#just put the keyboard down sometimes before you attack another person ok?

[britneyshakespeare]

what is incredibly annoying about the internet is that someone's argumentative-toned political vent post can circulate to a few hundred or thousand people and be generally agreed with by people seeing their broader point, and then be screenshotted and circulated again by ppl who mostly also saw it the first time around, but it's vituperatively disagreed with while picking apart the original post's wording to imply that the original poster meant something particularly stupid or wrong when what is being attacked is not the actual point.

[the-seas-song]

Richard Armitage and Astrology

Hi! I find astrology fascinating, and am an armchair expert on it myself, so I found Richard's comments in his recent Total Film Magazine interview very interesting. This is what he said:

I’ve been incredibly lucky. I’ve dabbled with having my celestial chart looked at every couple of years, just for a little tune-up. Every time, the guy sighs, and goes, “What can I say? You’ve just got a sprinkle of luck.” And I say, “That’s good, because I don’t have the talent, so I really need the luck!”

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There is a naughty, dark side to me. I am quite strongly affected by the moon. So if there’s a full moon I’ll go a bit crazy. (source)

This isn't the first time Richard's mentioned astrology – he's mentioned being a Leo, reading his daily horoscope, and finding out he was born in the Chinese Year of the Pig; but these were all informal twitter comments. He has also mentioned the effect the moon has on him before, in February 2020:

“Everyone has cycles of positive mental and emotional feelings and negative mental and emotional feelings and I know that I am profoundly affected on a monthly cycle. I always look at the calendar when I'm feeling particularly low and check the lunar cycle to see if it's a full or new moon.” (source)

However, what prompted me to write this is that Richard's personal put-downs were even more direct here than usual; and the connection that has to his natal, or birth, chart.

A little disclaimer: Personally, I think general horoscopes (like the ones you find in magazines) do far more harm than good. They are based solely on the twelve sun signs, and your sun sign is just one puzzle piece out of 25+ pieces that make up your natal chart. This is why many people don't relate to their horoscope or it's personality description.

Your natal chart, however, is a whole different animal. It's an intricate puzzle created by the exact date, time, and location you were born; which is why most people find their natal charts to be scarily accurate.

Back during the Hobbit days, a fan blog reported that Richard told a NZ fan that his birth time was just after 4 a.m. I used 4:05 for this post, and being off by a few minutes doesn't really make a difference.

Richard and self-esteem

I really feel for and relate to Richard's self-esteem struggles, because our charts mirror each other. We are both Leo suns; but I have my moon in Aries with my MC and Chiron conjunct each other in Virgo and sextile my North Node; while Richard has his moon in Virgo with his MC and Chiron conjunct each other in Aries and sextile his North Node.

What on earth does that mean?

Each planet represents a different part of you. The sun represents your ego/conscious self; the moon your emotions, mercury your mind/intellect, venus love and beauty/aesthetics, mars passion and drive, etc.

On top of the twelve planets, there are specific points and asteroids that are also important. Your MC, or Midheaven, represents your career and public persona. Your North Node describes your inner journey and life purpose. The asteroid Chiron describes your major soul wound, that you will be forced to deal with throughout your life.

A conjunction and a sextile are two of several different kinds of aspects. The different kinds of aspects are the different ways your respective puzzle pieces can interact with each other. Some are 'easy/positive' and some 'difficult/negative'. A sextile is considered easy/positive. A conjunction means two things are next to each other and overlap with one another, and is usually considered positive.

Leo and Aries are both fire signs. Fire signs are generally playful, warm, passionate, confident, and optimistic. Virgo is an earth sign. Earth signs are generally practical, grounded, sensual, and logical.

Richard's personality is dominated by an almost equal amount of Leo and Virgo influence, with both his sun (core self) and venus (love and beauty) in Leo and his moon (emotions) and mercury (mind) in Virgo.

Aries and Virgo are said to be the most difficult Chiron signs, because they are the wounds tied directly to your self-worth (Aries is the wound of Self and Virgo is the wound of Perfection). With Aries Chiron you feel a core sense of worthlessness, like you're missing a fundamental piece of your core self. This deeply felt lack of self-worth leads people to be people pleasers and have issues with confrontation and conflict.

Aries rules the planet mars. It is the warrior planet of passion, drive, and combat. A conventional Aries is confident, outgoing, impulsive, and strong willed. Aries and mars are definitely the rowdiest sign and planet in the zodiac. However, with Chiron here the traits are inverted, and so someone like Richard is much more likely to be scared of his inner passion, confidence, and willpower – depending, of course, on what the rest of his chart is like.

That leads us to Virgo. Chiron Virgo feels impure, like there is something fundamentally wrong with them. This kind of low self-esteem makes you feel like you have to constantly try to 'fix' yourself so people will love and accept you. It's an OCD type of perfectionism that only ends in failure and heartbreak.

A good example of how this works is when I talked to my therapist recently. I hadn't quite succeeded in meeting my goals, and so my automatic response was to condemn myself for failing. My therapists immediate response was to congratulate me on how much progress I had made.

Ironically, unlike with Aries, this isn't an inversion of the conventional Virgo. Conventional Virgo is meticulous, detail-oriented, focused, patient, efficient, practical, perfectionistic, systematic, and pessimistic with high expectations. If Aries is the official warrior of the zodiac, Virgo is the official nit-picker.

This means that Richard's subconscious intellectually (mercury) and emotionally (moon) expects and demands perfection, whilst simultaneously feeling fundamentally worthless. In short: ouch.

Interestingly, a significant number of celebrities have their Chiron conjunct their MC. Personally, I think Richard hit the nail on the head as to why in his essay on the Human Condition for Cybersmile:

The answer in my humble opinion, (and believe me it is humble, to a point of taking 43 years to be shared) is actually something which applies to my work as an actor. It’s why sometimes actors are called in to work with therapists, in large corporations, in schools. It’s why drama therapy is fantastic to understand what we do, how we do it and what the outcome might be, and in an improvisation where we aren’t playing ourselves sometimes we explore avenues that are too frightening or unacceptable in our own lives.

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So going back to my very first point, the “social media society” in which we’d all like to feel safe, supported, excited, creative, spontaneous, innovative, courageous, is really in our own hands. And back to acting, it’s taken me a long time to shake off the effects of bullying in school. That people were always laughing behind my back. I was always looking out of the corner of my eye. I now have incredible peripheral vision which is so useful, (as is Kinesthetic sense…Google it) but try being a brave, experimental, uninhibited actor with all of those hang ups. Wasn’t happening.

So here is the thing, and it’s key to my work and I think ours as a community. When we speak or write, we ultimately desire to ‘affect’. If we aren’t watching the destination of that affect, then how do we know our words have landed and the ‘effect’ they have caused?

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If I have a strong opinion about something which I want to express I really task myself with backing it up with the ‘why do I feel that?’

Again it’s part of my work building a believable character, and actually part of building a believable ‘me’ outside of my work. Just.. “because that’s what I feel” is a bit of a cop out.

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As for Bullying, it’s like the moment the pot boils over, or it’s the poisoned stream that can’t be cleansed, so why bother. Well I think that’s what art is for. It’s can support the best and the worst of ourselves. We can ‘attack’ a canvas with black angry paint, we can ‘savage’ a piano keyboard, we can dance until we drop, we can read about a Puritan society who executed elders, we can explore the psychology of a serial killer, and when we can’t do this ourselves we can experience it, and witness it through others.

It’s more than being nice. Edward Munch’s “The Scream” is far from nice. Francisco Goya’s “Saturn” is horrific, Metallica, Die Antwoort etc etc. But then there is Monet, Faure, Renée Fleming, Peter Jackson, Ariana Grande (ok it’s getting a bit eclectic I admit) but when we look, listen and empathize, we tune in to the Human Condition.

We are all part of The Human Condition, whether we like it or not. Social Media. Expression. The Human Condition.

Us human beings are wired for emotion and connection. For actors, their career gives them a way to safely process and explore their personal wounds through the characters they play. For Richard in particular, his mars is conjunct his North Node. So, his mars and North Node are sextile his Chiron and MC.

Remember, Aries (the sign of Richard's Chiron and MC) is ruled by mars. Mars is the warrior planet, like Aries is the warrior sign. This means that Richard's spiritual journey/life's purpose (North Node) deals directly with healing his soul wound so he can accept and embrace his inner confidence and willpower. This explains why he ends up playing a lot of ultra-masculine characters – mars/Aries are the most macho of them all.

This isn't to say I think Richard should change who he is! I wouldn't be interested in him if he was ultra-masculine or macho. However, for his own sake, I would be overjoyed to see him gain more self-esteem and inner confidence.

Extrapolating from my own personal experiences, the constant criticism and judgement I received during my adolescence from my peers and various authority figures (like family members and teachers) for being unconventional and 'over the top' caused me to turn on myself and repress my passion and will-power for several years. I think it's highly likely that Richard experienced this too.

Here are some quotes from Richard that illustrate everything I've been talking about (emphasis is mine):

Armitage is still notably handsome, but, within minutes of meeting him, it’s apparent how incongruous it is that this bookish, sensitive, self-described ‘melancholic, philosophically-minded softie’ and ardent fan of The Great British Bake Off was cast as beefcake killer totty for a considerable part of his career. ‘It’s ridiculous. It’s the complete opposite to who I am. I’m such a pacifist,’ he laughs. ‘But then, part of me always felt: “Well, isn’t that why we’re actors?”

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'I think the turning point was losing my mum,” he says. “Up until that point, I felt like I mustn’t put a foot wrong, that if I said the wrong thing or revealed too much about my personal life, it could all come crashing down, and it would come down on my parents, and they wouldn’t be proud of me anymore.” He shrugs. “Now that I’m past that I’m actually much more carefree about the choices I make.” (source)

Richard Armitage puts his head in his hands and emits a noise that's somewhere between a sigh, a laugh and a groan. “Oh no! Why would you want to pin this up?” he says with a horrified whisper.

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Never has a man seemed more ill at ease with the heartthrob label. He squirms with embarrassment in his chair every time the subject comes up. He is grateful for the loyalty of his fans, he says, but worries that “there is this thing of, 'Is he just totty?' Because the industry will sometimes write you off as a serious actor if they think that. I have always been conscious of that and fought against it, because I don't really see myself like that at all.”

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This brings us back to Astrov, who looks so relentless towards the future that he can't see the truth in front of his eyes. “It's interesting that he's an outsider in the play. I've often felt like that myself in life. I'm quite a solitary person. I enjoy my time with me, and sometimes it's not necessarily healthy, because I can talk myself into quite a dark place.

I'm an optimist, but at the same time, there's a discipline in me that will attack me for not working hard enough, not achieving enough, not being good enough. You always think, 'I'll grow out of that. With success, those voices will disappear.' But they don't, they get louder. I suppose I'm learning a bit about myself through Astrov.” (source)

The answer in my humble opinion, (and believe me it is humble, to a point of taking 43 years to be shared) is actually something which applies to my work as an actor. … And back to acting, it’s taken me a long time to shake off the effects of bullying in school. That people were always laughing behind my back. I was always looking out of the corner of my eye. I now have incredible peripheral vision which is so useful, (as is Kinesthetic sense…Google it) but try being a brave, experimental, uninhibited actor with all of those hang ups. Wasn’t happening. (Human Condition essay)

So I kind of travelled on that line for a while, and I was bullied for it as well. The problem with me is that as soon as you try to push me down or say “you can’t do this” and “I don’t think you should do that”, I immediately push back. So I did – I’d decided really young that I was going to try to make a career out of it.

