#just like I’m supportive of my best friend and her ugly boyfriend who is assistant manager at Dunkin’s and is named Ethan | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nicknellie · 4 years ago

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@millie-andrews-rose requested: Alex gets put with a bully on a paired project, so Willie goes with him when they work on it to help him stay calm. Willie and the boy bond over skateboarding and Alex gets jealous, causing an argument between them. The boy then apologises to Alex for being so awful. Alex and Willie make up and it ends with their first “I love you”s. (This was edited/simplified just to make it shorter.)

This is the longest oneshot I’ve ever written and I absolutely love it. I really hope I’ve done you proud, especially since this was such a great prompt! Thanks!

And It’s Not My Fault

Alex adored projects. He loved having something big to focus on, a goal to work towards, something to keep him preoccupied. Any big time-consuming task was a lot of fun for him whether it was a five-thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle or work for school worth a large part of his grade. There was, however, a single word that could be placed before the ‘project’ that would instantly transform it from Alex’s dream to his worst nightmare.

The word wasn’t ‘group’ as it would be for a lot of people. Alex liked group projects almost as much as he liked solo projects. Group projects were what he did with Julie, Luke, and Reggie almost every day, jamming in the studio and working towards having a complete set list in time for an upcoming gig. Group projects were what he occasionally did with Carrie and the girls of Dirty Candi when he would assist them with some choreography. Group projects were even tolerable with people Alex didn’t know well because he knew how they were supposed to work and usually he could convince everyone to do their fair share. So group projects were fine.

The word the ruined any chance of Alex having fun was ‘paired’.

Paired projects were the worst type of project. They always spelled trouble and Alex had never got a decent grade on one in his whole school career. It never felt like his fault, but when he thought about it he was the common denominator in every nightmare paired project scenario, so he had long ago decided that there must be something about paired projects that he was simply doing wrong.

Maybe it was that he wasn’t good one-on-one. Alex had always functioned better in groups (albeit small ones that couldn’t be overwhelming) and being face to face with just one person could be stressful. It was fine if it was a friend, and more than fine if it was his boyfriend, but when alone with a stranger Alex found himself running out of things to say and having nowhere to turn when the awkward silences set in. Or if he didn’t run out of things to say he would eventually say the wrong thing and that would start an entirely new alarm bell ringing in his mind as he panicked about accidentally being offensive. Overall, conversations without his emotional support band could be frustrating at best and somewhat dangerous at worst.

Perhaps it was true that Alex was the link in all these situations, but what he had always failed to consider was the fact that he had never been paired in a project with somebody who was actually willing to try and do well, which perhaps was a more prominent reason he’d never received a decent grade.

Alex had been having a good day. He was feeling bright for no reason in particular – needlessly optimistic days like this were his favourite, even though they usually were followed by needlessly pessimistic days as all those bad feelings caught up with him at once. Still, by now Alex had learnt to clutch that senseless joy while it was there and relish it before it was gone.

The joy was gone by noon.

“Alright, class,” Ms Osbourne said, clapping her hands to gain the class’s attention.

Alex hated his English classes. While he was good at English and rather enjoyed the subject itself, his class was rowdy and unruly and made it difficult to concentrate, while Ms Osbourne was a teacher so strict that if someone so much as thought about breaking a rule she would be able to sniff it out like a dog – but her bark was worse than her bite, and while she would shout an unnatural amount she rarely doled out punishments. The combination made for a lesson that was purely people shouting and no work being done.

The class quieted to a steady hum of chatter which was usually as silent as Ms Osbourne could get it. She smiled, though it didn’t reach her eyes, and continued. “Seeing as the end of the semester is coming up, I’m going to be setting you a project that will be worth forty percent of your grade. Essentially, it’s your final exam on our study of Macbeth.”

Alex perked up a little. He had been assigned projects for a lot of classes, but English projects were always the most enjoyable – they involved a lot of writing, which most people hated, but Alex found therapeutic; the only downside was that the source material was usually dreadfully dull. Still, Alex suddenly found himself looking forward to it.

And then she had to go and ruin it.

“I will tell you your assigned partners at the end of the lesson.”

Alex felt himself deflate and heaved a sigh. It had been too good to be true. Now he was going to be stuck on some boring project with a random student from his awful English class because he had no friends in this lesson and it was going to be horrible. It was all he could do to not let his head fall onto the table and scream in furious defeat.

It was on his mind all lesson. Who he was going to be with, what specific things the project would be on, how he could get out of it. His mind was buzzing with questions, building up energy that released itself by making his leg bounce up and down. Several times he found himself tapping out a rhythm on the table like it was his drumkit, his bouncing leg acting as if it was pounding the bass drum, and he had to force himself to stop and actually pay attention to the lesson.

The end came painfully slowly. The school bell rang and most of the students were up out of their seats immediately, ready to leave.

“Hang on,” Ms Osbourne yelled. “Everyone sit back down! I need to tell you your partners for the upcoming project.”

Alex listened attentively as she reeled off a list of names. Most people let out an annoyed groan when they found out they weren’t with a friend, and there was the occasional excited, “Yay!”

Alex knew he wouldn’t be one of the ones celebrating.

“Alex Mercer,” Ms Osbourne said eventually, pushing her glasses further up her tiny nose. “Your partner is Harry Reynolds.”

“Oh god,” Alex murmured. He felt his stomach squirm just as somebody kicked the back of his chair so hard that he jolted forward and nearly whacked his face on the table. The person laughed a moment later, obnoxiously loud, begging for retaliation – Alex didn’t dare turn around to look at them.

He knew already that it was Harry Reynolds sat behind him who had kicked his chair. His project partner, and possibly the worst person in the class that it could have been. For reasons unknown to Alex, Harry had always had it out for him. In middle school he had pushed Alex down a flight of stairs and he had landed unceremoniously in a trash can – Harry had started calling him Bin Boy and the nickname had stuck for a year afterwards; Harry was the only one who used it anymore though. Since then, Harry had just been a general jerk towards him, and upon hearing that they were going to be partners, Alex’s whole body told him to run.

Run where? Alex thought. This wasn’t a problem he could run from. Besides, Harry could probably run faster.

“Looks like it’s you and me, Bin Boy,” came Harry’s voice from behind. “I’m sure we’ll have loads of fun.”

Ms Osbourne finally finished listing pairs and then announced, “These partners are non-negotiable. I will not indulge any requests to switch for any reason. Life isn’t fair, sometimes we have to work with people we don’t like. Get used to it. Now go on, you’re already late for your next class.”

Alex wasn’t usually one to ignore instructions, but as the rest of the class filed out into the hallway he remained behind. He didn’t know what he was planning to say to Ms Osbourne, but he desperately needed to find a way out of the project, or at least switch partners.

“Go on, Alex,” Ms Osbourne said, “you’re going to be late.”

He swallowed thickly and said, “Miss, I was just wondering about the proj–”

“You’re not swapping partners,” she returned sternly. “I’ve already said this. I won’t make any allowances.”

“But, Miss, I can’t work with him,” Alex protested. She raised her eyebrows and started walking around the room, putting sheets on each table for her next class. Alex followed her as she went. “He hates me! It’s going to be awful.”

“Well, maybe the two of you can use this as a way to bond and get to know each other better, hm?”

“Miss, please,” Alex said, his desperation finally rearing its ugly head in his voice. He could feel his legs shaking and his hands wringing themselves together and his head tingling in a way he couldn’t describe, and finally he broke. “He has it out for me and I don’t even know why! He’s been awful to me ever since we were kids, he tries to pick fights with me, he calls me names. Last year he chased me around the field with a baseball bat for a whole PE lesson! If I have to work with him I’ll just end up panicking – or dead, that’s also a possibility – and the project will go terribly and I’ll fail the class. Please can I just work by myself?”

Ms Osbourne’s expression softened as she look at Alex over her glasses. For a moment, Alex’s hopes were raised just that tiny bit – maybe he had got through to her, maybe she would see sense.

But then her face turned to stone again.

“No,” she spat. “What you can do is figure out with Harry when the two of you are going to work on this project and how you’re going to go about it. And you can get to your next class.” She turned away with a cold air of finality. Alex could have sworn he actually felt chills.

Without a word, Alex heaved his bag onto his shoulder and made his way out of the classroom, crushed and dejected. He stared down at his feet as he walked and tried not to think about what the next few weeks could have in store for him.

Lunch couldn’t have come sooner. After what felt like an eternity, Alex finally made his way down to the cafeteria to meet up with his friends. If there was any one thing that was guaranteed to cheer Alex up when he was in a bad mood, it was the good company of his band and his boyfriend.

The rest of the group was already sat at their usual table when Alex arrived in the cafeteria; just seeing them laughing and joking together put the tiniest hint of a smile of his face. He headed over to them, but was stopped in his tracks by somebody stood in front of him – it was Harry Reynolds.

The boy had his arms crossed over his massive chest and was leering down at Alex with an expression of disgust. Alex tried to look past him at his friends, to get their attention, to ask for help, but they hadn’t seen him. Instead, he forced himself to look up into Harry’s brutish face and try not to squirm.

“Partners, huh?” Harry grunted. “I’m failing English so you’ll need to get us a good grade.”

“That’s the plan,” Alex said, willing his voice not to shake. It wasn’t that he was too frightened or intimidated by Harry, it was just the fact that he really didn’t feel like getting chucked in a bin today. One wrong move and he could consider that a real possibility.

“Be at my place on Saturday at one. Bring all your notes – I don’t have any.”

“I can’t do Saturday,” Alex told him, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I have band practise.”

Harry took a step closer. Alex couldn’t move back – his feet were rooted to the spot. “You think I care about your dopey little band practise? You’ll be there. That’s that.”

Alex swallowed, nodded hurriedly, and finally forced himself to take a step back so that he wasn’t chest to chest with Harry. “I’ll be there,” he echoed, still nodding.

Harry snarled, condescendingly patted Alex on the head, and walked off. Alex took a moment to collect himself, to breathe, to remind himself that he was okay and he wasn’t hurt, that Harry hadn’t done anything. He steadied himself and kept walking towards his friends, trying to mask the worry on his face.

Of course, he failed miserably.

The moment Alex sat down in his usual space between Willie and Luke, Willie took his hand, watching him with concern. “Hey,” Willie said gently, “what’s up?”

Julie, Luke, and Reggie immediately stopped their conversation, turning to face Alex and Willie. Alex hated the way they were looking at him, like he’d break if they dropped him, but it wasn’t like he could ask them to stop caring – instead, he looked at each of them, trying and failing to give them a reassuring smile before he spoke.

“Nothing,” Alex said, “nothing, it’s just… just this project for English.”

Luke sighed dramatically. “Has your class got that stupid Shakespeare assignment too? I get it, bro, it’s totally pointless–”

“No,” Alex interrupted quietly. “No, that’s not it. Well, kind of. Yeah, we’ve got the Shakespeare assignment but that’s not… not the problem.”

“What is it?” Willie prompted gently when Alex didn’t continue.

Alex shrugged. “It’s stupid.”

Julie leaned over the table and grasped Alex’s other hand. “Alex, your feelings are not stupid.”

She smiled warmly. Funny things happened when Julie smiled – when she did it to Luke, it wasn’t uncommon for him to literally trip over himself; when she did it to Reggie, it made him smile in return for hours on end; and when she did it to Alex, it gave him such overwhelming confidence that for a moment or two he could truly do anything.

“It’s just that we were assigned partners and I got stuck with Harry Reynolds,” he admitted, clutching Willie and Julie’s hands tighter. “It’s nothing and I shouldn’t be worried but–”

“It’s not nothing,” Willie said. Alex couldn’t quite read his expression – it looked to be something between sympathy and outrage. “That guy is the worst. Did you talk to your teacher about it?”

Alex nodded gravely. “She wouldn’t let me switch.”

“How much did you tell her?” Willie asked.

“What I thought would have been enough,” he replied, shrugging like it was nothing. “But it wasn’t.”

“She should be fired for that,” Reggie interjected. Everyone turned to look at him. “I’m just saying – if by ‘enough’ you mean that you told her what a jerk he’s been to you then she should follow that up and treat it like an issue instead of making you work with him.”

What would have been wise words were ruined slightly by the fact that Reggie spoke them around a mouthful of pizza.

“Reggie’s right,” Julie said, “she’s definitely in the wrong here.”

“I know that,” Alex told them, because he did, that much was obvious. “But it’s a little late for that now. I’m stuck with him.”

Willie clutched his hand tighter, threaded their fingers together. Alex leaned to the side, rested his head on Willie’s shoulder. Julie let go of his hand and Willie immediately picked it up – he smiled a little at both of them.

“I know saying it’s all going to be okay won’t help,” Willie whispered to him, “but you’ve got to try and believe that it will. And if it isn’t, I am just one call away. If you need anything – I mean anything – you call me and I will be there. Okay?”

Alex’s tense muscles relaxed the tiniest bit. “Okay,” he muttered back. “That’s okay.”

Willie kissed the top of his head and a fraction of Alex’s anxiety lifted. Willie would be there when he needed him no matter what. That was something he could always count on.

Luke hadn’t been happy when Alex had called him early on Saturday morning to tell him he wouldn’t be coming to band practise that day. He had given Alex a half-hour-long earful about how they had a gig coming up in a few days’ time and they needed to be rehearsing like crazy. It hadn’t been pleasant for Alex in the slightest, but at least it had been a welcome distraction from the other thing on his mind, the reason he had had to cancel band practise in the first place.

It was the day he was supposed to go to Harry’s house to work on their project. Alex had hardly slept the night before – he had lay awake in bed for hours, tossing and turning, trying to empty his mind and relax, but sleep just wouldn’t come. At half past two he had crept downstairs and made a batch of brownies using a recipe of his grandmother’s. At the time he’d thought that maybe he could use them to placate Harry once he got to his house, but he’d accidentally ended up stress-eating the entire batch instead.

He felt sick, but couldn’t tell if it was the brownies or the anxiety. Probably an unhealthy mix of both, he decided.

But he had passed the first hurdle and he told himself to be proud of that – he had arrived outside Harry’s house. It was a small bungalow on a road that led nowhere and Alex was struck by how normal it looked. It didn’t look like the sort of place somebody like Harry Reynolds should have lived; Harry was larger than life, tall and brooding, moody and mean – this house looked as if its occupants sold flowers and rescued kittens in their spare time.

Despite the outward appearances of the house, Alex was almost certain that he was in the right place. The front window seemed to show Harry’s bedroom because through it Alex could see innumerable trophies, all for different sporting events; a large stack of magazines (Alex was sure he could already guess what each contained); and a small enclosure that looked to Alex unbearably similar to a tank that might house a snake or a spider or any other creature that Alex would have preferred stayed thousands of miles away from him where it belonged.

He could not make himself walk into the house.

He had been trying for almost fifteen minutes and had walked past the house almost thirty times. He had counted his steps and was somewhere near eight thousand. His mind was racing, shooting through a hundred anxieties before Alex had the chance to dwell on any of them – maybe that was for the best. But it didn’t help the fact that he could not force his legs to walk in the direction of the door.

The worries stopping him weren’t even big ones like ‘What if he tries to hurt me?’ which Alex stressed over every time he interacted with Harry. It was the little things and the impossible things pricking the back of his mind like needles: What if he doesn’t answer the door? What if nobody’s home? What if I’m at the wrong house? What if he’s changed his mind? What if I got the wrong day? What if I got the wrong time? What if he’s not actually my project partner? What if… What if… What if…

What if I call Willie?

Alex blessed his brain for having its first sensible thought that day. He fished his phone out his pocket and called Willie, who picked up after one ring.

“Hey,” Willie said, “what’s up, hotdog?”

“I, um… I’m at Harry’s house. I can’t go inside.”

“Why not?” Willie asked. “Is the door locked? Are they out?”

Alex shook his head although Willie couldn’t see him. “No. I don’t think so. It’s just… I… I can’t do it.”

“What do you mean you can’t do it?” Willie asked patiently.

“I can’t go inside,” Alex repeated. With his free hand, he tugged at the strap of his fanny pack, fiddling with the buckle where it lay over his chest. “I can’t go up to the door. I’ve been trying for, like, twenty minutes and every time I try my head starts buzzing and my legs go numb and I’m starting to feel really sick now because I ate an entire batch of brownies meant for at least ten people and I can’t do this–”

“Okay,” Willie interrupted. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Breathe, Alex. Remember the breathing exercises we went over? Breathe in for four and out for six. Come on, hotdog, you’ve got this.”

Alex did as he said, taking great shuddering breaths of bitter air and releasing them slowly. Willie kept talking him through it, slowly, softly, kindly, and after about ten minutes Alex felt refreshed. Not necessarily worry-free, but his mind had cleared a little bit.

“Okay,” Willie said. “That was great, well done. Can you give me this guy’s address?”

Alex gave it to him.

“Luckily for you, that’s just down the road from where I am right now,” Willie said, chipper. Alex could hear the smile in his voice and it almost made him smile himself. Almost. “I’ll be there in a minute. I’ll go inside with you, if that’s what you want?”

Alex breathed a haggard, relieved sigh. “Yes. Please. If you don’t mind. Thank you, Willie.”

