#just know if this happens there will be many references to the movie dodgeball a true underdog story

[anjuschiffer]

[Maribat] Sparks Au - Snippet 4

Well...its been a while! Enjoy!

Tags are after the read more line!

MASTERLIST | PREV

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Context: It’s halfway through the week (as is four or maybe five days after Damian taking care of Alicia) and Luka is finding it strange as to why he hasn’t called to find out what Alicia’s weekly routine at school is like. So Luka reaches out first. Although it required being transferred over hundreds of times to even reach Damian’s personal number. 

------

Luka waited in the city park, tapping his foot as he mentally listened to the new piece he was composing. 

The sun was finally out, breezes were cool, the perfect day to stroll outside, or in Luka’s case, check in on his daughter...

He stopped tapping his foot, instead running his hands through his hair as he let out a heavy sigh. 

His daughter, huh?

“Papa!” Alicia cried out, Luka snapping from his thoughts. “There’s so much I have to tell you about!”

——

The two men sat together at an ice cream parlor, listening as Alicia reencountered the past few days, Luka noticing how Damian kept interrupting her whenever she tried to mention school or whenever she was about to use Damian’s actual name. 

“-and yesterday! I won the dodgeball competition!” Alicia said with a grin. 

“Well done!” Luka said with a smile, Alicia’s grin growing wider. 

“It’s all thanks to Da-M.Wayne!” Alicia said, smiling at the man. 

“I couldn’t say no to helping you train for the match.” Damian said with a smile, before a frown replaced it. Luka narrowed his eyes a bit, wondering why he frowned. 

“Something wrong?” Luka decided to ask, Alicia’s eyes widening when she noticed Damian’s frown, quickly scanning the area. “Alicia, are you-“

“11 crows.” Damian bluntly said, looking at his phone. 

Luka watched as Alicia stopped looking around, quickly turning her attention to those in front of her. Luka frowned. 

“What else has M.Wayne helped you with while you are with him?”

“Aside from helping me with my homework,” a hum. “He also taught me some gymnastics!” Alicia said with a smile. “Did you know that M.Wayne has a brother who loves gymnastics? I wanna meet him one day!”

“You taught her gymnastics?” Luka asked with a raised brow, Damian looking at him before sliding a card at him. “Holy shit.” Luka whispered as he saw the card. “Do you know-“

“I’m a billionaire.” Damian casually stated, Alicia grinning, Damian’s expression softening. “I’d gladly throw any amount if it means that Alicia always has a smile on her face.” 

At that, Luka frowned, listening as Alicia talked about their new routine. 

They’d wake up, stretch together, Damian would make breakfast, take her to school, work on some papers while she did her homework if she didn't have school, they’d eat lunch, pick her up from school (if she had it), watch a movie, arts and crafts, make dinner and then watch another movie before heading to bed. 

“And I get to choose whichever story I want!” Alicia squealed, taking another bite of her ice cream. 

“Is that so?”

“Yup! M.Damian thinks it’s fine since my grades are always at the top of the class.”

“Don’t you think you’re pampering her too much?” Luka asked, watching as Damian didn’t look up from his phone.

“Pampering? She deserves to be rewarded for her hard work.” Damian said, lifting his eyes off his phone. “Besides, we both know why I do it.”

At those words, Luka’s lips morphed into a thin line.

“You can buy her as many materialistic things she could want, but that would never make up for the time you lost-”

“I know that.” Damian looks over to Alicia, watching as she savored her last spoonful of chocolate mint. “I just want her to be happy with the small amount of time she has with me right now.”

A comfortable silence settled over Luka, his shoulders relaxing upon hearing those words. 

That’s right. How stupid was he? At the end of the day, Alicia still thought Luka was her actual father.

“Well, I have to get back to the studio.” Luka said, getting up from his seat. 

“Papa, you’re leaving already?” Alicia cried, also getting off her chair. “It’s still too early for you to leave!”

“As much as I would like to stay, I have to get back to work.” Luka reminded her, specifically leaving Marinette out of the reasons why he had to leave. He didn’t want to ruin her smile. “But you can always call or FaceTime me whenever you want, okay?”

Alicia smiles at that, giving her father a grin, Luka wondering how many he had missed while she was under Damian’s care. 

“Okay!” 

“See you soon mon petit tresor.” Luka kissed her forehead, causing Alicia to erupt into a giggling fit.

Alicia and Damian watched as he left, Alicia waving her hand until Luka turned a corner.

“M.Wayne.”

“Dad is fine.” Damian reassured, watching her grin.

“Dad, Corvus was at three, not 11.” Alicia argued, stretching out her hands. It took Damian a while to figure out what she wanted before handing her the pastel blue bag he had recently bought for her. 

“True, Corvus was at three,” Alicia swelled with pride upon getting it right, “but this time I was referring to their number symbolism.” Damian watched Alicia mumble about the two systems as she worked with the tablet in her hands.

He let out a happy huff when he watched her connect the pieces.

“Are we finally going to launch the plan?!” Alicia squealed, her smile infectious. 

“Tomorrow, during lunch, you’ll start Operation: Get It Back.” 

“Should we start with observing her?” Alicia asked, handing the tablet over to Damian, the screen already tracking Corvus’ location. 

 Damian beckoned her over, Alicia dragging her chair over to Damian, the two looking over at the tablet.

“Seems like she’s…”

-

“I’m sorry about yesterday and trying to take the necklace from you.” Alicia said, looking Xochitl, Xochitl feet away from her. “I thought it was the one I lost. Maman’s necklace.”

“Well, it’s not. Ronald gave it to me.” Xochitl defended, putting her hands over the necklace.

“I-I know that, but it just looks like Maman’s.” Alicia said, about to take a step forward when she remembered Damian’s advice.

Ask before you touch. If you just try to grab it again, that’s it. The mission is over.

“Can I see it? I promise to let it go once I finish looking at it!” Alicia promised, raising her right hand and offering a pinky promise.

“You promise?”

“I do.” Alicia said, happy to see Xochitl seal the promise.

Xochitl let Alicia hold the necklace, not expecting her to cover the necklace in some weird powder, brush it off and saw some weird patterns on it.

“What is that?” Xochitl asked, about to touch it before Alicia stopped her.

“See that? That’s boy cooties.” Alicia said, Xochitl cringing at it. “This is to take it off.” Alicia explained placing tape over it, peeling it off and putting it into a plastic bag. “Dad knows how to forever get rid of boy cooties, so I’m going to give it to him.” 

“How did you know it has boy cooties?”

