#just this one thing. ill be such a good employee please just let me have this Dear Fucking God Please-

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

wait does this mean you’ll be able to explore the update when it drops now? because of the new date? or is the case still the same?

no ok this answer is sooooo Funny bc uh

well apparently due to a Christmas Miracle i don't start working this week, today was just orientation. so i Would have been able to actually make it.

but now? WHO KNOWS!!!! WHO FUCKING KNOWS!!! i dont have my schedule yet!!! i'll get it by wednesday!!! so!!! with my continuously Dogshit luck! the case is still very much the same!

[envy-of-the-apple]

Keep Your Head In The Game

Yandere! Victoria Neuman x reader

(Warnings: threats of murder, non con touching/kissing, implied captivity)

Working at the Bureau had been your dream job. 

Vought had ruined so many people’s lives. It felt good to be part of something that stood against that company for those who couldn't. Despite not having powers, even you could be a hero. You'd worked under Victoria Neuman for years. You knew everything about her. 

And then Hughie Campbell ruined everything. 

You’d like to think of him as a friend. You and him had lunch together sometimes. You’d sit and smile as he went on and on about his girlfriend. He was a nice guy. You’d like to think that he and you were close. 

But Hughie broke you.  

Evidence. He’d shown you evidence of what she’d done. So much blood. So much gore. The orphanage, the files. 

“She’s one of them,” he’d whispered right before he fled into the night, “stay away from her. Quit. Please, for your sake, don’t go back to that fucking snake den.” 

And then he was gone. Just like that. 

Work in the Bureau continued as normal. Safe for the rumors of Soldier boy sightings, everything was so…fine, even without him. 

Even Neuman was unphased. 

She still smiled and laughed and told jokes as she surrounded herself with regular humans. She curled her lip when Supes were discussed. You used to love it when she brought Zoe around, but even her daughter you couldn’t even trust to be real. 

Victoria didn’t act like a Supe. 

But Hughie wasn't lying. 

Friday night. The bureau had a party going on tonight. Another Supe had been successfully put away. Those were always a sight, especially considering Gina would get shitfaced. You couldn’t go, feigning illness before you slipped out the night. You couldn’t enjoy yourself, not when you had so much to think about. 

Instead of enjoying the night with coworkers, you found comfort in the hardest liquor in your cabinet. Your one true friend. 

Not Hughie. Not anymore. Hughie left. Or maybe he was killed. Who knows. Who fucking cares. 

There’s a knock on your door. When you ignore it, it comes again louder. You groan, but you pull yourself off the couch eventually. Your neighbor again. You need to have a talk with her about disturbing you at odd hours of the night. 

“You look like you’ve seen better days.”

You can only stare. Victoria tilts her head. 

“Gonna let me in or will I have to stand out here?” 

Against your judgment, the instinct of always listening to your boss kicking in, you open the door. She elegantly steps in, surveying your home. 

She’s wearing that blue suit you’ve always complimented her on. Earlier, you would have admired her professional elegance. Now, it makes her look more inhuman. She looks even more out of place in your shabby apartment, studying your upkeep. 

“Sorry,” you say when you stop gawking, “I…I hadn’t had time to clean up.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” Victoria waves you off. “Just checking in on my favorite employee. How’re you feeling, by the way.” 

“Good.” You quickly reply. “I was just feeling a little under the weather earlier. I hope I didn't worry you." 

"Why wouldn't I be worried?" She tilts her head, grinning with straight white teeth that get increasingly eerie the longer you stare. "We're friends, aren't we?" 

Before, you wouldn't have blinked twice at her words and tone. You would have mindlessly agreed, smiled even. But things were different now. You were playing pretend with a known murderer. 

If you close your eyes, you can still remember the faces in that court before their heads exploded. You'd been behind a screen, watching it all in horror and you remembered closing your eyes and begging for Victoria to be alright, praying that it would be okay if everyone died but her. 

And now to realize she caused all that? 

"Maybe you have a fever. You're shaking." 

You were. You clasp your trembling hands together, trying to ease your nerves. 

"Yeah." Even your voice was wavering. Calm down. Calm down. "I still might not be over...whatever I came down with."

The predator clicks her tongue in sympathy, cooing as she nears her prey. You force yourself not to stiffen when she wraps a sturdy hand around your shoulders, leading you over to the couch. You sit next to her with your thigh pressed up against hers. You feel like you're about to vomit. 

"You should rest," Victoria says, "take a few days off work. I'll let everyone know." 

"Yeah," you say because this is good, it'll help you focus on what you need to do next, "definitely, thank you." 

"Oh, please, don't thank me." She laughs. "I'm glad you're not in the office because you're sick. For some reason, I thought you were avoiding me. Y'know, 'cause you were scared, I would pop your head." 

One second. Two seconds. And then you're up, scrambling off the sofa. It's instinct to run from monsters, no matter if they would take your head off your shoulders on a whim, whenever they want. It's instinct to be stupid and careless and run. 

If anything, you should be grateful this monster is her. 

She's strong, like all Supes are. Even though you know what she is, it takes you a moment to realize it's Victoria who had pinned you against the couch, keeping you underneath her. You used to win arm-wrestling competitions against her. The pressure caused your lungs to tighten, making it hard to breathe. Even has you struggled, tried to claw at her hands, tug on her pristine clothes, she didn't budge. You think the worst thing about all of this was that it didn't even look like it took much effort to keep you down. Like she was wrestling a kitten. 

"Easy, easy." She hushes, tone soft and condescending. "C'mon, we're both adults, aren't we? Let's be civil here." 

Civil. Like she had any right to use that word after what she's done for months, perhaps all her life. Your heart is a hummingbird frazzled with fear, but you can feel that twinge of anger and resentment even then. Something else too: betrayal. 

"Why?" You asked, your voice failing. "Why, Vicky?" 

For the first time tonight, her mask cracks. Her eyes flicker, looking at your defeated body before coming back up to your face. She looks remorseful, but not guilty. 

"I didn't....I didn't want you to find out this way." She admits, slightly easing off you, enough to ease the force in your lungs. "Or maybe ever, actually. Fucking Cambell, leaving a mess, and then running off. What else can you expect from that guy, right?" 

You just stare. Victoria sighs. 

“Of all people, I thought you would understand.” Her voice wavers. “I thought you’d get it, somehow.” 

You look at her, and you feel like you’re staring at that girl from Red River. Scared and Trembling Nadia, who just wanted love, someone to lean on. Someone who wasn't scared of her. 

Then it flickers, and then Victoria's back. 

"You murdered a whole room." You finally say. "How could you possibly ask me to understand that?" 

She glowers, her frown deepens, and then she's sitting up, getting off you. You learn your lesson from last time, but you still huddle in the corner of the sofa, watching her. 

"Right, because I'm supposed to believe you feel bad for them." Victoria rolls her eyes. "Half of those guys vacationed on Epstein's island before the brand change, and you were there when those deep fakes came out. Remember Congressmen Davis? He kept staring at your ass on the House Floor, so I'm not sure why you're acting like they're suddenly men of valor." 

"Yes, yes, yes, they were terrible people." You press your hand to your forehead. "But you-we-we can't kill people. We-we're supposed to do things the right way and I just-" You choke on your words. 

"Hughie got to you," she notes, "I knew I shouldn't have paired you up with each other." 

"You lied to me." You murmur. There's no anger anymore, just heartbreak. "You lied to everyone. I thought we were fighting against Vought, but we've been in their pocket this whole time." 

"We're still fighting-" 

"You're Stan Edgar's daughter. We're in their pocket."

You press your hands to your face, squeezing. All the while you can feel Victoria watching. You ignore her. There's no point in talking to her, not anymore. You might not have known Victoria, but you know the Supe that committed a massacre. Her cover was blown. You were a leaking faucet she needed to turn off. 

"What now?" You ask, drawing up to look at her. "Are you going to kill me?" 

Her mouth twitches. Her eyes flicker with realization. A soft coo comes from her lips, utterly condescending. Suddenly, her posture changes: less intimidating, more welcoming. 

"Oh, sweetie, is that why you're so upset?" She shifts until you're trapped in her arms. You don't bother fighting. Your bravery has run out. Tears are already dripping down your cheeks. "You thought I was gonna...." There's a laugh spilling off her lips. You squeeze your eyes shut when she hugs you tighter. 

"I'm not gonna hurt you," Victoria says, a smile in her voice. "Not to you. Never to you." 

Her hands are so warm as she cradles your face, forcing you to look at her. It's a gentle type of cruelty, forcing you to face your fears while the monster gives you a beautiful smile. 

"I cherish you too much to do that." 

You must look so lost. She laughs even more at that. 

"Seriously? It wasn't obvious? C'mon, Zoe is crazy about you, she never shuts up. And I...I think it's better if I just..." 

Her lips are soft. Gentle. You don't kiss back. You can't. You're frozen in ice. 

"I won't hurt you." Then, her tone tightens just the tiniest bit. "You're friends and family, on the other hand..."

When she pulls away, she's the most relaxed you've ever seen her. You wish you could say the same. While her smile grows larger, so does the gaping hole in your stomach. 

You close your eyes, slumping in defeat.

"What do you want?" You plead. 

You can feel her lips press on your cheek. Victory.

When you walk through the door, Zoe looks elated. 

She calls your name with a delighted giggle, reaching out to hug you. You wish you could return her enthusiasm, but you can barely pat her head. 

"What're you doing here?" She asks when she's done hugging you, looking up at you with pretty eyes. Her eyes are much like her mother's; they just haven't lost their innocence yet. 

Neuman steps in, a strong hand on your shoulder. That same gentle smile that holds the comfort a mother has for her daughter. 

"Gas leak, right?" She turns to look at you. "Real nasty. So, I offered our home for a little while." 

Zoe nods. She's the only thing so far that's remained stagnant. Maybe that's why you're more than eager to listen to what she did at school that day. She rambles on and on, and there's nothing left to say anymore. Until Victoria sends her daughter to bed. 

"It's probably best to keep the real reason hush-hush," she tells you later, shutting the master bedroom. 

You're seated pliantly on the bed, watching her shrug off her cardigan. The mattress sinks underneath your weight. Silk covers. It's too big for just one person. 

You're not a captive, she explained in the back of her fancy black car. You could roam around, meet up with friends, call people, do whatever your heart desired. It would just be under her eyes from now on. 

"A safeguard." She charitably explained, perfectly manicured fingernails drumming on her thigh. "Just so you don't do something we both might regret." 

You don't know if she'd been telling the truth when she insisted your head was off-limits, but you knew she had your family's names and addresses. So you sat pliantly in that car, pliantly listened to Zoe, and pliantly followed Victoria into her bedroom. 

On paper, you weren't a captive. But you and Victoria both knew better. 

"Is Zoe also...?" You trail off, averting your eyes when she unbuttons her blouse. You can hear her clothes drop to the floor as she unabashedly rifles through her drawer. 

"No," Victoria answers. And then your heart drops when she adds. "Not yet." 

You shudder, but she's already sitting next to you. She coaxes you to look at her with a hand on your cheek. Even dressed down, she's gorgeous. Unblemished skin was barely covered by a silk gown. 

You think she looks just as upset as you. Maybe even more. She pets your cheek thoughtlessly. 

"When I brought you to my bed for the first time, I thought things would be different, somehow." She laughs. It sounds bitter. 

"I never wanted this. Not for us," Victoria says, "but-but there's nothing else I can do. It...." 

A tear drips down your face. She's pushing it away. 

'You'll be okay." A kiss to your temple. "I know you will." Lips at your cheek. 

When she finally gives into her inhibitions and kisses you, you know she was lying about it all. 

[idyllic-affections]

employee benefits.

summary. baizhu remains constantly attuned to his chronically ill employee and their needs. it is no surprise that he knows when they are unwell.

trigger & content warnings. chronic illness flare-up.

tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. fluff. baizhu & reader, qiqi & reader. 0.5k words. they/them pronouns for reader. this post is an expansion of invisible disability? it's rather visible to me.

author's thoughts. in celebration of me getting baizhu within 30 pulls and me getting to soak up all of his lore like a dry sponge would to water, heres some more baizhu content!! we love him in this household <33 he and kaveh are literally the REALEST genshin characters ever with the most relatable trauma and ideals like what the fuck man..... /lh

baizhu knows that some days, his junior herbalist just can't work; it's far too much for their body. he's had many such days himself. it's unavoidable and unpredictable—some days, his body doesn't function well even if he was completely fine the day before. the same applies to his young hire. as such, he is often the one able to see the signs as soon as the day begins.

"good morning, dr. baizhu, qiqi, changsheng," they greet, a tired smile on their face. their smile widens a little bit when qiqi tugs their sleeve to draw their attention before handing them a pastry.

"[name] needs to eat."

"hehe... yes, you're absolutely right, qiqi. thank you."

she hums, content, as they pat her head. she remains glued to their leg.

the way their chest rises and falls is blatantly irregular, as if they're trying to catch their breath. there's a slight tremble in their limbs as well. baizhu briefly wonders if qiqi is supporting their weight, if she's somehow, subconsciously aware that something is off about them this morning in particular.

"oh my," baizhu muses, observing their tired disposition. "did you not rest well?"

"what he's trying to say is that you look awful."

"jeez, it's this early and you're already bullying me, changsheng? gui isn't even here yet. it's too early... what did i do to deserve this?" they huff. "to be honest, i woke up feeling unwell. i don't know why. i just feel very weak today."

"hmm..." he's thinking. if they are unwell, he absolutely will not permit them to work, given that they may faint or collapse at any point. he simply doesn't want to see them hurt themselves. "well, there's still quite some time until we officially open. come. i'll examine you."

"do i get an employee discount?" they joked, to which he smiled.

"i won't be charging you."

"wha— no. i was joking. i was kidding. you can't not charge me. that's hardly fair, given that i can afford it. i know we're supposed to make things as easy and affordable for patients as possible, but i don't need those accomodations. i work here. i already have easy access to everything i need."

"don't be stubborn, [name]."

"i am stubborn, dr. baizhu. you can't be hypocritical and expect me to allow that."

silence. then, the liyuean doctor chuckles fondly. the way he gazes at them is soft.

what a handful they are.

"fine, fine. i'll take the cost from next month's pay, alright? just let me look at you. we can't have you collapsing on us today, now can we?"

a month later, they find something... oddly normal about their pay. not a single mora has been deducted.

"dr. baizhu, i love and respect you and would never doubt the things you say, but... you said you would take my examination cost from my next paycheck. this is the same amount of mora i get every month."