[cut]

Actually, there was something I wanted to add to what Shaun said, about inclusivity, is that um, no matter how – how much confidence you have or how, in my case, lack. Y’know, I always felt like a misfit, or an oddball, or that I didn’t belong. But I always – I always told myself that ‘you exist in the world, so therefore there’s a place for you in this industry’. I think anybody who feels like, “I can’t become an actor because…” – you exist. And, y’know, the job of filmmakers is to write about our life and society, and if you are a part of that, then there’s a place for you in the industry. (source)

I'm a bit of a brooder. I don't like confrontation, so I think I suppress things. When my temper does come out, it goes all the way – the kind of temper you can't apologize for. Yep, the chair getting thrown out of the window. Those emotions are scary, but hey, they come in useful when you're acting. (source)

Armitage is a noticeably calm presence but he talks with passion.

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In the past, he has described himself as a shy person. “Not any more,” he says forcefully. “I mean… if I’m very, very honest, I’m a big guy, I think I’m at times quite a frightening person.”

In what way?

“I think I’m quite uncompromising. I can’t bear bulls---. And in a way the shyness is me protecting other people from that. I can feel that there’s an intimidation that can happen if I own my full height, and speak at my full volume. So I’ve learned over the years to just tone it all down a bit.” (source)

I've become one of those actors who find it difficult to say no when things are offered. I think if I had come out of drama school and been an instant Hollywood superstar I would be taking long, leisurely holidays. But I always feel somehow it's going to be taken away from me so I work when I can. When you struggled with work as I did when I left drama school you make hay when the sun shines. There was a time when I thought, and my agent thought, it wasn't going to happen for me. We both sat down and I actually said I don't know if I can stay in this state. The interesting roles have only come since I got into my 30s. But I didn't know that was going to happen. I'm a bit of an all or nothing kind of guy. To be honest, I had no blind faith in myself. I don't think I could have stayed around as a jobbing actor. I would probably have quit. Who knows? I think I would have found that too frustrating. But at the moment when I thought I was going to quit, something happened and it all changed again. (source)

[talking about being cast in the Hobbit]

There was a little bit of guidance as to what they were looking for. I felt that I was too young for the character, too tall for that character, so I thought, you know, ‘I’ll just look at the scene they’ve written’. And then I realised the essence of the character that they were aiming for. So I went to meet Peter and Phillipa and we read some of the scenes. I think we spent an hour-and-a-half talking about the character and what their vision was, and I sort of explained who I thought he was, and that was it.

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Yeah, my first instinct, whenever that kind of thing happens, is to say, 'Well what's wrong with the part? Why did nobody else want it'? Which is kind of the story of my life really. When I get offered something, I'm like, 'Well there must be something wrong with it if they're offering it to me!'

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But you know, the thing is, you talk about all of this: ‘How did you get the role? And how did it feel when you got the role?’ And once all that’s died down you start to think, ‘I’ve actually got to go and play this now’. They’ve trusted me. Everyone’s happy, everyone’s celebrated, the phones have gone down and the deal’s been done. Now it’s over to me to make the role work. And that’s the scariest moment, because you do have that elation and then the work begins and you think, ‘How the hell am I going to do this?’ (source)

How was it for you taking on this beloved role, this character that has such a huge responsibilty on his back? Could you relate in some ways?

Richard Armitage: Yeah. There is always building within him this paranoia that he’s not a good enough leader, and that weighs him down. I have experienced that same feeling as an actor in this role. And I was aware of taking on the responsibility of that character, so there was something I could latch onto there, as one of the people who loved ‘The Hobbit’ book and had envisioned that character. It took me a while to be convinced that I could do it, it wasn’t until I saw some sketches, this one particular pencil sketch….there was something about this characters eyes and the way that his hands are crossed, I thought, “I think I can do this, I can pull this off.” (source)

Q: I wanted to ask you about what your Arkenstone is. For you personally.

A: Me personally?

Q: And I meant for this to be materialistic. What's the thing that you covet so much that it makes you mad that you don't have it?

A: Well, it's actually not material. It's not material, and it's – (laughs) You want a comedy answer, don't you? But it's respect. It's the thing that always eludes you, you know. You have to fight for it and when you get it, your arkenstone, the thing that crowns you, is respect.

Q: And also a sweater.

A: And a sweater. I do have this little natty number.

Q: It's a good one man.

A: Tom Ford made this personally. But hey, he can have it back. I don't covet wealth and material. (source)

Q6: You’ve done a variety of different roles, I wonder what influences you to pursue those roles?

R: More often than not, you go where you’re wanted. So getting hired is still kind of a revelation to me, a shock and a surprise. Sometimes you have very flat periods, where I don’t really care what comes next, I just want to work on something. I feel like I’ve got a little cloud of luck over my head so the right thing always seems to come along. But again, I’m easily excited about literature and stories, so I’ve always said I don’t really pursue glory, I’d happily do acting for two people in my living room if it was a role that I really enjoyed with a story I’d really like to tell. So it’s chance, I would say.

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Q8: Once in an interview about Thorin, you were asked what your arkenstone was and your answer was respect. I like this answer a lot. So I was wondering what’s your red dragon? As you said yesterday he’s a character who sheds his skin, improves, and becomes something. I was wondering if there was something you’d like to improve, become?

R: I guess the antithesis of that is disrespect. Do you mean in myself?

Q8: Yes.

R: Yeah I try not to be too disrespectful. I guess I value the truth. I think we’re living at a time at the moment where the truth is warped and there’s a word that’s been in my head for a long time, and particularly recently it’s come to the surface. When I was studying Macbeth, at the RSC, I read a long thesis about the gunpowder plot, which was one of the things they thought that Shakespeare (or whoever Shakespeare was) was stimulated by to write Macbeth. And the word equivocation was used in this thesis, it was actually about equivocation and what equivocation is. And if you look it up in the dictionary, at the moment most politicians are equivocating. When you don’t answer a question, or you bend the truth to make it seem like you are answering the question, and in fact you’re telling a lie. So I would say my red dragon would be equivocation.

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Then there was the physical form that I was studying and observing, but also, I do sometimes enjoy locking myself away in a room and reading a book or just doing something alone, and you sometimes can go a couple of days without speaking to anybody. I don’t know whether anyone else experiences this or whether I’m just a weirdo. But I find that when that happens my voice changes, and I always forget how to make a noise, I have to do a warm-up before I go into the world and start speaking again.

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Q15: I was wondering if you ever had to pull out of a project because it felt wrong or something, and what is the point where you say “nope I can’t do this”?

R: Um, no. But that’s partly to do with the fact that I have a lot of loyalty, probably too much loyalty for my own good, really, and there’ve been moment when I’ve been on board a project, and actually it happened this year with The Lodge, I was already on board that project and something else came along which was bigger and better and brighter and more money, and your agent says “look we can pull you out of The Lodge, they can probably recast it,” and here I think “I’ve already started this process, I don’t want to let people down,” and I don’t have a problem with that at all, I never have any regrets over the things that you miss or the things that you decide not to do, I think there’s a strong enough reason why you’ve decided not to do it, but in general no I haven’t ever pulled out of something. There was one television show I remember, I’m not going to say what it is, but after the first readthrough, I did call my agent and asked, “can I get out of this?” And then he quickly got back to me and said, “don’t do it. Don’t build a reputation built on disloyalty.” So I try not to.

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Q18: I think you are very handsome, but your character Francis hated the way he looked, how did that make you feel?

R: Francis hated the way he looked? Yeah. I guess there is something we relate to in that. Without getting too personal, I don’t always enjoy looking at myself in the mirror. I don’t do it very often, to be honest. I do it just to be sure I don’t have food on my face. I do it in character, actually. I do spend a bit of time studying my own face when I’m playing a character, which is interesting because your face does change. (source)

He cannot see the handsomeness: “I think I am odd-looking. I have big lines on my forehead.” I squint, looking for them, but he is talking over me, sounding slightly panicked. “I shouldn’t draw attention to it, because then everyone else will see the oddness.”

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Laziness is what makes him angry: “Laziness in myself. Laziness in other people. And dishonesty. All things I feel capable of myself. I have a propensity to be lazy and lie about it. Fear makes me rageful. There are words in The Crucible I actually find it quite hard to say.” I beg for an example — The Crucible is in the public domain. “No,” he says, “you’ll see it in the play.” I tell him it will make no sense in print if he will not tell me. But he won’t. So I change the subject. It works. “OK, I will give you a line.” He inflates a little and says: “Is there no good penitence but it be public?” And then: “Were I stone I would have cracked for shame this seven month.” (source)

Q: How would you describe your evolution as an actor since you started?

A: I think everything has to do with the fact that today I’m not afraid anymore. At first, I was embarrassed to do something wrong or do things badly or make myself ridiculous. Today, I am almost looking for opportunities to be ridiculous or vulnerable or to make as much of a mistake as possible. In a sense, it’s now the opposite of being undercover.

Q: Are you the actor you dreamed of being when you started?

A: Not yet. I am not yet fearless enough. It’s in waves, actually. But I have already approached this dream. There were moments, especially during Arthur Miller’s The Crucible, which I performed on stage, where I felt I had no control over things. That’s what I’m looking for: to lose control.

Q: You often play bad guys. What do you like in these characters?

A: I like disobedience. I like the fact that you can be disobedient thanks to your creativity. As a person, I must always be polite in life, be careful and correct so as not to hurt anyone. In a fantasy world, I can be as offensive as I want. It’s an outlet. (Laughter)

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Q: Many actors are moving to directing. Is this also your goal?

A: I would like to, but I do not think I’m smart enough. I am good when it comes to working with another’s vision. I do not think I have that creative spontaneity that creates a vision from scratch. But the future will tell. (source)

I applaud Richard for being so open and direct about his fears and insecurities. It takes a lot of bravery to do so. And while I've seen some fans get annoyed with his continual self-deprecation, I think his honesty and openness is much more significant, and shows his inner strength. He doesn't try to pretend to be someone he's not.

He recently described himself as “patient, obsessive, and silly” (source). The patient part is classic Virgo, and the obsessive part comes from an element of his natal chart that I have not mentioned.

The silly part, however, is classic Leo. Like I said above, he has an almost equal amount of Leo and Virgo in his personality. Personally, I'm proud to be a Leo, but I also know we get misunderstood a lot of the time. I wrote the following for an essay of mine on Leos in Disney:

Your sun sign represents your core identity. Just like the physical sun is the center of the solar system and its energy creates life, the astrological sun is our consciousness and life force. Each of the twelve sun signs are ruled by a different planet and element.

Since Leo is the fixed fire sign, we don't inherit the reckless and impulsive nature of fire, but instead are a steady flame. No sign is more reckless and impulsive than Aries, because they have the double combination of being a cardinal sign and a fire sign. Meanwhile, all four of the fixed signs struggle with stubbornness and admitting when their wrong.

Leo's are well known to be natural leaders and the rulers of the zodiac. We are ruled by the sun and our animal is the lion. We dream big and are born with big personalities, and we can't help but be theatrical and dramatic. This means we are always self-centered in the sense of being strong-willed and having a strong sense of self. It does not mean all Leos are egotistical.

