#just how much of a weirdo will rook turn out to be. we can only wait to find out

[vaguely-concerned]

I haven't decided what faction I want my character to be from in veilguard yet, I Need More Information before I can definitively make a call. but I must admit the siren song of rocking fifth house style disturbingly no-nonsense chill in the face of horror swag with the mourn watch is very loud and potent. speakers to the dead (and the dead are savage) vibes are so strong and so tempting

[dream-phantasm]

Leona Kingscholar x Reader: Love Letters (5)

Oops, this was supposed to be done earlier but school got in the way as usual lol

We’ll be meeting Rook soon as well as Trey again! 

Hope you enjoy!

No spoilers or warnings for now but this might change in future installments :)

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4 | PART 5 [!] | PART 6 | END

"You scared me. I almost thought you were Rook…" Ruggie shudders, jumping a little. "Uh, who's Rook?" You question him. 

"You haven't felt him yet? I think he's been watching you for most of the day. It's better for me if he targets somebody else anyway, shishi!" He gets up, dusting off his pants. "Oh, the weirdo in the…yeah, right! The letters! It was you, right?!" You accuse him.

He raises an eyebrow before a look of shock crosses his face. Ruggie bursts into another round of giggles. You glare at him, embarrassed. "It's not funny, dude! Just tell me." You huff.

"Hahaha! Ah-" You swear to the great sevens, Ruggie was clutching his stomach, wiping tears from his eyes. His reaction almost made you crack up as well. "You- You're so- Ahaha! I can't believe you…you think it's me!?" Ruggie sneers, his tail wagging slightly, "Just wait till he hears this!"

"He?!" You look at him incredulously. "So, you know who it is! Tell me!" You shake him roughly by the shoulders. 

He pushes out of your grip rather easily, much to your disappointment. "Nope, can't do that. Unless you have more than he's paying, my lips are zipped." Ruggie grins. You glare at him, it totally seems like he's teasing you. Almost everybody at this school had heard that you lived in a ramshackle dorm, therefore it was only natural to assume you have zero cents to your name as well. 

"Uh, what if I hurt you?" You wince upon hearing that come out of your mouth. You know how ridiculous you sound. 

"Shishishi, what are you going to do? You're in a bad spot, y'know." He taunts you. "Hm. If I give you a hint, will you call off your red blue duo and your cat? We can call everything forgiven, right?" This Valentines day has been torturous. It's really not that much to ask in return for information. You're sure he probably has an ulterior motive.

"Um, I can try. They don't really listen to me, and Grim's not a cat!" You scowl, wary. "If you're so sure about that. You better try real hard! Shishishi, if I tell you, maybe he'll start treating me better." He giggles the last part to himself. 

"Right! You've met him before. Pay attention to his face, he's exceptionally handsome and has green eyes." Ruggie tells you, you nod frantically along. 

You only knew about two people with green eyes at NRC that you had talked to. That would be Cater and some random first year who had matching green hair. You really doubted it was Cater and you hadn't talked to that other guy enough to warrant gifts and love letters. 

He also seemed to dislike you, for whatever reason. 

"I gotta go before that Rook finds me. Cya, shishishi!" He picks a handful of dandelions and runs off before you can even get a word in. "T-Thank you?!" You shout after him. "You and him owe me one now!" Ruggie cheerfully waves with his free hand. Then, he's just gone. 

In the distance, you see a red and blue blur approaching. 

"[Name]...stop…running off everywhere!" Ace yells as he sharply inhales, "I don't understand this crazy track-head." 

"Track-head, really? Track is a great sport to build endurance!" Deuce is a little out of breath but otherwise seems to be in better shape than Ace. "[Name]! You were so fast! Are you sure you don't want to join Track?" He turns to you excitedly. 

"Henchman! My legs are all wobbly, I'm so tired dazo!" Grim promptly falls on your feet. You pick him up with a sigh, "I can't, I'm already in the taking-care-of-Grim club."

"Are you sure that isn't a full-time job?" Ace snorts. "Nope, that's why I'm handing him off to you guys after school. Grim-sitting is on you guys in the afternoon." You smile. 

"Why can't I come with, henchman dazo?" Grim whines. "Because I'll be studying and doing boring things. It'll be more fun with ADeuce." You gently convince him. "ADeuce? You better not make that a thing." Ace huffs. "Ever since Cater called us that…I don't want to be associated with him." Deuce shudders. 

