#just in case? even if there's no suicide that picture could still be upsetting idk

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #479

“war sends our sons to slaughter  /  another failed attack; there is no turning back”

Have you ever boycotted something? Yes: Chick-fil-A. Homophobic, transphobic pieces of shit. Has anyone ever borrowed something from you, and not returned it? Yes, a video game when I was little. I was so mad, lol. Do you vent a lot on social media? No. I don't want people to get annoyed with me. What was your first bill you started paying on your own? I haven't been responsible for any bills yet. What is your favorite charitable cause to donate to or volunteer for? I can't/don't do either really, but if I could, I'd probably donate to uhhhh... suicide prevention organizations. As for volunteering, definitely something with animals. Have you ever dated someone who wasn’t at all your usual type? No. What is something you have no patience for? Waiting at the doctor's office. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis? Yes. What’s that you’re listening to? I'm watching Gab play The Evil Within 2. What kind of relationship do you have with the last person you kissed? We're a couple. What is your biggest accomplishment in life? Still being alive. What is one thing that you really wish you could understand, but don’t? Political stuff. Economics. Have you ever been tutored or tutored someone yourself? I had an Algebra tutor the last time I was in college, and I had to strangle an anxiety attack down because I wasn't understanding the material AT ALL and felt so dumb and annoying. I never did it again. What was the last thing you said out loud (singing doesn’t count)? "It's really embarrassing," to Mom. It really is fucking humiliating that my ankles are swollen from walking/standing more and pushing my desk chair back against the resistance of the carpet. That's pathetic. I'm trying to focus on the fact it's good my body is even reacting to moving more, though. Is everything you have on actually yours? Yep. Do you ever just randomly drive around when you’re upset about something? I don't drive, but if I did, that would NOT be my method of de-stressing. What was the last act of creativity you displayed? Writing an RP post. What’s your favorite department in Wal-Mart? Uh, I guess where you can go see the plants and flowers. Do you find kite flying boring? I LOVED it as a kid. I'd still probably find it kinda fun. Do you have any interest in visiting Japan? Yes, but it's not a massive interest. I've heard the humidity can kill a bitch, and I am NOT into that. Have you ever run a cash register? Yes. I sucked. Have you ever worked as a server? No. Have you ever done the Bratz challenge on YouTube? No, but I saw James Charles do it and it was v unnerving, holy shit. Would you rather paint or carve a pumpkin? Carve. What was your worst experience in high school? My depression as a whole. How much did your senior prom dress cost you? I don't remember. Have you ever been in a serious romantic relationship? Three, if you include my current one. Which part of your body is the most muscular? Uh, nothing? What is the first site you check when you get online, generally? KM. Are you good at creative writing assignments? That's my forte. In elementary school, I actually won a I think county-wide creative writing short story assignment. Not to brag, but I've always been very proud of that, ha ha. Or would you rather just do an informative essay? That's easy for me too, but I prefer writing creatively. Are you more attracted to the badasses, or the goody-goody types? Definitely the goody-goodies. The "bad guys" have never appealed to me romantically. Do you raise your hand or participate in class? I did if I really wanted to ask something or was confident in an answer. What is something BIG you want to do with your life? Make a difference, somehow. What do you think of people who own wild animals? Do NOT just casually take in animals from the wild. That's selfish and just generally disgusting. If you're going to keep an animal generally described as wild and undomesticated, you'd better have a license and deserve that license. Know what you're doing and be certain that keeping the animal in captivity is in the animal's best interest for its unique case. Are you good at explaining things, in general? NOOOOOOOOO, I suck at that. Do you like visiting the mall? Why or why not? Not our mall, no. Its stores suck/are extremely limited, and SO much crime has happened there. Do you like window shopping? Why or why not? YESSSSSSS, mostly on Morph Market, a mostly reptile selling hub online. You can browse TONS of breeders and literally thousands of reptiles, especially ball pythons. They even have a tarantula section I like to look at sometimes. If you lost your job/home/etc., who would likely help you? If I'm losing my home, I'm assuming my mom is gone, so my dad. Why did you first kiss the last person you kissed? We were a couple and I felt like I was supposed to. At that time I didn't see him romantically, but I desperately wanted to. Funny how we're back together and I've no reservations against kissing him now. Feelings change, for sure. Plans for tonight? Girt and I will probably play some WoW Classic together. We've started playing that together, and it's lots of fun with him. :') Has anyone seen you kiss the last person you kissed? Actually, no. Have you ever been kissed in a car? Yeah. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? I know Girt does. Is there anyone in your life that knows right away something’s wrong with you? My mom. Who last made you smile? Girt, 'cuz he's a sweetheart. Where is your mother? She's in bed in her room. She feels like shit. Like, you would think she WASN'T vaccinated, though her long-time doctor has said she'd probably be dead without it while having Covid. Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Stars. Think about your biggest mistake, would you go back and change it? I absolutely would. Are you dating the person you last kissed? Yeup. What is the most immature item you own and actually use? Um. Idk. Do you always take a shower after you have sex? I... didn't know people did this? Like I know women are advised to pee after sex, but full-on showering? No. Do you like chocolate popsicles? Oh hell yeah. Are your parents proud of you? They claim to be. I don't see how. Are you interested in the ocean? Yeah; it's inarguably so fascinating. Hot dogs or hamburgers? I prefer burgers. Have you ever been to a Chinatown in any of the cities you’ve been to? No. Have you ever been to couple’s counseling? No. Do you have any dietary restrictions? No. Have you ever turned down a job offer? No. What’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet? A dog named Cali that was a boxer mix. Do you ever pray, even if you don't believe in God? What exactly is the point if you don't believe in God...? Anyway, I don't. Have you ever been to Mexico? No. Have you ever gotten stuck in quicksand before? No. What's the shortest or longest length you've ever had your hair grow? To around the small of my back. The last nest you saw - was it a bird nest or a hornet's nest? I think a bird's? Do you enjoy Jeff Dunham? I don't know if I'd like him as a person, but I do think he's a funny comedian. Who is your favorite character from Frozen? I was never into the movies. I do think Elsa is kinda cool (no pun intended, lol), though. I like that she has her flaws. Did you finish high school? If not, do you plan on doing so? I did. Have you been in a simulator that mimicked a submarine or rollercoaster? A rollercoaster, yes. How often do you go out to eat instead of cooking for yourself? Mom and I try to avoid fast food for our health. We do a pretty good job at it, but sometimes for convenience's sake, we do eat it. What is the largest family of siblings that you know of? This is probably gonna come across as very judgmental, but... it really bothers me. I don't know how many kids she has now, but one of the dance moms from the studio has SO many children; I've completely lost count. Now if you want that many kids and can provide for them, that's cool. But that's not the case. She uses the "if God wants me to have a baby, then it will happen" mentality, and I'm just like... um, no hunny. Poor choices are leading to kids you're not adequately providing for. She uses no methods of protection and literally has twins whose room is a fucking closet. Ugh it just really bothers me. What foreign languages were offered to you at school? A whole lot. Only Spanish and I believe French were offered as in-school courses, but there were lots of online classes. If you were required to take a course right now, what would you choose? Photography. Team Biden or Team Trump? Over my dead body would I have voted for Trump. My vote went with Biden. What is an animal native to your country that may not exist in others? Bison are factually exclusive to North America. Note that bison and buffalo are different. What are some of your favorite autumn activities? Taking pictures of fall scenery. <3 What are some of your favorite winter activities? Going out in the snow. :') Especially with a camera. Do you eat a shit-ton the week before your period? uuugggghhHHHHHH yes Wendy's, McDonalds, or Burger King? Wendy's. What's the weirdest question you've ever asked Alexa? I've never asked Alexa anything. Do you prefer your apple cider to be warm or cold? I've actually never had it. Do you prefer your coffee hot or iced? Y'all know the story of me and coffee. Can you sing the alphabet backwards? I can't. Have you ever sent flowers or chocolates to yourself before? Ha ha, no. Is there any meat that you won't eat? Yeah, fish and ANYTHING that comes from a wild animal. Does your cat use anything other than it's scratching post as a scratcher? When we got him a scratcher WITH CATNIP, the lil butthead ignored it. -_- He scratches the carpet instead. Did you go through a vampire craze before? Are you still going through it? Nah. Have you ever forged your parents' signature on a poor test paper, etc? No. Has a bird ever pooped on you before? Omg, no. I'd die. Have you ever been sprayed by a skunk before? No. Are black jellybeans delicious or disgusting? I HATE them. Have you ever rolled down a grassy hill before? I have! I miss that.

