#just some random tweets because there are so many of them in the drafts and I wanted to get a few of them out of the way

[godofstory]

[boxturret]

"One Sec Lol"

[disclaimer]I'm not insulting anyone's work on the project, everyone did amazing work and the project was shaping up to be amazing with everything I had seen.

I worked on the fan game Bionicle Masks of Power for nearly 2 years. I worked really hard on it, learned many things, used a lot of programs I'd never done before, actually worked up the nerve to use a mic for the first time, etc. Over time I got promoted to the head of two departments, 3d art and level design, basically because I was around a lot and kept things organised.

Then one day, with a "One sec lol" I was completely demoted, in a dehumanising, buzzword filled message. It called working on the game a "Journey". Now the reason I was demoted I won't really dispute, I was under a lot of stress, and sometimes I'd get upset, but these things don't happen in a vacuum, I don't get stressed for no reason.

The team was for the most part a bunch of really good, talented people that I enjoyed working with immensely, but there were some who were more focused on the glory (of making a free fan game for a 20 year old dead toy line... look, getting 200k views on the teaser went to their heads) so there was this constant push to get things...not done, because that wasn't really their concern, it was get things in a state where they could be shown off. And not a "here's a work in progress asset" sort of shown off, a "2 Paragraphs of fluff about the game, talking like it's already done, not actually mentioning the assets we're meant to be showing off" sort of thing.

The image in this tweet was meant to show off the newly (semi) completed UI, you know, that thing on the edge you can't see?

The 80/20 rule seemed foreign to them, where 80% of the work takes 20% of the time, and the final 20% of the work takes 80%, so someone would get a quick rough draft of an asset done in like a day, and they'd start pushing us to get it complete so we could show off, even though it would normally be months for something to get there.

This image here, of Pohatu in the desert. Do you know what it was supposed to show off? If you guessed the desert, no! That whole scene was thrown together by one person in like a day, it's completely fake, no work had been done on the desert at all. It was supposed to show off the Toa, as we'd just reached a pretty big milestone of completing and texturing all the parts and most importantly the masks. You know, that tiny thing that's facing away from the screen?

Originally the idea was to just show off the Toa in all their glory in their biome, but it mutated in to that...thing. There was work on a second one, but everyone finally realised that it was just looking bad so it was cancelled, thankfully.

This constant push to get things done to show off was so pervasive, and always seemed to fall on my shoulders, being the 3d art and level design lead, even though the real bottle neck was programming. We only had 3-4 programmers of very limited availability. When I first joined the team as a 3d artist I was basically given makework tasks to do, things of no real consequence, most of which got thrown out. (why make random set dressing objects for Ta-Koro, a place that hasn't even been roughly sketched out yet, for example)

This only got worse when I was put in charge of level design. The levels themselves are the prime thing to show off things in, so there was this constant push to get the levels finished, which I always pushed back against because, and I need to really stress this, the game was in a suuuper early state, and still is. If you've played the stand alone game Trials of the Great Spirit, that area was initially supposed to be the intro to BMOP proper, but the gameplay evolved so much that it became unplayable. At one point there was even the suggestion of keeping the TOGS area with the old player movement. As this was supposed to be the player movement tutorial this was dire and shows the danger of putting work in to making a level look nice too early, you run in to the sunk cost fallacy. Making a level look nice takes a lot of work, it's very fiddly, moving around little decorative objects and getting textures right, and you don't want to have to redo it a lot, which is why most games are blocked out first, meaning that the basic level geometry is created with basic shapes, and once everything is refined then they move on to actually making it look nice. As level design lead I insisted that we do this, because most previous attempts at making levels had spent way too much time worrying about the looks.

One of the first things I was tasked with as a 3d artist was to make a series of modular tree bits:

I was given nothing but a pair of images as guides of what they wanted.

So I worked really hard to try and make a modular system that would allow some interesting level layouts. Once I made the rough version pictured do you know what I was asked to do? Texture it. Make them in to final assets. No testing at all, no time to see if they'd work for the levels they wanted, nothing. Just rough>final for platforming assets immediately.

Well I knew that if I did that it would just end up getting tossed out eventually so I refused, and guess what? These were made before the movement refactoring so they're completely useless now![emphasis added because people keep missing the important part]

So now you see why making sure everything was finalized before doing final art was so important, which is why I would always fight against moving on to set dressing in the demo, because the demo wasn't and still isn't done, not even close. Having been put in that situation where I was told to work on something that would inevitably be tossed out later, I didn't want to put anyone in the teams I was responsible for in that situation, it's not like there wasn't a shortage of things to work on anyway.

Basically I was put in the situation where I had to constantly say no to all these, I'll call them what they were, marketing ideas, due to the game not actually being in the state it was being presented as. The video released on 8/10 this year was cobbled together from a bunch of unfished assets, barely functioning in an area that was designed just as a goal for set dressing to reach in a real level. It took the poor dev who had a computer good enough to run it hundreds of playthroughs until they got one good enough to show off, avoiding most of the bugs. And now seeing all this, know that I had to spend literal DAYS trying to convince everyone we should have that tiny disclaimer on the screen (every one else was worried about the aesthetics).

So this was the source of most of my stress, trying to focus on making a game while fighting against those that wanted instead to act like we had made a game. That's what lead to my stress and occasional outbursts, and me just in general getting fed up with working on the game.

After I was demoted, for the next week or so I was miserable. The way it was done just completely destroyed any sort of comfort I had in the team. I'm very shy and introverted, it takes me a long time to warm up to people or a place, and when something like that happens, it's all gone in an instant.

I didn't feel comfortable in the chats anymore so I left, I tried to explain myself to the person who demoted me and they just ignored me for several days at a time, leaving it to all spiral out of control in my head, another person said conflicting things that just made it worse. "It's not a punitive measure" "We appreciate your work" "You should be thanking me you didn't just get kicked off entirely" forcing me to grovel at their feet etc. It was all so much.

The final straw, and what got me kicked off, was do do with a document I had spent 9 months creating, that outlined a possible way of structuring the whole game. Before I started trying to get some structure in to it, the game design just seemed to be a big question mark. 6 playable characters needing to collect 11 upgrades, it's quite a complex thing that doesn't really track to any other game I've seen. The first version, Legacy, was simply a fully open map with the masks scattered about, but that wouldn't do with the level of detail and gameplay complexity we were aiming for. I eventually worked out something I thought would work, using a system of context sensitive gates, and I wrote and did many diagrams on the subject.

After I was kicked out of the leads, not a week later they announced big sweeping changes that were basically what I had been pushing for for months. There was something I was unclear on, a sort of gate for Kopaka involving wind, and I asked what it was. The new level design lead, the person who I had explained the concept of gates too, then proceeded to tell me what a gate was.

This was it. I was done. A week after I get kicked off the lead team and I'm treated like I didn't do anything. Then later I was confronted by another lead, and forced to post PROOF that I'd actually posted this document I'd spent 9 months publicly working on, that we'd had a whole meeting about with the story team, the document that got me promoted to level design lead.

In the moment, was too much for me, with everything going on with the game project and stuff in my personal life being stressful at the time, I genuinely didn't want to be around anymore, it was too much for me, I wanted to disappear. I tried to tell one of the leads this, and was ignored, I tried to speak openly to the team about it, I was censored, probated, then the next day, before I'd even woke up, kicked off the team. For being "negative". I was then told that if I didn't want things I'd made to be used I could ask them, but the only things they listed were the makuta totems and some jungle assets which I didn't even know what they meant.

So 2 years of work, and all I'd done for them by their account was a noodle and some wood.

[clarification]I'm not implying that they stole anything or are using assets without my permission, it's more that I've worked on this game for nearly 2 years and made sooo many things, yet all they could list were the things I did in the past month. Sorry for any confusion.

Just keep working like a good little drone, no matter how much disrespect we throw at you. This is Team Kanohi.

I wanted to put this all behind me, but someone on the team had the gall to request the very document I was accused of pretending to have made (I mean who ever asked for it on the team, not who asked me personally, just to be clear) , so I'm just so fed up with them. I was paying to host the bulk of the parts and 3d assets out of my own pocket, and it took them like a month to bother moving things, by which time I got charged.

Here's a quick overview of some of the things I worked on, it's not comprehensive at all, it barely mentions the atlas system, but I'm so emotionally drained that I don't really want to bother with all that. It's also not just a noodle and some bits of wood though.

I want to reiterate that I genuinely enjoyed working with most of the people on the team, and I wish them well.

I just want to add one more note: I was personally asked to join the team, I was asked to be 3D art lead, I was asked to take on the Level design leadership role, and even after I was demoted it was still seemingly thought that I would do everything I had been doing up until that point. I never asked for these roles, I accepted them because I believed in the game project and wanted to do everything in my power that I could to make the game as good as it could be.

[ravenadottir]

@the-bisexual-mermaid asked:

"Since fusebox is apparently gone to shit but we are super attached to litg and its characters, we should make up our own season 4! Why don’t you make up the original 5 boys and 5 girls? What kind of people would you want to see in your season 4? What sort of juicy drama would go down between these characters?"

this ask came in july, last year but it was gone from my drafts/inbox, along with so many others. at some point i thought it was a fever dream but now they'res back!

now, about the actual ask, i've assembled not only the original people but a whole concept of what i wanted, including islanders, challenges, relationships, love tropes, who would leave or stay and why. needless to say i got carried away.

so i'm splitting this answer in a few parts, just because i want you to see all the islanders i came up with (34).

but let's start with day 1.

🍦 day 1 - ten islanders

mc won't be part of this batch. i still think it would be brilliant to have her as a bombshell, just not how fusebox made her on season 4 (from what i heard she comes in during the dancing challenge and that's so jarring but pop off i guess).

right off the bat we have first impressions on the new islanders and later on the discovery of their routes. each of them would be fitted into a love trope, but not all of them would be li's, at least not initially.

instead of the phrase they have in their profile info, i would make them describe themselves with three words, which would give us more of a scope to understand what type of personalities we would be dealing with.

for the first couple of days i would only make two episodes since mc is not here. so without further ado, here's my first two days.

🍦 boys:

damian. intelligent, patient, shy. he/him, bisexual.

luke. beautiful, vain, charming. he/him, straight.

ben. fun, tired, ready to go. he/him, bisexual.

tweet. fun, compassionate, daring. he/him, straight.

gustav. creative, fun, persistent. he/him, straight.

🍦 girls:

fingers. intelligent, hard working, ready. she/her, straight.

emily. funny, reliable, sweet. she/her, straight.

diya. kind, smart, adventurous. she/her, bisexual.

kendal. creative, colorful, soft. she/her, bisexual.

liv. good, fierce, done. she/her, bisexual.

🍦 recoupling

girls’ choice, as they come out of the bedroom, just like in litg. these are the couples formed:

fingers + damian

liv + ben

kendal + tweet

diya + luke

emily + gustav

🍦 challenge

never have i ever. a good chance to get some of the tea on the islanders and their past experiences. oh, i forgot to tell you, mc is watching everything happening in real time. the villa life starts on day 1 and you have access to all that is happening.

the suggestions are all written down in cards and they pick them up at random and use little pickets with a “i have” or “i have never” written on it.

first up. “never have i ever slept with someone without knowing their name.” ben, liv and tweet raise the green sign while the others stare in horror.

“how do you shag someone you don’t know the name…?” kendal asks.

“well, i could show you but i already know yours.” liv responds, leaving kendal giggling.

“never have i ever got drunk and texted an ex.”

liv, ben, kendal, tweet and fingers raise the green.“

"fingers! kendal!” ben smiles.

“it happens… you did!” fingers say, timidly.

“yeah, but i’m me… you’re… well, you!”

“what’s that supposed to mean?”

“it’s a compliment, it means you’re better than him.” emily says with a chuckle.

“i’m not…! i’m…” she gets uncomfortable and damian grabs a card to avoid the tension.

“never have i ever betrayed a friend.”

general ‘oohs" and 'oop’ are loud as ben, tweet, emily and gustav raise their greens.

“i mean, ben i get, he’s him, but gustav?!” fingers is shocked.

“he was… not a good person. i ended up telling everyone what he did, so i guess that’s technically a betrayal.”

“what did he do?”

“suffice to say he got his punishment.” he crosses his arms and stops talking. the game goes on but in a faster pace until the last one.

“never have i ever cheated.”

luke and diya raise the green one. “alright then… good to know the ones to keep an eye on.” damian said.

“well, it’s not that simple.” luke says.

“i answered ’no’ because i haven’t, you said ’yes’ because you did.” ben winks. “sounds pretty simple to me.”

“whatever mate.” luke stands up and stretches, trying to look unbothered. “i’m gonna take a dip. see you all later.”

🍦 after the challenge

everyone scatters all around but the girls stay back to discuss the game. “so… luke huh… and you two…?”

“oh come on,” diya responds, “it was… a really bad relationship, the type you can’t avoid or break up, even when you have to. it reminded me so much of what lucas koh said on season 2 you know? the relationship was really bad but none of us was brave enough to end things.”

“right… what happened?”

“well, she was being possessive, always trying to control my every move, calling all the time, and if i didn’t pick up she would go feral. one night i went to meet a friend and, well, things happened. i didn’t plan on it, but i didn’t stop it either. eventually we broke up, and i stayed single for a really long time. i had to.”

“yeah, it’s tough. sometimes you know someone is just not good for you but you’re trying anyways.” kendal says.

“well, i guess that’s rooted in pride. no one wants to admit defeat.” fingers grabs her water bottle.

“yeah, but i don’t like looking at relationships like that. it’s not about winning or losing. it’s about working or not.” liv stretches. “and we all have a bad relationship to talk about.”

“that’s the one thing we all have in common i think.” emily says.

“that’s sad.” kendal completes. “but i’m glad to bond over something. i feel like being in here can be intense at times so i’m happy we’ll have friends to rely on.”

🍦 nighttime

the night falls and they receive a cryptic text:

islanders, grab on to your tanning lotions for dear life, change is about to hit the villa. #coupleuporbreakup #couplesnottrios

the first night in the villa is already heated with the possibility of changes happening so soon. couples are going to bed and it becomes clear which ones are getting along and which ones were each other’s last option.

🍦 day 2 - conversations

after the first night they have a chance to talk and spend some time together, to get to know each other. couple by couple have a conversation about their likes and dislikes, one past experience and who they’re looking for, type wise.

damian and fingers are getting along, liv and ben as well (too well if you catch my drift), kendal and tweet are vibing and happy to spend time together, emily and gustav don’t connect at all and it’s awkward to share a bed, so much gustav offers to put a pillow between them. diya and luke don’t see eye to eye romantically but they’re happy to stay friends until other people come in.

“why did you choose me and not gustav, though?” luke asks diya.

“i feel like i would be too harsh because he gives me the vibe of someone that takes things like… too seriously.”

“he does actually.” they share a laugh. “well, i’m glad to have a friend in my couple. we can stay together until we find someone we like.”

“agreed.”

🍦 in the afternoon

they are spoiled with brunch on the lawn, but there’s a catch, they’re not having the meal with their couples, but with different people.

the boys get to choose who they want to sit with and gustav has first choice: kendal. “she’s so tender and sweet, i feel like we would get along really well.”

ben shouts “so you think you’re sweet, huh? i like sweet guys.”

