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astoldbyaja · 4 months ago

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The Blossom surrounded by Fire - Ch. 29 (Warrior AU- HBO MAX)

“What the fuck, this boxing match is really because of the Fung Hai?” Chao whispered harshly as we sat in is shop at the table. I nodded.

“Zing is relentless to get me under him again which I don’t understand how he can be obsessed with me. I’m a negress for god’s sake. He should be obsessed with his own kind.” I muttered and Chao sighed heavily.

“Well he’s not the only one. Young Jun is still trying to find some way to get you out from the Long Zii and in with the Hop Wei.” he said. I tilted my head.

“How do you know this?” I asked.

“Ah Sahm told me. He said he’s heard him and Father Jun speaking. You know what’s happening, don’t you? You’re something everyone wants.” he said. I winced with disbelief.

“What!” I asked. He nodded.

“Think about it... back in Tennessee you were lusted after, you now have your ears altered, which make you even more of a dazzling treasure people want to possess. You speak multiple languages, you have good medical skills, and you’re great in bed. You’re a unique colored woman in our world, and many want to possess that just for the sake of possessing you.” He said. I waved him off.

“Oh, I don’t believe you.” I said. Now he leaned forward to me.

“Remember when we first met at the station? Remember that moment I was staring at you for what seemed like eternity?” he asked. I wouldn’t forget.

I was alone walking through Chinatown. I was afraid, wandering about trying to figure out what I was to do. I was a dog without a master it felt. Some guy was trying to steal the bag I had, I remember hitting at him while trying to keep my cloak on to cover my ears. Another voice yelled, cutting through the tension and the robber pushed me down and ran off.

Luckily, I still kept my bag. The man was speaking Cantonese, a language I was familiar with.

“Are you alright?” he asked. I was still looking at the ground when I felt a hand touch my forearm. I groaned recoiling from his hold. “Woah woah, I’m not going to hurt you.”

Slowly, I turned to look at the stranger, not even noticing my hood had fallen off my head. It was another Chinese resident, with a queue hairstyle, and in a nice suit like a white man.

Now he leaned back completely in a daze as he looked at either side of my head. We both looked each other over and I winced wondering what it was he would do.

“You speak English?” he asked. I nodded.

“I know many languages.” I said softly in Cantonese. He looked stunned now as he just looked all over my face.

“What are you doing here in Chinatown?” he asked. I looked around now unsure of what to say.

“I’m lost.” I replied. He looked me over some before looking around himself. He then held his hand up to me and I cautiously took it. Helping me to my feet, his eyes just stared at me for the longest time. I knew what he was looking at and I finally covered my head again.

“Would you like me to help you?” he asked. I looked at him with cautious eyes and he held his hands up. “Don’t worry, I’m a good guy.”

I wasn’t even sure I should believe him, but I needed to get off the street, I was starving and tired. So, I nodded, and he motioned for me to follow him.

“I thought you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.” Chao admitted as he was leaned back in his chair rubbing his mustache in thought. “Every time you let me take you, I thanked God for allowing me to feel such pleasure- such ecstasy.”

I stared at him for the longest moment. It explained all the times he put in so much effort to please me. In the beginning he didn’t seem to show such interest until some nights the small glances and touches came to ahead and we started to take our needs from the other.

“But then why did you try so hard to keep me at a distance, calling me your associate or business partner?” I asked.

“Because if I said it out loud then maybe it would be true. You’d believe it and we could keep things professional. I couldn’t have you as my lover- I couldn’t do that to you. I didn’t want you to feel you had to do things for me if you didn’t want to.” he said. I winced and leaned over the table placing my hand atop of his.

“Every time I lied with you, I wanted to. I enjoyed lying with you and you never took advantage of me or held your kindness over my head. You’re right I couldn’t be your lover, but I would at least hope after everything we have been through you would at least have thought of me as your friend.” I said. Chao didn’t hesitate to take my hand in his.

“Always.” he replied softly. I smiled warmly at him before he let out a gentle sigh. “Are you going to stay with the Long Zii?”

I leaned back some and nodded.

“I have to. I gave my loyalty to them. I will need to learn to navigate through the tongs doing what is needed to keep the peace and ensuring Long Zii gets what it wants in the end. Trouble will follow, but I’ll do what I have to get out of it.” I explained. He nodded.

“You’ve got me if you ever need anything.” he said. I thought about his words before nodding.

“I will need more medicine- the usual ingredients. But also, some ingredients to end pregnancies.” I replied. He winced.

“If you can bring me a list I’ll get it for you. If you can’t wait on the pregnancy ending ingredients go to Ah Toy. That flower shop she had you escorted to has some items you need. The owner will give it to you if Ah Toy vouches for you. I'll have your other supplies by the end of the weak.” he said standing up now. I followed his action as he moved to get his hat. We moved outside and he looked at me with hopeful eyes.

“Would you like to come with me to the docks? It’ll be time to scout some new onions today?” he said. I shook my head lightly. Picking up onions meant bringing them to Hop Wei territory.

“It’s probably best I stay away from onions and Hop Wei. It will not be a good look to have a Long Zii doctor hanging around their territory.” I replied. He nodded.

“True and if Bolo doesn’t try to jump you then Young Jun most definitely will.” he said. I winced thinking of Bolo and our last encounter. I hoped his injuries were healing. Hell as this point, I hoped Zing’s injuries were healing so he doesn’t try and find me.

“Good thing I can take them, and I don’t mean in a fight.” I said with a smirk as he looked at me almost stunned. I waved goodbye to him and went on my way. On my walk back to my tong’s territory, I passed familiar faces of Long Zii family members. They smiled and waved at me, and I nodded and waved back. I even saw some men in green scouting the area, walking with the same calm sway as their leader Li Yong. I often wonder how a man like him came to be in a tong at all. Maybe it was off the boat as well.

As the view of my home came into my eyes, I saw a familiar face. It was Li Yong, his hand holding his other hand with what looked like a large cloth. He looked over at me with a warm smile, but my look was filled with concern.

“Li Yong, what’s wrong?” I asked taking his hands to try and look at the obvious wound he had.

“I’m alright, Amaka, I just cut my hand is all.” he said letting me peak in.

“Cut, Jesus, that is a gash. Hurry inside.” I said pulling him into the house and guiding him to my living room. Once he sat on the couch, he watched me almost amused as I had gone into the other room to grab some supplies. I sat down beside him and slowly took his hand. “How did you cut yourself? Were you in a fight?”

He shook his head.

“I was doing some housework and while putting my tools away I cut myself.” he said. Vague, but I guess that wasn’t really my business. I removed the cloth and saw the red. I winced and got to work cleaning his wound first with some clean linens I had soaked.

“I never thought you to be reckless. You seem to always do things with purpose.” I replied gently patting at his wound.

“I am human, Amaka even I get hurt sometimes.” he reminded watching me and then his hand. I nodded.

“Of course.” I replied. “You will need stitches.” He nodded.

“I understand.” he replied. I got my stitching kit ready, noticing he was just staring at my face the entire time. I turned back to him and scooted closer on the couch, so our knees were pushed into one another. His eyes flexed at this, and I placed his hand over my lap so I could see it clearly. It was clean enough and so I started to pierce the needle through his skin watching closely to ensure the wound closed with each stitch.

“So, you were doing housework. Don’t you have a wife to help?” I asked merely trying to take his attention off his hand. That just made him stare at me.

“No. Keeping this tong safe has been a priority that I have never had time for a family.” he said. I nodded slowly.

“Is that what you want?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Right now, I want to protect Long Zii and his family. My loyalty is to them. I don’t know if I could give that to a woman.” he said. That’s strange. His men have families. They seem to make time. “What about you? Did you have a husband back where you come from? Kids?”

I kept my focus on his hand watching as his hand shook just a bit in pain from the needly. With my free hand that held his hand, I used my thumb to gently rub the side of his hand to give him comfort before continuing.