[ellanainthetardis]

Hi :) I’m know you’ve written fics where both happen but out of curiosity, in movie!verse (which admittedly I mostly ignore hahah) do you hc effie would move to 12 when Peeta moves back? Would it have been as difficult for her to live in the capitol if she was known to have been the escort that sided with the rebellion rather than the one that everyone thought was the enemy? What do you think would be her prompt to realise she’d rather be with haymitch when it’s not her PTSD like in book!verse?

MMM that’s a very interesting question I rarely touch movie!verse post MJ. I’m not entirely a fan of a “stay sober” Haymitch (at least not until a few years down the line when he might make the decision to cut out himself, bc it wasn’t his choice to get sober in MJ and I feel like he wouldn’t stick to it but I digress). As for Effie, it’s hard to tell. I love EB to death and I love her portrayal of Effie but the way they used Effie in MJ... I can’t really get behind it. She’s acting like her most flamboyant spoiled brat self all MJ 1&2 and 13 never puts her back in her place. I’d have liked to see a transposition of the scenes with the prep teams, for instance, or something that would confront her to reality, instead I got customized uniform book!13 would never have allowed and random comic relief. 

Anyway. Back to to topic. Two options, I think. Either we consider purely movie!canon and we decides they started hooking up in 13, so when he says don’t be a stranger maybe he means that but she doesn’t take it to mean “please move in ily” bc they don’t have the “history” so to speak. In which case, I will lean more toward something where she stays in the city and take a job with Plutarch, basically filling out Fluvia’s role, by becoming his Chief of Staff or something. I do think she has the skills to go into politics, maybe not as a face but as a PR or yeah, chief of staff, or something like that. Higher up but behind the throne, you see? 

Since she joined the rebellion after the Quell and was quite publicly the Mockingjay’s escort during the war, I think most rebels would be satisfied with that and maybe conclude she’s been a part of the rebellion for longer than anyone realized and she wouldn’t deny it so... She would be okay with them, maybe even well considered... I do think she would be in hotter waters with the Capitols but since Capitols invented the game, they would pretend and be very hypocretical bc they want to survive and, while she wouldn’t believe a word or a smile and watch for the knife in her back, she would go along with the charade. 

I think she could make a successful career out of that. A career she enjoys even, because her brain would be put to use for once. And since she wouldn’t be as jadded by the war, I don’t see her ambition being put in check. I guess she would be in relationship with Haymitch but it would be long distance. Holidays, the occasional week-end in 12 or the city... 

Maybe it works out well, at first, because Haymitch isn’t used to having someone romatincally around and that’s a good transition but after a while, I do think he would get in a frame of mind where he wants something more stable and it might put tensions on their relationship a few years down the line...

I’m a romantic and I love them so I want to think they would make it but I’m not sure how much a fling that started in MJ with the movie!characterisation would really work out. Either she quits and move to 12 (but she’s so ambitious and if her career is really working well, it seems ooc) or Haymitch moves to the city (which is NOT happening) or they find some sort of in-between solution where she takes a political role as a delegate in 12 or something... 

Second, option (my default when I play in movie!verse) we consider a hybrid of (what we  think is) book!canon and movie!canon for Effie. We consider Effie  has a lot of character development pre 74th and is fully aware of the states by the time Katniss pulls out the poisonned berries and isn’t as clueless during the Tour and etc as she pretends to be on screen. So when she arrives in 13 she’s DEEPLY unhappy about having been “kidnapped” (probably bc if Haymitch had asked, she would simply have said yes), really upset by the rebels failing to rescue Peeta and mostly worried because she’s not stupid enough not to see she’s not welcome. She’s basically durmped into the enemy’s den and Haymitch isn’t even around to protect her (bc he’s in withdrawals). I like to consider book!13 when I write that verse and pretend movie!13 doesn’t exist, so she would also be “a fish out of water” - as was promised when MJ1 came out. I also like to have her wear the real uniform for that reason, I think it’s important for someone like her who always means to stand out to be forced into the ranks, because it would play on her mind and that’s interesting. 

Anyway, book!hayffie do seem to have more history regardless of if you think they were having an affair before 74th or not. They have all those “of one mind” thing and conspiracy in elevators... They do seem to have a more... real equal working relationship, meanwhile in the movie, it seems Haymitch is doing all the work.... So if we take that into account, I think, in that hybrid idea, Effie would stick with Haymitch and remain his escort (and Kat’s obviously) in 13 so she’s more involved despite the hostility she triggers. Her being more involved means she gets to see more of the horrors happening in Command. She would also, I think, be tired by all the years of dead kids. That’s something that would sit heavily on her and I’m not sure book!Effie shrugs it off as easily as movie!Effie does... 

What I like with movie!Effie though, is that she develops a real nice relationship with Katniss. That, we do lack in the books. And I really like that because I think it might come to play a role post MJ. 

Of course, when we consider post MJ we have to decide what to do there too. I don’t like the movie!MJ ending XD I don’t like that Katniss isn’t hurt/addicted and I don’t like that they ship her off right after the murder. I like the whole “suicidal/withdrawal/trial” thing better. There is SO MUCH happening beyond her room during those weeks (months?) and that’s what’s interesting because I think that’s when hayffie’s fate is decided. (either they implode in book!verse - for a little while - or they seal the fact they want to be together for hybrid movie!verse)

Anyway, if we consider the hybrid version of Effie (movie!verse but with book background and the idea that the affair didn’t in fact begin in 13) I think it’s possible she just might be exhausted and disgusted by all the politics and worried about the children enough that she would just come to 12 with Peeta. To test the water. Also she knows her feelings, she’s mostly confident Haymitch does love her, she probably simply isn’t sure he’s actually ready to have her around him 24/24 in his house. 

I mean if she and Haymitch had been dancing around the casual/not so casual thing for years, she might want to take a shot at being steady, committted while he’s miraculously willing. I can see it as a natural progress of their relationship assuming they took a big step in 13 (either by openly sharing a compartment even if it’s not official like I like to hc or even just by not systematically denying when someone assumes they’re together or even - which I think is plausible - by having an actual convo where she puts it on the table that she wants more and he actually awkwardly reassures her that he does have feelings - even if the words aren’t said yet...). 

Now if they just started hooking up in 13, I don’t think she would show up with Peeta because there wouldn’t be all the developped intimacy and trust that they need. They both have huge trust and intimacy issues. Haymitch more than Effie, granted, but I don’t think she’s the kind of girl who would drop everything to follow a guy without being 100% certain he loves her without question. She’s a romantic, no questions, but she’s also pragmatic. I’m not sure we get those conditions with movie!hayffie. 

