#just sobbed my eyes out cuz i feel so unlovable

[sk3l3t0n1n]

ya boy is not mentally stable at the moment at all

[ilovebokutokoutaro]

𝗦𝘁𝗶𝗴𝗺𝗮

Oikawa x reader/ part 1 / part 2

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: 𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭, 𝐮𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞, 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭, 𝐧𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭, 𝐜𝐫𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭, 𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭, 𝐭𝐨𝐱𝐢𝐜 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐫 (𝐢 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐨𝐫𝐮 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐚 𝐟𝐟, 𝐢 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐡𝐞'𝐬 𝐭𝐨𝐱𝐢𝐜)

• • • • • • •

"𝐢 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐢 𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐢𝐦"

• • • • • • •

"it's not about me liking you" i sighed for the uptenth time and he seemed to get more frustrated as time passed by. "Stop making me feel like I'm always wrong" i mumbled and he sat back down on the couch with a long sigh.

"idk what you want. Ik you chose the wrong person to like-" i found myself cutting him off, slipping down the couch trying to calm myself down "it's. Not. About. Me. Liking. You." I cried again and he seemed to be more confused than when we started. "It's about how you expect me to understand you like every bit of you and I'm punished if i don't, you know" i muttered in a breathe and he was back at "I'm sorry you like me" and i felt like giving up.

"it's NOT ABOUT THAT. ITS ABOUT HOW YOU COMPARE ME WITH LITERALLY EVERYONE AROUND YOU. I'M NOT LIKE YOUR FRIENDS, I'M DUMB, SOMETIMES SENSITIVE AND I CAN'T- i can't always understand you like an open book and- and i can't always understand the fact you were just joking. I can't be her i can't be like your friends and i-idk I'm sorry?" I cried and i felt him stiffen a bit at the sudden outbreak.

How many times have i done this before, i feel like just- just unloving him now but only if it was THAT easy. "I'm just- okay i get it i sometimes am at fault. I get it i grew up in these past years and i did say things that may've hurt you in the past, but I'm trying so hard for you- so- why is it always her you praise? I'm sorry I'm sorry-" i found tears welling up in my eyes again and he sighed again, a bit shaky this time.

"I'm sorry for not being her tooru... I'm sorry but I'm here aren't i? Am i not always here for you when you're sad? So why do you always thank her for everything. Istg no one will be as patient with you as I'm. In the starting it was for you to like me back but then i just helped you out cuz i loved you so why?! Why her?! I'm not even asking you to love me back or stay with me but stop telling me to be- be her and telling me how all your friends are better than me. I'm not good enough for you and you don't have to slap it on my face everytime."

Seeing how i was sobbing at this point i wished he'd feel bad for me, i wished he would love me. I wished he'd treat me like a.....human. "I'm sorry, i get it. I can't love you back tho. I mean i love you a lot and i don't wanna lose you but not how you love me. I'm sorry for comparing you to them i won't anymore." He mumbled fiddling with his thumbs and i let out a shaky sigh, tears now flowing more freely. I wonder if he ever thought I'd cry in front of him.....afterall i was so strong with him.

A silence passed by and i felt like there was a storm building up inside me. And before i could think i was in his lap, my hands cupping his face as i cried. "I'm sorry tooru, I'm so sorry for being like this. Ik this is so wrong but why her? Why her? Why?!" I sobbed pushing him back on the headrest, my face inches away from him.

I was a coward, i always was. I was too embarrased to tell him i loved him romantically but i showed it way more than enough. I was getting tired of him pushing and pulling me in when he needed it. "Why does everyone tell me you like me? Why do you keep leading me on? why do you get jealous when I'm out with someone else? Why is it that you don't want to love me but you can't see me loving anyone else? I'm so tir-tired I'm so tired tooru. I'm giving up on you, I'm giving up on us. I'm slipping away and i can't seem to come back, why do you leave me alone? Why am i always forgotten? Why ugh why?"

I gasped out my forehead resting on his crying for the first time in ages only to tell him how much i was suffering....all alone and one part of me said he'd still not understand and i knew it. I was standing up with my knees on both side of his thighs and i hated the way he grasped my waist to keep me from falling.

"I'm so tired" i cried and he only looked at me, now crying himself. I could only wonder where it all went wrong.....maybe loving him was really a wrong choice....if it was a choice at that. "And I'm scared of how much you love me" he whispered and in a split second i was under him. My back twitching at the sudden impact. "Push me away if you don't want this" he sighed, leaning close and my heart tugged at me to move away, to push him to do anything to stop him because i knew he'd leave again and it'd be me hurting.