“Well, since it’s not mine, it should have.” Alicia said, storing the evidence away in her bag. “If it were my necklace, it wouldn’t have boy cooties since I never let anyone touch it. Not even Papa.” Xochitl looked at her in awe, tackling her into a hug.

“Thank you for getting rid of it! Oh! Did you watch the new episode of Untold?”

“I knew I forgot to do something! What happened?”

“Well…”

-

Alicia grinned as she saw Damian outside of the school, waiting for her with a smile on his face.

“Dad!” Alicia said, running to him, Damian catching her. “I got the prints of fingers!”

“Fingerprints.” Damian corrected, ruffling her hair. “Now that we have that, we can go to phase 2: Flip-a-roo.”

NEXT

Tag: @theatreandcomicfreak @myazael @maribat-is-lifeblood @amayakans @bzz75 @mochegato @multplelifes @toodaloo-kangaroo @emo-elaine13 @thequeenofpotatoeunicornss @aestheticnpoetic @littleblue5mcdork @gabbie-gabbs

I also want to apologize to @gabbie-gabbs for not noticing that I was missing your name on this AU and am so sorry it took me this long to realize QQ

[freebooter4ever]

old photos from my last yr in the burgh cause im feeling nostalgic

jon on the back porch of our friends lawrenceville split rowhouse, you can see how much nicer our neighbors half of the house lawn was lol, ours was so overgrown we couldnt use it, the parties and banana grilling happened on the basement door steps and the alley, the alley was this tiny space between rowhouses that was probably only a little wider than jons shoulders

my dance buddy crawling out of my third story window to the roof, you can see the christmas lights i covered my entire ceiling with inside, theres another photo of her glaring at me bc im taking an ungraceful photo of her but its not as funny as this one

Rooftops and my dance buddy who came to watch the sunset with me one last time and who i think really misses having me in the same city bc i think her hatred of the whole human race is adorable rather than offputting (shes very literary, but shes also small and cute and she can dance). ALSO the only girl (different girl) who i ever almost went on a date with held my hand and helped me onto this roof when i was trying to decide if i should move in or not, and then at the party which was kinda my trial run to see if i was a good fit for the house she and i were inseperable, and i never told my friend the landlord but that influenced wayyyyy too much of my decision to move in, like yes dude i will live in your house also how often does that friend come over bc i might marry her. of course two days later that same girl moved out of the country. 

jon being adorable and napping with his kitten blanket, like he puts on this cool hipster artist act but this is him 90% of the time, the other 10% of the time is alien noises. i promise he would agree with this.

i honestly have no idea what this building is but i walked past it so many times in the southside that before i left it was high on my take a photo of priority list, i could get SO MUCH texture reference from this, like fuck thats a lot of rust and different types of wood damage and concrete crumbling, the burgh was definitely a 3D texture environment artists dream, ethan and i used to go around with his fancy camera and use it to recreate pieces in 3D with photos.

in this old 30's era gym i beat a bunch of hipsters in a mario kart tournament (easy as pie) and also won a costume contest while playing dodgeball, and got a free voucher to the fanciest hipster dining venue around, and anyway before i left the city i took jon and my bff to eat way expensive food for free and the three of us hung out in the empty gym after bc Aesthetic. there is also a photobooth roll that goes with this but we look terribly drunk in that

at the bottom of our hill in lawrenceville was two of the most important necessities: belvederes ultra dive (roller disco nights) and this theater that would pick a theme and only play those type of movies for a month so naturally, my favorite was Singing in the Rain. (at the top of our hill was my personal necessity brillobox and alex's favorite cheap vietnamese restaurant). 

the main branch of the burgh library was within walking distance of the university i worked at so spent a lot of time there, but anyway wtf was up with these floors? it was like walking on glass planks of a space ship but like...steampunk spaceship bc this shit is from the early 1900's and made out of STEEL. old asshole carnegie built hundreds of libraries, do all of them have creepy steep and glass floors between bookshelves??? (ps dont do what jon is doing you can get your foot stuck ask me how i know) i had three book sections memorized: the art animation books, the oversized art animation books, and the retro mod architecture books

jon actually asked me to take a close up photo of his new belt buckle this is 100% his fault, i introduced him to all my favorite vintage stores in the burgh and his ridiculous belt buckle collection increased tenfold. this feels mccree worthy, honestly.

the number of various guys i brought to the waterfalls over the years is...higher than one would expect given my face... and each time theyd be like wow this is so romantic and its our spot now and im like YUP DEFINITELY our spot just us no one else. truth is i just loved the three hour scenic drive and the Gene And Boots candy shop on the way that carried my favorite melty mints with NO corn syrup (impossible to find outside of mom and pop type candy factories). the REAL truth is that i came here most often on my own to write than i ever took anyone romantic or friends or otherwise.

when i say ae pi always had the coolest booths during spring carnival this is what i mean (he's got wings and a construction hat and a halo bc CREATION get it??)

when our research group got moved down to the river and i spent a lot of quiet nights in the snow walking across the bridge to the southside at like three am, also that big ass thing is something to do with the steel industry but i lived here ten yrs and fuck if i know what it is

[bizarre-dollhouse]

My Top 10 Favourite Anime (And Why You Should Watch Them)

This is normally something I would put on my main blog, but I wanted to celebrate a follower milestone and also I know this will reach a significantly wider audience on this blog.

Consider this both a list of recommendations and a *get to know me* thing, I guess.

Honourable Mentions:

Bakemonogatari: A really stylized show about a semi vampire helping people with their supernatural afflictions born from emotional issues. The subsequent seasons get a little questionable, but this is definitely a standalone story with great dialogue and visuals. (15 eps)

Shiki: Creepy story about a small town infested with vampires. Really brutal and sick, but it has fascinating themes. The pacing is a bit slow and it has a kind of bad scene towards the end, but the show is 100% worth it. (24 eps)

Cardcaptor Sakura: Because this is mostly aimed at younger viewers, I would only really recommend this show for either magical girl fans, or people who watched the extremely altered dub as a kid. That being said, its a cute, fun show about magic with a likeable cast and surprisingly creative and original ideas, especially towards the latter half. (70 eps)

Jojos Bizarre Adventure 4: Diamond is Unbreakable: Full disclosure, I have not seen the first 3 jojo series, but its not necessary to enjoy this show. This is a super creative and really fun series about superpowered badasses in a strange city fighting each other and trying to solve a murder mystery in the background. Weird, but in the best way. (39 eps)

Kuroshitsuji: Book of Circus: This should be higher on the list, but in truth I would recommend the manga way over the show. But, if you want to watch a supernatural horror/comedy without reading a 138+ chapter manga, OR you were a fan of the original Black Butler seasons and want to see something way better, give this a watch. (10 eps)

