#just started thinking abt the 3.5 cut again

[obscureoperations]

Not me being a complete fookin thot and imagining

Actually starring in a film with JA. The two of you are due to record a very explicit scene. He visits you a few hours beforehand just to rehearse.The director leaves it up to your discretion whether or not you want the scene to be authentic. J just really wants to figure out what you like

[unitedstatesvsdisbelief]

i’m... kind of annoyed. i’m just thinking about my cousin who i used to be very close with. incredibly close. i used to drive 3.5 hours away to see her & my aunt like AT LEAST once a month. sometimes twice or more. my cousin & i started really having issues probably 2016. maybe before but i couldn’t tell you, i don’t remember. i just remember her being SO personally offended by my political opinions starting specifically before & around the 2016 election. she always hated that i was a democrat and she always was very backhanded about obama but it wasn’t like, mean??? she just disagreed and would be a smart ass but like, not in a really hurtful way or at the time i didn’t perceive it as so. it got really personal during the 2016 election. it’s like every little thing i did and every single opinion i had she felt was a direct and personal attack on her. she deleted and blocked me on facebook, she would screenshot my political snapchats (which sometimes, i’ll admit, were posted with the intention of getting under her skin) i mean she literally just started to not like me?? because my opinions were so offensive to her. after having a close relationship with me all of our lives. like her political opinions to me?? deplorable, literally disgusts me to the very deepest pits of my core. SOME of her opinions literally made me feel unsafe, made me feel unaccepted. her treatment of me made me feel unloved. but i never once argued with her. i never once stooped down to her level. with every single fight she picked with me i just told her “hey, we don’t agree. that’s okay. we’re family, we don’t need to agree. agree to disagree.” before she deleted me even my own friends would stand up for me against her when i wouldn’t stand up for myself. if i didn’t fit this exact mold that she had put me in EVERYTHING i ever did offended her. it’s still that way. like no matter what i do, what i say, i’ll never be good enough for her. our relationship honestly hurt me more than almost any familial relationship i’ve ever had. she really made me feel inadequate and it really hurt me, all of it. i know logically that i am better off with out that kind of relationship in my life but there is a part of me that still feels incredibly hurt, incredibly small, etc. i don’t think it would even be so bad if it weren’t for her kids. i love those kids like they were my own. i still miss them every single day. genuinely every. single. day. if it weren’t for them, i don’t think being like ostracized by her would really bother me so much. i mean yeah it’d annoy me but not to the level it does now. now those kids think i am just another family member that doesn’t keep in touch, another family member that left them. and i hate that. it fucking kills me. bc i remember that shit from when i was a kid, with other family members. to go from seeing those kids more times than i could count a year to once in the past 11 months? it’s shit.

it’s not for lack of trying on my part. i’ve reached out to my cousin every single time i’ve been anywhere remotely close to where they live. left on read, radio fucking silence. could not be more clear that she wants nothing to do with me. she comes into town once every month or two to see her half sister (who i actually AM close with. despite the fact that she’s not my actual blood) but when they come in? she doesn’t reach out. hasn’t once tried to see me or my siblings. idk. i’m just harboring SO many bad feelings about her. i want to not care. i want to not be hurt, to not feel so worn down by someone who doesn’t think twice about my feelings. i have so many fucking feelings i’m sitting here at almost 4 am on the night before i have to get up for working writing PARAGRAPHS of it. she doesn’t even spare me a thought unless i’ve done something to offend her (like a few weeks ago when i was “disrespecting christianity” by posting a picture of the collection of jesus pamphlets we’ve saved up at my restaurant job from shitty/no tippers.

when i responded kindly, respectfully, offering up a genuine conversation over what she was accusing me of? left on read. never responded. she just wanted to fight. and that’s all it ever is really. all it’s ever gonna be again i guess. i’m not going to give up pieces of me to someone who would rather break me apart. the funny thing is i still stuck up for her all the time, if my dad says something backhanded. i still, despite how she’s treated me, have enough kindness in me to stand up for her. idk. like. cutting off her mom was different. cutting off her mom was like emotions sliced with a knife (we had a big falling out. she hurt me but due to her alcoholism. my cousin isn’t an alcoholic she just hates me because i’m

not who she thinks i should be. who she wants me to be. my aunt was just a fucking bitch. i cut her off the SECOND she hurt me. the moment she fucked me over it was over for us. i felt hardly anything. i miss who she used to be sometimes, sure. but i don’t dwell on it like i dwell on this. idk man, i’m gonna delete this in a few days once i read it all to my therapist lol i just really REALLY needed to externalize clearly. if any of you have any tips on how to not feel like shit bc your family is mean lemme know!! also to be clear, yes i hate her political views. but for family, there was still a piece of me who was willing to look past it, so that i could still be a part of their lives, of the kids lives specifically. idk if that makes me weak, or what.

if any of you /actually/ read all of this.. damn. you’re a real one. lots of love if anyone made it this far lol. sorry to clog ur feed with my bs

oh also one more bitch abt it all... she got mad at ME bc i didn’t tell her that i was bi. i came out on fb and to her mom (bc i was closer with her at the time) she made MY coming out about herself. and then tried to gaslight me when i was rightfully upset. i told her i wasn’t sure she would accept me.. which honestly??? isn’t crazy. with her views, the man she voted for. the president she fucking loves so much?? why would i feel safe coming out to her? god!!!! sorry i really will shut up now goodnight all