"You think I want to be associated with you? Please, you're not very good at making jokes."

"These two…" You and Grim share a look. "Class is probably starting soon, we should get going." You hope to distract them from chasing down that beastman.

 "Yeah, we'll avenge that lost deluxe menchi katsu sandwich dazo!" Grim exclaims. "Maybe you should focus on class more." A lying hypocrite you were. It was a miracle the two of you got the marks you did. Under your collaborative effort as a singular student, you both pass with decent grades. 

"Considering you two barely keep up, it's crazy you two haven't failed yet." Ace snickers. "Don't worry! If we work hard enough, we'll become honor students!" Deuce smiles, a look of determination on his face. You can't deny him. 

"I'll become the greatest magician dazo!" 

"Oh yeah, by the way, I got a hint bout my uh…admirer." You tell them as you all walk back. "Was it that — what did Cater call him again? — guy then?" Deuce curiously asks. "No, I don't think so. Ruggie told me he's attractive with green eyes and that we've met before." You explain.

"Wow, that narrows it down by a lot."

"Shut it, Ace. It's not my fault almost all of the students here are attractive."

"Green eyes…You don't think it's Cater, is it?!" Deuce gasps. "No way! Since that Ruggie guy seemed familiar with him, I assumed the…admirer…would be a Savanaclaw member." You suggest. "What, so you wanna go around Savanaclaw, looking into people's eyes?" Ace questions, clearly doubtful. 

You hadn't planned this far. "Uh…maybe?" You shrug. "And if it's some random Savanaclaw member, what'll you do about it, huh?" You hate to admit that Ace is making valid points.

"There's someone else who we could ask about this." You snap, a light bulb going off in your head, "Do you guys know a guy named Rook?"

Deuce's eyes widen in realization.

"Ah, I think I heard Trey talk about someone named that before!"

Your next lead would be the mystery stalker, Rook.

Ao3: HERE

If you see it posted anywhere or by anyone else, it's not me.

[floral-poisons]

MY LIEGE HELP I RECENTLY WATCHED TANAKA KUN IS SO LISTLESS AND I CANT STOP BRAINROTTING ABT IT

its slice of life/comedy and lowkey kinda queercoded like i sense a smidge of pqr around here yk

anyway since req are open ! hope you dont kind if i request malleus, jade, rook and whoever else you want with an gn s/o thats really tired all the time ??

like s/o is so tired all the time they end up have to carry them to class all the time. (maybe a scenario where theres like a fire drill and the character lost their s/o in the building. they got lost bc theyre always carried all the time so they dont know where the emergency routes are AJSJDJD)

or maybe one time it rained and they were almost at their dorm and it was raining a lil, whatever no biggie, but then it started pouring and they were like "just a lil more. i can make it" and got sick the next dayAHEUDJF

headcanon or scenario up to you !!! i just want to embrace my new kin Tanaka he is such a weirdo and i love him so muchAUAJHWJDG

KFDSMKGDM!! I AM A LIEGE NOW?! faints

i've never heard of this but i will put it on my neverending list of anime to watch!! i'm happy to provide this for you anon.

i also included riddle because why not?

MALLEUS DRACONIA

someone set the alchemy room on fire. again. this had to be like the fifth time this week (albeit it didn’t happen during the science club this time around). everyone evacuated the building and was waiting for the whole thing to be under control, which wouldn’t take long.

malleus had no trouble getting out. he was feeding his digital pet while waiting for the whole situation to blow over-

“malleus-sama, where’s (y/n)?” sebek asks. “usually they’re with you.”

malleus almost dropped his digital pet. “(Y/N)!!!” he exclaims, running back inside the building. it was rare to see malleus panic. he had accidentally left you in the building!

eventually he found you. you were wandering around, and it wasn’t far from the exit he entered through. he could only sigh in relief as he took your hand while you yawned. “you always come to my rescue~” you smile.

RIDDLE ROSEHEARTS

getting through assignments was tough when you were tired. all the time. but your boyfriend was riddle rosehearts so he was going to get you to finish your work one way or another.

“alright (y/n). there’s one more problem...” he wanted to cry seeing how many parts there were. that was literally half the alphabet! how did professor crewel expect them to do it? “we got this!”

“yeah! we got this!” you smiled.

it only took about five hours. you fell asleep. riddle decided to say “fuck it” and did the whole problem before adding the answers to a sheet. he’d let you use it when you woke up. although he was too tired to go back to his dorm and fell asleep on your carpet.