Willie gave a small chuckle. “Any time, hotdog. You know I’d do anything for you. I’ll see you in a minute.”

And he hung up.

Alex waited, still doing his breathing exercises, but didn’t need to wait long. Hardly five minutes later, Willie rolled up (literally – he was on his skateboard) and gave him a bright smile. Alex didn’t hesitate before lurching forward and pulling him into a hug.

“Thank you, Willie,” he whispered. “I really appreciate it.”

Willie’s response was simply to hug him tighter.

Together, hands clasped tightly between them, Willie with his board tucked under his arm, they made their way up to the bungalow’s front door. Alex swallowed, steeled himself, and then firmly knocked on the door. When nobody answered it in the first five seconds, Alex told Willie, “This is a bad idea,” and tried to turn away to leave.

However, Willie just pulled him back and a moment later the door opened. On the threshold of the house was Harry, staring down at Alex and Willie. Something about him wasn’t quite as nightmarish as it was at school, yet at the same time Alex was much more afraid. He held Willie’s hand tighter.

Harry nodded in Willie’s direction. “Who’s this, Bin Boy? You brought your boyfriend?”

“Actually, yeah,” Willie said, speaking for Alex. He was glad – his throat felt thick and he didn’t think he could have summoned up any words if he tried. “I’m Willie. I’ve heard about you.”

Harry raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? What?”

“Just a few things,” Willie said nonchalantly. “Nothing important. Anyway, I was in the neighbourhood and Alex and I are set to hang out when he’s done here anyway so I thought I’d come along. Is that alright with you?”

“It’s fine,” Harry returned with a shrug. Then his eyes landed on something and his entire expression changed. Alex didn’t think he’d ever seen Harry look like this before. Could it have been what he thought it was: excitement? “Bro! You skate?”

Willie lifted his board half-heartedly. “This isn’t just for decoration.”

Harry grinned, clapping Willie on the shoulder so hard that his hand dropped from Alex’s. “Dude, that’s sick, I do too. Come on, get inside, man.”

Harry headed back into the house and Willie followed him. Alex took a moment to wonder what the hell that had been, then took a deep breath and hurried after them. When he caught up with Willie he grabbed his hand again. Willie just smiled bemusedly up at him.

Harry led them to his bedroom and beckoned them towards his desk.

“Come look at this,” Harry said. “I had a photo taken with Tony Hawk last year!”

Alex perched himself right on the edge of the bed awkwardly as Willie went over to inspect the framed photo.

“Are you sure that’s Tony Hawk?” Willie asked. “Doesn’t look like him.”

Harry shook his head. “You’ve got to imagine he’s holding a skateboard, then you’ll see it.”

Alex watched Willie squint at the photo for a moment or two longer, then he gasped and, to Alex’s horror, began to smile. “Oh, wait… yeah, kinda. That’s awesome, dude!”

“Yeah! Anyway, how long have you been skating for?”

As Willie answered, Alex zoned out of the conversation. Ordinarily, he loved listening to Willie talk about skating – he lit up whenever he explained a new trick he’d learnt, and seeing him flush with pride after he demonstrated it perfectly to Alex always made him feel giddy – but it just wasn’t the same listening to him chat with Harry Reynolds of all people. Alex didn’t even know who that Tony Hawk guy was and it didn’t seem like anyone was about to bother explaining it to him. He would never have admitted it, but listening to Willie talk to Harry was almost annoying.

He busied himself by looking around the room, getting a glimpse at what the real Harry Reynolds was like. At school, Harry was the classic, early-2000s movie jock, on every sports team the school had to offer, constantly bragging about his luck with girls, and picking on people smaller than him (which, because Harry was built like a tree trunk, was pretty much everyone). His room reflected it too; there were even more trophies than Alex had seen through the window, most for football or, unexpectedly, karate, and the walls were plastered in posters displaying buff men and weirdly specific motivational quotes. Only now did Alex notice the skateboards stuck on the wall and the stack of helmets by his bed, as well as several skating posters directly above them.

He turned back to Willie and Harry just in time to hear Willie laugh. Properly laugh, loud and genuine. Willie only laughed like that with his friends and it hearing it in Harry’s room stirred an uneasy feeling in the pit of Alex’s stomach.

“What’s so funny?” he asked, trying to smile.

Willie waved him off. “Don’t worry, hotdog, just a skating joke.”

Harry snickered, shaking his head. “Pretty freaking funny though.”

“Oh,” Alex said. He tried for a laugh but it was the least genuine noise he had ever made – judging by the look Harry sent him, it had been obvious how fake it was to him too. Alex cleared his throat awkwardly. “Shouldn’t we get on with our work? We’re already running behind schedule.”

Harry rolled his eyes. “Shut it, Bin Boy, we’re having a conversation here. You start if you want, I’ll join you whenever.”

Alex sent a look to Willie, eyes wide and pleading. Willie frowned, looking conflicted, but then shrugged.

Willie and Alex didn’t fight often, but Alex wouldn’t have minded giving Willie a piece of his mind right then and there.

He didn’t though. He sighed, shuffled back on the bed so that he could have more room and lean on the mattress, and he started working on the project. It wasn’t too difficult, just an analysis on the themes of Macbeth, something they had gone over in class a hundred times; still, Alex would have appreciated some help, seeing as this was a paired project and he didn’t exactly want to do the whole thing alone.

But it was fine. He kept telling himself that it was completely and utterly fine. But every so often Willie or Harry would laugh or suddenly shout, and the abrupt noise would startle Alex. The third time that happened he accidentally jogged his highlighter so it zigzagged all over his painstakingly neat paragraph on King James I. He gripped his pen so hard that the plastic almost cracked, and set about writing the whole thing again on a new piece of paper.

Alex didn’t know how long he had been working for, but he did know that it had been a hell of a long time and Harry still hadn’t made any effort to help him. He had copied up all his notes on the supernatural, women, ambition, and the Great Chain of Being, all the while Harry had sat there with Willie, not doing anything.

The strange thing was, Alex found himself more angry at Willie than he was at Harry.

Eventually, he checked the time, his hand aching. It was almost five o’clock, which meant he had been working alone for about four hours solidly. He had done pretty much half of the project in that time and was nearing his breaking point – he thought that if he left now he could catch the tail end of band practise and take his frustration out on his drumkit.

Gathering his notes and all his work, Alex said, “I’m going to head out.”

Willie checked the clock on Harry’s desk and then set about clipping his helmet on. “Yeah, we should get going. This was fun, though, man. It was nice to talk to a fellow skater for once.”

“I hear you, dude,” Harry returned. They fist-bumped and Alex physically cringed. “Catch you later.”

Alex didn’t say goodbye, just saw himself out. He didn’t wait for Willie. He simply walked, trying to get out of the house and as far away as possible in as little time as he could. Alex could hear Willie shouting for him to wait up but he didn’t stop.

He felt Willie grab his hand and pull him to a halt, but pulled his hand from Willie’s grasp.

“What’s up with you?” Willie asked, seeming truly bewildered. “I thought that was alright back there, it was relaxed, not stressful. Are you still feeling anxious?”

Alex didn’t answer his question and instead he said with much more venom than he had intended, “What the hell was that?”

Willie looked taken aback. Alex almost felt bad. Almost.

“What was what?”

“In there!” Alex yelled, pointing in the direction of Harry’s house. “You talking to him like you’re best friends! That guy is a jerk, you know that, Willie, so why were you laughing and joking with him as if he’s the nicest guy in the world?”

Willie didn’t look impressed. “Sorry, I was under the impression you wanted me there. I was talking to him to distract from you. That’s what you wanted, right? You were nervous about going so you wanted my help to take the pressure off you. I was helping you, Alex, because that was what you asked me to do!”

“Not like that,” Alex protested. “You weren’t supposed to bond with him, leave me out completely so that I had to do all the work by myself and listen to you two talk about skateboards and… Toby Eagle, or whoever that guy was!”

“It was Tony Hawk. And it’s not my fault that Harry likes skateboarding,” Willie shot back. “It’s also not my fault that I enjoyed talking to someone who shares that interest for once. You listen and you pretend to know what I’m talking about, but it isn’t the same.”

“It didn’t have to be him!”

“Actually, given the circumstances, it did. And like I said – it got the attention off you, so I don’t see why you’re complaining.”

Alex felt his temper rising with each sentence. He never got this upset at Willie, this was a complete first. Sure, they had argued like any couple would, but he had never felt any real anger towards his boyfriend. It frightened him, and that fright stopped him from seeing any sense, taking a step back, calming himself down.

“I didn’t want you to do it like that,” he said, as if it was obvious. It was obvious to Alex – why wasn’t it obvious to Willie?

“I can’t read your mind, Alex,” Willie shouted, pointing at himself. “I don’t know what’s going on in your head!”

“You should know!”

“I don’t! It could be anything! I don’t think you realise that when it comes to you and your anxiety, I’m pretty much flying as blind as you are. Sure, I’ve done my research and I can handle it, but I never know what’s going to trigger you and set you off like earlier today. I may seem prepared, but I don’t know what you’re thinking and I don’t know what you’re going to worry about most. It is not my fault that sometimes I might not handle it in the best way. I’m trying my hardest, Alex.”

“You aren’t the one who has to go through the panic attacks and the constant worry, are you?” Alex seethed.

Willie shrugged. “No, I’m not. But I still worry about you all the time because I don’t know what’s going to set you off.”

“It’s not my fault I have anxiety,” Alex yelled.

“I never said it was! But it’s not my fault either – I dropped everything just to come and help you today and all you’re doing is throwing it right back in my face and arguing with me for helping you out! It’s not my fault that you can’t do these easy things and that you need me to hold your hand all the time!”

Alex froze. Willie did too. The words were out there, they’d been spoken without hesitation. They hung between the two of them like a toxic cloud, as both of them slowly realised the weight those words had held.

Willie broke the silence, reaching out his hand to Alex, trying to bridge that gap between them that had widened impossibly in the last ten seconds. “Alex, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean t–”

Alex stepped back, out of reach from Willie. Willie flinched and he withdrew his hand, instead crossing his arms and rubbing circles by his elbow with his thumb. It was a nervous tick Alex only ever saw when Willie was really stressed out. Normally he would have tried to soothe him, calm him down, but all he could hear were Willie’s words echoing back and forth through his mind.

It’s not my fault that you can’t do these easy things and that you need me to hold your hand all the time!

Alex schooled his features to careful neutrality, not betraying any emotion. It wasn’t hard, seeing as he wasn’t feeling much at that moment anyway, just a cold detachment.

“I heard you,” Alex said quietly. He couldn’t look Willie in the eye. “I heard exactly what you said. I know what you meant.”

“Then you’ve got to know that I wasn’t trying to–”

“I know what you meant,” he repeated. “I’m going back to band practise. I don’t think you should come and watch today.”

He shook his head and, turning on his heel, walked away. He didn’t hear Willie’s footsteps following him this time.

Band practise had helped calm Alex down with a mixture of wrestling his drumkit and talking things out with Julie, Luke, and Reggie. They had all seemed utterly shocked that Willie would say anything like that, but Alex wasn’t so surprised. After all, things like this were what he worried about – being left alone, being disliked by the people he cared for most, being a nuisance, being abandoned. Deep down in the pit of his worst anxieties, he had been worried that something like this could have happened.

He just had never thought it would have come from Willie.

While band helped him calm down, it didn’t help cheer him up. He regretted even bringing the argument up in the first place – if he had ignored his feelings (which Julie had bluntly explained to him were jealousy) then he could have avoided the whole argument. Instead of lying in his cold bed, unable to sleep that night, he could have been curled up with Willie on the couch in the studio, warm and cosy because Willie was like a human radiator.

He knew that neither of them had been fair on each other. He could see Willie’s side of the argument once he had calmed down. But he knew that what he had said was equally valid and he couldn’t get past the scorn in Willie’s voice when he’d said those damning words.

He didn’t hear from Willie all throughout Sunday and didn’t make any moves to contact him himself either. If he did, he had no clue where he would have even begun. Perhaps an apology – but where was he supposed to take the conversation from there?

So Sunday was silent.

Alex was slightly dreading school on Monday, but he wasn’t about to ruin his high grades by not showing up, especially this close to the end of the semester. Grudgingly, he headed to school and went straight to his first lesson, which just so happened to be the lesson from Hell: English.

He arrived there before the rest of the class, including Ms Osbourne, which meant he had time to dwell on his thoughts alone. He probably wasn’t going to fail this class – despite Saturday having been a nightmare, he had managed to get a lot of good work done on the project and it would be of a very high quality when he finally got it finished. But he still had more work to do and he knew that he really ought to do it with Harry. Absently, he pondered whether or not to bring Willie next time he needed to go to Harry’s house.

Talk of the devil, Alex thought as the classroom door swung open and none other than Harry himself sauntered in. He looked at Alex sat there alone, the only other person in the room, and grunted, coming to sit beside him.

Alex didn’t have the energy to be scared of Harry Reynolds today.

“I’ve been looking for you, Mercer,” Harry said conversationally.

“Oh, joy,” Alex deadpanned. Harry looked surprised, probably because Alex wasn’t cowering in fear, but he shrugged it off.

“I wanted to talk to you,” he continued. “I just wanted to say that your boyfriend, that Willie guy, he’s really cool. I mean, the way he was talking about skating the other day – I don’t know if you realise it, man, but he has a real shot at going pro.”

“I know,” Alex spat. “He’s my boyfriend, of course I know. Maybe I don’t skate but I still listen to him. And I know him better than you do.”

Harry held up a hand. “Woah, calm down, Bin B– uh. Alex. I’m just trying to say the guy is really cool and you’re really lucky to have him. And also… talking to him the other day, he said– well, you weren’t listening, were you?”

Alex shook his head.

“We did stop talking about skating at some point, you know,” Harry told him. “Willie was telling me how awesome you are and, you know, explaining why he likes you so much. And I guess it made me realise that I’ve kind of been a jerk to you for a long time – I mean, he literally told me so. He told me to stop being such a douchebag to you.”

Alex grunted. “He’s right. You should stop. It sucks.”

Harry nodded. “I wanted to apologise for it, I guess. I’m sorry for being so nasty to you. I think it’s just because I was young and dumb and I didn’t realise it was hurting you at first, then it just stuck. I kind of always thought it was friendly too – I didn’t think you minded. I thought it was banter.”

“It wasn’t,” Alex said, meeting his eyes. “It never was. I’m terrified of you, you’ve made my life a misery. Thanks for the apology, but it’s no excuse.”

“I know that,” he admitted. “But I just wanted to explain why. I’m going to try my best to be a better guy from now on. It won’t make up for everything I’ve done in the past, but can you give me a chance to get this right?”

Alex considered. Somehow, Harry seemed completely serious. His expression was slightly pleading and he looked a little awkward and uncomfortable to be asking this of Alex, but it seemed real.

So he nodded.

“Fine. Thank you.”

Harry clapped him on the back. “No worries, dude. And, uh… this might not be my place to ask, but are you okay? You look down.”

Alex shrugged. “I had an argument with Willie after we left your place the other day. I’ve not spoken to him since.”

“Was it my fault?” Harry asked.

“Kinda,” Alex told him, shrugging again. “I just… I didn’t like how friendly you two seemed. After everything you’ve done to me in the past, watching him get along with you like it was nothing made me a little mad.”

“Sorry, bro,” Harry said, scratching the back of his neck. “I’m not into him or anything, so you’ve got nothing to worry about there – plus, he’s crazy about you, so even if someone else did like him they’d be out of luck. I just wanted to talk with someone about skating for once, none of my friends are into it.”

“Willie said the same thing,” Alex admitted.

Harry nodded awkwardly. “I don’t have any say in your relationship, but honestly I’m kind of invested in it now and I think you guys should talk it out. I’d hate to think I played some part if you ended up breaking up over this.”

“I don’t want to break up with him,” Alex objected, horrified. The thought of breaking up with Willie, losing him forever, made him feel sick to the stomach.

The rest of the class began filing into the classroom. Harry stood up, shrugged, and then clapped Alex on the shoulder.

“Go talk to him, then.”

Alex, for the first time in his life, took the advice Harry had given him and decided to take that first, absolutely terrifying step towards fixing the break between himself and Willie. If he knew his boyfriend (and he did) then Willie would have gone to the skatepark straight after school, so that was where Alex headed too.

Sure enough, Alex found Willie at the skatepark, sat at the top of the highest ramp. Every now and then, someone on a board would do a trick nail-bitingly close to Willie’s face, but he didn’t flinch even once. He was staring off into the peachy sunset, seemingly lost in his thoughts. Alex climbed up there and sat himself down next to him.

“Is this seat taken?” he asked uneasily.

Willie startled and turned to Alex, caught unawares. “Alex! I thought you–”

Willie didn’t get to finish his sentence because Alex pulled him into a tight, bone-crushing, fierce hug, pouring every last ounce of love and regret into it. He felt Willie hug back with equal force and buried his face into Willie’s long hair. This, he knew, was how it was supposed to be – Alex and Willie, boyfriends who care far too much about each other, not Alex and Willie, boyfriends on the edge of a break-up.