"oh, did i say that? hm, i can't seem to recall that conversation."

"...with all due respect, you're insufferable sometimes."

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot!

[wishamongtheflowers]

Sound

Kido ran her eyes on every record of several victims for the upteenth time.

"Stray dogs!? You're telling me stray dogs are killing people!"

"I'm sorry that I can't exactly identify the bite marks or the teeth. For all I know it could be a person with unique teeth."

The sheriff could only sigh. Just his luck.

"First it's everyone who is incompetent to where I have to rely on a teenager, now this!" He could only shake his his.

"I'll keep working on all this. It's still the gray faze."

He groaned wondering out of his office, "I'm going to go get a drink."

Kido just looked at all the images and reports she chose to bring.

"Excuse me, Ms. Mukai, " Kido turned around to find a man in the doorway, "can I barrow you for just a minute."

The man's badge made it obvious to her. Future Foundation employee.

"It much be important given your badge. Don't see your rank around here much."

"Yeah we usually handle in foundation matters. I hope you don't mind."

A pull. Not any other pull dragged her. Divine Luck's own desire. It wants whatever offer he has.

"If it gets me away from work for a bit I'll obliged."

"Let's discuss this in a private area."

"Of course."

Kido held some papers as she walked out of the building. This isn't luck but chance. It's her luck which wants success. She's honest with herself. She wanted to have abundance.

"He said it's cause of the Ultimate Hope disappearance cause of Junko. From the way he was talking, I've been selected given my work. This better be worth it. It'll be the last piece of the puzzle for me."

"It will be worth it. You've been blessed with luck and a second chance in this world."

She noticed her mind seeped out of reality. She kept calm, unconcerned by what was going on.

"I wouldn't call being undead as a second chance. The divine luck isn't separate from me. It's also me, just like you."

"It is true your luck and I are you but," Kido felt some warmth sliding under her clothes, "you're a horseman. Ever sense you'd been my pet, you always fought. Even now I can tell you've gotten stronger."

"Could you please stop."

"Aw, I guess you don't want to be petted." The warmth left, thankfully.

"I'm wondering why you want to talk. You haven't appeared in some time."

"You know why. Soon he'll remember you as the Siren who taught him how to swim and the angel who set humanity free. You'll finally be rejoined with one of the original blessing."

"That..."

"Your wishes aren't his. He'll open his eyes just like you, for a second time. He'll know you as his. Don't deny it. I can tell you're morality isn't black or white anymore. Your undead but you still wish his love to return."

"Your right. I just want him to be happy. We thought this was the only way. We're both wrong. We'll have to make it right."

"Good pet. Now grow stronger than even I hope for."

It was all in her head. It wasn't a surprise as anyone would gain a mental illness if they gone through what she had. Being undead of course was an obvious cause of her warped mind. With her awareness of her illness she found a comfort in her delusional state. To have someone just there even if they're just an illusion ment a lot.

Kido didn't see a figure around so she can assume her delusional state has lessed to normalcy. A click echoed through her sanctuary's still veins. The last part came by chance over the mouths of stillness.

"Proxy should be here in an hour or so. I'll get started setting some things up." Kido's footsteps ran ahead of her.

A part of her knew something would happen either way. All she can do is wish for the best outcome.

---------------------[Tags]-----------------------

@after-neo-world and anyone else cause idk

:3

[jowrites]

When the Dahlia sings Her Song - 1. Bad day to worst day.

TW: Mentions of death, physical abuse, mental illness, depression, anxiety, parental death, verbal abuse, mute disorder, mentions of sex, some smut(in future), cursing

Strangers to Lovers. Lee Heeseung x F!OC(I like giving names).

Masterlist Here. Prev. Next. Jo's Masterlist Here.

This wasn’t anything new to Heeseung. 

Many times he had walked right into chaos at the company, he knew it too well. He would walk right into his very furious father(and boss) and sit there as his father spewed curses and threw papers everywhere. His anger wasn’t directed at him until it was because, “How come you weren’t watching your brother closely?” and blame him for the actions of someone else. Heeseung would apologize and his father would then apologize and tell him to handle him while he deals with the press. It was a never ending cycle and today was no different.

His brother, Beomgyu, seemed unphased as usual. Just sitting there and letting their father hit him and show his fury. Beomgyu usually left with a few bruises and today it looked like a busted lip. He looked over at his brother and shrugged at him as Heeseung sighed and bowed towards their father who was much calmer now. He took Beomgyu and they walked across to one of the meeting rooms where Beomgyu let out strong laughter.

“What was it this time?” Heeseung pulled out one of the first aid kits and began to lead Beomgyu to a chair.

“He doesn’t like my new girlfriend and said I’m supposed to be marrying Somi, said he already arranged it,” his brother shrugged. “Fucking asshole.”

“So you beat up a bouncer at a club?” Heeseung began to apply ointment on his brother's lip, who began to wince in pain.

“Hey, gently!” He cried out.

“Continue,” Heeseung, was not gentle.

“He laughed at me and it just escalated from there,” Beomgyu defended. “They’ll pay whatever money and it will go away in a week.”

“And you and Somi?” Heeseung asked.

“I don’t know, she’s pretty but kind of annoying. As long as she gets her shopping sprees and whatever I guess she’ll be fine,” Beomgyu shrugged and Heeseung looked at him with his eyebrows raised. “What? I can do it. You know, you all really doubt me around here when there's one thing I’m good at doing, it’s keeping a woman happy. Not like you have expertise in that department.”

“Done. Go home and just…stop being a little bitch, please I’m literally begging,” Heeseung sighed.

“You always have my back, brother! Oh! One more thing,” Beomgyu took a pen and some paper and wrote something down. “I need you to go to this address, ask for Gyuri.”

“What the hell is this?” Heeseung looked at the address written down. 

“I need you to break up with my girlfriend for me,” Beomgyu started walking out.

“Absolutely NOT!” Heeseung grabbed him by the collar and threw him back into a chair, folding his arms across his chest. “That is YOUR responsibility. I already do enough around here.”

“Look, I can’t be going around there anymore and I really don’t like breaking up over text. Bring her flowers or something and send her my best regards. It was nice while it lasted! Also, you might find it really cool,” He stood up, giving a formal salute and then leaving Heeseung alone. 

*****

The rest of the day Heeseung had this raging headache. He had meetings and more meetings, projects not getting on time and him having to be stern on the managers for not keeping their teams in check. This didn’t seem to be going right anywhere and it was just so…loud all the time. Wherever he went around the building there was just chaos and then more chaos. He was feeling extremely overstimulated and on top of it he felt hot liquid soak his suit and realized an employee walked right into him with her coffee.

“Oh my! Oh no! Oh my god! I’m so sorry!” She began scrambling to try and clean him up as he stood there pinching his bridge and held out a hand for her to stop.

“Enough! Get back to work!” He said sternly to everyone around who stopped to watch the scene. 

He turned on his heels making his way back to his office to change. His secretary was on the phone and he quickly hung up as he walked behind Heeseung, closing the door.

“You look like hell,” Jay said, hands in pockets.

“Today’s not my day,” he said, removing his jackets and quickly unbuttoning his shirt as Jay went to the closet and picked out a new suit for him.

“Yup, it definitely is not. Should I fire whoever…did this?” He pointed up and down Heeseungs body, eyeing him.

“No, just drop it. Anything left for the day?” he asked, looking at the time, 5:57 PM.

“Nope. You’re free,” Jay said. “Do you need a ride today?”

“No, no I have something I have to do for Beomgyu, you can go without me,” Heeseung waved him off, finishing buttoning the last of his shirt and collecting his phone and keys from his desk.

“Wait, what?” Jay stopped him. “Beomgyu? That asshole has made today hell! What the hell does he have left for you?”

“Something I need to look into. I’ll tell you later,” Heeseung waved him off and left.

“Drive safe, sweetheart!” Jay yelled out. "Whatever, I guess."

*******

Heeseung looked at the paper in his hand and back at the building in front of him. He stood outside his car just staring at this place, unfamiliar and curious, a place he didn’t even know existed until now. A flower shop? Is this where Beomgyu’s girlfriend worked? It was on the outskirts of town, an hour drive and not many shops around here but looked like a small music shop and a small restaurant. The rest of the buildings looked to be abandoned or they could be apartments, he wasn’t sure. It looked like no one was home. Suddenly, the lights to the shop turned on, and the sign switched to ‘open’. A flower shop that opens in the evening? He shook his head and then walked across the street, opening the door.

The only sound he heard was the sound of the bell as he walked in. His senses began to fill with odors of floral beings of all kinds, and then the smell of…cinnamon and spice? The further he walked in the stronger the smell became, sweet and vibrant, hitting his senses from all around. Then suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around and came face to face with the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Her hair was black, curled and put up in a long ponytail. Her eyes were a hazel of some sort, big and bright. Her lips were full and she wore a small smile, cheeks were just as pink as her cute nose. In that moment, his breath was knocked right out of him and he couldn’t stop staring.

Hello, welcome! Do you need anything?

She waved her hands in his face and he finally snapped out of whatever trance she had him in. Whatever strange spell he came under, he had no idea but wouldn’t mind it to happen again. He looked down at the small notepad in her hand and read it. She held up her finger and began to write something again.

Would you like to take a look around? 

“Uhm, I’m looking for someone,” he said. “C-can you understand m-me?”

She nodded and smiled writing again.

I understand just fine. Who are you looking for?

“Her name is Gyuri?” He said more as a question.

The girl frowned and began to write.

Why? Who are you to her?

“Oh, no no please don’t misunderstand. I just have to relay a message,” he said in defense.

The girl nodded before holding her hand, wait, and then disappearing behind the back with another girl in tow.

“Uhm hi, you called for me?” the girl, who he assumed was Gyuri, said.

“You’re Gyuri?” He raised an eyebrow at the very plain looking woman, the type he could never see Beomgyu with.

“And you’re Lee Heeseung,” she folded her arms over her chest. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Beomgyu sent me a message saying he’s sorry and it’s not going to work out,” Heeseung just decided to rip the bandaid off, fast and strong.

“He said that? Well, good to know. I broke up with him a week ago,” she chuckled. “Thanks for reminding me.”

“Wait-YOU, broke up with HIM?” Heeseung scoffed. “Fucking bastard.”

“Yeah, that guy is crazy like…we barely even went out or whatever but he’s crazy,” Gyuri said. “Sorry you came all the way out here, You want a cinnamon roll?”

“I’m going to kill him.”

[wildflower-otome]

[Translation] Clover no Kuni no Alice ~White Calling~ Light Novel - Chapter 6

Author: Sana Shirakawa Artist: 文月ナナ

ACT6 - Attracted, pulled, revolving hearts

‘…..Ah-..hem, now then, let us bring the current Assembly to a close-. G-…good job, everyone. I will um…..send a notice of the details for the next one at a later date! —There, was that alright, Gray?’

‘That is correct. As the event holder, it is your duty to inform people when the next meeting will be held, Lord Nightmare.’

‘Ugh…..assemblies and event holding…..always causing me nothing but anxiety, it’s all so difficult…’

Even though Nightmare was still muttering to his aide, checking that he was doing the right thing, each of the participating role holders had already started getting up from their seats.

‘It’s finally over…..good grief. Assembly periods really are a pain.’

The man whose face was hidden beneath the brim of his hat sighed. Knowing him, he had probably been stifling his yawns from the shadows where no one could see him.

As she was thinking that, Blood turned around to look behind him with his usual seemingly lethargic attitude.

At the end of his gaze was not just Alice, but all the black-suited role-holders of Hatter Mansion grouped together. As the languid green gaze of their master looked over them, a soft sigh escaped him.

‘Everyone, hurry up and get your things together. I want to return to the Mansion before the next time period. Be late, and I’ll leave you behind.’

‘Sure, got it, Blood!’

‘Yeah, the discussions are so boring, we’re sick of them too. Even gatekeeping is more fun than this.’

‘It’s the rules so it can’t be helped…..but I hate things that are boring almost as much pay cuts.’

Each of them saying whatever they pleased, they began to walk.  When the girl who had been following at the rear end of them suddenly glanced back across the venue room, she saw that already only Nightmare, Gray and the Clover Tower members remained there.

The dream demon, who had thrown himself half on to a table with an exhausted expression on his pale face was complaining.

‘Ah-…..I was so nervous…..I feel so nauseous….. I’ve had enough of assemblies.’

‘Lord Nightmare…..were you not already throwing up enough blood during the Assembly? …..And you still have to prepare for the next one, too.’

They were likely documents. A pile of white coloured papers in hand, Gray dropped his shoulders and murmured.

‘You must take at least a little more care of your health until the next Assembly…..it won’t be a proper discussion if it keeps getting interrupted each time the event holder starts vomiting blood. I do believe it might be a good idea after all for you to stay at the hospital for a while and get an IV drip…..you need to get some more nutrients at least.’

‘A-An IV drip!? I-I can’t help it, you know- It’s not as if I’m throwing up blood because I want to! If you want me to get nutrients, can’t you do something about that cooking of yours…..u-uugh-‘

The dream demon had been desperately opposed to his subordinate’s harsh advice, but it appeared he had reached the limits of his strength. With the usual loud moan, he collapsed flat onto the table.

‘Lord Nightmare-…..’

This caused a commotion as the Tower employees hurriedly ran about to check on their master’s condition, but it appeared Gray was used to it. Alice could tell from the brisk way he gave out his instructions.

It was normal for Nightmare to be ill, and if Gray was with him, he would be fine. So thinking, as the girl turned around, the all too conspicuous hat, the tall back and the pair of axes were already quite a distance away.

With the people of the Tower and the Castle’s maids between them, the members of the Hatter Mansion had already gone far enough away they were beyond where Alice’s hands could reach them.

However, she could still catch up to them at this distance. With that in mind, Alice sped up a little and chased after them.

She hadn’t brought all that much luggage to the Tower of Clover, but she was looking forward to being able to return to her usual place.

There would surely be nothing better than to get herself ready to leave as soon as possible.

As the group of four turned the corner of the corridor, they disappeared from view. But just as she went to push through the crowd so that she wouldn’t lose sight of them, she heard it.

—Open, the door—

‘…..Huh?’

The whispers that she had heard so many times before now entered her ears.

Even when she turned around, there were only the role-less people that she had overtaken. Doors weren’t things that could speak, they were nothing more than doors.

All the same, her feet ended up coming to a sudden stop.

‘…..…..’