“After my master had enough slaves that survived his mutilations, he aimed to take us all over the states to show us off, to show how my people can take any pain thrown at us. He met a businessman who said he worked for the meat company who had slaves and he was hoping to breed us. Supposedly I with a few others were chosen to be bred.” I replied lowly. His eyes watched me a deepness I had never seen before. “My master took us to San Jose, so he could take a look at these slaves that he was going to purchase. He had made it very clear he would never sell his experiments. The slave I was meant to be with would be my husband. Our carriage was attacked by robbers. They killed my master and in the shooting with his workers, I fled. This was as close as I had ever gotten to being married off.”

My voice was low, steady and calm as I was now putting some soothing ointment on his stitched hand to stop any infection. I looked at him seeing nothing but a darkness I had never seen before.

“Li Yong?” I asked worried.

His eyes cleared and he looked at me.

“I’m sorry you had to endure that Amaka.” he said, and I shook my head now leaning over to pick up the medical wrap.

“It’s alright. I’m free now. That’s what really matters now.” I replied with a weak smile before moving to look at his hand and wrap. I then feel a gentle pressure against my ear, and I pause feeling my body start to tingle from the sensitivity. His thumb rubs the top slowly as if to provide some type of comfort. I closed my eyes for a second while I continued to securely wrap his hand. I noticed his body was edging closer to me and once his bandaged hand finally raised up a bit to just rest on my hands as if to stop all attention to his hand. I finally looked up at him our light gazes matching the other.

“Sensitive?” he asked, and I gave a curt nod. He applied pressure just like Bolo had back at the brothel. My stomach formed knots.

“Ahh,” I moaned out. “You shouldn’t do that.”

“Do you want me to stop?” he asked lowly, now moving even closer. I couldn’t give in to this small ounce of desire that was growing with each gentle stroke of his hand. I finally looked away, my ear moving from his caress.

“If your plan is to just use me then say it. I’d rather you tell the truth, so we both know what this is.” I said with a weakened tone feeling his body moving atop of mine, his lips pressing into the side of my neck.

“You want the truth?” he asked. I groaned some and peaked at him.

“Of course.” I said with a shudder.

“I have been attracted to you for a very long time since before you became a member of the Long Zii. I have seen you walking about helping those who cannot afford to help themselves. You have a good heart, a strong heart that only the world around would see destroyed because it’s not in the heart of a body they deem superior. The more you are around me, the more I find it difficult to control this primal urge- this desire to have you. I hide it well, but with you so close, my will power is crumbling Amaka. I have thoughts of being inside you, thrusting away into you until I repeatedly empty myself inside your womb.” He said huskily. Oh my god, my body was trembling yet again, that small flame inside me was just doused in gasoline.

“I have had thoughts of killing any and every man who has ever put their hands on you in the past and in the future.” he said gutturally. Woah! I feel his wrapped hand come up to caress the other side of my neck. Before I knew it I feel his lips crashing into mine and I couldn’t stop the moan that escaped me.

“I want Zing dead… I want that Hop Wei hatchet man dead. I want all of your enemies dead.” he said into my now panting mouth. Finally, his tongue dashes in to meet my own. Our tongues swirl around each other, and I now feel an urge inside me. I want to keep control of this situation to see if Li Yong truly feel this way.

He tore his lips from mine panting raggedly against my lips as his forehead was against mine, his hands now gently massaging my face.

“That’s the truth, Amaka, that’s the only truth I know.” he said with a pant, eyes gazing into what feels like my soul. I wanted to explore that truth further. I pulled him to me and kissed him of which he responded quite easily to.

He leaned back and pulled me with him, so our lips remained connected until I was now sitting on his lap. Our mouths devoured the other and I felt completely consumed by fire, and I would accept it if it meant I would truly have someone who wanted me for more than just my body.

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say-ulalalala · 1 year ago

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Warrior | Mai Ling - Happy Memories (character study)

Rating: G (light angst) (this wasn't supposed to have angst don't ask me why it does contain that)

Word count: 534

Summary: As Mai Ling cleans out her room, she comes across a chest with various objects - particularly, objects from when she was little.

A songfic inspired by the song "행복 (Happiness)" by girl group Red Velvet

A/N: i've had this idea back in june when i got into red velvet more but i only got to write this about two(??) weeks ago and finished this just earlier today; i'm really proud of how this turned out!

While cleaning out her room, Mai Ling opens up a chest with an array of objects. She rummages through the items, looking for things to keep and things to throw away.

She then picks up a rag doll with black hair styled into a plait. The doll also had a bright red bow on its head, and it wore a dress with the same color as the ribbon. The woman also noticed a minor tear on its arm, but aside from that, it remained in fairly good condition. As she studies the doll, a wave of memories wash over her. Particularly, memories from her younger years.

It wasn’t just any rag doll, it was a gift to her from her grandmother, before she passed away when she was only three years old and Ah Sahm was just a baby. Mai Ling smiles as she recalls the happy memories she had when she was just a little girl, as she goes through more items in the chest.

She then finds a small journal with a leather cover and a golden buckle. The woman picks it up, as she unfastens the buckle and opens the notebook. As she flips through the pages, she realizes that this was her diary from when she was younger.

I’m feeling a bit down today, but I will just make a beautiful smile and let it go! I know great things will happen if I focus on things that will make my feelings go up :) Want me to share my secret to happiness?

Mai Ling smiled as she read the journal entry. “Wow, little me was so optimistic.” She thought to herself, as she turned the pages to read more.

In the morning, I wake up and tell my mom that I love her and she says I’m a sweet daughter! :) The happy feelings that follow me are so cute!

I’m a little different from the others, I just do what I want to do! Because if you just worry and become an adult, you’ll have regrets. I promise this journal will be filled with lots of adventures to find happiness!

I feel bad for the grown-ups who only chase after money and power; they’re truly unhappy :( The world is filled with so many great things! Why only worry about those, right?

A tear escaped the woman’s eye as she read the entry. Her younger self was right; she then began to study herself and her thirst for power. As soon as she got a taste of it, she wanted more of it.

Another tear escaped her eye, followed by another, before she wiped them with her hand and closed the notebook. Mai Ling then goes back to scavenging through the items she had in her box, before she found a small music box. As she opens it, a familiar tune begins to play.

The woman instantly recognizes the melody as the lullaby her mother used to sing to her when she was little. The music stops abruptly, as the music box closes. She smiles, as she recalls more memories she had when she was younger, before she lets out a heavy sigh.

If only things are still the same now.

#warrior fic #character study #my fics #Spotify

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legends-of-apex · 3 years ago

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Late Night Talks

Ah Sahm x Reader

Part II

Rating: M (sex references, sexual tension, mentions of Ah Toy’s brothel, a customer being a creep, language, mentions of alcohol, violence)

Word count: 1,650

Summary: You work as a bartender at Ah Toy’s brothel. Whilst Young Jun is upstairs getting sticky, Ah Sahm likes to come over and talk to you. Featuring sexual tension and shitty customers.

Ah Toy’s place had been busy that night. Ordinary citizens and Tong members alike streamed through those double doors all night.

It was loud. Nothing but a flurry of faces for hours. Now things were finally calming down.

You stood cleaning glasses, your back leaning against the far off counter as Ah Sahm approached the bar. He had a single cut above his eye, you’d noticed the third time he came over to speak to you that night.

He hadn’t even been there that long and you’d caught him stealing a half dozen glances from you across the room too. Not that you weren’t also looking at him when you thought no one would notice because you most certainly were.

“Long night?” He asked, resting his elbows on the wooden countertop and looking over at you as you worked.

“Aren’t they all?” You smiled, he did too as you looked around briefly before sneaking him a drink on the house. Your fingers touched his ever so briefly as you passed the glass towards him, sliding it along the ageing wood, “Where’s your friend off to?”

