#just want it done and over with so thats the last burden ill be carrying with/for him

[yellowbeamss]

its 1.30 am i kinda miss u

disclaimer: there’s gonna be a lot of grammatical errors or whatever, i’m just writing this as i’m having one of my mental breakdowns. if u know me and ure reading this, dont worry im gonna be alright !! and if u dont,, hey stranger i hope u pray for my happiness and healing :)

- shit okay, i guess ill start by saying i miss u. i miss the way u would send me to sleep at night, the way ull beam at the sound of my voice on the other side of the line, the way ud be head over heels over me, the way ud react to the stories i tell u, the way u keep up with me talking about books when its way past our bedtime. i miss it all, ur warmth, the way u used to hold me close, the feeling of my hands inside urs, ur scent, ur smile and everything about u. its been hard for me, so hard. i can’t get past even scrolling through old pictures, how am i ever gonna build the strength to delete them? sometimes my memory willl just rewind the times u held me close, the times when ull end each and every of ur sentence with I LOVE YOU, yes with enthusiasm and all. and whenever my mind does that, i get dragged into this pit full of darkness. reminds me of tartarus; and just like tartarus no one ever survives from it- so i dont. i struggle to fight each day, counting days since u left me to hold my own hands and to stand by my own. i think what hurts me the most is when i remember the promises we made to each other. god the lump in my throat is swelling right now, i wish ud feel it too. 

remember how u promised me forever, how everytime i wake up from a bad dream ull be there, telling me it’s alright and telling me that no matter what happens, ure gonna stick by my side NO MATTER WHAT!! remember how for now was our anthem and 17?? remember our promise to not give up on each other? remember all of that? i guess u dont remember all of that since it seemed so easy when u let me go. no heaviness, no regrets. u were just determined to get rid of me.

i wish u knew how hard u broke me that night. all our dreams, crushed. hopes, shattered. there was no light. yet there were more promises. “ sayang, i just want you to know that at the end of the day. i’ll find u” words i held on for days not knowing if u actually mean it. dont know how much thats worth to u now. another bullcrap?? not surprised!! promises are meant to be broken right?? u said ull come back then a few weeks later “dont hope for much”. shit fucking hurts dude. and how u just forgot i existed, just like that. like how can u not miss it at all. were u just pretending all this while? was it all for show, was it superficial?

THE AMOUNT OF QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR YOU.. dont even get me started. when did u fall out of love? what was i lacking? was it me? was i suddenly not worth anything anymore? was it easy for u? do u think about me often?  do u find it hard to sleep? how often do u cry to sleep? do u even grieve over me? do u wake up in the middle of the night crying over the same voice and face visiting? because i did. i lay awake, wondering where was my fault and flaw in what we had. was i too hard to love? am i just not worthy enough? did i ask for much? AM I NOT FUCKING WORTH IT??? where do is stand in ur ife? why didnt i love u harder? if only i understood u better. if only i didn’t want to call u ever night. if only i didnt love u too much. so many ifs. these were what was spiralling inside me for weeks. still is if ure wondering though i doubt u do. u dont give a shit.

do u wanna know about my nightmares, the bad dreams i woke up to about u? the voices in my head? how i break down in the middle of nowhere as my head replays the exact words u said when u dumped me?? how i wake up crying from the same dream about u leaving?? i hate that i let u in so deep. i hate that i keep reminiscing all our better days when u clearly left me alone when i needed u the most. i hate that i let u break me this bad. i hate that despite all that i have said, despite all the rage and hate, i hate that i understand. i understand how hard this is all to u. i understand how bad ud feel knowing u break someone this bad. i hate that despite everythig uve done, i still cant unsee the good in ur heart. i hate that despite ur absence i still cant find ways to unlove u. 

i pray to god everyday to heal me, to fix each and every of my broken parts inside me. 

i also pray to god for ur contentment and happiness, for the burdens u carry to feel lighter without me around. i also pray that He eases ur journey in whatever ure going through. i pray that He’ll take care of u now that i am not allowed to do that anymore. and i hope He granted all of it. i hope He hears me. especially because i want u to feel better, i know how dark it must’ve been for u. i never thought it would come to this. we were so happy. no red flags whatsoever. 

of course i also hope ure suffering. i hope guilt drains ur life out of u everyday. i hope it hurts u as much as it hurts me.  in spite of everything, of course i also wish u well. 

i don’t know if there will ever be days when i can unfeel ur absence again, when the sudden pain doesnt come anymore. i dont know if im ever gonna be okay but heres to everything ive been keeping inside of me. now out at last.