—Open the door—

—You’ll be able to go the place you most want to go—

—Come…..you must open the door—

Alice knew what lay ahead. She had come here right after she had experienced her first move, the first time she had come to the territory known as the Tower of Clover.

‘…..…..’

A twisted and warped staircase. A passageway you could not continue on without ignoring gravity.

And.

The numerous doors it was decorated with. Many doors of different kinds awaited Alice there, stuck to the walls, visible from the sides of the staircase.

‘…..…..’

—Come, open it—

—Let’s go to the place you most want to go—

‘Ah.’

Following the beckoning voices, the girl placed her white hand on one of the doorknobs.

The chilly sensation in the palm of her hand brought her a small sense of reality.

If she were to open the door, Alice could go to a different place. She could reach the place she herself most wanted to go. Although she had no idea what would await her there.

‘…..…..’

Despite having no idea what it was she wanted.

Was it alright to do as she was urged, and open it?

 ‘…..…..’

She was hesitating. In a situation like this, her hand touching the knob, the only thing left after this being to turn it once.

Even so, she was hesitating.

In spite of all the times she had repeatedly said that Hatter Mansion was the place that she belonged, she wondered what on earth these emotions she couldn’t completely cut away from her were.

—Oh my, Alice. Falling asleep, you’re a troublesome child, you know?’—

For some reason, she felt as if the face of her elegantly laughing older sister had flashed across her mind. Even though she had decided to break away, choosing to remain in this world without returning to her.

Ah, I really don’t know when to just let things go.

If she didn’t want to go, all she had to do was remove her hand from the doorknob. And then it would all be over once she returned to her room, and met up with everyone else. She could return to the place she had decided was where she belonged.

I have to let go and leave this place. Though she told herself that in her heart, as if unseen chains bound her there, her hand could not let go of the doorknob.

‘…..Why?’

I should have already decided that I wanted to remain here.

She had decided herself that she wanted to stay here.

Even so—she was unable to keep herself away from the doors.

The whispering voices were like an invisible thread.

She did not plan on turning the knob. She should not have wanted to open the door.

‘-‘

As if against her own will, Alice’s hand slowly moved. Without letting go, she was turning the doorknob…..in order to take a peek at what was inside.

‘…..No-…..’

She was afraid to see what lay beyond the door. No matter who awaited her there, Alice would lose the place she had now. Even though she knew that, she couldn’t stop herself.

Not wanting to see what was on the other side of the door, she closed her eyes. As she did so, her hand turned the knob, and as it slowly opened towards the girl—

‘Please don’t open it.’

Clunk.

With a small noise, the door was closed.

‘…..Huh?’

The surprised one was Alice, who had been touching the door. When she looked, she could see that a different hand from the one she had gripping the doorknob had closed it.

White gloves extended out from a black overcoat. The presence she felt at her back was one that she knew well.

It wasn’t the fickle and sarcastic master of the Mansion.

It wasn’t the big hearted second in command.

It wasn’t the gatekeepers who had grown larger than her.

‘Peter…?’

‘Don’t open it. Alice, I beg of you…..!’

As he continued to lightly push on the door, the voice of the White Rabbit echoed from behind the girl’s back.

As if to take Alice back from the whispering, enticing doors…..his other arm was around the girl’s waist.

‘…..Why are you here?’

The people of Heart Castle had begun to move at around the same time as those of Hatter Mansion. Especially as they were the kind of people that tended to immediately start gun fights just coming face to face with each other. Because of that, likely in order to minimise contact, separate doors had been built right next to the allotted sections in the venue, so that each of the members of the different territories could enter and exit.

That of course meant that he and Alice, who had come from the block allocated to Hatter Mansion, would have exited in completely different directions.

‘Peter…..how did you-?’

‘I beg of you. Don’t open the door…..please don’t go…..somewhere I can't follow.’

Alice wondered if it was just her imagination that his voice sounded as if he were about to cry. With him hugging her from behind, it wasn’t possible for her to see his face.

Even so, she was certain that the warmth and sense of presence at her back was one that she had felt countless times before now.

‘…..…..’

Badump, badump, Alice’s heart pounded.

The hand that touched her body for some reason felt hot.

She wasn’t sure what kind of effect it had on her.

Before she had realised it, the strength had gone out of her hand…..and at some point she had let go of the door knob.

‘Alice…..’

‘…..Peter…..’

She had been embraced by him many times before. Even when she had come to this world, she had been made to jump into the hole with him still carrying her.

Each time up until now, she had been able to shake free of him saying, ‘Let me go already’, but right now she was unable to do so.

‘…..…..’

She remembered.

Peter, saying that he didn’t like the doors in the Forest for leading Alice astray.

Peter, covered in wounds, but even so holding a gun aloft in one hand, attacking the enemy.

Peter, saying that food had no taste at all.

Alice, he had said.

Peter, smiling as he called her, as if saying her name was happiness itself to him.

Something was wrong with her.

Even though it was strange for her head to be full of thoughts of him.

She wondered why…..being unable to shake him off felt so comfortable.

‘Um…..Peter, this…..’

They couldn’t continue to stay as they were for long. They were friends, but the territories they lived in were enemies.

She wasn’t sure how well his stalker-ish behaviour was known to those around them, but being embraced like this in a place where there was no sign of anyone else would invite misunderstandings.

Though she knew that in her head…..she couldn’t push him away.

The arm that gently embraced her was warm and strong, and she could not speak.

‘Just as I thought…..it’s impossible.’

‘Huh?’

‘I had thought that if it was what you wanted, it couldn’t be helped if you were to continue to stay forever with that detestable man but…..it’s impossible. I cannot allow things to continue on like this.’

Tightly.

The arm around Alice’s waist tightened more and more, bringing her closer.

Still unable to turn around, what kind of expression he had on his face right now…..she was unable to imagine it.

‘I cannot return you to Hatter Mansion.’

‘…..What, are you saying…..’

‘There is still hesitation within you.’

Perhaps because Alice had let go of the door. He moved the hand that had been holding the door closed and quietly…..touched her chest.

The white gloved hand laid itself over the left side of her chest.

‘-‘

She felt her heart jump even further at the sensation. However, she did not try and struggle.

Because she knew what Peter was trying to touch was the heart inside her chest, beating even now.

Even so, that she was so unguarded at being touched by him surprised even her.

‘Peter…’

‘Perhaps the move has caused it. The country itself has become unstable, it must have had an ill effect on you.’

Alice.

In her ear, a husky sounding voice called her name.

His voice that she had heard any number of times. Lips that had said her name many times before.

However—this was likely the first time the sound of it had penetrated so deeply into her heart.

Even on the night she had been attacked, the voice that had called out to her had been gentle but…..now, it felt different.

—Why do you call out to me in a voice like that?—

Questions rose up inside her chest. She wondered if he was able to hear them from her heart beat, though she knew even the thought was absurd. Despite the fact she was not calm at all…..the strength of the hand touching her caused her to be unable to fight back.

‘I beg of you. Please, come to Heart Castle. I’ll protect you forever…..If it’s for the sake of your happiness, I’ll always, always continue to protect you.’

‘…..…..’

Alice had never received such a sincere confession from anyone before.

Especially in Peter’s case, though a lot of what he said began with ‘I love you’, he had probably never once so earnestly asked anything of her.

She had never…..heard such a strained sounding voice before, as if he were holding back tears.

And, for her to feel happy at hearing it…..there was no way that could be.

‘Peter.’

Though she still didn’t know what his true intentions were, it was impossible for heart not to waver at hearing a request conveyed with the utmost of sincerity.

The hand that had guided her when she had come to this world, would she be allowed to follow along to where it led her?

‘…..But, I’m sorry.’

What came into her mind was the face of her sister, smiling even now, in the world she had decided to turn her back on.

‘…..I can’t. …..Please understand, Peter.’

Ever since the move to the Country of Clover, no, ever since she had been in the Country of Hearts, he had invited her to the Castle again and again.

Although she did feel somewhat apologetic over only being able to repeat the same answer as before, Alice was not lying. There was no way she could say it.

She did not think that Hatter Mansion was so above all others as a place to live. To say nothing of the fact that she did not necessarily dislike the idea of going to Heart Castle.

It was just, as someone who had left the place she originally was supposed to be, having been pulled into another world…..she objected to moving from the Mansion, which she had already decided was where she belonged.

To abandon her family once again…..there was no way she could forgive herself for doing something that was the same as turning her back on the place that had accepted her.

‘You must know already…..Hatter Mansion is my home…..so I can’t move to the Castle.’

Despite trying to speak in a purposely light tone, halfway through she seemed to have trouble getting the words out.

They were dangerous, members of the Mafia and sometimes absurd…..but each one of the people that lived in the Mansion were important family to Alice.

Even if, as Peter had said, she was unstable, she couldn’t change her place of residence so easily.

‘…..I’m sorry, Peter. But, I’m fine-…..’

‘No.‘

The White Rabbit decisively cut Alice off, rejecting what she had been about to say.

Alice was surprised to hear him dismiss her words so firmly.

It wasn’t rare for him to not hear what she was saying at all, but until now he had never once so decisively vetoed her.

‘No. Knowing that you’ll lose your way again…..I cannot leave you with the likes of Blood Dupre-’

‘…..…..-’

 The arm around her waist drew away, and she was able to turn around to face him head on.

The red eyes in front of her as she looked up at them had not been crying at all.

However—Peter was now looking at her with a conviction Alice had not seen from him before.

With that clear red gaze, beautiful and free of any impurity.

‘If it was about anything else, I would not mind…..I want to grant all your wishes. But, this is the only thing I cannot yield on. Even if…..you refuse to come to Heart Castle, I will take you home with me.’

‘…..…..’

‘I despise that man too but…..I cannot let the likes of a ghost steal you away.’

If it will make you happy—I will do anything.

So saying as if to tell himself that, it did not appear the White Rabbit had any intention of listening to anything else Alice had to say. Grabbing the girl’s hand, he began to walk.

‘Peter…!’

‘…..…..’

Though she called out to him as she walked behind, he did not turn around.

There was no way he could not hear her at this distance. He had never once before purposely ignored Alice’s voice.

That he would try to take her with him, even if it meant ignoring what Alice said-

‘…..Wait, I’ve haven’t yet decided…..that I’ll go to Heart Castle -‘

‘…..…..’

The White Rabbit did not turn around at her appeal. The misgivings inside Alice only grew further.

What was it that was making him go this far?

That it was something she had done that had spurred him to action was without a doubt. But what was it he could so firmly not allow?

Being led astray by the doors was not something out of the ordinary for her. Although the people of Hatter Mansion had warned her any number of times before now about the doors, they had not gone so far as to ignore Alice’s will to take her back from them.

Perhaps it was because they knew that Alice’s home was with them at the Mansion.

‘…..…..’

His territory was Heart Castle. Obviously, it was a different place from the Mansion that Alice continued to reside at.

Simply changing her place of residence would not cause Alice’s heart to change. Even though he ought to have known that from all their interactions up until now.

Peter and the people of Hatter Mansion were different.

They surely believed. That no matter how much Alice were to lose her way, in the end the place she would return home to would be their own territory, and nowhere else.

Peter, who resided elsewhere, was unable to have that same peace of mind. That was likely why he so greatly wanted to have Alice someplace near him.

Do I really have the kind of value to make you so anxious?

The things Peter said and did were always out of the ordinary. Even so, she knew that he would never do anything that would bring harm to her.

As she gazed at the hand tugging her along, Alice hesitated as to what to do.

‘…..…..’

‘…..…..’

Clack clack, their footsteps echoed against the hard floor.

The situation was the same as when he had invited her to the Castle from the completely green Forest once before.

The White Rabbit pulling the girl by the hand, taking Alice with him as he led her outside.

However, this was the first time Peter had taken Alice somewhere, without turning to look back.

***

‘Peter…-‘

Once they had left the room of clamouring doors, the White Rabbit at last turned around to face Alice.

However, the expression on his face was much more stern than she had imagined. It was not necessarily like the one the master of the Mansion had when he was displeased, but still she found she could not speak.

The red gaze that should have always looked at her happily, was now wavering somewhat uncertainly.

‘I thought that I could put up with it. If you, wanted to stay at that Mansion…..if that was the best choice to you…..I had thought that I would be alright with that.’

‘…..…..’

The white hand traced her cheek. Gently, as if to confirm she was still there, or perhaps timidly, as if he were handling something fragile.

The hand that had, just before, so firmly held onto her without slackening for even a moment, now felt terribly frail…..and that took away Alice’s resistance.

If he was being this way on purpose, he would have to be the best of actors. The most talented of them would be no match for him for sure.

However, from all their interactions up until now Alice knew. He was not the kind of Rabbit to use such petty tricks on her.

The hand that belonged to this pushy, self-centered Rabbit always…..acted so as to bring Alice happiness. Although, it wasn’t unusual for what Peter thought was happiness for Alice to not be the same as what she herself wanted.

‘I don’t want to leave you on your own when you’re unstable. Because I love you.’

‘…..…..’

‘Because I love you, I want to make you happy. If you can become happy by staying in this world, I—’

He stopped in the middle of speaking.

The red eyes that had been tinged with emotion just a moment ago all of a sudden looked cold.

In an instant, the face of the man who had said he was Alice’s White Rabbit returned to the expression of one of those with power in this world.

‘…..Good grief. You really do nothing but get in my way.’

‘That would be my line, Prime Minister. I will have to ask you not to interfere unnecessarily with one of my Mansion’s people. It is most disagreeable.’

Hearing the voice not even trying to hide his hostility, Alice’s expression shifted nervously.

Below them, on the staircase that extended down in the direction they had just been about to go, was a black shadow. It would have been difficult to judge who it was just based on the colour of his suit, but it was obvious once you saw the hat he wore on his head.

Hands enveloped in gloves that were a contrasting colour to the ones the White Rabbit wore swung his decorated cane once.

 Alice hadn’t noticed at all how close he had come to them.

 The Hatter, Blood Dupre.

She didn’t even need to see the green gaze that looked out from beneath the large hat brim. Alice could feel on her skin that Blood’s mood was at its most dangerous level.

‘Disagreeable? That is exactly what I think of you…..Allowing Alice to go all on her own to the doors, you are absolutely useless.’

Tightly.

The pressure of the hand holding hers increased in intensity. Perhaps it was just her imagination that the feeling of it made the inside of her chest feel somehow hot.

‘I will look after Alice at Heart Castle. I cannot leave her to you.’

‘Hoh…..In other words, you plan on declaring war, I take it. Is that right, Prime Minister?’