“Young Jun? Upstairs, as always,” He replied, taking a sip of his drink after thanking you for it.

He usually waited until Young Jun disappeared with a girl or two before making his way over to you. It was quieter by then so you actually had time to speak with him. He loved speaking with you and judging from the way your eyes lit up when he came over, he was willing to bet you thoroughly enjoyed these late night conversations too.

“Of course. But how come I never see you climbing those steps?” You asked, nodding your head towards the stairs that wound up into the upper level of the building.

Whilst it wasn’t really any of your business, you had to admit you were curious as to why he always instead chose to come speak to you.

“It’s not really my thing. Paying someone to pretend to want you? It’ll never beat the real thing so I don’t really see the point…” he trailed off, looking up at you briefly before shifting his stance a little, “But I could ask you the same thing. You and Ah Toy are the only two women in this building who don’t take men to bed for money, so I’m wondering why.”

He’d been meaning to ask you that for a while, yet hadn’t until now for fear of overstepping. But he’d been coming here and talking to you every night whilst Young Jun got sticky for the past six weeks or so.

You’d gotten to know each other well enough to ask such things by now.

“Maybe I’m just that good at pouring drinks?” You laughed, “No, Ah Toy keeps the place running and I protect the girls as well as pouring shitty booze. Can’t keep my eyes on the girls on the floor if I’m not on it now can I?”

“No, I guess not.”

He hoped that his eyes hadn't betrayed how much he admired you for looking out for the girls like that. They had, of course. His eyes held such an air of endearment at that moment that you could have gotten lost in them had you not needed to tear away your gaze and continue on tidying up the bar.

“You look itchy tonight, more so than usual,” you observed, feeling emboldened by the newfound depth of your conversations, “The question is, are you itchy to fuck or itchy to fight?”

You’d noticed the slight sharpness in his movements tonight, the way his eyes darted rather than slowly raked as they usually did. He was on edge. It was strange to see him like that given how smooth his usual demeanour was, even under pressure.

“I haven't decided yet,” He smiled, stubbing out his cigarette in a nearby ashtray, “I was actually kinda hoping you might help make that decision for me.”

He hoped his words hadn’t come off as disrespectful and if they did, you didn’t seem to care.

“Oh? Well, you stick around here long enough and you might just get that chance.”

You weren’t sure where such a rush of boldness had come from, only that you were thankful that it finally surfaced. Ah Sahm was handsome but more importantly he was kind, he listened to you with an open mind and understanding eyes. Just as you did for him.

“Now which option are we talking?” He asked.

“I haven’t decided yet,” you repeated his own words back to him in a hushed tone, mere inches from his ear. And the sound made him shudder.

Fuck, he decided. He was definitely itchy to fuck.

You’d always done something to him, something he couldn't quite place. But you were sweet and nice to talk to and he didn’t want to do anything to jeopardise the little late night talks you two had.

But after that? After confirmation that you wanted him? He was ready to risk it all.

Another man approached the bar and you reluctantly stepped away from Ah Sahm to serve him.

“Whiskey. On the rocks,” he spoke before you could even ask, “I’ll take a heaping handful of your ass with that too.”

“Sorry,” you slammed his drink down in front of him, “I’m not for sale.”

“Are you sure about that? I won’t take but a few moments of your time. I just want the use of your pretty little mouth is all.”

You gritted your teeth, eyes briefly looking over to Ah Sahm who, unbeknownst to the man, was glaring at him with the sheer coarseness of a thousand daggers.

“No, you should be going,” you told the man in final warning, seeing Ah Sahm’s fingers twitch in the corner of your eye and knowing what usually came after that, “We’re closing soon anyways so I doubt any of the girls are free.”

You took hold of the small knife you used to cut slices of lime for drinks and grasped it between your fingers in case the man lunged for you. Not that he would ever get the chance to with Ah Sahm there, watching his every move like a hawk. A very pissed off hawk.

“I’ll pay you good, more than you’re worth.”

Ah Sahm had the man’s head whacked squarely against the bar before he could even register the fact that he’d slammed down his glass. You heard an almighty crack originating from the man’s nose and blood began to pool there as he was dragged back up by his hair to meet your eye level.

“Apologise,” Ah Sahm ordered, “now.”

His voice was alarmingly calm as it always was when he was angry. It held a deep tone of understated danger and it always made your poor stomach flutter.

“S-sorry! Sorry, ma’am!”

The man’s eyes scrunched closed in pain, his hair gripped tightly at the root.

“Learn to take ‘no’ for a fucking answer,” he seethed, letting go of the man’s hair. His face hit the bar again as he fell before scurrying straight for the double doors and out into the night.

Ah Sahm cleared his throat before picking up his drink and leaning back down precisely where he had been. Ignoring the stares of the few remaining patrons about the main floor. He knew damn well that you could’ve taken care of the man yourself but with him there? You didn’t have to so he was glad to offer a helping hand.

You bit your lip as you dabbed the few drops of the man’s blood from the countertop, biting back a smile. It was easy to forget the power he hid within his seemingly slender frame as it only ever became apparent when he meant it to be.

“Not that that was much of a fight,” you began, trying to shove down the butterflies in your stomach, “But are you still itchy after that?”

“That I am. Just not for a fight,” he made eye contact with you as he finished off his drink before standing and straightening his jacket, “Thanks for the drink. You have a nice night.”

You debated whether or not to make your move then before deciding that you didn’t really have anything to lose.

“Ah Sahm?” You called out and he stopped dead in his tracks, turning back to face you, head cocked in question, “I might be able to help you with the other option…the bar closes in ten minutes if you wanna stick around?”

He stuffed his hands in his trouser pockets and looked at you almost sheepishly. His cheeks reddened slightly. He knew exactly what you meant and part of him was almost annoyed with himself for not having the guts to suggest the same thing to you himself.

He took a single confident step back towards you but Young Jun descending the staircase caught his attention before he could accept your offer.

“I would love to…right now I gotta go. I’m sorry. You here tomorrow?” he looked from your eyes to your lips as you’d often caught him doing during your late night talks. You nodded in reply, “Then I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The smile he sent you could’ve parted clouds.

And he took a step in the opposite direction before turning right back around and very delicately placing his hand on yours, looking to you for permission to lift it. When he did, he brought your knuckles to his lips as softly as a summer’s breeze.

“Be safe,” he told you, setting your hand back down atop the counter.

“You too,” you replied after a long moment, too stunned to even register his words until long after he’d said them.

Part II

Tagging: @icy-spicy @noobsaibots

#ah sahm x reader #ah sahm #warrior hbo max #warrior cinemax #fic #suggestive #my writing #late night talks series

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lightinalexandria · 3 years ago

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Language Turning Point- August 5, 2021 اغسطس ٥

How many languages do I need to study before it sinks in that language learning progress is more like a staircase than a ramp? Apparently more than this one. I can’t pinpoint exactly when, but sometime around the week I came back from Eid break end of July, a couple things finally started suddenly to click. I count four big changes.

One was my confidence to just engage in any conversation in the first place, expecting a positive outcome. I’m not even sure that I’ve gotten any better at understanding the actual words most people are saying when we strike up a conversation on the street. At least these past few weeks, though, I find myself floating along with the jolly grace and hazy understanding of a late night conversation at the bar.

The second is my vocabulary. It’s expanding! I made about 200 flash cards over the break, and drilled a fair amount in coffeeshops. I think that helped, and there was always a friendly face around to help me with pronunciation. I don’t know if I can attribute it just to flashcards, though. This new vocab is one level up from conversational, and gets into the heart of the questions I want to ask about the culture. “Development.” “Privacy.” “Depression.” “Colonization.” “Virginity.” “To succeed.”