*drumroll*

10. Trigun

So Trigun takes place is this old west, yet mysterious science fiction-y world where, through a bunch of complicated scenarios, a pacifist is the most wanted criminal known to man. Due to his status as a “natural disaster,” two insurance workers are tasked with reining him in to save their business. It’s an incredibly charming series, and the protagonist is really likeable. It’s extremely creative, funny, and emotional near the end. I do have some problems with the ending because it almost seems like the final conflict just...solves itself, but that’s a nitpick. The first episode is basically a short film, so give that a watch and see how you feel. (26 eps)

9. Paranoia Agent

This was directed by the late and great Satoshi Kon and has his usual themes about the blurring between fiction, dreams, and reality. It’s about a string of mysterious assaults committed by a kid with a baseball bat, and how these assaults seem to solve the problems of the victims. It’s very arthouse and has a twist that makes me ball my eyes out even though it’s not sad it’s just...odd and overwhelming. It drags a bit near the middle, but if you like kind of surreal stuff that’s also just really good, you have to watch this show. (13 eps)

8. Baby Steps

The amazing thing about this show is that its premise is specifically designed to make me hate it. It’s about a nerdy teenager who starts to play a sport for the sole sake of getting fit and having a more well rounded life style, and also he has a crush on this really popular girl. That sounds fucking awful, but the main character is actually really likeable (he reminds me a lot of Deku from BNHA) and I swear to fucking god every time I thought this show was going to do something awful and cliched with its romantic comedy plot, it doesn’t. The beauty and the geek trope is still there, but all of the bullshit that comes with it is omitted in a way I feel was kind of self-aware. The sports aspect is really good too: it’s well paced and there’s lots of tension even though the show as a whole is really upbeat and pleasant. I had a blast watching it, and if you can make it past the fact that is has god awful animation, give it a watch.

7. Higurashi: When They Cry

Yet another great show with absolute garbage animation. Anyways, this show is about a group of teenagers in a small town who are unknowingly trapped in a time loop. In each loop there’s a bunch of new mysteries, as well as some extremely brutal murders and tortures experienced my the main cast. I’ve seen a number of Western shows (Orphan Black, BBC Sherlock, Lost, Supernatural, etc.) fall apart because the writers want a really clever and intricate mystery to play out, but they don’t want to actually put the time into crafting one, so it’s just a bunch of cliffhangers with no answers or pay off. THIS SHOW SUCCEEDS AT WHAT ALL OF THOSE OTHER SHOWS FAIL AT. While not all of the answers are great (the second season isn’t as good) the original author somehow made the world’s most ludicrously complicated mystery story work, with a lot of it relying on the audience to put all of the pieces together even when the characters can’t. Its very clever in doing that: it makes its audience feel smart. It also has themes that don’t really show up in other horror stories, even though they’re incredibly relevant to fear and violence. Great show, go watch it. (50 eps)

6. Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood

Everyone knows about this show, everyone says it’s great, and everyone’s right. If you’ve been living under a rock for ten years: the show is about two brothers who break an alchemy taboo, which destroys their bodies, They’re on the hunt for something to restore them to normal and along the way they meet like 8990354578579 characters with interesting stories. It’s tightly written and really gripping. It’s fun, but also really dramatic and emotional when it needs to be. My only problems with it are that the ending is reaaaallllly convoluted, and there’s a minor plot point earlier on that gets weirdly dropped, but everyone kinda forgets about those things because the show’s so good. Also the brotherly bond makes me cry. (64 eps)

5. FLCL

I honestly don’t even know where to start with this show because it has the unique property of being the only show I have ever seen that I have literally no problems with. Not even nitpicks. There is nothing wrong with this show; it’s perfect. The only reason it’s not number 1 is because some other shows have more ideas or more fleshed out characters. So this arthouse spastic comedy is about a boy who is disappointed with all of the adults in his life, then some chick hits him in the face with a guitar and giant robots from a secret facility start coming out of his head. It’s fucking wild and has like 30 different aesthetics and I love all of them. It’s the best looking show I’ve ever seen and one of the best directed. It feels like someone read a really weird poem and turned it into a 6 episode show. It’s funny, it’s emotional, it’s cartoony, it’s beautiful, it’s raunchy, it’s poetic, it’s silly, it’s creative, and it’s got strong themes. The wtf visuals, the nonsensical plot, and the amazing soundtrack make an aesthetic experience more than anything. (6 eps)

4. Princess Tutu

I already made a post about this show and why it’s good, which you can check out here, but the gist is it’s a meta fairytale about a duck that turns into a girl to help a storybook prince find his emotions. I used to love stories that were “twists on fairytales” or whatever, but after watching this show I realized that the genre is pretty derivative. This show is so amazing it honestly made me reevaluate an entire genre and come to the conclusion that this is the only member of that genre worth watching. It’s truly creative and well crafted with fantastic characters. (26 eps)

3. Hunter x Hunter (2011)

This show is basically a bunch of creative ideas, unique set pieces, and interesting characters stacked on top of each other in a trench coat disguised as a narrative. It’s about a perky shonen protagonist and a child assassin becoming friends while also trying to become hunters (a position involving vast wealth and adventure). It’s in a modern fantasy setting so literally anything can happen. In one arc they have to play life-or-death dodgeball against robots, and another is an insanely epic tale about the intense evil that people are capable of (feat. a 25 episode climax). I can’t even talk about all of the themes or ideas because there are just too many. Because of it’s wild, sprawling story, it has a lot of ass pulls and retcons, but in the grand scheme of things they don’t really matter. It’s long, but super easy to watch in huge chunks. (148 eps)

2. Neon Genesis Evangelion and The End of Evangelion

The most efficient way to describe this show is to say that it’s the most interesting show ever made. It’s about an apocalyptic future in which emotionally disturbed teenagers must pilot giant bio-machines to fight monsters which are referred to as angels. It’s got deep characters, a creative story, and is probably the most well directed show I’ve ever seen. The ending infamously fell apart due to production problems, so there’s a movie called The End of Evangelion to conclude the story. It’s a very disturbing arthouse movie, so watch out for that, but the show as a whole is moooosssstly more straightforward and fascinating, This is an absolute must watch. (26 eps and 1 movie)

1. Baccano!

Baccano! takes place in 1930s New York, and is about thieves, gangsters, criminals, terrorists, alchemists, and immortals interacting in this nonlinear comedy/action thrill ride. I felt like I was on a rollercoaster while watching this show. It’s the perfect blend of action, comedy, romance, drama, horror, and creative storytelling. It’s fantastic to rewatch since the first episodes barely make any sense without context (but are still an absolute joy to watch). It’s got great characters and it’s a great story. Go watch it. And then watch it again. (13 eps and 3 OVAs)

That’s it for this list! Check out my MAL page for more recommendations if you’re interested and have a great night! 