The Hatter’s expression had not changed hearing Peter’s icily spoken words. Rather, the sneering smile on his face only further deepened, as he pointed the tip of the cane he held at the White Rabbit.

‘-‘

She had seen how intimidating his weapon was firsthand, during the attack not so long ago. She was not sure of the exact difference in power between the two of them as role holders. However, if a gun fight were to begin in a place like this, it would surely not end well. Situation-wise it would be worse than the one from before. Back then, they had been on a back road where not many people came, but right now they were in Clover Tower. It would cause a huge ruckus if a mainstay of Heart Castle and the head of Hatter Mansion were to get into a gunfight.

And also—Peter and Blood both were the kind of people that tended to ignore the constraints of the rules if necessary. The pact to not fight thrown to the side, a feeling of high tension ran through the vicinity, they seemed about to start shooting any moment now.

‘…..…..’

Alice’s place was at Hatter Mansion. This was the point where she should throw off the White Rabbit’s hand and go to Blood. The current situation would probably settle once she made the decision of her own volition. Because Peter likely would not pull the trigger with Alice there.

All the same…..for some reason, Alice was unable to throw off the hand that held hers.

‘…..Blood…..’

At the very least, she had to avoid a situation that ended with the two of them fighting here. Even though she knew that, unable to move, Alice spoke his name in a faint sounding voice.

‘…..…..’

Seeing her, she wondered what the fickle Hatter had thought.

The dangerous aura around him subsiding somewhat, he lowered his raised arm.

However, the sharpness of his gaze did not change. He looked up at Alice with eyes that seemed to pierce through her.

‘The place where you belong…..you understand where that is, don’t you, Alice?’

‘…..Yes.’

Her role, and her position.

The one to give them to her had been this man.

Even if the truth was he had done it out of simple curiosity at the beginning, the fact that his interest had become a deep affection…..it was the same on Alice’s part, as well.

‘I know. My home is Hatter Mansion.’

Her answer was immediate. There should have been no hesitation when she spoke of the decision she had made long ago.

‘…..Alice.’

However, the words to respond to that voice were something Alice did not have. Realising that the White Rabbit’s face had slightly twisted at hearing her answer so decisively, she pretended that she had not noticed. If she looked at him, she had a premonition that…..there was something inside of her that would change.

It seemed likely that the Hatter on the staircase below them had not overlooked a single bit of Alice’s answer, or of Peter’s reaction to it. He sighed as if exasperated and shrugged his shoulders.

‘I see. Then, I don’t suppose it is so out of the ordinary for a young lady like yourself to spend time away from home occasionally…..do as you please.’

‘What?’

‘If you were staying over without permission, then as head of the household, and as a friend, I should stop you but…..if you understand that well, I said I do not mind you staying temporarily at Heart Castle. Young lady.’

As he chuckled, the smiling expression on his face was that of the usual lethargic Hatter.

However, the feeling of intimidation throughout her entire body had not abated even a little. She was even a little more unnerved instead.

‘Lord Peter White.’

Whoosh.

The tip of the cane slicing through the empty air made a sound as it was pointed once again at the White Rabbit.

‘Temporary thought it maybe, I am entrusting you with my important young lady. You understand what that means, don’t you?’

A soft sounding tone.

In a voice that while languid, even sounded gentle.

‘I thought I should at least warn you. If even a single hair on her head is hurt while she is with you, prepare yourself. I hate doing things that are bothersome, but I will not willingly overlook one of my people getting hurt. I will destroy that tacky Castle you live in without leaving a trace. Not even a single piece of ash will remain.’

The smile he directed towards the White Rabbit was perfect yet full of menace at the same time.

Although it was not aimed directly at her, Alice couldn’t even move.

Alice had never seen Blood threatening someone in so obvious a way before. He was the kind of man that usually kept up his lethargic demeanor even in times that called for being intimidating.

However, simultaneously a feeling of anxiety sprang up inside of Alice.

That perhaps he would come to think of her as someone he did not need even if she were to go away—that kind of selfish anxiety.

Though she had felt relieved at being stopped, now she was self-absorbedly thinking that maybe he was getting rid of her.

‘Blood..’

She only called his name, but she couldn’t completely erase her anxiety. The intuitive Blood had likely guessed her thoughts.

The Hatter chuckled as if his mood had improved somewhat and smacked his cane into the palm of his own hand.

‘My my…..How worried you look, don’t tell me you want me to take you back straight away, young lady? I don’t mind if that’s the case, if you say that’s what you want but…..a chance to stay at Heart Castle might not come again. I think it’s not such a bad idea for a change of pace. At the very least…..there is far less chance of meeting guests with worse manners than the Prime Minister.’

‘…..Ah…..’

Hearing what he had said, Alice’s eyes widened as she realised.

Memories of the attacks that had occurred one after the other in the vicinity of Clover Tower came into her mind.

The one to tell her that Assemblies were conducted during periods of instability was this man.

She had never been told the details of what Blood and the others did on a daily basis as members of the Mafia. Bombing incidents aside, it was likely the fighting with other organisations would intensify during this Assembly period.

However, put another way, this dispute was against them as the Hatter Family. It was a different thing from the conflicts he was involved in over land as a territory leader.

This man probably meant to put an end to the dispute while Alice was away from the Mansion.

It was by no means because he was making light of Alice, or because he had gotten tired of her.

Rather—he was looking after her in his own way, so that she would not end up being dragged into the fight between Mafia. Having realised that, the expression on Alice’s face softened as she smiled.

‘You…..really aren’t an honest person, are you.’

She knew that he was the kind of person that liked making himself look worse than he was, not wanting to show the effort that he put into things. Even though in a time like this she would have liked to have been able to straightforwardly say thank you…..being so indulgent to those he trusted was very like him. Though she thought he was a troublesome man for never wanting to be upfront about it, her smile still did not disappear.

Truth be told…..Alice herself was also a little worried at being parted from Peter while he was still so full of anxiety. She was unable to think about changing her place of residence, but leaving him on his own concerned her.

Even if she were to return to the Mansion at this point in time, she would likely end up going to Heart Castle again and again feeling the way she did right now.

He had said that Alice was unstable, but the White Rabbit had also been acting strange himself recently. The way he had begun showing up at Hatter Mansion so brazenly was part of it, but his overprotectiveness since seeing her at the doors in the Forest was far and beyond.

If.

If she could take away at least a little of his anxiety by remaining close to him…..she thought that it might be a good idea to stay by his side until he calmed down.

‘…..…..’

And also, so long as Peter held her hand, Alice would not lose her way. While she didn’t have definite proof, she was certain of it. After looking up at the White Rabbit as he drew her closer, and smiling at the Hatter on the staircase below, it appeared Blood had picked up on the general gist of things. With the usual cynical smile on his face, he made a show of shrugging his shoulders.

‘It goes without saying but….. if you find yourself missing our tea parties together, I won’t mind you coming home whenever you want, you know? In the end, this is just a temporary whim after all. I’ll come for you whenever I feel like having a tea party together, so keep that in mind.’

‘What foolishness…..as if I would ever willingly hand her over to you.’

It appeared that the man’s mood had worsened yet again as the White Rabbit, who had up until now maintained his silence, interjected, but he made no threats like he had just before.

He shrugged his shoulders as if fed up, and leisurely turned his back on them.

‘Well then, see you later, Alice. When you return, I shall welcome you with the highest quality of teas.’

‘…..Yes…..’

Thank you.

She said a small thank you inside her heart. However, he was not the dream demon of Clover Tower. Though he did not have the power to read minds, perhaps because he had sensed Alice’s feelings, he turned around once and smiled.

And then, in an instant, the wry smile was written over with a different expression.

‘Prime Minister. Don’t forget what I have told you…..alright?’

‘Hah-…..I would prefer to forget as soon as possible that I ever had a conversation with the likes of you. Hurry up and return to your own territory.’

‘…..Hmph.’

After sparks of tension crackled between the two role holders, the conversation ended there. As Alice saw off the silhouette moving further into the distance, Peter took her hand and once again began to walk.

‘Come, Alice. Let us go to the Castle.’

‘…..…..’

‘It’s alright. I will be with you all the way…..I will not allow the doors to lead you astray. You needn’t worry at all.’

The red eyes straightforwardly reflected Alice in them as he smiled softly.

‘…..It won’t be forever, don’t forget that this is just temporary, will you? Without the permission of my household head, I won’t be able to stay permanently.’

The concerned sounding words made her feel ticklish.

She was the one who was worried about him, but he was acting as if it were the other way around. Thinking that, she tilted her head, but the White Rabbit suddenly brought his face close to hers with great energy.

‘You needn’t be so considerate of a man like that! I want to be with you always, forever, and at all times-!‘

Alice felt relieved seeing him make his impassioned speech.

She knew this version of Peter very well. His usual stalker-ish, one-sided way of speaking was something she was completely familiar with.

‘I’m sure I told you before, that place is where my job is. Don’t insult it, please.’

‘Alice.’

‘I don’t plan on being ungrateful.’

She could never treat the place that had given her a job and a place to belong as if it didn’t matter. Because no matter how much time had passed, the fact that Hatter Mansion was an important place to Alice would not change.

Perhaps sensing the firmness in Alice’s words, Peter once more tried to argue, but appeared to settle as she glared at him sharply. His white ears began to droop forlornly.

‘Your answer, Peter?’

‘…..I understand. I’m a clever rabbit, so I won’t say anything that will trouble you.’

‘Very good.’

As Alice gave an exaggerated nod, the expression on the White Rabbit’s face changed suddenly.

‘Hey, Alice…..your stay at the Castle may be only for a time. But, please do not forget at least this.’

He spoke softly, his lips close to her ear.

Not the scent of roses that she often felt in the place she was accustomed to, but a different presence enveloped Alice.

‘Peter?’

‘No matter where you are or when, to be your guide is a role that belongs only to me. I will not give that over to anyone else.’

And then, feeling something warm touch her cheek, Alice started in surprise.

‘P-Peter!?’

She should already be used to Peter’s over-the-top skinship…..so why was it she felt so thrown off balance at just the feel of his lips touching her cheek? …..Alice was surprised herself hearing the almost squeak that came out of her mouth.

The first time they met, he had made her drink medicine through his mouth. Compared to that, it was rather a cute form of contact, nothing more.

As she looked up at the red eyes in a fluster, Peter was laughing.

‘That is why, I will guide you, so that you can become happy—Come, please follow me.’

In all likelihood, he would never show this kind of expression in front of anyone else. Not to anyone at Heart Castle, or anyone from another territory.

The only time he would smile this way was when Alice was before him.

‘Peter.’

Why did he look at her that way?

He should have known better than anyone that Alice was just an Outsider.

This hand was always the one to guide her.

Unable to oppose it, Alice let it take her where it would.

To be continued……

[kukkakisu]

*sPLODES*

Hello! I’ve been digging around your oc lore and I’m curious, Is Nate gonna be ok? I can’t imagine very slowly being infected by something incurable is all too good for the system, mentally or physically. Does CC notice at all? Does anyone?

Also, I can’t imagine The Conductor is going to be too happy when CC brings his human guardian to the manor one day. I can only imagine that would be, at the very least, very awkward for everyone involved. Like a kid brings over their stepdad to meet their other dad who hates the other. (Although, that presumes any interaction would happen in the first place, which it might not given Nate's schedules, but I thought it was a funny thought, but also ignore me if this is cringe as I don’t know them well enough)

Any other notable oc interactions? I still wonder what early Naava lore is like. (I still think it’s so cool that it grows usnea, especially since usnea is a valuable medicinal herb great for being a natural bandaid, and idk that feels pretty in line with Naava’s whole deal.)

Carmine. Please let him be okay. Someone get this employee some cookies and a blanket.

Lastly, just a quick ty for the little comments/support on Vela’s post :) <3 I hope they can be friends with your ocs… or uh, (looks at Vultur trading lives for a cookie) some of them. They would love Naava, but I can’t imagine their getup is particularly approachable looking to brackens, least of all one that does not like humans to begin with.

Hii! Yippee! Thank you for the questions! Nathaniel keeps things hidden well very much on purpose. He doesn't want to bother others with the concern of his illness or for them to pity him because of it. Copycat has seen what is going on with his body but doesn't understand the gravity of the situation since Nate hasn't explained it to him. He's stubborn and resilient so regardless of what his fate will end up being, he won't give up without putting up a fight. He's determined to find a cure. Whether he will survive or not-- well. Ahahah! Next question! (I will be drawing or writing something relating to it later, so you will find out eventually!) Naava has met Nate but only watches him from a distance whenever he interacts with CC. They don't want to go close, and somewhat respect CC's decision to be friendly with the human. As long as the human is friendly too, it's fine. They will be watching closely regardless. Just in case. If something goes wrong, they won't hesitate to run in and end his life. Conductor has in fact also met Nate. It does not like him but lets him be because Naava wishes so. Might have tried to fight the poor guy once and got scolded by the Bracken afterward. So now whenever Nate visits the interior of the Moon he usually gets to go about his business in peace. Not that he's there any longer than he needs to be. 30 minutes at most. Conductor will still very much throw nasty glares at the medic whenever it ends up running into him, though. Copycat likes just about anyone and anything that he can interact with without blowing up. If it isn't actively hurting or threatening him? Friend! Someone he hasn't seen before? Friend! Funny looking plant? You guessed it, friend! Gets along with others easily, though human employees are understandably sometimes a bit off-put by him. What comes to other interactions, I will be putting them under a read more so this post doesn't become too long! There is a lot!

Carmine is still dealing with the traumatic loss of his crew, but he is learning to love and find joy again.

He is in a much better place now. At first he was very timid and unsure but warmed up to the others quickly. He's a scaredly cat, even more so than CC, but will grab his shovel and defend his friends if he has to. He also gets along great with Nate. He feels calm around him and is grateful that there is someone who can guide them through scary situations without faltering. It's still hard for them to be around CC, but he's taking his time and slowly getting used to the energetic Masked who keeps bringing him plastic fish. He thinks it's cute, even if the mask still startles him from time to time. Has seen Naava once. Got so startled he ran away screaming. Naava didn't chase him. None of the Brackens he runs into do. They can probably tell how scared he is and leave the poor man be. Or perhaps they can sense something else. The waters of Gordion do have a distinct scent of death, after all.

Nate and Vultur dislike each other. They have history and very opposing views on their research. CC doesn't know why they don't get along but can sense the tension between them and has learned that Vultur is one of those people he shouldn't get close to. Something about the way they stare at him through the helmet's visor is enough to send shivers down his spine.