[yeancollab]

Yes! please

okay bdwjhe i’ll put the ones i got awards for under the cut.. content warning tho: its depressing as hell and there’s mentions of suicide, depression/mental illness and csa.. its also not based in too much reality so don’t read into it okay cbjhebf and i wrote it when i was 13/14

ok so they’re all meant to form one story so thats why some of them sound the same..

In Principo

Boy,

You thought that girl was everything

Boys can hold hands until they’re seven

But he never seemed to let go

You dropped that hand that smelled like cookies

You let him fall like dry sand

You saw sparkles in her eyes

In the foreground his held tears

Boys can’t be too close

Girls can’t stay best friends

That’s a little harsh

Little boys feel hate too

You aren’t weak if you know how to feel

People are never truly numb

Carry that torch

Holding on too tight, knuckles white

She parted her lips

Kisses shattered the glass

Little boys get scared of the dark

You didn’t have the right

What if he told you he set that fire?

“Listen close: It feels just like the feeling when you die!

Hold on a little tighter, you traitor.

One day you’ll be dust again.”

He gave you warning

He gave you time

You sacrificed the sky for the wench

Loyalty is funny

When you’re a villain

I guess like me

He grabbed your hand before he fell over the edge

You dropped that hand that smelled like sweat

The crimson flooded over Ivory

Out of sight, out of mind

Is love blind,

Or is lust blinding?

Are friends forever,

Or acquaintances lovers?

Is he dead,

Or are you still breathing?

The Big Bad Wolf (with samples of “City Lights”)

Nothing I could ever write,

Would help you understand this life

Its the constant fear

The cool touch of a knife

One thousand deaf ears

My dear, please

Don’t be too scared

Everything fails

Don’t be despaired

Nothing I could ever write

Will make these blind eyes see

The clothes don’t mean a thing

This is not me

A sheep up for judgement

Solemn pain

Nothing I could ever write

Would stop the nights I cry

I starve

I chant

Some day, you’ll remember my face

Darling I find peace

Knowing this wolf will die

Intermission: Hindsight

Higher than I’ve ever been

Clutch white,

Swallow blue

Bottle orange

Cherry Coke

Too high

Twisted ways

Homicide

Of what

Could have been

I’m thinking

About all you said

Don’t lie

I’m not enough

Run and tell the Devil

Dreizhenthe Krieg

And in a second,

Came the fire

That burned down your world

You took it all from me

So I shattered the glass in our home

“Sweet baby no!

Don’t you throw stones!”

But I never even cared!

Let them all see,

Every burden that I own!

Let me bare my soul!

Air out the dirty laundry

“Nothing is the same! Oh nothing is the same!”

But damn it, don’t you know?

I’m here to make change!

Careful now!

Don’t step on the soaking rags!

Tip-toe past, hurry up,

You won’t last

In the fire o

Oh, you,

Dear friend

You’re a liar,

You’ve betrayed me

And expect me to defend you?

Well

(one beat)

(the two beasts)

(three breakdowns)

This piece of ivory is not for sale

Link hands with your mistress

Your captain

Your God

You’ll realize what you are

If we are what we create

Aren’t we the worst kind

You paint a pretty picture

But beneath there are lies

In a second

comes the fire

That will burn down our world

Now ask me if I care,

my eyelids are sewn closed…

In Finem

I am Ivory.

While I am damned,

I am dead

The grass is my sleeping place

My message flows in your bones

No one likes to be alone

The signs on bridges are not enough

800 numbers don’t save

I cannot reincarnate

I am stuck in a dark space

I am Ivory

I killed myself

They think of me

And they need me now

But its too late, oh what they’ve done to me

As the curtain closes I send out my wish

How I’d love to take it back

Betrayer, Enemy (Start of the Thirteenth War)

With eyes long gone,The hurt rings clear in black holes where blue irises once glistened

And

When you looked at me I swear I was your hero because you never stopped smiling when my voice rangButIAm a betrayer and nothing moreAPredator, creature, thiefI sworeI’d never let you go

ButI thought one person was worth losing everyone else so I gave my all and lost the restInThe downward spiral of my existence you’re so vacant,

So vacant

You ivory,Being.Poached by me then left in the dirt no, longer tough or necessaryI amJust as bad as a hunter because the girls with sweet scents and white smiles are my preyDear,Ivory I’m a lion, I’m a scorpion, and there is no mercy inThis heart that teeters off the edge like suchBordersLinesDo they exist with me?Where do boundaries line up with moral decay?IJust watch the faces underneath me change and I don’t think about risk too much I swear I’mMy energy spent expressing passion to those I do not know never glancing at youYour skin covered in painIWish I could have set you free but I was caught up in me caught up in trying to find my mother in the heart of the girl with the pretty brown skin, Ivory I did not think twice about leaving you behindUp from our grave I have so much to apologize for. If we found you, if we saw you, would you have still leftIImagine your last moments were beautiful though.