ALSO I realize this is all my hc and basically book!verse doesn’t give us much more to go on but I really do believe with all my heart the only reason Haymitch would be open to having a romantic (committed) relationship post MJ (and take a shot at sobriety on top of it) is because of Effie, of their long complicated affair and because he realized he loved her a little too late. Two things in movie verse: either they were hooking up and he doesn’t have the *gasp she’s in the Capitol’s hands, I lost her, shit I love her don’t I?” reveal (although I guess we can still have him start realizing during VT and go from there) so the knowledge he actually wants her in his life full time is slower to come OR they start hooking up in MJ and he doesn’t have the years of denial and tentative repressed feelings so I’m not sure how we go from him being a hermit to him wanting to be committed to someone he was sure he disliked even though he was fond of her. 

And she might have the same doubts. Basically a movie!hayffie relationship would have a lot of things to work out. But the thing with movie!hayffie is that Haymitch backstory isn’t explained (is it? I don’t remember. I blacked out most of the things I was disappointed about and boy was I disappointed with the Finnick reveal scene) and Effie’s background is very unexplored so it’s kind of sandbox. I’m too fixed in my own hc and visions of the characters by now but someone else might come up with very various backstories and backgrounds and make it work better than I could maybe...  

If you read all that rambling and made sense of it, I give you a golden star. Maybe I’m way off base though. It’s been a while since I watched the movies. I really didn’t like MJ1 and 2 much. There were stuff I liked, some scenes, mostly papa!H and mama!E, obviously I enjoyed the hayffie... But idk, 13 is too different from what I pictured, not strict enough, and I’m irked every time Coin gives Katniss a peptalk that should have come from Haymitch. The lack of Haymitch is also annoying to me. He’s supposed to be a key player and he’s just in the background. Even Effie is more useful, I feel. 

Anyway, see how my brain works? You ask a question and it jumps in a thousand different directions. I’m not sure I did a good job at explaining my thoughts. 

But do share yours! I’m interested! It’s been a while since we talked headcanons and meta! I’ll put this on the tag if people are feeling like reading ramblings and discussing their own vision... 

All hcs and meta are interesting! 

[pixelpaladin24]

I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what is it about Jamie that you love so much? You never used to blog about him & idk anything about him so I’m curious...

//...you really had to ask this, hadn't you?

I wanted to avoid showing up in his tag before the Manchester gig, because I'm going to meet him flesh and bone, just in case he lurks around here and sees and -- Lord help me -- even remembers it when I meet him and say some stuff which will be pretty much the same what I'll write down now, but I guess it can not be helped. I could write simply that he's brilliant (he is!!), but you wouldn't understand the REASON, and I want you to understand it because it's really important.

So brace yourself, honesty is coming!

Short version: he's an amazing singer and actor, check out everything he does, you'll love it all, promise. You can literally feel his heart in everything he does, and that's amazing.

Long version: (very personal, suicide tw, mental illness tw, self harm tw)

From your ask, I suspect you're a follower of mine who'd been around for a long while. Why I didn't blog about Jamie is easy to answer -- I liked him as young Grindelwald, but that was all I knew about until a few months back. Since then, dear @theladyrebecca asked me what if we watched The Mortal Instruments, in which Jamie is in. Okay, I said, alright, let's watch it. Why not, I'm curious what he can do if he has more screen time.

Well, let me tell you damn! Holy shit! If you hadn't seen it, go watch it! And not just because of Jamie, but because of the whole world that's built up and the story and AAAH!

(Honorary mention of Godfrey Gao who was in this movie as well, my one and only Magnus Bane, who passed away recently. :()

I've also been watching Will in which Jamie is insanely good. No joke. If you can, watch that, too!

Rebecca also promised me that we'd watch the Six Days of Sistine, which is, by my friend's opinion, very, very good. So I'm pretty sure one day I'll watch everything he's ever been in. XD (And yes. Still mad about the cancelled preGoT he would've been in.)

This is the acting part. Now, the music part.

I started to listen to Counterfeit around that time. I've heard a few songs they made a few years back, but time stops existing when you have a toddler, and I've been missing out on the majority of life in general. xD

Give a listen to them, please, I beg you. The music, the lyrics, everything they do is so bloody good! It really is!

I'd like to mention here that usually I do not dwell in celebrities' life. I don't care about it, it belongs to them. I don't read/watch interviews and don't stalk them online. If what they do inspires me -- that's amazing, I'll keep my thoughts to myself and use them to create something out of nothing, to write. Everything I consume, movies, shows, music, everything boosts my creativity, and I build everything into my writing which inspires me.

And there's the really important thing about Jamie.

Because I watched a few videos uploaded by fans on Instagram and it completely blew my mind.

If you've been around for as long as I think you've been, I think you already know I'm battling with depression, anxiety, and various mental illnesses (including self-diagnosed ADHD and OCD). If you've been around, then you must know that my marriage is not a happy one, and things aren't shiny and sparkly most of the time. If you've been around, you know of the survivors' guilt and pain I possess, you know I self-harmed, you know I'm afraid that one day, I'll lose this battle.

And you know that the one and only thing marriage taught me is the fact that it's better to shut up about mental problems and problems in general, because the only reaction I'm going to get is:

"Why are you upset?? Why are you depressed and anxious? You have a family and a job, chin up!"

I've been telling myself over and over again the same fucking lie and started to believe it when I am clearly not okay. I ignored it, and I continued my self-destructive behaviours. I continued to hate myself, to degrade myself, I continued to think my problems do not matter because I do not matter. I've had reoccurring thoughts of committing suicide this year, after years of not thinking about them. Because nobody cares.

How does poor Jamie fit in this picture?

I saw and heard he talks about it. To his fans. During their gigs.

Between the songs he'd talk about mental illnesses and struggles and his own problems.

And I -- and sorry, I can't put it any other way --, I so fucking respect that. This world is about "be positive!" and "smile!" when you're probably broken inside out. It's fake.

But what he talks about is real and it really, literally, punched me in the face. Holy shit, I thought, he understands it. He knows.

I also was in a very dark place mentally when they came out with It Gets Better. When fall and winter rolls around I always find myself alone in a dark tunnel which has no end, as it had been ever since I was 12. My mother was very ill during my 12th fall-winter, and she eventually passed away on 11th December. My father hanged himself when I was 15, at the end of my primary school's last semester. I never recovered from either. And I go through the same thought process every fucking year. No matter I have a family of my own, these come back to haunt me.

This is my neverending, dark tunnel.

And It Gets Better became the light at the end of it. It's my beacon of hope as it is for so many others.

In these brief few months he and his band grew so huge in my eyes that I actually agreed to my friend's proposal and will sit on a plane to see them live together.

I'm afraid of heights, mind you, and I've never sat on a plane before and never been to the UK. My friend also bought me a VIP which is crazy because I'll probably have an anxiety attack when I meet them (xD), but I'm also so very grateful to my friend because this way I can properly thank them.

This is the craziest thing I've ever done in my entire fucking life, and why? Because if they hadn't came out with that song, I don't know where I'd be. Music has power, nobody denies that, I hope -- and there's the terrifying thought of not being able to thank them when I have the time and opportunity.

I have an opportunity, and I'm going to seize it.

I am so fucking grateful Jamie and Counterfeit exists, and I want them all to know it. I respect them all with all of my heart. What they do is amazing, and they save people with it.

They certainly saved me.

[normal-thoughts-official]

T for the fandom ask thing?

send me fandom asks!!