“dream on, ben.” gustav responds.

damian chooses liv and fingers get pissed but doesn’t say anything about it. ben likes emily’s vibe so he picks her, tweet invites diya to his table, leaving luke to eat with fingers. he turns to diya to say “i wanted to avoid that, mate… she looks like she’s going to eat me alive, and not in a good way.”

diya chuckles and shakes her head before sitting with tweet. at the table some of them are comfortable but others are just feeling the awkwardness. fingers and luke start talking and realize they have more in common than they thought.

“you’re a model, right?” she says.

“yeah, i supposed you don’t think much of it since you’re literally a doctor.”

“well, i wasn’t rich, my family didn’t have money to get me into a good school, so i modeled throughout my entire school life. now that i have a job in a hospital i can actually pay the bills and all, but it was really between my family’s savings and whatever i could scrape from my modeling gigs.”

luke is kinda surprised. “you know what, i can definitely see it, you’re really beautiful…” embarrassed he quickly changes the subject as he sips on his drink. “i thought you were gonna bite liv’s head off.”

“well, that might still happen, she’s… pretty cute.” she winks. “i was just mad about not having a first date with our actual couple, but that’s not her fault.”

“right… how are you feeling right now?”

“i’m surprised by how much we were able to talk even though not having anything in common, at least on a surface level.”

“i can get pretty deep.” he smirks.

“was that a sex joke?” she says seriously.

luke gasps and chokes on his mimosa, tripping on his words to make her know it wasn’t. “n-no! not at all, i was just…” he notices her smirk and is relieved. “alright, you got me… but i’ll get you back.”

in each episode i would like to flash out their personalities, and even their dynamics, because i believe we have a lot of space and time to make that happen if we avoid fluffly pieces that don’t say a lot.

right after focusing on luke and fingers, we would move on to liv and damian.

“how are you feeling in your couple, damian? are you getting along?”

“well, yeah, i like her. fingers can look really tough but she’s also really funny.”

“so you think if someone came in, your head wouldn’t turn?”

damian thinks hard. “i don’t know… right now i’m thinking this is great, all of us are getting to know each other and we have the opportunity of doing that with no interference. but if the perfect girl or guy walked in i would… i would probably recouple.”

“and what makes the perfect girl or guy?”

“it’s a balance… i feel like my life is pretty boring back home. i barely have places to go and people to see, and the idea of going out every week is jarring to me. i need someone that wants to relax with me on the weekdays and weekends.”

“what do you like doing then? on weekdays?”

“reading is a shout, watching some shows i enjoy, cooking together. like i said, everything back home is what people call boring, but i like it. i prefer the peaceful nights than the agitated ones. and classes run until 3, so sometimes i have very early days… i want someone that has the same desire of staying put and enjoying a book. when we travel i would like to be with them by ourselves.”

“not even a group trip?”

“well, sure, but i would be cooking a meal for them at least once, and i would want to enjoy the place with them as well…” he sips. “i’m sorry, i’m going on and on about myself. tell me about your type.”

liv’s eyes go wide. “i’m… in between types… i feel like it restricts my options so much and like, i don’t wanna miss out on something great because i stayed true to one format.”

“that’s fair.”

“with that being said, like you mentioned, i want someone that keeps up with my routine. i work at night, almost every night of the week, so i sleep from 4 to 11, it can get pretty crazy.”

“oof, that sounds exhausting.”

“it is, but i can’t see myself doing anything else. but it’s also the kind of life i wouldn’t trade. i love singing, i love the crowd, the drinks aren’t half bad either.”

“so it’s really fun!”

“yeah… but have you ever seen soul, the movie? that moment that the main character enters a zone they can see from the other realm? i know it sounds dumb but… that’s how it feels…”

“no, i completely agree!! whenever i’m explaining something really hard and my students can give me examples of it, in practical terms, i feel like my job is done, and i enter that zone of…”

“satisfaction.”

“yes! it’s good to do the work, but it’s even better to see the good results. for every F i grade there’s hope that person can achieve an A, you know?”

“yeah… i would know, i was an F student.” she laughs.

after that just a chit chat amongst the islanders, general reactions to things the others are saying, in general, and them getting to rest after the meal. the night would fall quickly and we would see the couples talking and having a drink after dinner, nothing too out there.

liv comes to join fingers and kendal, who are having a cocktail by the pool. “so, how was the date with my partner?”

“umm… it was interesting…” she takes a sip for every pause. “we got to talk about life back home… the work we do… our types…”

“whoa, whoa… slow your row, red!” fingers adjusts herself on the seat, pulling the cushions closer. “spill it!”

“listen, damian is a very quiet guy… i reckon he likes peace and quiet.”

“i can be quiet.”

“the point is not if you can be, it’s if you are.” liv watches her reaction while taking a sip.

“so, what? you think his head might turn?”

“well, i asked him that…”

“and…?!”

“and… i think you two should talk.”

fingers stare at the roof terrace where a couple of the boys are having a heated discussion to what it sounds like the best place to have a vacation, damian’s voice the only one not being heard despite his presence.

“yeah, i’ll talk to him.”

“so… what about you kendal? how was the date with gustav?”

kendal giggles lightly but confidently. “i think he might have a thing for me.”

“really?!” liv lights up.

“is that so hard to believe?” fingers says.

“no! i’m just excited because kendal here might have a thing for her couple… tweet…”

“he is really fun, and super cute… and so flirty all the time. i’m just…” kendal hesitates. “i don’t know if i would continue with him.”

“oop… hold on, let me get in position!” liv exclaims. “alright, spill!”

“it’s just, he’s really sweet, but it seems like we never have anything to talk about. yesterday it was fine, we were having a conversation about our hometowns and then, poof! nothing. the conversation died and never came to life again. this morning i was kind of relieved the brunch wasn’t with him.”

“oh… girl… do you think he feels the same?”

“i don’t know. he must, right? the vibe was dead so fast, and it’s a shame because… wow… he’s really cute. and a really good cuddler!”

“aham. so are you gonna tell him this?”

“i guess. just not right now! i’ll give it time to breathe, you know. maybe it will get better.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the end of day 2 is solely the chats they’ve been having after the brunch. but there’s more to come on day 3 and that’s a subject for a new post, so… bye!

[wondernus]

hi! idk if this is intrusive or not, but can you show us pictures of your writing process or drafts? it can be for smaus or anything else. i'm just very curious because of how well-developed your characters and storylines are!

it's not intrusive or anything! i'm always happy to share my writing process for anybody looking for inspo or for anybody who's just curious.

here are pics of my drafts and their descriptions for my most recently completed fic (contains love hard spoilers for those who haven't read it yet):

→ I'm the type of person who gets random ideas throughout the day, so I often scribble tiny phrases or ideas onto random pieces of paper. if you compare the first draft to the final product, you can see how many things have changed including the main character and the focus of the series (the main character was supposed to be kmg!). I was going to post a pic of my first draft but I thought that revealing my handwriting would reveal too much about myself sorry omg. here are some excerpts instead: -uncover the contents of your bag and your emotional damage...run by yn, sibling, + friend -NO ANONYMOUS STORIES! the whole concept is about opening yourself up and letting go. -"so you're just a himbo?" -someone suggests he take yn out on dates just so yn can experience it and maybe teach him a few things. also yn isn't usually someone he would date so it's fine right?

→ 1st pic: this is how I set up my word doc. the navigation bar is honestly my best friend. LH has a total of 85 pages.

→ 2nd pic: I've mentioned several times in the past that I write with time in mind so I make schedules for my characters. this is the bag talk side's schedule. i'd say schedule making and sometimes even literal world building (on the sims) helps me envision what i'm writing a lot better.

→ 3rd & 4th pic: this is my general set-up for texts and tweets. I thought it was super funny that once I hit the last few chapters of TKAGTBA, Word basically gave up and immediately stopped spell-checking bc of how much red was in the doc. but honestly speaking, I more often than not post the chapter first and then write it in my Word doc. so I guess I'm more of a messy but organized writer? kinda like having a messy room, but if someone asks you for a rubber band you can tell them there's a yellow one under your desk.

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

Hey! I hope you're doing good, so recently I have been seeing many posts about that number theory and jikook like 5,8,13 and Idk 11/8 like some people have analyzed that and it really makes sense at least to me it does like it's so calculated every post, every tweet and even the recent cover was like 1:18 secs and 11/8 is a pattern they seem to follow, ahh I wanna word and explain better Sheesh my English isn't so good so yeah but what do you think about this whole maths with jikook?

Hi, thanks! I hope you're good too. I meant to make a draft of this because I have to run some errands right now but I accidentally posted it 😭

I understood what you meant, don't worry! Apparently numerology is kind of a big deal in Korea yeah, and they celebrate anniversaries counting days like 1000 days of getting together, 500 days of being born, etc. I know it means something for jikookers, but does it mean anything for Jimin and Jungkook? I personally wouldn't know if they believe or care about that.

It's okay if it makes sense to you. I just don't think there's enough information to say if it makes sense for Jimin and Jungkook. There's also the fact that sometimes people are just looking for reasons to believe in something, you know? Like people were looking for a reason to believe that JK posted that cover thinking about Jimin or because he's grieving, and so they found a reason to believe in the 1:18. When it was the "anniversary" of them going to Tokyo, JK posted the cover for falling. Idk but if his idea of celebrating an anniversary is to post breakup songs then... 😬 But that's what I mean. If people believe it's something good, then they will relate it to being romantic, but if it's something bad then people will just ignore it, even if it makes sense with the numbers theory. I personally think it's random, just coincidences.

[solllaris]

boys like you — bobby mckenzie. 

summary: despite only knowing him for a week, it never entered fallon’s mind that bobby might not be as genuine of a guy as she thinks he is. but that’s before the mean tweets challenge and now her mind is completely consumed with thoughts of him being a player. 

pairing: bobby/mc, mentions of bobby/lottie

word count: 2424

note: i cannot even tell you how long this has been sitting in my drafts just collecting dust. but!! the release of s3 really gave me the inspiration to finally finish it and after some editing i’m pretty proud of it! pleeease go easy on me b/c it is my first bobby fic so if he’s ooc please tell me and i’ll work on it. anyway i hope you guys like it!! :)

The strings of words on the page before her blurred together as her mind continued to drift. She was stuck in a never ending cycle of rereading the same lines over and over again, her brain never quite able to comprehend their meaning. The unwarranted, dangerous thoughts seared through her as her eyes, once again, shifted to the gentle lapping of the clear pool water against the coping. On any other Spanish night the sound of tranquil water would’ve soothed her to no end but the claws of self doubt and anxiety had sunken into her too deeply and there was no way for her to return. She was at their mercy and she despised it.

A loud resigned sigh huffed between the redhead’s lips, her berry colored lipstick having faded from the nights earlier festivities. She tipped her head back until it rested on the lounge chair she sat upon as she attempted to relax and loosen her tight muscles. The days busy events of the ‘mean tweets challenge’ and two boys — Rocco and Lucas — being dumped from the island had successfully wound her up until her nerves were shot. Yes, she was admittedly a bit sad to see the latter leave the Villa so soon but she was not as concerned about that as she was the challenge.

Her belly fluttered and twisted painfully as the tweet plastered onto the board flashed behind her eyelids. The words “player” and “Bobby” were never ones she’d even considered putting together before that challenge; but suddenly the ginger couldn’t drive them from the forefront of her mind and the seed of doubt in her body couldn’t be unplanted. It had sprouted its roots into her gut and raised tiny red flags where they hadn’t been previously.

Before, the teasing and little touches with Lottie had been easily brushed aside, reassuring herself that they were only friends; Bobby was a very friendly and affectionate guy to begin with, so it came as no surprise he was the same with his mates. However, as the redhead watched the way his muscular arms wrapped up her friend, peppering kisses to the top of her head to comfort her as Rocco left the Villa behind, she couldn’t stop herself from wondering. Was it all platonic? Did he really need to kiss into her hair? Did that simple act of affection mean anything? The questions were never ending, bouncing and ricocheting off either side of her skull until a dull ache began to split across her forehead.

Just when she’d snapped her book shut, the pages thumping together harshly as she swung her legs off the side of the chair, a tanned and defined chest came into view. He was still dressed in one of those wacky printed button-downs that only he could pull off. Only four buttons were done up, the remaining ones popped open and left his delectable pectorals on display for everyone to admire. His freckled cheeks were tinged pink from probably one too many drinks and she kind of hated how good he looked; it made it all the more difficult to be a bit distant and leery of him — especially with the way he gazed down at her, hazel irises holding all the affection and tenderness in the world.

With downcast eyes, she watched his feet move until he settled onto the lounge chair beside hers. He leaned forward, his elbows resting on his widely spread knees and he was close enough to reach out and touch. The twitch of his clasped fingers suggested that the same thought had flitted through his mind, so she was a bit disappointed when he didn’t move towards her.

“Hey,” Bobby murmured in his sweet Scottish twang that the redhead absolutely adored. “Fallon, are you feelin’ okay?”

Fiddling with the paper cover on the hardback book in her lap, Fallon hesitantly glanced upwards to look him in the face. God, he looked so, so pretty in his outlandish shirt that hugged his biceps perfectly — like the seams around the arms would burst and unravel. His short dreads were a little disheveled from who knows what and although all of his physical attributes were beautiful, Fallon was always utterly enamored by his eyes. They spoke the words he couldn’t illiterate, the vulnerability that he found it difficult to express oftentimes. As he looked at her by the pool that night, the twinge in her chest worsened because how could he be a player and look at her like that?

“I’m fine, love, I promise,” Fallon reassured and forced a smile that she hoped solidified the white lie she’d told.

Bobby cocked his head a bit to his right and studied her, his gaze flickered over the entire expanse of her face. She knew he could see straight through her; he always could. “Are you sure?” A mischievous, teasing smile stretched across his face. “Usually I can’t keep you off me, lass. Practically jumping my bones all t—“

Fallon’s foot knocked against his leg, shoving him back lightly as she laughed for the first time in a while. “That is so not true,” She giggled.

He beamed at the sound of her musical laughter, his lone dimple cratering itself deeply in the surface of his flushed cheek. He quirked a brow and his innocent grin morphed into a lopsided smirk, “S’not what it looked like this morning in the sh—“

“I will shove you in the pool, Bobby, I swear.”

Chortling, he caught her hand that had shot out to strike his shoulder and ran his thumb along her skin delicately. The playful pool-side atmosphere slowly filtered itself out as the couple fell into a few beats of silence and his smirk faded into something softer, something that Fallon quickly picked up as concernment. The gentle but firm squeeze he gave her significantly smaller hand had her heart thrumming a bit more heavily against her rib cage and she knew the conversation she had been dreading was looming over them. Truthfully, she had hoped their short moment of joking with one another had successfully diverted the focus off of the distance she’d put between them the entire day, but she should’ve known better; he was a person of validation, craving it to ease the insecurities in his mind from past relationships, so of course he’d picked up on her guarded behavior and wanted to fix it.

Dipping his head low, Bobby pressed the softest of kisses to each of her knuckles and she couldn’t help but watch in awe of the man across from her. His lips lingered against her last knuckle for a few seconds longer than the rest and with a cute nuzzle of his nose to the back of her hand, he rose back up to look at her properly. Vulnerability was written all over his normally smiling face, brows drawn together to form a tiny crease between them, and Fallon despised the fact that she was the cause of his worry.

“What did I do, lass?” He asked quietly, barely to even be heard over the lapping pool water.

The clear-cut sadness in his voice sent a ripple of a throbbing ache through Fallon’s chest. She suddenly felt really silly for worrying about that stupid tweet because how much could an absolute stranger know about someone they’d never met anyway? It was complete stupidity on her part for believing a random person on the internet over the man she was undoubtedly falling for after only eight days.