Eventually, Alex withdrew himself and let Willie go mostly, still keeping a tight clutch on his upper arms.

“I am so sorry,” he said, breathless. “I’m sorry for everything I said and for starting the argument and for everything that happened that day.”

Willie shook his head. “Don’t. I’m sorry, I should have realised how talking to Harry like that would have made you feel. It was dumb of me, and I shouldn’t have said such hurtful things to you, and–”

“I get it,” Alex said breezily, “I’m a lot to deal with.”

Desperately, Willie said, “But that’s not what I meant! I can’t explain what I was trying to say, but I wouldn’t change anything about you or our relationship for the world. You mean the everything to me, Alex, and I never want to do something to jeopardise what we have ever again. I’d do anything to take back what I said to you that day.”

Alex pulled him back into the hug, needing to be close to him. “It wasn’t just you. It was both of us. And Harry. But we’ve all apologised now, even him, so we can put this whole thing behind us.”

Willie pulled back, surprised. “He apologised?”

“Yeah,” Alex said, nodding. “Because of you. He said you were going on about how amazing I am and he realised he’d been a jerk.”

Willie blushed the tiniest bit, and playfully punched Alex’s arm. “Well, you are amazing. You’re more than amazing. You’re a miracle and I’m lucky to have you.”

Smiling, Alex cupped Willie’s cheek and gently pulled him in for a kiss. It was soft, slow, and Alex felt like they were glowing, bright and warm and happy. They kissed until every unspoken word had been said, until the last of the orange sunset had ebbed away into night-time blue, until streetlights cast an amber glow across the skatepark, in which they were the only ones left. Alex felt like he was finally at peace, with himself and with Willie.

He pulled back and rested his forehead against Willie’s. “I’m lucky to have you too. I can’t even begin to understand what good luck brought you to me.”

Willie moved back slightly, shuffled further away until he was only holding Alex’s hands, until that was the only point where they touched. Alex missed his warmth.

“Sorry,” Willie giggled, smile bright. “I wanted to be able to look you in the eyes for this.”

“For what?” Alex asked.

Willie’s smile softened. “I love you, Alex. And I’m pretty sure I always will.”

Alex’s heart stopped. It was the first time he’d ever heard those words out loud. Sure, he had felt them in every little action from Willie in all the time they’d been together – he had felt his love in the way he cared for him when he was sick, in the way he bundled himself up in Alex’s hoodies, in the way he played with Alex’s hair, in the way he brought him back from the edge when he was anxious, in the way he devoted every part of himself to Alex.

He had loved Willie in return too, in the little ways – how he listened to Willie talk about skating and watched him practise, how he brushed and braided Willie’s hair to relax them both, how he danced with Willie whenever he wanted because he simply couldn’t say no, how he wrote songs that only Willie would ever hear, how he listened to Willie talk nonsense in his sleep on those nights they slept at the studio together.

But he too had never said the words out loud.

He pulled Willie in for another kiss, brief but burning, and then held his hands again. Willie was right – this was something Alex wanted to look in his eyes for.

“I love you, too, Willie. I’ll never stop.”

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toomanyopinionss · 4 years ago

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Ok, so I’m gonna be real with y’all...

I gave this slow the benefit of the doubt, DESPITE the ugly trailer, the whitewashing, etc. I really REALLY tried. But then I realized what they did wrong:

Bloom. I’ve seen this all TOO often. When the main girl has all of these issues and problems, and then the supporting characters... OH NO SORRY, the other MAIN CHARACTERS... have no CHOICE but to drop everything and and help her out. I mean, there was this one moment when they were in class, and Aisha was struggling with this assignment. Bloom had succeeded and I THOUGHT that she was gonna help Aisha out. Boy, was I wrong. This bitch made it all about her, everyone else’s problems be damned. She even went so far as to be upset when Aisha was trying to study and wasn’t listening to her complain about one thing or the other... my girl, THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU. Ugh, so selfish.

Riven. What exactly is his character? At first glance, he seemed like a harmless bisexual guy who’s never sober and doesn’t like responsibility. But then he latched onto Beatrix (who we will get to later) and it’s like the show didn’t even know what to do with him!!! His friendship with Sky is forced at best, toxic at worst. His relationship with Dane brought to light the blatant biphobia, as well as homophobia in the show. Round of applause. I mean, in the beginning, riven told Beatrix that the only reason he was getting close to Dane was to embarrass him because of Dane’s SEXUAL ORIENTATION???!!! (please tell me if I read that wrong, I hope that I did. It’s 2021, what the fuck.)

The WiNx GiRlS. Wow. I don’t even know where to begin. So let me just list them off:

Stella is too Regina George for my liking, with no character development. Yes, I’m aware she had the entire situation with her mom, but I’m talking about her relationship with the girls specifically. When did she become friends with them?! Anyways...

Flora. Oh SORRY! Terra. I get what they were trying to do. Fatphobia still exists in the media today. I mean, I’m plus sized! But the way they portrayed her. The way they made her look like the most annoying girl in the room whenever she so much as opened her mouth. The bullying she received from people she was friends with in the past (I’m so serious. Apparently riven used to be friends with her or something, and then he was so quick to insult her... I don’t even know). I felt myself cringing through the entire series as her friends would consistently comment about how she’s “too much” or “her outfits aren’t it” or how “she’s so dramatic.” Disappointing.

Techna. Oops sorry, forgot. NEXT.

Musa. So... she’s an empath. An emo-empath. I don’t exactly know how to feel about this. I don’t even call her musa in my head, tbh. Where is her personality? Where is her backstory? Her opinions? Her beliefs? This show portrays itself as such a forward-looking, women empowerment type of show, but at the end of the day, it’s all talk no show. Musa’s entire character was defined by 3 things. Her powers. Her boyfriend. And her headphones.

Aisha. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL. You’re really gonna sit there and tell me that this girl... the only girl who functions on COMMON SENSE, mind you... is supposed to be a main character. When she thinks about herself, for once, she’s selfish. When she does the right thing, she gets hate. Her powers are only used to assist bloom. Her exist is only used to assist bloom. This girl got A WHOLE ASS JOB IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL YEAR to assist bloom. Three words: fuck. this. show.

Beatrix...

So anyways... that’s the show. If u want me to rant more, let me know. I’ve got a looooot of anger in me.

#2020 #fate series #fate the winx saga #the winx saga #the winx club #it’s a no from me #netflix #you don messed up

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daylightinathousandcuts · 5 years ago

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Reddie oneshot - ‘Cheeks As Red As Rudolph’s Nose’

Summary: Richie buys an ugly Christmas jumper, but lies to the shop assistant and says it’s for his mum in embarrassment. Later, Richie sees the cute shop assistant again, while wearing said awful jumper.

Richie loved the idea of Christmas.

Christmas time was a happy, joyful time in which you’d see your family and friends. It seemed amazing, and it was - when you had family or friends, or even a boyfriend, it’s spend it with. But this year, Richie was alone.

He had his family, sure. But after moving out of Derry to New York to fulfil his acting career, which his family were supportive of, he was broke. And so were they. Meaning, he did not have the money to go and visit this Christmas. Be with his family.

Being alone didn't seem so bad anyways. He didn't need people to have a Christmas dinner, and he didn't need people to watch stupid Christmas movies and eat chocolate with.

He didn't need it, but he wanted it.

Taking a long, self-deprecating sigh, Richie glanced at the Christmas decorations as he stepped into his local store, Morrisons.

Deciding to not be a complete grinch and actually have involve himself in the Christmas spirit, he quickly grabbed a basket and popped a few, cheap and tacky Christmas decorations in.

And then, he saw it.

An ugly Christmas jumper, that happened to be the mouldiest shade of yellow possible. It had a bad excuse for a Christmas pudding plastered in the middle, and the designer had made the poor choice to have the pudding dripping off the jumper (when really the pudding just ended up looking like shit, literal shit).

Richie snorted, prancing over time jab at it and make some funny comments to poor shoppers walking by; when he finally touched it.

And holy shit, was this jumper soft. Running his fingers through the fabric felt like heaven.

Trying to keep his pride, Richie quickly scattered through the racks before finding his size, and throwing it in his basket. Grabbing a chocolate bar and a sandwich, he made his way over to the self-checkouts, not in the mood to talk to an overly enthusiastic cashier that day.

But it was just his luck today, because as he scanned his "ugly but looks really

comfortable" Christmas jumper, ‘Satan’s Girlfriend’, as Richie called the self scan alert; making people turn to look at Richie.

'Please place your item in the bagging area.' The voice said, and Richie groaned in annoyance.

"It's in the fucking bagging area!" Richie shouted at the self-scanner gaining him some strange looks from confused shoppers. Some glaring at him for his language.

"Do you need any help?" A quiet, timid voice said from behind him. Richie just nodded in annoyance, not even bothering to turn around and look the shop assistant in the eye.

Richie groaned, “Uh, yeah. This machine has got a major case of dumb bitch disease. It doesn’t even realise my shit is in the bagging area.” He complained, still slamming the Christmas jumper onto the bagging area repeatedly.

"Wait,” the shop assistant said, obviously a little startled by Richie’s aggressive nature. “let me help you out." The man said, and Richie turned around to face him.

And holy shit, was he cute.

Richie grinned, “Can I put you in the bagging area? Or somewhere else, if you’d like?”

The man (or angel, as Richie had just decided) only scoffed, before swiping his badge onto the self scan checkout.

He looked back up at Richie, “There, all sorted.” He said, looking down at Richie’s shopping. “tell me if-“

He paused suddenly. Richie seemed to notice a distraction so he filled the gap, “what’s the matter? Am I too beautiful to handle?”

The man glared at Richie, but it was obvious he was surpressing a smile, “seriously?” He started. “You’re buying that?” He finished, pointing at the ugly and ridiculous Christmas jumper.

Richie, for the first time ever, was lost for words.

"You know, you’re the first person I've seen buying that Christmas jumper." The shop assistant continued. “It’s the ugliest shit I’ve ever seen.”

Richie panicked and tried to think of millions of excuses, before attempting to hide his burning red cheeks and stumbling out a weak, "What?”

The shop assistant pointed down at the Christmas jumper Caspar was now stuffing into his plastic bag. "They aren't very popular, you obviously like the more...different kind of styles."

Richie shrugged, regaining his posture, "It's for my mum." He lied. "She always likes ones like the ugly ones. Makes her feel more christmassy. Do you seriously think I’d put a jumper like that, on a body like this?” He asked, jokingly running a hand on his hip.

Yes, I would, Richie thought.

The shop assistant didn’t respond, and looked slightly flustered at Richie’s action and words.

“Anyways,” Richie started. “What’s your name then, sweet cheeks?”

“Don’t call me that.” The shop assistant quickly responded. “And it’s Eddie.” He smiled.

Richie grinned in return, “Well, Ed’s, I think you’d look pretty damn cute in one of these jumpers. You’d make it work.” He commented.

“Don’t call me that either,” Eddie snapped again. “And-“

Before Eddie could finish his sentence, another one of the self scan machines went off. Eddie flashed him an apologetic grin before quickly jogging over to fix the problem.

Richie, in a moment of quick panic, payed with his contactless card and started for the exits. He felt like he was going to pass out, but, in a good way he convinced himself. Cuteness overload maybe, he thought.

He felt damn stupid walking away, but he knew he’d see him again, he’d make sure of it. But he’d be more prepared.

It was now Christmas Eve and Richie, like planned, was alone. He was frantically cleaning his apartment preparing for Christmas Day, even though nobody was coming over.

"Oh crap," He mumbled to himself. "I haven't brought any lunch."

He rumaged through his cupboards hoping there would be something to eat in there, anything at all. The truth was, if there was nothing in there, then he'd have to go to Morrisons. There were no restaurants or other places where he could get food nearby by walking distance.

He could have punched someone when he realised he had to go to Morrisons. Not because he hates it there, because he might bump into Eddie again. And he was terrified, he's been thinking about him since that day in the Morrisons with the self-scanner.

He was halfway to Morrisons, remembering what had happened. Firstly he ran out the store, and ran straight into the revolving doors straight after the automatic doors. He ate his chocolate bar on the way home out of worry from just meeting Eddie, and for the jumper, he was wearing it right now.

Fucking hell, he thought. He was wearing the Christmas jumper right now. In plain sight, without a coat or anything. He was too lazy to go back and get his coat or change, and not to mention absolutely starving.

There was a chance he could bump into Eddie, and he's probably going to laugh at him for his stupid Christmas jumper. And be angry at him for lying and never ever want to see him again or even breathe the same air and oh no...he was fucked.

After a few moments of waiting outside Morrisons car park planning what to do, he finally decided to turn on his ninja mode and successfully get a sandwich and bag of crisps and pay for them without being spotted by Eddie.

He put his plan into action, by firstly sprinting to the other end of the store to where all the sandwhiches were. Possibly knocking a few things down in the process, but he considered it collateral damage.

He grabbed a chicken sandwhich, and walked over to the crisps. Grabbing a packet of Salt and Vinegar, his plan seemed be turning out very successful.

Paying for it was the hard bit, because that's where Eddie was.

Cute cute cute Eddie. Who made Richie nervous in a good way. Who Richie had chickened out and walked away from in a moment of gay panic.

Richie did some kind of run-jogging thing over to the tills and placed his items down.

Eddie, to Richie’s luck, was at the self scanners. This was his best bet.

"I'm sorry sir, you need ten or more items to use the tills. Can you please take your items to the self-scanner?"

Okay so now this was his worst bet.

He nodded in defeat, and grabbed his food and tried to go over without being spotted. He placed his items down and scanned the crisps, when suddenly the lady blasted out again with the 'place your items in the bagging area.'

"Oh...shh up! I'll pay you extra money if you just be quiet-"

"Hey.” A voice said behind him. It was Eddie, of course it was.

Richie tried not to turn his body around so he wouldn't see his jumper, and he attempted to get out of this.

"Don’t worry, everything is fine. Go back to your scanning shit or whatever!” He almost begged.

Richie, still trying to scan his sandwich hopelessly trying to get out of this, looked like a mad man. It wasn't working affectively because he couldn't see what he was doing, and his hand was shaking. He was sure he hit someone. He couldn't think of any excuses, "I’m not who you think I am.”

"What are you talking about?" Eddie asked with a sigh. “If you need help-“

“No I’m fine.” Richie cut him off.

‘Item not detected’ the lady rang out again.

Eddie huffed loudly, "For Gods sakes, if you don't want to talk to me just say. But at least let me help you so the machine can shut up.”

Richie shook his head, "It's not that." He breathed out. "I'm bisexual and I saw you yesterday and I nearly passed out because you were so hot and nice and stuff.” He glanced up to see Eddie looking at him intently.

“So I ran because I was scared because I've been alone for a while and now I'm here and I'm trying to get away from you because I'm in that ugly Christmas jumper that‘s actually super comfortable but embarrassing.” Richie blurted.

Eddie nodded, a small smile on his lips, “so it’s not for your mum?” He questioned. Richie just shook his head.

He giggled, which Richie almost passed out again at, "I thought you hated me. Now turn around, I want to see you with this Christmas jumper on."

Richie nodded, "Okay." He turned around and Eddie burst out laughing. Richie decided it was his favourite sound.

"I have to be honest, it really suits you." He said muffled by laughter.

"Are you trying to say that I'm ugly?" Richie playfully joked, and Eddie looked up at him.

"No, quite the opposite, actually." Eddie commented. “I never asked your name.”

“Richie,” he breathed out. “Richie Tozier.”

At that moment, a lady in the line for the self-scanner spoke up, "excuse me, you are kind of holding up the que." she said politely.

They both nodded and apologised before Richie paid the money, and took his sandwich and crisps.

"But surely you knew I was going to be here." Eddie told him as they walked a respectable distance from the self-scanners. "So why wear the Christmas jumper? If you said it was for your mum after all.”

Richie shrugged, "I was cleaning my apartment and I decided to be more festive so I put on some Christmas music and my jumper. I then discovered I actually didn't have any thing to eat, and I wouldn't admit it but I really wanted to see you again even though I was worried and...yeah I forgot I was wearing it."

Eddie laughed, "Okay, how's this. I take you out on a date tonight. But one rule, you don't wear the Christmas jumper on our date. I promise I won't wear my ugly Christmas jumper." He giggled.

Richie took his hand to shake, but he didn't let go afterwards, "Yeah,” He agreed. “Sounds groovy.”

Eddie almost groaned, “don’t say groovy.”

Richie only winked in return, “the Christmas jumper won't be the only thing I won't be wearing."

#reddiememe #it chapter ii #it chapter one #richie tozier #richie and eddie #reddiefanfiction #reddie #eddiekaspbrak

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hello-justawriterofthings · 6 years ago

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Shattered Heart - Harry Styles

Hi Guys, Quick note. Gif is not mine! I had this idea for a short little piece and I just decided decided to Throw Harry onto my page, since he's one of my favorite people and I miss 1D ( And I'm currently listing to them as I write this ) . It's completely fiction and it's not going to be an normal thing, I just wanted to write this! I still love my Billy and Steve, no worries there. I also don't know all the lingoes, so I say award show a lot. Please let me know if you liked this and thank you so much for Reading <3 <3. [ Warnings - Language and a whole lot of Angst.