“hmm? are we done?” you yawned as you woke up. you looked back at riddle before picking him up and putting him in a guest room. he worked hard. he deserved to rest.

ROOK HUNT

“rook! rook!” you whined as you followed him in the hallway. you two were heading to class.

“yes trickster? what can i do for you?” he smiles.

“do you think we can dance today? i want to continue my lessons!” you pouted. you had asked rook to help you multiple times. though it seemed that most of the time ended with you falling asleep.

“ah okay. we’ll meet at the pomefiore ballroom for practice later. okay?” he smiled upon seeing your excited nod.

turns out today would be like those most times where you fell asleep on rook’s chest while you two were dancing. he kept you up. but he enjoyed the quiet atmosphere and being close to you. it was peaceful compared to the hectic environment of nrc.

JADE LEECH

“can’t i at least get out of bed!” you whine. you were trying to sit up but fell back down, feeling the intense fatigue take over your body again. you could feel how much your body wanted to sleep.

“no. look you can barely stand up.” he huffs. “you got sick from yesterday’s shower. and you must deal with the consequences.” jade helps you sit up and uses multiple pillows to prop you up.

“i was so close.” you pout.

“well it’s not so bad.” jade puts the tray of food on your lap. “i mean, i get to spend the day with you. and hopefully not get sick. i probably won’t. my immune system is impeccable, as azul would say.”

“well that means you’re the best boyfriend.” you yawned.

[hangovercurse]

Nothing

Part i of the Without You series: When Colson and Megan break up, the boys count on Y/N to piece Colson back together, which only leads to disaster.

Colson x Reader

Warnings: Colson being kind of a dick, cursing, a little bit of aggression/ violence. This one’s definitely angsty.

A/N: This was supposed to be just a one part fic. Then that turned into 2 parts. And then 3. And then all of a sudden I had written 5 parts and over 10,000 words. Enjoy 😊 (also this is v unedited so if you see a mistake... mind ya business)

Word Count: 2084

| ii | iii | iv | v | vi |

masterlist

When you got the text from Rook, you knew it was probably gonna be bad. 

Megan just left him, for good. Not gonna be pretty the next few days so maybe don’t come by anytime soon. 

Your heart broke for your best friend. Colson had been really in love with Megan. And as much as you hated seeing them together for your own personal reasons, you could tell he was really happy. 

Ok. Let me know if you guys need me. If it gets bad I can take Casie for a few days. Take care of him for me pls. 

You and Colson had been friends for years now. You knew almost everything about each other, you told him everything. He let you crash at his place after your ex kicked you out, and you had spent many hours curled up with him, watching stupid movies to distract him from his most recent breakup or mental breakdown. 

But this was different. Colson told you he wanted to marry her at some point, and you knew he wasn’t lying. And you couldn’t blame him. As much as you hated no longer being the only women (other than Casie) in his life, you couldn’t dislike Megan. She was just one of those people who everyone loved. 

The thought of texting Colson crossed your mind, but you weren’t sure if it would hurt or help. From the sound of it, he was a wreck.

So, naturally, you texted Pete. 

Have you talked to Cols yet?

With Colson came Pete, or came you, you weren’t really sure. Somewhere along the way you and Pete had become close friends. He was like the older brother you’d never asked for, and he would probably say something similar about you. 

You couldn’t really explain it, Pete could read you like a book. And because of that, he knew everything. He was the only one to catch on to the way you sometimes looked at Colson for too long, or got irritated when he’d bring a new girl around. 

I’m heading over there right now. You should talk to him.

You rolled your eyes.

Not sure that’s the best idea. You guys are better at handling... all that. Once he gets a little less angry then I’ll take him. 

Pete texted you back a few minutes later.

Thanks for the support, kid. I’ll keep you updated. Just pulled in.

Good luck, Petey.

You tossed your phone on your bed, a sigh leaving your lips. You decided worrying was a problem for another day.

No more than 12 hours later you were getting a phone call from Rook. 

“Dude it’s like 4 in the morning, why are you calling me.” 

“Y/N, we’ve tried everything. He’s locked up in his room and every time one of us tries to talk to him he blows up. Literally he almost punched Slim a few hours ago.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose, groaning at the predicament. “So now you want me to come over?” You asked, “What do you think I’m gonna be able to do?”