[junker-town]

A scouting report for each player from ‘Little Giants’

Becky “Icebox” O’Shea was the star player for the Giants in “Little Giants” | Warner Brothers production / SB Nation illustration

Let’s grind the tape and come up with some NFL comparisons for the characters in “Little Giants.”

Early in Little Giants, coach Kevin O’Shea — a former Heisman Trophy winner played by Ed O’Neill — holds tryouts for a youth football team and picks all the good players for his Cowboys squad. With one exception.

He whiffs badly (and sexistly) by not letting his niece, Becky, play on his team even though she’s clearly the best. And honestly, why were there even tryouts in the first place? Just let all the kids be on the team. Were the roster limits that strict? Hasn’t he ever heard of a depth chart?

But if a group hadn’t gotten left out, we wouldn’t have the great comeback story the movie turns out to be.

After some practice time to shape up, Coach Danny O’Shea (played by Rick Moranis) gets his Giants team of outcasts (relatively) ready for their big game against the Cowboys. The matchup turned out to be a tale of two halves. The Giants go to halftime down 21-0, but — spoiler alert — come back to win with four touchdowns in the second half.

Given a chance at a do-over, Kevin O’Shea might think differently about how he’d pick teams. With the benefit of hindsight and a little bit of game tape, let’s break down the strengths and weaknesses of all the players from Little Giants.

Becky “Icebox” O’Shea

Position: Fullback/Linebacker

Throughout the movie, Icebox is referred to as a fullback by both herself and her father. I don’t doubt that she’s great there, but we don’t get to see much of it. The only time we do is on the final play, the Annexation of Puerto Rico, when she is just a decoy who doesn’t even have the ball. What we do get to see is that she’s an absolute star at linebacker.

Icebox can lay the wood.

She spends the first half of the game as a cheerleader — a main reason why the team falls behind 21-0 — but she’s a lights-out defender in the second half. Cowboys running back Spike Hammersmith is running roughshod over the team early in the game. He couldn’t do a thing with Icebox in his way.

I mean, look at this freakin’ goal-line stand.

Sideline-to-sideline speed, fearless instincts, and the toughness to destroy a player much larger than her. Icebox is a first-round pick. Shame on you, Kevin O’Shea, for ever thinking otherwise.

Pro comparison: Undersized, but hard-hitting Steelers LB Mark Barron

Junior Floyd

Position: Quarterback

Most of the evidence that Junior is an awesome quarterback came during practices. The only significant throw he makes in the game was a deep ball that bounces off the back of Rashid “Hot Hands” Hanon.

He’s gone for most of the second half after taking a cheap shot, right after delivering a huge hit of his own.

Junior is out of the game from that point until he comes back on the field for the last play. While we don’t see many throws from Junior, he does show off his hands and athleticism on the Giants’ first large gain of the second half.

With the exception of Icebox, Junior’s the best player on the Giants. It’s unfortunate that the last play of the game was the only one where both Junior and Icebox are on the field together.

Junior wasn’t at the original tryout. If he had been, he’d be on the Cowboys, because the kid’s got it all. Another first-round pick, for sure.

Pro comparison: Former Colts QB Andrew Luck who couldn’t stay healthy, but could make a huge tackle, if needed

Rashid “Hot Hands” Hanon

Position: Wide receiver

From start to finish, Hanon is talked up as a receiver with an inability to catch. So much so that he puts an absurd amount of stickum — an adhesive that was made illegal in the NFL long before Little Giants came out — to help him catch. It seems like the issue isn’t Hanon’s hands, though; it’s his confidence.

He’s a deep threat who can burn any defensive back but one who’s struggling with the yips. Even when he accidentally glues his hands to his chest with the stickum, he still manages to torch the defense.

You try racing someone with your hands flat against your chest. It’s not easy.

It’s not too surprising, then, that Hanon is able to make a play once he gets out of his own head:

That’s a game-breaking speed right there and a huge miss by Coach Kevin O’Shea. If nothing else, his Cowboys team could’ve used that quickness in the secondary.

Pro comparison: Saints WR Ted Ginn Jr., a speedy, former habitual pass dropper

Tad “Rad Tad” Simpson

Position: Running back

Tad’s weakness is that he’s absolutely terrified of contact. His very useful defense mechanism is that he’s excellent at avoiding it.

Running in circles and not gaining yardage is not ideal, but you really have to respect this elusiveness, while also asking what on earth some of these defensive players are thinking.

Here’s his fear of getting hit coming in handy again.

And again, with a Lamar Jackson-esque juke:

I really worry what’s going to happen when Tad actually gets hit, but his aversion to it is at least bringing out some impressive moves.

Pro comparison: Shifty and elusive Bears RB Tarik Cohen

Rudy Zolteck

Position: Offensive line/Defensive line

At one point in the movie, Steve Emtman, the No. 1 pick in the 1992 NFL Draft, teaches Rudy that football is much a mental game as it is a physical one. That lesson apparently didn’t sink in until the second half, because Rudy gets pancaked early in the game by a blocker.

When Rudy remembers to believe in himself (and also use a little leverage for a change), he delivers a crushing block of his own.

It’s honestly tough to tell if Rudy is any good. He certainly seems to find more success on the offensive line than the defensive line. His consistency is lacking, though.

Pro comparison: The not nearly consistent enough Washington OT Ereck Flowers

Jake Berman

Position: Honestly, I have no clue

Berman’s mostly comic relief with his one-liners and his overly enthusiastic and overprotective mom. His first notable moment in the game is when he disappears into his own uniform like a turtle — which is ridiculously impressive and definitely impossible.

But like any true cinematic momma’s boy, he has to lay out a player who disrespects his mom.

Jake’s also the one who runs the final leg of the relay in the game-winning “Annexation of Puerto Rico.”

What we know about Jake is that he’s small, not fast, not athletic, but pretty mean and fearless when he’s pissed off.

Pro comparison: Noted “Mama” defender, Vonn Bell

Johnny “Viper” Vennaro

Position: Running back

The only big moment for Johnny comes late in the game when his dad — previously too busy to play with his son — shows up. Excited to see his dad and give him a hug, Johnny runs through the whole Cowboys defense to make it happen.

That’s a run reminiscent of Beast Quake.

