#just in case anyone was wondering if i'm projecting on fictional characters today. the answer is yes.

[drarrily-we-row-along]

October 6: Corn Maze

Just a note that Harry's ace in this one (I'm working through a lot with my sexuality atm). There are lots of different ways of being ace, lots of different experiences, and I'm not trying to imply this is everyone's experience (but it is mine, so) just wanted to offer a sensitivity warning.

Harry wasn't overly fond of mazes. Not since fourth year, in particular, but also not since everything in his life seemed to be misdirection.

Lately, he'd been feeling like there'd been one too many turns, one too many dead ends, one too many miss-steps; at some point, it felt like he ought to have been due a break.

Still, he found himself with his friends and his godchildren at a literal corn maze; a race to get to the center. And Harry couldn't really have cared less about winning.

He turned down another way, heard a child a few rows over shriek with delight as they ran past, corn rustling, and wished in the very depth of his bones that he could feel simple joy like that, wondered if he ever would. Realizing it was another dead end, he sighed and started to turn back.

"I was hoping I'd find you," spoken softly, just behind him.

"Circe, Draco," he breathed, "you startled me."

Draco was standing there, wearing an over-sized maroon jumper that covered his fingers, blonde hair slipping out of its braid leaving strands framing his face. And Harry ached with how he loved him, ached with the ways he didn't (couldn't).

"Why were you hoping to find me?"

He tucked a strand of fine blond hair behind his ear as he stepped into his space, "So I could do this," he whispered, leaning in and kissing him sweetly.

And, oh, Harry loved kissing. He loved his friends, loved Draco in particular. He loved being able to touch him, loved holding his hand and carding his fingers through his hair. Kissing him at the pub a few nights ago, he hadn't meant to, it had- "Draco, wait-"

"Oh," he said, taking a step back, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to overstep, after Monday, I thought-"

"Wait," he said, reaching out to take the other man's hand, holding it, "listen. I-" he broke off, shook his head, exhaled. How had his life become this? "I don't want to mislead you."

"Right," he said taking a step back, shaking his head. "You're not interested. You were drinking, we were drinking. It's fine, let's forget about it."

"I'm ace," he blurted, not knowing how else to say it, not knowing how to tell Draco it wasn't about him, it was entirely about Harry. "And I love you, Draco. You are one of my best friends. If you asked me tomorrow if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I'd say yes. I love you with my whole heart."

Draco sat down on the ground, staring up at Harry. "I'm-" he shook his head, "I am so confused."

Harry collapsed next to him, wrapped his arms around his knees. "I'm asexual-" he started again.

"No, I heard that," he said, "and I heard you tell me that you love me, that you'd spend the rest of your life with me-"

"I would, Draco," he said earnestly.

"But you don't want to kiss me?" he asked, brow furrowing.

He shook his head, "It's not that I don't want to kiss you." He scrubbed his nails through the short hair at the base of his neck before ruffling the curls at the top of his head. "It's that I love you so much but I'll never be in love with you. Not the way you-" he broke off, choking on the words, "not the way you deserve. I would kiss you, I'd cuddle with you; hell, I'd have sex with you and I would probably like it. But I'd like it because I love you, not because I care about the sex," he rambled, seemingly unable to stop himself now that he started, a freight train rolling down a hill unable to brake, "but I'm not opposed, I just won't think about it. And I won't-"

"Harry," he said, reaching out and putting his hands on both of Harry's shoulders, "hey. Woah. Slow down, take a breath," he said softly. "Can I hold your hands?" he asked, moving a bit to sit in front of him.

Harry nodded, feeling teary, reaching out and taking the other man's hands in his.

"I hope you know that I would never ask you to do something you're uncomfortable with," he started. "You're so important to me, I'd never ask you to have sex if it wasn't something you wanted-"

"It's not about the sex." He shook his head, "I like orgasms, I'm not sex-repulsed; it's probably why it took me so long to realize that I'm ace in the first place."

Draco squeezed his hands, "Thank you for telling me, for trusting me. But Harry, I can't understand what you meant by misleading me?"

"I don't," he shook his head, "I don't experience attraction the way that most people do, the way that you do. Sex isn't going to be the thing I think about. The way I love you," he shook his head, "I love you so much Draco but it's not the same as how you love me-"

"Does it have to be?" Draco asked. "Harry, you're everything to me," he breathed. "I love you too, I love you so much. And I'm in love with you. Does it have to be the same?"

Harry shook his head, "I don't know," he whispered. "I haven't the foggiest idea," he confessed. "It's never been enough in the past."

"What do you mean?"