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Award show Blues. The one in which H is nominated for a few awards for the album he's put out on his own and instead of inviting his current girlfriend, he invites his Ex. { I made up the Ex's name, because I didn't want to use one of his actual ex's }.

Harry and I had been together for 2 years, but I had known him since the 1D days. We didn't live together no, mostly because of the constant traveling he did for his job. We both thought it was best to keep separate places, I had a steady job and I felt I wasn't ready to live with anyone other than my Best friend Paige. At least until we both had enough time off to make the transition. When he was home though, I spent as much time with him as I could, but even with being home, he was still extremely busy. Ever since his Self titled album was released, things were hectic in his world, the talk shows, radio shows, appearances and concerts, it was hard to keep track of what he was doing daily. But I was so proud of him, I just missed having alone time with him. It was a Saturday afternoon, almost night. Once I got off of work, I drove to Harry's apartment, hoping to spend sometime with him tonight. I let out a deep sigh as I arrived , he wasn't home yet, but I still let myself in with the key he'd given me. My cell phone rang from inside my purse, I quickly grabbed it, pressing accept call. " Hey Babe " Harry stated happily, " Hey! " I responded with a smile. " Where are you right Now? I have great news and I have to tell you about it " he exclaimed, " I'm at your place, hope that's okay " I stated with a sigh. " That's perfect! We'll order in some food to celebrate. I'll be there in a bit " he stated excitedly before hanging up, I let out a small chuckle before taking off my jacket and hanging it on the coat rack, along with my purse. Then I slide out of my shoes and walked towards the master bedroom. I had a drawer of different clothes in his dresser, I grabbed a pair of sweatpants and on over sized t-shirt. Changing quickly and then making my way towards the kitchen, to make myself a cup of tea. I already knew what his big news was, it was all over Twitter. The front door swung open moments after I finished making two cups of tea, " Babe! Where are you " Harry Exclaimed. I chuckled as I stepped out of the kitchen, " Right here H, calm yourself. I made you a cup of tea " I smiled. " You're amazing " he stated pulling me into a hug, " Your dramatic " I chuckled. " No I'm not, I'm so happy! I was nominated babe, nominated for three awards. Me, just my album " he stated happily, squeezing me tighter. I smiled to myself " I know, I saw the nominees this morning. I'm so happy and proud of you H! ", he pulled away giving me a peck on the lips " I just can't believe it ". " Well, believe it, You're so talented and you deserve all of this " I stated with a smile, making him smile widely back at me " The award show is in a few weeks, I'm so thankful for all of this " . I smiled once more pulling him into another hug, he did deserve all of this. I know he was a bit worried after he and the boys went on a hiatus, afraid people wouldn't care about the music he created on his own, but the fans seemed to still be supportive of all the boy's music. Whether they were together or not. He's put so much hard work into this album, making it amazing, He deserved the world.

Now, a few days before the Award show, Harry and I hadn't talked much about it. It was weird, like I knew he was excited about it, but never really talked to me about his excitement. So on Monday night, I brought it up, not expecting what ended up happening. I had made dinner for the two of us, we talked about my day at work and his day at the studio. " So, we haven't spoken much about the award show coming up... But, I don't know what I should expect? What should I wear? Should we match, or is that to lame " I questioned, " Oh um actually... " he hesitated. Making me look at him confused, " I invited someone else to go with me " he then hesitated. " Wait, what? " I questioned with my brows furrowed, only to have him shrug. " Harry, who'd you invite? " I asked with a scoff, " Julie " He stated simply. I raised an eyebrow " Julie? As in your ex girlfriend Julie? ", he nodded as he continued to eat, but I had already lost my appetite. " So, your taking you ex to the award show? The first award show that your first album is up for? Let me get this straight, you're choosing to take your ex girlfriend, the one that cheated on you and left you broken hearted. Your taking her instead or your current, supportive girlfriend? " I questioned with my arms crossed over my chest, " Yeah, it's not a big deal. I know you hate things like this, so I figured you wouldn't want to go. She's an assistant at the studio, she wondered if I was taking anyone, she seemed interested " he stated with his brows raised. I stared at him dumbfounded for a second, " You didn't even ask me if I wanted to go.... I did want to go. Sure, I hate being the center of attention in large crowds, but I would've done it for you, because I'm so fucking proud of the accomplishments you've done on your own. I wanted to be there to support you, but you didn't ask if I'd be interested in going. Instead, now that bitch ( Sorry to the Julies, love you ) is taking my place " I stated with a deep sigh. " Hey! She's changed a lot since we broke up, no need to call her names! " he exclaimd, " Now you defending her, isn't that that adorable!! Don't forget who was there when she dumped your ass, Don't forget who was there to pick up the peices to your Shattered heart. She was a horrible to you in the year you dated, so yeah, she'll always be a bitch in my eyes " I scoffed loudly. He didn't respond, " What have I been this whole time, a 2 year rebound. Were you just waiting for her to show back up, apoligize and beg for you back. Is that what this whole thing has been? I didn't even know she worked at the studio " I stated with yet another scoff. I stared at him, only to see him shrug. Which made me roll my eyes, I stood up and grabbed the plate, making my way into the kitchen to escape this conversation. I placed the plate in the diswasher befre letting out a deep sigh, then I made my way towards the front door. " I thought you were sleeping over? " Harry asked from the dinning rooom, where he had yet to move. " I don't think its necisary anymore, so I changed my mind " I stated honestly as I put my shoes and coat on. " Come on Y/N, it's not that big of deal. I don't get why you're acting like this ", I shook my head " It's not a big deal to you, but you made this choice Harry. I hope you have fun at the award show, good luck ". After my finale statement, I exited his apartment, slamming the front door behind me.

The night of the award show had finally arrived, I was sat in my pajama's on the sofa, gripping a large throw pillow. " Y/N, you know You could come with us tonight. Just because Harry is a complete idiot and doesn't realize he made a mistake, doesn't mean you have to sit at home, alone " Niall stated with a smile, " Or we can just stay here, I'm not nominated for anything tonight ". I shook my head " Niall, please. I know you want to go and have a good time with your girl ", Paige rolled her eyes " Y/N, you know you can tag along. It can be like old times, hang out, watch all the performances, joke about all the ugly outfits ". I let out a deep sigh " I don't want to tag along, I wanted to go with my boyfriend, but he'd rather spend hours with his ex, so I'm not going. I don't care to see or talk to him right now, I've been dodging his calls. You two go and have fun. I'll be here enjoying my extra large pizza and re-watching old 1D videos, remembering what it was like before all this drama ", Paige and Niall both chuckled while shaking their heads. " Alright, we'll be back by midnight " Niall stated giving me a hug, Paige followed after. Then the two of them walked out the door and towards the limo. I let out a deep sigh, finding myself alone once more. I skipped watching the Red Carpet event, because I didn't care to see what everyone was wearing. Once the pizza arrived, I quickly paid the pizza boy and made my way towards the cacoon of blankets I had made on the couch. My phone startled me by loudly going off with notifications from Twitter. And with my curiosity, I just couldn't help but look.

Harry Styles, escorting a new mystery woman down the red carpet, Is this the end of Y/N? More at 8pm. There were pictures attached, the two of them looked right together, he looked happy. I now had myself thinking that I had ruined the relationship before Harry and I, what had I done... When more pictures of the Pair popped up, I let the tears flow. We were done, over a something as little as this...

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Hey guys, I know this is shit, but I really liked the idea. If you'd like to see a part 2, just let me know. Than you all so much for Reading, I hope you enjoyed and you're all Amazing <3<3

#harry styles angst #harry styles #harry styles writing #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #angst #story #fanfiction #fanfic #harry styles imagine #hope you like it #Thank you for reading #thank you for the support #your amazing

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catico5 · 5 years ago

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Surviving the Struggles and Learning to Breathe

Everyone has felt the pain of struggling at some point in their life. Even those who live rich and lavish lifestyles are not immune to struggle. Each person’s struggles are unique. What I have learned is that it is possible to survive the struggles and learn to breathe again. I say that while currently going through a struggle, but that does not mean I won’t fight my way through it. If I hang my head and give up now, I’ll continue to struggle without end. If, however, I learn to push through it and do whatever it takes, eventually, I might find an end to those struggles.

A Rough Start

I experienced a rough start, as many do. Growing up, I had some amazing family members, but my main family unit was not the best, particularly my mother and stepfather. Who I became as a result of how I was raised was not someone I was proud of being. I became a liar, a thief, and a cheater. I did whatever I could to get attention, even if that attention was negative.

A part of me welcomed negative attention because I was used to negativity. That negativity felt normal to me. Despite having some pretty wonderful family members (aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents) who showered me with positive affection, it was not what I primarily received. What went on behind closed doors was far beyond positive or even normal.

Eventually, I found my way out of that situation and into the life of a father I hadn’t know all my life. He and his wife were two of the most amazing people. They did their best to teach me what it meant to live a better life. By that point, I was a rebellious teenager so deeply rooted in the negativity that I pushed away from their affections and lashed out.

Becoming a “Know-It-All”

By the age of 18, I had become what most of us do at that time. I became a know-it-all. I “know” what’s best for me. I “know” moving out and being on my own is the right thing to do. I “know” that falling in love and dropping out of school is not a mistake. That’s right, folks. I walked out of a loving home and into the world thinking I would be alright. I was both young and naive and that would eventually come back to haunt me.

Living with a Narcissist

I moved out of my father and stepmother’s (I now call her mom) home to live with my then-boyfriend (now my ex). He seemed so sweet and charming. He was willing to leave his home behind to make sure I was okay and had a place to stay. What a prince charming, right? Wrong. It started out blissfully sweet. We ended up on a couch belonging to some of his friends. They took us in without question, but I felt like a burden.

I had felt like a burden from the time I was young, so my irrational thoughts had me convinced I was a burden to everyone. As such, I made the decision to drop out of school and find a job so I could make my own way. There I was, finally an A/B student and I was leaving school and my dreams behind me. But it would be okay! I had the love of my life with me and we were going to get through this together!

Then the unplanned pregnancy happened. I was so nervous, but we would be okay! We loved one another and we were trying to build a life for ourselves. Only, he did not receive the news so warmly. He accused me of ruining his plans, his future. A side of him never before seen reared its ugly head. For the first time in a long time, I felt very alone and afraid. He went back and forth between charming sweetheart and a physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive monster.

That went on for 14 more years and that abuse continued to intensify. It even reached a point that I thought I was going to die several times. I kept justifying it. I convinced myself that somehow I deserved what was happening. A part of me believed that I didn’t deserve anything better.

The Real Hero

Then a real hero, my legitimate prince charming, entered my life. He was an incredible friend. He assisted me around the house and with the kids when I was left to do it on my own. Yes, I was still in a relationship with the father of my children, but he was always out doing his own thing rather than helping me raise the children we had made together.

Part of me was grateful for his lack of attention because it meant he wasn’t abusing me. My friend became my source of strength. He made me realize how much I had been handling on my own. He helped me realize that I was stronger than I thought and I didn’t need to put up with the constant abuse and negligence, nor did my children.

So, one day, I finally decided to kick my abuser out the door. As the months went by, I enjoyed being single and finding myself again. During those months, a different kind of relationship blossomed between my friend and me. We started dating! Faster forward three years later and we were married. Has it been perfect over the last four years of our marriage? Absolutely not.

We have suffered through our ups and downs. We have argued as any couple does. But each time, we emerge from those struggles with more love and understanding than ever before. We learn how to overcome and succeed so we are not pulled apart by the struggles of everyday life.

Pursuing Success

Now, here we are. We love one another, but that doesn’t mean we don’t struggle. We both work our tails off, but we struggle financially because of poor decisions we both made when we were younger. He pursued interests that many young guys do, which had nothing to do with education. I gave up my chance to pursue an education when I became a young mom caught deep in the web of an abusive relationship.

I knew I had to change those struggles. I got my GED a few years before and then finally shed my fears and anxiety and enrolled in college. Am I nervous? Absolutely. Do I fear failure? Yes. But failure is not an option and I know I can make this happen.

There are many obstacles that stand in our way still. We have to figure out how to overcome them, of course, but I believe we can find a way if we keep digging deep. With school getting ready to start, we stress over our finances. My studies will cut into my work schedule, which means less household income. We already struggle daily with rent, utilities, and even purchasing enough food to eat.

There have been times that my husband and I have gone hungry to make sure the kids have full bellies each day. He works endlessly to keep up as do I, but the struggle is real. I have already been in college for half a year, so I know the struggles will become far heavier once school starts back up again, but I also know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I know if I keep pushing and I get that degree, I have the chance to turn our lives around. My husband keeps pushing himself trying to support my endeavors because he knows that my accomplishments can provide us a better future. I love him for his hard work and dedication to our family. I love him for stepping up to become a father to children who needed it and a loving husband to a woman who had no idea what it meant to have a healthy relationship.

It is hard now, and I know I will face many nights crying, feeling hungry, and wishing on a star for a miracle, But I know that miracle will happen when I make it happen myself through my dedication and perseverance to survive this struggle. And when I’m done, I’ll know what it means to breathe again.

So if you are in the midst of a struggle, just know that things will get better. Maybe not now. Maybe not even tomorrow. But eventually. Don’t stop fighting. Believe in yourself and just keep pushing. You’ve got this.

#struggles #student #college #momlife #parenting #lifeishard #strength #dedication #perseverance #debt #lifehappens #believe #youvegotthis

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hardlyfatal · 6 years ago

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first line meme

Tagged by @notpmahalem: List the openings of the last ten stories you published. Look to see if there are any patterns that you notice yourself, and see if anyone else notices any!

Tagging @ladytp, @lauraann1013, @frostbitepandaaaaa, @raginglittlehurricane, @jaimebrienneonline, @wackygoofball, and anyone else who wants to seduce everyone into trying their work!

1. Desperado

In 1887, Kingsland, Texas was a prosperous little town, as towns went in that place and in that time. The land upon which it stood had first been claimed by the Targaryens, an enterprising family from Boston, forty years earlier. It lay empty for almost a decade, the Targaryen-built shops sitting vacant on the dusty main street, but then the Martells— aristocrats newly arrived from Spain by way of Mexico— saw the value of land which, even if not arable or grazeable, would still need to be owned by someone, somehow.

The Martells bought everything the Targaryens hadn’t, and soon had made themselves a fortune by selling the bottom land around the river to the Tully family, and the lush area out by the lake to the Tyrells. Half of the huge rocky outcroppings of granite and and sandstone (and, it was rumored, gold) was bought by the Lannisters and the other half by the Arryns. Whatever was left was snatched up for the purpose of farming cattle by the likes of Starks and Baratheons. The empty shops filled up, as did the Targaryen coffers, and soon everyone was prospering and happy.

Well, most everyone, at least. There would always be those for whom prosperity was not enough; they had to reach ‘prosperity’ and then go another mile or two past it to ‘obscenely wealthy’, and even then, it might not suffice.

2. slowly stars go out each night

“…and then a friend told us about the most amazing marriage counselor, and we figured, what have we got to lose?”

Walda Bolton was an effervescent person, every sentence more like a burbling brook than human speech. Jaime had been charmed by it. At first.

Now, as a headache burgeoned behind his eyes, he found he hated it. Hated Walda. Hated everything. He set the phone on his desk to rub his temple and slung his feet up on the squat filing cabinet, trying to get comfortable. Walda kept talking, clearly audible even with the phone face-down.

“And it worked! Not only have we gotten past the little… hiccup… that almost broke us up, but we’re more in love than ever!”

3. Shoot the Moon

Jaime Lannister's assistant edged warily into his office, poised on her high heels like a gazelle ready to spring away from the lion before her at the first sign of danger. He wasn't in the best mood of his life, but he tried to foster an amicable, productive working relationship with his employees, especially Pia, who'd confided in him an unhappy past. She didn't deserve his ire. He forced his lips into a semblance of a smile.

"Yes, Pia?" he asked her, feigning a pleasant tone well enough to be impressed with his own acting skills. Thank the gods the day was almost over; he couldn't wait to get out of the office and go home.

"Your father's assistant emailed," Pia said miserably. "The OB just called a meeting in five minutes."

4. Love’s Disguise

Brienne Tarth was having a much better time at Tysha’s and Tyrion’s engagement party than she had expected. She’d wanted to enjoy it, of course, but having heard the groom’s tales of woe regarding various of his family’s less pleasant members, she’d harbored no real hopes of it being anything but drudgery. Fortunately, the joint was jumping and smiles abounded thanks to an excellent band and Tyrion’s insistence on a lavishly stocked bar. It was going well, if she said so herself, being Tysha’s second-in-command in organizing it.

She and Tysha had gravitated to each other as classmates in college, both being quiet and studious. They’d become and remained the closest of friends in the intervening years, and when Tysha had announced her engagement to one Tyrion Lannister, of course Brienne volunteered whatever talents she might possess in the way of planning the celebration.

5. This Never Happened Before

Brienne struggles, at first, to keep from crying as she watches the sun rise over the lake. Then she gives up and lets the tears fall; there is no one here to mock her for it, except the dog, and he's too busy licking his balls to care.