But my body seemed to think otherwise as he pressed his lips against mine, and it was as if something broke inside me. My tears dampening the hair behind my ear as his lips moved against mine. I should push him away i really should. But i couldn't as he grabbed my waist pulling me towards his chest.

And the sudden unfamiliar wet feeling on my cheek had me fluttering my eyes open. He was crying. But the kiss never ended as he pushed his hand beneath my head pulling me in to deepen the kiss as his tongue pushed against my bottom lip.

"it hurts" i cried pulling away from him, "my heart hurts so much tooru" i sobbed not daring to open my eyes and he shushed me with another kiss.

This time pushing in his tongue inside my mouth with an urgency. It hurt so....so much but i couldn't seem to stop. I hesitated for a second before my arms were circling his neck, pulling him in wishing I'd never have to let go. And then he pulled away, moving down to litter soft pecks against my neck, i couldn't comprehend when the small pecks turned into sucking and biting but they did and i felt my thoughts melting away.

My hands clenching against his shirt as a very familiar pain overcame my chest making me cry out and he stopped. A soft moan left my lips inbetween broken sobs as he pulled away from my neck with a lick against the bruise he managed to form.

I couldn't look at him i couldn't i couldn't. "I'm-" and i was cutting him off before he could speak "please don't say you're sorry" it was as if i knew his sorry was nothing but a goodbye and i wanted him to stay just for a bit more. "Love me please tooru" i sobbed finally turning my head to look at him, my neck throbbing at his hickies.

"why would you kiss me? It's just gonna hurt more when you leave." At that he sighed, softly smiling at me and all the ache inside my chest seemed to vanish as he leaned in again. "Then i won't" he whispered and i don't remember the last time i cried like this.

"you will" i groaned as he stroked my cheek, wiping off the excessive tears and he leaned down to kiss my forehead "i won't leave" he mumbled against my head and i felt like i could believe him just once again. "Make it stop hurting" i huffed as his lips were back to nibbling against my earlobe.

And he sighed in my neck letting me know he heard me..........but i wonder if he really did. A part of me still picked at me to throw him out of my door before he slipped my shirt up my arms but his soft sighs had the complaints melting away.

"can i?" He asked and i felt my breathe hitching, and then i nodded. Whch resulted into where I'm now, eyes welling up with tears as he pushed himself inside me. "A-ah tooru it hurts" i found myself pushing at his bare chest, his cock pressing against everything inside me and he shushed me down pulling my hips up to rest a pillow under them. The angle had him reaching deeper and i cried, throwing my head back, my vision getting foggy.

"I'm- ah please" i cried as he moved against me, arching my back to press my bare chest against his. "Agh so tight" he huffed, one of his hand came to pull mine away with a surprising force, and as he pinned one of my hand above my head his hips seemed to pick up pace.

His other hand grasped at my hips hard enough to leave marks and i gasped, i couldn't keep up with his thrusts, my toes curling at the mind numbing pleasure.

"ah-hah" i panted as his lips attached themselves back on my neck his hand leaving mine to grab my hips to land a sharp thrust and my mouth dropped open to let out a loud cry. "Tooru- please ah- no- hah" i cried, my head pushing against the handrest of the couch at the strength if his thrusts.

"I'm close- ah mhm so good" he huffed near my ear making me clench down on him to which he chuckled darkly. Tears never seemed to come to an end as he pulled me up walking towards my bedroom in an urgency.

Before i could think he had me on my knees, slamming his cock back inside, my eyes windening at the sudden penetration, my back arched as my hands trembled making my upper body fall down on the bed and i could hear him let out a shaky laugh from behind.

His hand came down to press my head into the mattress as he pulled himself out just untill the tip remained inside then slammed himself back inside, knocking the air out of my lungs. Too deep...too deep......."Too- too deep hngh i-i can't" i huffed, my words falling on deaf ears as he fastened his pace.

I couldn't take it- i can't. "Too much tooru please- ah slow- ha ugh- slow down" he was reaching inside so deep with every thrust as if abusing his power over me. I could faintly remember him cleaning me up before dressing himself up before everything went black.

The next morning was worse, as much as i wanted to cry out my body seemed to numb all my emotions down. I woke up before the alarm went off, standing up on shaky legs. My lower body throbbed in pain with every step i took but i was too tired to think about it anymore.

"a hot shower may help" i wondered and before i knew it i was all dressed up and in the college campus. "I was going to skip today" i mumbled to myself but kept walking to the class. Not surprised to see oikawa walking hand in hand with my friend. "Finally started dating ig......right after ruining my guts" i laughed and watched as he turned his gaze away from me as if avoiding me would change what happened last night.