Pro comparison: Former Bills/Seahawks/Raiders running back Marshawn Lynch

Timmy “Rawhide” Moore

Position: Safety

This is probably the only character we get to know who doesn’t have a personal triumph. He spends most of the movie dressed like a cowboy and then gets run over in his only screen time during the game.

I mean, literally run over.

Come on ref, that sure seems like some unnecessary roughness or something.

Pro comparison: I don’t know. Is there someone who only gets trucked and never actually contributes? Probably a sideline photographer.

Marcus “The Toe”

Position: Kicker

We don’t ever find out the last name of Marcus, but that’s not even the biggest question he raises. The real mystery is WHY is he the kicker?

He gets “recruited” by the group to join the team when they see him kicking a dodgeball. Evidently, that shoehorned him into being the kicker even though there’s no proof he can actually kick a football.

The first play of the game is him completely missing the ball and kicking poor Johnny straight in the nethers.

His moment of glory is bouncing an extra point off the bottom crossbar and just barely through the uprights.

We don’t get to see the next two extra point tries, but the score gets to 21-21. Apparently Marcus keeps making kicks, even though I’m pretty confident someone else should be handling those duties.

Pro comparison: Historically awful Giants kicker Bob Timberlake

Spike Hammersmith

Position: Running back/Linebacker

The only Cowboys player worth knowing is Spike, a cheap-shotting tank of a kid who was — by all indications — raised like a pit bull barking at you through a chainlink fence. He’s the true antagonist of the movie, although I blame his dad for that, more than anything. The guy tells his son that he has to donate his kidney to Aunt Ruth if he doesn’t injure Junior Floyd!

Outrageously poor parenting aside, Spike is a freight train of a running back. Just about every time he touches the ball, it takes an army of Giants to tackle him.

He’s also a pretty terrifying linebacker. The major flaws in his game are that:

He flies over the head of Tad Simpson on one tackle attempt and gets flipped by Icebox trying to go over her. Keep your feet on the ground, Spike.

Icebox is in his head. For all the bravado, it’s pretty obvious that he’s worried about Becky O’Shea when he’s headed for the goal line in the final seconds of the game.

Spike takes himself out of the final play by chasing down and tackling Icebox during “The Annexation of Puerto Rico.”

Ultimately, Spike’s machismo and violent play is his undoing and helps the Giants score a game-winning touchdown.

Pro comparison: Reckless Raiders LB Vontaze Burfict, who is suspended for the rest of the 2019 season.

[junker-town]

Here are 4,700 words worth of Mike Leach’s most memorable quotes

The former Texas Tech and current Washington State head coach has a long history of saying stuff.

Mike Leach has opinions on everything. Fans and media members like getting him to express those opinions. Let’s get right to it. I’m sure I’m missing a lot, so throw them in the comments for now.

Acoustics

Oklahoma's [stadium is] louder [than Oregon]. A&M's louder. Texas is on the bubble. Nebraska was definitely louder. LSU’s louder. I never went to Alabama. We beat Alabama, but it was at Kentucky. Depending whether or not you at the cowbells, Mississippi State’s comparable. Georgia’s louder. Florida’s louder. Definitely in that one end zone at South Carolina’s louder. Tennessee’s louder.

Little Rock, Arkansas, it’s as if you had a football game in the neighbors’ basement and all the kids were yelling louder than hell, and you could tell when you were starting out. You’d clap your hands and you’d hear it five times and yell, ‘Go, go, go, go, hit, hit, hit, hit.’ Well, then after, and you figure there’s 45,000. You multiply that times five. That equals approximately 250,000.

Being the bad guy

It was right during the Gulf War, so we beat Navy, which was quite a deal, cause there was 300 million people that were ticked off and 250,000 that were happy. It’s like being the Oakland Raiders in the ‘70s. It was awesome.

The Chicago Cubs

There’s some teams — the Cubs are one of them — where there’s just too many fans. They’re one of those teams that, for whatever reason — I guess it’s cause people like the way their uniforms look or something — every yuppie with a BMW or some special attachment to its computer or some designer set of jeans or something like that is a Cubs fan and refers to it as ‘my Cubbies.’

If you say ‘my’ in front of your team, well, then that’s dubious, OK? You know, ‘my this, my that.’ Come on, now. And so you get ‘my Cubbies.’ You don’t get ‘my Indians.’ You get ‘my Cubbies,’ OK?

And I think there’s just too many out-of-the-woodwork people that like ‘em, that just like ‘em cause they like the uniforms, don’t know the first thing about baseball, probably have never even attended a Cubs game, but that’s just gonna be their team since they have something to talk about over the copy machine and the cooler.

So as a result, you know, going against the whole wave of probably seven-eighths of America, I want the Indians. Me and the city of Cleveland.

Coffee

Mike Leach cooling off his hot coffee while Mark Dantonio answers a question during the Holiday Bowl press conference is the best Mike Leach moment ever. http://pic.twitter.com/jN6QyuUhDS

— Sam Adams (@SWXSamAdams) December 27, 2017

Concentration

I’ve specifically concentrated on not concentrating on this, and up to this point, I’ve done a really good job.

Craig James, the ESPN commentator who got Leach outed at Texas Tech

I think my opinion is consistent with most of the rest of America's. This is illustrated by a poll done in the Dallas Morning News where people were asked who they would vote for senator: Mike Leach or Craig James. I got 96.5 percent of the vote.

Dancing

All Scandinavians feel a tiny bit self-conscious, of which I’m one. I’m supposed to be outgoing and interesting; no, I’ve always been insecure about dancing. I was when I was in high school.

They used to have a segment of P.E. when I was in grade school. I used to get kicked out when they’d have square dancing.

I have always felt insecure about dancing. My wife is a great dancer. But I don’t dance. I walk in place, if I’m forced out there. I don’t have any religious reservation about it, and I respect people who can dance great. I don’t look like Elaine from Seinfeld, but all I’m going to do is tread water in place and make it go away.

It’s like in junior high. You want social interaction. Long story short, if you’re a guy, you want to meet girls and vice versa. What a horrible social event. So I’m going to burst into dance? No, I’m not.

I was good at dodgeball. I bordered on great at dodgeball.

Dating in Cody, Wyo.

I'm a big movie guy. If you want to do it more like I did when I was your age, you can go to the Stars & Stripes Theatre because that's what they had in Cody, Wyoming. But otherwise, the movie theater's pretty good. But then you want to end it at some cool coffee shop-type of place, where there's bizarre-looking characters going in and out, so if the conversation isn't going well, you can reference some of the different characters you see coming and going from the place.

If it's a huge night and you're really having a good time, then you can trade computer schemes and emails and mischief that people are up to nowadays, which I know nothing about.