Unhealthy Leo traits all revolve around the ego: attention-seeking, egotistical, selfish, bossy, controlling, pushy, jealous, possessive, lazy, vain, arrogant, aggressive, and obstinate.

Healthy Leos, however, are known for our fire-based traits – being animated, theatrical, happy, outgoing, independent, competitive, charismatic, creative, open-minded, open-hearted, confident, assertive, playful, warm, social, courageous, idealistic, affectionate, romantic, optimistic, and adventurous.

What isn't often talked about is our steadiness, our fixed-based traits. Leos are authentic, steadfast, fiercely loyal and protective, consistent, persistent, full-hearted, dedicated, need to do their best, generous and selfless, honorable and moral, genuine and direct, extremely supportive, hard-working and responsible, dignified, strong-willed, and ambitious and determined.

Something that is often mentioned but highly misunderstood is our trait of courage. Having courage doesn't mean you're fearless or reckless. The definition of courage is “the power or quality of dealing with or facing danger, fear, pain, etc.” It means that instead of running away from our problems or denying our emotions; healthy Leos face them and be genuine and direct with ourselves, embracing our vulnerability.

Having a big personality doesn't necessarily mean someone has a big ego. C.S. Lewis once said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.” Leos have huge hearts and are incredibly generous. The sun never goes retrograde, always shines, and gives life and energy to all living beings – it isn't selective or discriminatory. Healthy Leos are like mini suns; which is why we are also irrepressibly upbeat, optimistic, and fun-loving.

We're not pushovers. We are like roses – we have both flower petals and thorns. If you mess with someone we love you're going down. We're too loyal and protective to let major things slide; and even if we forgive, we never forget. Little things? We'll try to work them out with you.

Being naturally strong-willed and assertive is healthy – it just means we usually make horrible subordinates and yes people. There's nothing wrong with having high standards and being open about them. In fact, in relationships it's far better in the long run to open and frank about what you need and what you consider a dealbreaker from the beginning.

And oh yes are we ambitious and competitive – but most often with ourselves. We're natural leaders who always dream and think big. For a healthy Leo it's not about being the best, but doing your best. We have to be grand and intense, we're ruled by the sun. It's all or nothing for us. Settling is not something a Leo does. We need to be the best leader, the best friend, the best partner, etc. that we possibly can.

Also, in astrology each sign rules a different body part, and Leo rules the heart and upper back.

Adding to this, Leos are known as the Kings/Queens of the zodiac not because we're egotistical, but because our sun sign is the sun. It's like a double amount sun. I could go into significantly more detail about this, but it involves a lot of technical astrological details; so if anyone wants to know more just message me!

Going back to Richard, having his core self (sun) and love/beauty (venus) in Leo explains why he is an actor and artist; and why he is often warm, silly, and dramatic when he feels comfortable – his long interview with The Anglophile Channel (and it's deleted scenes) does a great job of showing the synergy between his Leo and Virgo sides.

We see Richard express the heartfelt, generous, sincere, and honorable side of Leo all the time. This is why I'm sure he has the inner-confidence and strength hidden within him to overcome the deep pain his Chiron causes him (like it does to us all). I hope he continues to find projects and people that help him on his journey to heal.

Thank you for reading this, I'm wishing him and you all the best. Take care!

[rainbowsky]

My god, the fandom totally frustrated me. I want to avoid twitter but we know lot of clips from there so I have to come back there sometimes. But some of them are just so ignorant. Spreading bts video around, the SS, the blurred version, yet don't feel guilty about it. They even angry when people came at them, some even saying to not control them, and other shitty stuff. That's not the point? After weibo mess and they still act like they entitled to do whatever they want. My mood is bad rn

This touches on the whole BTS controversy, and is going to go long, so I’m putting a cut here.

I witnessed that entire situation on Twitter, Anon, and I felt differently from you about it. Yes, that person was sharing sasaeng video and refused to stop doing so. When someone does that, I ask them to stop and if they don’t, I block them and where appropriate, report them. I do that here on Tumblr as well. That is the entirety of what I can do about this. I feel strongly that any other action taken by myself in these matters is likely to do more harm than good. And the whole Twitter drama was a perfect example of that.

What I witnessed on Twitter was savage, cruel and unnecessary. There was a huge pile-on of attacks against that poor girl, until she was in tears and begging people to leave her alone, telling people she was at work and to please have some compassion.

I understand people are frustrated about the Weibo attack, but let’s try to remember that was a paid anti attack. That poor girl wasn’t responsible for it, nor were the people who shared the BTS that the antis bought a hot search for, nor were even the fan sites who initially released that BTS responsible for it. The attack was the sole responsibility of the antis who chose to buy and promote that search.

What I have seen is that a lot of fans have gone on to attack each other, fight and argue over the BTS. I have seen some particularly nasty tags even here on Tumblr (putting something in a tag doesn’t make it any less visible to others, nor any less inflammatory).

How does anyone feel that helps GG or DD? Whose purposes do fan wars serve?

I’ll tell you my opinion: the fan wars serve the purposes of the antis. It is, in fact, a huge part of why they buy these searches. I’ve talked about this before, but the more hatred and anger that can be sown between various groups of fans, the better for those who hate GG and DD. The better for the corporate interests that want to take them down.

When antis attack GG and DD, that is their choice to do so. Blaming anti attacks on other fans is just another way of in-fighting. It doesn’t serve anyone’s purpose but the antis. I believe that is part of their intent when they make those attacks. To try to trigger more fandom wars, which only stirs more controversy and makes GG and DD look bad.

We are always going to have disagreements, and that is normal and totally OK. There’s no ‘universality of experience’ when it comes to being a fan. No ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way of being a fan. There are some things we should avoid and some things we should try to work on improving, and each of us has our own personal opinion of where those lines should be drawn. But at the end of the day we are all here to love and support, and everyone has to make their own decisions about how to do that.

You know what? - and this is a thing I think we all need to remember - people actually ARE ‘entitled to do whatever they want’. They have the supreme and inviolable right to make huge mistakes, to be wrong and even harmful. We may not like the choices other people make, but we have to accept that those are their choices to make, those are their mistakes to make. And they will have their own journey of dealing with the impact of their choices.

We can’t control what other people do, say or think. The only thing that we ever have any control over is how we choose to respond to what they do, say or think. And I want to make the potentially radical suggestion that we try to make those responses as measured, charitable and compassionate as we possibly can.

I don’t ever want to do or say anything hurtful toward others, but especially not in GGDD’s name. I don’t ever want to cut others down or make claims about their attitudes or character or question their love for GGDD, or anything of that sort - but especially not in GGDD’s name.

I don’t think they would want arguments and bickering done in their name. I don’t think they would want judgments or attacks or suspicions spread in their name. I don’t think they would want fan wars conducted in their name.

GG put it best in one of his interviews after the whole controversy this year, when he said that he wants people to enjoy being fans, but to do so rationally. He said he doesn’t need the protection of the fans.

So please, people, when discussing these issues - REMEMBER THE HUMAN on the other side of your keyboard. Remember that there are real people out there who you could be hurting with your words. Remember that we are living in uncertain times with an incredible amount of hardship in the world, and your words have the potential to help or harm. Let’s always try to help.

Remember that doing and saying hurtful things in GGDD’s name - it’s simply not what either of them would want.

If you are frustrated, if you are hurting and angry, please try to reach out and make connections rather than attacks. We are all fans, we all love them. Let’s try to work together rather than against each other.

If you come across hate, ignore and block (and report where appropriate). Don’t engage in fan wars.

Let’s not do the dirty work of the antis.

[nad-zeta]

Match up | (• ◡•)| (❍ᴥ❍ʋ)

heya!! tysm again fr the ikesen matchup, i loved it sm ♡ sooo now could i pls get a matchup for ikevamp, if its ok? 💞 (ps i hope ur doin ok!!) here’s the info again!!

bi girl, i prefer guys! ambiverted intp, gryffindor or ravenclaw, neutral good, scorpio. i have an older twin sis n i love/hate her sm!!

medium-length straight-ish black hair (side bang to the right) & dark brown eyes!! 5'5-ish, filipina! im getting glasses soon~

complex daydreamer- i crave affirmation/praise!! anxiety, i overthink sm! quiet w/ others cause idk what to say. im like half funny/playful & half deep/awkward- easily annoyed but guilty after cause im soft-hearted. i have a way w/ words, poetic? hopeless romantic! i tend to be quite chaotic? sorta socially anxious-

not innocent/naive but ppl think so at 1st! i look fine but im a big mess. superiority complex, insecure- smart n knowledgeable. passionate! a kid w/ my twin but w/ others, mature. its hard to friend ppl! dramatic but rather closed off. its hard for me to ask fr help- opinionated but i try to understand. i need lots of space,,,

i like to have fun n loosen up but would also just cuddle n have long convos. forgive but never forget- realist but rather optimistic. good w/ technology! imaginative/creative. near-sighted! rather selfish, i put myself 1st. love language is words of affirmation/quality time- stubborn! observant- sensitive.

a habit- i tend to drift away n just think? i care a lot abt how i look! i like bein the best so i get competitive. keyboard smashes!! i swear quite often. i like bein organised! i like makin faces!!

fun fact: math/history r my faves. sometimes im rlly hyper n say the most random things? i fear judgement, future, unknown, n failure. bilingual, learnin french! fr pda only hand-holding?

likes: gaming, affection, jokes (stupid/puns), space (stars), weapons (swords/guns), music, instruments (piano), animals, movies, books, philosophy, psychology, writing, exhilirating stuff, astronomy, mythology, etc.

dislikes: heat, presentations, naivety, stupidity, blind faith, stereotypes, being pressured, etc.

tysm!! shjsjsjs i changed it a bit- anyway, stay safe!! dont forget to take care of urself 💞

Hehe, you are most welcome dear!🥰❤🌻 I’m so happy you sent in another request! You are honestly so sweet! ❤🥰Soz for taking sooo long! I hope you enjoy this dear and I hope you are looking after yourself! Sending lots o hugs! 🌻❤ @x-joie-x

So I match you with………….. Napoleon

The first time Napoleon meets you was when he legit grabbed your hand and pulled you along with him, as he tried to get you out of the mansion. It was not safe for a human in a mansion full of vampire, and this soldier wanted to get you out before it was too late. But alas it was just that, too late. By the time the two of you had arrived at the door from whence u came, it was sealed shut, and no amount of tugging or pulling could get it to open.

Comte, who had heard the commotion, stepped into the hallway to see you and Napoleon trying to open the door. He strode over to you and placed a gentle hand on your shoulder as he led you and the soldier to his study so he could explain. After a lengthy explanation about your current situation he named Napoleon as your personal bodyguard to help you navigate, the Paris of the past

To say you were starting to overthink and get anxious would be an understatement. Napo looked over at your quiet demeanour and scanned your face to find a glimpse of anxiety. After the conversation with Comte was over, Sabastion came to escort you to your room for the night.

The next few days you spent cooped up in your room. Too anxious to leave, u needed time and space to sort through your feelings. 

Your stomach started grumbling, but you just ignored it, cause honesty you were just too stubborn to go downstairs and ask for help. Napo had been pacing outside your door, trying to figure out the best way to coax you from your room. That’s when he heard the rumble coming from your stomach. He gently opens the door and strode into your room, “come nunuche, I made too many pancakes this morning, And I need some help finishing them.” Just as you were about to refuse your stomach gave another loud growl, cue Napoleon bursting out into laughter, “I think its best we feed that little bear before it gets angry.”