"won't leave, my fucking ass" i grumbled after congratulating my friend on finally dating oikawa. Maybe this was for better, i knew he won't come back anymore and i wasn't planning to chase him. I was slowly walking away from the hell hole he trapped me in. I was slowly moving on....moving away and it really doesn't hurt anymore. Maybe it'll tomorrow or day after it or a few months after today. Maybe I'll cry again but for now i was over him....over me loving him.

-------------

Thank you for 99 followers I'm so happy omg😭😭😭😭😭 i love you all sm. Thank you for reading 🥰🥰💜💜 also this is my first smut ever LIKE EVER so i hope you all won't judge the messy description 😭✋.

[jjmaebank]

wish you were gay - jj maybank

A/N: So I wrote this based off my own first heartbreak haha fun! Yeah fr, this all comes from the heart and I literally poured my real emotions and experience into this so it’s really special to me. The song ‘wish you were gay’ by Billie Eilish just reminds me of it cuz I listened to it on repeat getting over it and I related to it. If you haven’t heard it I highly recommend! Also italics are flashbacks!

Summary: you and JJ had something you thought was real, you fell for him and you thought he’d fallen for you too, but this becomes an evident lie as he makes a rash decision that ends in disaster.

Warnings: angst, heartbreak

Words: 1,802

+

Heartbreak. Heartbreak is a perpetual feeling that something bad is about to happen. It’s grief, fur-lined with fear that joy has forever escaped you, that there will be no happily ever after for you. Heartbreak is a tightness in your chest; it makes air feel like razor blades moving through you. It’s waking up in the morning and having three seconds where you don’t remember, and those three seconds will be the only part of the day where the dread doesn’t sit and fester in your gut.

Heartbreak was what you were feeling. After a full day of acting alright, like everything was fine and going back to normal, you’d go home and cry. You’d cry until your body was physically exhausted, to the point where you had no tears left, to the point where your face was sore. You’d cry until you felt physically and emotionally drained and then you would just lay in your bed staring up at your blank ceiling, basking in your own self-pity.

What had gone so terribly wrong? You couldn’t wrap your head around it even weeks afterwards. It kept you up at night, gnawed at you incessantly, played in the back of your mind constantly. Were you unlovable? Were you never going to be good enough for anyone? Why was it that everyone you let in pushed you away, abandoned you as soon as you let your guard down?

+

You and JJ were lying on John B’s couch after a night of partying, the both of you still a little drunk. You were wrapped up in his arms as he stroked your hair and placed sweet kisses on your forehead. You looked up at him in adoration and placed your hands on his bare chest.

“(y/n),” he said nervously, meeting your gaze.

“Yes?” You smiled, his anguish causing your heart rate to quicken.

“I’ve just been thinking, like…we’ve been messing about for a while now…and I guess I uh don’t really know what we are, but I know that I um…like you, like a lot…” he blabbered, removing his hand from you waist to scratch the back of his neck.

You continued staring at him, your mouth curling up in a smile as you felt him squirm underneath you as he tried to pluck up the courage to say what he’d been meaning to for weeks now.

“I guess…I uh guess this is me asking whether you wanna go out with me?” He asked, avoiding eye contact, too scared to see your reaction.

You grabbed his chin gently and tilted his head down to look at you.

“You want me to be your girlfriend?” You smiled. You’d wanted to hear those words for a while now.

“I- uh, yeah,” he replied nervously.

“Well then, yes,” you grinned, watching his eyes widen and his cheeks go crimson.

“Yes? As in yes you want to be my girlfriend?” He stuttered.

“What else would I be saying yes to you dumbass,” you chuckled, making him go red.

He pulled you into a tighter embrace, his whole being consumed by joy.

“Thank god,” he gasped, “that shit was scary.”

+

You remembered that night clearly, you’d never been so elated. The confusion and uncertainty between the two of you completely erased as you finally confessed your feelings for one another. You’d never felt so good in your life. You loved him, you hadn’t told him that yet, but he wanted you to be his girlfriend and that was enough for you at the time. You finally got the clarity you needed, that he was yours and you were his and nothing would change that…or so you thought.

It didn’t take long for things to go south between you and JJ, perhaps a little over a month. One of the best months of your life soon turned into the worst, all in one night.

+

“What is up with you?” You yelled at JJ. He’d been ignoring you all week, coming up with excuses not to see you and avoiding your texts and calls.

“I’ve just been busy, alright!” He yelled back, his voice laced in frustration. He was keeping something from you.

“Bullshit, J! You’re not too busy for John B, for Pope, for Kie! You’re apparently only too busy for me!” You shouted. “What aren’t you telling me?”

