#just ur regular drabble of xurk fucking Killing Someone

[denjyumokuu-a-blog]

“Gods ‘nd goddesses in heaven, how in the good god damn did you even make it here alive?!”

The UB skittered about in the trees, hissing as he took swipes at a disoriented Garchomp in his clearing. His clearing! This damn thing saunters up and into Lush Jungle like he owns the place, then comes right for Xurkitree like some great big delusional dumbass thinking he’s gonna overthrow the king? The Erlking?! It was almost enough to make Xurkitree bust out laughing!

The poor, confused Garchomp roared in frustration as Xurkitree landed in front of him, tail lashing out in a Power Whip and crashing against its leathery hide. The Sand Shark was sent flying, bouncing off of a particularly cruelly-placed set of fancy boulders and sitting up with a new gash across his chest. Xurkitree followed it up by forming a grenade of light in one hand, tossing it at his opponent, where it would explode in a shower of green energy! Garchomp were Ground-Types, but there was nothing stopping the UB from using Energy Ball instead.

“Seriously babe,” He said, halting his assault as he stepped closer to the wounded Dragon. ... The poor thing was trying to crawl away. How cute. “Your dumbass made it this far into my jungle without gettin’ nixed on the way here? How? You just the luckiest damn Garchomp in the world?” With lightning speed he rushed forward, kicking his foe into the air with a powerful limb and grabbing him around the throat. Xurk gave a squeeze of Garchomp’s neck--earning a gasp and a choke from his opponent-- and chuckled.

“Nah, nah, no way in hell, ‘m I right? Otherwise, you wouldn’t be bleedin’ all over my clearing on the verge of death, babe. So tell me babe, what’s your name?” The Garchomp opened his jaws to reply, but Xurkitree cut him off with another squeeze.

Sadistic fuck.

“Heheheh, nevermind! Just remembered I don’t care. So, stop me if ‘M wrong, but let me get your story straight. I don’t actually know you, but all you hero types are the same. You hearin’ stories of the big bad Beast of Lush Jungle, decide you wanna make a name for yourself, ‘nd think you’re gonna take him down for prestige, so you trounce off half-cocked into his territory, and now you’re here gettin’ the shit beat outta you. How’s that, am I in the ballpark?”

Another attempted reply, another squeeze of his plasma caster.

“All I’m gleanin’ is that you’re another dumbass that thinks he can make a name for ‘imself offa MYi work and MY name! Yanno babe, when I saw you bumble into my clearin’ like a lost babe, I thought-- ‘hey, maybe this one’ll be different! Maybe he’ll bring somethin’ new to the table! It might be entertaining at least!’ But you know what? I had no idea what a pathetic waste of my gods damned TIME you’d end up being! You really think you can be someone by ridin’ my coattails to glory?! Get real, idiot! Not even half of the morons that come into my territory are as delusional as you!”

Finally, Garchomp managed a reply.

“H-hey, b-buddy! I know we got off on the wrong fin, but maybe-- you and I can sit down and, uh-- chill? Share some berries? Wh-- what’s your name? M-Mine’s Sigmund! We d-don’t gotta get too violent, Cable Bro!” Xurkitree held Garchomp close to his plume and screeched his reply.

“THAT’S UB-03 LIGHTNING, IF YOU DON’T MIND, BABE!”

His arm reared back and tossed the Garchomp out of his clearing, the Dragon landing on the underbrush with a heavy thud. Xurkitree charged two Energy Balls, one in each hand, lobbing them both at him, where they’d explode with an earth-shattering boom!

“Ugh. What a disappointment.”