You couldn’t help but chuckle at Napo, as the soldier went from scary and intimidating to boyish and playful in 0.2 seconds. You smiled as you watch the former Emporer of France try to catch his breath through his full body laughter fit. He finally calmed down and grabbed your hand, pulling you towards the dining room. A new fit of laughter erupted from the man as you couldn’t help but crack a joke on your way there. The rest of the afternoon was spent cracking jokes and eating pancakes.

Napo found you incredibly amusing, especially how you could go from funny and playful, to awkward in 2 seconds flat. He loved to joke along with you and then tease you whenever you would turn into an awkward mess the second one of the other residents entered into the room. 

Especially Arthur, you would often get annoyed at his flirty comments and pick up lines, you absolutely left Napo in stitches when you made a sarcastically awkward comment back to Arthur on afternoon. Napo had learned by now that you were actually rather soft-hearted so the minute he saw the guilt flash across your eyes for being annoyed at Arthur’s comments, he squeezed your hand in reassurance, “don’t feel guilty nunuche, trust me he deserves it. Plus if you don’t believe me, just ask Isaac.”

Napoleon would invite you with him every day to help teach the children at his makeshift school. At first, you were somewhat socially awkward, but thanks to Napoleon and Isaac’s encouragement, you actually started teaching a class of your own. Napo loved how smart and passionate you were. You gave your all in teaching the children various topics, and honestly, Napo couldn’t help but fall in love with you. You taught them everything from maths to history, and the children absolutely adored you. So did Napoleon tbh, the man would take sneaky glances just watching you in your element. When stealing these little glances of you, a lovestruck foolish smile would dance across his face, which most certainly didn’t go unnoticed by Isaac or the children.

After class, Isaac would go off to his second job as a professor of the University, leaving you and Napoleon up to your own devices. Napoleon seemed to bring out that playful side of you, as the two of you goofballs would grab lunch at a nearby cafe. Or have a little picnic in the park, and just spend the entire time quick-firing stupid puns and jokes at each other. You sometimes get super hyper and start saying random words, which leads the two of you to have loads of random conversations. And TBH the two of you are always pulling silly faces at each other just for laughs. You live for those moments when u make a joke or pull a face, and monsieur de Whaha starts erupting with laughter. It is a true sight to behold, the way his whole body shakes, and the sight alone is enough to prompt you into your own laughing fit.

The day Napoleon knew you were the one and only woman for him, was the day he found you in the training hall. You loved swords and weapons so when you were helping Sebastian with housework one day, and you came across a vast display of swords, you were absolutely ecstatic. You wasted no time in picking up one of the swords and swishing it around. Napoleon walked into the room just as you pick up one of the swords and his eyes went wide, “pfft what in the world are you doing?” You narrowed your eyes at the man, as he chuckled, “practising, obviously.” 

Napoleon’s eyes lit up as he strode past you to pick up a sword of his own, “then I shall be your partner.” You smiled a broad smile as you went on the offensive and attacked Napoleon. The two of you spent the next few hours smack-talking each other as you fought. Napoleon enjoyed every moment of your fight and the way you were determined to win. He found that competitive side of you rather sexy, so much so that he decided to confess his feelings.

After you had beaten him, he proposed a rematch, but this time he raised the stakes. He went on the offensive, and just before delivering the final blow, he dropped his sword and grabbed hold of you. Smouldering jade blue eyes met your brown ones questioningly, and once he found his answer, he leaned down to kiss you.

The former emperor of France was utterly head over heels for your stubborn optimistic, competitive personality. He absolutely adored what a walking contradiction you were, being both a realist and optimistic, being organized yet messy at the same time. Napoleon had noticed early on in your relationship that you were rather closed off and slowly, but surely he managed to get you to open up to him. The two of you have had many a deep conversation while cuddling. 

He found that whenever you were snuggled in his arm, it was easy to pry information out of you. Especially when he would tickle you. He found out a lot during his cuddle interrogation sessions like how you feared judgement, the unknown future and failure, like how you actually care about your appearance and that you have a superiority complex. None of which scared him off, if anything he loved you more for it! Being sure to curb and banish all your insecurities with the sweetest words of affirmation and praise.

Napo like you, is also a bit of a romantic so this dork will 100% plan dates under the stars, especially after he found out about your love for astronomy and space/stars. He will definitely plan small quiet dates for the two of you, away from the loudness of the mansion. This boi will burst into your room in the afternoon, drag you to the stables, plonk you on top of a hose and before you know it you are sitting in his arms reading or chatting about anything from philosophy to psychology under the shade of a willow tree, surrounded by flowers.

Napo loves your writing, and this boi will insist you read him your fics whenever you finish them. He will spend the next ten days bragging about how amazing your writing skills are to everyone, even going as far as to say your a much better writer than Arthur. 

Knows you need space and alone time and will give you as much as it as you need. He knows you will come and find him once you want some company again. And once you do seek him out, he will crush you in a warm embarrass and whisk you off on some exhilarating adventure.

Mornings between the two of you sweethearts consist of soft, heart-melting moments. Naturally, the first thing Napo does when he wakes up is, plant a loving kiss on your lips. He will tighten his embrace around you as he cracks open his eyes to wish you a good morning all while nuzzling your neck. He knows you are a sucker for sweet words so he will be whispering the sweetest of endearments to you, in between lazy morning kisses. Best be sure this boy will complement and praise you every single day of your life.

Other potential matches…………….. Dazai

I hope you enjoyed this dear! 🌞🌻and I hope you have a super good day! ❤❤🌻

[pandawritesmanythings]

Halfrid // Part 3

Platonic!Loki x Teen!Reader

Summary: Your life has always been dictated by the fact that you are smarter than most adults. This has made you antagonize many of them, it isn’t your fault that you are just citing facts! However, when the god of mischief becomes your friend, are there enough facts you can cite to prove his innocence?

Warnings: None, just no Loki this chapter, sorry!

Word Count: +3000k

A/N: Wow! A lot of people responding positively to the last part! I’m really glad you guys are enjoying it. I am opening the tags list in case anyone wants to be notified when the next chapter comes out!

TAG LIST IS OPEN!!!

NEW YORK 2014

The streets were filled with the usual buzz that surrounded New York. In the distance, the sounds of construction jolted you awake.

You had fallen asleep in your desk again. You sighed and rubbed your hands all over your face, wiping some of the dried salivae away from your mouth.

Your computer was still on and running, its fans warming up the area where it was sitting. With two fingers you slid through the pad and wrote the password on the lock screen.

It opened to the essay you had been working on last night. You smiled while reading it, your teachers had praised you before on your essays, and you were really proud of this one. Quickly you clicked the share button and sent it to your personal account and to your teacher.

You pushed your chair with wheels away from the desk and hopped off it when you reached your closet. You pulled out a simple sweater and jeans, your black flats and pulled your backpack over your shoulder. You rushed to the bathroom and quickly brushed your teeth.

Your parents were getting ready to get to work. They still hadn't forgiven you for 2012, but you knew they would get over it soon. At least they didn't hang it over your head every time you walked into the room anymore.

"Good morning munchkin!" Your dad called from the kitchen, the blender sounding off.

"Good morning dad!"

"You almost ready for school?" Your mom asked kissing your forehead.

"Yep. I already finished my essay and I left my project on my locker, so I'm good for today." You chirped taking your place in the table and placing your backpack by your chair.

Your mom was typing furiously on the keyboard of her own laptop, even though her expression remained calm. Trying to catch a glimpse you leaned in to see what she was doing.

As soon as she felt your curious gaze on the document, she snapped it closed. 

"Come on mom! Let me see!" You whined.

"No. Finish your breakfast, this is not something for you to meddle with." She seriously stated, her brow furrowed.

You deflated in your seat, a long breath of air coming out of your lips. "I was just curious..." You mumbled.

"And where did your curiosity lead you to, last time?" She rhetorically asked.

You hid your face in your arms trying to avoid her fiery gaze.

"Why do you have to make my appetite go away?" You asked muffling your voice in your arm.

"Stop mumbling and eat your breakfast. I'll pack it if I have to, but you aren't leaving the house without at least a bite out of your sandwich." Your mom seemed to be very final about this, completely ignoring the fact that it had been two whole years since New York, and yet she didn't trust you had become more careful.

A mom's mind must be one of the most complicated ones. You only saw the annoyance that her attitude brought you, but under it, there was an honest and sincere worry for your safety. 

Since 2012, your mom had become more overprotective of you. She had given you a phone and a computer, but they were constantly monitored. If you were on a website you shouldn't be in or downloaded any information that didn't come from an official website, she would get a notification. And let's just say since the attack on New York you haven't been particularly keeping out of trouble.

As you took a bite out of your sandwich and scooped some yogurt out of a cup into your mouth you heard your mom sigh behind you.

She placed her head on her hands, rubbing her sides as if she had a headache. "Darling... My little girl. Why can't you be like others?" She asked, not in an accusatory tone, but one of a very tired mother. She hated having you on such a tight leash, but trust was earned and you hadn't earned it.

"What? You want me to be boring and dumb like my classmates?" You asked in disbelief.

"No! That's not what I meant. I just..." You mom was obviously at a loss for words. So your dad swooped in to save her.

"I think your momma is just tired of you getting in trouble kiddo." He smiled putting a platter of sliced oranges on the table and a homemade strawberry smoothie. "She wants you to go out and play on the hydrants during the summer, and be curious about the world. Instead of only researching it on Wikipedia." He smiled slyly.

"But that's boring!" You retorted. "You know what's fun? Figuring out how to get hidden files from the FBI." You giggled. 

Your mom groaned but your dad just laughed. "Oh, love. She's going to be a great agent someday."

"She's not going to end up entering your business, Frank." Your mom deadpanned him.

"But what if I wanted to?" You butted in.

"I still wouldn't let you. You already cause a lot of trouble by yourself. I can't imagine what you would do with actual authorized access to verifiable sources." She frowned as she opened her laptop and resumed her furious typing, this time letting the frustration bleed onto her face.

You angrily took another bite of your sandwich and downed your smoothie. "I'm done." You jumped out of your seat and slumped your backpack on your shoulder. "See you later." You frowned at your mom and she raised her head to look at you.

She looked worried. You walked up to her, biting your lip. 

She brushed a strand of hair away from your face. "I love you, sweetie. I just want you safe, okay? Please forgive me if my way of showing it is sometimes a little..." She struggled to find the words.

"A little mean?"

A light chuckle left her lips. "Yeah, something like that." She kissed your forehead and looked in your eyes. "Have fun today. I love you."

"I love you too." You smiled.

As you turned around to say goodbye to your dad you found him leaning on the threshold of the kitchen entrance. He smirked at you and you rushed and hugged him by the waist.

"I love you, kiddo." He ruffled your hair.

"I love you too, dad!" You smiled up to him.

As soon as you let go, you waved them a final goodbye, grabbed your anchor shaped keychain, and ran out the door rushing to school.

You said hi to Mrs Alianza, your tenant, and ran out the front door. You walked with a pep in your step, humming a tune to yourself.

The sounds of constructions and particular smells of New York greeted you. The usual people did their usual commute. Store after store was speckled with familiar faces, all of them buying, selling, and working as every other day.