The third especially feels like a progress marker, because I’ve written so much about the complexity of Arabic verb structures. I still falter on my own conjugations lots, but I’m noticing I can increasingly peel off the beginning and ending sounds of a verb in real time, and unscramble the vowel sounds to get at the root verb. For a relatively simple example, the verb to hear is “sahm-AGH ” سمع in the infinite form. If I hear the sound “ma-sahm-AGH-tsh”, I need to unpack the beginning and end, and any conjugation in the middle. This is using the negative form (the “M” at the beginning and “sh” at the end), and since there is only a conjugated sound towards the end of the verb root (the “T) sound, this verb is conjugated in the past tense, in this case the “I” form of the past tense. So, the one word means “I didn’t hear.” Phew. Thanks brain. The plural forms of gendered nouns continues to dangle out of reach most days (Lord English is so simple with plurals. “Dog. Dogs.” Beautiful), but I’ll take what I can get now.

The last change is the most exciting. I can finally start to engage in the kind of conversations I’m studying Arabic to have. Taxes, housing policy, generational trauma, colorism, sex, gender equality, tourism development. I’ve been having these conversations in English with Egyptian friends since the beginning, but having them in English means I’m talking to a more formally educated, often wealthier, often more progressive young Egyptian. It’s been one of the greatest joys of these past few months to have these conversations with one of my Arabic teachers Ines, a wonderful human with a profoundly conservative worldview. Our first 6 weeks this summer were taken with improving my fluency and talking lots about my past, current and future plans. She is a a truly amazing teacher -I have high standards for my fellow teachers, as many of you know- with the gift of knowing just when to push and when to support and when to wait. Neither of us have any illusions about convincing the other of anything, but there’s an intense curiosity from both sides to understand just how the heck we could view the world so differently, and tremendous mutual respect.

Dept of Obvious Noticings, talking to Ines has made me realize that up until now my Arabic has been almost exclusively small talk, and my big “aha’s” about American and Egyptian culture have come from English or wordless noticings. I haven’t quite put my finger on exactly why yet, but there’s something so incredibly powerful about hearing answers to deep and personal questions in someone’s native language. It’s like the old Claritin commercial where you think the screen is clear but then a thin film of plastic or something is peeled back and everything on screen gets a little brighter. Is it because we have different personalities when we speak different languages? That every word in our native tongue is chosen and spoken effortlessly? That accented non-native English somehow feels less “true”?

I just know that starting these conversations is motivating me to lock down even more vocab and conjugations in this last month. It took a long time to get here, and I want to learn all I can while the settings good.

Language learning triumphs are almost never apparent in the moment, and on the rare occasions they are, it’s more of a dull relief than an endorphin rush. I’m not constantly delighted by my ability to have conversations in languages I already speak, and so when I’m in the moment of understanding a particular conversation in Arabic, it’s suddenly just another conversation that I understand. It feels more like the dumbbell is suddenly off my shoulders than a victory balloon is lifting me off the ground.

The Eid vacation after I came back from Siwa was an emotional low point of the summer. I was out of my usual routine, everyone was out of town or busy, and I was frustrated with both my perceived lack of progress in Arabic and lack of self discipline to study on my own during those days.

Us humans just adapt so darn fast. Homeostasis is a helluva biological mechanism, but it’s not great for emotional victory laps. And I think a small one is warranted. It’s been night and day these last two weeks.

#arabic #language learning

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alwaysabeautifullife · 5 years ago

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If I can ask for a bit of your life experience.. I’m a SAHM of a toddler and currently pregnant with my second. I feel really depressed and lonely. This job is so hard. I dont feel like my own person or even like a regular human being anymore. I’m just scraping by. I’m trying to get a job to get out of the house to help with my depression but it’s not really coming together any time soon. Does it get better? How do I fix this?

Yes it does get better. I work 5 days a week for 16 hours, and the other two days a week 8 hours, and it’s way easier than being a SAHM especially of babies and toddlers.

Even with no history mental health issues, (depression, or pp depression etc), I do believe it’s common that being a STAM can lead to depression as well, or bring forward mental issues that may not have been previously noticed or debilitating. It’s not because being a parent is miserable, but a combo of poor diet, poor sleep, lack of self care (showering, brushing teeth), a combo of total isolation and no privacy, no recreation, rest, nothing but 24/7 mental, physical and emotional work.

Parenting wasn’t really designed to be the way it is now. Most mothers, even with wonderful supportive husbands, are the primary parents, even single parents. Mothers are also no longer part of communities as human beings are supposed to be. We’re supposed to have large families or communities of support, that’s how people are built, that’s how we thrive. That doesn’t exist anymore within our society and that’s something that’s really difficult to rebuild. That’s actually a large part of the reason people are attracted to cults or other dangerous groups, because even a unhealthy harmful and dangerous community is better than isolation.

I know it’s not helpful to say “get out and meet people, make friends, form a group or community,” because navigating the politics of new friends and communities takes energy that mothers of young children don’t have. We lost a lot in giving birth and caring for our children, we forget who we are in the meantime and don’t recognize ourselves in the mirror anymore. We don’t know how to go about showering regularly let alone attempting to find clothes that fit our new bodies so we can go out into the community and try to find new “groups” to squeeze ourselves into when we already do so much squeezing.

Women are naturally self-sacrificial. It’s very easy for us to put ourselves last, and while it’s good for short periods of time it’s very unhealthy to do so long term, or permanently.

You have to view your needs, wants, happiness as you view your child’s. You have to be demanding of your own care, your own well-being, and fight for it as you would fight for your child. You know how you’ll be in the middle of something and think “when was the last time my child had a bath?!” Or “is my child eating healthy enough” or “is my child brushing enough or long enough?” You need to do the same thing for yourself. You have to be relentless and fight for your health and wellness the same you would for your child.

Getting a part time job is nice! You’ll have a reason to leave, and you build your own little world with coworkers or friends outside of your house. I enjoy working tbh.

It does it easier, way easier, and some how we even forget a lot of the struggles from when they were really young along with the good things too. I always tell my kids to take one minute, one hour, one day at a time, and know you’re not alone in your suffering, and it doesn’t go unnoticed.

#sahm #parenting

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filloriansunited · 5 years ago

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In our special episode of the show, we wanted to fight the isolation by hearing from the fandom! And we asked you, What did you learn from The Magicians. We will share the letters that we read and discuss on the episode as promised.

——

Season(she her)

I’m probably too late and with all my kids home, it’s hastily written so hang in there with me.

I’m a level 40(yo) woman, married 173 years, kids ranging from 20 down to 9. Before I became a mother to many, I was a vivacious spontaneous boss ass bitch..

when I started my family 20 years ago, I was alone, isolated (not socially-ACTUALLY-there was no internet in every home back then) so I did what my mom did, her mom before her and so on.. I stopped everything that made me ME..

I stopped work and became a SAHM

I gave up my hobbies and replaced them with kindergym, homemade baby food, judgmental playgroups (an in person version of a mommy group on Facebook) school uniforms, diapers, hospitals (one of my kids has a congenital disease and required multiple surgeries and LOTS more hospital stays, and more recently, my husband has dealt with lung cancer for a couple years now)

Over the years I lost myself, forgot how to be me. My entire identity revolves around keeping all these humans alive healthy and happy,

Then one day, I’m looking for something new to watch, and I find a show I’d seen but hadn’t really noticed before,

“The Magicians- A graduate student hones his magical abilities and crusades to protect humanity from disaster”

meh whatever I’m bored, I’ll give it a go..

The first thing that grabbed me was Rick Worthys shoes..

This shows gonna have visual texture

Within 5 minutes I had an emotion connection with Quintin Coldwater, weird, awkward, anxious, surrounded by people but lonely af..