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending, about anything at all (gender identity, sexual or romantic orientation, extended family, sexual preferences like top/bottom/switch, relationship with poetry, seriously anything)

i mean….. so many, mostly related to magnus and alec’s characterisation in this fandom, but since that’s been talked about to death and is pretty much uninteresting at this point….

i think my hugest hill to die on that is actually a headcanon instead of just like, fandom discourse shit, is that magnus’ mom didn’t kill herself because of him. as always, i will elaborate in length, because i have no self control

it just makes no sense!!!!!! magnus says “i was 9 years old when my mom figured out what my cat eyes meant”. what they meant, not that they existed. this implies that she already knew about the cat eyes, probably for a long time. idk if in book canon this is explored or what so again let me just make it clear one more time that i completely disconsider book canon for my show headcanons because it’s!!! a completely!! different!!! plot and characterisation!!! so whatever. but anyway magic is said to be a part of warlocks so it would make no sense for it to only manifest when they’re older. ALSO when alec was at Iris’ (is that her name? anyway you know who i’m talking about, madzie’s granny) house he saw a woman with a baby who was still in like the breastfeeding stage and the baby had a warlock mark!!!! so everything points in the direction of magnus always having had his warlock mark, including the way he phrases the story. 

so i’m sorry, but this woman just saw his otherwise-human son had actual literal fucking CAT EYES, which were GOLDEN, and that he knew MAGIC (otherwise he wouldn’t be able to glamour them and we’ve seen that his eyes are glamoured in his memories) and just, what, never connected the dots? was all like “this is normal actually, definitely not at all related to that literal demon i fucked once”? like i guess asmodeus could have lied to her that he was human but STILL. and then one day she was just chilling at home, reading a book or something, and then she was like “wait…. my son’s a warlock. killing myself time!” like dude what the fuck kind of explanation is that

and historically speaking, the idea that magnus being a warlock would be so horrible to her makes no sense. first of all, let me remind everyone that the whole “demons r bad” thing is a very christian thing; not to mention that the javanese believed in magic, like most people, including europeans, did. so it’s not like the idea of him being a warlock would be completely crazy or something. even if magic was generally not looked up on by javanese people, that is mostly because magic was perceived to bring unbalance to the natural world, which was supposed to be always in harmony, and it was mainly perceived as the society’s job to keep this harmony (same source). even then, they would have sorcerers, people who were kind of the links between the natural and the supernatural world (same source). so using magic to fuck up the harmony was seen as bad and it was generally believed that humans and supernatural entities were part of separate worlds, but even then, there were people who were in the “in-between” of both worlds and they were very well respected, usually healers. meaning; magic could have bad consequences but it was mostly a matter of how you used it, and the importance of having harmony and balance in mind while dealing with the supernatural, which was just a part of the world and everyday life to the javanese. even considering the muslim tradition (which synchretized deeply with indigenous javanese religions) that was already well-established in javanese ports by the 17th century, the worst-case scenario would be that she would be worried and think that it would be best if he learnt how to use his magic properly, to bring harmony instead of unbalance, and to keep him from becoming too ambitious. so she would educate him on that, possibly ask a dukun (medicewoman or man) to help him with his magic. education, not violence or denial or horror. that’s the WORST case scenario considering all i’ve seen about javanese culture and sorcery. it’s also the most likely one.

her killing herself because of it???? is quite frankly not even in the picture for me. it doesn’t click with her worldviews, culture, religion (no matter which of them she followed), societal organization. it fits a christian worldview. at worst, it could be something his stepfather convinced her of - demons are bad, magic is bad, ur culture is bad, ur demonic, blah blah blah, all that colonizer horseshit. and in that case, i think it can’t really be said that the fact that he was a warlock was the reason, it’s way more likely that the fact that she was bound to a colonizer asshole who constantly belittled her, her culture and lifestyle, and her son, and who was probably abusive. like for you to convince somebody that the culture they’ve been living by for their entire lives (remember, she was already an adult) is demonic and inherently bad, you need to do some pretty heavy brainwashing - and i would know, because my grandfather is native and he went through that shit. and in his case he was taken from his land and family. in magnus’ mom’s case, she was still living in a place where her people were the majority!! and in the beginning of javanese colonization the dutch didn’t really have enough political power to influence javanese political relations and religious beliefs. so the idea that he would have succeeded in convincing her that she was a horrible sinner or whatever because of magnus is just, uh, unlikely. and listen, i know firsthand what abuse does to you, it fucks you up, it can have u stray so far from what you believe, i know all of that. but still. its possible he could convince her, but i think its unlikely that that happened, or at least that she started to believe that so strongly she would kill herself just because of magnus and nothing else.

the idea that she killed herself because she was in a highly abusive environment at home? and her husband was just a horrible person who was basically in a constant war with her entire being, trying to completely change her and probably using violence (physical or emotional, doesn’t matter) to do that? now that makes sense to me, finally some fucking sanity. we can’t forget that, canonically, magnus thinks he’s the reason she killed herself because his stepfather immediately blamed him for her death, like a child abuser would. he just started yelling at him that it was his fault and that she killed herself because she couldn’t stand him or whatever the fuck he was even saying, in dutch no less (most mixed families spoke malay at home during that time. i know it’s likely that the reason he speaks dutch is because the writers’ research was absolute shit, but if we’re only considering the in-canon universe, well, the fact that he spoke dutch is very telling). everything just points in the direction of his stepfather just saying what he had always thought, and probably said many times before if we are being honest, so like, call this a hot take, but i don’t think we should just take whatever he said as truth. and we know magnus was only a child who was confused as shit and who then had to endure yet more abuse when he met asmodeus, and who constantly blames himself for everything and thinks he should be responsible for everyone’s wellbeing, so i don’t think we should take his version of the facts as truth. his stepfather just immediately lashed out at magnus because that’s what he had always done, and honestly killing him was so valid.

so yeah i’m 100% sure magnus’ mom didn’t kill herself because of magnus, and like 90% sure her stepfather was the actual reason, if she killed herself at all, which i also question because i mean, watch that scene. first of all, who the fuck kills themself by stabbing their own heart? that’s such a hard way to commit suicide, not to mention a painful and long death. second of all, there’s not a single drop of blood in the mattress or the sheets. not a single fucking one. only her, uh, shirt? is covered in blood. are you telling me she stabbed her own heart and the blood just didn’t spill at all? there are arteries there, it’s one of the places with the highest blood pressure. and what, did she stab her own heart, carefully position herself so the sheets wouldn’t be dirtied, and then covered herself with a sheet so magnus could walk in and dramatically uncover her body? WHY IS SHE COVERED IN A SHEET. it makes no sense for a suicide!! and then the stepfather wasn’t even fazed by the fact that she was dead, like, at all, he just immediately started screaming at magnus, didn’t even look shocked or upset by being feet away from a literal corpse. what the fuck? this suicide is so weird and makes no sense. it looks to me like her body was moved to the bed and then hastily covered in the sheets to hide her in a really dumb way while the culprit figure out what to do next, and then magnus ended up finding her before that, and the stepfather panicked, and i’m not saying he did it, but like he did it tbh. this is not a hill i will die on or anything, like maybe she stabbed her own heart because ?????? and then they moved the body while they figured out what to do and that’s why it’s location and the stepfather’s reaction were so, uh, odd. or you can argue that memories are never completely reliable and this is just a dramatic recreation of how it felt. but i still think it’s at the very least questionable and that his version of the facts just doesn’t add up and we should definitely not be taking it as truth without question. and even if it was a suicide, magnus wasn’t the reason and his stepfather sucks, thank you for coming to my TED talk

[donghyxns]

serial killer! au | donghyun (2)

part 1 of this crazy ass au

mentions of suicide and the ending sucks ass sorry man

you couldnt get him out of your mind for a solid 2 weeks after you met him

lowkey you wanted to smack yourself for actually kIND OF LIKING A SERIAL KILLER???