Paradox is a name I haven't mentioned in a while, but her interactions with the others are very limited and not kind. The Jester sleeps and is usually dormant for long durations at a time. It wakes up during eclipses and that is a dangerous time for everyone on the Moon. While Paradox isn't that interested in eating Brackens or Nutcrackers, Masked have a similar scent and taste to that of human employees. So. You can probably see where this is going. Both Naava and Conductor are on high alert during this time, making sure to keep a very close eye on CC. It would be preferred that the little Masked wouldn't even be on the moon during that time, but it can't always be prevented. They've had few encounters with the hungry Jester. She's not one to listen during her hunt, so the best they can do is to hold her back or find something else to feed her. Once it's full, Paradox will sink back inside the box and sleep until the next eclipse arrives. She has a neutral opinion of others (everyone is mice to it) but is a lot more docile after it has eaten.

Also I am so happy you noticed the neat little usnea thing! It is intentional and Naava often uses it to aid their injured friends. The specific kind that grows on them is not only an antiseptic but also an anesthetic. Correctly applied, it can stop the bleeding of most wounds and quicken the recovery process. It can't do miracles though, so if someone is too far gone there is only so much Naava can do to help. Their past is still a bit of an unknown territory for most of the creatures, but they do know it came from the earth itself. Naava often talks about the importance of being kind to others, because in the end, the earth will swallow them all. And in the belly of the earth, nobody is anything and everyone is everything. None of them understand what they mean but in time… I'm sure they will find out :)

And aaa of course! Vela is so delightful! I'd love for them to meet some of my babies! While Naava is naturally cautious of humans and would definitely find the eyes on the helmet a bit threatening, they're a lot softer on people who are anxious, in distress, and/or considerate of others. So I think Vela would be safe! Nate and CC are usually the friendliest toward pretty much anyone and anything. Carmine is timid and it takes him time to get used to new people but I'm sure he'd love to have a new friend as well! And well, the questionable experiments and dissecting aside, Vultur does have a softer side to them. It's just very hard to get through their shell. They've lost a lot and openly caring about others is a type of vulnerability they try to avoid in fear of losing something they love again. They do like doing embroidery on the suits of their crew though so there is something in common with them!

And like, even if characters wouldn't technically get along it's always possible to think of silly interactions with them! It's a lot of fun! Always feel free to drop by my messages if you want to chat about them more!

[whump-card]

Whumptember Day Twenty-Eight

“I never should have let it come this far”

Failed hero | Hospital stay | Begging for help

Chronologically: 6

~1990 words

Masterlist

CW: discussion of past noncon, injury reveal, negative self-talk

~~~

“I’m looking for Sir Driemal, is he here?”

Ren stuck out like a sore thumb in the lobby of the fine inn. He was covered in dust and dirt, his shoes were caked in mud, and his hair was matted. All the result of walking for days and sleeping in ditches or barns. The inn’s attendant unsubtly wrinkled her nose at him.

“No, no Sir Driemal here.”

“Well, well what about…” Ren floundered in desperation, “Sir Cassius? Lady Richard? Any knights at all, are any staying here?”

“No,” the attendant said flatly, “I think you’d best be on your way.”

“But they said they’d be here, It’s only Saturday, they’re supposed to be here…” Ren couldn’t help the tears that sprang to his eyes. “Are there any knights here?”

“Try the poorhouse,” the attendant snapped.

“Ren!”

Ren spun around to see Sir Driemal in the doorway to the dining hall. The knight wasted no time striding forward, and almost seemed like he might hug Ren, before he caught himself.

“Ren, I’m so glad you came. I was so worried you wouldn’t be able to leave her.”

“I almost didn’t,” the words flowed out of Ren so easily when he spoke to Driemal.

“Good job, man!” Sir Driemal clapped a hand onto Ren’s shoulder, sending a jolt of electric excitement through Ren’s body and bringing a smile to his face. The knight turned to the attendant, who looked like she wished she could melt into the floor.

“Prepare a room for Ren here, if you will?” Sir Driemal requested.

“I’m terribly sorry, sir, but we’re full tonight,” she said, and this time it sounded like she was telling the truth.

“No matter!” Driemal squeezed Ren’s shoulder reassuringly, causing another buzz of delight, “He can stay in my room! Take his horse to the stables and have his luggage sent up to mine.”

“Oh, sir, I…” Ren’s smile melted; he wasn’t sure whether to be confused, embarrassed, or scared. “I don’t… I don’t have a horse. Or luggage.”

Sir Driemal blinked at him.

“You… You walked here?”

“Yes, sir.”

“With nothing?”

“Well - yes, sir.”

Sir Driemal dropped his hand from Ren’s shoulder and looked him up and down, as if noticing his ragged state for the first time. His face darkened with concern.

“We… I had no idea, that you… I would have thought you had a horse, I… I’m so sorry, Ren, we should have left money for you.”

Ren shook his head, horrified at the idea.

“No, no! I made it, that's all that matters.”

Driemal managed a guilty smile.

“You did. You did.” He turned back to the attendant, who quickly pretended she hadn’t been listening. “Set up a hot bath in my room, please.”

She chirped an agreement and Sir Driemal led Ren by the arm into the dining hall, where he let Ren collapse into a chair before bringing him mountains of fine food. Ren ate like a half-starved animal, because he was - for days now he’d been eating garbage and charity. Now he threw back meat pies and cheeses and ale with gusto. Driemal watched him with that same guilty smile. Ren flushed when he caught the knight staring.

“I’m sorry, sir. You must think me very ill-mannered.”

“No, I…” Sir Driemal shook his head, “I only wonder when you last ate.”

Ren didn’t answer.

Once he’d had his fill, Sir Driemal showed Ren to his room. Inn employees were just leaving, and a massive wooden tub of steaming water awaited inside, along with washcloths and towels on a side table. Sir Driemal went to his trunk and rooted around in it.

“The only spare sleeping-clothes I have is my summer set, I hope that’s alright.” He offered a bundle of white linen to Ren.

“That’s alright, sir,” Ren accepted them, then looked around. There was only one bed in the room, a massive four-poster. “Where will I sleep?”

“Do you mind sharing the bed? I won’t have you sleeping on the floor,” Sir Driemal said casually, “Besides, look at the size of that thing! We won’t bother each other.”

Too overwhelmed to decline, Ren nodded.

“I’m going back downstairs to iron out our plans with the others,” Sir Driemal said, “Take your time. Don’t wait up for me, I’m sure you’re exhausted.”

Ren was very suddenly alone. He set the clothes down on the side table, and brushed his fingers across the soft, clean fabric. Sir Driemal had no idea how kind he was.

Ren set to work, stripping down. Not wanting to immediately dirty the beautiful tub, he wetted a washcloth and scrubbed himself down twice before getting in to soak. The hot water was immensely soothing to his many bruises and aches. He could hardly believe that such a luxury was his to enjoy.

He stayed in the bath until it was tepid. Once he was clean and dry and able to comb his fingers through his damp hair without them catching, he picked up the sleeping-clothes and shook them out.

His heart sank.

They were indeed summer sleepwear. The top was sleeveless, and the bottoms would only reach his mid-thigh. They would leave countless bruises exposed, as well as his welt-covered shoulders. His hands clenched into fists around the fabric as his breath shook.

He’d just have to wake up before Sir Driemal did, and get dressed quickly. No problem.

He pulled on the clothes and went over to the bed. The far side was slightly mussed, so Ren approached the nearer and climbed under the covers. The bedding was incredibly soft, softer than Lady Twice’s, and smelled fresh and clean.

It also smelled a bit like Sir Driemal - saddlesoap and rosewater - which Ren didn’t mind. He tucked the blankets securely around his shoulders to hide his battered body. He intended to stay awake, to rehearse what he would say to Sir Driemal the next morning, to figure out how precisely to ask to be the knight’s manservant - but sleep seized him instantly.

~~~

When Sir Driemal awoke to delicate snores the next morning, he was confused for a brief moment; then he recalled the events of the previous night. Ren had made it. His journey had clearly been difficult - more difficult than it should have been - but he’d made it. Driemal thanked his lucky stars for the dozenth time, and rolled over to look at the man in question.

His breath caught in his throat.

The night before, Ren had been fully bundled under the covers and Driemal had thought nothing of it. Now, the blankets had slipped down, revealing Ren’s bare shoulder and the back of his neck where he lay on his side, facing away from Driemal. Angry dark red bruises, just starting to go green at the edges, spelled out the unmistakable pattern of belt marks on his shoulderblade. Sinister in a different way, brighter fingerprints were splayed across the back of Ren’s neck.

“Ren!” The name left Driemal’s lips before he could think, and as soon as it did he regretted it. He clearly hadn’t been supposed to see this, wasn’t supposed to know, and now Ren would feel forced to explain whatever had happened before he’d even had breakfast. He cursed himself internally as Ren drew in a breath and raised a hand to rub at his eyes for a moment before freezing with awareness; he could feel Driemal looking at him.

“Ren, I, I’m so sorry,” Driemal stammered, “I didn’t mean to see…”

Ren jerked the covers up over his shoulders and rolled to look at Driemal with bright, frightened eyes.

“It was Lady Twice, wasn’t it?” Again, in his barely-awake state, Driemal couldn’t stop himself from talking. “She beat you for us leaving - my god, Ren, this is all my fault!” he sat up in bed, “I should have done more to convince you to come with us. This never should have happened, I never should have let it come this far, Ren, I’m so sorry. I failed you.”

“Don’t say that,” Ren whispered.

“But it’s true, isn’t it?” Driemal said miserably, “You were hurt because of our actions. My actions. Is that why you came here with nothing, too? You fled?”

“That - I - I haven’t been entirely honest with you.” Ren looked away, fervently mumbling, “I shouldn’t have - I shouldn’t be sharing your bed, it’s disgusting, I… Look away.”

Driemal obediently shifted his back towards Ren.

“What are you talking about?”

He heard the blankets rustle and Ren’s bare feet pad across the floor.

“Sir… Where are my clothes?”

“Oh, um, I sent them to be laundered. I’m sorry, I was just -” Ren sobbed, and Driemal’s heart clenched. “Ren?”

“You can look,” Ren’s voice was muffled, “It doesn't matter anymore.”

Slowly, hesitantly, Driemal turned to look at Ren. He stood side-on to Driemal, his hands pressed to his face. The knight stifled a gasp when he registered Ren’s legs. His knees were scraped to hell, and red handprints marred his thighs. It was obvious evidence of a brutal and sustained assault.

“Ren, what…?”

“There were bandits on the road,” Ren rushed out his words, thick with tears, “And I thought they would let me keep my things if I serviced them, but they tricked me, and I shouldn’t have - I shouldn’t have slept in your bed after that, that was a horrible thing to do to you, sir, I just need my clothes back and then I can leave!”

Silence stretched out as Driemal processed this.

“Ren,” he said softly, and Ren’s shoulder’s tensed, “Ren, I don’t want you to leave.”

Ren shook his head, his hands still glued to his face.

“Ren,” Driemal started to get out of bed, “Please-”

Ren shrank away a step in reaction to Driemal’s movement. “Please don’t hit me!” he gasped into his palms.

Driemal stared, open-mouthed, his words trapped under his tongue. He was spared having to come up with an immediate response by a knock on the door.

“Laundry!” called a voice from beyond.

Driemal stood and moved slowly to the entry, his eyes trained on Ren. Ren stood completely frozen, still hiding his face. Driemal opened the door, blocking the employee’s view of Ren with his body, and received the bag of laundry with a quick thanks before quietly clicking the door closed. He dumped the contents of the bag onto the bed, and sorted out Ren’s things from his. Scooping them into a bundle, he approached the paralyzed manservant.

“Ren. Look at me, please?” he gently requested. Ren complied, lowering shaky hands and raising his gaze to meet Driemal’s. Ren’s face was red with suppressed tears, and his eyes were wide and his lips pursed with fear. Driemal took a breath.

“Here’s what’s going to happen,” he said, willing his rough voice to be soothing, “I’ll go get dressed in Sir Cassius’ room while you get dressed here. Then we’ll all go to breakfast, together. Then you and I will go to a tailor and order you a new wardrobe. We’ll all stay here, in Faville, until it is ready, which will give you some time to recover. Then we’ll ride on, together, to… wherever Lady Richard decides we’re needed. Oh yes, and I’ll be buying you a horse.”

Ren gazed up at him for a long moment, and Driemal was struck with the urge to touch him, to rest a hand on his chest or his cheek, to offer some small comfort. He shifted the clothes in his arms and one hand twitched upward, but it was stalled by Ren nodding.

“Yes, sir,” the manservant whispered, carefully taking the bundle of clothes from the knight and casting his eyes respectfully downwards, “Thank you, sir.”

Driemal wanted Ren to feel safe with him. He wanted Ren to feel comfortable. But, he suddenly realized, that would take a while. He nodded brusquely, busied his overeager hands with gathering his own clothes, and made his exit.

He could wait.

[rumandsprite]

I've binged this beautiful mess for several days and, by god, does it deliver! !!!SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Let me try going chronologically:

Zack!Cloud is absolutely adorable and shows very good acting because you can hear the difference from Zack's dialogue from Cloud's reaction when learning it's Nibelheim where they are heading to.

Definitely see those SephirothxZack fics going on rise after unsettlingly sweet expressions on Sephiroth during Nibelheim. Also those subtle changes on his face in that iconic town in flames scene, just wow.

Rufus's parade was one of the highlights, but some new guy Glenn shenaningans were there like "hello, if you'd like to know more about this subplot please consider buying some spinoff mobile game you've never heard of", because even in the end all I got from this was - Glenn is a) some dude in Wutai working for a man we never saw and who might not even exist, b) has some bitter history with Rufus and c) also is a Sephiroth clone.

Speaking of Rufus, eng voice actor is on point. He is the english equivalent of japanese voice actor who unfortunately seems to have been affected by illness. I'm very sad about that. But good job, eng va and his casting director!

While I'm on this topic, Reno's orignal va loss also saddens me. New jp va is a bit too nasal for me, and there's no Quinton Flynn to soften the blow.

Morikawa Toshiyuki is perfect as always in his rendition of Sephiroth. His gentle speech to Jenova in Nibelheim reactor is just... You just have to hear it.

Ahem. So, Rufus' offer in Junon really surprised me.

Moving on to Costa Del Sol, was nice to see the reason why Hojo appeared there of all places and, oh dear, they made him so creepy it's astounding. The way he so offhandedly and casually offered those girls to "birth a hero" is something else.