Dating in Lubbock, Texas

You want some place casual to begin with, because you don't want something real formal in the beginning. So some place casual. I recommend Cagle’s steakhouse, which is very casual. The other thing that's great about it is there's very little salad there at Cagle’s.

Dating in Moscow, Idaho

First take her to CDs Pit House BBQ in Moscow, ID. If she will get her hands dirty with some great BBQ, you will know you are on the right track!

Dating in Provo, Utah

Went to A&W [for my first date with my wife]. Had just finished a rugby game, went to A&W, had a coupon book. She said, ‘What are you getting?’ She’s looking at the menu, ‘What looks good? What are you getting?’ I handed her the 2-for-1 coupon book. I said, ‘I don’t know, but here’s the menu.’ Seems to me we got some kind of bacon hamburger thing. She got a root beer freeze. I do remember that.

Then there was a Polynesian food place called the Bamboo Hut but that was closed at that point. The Bamboo Hut was a middle of the day thing that was open from like 11 to 3 or something like that. That was a Joe Salave’a kind of place.

Dating in Pullman, Wash.

I would go to Black Cypress, if you really want to make a good impression. If you want just good, solid food and aren’t as into the atmosphere, I’d go to Mongolian Fire, which I really like. So one of those two. But if you go to the more high-end Black Cypress, I’d talk to Nick beforehand because he has the menu and it’s all really good. He’s got some great appetizers and he’ll come by and keep hitting you up — here’s this, try that — and I think it should work out really well.

Dating with financial savings

If you’re just trying to dress your life up a little and pretend you have a relationship, then maybe you don’t want to use the coupon book, if it’s some kind of a volume deal. But if you want to zero in on one or two [serious relationships], break out the coupon book, saw off the weak right off the top, so you can get down the path to find the right one.

It’s worked out pretty good, because I’ve been married … I can’t remember, a long time. Thirty years or something.

Deflategate

With everything that’s going on, we're worried about how much air goes into a ball, when everybody uses their own ball. It's not like it's a forged football. We waste a lot of time with that, and then we worry about the Kardashians. How can it be that we laugh about England's obsession with the royal family? At least the royal family has college degrees and military service.

Disco

What a dark time for our country.

Doing live TV

I don’t even remember what I said. I hope whatever I said was cute and clever and maybe even a tiny bit humorous. I hope it wasn’t mindless babble, and if it was, hopefully everyone will forget about it pretty quick.

Expanding the College Football Playoff

(He’s been talking about this one non-stop for at least 11 years now.)

“Fat Little Girlfriends”

Leach has repeatedly used “Fat Little Girlfriends” as a symbol of distractions or something?

We pound on Kansas State, so A&M looks at the film all week. [My players] strut around and laugh, you know, ho-ho-ho, ha-ha-ha, and [my players] listen to their Fat Little Ol’ Girlfriends, and pretty soon, what happens in Manhattan happens [to us].

Well, the first thing we do is we go in our meeting and we talk about we're going to respect everyone; we're going to fear no one. We're not going to compare scores, and we're not going to listen to our Fat Little Girlfriends.

Later that week:

As coaches we failed to make our coaching points more compelling than their Fat Little Girlfriends. Now their Fat Little Girlfriends have some obvious advantages. For one thing, their Fat Little Girlfriends are telling them what they want to hear, which is how great you are and how easy it's going to be. I’m willing to go to fairly amazing lengths to make that happen. There will be some people inconvenienced, and if that happens to be their Fat Little Girlfriends, too bad.

Leach later made two editions of the Fat Little Girlfriends Cookbook with his wife.

Fighting

If you get into a fight, don't take your helmet off. We're looking for smart football players, not dumb ones. In the interest of time, don't get into any more fights today.

Fish

‘Now, why would you want to use live bait? It seems to me the faster, more active fish would have to take the live bait, but that's not what you want, is it? You want the big fish.’

He's addressing the air, or us, or no one in particular, or everyone, or maybe just the dying light of the sun burning a brilliant purple-red hole hole in the horizon.

‘If I'm a big, fat, lazy fish, I'm not gonna work. I'm gonna eat the dead fish. It wouldn't make a difference to me, would it?’

The captain says something, but it's cut off by Leach's closing argument.

‘Fish aren't smart. It's not like they have advanced degrees.’

Football plays, ranked

1. Four verticals

2. Stick routes

3. Inside zone

4. Receiver screens

5. Y-cross

Football terminology

‘Why do you call the slot receiver in your playbook the Elf?’

Leach laughs. ‘Because that was Wes Welker, and Welker looks like an elf? One time it's late, like 11 o'clock or midnight on Sunday, and we're having an offensive staff meeting when Welker comes in, and he's wearing an elf costume. Tights, the whole thing. He jumps up on the table and does a little jig. He's smiling, and then he jumps down, and just before he leaves he clicks his heels and then runs out of the door.’

Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

Wes Welker, elf

Georgia’s gnats

‘The Macon crowd, it's funny, but they can sit there like nothing's happening and there can be gnats just biting the hell out of your face. And they'll just be, 'Da da da,' talking, and it doesn't even bother them. Even down in Valdosta, where the gnats rarely got down there, because it's too hot, I guess. This one high school coach, I'm down there recruiting, and he nudges me and says, ‘Try this.’ Well I've got these big, fat, old lips, so it doesn't really work as well. But he'd fire up a little puff and just blow the gnats right off.’

A reporter tried to ask a question.

Leach: ‘And then Skin So Soft, I don't know exactly what that is, but evidently gnats don't like that. So they'd rub that all over and there'd be these fresh-smelling people everywhere who still had some gnats on them and looked kind of oily, you know? And what I think is, the gnats don't really care about [the Skin So Soft], but it probably puts a little sheet of oil on you so it's harder for 'em to bite you. You don't feel the bites. That's just one guy's theory; I'm sure I'm wrong.’

Again, the reporter: ‘Can you talk about some of your marquee games as...’

Leach: ‘Well, that's a fascinating question. So, Valdosta. Valdosta's hotter, yeah, and you're right by the Okefenokee Swamp, and there's alligators and water moccasins, and great fun is had by all. Now what was your question?’

Goths

There’s all these goths, there’s like six goth people. Well, they’re more like between I’m gonna say 20 and 30-year-old goths. You know, they didn’t have school its not like they were skipping school. And who knows, I don’t know what they’re going to do — ‘Hey how you guys doing, great cemetery up here!’ — and they just kind of gave me a frowney goth look, and just sort of nodded.

Because goths aren’t in good moods anyway, I mean everything’s about spider webs and black hair, black this — really white faces.