f off m8

after weeks and weeks (more like a couple of days lmao) of deliberating

you decided to walk down the path at 2:00 AM again

just in case he was there you know

you walked past the placed you first met him and heard grunting again

your heartbeat started to go wild

“jesus, i cant believe im doing this”

you walk down the hill, a smile lingering on your face

he was there digging a hole with a shovel and a dead body laying next to him

“hey, mr. serial killer” 

HE WAS SHOOK BC HE ACTUALLY FUCKING SCREAMED IT WAS FUNNY AND CUTE ALL AT THE SAME TIME

“oh, its just you” his hand was resting on his wildly beating heart

you nod your head, sitting down on the ground

“continue doing your work, i just need to be in the presence of somebody today”

he smiles down at you, taking off his jacket, “the ground is dirty... sit on my jacket instead”

HE WAS SO GENTLEMANLY FOR A FUCKING SERIAL KILLER WHAT

he continues to dig the hole and finally he throws the girl in there

he starts to fill the hole up once again but stops turning towards you

“hey, _____.... this may sound a bit weird but i kind of need a ‘partner in crime’.... do you think you could help me out with that?”

um what

you open your mouth to say something but then close it immediately after

he sighs, running his hand through his hair, “you know, it was a stupid request anyway... im sorry-”

“no,” he looks over at you, “i’ll do it”

-

and that is how you became donghyuns side kick

he lived in a big ass apartment because apparently his dad was like a politician and his mom a top rated surgeon????

ok

so they paid for college and his apartment so he didnt need a job or anything

you found out that hes actually really good at singing and playing the guitar and he's studying music theory in college

now back to you being his side kick

you dont do any of the killing or torturing???

you just kinda lure the victims in by becoming their friend and inviting them over

and then it is in donghyuns hands

you can always hear the victims screaming and crying out in pain from the torture room

the first couple of times it made you cry and shaky but after the 6th or 7th time you really didnt care that much

you just watched movies while it happened or worked on college work

after killing the victim, donghyun would always come into your room all bloody and shit

he would have a big smile on his face and come over to kiss you on the forehead

“i’m leaving now... i made you some food just heat it up whenever you feel like you are hungry”

it confused you so much

clearly you had a huge crush on donghyun

but who knew if he had a crush on you

it would keep you up until 4 am 

you would think about how disappointed your parents and friends would be if they knew you were in love and living with a serial killer

they would all probably stop talking to you all together

you just had to make sure they would never figure it out

it was all good for a couple of weeks

you would get victims, donghyun would torture and kill them, and then he would get rid of the bodies

each day you found yourself falling for donghyun more and more 

he would sing you to sleep if you couldnt fall asleep

he would pet your hair too

he would make your dinner and the two of you would eat it together

the both of you would always go see movies together

it was like you were dating but without the official title

but then one day that all came crashing down

donghyun had left to go dispose of a body which was usually an all night process

you were casually watching running man on the TV and then BOOM he bursts through the apartment door

sweat running down his face and panic plastered on his expression

“donghyun?” you ask but he just walks over to you, pulling you off the couch harshly and dragging you to the room

“we need to leave, like now!” he yells, clearly upset and uncomfortable

he starts throwing your clothes in bags and throwing his clothes in bags and throwing all kinds of toiletries in the bag

“what the fuck happened?” you follow him around

he stops in the kitchen, his hands gripping the marble counters so hard his knuckles were white

his chest was rising and falling rapidly

“someone.... fucking caught me! they tipped me off to the police... jesus fucking christ!” he hits the counter

well shit

your body goes numb but you try to think logically about it

shit you were probably going to be thrown in prison for the rest of your life

“we need to leave, right now” 

-

the two of you camped out at multiple different locations

and since the person only knew donghyun by physical appearance you decided it was best to change your physical appearance

donghyun went from brown hair to a blondish- orange color and he worked out more often, buffing up a bit

honestly,,,, it was hot LMAO

but you couldnt help but feel scared at almost every moment of the day

the only time you felt okay about everything was when donghyun took your face in his hands and told you, “everything will be okay”

the days went by so slow

you and donghyun would just sit on the hotel rooms couch on watch the TV mindlessly

waiting for something to happen

it was like the two of you knew you were fucked bc every time you turned on the tv

pictures of the both of you showed up

they figured out that you were his sidekick bc of how much time you spent with donghyun and when he was gone you were also gone

one day the wait was over

you were sitting on the couch, hand in hand with donghyun

then suddenly, your hotel room door just flew open

the both of you didnt even flinch

it was kind of obvious it was going to happen

you were watching the live news coverage as it was happening lmao

donghyun looks over at you with those eyes

you know what im talking about

and you nod

“dont move!” you hear the police scream but you still stand up mindlessly

you heard several gunshots come from donghyuns end

honestly you were so zoned out you didnt know what the fuck was happening

your ears were ringing like crazy and your legs were on autopilot

you felt donghyun hand on your arm as the two of you went out to the balcony

the last thing you remember was your hair whipping in the cool breeze as sounds of helicopters surrounded the hotel above you

donghyun gave you a large smile, “i love you...”

then the two of you jumped

UMMMMM THIS IS SHIT WTF IM SORRY IDK HOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO END THISLMAO

[lieslayn]

I hadn’t heard from my ex all day. He wasn’t answering my calls or texts about Lukas coming back. He’s usually home before now so my anxiety was through the roof when I hadn’t heard anything by 4.

He finally just called me back, 45 minutes later, and sorry that he wasn’t by his phone…that he is coming within the hour. And that is fine. I didn’t have plans today or anything. And I am relieved! But my anxiety is getting worse instead of better. I do not feel well now all of sudden. My hands won’t stop shaking and my chest is tight. I feel light headed and my feet are tingly and restless. Which are not unusual physical symptoms for me. They can get much worse than they are now, but I was feeling pretty good all day until now. Even happy. Even though I felt bad about what happened with Danny and even though I cried this morning from missing him. I felt a healthy range of emotions. I even thought wow I am making real strides with myself. So I am sad to see that even though everything is fine, I can’t shake this cloud away. There is a real connection between my anxiety with my ex. I feel on edge and unsettled and in the dark every time we have to interact. I don’t trust him. I don’t trust his mental state or his memory or anything he says. He is unreliable. He is fickle. He is lost and he needs serious help that I feel like is not being fully given to him. He is being given all of the resources to improve himself, but he is simultaneously being enabled to not necessarily have to use them to their fullest. I know he still drinks and smokes. He is in therapy, but that is useless unless you are willing to change. He has changed jobs multiple times since we separated. I don’t know anything about his personal life, but I’m sure he’s lonely. I feel very badly for him still, even though he did very awful things to me. Without remorse. I have tried in the past to help. To give advice and listen wholeheartedly, even if it pained me to do so. I have offered my time and energy to go to rehab or therapy with him. He never took it but I was willing. I have in the past bent over backwards making sure my schedule was able to accommodate his and to figure out his schedule with our son. If I didn’t reach out to him he probably would not have seen Lukas. I had to ask him every week what days and times he could see him. I tried not to be too critical when he bailed on his time with Lukas last minute. The entire first year of our separation I wouldn’t know for sure if he was going to come pick Lukas up until he actually physically showed up at the house. It was a 50/50 chance. I had to reschedule myself multiple times. I was not too pressing on child support money because I knew he was in a tough spot financially. But that wore me down quickly. I was a walking corpse. I was on the verge of panic at every waking moment. It’s not my job to do that. It wasn’t fair to me or to Danny to be in that position. It was inappropriate and probably unhealthy for his growth for me to do that.