Then, I met THE most amazing people, and the more I watched, the more I felt this show was written for ME, each and every character, is an aspect of my personality, Kady is the young rebel I used to be, the girl I was when I chained myself to a 1000 year old tree to prevent it being cut down for a giant concrete pole to support a chairlift. Margo made me brave, she made it okay for me to have a complicated emotion without having to resolve it for the comfort of those around me, Eliot is my sexual fluidity, my secret majestic self, Josh is my fat stoner self🤣 Penny is is my hard candy coating protecting my gooey center, Fen is the friend/mom I’ve always hoped to be, supportive, positive, a cheerleader, Alice is my obsessive side, the way she is so singularly focused, determined to get her goal no matter what it destroys, Julia and I have been thru some shit man, she showed me I should have let my friends in.

And then, I met the fans, and I can’t even explain how it felt, (I live in the boonies, people here have never heard of the show n have no idea what a fandom is) I FOUND MY PEOPLE like holy shit dude.. these people are just like me, they spend their entire Wednesday’s prepping for the new episode, JUST LIKE ME, they love the characters CRAZY HARD just like me, they’re totally in love with the cast members JUST LIKE ME, for the first time in forever, I felt comfortable completely fangirling (remember, I’m not 20 anymore) my hedgewitch tattoos ARE COOL not weird,

So at the age of 40, this show has given me back the woman I used to be, made me realize that, I’m not OLD, just been on hold, now I gotta ovary up and change some shit, I gotta find my quest.

#The Magicians #what did I learn

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crownprincesses · 5 years ago

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I am older than most of you (30) and I have 3 young children so the thing I notice the most from the quarantine is how much the disparity between privileged and poor will grow. I have a 7 and 5 year old who both are now doing virtual school. Being so young, much of it is on me. Yes, their teachers make videos and send worksheets, but I have to print the worksheets and help them and set up the videos. Kids with lazy parents or parents working long hours will not be home educated as well my kids

Part 2. My kids are lucky to have a sahm, siblings to play with, and a large back yard to run around in. We have a study filled with books in our house. I was thinking of my oldest child’s classmate who is an only child in a small apartment with a single mom. How much harder will the lock down be for him?

Hey, I hope that you and your children are in good health! I don’t have children, but I’m a daughter myself and my mum lives far, far away from us… So we won’t be able to see her until the quarantine is over (it’s been already extended from April 3rd, we have no idea when it will end). Having to help your children with school must be difficult, but, you know, there are mums like mine, or like nurses, doctors, who can’t do this… and they would die to be able to. Just to say that we always have to keep in mind that we all have issues, and everyone is doing his best to help. At least this is something that helps me, to think that we’re all in this together and we have to pull trough in the best way possible.

For you son’s friend, yes, it must be so difficult to be alone, here in Italy we’re using a lot of videocalls (with whatsapp or other apps) to stay in touch, you son and his friends could call him and keep each other’s company! He will still be alone ‘phisically’ but he will see and have a chat with his friends, I’m quite sure this will help.

#ask #answered #anon #anonymous #CoVid19 #personal

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croissantbae · 5 years ago

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December

December has been a great month (so far). Naya finally sleeps in her car seat so we’ve been able to get out more. I am going on 60 minute rides on the Peloton and feeling kick ass (I’m all about the Power Zone now. Need to join the PZP facebook group...embarrassing but it’s who I am now). Naya is also sleep trained so starting from 7 pm, Jason and I are free to do whatever we want (at home. Don’t have the balls to leave the house yet even though my mom is always home. We’ll build up to it in January). I’m baking and cooking. Even though it’s only happened for a total of three times now (chocolate cake, biscotti and egg salad) I have saved a TON of recipes on pinterest and watched several videos on Youtube so I’ve invested a lot of time into this. I go to the Americana every other day to buy presents (usually for others, but too often for myself). Naya is so playful and cute. Her smile seriously kills me. And her giggles! Are you kidding me! I would honestly pay to watch a live show of her giggling. Babies are obviously known to be cute but I just didn’t know it would be this cute. She complains and grunts and is getting needier but I love it. Because she needs me. Grandma and dad just won’t do sometimes. It has to be me (HEHE). It’s sad because Naya doesn’t like Jason when he first comes back from his work trips but after a few days she’s back to normal with him. And then he has to leave again and the cycle happens all over again.

I wonder if January is going to be a stark contrast. I’m guessing I’ll be mired with work. Naya will be mad at me for leaving her at home all day and prefer grandma or the nanny or Maria (our cleaner who will also now be babysitting 2x a week) over me. The Peloton will sit in neglect because I just don’t have time to ride. I’ll be a more careless and frazzled friend/wife/parent/daughter. ? We’ll find out.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself this month, however, is that I feel a little more sensitive to what Jason says/does sometimes. Things that I normally wouldn’t be hurt by, offended by or sensitive to will actually bother me. Being the avoidant person I am I still don’t tell him about it but I try to analyze it on my own. Would these things bother me if I was working and busy myself? I genuinely don’t think they would. One minor example (which will show how truly petty these feelings are) is that Jason got me a Kitchen Aid and we had previously discussed getting the stainless steel silver one but he (accidentally?) ordered a black one. I saw it today and was disappointed. I felt like he wasn’t really paying attention -- just going on auto pilot ordering the first thing that popped up on Amazon when he spends so much time watching UFC and basketball and whatever else. I took a step back, though, because I know FOR A FACT I would not give a shit about this if I was working because, most likely, it would actually be me making the careless error and choosing the wrong thing. I think this is why being a stay at home mom for too long can change a person. They start to nitpick at the people around them and overanalyze things because they don’t have work to distract them and occupy their time. They don’t have coworkers and other adults to interact with as often. (These are my assumptions because I can see it happening to me. Don’t want to over-generalize SAHMs. I really do respect them a lot more now.) So I guess this is one perk of going back to work.

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amysubmits · 6 years ago

Note

When you and CD initially were dating did you pick up on non-sexual dominance from him? If so, what things did you notice?

I didn’t know what non-sexual dominance was at that time. I think I did know that people who “held the whip” or “tied the knots” in BDSM were sometimes called dominant? But I didn’t think of myself as being into BDSM so I wasn’t looking for someone who was into BDSM or who fit the stereotype I had of dominance.

But I now feel like the things I was attracted to in him largely did align with the Dominant he is. He seemed unusually mature for our age. I remember being amazed by his ability to be open and honest with people about what he believed and why, while still respecting them. Pretty early in our relationship, he talked to a female family member about how he thought her husband did not treat her very well, but it was a totally calm and respectful conversation. He was just saying ‘I think you deserve better and I think that him doing X is wrong and you shouldn’t put up with that.’ and that blew me away.

Before we started dating I had already opened up to him about some childhood issues I had experienced and he was really upset (both sad and angry) hearing about how certain people in my life who should have protected me did not..and not by accident but by choice. I felt like he wanted to keep me safe and that was extremely attractive to me. Some of those issues were on-going, I was intimidated by a family member who had mistreated me but I needed to go around this person for the sake of maintaining relationships with others. He went with me to family functions which stopped that person from speaking harshly to me. I find it both unfortunate and fortunate that sometimes shitty men will treat a woman more respectfully if a respectable man is around…but I was thankful he went to things with me, anyway.

He had a job where he wore work boots and that was a turn-on for me in a way, as was his Carhartt coat. I now realize that was me being drawn to traditionally masculine things or TGR. We had a few other signs of TGR inclinations like we split chores in a traditional way from our first apartment and I did most of the cooking when we were together even before we moved in together. We dreamed really early on about me being a SAHM someday. He paid for all of our dates I think…certainly most of them.

He made us a written budget before moving into our first apartment fresh out of high school graduation. I thought it was so nerdy because I didn’t even know any mature adults who kept actual budgets as far as I knew. But it made me feel safe knowing that we weren’t just winging our finances. In a lot of little ways he tried to make decisions that were well thought out instead of being impulsive, and he tried to have a backup plan in case his first tone didn’t go as planned.