When the sun finishes its ascent into the sky, she scrubs at her face with her hands and then goes to put her coat on. At the door, she pauses and looks back into the beautiful, weird house in which she'd lived for a year. Stripped of the drapes that had framed each floor-to-ceiling glass wall, and all the furniture, the view through it is practically unimpeded. It appears to hover over the lake, with only its slender, stork-like supports interrupting the vista over God's Eye's silver-blue water.

From her coat, Brienne draws an envelope.

"Time to go," she says to the dog.

6. Sparks Ignite

Her phone dinged at an unwelcome time; Brienne was knee-deep— figuratively speaking— in an instrumental scene wherein her intrepid heroine narrowly escapes capture and certain death by the murderer against whom she is pitting her wits for the sake of truth, justice, and American cuisine. Scowling, she snatched up her phone to see who had messaged her.

Jaime: you home?

Brienne stared at it for longer than warranted. It was Wednesday, only three days after the Friday-night-that-had-turned-into-a-Saturday-morning with Cowboy Lannister, spent in a haze of sensuality. They hadn’t really established anything in the way of what was between them besides deciding they'd continue to see each other every weekend.

Brienne: Yes, why?

Jaime: i want to stop by

Brienne: in the middle of the day?

Next came a series of emojis: a winky face with tongue hanging out, a lipstick print, a kissy face.

Brienne: Is this your way of saying you want to come to my home and have sex?

He sent her a row of hands in a praying position. She rolled her eyes. If this was what passed for flirting chez Lannister, they were in for a bumpy ride.

7. Coup de Foudre

A sudden storm blew up and drove Jaime, walking down the street, to take shelter under an awning. A tall blonde person— a woman, he soon realized— was already standing there, arms wrapped around her waist to keep warm.

She turned to him with a wide, delighted grin on her face, and for a minute, his heart skipped a beat, because it was almost as if she were thrilled to see him, thrilled that he was there with her, and Jaime couldn’t remember the last time he’d been welcomed so warmly. That his presence had been so wanted, that he could be so valued.

But of course that wasn’t it, he realized when that first disconcerting moment had passed. She didn’t know him from Adam, and he didn’t know her from Eve. She was bizarrely tall, and ugly as homemade sin. But her pleasure was almost a palpable thing; he could nearly feel it vibrating in the drenched air around them.

8. Wherever You Will Go

The sun had not been seen in months, the last of the horses had been eaten, all three dragons had perished, and they were out of the wood needed to burn the dead; only Beric Dondarrion’s sword could be counted upon for that grim task.

Thus in that despondent state did commence the last of the battles, on the darkest of days.

9. Easy

The doorbell sounded, sooner than Brienne had expected, and she blew out a huge sigh of relief. Arya had been put in charge of booking the stripper for Sansa’s bachelorette party, regrettably, with the predictable result that she had forgotten completely. She had tried to convince Brienne that her own boyfriend, Gendry, would pinch-hit but Brienne put her size-thirteen foot down.

No, they were not getting Arya's attractive-but-not-a-dancer-and-it-showed boyfriend to substitute-strip. The band of drunken women currently lurching about the Starks’ living room in thigh-skimming bathrobes and clay mud masks (the first half of the evening being an indulgent spa experience, complete with pedicures and facials) would likely tear him to pieces— they needed a pro with experience in fending off groping hands and evading attempts to pluck his g-string, or the entire party would descend into chaos.

Well, more chaos.

10. None But You, Part 2

Sunday, 2 January 1813

Astapor, The Gods Only Know Where, Essos

My Dearest Fiancée,

I hope this letter finds you well. Apologies for the delay since my last; did I send it from Volantis or New Ghis? These cities are all blurring together, I’m afraid. I haven’t been able to tell one from the next since Lys.

I have just arrived at my deployment in Yunkai. I had been looking forward to enjoying some balmy heat, after a chilly and damp winter in Pentos. What a fool I was; in this part of the world, there is nothing but dry, choking red dust that sneaks it way into everything. And I do mean everything, wench.

(There, have I got you blushing yet?)

#first lines #first line meme #braime

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original-twin-blog · 7 years ago

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Episode 4 - The Reluctant Birth Story

The perfectionist in me really can’t help but approach these ramblings chronologically, which leads me once again, to a topic I don’t really enjoy talking about. I can’t discuss pregnancy in my last episode without detailing the ‘birth story’ next.

I used to revel in the retelling of the twins’ arrival. I would go into great detail about the awkward intricacies of each examination and each stage of labour. Now I can barely recall the name of the hospital without my scarlet cheeks swelling with the memories. On reflection, I can only assume my ongoing conversations with two unresponsive newborns wasn’t quite stimulating enough and so I bored the pants off anyone who would listen. Or, the zeal with which I threw myself into the retelling was some kind of survival strategy. Telling the tale somehow made sense of things. It validated that what happened, actually happened. I was naked, walking around a room moaning. I did tell the midwife that we should exchange numbers because we were best friends for life. Things happened that will only happen in that environment and circumstance; I had to confirm it did, in fact, happen to me. I digress, the point is it is not without a few toe curls that I share with you the details of Original Twin-babies’ arrival.

60% of twin births are carried out via cesarean section. There are a number of factors which make a section more likely; a low lying or shared placenta can cause problems during delivery. A quick delivery might be important due to one baby getting most of the nutrients and so the other baby’s growth is slowed or, twin-mums can request a section if they wish for it. The most common reason is that one of the babies is transverse (lying horizontal across bump) or breech (bum/legs pointing down). When twins are born, everything takes twice as long for baby#2 (this is what the professionals call the baby that's furthest away from the exit, I irrationally felt bad for our #2 as it really felt like she was being labelled second best from the start). So if there are any complications the situation can turn very dangerous very quickly.

Our opinions in all of our consultations was that we would just sheep-follow the advice of the hospital staff shepherds. Their years of experience definitely outweighed our total lack of knowledge on the subject. I’m pretty active, so I prefered to avoid the recovery of a section but as long as we had two healthy babies, we really didn’t care. In our last scan before their arrival, the twins were head down and in a good position. We planned therefore for a vaginal birth and that’s what we got.

Note the really ugly use of the word ‘vaginal’. There’s a reason for this. The alternative is to use the phrase ‘natural birth’. Many women believe this implies that a section is in someway unnatural - a belief I can totally understand. My experience (and there will be some that disagree) was that having babies torn out of my body didn’t feel very ‘natural’. I’m not sure a section would have been much different.

As it turned out, actually going in to labour was a bit of an anticlimax. Being so uncomfortable towards the end of my pregnancy; I was in early labour for a day or two without knowing it. I’d been very uncomfortable; the aches and pains had worsened. I scowled at anyone who could get out of a chair unaided. I just thought the haulage had taken its toll - my body preparing for the ordeal it was to undergo in 6 weeks time. In fact my waters had ‘ruptured’ (there’s something so gross about the pronoun use here. I feel like an ardent feminist declaring ownership of ‘my’ amniotic fluid - eugh). A quick call to Triage and a journey to Hospital told us that I’d stay the night on the ward for observation, scheduled to return home the following day. The aim was to keep Original Twin-twin babies in for another couple of weeks. So, I settled down to an evening of piling my swollen elephant-legs into compression socks and re-positioning my bed approximately every 30 seconds. At around 01.00, I heard a massive pop, had a gargantuan wee all over the floor and then experienced the most powerful, consuming, much-worse-than-I-had-ever-imagined contractions. Breathtaking, scary, overwhelming labour officially arrived. My trembling mass was escorted to the delivery ward, leaving a trail of leaking fluid behind me. The midwife started to ask “Have you thought about what type of pain relief”... “epidural” was my definitive response. I have never been so certain of anything in my life.

Although I successfully forgot some of the early trauma of labour, I will never ever forget the part played by my doting Husband, Original Twin-Dad. Let me set the scene. He had left me in the ward for home; he had work the next day and we both expected my hospital stay to be brief. No doubt he enjoyed some mindless television to ease his lonely evening away from the bloated, whinging thing which had recently replaced his wife. He went to bed early; it had been a long day.

Switch to original twin, waiting for epidural - unable to stop apologising and exclaiming “I’m one of those women!” “I can’t do it!”. There was also some mooing and swearing at this point. I tried to call my husband. Straight away in fact I was repeat dialling his number. I tried countless times with no reply.

He was asleep.

I was under siege and the Husband was AWOL. The hospital took over the responsibility of establishing contact. Facial expressions completely wild now, a midwife trying to dress me in my fancy ‘boyfriend shirt’ brought along so I looked good whilst labouring (pah!). We accepted defeat and I donned the backless gown. A severe lady entered with the drugs and ordered me on the bed. I hadn’t been able to bend down to put my shoes on for at least 3 weeks but this absolute chief of a woman got me sat with my head between my legs width ways on a narrow hospital bed. What a boss.

The epidural was delivered and chaos was replaced with calm, and yet there was still no break in the husband radio silence. I’d relaxed and felt like a human being again so I had the foresight to alert a good friend and neighbour of mine. She ended up knocking on my front door until original Twin-Dad chose to return from the land of nod. So an hour after things kicked off and 89 missed calls later, my husband entered the delivery suite ready to provide deeply emotional and spiritual support to the now sedated, sleepy, really pissed off wife.

Labour from then on was pretty boring. I could feel each contraction but I wasn’t in pain so I was drifting in and out of sleep for the whole time. I have two lasting images: my husband on his phone and the midwives making notes. Nobody seemed very interested in me really. Then it all kicked off. Stage two of labour began - this is where you push. Things were now very uncomfortable regardless of the pain relief. For an hour it went on until they decided I should push no longer and they would intervene. So off we all went to theatre for some forcep action.

Having twins in theatre is really hilarious. You’re shimmied through quite quickly, signing forms as you go through. Thank goodness Original Twin-Dad was there ( I had forgiven him his tardy arrival) I was emotional and confused and giving them permission to cut my body open. When you get there, you realise there are lots of other people in the room. All focused on your lady-cabbage. It’s absurd. Paediatricians, Midwives, Anaesthetists, Assistant Anaesthetists, Trainee Midwives and a gaggle of other trainees just in for the experience. At one point there was a loud beeping in the room which made us panic… turns out it was all of the pagers in the room going off simultaneously.

So quite quickly after arriving, baby #1 was freed. The baby that had grown inside me all of that time, was now a squidgy little snuglet in my arms, eyes open, tasting its first breaths of outside air. The feeling at that point, for both of us was astonishment to the point of shut down. If we were a drawing in a comic, there would simply be a massive exclamation mark over our heads.

Then we had to go again. Whilst #1 was being checked out, #2 was on its way. Hilariously, someone has to actually hold the baby in place from the outside, during the time between the two babies being born to stop it from changing position. I couldn’t help thinking there must be a more whizzy way of doing that. That lady would have been glad of a job though; the rest of us just looked at one another, smiling occasionally, for 13 minutes - like a very messy fag break. They asked me to let them know when there was a contraction and then #2 was ready to join her sister. Two little girls, all cherub-like and covered in yuck.

And that was that. Two beautiful girls successfully birthed into the world and we were entirely responsible for their happiness, safety and well being for the rest of our lives. Equal parts ecstasy and terror.

More importantly though, my reluctant birth story is now told and I never have to use the word ‘Vaginal’ again. Win.

#twins #reluctantbirthstory #twinmum #twinning #twinlife #twinsofig #twinstagram

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kessjrause · 7 years ago

Note

Did you ever have any doubt about going into this career? I'm a freshmen in college and I'm struggling badly with doubt about what I want to do because I'm afraid that I'll fail at it

This is going to take a little while to talk about, so bear with me:I didn't really go into a financially stable field of study while I was in college, you know. And that became painfully obvious by the time I graduated. I think I built up this weird fantasy in my head that I would be plucked from obscurity during my college years, and suddenly everything would be amazing and awesome and I would be a working playwright or land a job as a writer's PA for some TV show. I would prove myself to everyone who laughed in my face when I mentioned I was attending school for writing. You know the type: they're the ones who say "Oh, but what will you do after college?" "What kind of job will you get?" "Maybe you should get a minor in business or something. Have a fall-back plan." I did not have a fall-back plan. I was going to make my writing career work!Things did not go as planned.I graduated, but because I could not afford to live in New York City anymore, I begrudgingly moved back in with my parents. I could see all my New York friends hanging out and having fun on social media, working shitty job after shitty job, but still living in the city, still trying to make their acting/directing/writing/art careers happen. I took the summer after college to decompress and try to refocus. I didn't write anything. My sister got me a job at the same photography company as her, a job I didn't want, but knew I needed. I didn't write anything. I went to conferences about writing to try to get me back into prime form to write my "Big Break" piece. I didn't write anything. This pattern continued for nearly two years.Every time I went to write something new, or try to finish what I already had, I found I couldn't do it anymore. I kept doubting everything I wrote on the page. I began feeling as if somehow I had tricked professors into thinking I was decent at this writing thing, because clearly I was unable to prove myself outside of a school setting. My anxiety reared its ugly head. I became depressed. I applied to screenwriting competitions and cried when I received rejection letters.The first game company I applied for was in the fall of 2015. My sister was pushing me to apply, since it was one of her favorite developers, and they were looking for an assistant writer. I wrote a 5000 word Twine game that was essentially the beginning of a new DLC for their most recent game. I bought books on the lore of the series to make sure I got everything just right. I was confident that I would at least get asked for another writing test, if not an interview.I was rejected. I looked at the view count on my game, since it was published online for the developers to look at. They didn't even open the link.I was heartbroken. I remember being at work when I got the email, and excusing myself to the freezing cold outside so I could cry in the parking lot. I called my sister and sobbed into the phone. I told her then and there that I was done. I was so tired of trying again and again and getting rejected. I was tired of putting my best work out there to realize that my best wasn't good enough. I told my sister that maybe this wasn't the path for me anymore. Maybe I should give up on writing for good.I can't remember why, months later, I was looking at job listings on every game company I could think of. I hadn't written anything. It wasn't like I was expecting to continue to pursue writing at this point. But I was beyond depressed and I hated the job I was in, and so I went searching. And Telltale happened to be looking for a writing intern for the Summer. I almost didn't apply. I was very, VERY close to not applying at all to the internship. It was asking for applicants that were still in school, and I was practically two years out. It asked for a recommendation letter, and my anxiety tends to prevent me from asking favors from people. And most importantly: I hadn't written anything in 18 months. But I can write a damn good cover letter. I wrote to my playwriting professor that first told me about video game writing, and asked her for a recommendation letter. I cleaned up my resume. The jobvite website crashed the night of the deadline for submissions. I had a panic attack. My mother yelled at me for not getting my shit together sooner. I thought I had failed once again. I ended up emailing the HR department my application that night, and applying through the website the next morning. There wasn't much for me to do but wait at that point.I got an email from HR a few weeks later, asking for a writing sample based on one of Telltale's properties. That was the email where I won. It didn't matter anymore if I made it further in the hiring process -- in my mind, the fact that I was being ASKED to write something for them was enough to make me feel like I had accomplished something. I wrote a Wolf Among Us piece. I had ten days from when I got the email to finish my sample. I finished in a day and a half. I sent it off and immediately turned around and began working on a new screenplay. I went to PAX East with my sister and her boyfriend, and the Monday after, I interviewed with Telltale.When I got the call from HR regarding the internship, I was sitting in a Barnes and Noble working on my screenplay. I cried in public. It was pretty gross. My hands were shaking when I drove home. I got drunk with my family. Super, super drunk.I've been working at Telltale for a little over a year now. And I still have doubts. Every time I get asked to be a support writer, I'm constantly asking "Are you sure?". When I was offered to lead Episode 5 of Guardians, I honestly thought the team was playing a joke on me. I still feel like I've tricked this entire company into thinking I have talent. Because I failed a lot before I got here. So my advice to you is to not be afraid of failure. It's this big, dark, looming thing that has power over us only because we give it that power. Odds are, you will fail at some point. I failed at several points. It will hurt, and you'll cry, and maybe you'll take a step back from it all and doubt yourself. But you need to keep moving forward. Don't let failure win. Kick failure in the ass and show them who's boss.I'm still learning to deal with my doubts and failures every day. I'm finally starting to get better at it. I hope you do too.Sorry for the book. But thanks for the ask,~Jess

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staytheb · 6 years ago

Text

Just For You

Pairing: SKZ’s Chan x OC [Serena] || SKZ’s Felix x OC [Melanie] Genre: school!au, slice of life, slight angst, slight fluff Word Count: 4,994 Summary: Serena helps Melanie to make a lunch box to help her confess her feelings for Felix. Melanie’s curious on why it’s lunch boxes and why Serena made more than necessary.

Warning: swear words. lol

m first SKZ fic ever... also my sister can’t decide on a bias, but for me, i ofc get hit with one instantly. other than that happy reading and kthxbai, Admin Lia~

revised. 9.10.20

"So, Melanie, who from Seoul Academy do you like?" Katherine asked her as the duo were hanging out with their other two friends at Melanie's house.

"No one." She answered as Jasmine disagreed. "That's a lie. I know you like someone."