Fallon set her book aside and dropped Bobby’s hand just long enough to move to the lounge chair opposite her, sitting so close to him that every inch from their knees to their hips touched. She pressed her cheek against his left shoulder as their hands found each other’s again, digits slotting together like they were drawn back by an invisible force.

“It’s dumb, really,” She admitted shyly, a tinge of shame coating each word. “I feel stupid for worrying about it.”

“M’sure it’s not dumb.” He shifted his body to face her a bit more, his free hand cupping her jaw reassuringly. “I never want you to feel like you can’t talk to me about how you feel.”

She tilted her head to the side and pushed her lips to the warm skin on the inside of his wrist where his hand held her cheek. “I know,” She hummed softly. “I just… I dunno why I didn’t pull you aside to chat about it. I guess I just needed some time to clear my head. Figure out what I wanted to say and how to say it.”

Bobby’s heart plunged dangerously low. The cogs in his head whirred startlingly fast as he immediately assumed the worst. He wore his fear and insecurity plainly on his freckled face and Fallon instantly squeezed his hand, beginning to backtrack before the poor Scottish boy had a heart attack.

“Hey,” She whispered as his hand dropped from her cheek. “I’m sure it’s nothing, okay? It’s just about that stupid challenge…”

Her soft, musical voice trailed off and loud bursts of laughter from somewhere in the Villa carried across the lawn to fill the deafening silence. The ginger haired girl studied the side of Bobby’s face and watched as his slender fingers slid over his plump bottom lip. His dark brows scrunched together in contemplation, recalling the mean tweets they’d read earlier in the day before realization dawned on his face. When he turned his face to look at her again, there was a subtle glint of disbelief twinkling in his amber colored eyes.

“Ah. The infamous player tweet, huh?” His bare knee knocked against hers and a small amused grin ghosted across his mouth in spite of himself. “You know me. Player is my middle name.”

Fallon’s stomach twisted and she was sure her expression mirrored the irritation she felt. Moving her leg away from where it was pressed against his, she pulled her body up off the lounge chair with a frustrated sigh but she didn’t make it very far. She’d taken maybe half a step towards the villa when his warm fingers latched onto hers, gently tugging her back.

In his haste to get her to stay, Bobby had quickly stood up to catch her. The hand that wasn’t softly stroking over her knuckles came up to rest on her jaw, tilting her head up slightly to meet his gaze. Fallon felt a tug at her heart when she saw how alarmed and afraid he looked, a vulnerability that she caught quick glimpses of in only the mere week they’d known each other. It made her physically ache to consider the woman before her and what she had said or done to make him feel so afraid to lose what they’d built together.

Her resolve softened and her very short-lived irritation melted away; she could never stay upset with Bobby for long. It was like attempting to be mad at a puppy—a physically impossible feat.

“That is why I’m upset about it,” Fallon said quietly, making a conscious effort to keep her voice calm and level. “You keep cracking jokes about it but it’s not funny to me.”

His pretty, freckled face pinched in shame at the prospect of his thoughtless actions hurting her the entire day. “M’ sorry, lass,” He murmured. “It's just the idea of me being a player is so off-base that I thought it was funny. I forget sometimes we’ve only known each other for a week and you wouldn’t really know that about me.”

The redhead’s stare fell to the exposed skin of his chest where the top buttons were popped undone. She found herself instinctively tracing the clusters of freckles scattered along his sternum, collarbones, and pectorals—as if it were second nature and she’d been doing it her whole life; maybe she had been in another life and the familiarity of it bled into the one she was living.

When Fallon spoke again, she noted how her voice sounded tired. “You should’ve just told me that instead of laughing about it.” And then even weaker— “I was starting to believe that maybe you were just playing the game after all.”

Bobby’s thumb stroked along the curve of her cheekbone attentively. “Hey,” He hummed and the tenderness in the way his Scottish twang caressed that one word was enough to draw tears to her waterline. “Hey, baby, look at me.”

Embarrassment crept onto her cheeks and she felt her sun kissed skin burn against the palm of his hand but she obliged and the second her watery blue eyes peered up at him, all rounded out and doe-like, he felt like he’d been kicked in the gut. His brows scrunched together and his heart tugged. Seeing her cry because of him was absolute torture.

“I’d be the dumbest bloke around if I screwed us up.” The tip of his thumb caught the one stray tear that slipped over the rim of her lower lash line and he dipped lower to kiss it away. “I decree that you let me see that pretty smile of yours right now.”

The tiniest of smiles quirked up the corner of Fallon’s lips at his silly decree and Bobby frowned, clearly unsatisfied.

His expression softened into a loose smirk that reeked of mischief and the glint in his pretty eyes had her stomach flipping in anticipation. “Shame. I guess this calls for more extreme measures.”

With a brow arched in confusion, she started to curiously ask what these extreme measures were but the question died in her throat when he stooped to press his forehead against hers. The pace of her heart picked up in her chest and she was pretty certain she was holding her breath until the tip of his nose bumped hers. Fallon’s  breathy, blissful laugh filled the silence between them and his grin only grew wider as nuzzled her nose with his, back and forth a few times like an Eskimo kiss.

For a few content moments, her eyes fell shut and the worry weighing her down lifted. Bobby’s gentle Scottish lilt whispering a cheeky ‘boop’ had her lashes fluttering and she was met with one of his radiant smiles. There was no doubt in her mind that his smiles could rival those of the sun.

A boy like him with sunshine for smiles could never be a player.  He was sunshine embodied and he was the sweetest, most beautiful boy she’d ever known.

[moonysbookblr]

Home Body: a review

Before I even start, this is not one of those reviews that dismiss "tumblr poetry" before even reading it. I love Rupi Kaur. Milk and Honey is one of my favourite books. So when I say this book pissed me the hell off, I really tried to like it. I really did. For starters, structurally, this book confused me. The chapters characteristic in Kaur's books didn't work in this one. There were poems about immigration and consumerism in "rest" and so many poems about sex just scattered around that could've been in a "body" chapter. The sequence was also really confusing. I'd get a little emotional at a poem and the next would expect me to be rejoicing and being grateful?? Just to be clear, I know poem collections aren't always in some plot-like sequence and can be random but Kaur's previous work hasn't been like that. And to get to the biggest problem, most of the poems were just bad. Most of them read like literal tweets. And not even good tweets. Noah Centineo tweets. There's one poem that literally says "you are lonely / but you are not alone / there is a difference" like??? Should've stayed in the drafts, Rupi. Should've stayed in the drafts. The book actually talks about her feeling pressured to write when inspiration wasn't striking her and I feel like that's very evident here. I just wish she'd just taken a little more time with this and that her editor had done her job well because clearly, it seems like nobody even bothered reading this book because they just assumed it will sell.

All in all, I was really disappointed. Knowing how impactful Rupi Kaur can be in such a simple and accessible language, this falls even more flat. 1/5 stars. Have you guys read it? Let me know what you think <33

(Goodreads: @ lunarbae)

[differenceenginegirl]

Everything seems a little dark and scary at the moment, so I have complied a list of links to cultural and/or educational things (and some just streams of cute animals, or just plain fun) that are available to watch or listen to or do for free (mostly) online. Some of these will only work for the duration of the current situation (marked with a *), but most are permanent (so far as I know) so can be kept around for a little bit of sunshine on a rainy day.

Feel free to add to this with your own links or ideas, and remember, we’ll get through this together (with the appropriate social distancing). Follow the advice that’s been given, wash your hands, and be kind to one another. 

The majority of links were brought to my attention by @theyahwehdance, @elleflies, and @buckysleftarm (plus a bit of a deep dive through my drafts). Under a cut because hoo boy it got long... 

(Some links in the linked lists may be broken, some may be region-locked, and some may be duplicated, I haven’t checked them all.)

Culture and Education!

The Metropolitan Opera, free nightly (19:30 EDT, 23:00 GMT) broadcasts of operas, available for 20 hours following the broadcast too. (Schedule for the first week)*

Berlin Philharmonic: 30 days free access to their virtual concert hall (redeem before 31st March 2020)*

Playbill have compiled a list of 15 professionally recorded musicals you can watch at home (Not all free) and are inviting people to join them in watching Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Cinderella Starring Lesley Ann Warren on 20th March at 20:00 ET! (video may be region locked) 

12 highlighted virtual museum tours and a whole load of others from around the world!

Science Twitter, a series of Skype with a Scientist virtual lectures! (A sign up with an email is required through the link in the tweet, running from 12:00-14:00 EST, (16:00-18:00 GMT)

30 virtual field trips! Links to virtual tours and live cameras of many different places! (Aimed at kids)

Animals!

Cincinnati Zoo Facebook Live virtual safaris, every weekday at 15:00 EDT (19:00 GMT)* Completed safaris will be posted to their website shortly after the Live finishes, and also kept on their Facebook.

Live Monterey Bay Aquarium Cams: 10 different cams showing various tanks and enclosures, and the bay itself!

Live San Diego Zoo Cams: 9 different cams showing various creatures in their habitats! 

Atlanta Zoo Panda Cam

Danish Sea Eagles Cam (this site in Danish, and may go dark, as the equipment is solar powered): A live feed of a Danish Sea Eagle nest!

Peregrines in Norwich and Bath!

Live Animal Cam, Ohio: A cam focused on a feeding station, with night vision so the feed continues even after the sun goes down! (This shows wild animals, so there is no guarantee that you’ll see creatures)

Shedd Aquarium let their penguins out to explore! (Under supervision) More exploration here! 

Two Oceans Aquarium did too, and look at these little cuties on the stairs!

A livestream of adoptable kitties!

And here’s a thread with some of these cams, and more!

Music!

Various people (started by cellist Yo-Yo Ma) playing/sharing music that comforts them on Twitter.

Virtual High School Musicals! (Original Thread) (Wider Hashtag) Many High School kids are now finding themselves unable to perform the musicals they’ve been working so hard on, so Laura Benanti invited them to video themselves performing and share it with her, so they still get to perform for an appreciative audience! (Some of these are absolutely stunning!)

Never before heard Hamilton track demo! 

A playlist of Quarantunes on Spotify, compiled by Rita Wilson (Tom Hanks’ wife)

A playlist of 101 Feel-Good songs on Spotify, compiled by @lanamlouise 

This guy made a really cool instrument out of PVC pipes!

A group of engineers in Stockholm turned a set of stairs into a piano to encourage people to use them rather than the escalator!

Stories!

Josh Gad reads a bedtime story (Olivia goes to Venice) with voices!

Various celebrities reading kids stories, as part of a charity initiative to keep kids fed during school shutdowns.

A bunch of free short stories, essays, audio and video by the wonderful author @neil-gaiman (Plus two photos of him in an ancient hat!)

Find your local indie bookstore and support them while also getting a new book! (US only)

And of course, you can’t leave out the marvelous Archive Of Our Own for fanfiction and fanworks for almost every fandom you can think of! (Remember to make use of the tags and filters to narrow your search or avoid things you don’t want to see/read!)

Food!

A recipe for Norwegian Christmas Butter Squares! (Apparently like sugar cookies, but in bar form and better)

A fudgy brownie-in-a-mug recipe!

A really nice chocolate pudding (in the British sense, so like a cake) with spiced chocolate sauce! (I love the whole cookbook that this is from, and it’s especially good for Discworld fans. Available from various sellers, I have linked my favourite money-sink, the Discworld Emporium: Nanny Ogg’s Cookbook)

My favourite biscuits (cookies) to make! Honey and cinnamon, with a picture book (Honey Biscuits by Meredith Hooper) that you can read alongside to explain to kids where all the ingredients came from!

Creativity and learning new things!

LUNCH DOODLES with Mo Willems! (13:00 ET weekdays, videos remain post-stream) Aimed mostly at kids, but don’t let that stop you doodling with the  Kennedy Center Education Artist-in-Residence!

A little list of doll makers/dress-up sites!

How to take really good photos of the night sky with a phone! (Please continue to observe social distancing rules while taking your pretty pictures)

Fancy making a language? Here’s a site with resources to help you get going with that!

A long list of sources of inspiration, arty websites, and some that are just fun!

Make your very own Peaches the Mouse by @my-darling-boy!

Want to learn 3D modelling? Fusion360 is free (for hobbyists and students) and professionally used, with a good network of tutorials and an, imo, fairly intuitive interface! (I use this a lot)

Want to play with Photoshop but don’t have the money? Here’s a free, in browser version! (Has ads, but they’re unobtrusive)

Want to try your hand at creating a sim? The Sims 4 Character Creator Demo is free! (Limited options, but still fun to play with)

Whether you play D&D or not, this is a really cool custom miniature creator, with loads of options that are being constantly added to updated! (And if you have the money, you can get it in a printable format, or printed for you in a variety of materials!)

Fancy learning something new? Memrise has a load of free courses, ranging from real languages like French or Spanish for beginners to fictional languages like Quenya (one of the Elven languages from LotR) or Klingon, or trivia bits like Harry Potter Spells or Noble Houses in Game of Thrones, and many more! (Available in multiple languages, although not all courses may be available in all languages)

Ever fancied trying to build armour or cosplay props from foam? R31 Studios has you covered with free PDF templates for all sorts of bits!

Meditation and Calm!

60 second meditation tool! Put a worry into a star, and watch it float away with a calming soundtrack and 

Meditation with Lizzo!

Customisable Rain Sounds!

Customisable Train Sounds!

And many more customisable noise generators!

Play with liquid/particles! (Warning: this one made me feel a bit motion-sick, but pretty!)

Interactive generative art!

Random bits I couldn’t catagorise!

Don’t want to dine alone? Have dinner with the Gaffigans!

A series of Mildly Interesting images from @catchymemes!

A group of stuntmen doing Super Mario!

Another list of Good Links (Really well organised!) by @secretladyspider! 

@thelatestkate draws wonderfully reassuring cartoons! (On Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook too!)

World Record Egg Instagram! Lots of nice little positive cartoons.

Happy news from The Happy Broadcast on Instagram, The Happy News, and HuffPost Good News!

Here’s an ongoing list of good stuff by @pftones3482! (Check the notes for more good stuff, and the latest addition)

Some feel-good browser games!

And finally, a little frog here to give you some reassurance!

[idkthisisjustforfanfic]

two years too late, chapter e l e v e n

Maybe it was harsh. Maybe it was a spiteful thing to say or unprofessional, even. The fourth glass of wine convinced you that you didn’t care. The fifth made you want to write another angry tweet.

Alyssa sat on the floor on the bathroom across from you, empty wine glass beside her. You thought you were going to throw up. First it felt like it was the wine. Then the crying. Now it was the pounding in your head that had you hugging porcelain. 

“Maybe you should just go to sleep,” she said quietly, her words careful. You pulled your eyes up to look at her, slow and resentful. 

“I can’t,” you said, tears welling in your eyes before you wiped them away. “He’s been in there.”

“Oh, Y/N, he’s been all over the apartment.” She reminded, her voice less patient that it was before. 

“Then I guess we have to move,” you said, voice squeaking when a sob escaped your lips. 

“Sleep in my bed, then.”

“With you?”

“I’ll sleep in yours.”

“No I want you to sleep with me.”

She laughed a little, a sigh escaping her lips when she reached out a hand. She stood, pulling you up with her. “Fine--a sleepover. On a work night.”

“M’not going to work.”

“You have to go to work.”

“I quit.”

“You don’t quit.” She said, leading you towards her bedroom in the dark. 