I'll skip Corel immediately to Golden Saucer. It's everything I wanted. It's everything I didn't know I wanted. The entrance introduction is Honey Bee all over again but even more cringe. There are no words for this level of cringe. I felt vindicated for the loss of that Honey Bee's bathtub scene in the Remake, that's how cringe it is. I'm sorry, I can't stop staring at Dio's chest.

Now, Cait Sith deserves its own paragraph. It's the best, the cutest, the coolest Cait Sith ever. This "Aeris-ha~n", awww. Animation and design is top-notch, from Cait's small dance to the ears to the moogle's belly jiggle. Reeve has to be some kind of animatronics genius. Also in eng version it has scottish accent. Know why? Because of this

Also, Ghost Hotel's front desk employee is hilarious. He seems to genuinely love his job, goddamn it.

Poor Rude having to work with Elena, lol. Nice sea-salt ice cream, by the way.

Some sidequests are my type of morbid humour. Check out this:

New Gi lore was interesting. Finally I learned how Black Materia was made. Also made interesting possible insight into Sephiroth, with being unable to join lifestream and all.

Vincent va is so good and in jp version I sometimes can hear Rufus's va past timbre. Also, that drip is sick.

Loveless scene was astounding. I'm talking about animation quality here. Dance moves look so smooth and natural, especially cloth mechanics, just look at Jessie's skirt! I have no idea how many hours they put into these.

New Nibelheim also makes more sense than in original. No more "wdym, nothing happened here". Also, Cloud remembered Zack but his mind makes up some things.

It's nice to see Cloud's gradual descent into madness, especially with Roche becoming that. (Why SC tattoo though. I know it's probably Sephiroth Cells, but I just can't unsee SephirothxCloud, lmao). Cloud chasing Aerith for black materia sent chills down my spine.

As did Sephiroth's hysterical laugh when his sword broke but Aerith still died. Yeah, sorry, dude. This is fixed.

Those AU scenes and some unchanging points are interesting to explore for fics though.

[villanevehaus]

tagged by @thenelse to list 8 shows to get to know me better. thank u mutual Then Else it's always lovely to be tagged by u <3 these aren't in any particular order but here we go

1.sharp objects is the seminal haus tv show, the book even moreso. gillian flynn writes female characters and protagonists in a way that is just gritty and gross and as whole characters who make mistakes and have grudges and shitty opinions. as a bitch who used to self harm, used to have substance abuse issues, and used to have a horrendous relationship with returning to my childhood home, i had never seen all of those issues wrapped into one traumatized character before, let alone a woman! the show is shot in a way that deliberately highlights the messy and seemingly nonsensible ways that trauma influences people and all of it is just!!! she just like me fr!!!

2. bojack horseman (stick with me here) is important to me in ways that i really cant articulate in an ask so i will just list things that come to mind about it: cycles of familial abuse and inherited trauma, the clutch that addiction can and does have on people (he just like me fr), complex grief, the way that mental illness and mental anguish do not make sense, people-pleasing as a means of self-destruction, acts that cannot be forgiven being committed by your loved ones and navigating that going forward, committing the unforgivable yourself and needing to find a way to move forward, the consequences of your own actions, grudges, self-preservation, asexuality, being in your 20s and 30s and 40s and 50s and 60s, change as an individual, stagnation as an individual, and the way that watching bojack horseman is impossible to pitch because how do you pitch a show about an alcoholic cartoon horse and his friends princess carolyn, mister peanutbutter, lernernerner dicarpricorn, and bobo the zebra as something that addresses all those previous things i just listed.

3. madmen is so sleek and stylish and well made that every time i think about it too much i end up watching the whole thing again. the way that they capture sunlight and daylight through high-rise buildings also makes me a little insane ngl. the music and the camera movements and the pacing and the costumes are just so consistent! it's perfect background noise and it's perfect deliberate watching. i think for me this falls under the personal because my mum loved it but passed away before the finale so every time i finish it i think about what she might have thought about it.

4. wentworth has some of the most consistent character writing that i have ever come across. i haven't finished it for homosexual reasons (only watched s1-s5) but there are character actions from the pilot that come into play late s5. there are so many instances of a character making a choice that you loathe and can't believe they're making not because they wouldn't, but because that's exactly what they would do in said instance. also, women! fat women trans women ugly women women of colour indigenous women grieving women angry women vicious women soft women alcoholic women gay women bisexual women abused women abusive women elderly women young young young women screaming women vengeful women broken women healing women determined women violent women. the relationships between all sorts of women! mentor and mentee, mother and child, inmate and guard, boss and employee, new girlfriend and old girlfriend, loyalty to the point of ruination, stalking, coercion, use, resentment, rivalry!!! it makes me crazy

5. killing eve s1&2 were so so so special. s3 and s4 had their moments and i will not say more than that but characters like eve and villanelle hadn't been seen before and i doubt will be seen in the future. i also have +500k words of fic written about them so i feel like im contractually obligated to mention it

6. the good place ohhh the good place !!! the good place said how can we fault people who want to be good but were born into circumstances where they cannot be!!! there is always good to be found in trying to help others!!! what matters is if people are trying to be better than they were the previous day!!! how can we hold it against people who are not given kindness and love and support!!! the fact that life ends is what makes living it so beautiful!!! i am going to start crying

7. futurama was there for me in a lot of ways when i didn't have much else that was as stable as that 9:30pm timeslot. there is a lot of negative things/criticisms that i could and often do say about it but there are a few very special moments from a few very special episodes that mean enough to me that i still hold it dearly: the opera. the story that follows fry's brother naming his son after fry and how that son went on to be the first man on mars. when leela has the bee sting and wakes up from her coma and sees that fry has been waiting for her. when fry is given the opportunity to go into his sleeping mother's dream (from a time when she was alive- there's time travel, kind of, it's a whole thing. at this point she's long dead) and says "i have so much to tell you" before just looking at her and pulling her into a bruising hug. as someone who frequently has dreams in which i am able to speak to my deceased mum, that will never fail to make me cry.

8. arrested development sucks so bad but goddamnit if it isn't also the wildest and most absurd shit to exist. i reblogged a post the other day that was about it's impact on culture and it's true!!! "it's one banana Michael, what could it cost? ten dollars?", "dead dove: do not eat", "well, i don't want to blame it on 9/11, but that certainly didn't help", "good for her", "i don't understand the question and i won't respond to it", "oh mercy me, i forgot that were in the colonies!" ALL being from the same show?? insane. the humour of arrested development is absolutely coloured by the time it was made in but holy shit all of it is so sharp and hysterical. also the fact that sometimes if you're trying to explain a joke to someone who hasn't watched it you have to go on an insane tangent that is 100% just the events of the show that happened but it sounds completely nonsensical is [chefs kiss]

tagging @herbeloveve @lesbian-hannibal (ur url has made me realize i forgot nbc hannibal but im already here so NBC hannibal is an honourable 9th choice) @killinganya @killbillieve @horrid-queer @agaywithcoffee @annnnperkins and anyone else who wants to!!

[mortalityplays]

I think you're being a little too generous towards the DE piece- I ended up watching it and like maybe this would be a different conversation if like Kurvitz was heinously criminal or something but all the complaints from employees were like Miyazaki level stuff- which isn't *good* or anything and Kutvitz should be criticized for it, but the video keeps framing it as though maybe Kurvitz shouldn't get the ip back because of it and like even if he was heinous you're still talking a court case with potential to have some pretty wide reaching affects on creator rights and ownership. I think itd be one thing to have a piece letting the workers have a say on their work experience and being caught in middle and like fan harassment etc etc which it partly aims to, but then why is Kurvitz and the estonian money man being interviewed? It actively advertises itself as being a "both sides" piece and as finding "nuance" on "the issues" (and thus is fair to judge on its stated intent) but the "issues" in question is the lawsuit on ip ownership which is imo very clear cut morally- I don't think they neccasarily meant to with a malicous intent but it purposely focuses a lot on Kurvitz character in an attempt to find said "nuance" when its pretty irrelevant to the actual issue and it just makes them patzies for ZU/AM's corporate takeover. I fundamentally refuse to buy into the idea that this is any way about Kurvitz's management when they could of fired him lol and I think the whole piece is tainted by this pig-headed and hopefully ill-fated view. But different reads here I guess and if Kurvitz was just like fired and kept his work this would be a piece I'd be way more into ie collaborative endeavours.

Yeah this is a very reasonable position, I mostly agree. When I talk about the 'editorial' content being wishy washy and kind of stupid, I include things like the marketing of the video and host's framing of the big picture. It's very pathetic and immensely frustrating. Please don't mistake me saying the video is a solid piece of journalism for me remotely endorsing its conclusions.

My sticking point is a practical one: how do you meaningfully report on a story as convoluted, messy and acrimonious as this without exploring each claim and counter-claim in its context? This isn't a 'pet shelter vs. league of racist cat eaters' debate, it's an investigation of factual claims around a series of pending legal actions. I agree that the video uses its material to weave a deeply toothless narrative that serves the studio heads more than the employees they purport to be 'in solidarity' with (lol) but I don't think presenting the material itself is without value. It illustrates the vacuity of studio za/um's claims, which are relevant in a tortured way if kompus wants anyone to believe the team were just fired on merit by total coincidence.

And however we feel about it, a version of the video that didn't address the 'workplace bullying' narrative, or didn't speak to studio employees, would immediately have been attacked on credibility. It sucks shit on a whole second axis because it's similar logic that leads the host to go "this aint it chief!!!" in response to kurvitz refusing to take his bait. This is just the nature of the repulsive accountability performance culture we live in unfortunately.

[idyllic-affections]

HELLO!! YOUR BAIZHU WITH CHRONICALLY ILL READER IS THE BEST THING THAT'S EVERY HAPPENED!!! I've never seen a blog that does only platonic things, and as an aroace person, IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY! I wasn't too sure if you requests were open or not, but I was wondering if you could make either some headcanons or a fic where the reader (from that series) has a flare up or gets sick and Baizhu takes care of them? I'm unfortunately sick right now (just in time for when my final school assignments are due, slay 😍) but found family and hurt/comfort are literally the best thing ever, and, if put together, I'm pretty sure will cure me /j. If you requests aren't open, then please disregard this message!

Anyway, I gotta go sleep before the fever messes up my brain (if it hasn't already); so good bye, and thank you again!!

a slip of the tongue.

summary. how does baizhu care for his junior herbalist when they fall ill?

trigger & content warnings. flu-like sickness, lighthearted mentions of death.

tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. hurt/comfort-ish. baizhu & reader. 1.1k words. they/them pronouns for reader. this post is an expansion of invisible disability? it's rather visible to me & contains vaguely implied spoilers for baizhu's story quest.

author's thoughts. hello lovely!!! thank youu <3 i am slowly collecting people that like this series like how i collect shiny rocks. its great to get a request related to it. i hold this series very dearly, so please (and this goes for everyone reading this!) never be shy to send thoughts about it or requests related to it. anyway, i love catering to aroace folk, you all are so special to me. im on the aro spectrum myself, so i get it. i know from experience that it can be super frustrating looking for fanfic content that's non-romantic. please remember to take care of yourself! i totally understand the feeling of needing to finish final assignments while being sick. me and you are in the exact same boat LMAO... my requests are always open btw! ive no intention of ever closing them. in the end, i went with our poor reader being sick rather than having flare ups, since i already briefly touched on that idea in employee benefits.

how does baizhu care for his junior herbalist when they're sick and out of commission?

baizhu is most often the first to know when they're sick or otherwise unwell. he's so impossibly attentive to their bodily condition, simply because their health is partially his responsibility. he's their teacher. what kind of mentor would neglect to take care of their apprentice? a bad one, that's what kind.

(he also feels somewhat indebted to them—even though they're chronically ill, they're always doing anything they can to help him recover after his "secret art" treatments. even though he's the doctor, they've helped care for him on more than one occasion. he has to return the favor whenever he can. just because he's older doesn't mean he gets to freely take advantage of their kindness.)

if he's not the first to know, he's the second, because the only instance where he wouldn't know first is if they woke up ill at home.

he'll always end up being the second to know, at the very least. someone will inform him of their condition, whether that be a parent or a sibling or another family member. sometimes a friend of theirs may tell him, such as xingqiu, chongyun, hu tao, or xiangling.

in hu tao's case... she may be distrustful of him, but she does tell him when they aren't well. [name] is a childhood friend of hers. she cares about their health and, surprisingly, doesn't want to put them in the ground just yet!

even though she dreads the path they've chosen to walk down... she still cares for them, very much so.

(junior herbalist!reader's lore drop is finally here?!?!?)

regardless of how baizhu finds out, they'll end up being cared for at the pharmacy.

though he could prescribe them medication and let them be taken care of at home...

he often wants to care for them himself.

gui has asked why in the past, and baizhu really has never had a good answer for him.

he's really not sure why he wants to be the one to monitor them. perhaps it's because it gives him a sense of calmness and reassures him that they're recovering well.

after all, if their condition were to rapidly decline for any reason... he could fix it.

(to some others, his concern might seem overprotective. unnecessary. however, something as simple as the flu has been known to take lives. he worries that, because of their chronic illness, they may be more susceptible to a severe case than others are.)

he has the means to save them if something like that were to happen, and undoubtedly, the life of his sweet and kind apprentice is one that deserves to be saved and protected.

perhaps it's also because it seems to put qiqi at ease; baizhu's noticed that she gets fidgety in [name]'s absence during work hours, but when they're ill and being cared for at the pharmacy, she functions very well and often even remembers to check on them herself.

sometimes when they have a fever, qiqi may sit by their side for minutes at a time and just press her little cold hands on their forehead to cool them off. she also ensures that they stay hydrated.

both baizhu and gui find this behavior very endearing. qiqi cares deeply for her big sibling (despite the fact that she's technically older...). her bond with them is something very special and sweet to bear witness to.

bubu pharmacy's work environment is familial and tightly knit by nature, so it isn't too hard to imagine that something would feel wrong if one of the four herbalists were gone for whatever reason. even those who don't work there are affected by the absence of one or more of the pharmacists.

overall, baizhu takes very good care of them when they fall ill.

he monitors them closely, hand-crafts their medicine depending on what they need, makes sure that their fluid intake is maintained...

he dotes on them tbh.

"Ugh..." they groaned, blearily blinking up at their mentor. Baizhu's hand against the feverish skin of their forehead was cold; they couldn't help but lean into the gentle touch. "Bàba?"