I have learned over the past 2 years that I can’t trust him. I want to, but I can’t. The last 3-4 months he has been consistent with his job and with the schedule we have. I am feeling better, but I’m not holding my breath. Something huge always happens. Over the summer he got drunk and jumped off of a bridge and almost killed himself. He had to be in the ICU. Instead of telling me he was going to be okay he texted me that he was in critical care. And that’s it. No other information. He once cried to me on the phone about having testicular cancer, which turned out to be untrue. He has had stomach ulcers and kidney problems and pneumonia. I can’t even keep up with it. And he uses it against me. He emotionally manipulates me to his advantage when he feels like I’m gaining the upper hand. He compared my clinical depression to his alcoholism and tried to reason that I just needed to trust him because he trusts me with our son? I am still offended by that. He reasoned that he hasn’t paid me anything because I still owe him from when he had to break the lease on our apartment when I moved out….he used my living with my parents against me because I don’t have to pay rent and so I don’t need child support. Like I don’t make $10/hour……..he’s told me multiple times that my fiancé is a liar and a backstabber that he doesn’t trust. He lamented to me about how he feels like we have mentally switched places. He was actually vocally upset to me that I was much happier now and that he was depressed…….he fueled my suicidal depression when we were together. He lied so well about everything and made me seriously question my sanity and nature when we were together. He made me feel responsible for his shortcomings. He made me feel like maybe I was the one manipulating him. I started to believe it. And he is such a narcissist that I think he might actually believe it to. His memory and the reality he lives in can be truly baffling. Arguing with him is impossible and gets nowhere. And when he starts to realize that I am not backing down on this one, after hours or days or weeks of yelling matches, he goes into the most pathetic self pitying speech you have ever heard. That he is a terrible person and so sorry for everything he’s put me through. And that he is useless and wants to die and has nothing going for him. That he understands what he did in the past was wrong, but he just wants to be a part of Lukas’ life and nothing else. That he just feels like I’m trying to take Lukas away from him entirely. (Which has obviously never been the case!! Most people in my position WOULD have fucking boxed him out of their lives. I go above and beyond to continue working with him). The conversation is totally changed from Lukas to himself. To how goddamn bad he has it. And I know it’s another form of manipulation, but I think he also totally believes it too. And that’s really hard on me because of who I am. I have a lot of toughening up to do still. The issue is that it feels impossible for me to win anything with him. It becomes an absolute nightmare. Idk what I’m going to do in the future. I don’t know how this is going to pan out. I need to get a lawyer now and I need to protect myself and Lukas just in case.

Things have calmed down a lot since the bridge accident, but I’m still on edge. I’m still waiting for the next big thing. try my absolute best to make things fair and not to show my uneasiness in front of Lukas. I wish he weren’t in the picture, but I still make sure that he is. Even though I still haven’t seen a dime from him.

The only thing I do know is that he loves Lukas. He is good with him. He takes him to the park and has finally (starting only a few months ago) been purchasing clothes and necessities for Lukas to keep at his mom’s house. I no longer have to pack him an overnight bag of everything and I no longer have to share my car seat thank god.

And I am frustrated and angry because it’s just common curtesy to let the mother know if you’re planning to be later than usual…….

[borderlinebabyjesus]

Okay here we go….for BPD awareness month day 31.

Day 31: Post a picture of yourself and tell us your story.

Not all my pictures are like this lol this is a photo from a bunch of pics I took recently for an ID and it was the most recent in my camera roll. I don’t have quite the energy to talk about my whole story or go into detail about things so I’ll just highlight things and generalize.

I grew up in a somewhat physically and emotionally abusive home. My childhood wasn’t bad, but it definitely wasn’t normal. My dad was an alcoholic and although he got sober when I was 6, his addict tendencies show through constantly. I had some anxiety and depression earlier in life but it came in in full swing when my dad had a heart attack when I was 12. I was honestly more angry and confused than upset. He’s still alive. After his surgery he literally was doing the opposite of everything the doctors told him, and I along with my family would plead with him to try to take care of himself but he only responded with anger. I took it personally and felt neglected by him and began to hate him, which has lessened a tiny bit over the years but we still have basically no relationship. The next big bump that really set things off was when I was 16. My parents and I had a huge physical fight and that’s when I realized my parents hitting me and hurting me physically was not normal, that this shouldn’t be happening, even though it was drilled into me throughout my childhood that it was just discipline and I rarely questioned it. I got really depressed and suicidal. A DCF case opened up and my parents hated me for it for awhile. Luckily that only lasted like 6 months because DCF fucking sucks. I’ve always had bumps, some bigger than others in my relationship with my mom but I know that I love her and she’s definitely important to me. Especially since my dad has always been emotionally absent and shitty. There’s a teacher I became really close with when that stuff was happening with my family when I was 16 and she was basically my surrogate mother. I later realized that she had been my FP. Big time. She definitely saved me and kept me alive for awhile but long story short after a while she couldn’t manage it anymore and abandoned me. Which shattered me but I’ve slowly been moving on from it. Just last week I was sexually assaulted by one of my best friends. I’ve been pretty numb to it so I’m not sure if I’m over it or just suppressing.

Those are some highlights. I’m gonna list my hospitalizations, target behaviors, and diagnoses.

Hospitalizations: October 2015, November/December 2015, February/March 2016, and June/July 2016 for suicidal ideation. January 2016 and October 2016 for suicide attempts (both overdoses).

Target behaviors: self harm (mainly cutting and burning)– now almost 6 months clean, substance abuse (alcohol and benzos)— I just started smoking weed again regularly but I was totally sober and have still been abstinent from alcohol and benzos for a little over 7 months, restricted eating.

Diagnoses: general anxiety, major depression, borderline personality disorder, and EDNOS, all professionally diagnosed. I think I have PTSD symptoms due to trauma but idk if that would be diagnosable or if it just manifests in my BPD, so for now I’ve self diagnosed myself with it.

If you’ve read all the way down to here, thank you. I know I just talked about some heavy stuff so I wanna end this on a lighter note. I used to hate, and still kinda do, when people say “it gets better”, but it honestly does. Or I like to say “it doesn’t always get better, but it becomes easier to manage”. And it’s worth it. I haven’t been hospitalized in over 7 months when at one point the most I could go out of the hospital was 5 weeks. I’ve been privileged enough to have completed an intensive outpatient DBT program which although for much of the time I was resistant to it, it helped me so much. And my therapist has kept me alive and is my best friend/ FP. I have some wonderful supportive people in my life and am going to be starting college in the fall. I still feel suicidal a lot, but I’ve learned that it can’t be an option for me. And I can find value in things that make me even the slightest bit happy, and glad that I’m still alive.