The way to your school wasn't that long, which is why it was one of the only things your parents trusted you enough to do by yourself. You would walk up the street, make a right and at the end of that street was your school. The scent of the Starbucks hit your nose when you passed by the open door. You really wished you had money so you could buy yourself some hot cocoa. The weather of the last few days of September was nicely fresh, but since it was usually colder in the mornings the sweetness and wariness of the chocolatey goodness was just what you needed.

But since you were broke as the hobo down the street, you walked past it and headed to your destination. Prison.

Your school was an old building, it looked really fancy on the outside, but had the same crappy classrooms as any other public school had. The halls were filled to the brim with students who were chatting the start of their day away. You, however, just walked straight into your class. Mrs Peyton wasn't there yet, so you decided to simply sit down and open your assigned book. And yes, you had already read up to were your teacher told you, but what else were you going to do right now? Talk to people?

The seat next to you was usually empty, which is why it surprised you when you saw another girl sitting there.

Ok, you are a social incompetent. But please try this time to be relatable. Or at least not scare her off. You bullied yourself.

"Hey," You snapped your book closed and gave her an awkward smile. "A-Are you new here? I've never seen you before."

She looked taken aback by the fact that you were talking to her, but she also awkwardly smiled and nodded.

"Oh, well... Welcome!"

There was a heavy silence between the two of you. Mainly because you didn't know if to ask a question, or let her talk or ask you a question. Your mind kept rolling around to try and make this disgusting silence disappear.

"U-Um..." You struggled. "So, have long have you lived here?"

She looked at you weirdly. This is why I'm a social outcast. You thought.

"All my life? I just transferred schools." 

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT. You inwardly screamed.

"Oh! That's cool. What school were you attending before?" You asked as you repeated inwardly: Please don't say Visions. Don't say Visions.

"Visions Academy." SWEET MOTHER OF ICICLES-! "It was the best school I have ever attended."

"Ah. Why did you come here then?"

She looked at you as if it was an obvious answer. "My parents think I need to experience The Real World." The did an exasperated gesture. "What does that even mean!?" 

"Well, maybe they want you to see the other side?"

"And mingle with peasants? I would rather die." She huffed.

"Well, you are technically mingling with one." You pointed to yourself.

"Oh, no. I know you are, I just see you and don't think you'll remember what I tell you in a couple of days." 

Did she just call me stupid? You tried to maintain a calm and collected face.

"You don't look like the social type, so I guess you don't care that much for people's problems and grievances." She swatted the air with her hand. "To be honest. I wasn't even that popular in my other school. But if others know I was studying there, maybe I'll finally be popular!" She beamed as if it was her goal in life to be the centre of everyone's attention.

You had two options. Forget this annoying and self-absorbed girl, or make something out of this.

"Have you ever heard the phrase, A fake friend and a shadow only come by when the sun shines?" You looked at her and she shook her head. "It's Benjamin Franklin. Great guy. You might have heard of him."

That got a snort out of her. "Yeah, I have."

"What do you think that means?" You thoughtfully gazed at her.

She looked at you blankly for a second. "I... Don't know...?"

You adjusted yourself in your seat. "A shadow is by your side when the sun is out, just like a fake friend will. But disappear when the clouds roll by. A friend can do the same if they don't care for you and only care for your popularity. You think they'll stick around when the hard times come?"

It left her thinking. She was silent for a minute, looking everywhere except where you were sitting. Something told you that there was more to this girl than you initially thought. Just as she was going to answer you, Mrs Peyton arrived in the classroom and the bell ringed.

You didn't see the girl for the rest of the day.

The girl. Wow. You really had to start asking for people's names first, didn't you?

When your last period was over the bell rang and kids started filing out of the classrooms. Then you saw her.

She was wearing a pink skirt, as short as the dress code allowed her and a pink sweater with a white dress shirt neck coming out of the neck of the sweater. Yeah, she definitely came from a prep school. She contrasted highly with you. Yet, she pushed off the wall and approached you meekly.

"I was thinking about what you said." She claimed. "The truth is... I don't know what I am truly doing here. I don't know how long will I stay, but I just wanted... The validation I guess."

You smiled at her, sympathetically. "So, what do you really want?"

"A friend."

"I... I think I do too." You smiled at her.

"My name is Ashley."

"Mine is (Y/N)"

MONTHS LATER

You had no idea where this had come from. And honestly, neither did Ashley.

You were just one day chatting about the fact that the Avengers were the only guys without cooties in the whole world. They were actually super cool. You laid in your bed listening to Ashley talk about why Thor would beat Iron Man in the blink of an eye.

"I mean. It makes sense, as smart as Stark is, he doesn't level out with Thor's powers." She finalized the rant that you were barely paying attention to while you re-searched about them online. No. You weren't stalking. That's creepy.

"But that's where you are wrong. His source of power comes from his hammer. Right?"

"I guess?"

"Then look." You turned the laptop to her and showed her the security feed you were watching. "If we are talking combat, yes he is great. But so is Stark." 

In the feed Thor tried to lift his hammer just to not being able to and giving up, melting in a puddle of despair. "See? Without his hammer, he is basically defenceless."

"He still can fight. Without the suit Stark isn't much more, isn't he?"

"No no no. That's where you are wrong. Stark has the brains. Thor has the brawns." You smirked. "If Tony had to manage to beat Thor without his suit, I think he would find a way. He is way too intelligent for his own good."

"Maybe. But if there is something we can agree with, is that Cap is the whole package." 

You both flopped onto your mattress laughing at that. "That is America's good soldier!" You laughed.

"His butt, tho." 

"EW. NO. DISGUSTING. SHUT UP." You slammed her with a pillow.

You both kept laughing for a bit longer and slowly your laughs became more breathy and ceased being so loud and frequent. You slowly sat up.

It had been a while since you had thought about the 2012 incident. But seeing that footage from Thor and all that talk about mind versus brawn got you thinking... What was Loki doing here anyway? He definitely wasn't the brawns. And the way he got defeated was... Almost comical. But when you talked to him, he came across as a very thought inducing and mysterious guy. And being honest, no bad guy tries to dominate if he doesn't have a clever plan.

"You ever think about the villains the Avengers have to defeat?" You asked, your mind wandering.

"I barely do, honestly." She got up too and placed you pillows back into place. "I just like to think about how many lives they save. I know that they can't save everyone, but I am pretty grateful for the fact that this world is still here. I don't think we would be if it wasn't for them."

"Yeah... Yeah. You're right."

But after Ashley left you were still thinking. Your mind was going in circles. You had always been bad at social interaction, but the only two people you had ever felt truly comfortable talking to were Ashley and, strangely, Loki. How? You had just talked for a few minutes with him, but you could recall what he told you that day almost completely.

So that is how it started. You brought out your personal notebook and wrote down:

The 2012 Incident

And wrote all you could remember about your exchange with him. All you could remember about the ship, how you entered his cell. Your conversation. You repeated the events in your head over and over again until you wrote everything down. Over the next few days, you analyzed all you wrote, over and over again.

Your teachers noticed.

"Are you okay, (Y/N)?" Mrs Peyton asked as you wrote down ideas for the latest essay in her class. You had been spacing out for too long.

"Um! Yes, I'm good. Just... Writer's block, you know how it is..." You stumbled over your words. She didn't look convinced, but still, she gave you a tight lip smile and continued on to help students who were stuck.

A couple of days later you heard your name being called through the teacher's radio.

"(Y/N). Miss Jennifer wants to see you."

Ashley shot you a worried look, it wasn't often that you were called to your adviser's office. But you gave her a slight nod and got up your seat to go to the adviser's office.

You were surprised to see your father sitting there. "(Y/N), dear. We are happy you could join us."

"Is everything okay?" You questioned.

"Yes. Of course." Miss Jennifer reassured you and pointed towards the chair so you could sit down.

"We have had many comments lately on your daughter not being able to fully concentrate in classes. We just wanted to know if there is anything you would like to tell us, darling?" She said as nicely as she could.

Your dad raised an eyebrow in your direction.

Oh, crap. How were you going to explain this? You couldn't just say that a psychopath that you once crossed roads with had been occupying your thoughts.

"You see. Sometimes I want to write about many things, and if I get an idea for something I... Kinda space out. Sorry if I have worried anyone." You tried to answer, your voice sounding more confident than you actually felt.

"I see." She wrote something down.

"Has it been affecting her grades? I know she is smart, but she does have a tendency to lock herself in her head." You dad ask concerned.

"Well, although she has certainly been distracted, there is nothing wrong with her grades. She astoundingly completes her work. Besides her spacing out, her teachers don't fault her much on anything." She tried to calm your dad down. "I called this meeting, firstly to address this subject and make you aware of it Mr. (Y/L/N). However, there is one more matter I wanted to discuss."

"Well?"

She proceeded to show us in her laptop a scholarship program. "I know that (Y/N) is still quite young, but I think this would be an excellent outlet for her imagination." She slid a pamphlet towards us and continued to explain. "See, the WRITE Scholarship is based on talent, and not grades. Some start writing their entrances since they can hold a pencil, but I think that you have enough experience to start trying. You must turn it in, as of late, the last month of your senior year. Some write short stories, but some of the most successful are those who turn in essays about things that interest them. For example, a girl last year won by turning in an essay with proof and facts of how HYDRA had infiltrated so quietly into SHIELD. It won her the scholarship and she went to the college of her choice to keep learning what she loves."

It left you speechless. A scholarship that would fully pay for all your college expenses if you turned in an essay that blew their minds? It was like a dream come true. And you could write about anything. Anything at all.

Miss Jennifer kept talking and gushing about it, but you had already heard enough. There were so many possibilities as to what you could do.

But your mind kept going back to that girl who had investigated HYDRA. What if you could do the same... But examining why did the Incident of 2012 happen?

To Be Continued...

[glitterrhowell]

Chapter 15

Title: Seized

Co-author: fadingcrystalvoid

Pairing:  Daniel Howell & AmazingPhil (Phan

Word count: 1.2k

Warning/Genre: Rape/extreme violence/ depression/PTSD/Degradation/torture/ Non-consensual pretty much everything/Little!Dan/Daddy!Phil/Kidnapping

Summary: What starts out as a day in the Park for Little Dan and Daddy Phil turns into something terrifying when Dan is suddenly kidnapped. Will Phil be able to find and save him before it’s too late? Heavy trigger warning

Read on Ao3

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A huge thank you to my beta Alyssa (phan-of-the_pen) for putting up with my sloppy messy writing and helping me turn it into something readable!

“See you next week,” Lela smiled, waving at Rick (as he was today) exited the building and climbed into his Dad’s car. She had two different patients with dissociative identity disorder but it sometimes felt like ten. Liam, as he was named as a baby, had three different personalities: himself, Rick and Leia.

She sighed, returning to her office to do some paperwork before her appointment with Dan. Last week when he’d come in, they hadn’t really discussed much, but she was worried for both of them—Phil because he blames himself and Dan because he still didn’t remember anything. There was no rush, of course, but temporarily forgetting trauma often ended badly for when they do remember.

A half hour later, she realized Dan and Phil were ten minutes late for their appointment. She picked up the phone on her desk, punching Dan’s home phone number into the keyboard, using the form she’d had them fill out during their first visit here.

The dial rang and she picked up a pen to add a note to her to-do list. The ringing eventually stopped only to be replaced with a robotic voice telling her they were “not available at that moment” and that she should “leave a message after the tone.” She sighed, putting down the phone. Maybe they were running late and on their way, so obviously they couldn’t answer their home phone.