"Before I understood my sexuality," he said. "I loved people before and I thought they loved me," he swallowed, "but I haven't been enough, haven't been right-"

"You're enough for me," Draco said, cupping Harry's cheek. "You're right for me. There's nothing wrong with you," he said gently. "I'm sorry that other people have made you feel like there is."

"Oh," he said faintly, equally wanting to brush him off and wanting Draco to give him more gentle reassurances.

"You don't have to believe me right away," Draco said. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm really rather gone on you," he chuckled self consciously.

He leaned forward, pressing his forehead into Draco's neck, "What if you change your mind?"

"I hear your concern," Draco said, hands soothing over Harry's back, "but what if I don't?"

Harry laughed softly, terrified of even letting himself imagine that as a possibility.

"What if you just let me love you? What if we just," he shrugged, jostling Harry's head, "let ourselves be happy?" he said like a question.

"I'm afraid," Harry confessed.

Draco nodded, wrapping him tighter in his arms, "me too. Terrified that you'll realize that I'm not worthy of your love. So afraid you'll wake up and realize that you don't actually love me."

"Draco," he said softly, pulling back to look at him, "that's not going to happen."

"I'm willing to try to trust you about that, if you're willing to try to trust me," he said with a shrug. "I really want this," he said, gesturing between the two of them, "I promise to be good to you," he added, voice soft and pleading.

"Draco," he whispered again, wanting, wanting, wanting. "Yes."

"Yeah?" he asked, grinning brightly at him.

He nodded, "yeah. Yes, if you're sure."

"Harry, there is nothing not to be sure about. I love you. You love me. We'll figure the rest out."

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written for the @flufftober prompt "Corn Maze"

[septembersghost]

resident queer gal from past messages here, got called a "hetlor" (*nervously* what the fuck) and a homophobe today for saying literally anyone and everyone is allowed to use lavender in any symbolic way they want. there's not a straight hair on my head, bitches! NOBODY OWNS COLORS! I feel like it's insane to gatekeep who can or cannot reference a color! colors have so many meanings and symbols throughout history, as do flowers? no one can "own" that, especially in art, or is Taylor a Communist for using red? lmfao touching grass is not enough for people, it's beyond earth, they need to spend time on the ISS.

sincerely wish i didn't understand any words in this message, but you continue to be the funniest and most iconic message sender. 👑💜

anyway, i saw someone tell someone else that it would, in fact, be oppressive to the community or send a weird signal if she (the commenter) chose to carry lavender roses/have lavender bridesmaids dresses at her wedding (this woman led with, lavender is my favorite color, are you saying it would be homophobic to use it at my wedding to a man...and the answer she got was yes?! no one offline would ever think this, i do not believe most of the queer community would ever say this), and i'm just. i can't believe that we've come to fighting over inane stuff like this or reading nefarious meaning into harmless things. these are the loud outliers though - every queer person i saw responding was disagreeing with those outlandish takes.

lavender (the flower) has symbolized love and devotion for centuries (it's literally in song of songs in the bible). the color has so many meanings. one doesn't erase another, they're all distinct and special within their own context. in the case of this song, taylor told us exactly what it means already. and she isn't merely using lavender, she's using the entire phrase, "lavender haze," as a poetic description of romance and commitment in her life. there should be no debate about this and i'm gobsmacked that it's turned into one. it makes me quite sad actually. it's the opening track of the album and there are already comments slamming it/saying it will be awful? i expect it to be beautiful and i'm so excited to hear it.

thinking about my anon who responded to me about the wonderstruck/enchanted connection with that color scheme, and what's captivating me is the fact that enchanted is one fleeting, magical moment in time, but a temporary one, just this briefly shimmering thing, and the description she gave for lavender haze is the true version of that - finding something that's lasting and doing your best to stay in the beauty of it.

moreover - and this may be the most important point - i feel this arguing is missing, if not erasing, the value of art, particularly music, and how we make it a part of our own selves. taylor's songs are her experiences, her self expression, her life, so of course her intent should be considered and respected, but that's not where our connection to music ends. we can say, taylor wrote this song about her six year relationship, and this is how she explained it to us, while ALSO saying, and it makes me think of [a personal romantic relationship, a friend, a favorite fictional character, there are endless possibilities!], and both things are true!!! our interpretations can coexist with her original meaning. people dictating/projecting what they want onto her and getting mad at her when they're wrong is not at all the same as saying, "this makes me feel ___, this reminds me of ___ in my life." we personalize the music uniquely and that's wonderful! that's a transformative thing that we can enjoy and hold close ourselves while still seeing the merit of her intent and what she shared with us.

tl;dr i'm sorry that happened to you, it's frustrating to have people who don't even know you or your identity cutting it down, but you have the right to speak your mind when you want to!

eta: btw anon, "touching grass is not enough, spend some time on the international space station" is my new go-to for any and all internet drama