High on these drugs

Laughing without thinking twice about leaving meI’m a hypocrite thoughIvoryI’m sorryI saw the signs but closed my eyes I did I swear I went blind youBeautyFull of innocence yet too wise

crying yourself to sleep at night

and nowIDo the same because I feel your exact pain oh Ivory I’m sorry I’m sorry I killed youWe didn’t pay attentionTo the black holes where your eyes had been, we didn’t seeI didn’t seeWe let you rotI am a betrayer, a predator, a creatureYou set fire to my worldIHope you know I’ve changedWherever you areI cry when I think about seeing you again, my friend, my brother, my enemy, what were you?

Dead..

In Medio

I cross and uncross my legs“I used to think you were an act. The peace, love, happiness. I still think you might be.”Ivory stares at me“An act?”

I fiddle with a loose thread I nodI waitHe replies“You are the most perceptive person I know.”I look into his serene eyes“Is it true then? Are you as cold as me?”Ivory tugs tugs on his shirt“Not cold. Indifferent. Not Bitter. A little Empty”

The sky was bright

“White World”

AsylumWhen IHold out my hand for you to take but Shut my fist tight before you touch meNo longer do I knowIf I want loveOr to reject itI wouldRather be alone than be left behindAnd I’d like to be invisibleBut I’m searching for someone in every pretty girlThat I fuck

tTen drop themBefore they escape with all I have leftAll I have left is loveMy knees with scarsFrom long nightsKneeling in front of the DevilWhile he stripped my soul bareAnd told me not to chokeWhen exactly did you start to hate me?Was it whenIWas a little boyWho loved his motherBut made her cryBecause I

Inherited your evil

When I

Lie awake I pray

The black of my actions

Leaves Soon

Igneus: A Tale Of Lovers/Prequel

I’m trying to drown the thought of you with the poison in this bottle.The glass is empty, and goddamnIt burns like HellBut I forget about you for a little whileGet my head clearA drunk man’s wordsAre a sober man’s thoughtsall I can say is i love youMy throat is dryIt burns like HellMy heart is cold, but I can’t let you goMy smile is fake, but these tears are realall I can say is i need you

My chest is so hollow

It burns like HellBecause I know you don’t feel for me tooI can’t shake this yearning, you seem unrealWith this pen and this paperI confess my adorationMy mind is blurred with liquor It burns like Hell

But I know I need to do this; tell you how I feelI am me, who loves youMy hands shakeThis heart is soreI throw back more liquid courage It burns like HellI can’t get over your eyesWith a bubbling stomach, dearI drop my note at your locker.327The same number all three yearsMy fingertips quiverAs the white slip falls through the slitDamn my body achesIt burns like Hell Before I see you

Next morning, loveI open my locker and see a small paper fallIn your hand–

I know it is, I watch you write in classAre three little words“I like you”I’m searching for you nowI find youIn front of your ownNumber 327You clutch my identical note in your palm found youYou hold my confession tight as I do yoursAs if dropping these will erase our love and get washed away in the tilesWith a fire in my heartA tingle in my skinI entwine my fingers with yoursThis is my chance Lean forwardTouch lipsDrown my inferno

Baby, it burns like Hell

[efffeverything]

weird ass feelings

ive been crying so much this week and idk where to even start its been insane.

at my counselor meeting on thursday, i bawled my eyes out to a skinny soft-spoken middle-aged white dude who i just met for the first time. its so weird, i could feel my insides like, fall apart because some of the stuff he said just really struck a nerve? it felt like someone finally heard me asking for help. i cant even really describe it, but i guess to put it simply, it felt good. 

so many more people know about my long-standing depression and anxiety now, and its crazy how different but relieving it feels. i actually accept it now. sometime between talking to the counselor and dad acknowledging that therapy is something i do now, i sort of finally believe in myself? that the feelings ive had for over maybe 10 years were actually real. that yes, lots of people maybe on paper have it worse than me, but that doesnt mean that my issues arent shitty. because objectively, a lot of whats happened to me was terrible and wasnt my direct doing, and i definitely tried my hardest to not let it stop me from accomplishing and doing what i want, but these issues are so heavy that theres no way i was going to successfully do it on my own.