She logged into her computer, opting to do some work until they arrived. They never did though. The hour session passed and ten minutes later, her next client was coming in for their session.

Lela spent the rest of her afternoon either with patients or completing paperwork. At 4:30, she decided to leave early. After packing up, she headed to the front desk and signed out. Hopping into her car, she checked her phone for the address one last time before pulling out of the spot and onto the roads.

She pulled up to the curb outside a small apartment complex. She climbed out of her car, locking it and entering the building. She headed up two flights of stairs and headed to the apartment listed as the Dan and Phil's home.

“Please stop!” she heard someone shout from inside.

“Oh please, you’re loving this, don’t lie to yourself,” another, rougher voice answered. Shouting continued back and forth, one voice begging and another of arrogance. Lela felt a pit in her stomach grow and knew immediately that there must be something wrong inside. She hadn’t known Dan and Phil for that long, but it was clear they were in love and from the gentleness that they showed each other, she knew this argument wasn’t one of half-hearted heat.

Pulling out her phone, she quickly walked down the stairs as she dialed emergency services.

“Nine-nine-nine, what’s your emergency?” “Police.” “Please hold one moment.” Lela waited for her call to get forwarded over to the closest police station who picked up and asked her immediately what was going on. She told him the address of the apartment and explained that she believed they may be in danger considering the second captor still not being found. They were quick to respond, already being aware of the situation they’d found themselves in.

Not even five minutes later, two police cars had arrived, three armed police officers coming out of each car. One walked over to her and began questioning what she knew of the situation. The other five, guns loaded and aimed at the ground, headed into the building. Officer Mark, as he’d introduced himself as, took notes on what Lela answered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dan growled at Sir as he entered the room. He hated calling him that, the title was one of importance, but he had no idea what else to call him.

“Hello dearies,” he said, voice sultry. Dan cringed, knowing exactly what was to come. He marched over to Dan, a bandage with blood spots on his neck from the day before.

“Now, let’s have some fun, shall we?” He grabbed Dan’s hips, forcing him onto his hands and knees. Pulling his dick free, he pumped it a few times before forcefully pushing his hips against Dan’s.

“Please stop!” Phil begged, knowing it was somehow worse that Dan was big and knew exactly what was happening.

“Oh please, you’re loving this, don’t lie to yourself,” he retorted, winking at Phil before moaning obscenely.

Phil continued to sit helplessly as he watched the love of his life being tortured.

“Police! Open up!” a voice shouted from outside the building. Sir had left again after using Dan and getting Phil to scribble another word into his leg (they’d ran out of room on his stomach). Dan and Phil looked at each other, not sure if to let the hope kindling in their chest burst to flame.

“Oh, finally you’ve arrived. I got the message and was only a street away. I know it was dumb to go in alone, but I didn’t want to risk them being hurt anymore,” Sir’s voice said, all of the malice he had shown Dan and Phil gone.

“Find anything?”

“Nope. I’m guessing the guy ran. Don’t know how he knew but something must have tipped him off.”

“Ok, well, we’ll do a thorough search, just to make sure he’s not hiding anywhere. Did you find the victims?”

“Bedroom,” he answered. Phil gulped, knowing he’d need to make a decision. Either stay quiet and risk his safety and Dan’s, or tell the police and risk their lives. Only Dan and Phil knew Sir had a gun. He’d threatened to kill them multiple times if they’d fought back or even thought of telling someone (if) rescue happened. But would Sir shoot at other police officers?

Phil listened as the officers worked their way around their flat. Dan had his head rested on Phil’s shoulder, exhausted after everything that had happened.

“Dan, come on Dan, time to wake up now.” He gently shook Dan, the younger man stirring and blinking his eyes open. He attempted to curl in on himself a little more but winced and checked his stomach, eyes saddening at the words scratched there.

“Hey, it’s okay. You know they’re not true, don’t you love?” Phil said gently, feeling his heart wince at the thought of Dan struggling with whether the words on his skin were true or not.

“Yeah, whatever,” Dan mumbled, pressing his lips to the juncture between Phil’s neck and shoulder before settling his head there. Phil simply sighed, rubbing his hand up and down Dan’s arm and pulling him closer to him.

The door opened and Dan tensed against Phil, still unaware that the police were in the flat and that Sir would be absolutely insane to try anything.

“Oh, god, what has he done to you?” an officer sighed, rubbing his face as he walked over to the two of them. “Okay, are either of you hurt?”

“Dan, he’s been through the most in the past week.” Phil croaked, his throat feeling scratchy and jagged like glass.

“Okay, we’ll get you both to the hospital. Do you know who the perpetrator is or where he is?” The officer asked, bending down to look closer at the injuries on their bodies. Phil's mind chaotically flipped through the options: tell or don't. He settled on one, if not for Dan's safety. And with him out there, neither of them would ever be able to turn their backs.

“The- the officer. He was watching the flat before attacking us.” Phil said, his voice cracking with emotion.

“The… you mean Officer Kide? Oh fuck,” the officer muttered to himself as he fully understood the situation. He ran from the room, pulling his gun back out from his holster. Dan and Phil heard shouting from the lounge as he explained the situation. Not even five minutes later, officers were hoisting them both onto stretchers and into ambulances. Phil fought back, demanding to stay with Dan until he was sedated, promises that Dan would be safe ratcheting around his head.

[sudsybear]

Inconclusion

After my unexpected and brief trip home, I returned to school filled with encouragement to finish out the semester, salvage what credits I could, and in my mind, get the hell back home to Ross where I belonged. I did what I could to buckle down and study. Gathering my allies – Jim and Stephen Paul, I tried.

 Jim was Stephen Paul’s best friend. I’m stretching here, as my first memories are of him are dim. We sat in Taylor Hall, chairs side by side staring at the green cursor on the monitor. He explained the VAX cluster and taught me about the different computers and showed me the quickly growing world of e-mail. He showed how the statistics students ran various programs to do their homework. And we spent several hours laughing and enjoying one of the computer games on the VAX; he typed in commands such as "walk forward ten paces" or "Look left" "look right" "light torch" and the computer responded with such useful things like "you just walked into the wall - ouch!" and "You can't light the torch dummy, you don't have any matches.” We laughed, and while he was somewhat serious about the game, wanting to navigate the dungeon, I got frustrated with the absurdity, and borrowed the keyboard to type ridiculous commands to get quizzical responses. He was being a great pal.

 I had to master enough calculus to pass the final exam. So Jim worked out a tutoring schedule and worked through enough problem sets that I could fake my way through a final. I didn’t understand it, still don’t, and don’t particularly care to, but I managed to complete my homework, and learn enough.

Sappy Song Lyric Interlude:

 Don’t Let him Steal Your Heart Away

Phil Collins

You were lonely and you needed a friend And he was there at the right time with the right smile Just a shoulder to lean on Someone to tell you it'll all work out alright

You can look at him the way you did me And hold him close say you're never letting go But any fool can see you're fooling yourself But you ain't fooling me

So don't let him steal your heart away No, don't let him steal your heart away

And don't pack my suitcase, I'll be back And don't take my pictures off a' the wall Oh, did you hear me? Don't let him change a thing 'cos I'll be back Jus tell him to pack his things and get out of your life And just give me one more chance I'll show you I'm right, I'm right

Cos I've been thinking and I know it was me leaving you lonely But hoping you could be strong But could you look at me straight Tell me what else can I do but say I was wrong?

So don't let him steal your heart away No, don't let him steal your heart away

Well he's gonna try to make it work for you Make you think your whole life's been leading to this But whatever you do Think about me and don't be fooled by his kiss

And don't let him steal your heart away Please, don't let him steal your heart away

 *          *          *

 Friday night November 15th. This was the talk of campus since the movie schedule came out. One group stood in line the week before to buy the 18 or so tickets needed for our floor. A different bunch arrived early to stake out good seats. What were we going to see? A triple feature of all three Star Wars movies. Back to back to back we would watch the triple feature. Episode IV started at 7 p.m. and it went on into the night from then.

 After our early dinner, we returned to the floor to change into our comfies. I walked across campus with Stephen Paul and Craig and Bart and Lawrence. Jim met us there; his glasses broke earlier in the day, and he had a hurried trip to the nearest optical repair shop (as hurried as a trip on the scheduled campus shuttle system can make). With pillows and slippers and snacks we settled into our “reserved” seats – two rows on the lower level, on the right side, not too close, but not too far back either. One of the guys from the upstairs triple had a knack for origami. He folded x-wing fighters from a stack of old printouts from one of the computer labs. Before the features started, and during intermissions, he folded as many as his fingers would let him and handed them out. I got not just one, but two origami x-wings! (Still have them, too.)

 A room full of congenial fans, we sat in the dark and escaped to Tatooine, hissed at Darth Vader, cheered Luke and Princess Leia. The girls drooled over the roguish Harrison Ford – hissing when he was cryogenically preserved. And those of us still awake and enthusiastic in the wee hours of the morning booed Jabba the Hut and cheered the Ewoks as they attacked the Emperor’s fighters. Good friends, good movies, good escapes.

 *          *          *

  After yet another distressing phone conversation with Ross, I received this:

  Postmark 18 NOV 1985, Cincinnati, OH

 Dear Susan,

           Our relationship has caused both of us a great deal of discomfort lately. Our talk on the phone today really brought that out. The idea of being tied down bothers me sometimes, but the idea of break up bothers me more. I don’t think that I am alone in my feelings of wanting to see other people; in fact you said you would like to ask some guys out but feel you can’t. Your life at Roch is very mysterious to me, as is my life here to you. Let’s face it, we have grown apart and the only way to grow together is to be together, which is just not possible right now. Thanksgiving is going to be a bitch; there’s just not going to be enough time to be together. I can’t remember what time you said you would get in…Things have seemed really distant – I never feel comfortable when you first come home. Our greetings (your greetings) have not been very warm, compared to your tone of voice on the phone. If you don’t understand why I am writing this, think of when you came home for your break (the planned one). OK, I met you at the airport. You didn’t look at me, give me a hug, talk to me – until we got to the car. I just didn’t understand why you made no effort to say hello. And when you came home the second time (the unplanned one) OK, so you had been sitting in the basement for an hour. But you just sat there on the stairs. And I gave you a hug, but you still just sat there on the stairs with your arms crossed.

           I really don’t mean to be bitching at you for things that probably had some very complex reasons behind them, but it raises the question in my mind, “What the hell do you mean, or even think you mean when you say you love me?” You seem so enthusiastic about seeing me on the phone, but not in person. What is really going through your mind? Do you really still care?

           By the way, I think that hanging up on someone is about the most childish stunt you can pull. I talked to my mom about it and she was amazed. As she put it, “That’s really stupid.”

           Back to the word love. I don’t like using words when I don’t know what they mean. That’s why I don’t say it. It’s a very weighty word – you seem to throw it around a lot, though. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if you rip up or burn this letter. But if you do, it’s just like hanging up – the problems won’t go away if you ignore them. I hate to sound so damned pompous, but you are mentally very young and very difficult to deal with sometimes.

Time out for some positive issues.