JJ sighed and sat down on John B’s couch, running his hands through his messy hair.

“Did I do something?” You whispered, sitting down across from him.

“No…no…” JJ shook his head, staring down at the wooden floorboards.

“Then what is it?” You pleaded, your voice threatening to crack at any moment. “Why don’t you talk to me anymore?”

“I fucked up (y/n)…” JJ said, finally looking up at you. His eyes showed pity, guilt even.

Your heart felt like it had sunk to your feet. What did he mean he fucked up? Had he cheated? A million thoughts raced through your mind as you processed his words.

“W-what do you mean?” You stuttered, your heart now beating at a speed you didn’t know to be humanly possible.

“I lied to you (y/n),” his lip trembled; he was holding himself back from crying. You’d only seen JJ cry once, after telling you about his father, so it scared you that he was showing signs of it again.

“You lied? What do you mean you lied, JJ?” You asked, your voice raised yet still shaky.

“I told you I wanted you to be my girlfriend,” he stated, his eyes still glazed with guilt.

Your breath hitched as you took in his words. Out of the million things that had crossed your mind, this was not one of them.

“I’m so sorry, (y/n), I really thought I wanted this…” he continued, his voice strained. “We had a lot of fun and I really like hanging out with you, but I just…I can’t do this…us…”

You felt sick. You felt a sob making its way up your throat as you felt your heart breaking, shattering into tiny pieces.

“So this was all a lie?” You choked, “I never meant anything to you?”

You could see the hurt in his eyes seeing what he’d done to you.

“I’m so, so sorry (y/n),” he shook his head, “I never meant to hurt you.”

“Bullshit!” You stood up from your seat, tears streaming down your face. “You don’t just fuck with someone’s feelings on accident!”

“We were drunk (y/n)!” JJ stood up. “I thought I knew how I felt, but I didn’t and I’m sorry! I was wrong okay? Fuck! I was wrong!”

“Alcohol doesn’t give you feelings for someone out of the blue, JJ,” you cried, “so you must’ve lied that night. You must’ve lied right to my face when you told me you liked me! When you told me you wanted me to be yours!”

You could barely see through your tear coated eyes and the taste of salt stung your lips.

JJ simply stood there in silence, shame overcoming him. He knew he was an idiot and he hated himself for it. He cared for you, he really did, but he knew leading you on anymore would just hurt you more than he already had.

“I just don’t think I’m a relationship type of guy (y/n)…I’ve tried but I can’t be the guy you want me to be… I’m sorry…” he sighed, sticking his hands into the pockets of his cargo shorts, biting his lip and sniffling.

“To think I was going to tell you I loved you…” you muttered, wiping your tears with the back of your hand.

JJ’s eyes widened at your confession, “(y/n)…I-”

“Save it, JJ,” you interrupted, “You’ve made it very clear how you feel.”

“I’m so sorry, so fucking sorry,” he mumbled, letting a single tear slip down his cheek.

“I really hope you are,” you cried grabbing your stuff, “and I hope that you never do this to anyone ever again.”

+

JJ Maybank had broken your heart, that was a fact. The first boy to make you feel wanted, worthy, was the same to absolutely ruin you. You spent countless nights crying yourself to sleep, blaming yourself for what had happened, convincing yourself that you could never be loved. You had to spend time away from the pogues at first, you couldn’t bear to see JJ, you wouldn’t let him see what he’d done to you just. For him to pity you.

You were so embarrassed by what had happened that you longed to blame it on anything other than the truth, the truth that JJ simply didn’t love you and he never would. But what hurt the most was thinking that he could have. The time you spent together felt so real that you couldn’t comprehend how he could discard it with such ease, just pretend like it had never even happened. He’d given you a taste of the happiness you’d craved so dearly and then ripped it away from you in the blink of an eye, that’swhat hurt the most.

What a fool you were, thinking a boy notorious for one night stands and meaningless hook ups could ever settle down permanently with the likes of you. You dreamed of being the one who he came to when he was sad, of being the first person he confided in after a beating from his father, but that’s all it was, a dream. He hardly let you in, despite your many efforts. The truth was you weren’t the first thing he thought of when he woke up, or the last thing before he fell asleep. He didn’t fantasise about your lips and the way it felt to kiss you, or how it felt to hold you or hear you laugh; he took you for granted.

You wished you could have been that girl in the movies, the girl that gets the player to change his ways and fall for her, the girl that makes him never want to be with anyone else ever again, but you weren’t her and you never would be.

+

A/N: whoooosh I haven’t written in a good 2 weeks or something so idk there you have it

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