“Well he’s not gonna try and hit you for one. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but he’s significantly nicer to you than to anyone else.”

“What do I even say to him? “Sorry that the love of your life broke up with you but at least we can smoke pot and watch Spongebob?” I mean come on, man. I’m not good at this.”

“Please.” He pleaded, “We’re all out of options and I can’t stand to see him get any worse than he is.”

You moved off your bed and towards your dresser. “Fine, I’ll be there in 15.” 

You threw on the first pair of sweatpants you could find and slipped on shoes, grabbing your key and heading out the door.

True to your word, you pulled up to the house 15 minutes later, parking on the side of the street and heading straight into the house. When the guys saw you, they visibly brightened up. 

“You guys are such fucking wimps.” You rolled your eyes as you made your way towards the stairs. 

Baze chuckled, “We love you Y/N.”

You rolled your eyes and continued on your way, stopping by Casie’s room to see if she was asleep. To your surprise, she wasn’t. 

“Hey sweet girl,” you whispered as you entered her room, “why are you still up?”

She smiled a little when she saw you. “Couldn’t sleep. I’m really worried about Dad.” 

You leaned on her doorframe, sending her a sad smile. “I am too. But he’ll be okay. Your dad’s pretty tough.”

“I know,” she sighed, “but he really liked Megan.”

“Did you?” You ask, trying to gauge her emotions. 

“I mean, I guess so. She was nice to me. Most of his girlfriends aren’t that nice to me.” 

“That’s a pretty shitty way to measure if you like someone or not.” She giggles at that. “Don’t tell your dad I said that word in front of you.”

“Ok. She was nice. And she made him happy so, yeah, I guess I liked her. Not as much as I like you but...” Casie’s voice got higher as she dragged out the last word and you just rolled your eyes with a chuckle. 

Casie had this fantasy of you and Colson getting married one day, but you always told her it would never happen. 

“Ok kiddo, whatever you say.” You teased her, “try and get some sleep, okay?” 

She nodded with a smile. “Are you gonna go talk to Dad?”

“Yeah. I’ll talk to you later, okay? If you need to come over and talk or stay the night or anything just call me, okay?”

“Okay. Love you.” She said quietly. 

“Love you too, Case.”

You shut the door to her room, moving down the hallway to Colson’s door. You took a deep breath, trying to mentally prepare for what was about to happen, and knocked. 

“I told you guys to go the fuck away.” A muffled yet angry voice said from the opposite side of the door.

“It’s me, Cols. Y/N.” You said, hoping he could hear you. 

When you got no response you asked, “Can I come in?” 

A few more seconds of silence followed, and then the lock clicked and the door opened. You stood face-to-face with your best friend. His hair was a mess, falling in his face. The bags under his eyes were darker than ever, and the frown he wore made him look even more pathetic. You felt your heart breaking. 

As you met his eyes, you gave him a sad smile. “Hey Cols.” 

Instead of responding, he wrapped his arms around you, leaning down and resting his head on your shoulder. You reached up and ran your fingers through his hair. 

He started walking backwards, pulling you with him as he continued to hug you. One of his hands pushed the door shut and he sat on his bed, finally letting go of you. 

You looked down at him, grabbing his hand and holding it in your own. It was something you had done before, you two were very touchy people and so half of your friendship was just you two cuddling or play fighting or holding hands.

“So we can do one of three things,” you started, “We can talk about it, we can cuddle and watch something stupid and pretend nothing’s wrong, or we can get high and do something stupid.”

For the first time in what you would imagine to be all night, Colson smiled. it was a very small smile, but you took it. 

He looked up at you through his eyelashes. “And by stupid you mean...”

You rolled your eyes, “I mean we can go set off bottle rockets in the backyard or try to jump off your roof and into the pool.” 

“Oh damn. I was hoping you were gonna say you would suck my dick.” 

Your eyes widened at his bluntness and the implication. You shoved his shoulder, “Colson! That’s gross!” You giggled, but his expression was unwaveringly serious. 

“I’m being serious.” He deadpanned and you furrowed your eyebrows. 

“Colson what the fuck?” Your mind was spinning trying to figure out if he was joking. 

You got your answer when he stood up, grabbing your waist and leaning over you. “I thought you’d want to...” 

You took in a breath at the sudden proximity, trying to back away from him but his grip remaining firmly on your waist. “Colson, stop. Please. This isn’t funny.” 