 We’ve had a lot of fun together. The time we went canoeing, or took Valli up to Miami (how’s she doing, anyway?) or went swimming or went walking or went to see “The Gods must be Angry” (sic) or went to Denny’s or just drove around or the time you skipped your morning classes and woke me up and read your letters to me and then we went to Burger King. Or all the times I came to see you while you were sitting. Or all the time you were here when I had a shitty day at work. Or all the times we came up to my room. Or you woke me up or I woke you up. The week that our parents both split town (we had to keep that one quiet for weeks ahead of time), painting the basement, and getting fed up with it. What about when we went sailing right before you left? We saw a bunch of movies, but I only remember a few – St. Elmo’s, Pale Rider, Lost in America. What were the others? And times at Winton Woods.

           We had some Awesome times. I wish it could be like that now. I feel like If you were here, it could. No, I don’t resent your being away at school. That’s life. I do resent the fact that you see other people 24 hours a day but don’t think I should.

           You’ve grown up a lot since you’ve been away. I have, too. I think that you are beginning to see how life works – you can’t attack the world fresh out of high school. You’re beginning to know how much there is to know. But learn some more and you’ll find there’s even more.

           I care about you Susan Savage. I really do. I don’t know what love means, so I won’t say it. I wish you were here. Even if you were, things would be a lot different from this summer, and it would take us (well at least me) a long time to adjust. I really care about you, and I don’t want to hurt you. You don’t believe me do you? Ok, look. I wouldn’t have written this letter if I didn’t give a shit. Not good enough? You know, someday……this may all seem very silly. Either because we got married or because we couldn’t stand each other. I wish I could really understand what you are thinking! What you say and what you write are sometimes 2 different things, with the written often being the most accurate.

Am I hard to talk to?

 “Oh Yea, Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone”

– John Cougar

 Corny and depressing, but true.

 Will the real Susan Savage please stand up?

And Bok too.

 “Knowledge is a deadly friend, if no one sets the rules” – Robert Fripp

 The problem is that we are both young. BUT, I see that and I don’t know if you do. You don’t know what you want, it’s very obvious when talking to you. I don’t either. So we end up confusing each other because emotion and passion mix and confuse.

 “The fate of all mankind, I fear, is in the hands of fools.” – R.F.

 These lines are excerpts from a song called, “Confusion will be my epitaph.”

Appropriate?

             I care and I will talk to you soon.

 Love,

 Ross

 For the life of me, I don’t remember what prompted this letter. I must have done something or said something on the phone that was very hurtful. Maybe I told him about Stephen Paul and the crush he had on me. Maybe I mentioned one too many times what Jim and I had done together. For that I am sorry. I never meant to hurt Ross. His complaints have been echoed in other relationships. I do toss words about rather cavalierly. That’s a habit I have worked to change. I’ve not always been successful at it. I like hyperbole – it’s more dramatic.

 Ross knew me so well - my greetings and how cold I seemed. Part of that coldness was old-fashioned embarrassment. I deeply cared what my parents thought of me. I wanted to please them, do the right thing, I wanted them to be proud of me and what I did. But I was equally embarrassed for them to see how much I cared for Ross. I couldn’t hug or touch Ross in front of my parents until I screwed up the courage to do so.

 I was also frustrated with my voice, frustrated with not being able to touch, to see, to caress, to stomp my foot in anger. As I sit at a keyboard or with pen and paper, words tumble through my brain, and fingers spill them onto the keyboard or paper. But when speaking, my tongue never keeps up. I lose track of thoughts, logic gets lost, and on the phone intonation gets misinterpreted and cannot be retrieved. I was young, inexperienced, immature. Hanging the phone up on someone is childish. I’ve grown up since then, learning better how to converse, to hold my tongue. I’m not perfect and I still get frustrated. Today, instead of hanging up, I say, “I really can’t talk about this right now. I’m frustrated. We’ll have to come back to it.”

 We did have great times; we were good together. And it was increasingly difficult to maintain those good times. Perhaps we set impossibly high standards for ourselves. This is someday, and you know, Ross’ letter doesn’t seem silly at all. No, I didn’t rip it up or burn the lot of them. I kept them tucked away for sixteen years – moved them, him, with me from Cincinnati to Buffalo and back to Rochester. When my husband read them after Ross’ death, he nodded, appreciating Ross’ tastes in music, laughed at Ross’ humor, and ultimately agreed with him. Indeed I can be very difficult to deal with.

 We didn’t know what we wanted. We were both looking for direction and our passion certainly did confuse us. No, we didn’t get married. But neither did we stop caring about each other. Oh, we went our separate ways, but I never stopped caring. I have to believe, too, that at some level Ross never stopped caring about me.

 I wish I could remember…

  Postmark 19 NOV 1985, Cincinnati Ohio

 11-18-85

 Dear Susan,

           My last letter reached no conclusion, so here is the conclusion from my last letter:

           I am not ready to give up. There is too much positive to throw away. On the other hand, I don’t have one hell of a lot of time on my hands right now. And you don’t either. So I am pretty much on idle, though I will try harder to write, send tapes, etc. Lets face it Long Distance Sucks. (LDS). Being there is the only next best thing to being there! So I am saying basically:  DON’T COUNT ME OUT YET! Your voice gets negativer and negativer the longer you’re away.

           I think I am getting a cold. I hope I don’t have it when you come home. I work from early in the morning to late at night on my program. It’s funashell but tiring. Maybe one day I’ll finish it. How do you like Opus’ new nose? Big money goes around the world.

           Well, as tigger would say, “BBFN”. [sic]

Love,

BOK

 [enclosed were a weeks worth of Bloom County cartoons, clipped from the local newspaper and mounted on notebook paper)

 My plane privileges were worn out. Two flights home had been expensive. I needed to find a ride to Cincinnati for Thanksgiving. I put the word out to friends – do you know anyone from Ohio? A friend of a friend put me in touch with a senior from across town in Cincinnati. He was leaving Wednesday morning before Turkey day to drive across I-90 and down I-71. I arranged a rendezvous with Dad at a gas station along I-275.

 Slipped under my door sometime between Halloween and Thanksgiving:

 Good Morning Susan

 This is to be opened after class in the Welles-Brown Room before your daily nap.

 Susan,

 I think it would be best if we did not see each other, for a while, at least. As lonely as I felt the time before when we didn’t see each other for a while, I feel worse when I do see you. Not during the actual time I see you of course but later when we’re apart. I guess being with you reminds me of what I hoped we maybe could have had together but don’t.

           I thought I could handle the “just friends” routine. I have before, but never with someone I care so much about. It hurts too much to turn on and turn off my emotions so frequently.

I realize that it will hurt either way, If I keep seeing you or not. It’s just that the not seeing you part hurts more, but it must eventually stop. The seeing you part makes me feel great while I’m with you, but when I’m not…  Hey, I like roller-coasters just as much as anyone else. It’s just that everyone is glad to get off and throw-up before they get back on again. Your roller-coaster doesn’t stop.

           As I said, I thought I had learned that your actions toward me meant nothing more than friendship to you. I did for a while, and then I started kidding myself again. A few “wake up slaps” to the back of my neck snapped me out of that.

           If you’re upset at losing a friend, I’m sorry, so am I. It’s just that right now that’s the way I think it’s going to have to be. “You (and me) gotta like it. God knows I don’t want to, but I’ve got to.”

           If you want to talk to me about this, by all means do so. Maybe there’s another solution. I just don’t see how there could be.

           Oh well, I’ve wasted too much time on all of this stuff already. Throaty old me has math to do. I’ll miss the dumb questions you asked. Maybe I’ll start asking some of my own.

           Who knows.

             “Eternally yours,” (That sounds awfully dumb, doesn’t it? Oh well…)

 Stephen Paul

  *          *          *

 Postmark 20 NOV, 1985  Cincinnati, OH

 11-20-85

 Dear Susan,

           Contained Herein is more important Opus-ule news. I like the old nose better, too. I got my hair cut today and I think it looks like someone put a bowl on my head and cut around the edges. Here’s my new revised, improved, up to date, nifty spiffy schedule.

 Shaded area is work. I might get an English class if I can.

 I’m tired. BBFT (ByeBye for Tonight)

           See you soon!

Love,

 Ross

 *          *          *

 According to my medical records from the University Health Service, on November 22nd I had a pretty serious lump on my head. I don’t know if I lost consciousness or not. I doubt it – I was probably too drunk to notice how much it hurt. But Stephen Paul recorded another quote, “I want you to feel my bump.”

 It all came about because of a pre-Thanksgiving party held on the floor. My world was spinning figuratively, between Ross’ letters of despair and true love, the intriguing support and control that Jim offered, and the dedication and heartbreak Stephen Paul shared my heart was muddled. My academics were abysmal, and I felt guilty for wasting my parent’s money. So I joined in enthusiastically at this party, where everyone was drunk or stoned or both. Towards the end of the evening, in a silly stupor, I badgered JG into picking me up and twirling me like the cheerleaders of the Big Ten football teams. As the wing of the helicopter, my figuratively spinning world was reflected in reality; someone else controlled my movements while all I felt was the dizziness of it all. JG spun me around faster and faster in the hallway until my head thwacked a doorframe. My party was over, and the spinning stopped. Soon my heart would stop spinning as well.

 Stephen Paul’s resolve to take a break from my friendship lasted all of fifteen minutes, maybe as long as twenty-four hours. But I had calculus homework due, and needed help. We played on the same intramural field hockey team (the Beerballs). We took meals with the same crowd of people. It was hard to avoid each other.

 I arranged to have Chris feed the Lesters while I went home for Thanksgiving. He was on pet duty since he couldn’t afford to fly home for the holiday. Technically the dorms were closed, but he got special dispensation. Somebody needed to play zookeeper for the menagerie. On Thursday, he and the students from overseas were treated to a special turkey meal in the dining center. He also used the time to get extra hours at work (he needed the money) and catch up on homework and reading.

 Early Wednesday morning, Andy met me at the door to the dorm. I put my suitcase in the trunk, and crawled in the back seat of the sedan. His girlfriend rode shotgun. I didn’t mind; it would be good to sleep and try to make the emotional transition from school to home.

 I wish I remembered the rest of the weekend. I don’t recall a thing. It must have been quiet – Jack was in Allentown, Tom was on the West Coast, and since Mommer died, it was just Mom and Dad and me. There are no photos – which is unusual for Dad. I don’t remember going up to Jeynes’. I don’t remember anything much at all. No passionate fights, no tearful goodbyes, no “see you in a few weeks.” Gone.

 And yet, Ross and I resolved to help each other. “We’ve made it this far; we can stick it out one more month, and have our time at Christmas. We can decide what we’re going to do then.” I knew what I had to do. As soon as I got back, I would see what I could do to transfer to St. Xavier.

 On Sunday, Dad drove me back to that gas station on I-275 and I met up with Andy and his girlfriend for the ride back to Rochester. I sat in the back seat of that sedan, lost in my thoughts, preparing for the final push before the end of the semester. We arrived back in Rochester, late. I got my bags out of the car, took the elevators up to my floor and dragged my gear to my room. Resolution made, I was a girl with a purpose. I’ve got my work cut out for me; I am going home.