"I don't like anyone." Melanie denied again as she looked at her other friend. "Serena's the one that likes someone."

The other girl looked up from her book with a blank expression. "Not even."

"Yeah, you do. I've noticed that you've been smiling a lot latey these past couple of months. You're talking to someone." Melanie stated with a smug look.

"It's because I've been watching this anime series and the main couple are so cute." Serena answered and redirected the topic back onto Melanie. "Don't change the subject. You do like somebody. I've seen the love letters you've written and haven't given it to him yet."

"Who?! What?! When?! Where?! Why?!" Jasmine and Katherine both exclaimed as they huddled around Melanie eagerly. "Who is it?! Who is he? Tell us! We gotta know! Oh is it Eric? Or is it Sunwoo? Maybe it's Hyunjoon? Hmm, Taeseon is pretty along with Hakmin, too. Jaemin is a total cutie and so is Mark."

Melanie tried to back away from her two friends while shooting a glare in Serena's direction who just went back to reading with a smile on her face.

"Wait, don't tell me you like someone from the Stray Kids group." Jasmine asked with a worried look. "You know that it's pointless to date someone from that group."

"Yah, why would you think Melanie would ever date someone from there." Katherine argued while elbowing Jasmine. "They're all jerks and think they're the shit."

"Because they're also hot as hell as well as the school's best sports kings. Practically all of them are the top players in our sports teams." Jasmine countered.

"Who said I like anyone from Stray Kids though?" Melanie asked as she pushed her friends away from her as they finally gave her space. "I can like whoever I want to like and it doesn't have to have anything to do with you guys either."

"True." The other duo agreed as Serena continued to focus on her book despite listening in on the conversation until her head jerked up in alarmed upon hearing the next set of words leaving Melanie's mouth.

"Besides, Serena's the one that's hiding something as she's always sneaking off during lunch saying she's just going to the library, but that's a lie."

"No, it's not. I do go when I got time for it." Serena lied with confidence.

"Oh yeah? How come I haven't seen you with new books from the library these past few weeks, hmm?"

"Because you don't read, that's why."

"Right. Nagyung says that she hasn't seen you there since you usually join her in playing Overwatch during lunch time."

"Does it really matter, Melanie?" Serena said in annoyed time as she tried to go back to her reading, but wasn't in the mood to read although she didn't want them to know that.

"Yeah!" Katherine and Jasmine answered instead as they now rushed over to her side leaving Melanie alone.

"What are you hiding? Who do you like? You like someone from Stray Kids, too, huh?" The duo questioned Serena as she mad a face at them.

"I do not." She stated while trying to move away from them. "Besides, why are y'all even asking about who we like. Who do you guys like that you're asking us."

The two girls stopped with their questioning and quietly sat back and looked at their other two friends with a sheepish look as Melanie caught on.

"You guys do like someone or at least probably dating someone, huh?"

"Um, do you guys remember a guy by the name of Chenle is?" Jasmine asked with a nervous laugh as Serena recalled the name. "Isn't he the kid that spilled oil all over the floor whenever we made eggs in Home Economics last year?"

"Yup. That's him. He's the one." Jasmine confirmed with a laugh as Katherine asked a question a second later. "And do you guys remember in the same class a guy named Jaehyun?"

"The one that would always steal pieces of our food whenever we finished cooking it because it was delicious?" Melanie answered as Katherine nodded. 'Yup."

Serena let out a groan before giving the two friends a look. "Y'all wanna do a quadruple date, don't cha?"

"Yeah, but that's not likely to happen since none of you are dating anyone or like someone." Jasmine stated with a pout.

Katherine then looked between Melanie and Serena. "Well, Melanie I'm sure has a crush on someone whereas Serena just hates people and so I don't see her dating anyone any time soon."

"Exactly." Serena agreed with a smile as she closed her book. "Now are we done?"

"Actually," Melanie piped up drawing everyone's attention onto her, "I do like someone, but I don't know if y'all are gonna be happy though."

"It's a Stray Kids member isn't it?" Jasmine and Katherine asked at the same time while Melanie shot them a sheepish smile.

~~~~~~~~~

"So why are we making lunch boxes again?" Katherine questioned as she and the other three were now at Serena's house after going grocery and supplies shopping.

"Because it's the effective way to get a guy to like you." Serena answered with a smirk. "It's not through his heart, but his stomach."

Jasmine looked over at Serena suspiciously. "And how would you know that?"

"From Tiana." Serena chuckled as Melanie rolled her eyes before speaking. "The Princess and the Frog's Tiana?"

"Yup."

"Wow, but what if Felix doesn't like it?" Melanie asked worried.

"Then he's an ass and you should like someone else." Jasmine suggested as Katherine elbowed her before correcting her words. "I mean, do your best."

"Well, how did you guys get with Chenle and Jaehyun? Did you guys make them lunches, too?"

"Not exactly. I don't really remember, but Jaehyun and I had this group project in English this year and we connected right away." Katherine answered with a smile.

"As for me," Jasmine prompted afterwards, "I actually didn't like him, like him. I thought I liked his friend which I don't recall at all, but it turned out I fell for him after I got to know him through being partners in science class earlier this year."

"Hmm, then y'all can start making lunches for your boyfriends while Melanie learned how to make a confession with one and then she can give it to Felix tomorrow." Serena piped up with glee as she clapped her hands together. "Now, let's get started." Serena said as she instructed the other three on what to do.

"Dude, Serena, seriously. How do you get these things to come out good without ripping and sticking it on easily?" Jasmine muttered in frustration after ripping her design for a cartoon character for the third time.

"Yeah, like how do you have the patience for all of this?" Melanie questioned as she just finished putting on the facial parts for her cartoon character. "This takes way too long to do just for one character. And that's after we cook and make the food, too."

"I think it's pretty cool and quite easy." Katherine stated with a shrug after completing her whole characters and lunch box. "Well I mean, yeah the process to do it is a bit tedious, but you have to make sure the food tastes just as good as creating the whole characters for the lunch."

"Yup. What Katherine said." Serena agreed after completing another lunch box. "If the food doesn't taste good, then the whole design is just wasteful in the end."

Melanie noticed the two mini set compartment boxes. "Who are you planning on giving those to?" She asked while pointing at them. "That's a lot of chicken, too. You don't even eat that much chicken."

Serena shrugged. "No one. I just like making these character boxes." She redirected the conversation to Melanie's box instead. "Anyways, Melanie, are you going to add anything else? You actually have a lot of room to add more."

"Well, obviously."

"Serena. Please help me with his face." Jasmine cried in defeat. "I can't give Chenle an ugly lunch box despite how good the food may taste."

"You're fine, Jasmine." Serena reassured, but still went over to assist her friend. "He should appreciate such a thing, but this is how you get it to work."

~~~~~~~~

It was lunch time and the quartet were near the top of the school where Stray Kids usually hung out as they made the area their little place. Melanie actually entered the area so she could give Felix the lunch she had prepared for him while the other three stood from afar by the door. Jasmine and Katherine were supposed to meet with their boyfriends, but they wanted to be there for their friend first in support. The three friends watched Melanie with anticipation as she neared the group finally getting the attention of the boys.

"Hey, Felix." Melanie directly greeted him as Felix stared blankly at her not moving.

"Yeah, Felix, she's here for you." Hyunjin chuckled as he pushed Felix towards her causing Felix to glared at Hyunjin.

"It looks like she got something for you, too." Minho laughed while wriggling his eyebrows in Melanie's direction.

Melanie ignored the boys' words, but held out the packed lunch anyways in front of her and out towards Felix with a shy, but sweet smile. "I made you a homemade lunch because I like you."

When the other six boys heard that they started to cheer and tease Felix about him having a love confession and the likes. Becoming flustered and acting without actually thinking, Felix just smacked the lunch box out of Melanie's hands as everyone watched the scene before them. Something inside Melanie's tugged at her upon the lunch box crashing to the ground. She stared at the spilled food before looking at Felix.

"You didn't have to do that." Melanie told him with a calm, but angry tone. "You could of just said you didn't like me and not waste the food this way."

The other boys started laughing as they gathered around Felix before saying some things of their own.

"It probably doesn't even taste good, anyways." Changbin stated while looking at the food as Minho agreed before speaking again. "Girls nowadays don't even know how to cook anymore."

"What is that supposed to be?" Jisung asked while giving the characters a weird look. "A bear? A dog? I can't even tell."

"Why is it even blue? Are you trying to poison him?" Hyunjin commented with a disgusted look.

Felix continued to stay silence as he avoided eye-contact with Melanie.

"It was supposed to be Koya the Koala." Melanie answered with a frown. "You guys haven't even tried it so how can you say that? Felix?"

"Because it's a silly and stupid thing that desperate girls do to get a guy's attention." Chan stated with a laugh before continuing. "Next time why don't you ju-Oof"

Chan didn't get to finish his sentence due to Serena tossing her own homemade lunch at him when she moved closer after hearing the words leaving the boys' mouth. Everyone looked at the scene with widened eyes and it was dead silent after that as the group of six weren't aware that there were others around the area.

"How about next time why don't you just find another 'silly, stupid, and desperate' girl who wants to get your attention." Serena directed at him with a mocking tone before tugging on Melanie's hand. "Let's go."

"But, Serena, wait. What about the food and boxes?" Melanie asked in confusion as Serena continued to lead her away while speaking loudly on purpose. "It's not important when it concerns jerks that don't appreciate a girl's hard-work and effort when thinking of the guy she really likes while making them."

Katherine and Jasmine soon followed after their friends when the duo passed by, but not before seeing the rest of the boys looking at Chan questioningly.

~~~~~~~~

"What's up with the food throwing at Chan thing, Serena?" Melanie asked once the quartet settled at a more private area within the school's grounds.

"It's nothing." Serena answered before looking at two of her friends. "Aren't you supposed to be eating with your boyfriends right now?"

"They can wait. You can't. Spill, girl." Jasmine commanded with a stern look. "I ain't gonna leave this alone until you explained why you've been saying you don't like anyone, but clearly there was something between you and Chan a moment ago."

"There's nothing going on."

"That's a lie, Serena." Katherine countered. "Your words were seriously directed at Chan and the way he looked at you once you walked away suggested something."

"Fine." She caved. "He and I were secretly dating these past few weeks."

The trio let out loud gasps.

"But don't ask me about anything else because clearly it's nothing now and not worth mentioning either." Serena told them with a glare.

"Oh, c'mon, Serena. You're secretly dating a Stray Kid member, especially the leader." Jasmine stated with an amused look. "Although rumor is that he's a total ass, he's cute and has such a nice bad boy vibe."

"He is a total ass now that I saw and heard it with my own eyes and ears and we're not dating anymore, Jasmine. I'm pretty sure you heard that I made that kind of cleared. Gah, I'm such an idiot to think he was a really nice guy with just a bad boy front to keep outsiders from bothering him and the rest of his friends."

"That's what Felix once said to me, too." Melanie added with a sigh. "I guess Stray Kids are really a bunch of jerks."

Serena groaned. "But seriously that was such a waste of food on our end, Melanie. I can't believe I threw them at him."

"I know right." Melanie agreed as she frown. "I still can't believe Felix did that just because he got embarrassed by his friends teasing him. He had me fooled."

"Why do you say that?" Katherine asked while rubbing her friend's back in a comforting manner. "Don't be so hard on yourself."

"Because of how he reacted. Guys are always like that when they're with their friends. It's stupid. He's such a big jerk."

"Tell me about." Jasmine said with a sigh. "The one I liked of Chenle's friend was the same way, but now I don't care about him as I'm with Chenle now."

"Yeah, let's not care." Katherine agreed as she opened up her own lunch box. "Let's share these together so that the two of you don't starve before school ends."

"What about your boyfriends?" Melanie asked with a chuckle.

"They have their own friends that have food for today." Jasmine answered with a laugh while also opening hers. "Today is a friendship day."

~~~~~~~~

When Melanie and Serena returned back to their respective classes they discovered that their lunch boxes were returned to their desk all cleaned and empty of food. What was inside was a simple note instead asking them if they could meet at specific spot, respectively.

Melanie stared at the note for a few seconds before stuffing it back into the box and putting it away in her backpack. She wasn't sure if she was ready to face him again after his actions from earlier, but a small part of her wanted to know what he wanted with her. Melanie later caught eyes with Jeongin who only sat one seat up to her right as he stared in her direction. He shot her an awkward smile and before she could say anything Jeongin had tossed something onto her desk and turned forward leaving Melanie to stared at the familiar looking Peter the Rabbit keychain with her name on it. She hadn't seen this guy since junior high when she lost him in the Taekwondo club she was a part of. What was he doing here and how did Jeongin even end up with it.

Serena only glanced at the written words for a second before crumpling it into a ball and tossing it back into the lunch box. Still she knew what it meant even if with that one glance, but she was still upset and didn't even want to think about him or the situation at the moment. Shortly afterwards something landed on her desk from her left, but she quickly picked up the small item and threw it onto the desk of the person to her right. Jamie gave her a weird look before tossing it back not wanting to be a part of whatever was going on, but Serena shoved it to the floor and under her desk. She glared at Seungmin who pointed over his shoulder to see Chan shooting her a look, but she ignored him. By the end of class all the notes she had received and tossed at Jamie were now littered all over the floor around her desk.

~~~~~~~~

When school finally let out Serena and Melanie had met up with Katherine and Jasmine like always at the school's back gates to head on home. The duo decided to just let it be and see what would happened on its own accord. As of right now the quartet were on their way to get boba, sweets, and spicy chicken bits at 3RACHA that was just a block away from school. Unfortunately, the quartet ended up running into Stray Kids on the way to 3RACHA.

"Hey, I just remembered that Chenle has football practice. I'll catch you guys later." Jasmine suddenly announced as she turned around and ran off.

"Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Jaehyun got this basketball thing going and I forgot that I promised him I'll be there to cheer him on. Bye!" Katherine piped up afterwards as she, too, turned around and ran off in the same direction as Jasmine.

"They're such liars." Serena commented with a roll of her eyes. "It's tennis and volleyball season."

"I think I know what's up and why." Melanie stated as she nudged Serena while pointing in front of them. "It's because of them."

When Serena turned her attention onto Stray Kids she saw that there were only two and those two were not who the two girls wanted to see at the moment.

"Wow." Serena said in a feigned enthusiastic tone.

"I know." Melanie agreed as she shrugged. "What do you wanna do?"

~~~~~~~~

Melanie and Serena were casually talking to one another about their day and school work as they waited for their drinks and food while totally ignoring the two males sitting beside them at separate tables.

"You can't ignore us forever." Chan stated once their items arrived. "You'll eventually have to talk to us."

"So, Mr. Lewis just left class because he got a notification on his phone about something." Serena continued talking like she didn't even hear Chan say something.

"Seriously? During first hour he was distracted that he just gave us a free period while he played on his phone." Melanie added with a laugh. "I wonder what it is."

"I think it would be a good time to talk about what happened during lunch." Felix slowly eased the words out in the open. "Like y'know separately in our own pairs."

"Great idea, Felix. Why don't you guys go do that?" Melanie turned to him with a fake smile while pointing in the direction behind her. "You and Chan can totally go talk all the way over there while Serena and I stay here."

"That's not what I mean."

"Yeah, I know."

Felix let out a sigh before confessing something. "I was the one that stole your Peter the Rabbit keychain back in junior high during our time in Taekwondo club."

"It was you this whole time?"! Melanie let out in shocked with widened eyes. "Why?!"

"Because you brought it everywhere with you and it was just so annoying seeing it wherever you go."

"He was my good luck charm! How could you?"

"Because you paid attention to that little thing you did me."

"Obviously. I didn't even know you."

"We were always sparring partners."

"Are you the one I called Freckles?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, that was you? Wow, you grew up."

"Are you making fun of me? We're practically the same age."

"Same difference. I can't believe you stole him because you were jealous."

"I wasn't jealous."

"If you weren't then why steal the keychain and then have Jeongin return it to me?"

While Felix and Melanie continued their little reunion, Serena gathered her drink and bag of chicken bits and quietly left the table to give the duo time to talk. At the same time she had totally forgot about Chan until she heard someone matching her pace when she exited the store. She glanced to her left and saw that Chan was walking alongside her with a few spaces between them.

"You don't live in this direction." Serena stated while giving him a once over. "Why are you headed this way?"

"Because I can." Chan simply answered with a grin. "Have a problem with that?"

"Nope."

Serena smiled at him before cutting him off to jay-walk across the street when there was no on-coming traffic despite it still being red on her end. Chan instantly panicked, ran after her, grabbed her by her backpack, and pulled her back onto the sidewalk.

"What do you think you're doing?" He asked her in an angry tone.

"Getting away from you of course. What else would I be doing?" Serena countered trying to get out of his grip, but Chan held a part of her backpack tightly in his fist.

"No you're not. You could have killed yourself going on the streets like that."

"There was no traffic so I was fine."

"That's still dangerous."

"Look, Chan. It shouldn't matter with what you think of my well-being anymore. Okay?"

"No it's not okay, Serena. Of course I would care."

"Oh, really, why? Do you think it's another way of us desperate girls to get the attention of guys like you?"