He didn't point it out. He hardly even acknowledged their words, as if he were somehow used to it. He only smiled, hand stroking tenderly over their disheveled hair, taming the defiant strands no doubt caused by restless sleep. "So sorry to wake you, dear."

Even Changsheng was quiet—she only hummed thoughtfully from her place around Baizhu's neck. Normally, she'd find something to tease them about (usually because they started it!), but now... she seemed to know that it just wasn't right to tease them in their hazy state of mind.

Gui was quiet, too. He was surprised. He had never heard them address their mentor such an... informal way, let alone with familial terms. He did once briefly think that the dynamic they had with Baizhu was awfully family-like, but...

It was still unexpected.

"Come, now. It's time to take your medicine again, and then you can go back to sleep, okay?"

Gui watched, still silent, as they hummed in absentminded acknowledgement, rubbing their eyes ever so slightly. It didn't seem to help them come to at all; their gaze was still distant and unfocused and they didn't even realize how they addressed the doctor. If they did... they'd probably apologize, embarrassed, but they showed no such emotion. Baizhu gently guided them into a sitting position, rubbing small circles on their back.

Gui handed the cup filled about halfway with herbal medication off to the doctor. Baizhu gingerly guided it to their lips, knowing very well that the guidance was needed; they looked half-asleep sitting up. Archons know they were in no condition to successfully do it themselves. They took the medicine without so much as a whine about its bitterness—they only grimaced slightly after swallowing. Gui supposed that they never really were one to complain about it, even when fully coherent. 'I think it would set a bad example for others if I complained,' they once told him. 'Plus, it's not like Dr. Baizhu gets some kind of sadistic pleasure from giving medication to me, so there's no reason to complain. It's herbal. There's nothing to be done about the taste... I know he doesn't like taking it either. Hehe. It's kind of funny, actually, like we're hiding some kind of company secret. Herbalists who don't like the taste of herbal medicine.'

It was only after he left the room with the doctor that he pointed it out:

"They called you bàba."

"Hm?" Baizhu hummed, turning to Gui. "Oh. Yes... [Name] has done it quite a few times, actually, whether that be because of fever delirium or a slip of the tongue. I don't mind it. It only means that they feel safe enough to be vulnerable here. Qiqi has done it a few times, as well. Those two are only children, so... it is to be expected."

Gui then smiled, nodding. "It's cute."

Baizhu couldn't help but agree, his lips tilting upwards into a little smile himself. "It is."

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot!

[nickerson-insurance-agency]

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[mom-dont-like-it]

"Spring fairy tale"

https://archiveofourown.org/works/41851188/chapters/105014202

It was the same summer day just a few years ago. Running into the building and shaking off the rainwater that had suddenly caught them while walking, Midoriya, with a laugh, spat into the nearest chair. Despite being full, the place was surprisingly free.

- Kacchan, see, and you grumbled! Everything worked out perfectly! - The boy said, smiling incessantly. Bakugou just chucked at it, sitting next to a wet friend.

- I wanted it to be perfect, but it's all rain!

- What will you order? - asked the waiter, smiling affectionately at Izuku. Bakugou didn't like it.

- The worst coffee in your place.

- Excuse me?

- What heard! Bakugou replied sharply, glancing at his interlocutor.

The waiter, who had been looking at Midoriya strangely, had not been in the guy's plans, and he began to get irritated. But that mood changed quite quickly when he felt Izuku's hand on his shoulder.

- Bring him this one, - the boy said apologetically, pointing to something on the menu, addressing the waiter, but not taking his hand away. These touches, with which Midoriya increasingly began to bestow Bakugou, could easily appease him, so he did not even resist this independence.

- And you? I can advise our novelties.

- Bring me some tea, please. I'm not a coffee lover...

After that day, a small diner became the couple's favorite place. The coffee that Midoriya took the risk of ordering was amazing, which even a man like Bakugou appreciated. They came here again on the way, and later started to introduce friends to this place.

A long time passed, but even now, Kirishima offered to gather in this place. However, the warm memories did not bring good. Things got too complicated over time. His favorite coffee didn't make you happy anymore.

- Your tea, - said the newly arrived waiter, placing the cup on the table.

- Thank you, - and no longer paying attention to the employee who had never left, he tossed almost all the sugar-cane into the tea and stirred it with enthusiasm. - So what happened?

- What else do you want? - Bakugou didn't seem to listen to his friend, as he still couldn't take his eyes off the waiter who was still standing next to him. Get out of the way before I hit you.

- Your friend... with dark green hair, he's not coming?

Silence reigned. Realizing how scandalous such words could be, Kirishima hastened to get into the conversation.

- Excuse me, do you want something from him?

- He'd come here a while ago and forget his notebook. I wanted him back.

- So let's get her here, we'll pass her, - the Kirishima said, drawing a smile. He looked at his friend from time to time, making sure he did not run over the poor boy.

- How do I know you won't use it? - he said, raising his eyebrow, burying himself more and more. Kirishima giggled nervously.

- Listen... - There was a guy trying to explain the whole situation, but he didn't have time. Bakugou rose nervously, his eyes destroying the waiter, who was already holding the ill-fated notebook.

- Listen here, dumb! - The voice was quiet and calm at first glance, but Eijirou, who had known his friend for a long time, knew that all this would not end well if he did not intervene.

- You know, Bakugou, my friend... He and Midoriya... That guy you asked about... They're together. So I think nothing bad will happen if he takes this notebook.

- Oh, excuse me... - the boy muttered, visibly upset. Bakugou sprang out, throwing his money for coffee and tea on the table on the way. Kirishima, apologising briefly and grabbing the tattered bookcase, ran after another. On the way, the boy saw a piece of paper that looked out of the notebook, strangely between the pages, and pulled it out. It had the number and name of the most likely waiter written on it.

Bakugou stood on the pavement, his hands on the railing. He looked at the water surface, which occasionally rippled, distorting its reflection. After crumpling up the paper and dropping it into the nearest urn, Kirishima approached a friend.

- So what did you want? - Bakugou's voice was quiet again, but this time it was not from anger.

- Ah... I wanted to propose a birthday party for Midoriya. After all, he's been 20 years old. I wanted to call our whole class.

- No, - said Bakugou, without hesitation.

- What? - a friend asked him uncomprehensibly. - I didn't ask her if we'd like her or not. I wanted you to help us organize.

- I said he wouldn't go.

- Why not? What if he wants it?

- I know better what he wants and what he needs! - Bakugou demanded. Kirishima stopped. He did not expect to hear such words from his friend. All the more so in that tone. - If you try to do something like that, don't you dare talk to me afterwards, understand? I wouldn't even think of picking up the phone after that.

- Sometimes I don't understand you, man!

[an-emovision]

𝓒𝓾𝓭𝓭𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓗𝓮𝓪𝓭𝓬𝓪𝓷𝓷𝓸𝓷𝓼 - 𝓨𝓮𝓵𝓪𝓷

A/N: Lord im so down bad for her someone take my phone from me

Warning(s): a little angst but comfort after ——————•°•✿•°•——————••——————•°•✿•°•—————— ❀- She was working, of course she was. Down in the Chasm like she has been for weeks now ❀- You were frustrated, of course you were. Cooking dinner for the both of you every night, only to eat alone as she once again broke her promise to come home to you that night. ❀- The two of you didn't have the most stable relationship as it was, you knew that. You knew that 'Yelan' probably wasn't her name. You knew that she wasn't really an employee at the ministry of civil affairs. You knew everything about her was a lie. ❀- But she had always assured you that one thing was true. It was true that she loved you. ❀- It was true that come hell or high water she was going to be there for you and love you until she couldn't love anymore. ❀- At least that's what she told you ❀- But Yelan was good at lying, her career (whatever it was) was dependent on lies hidden behind pretty words. You knew that. ❀- So when she started to leave earlier in the morning and not come back for days on end, your patience would go with her. ❀- So tonight as you once again climb into your empty bed you sigh, You had grown accustom to sleeping alone again but for some reason tonight you missed her more then usual ❀- It left you staring at the wall as you let your mind race, unable to will yourself to sleep ❀- It was hours later when you heard your bedroom door creak open followed by quiet footsteps and finally the bed dipping ❀- Yelan leaned over your form, pressing a soft kiss to your cheek "Im home" She whispered ❀- She smiled as your eyes opened to look at her, it faded as you didnt look nearly as happy. she sighed already knowing the cause of your slight glare ❀- "Im sorry, there were some things i had to take care of before i came home" She said. You were silent, simply nodding at the excuse before turning away from her ❀- "Pretty thing..please look at me" She said in a hushed voice, gently placing her hand on your arm to turn you on your back. ❀- "Im sorry..look i promise i-" ❀- "You'll be home by dinner tomorrow? You'll be home before i go to bed?" You replied, sounding more defeated then angry which only made Yelans guilt deepen ❀- "I cant keep doing this Yelan. I cant keep waiting for you every night" She opened her mouth to speak but she cut herself off as tears started to fall from your eyes "I cant keep wondering if you just up and left me without a word" ❀- When you had first gotten into a relationship with her she had promised you that you'd never cry, especially not because of her but Yelan had promised you a lot of things that she couldn't keep. ❀- She immediately wrapped her arms around you, scooping you up and into her lap. She whispered soft im sorrys and i love yous as she tried to kiss your tears away ❀-"Im sorry.. im so sorry" Yelan held onto you tightly, feeling as if you would slip away at any moment just because of her poor time management ❀- You wanted to be angry with her, and you were but you were melting into her warmth all over again ❀- "Ill be around more..in fact ill take the day off tomorrow" She said, cupping your cheek to meet your tear filled eyes. she gently wiped them away as they cascaded down your cheeks ❀- "Promise?" You asked, caused Yelan to chuckle. She smiled to you fondly, pressing a kiss to your forehead as your tears dried ❀- "Promise"

——————•°•✿•°•——————••——————•°•✿•°•——————

𝓕𝓮𝓮𝓵 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓻𝓮𝓺𝓾𝓮𝓼𝓽

[cafedanslanuit]

♡   —   pairing: kazutora x reader

♡   —   summary: after a long day at work, you want nothing but to spend a calm night with your boyfriend. however, you have no idea this is the night were all his demons finally get the best of him.

♡   —   tags/warnings: female reader, angst, breakups, hurt feelings everywhere, mention on mental illnesses and nightmares, based on ben platt’s song ‘carefully’, mention of tora’s job in one of the future timelines.

♡   —   a/n: i enjoyed writing kazutora so. damn. much. also, i’m quite proud of this one and the small details i added~ thank you @ofoceansandtombstones​​ for being my lovely beta <3

♡   —  masterlist

And all this time you've had a gentle way of holding me

So could you please release me that way too?

— “carefully” by Ben Platt

“It’s open, come in!”

The first thing Kazutora sees when he opens the door of your apartment is you, kneeling on the kitchen floor and picking up pieces of a broken baking dish. Red sauce has splattered everywhere and his mind betrays him for a second, imagining an accident far worse than what has truly happened. He blinks twice and starts to notice the small details that finally slow down the fast beating of his heart. There are pieces of chicken breasts next to the open oven door and what he thinks are sliced carrots next to your right knee.

You hiss when you pick up a piece of the shattered glass, the sharp end pinching your finger. Kazutora comes back to his senses, widening his eyes as he realizes he’s just been standing there.

“Hey, let me. You’ll cut yourself,” he warns, walking up to you. Grabbing both your hands, he eases you into your feet and then guides you to the living room. “I’ll take care of it,” he promises as he goes back to the kitchen and starts cleaning up the mess.

You let yourself fall on the sofa with a loud thud and let out an exasperated sigh.

“I just had the most awful day,” you whine, taking off your apron and leaving it on the arm of the sofa.  “Work was hell, I got scolded by something that I didn’t do— like always, only this time my boss was all like: ‘You gotta be more careful, we wouldn’t want to lose such a valuable employee’. Like he was going to fire me over someone else’s mistake?!”

Your voice is getting louder by the minute and you take advantage of the fact Kazutora is in another room to keep the volume. You have been waiting the entire day to see him and vent about what a trainwreck you day had been. Just as always, he listens intently, the only noise coming from the kitchen being a soft scraping sound as he picks up everything and throws it to the trash. 

“Then, I went to the store and of course they had run out of basil. Tell me, how does a store that big run out of basil?” you ask. There’s no answer from the kitchen so you continue. “I mean, yeah, I could have gone to another store but my feet were killing me. I’m just not meant to work in heels the entire day,” you sigh tiredly, swinging your feet.

You reposition yourself, now sitting cross-legged on the sofa. Putting your right hand on your left shoulder, you stretch your neck, feeling your sore muscles releasing a bit of tension with a small ‘pop’.

“I ended up preparing something entirely different than I had planned for dinner. I tried to let it go but just as I was going to put it in the oven, it slipped my hands and—”

“I think we should break up.”

Words die in your lips the moment you listen to your boyfriend speak. The silence becomes loud and abrasive as you struggle to understand what was happening. Why was Kazutora breaking up with you with such a small voice? What had triggered him to come to that conclusion? Why had he decided to bring it up now? You turn your head to the kitchen door and watch him slowly make his way towards you, doubtful steps as he takes a seat on the other side of the sofa, avoiding your eyes at all costs.

“What?” you ask, your voice hoarse. His lips form a tight line and you see him swallowing nervously.

“I’m not doing okay— haven’t been for a while. I— it’s been two years since I left prison and I still haven’t— I don’t— I don’t know what I’m doing,” he explains, looking down at his hands.

You nod slowly, trying to comprehend where he’s coming from. Turning your body towards him, you take a deep breath before speaking.

“It’s okay not to know,” you assure him in a soft voice. “Just… take it slow. One day at a time and then I’m sure you’ll—”

“I haven’t been sleeping well,” Kazutora confesses and you notice his voice wavering a little. “I— I keep having nightmares about— about that day and— and also about the motorcycle shop. Those two mix up and…” he takes one of his hands to the side of his head, his fingers grazing his temple. “And I’m hitting Baji in the head. And there’s so much blood— so, so much blood and—”

Leaning forward, you take his hands. They’re shaking and extremely cold and you rub your thumb over his knuckles, trying your best to soothe him.

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe now, Tora, you’re—”

Kazutora pulls his hands away hastily, leaving a tingling sensation on your palms.