[boricuagoddess79]

I am not exactly sure when the negative stigma of being a single mother started. It seems to me that the only honorable way to go through this unscathed is to be a widow. I look at examples in the bible, women were married off, stories in history where women were bashed, I read comments from keyboard warriors and articles about how we are the demise of society. If you become a single mother from some type of tragic accident, you become strong and people feel compassion for you. Otherwise you are a careless, Jezebel, harlot with no morals or values and we get painted as husband stealing, half assing, horrible people. Someone literally has to die for me to be OK as a single mother. Let that sink in. I remember being young and watching something on the news about Dan Quayle slamming a character on TV named Murphy Brown because she had chosen to become a single mother and I couldn’t understand why people were so upset. I was about 8 or 9 so, there wasn’t much to understand honestly. My own mother had become pregnant with me at 17 and her and my father were hastily married a month later. Granted they just celebrated their 38th wedding anniversary yesterday, but in 1979 had she chosen to go it alone, i imagine that she would have been branded with a Scarlet letter across her chest. In 2004, when i became pregnant, i also received side-eye glances and was shunned by people i thought where my friends. Some people at church wouldn’t speak to me and it baffled me then. I was still the same person they liked yesterday. I was still kind and smart and loving. I wasn’t damaged. But religiously it showed that i was weak, that I gave into the flesh. I thought that was the most absurd thing to hear. I could have easily gotten an abortion and they would have never known. They could have continued to love me being none the wiser. But it was when i decided to carry this amazing life into this world that i received the most backlash from strangers and people. Meanwhile, there were revered people in the church beating their wives, having affairs, snorting cocaine before a sermon, but no one was talking about that, because that “sin” was in secret, mine was on the outside, growing stronger and healthier by the minute. I refused to be shamed or hang my head low. I made my choice and i moved on, leaving behind toxic people who i realized at that moment were never my friends to begin with.

Fast forward to 12 years later and as you know my kid is my world, my everything. I work, sleep, eat and breath to make anything possible for him. Our life is full of love and wonder and magic at times. People still look at me crazy, wondering what I’m up to and why I haven’t gotten married yet. As women we are summed up by the value of a man in our lives. It’s no wonder we suffer from self-esteem issues and feel worthless at times. We get reminded daily that we have “baggage” that we are “baggage”. There aren’t many men who want to step up and help raise another mans child. Those that do are saints. They should be elevated to sainthood, because you looked past the stigma and you saw love and a family and you wanted that so badly for yourself. Kudos to you.

It’s no secret that my ex and I have had our shares of major downs with a few ups sprinkled in between. For those that aren’t familiar ill summarize: Gas-lighting, emotional verbally abusive person who would try to break me down daily until i finally left.

Its been almost 4 years now, in that time I managed to buy my son and I a house, i paid off my car, i moved him to an excellent school district. He plays sports, plays in the band at school, he has sleepovers, we have a dog and a cat, friends and family who love us and life for the most part is good. The area that is lacking to be perfectly honest is that his father, although living just 5 miles away is mainly absent by choice. Only showing up when its convenient, often going “missing” for weeks at a time. It has taken a toll on our son emotionally and is one of the causes of his depression. It is something i cannot fix. All these years i have been solely responsible for him financially and physically. His father at times has helped, but only if i begged and pleaded. So sometimes we went without because i didn’t have it in me to humiliate myself again. My parents and friends have stepped in to help with groceries or bills or lunch money when i was in dire straits. I have applied for scholarships for him to play sports and gotten creative with couponing and grocery shopping etc. I have made payment plans with doctors and schools just so he doesn’t have to feel like “the kid of a single mom”  I don’t qualify for financial assistance because apparently the government thinks I’m rich, and that’s OK. He has no idea, my son that financial sacrifices that are made and i don’t want him to feel bad about it. The home i bought us sits in a multi million dollar neighborhood, i bought it at a foreclosure for $150,000. So he plays with wealthy children and gets that great education and he doesn’t know that if not for that wonderful fortune of events, we could never afford a house so nice in a nice neighborhood.

A couple of years ago after struggling to pay for after care at school and stressed about having to send my son to my parents for the summer because I couldn’t afford summer babysitting, I finally applied for child support. I was nervous and drove almost an hour to the office with all the information i might possibly need in a neat little binder. My stomach was in knots and a friend came along with me. I hated that i had to do this because i knew the repercussions i was about to face when he realized i put in an order. After a couple of weeks, i was given a court date and i waited and waited for that dreaded call from him. It never came of course because they couldn’t serve him, so court dates were pushed back and rescheduled at least 5 times. It has been two years and i still have not been to court to even begin the process. In the interim, i have begged his father for help only to have $26 dollars thrown my way or to beg for new shoes and clothing. Sometimes he would help, but more often than not I was ignored. My mother would be the one who bought his shoes, clothes and Christmas presents this past year. And I paid her back in installments and in gift cards that people had given to me as gifts, i went to several taste tests where they paid you and promptly turned that over to her. It was like handing someone a bag of pennies you collected and hoped that they understood you were trying. And she does and she did and words can’t express how grateful i am for that support. She even came to stay with me over winter break for a month to help take care of him while he was out of school so he wouldn’t have to be alone while i worked since i couldn’t afford for him to be in a camp or anything.

This Saturday, I finally got the call. I had fallen asleep on the couch and my phone buzzed me awake. I sleepily answered and his father was on the other line.

“I got the papers” he said, in a low voice

“What papers?” I sleepily asked

“I got the papers. The child support papers”

“Oh…..” I sat in silence for what seemed and eternity but was probably just a few seconds, bracing myself for impact. Trying to remind myself to be strong, that I knew he was about o be awful to me but any of the words that came out of his mouth were not true. That I wasn’t awful for asking for help, that it was his job as a parent to want his son to succeed.

“You need to withdraw this” he said

“Um..No” I said quietly, then asserted myself “No”

“You really want to put him through this? You want him to go through a paternity test? You need to withdraw”

“Uh, he’s not going to go through anything, he’s not going to court this is child support. I filed this 2 years ago, when you refused to help me with day care and I had to send him off. This is because he needs shoes and underwear and clothes and I shouldn’t have to beg you and plead to help him”

“You need to withdraw this”….. and then there were other exchanges that are not really important to this narrative. But the jist of it is he tried to get me to cancel the order. He gave me reasons why this wasn’t a good idea and tried to play on my insecurities and I held firm. I hung up the phone and sat in silence for a few minutes. Not really knowing what fresh hell I was about to open with this. My stomach ached, I was nauseous. Because what you don’t realize is even getting away from your abuser, your never really free and sometimes the sound of their voice or a disagreement gives you flashbacks of the worst of times.

About a half an hour later, he calls back. I answer the phone with a “hello…” followed by silence.

“Are you going to put him through this?” he says more forcefully this time. “Have you looked at Michael?, have you looked at him?”

Knowing where this was going I responded with “Uh yes, I know what my son looks like, i only gave birth to him and i see him everyday”

“Oh YOUR son” he said.  I thought to myself, oh boy here we go. “Because he doesn’t look anything like me. Do you think he looks like me?” he said angrily. “He looks nothing like me”

Cheese and Rice on a fucking stick. Are you serious?! Was all I could think. I didn’t even get to respond before he said “Because they are going to put him through a paternity test and you need to withdraw, because he doesn’t look like me and you’re going to put him through this”

So this is where he is mentally now. He’s upset that he has been ordered to pay child support and now after 12 years he’s trying to attack my integrity by implying that there is a possibility that our son is not his. He is. There is no doubt.

I answer back with “Look I know you’re sitting there with hopes and dreams of a Maury Povich situation where you get off the hook on a technicality, but he’s your son. Don’t you ever question me again about that. You raised him, you were there when he was born, he has your mannerisms, you and your fathers eyes among other things. Besides, he’s a bi-racial child, guess what genius? he’s not gonna look like anyone, (Even though the kid is my doppelgänger honestly, which is OK because UM I’M HIS MOM)

Then he responded with what he does best, the big bow on the gift of insulting “Oh you think I don’t want him to be my son? why would you say that?” And ladies and gents that is called gas-lighting. Bringing up something, creating a fuss and then turning it around on the other party as if they created the issue and thus they begin to replay and question their sanity. Realizing this i ended the conversation immediately and decided that i needed to have a talk with our son . He’s twelve. if there is a court order that involves a paternity test (which is normal in cases where you file for child support and were never married, this isn’t because my morality is in question or because its assumed i passed my vagina around like an hor de oeuvres plate, its standard procedure in my state. )

I decided to go upstairs and see my sweet boy who was playing video games and none the wiser. “Hey Buddy” I said “Do you have a second? I have to talk to you about something that’s kinda hard”

“Sure” he replied

“Buddy…” and I took a deep breath, a minute or so passed before I could muster up the words to start this awful conversation, but my son and I have that type of relationship. Were very open and honest, you have to be when your running a house like ours. It has to run like a well oiled machine. “Buddy, um, do you know what child support is?”

“Not really, No” he said

“um, well child support is when one parent asks for help financially from the other parent. To help them buy clothes and food and things that the kid needs. Sometimes, child support has to be done in the courts because of the way its set up”

My son, who is half wise but also half sarcastic, a trait he definitely got from me says “So you’re suing daddy?”

“No dude, I’m not suing Daddy. I filed for help a few years ago and they finally sent him the paperwork and we have to go figure some things out. But I’m telling you this because of the way it works, you have to go to a lab and they have to swab your cheek. Its to establish paternity. They do that to protect the dad because there are some not so nice people out there who lie and say that the father is one person when it really isn’t so they make everyone do this”

He laughs and goes into a Maury Povich “you are not the father!” dialogue. I give him side eye and say “Sorry bud, that’s not the case here. Your mother remembers well when you were conceived and there is no doubt in my mind, that’s your daddy”

My son in a moment of clarity and knowing his father says “Let me guess, Daddy’s mad and acting like I might not be his”

“Well, he’s  a little surprised by the order and asked me to cancel it, but I said that i wouldn’t because it’s not fair. You have things that you need and i try my best to provide them, but i need a little help. I hate that i even have to ask, but i had to, and I’m so sorry buddy, that you have to be part of this. You wont have to go to court, we wont fight,He sill loves you, he’s your Daddy. i just had to tell you because of the swab thingy” and then i hung my head in shame and started to tear up.

My son, the best thing to ever come out of our genes, said “Mommy, don’t feel bad. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. You have already shown that you can do it and if you need help that OK. Adults always tell kids to ask for help but forget to do it when you become and adult and if you have tried all you could and exhausted all your options, then this is what you have to do”

I look up at this amazing soul and say “how did you get so wise?” and he gives me a sly grin and a mischievous look and then yells out again “You are NOT the father!” because Maury Povich to him is funny and he’s 12 and a stinker. I laugh and give him a hug, call him a bum and ask him if he has any questions. We talk about the stigma of unwed mothers, the baby mama title, the feeling that people think we are out here getting our nails done and at the club spending child support money while our kids sit at home hungry and in filth. I tell him its unfair and that most of the time the money people get is only a little so it’s not even what the main provider spends in a month. That this wasn’t a “Mommy is mad at dad” thing and that anything i received we would put into his bank account and use for his needs. He seemed to handle it well. however, after i walked downstairs about an hour later, he said “I’ve tried calling Daddy twice and now he’s not answering”

Sigh.

Hold your head high little one, we will get through this. This isnt the life i wanted for us, but ill figure out a way to make it a life your proud of.

Winning His first championship

Playing at the Park

Sleepy adventures

Single Mom, Child Support and other dirty words I am not exactly sure when the negative stigma of being a single mother started. It seems to me that the only honorable way to go through this unscathed is to be a widow.