He always felt very safe to me in general. I’ve always been hesitant to open up to people but something about him just made me feel very safe. He never made me feel judged or embarrassed…at least not seriously. He likes to embarrass me in playful ways or sexual was but that is different in my view.

When he had problems he used the internet to find answers and tutorials to solve things on his own when possible. Or if he knew a family member had a certain expertise (like a family mechanic or carpenter) he would ask them to show him how they were fixing something so he could learn for the next time.

He is quiet and doesn’t push forward to take leadership positions in any obvious way but he often ends up leading kinda naturally I guess? Like a couple of years ago we helped family members move and they had kids and a two story house so it was a LOT of stuff. Boxes everywhere, but only like ½ o the house as packed. A trailer and a couple of pickup trucks to move things in. Nobody in that family was telling us what to take out to the truck or how to stack things or anything so I kept kinda asking CD what to grab and where to put it seems how nobody else as organizing the whole ordeal. Then after a while I realized two other people there, including the wife of the family (so this was her stuff), were also asking CD where he thought they should stack things in the truck or whether they should take the bed in this trip or the next one and things like that. Just a few months after that we helped CD’s family move and in that case the just said shortly after we arrived, ‘hey can you tell us what you think we should take in each load? I’m not good at making decisions like that.” Or just this summer we went to a BBQ where some people were camping in the yard overnight and there was this massive tent for a big family and they had never put it up before so they were confused and like six of us start trying to help but it’s really messy and it’s kinda awkward as a few people are doing their own things and it’s not collaborative and some of it is just wrong, but then two other people both kinda threw their hands up so CD grabs the instructions and starts explaining what to do and then it went smoother. So I feel like people in our social groups sort of feel like he is good at leading things but I never really noticed it until after we were D/s because it happens subtly and naturally so it didn’t stand out to me until I became more conscious of noticing leaders.

I could tell very early on that he was very serious about being committed/loyal to me, to viewing us as partners against the world. I saw early on how his morality worked and I liked it. Which while I don’t think that in and of itself is Dominant, I think it’s really important to think that your Dominant is a really good person if you are going to let them make decisions for you.

Early on I knew that he believed in me and he tried to gently encourage me to believe in myself more than I did, to take more risks. So he kinda guided me in those ways.

He understood that I was afraid of being outside after dark or alone in public after dark and thought it was reasonable and understandable and stayed with me to make me feel safer.

Within a few months of dating we faced some challenges and he leaned in to make sure we worked through the problem instead of running away or looking away and hoping for the best.

So in hindsight, I feel like there is quite a lot, really. Many of these traits I was conscious of being attracted to at the time but it felt surface-level - he does X and I like that! Not he does X which is Dominant and I like that! From where we stand now, I kinda feel like I was attracted to several elements of his Dominance but I didn’t know what dominance was.

#asks #vanilla to d/s

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astoldbyaja · 4 months ago

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The Blossom surrounded by Fire - Ch. 15 (Warrior AU- HBO MAX)

I had never felt happy to be back in the brothel, even if it’s been only a handful of times. I wasn’t surrounded by friends, but with Chao and Ah Toy here, things felt… safe.

While I sat at the bar with Chao, he filled me in on the newest of things that’s happened since I was taken, and the major news was Ah Sahm being arrested.

“Arrested, for fighting two Irishmen he’s got to be crazy.” I replied and Chao flexed his brows in agreement.

“Yeah well the son of a bitch is the reason all this happened to us. The bulls took my weapons because they wanted me to give them this swordsman who killed two other Irishmen… even if the fucks had it coming.” he said downing his drink. Ah Toy was walking up behind him.

“Oh don’t worry, he’ll be out very soon. Word got out the two Irishmen didn’t show up to court to testify so he’s been released. I’m sure we will see his face very soon.” she said. I looked away with a shake of my head.

“I’m surprised a lynch mob didn’t come for him.” I said lowly.

“It seems God is on his side.” Chao said. I nodded slowly turning toward the front door as a wave of red and black came in and Hop Wei started to mingle with the crowd.

“And speak of the devil now.” Ah Toy said with a smirk. Ah Sahm was entering in with Young Jun. I could tell a drunk celebration was going to come with his return. I could see Bolo standing behind Young Jun with his arms crossed slight amusement in his eyes. I looked at Ah Toy.

“Ah Toy, would it be okay if I head to one of your rooms?” I asked. Chao glanced at me, looking me over and Ah Toy looked at me with a mild flirty stare.

“Of course… should I send someone to your room?” she asked. I gave a polite smile.

“Only if he asks for me.” I replied and the brothel owner nodded. I looked at Chao and smiled and turned and moved toward the stairs. This time I got more stares than before. My new hair cut had definitely left my ears exposed and open to many stares. I ignored them and quickly moved up the stairs. I glanced back down at the group, noticing Bolo was already staring up at me. I gave him a light look before turning to continue up the stairs. Now I was down the familiar hall filled with many rooms. Moans and laughter could be heard in a lot of them.

The doors weren’t locked, but I merely placed my ears to the door if I heard silence, I peaked in. This room was empty. Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see Bolo’s form at the top of the stairs as if finished jogging up then. The room was clean, the bed made, and pillows were everywhere. It wasn’t grand like Ah Toy’s room, but still very nice. I got only five steps inside before the door was opening again.

I turned to Bolo, and he just looked taken back for a moment. He closed the door and approached me with great speed. I wrapped my arms around his neck, our lips crashing into each other’s. His arms locked around my waist, and he lifted me lightly off the ground and giving me a light spin.

It’s been so long since I tasted his lips. They were still soft and dominating all at the same time. When we both needed to breathe, we just pulled back, letting our foreheads press against one another, breathing heavily into the other.

“What happened? What did he do to you?” he questioned heavily, and I shook my head.

“Nothing we need to discuss tonight.” I replied. He winced as he just looked deep into my soul.

“Amaka… I looked for you. When I started to go to Chao’s store asking for you, and he kept giving me bullshit lies, I knew something had happened. I thought maybe you didn’t want to see me or maybe he did something to you. I don’t know. When he finally told me what happened and that the Fung Hai took you, I was seeing red. I was heading toward Fung Hai territory with my hatchet ready to do God knows what.” he explained. I winced at his words as he explained. I wasn’t expecting such raw emotions to poor out of him like this.

The sad part is, the only times Bolo and I were in the area together it was in a room like this having sex.

“You would risk your life for me, a girl you fuck? I didn’t think you cared.” I said. Bolo shook his head, seeming confused.

“I didn’t think I cared either… I mean- I don’t know. All we have ever done is fuck because that’s all we can do. But when I thought you were avoiding me, I felt anger and sadness and betrayal at the thought you may not want to see me.” he said. I could see his eyes hardening some as he looked away as if feeling vulnerable was embarrassing him. He turned his back to me.

“Chao first said you were with Fung Hai, and I thought you decided to pledge loyalty to them- to Zing.” he said with disgust. I noticed his fists were tightening. Tongs members have to be strong always or they end up looking weak. Men have to always be angry and violent even when they’re killing or fucking. “I’ve never paid a second thought to the women I’ve fucked. But you, you’re different. I’m starting to care about you, and I fear that’ll affect me in my tong.” My chest tightened at his words. He finally turned back to me and took my hands.

“I want you to join the Hop Wei, but not for me but because you want to. But after tonight, nothing can happen between us.” he said. I winced at his words but gave a gentle sigh and nod.

“I understand, Bolo. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me.” I replied gently. His face shriveled up just a bit, but he nodded rubbing my knuckles with his fingers. I gave a gentle smile reaching up gently rest my palm to his face. He closed his eyes and leaned into my hold, sadness filling his eyes. “Will you at least be honest with me about something? You were starting to care about me… that means you were starting to like me for more than just sex, right?”

He looked at me as if he were breaking inwardly and out before nodding.

“I was.” he said. I nodded slowly and looked down.