“I do too! How am I supposed to write about him? What am I supposed to say? He’s a liar and a cheat but he sure can write a good love song?”

“I thought you said you wrote most of it on the plane today?”

“I did, but--I can’t write a good story about him when he’s a wanker! Now I have to tell the world how terrible he is.” You sat on her bed, letting out a huff when you realized that her sheets didn’t smell like Harry. You’d gotten used to it, it was soothing.

“I don’t think you’ll feel that way in the morning.”

“I’m not that drunk.”

She didn’t respond. Instead, she left you in her bedroom when she disappeared into yours. You wondered what he was doing. On the phone with his sister? Writing a song about how stupid you were? 

When your roommate reappeared, she handed you a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. “They were on your dresser, are they clean?”

“Who cares,” you said, standing from the edge of her bed to pull your shirt over your head. She tossed the pants at you before heading back to the bathroom, talking over her shoulder as she walked away. 

“He’s a dickhead--what did he even have to say?”

“Nothing! He had nothing to say!”

“He had nothing to say?” You heard her turn the water on in the sink, a steady stream flowed from the faucet when you stood in the doorway. 

“I mean--I didn’t--I couldn’t listen. I just yelled, pretty much.”

“So you didn’t give him a chance to say anything?”

“No I just, I dunno, I didn’t want to hear it,” you said casually, shrugging your shoulders. 

“Y/N,” she turned the water off and dunked a face cloth beneath it. “You can’t really know what happened if you don’t let him talk.”

“I don’t want him to talk.”

She shot you a look out of the corner of her eyes. 

“I don’t!” You said again, turning back into the bedroom. “He’s a twat and I knew something would ruin all of this because, frankly,” you turned back to find her in the doorway now, her hair up in a bun and traces of mascara left beneath her eyes, “it was too good to be true anyway.”

She sighed, her shoulders slumped when she sat on the bed and looked up at you. “Just sleep on it. Give it time. You’re still in,” she shrugged, searching for the words. “Reaction mode.”

You didn’t have anything else to say. You’d called him enough names, drank enough wine to try to numb the hole in your chest that was growing every time you pulled the picture back up, dissecting it, starting at it, wishing it wasn’t true. 

So you crawled into bed, wiping your eyes in the dark when tears threatened to reach Alyssa’s pillowcase. She rubbed at your hair for a while but eventually fell asleep, leaving you to stare at the wall until the sun rose. 

There were moments of sleep, interrupted by reality setting back in. Pounding in your head when the alarm on her phone went off, a new day brought a desire to stay quiet. Too many emotions to articulate. 

**

You’d never been much of an actress. Whether it was a school play or just a white lie, faking it wasn’t something you could put on your resume. So when Whitney popped over to your desk first thing that morning, you immediately regretted your decision to even show up to work in the first place. 

Her hair was up in a sleek bun, her eyes bright and blue like the sky outside. “How was it? I loved all your instagram stories and I had to stop myself from texting you just to ask all about it!”

You forced a smile, clearing your throat before offering an answer. “It was good, you know, work trip in a sense still. Good food, no good bagels though.”

She smiled, her eyes narrowing a bit with suspicion. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” you lied. “Just tired. Jet lag, I guess.” It was a stretch, but she seemed to believe it. 

“Have you started yet?”

“The story?”

She nodded, another eager smile on her face. You leaned back in your chair, hands on your desk. “Yeah--started on the trip home.”

“Well, good. I was hoping to have you give a bit of a pitch at the department meeting on Wednesday? Maybe give them some details on the trip, just fill people in. I know there’s some excitement about it.” 

“Oh--like, tell them I went?”

“I mean, a lot of them know. But yeah, give us all the details of your weekend with Harry Styles,” she offered a big grin once more, reaching out a hand to pat your arm before assuring you she’d touch base later. You promised to send along your working draft--which would likely be a string of bullet points you’d crafted over the last few weeks, words crossed out and random things you heard him say or saw him do. You didn’t dare send her the words you’d pulled together on the plane home. Too soon. 

Because here was the truth: you still didn’t know what to say about him. How did you tell Whitney that you miraculously got the chance to interview Harry right after you reconnected? How did you explain lying to her and keeping so many secrets?

The frantic thoughts that swirled in your brain overnight told you it’d be better to quit. Sell all of your belongings and move to a remote town in a state like Wyoming or Montana. 

It felt safer than facing the mess you’d made--naming things and addressing issues hadn’t ever really been a strong suit, but you were left more uncertain and nervous when Carly found you hiding in the bathroom on the graphic design floor. 

“Why are you down here?”

“Why are you down here?” You threw the question back at her, watching as the soap on your hands fell towards the drain, an eerily appropriate metaphor--you were sure of it--for your career. 

“Had a meeting with Kevin about a story I’m doing--he made a shit graphic last week and I wanted to make sure he knows what he’s doing. Funny how we have to do other people’s jobs, isn’t it?”

You forced a laugh, reaching for paper to dry your hands. 

“Y’alright?”

“Yeah,” you nodded. “Just, uh, jet-lagged.”

Her eyes narrowed for a minute, her confusion soon swapped for excitement. “Did you jet set off with the love of my life?”

You cleared your throat, albeit a bit relieved that she didn’t seem angry about more dishonesty. 

“Oh my god, you did!” She rushed towards you, hands on your arms when she spoke again. “Where did you go? Home again?”

“No, no--we uh, I went to LA with him for the interview. Nothing big.”

“Oh,” she dropped her hands to her side, head tilted when she realized you still weren’t excited. “You seem depressed.”

“I just don’t know what to write for the story and--I’m mad at him. He was an asshole this weekend.”

“What’d he do?”

You shook your head, there was no way to tell her anything remotely close to the truth. “Just--he lied to me. He didn’t tell me something, rather.”

Her face scrunched. “What’d he not tell you?”

“That he uh, he had wine at his flat and I didn’t think he had any so I brought wine and then I found out that he had wine.”

It took her a second, her face pulled back in perplexity. “You fought with him about wine?”

“Yeah--he was a wanker. Just say you have wine if you have wine, y’know?” You cleared your throat, realizing how heated you were getting just thinking about Nina Winters and her stupid coat and the way Harry’s hand seemed to so naturally graze her back. 

“Maybe he forgot?”

“No,” you laughed. “It was good wine. He certainly remembered.”

She was about to say something but you were saved the door swinging open. You left Carly on the graphic design floor, heading back to your desk and wondering what on earth you’d gotten yourself into. 

**

Alyssa was out with Owen. You met him at the door and pretended like you didn’t notice Alyssa was trying to sneak out quickly without introducing you. Maybe it was the fact that you sat on the couch all day and refused to change out of sweatpants. You had plenty of sick time and your head hadn’t stopped pounding since the start of it all. 

It was just after 6pm, a dreary New York day had faded to night, clouds hung low over the city. A pot of boxed macaroni and cheese (it was better at home, but Kraft would suffice) cooked on the stove top, your phone buzzed on the counter beside you. 

“Hi,” you greeted Bryn when her face came into view, hair back into a bun. It was late back home--you didn’t know why she was up.

She moved the screen a bit, Jessie’s face came into view and you let out an audible groan. “What do you want? I’m still mad at you.”

Bryn laughed, Jessie’s face faltered. 

“We know--she’s sorry and I’m sorry. It was terrible of us to leave you in the loo with him but we hoped you’d just make out and fall in love or whatever.”

“Right,” you rolled your eyes.

“What do you mean ‘right?’” Jessie’s watched you, a look of impatience on her face. 

“You’ve never wanted me to be with him, Jessie! For as long as I can remember you’ve been telling me it’s a bad idea. I get that, okay? Nothing will ever happen between him and I.”

“I just didn’t want ya to get hurt!” She let out a sigh, eyes searching your face for forgiveness. “You’ve been in love with him since we were, like, fifteen, and when he left you were gutted! It sucked to know how much you were hurting and not be able to do anything about it.”

“This has always been messy, okay?” Bryn’s voice was calm--she clearly was trying to mediate. 

You stirred the pasta over heat, watched with skeptical eyes as Bryn continued. “We weren’t trying to meddle or anything, we just--we were drunk and we thought that leaving you both in there for a while would be good for you. Make you talk things out. We were all sick of being in the middle.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You narrowed your eyes at her. A churning in your stomach garbled up her words. Had they always been annoyed with your stupid and pathetic crush? Memories of them both urging you to move on flooded back in--nights in high school with thick eyeliner and instant messaging. 

Now Bryn let out a groan. “You two have always had feelings for each other. It’s always been bloody obvious and the timeline just never clicked and the four of us were left to just sit by and watch you both be a trainwreck.”

You were quiet at that, a thousand questions on the tip of your tongue, but Jessie let out a sigh. 

“Jake told us in, I don’t know, 2013,” she looked at Bryn to confirm the year, “that Harry said he liked you. But that was right when you had finally moved on and started dating Charlie.”

You would have argued the accuracy of moving on, but you wanted to hear what she had to say. 

“So we didn’t tell you that we knew that because we didn’t want to freak you out or ruin things and you seemed really happy with Charlie.”

“I was,” you shrugged, the anger and sharpness taken right out of your voice. “He was nice for a while.”

“I know,” Bryn said. “And then when you broke up we kind of thought it was your time and Harry had come home that Christmas and showed up to the party--which, we kind of knew was going to happen.” She paused to see if you’d be angry, you rolled your eyes and lifted your brows, urging her to continue. Their getting involved in everything wasn’t surprising anymore. 

“But then obviously that night didn’t go well and you told us to never even bring it up again. So--” Jessie trailed off, a shrug of her shoulders, an apologetic look on her face when you took the pot off the stove. 

“Whatever,” you said. “It’s all been a mess for a long time and it’s not anymore,” you lied. “I don’t have feelings for him and he doesn’t have feelings for me.”

They were quiet, watching as you dumped the water into the sink. “I think he’s dating Nina Winters--that model or whatever she is.”

“We just talked to him actually,” Bryn said, her voice quiet. Your hands jerked when she said it, you set the pot down before turning back to the phone and picking it up. 

“Oh?” You played it cool. “What did he say?”

“Well--he said he wanted us to tell you but, he uh,” a smile threatened to break Bryn’s composure. 

“We’re coming to visit you for your birthday!” Jessie let out a squeal, your chest deflated in relief when it became clear: they didn’t know. 

“You are? How’d you manage that?”

Jessie leaned in, her face close enough to the camera that you could see the small gap between her front teeth. “We’re all coming, the boys too! A proper lads trip!”

“You all are coming?”

“Was Harry’s idea--” Jessie informed. 

Bryn nodded. “Right after Valentine’s day!” 

“Did he buy your tickets?”

Jessie shrugged. “Said it wasn’t a big deal. He really wanted us to come.”

“When did this all happen?”

“Booked the flight about a week ago, yeah?”

Bryn nodded. “Was supposed to be a surprise and we were just talking to him about some logistics and he said we could tell you--I guess he hasn’t seen you in a few days.”

Oh, he’d seen you. Just sobbing in his living room with fire in your veins. You realized it was probably time to let go of the confusion and be happy about it--otherwise they’d know for sure that something was up.

“Well, that’s exciting! Are you all--you’re not...staying at mine are you?”

“No, god no--we’re staying at Harry’s,” Jessie said his name with a squeal and an added layer of theatricality. “We finally get a chance to live the lavish life with him like you’ve been doing.”

“I haven’t been doing that,” you denied, ripping open the packing of powdered cheese, sprinkling it over the pasta like winter’s first snowfall. 

“Sure--and the Queen isn’t old.”

“She’s just excited to see New York,” Bryn let out a laugh. “And you, of course.”

“You said it was his idea?” You pulled a fork from the drawer, balanced the phone in your elbow as you walked over to the table to sit. 

“Yeah--why haven’t you seen him? Aren’t you two attached at the hip now?”

“No,” you shoved pasta into your mouth, thankful for the excuse to keep quiet. 

Jessie’s eyes were glued to her own phone, her thumbs moved over the screen when she spoke. “We have to go to Times Square. I’ve always wanted to go.”

“We can do that,” you promised. “But only once. It’s rather disgusting when you actually live here. And obnoxious. Why are you two together right now, anyway?”

“Came to good old Brum to see me sweet baby,” she wrapped her arms around Bryn, inadvertently toppling them over with a laugh. “And to meet the head of my PhD programme!”

“Can’t believe she got you out of Leeds--thought your Northern accent would’ve been worse by now Jess,” you offered a smile to let her know you only teased. 

She stuck up her middle finger in front of the camera before turning the conversation more serious. “Harry said you’re mad at him.”

You took another bite, eyes on the napkin next to your bowl. If you avoided eye contact, you could buy time. 

“Are you?”

“No,” you lied. “He’s just--he’s being stupid. M’not mad.”

“You sure?” Bryn pressed again, a hand reached overhead to smooth her her ponytail that Jessie had sufficiently ruined. 

A nod, “yeah,” you said. “Totally.”

“So us coming to New York is going to be the greatest thing ever?” Jessie couldn’t contain her excitement, another squeal and another close up of her face when she made more requests: the Empire State Building, Central Park--you promised that the top of the Rockefeller building had better views and that Washington Square would be better for people watching. 

But you caved--she was too excited and Bryn was too busy already planning the entire schedule. A text to Adam and Jake in the group confirmed what you’d already expected. 

The six of you. Together for more than a few hours. For the first time in years. 

It was sure to be interesting. 

**

The cafeteria at work was busy--and while you typically opted to grab food from a restaurant nearby, the distraction of Carly complaining about her newest deadline was a welcomed distraction. 

She pushed at the eggplant parm on her plate, fork prongs rubbing against the blue ceramic surface before she finally brought a bite to her mouth. “You know? It just feels rushed and I don’t want it to be.”

“I know,” you sighed--though you hadn’t really been listening. Your brain was too focused in on the fact that Harry’s name had lit up the screen of your phone a whole three times. 

“You can read those,” she laughed, reaching for her napkin to wipe her mouth.

“No--sorry, he’s just--m’still mad at him.”

“Well what’s he saying?”

You let out a sigh and then reached your thumb over to open it up--the messaged spilled across the screen.

Harry S (12:19pm): Please come over tonight and talk to me. 

Harry S (12:21pm): There’s a lot I can explain Smalls

Harry S (12:22pm): I’m a dick and a wanker and a knob and I am sorry for not telling you

Harry S (12:22pm): I just didn’t want to fuck anything up 

Harry S (12:23pm): 😢

“All of that because of wine?” Carly looked down at your phone, a suggestive smirk tugged at the corner of her mouth. 

“Yeah, the wine.” You rolled your eyes, watched as she took a bite of the food on her plate. 

“He clearly is sorry--sent an emoji to prove it.” 

You looked down at the screen, three dots appeared below the five messages he’d already sent. You clicked it shut. 

“S’fine--I just need some space. Been spending a lot of time with him.”

“How’s the story?”

You made a noise in your throat set your fork down and reached for the coffee you’d already poured yourself. It was at least a two cup day. 

“It’s shit, honestly. Whitney finally replied to that email, though, of bullet points. Said she wishes I had more done but she can imagine the immense pressure I’m under due to the biggest story of my career,” you recited the words you’d read over and over, the ones that seemed to lodge themselves in your brain and steal sleep from you each night. 

You’d been trying to write. Have a cup of coffee and detach all emotion from the boy who’d long had your heart. You’d stare at your laptop late at night and wonder what on earth had gone on between them. 

Had they slept together? Was it once? How’d they meet? Why’d he not tell you from the start? How’d you not seen photos any sooner? 