You could smell the alcohol on his breath and you had to keep reminding yourself of that fact. He’s drunk, and sad, and doesn’t know what he’s saying. 

“I thought you’d want to, cause it’ll make me happy. And you’ll do anything to make me happy.” One of his hands reached up and grabbed your jaw, making sure you couldn’t look away.

“Colson you’re being a fucking weirdo, let me go.” You raised your voice. Your heart was racing at this point and the thoughts flowing around your head were not pretty. 

You were always anxious for the day he’d figure you out. When he’d finally realize how you felt for him. But this was worse than anything you’d thought of. 

“You’ll do anything to make me happy because you love me, right?” 

You felt tears stinging in your eyes, wanting nothing more but to look away from his sinister expression. The way he was looking at you made it very clear that he was enjoying your discomfort, your embarrassment. 

“Colso-” 

He walked forwards, pushing you gently against the wall. His arms went to either side of you, his face inches from yours. You tried to look away, but his hand on your jaw forced you to face him.

Any other time you would have loved for Colson to pin you against his wall, but this was wrong. 

“Just say it. Say you’re in love with me, and I’ll drop it.” 

“Colson, what the fuck are you on right now?” You tried to steer the topic away from you, but he wouldn’t have it. 

“Say it.” 

You reached up to try and push his chest away from you, but he was much taller and stronger than you, so you did nothing. 

“Just tell me!” He yelled at your silence. A tear slipped down your cheek as you trembled under him. His face was red and his eyes were watering. 

 “Why are you doing this?” You whispered. This all felt like a bad dream, like a nightmare you couldn’t wake up from. 

“Because I need to know if she was right.” His voice got a little quieter, but he still wouldn’t move away from you. “I need to know if the reason the love of my fucking life just left me is true.”

You were shaking, your breaths getting shorter. “What are you talking about.” Your words were choked. The grip on your jaw started to get a little too tight.

“I defended you!” He yelled, tears falling from his face. “She told me that you were in love with me and I defended you.”

“Colson you’re hurting me.” You whined, trying to wriggle your way out of his grasp. He ignored your statement and continued talking, but his grip loosened slightly.

“And then she told me that she thinks I’m in love with you.” His voice was getting darker. “And that’s why she left. So I want to make it very clear to you.” He paused, leaning closer to your ear. “I will never love you. Ever. Not now, not in a million lifetimes. You mean nothing to me.”

Your vision was blurry from your tears, so you blindly reached out to push him away from you. His body seemed to have given up, as he moved backwards out of your way, stumbling slightly. Through your tears you could make out a smug smile on the man before you ran out of the room, slamming the door behind you.

You ran down the stairs, the guys waiting for you to give them good news, but their hope turned to concern once they saw you. You walked straight past them towards the door, not trusting yourself to say anything without breaking completely.

As you reached for the door handle you heard a faint yell from upstairs, followed by loud banging, and then silence. You sniffled, turning the handle and leaving the house, much to the protest of your friends.

[not-twst-enough]

Oh how I just love horror movies ( ^ω^ ) and decided to why not make terrovania oc. I made this oddball who’s too attached to his puppet and won’t give a damn about others said it’s not alive

“Aaahh~ a splendid day of our dormitory is rather nice don’t you think, my bud Binky? Oya? I heard bunch of noise makers coming from there. Must we go silenced them~ I'd say we let them scream to their death!! Then we shall”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TECHNICAL INFORMATION

Name: Mervyn Venterlocqui

Japanese: Māvuin Benteruroki

Romanji: マーヴィン・ベンテルロキ

Other Names:

Vyn (in short)

Vynny (Binky)

Monsieur Puppeteer (Rook)

Crazy Doll Man (Students)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BIOGRAPHICAL INFORMATION

Gender: Male

Age: 18

Birthday: July 26

Starsign: Leo

Height: 181cm

Eye Color: Green

Hair Color: White

Homeland: Rose Kingdom (in Raven’s Fair near Guignol Wood Shop)

Family: Unnamed Uncle, Binky

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PROFESSIONAL STATUS

Dorm: Terrovania ( by @crestbaby )

School Year: Third

Class: 3-A Student no. 04

Occupation: Student

Club: Gargoyle Research Society

Best Subject: Practical Magic

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FUN FACTS

Dominant Hand: Ambidextrous

Favorite Food: Pumpkin Soup

Least Favorite Food: Raw Foods

Likes:

Puppets and His

Tea Parties

Batonic Garden

Watching Puppet Shows

Abandon Buildings

Dislikes:

Anyone disrespect him & Binky

Exaggerated Noise

Fire

Hobby: Crafting & Repairing

Talents: Strategize

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unique Magic: “SHHHHH......”