So anyway, hopefully I made about six new friends, but they didn’t speak much, so.

Halloween candy

I think candy corn’s awful. You know, it’s like fruitcake. There’s a reason they only serve fruitcake once a year, because it’s awful. There’s a reason they only serve mint julep’s once a year, because they’re awful. Now, that does beg the question, ‘why they serve it at all?’ But anyway, that’s my opinion. You eat it by the handfuls, because that’s all that’s left, and you get sick.

Home defense

I do have a Viking axe by the bed, if I need to whack someone. My wife bought me a Viking axe. The axe side curls down so you can grab the adversary around the neck and you can use it to climb walls, as a grappling hook.

Incorporating others’ opinions

‘I called six, or our call for four verticals. We had it, and I called it, and Kliff [Kingsbury, the QB] shook me off. Now most of the time I'm fine with quarterbacks shaking me off, but we had this, and I got mad and called time out and said some things to Kliff.’

Leach spits in the ocean.

‘So Kliff goes out there, and I call six again, and he shakes me off again, and now we get delay of game. It's fourth down, and we're on our own 40, but I just call it again and have some words with Kliff. We hit it against that corner cheating up for a touchdown, and Kliff comes up and starts yelling at me angry on the sideline. “FINE, FINE, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? WE DID IT YOUR WAY, AND NOW ARE YOU HAPPY?” And I was.’

Photo by John Weast/Getty Images

Kingsbury would go on to coach Texas Tech himself

Injury reports

Any stuff on that is so closely guarded. I don’t know if you saw Harry Potter, but in the basement of this building, it’s guarded by serpents and wild dogs and things like that, and you can go try to find the secret to that, but chances of survival ... always a risk. Heck, it took until movie five before he got it done himself, and he had magic powers.

Anyway, [QB Connor Halliday] is doing just fine.

In-laws

If there is any resistance to them letting her go to a Texas Tech football game, it is a clear indicator that they would make terrible in-laws, and you need to get out of that relationship as quickly as possible.

Lawyers

I got my law degree at Pepperdine. I think the legal profession is getting somewhat corrupted. When it comes to lawyers, I think it’s kind of a Catch-22. On one hand, there’s so much process, procedure and mess caused by the legal profession. But on the other hand, the only way to sort through all that process, procedure, and mess is through the legal profession. That’s why I think lawyers are both very destructive and very necessary. It’s like if you have guys coming after you with a sword, well, you better have a sword too.

Making memories

Our offensive line has to be tougher people ... That will be addressed tomorrow. It will be an experience they won’t forget. They’ll be talking about it when they’re my age.

Mascot battles

A cougar obviously kills a duck and a beaver.

A cougar against a husky, that's pretty well a massacre.

A cardinal or whatever: I don't know exactly what ... a cougar would either climb it, or I wouldn't want to think of what else he'd do on it.

Now golden bears could be kinda tough. I think you'd want to be a little fast and loose with them. You don't want to get caught by that bear.

The Ute ... you gotta dodge some arrowheads, but I still like the Cougar.

Buffalo ... I think the buffalo would be pretty tough to beat.

Wildcat: Cougars are bigger than wildcats.

Sun Devils, that's mythical anyway. Trojans, they may be as well.

The golden bear, bruin, and buffalo .. I think those are the tough ones.

You know, buffalo are significantly bigger than elk. I grew up near Yellowstone, so I've been near buffalo. Buffalo are huge. And then the other thing I've always gotten a kick out of: when you play Colorado, there's those buffalo dragging those six handlers around. Those handlers aren't dragging the buffalo. The buffalo's dragging him. Ralphie's not even a big buffalo.

Math

Go for two, or whatever... http://pic.twitter.com/rnKRnOTnyf

— WSUFootballBlog (@WazzuFBBlog) October 11, 2015

Motivation

Cal was playing harder than we were, so we sort of had a get-in-touch-with-your-feelings kind of conversation, where everybody got kind, fuzzy-gooey feelings for each other, and our intensity increased.

Musicians, ranked

1. Jimmy Buffett

2. Neil Young

3. Lynyrd Skynyrd

4. Jethro Tull

5. Bob Dylan

Opening remarks

Any questions?

The pirates thing

Leach has fully explained the massive pirates analogy that became Texas Tech’s identity. From 2005:

Last year, after a loss to Texas A&M in overtime, Leach hauled the team into the conference room on Sunday morning and delivered a three-hour lecture on the history of pirates. The analogy to football held up for a few minutes, but after a bit, it was clear that Coach Leach was just . . . talking about pirates.

The quarterback Cody Hodges says of his coach: ‘You learn not to ask questions. If you ask questions, it just goes on longer.’

Pizza

I’m a thin-crust pizza guy. I respect people who like thick crust, but in my view it’s mostly bread.

Pokemon Go

Reporter: Do you see your football players walking around-

Leach: Well, I’ve seen them doing that for the last 10 years, but nobody talks to people anymore. I mean, there’s people won’t even talk face to face. They’ll go across the room and text each other. I think it’s actually kind of disturbing. I think the days before cell phones, when it was dirt clod wars at construction sites, was a lot more wholesome and productive, to be perfectly honest.

Pregame meals

Mike Leach with the catch of the year http://pic.twitter.com/3GlGlkwXFW

— Jack McGuire (@JackMacCFB) November 26, 2017

Pro wrestling

My dad always watched wrestling and I seldom did. The one that comes to mind is the Vachon Brothers when I was a child. The image most prominent in my mind is the Undertaker.

Raccoons

One night, [my pet raccoon, Bilbo Baggins] got particularly feisty, so my dad and I drove him out to woods. Once we found a good spot, we stopped and I put him on the ground and took his collar off. He kind of ambled about, taking in the new surroundings. I preface this next part by saying I do think humans and animals share an unspoken understanding, to some extent. That’s why it’s so easy to bond with pets. So this is how I remember saying goodbye to Bilbo: He wandered 10 yards away or so from the truck, and then he turned and looked at us and kind of had this expression like, It was nice knowing ya.

Referees

It's a little like breakfast; you eat ham and eggs.

As coaches and players, we're like the ham. You see, the chicken's involved, but the pig's committed. We're like the pig. [Officials] are like the chicken. They're involved, but everything we have rides on this.

James Snook-USA TODAY Sports

Running up the score while up 56-17

There was 23 seconds on the clock. That's more than enough time. I think we all had a level of disappointment we didn't score one more touchdown.

Running up the score while up 70-10

Football is the only sport where [you’re supposed to] quit playing when you get the lead. In golf, you keep trying to improve your score every hole. In basketball, you don't stop shooting when you're ahead. In boxing, you don't quit punching when you're ahead.