“I was starting to care about you too.” I admitted. “When Zing was hurting me, I thought of you to get me through. I used to think about just being dead when a man was on top of me, but thinking of you brought me great comfort. I am glad to have gotten to know you even if it was during sex.” It seemed that broke him, and before I could do anything else he just turned and hurried from the room. My arms were outstretched still as if missing the hold of his hands already, tears falling without my notice. I sighed softly and slowly sat down on the bed and just looked down at my knees in defeat. So much for having the touch of a man.

I was happy Chao was leaving when I found him. He looked me over.

“Are you satisfied?” he asked. I couldn’t hide the sadness in my eyes, but I nodded.

“Yes.” I replied. He looked my face over some, knowing something had happened, but nodded.

“Amaka!” I hear Ah Toy call from the top of the stairs. We both look up to see her coming down the stairs with something in her arms. “I was hoping to catch you before you leave. Can I ask a favor of you?” Chao and I looked at each other curiously before I turned to her.

“What is it?” I asked, and she held out the brown article of clothing? She then leaned in a bit close making sure no one but us three could hear each other.

“I have a sick associate in the pond who needs some herbs delivered, but with Ah Sahm’s release, I can’t risk going or sending someone out of fear of retaliation due to a Chinese man being free on a murder charge. So I ask if you deliver this black envelope to my associate-”

“Wait a minute Ah Toy, after everything Amaka’s been through you’re going to ask her to go into the pond by herself?” Chao asked, the anger evident in his tone. She rolled her eyes.

“Of course not. Now like I said this envelope goes to my associate and this red envelope goes to Officer Bill O’Hara who has agreed to escort her from the brothel and back tomorrow.” she explained showing me the two envelopes under the cloak?

“Wear this cloak to hide your ears. We all know the Christians get a little crazy if they see something abnormal. We don’t need anyone thinking you’re a witch or a demon.” she said. Chao scoffed.

“And you think Officer O’Hara will have any kind of power to keep her safe?” he asked in a low yet harsh whisper. Many Hop Wei were peppered all around the room. I noticed Young Jun, Ah Sam and Bolo not too far. He looked my way and I immediately looked down. “No, find someone else.” I placed my hand on Chao’s shoulder.

“It’s okay Chao. I’ll go. I need to get back to normal and staying holed up in my room is not going to heal what happened to me.” I replied. Chao winced at me and I could tell he was still heavily against this but he sighed and nodded.

“Fine. Just please be careful.” he begged. I nodded and took the cloak. Ah Toy smiled.

“Thank you, it’ll be quick and easy just stay close to your escort and keep your head down. I will in trust these envelops to you. Get here by ten.” she said. I nodded.

“You can trust me.” I replied. Chao placed his hand on the small of my back.

“We should be off.” he said with distance in his tone. I nodded and gave a light smile to Ah Toy before leaving with Chao. The sun was just starting to go down as we got in the carriage.

“I know you’re upset with me for agreeing-”

“I just think you need to stay to the shop.” he said. I sighed.

“For how long?” I asked.

“My opinion: until you choose a tong. I am to take you to the Hop Wei’s headquarters to talk with Father Jun.” he said. I nodded.

“So then we will start there.” I replied. He crossed his arms.

“I can’t stop you from doing what you want to do, but after just getting you back from the Fung Hai I don’t want to lose you.” he said. I nodded.

“But I cannot live in fear of being taken by them forever. I will talk to Father Jun tomorrow and we will go from there. But until then, I have to keep living. That’s how it always is for my people.” I replied. He winced and nodded.

“I know. Just be mindful of all around you. Don’t give anyone a reason to bother you when out of the watchful eyes of the cop.” he said. I nodded.

“Of course.” I replied. We shared a smile and now he looked at me as if remembering something.

“Something happened with you and Bolo. I can tell.” he said. I tensed and sighed heavily.

“Actually, nothing happened. He decided he doesn’t want to sleep with me anymore.” I replied. His eyes flexed and he nodded slowly.

“Oh. I’m sorry?” he asked. I shook my head.

“It’s okay. If I’m presented with the opportunity to join a tong, I want it to be with a clear mind and not a decision made based on my emotions.” I said. He nodded.

“I understand… well in that case I’m glad. Now he will stop coming by the shop like a lost puppy.” he teased. I looked at him and chuckled.

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad” I replied. He nodded.

“But it was!” he said with his fingers clasped together and making a dramatic begging face. “Can Amaka come out? Why hasn’t she been to the brothel with you! Where is Amaka! Stop bullshitting me and tell me where she is!” I covered my mouth trying to stifle my laugh, but I couldn’t. We shared a laugh before slowly quieting down. Now he looked worried.

“But you know what this means don’t you?” he asked. I looked at him curiously and shook my head.

“No what?” I asked. He looked at me with a wince.

“Young Jun is going to try and fuck you now.” he said.

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haphazardlyparked · 6 years ago

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states and secrets

regret everything part sixteen (part fifteen)

“Well,” Kan says, leaning back in his chair. He waits a little longer before continuing — Noki may have closed the door behind him, but Kan knows he’s lingering just a hair longer than is proper. He wouldn’t be Kan’s brilliant diplomat if he didn’t.

Still. This is important — it’s just him, the Dowager, and Sem. The Dowager even moves from Sem’s desk to one of the vacant chairs in front of Kan’s desk, so that Sem can return from his long-suffering banishment to the corner of the room. When he takes his seat, Kan reaches into one of his draws and activates the newest security protocols, a net of anti-eavesdropping interference technology, and frowns.

“Sem,” he says. He shakes his head at his secretary. “You’ve failed me.”

Sem looks as unimpressed hearing this for the millionth time as he had the first time. “Sir,” he says politely, acknowledging the criticism with an arched brow. The better part of Sem’s attention is clearly reserved for the sheafs of papers and pads arrayed before him that weren’t there moments ago.

The Dowager indulges Kan. “What happened, darling boy?” she asks, opening the door to Kan’s dramatics.

“Guess which zealot Sahms were Ambassador Isokai’s late and dearly beloved parents?” Kan asks.

The study is silent while the Dowager and Sem consider the possibilities, and then Sem purses his lips together in realization.

“That’s an unfortunate coincidence,” he says, completely understating it. The Akal-naya Sahms who had sent an assassin after Kan before his first year at the Institute—and whom Kan had subsequently had killed in a quiet retaliation—were Isokai’s parents. It makes a great deal of sense to Kan, in an awful way.

The Dowager looks at him pityingly. “I’m an incredibly fortunate woman. All of this madness is your father’s bad luck, or his seed’s fault for making you a man,” she opines.

“Let’s please not talk about my father’s seed,” says Kan.

“How did you find out?” Sem asks, wisely choosing to ignore the Dowager’s comments. “We didn’t know that, and you know how carefully the whole affair was planned.”

“Isokai hinted it to me a couple of weeks ago,” Kan explains. “And then he forgave me. Now, what were you saying about my luck, Mother? And I quote, ‘I accept your apology, Lord Kan. I would offer you one on their behalf, but it wouldn’t be honest, I’m afraid.’” Kan recounts the moment with a relish that’s quashed by the Dowager’s scoff.

“You apologized?” she demands.

Kan rolls his eyes. “Yes, Mother. One generally has to do that before being forgiven.”

The Dowager frowns. “I don’t think I approve of you apologizing for defending your own life,” she says severely. “Was this at the housewarming party?”

“Think of it as apologizing for the coincidence instead,” Kan suggests. “And yes, it was at the party. That went beautifully, thank you for asking. My Noki was the belle of the ball.”

“I heard,” Sem offers, glancing down at a note, “that your Noki gave you a five on your performance of co-hosting duties. That’s the lowest grade you’ve ever received, Lord Kan.”

“It’s disturbing that you know my record so well,” complains Kan. “You’re not my father.”