His way to activate his UM is when Vyn has to shush someone

His UM allows him to steal much voices as he can, enable to imitate one’s voice by giving them a good scare (or would by force) in order to manipulate users to listen the recognizable voice luring them to his tricks. Anyone who fell victims to his scare would turn into a voiceless dummies

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PERSONALITY:

Mervyn is rather strange and eccentric, quite hard to tell what he was thinking. He very much loves puppets as he casually talks and listens more to his wooden puppet BINKY treated as if it’s a living person. He usually carries it around wherever he goes especially went to classes. Many students have asked him why and says he once convince Headmaster Crowley to accept Binky as part of the student before entering Night Raven then was permitted to apply Binky attending same class as him. He never mentioned how he convince Crowley accepting the dummy but that doesn’t matter, he was relieved that he had to be with Binky all the time. That story made half of them laughed while others had to go along with him thought he was joking. Throughout the days, people finally began to feel weirded out how he talked his dummy more often than socializing normies, giving the impression from every dorm of him being a weirdo.

At glance, he had this easy-going personality that has a very pleasant aura around him that covers his weirdness to others. Aware of how people looks at him in odd, he was getting used to it and wouldn’t care less or bothered much of their skeptics. For him, he was only cherishing Binky and his other other puppets so dearly like his own family, that’s all.

He enjoys scaring people too! at times at least gets to hear their beautiful screams. His way to scare people is using strategies, forgot to mention Mervyn is good at it! he usually planned his way by silently observing people about their good/bad habits, phobia’s or weaknesses and schemes the right timing & places in order to scare & get their screams for fun times. Sometimes, he uses Binky giving off “creepy puppet doll” vibes at others in thought to be funny

Surely he likes screams but wasn’t fond of hearing exaggerated noises because of the sensitive hearing he has. Any loud noise would irritate him and surprisingly could change his behavior, out of character. The more annoying noise he heard, he will do what it takes to stop that sound including to someone trying to annoy him that far. Students must watch out his stare from the distance which means that he’s probably in a bad mood. Mervyn preferred quite, rather SILENT stay somewhere that has less exaggerated noise either like Botanic Garden or Library. Mervyn occasionally barged himself to Heartslabyul’s unbirthday party uninvited trying to get away from the noise.

He’s really quite safe to talk to him especially to his dummy and wouldn’t mind having conversation with normies. Whenever he sees someone down, he’d love to do comedy gags with Binky to lighten everyone’s mood. Actually he seems like a person who wouldn’t do anything to hurt someone without a reason well......only those who made noises and most importantly if anything bad happens to Binky by someone else. To Mervyn, Binky is very important family/friend to him. When goes wrong, he’d be willing to show his scary and merciless side for those who angered him, he usually threatens people to slit their tongues out (won’t done it literally, of course). As long as anyone wouldn’t dare destroying his perfect doll, he’ll went back to his usual eccentric self.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BACKSTORY

His background is a sad story to tell for Mervyn. He wouldn’t want to brought up remembering his old past but eventually will when he’s ready to opened up

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TRIVIA

Vyn is a twisted version of Mary Shaw from Dead Silence (2007)

Binky is Mervyn’s only trusted friend, family, and favorite puppet

His room is like a factory of puppet dolls, that’s the only reason Mervyn rarely comes out from his room. He was been invested to make more perfect dolls and also knows how to fix them

Vyn has a secret room where he displayed his 100 perfect puppets

Can wear different kinds of mask that reassembles his other puppets faces

His favorite show was The Muppets & Sesame Street and he shamelessly watches it /jjj

Sometimes Mervyn likes to hum children’s nursery rhymes to keep him occupied

He doesn’t want to involve activities that has fire (like cooking or lighten up the fire) because it could burn Binky or his other puppet dolls.