Once you’d played through almost every possible scenario you could imagine, you’d be left with a blank page, no appetite, and a borderline sleepless night. 

“M’sure it’ll be fine--just be patient. You still a week until it’s due, right?”

“Yeah but my friends--our friends--are coming in two days. Loaded me up with tourist stuff and dinner reservations. Which means I have to see him and get writing and hope for the best.”

Your phone buzzed again on the table--you both looked down to see his words across the screen. 

Harry S (12:25pm): I miss you like crazy and it’s only been a week. Please come over.

You looked up at her, a knot in your stomach. 

Something in her eyes told you she knew. She took a sip of the seltzer on her right and then folded up her napkin. “Just go over.”

“No,” you said quickly, flipping the phone over before he could say anything else. “He’s in the wrong.”

“He’s in love with you,” she laughed, standing from the table before crumpling her napkin on top of her plate. 

“No he’s not,” you shook your head dramatically, a huff of air through your lips to communicate that she’d lost her mind. “Not in the slightest.”

“Y/N,” she set her plate down and leaned towards you, her voice lower so as to not draw attention. “I’m not stupid.”

“I’m not saying you are,” you said slowly, trying to keep your tone level--unsure of the emotion in her voice.

She smiled, relief down your spine when she continued. “I don’t know what happened and I don’t know your entire history--but I can tell there’s one there. Take your space but,” a shrug of her shoulders. “Talk to him eventually. And write your truth.”

**

At first you deleted the app--dragged it off of your phone like it was digital poison. You made it two days before you grabbed Alyssa’s phone out of her hands to check--desperately searching his name along hers to see if there were any updates. 

Had they seen each other? Was he lying? How were you supposed to reply to those text messages that sat, unanswered, on your phone?

Maybe you weren’t. Maybe you were supposed to just wait it out, ice him out, refuse to spend time with him when your friends were here and hope that they’d choose you over him. After all, you hadn’t been the one to abandon them. 

“Will you relax? I’m sure there’s nothing there--” she clipped an earring in place, as she stood in the doorway. Owen sat on the couch, hands clasped together on his lap, eyes fixated on the muted basketball game on the telly.

“I just have to check,” you said, words melted together as if your brain couldn’t handle full sentences. Your eyes scanned the letters, huddles of them together, people sharing their take on your friendship, more pictures of the two of you in LA. 

Nothing seemed to hint that he’d seen her or talked to her or anything in between. You let out a sigh when you looked up at her. She watched you with expectant eyes, an outstretched palm. 

You handed it back to her, reluctant to give her the last thing she needed before she’d head out the door and down the stairs, laughing and nuzzling into the boy who was slowly stealing her away. 

“Ready?” She turned to face him, a smile on her lips when he stood. 

“What’s his name again?” Owen shoved his hands in his pockets, reached for his coat from the hook by the door. “I said something about the band he was in to my sister the other night and she freaked out when I forgot his name.”

“Harry,” you and Alyssa both said it at the same time, only you rolled your eyes and headed for the kitchen.

“Don’t be too late--I’m lonely!”

“I’ll be home when I decide to come home,” she let her voice trail upwards in pitch, a sing song end to her sentence. 

You made a face over your shoulder, reaching for a box of cereal from the cabinet when she bid you farewell. The clock on the wall mocked you, breaking the silence in the room with every passing second. After a few handfuls of dry cereal, you pulled out your phone and reread the messages. 

Then you reread them again. 

After the third time, you called Jake. He answered on the second ring, a toothbrush in his mouth--he waved in greeting. 

“Hi,” you said slowly, voice low and drained of any emotion. 

He made a noise, scrunched his eyebrows together as if to ask what’s wrong?

“Harry’s a fucking twat,” you said, resting your elbows on the counter before shoving more food into your mouth. 

He spit into the sink, splashed water towards his mouth. “Yeah? What’d he do this time?”

“He was sleeping with Nina Winters.”

“The model?”

You nodded.

“He was having sex with her?” The look on his face was one of pure shock. 

“I mean--I dunno if there was actual penetration but there are plenty of photos of them kissing, so,” you shrugged again, waving a hand to communicate the assumption you were making. 

“So he maybe is sleeping with Nina Winters.”

“He’s at least snogging her behind my back. And this was all while things between us were--y’know--heating up.”

“Huh,” he flipped off the light switch in the loo he was in--moved back towards his bedroom.

“Huh what?”

He pulled his lips apart, took a breath like he was about to say something. You shoved the box back into the cabinet and made your way for the couch. “Nothing,” he said. “Just, s’weird, is all.”

“What do you know?”

“What?”

“What do you know, Jacob?”

“I don’t know anything!” He said, his voice higher in defense. “But he’s certainly a twat if he’s still seeing her. Especially if he’s seeing her instead of you.”

“I don’t know if he is--I told him to fuck off as soon as I found out.”

“Did you let him explain anything?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He shifted on his bed--you realized it was almost midnight there. “Nothing, Smalls, just--I dunno, he’s an idiot but he’s not that stupid. M’sure he had a reason for seeing her or whatever.”

You made a face at him--one to let him know that he was supposed to be on your side. 

“M’just saying,” held up a hand to soothe you.

“Well--he ruined whatever was going on. Whatever type of relationship that was--it’s nothing now.”

“Oh come on,” he tried to reason. “I thought things were finally getting back to a good place where you didn’t have to avoid him and hate every bit of his being?”

“That was before I knew he was making out with some air-headed covergirl.”

He bit his lip, watched you through the phone. You let it go, a scrunch of your nose at him when he changed the subject. “Is it a bad time to say I’m excited to come to New York?”

You’d yet to really talk with Jake about it--save for a few texts here and there in the group. 

“I just wish he didn’t have to be around.”

“Well it was his idea,” Jake laughed. “So I think we have to hang out with him at least a little.”

“Why did he want to fly you all out? Aside from being the savior and being such a nice bloke?”

“S’for your birthday. Said he had something else planned for you but wanted us to come out, too.”

“Something else planned?”

“Yeah--dunno what it is--or, was, if you’re not together anymore.”

“We were never together,” you lied--hopeful that Harry hadn’t kept Jake totally in the loop. Jake rolled his eyes but didn’t address it. 

“Has he tried to talk to you?”

“Yeah.”

“And?”

“I’m not answering.”

“Smalls!”

“What am I supposed to say? It’s okay that you were making out with a famous model and your childhood friend within the same week?”

“When did you even find out?”

“Like a week ago--I saw bloody pictures and everything on Twitter!”

“So he was still seeing her that recently?”

“No--well, I dunno--they were pictures from right before Christmas.”

“Oh--so, he might not be still seeing her.”

“I guess.”

“Smalls! You’ve got to talk to him and hear what he has to say!”

“M’hanging up now,” you laughed, spreading your legs out on the sofa when he leaned back in bed. 

“I’m the one who needs to go to sleep.”

“Then do that,” you prompted. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Hang in there,” he said. “He’ll come around.”

“Whatever,” you said, blowing a kiss to him before he ended the call. When you closed out the app, you noticed a new red notification on the message app--one you hadn’t seen come through while you’d been on FaceTime. 

It was a text from Whitney, a smiley face and a screenshot of one of your stories. Another text came through just then. 

Whitney Hall (7:34pm): This story just exploded!

Whitney Hall (7:34pm): 😊

Whitney Hall (7:35pm): 

She sent another picture, this time a screen shot of an email from Dan--a guy in analytics. He brought his dog to work on Fridays and he was some type of numbers whiz.  

300 thousand reads--up from a mere 80-something thousand just a few weeks ago. Another screenshot, a backend webpage that showed the top writers of the week. While you hadn’t produced the most stories--you had gotten the most reads. 

One and a half million unique page views on your stories over the last seven days. You exited out  of the text messages and clicked open the app store--wondering if you’d regret re-downloading the little blue bird that seemed to connect you to the universe. 

It loaded--back in it’s place (bottom right, first page) like it had never even left. A click of your own name, wide eyes when your profile loaded. 

187,000 followers.

More than doubled over the three days that you’d been gone. 

It wasn’t that you hadn’t expected it at all--the thought had certainly crossed your mind. You knew how it worked--be seen around someone famous like that and somehow some of it starts to rub off on you. 

You knew that writing the story about him would inevitably drum up some attention and excitement around who you were and what you did. Maybe even somehow prove to Whitney that you could continue to handle big and important stories--that is, if you didn’t lie to her  anymore. 

A surge of anger grew in your core when you tapped over to your mentions. Half of them tagged Harry as well--questions about the story and the trip to LA, pictures of the two of you in sunglasses with smoothies, as if you’d sold out to the type of life he’d left you for--one that was much more exciting than anything in Holmes Chapel would have ever been.

So were you a sellout? The question danced in your head while you scrolled through question after question, picture after picture, and theory after theory. Work only. Romance. Friends. Mutual friends. Introduced at a party in New York. Bonded over work visas. 

Did you agree to greedily to write this story in hopes of proving your skill and talent to a boss who already had faith in you? Trading your sanity for an ethical dilemma along the way?

You composed a group text without Harry. A simple request before sending a heart emoji to show your appreciation to your ever faithful and obnoxious friends. 

Do me a HUGE favor and delete pictures you have of me off your instagrams please and  thankssssss! Work related, I’ll explain when I see you all SOON.

come talk to me about tytl 

read other parts here

AN: sorry this is shorttttttttt, felt bad that it’s been a minute but I hope you all like it! 

tag list:  @clorenafila @ainsleesolareclipse @castawaycths @harryspirate @wanderlustiing @ursamajor603 @thurhomish @omgsharry  @stepping-into-the-light @rachkon @jdcharliewhiskey @sad-little-asshole  @shawnsblue  @gendryia @g0bl1nqueen  @laula843  @flooome  @a-woman-without-a-plan@awomanindeniall  @shaw-nm @staceystoleyourheart @ohprettylittlemind-deactivated2 @anssu-amry @my-fandomful-life2 @stylesfantasy @bookingbee  @mleestiles  @haute-romance-quotidienne  @craic-head-horan @talk-british-2-me-britbritharry @at-least-im-1 @paigemck00 @rawmeharry @pinkpolaroidgirl @blackxxmagicc @sksspotkitty @nearbyou @kalesouffle @sunnflowerchild @lmk12310​ @sing-me-a-song-harry @afterstylesmadeit @myhat @caritocp @liquor-and-intellect

[richincolor]

Today we welcome Caroline Tung Richmond to the blog. She is co-editor, along with Elsie Chapman, of Hungry Hearts: 13 Tales of Food and Love. Caroline kindly answers questions about editing an anthology, writing, sloths, and of course food.

Publisher summary: A shy teenager attempts to express how she really feels through the confections she makes at her family’s pasteleria. A tourist from Montenegro desperately seeks a magic soup dumpling that could cure his fear of death. An aspiring chef realizes that butter and soul are the key ingredients to win a cooking competition that could win him the money to save his mother’s life.

Welcome to Hungry Hearts Row, where the answers to most of life’s hard questions are kneaded, rolled, baked. Where a typical greeting is, “Have you had anything to eat?” Where magic and food and love are sometimes one and the same.

Told in interconnected short stories, Hungry Hearts explores the many meanings food can take on beyond mere nourishment. It can symbolize love and despair, family and culture, belonging and home.

I adore books featuring food. On a scale of 1 to 10, how hungry will we get while we’re reading Hungry Hearts?

I'm hoping for a 10! My mouth was definitely watering every time I edited the stories in this collection, and I would inevitably curse at myself that I couldn't sample the dishes I was reading about. So I'd recommend going out to eat right after you've finished Hungry Hearts -- or better yet, read it while you're eating!

What brought you and Elsie Chapman together for this project?

Twitter, actually! Elsie and I started chatting on Twitter years ago, and our friendship has grown via social media and emails. Back in 2017, I was tweeting about The Joy Luck Club and how I'd love to read more books that include its themes -- food, culture, family, and the tension between immigrant parents and their first-generation children. Elsie contacted me shortly thereafter to see if I'd be interested in co-editing an anthology around these ideas, and I said OF COURSE!

We spent about a month and a half refining the concept, drafting the proposal, and revising it with our agents before we went on submission. Much to our surprise and delight, the book sold quickly -- which was both wonderful and a tad stressful because I was nine months pregnant at the time! I believe we received the offer from Simon Pulse right before I delivered my son, and then we accepted it when he was about a week old.

Have you edited an anthology before? What are some of the challenges and rewards?

This is my very first time editing an anthology! Thankfully, Elsie has done this before (she co-edited the fabulous A Thousand Beginnings and Endings with Ellen Oh) and so she helped me navigate the learning curve. I also got wonderful advice from my friend Jessica Spotswood who has edited multiple anthologies, like Toil & Trouble and A Tyranny of Petticoats, which I contributed a short to.

My main challenge was dealing with taxes -- I hate paperwork and crunching numbers so no surprise there! I'd recommend consulting with an accountant if you're putting together an anthology since the taxes can get a bit complicated. But aside from that, Hungry Hearts was truly a joy from start to finish. I adored working with such talented writers, and I also loved working with Elsie and our editor Jen to shape the anthology as a whole. Usually writing a book is a very isolating process for me, and so it was refreshing to work on a project that required a lot of collaboration.

Is there a specific food you associate with family and/or love?

Oh, definitely! When I was growing up, my family would visit my paternal grandmother on Sunday evenings (we call her Nai-nai) and she'd make us dinner. My favorite dish of hers has always been her lion's head meatballs. I have no idea why they're called that -- and they're made out of pork, not lion, haha -- but it's a Shanghai dish and that's where my grandma grew up.

My Nai-nai's meatballs were always moist and perfectly seasoned, and she'd simmer them over a bed of Napa cabbage leaves and rice noodles that would soak up the yummy flavors. We'd serve everything over hot rice, and just thinking about it makes my mouth water and brings me back to my grandma's little apartment. Nainai is now 96 and doesn't cook anymore, and one of my biggest regrets is not asking her to teach me how to make those meatballs. I've made a couple recipes I found online, but they just aren't the same. But I'll keep trying!

Beyond this tempting collection, are there other young adult books you would recommend for our readers?

I've been reading a lot of adult fiction and non-fiction recently so I'm sadly behind on YA, but I'm really looking forward to checking out With the Fire on High by Elizabeth Acevedo because it's about an aspiring chef and I love stories about food. I'm also excited to read Maurene Goo's Somewhere Only We Know because it sounds like a delightful rom-com of a novel -- and it's set in Hong Kong! I'm hoping there's a scene or two that features dimsum because I live for dimsum. (Turnip cakes might sound bleh, but they are SO GOOD and I could eat a plate of them right now!)

If you’re allowed to tell us, what other projects are you working on?

Hungry Hearts is my first stab at contemporary literature and so it's a bit of a departure from my novels, which have all been historical fiction. My next book is a Cold War alternate history that's set in Washington, D.C. and that features super advanced robots. No title yet, but it should come out in 2020 from Scholastic!

This last question is fairly random and has nothing to do with the book, but on your blog I saw a photo of you holding a sloth. How did that come about? Sloths are amazingly adorable.

Aw, I'm so happy you asked! I love sloths, and back in 2012 I was lucky to spend a week volunteering at a sloth sanctuary in Costa Rica, which took care of orphaned and injured sloths. I spent my time there cleaning out the sloth enclosures, prepping food for them (chopping up carrots and sweet potatoes and the like), and playing with the babies (best job ever!). My favorite sloth was a little guy named Linus who was super sleepy and just wanted to be held all the time. I wish I could've taken him home.