“No, fortunately enough,” Sem grins back. “Just your spymaster.”

“Assistant spymaster,” the Dowager corrects. Kan and Sem share an exaggerated look that earns Kan a rap of the Dowager’s stylus against his knuckles. Hissing in surprise more than pain, Kan grabs his hands back and shakes them out.

“Shall we get to it, then?” the Dowager asks haughtily.

“I love you, Mother.”

“Shut up, darling boy. Sem?”

Sem looks down at his papers grimly, and his smile fades. “It’s been a tough week for the moderates in the Samran government,” he begins.

“That is impressive new technology you’ve developed,” Isokai observes when Kan steps out into the hall outside his small audience study. He’s a few minutes late for their meeting, but he doesn’t doubt Isokai arrived precisely on time.

“Did you think I hadn’t noticed those ‘ears’ everywhere?” Kan asks archly, and Isokai shrugs, his expression carefully bland.

Now that Kan knows Isokai is an ambassador versed in the business of shadow states—how else would he have known about the volley of assassination attempts?—he feels more… comfortable, around the ambassador. Though neither of them would discuss such things openly, Kan finds they can still speak more honestly. He thinks Isokai understands him better than the rest of the Exchange too, since he sees the fuller picture that not many else do. It creates a sort of understanding between them.

Kalna doesn’t know how he feels about that, yet. He and Iska aren’t always enemies, but Kalna remembers how often he’s railed against Iska. He remembers his anger and outrage, mixed in with bitterness and other things he doesn’t want to examine too closely, like a burning scratch at the back of his throat. It reminds him that he can still say the wrong thing—that he can always do the wrong thing, too.

Those were past cycles, Kalna thinks firmly.

In this cycle, Isokai offers him a rueful half-smile. “I have my orders,” the ambassador says, and it’s not an apology. It’s just another acknowledgement that even if they’re not enemies, their nations aren’t friends yet either. “As any one does.”

“Except me,” Kan says contrarily. He starts heading down the hall towards the skybridges at the end, and Iska falls into step beside him. “I don’t take orders from anyone.”

“You never did.” Isokai’s voice is dry as ever, but this time Kan detects the humor in it.

He grins. “I dreamed that I followed your orders, once.”

“I am sure it was only the once.”

“And it was just a dream. A dream of very long ago.” Kalna laughs and tries not to think of the warmth-suffused half-dreams, wishes of a past life buried under layers of cycles.

He gestures Iska into the lift before him.

After the housewarming party, Iska had agreed to meet with him to discuss public image strategies with genuine potential. As the son of prominent Sahms and a high-profile member of Samra’s government, Kalna hopes that Iska could offer insight and suggestions that Noki, as a foreigner, might miss. It had been Iska’s idea to meet somewhere more private, so Kalna takes them to another of his favorite hideaways on the city’s ground level.

After following one of the paths on the outskirts of the ground level districts, Kalna leaves the walkway and cuts across the grass, towards the forests which Iska likes so much. The treeline is too distant easily reach on foot from where they are, but much closer is an artful rock garden formed around a small, concealed pond. It’s there that Kalna takes them, and not only because he wants to see Iska climb in his bulky robes.

The pool at the center of the garden, accessible only by a bit of clambering up and over the outer rock face, is private and unfrequented, and just outside the bounds of the city.

“Iska,” Kalna says, as soon as the ambassador has seated himself on a smooth stone bench carved into the inner side of the circle of rock. He pulls bits of loose stone from the garden around him to his hands and starts tossing them idly into the pool. “Are you absolutely sure you can’t just wish my problem away?”

Iska eyes Kalna, like he might be regretting this secluded setting. “You know that is not how my ability works, and especially not in a world like this.”

It’s true; Kalna’s power is diminished here too. He doesn’t know if he can do more than pull pebbles or the occasional stylus to him, and more than that, he hasn’t tried. It’s as if that part of him is dormant still, sleeping along who knows what else.

“Well,” Kalna sighs. “It was worth a try. What have you come up with for me, then?”

Iska’s lips twitch in the tiniest of frowns. “In complete honesty, I don’t believe you will ever be able to change the mind of the Akal-naya sect, and they have amassed a disproportionate amount of power. However, they are largely of an older generation, and younger Samrans have proven themselves to be more interested in fostering better relations between our countries.”

“So that’s your advice then?” Kalna asks. “I should set my sights on outliving the extremist Akal-naya.” He tosses a pebble into the pond, to punctuate his point.

The pebble abruptly becomes a flower which floats gently onto the water’s surface, robbing Kalna of the satisfying plop.

“That would be the long-term strategy,” Iska says blandly, eyeing the flower while it turns back into a pebble—a different pebble, Kalna notices—that sinks silently to the bottom of the pool. “I have a great deal more advice on ways to smooth that road, if you are ready to listen.”

“I’m the lord of Tasak, and you’ve been to my Congress,” Kalna drawls. “I’m fantastic listener. I’m practically a professional.”

“You will not find me an easy target for your cross-examinations,” says Iska.

Kalna snorts. “Don’t make that a challenge, Iska,” he warns. “We were just starting to get along.”

“Where were you today?" Noki asks when Kan gets home. He’s standing at the kitchen counter over a tablet, and he sounds very, very casual. Kan wonders what’s got his goat -- it can’t be the hour, because it’s not unusual for Kan to be home this late.

Hanging his coat by the door, Kan bounds into the kitchen and sidles up to Noki from behind, wrapping his arms around the diplomat.

"What do you mean?" he asks the top of Noki’s hair.

Noki dodges the kiss Kan tries to plant on his cheek, twisting his shoulders to pull himself partially free from Kan’s hold. “I dropped by,” he explains, twisting awkwardly in the circle of Kan’s arms until they are facing each other, Noki’s back against the counter. “And you weren't there."

"Did I miss an appointment?” Kan’s surprised by the possibility. It isn’t like him to skip commitments by accident, especially not with Noki. “I thought we only had the morning one.”

"No,” Noki says, a little peevishly. “I was trying to surprise you."

"You never drop by,” Kan points out.

"Thus the surprise,” Noki replies dryly, in the kind of way that makes Kan think that whatever Noki’s surprise was, Kan’s chances of still getting it aren’t that good.

"Noki, peach of the most beautiful garden," he sighs. "I had voluntary interaction with Ambassador Isokai. We discussed culture and had a late lunch. Can I have the surprise right now, instead? I think I deserve it." Kan dips his head to steal a quick kiss for emphasis.

Noki’s nose wrinkles. “You had lunch with Isokai," he repeats disbelievingly. "Alone?"

"Yes, yes,” Kan says impatiently. “And we both survived it without a scratch. I can be civilized, Noki."

“Are you still annoyed by the party?” Noki asks. The question is abrupt, and Kan doesn’t see the relation. His brow furrows as he tries to work out what Noki is actually upset about, if it isn’t the thwarted surprise, but he comes up blank.

“I’m confused,” Kan admits. “I thought we had agreed the party went very well.”

“I —” Noki starts, then stops and sighs. “I’m sorry,” he says when he continues. “I don’t know, maybe I thought you were avoiding me after the morning.” Leaning forward, Noki slips his arms under Kan’s and hugs him, pressing his face into Kan’s chest as he goes. “Ignore me,” he mumbles into the hollow at the base of Kan’s throat. “I’m being silly.”

“Okay,” Kan agrees easily. Curling his fingers around Noki’s hips, he pulls Noki even closer. “It’s already forgotten,” he assures his diplomat. “Now. How can I convince you to bring me a new surprise?”

(next - part seventeen)

chugging along, choo choo.

@gingerly-writing @severe-fangirl-syndrome @rrrawrf

#writing #regret everything #i dont like this title but i couldnt think of a better one right now #there's a lot of talking here #like #a LOT of talking #so much healthy communication #right??#kan and noki #challenge accepted 2k18

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