His left eye is actually made out of glass eye due to an accident

Binky appears every dorm out of nowhere in unexpected timing which everyone were freaked out and complains Mervyn for scaring them. Even though he claimed “he was only looking for Binky” or “playing hide n seek”

It’s possible Vyn could control his puppets with his magic but Binky on the other hand, wasn’t using on him by purpose. Do know it was Binky that moved on his own. Still, people were skeptical about it

Often takes the blame for Binky’s little mischief

He also have the ability to disintegrate every sounds of the area, leaving the room muted before using his UM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oi! I’m not deaf! I can fully hear you from Vynny’s arm from up here, y’know!!! that’s a dummy thing to do”

TECHNICAL INFORMATION

Name: Binky

Japanese: ビンキー

Romanji: Binkī

Other Name:

Monsieur Binky (Rook)

Piece of wood (Anybody)

Owned by Mervyn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BIOGRAPHICAL INFORMATION

Gender: Male

Age: ???

Birthday: October 16

Starsign: Libra

Height: 69cm

Eye Color: Blue and Green

Hair Color: Black and Grey streaks

Homeland: Rose Kingdom (in Raven’s Fair near Guignol Wood Shop)

Species: Ventriloquist’s Dummy

Family:

Unnamed Uncle

Mervyn

100 Siblings

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PROFESSIONAL STATUS

Dorm: Terrovania

School Year: Third

Class: 3-A Student no. 4.5

Occupation: Vyn’s dummy and a student???

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FUN FACTS

Likes:

Mervyn

Playing Hide n Seek

Cupcakes

People’s horrified faces

Dislikes:

Dust (made him sneeze a lot)

Confined Spaces

Treated like a dummy

Seeing Mervyn emotionally hurt

Termites

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Info:

Binky is Mervyn's ventriloquist dummy that he always carries him around and somewhat a 3rd year student. According to Vyn, Binky is gentle & friendly of speaking in good manners. He described himself a whimsical boy that likes to play every children’s games. Even though he is a third year, he obviously shows his behavior is like a child. Trying to look mature & cool on the outside but his unchangable feeling of a kid is still in the inside

He’ll change to his usual self whenever he wants to loosen up. Binky’s usual self is straightforward and doesn’t hesitate to speak his mind out by commenting his honesty about everyone’s actions (especially to Vyn) which sometimes leads to without thinking. Just like Mervyn, Binky also truly cares Vyn very deeply and been protective of him ever since. He witnessed Vyn got worstly hurt in the past that he promised he’ll look after his well-being, never let anything that hurts Vyn physically and emotionally. Vyn is the only person Binky could trust than anyone else and always been like a best friend and brother to him for a very long time.

Both Binky and Mervyn were inseparable duo no matter what that tried to separate them apart. Even at times they were, Binky is like the eyes & ears open for Vyn. He can use his magic to read Binky’s point of view of where he was been placed so that Vyn could track where to find him, in desperate needs. Although Binky can be too clingy and possessive at times if he witnesses someone who’s been together longer with Mervyn than him, he tends to get jealous easily and do a little mischief on them. Nothing too serious but just wanted to make sure that he belongs to Vyn, never wanted to be lefted out by him. Everything was all Binky and people often blaming on Vyn.

Speaking of left out, his whole life believing he’s a real boy which that made him very happy but had been often misunderstood by Vyn voicing him, which is not true! Binky wouldn’t like someone who disrespect him as he is nothing but a doll. If people spoke to him like a normal person, he’d allow anyone to befriended him but promised that they had to treat him equally but if not, it’s nice knowing them

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

I’m rewording some parts A bit angst request How about a situation in which MC breaks up with Dorm heads (Malleus, Leona, Vil and Azul)? Saying that “I cannot handle you anymore. All these rules, laziness, weirdoness etc” How would they react? It would be a lot worse in dorm heads wanted to go phase 2 or 3 with MC Gender: she/her (preferred but they/them is also okay) Thank you for the feedback and have a nice day

***Warning: spoilers for SR Malleus Lab Coat personal stories.***

Curiouser and Curiouser...

“I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore...I think we need to break up.”

Vil Schoenheit...

...thinks he must have misheard you.

You repeat it--that he is too demanding of you, too obsessed with maintaining a perfect image in the public eye. It tires you, always having to meet his high expectations and having to pretend to be happy so he can keep up his facade.

Vil gives a cold, high-pitched laugh.

“So that’s it? You’re dumping me, little potato?” His words drip with venom. “Fine. I won’t waste any more of my precious time entertaining you. Go on then--out of my sight!”

He is very bitter about the breakup after the fact--always turning his head away when you’re in the room or wrinkling his nose when you make eye contact.