We always appreciate hearing from book creators and look forward to reading Hungry Hearts now that it's out in the world.

Caroline Tung Richmond is the award-winning author of The Only Thing to Fear, The Darkest Hour, and Live In Infamy; and the co-editor of Hungry Hearts. She's also the Program Director of We Need Diverse Books, a non-profit that promotes diversity in children's literature. Caroline lives with her family in Frederick, MD.

[kamihoshi]

Sakura and their assistant (and fellow mangaka) Risapaso were interviewed together for Creator’s Voice by Rikiya Kurimata. I don’t think Sakura’s ever done an interview so this was a surprise. Sakura talks a bit about aiming to become a mangaka and all things Yugami.

As this is a Yugami-centric blog, I’m only going to translate the questions and answers related to either the series or Sakura.

Apologies for any mistakes made (there are bound to be some), they are not my intent.

(Note: The interviewer’s name is listed as his nickname 仕掛け番長 but screw it, I’m just gonna call him by his real name. And since I have no idea what gender either Sakura or Risapaso are I’m just gonna use “they” as the pronoun.)

Jun Sakura ✖ Risapaso Interview: Connected by Yugami-kun

A love of drawing since childhood

Rikiya Kurimata: Alright, first question, what made each of you decide you wanted to become a mangaka? Sakura-sensei, you can start, if you please.

Jun Sakura: There wasn’t a particular event that made me want to do it but I’ve liked drawing ever since kindergarten. That never changed and in elementary school, I’d draw manga all over my notebooks.

RK: You were drawing original stuff from the start?!

JS: It was nothing that spectacular, just stuff like copying Doraemon. I remember doing the same with other manga I liked in my later years of elementary school.

RK: Did you like making your own stories back then?

JS: ............Probably, I guess?

RK: That was a long pause (laughs).

RK: What was it like when you were aiming to become a mangaka?

JS: I worked a side job in my hometown at the time. I’d get home from work dead tired and fall asleep before even drawing manga (laughs). After saving up some money from working, I quit my job and started working as an assistant for a mangaka who was publishing in a monthly magazine in my area. As a monthly assistant, you really need to have another job or else you don’t have many days where you’re actually working, so my living expenses were tight at the time but I figured I’d draw manga while living off my savings.

JS: I submitted my work to a competition and even though I didn’t win, I got a call from an editor at Shogakukan who wanted to work with me. After that I was told, “Draw whatever you want” and what I came up with ended up getting selected. It was decided that I’d debut so I moved to Tokyo and got to draw a number of oneshots while working as an assistant for a weekly magazine but I just couldn’t think of a storyboard for a series no matter how much I tried. I drew my last idea thinking I’d go back home if it didn’t get accepted. That was Yugami-kun ni wa Tomodachi ga Inai.

RK: Alright, thank you! Next, Risapaso-san, please.

[...]

RK: Risapaso-san is currently also an assistant to you, Sakura-san. How’s their work?

JS: They’re very dependable and always draw up these awesome backgrounds for me. It makes my art look so much better (laughs)! They’re a real pro and very reliable.

Risapaso: You flatter me.

RK: I think a lot of people aren’t aware of what assistants do - could you fill us in?

RP: I guess you can say we help give form to the what the author envisions. Sakura-sensei basically gives me a drawing as a rough guideline and using that as a base, I draw in the details.

RK: Ah, so you have to be able to read what the author wants and help them complete the drawing! That takes the skill of a professional!

JS: Yes. I'll ask them to spruce a panel up for me and they’ll give me a draw up a really nice backdrop for me.

RK: Sakura-san, what do you think of Risapaso-san’s series, Garyayama Poyomi no Kataomoi?

JS: The black humor and twists are really great! Whether it’s being comedic or serious, it surprises me, like, “That’s how it plays out?!” It betrays my expectations in a good way and the developments are so engaging. Even when the mood becomes serious, it’s well-balanced so I have nothing but glowing thoughts after reading it. Likewise, even when the story gets dark and heavy, there’s always a bit of comedy afterwards. I really like how it’s able to flip the mood back like that. I’m eager to see what happens next.

RK: And how about your thoughts on Yugami-kun ni wa Tomodachi ga Inai?

RP: I love it. I really like Yugami for how he’s the complete opposite of your typical shounen manga protagonist - acting not for the sake of those around him but for himself.

RK: For sure. When Yugami-kun ni wa Tomodachi ga Inai first came out, there weren’t many protagonists like Yugami. I think as the series got popular, we’ve seen an increase in them. How did you come up with Yugami-kun?

JS: It was born from a conversation I had with my editor. We were talking about people that were oddballs yet could also be strangely likable and that’s when I realized there are actually tons of people like that all around me, myself included. I took a bunch of those different aspects, pieced them all together bit-by-bit and made it into a manga.

RK: Wow, from a random chat like that?! When the first volume (of Yugami-kun) came out, my bookstore colleagues talked about it a lot. They were surprised at how well it sold. I think it really changed our image of a shounen manga protagonist and because you modeled the characters after people you know, that might be why a lot of the characters feel so real.

[...]

RK: And do you use Twitter too, Sakura-san?

JS: I do, but I’m no good at social media. I never know what to tweet. I've been like this since my student days so I’m probably just not suited for it. Yugami-kun is being rerun on Sunday Webry right now so I use Twitter to get the series out there while adding some of my own commentary on it. But I’m so stuck on what to say that it takes about three hours just to write three lines...

RK: Three hours?! That time ought to go to working on your manuscript, no? (laughs) But since you’re serializing in a magazine, you must get some fan mail, correct?

JS: Yes! Getting fan mail is so encouraging. I feel bad that I can’t return the favor with anything but new year’s cards... But I treasure every letter I get. When I’m feeling tired, I read them over again and they cheer me right up. Some senders have been writing to me since they were students and as time’s passed, they’ve sent me letters telling me they’ve gotten married. It feels like I’ve really gotten to know these people through their letters.

RK: Well then, Sakura-san, is there a particular chapter of Yugami-kun that sticks out in your mind?

JS: There was a moment when I was drawing up the draft storyboards and felt like I finally understood the characters. So in Yugami-kun, there’s an arc where the hero and heroine sever ties with one another. I wrote it without deciding how the two of them would make up. All I knew was that it would end with them reconciling and I forged ahead without deciding how it’d happen. But once I started drafting the storyboard, the chapter just wouldn’t go the way I wanted it to. Even if the story ended there, it wasn’t over for the characters. Characters were saying things they’d never say and things just didn’t feel right.

JS: I have a habit of cutting up parts of my storyboard drafts and reassembling them and in that mountain of papers was the heroine’s smile. Suddenly it hit me, “Ah, this is it!” and the somewhat sombre end of that arc did a complete turnaround. Just by picking up one piece of scrap from my drafts, all the other aspects of that chapter I was struggling with started to click as I pieced everything together like a puzzle. Like, “Oh, so that’s what he was thinking?” It felt like the characters were guiding me. It took a while to go through all of it but part of me drew the storyboard wanting to know how they all ticked.

RK: It sounds like the characters came to life in that moment!

JS: I discussed it with my editor beforehand but when I went to draw the chapter, something about the characters just seemed off so I submitted a completely different storyboard from the one I discussed with my editor, rewritten even though I’d already gotten the OK for the previous draft... I’m nothing but grateful to my editor for letting me make those changes.

RK: Thank you for all the work you put into this series! Well then, are there any manga you’d like to recommend?

JS: My friend told me I should read Ousama Ranking (King Ranking) by Sousuke Toka. It’s great; it has a kind of warmth to its style like a children’s story but also has these intense scenes that feel straight out of a shounen manga. A lot of times I’ve cried reading it. I love how multifaceted the characters are. Re-reading it and reflecting on the characters thoughts and actions with that hindsight never gets old.

[...]

RK: Finally, is there anything you’d like to say to your fans?

JS: Yugami-kun was really only slated to run for one volume with five chapters but it received a lot of positive feedback on reader surveys so it was given a second volume, and then the first volume got a reprint... And on and on, that cycle repeated. It’s thanks to all of your support that the series is still going and I’m forever grateful. When I was drawing Chapter 1, I’d thought of the ending by then but writing the story up to that point wasn’t possible so I figured that at its slated end, I’d show how the characters had grown in that time frame. But thanks to everyone, it looks like Yugami-kun will be fortuitous enough to finally have the ending I’d envisioned. I’ll be doing my best to make the rest of the ride enjoyable, so I’d be happy if you stuck with me.

[...]

RK: Thank you for doing this, you two!

Notes

Some of the oneshots Sakura has written in the past (all before Yugami began serialization):

こなた彼方の箒星 Konata Kanata no Houkiboshi

ぼくらのヒーロー Bokura no Hero / Our Hero

サンスポット！ Sunspot!

＆スマイリー &Smiley

The development Sakura mentions about Yugami and Chihiro severing ties with one another is a reference to chapters 56-58.

[ngame989]

NYCC Panel Summary

Now that I’m finally home after a very long and very fun day at the SVTFOE panel (among other things) at NYCC, I’m gonna type up a summary from the notes I took. Note that some stuff is missing, I’m not gonna go into detail about every little thing; this is just what I found most important/interesting. Italics is my commentary on it. Bold is most important/new information. Not in any particular chronological order from the panel.

-Originally Ludo was going to pretend to be a student at Echo Creek Academy. She showed a bunch of her old sketches, most of which I’m told have been put online before but this one is supposedly brand new. Go birb boi go.

-Daron always liked doing character-first writing, and the other stuff was figured out afterwards. No shit sherlock, maybe more people should hear this.

-As most people know, the original concept for SVTFOE had Star as a 4th grader who believed she was magical but it wasn’t real. The new piece of info, kinda, is that when the direction shifted towards Star being older and being magic, this is what led to Marco having as much importance as he does. Hmm I wonder why.

-Star and Marco are “such good friends” -Daron Nefcy, Oct 7, 2018. Sure Daron, sure. That’s all they are.

-Dominic Bisignano built the scenes that Janna has in Mewberty which led to her becoming a more major recurring character. Also Janna’s personality and last name were “borrowed” from one of Daron’s friends. Dom is the best, as usual.

-Daron sees a lot of herself in Star, and a lot of her husband in Marco. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

-The writers draft up 2-3 page outlines and give them to the storyboarders who get to actually make the episode in full (including dialogue, scenes, etc) over 6 weeks. Daron personally checks in a few times during that process to make sure it’s all gelling with their concepts. I always knew one of the show’s strengths was that it was board-driven while the writers still maintained pretty tight control over the broader narrative, but it’s nice to have some more concrete info for this.

-When asked about hardest eps to make, she mentioned animating crowds was tricky. Writing-wise, eps with tons of deep history/lore require more effort, and eps without the Star/Marco dynamic are hard because that dynamic is very reliable/sturdy. HMM IT’S ALMOST LIKE THAT’S A CORNERSTONE OF THE SHOW GUYS. If I have one regret about the panel it’s that I couldn’t ask a followup about how they felt writing so much of S3 with them apart. Clearly the distance was intentional to the story, but I wonder if they felt it would be as rough as it came across to the viewers.

-Daron has been involved in the writing of every single episode, the creation of every character, and selection of all of the voice actors. Neat.

-Patrick Stump actually contacted Disney about doing some sort of voice acting work on his own, and the casting director contacted Daron since Daron was looking for someone for the part of Ruberiot to sing a rock opera. She actually wasn’t totally sure right away, so Stump volunteered to audition, and did. He got the part. Shocker.

-Daron wrote the parts for Skywynne, Festivia, Crescenta, Estrella (well, drew), and a lot of Glossayrck in the Book of Spells. Amber and Dom split the rest. Also, Daron made all of Festivia’s tweets fit the character limit for Twitter, but that changed in editing. Stupid editors, ruining attention to detail.

-Dom actually tested all the pie recipes in the book of spells.

-Daron was bummed that the internet deciphered Low Mewnian so easily.

-Some details in the book were changed along the way last minute to connect to Season 4 content. Eclipsa will personally use some of her spells in the book (and will be very involved in S4 overall), and we’ll enjoy season 4 much more if we’ve read the book, apparently. Cool.

-They’re still hard at work on the show, and producing about an episode per week supposedly? Obviously she doesn’t mean a full episode is completely finished per week, because otherwise all of S4 would be done in a month or two.

-When asked about Tom, Daron said that he always had potential to be more than just the angry ex and that Rider’s performance was a part of that. She didn’t really give many specifics there and just reiterated that she did character-first writing after that.

-The 650 dollars running joke was just a random thing inserted in Goblin Dogs and they scrambled to make an explanation for it later, thus tricking us into thinking she is a wizard of foreshadowing.

-Daron’s approach to balancing comedy and seriousness is that the characters themselves should be more lighthearted and funny, so they can be lights even in dark situations. Which works except when they’re super depressed for most of the season. Not that comedy was ABSENT from S3, but it still just felt way heavier all around.

-Daron doesn’t really receive any pushback on political stuff in the show, but probably mainly because it’s all fantasy. They can get away with a lot when unrealistic character types are involved and can get really allegorical. For instance, she is not allowed to have a character punch another human character in the face, but with unicorns it’s totally fine. Season 4 montage of Ponyhead being used as a punching bag for Marco’s workout routine CONFIRMED. Star will eagerly watch him work out shirtless.

And of course the clip.

[todaysbiggesthits]

The Exam

Best Music Moment of 2018:

Nasty: Hearing Red Eyes live. I've already said it on TBH, but seeing your favorite band in their relative prime is such a cool thing. 

BC: Since partying all night with my favorite band fell within the short window between Bestuv '17 ending and Bestuv '18 beginning, I'd have to say:

1. Kacey Musgrave's performance of "Slow Burn" on SNL

2. Radiohead perfectly executing "There There" which transported me back to Lollapalooza in '08 3. Despite the annoyance of sitting in lots of Indy500 traffic due to a new parking situation, I quite enjoyed working through half of the Stones' catalogue with Bronco riding shotgun and Codemin listening in from the flatbed of Dillon's pickup

Codem: Spending what was New Year's Eve for the central timezone in the USA at a Fijian medical bath facility listening to music, playing cards, downing tequeel and getting ringworm with my blushing bride. -hearing peter hook play the bass line from shadowplay live and in person. -Arden, JD and JJ encouraging me to go talk to Kyle from Swearin'. -Silver Jews and Westing (By Musket and Sextant) came to Spotify. -Watching "Random Rules" video for the first time

Larse: Sitting behind this massive (I mean orca fat) guy at the CHVRCHES show, feeling really bad for him before the show started because he was all alone and kept looking around and worrying about letting people in his row and things. As soon as CHVRCHES came on though, this guy was exactly where he was supposed to be that night. Sang the words and danced to every song and just made my day with how happy he was to be there. Jotted down every song of the setlist into his smartphone and just had an all around great time. And some of you motherfuckers won't even go to a movie by yourself!

JD: May: A moody Chinatown stroll with the new Grouper album in the rain. July: Soaking up some good tunes at the housewarming party to ring in our new pad. July: Some hilariously rambunctious youths having at it when “House of Jealous Lovers” came on during a full play of Compilation 1 at the DFA summer party. One of them (who must have been ~8 in the bygone days of 02) screamed out “this is the song that started it all!” to a crowd of stationary gawkers and I felt a brief moment of hope for the youngs. August: Shaking a leg at Pete’s wedding (also featuring a delightful hojl spin). September: A rowdy spin of “Sentient Oona” on the Levee juke with an impromptu digital jukebox dance party at the Turkey’s Nest with jj’s cousin and his lovely girlfriend. October: The best music cue I’ve ever seen at the end of Beau Travail.