Although I’ve made it clear I’m not a professional, please message me if you ever need to talk!!!! xoxo I love you all

[clairenovac]

Sending you lots of love honey! i'm sorry about your mom but i hope you understand that it's never your fault, and it was something beyond her control. (my therapist tells me to say that in my head every time i think of my best friend who also committed suicide. she called me about an hour before that and i was in a class so u can understand the guilt i feel sometimes but i know she was sick and i might not have changed anything). Wishing you the best in everything you do.

thank you so much ❤️ i’m so sorry you had to experience that. my mom was 53, she would’ve had many more decades ahead of her, but she had still reached many life landmarks she wanted to. i’m assuming your friend was a teen or young adult? i mean all suicide is tragic no matter the person’s age or other circumstances but i imagine it is somewhat a different experience

ok here’s another couple paragraphs lmao i just pulled an allnighter i’m in one of Those Moods™

ok so, through a lot of work i’ve come to a place where i can truly say i fully know it wasn’t my fault. on many occasions i upset her, sure, but no more than your average teen.

my mom was a case like many others: someone who didn’t have super concrete “reasons”. she was stressed about her job often but i mean she did love her job, she was a pharmacist which requires a doctoral degree which she complete a year early, she was smart as hell, she had many friends, she loved madonna and missy elliot (idk man she had quirky music tastes), she liked fashionable purses, she found religion (converted to judaism) as an adult which gave her a lot of strength and identity.

but she was very mentally ill. it was just how her brain was structured and how the chemicals within it operated. she had periods of her life where it was bad (it emerged when she was quite young, according my aunt around 8) and periods where it was barely there. in her late 20s to late 30s she was very stable. but after my sister was born she developed very serious postpartum depression (so when i was just about 2) and for my whole childhood i grew up with a parent who seemed “normal” from the outside but home could be chaos in outbursts you could never predict. she had borderline personality disorder (but about after her death my psychiatrist began to realize i was bipolar and she talked to my mom’s psychiatrist and they came to believe she may have had bipolar as well, and this was also supported by the fact that it is very very often genetic)

and this is so not unique? suicide being a matter of an illness, with partial outside trigger, but still strongly tied to an illness. i could list 1300000 reasons why that-trash-show-that-we-shall-not-name deeply upsets me but one of the main ones is that it supports the notion that suicide is cause -> effect. now i’m not saying suicide can’t be influenced by external things. hannah endured a lot, definitely realistic things, but none of them caused her to commit suicide. maybe that is a controversial statement for me to say. of course that rapist should burn in hell and feel awful for what he did. i think the guidance counselor is also very responsible for literally breaking the law and not fulfilling his role as a mandated reporter when a minor fave him THREE different things which he would be required to report to authorities asap (two rapes of a minor + suicidal minor) but other than that i really don’t blame the other kids. i feel for them. they survived this trauma. i’m not blaming hannah or saying she was selfish. the issue is the show did not give any indication of an underlying mental illness. (so when people say it explores/portrays mental illness i’m like…. right and orange is the new black explored/portrayed the dangers of rock climbing without proper equipment!)

i can picture it oh so clearly, the millions of mentally ill teens, many of whom haven’t had any major traumas or “reasons”, ignored because of the fixation of reasons and direct causes. not only that, but the guilt of those kids, believing their emotions are not valid. this would likely only exacerbate suicidal ideation.

as you said, the guilt being someone left behind is so real, and while some people who commit suicide do place some sort of blame on others, far more feel either indifferent to how others will react or even more often believe deeply that others will be better off without them. the ones left behind make their own tapes in their head.

[axiomandidiom-blog]

This was made for kids in high school and I did it anyway

1:Is there a boy/girl in your life?

No

2:Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

I don't know who that would be, but probably. I assume I've forgiven them if I can't remember. Unless we're counting me, in which case, no. I have not forgiven myself.

3:What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

Cats. But, like, TV cats. I don't think of real cats as making this noise.

4:What’s something you really want right now?

Money. Which is stupid. I have money, or enough. I guess actually I want money so I don't have to plan my spending, and I don't want to plan my spending because I'm scared of numbers and because I don't like cooking and because I can't keep anything in the fridge without it rotting, as food tends to do if you forget about it and leave it in there.

5:Are you afraid of falling in love?

No. I am afraid that I am unlovable. I don't think I'm a person most of the time. I can't do things people can do. I'm something less-than.

6:Do you like the beach?

I adore the beach. I should go.

7:Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

I think I've been asleep while some nephew was sitting on me. If that counts. Otherwise no. I haven't had an opportunity to in many years, and I don't like touching people mostly, and I can't really sit still without fidgeting and that makes me nervous when in situations where I have to sleep near someone. I almost can't believe I typed that. I'm the fucking worst.

8:What’s the background on your cell?

Default. D:. I've never thought of changing it. What's wrong with me? What would I even put there? People? Friends? I don't like any of my friends enough to do that. It would have to be a pretty hilarious picture.

9:Name the last four beds you were sat on?

Mine, my roommate's... some of the bonus ones at my parents' house I guess. I don't go in people's bedrooms.

10:Do you like your phone?

Kinda shit tbqh fam

11:Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

I've never been a planner. I kind of always assume I'm going to die imminently. I think that's called “generalized anxiety” but it's my experience of life. If this is a roundabout way of asking if I feel like I've accomplished anything, the answer is no.

12:Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

Either my therapist :X or the phone at work, idk on the timing exactly they both happened kinda recently

13:Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

I don't like dogs. But man do I hate poodles. Rottweiler might be okay if I could get it to be nice (I'm aware this is dependent mostly on me, and frankly I'm irresponsible af)

14:Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

Does anyone say physical? I mean I get headaches sometimes and I can't really do anything but wallow when that happens, and I'm in fairly constant emotional turmoil and it doesn't stop me from going to work or doing my laundry or anything. So idk. But fuck emotional pain. At least I know the physical pain will go away. At least physical pain has causes I can identify, things I can do to prevent or mollify it. Emotional pain is just mind poison and you can't get it out and you can't stop it.

15:Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

Art museum. I don't like animals really.

16:Are you tired?

Typically.

17:How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

Like 2 months. I assume this means first in alphabetical order, cause I got no way of determining any other order that I know of.

18:Are they a relative?

Nah. Friend of a friend who played DnD with me a couple of times. She's cool but I can tell from the way she talks to me that I don't make much sense to her.

19:Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

Just the one. And no. I think that would just make me hurt worse. I think I'm poison, and I think other people are poison too. And I'm still really mad at her for like no reason. And I'm still upset about the entire thing. Why did I do that? Why did I do anything?

20:When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

2009. So like ~7 years. Same person as last answer. I don't want to talk to her. I see her around sometimes and all I feel is shame.

21:If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

I don't believe in marriage, I don't believe in other people, and I don't believe in tomorrow.

22:Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

I think I would just start crying instead.

23:How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

0. I don't do adornments.

24:Is there a certain quote you live by?

Everybody else is just trying to get by, too. If you can do anything to make it easier for them, do it. Also, I don't like to be first and I don't like to be last. I don't think those are quotes but they inform my thinking a lot.

25:What’s on your mind?

I'm horrible. I wish I was a better person. I wish I was thin. I wish my skin was better. I wish I wasn't so abrasive or critical. I wish I didn't get tired of people. I wish I was better at talking and making people feel like I'm interested in them, I think people who can do that have a better time. I wish my brain worked right. I wish I could keep things together in my head and in my life.

26:Do you have any tattoos?

No. I don't like anything enough to tattoo it on me. I don't generally believe the events in my life have meaning, let alone have enough meaning to be converted to a symbol and affixed to my skin.

27:What is your favorite color?

Orange, followed closely by green.

28:Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

Possibly never.

29:Who are you texting?

My friend group.

30:Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

Yeah. Was many years ago. But we did more than that on couches.

31:Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

Yes but that doesn't mean anything. I feel like something bad is always about to happen and sometimes bad things happen. There's no causal relationship there, and not even a particularly strong correlational one.

32:Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

I like to talk to my friend J when she's around. I feel like she understands me and likes me. She's an old friend's sister, and the daughter of my mom's friend. I'm not really friends with her brother any more but I still like and talk to J. Just, not very often. I wish I was better friends with my friend E's fiance but I dunno how to make that happen.

33:Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

Good feelings? I dunno, I think some of my friends think I'm okay. Romantic feelings? Lol who would that even be. If there is, they should say something to me because I'm p oblivious. But no, I doubt it.

34:Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Maybe? Not many people look into my eyes, and I don't like looking into the eyes of other people.

35:Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

I'd probably leave. I assume (I hope, on some level) she is kissing someone, because that would mean she was with or pursuing someone, and I want that for her if that's what she wants. I also would feel really, really bad, and go outside and look at the sky and think about how shitty I am.

36:Were you single on Valentines Day?

For the last 7 years

37:Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

No. Don't want to be. I don't think I could do that. I think I used to want to, or think I could, and somehow that feeling has shriveled and all that's left are fear and anger and sadness.

38:What do your friends call you?

My name. :/

39:Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Yeah. Lots of. Not on purpose I don't think. I just tend to ruminate and let things accumulate until I'm just all sorts of a mess. And that's been like that for the last 28 years.

40:Have you ever cried over a text?

I don't remember. Don't think so.

41:Where’s your last bruise located?

Arms probably.

42:What is it from?

Dunno. I bruise super easily, and I bump into stuff a lot.

43:Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

Couple months ago was the last time I thought about seriously leaving my situation. Before I got a job. I also have some persistent but passive suicidal ideation and if I'm being rational I can think “you don't want to die, you just want to not be doing what you're doing or going through what you're going through,” and that helps a little.

44:Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

Friend E. Just making plans I think.

45:Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

No. I don't keep them long enough for that. I wear them until they fall off.

46:Do you wear hats if you're having a bad hair day?

What does this mean? I wear hats when I haven't washed my hair in a few days and I look shitty.

47:Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

I have been bald, not sure it was the style. I would do it again, it just isn't super socially acceptable.

48:Do you make supper for your family?

Lol what family. And I'm a garbage cook.

49:Does your bedroom have a door?

No I live in a cave and I drape a sheet over the entrance.

50:Top 3 web-pages?

Sfw, I like certain reddits, giant in the playground is cool too, love me some twitch.

51:Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

Me and everyone who has the attention problems I do.

52:Does anything on your body hurt?

Not at the moment.

53:Are goodbyes hard for you?

Depends on the permanence. The act itself isn't. I'm not so great at dealing with the aftermath.

54:What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

Who can say, I do this all the time, it's a miracle I keep myself clean at all ever.

55:How is your hair?

Short, and garbage.

56:What do you usually do first in the morning?

Look at my phone, try and get some music playing, helps me get up.

57:Do you think two people can last forever?

All permanence is an illusion.

58:Think back to January 2007, were you single?

Yeah.

59:Green or purple grapes?

Green.

60:When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

Next time I feel bad for them, or next time I see someone I haven't in a while and that I like (this is p rare), I don't like touching people.

61:Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

Yes, and no. Yes because always I wish my life was not my life, no because I like my bed, it's a nice bed.

62:When will be the next time you text someone?

Tomorrow sometime probably.

63:Where will you be 5 hours from now?

Here, sleeping hopefully.

64:What were you doing at 8 this morning.

Think I was still asleep.

65:This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

I don't like people. I haven't felt attraction to anyone in a long time, until recently, when I stopped taking some of the drugs I take. I frankly don't know what to do with this feeling and it's upsetting to me and makes me feel alone and pointless and horrible. How come other people get to have this thing I can't have?

66:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

No.

67:Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

Niece/Nephews, other misc family.

68:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

Anxiety about church today. It was bad but not as bad as I thought it would be.

69:Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

This is what life is. You have asked me if I have been alive, and by my count I've got 28+ years of living behind me.

70:How many windows are open on your computer?

4

71:How many fingers do you have?

Is this a trick question? I have 12 like everybody else.

72:What is your ringtone?

Keep it silent. Heartbeat buzz pattern.

73:How old will you be in 5 months?

Just turned 29. RIP

74:Where is your Mum right now?

At her house.

75:Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

What a dreadful question. Because she got tired of me? Because I don't know what love is or means? Because I'm garbage? Fuck you question 75 you made me sad.

76:Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

I. Don't. Like. Touching. People.

77:Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

Yes. Hopefully always. They are the only things in my life that make me feel good.

78:Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

Like, 7th grade? Fuck me. Uh. Yes. Ansley. I dunno why. She was mean and sharp and sad. She dated a friend of mine and was awful to him. I'm a messed up person.

79:Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

My brother.

80:Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

Yes.

81:How many people have you liked in the past three months?

???

Zero mostly. Though as mentioned above I've been recovering my sense of attraction to people. But I don't interact with anyone consistently enough to, uh, 'like' them.

82:Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

My roommate. It's hot in here and it's usually no pants o'clock. It's not weird, you're weird for thinking it's weird.

83:Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

No, because no and because there is no person.

84:You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

I've never been drunk. I don't yell at people. I drive around with my roommate and other friends though.

85:If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?

Is it disrupting their life? Is it a problem? Are they hurting themselves? If yes, then yes.

86:What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

Ate dinner with my family tonight, Uncle+Aunt (in law), both brothers, niece/nephews.

87:Who was your last received call from?

I think a debt collector, smdh.

88:If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

Yeah. I'd be upset about it though. Look we all live with certain unpleasant realities, I don't have any control over that, I can't just not exist in this world where someone offered me $1000 to kill a living creature in a horrible manner just to see what kind of detrimental effect it would have on my psyche. Also, it's an insect. It's basically a really complicated robot. If it was a cat or something I'd say fuck no, probably to any amount of money.

89:What is something you wish you had more of?

Attention and Concentration.

90:Have you ever trusted someone too much?

Maybe? It's been a while since I've been taken abject advantage of.

91:Do you sleep with your window open?

When it's too damn hot, yeah.

92:Do you get along with girls?

About as well as I get along with other types of humans, which is to say, no. I'm agreeable and conflict averse but I'm not really engaging and I don't like to be engaged.

93:Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

Does it qualify if there's an obvious truth and a path to change in my own life and I can't see it or refuse to acknowledge its existence? Because this might be the case.

94:Does sex mean love?

No? Does anyone think this? I think the problem here is one of equivocation. If you think sex means love you necessarily don't have the same definition of love that I do. It means your definition of love is sex. So what you're saying is do I think (word x) means sex, in which case, maybe it does, sometimes words have synonyms. But if you're asking me if I equate my idea of love with my idea of sex, then no, those are different things, specificity in definition is what leads to knowledge and understanding.

95:You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

Maybe that would make us talk. I think I would have a panic attack, though. I think that would be a conversation I wouldn't want to have. I would want her to tell me there's nothing wrong with me and that we weren't right for each other, and that would would go a long way maybe.

96:Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

Nope.

97:Did you sleep alone this week?

For. 7. Years.

98:Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

I find fault with the premise; if everybody has somebody that makes them happy, and I don't have that, am I not everybody? I already know I'm not everybody. If we're starting from the assumption that the former is true, how could the latter be not true if we assume the former? If we can't assume the former, then the question should read, “Do you have somebody that makes you happy?” which was alluded to in an earlier question. And no, I don't. I'm aware that mostly I'm in control of my own emotions, or that I'm in control of my interpretation of information and evidence which has an effect on my emotional state.

99:Do you believe in love at first sight?

No, for the reasons put forward in question 94. To believe in the above I would need to equate attraction with love and I don't. I do believe in attraction, and that attraction is (initially) strongly dependent on sight for some people, and also that physical attraction is not an indicator of future relationship or of compatibility (though it might be a precursor to a sexual liaison, and there's nothing wrong with that. And yeah, I am speaking only about other people. I don't do that, don't think I would want to do that with a rando).

100:Who was the last person that you pinky promise?

I wrote a short script where two characters have a special promise called a “chigsy swear” where they both brush their chins with wiggling fingers and say “not by the hair on my chigsy chig chigs.” This is the closes approximation to the question I can recall.