Chan's jaw tightened as he bit his cheek and let out a breath before speaking.

"I know what I said at lunch time was really idiotic and jerk-like, but I didn't mean it."

"Oh?" Serena let out in an amuse tone. "So was it just your way of trying to be cool in front of your friends?"

"Look, me and the guys haven't had good experiences with making friends without them using us in the past while growing up. That's why it's just the nine of us and why we bonded so quickly. Also it's just our way of protecting ourselves from people like that."

"Right. And you're just gonna let it control your lives while we're still young and have so many things to experience as we get older, Chan. You can't continued to keep using that as an excuse as time goes by."

"It's just complicated."

"Right."

Silence fell between them as the duo stood on the sidewalk with traffic continuing on while Serena was still stuck with Chan holding on to her backpack.

"The chicken tasted really good this time." Chan suddenly complimented Serena's cooking as he gazed at her side profile. "I'm sorry that the kangaroos got ruined when you threw the boxes at me."

"Sorry, not sorry." Serena replied not looking at Chan, but a small formed upon her lips.

"You know that I got a bruise now because of you."

"I'm pretty sure you deserved it."

The corner's of Chan's mouth quirked up. "How am I'm supposed to explained that to the swimming's coach though?"

"Just say that a kangaroo punched you." Serena mused shooting Chan a look although she turned shy realizing that he had been looking at her already.

"I see you still have your sense of humor."

"Always will even without you."

Silence fell between them again, but this time Chan's hand loosen from Serena's backpack and back at his side.

"I'm sorry for being an idiot and reacting the way I did earlier just now." Chan apologized as Serena shook her head. "I should apologized, too. I just wanted to run away from you and not deal with any of this."

"You do know that running away from your problems isn't healthy and will always follow you right? I'm just speaking from personal experience."

"I'm sure you are."

"How about this. We start a new slate and go from there?" Chan suggested as Serena regarded him. "Secretly or not?"

"Whatever you want. I just don't wanna mess up what we had going on again."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, baby girl."

Serena cringed as she made a face him. "Och, don't start that."

"Do you want, princess, instead?" Chan mused as Serena shook her head. "No, that's even worst."

"Okay. Then jagiya it is."

"Oh, hell no. Don't you even, Chan."

Serena said as she lightly punched him and he laughed at her reaction.

"I know you secretly like them. I can tell it from your eyes despite you cringing."

"Shut up. We're not even that deep into the relationship to have pet names. Our own names are fine."

"Hey, at least you can call me, oppa, this time, Serena."

"I'm not calling you, oppa."

"I mean eventually you will unless by then you're already calling me, yeobo."

"Gosh, you're impossible."

"Just for you. Now how about we go catch a movie?"

"No. I wanna nap. How about you catch a movie alone?"

"Why not do both at my place?" Chan cheekily grinned as Serena punched him. "You're going to lose your Stray Kids reputation by the time I'm through with you."

"I lost it already when you and I started dating weeks ago."

"Ugh. You're so annoying."

"But hey, there's must be a reason why you liked me, right?"

"I dunno. I'm beginning to reconsider my choices at the moment."

"Oh, c'mon, Serena. I'll treat you to whatever macarons you want at District 9."

"Stop trying to pacify me with food, Bang Chan."

"Hey, the quickest way to someone's heart is always food."

"Yeah, I'm beginning to reconsider my choices."

"Don't be like that." Chan chuckled as he hooked their arms together and began leading her in the opposite direction. "We'll have the rest of our lives to reconsider our choices later. For now, let's just live in the moment."

"How far ahead are you already looking into our supposed future?"

"We got eight grand-kids and counting."

Serena elbowed his side as Chan just laughed in response.

Meanwhile Melanie finally got Felix to confessed to his junior high crime.

"I just liked you, but you didn't noticed me until we got into high school, but you still didn't remember me." Felix admitted.

"You do realized that we had Taekwondo like once every two weeks, right?" Melanie asked him with a chuckle. "Even then I didn't show up for all of the activities."

"Yeah, I know. I always got stuck with the teacher because of that."

"Well, at least you're a third degree black belt, aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"So it wasn't a complete waste."

"I guess."

"Anyways, if you liked me then why did you have to act like that in front of your friends?"

"Because they're teasing is so ridiculous and a bit too much."

"Don't you do the same thing?"

"Yeah, but not when it involves another person that you like."

"Oh yeah, Felix?"

"Ugh, Melanie. Don't make me repeat myself."

"I think you should since you're the one that wanted to talk and you practically stole from me."

"Fine. I like you, Melanie. And I'm sorry about knocking the homemade lunch from your hands and stealing your rabbit key-chain. Anyways, Koya the Koala was actually quite tasty. The rice cakes were good, too. Not too spicy like how others make them." Felix confessed and complimented.

Melanie smiled as she spoke. "I remember you mentioning that you didn't like spicy food that much in history class earlier this year."

"Thanks. Anyways, you wanna go to the arcade or bowling?"

"Don't you have friends to do that with, Felix?"

"I'm basically asking you out on a date, Melanie."

"Oh wow. I didn't think you were capable of such a thing." Melanie teased as Felix rolled his eyes. "Do you want to or not?"

"I dunno. How about you say it again?"

"How about I eat all of your food and give you time to think about it?"

Felix took a piece of her ube and thai tea cake causing Melanie to glared at him.

"Um, excuse you. Don't you have your own food to eat?"

"That's Chan and I don't like any of that, but you can have it."

Felix moved the said items towards Melanie as he took the rest of her ube cake.

"My dude, that's mine."

"I'll buy you another one after this. Think of it as our first date."

"Wow. Bold of you to assume that I would agree to a date."

"Not like you're saying no or anything."

"Charming, aren't you?"

"I know, but I'm pretty sure it's all because of you."

"Don't be cheesy. It's weird."

"I think it comes naturally now that I've grown closer to you, Melanie."

"You're so weird, Felix."

"Just for you. Now, after this I was thinking that we'll go to the arcade so I can show off my arcade skills."

"If you have any that is. I'm quite a pro at arcade games."

"Is that so? Do I feel a challenge coming on?"

"Probably?"

"Alright, bet."

Melanie and Felix both shook hands as they determined who was going to be the loser and discussing the rules and details.

#staytheb #stray kids scenarios #bang chan #lee felix

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miss-musings · 8 years ago

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"30 Rock" and The Importance of Platonic Friendships

I will be the first to admit that I enjoy ‘shipping’ characters romantically in my favorite shows and movie franchises. One of the things that keeps me excited to watch my programs is for those little moments between my OTPs – holding hands, meaningful glances, words of affection and care. While I know it doesn’t drive everybody to watch any or all of their favorite shows, I know it’s the driving force behind much of it on Tumblr. I see the shipping wars within my own fandoms. The Blacklist fans bicker about shipping Lizzington versus Keenler and Keen2. Once Upon A Time had a spell where the main heroine had to choose between two dude love interests, and the biggest ship out there is her with another female character. I see it a lot with Teen Wolf, though I don’t watch that show. Reign. Supergirl. The Flash. Basically, anything that’s on the CW.

I know that all of this harkens back to age-old storytelling tropes: love triangles, unrequited love, etc. have been around since fucking mythology. And it’s not changing any time soon. And, that’s fine.

But I think it’s important if, in the midst of all this 'shipping’ and the shipping wars, we don’t lose sight of what often holds – or at least what SHOULD hold – TV shows together: friendships and positive (or sometimes negative) platonic interactions between characters.

I know there are a lot of shows that do this, and do it well. No doubt.

But, I want to draw your attention to 30 Rock, one of my all-time favorite shows, and one that I think has demonstrated this best.

Now, I wasn’t on Tumblr when 30 Rock was on air, so I have no idea if there WERE shipping wars. People who wanted Jack and Liz to end up together, or any other pair from the show. (Or, if Tumblr didn’t exist, the equivalent blogs, chat rooms, message boards, etc.)

There are a lot of interesting and great and completely platonic relationships between the male and female characters on the show: Liz and Pete. Liz and Frank. Liz and Kenneth. You will notice I’m not including Jenna much on this list because, aside from Pete, she has sex with most of her other male coworkers at one point or other in the show, including Jack, Kenneth and Frank. While she doesn’t develop any long-term romantic relationships with any of them, and while she does have crucial friendships with all of them (especially Kenneth), I wanted all my examples to be completely platonic.

But, if you will indulge me, let’s take a retrospective on the three male-female friendships that were the heart of this show:

(I’m going to go backwards in terms of screen time and importance)

1. TRACY AND JENNA

This is a dynamic that ultimately works, even though it really shouldn’t on a practical level. Both of these characters are complete narcissists – selfish, self-absorbed, unintelligent (to a degree). Tracy is a buffoon and Jenna is a diva.

But the biggest drawback to their dynamic – their egos – is also their starting point and the reason it kinda works, for the most part.

Tracy and Jenna bond over their shared experiences of the pressures of stardom and fame. They bond over their shared dealings with Liz, Jack, and Pete. And, despite Jenna being kind of a sex freak, she and Tracy never get together, and to my recollection, neither ever makes the moves on the other.

They collaborate on various projects – Jenna’s song that gets parodied by Weird Al; Tracy’s Broadway performance for his EGOT; Jenna trying to get back with her ex-boyfriend Paul after her ‘sexual walkabout’ fails; when they help Liz “problem-solve” her Deal Breakers talk show with Jack, among others.

Yet, they fight a lot too, giving the show plenty of drama and conflict to overcome in any given episode; but also giving the show a sense of realism among its friendship dynamics.

Jenna is upset at Tracy for intruding on her show, and she never really gets over it. Tracy is mad at Jenna for various things – but later on in the series, it’s because Jenna starts gaining fame and notoriety after she becomes a judge on America’s Kidz Got Singing.

(You will see that all these friendships have their high and low points: they get along; they support each other; but they also fight, and when they do, they know each other’s weak points to attack. Because that’s what friends to in real life: sometimes they disagree, and when they do it’s ugly. But when they’re going strong, it’s like the best thing ever.)

Still, after being on television together almost every week for seven years, these two have become understandably close. It’s to the point where (SPOILERS), in the finale, they share a tearful hug, and Jenna says, genuinely, that she’s going to miss working with him. He tells her that he’s going out to get cigarettes, and he’ll be back in 15 minutes (which is a reference to earlier in the episode, where he said he’s in denial about the show ending, and admits that he doesn’t know how to or want to say goodbye to his castmates and friends).

This dynamic, while childish and frustrating at times, flourishes because, while these are two people who oftentimes can’t stand each other, Tracy and Jenna ultimately understands what the other is going through better than anyone else on the show.

2. TRACY AND LIZ

This was sort of the kick-off for the whole series. Tracy Jordan is asked to come on The Girlie Show, and essentially save it. Over the course of the series, Tracy proved to Liz that while he was a good person and cared deeply about his family and friends, he was extremely difficult to work with. He rarely, if ever, took orders. He was selfish, had a huge ego, and serious issues to work through in his personal and professional life.

And while Liz supported Tracy through his ordeals more than he supported her, whenever he did offer advice, words of encouragement or assistance, it was always genuine, heartfelt, and second nature for him to do so.

For her part, while Tracy mostly made her professional and sometimes personal life absolute hell, he (and Jenna) ultimately prepared her for anything. (SPOILERS: In the series’ penultimate episode, she adopts two kids exactly like her two 'work kids.’)

And even though Tracy has an ego, his star power saved her show.

Later in the series, Tracy finds out just how hard Liz Lemon has to work to get him to do his job everyday. And while he doesn’t show his appreciation outwardly, it’s clear he’s grown to respect her even more.

In one episode, Tracy’s wife demands that he have an affair (to save his image), and he “tries” to “seduce” Liz. It is unsuccessful, for many reasons, but in the conversation that follows, we really start to see why this dynamic works so well, even when they don’t work well together.

Liz admits that she’s jealous of Tracy for having a well-put-together personal life: he has a wife he’s totally devoted to, and kids who think he’s their hero. And, even still, as the series progresses so does Tracy’s career (to a degree). Yet he stays on their show.

Even though he has no qualm about making Liz’s day-to-day life hellish, when the chips are down, he does listen to her, follows her advice and obeys her directions.

Each of them has a great respect for the other; it’s just that Tracy is so childish and Liz is so bossy that neither of them expresses or demonstrates it all that often, except in very rare but poignant moments.

3. JACK AND LIZ

Unlike the other two on this list, this one arguably could have been a romantic pairing. Throughout the series, there are several “shippy” moments between these two, starting in the first season, where – after Jack asks her to be his ‘date’ to a black-tie event, she thinks Jack is going to make a move on her. In reality, though, he just wanted back the necklace that he’d lent her, and then he makes it VERY clear that he never intended that, insulting her in the process.

Jack’s mother Colleen thinks that Liz would be a perfect match for him, romantically, because she has “strength of character.” There’s the scene where Jack pretends that Liz is his lover, and they act out a soap-opera-esque scene to trick Kathy Geiss in Season 3. Liz has a dream where she’s giving birth to Jack’s baby (weirdly, of course, it’s Meat Cat, a parody of the animated Cheeto’s Mascot) in Season 4. Jack pretends to be in love with Liz in Season 4, but only so her guy-pal Danny will stop paying attention to Liz and start hanging out more with him. They get “married” (by accident) in Season 5. Avery gets jealous of Jack and Liz’s “special” relationship, after he tells Liz about his and Avery’s possible names for their kid, and listens to her “advice.” There’s the “kiss” between them in Season 6. They share a bed (but nothing else happens) in Season 7, where Liz even asks out loud why nothing ever DID happen between them. And (SPOILERS) one of the last moments in the finale is them saying that they love each other, although Jack makes it very clear that it’s in the platonic sense.

But, these moments all do a great job of subverting this “will they, won’t they” trope. Hell, even Jeffrey Weinerslav (the HR/hiring guy) says whenever the two get “married” that they’ve always given off that vibe, and “it’s been interesting to watch your courtship.”

I think the ultimate reason why is: that’s not who they are. That’s not who they want to be to each other. Jack isn’t attracted to Liz like that, and Liz was always Jack’s subordinate who disagreed with him on several things – politics, life choices, gender roles/expectations, age gap, etc.

But, that didn’t mean that their relationship wasn’t meaningful.

After all, Liz was Jack’s emergency contact as early as Season 1. He oftentimes trusted and relied on her when he wouldn’t trust or rely on anyone else. Despite proclaiming that he had all these powerful, wealthy, and famous friends throughout the series, ultimately, in Season 7, we find out that Liz is the only true friend that Jack really has.

Despite being boss/employee and mentor/mentee, Jack isn’t afraid to let Liz fail. He’s comfortable going out of his way to help her in a way he wouldn’t with many of his other employees (probably because she’s his mentee/friend, which, fair enough.)

In the episode “Problem Solvers,” when Liz pushes Jack away in an effort to protect herself and explore her professional options, Jack is legitimately offended, and acts likewise with her. He even has a revelation that he “wants to do business” with Liz, rather than anyone else – wanting to change and improve her life, instead of, say, Padma Lakshmi’s. He puts his personal interests over the bottom line, and – as ‘Future Jack’ tells him in a hallucination – that’s ultimately how he becomes happy in life. He used to be a shark, and Liz Lemon “un-shark-ulated” him. But, caring about her (and others) is what makes him a better and happier person, as ‘Future Jack’ demonstrates.

And, as he tells Avery, she’s the perfect mentee because she has the Drive, Intelligence, Chaos and Humility (or DICH) in her life to require and accept his mentorship.

And, for her part, Liz is comfortable with Jack in a way she isn’t with most people. She tells him everything – her weird foot problems, her relationship troubles, her very awkward and embarrassing secrets – to the point where Jack is “in her head,” and she can predict how he would react and what kind of advice he would give even in hypothetical situations. She goes out of her way to make Jack feel like a part of her family, and a part of her life, as she invites him to go with her to class reunions and meeting up with her family.

We see over and over that Liz is willing to demean and embarrass herself for Jack’s benefit – taking off her shirt and dancing around as a distraction when he embarrasses himself in front of his colleagues… pretending to be pregnant to keep suspicion off Jack’s wife Avery, who really IS pregnant… calling in bomb threats so his high school crush will stay in town an extra day. And, these are just a handful of examples.

For someone that Jack looks down on for being a woman, a writer or ‘creative type’, a less-than-model-attractive person, and a relatively unambitious un-shark-like person… Liz comes through for Jack more often than most people do. And, Jack looks out for her, too. He even loses a deal against himself in Season 6, purposely making a mistake in negotiations over Liz’s contract, because he wants to “take care of her.”

This relationship is the heart of the show, as is clear from both the pilot and the finale. Jack walks in and seemingly ruins Liz’s life. He fires her friend Pete; he forces her to hire Tracy; and he expects much more of her than she believes is right. But, over time they become more than employer/employee… they become the best of friends, to the point where their friendship is the most meaningful one in either of their lives.

In the penultimate episode, “Hogcock!”, Jack and Liz – both in professional and personal spirals – argue. Liz asks Jack for help finding a new job; Jack says he really can’t, and he won’t, because he’s realized that work will never make either of them really happy. Liz questions what their entire relationship has been about for the last seven years, saying, “I guess you and I were just a boss and his employee.” And Jack agrees.