Bronco: Taking John to his first concert, and that first concert was Mastodon. That was pretty awesome to be able to share that experience with him. He was super into it, and so were the metalheads at the show. "Dad of the Year" was definitely shouted more than a few times, and I thought to myself, "fuckin-A right."

Chap: My kids saying "Papa" when "She Drives Me Crazy" by Fine Young Cannibals comes on.

Best Shows Seen in 2018:

C: Open Mike Eagle at Pitchfork

Bronco: Sleep

Laser: CHVRCHES at Riverside Theater; Chromeo at Summerfest

BC: The Brian Jonestown Massacre, Radiohead

Nasty: The War on Drugs. 

Code: kraus - schubas peter hook - metro no age - the bottle swearin' - bowery eleanor friedberger - lincoln hall my bloody valentine - aragon "quickly climbing the ranks of my nice" ballroom kraus - the bottle pictureplane - bottom lounge soft moon - the bottle book of love - chop shop

JD: 1. Shame at Market Hotel 2. Hamilton Leithauser at the Carlyle Hotel 3. Beach House at United Palace Theater 4. The Voidz at Elsewhere 5. Parquet Courts’ Wide Awake! mid-day album release show with my morning coffee at Rough Trade

6. Flasher at St. Vitus 7. Deafheaven at Brooklyn Steel 8. Panda Bear at Brooklyn Steel 9. No Age at Brooklyn Bazaar 10. CCFX at the DFA summer party at Elsewhere with my girlfriend in full blown rem sleep standing up with her head on my shoulder 11. Alex Cameron at Warsaw 12. Gang Gang Dance and Interpol at House of Vans Of note: Dekkar at On Cinema Live at the Bell House.

Confession of 2018:

JD: I have a real TBH confession that I held until now. I was thoroughly enjoying the Flasher album on a recent evening after a few too many drinks when a burning urge to see them washed over me. They had a show coming up at a bar just a few blocks from my apartment, so I enthusiastically snapped up tickets for me and jj. Thinking this might be a good opportunity for a TBH outing, I emailed Chap trying to peer pressure him into attending the Flasher show and gauging his interest in a Parquet Courts concert that would be happening the following evening. No response.

We later received an invitation to a holiday cocktail party at a friend’s apartment on the same night as the Flasher show, and I hatched a cockamamie scheme to go from our home in Greenpoint to the party in Soho, leave after an hour to catch the concert back in Greenpoint, head back to the party in Soho, and finally retire back to Greenpoint. JJ wisely passed on such a scheme and I left the party to trek off to the concert solo with an extra ticket in tow. 

Awash in good cheer and excitement while Flasher set up, I thought what the hell, might as well take a flier on reminding Chap of the show. Maybe the twins are asleep, he’s just sitting around, can jump into a cab, claim the extra ticket, watch the show, and cruise on back. Mid-text I paused, wondering just why he never responded to the initial email weeks ago. A quick gmail search, and there sat my drunkenly composed beseechment to join, rotting in the drafts folder unsent. 

A couple of the dudes from Parquet Courts were bouncing around the bar, and I decided it would make more sense to hit up Chap about attending their show the next day than explain the whole snafu and extend a ludicrous invitation that required dropping everything and leaving immediately for a show he didn’t even know was happening. I ate the extra ticket, had a blast watching Flasher, zipped back to the party, drank myself into oblivion, and was way too hung over to even consider the Parquet Courts show the next day. NICK SORRY NICK! (editor’s note: too long)

Larson: I saw Timberlake at Fiserv Forum

BC: My neighbor invited me to see Imagine Dragons. I lied and said I had to travel for work. "On a Saturdee?" he inquired. "Yeah. Totally sucks," I awkwardly replied. I hid inside my house all weekend.

Bronco: I'd rather see shows by myself than with my buddy. He likes going to shows, and I keep inviting him, and we have a fine time, but he doesn't live in town anymore, so I gotta worry about him drinking too much and driving an hour home. And his wife is a psychopath and that complicates shit. Too much. And it's just so much more freeing being able to not give a fuck about anyone else during that time, to just soak it all in, it feels good and right.

Codem: -despite all of the bad things that kanye said, i still liked listening to his catalogue throughout the year. i even liked his EP that came out in 2018.   -i really liked the beach house album!   -i liked the snail mail album, skipped two opportunities to see her and then by --the end of the year, i thought the album was sort of boring.   -Arden and i went to see pictureplane open for alice glass and thought that the show sucked and pictureplane played such stupid songs. three months later, he put out my favorite album of the year and i can't stop thinking that i hated all of the same songs the first time i heard them. -i read an article on a bright fall saturday morning that exhaustively detailed the Cardi B and Nicki Minaj feud and i watched all of the instagram story clips that showed Cardi B scrolling through her phone with those outlandish nails of hers. it took me two cups of coffee to get through it all, but get through it i did. [i couldn't think of nicki minaj's name just now so i stared at the ceiling and kept running through names in my mind's eye: missy, kim, cardi, kelis, kim??, eve, trina. i couldn't remember. so i finally googled "kanye monster" and found her name. easy.]

Nasty: I'm done with new music. It’s over. I didn't listen to a single new album - I don't even know if I could name a new album. Realistically, I did like Daytona. 

Biggest Disappointment of 2018:

Nasty: MAGA Kanye

Larse: Timberlake at Fiserv Forum

Bronco: Black Tusk, Alice in Chains

BC: Getting into The Orwells literally two days before #MeToo chewed 'em up and spit 'em out

Chap: Car Seat Headrest. Can't believe he's gay! jk the album was the disappointment.

Code: -somebody hacked my spotify account and wiped all of my music and replaced it with raggaeton and halsey. i was able to get my music back, but i lost all of my meticulously cared for folder structure. -i wanted the simple minds album to be cool; it was not.   -i wanted the swearin' album to be really great; it was okay. -pictureplane and ovlov did not tour their albums.   -i had to eat two tickets to my bloody valentine after buying four. the original show sold out and i thought i was going to be able to sell my extras for a profit -- they ended up announcing a second show and there was no secondary market for the original show.   -no CCFX followup ):  

JD: Got to Hammerstein Ballroom for MBV and there was a line longer than an entire avenue. They were already on by the time we made it into the heinously oversold venue and we were stuck by the bar in the lobby surrounded by people constantly shouting in an effort to compete with the apocalyptic noise.

C: Terrible sound at Tame Impala show

Most Overrated of 2018:

Code: -probably that kacey musgraves album; i got absolutely nothing out of it. also, i liked the robyn album, but i wanted to love it after many years between releases. i think i'm just being greedy.   -i'm going to get killed for this, but the throwing the baby out with the bathwater approach to artists' criminal behavior or inflammatory tweets is pretty overrated right now. 

Bronco: Ghost - I like their schtick, with rotating members and the whole inverted church thing. It's campy but they're sticking to it, and that's fine, but their music isn't metal. It's poppy glam shit about the devil, and that's also fine, but I don't get why it's on anyone's list. Production value maybe? But the music itself isn't anything to write home about. I just don't get it.

JD: n/a. The thick layer of nonsensical, Pynchonian obfuscation the platform economy dollops over everything has made it impossible to understand how anything is rated. Almost feel bad for the click driven publications that have to just throw out a guess.

C: Mitski

Chap: Snail Mail

BC: Kanye. His new music is no longer good enough to put up with his bufoonery.

Laser: Timberlake at Fiserv Forum

Nasty: Clemson. GOARSH. 

Make It Stop 2018:

Nasty: DJT, anytime now. 

Bronco: Party politics. No more labels allowed. You can have a list of stuff you support and a list of stuff you are against, but that's fucking it. No more this side vs that side for reasons as caddy as an R vs. a D. Also religion having any influence whatsoever in the way our country is run. Believe whatever you want to believe, but don't force your bullshit on anyone else. You want to torment yourself with a lifelong christian guilt trip, that's your boat to float, but don't go poking holes in my boat just because you're a miserable fuck. Just stop. Also, Jack White.

Larse: Timberlake at Fiserv Forum

Chap: Baby Shark

BC: My shrinking attention span

JD: The cultural currency of clapbacks, shade, and tea.

Code: trap music playing from a phone's external speaker while i'm trapped on public transportation.  i'm going to go broke buying enough earbuds to distribute to these offenders.

Biggest TBH Regret of 2018:

Larse: Timberlake at Fiserv Forum

C: Not seeing Low at a church on University of Chicago's Campus

JD: -Hearing about a Grouper show at a church around the corner from my pad after it sold out. -Not necessarily a regret because I didn’t know it was happening, but oh how I wish I had seen Jon Glaser and Jon Benjamin as Dave Farina and Dave Franz, Dennis and Dennis’ sons, at a Bowery Ballroom Yo La Tengo show.

BC: -I wish I would've cooked up a way to see Shame play a midnight show in Bloomington.  I just want that kid to scream "Concrete" in my face. -I probably should've seen Smashing Pumpkins when they rolled through town too. 

Code: my flight got delayed and i missed the swearin' show at that place in brooklyn that "smelled like hot fish"

Bronco: Not a regret so much as I was super-bummed when High on Fire dropped out of the tour I saw in November. The venue we were at put my buddy and I right next to the stage. It would've been crazy awesome to see HOF there, but they've rescheduled at least, and I'll see them in January.

Bin: I haven't listened to any Kanye this year. I thought it would feel gratifying by year end - it doesn't. I'll probably still avoid this most recent album, but I'm going back to the well. I'll continue to talk shit about him though. Take that Ye!

Chap: No regrets 

Detective Murtaugh of 2018:

Larse: Getting too old to keep up with all of this new music and put a worthwhile list together at the end of the year…

Nasty:

Code: i added book of love show to my top ten concert list because Arden and i were able to take a seat on the ground in the balcony section. we had to continually move our spot on the floor to be able to peer through the railing and a mass of bodies in order to catch a glimpse of the stage.

JD: -Two of my favorite music related experiences of the year were seeing Hamilton Leithauser in the cafe of the Carlyle Hotel and the extended Niles family in The Nutcracker at the NYC Ballet. -When I googled “Detective Murtaugh” just now it was mostly pictures of Damon Wayans (Jr. no less!) playing the role on the Lethal Weapon CBS series.

Bronco: Putting up with shit instead of speaking up about it. There's room on the train but I'm squished by the door because some self-absorbed dinks won't move in? "Could you please move in?" It sounds so simple, but breaking that silence barrier was a scary thing. Now I don't give a shit. I'm on train for two stops, and I'm not going to see you again, so fuck you, move in or I'm going to move myself in and it aint gonna be pleasant for you.

Chap: A hipster female barber said I was a silver fox. AYFKM?

BC: What the hell is Fortnite?

Resolution for 2018 Update:

Larse: get my list in on time! How it went: probably horseshit! (editor’s note: it was early yet!)

NACK: While I didn’t have the occasion to catch shows this year, I anticipate doing so in '18 due to some changes afoot. How it went: Joe Dons has yet to let me know of a concert going on and I have no other friends here, so I blame him for my failure

Bin: I’m just going to keep saying “get to NY for a show with JD” until I make it happen. How it went: Didn't get to NY for a show with JD.

JD: See you gents more often with or without a show attached.  How it went: Fairly decent, but is it really ever enough?

Bronco: Get in shape. I want to stick to a schedule of running all year round. I ran a 10K back in June, then needed to recover for a bit, been recovering ever since…Fat Dad needs to keep running all year round without excuse, especially given that we go skiing between Xmas and New Year’s and I’m gonna be a floppy legged mess. During those runs, I’ll try to listen to new material each time. How it went: I ran a 5-miler in May. Haven't run since. Though I have been reasonably consistent with my prison workout (situps and pushups before bed time), so now there's a hint of muscle under my fat dad layer. Just gotta combine the two now somehow.

Code: make more playlists for my wife How it went: i said that i was going to make more mixes for my wife. i made one year-end mix for her and i'm sure she's loving it :*

BC: No more resolutions How it went: 2018 Resolution was "No More Resolutions," so pretty darn good!

Resolution for 2019:

Laser: ---

BC: Listen to one new album a week; reboot the Classic Album Review Club

JD: Greater consciousness of how I’m using my attention - an ineffectual and meaningless protest of the ways the world is burning down in pursuit of it.

Bronco: Read more 'classic' books. I didn't read many of them, even in school (especially in school? Never could read a book I was told to read). But I'm leaning in the sci-fi direction of 'classics'. I just read Dune this summer, and wrapped up Fahrenheit 451 the other day. I'm feeling an unexplained need to beef up my nerd credentials and this seems the way to accomplish it.

Chap: Learn Piano; Guilt Joe Dons into finally inviting me to a concert

Nasty: I'm sticking with it - get to NY for a show with JD.

Code: catch ovlov, pictureplane, washer, chromatics, EMA and colleen green live this year.

Most Anticipated of 2019:

Bronco: Tool. Fifth year's the charm. I'm actually hopeful this time around. In fact, I half expect them to drop it on New Year's Eve or something, just so it's post Listicle season, but not quite 2019 so it can't end up on those lists either. They're such dicks like that.

BC: Still waitin' on dat Vampire Weekend yet

Chap: Vampire Weekend, Chromatics

C: Lin Manuel in Mary Poppins... I kid, My Bloody Valentine

JD: Going to put Frank Ocean out into the universe, MBV take 2, Grimes, Panda Bear, Kanye’s escape from the Black Lodge

Codem: chromatics - tommy, MBV, washer, colleen green, EMA(?), DoM

Laser: no idea what's even on the docket

Nasty: Mueller's Report

[gaiapaia]

Kermit and Friends: Welcome Back, Dr. Rajeev Fernando Featuring Stuttering John

Kermit and Friends was blessed to have two superb special guests yesterday that couldn’t have been more different from one another.

The first was Dr. Rajeev Fernando, an infectious disease doctor making his second appearance on Kermit and Friends.

Dubbed by Elisa Jordana as the sexiest doctor in the World (what a compliment!), Dr. Fernando since his last interview on KAF in February has continued to travel all around the World to research COVID-19 and help COVID-19 patients get better. Dr. Fernando admitted he’s seen some horrible things throughout his travels, which has led to many sleepless nights and him crying quite often. You could tell this is a man who cares deeply about humanity.

Dr. Fernando, like 99% of doctors, is very pro-vaccination. What separates him from most pro-vaxxers is that he’s very conscientious about not insulting people with a different viewpoint from him. He believes, rightly so, by insulting someone’s beliefs is not a way to get them to change their mind on that topic. If only more people could conduct themselves this way, humans would be a much more pleasant species.

Take Dr. Fernando’s handling of Trumpster Bob, for example. Bob appeared on KAF to tell the doctor that because of a special gene he has from his Norwegian ancestry, Bob is incapable of catching viruses. Dr. Fernando seemed quite baffled by this but he didn’t disrespect or patronize Bob in any way. The sexy doctor instead listened carefully and even offered his personal email address so Bob could send him information about the nonsense Bob was spewing. This is a great way to handle people who throw weird fallacies at you.

We also learned that Dr. Fernando is much more than just a doctor... he’s also a filmmaker and fashion designer! Click here to read up on Dr. Fernando’s upcoming documentary Smugglers and Refugees, and click here to check out his fashion line called Equality, where the proceeds go towards charities promoting love and fighting against hatred.