also, the amount of crying i did also helped me accept my issues lol. i mean obviously i dont want to be bursting out in tears all the time, but i could feel that the things people said to me must have been exactly what i needed to hear because damn the emotions i felt from some of that shit really came out of no where. like, if my brain is like “wtf why am i feeling this way from these words?” there must be a reason, and the reason is because im super chronically depressed and anxious and really just wanted to get help lmao.

so, i think more or less, im done hiding. ive tried to maintain a facade (thats def not how you spell that word) for so long, and ive lied so many times to “protect” myself from showing my emotions. i would just take the shitty feeling or memory, and mentally store it away and when people would ask me questions, i would always have a good lie prepared. every single time i lie about something like this i can feel the emotional and sometimes physical pain it causes me. i mean i dont want to make people feel awkward or burden others with these heavy issues, but at the same time i just cant lie anymore. ill just let all my crazy out. i cant hurt myself anymore by thinking of new lies when someone asks me why i never talk about my mom. or pretending that my mental stability is super good and i have no personal experience with mental health. 

it kinda feels like im opening pandoras box? not sure if i used that metaphor right tbh. maybe its a can of worms. whatever the saying, i finally feel like i want to get better, i want to be open about the heaviness ive been carrying for the last 10 years, and actually live my life the way ive always wanted to.

[softboiii]

A letter to a girl who wont stop smiling.

Dear Girl,

When did I first meet you, I really don’t know. All I know is your always smiling. Its really distracting, in a good way. 

The day I consider the first day i met you i didn’t even know your name. It was a hot sunny day and I was cursing my friend for dragging me along to the market. We were just loitering wasting time walking around and eventually out of the market. Thats when I first took notice of you, walking beside your mother. You looked familiar, that smile is not one you would let pass on crowded market or a rambunctious student lounge. Right away you were beaming at us. As you spoke I took in every word waiting and hoping for a chance to interject and join in on the banter. If I said too much i would seem too eager, too little and i would look reserved. So i waited and gave my two cents as i saw appropriate. 

Soon your mother was looking for you and you had to go. to my luck we followed you around the market cracking jokes and continuing the witty banter. we got around to the dogs, dogs! the thought jumped at me. i have a dog, does she like dogs. so i asked praying that you say yes “do you like dogs” and i watched your lips part and say “yes”. Fucking perfect Im in! i reach for my phone to show you leo and describing him along the way. little did naive me know what you would say. To be completely honest i didn’t hear much but i heard enough, “my boyfriend has”. you have a boyfriend, why? well why not, the world would not be in its right mind to just let you be by yourself. 

The evening was going so well but its ok I’m not too invested in you. although i must say it is a shame. you point me in the direction of food you were talking about and then your mother shows up. its time for you to leave. quick awkward introductions are exchanged and we go our separate ways. i check out the food you mentioned, its not worth the second thought anyway, you’re taken, why feign the interest. you don’t cross my mind at all until the next time i bump into you. 

again there you are sitting in front of me, smiling away, even i cant help not smile. cards are being dealt and i’m just staring. if you look at me I’m caught so please don’t, you don’t. soon i have to go on the inside i am reluctant but hey, act cool. don’t let the blue bird sing.

third times the charm, we talk a lot this time we talk about your assignment, you ask me a question. i know nothing so when you’re not looking i try to sneakily try to google it so you don’t think I’m stupid. but i am caught, you’re staring at me laughing as i look up from the phone. “you looked it up?” quick don’t sound stupid she’s really cute. “how else would you learn new things” i shoot back, nice one dude way to sound like a fucking retard. you ask to use my laptop and you take it and start discussing the topic with a class mate. i am no longer of any use any way. like a lost puppy i move around and finally sit down close to you so if you were ever to look up just like a puppy i would pander to your beck and call.

the memory of you having a boyfriend is lost in a stack of metaphorical papers on a messy desk that only exists in my mind.

eventually you are done and i am given a chance to grab your attention. the girls around me want to play cards, perfect, you like playing cards. you suggest playing president. its a rather simple game you come first you’re president. you come second you’re vice president. any where in the middle you’re a commoner. finish last and you’re the bitch, have the dumb luck of fishing just before last? you are vice bitch.

i had no intention of making you my bitch, you’re far to smart and pretty for that. i do see some potential a first lady but its way too soon to tell. right now you are just an infatuation a boy has with a girl wont stop fucking smiling.

please stop smiling…. please.

you move the couch creating a circle, I bring the stool and we are ready to play. but first where do i sit… next to you of course. we sit so close our legs are touching, just like pudge i count the layers clothing between us, four. the game progress i use the excuse of teamwork to get closer to you. we talk, we joke, and we playfully prod and nudge each other. 

we play for what feels like an eternity, we have been sitting together for so long my leg is sweaty i can only imagine yours is too. maybe not, maybe its just me the oxytocin seeping in to my blood stream is just increasing my temperature. there is a break in play and we are just waiting. you nudge my shoulder as if you are fluffing a pillow and rest your head.