This argument sends both of them further down their spirals, as Jack tries to reconcile, as he doesn’t really have anything else he can count on his his life. Liz acts in her typical Lemon-esque behavior and refuses.

In the finale (SPOILERS), Jack’s faux-suicidal behavior forces Liz to overcome her trademark stubbornness and grudge-holding to accept and admit that Jack is someone special to her whose friendship she doesn’t want to lose, regardless of what happens to them in life.

Again, this is all stuff that is typical of romantic couples on TV. But, over and over again, 30 Rock subverts these tropes, leading to one of the most poignant and, dare I say, realistic relationships on the show.

This is one of the reasons I really admire this show: the fact that it had a man and a woman, against all odds, remaining platonic friends, regardless of all the chaos and changes in their lives.

On TV, it has become commonplace for even workplace acquaintances to hook-up, to the point where everyone is basically ‘Eskimo brothers’ and ‘sisters’ with each other. (See, Grey’s Anatomy, for instance.)

And, while yes, this happens on 30 Rock to some extent, the three main male-female friendships remain ever-sacred in that regard. Jenna sleeps around with many of her male coworkers, but she never makes the moves on Tracy (to my recollection). Jack and Liz are continually implied (by both the audience and in-show characters) to be something more than what they are, but they never become a ‘couple’ in that sense.

And, that’s fine.

It’s perfectly normal, and, dare I say, healthy for people to work together, share office space, daily stress, yearly challenges, and be a major part of each other’s professional and sometimes personal lives without them ever hooking up, or even considering it.

The fact that Liz and Jack remain platonic throughout seven seasons, and admit, meaningfully, that they love each other in the finale is a huge thing.

I think it promotes a healthy dynamic among men and women: it is perfectly normal, healthy, and even ideal for you to have strong friendships with people of the opposite sex.

(For LGBT folks, this would be people of any sex/gender you’re attracted to. It is possible and healthy for us all to have strong friendships with people, regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity, etc.)

IN CONCLUSION

In a culture of ‘shipping’ and possible ‘over-sexualization’ of things in our media, it’s become commonplace for us to see a young, handsome, straight guy and want him to end up with the young, beautiful, straight gal, especially if they’re our lead protagonists. (Same with LGBT characters.) And, there’s nothing wrong with that.

But, I wish more shows would imitate 30 Rock, in that it revolved around a group of friends, who rarely if ever, consider each other in a romantic or sexual way. Yes, they might break that rule on occasion; yes, they might make jokes about it; but ultimately, their friendships are the driving force of the show (both for the audience and in-universe). Friendships between people of different races, personalities, ambitions, socioeconomic backgrounds, upbringings, professions; friendships between employers and employees; friendships between men and women.

People can watch their modern day soap operas disguised as superhero shows or medical procedurals or crime dramas.

That’s totally fine. I watch them too, and I enjoy it.

But, I more so enjoy and appreciate those shows that can stand on their own, without relying on “will they, won’t they” dynamics, love triangles, and unrequited love. Shows about friendships and platonic love.

Shows like 30 Rock.

#30 rock #nbc 30 rock #elizabeth lemon #liz lemon #jack donaghy #alec baldwin #tracy morgan #tracy jordan #jane krakowski #jenna maroney #friendship #shipping #shippers #shipping wars #shipping woes

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boardingpasstowonderland · 8 years ago

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A long rambling story but hello again, it's me

So it’s Sunday arvo and I’ve been lazing around relaxing with Jack, and then @in-her-wildest-dreams texts me to say she’s booked flights to Newcastle (SO BLOODY AMAZING), and then it had me thinking about getting tumblr back again.

I guess I should probably explain why I deleted the app and stopped using tumblr two months ago (even though I was completely addicted and in love with this amazing crazy swifty community), so bear with me as it’s quite a bloody ramble!

Almost two months ago, I received 7 anon messages over the space of one day. They were very, very personal- things that someone had maybe found out through stalking my Facebook or instagram. The saying “sticks and stones break my bones but names will never hurt me” is certainly true and I know many people on here probably get terribly mean anons and are okay with it, but these messages really, really struck a bad nerve with me and came at a really bad time.

Not many people, (even my family), in my day to day life except for my closest friend and my boyfriend know that I have struggled with severe anxiety over the past 12 months. And at around the same time (unfortunately) that I received those 7 horrible anon messages, I was diagnosed with depression. I hated being labelled with that. When they said the words out loud, I could not accept it. It wasn't me. It's taken me a lot of work to accept, and be (a tiny bit) okay with saying those words about myself.

It’s strange, I am a strong believer (having worked in health for 3 years including working in youth/adolescent mental health), and now as an OT that disability and mental health in particular should NOT have any stigma attached to it, and that our society needs to accept it. But for me to admit it personally, is so beyond hard. Because I can believe and preach that there should be no stigma and people should be open about talking about this, but when I have to talk about it myself, it’s a whole other level. I can’t explain it. Because at the end of the day, there is a stigma around it- and it frightens the absolute hell out of me. It makes you feel, so completely alone. Because when you have a physical injury like breaking a leg, or have an operation- every person is open to offering support, assistance, friendship and love. But when it’s mental health, people stay away, they don’t know what to say, or think you’re faking it. It is so, so isolating.

I’ve been hospitalised because of my mental health. I’ve had almost two weeks off work, because I could not get out of bed. I hit an all time low not so long ago. I’ve had someone say to me “why are you sad? You have everything amazing in your life, your in love, you love your career, you travel, you live your life so well”. Everybody expects me to be the bright happy crazy one, all of the time. And yes that may be true. I have, an incredible life. I am the crazy happy one. But at the same time, mental health doesn’t discriminate. 1 in 3 people experience anxiety and panic attacks- yet we can’t talk or accept it. 1 in 4 experience depression. It can happen to anyone, at any corner of the globe.

There are many reasons why I’m currently the way I am- with things that have happened to me in my past, and I may look like I have it all together and you may very well think “oh she’s just making it up to get attention”- but I am battling on the inside everyday. Jack is battling, everyday with me. Everyday is a roller coaster. And I think when I received those anon messages, I just thought to myself “I’m struggling enough, I just don’t need that extra amount of negativity in my life when I already have so much in my head”. So that is why I removed myself from tumblr.

I think the biggest achievement that I have ever made in my life, and that nobody except for 2 people know about was that I asked for help. It is the scariest and bravest thing I’ve ever had to do. To the people who have had to do this, god I admire you. You are the real superheroes. And now, with the support of professionals, I’m getting there. I’m taking it day by day. I am fighting a war inside my head, every single day. Whether people can tell, or not. But baby steps, and I’ve been talking to Jack and one of those baby steps is getting back on tumblr. Getting back to things I used to do.

Because this community is 99.999999% overwhelmingly amazing, supportive, hilarious and kind. The love on here is so real. And god I miss lurking blogs, I miss the excitement and #NOCHILL times. So I’m going to give it my best shot at being back on here. But with one difference. This is going to double as a bit of my diary. I struggle talking about my mental health out loud to anyone, except the 3 people who know. But here, maybe it’s the bridge to being able to open those discussions about mental health. Maybe there is people in this swifty fandom, that are going through the same thing as me. I’m going to be real, and honest, and raw. The good, and the bad times. And sometimes life is not pretty, sometimes it’s bloody ugly. And of course, just reblog and lurk and get back into the crazy swifty world of freaking out and loving the hell out of @taylorswift with you all!! I want to be back in this loving, positive sunshiney fandom!!!

So please unfollow me if this isn’t okay with you. But I’m learning to love myself. I’ve got a long way to go, but I’ve already come so far. And I’m determined to try and stop that stigma, that I (and so many more), feel about mental health.

God I’m kinda nervous about posting this now. You are a gem if you made it through reading this.

Em xxx

#HELLO WORLD #this is the most personal thing I've ever written and I am actually so anxious about posting this

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misssophiachase · 8 years ago

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I'm back and reblogging because I forgot to add the link and have since changed the chapter FYI.

Southern Comfort

Chapter 15: You Were Always on my Mind

July 31, 2016 - 100 Days until the US General Election

"You said you loved him?" Bonnie exclaimed.

"Shhhh! Geez, I don't think they heard you in New York, Bon," she muttered, looking around to make sure no one was eavesdropping, this was Jefferson so Caroline wouldn't be surprised. At least Emma wasn't around, well she hoped so anyway because otherwise it would be all over town by lunchtime. They were currently decorating Matt's campaign office in anticipation of the big launch that afternoon. Lexi and a few of the other locals had all come out in support to help prepare for the big event.

Being a control freak, Caroline had taken on much of the responsibility herself and was pleasantly happy with the results. She'd invited people from far and wide and the extensive guest list was a good sign that Matt's popularity was growing in the region. They'd spent the past day travelling around to neighbouring towns and given their immediate recognition of the Democratic candidate, Caroline knew they were making serious headway. There was still a long way to go though.

"Stop changing the subject," she insisted. "So, it's really serious between you two then?"

"Well, yes, um, I mean no," she stammered, her face suddenly feeling hot as a telling blush spread across her cheeks. "I don't know. In my defence, I did say I thought I was falling in love with him, there is a difference."

"Mmmm, semantics. I'm glad you cleared that all up for me, Care," she drawled, sarcastically.

"Well excuse me if I was in a state of post orgasmic bliss when the words fell out of my mouth," she argued. "I mean that guy has talents; many, many talents, Bonnie."

"I figured, you know given you didn't emerge straight away," she chuckled. "But it's not like you to say something you don't mean Care, you're one of the most honest people I know even if you do work in politics."

"Hilarious," she groaned.

"Just answer me this then," she prodded. "Do you feel the same way as you did about Tyler?" Caroline was silent for a moment processing what her friend said. She was so young and naive when she was with her ex-boyfriend, she thought she loved him but there was intensity with Nik that had been missing with Tyler. Was it just physical or was it something much more? Caroline was pretty certain she knew but the answer scared the hell out of her. "That prolonged silence speaks volumes."

"Even so, I don't want to get hurt like I did with him, it would be too much to take, Bonnie."

"You grew apart, as devastating as it felt at the time your break-up was the best thing to happen. If you ask me Nik came along just at the right time."

"But he lives here and I live in LA," she bit out, the annoying elephant in the room rearing its ugly head. "It would never work so I have no idea why I'm entertaining something so impossible..."

"You can't help who you love, Care. Geography can be overcome if you really want to make it work."

"I think we are getting a bit ahead of ourselves," she murmured, thinking about Nik's feelings. "I mean he didn't really confirm or deny anything."

"He told you that if you continued to say you loved him then he might never want to let you go. If that isn't a confirmation of him reciprocating his feelings then I don't know what is, Care."

"You memorised all of that?"

"What can I say, I'm a sucker for a beautiful, romantic gestures and that's swoon worthy," she shared. "I'm thinking of using it in my erotic novel, do you think Nik would mind? Well, that and the naked seduction by cowboy hat. That was ingenious by the way." Caroline took the opportunity to look around again, that information she definitely didn't need to be made public. It was bad enough they tracked their every move in this town.

"Shhh," she hissed, before realising what she'd revealed. "Erotic novel?

"Everyone's doing it these days and if E.L James can make a profit from mediocre writing I figured why not, under a pseudonym of course."

"The things you find out about your friends," she commented. "Anyway, I'd prefer that stay between us, well and Nik. That is the last thing I want little Emma to be spreading around town as well as Los Angeles and London."

"Speaking of Los Angeles, have you heard from Katherine?" Bonnie had been immediately interested by the unfolding situation between her and Elijah, especially given their initial animosity and the mystery surrounding their current situation.

"Bits and pieces," Caroline replied. "Apparently she's showing him the sights."

"Does she mean the Walk of Fame and the Hollywood Sign or is that Katherine code for something more decidedly intimate?"

"Who the hell knows, she's been infuriatingly silent on the subject," Caroline scoffed. If she hadn't been so confused about her deep feelings for Nik she probably would have done more investigating but Katherine was a big girl and could take care of herself, well Caroline hoped so anyway.

"Maybe I need to pay a visit to LA and get some extra material for my novel from Katherine," she quipped. "But back to you and Nik, what are you going to do now?"

"I haven't seen him since the morning after, well you know," she replied another blush crossing her face unexpectedly. "I had to leave town with Matt so we didn't have time to debrief, if you know what I mean?"

"Oh, no wonder you're so skittish," Bonnie surmised. "You haven't had the talk about what this all means."

"I just wish I didn't say the love thing first, there's always so much pressure on the other person to return the sentiment."

"We already discussed the fact that he pretty much did," Bonnie shot back. "I think you need to stop worrying about that and..."

"You realise I expect all the gossip tonight right, Caroline?" Lexi interrupted, a knowing smile plastered on her face. "I had to put up with Mrs Downing telling me all about her new herb garden when I could have been revelling in some juicy Nik and Caroline goodness."

"Really Lexi?"

"Oh come on Caroline, it's the least I deserve," she begged. "Living vicariously through you is all I've got and I'm more than willing to repay you with those cooking lessons I promised, you know to surprise Nik."

"Good luck with that," Bonnie snorted. "Everything Caroline has ever cooked me has been either raw or burnt to a crisp. She doesn't do anything in between, just so you know."

"I'm willing to persevere if it means I can relive my pre-married love life before kids, a farm and an election," she scoffed. "You girls don't know how good you've got it."

"You might change your mind if you had to spend the previous few nights with Kol Mikaelson," Bonnie explained. "I can only take so much shameless attempts to throw himself at me."

"He's cute and British," Lexi offered. "You know, he can't be all that bad."

"He's also a successful stockbroker," Caroline put forward.

"Is there something in the water in this place? You have a drink with someone and suddenly you're soulmates and everyone is sitting there already planning your upcoming nuptials," Bonnie drawled. "Just so you know an accent, looks and a stable job isn't enough to convince me he's future husband material. We're just not suited, plain and simple. How about we leave the Mikaelsons up to Caroline and Katherine for now."

"Did I hear my name in vain?" A curious voice enquired. Caroline looked over and into his blue eyes, her chest constricting slightly from his arrival. All she wanted to do was pick up where they left off from but thought better of it given all their present and talkative company.

"We were just talking about how wonderful Kol is," Bonnie joked.

"Oh no what did he do now?"

"It's okay, that wild and enthusiastic persistence is strangely growing on me. He's kind of like a real life energizer bunny," Bonnie teased. "Where is he by the way?"

"Scarfing down a plate of Ruby's pancakes, he can't get enough of them," Klaus chuckled. "And here I thought he didn't like anything about the country. Plus he hates manual labour so I'm fairly certain when I mentioned I was coming here to assist he made other plans."

"How convenient," Lexi smiled.

"Hi Klaus," a familiar little voice interrupted, looking up at him adoringly with those big, brown eyes.

"If it isn't Princess Emma," he grinned, scooping the little girl into his arms. She was dresed all in pink as usual, her dark haired pigtails bobbing around her face. Caroline thought it was the cutest thing she'd ever seen. "How are you today?"

"Dad said I could wear whatever I liked to the party."

"Oh let me guess, is it going to be pink?"

"It is," she giggled, obviously impressed he knew what she liked. "Have you kissed Caroline today? I mean that's what boyfriend and girlfriends do right? Tommy James tried to kiss me in the playground the other day but I wouldn't because I actually like Jamie Smith instead." They were all silent, unsure of what to say about that rambling comment but knowing the person it came from it wasn't that surprising given how direct Emma was. Caroline felt her cheeks flush, trust Emma to throw something out there right now.

"Uh no not yet, Emma," he uttered, finally finding words.

"How about I take little Miss Big Mouth now?" Lexi asked, grabbing her daughter from his outstretched arms. "Bonnie, there's actually something really important I need to talk to you about over there too." The three of them scurried away, Caroline's gaze firmly on the ground trying to hide her utter embarrasment.

"You know if you wanted a kiss, all you needed to do was ask, love," Klaus smirked, placing his finger under her chin and pulling her face upwards so their eyes met."You don't need to get five year-olds to say completely inappropriate things."

"You're hilarious."

"Well, I like to think so," he quipped. "So, about that kiss then?"

"I'd rather not given everyone is watching us right now," she mumbled, noticing the eager interest of all the onlookers. As much as they'd all love some PDA, Caroline didn't feel like putting on a show. He looked mildly disappointed and she felt bad but she couldn't deny the residual awkwardness after their first night together. "Maybe later."

"I'll hold you to that," he said. "Although Kol is still hanging around so I don't like our chances of privacy."

"I'm sure Bonnie can babysit if we need it," she grinned, her intial awkwardness being taken over by her overwhelming desire for him. She couldn't blame her urges, it had been a while after all.

"Meet me at my dam later, I know you've been there before so I doubt you need any directions," he suggested, raising his eyebrows. "Given the stifling temperature I'm pretty certain you'll be desperate for some cool relief later."

"That depends," she drawled. "Are you going to take my clothes again and hold me hostage?"

"I think we both know that's a given, love," he smirked knowingly.

"You're on, Mikaelson."

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#you were always on my mind #southern comfort #sophia chase #klaroline fanfiction

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