Try not to underestimate how impressive this is. Dr. Fernando works 7 days a week, literally. He doesn’t even have a home right now; he just lives out of his suitcases in different hotels where ever he travels to, yet he still manages to get passion projects out there like fashion designing and filmmaking. I truly, sincerely admire this man’s work ethic and who he is as a human being. Dr. Fernando is one of the greatest friends Kermit could ever have and I’m looking forward to him gracing the show with his presence once again in the near future.

The second big guest of the show couldn’t be any more different from Dr. Rajeev Fernando... it was none other than “Stuttering” John Melendez.

John Melendez is best known for his years working on The Howard Stern Show and for being the announcer on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. These days John hosts his own podcast on Youtube and gains attention on Twitter for his incessant anti-Trump tweets.

John actually has a history with Kermit and Friends. He made a couple of appearances on the old KAF, one where John helped a young man overcome his stutter and another where John hurt a young man’s feelings and Elisa obliterated John for it.

John and Elisa have since made up. Elisa kindly appeared on John’s podcast multiple times over the last few years. Unfortunately, it took a lot for Elisa to get John to come back on Kermit and Friends. First he backed out many months ago when Elisa didn’t go hiking with him, and then when Elisa asked him again recently to be a guest on KAF, John said only if Elisa would go to dinner with him first.... 

Well, John’s mistake was not including the word ‘alone’ in his proposal, which of course led to Elisa inviting a few of her friends, including Kleenex!

You read that right, Elisa and Kleenex met in person. No one has made more threats towards Elisa or cursed her out more times than Kleenex, yet she found a fun way to meet him with John’s bribe. Brilliant move on her part. Credit to Kleenex though, he was a perfect gentleman and a beam of joy from everything Elisa had to say. Good for him.

Kleenex didn’t have nice things to say about John, however. Apparently John ditched Kleenex with the bill and was in a miserable mood all night. Elisa said as soon as she walked in that John started complaining and throwing a hissy fit.

To make things worse, John cancelled his KAF appearance before the show began! He was doing a fantasy football draft and because it was running late, John texted Elisa that he wouldn’t be able to come on. That was so infuriating but in the end, John did show up and let me tell you... he put on quite a show.

John was very candor all afternoon long as he broke down his lawsuit against SiriusXM, he told stories about a crazed fan who sent him nude pictures and a gun pointing at him, he fought with Kermit’s friend SaiyanZ (now known as Yew Neek), etc. It was quite the interview between he and Elisa.

Surprisingly, a lot of people fell for John’s stories and were on his side. Arf Arf Bark Bark is a huge Stuttering John fan and admires his “honesty.” Kleenex, who started off the show hating John, was a big John fan by the end of the episode, calling in multiple times to kiss John’s rear end. Elisa remained pretty impartial, while Yew Neek wouldn’t budge an inch in his disdain for John.

John knew so much about Yew Neek it was unbelievable. This Yew Neek guy, aka Kyle, has a Youtube channel where he commentates on different things in the podcasting World, including John. Kyle isn’t a huge Youtuber by any means but he’s fairly well known with the Howard Stern fanbase because of his videos on Stern and the people associated with that show.

That said, I never heard of Kyle until he first made his debut on Kermit and Friends 10 months ago or so. I like him - he has a funny voice and his opinions are his own, he doesn’t follow the crowd (plus he’s complimentary towards Elisa and even donates to her, which is the quickest way win me over).

Anyway I’m talking way too much about Kyle - the point is, John knew Kyle’s real information, his arrest history, stuff about his family, all about Kyle’s videos... how in the World does John know all this stuff about this guy unless he’s completely enamored with him? John claims people send him the vids/info, but that’s most likely untrue and even if they do, John still reads and watches it all. A random Youtuber like Kyle shouldn’t be a blip on the radar for a self-proclaimed comedy headliner with hundreds of mind-blowing accomplishments John had ready to list off.

Gonzo also got under John’s skin with a phone call after John said he paid $300 for his kids college tuition. John meant to say he paid $300 a month for years in child support but because he misspoke, Gonzo asked a fair question and John went off the rails about it.

John has to be the most thin-skinned individual in Kermit and Friends history, but you know what? That’s what makes him AWESOME! And the perfect Kermitarian. When an anonymous chatter with one little troll comment can send you on a 5 minute tirade... you’re pretty unique when you also believe you’re a mega celebrity.

Honestly, I could make this the longest blog I’ve ever written breaking down everything Stuttering John and Dr. Fernando had to say because it was all so entertaining and intriguing, but I’ll keep it to this point. Both guys were terrific in their own way. What makes Kermit and Friends so special is the contrast of having two very different guests like that and how Elisa perfectly handles them both.

If you’re reading this as a true KAF fan, Welcome Back, Dr. Fernando Featuring Stuttering John is the absolute perfect episode for you to show a friend if you want them to be one of Kermit’s friends along with you. Please do it!

[college-student-in-her-twenties]

My Main Takeaways from Attending a College-Level Writing Class as an Adult

Not everyone followed the classic graduate high school, pick a career when you are 18, go to college for four years, graduate, and get a job sort of path. Whether life got in the way, or you simply did not feel like college was for you – I want you to know that it is okay. Life is full of unconventional surprises, nothing goes according to plan, and sometimes you got to pave your own path.

With this in mind, and being in my twenties, I never pictured myself going to college. I love my job reached a point where I consider myself successful. I did not need an ounce of secondary education to get to where I am right now. But then there was a pandemic, and the world was upside down, and I started working from home. I had so much free time, and I realized I could attend college via Zoom. While I find online meetings absolutely dreadful, I thought to myself; I can get this “thing” over with. By “thing,” I am referring to getting a degree.

Fast forward, I applied to Florida International University, I got accepted, I was asked to pick out a major at age 23, I said business (I regret this, I am switching to something less math-centric), and there I was attending my first class. People usually say they feel a knot inside their throat when they are nervous. Well, I felt like I had 27 knots inside mine. While I only knew my classmates through an online realm, I was terrified. I have never been more afraid of 18-year-olds in my life. There was a voice inside my head shouting, “what if they realize I am older?”. They did realize I am older, not because of my looks, but because kids these days look up their classmates on Instagram and send them DM’s. Weird if you ask me, but hey, there were like one or two slightly older people like me in each class, and I felt a bit better about myself. As a slightly older generation, we have to get adjusted to change. Things are not the way we remember them; nobody takes notes in their notebooks anymore. Everyone brings their computer to class and uses an iPad with a journal app to take notes.

While there is so much you can learn online, college makes you step out of your comfort zone. Nothing like a good ole writing class to make you sit down and think about every single choice you have made in your entire life. While in the outside world, we all have access to Amazon books, Khan Academy, and sketchy PDF versions of texts, let’s be honest, none of us are reading them. Instead, my Writing & Rhetoric forcefully exposed me to so many narratives with points of view different from mine. The writing prompts of the class made me sit down and psychoanalyze the way I expressed myself. How my definition of language is rooted in my family’s culture and the places I lived in. As the kids these days say, I was “SHOOK.” While I do not think a person needs college to be successful in their professional life, college incites thinking. You have so many spaces dedicated to discussions and you get to receive feedback from professors who are the brightest people in their fields. As cliché as it sounds, you are forced to step out of your comfort zone.

Going back to why I personally decided to enroll, I required a serious change of pace. I needed to be exposed to other things; I was having a mini Eat, Pray, Love moment, okay? I was already doing all the eating by ordering all the Uber Eats all the time. It was time for that Pray moment; since I am not religious, the closest thing to a sermon that I will watch are TedTalks and god, did I have to watch those while in class. I had to listen to people that I would not typically want to listen to; I browse the internet all day, every day, and would not click on those talks if they popped up on my Youtube. Good thing I had a professor who made me listen to them. I learned so much. Did you know about the Sudani genocide? I did not.

Every assignment taught me something. Watching the Sudan Genocide TED Talk opened my eyes to so much. Not just the gory details of a mass tragedy, but the author explained how powerful sharing her trauma was to her. I thought she was inspiring, and then again, this is an example of a story I would have overlooked if I had not chosen to take this writing class. Now, for the sake of conciseness, I will list my main takeaways from the course. I want everyone reading this blog to also benefit from being exposed to different points of view and appreciate how they can make you a better writer.

Let’s get started.

Tip #1: Never stop writing. There is no such thing as a final draft, and there is something you can always work on or improve about your writing.

Most people do not think of themselves as “writers,” but anyone who can put words together and grab pen and paper are technically writers. What I learned throughout this class is that writing involves practice and dedication. While not everyone has hours and hours to devote to their writing, you can always make sure you at least re-read what you wrote down. Whether it is a text, a Tweet, or a cover letter, make sure to re-read. Even the most seasoned writers make minor spelling and grammar mistakes. Perhaps a sentence you wrote down made more sense in your head than it did on paper; fix it. You will improve your writing by a lot if you stop for a second and re-read.

As writer Richard Marius explains in his essay Writing Drafts, “Some writers cut up their first drafts with a pair of scissors. They toss some paragraphs into the trash; others they paste up with rubber cement in the order that seems most logical and coherent.” The writing process is different for all of us, but it will always involve some sort of re-writing. Adding, removing, or cutting up paragraphs and sentences. Finding new and improved words and expressions to give a better meaning to our thoughts. Writing is a messy yet beautiful process that I had forgotten about and that you probably have too. My advice to you, is to figure out a way to practice your writing. Whether it is starting a blog like this one, writing a letter to a friend, or finding a random essay prompt and writing an essay for yourself. The more you practice, the better you will get.

Tip #2: Embrace your identity. Everyone has a unique origin that makes them who they are. Whether it is your nationality, race, the languages you speak, where you grew up, or who you are surrounded by –make that a part of your writing—no more hiding your true colors.

Before this class, I rarely ever made a point to communicate my background through my writing. Every time I had something to write, I was as neutral as possible, which made my writing lack personality. Times have changed drastically in the last few years, and writing has become the ultimate way of self-expression. Do not be afraid to include cultural elements in your narratives, whether it is a word in your native language with no translation to English or expressions that are particular to your culture. Celebrate your heritage through your writing, and do not shy away from embracing who you indeed are. While I know you will not be writing a full-blown narrative about how your parents are immigrants, I recommend you put this tip into practice in your daily life. Perhaps include details about yourself on your next Instagram caption or Facebook status update. LinkedIn could be the perfect place to reflect about your heritage and the relationship it has with your profession. Your writing shall be a reflection of your true self.

Tip #3: Always keep your intended audience in mind. Make sure your writing suits the audience you are writing it for. Fix your tone, syntax, and structure to cater to the right audience and suit your genre.

This is such an essential tip! For example, when I am writing for my blog, I can say whatever I want and anything I feel. I can incorporate jokes and pop culture references. I can be as sarcastic as I want and as unapologetic as I feel on that given day. The same goes for my social media accounts and private conversations with friends. When writing a formal document, or cover letter that a potential employer would read, I would use a far more serious tone. I would shy away from jokes and opt for formal words. I would ensure my writing is sophisticated and concise. My goal would be to sound eloquent and respectful because I keep my intended audience, the potential employer, in mind.

Tip #4: Do not be afraid to get real. Feel free to write candidly about anything you want, whether it is a personal story or an issue you feel strongly about. Effective writing can help you tell your stories and effectively share your thoughts.

I struggle with this one a bit. While I can be personable and talkative, I am private about most things in life. Going back to the TED Talk about the Sudani woman, Emi Mahmoud, she convinced her audience and gave life to her poetry by opening up. If we did not know about her trauma, her words would not be as impactful. If you watch the conference, you will learn about the warplanes she could hear every morning while eating breakfast and how her hometown became a war zone. That is so impactful and heart-wrenching. Think of writing as a cathartic experience, it will allow you to release whatever experience is causing you trauma and allow you to connect your audience better. Writing about your experiences and who you are, makes you seem more human, which essential to communicate to an audience.

I genuinely hope you read through these tips and at least apply one of them to your writing. Before enrolling in college, I thought I was an excellent writer, and while I am probably not bad, I lacked depth. I did not sit down and think of the purpose of my writing and who I wanted to reach. I seldom opened up and did not let my writing embody who I am. Beyond the four tips stated above, my most important takeaway from this class is to be a fearless person and allow that to translate into my writing.

This philosophy can be applied to anything in life. For instance, if you want to go to college, do it. If you do not want to pick out your life at age 18, that is okay too. If you are 40, have kids, a job, a dog, and a mortgage, but feel like there are things you want to learn inside a classroom that Youtube cannot teach you, go to college! You mind your life, your choice. It is time for people to feel empowered to whatever they want at their own pace.

[yellowind-writes]

The great thing about Tumblr that makes it so nice for fandom is because you can do everything at once, sort of. You can post your fic here or share links to where it’s posted, you can have your meta posts, you can have your shit posts, really posts can be as long or short as you want them to be, you can have pictures/photo sets, and you can reblog other people’s content to collect and showcase the stuff you like to other people. The like page can be private and you can use it to show appreciation without reblogging. The draft function is also really nice and not something many other sites have, especially since you can draft not only original posts but other people’s posts. (Sometimes I’ll actually write directly into Tumblr and save the draft because I’m weird like that and it sometimes helps my writing blocks to use a different format or whatever than my computer program). Where as other sites either focus heavily on text or on very short and snippy interactions/images--Tumblr is really one of the only places you can truly be flexible with it and engage in the way you like.

Not only that but the ask function and the idea of sending fun asks to learn more about people in your fandom helps people to be friendly easier without it being as intimidating on other sites where it feels like you have to have a really really really good reason to contact someone and it’s hard to just...start an interaction. As well as given a rise to a new type of fandom content/interaction which is the request/headcanon blogs that are pretty popular, at least from what I’ve seen for reader-inserts. This is something that is unique to the platform, I feel, as other sites simply don’t have the key component: being able to send asks (especially anonymously).

The ability to have sideblogs is also really helpful as you can either have a main for personal or use them to split up fandoms or have one strictly for writing. And it’s really easy to use them simultaneously instead of having to have legit separate accounts you have to log in to.

I think there’s lots of problems with Tumblr but at the end of the day there’s a reason so many of us are still here and continue to use it despite the complaints. The complaints are because we like using Tumblr and want to stay here and not because we absolutely hate it. If we absolutely hated it then we would’ve left and not come back.

And as a side rant I really, really, really hate Twitter. It’s the worst. The word count is a sin against God. There’s too many “sponsored” Tweets that get shoved into your feed. Anitwitter was a mistake (it seems all the “but those characters aren’t gay” dudes went there). There’s...real...people? There? I’m sorry I don’t want to know what blue-check marked celebrity number whatever is up to or has to say. There are politicians on there? Gross. The marketing brand accounts? Hate those. It’s like all the bad things about social media but with none of the good. It has no redeeming qualities. It’s a cesspool of drama. Encouraging people to make short, “Hot Takes™” was a bad idea. It’s really only good if all your doing is liking and sharing fanart. Which you can already do here. And even then that won’t stop you from some random person you’ve never seen or heard of finding you somehow and thinking you’re the worst garbage to ever exist for literally no reason!

On Tumblr no one knows I exist and I kind of like it that way.

Honestly? People say this site is either terrible or dead or both but if you can find your own little niche and just like,,, have some common fucking sense and not interact with groups you don't like it's actually one of the easiest websites to make your own. Idk I significantly prefer the general concept, layout and vibe of this site and of my lil tumblr niche over other social media's. It's just not the same elsewhere??