Satellite camps

For all our posturing and pompously parading around and pretending everything is about the student-athlete, we've just cut out a whole bunch of opportunities for them, and we've done it for no better reason than we're selfishly, jealously, trying to guard our recruiting areas. Or we're too lazy to work the camps.

Are they really that sensitive, would they really be that paranoid and petty and say, ‘Okay, we're mad at Jim Harbaugh, and we don't like him or his tone of voice, and now we're gunna screw over the student-athletes a ton of other schools would have the opportunity to see and recruit because Jim Harbaugh was mean to us, and we didn't like what he said, and he hurt our feelings?’ And somebody down there went and chalked Jim Harbaugh's name on the side walk, and our feelings are hurt, and we live in fear, so please change the rule.

Sports movies

You can’t really talk about great sports movies, though, without mentioning Talladega Nights, that Ricky Bobby one. That movie is off-the-charts funny — and after getting to know some NASCAR guys over the years, I realize that it isn’t just a straight comedy. It’s part documentary. I know people who do stuff like name one of their kids Walker and the other Texas Ranger. If you go to any elementary school classroom in Texas, some kids in there are going to be named either Austin, Dallas, or Houston. That’s basically the same thing. I wouldn’t do that, or at least I’d try to get more creative with it. Name your kid Amarillo or Carrizo Springs. You know what, I’m going to move back to Texas, have another kid, and name him Fort Stockton.

System quarterbacks

If [2003 record-setter B.J. Symons] is a product of the system, then he’s not getting any of those touchdown passes and all those yards. That means our coaching staff is. That would also mean we could go down to 7-Eleven and get the clerk behind the counter and let him play quarterback.

Technology and the end of humanity

All this button-pushing and whatnot. I mean, you can just imagine, based on what’s happened in the last 15 years. Conversations won’t happen, 10 years from now. There aren’t going to be people to talk to. It’s going to be like this [mimes typing on a phone]:

‘Do you want to go out on a date with me?’

‘I don’t know. What do you look like?’

‘Well, I kind of look like this.’

‘OK, what are your interests?’

‘Well, what do you think my interests are?’

‘Looking into this thing and typing into this, just like yours are.’

‘Yeah, no kidding. That’s what everybody’s doing.’

‘Well, where do you want to go?’

‘Well, what difference does it make? Because all we’re going to be doing is looking into machines anyways.’

Well, that’s true, and in the end, it’s going to be tough to perpetuate the species.

Texas A&M cadets

How come they get to pretend they are soldiers? The thing is, they aren't actually in the military. I ought to have Mike's Pirate School. The freshmen, all they get is the bandana. When you're a senior, you get the sword and skull and crossbones. For homework, we'll work pirate maneuvers and stuff like that.

Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Texas A&M fans

A&M wants to rip on our fans and all that. Our fans are as good as their fans are. One thing our fans don't do is sit around and whine about other teams' fans. Why don't they worry about what themselves are like?

It's interesting to me that all these Aggies — whether they're at A&M or here — are sitting around with halos over their heads, and they have some divine expertise on fanmanship. I just don't believe that's the case. For the record, I think our fans are better than the Aggie fans.

Twitter, as of 2012

Twitter is now banned around here, so don't expect anything on Twitter. Twitter's banned, and quite frankly, if after today you see anything on Twitter from our team — and I don't care if it says ‘I love life’ — I would like to see it, because I will suspend them.

Twitter, as of 2017

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! http://pic.twitter.com/zBUsGhoIuF

— Mike Leach (@Coach_Leach) November 23, 2017

Upsets

Everybody's all surprised every time this stuff happens. It surprises me everybody gets surprised, because it happens every year like this that there are surprises. The most surprising thing would be if there weren't any surprises. So therefore, in the final analysis, none of it's really that surprising.

Weather

Weddings

The women lose their mind. Your fiancee’s gonna lose her mind, your mother-in-law is gonna lose her mind, your mom is gonna lose her mind, several of your sisters and female relatives are gonna lose their mind. And, they’re gonna barrage you with constant questions — ‘what should we wear?’ and of course my answer was ‘I don’t care.’ And then ‘what color should the invitations be?’ ‘ I don’t care.’ ‘What should we have for dessert?’ ‘I don’t care.’ ‘Should we sit this way, or that way?’ ‘I don’t care.’ But see, I don’t care’s not satisfactory at all, and you’re going to get caught in a catch-22 — and I’m certain that you already have — and that catch-22 is, ‘Well I want you to be a part of this too, so what color invitations?’ ‘Alright, the blue ones.’ ‘Well I kind of like the tan ones’ — ‘OK the tan ones then.’ ‘Oh you’re jut saying that bc you want this over, you’re not even thinking about it’ — which is, of course true. ‘What do you want for dessert?’ ‘I was thinking strawberry shortcake.’ ‘Oh, OK, strawberry shortcake would be good. Well, what about the blueberry pie?’ ‘Well I like the blueberry pie, we could have the blueberry pie’ — ‘Well I thought you wanted to have the strawberry shortcake?!’”

And it’s just gonna go back and forth, and they’re just going to play keep-away from you until after you’re married. There’s no answer that you give that’s going to be satisfactory or correct. And if you successfully please a few of them, a few others will be ‘Oh, well I just don’t feel like he’s that interested.’ So you need to work late, go in the back room and read a lot of books, take the groomsmen out so you make sure that they march in just right, and they know exactly, you know these swell outfits that you picked out, or however you’re doing it. And in the end, you’ll wish you eloped.

Wind superiority: Iowa vs. West Texas

I know that in Ames, Iowa, they fancy themselves being experts on the wind, but in Lubbock, Texas, we'll put our wind up against your wind in Iowa.

Wind superiority: Chicago vs. Wyoming

I'm proud to say I had a bet with a guy from Chicago who said Chicago is windier and colder than Wyoming. Wyoming dominated them.

Winter fashion in the Pacific Northwest

As we're going up College Hill, shoot, there's mini skirts and hot pants everywhere. So I ask [my wife], ‘What's the temperature?’ I go, ‘It's gotta be pretty warm out there, huh?’ Thirty-seven degrees! Thirty-seven degrees!

I don't know what's in the water and exactly how tough these people are.

Zombies

Some of [the players] have been great [at effort], and some of them have been very poor. Some of them have had kind of this zombie-like, go through the motions, everything is like how it's always been, that's how it'll always be ... some of them quite honestly have an empty corpse quality. That's not pleasant to say or pleasant to think about, but that's a fact.