 “wow your warm and soft”. 

why would you utter such words, do you know what it did to me? you don’t, because why would it carry any meaning to you. each syllable played at my heart strings.  

i wanted to wait like that for longer but my dumbass had to say some thing didn’t i. “do i look like a pillow to you” you move the moment i had is lost.

i go home. 

i spend the next day anxious of the night to come we are going out to drink. theres you, me, and every one else. do they have to come well if they don’t would you? ill take what i can get.

the night comes we all meet. we all drink and we laugh. you and I, we dance. i feel my self slowly get lost in the moment. we spoke about a lot of things, some heavy subjects. you saved the heaviest for last, your boyfriend. the words cut through me like bullet through water. we dance some more, well i got lost in your hands while you moved to the sound.

its dark we are in the tuk, why did i do that? thats not what i meant to do. why did i do that? whats wrong with me? why does he get down? now its only the two of us. the words we spoke are foggy but i have some recollection. you told me about your troubles with him. what comes next i remember all too clearly. we stop a little ways before our destination and walk. as i walk i tell you, i pour everything out like a bottle thats fallen over.

“i like you, i really do like you alot”- i’m sorry 

“i have never felt this way about a girl since my ex” - i’m sorry

“but you have a boyfriend ” - i’m sorry

“if you could give me the chance i would make you the happiest girl” -i’m so sorry

all you can say is “aww you are so sweet”

dont say that.

stop smiling, you really need to work on that.

we agree to be friends, albeit a hollow promise on both ends. i feel guilty for what i did. i asked to hold your hand, i feel guilty because you held mine. for me i was holding the hand of the girl who had my heart. you held the drunken hand of child, yet you held it and i cherished it. thank you but i am so sorry.

the night ends like that.

i’m so sorry, i wish i could take everything back. i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry times a million.

the next morning you have sent me a snap, it jogs my memory and i apologize. i crossed a line i never should have. i feel the weight of my actions rest upon my shoulders as the day goes on. i feel worse, what have i done why did i do that, what is wrong with me. 

i’m sorry.

i’m sorry.

i’m sorry.

its now been two days and my penance has not been payed, i continued to dwell on this. it eats at me, destroying me. please i beg,”please let me erase what i have done”. i can’t thats not how life works, its never that easy.

that night i don’t sleep, i don’t sleep one bit. 

i go to school early the next day and i am hit with karma. on the way you send me a snap that you are there early as well. of all days today you come early. i ignore you except for a reply saying hi. you never look at it and i hope you never do. maybe i should send you a text, formerly say sorry and explain myself but as i go to text you i see it. its you and him happy as a kite. it hurts so fucking bad so bad. that drives the message to me clearly i have no place in your life.

again, i’m sorry.

i’m really really sorry.

its not fair to ask me you to stop smiling.

i like you, it hurts, its not your fault but my factions have put that on your shoulders. 

now every time is see you my heart quakes, my knees go weak. i lose all rationality in my mind and just want to run. i haven’t felt this in such a long time that it feels alien, i get sacred. i’m so scared to face you, i am afraid you will smile at me but i’m more afraid that you will never look at me ever again. why should you, you don’t need to. you have all you need in front of you, you love him. for me to go against that is like to go against the Persian army, but in the stead of three hundred men there is just one, one fool.

when the fight or flight response kicks in all i can do is take flight. with my tail between my legs i will run. You make my heart do things, that my uncle, a cardiologist, cannot begin to explain. i am a coward, that has no strength to face you. i don’t want to hurt you anymore than i already have. i can only imagine the burden i placed on you with such a selfish self centered act. i hope that one day you can look back and forgive a fool like me. 

i can hope that i lessen the predicament i placed you in by saying that it was never you. you never did anything wrong, if you could go back don’t change a thing about you or what you did. it was all my fault, i’m supposed to be an adult who should be in control of my self.

i wish i could redo this,

my sincerest apologies,

the boy that fell for your smile.