“I can’t!” he says as he shakes his head. You spend a moment looking at your empty hands, never before having felt your boyfriend’s rejection. “I feel like I’m drowning and— You know what? I think relationships just aren’t for me,” he shrugs, his hands moving in exaggerated gestures. “That’s why I never cared for dating, never got myself involved in that kind of shit, not until—”

He finally looks at you and, fuck, you wish he didn’t. You’re not sure if you have the strength to deal with such hurtful discourse. You lick your lips and take yet another deep breath, deciding to ignore his hurtful remark.

“I’m… so sorry you’re feeling this way,” you say, slowing down your words, trying your best not to show how hurt you were. This isn’t him, you tell yourself. So no need for that tightness in your throat. “But you have to understand it’s not because of me. It’s because of everything that you’ve gone through and how hard it’s to deal with them. I don’t blame you, it is hard. But this… us,” you gesture to the both of you. “This is a good thing. Despite all the pain and hurt we’ve both been through, we—”

“Please, stop,” he says, raising his hand and pressing his eyelids together. “I can’t be with you anymore. That’s it, that’s all—”

“So you don’t love me anymore?” you counter. You scoff in disbelief, shaking your head. Kazutora’s eyes shoot open and you notice his pupils shaking in fear, like a deer caught in headlights.

“I love you,” he breathes out, and for a moment you see the boy you fell in love with in his amber eyes that are quickly filling with tears. “I do love you but it’s killing me. I feel like I’m dying,” he chokes out. He looks away from you once more and starts tugging at his fingers. “I’m rotting inside and I don’t know what to do to make it better. I just want it to stop. I want it to stop and— I don’t want you around when I’m like this. I want to figure out what the hell is happening and—”

“But if you love me and I love you then why—”

“I’m not happy with you!”

Kazutora widens his eyes, scared by his loud outburst. He parts his lips, silently muttering nonsense as he tries to come up with words that can make it better. You lower your head and he wants to punch himself over it. He doesn’t want to make you cry, not after everything you’ve done for him. Is he really going to be the person that hurt the one that made a home for him in her embrace? Is he going to hurt the only person that was brave enough to pick up the pieces of his shattered soul?

“I’m…” he babbles, in a soft voice. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

You snort. “No, you really did mean it, Tora.”

He can sense the hurt and sadness in your voice, even if now you’re the one that won’t look at him. He watches helplessly as you stand up and walk towards the living room window in complete silence. The apron you took off is still on the couch and the vast memories of all the times he embraced you while you were wearing it quickly fill his mind.

He wishes there was a way he could keep you. But no matter how much he wants to, he knows there really is no other way. He’s thought about this countless times. He has gone to work without getting proper sleep, stared at his blank tv screen for hours on end, trying to come up with a plan where he could keep you. Was staying with the person he loved the most too much to ask?

No matter in how many shades of light or with how much care he handled the memory of you, the only way he could spare you the greatest amount of pain was to leave you— even if he knew he’d end up shattering your heart as well.

Kazutora notices the way your fingers tightly close around the edge of the window, your knuckles turning white. He had come to terms that he’d lose you today, yet he never expected for it to be this way. It doesn’t matter, he tells himself. If hating him would mend your wounds faster, then he’d take it. Anything that would make the heartache he was causing you a little bit lighter. He knew you were the last person on Earth that deserved to go to bed carrying that much pain in her soul.

Looking out the window, you focus on a small girl walking her dog on the street. It’s a brown labrador and by the size of it, it’s barely a puppy. Rather than walk, it jumps on its four legs, his little head looking back at the girl every chance he has as he happily wags his tail. The pet shop Kazutora and Chifuyu work at immediately comes to mind. Would it be like this from now on? Small things eliciting memories of your days together without your consent and leaving a sour taste in your mouth?

You will need to find a new commute, you think, as you had been stopping by the pet shop on your way home for the past year. Is there another bus that you could take? As you try to remember the lines and their respective routes, you’re engulfed by the memory of the first time Kazutora dozed off with his head resting on your shoulder as you rode the bus together. You close your eyes and you can clearly see his peaceful expression and slightly parted lips as he slept, his fingers tightly intertwined with yours. His breathing is slow and his hands are cold and you wish you could go back, even for a minute and place a kiss on top of his head, since you wouldn’t be able to do so from now on.

Where exactly had you failed? You had just been complaining about your day when he dropped the bomb. Did you complain too much? Did you talk too much? Or was it you the one that was too much? You tried your best and supported him as much as you could but as it turns out, it hadn’t been enough. Good intentions were nothing but useless as you were now saying goodbye to the man you had loved the most.

You didn’t realize you were crying until you felt Kazutora’s cold knuckles against your cheek, wiping your tears. You gasp, startled by his touch and take a couple steps back until your back hits the wall. It takes a few seconds for him to bring his hand now, unsure on what to do next.

He looks so scared and small— it fills your heart with frustration. Your whole body is screaming to take a step forward and comfort him, cradle him in your arms like so many times before, assure him he’s safe with you and that he doesn’t have to worry anymore. That, if you can still go home to each other at the end of a bad day, you can take anything life throws at you.

But that’s the thing. You’re not each other’s home anymore. You don’t get to bury your face in his neck and hum happily when his perfume reaches your nose. You don’t get to have him take a nap on your lap as you watch a series or feel his lips ghost against yours seconds before colliding in a kiss.

You hate it. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, crossing his arms in front of his chest and looking down at his feet. “Please, don’t cry.”

“You know what, Kazutora?” you say, wiping your tears with the back of your hand. You taste venom in your words, yet that doesn’t stop you. “If you’re not happy with me, then what are you doing here?”

He flinches at your words. Biting his inner cheek, he nods, still incapable of holding your gaze.

“Yeah, okay,” he mutters. “I’ll go. I really am sorry.”

Kazutora turns on his heel, walking towards the door. Maybe it’s the way you know he’s not coming back this time that makes your desperation afloat. You don’t want him to go and you also know you can’t make him stay. And even if somehow you could find a way to keep him by your side, it would be worthless.

He’s just not happy with you.

“Are you happy somewhere else, though?” you ask, your words leaving your mouth before your head has time to process them. He stumbles on his feet and stops. “Because if you just can’t manage to be happy, then it’s not on me.”

Kazutora doesn’t have to turn for you to know he’s second guessing himself. The next seconds feel like years as he just stands there, mid-way to the front door, thoughts so messy and loud you can almost hear them.

“That doesn’t matter,” he finally says with his back to you. He closes his fists and you see his shoulders rising and falling as he takes a deep breath. “This way you don’t have to deal with... with the mess I am and—”

“Oh, please, I knew what I was getting into when I started dating an ex-convict.”

The weight of your words fall onto you the moment they leave your mouth. You squeeze your eyes shut, muttering a curse. It takes no time for you to walk towards Kazutora, standing between him and the door.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Tora, I didn’t— you know I didn’t mean it that way. Fuck, I’m so sorry,” you whimper, tears flowing free down your cheeks. Your wave your shaky hands, desperate to make your point across. “I just wanted to say I knew things would be difficult but I loved you— I love you and I—”

Kazutora shakes his head, a gentle yet sad smile on his face as he takes your hands in his. He holds them in front of his chest, squeezing them gently as they don’t stop trembling.

“Stop, it’s okay,” he assures you. “That’s what I am.”

“It’s not,” you protest. “I mean— yeah, but you’re more than that. You’re so much more than that. You’re caring, you’re noble— you’re so tender with the animals at your shop. You’re so sweet with me, always checking if I’ve eaten and offering to help me out if I have chores I need to do. You always come pick me up if I’m working late. You— you’re so fucking special to me.”

Kazutora’s lips form a tight line. “I wish I could see that,” he whispers.

“Then just— let me try. Let me try until you can look at yourself the way I do,” you almost beg. You let go of the hold he has on your hands to gently cradle his face. “I’ll do anything, but... don’t patronize me. I’m not a little girl. Whatever life throws at me, I’ve always been able to handle it. No— we’ll handle it. Together. Like it’s always been, you and me, I just— please, I don’t want you to go,” you cry. “We were going to be happy together, you were going to live with me and I’d give you half my drawers and half my closet and half… half everything. Please, don’t go. Don’t go, Tora.”

The sadness in his amber eyes only confirms what you’ve been fearing this whole time. You sob, your thumbs softly stroking his cheeks as you feel the world crumbling around you. This time, he doesn’t stop you, letting you cry as you hold his face, coming to terms with the fact he’s really leaving after all.

Your hands move to his hair, gently threading your fingers across his long, dark locks. Tracing the outline of his face, you push one of the dyed streaks away, only for it to fall back right where it was before. You can’t help the small smile that forms on your lips. He’s so pretty, you think, as the pads of your fingers gently caress his face. Your thumb grazes the space between his bottom lip and his chin and you dream of a world when he’s not saying goodbye, but rather falling asleep under your touch on your shared bed. You never knew loving someone as much as you loved him was possible-- yet the way your heart was crumbling in pieces was evidence of how much your soul was aching by being separated from the person it belonged to.

Sniffling, you rub your cheek against your shoulder to wipe your tears. You swallow before raising another question.

“Is this a… temporary thing? Or for good?” Your voice comes out in a whisper as you place down your hands on his shoulders.

“I don’t know,” he answers. He wants nothing more than to put his arms around your body like so many times before, but he’s aware that it will only make things more difficult. “But I don’t want to keep you waiting in vain. You should move on.”

Kazutora realizes how much he hates the idea as it leaves his lips. The idea of you starting over with someone else rots in his tongue. He doesn’t want you to hold anyone’s face the way you were just holding his. He wants to keep you all to himself, to go to endless visits to the grocery shop, to watch you fall asleep during movie night and then pretend you didn’t, to massage your hands as you tell him about his day.

But you don’t deserve the guck that’s forming inside his mind. He knows it’s only a matter of time before it comes out pouring and reaches you. And he’ll be damned if he lets himself ruin the one good thing he’s had in his life for many years. He promised to himself he wouldn’t let his ill state of mind touch his loved ones. Never again.

He watches you nod and feels his heart shattering, even if everything is going just the way he intended. You rub his shoulders and look into his eyes, a sad smile on the pretty lips he would never get to kiss again.

“Okay,” you sigh. “We’ll end this but… when you leave, never doubt how loved you were. No— how loved you are. I don’t know what is coming for either of us but… I do know a part of my heart will always belong to you, no matter who I hold hands with. I will always love you, Tora.”

Your words are enough to finally break him. Kazutora clutches your body tightly against him as he loudly sobs against your shoulder. You hold him, tears flowing free once again as you try and soothe the man you love, leaving small kisses on the side of his head and whispering soft reassurances that it’s okay. It’s not, you tell yourself. It’s never going to be okay. But it has to be.

Carefully, you move him back to the sofa, helping him sit down while he refuses to let go of his hold on your body. You lean on the back pillows, both your arms cradling him while he whimpers like a small child. Kazutora clutches the fabric of your sweater with desperation, wishing there was a way he could stay with you.

Why does he have to give up the person that had put a smile back on his face? He can’t quite remember a time when his stomach had hurt out of laughter before he ever met you. Or when he’d experienced such peace as the night he stayed at your apartment and got to see your sleeping face first thing in the morning. He’s never loved anyone as much as he loves you and, for all he knows, he may never love like this again. 

But he could never risk tainting you. He would never be able to forgive himself.

Kazutora softly pulls away from your embrace. His eyes are blotchy and red and you’re sure yours look the same or even worse. His nose is red, like it always does when he cries. It’s endearing, you think. Everything about him, from his hair, to his eyes, his hands— you’ve come to love every part of Kazutora. And that’s exactly why it’s so hard to let him go.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he says in a whisper, resting the side of his head on the back pillows of the sofa.

“Like what?” you ask, gently pushing his hair away from his face and behind his ear.

“Like I matter to you. Like I’m making a huge mistake.”

You take a deep breath. Imitating him, you rest your head on the back pillows as well, so you’re both facing each other.

“I don’t— I don’t fully understand what you’re going through,” you admit, your eyes locked on his. “But if you need to… get away, then you should. You’ve been nothing but loving to me. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy, whether it’s with me or not. You deserve to fully experience all the beautiful things life has to offer.”

Silent tears fall from both your cheeks and his.

“I should be thankful I got to love you for this whole year. Because even if it ends this way… God, I loved you so much,” you sniffle, letting out a small laugh. “And I felt so loved. Isn’t that magical in itself? That we got to love each other at the same time?” you wonder with a sad smile.

Kazutora parts his lips, yet the doorbell interrupts him before he can even speak. You look at the front door, your eyebrows furrowing for a moment before you realize who’s probably there.

“Food’s here,” you say, wiping the tears from your face.

“Food?” Kazutora asks, confused.

“Yeah,” you sigh. “Didn’t I tell you? The baking dish broke so I called that restaurant, the one with the burgers we like.”

“Sorry. I wasn’t really listening back then,” he admits with a pang of guilt. He sits up on the couch and turns his head at you. “I’ll leave you to it, then.”

You sit up as well. “I ordered for the two of us. C’mon, stay for dinner. Let’s… remember us this way, okay? Without so many tears and sadness,” you offer, tilting your head towards him. “I even ordered your favourite one.”

Kazutora rubs his face with his sleeve, erasing the trail of the tears he just shed. Looking at you, he nods, drawing a small smile on his lips.

“Okay. I’ll get it.”

He only walks a few steps towards the door before he feels you tugging at the back of his shirt. Turning around, he notices you’re standing right behind him. Your eyes look up to him, biting your bottom lip and not even a ghost of the smile you previously offered him.

“Before that, uh— I want you to know I… I mean it,” you firmly say, taking in all his facial features, loving how they soften every time he looks at you. “I’ll always love you. No matter how many years go by or if I ever stop being in love with you— I’ll still love you.”

“I’ll always love you too,” he replies, taking your hand and squeezing it softly. “I don’t think I could stop even if I wanted to.”

You finally let out a soft chuckle and squeeze his hand back. The doorbell rings again and you walk around Kazutora to get to it. This time, he’s the one that stops you, not letting go of the hold of your hand. Looking back at him, you notice the soft pout in his lips and how they softly tremble, looming more tears.

“It’s okay,” you assure him, and you know you’re saying it to yourself as well. “Who knows, we might get together again someday. Have our own Casablanca moment. We’ll always have the pet shop,” you joke, trying to fight back to tears that threaten to fill your eyes as well.

It’s Kazutora’s turn to chuckle, only this time he does it along with you. You let go of his hand only to hold his face tenderly, a soft smile as you look at the man you love. Standing on your tiptoes, you press your lips against the beauty mark under his right eye. You feel his hands setting on the small of your back and watch his smile widen when you fall back on your heels.

Locking your fingers with him once more, you open the door.