Vil has enough class to avoid “getting back” at you by spreading nasty rumors--though he will vent to Rook about his love troubles.

The type to be petty to you in person, but will also cry into a tub of ice-cream in private while drowning in self pity. Will passive aggressively talk about you to his 5 million MagiCam followers, but remains vague/”courteous” enough to never bring up your name.

Vil is broken, like a shattered mirror missing various fragments.

Leona Kingscholar...

...becomes angry--no, livid.

He immediately jumps to conclusions. Leona is a lion wounded--but instead of tucking his tail between his legs and whimpering, he lashes out,

“Have you found someone else? Is that it?! Who it is? Don’t tell me it’s Jack. That damn dog has always been trailing after you like a lovesick pup. No, wait--Ruggie? If it is, I’m going to kick his ass. Oi! Look at your king when he is talking to you, herbivore! Who is it?!”

You correct Leona by saying that he has no one to blame but himself. He is stubborn, lazy, and arrogant--you are fed up with such childish behavior! He’s like, what? 20? He should be more mature!

You get into a huge argument that results in you storming out.

Leona goes on a rampage in the night.

The other Savanaclaw students are too terrified to check up on him. When Ruggie comes to wake up Leona the next morning, he finds the room in chaos. Fabric shredded, pots smashed.

Having lost your heart, Leona is king of nothing now.

Azul Ashengrotto...

...becomes very, very emotional.

He swaps between cold rage and being a blubbering, teary-eyed mess.

He has done everything he can to make you happy, hasn’t he? He has given you so much, shown you his vulnerable side...so why? Why are you leaving him?

You point out that Azul’s shady business dealings are becoming too much. It’s morally wrong to cheat others like that! Not to mention that he is also so greedy, so possessive...he constantly has the twins checking up on you!

“...Fine. I see your point. If you do not see yourself being happy at my side, then leave. They all leave eventually--why shouldn’t you do the same?!”

Definitely cries to the twins after the breakup. Azul fears they, too, will abandon him. They reassure him that they won’t, but Azul is uncertain.

Throws himself into his work just to keep himself from thinking about you and spiraling into another fit of inky tears. Literally cries himself to sleep once his work has exhausted him.

Azul is such a poor, unfortunate soul...wallowing in his own self-pity.

Malleus Draconia...

...is absolutely crushed, heartbroken.

You tell him that he is too mopey, too clingy. For a great fae, why is he so dependent on you for emotional support? You’re sick of always having to listen to his problems.

“...Very well. If that is what you wish, then so be it. You are free, Child of Man. Go forth, and do as you please.”

He accepts defeat gracefully and willingly, only breaking down after you have walked away.

Malleus sulks in his room for a long time, barely eating anything and refusing to leave. He can’t even cheer up from Gao-Gao Dragon-kun--it is just another painful reminder of the times you spent together.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts so much--this crushing despair, the loneliness, the rejection...he thinks he had found true love, but this is no happy ending.

Lilia and Silver need to restrain Sebek from charging up to you and ranting about how the breakup has negatively impacted the Young Master, and how ashamed you should be, and blah, blah, blah--

Malleus walked with you once upon a dream, and now he walks alone in an empty dreamscape.

[twstlotus]

Hi there! 👋 Nice to see our fandom growing, more writers joining and trying their pens out with twst boy~ I'm here to wish you a nice day and leave a request, if I may. How would Epel, Malleus, Trey and Rook react to their s/o being well versed in a sword fighting? Seeing her(or them, I don't mind) in an act, maybe even protecting the boys? The s/o haven't disclosed it to them before and took a stance only because she had no other choice. Thank you very much💓

Before we begin, I apologize if I had written Epel a bit ‘off’, for lack of a better word. I have not played through Pomefiore’s chapter thoroughly let alone get to the important bits of said chapter (I’m only on 5-9..)

If I did mischaracterize Epel, please inform me! I will try to perfect how I write him as soon as possible.

Now, onto the headcanons.

Epel Felmier

Epel is astounded to see you swordfight. Perhaps his amazement is a bit inappropriate considering the context being that you were fighting off a few Savanaclaw boys for teasing and mocking Epel about the rumors that he wanted to join the Savanaclaw dormitory—but they did it right in front of your face. Saying how “a pretty boy soft as he is could never join Savanaclaw!” and continued.

You didn’t find violence necessary in the situation, but you weren’t opposed against it either. So when the Savanaclaw members began taunting both you and Epel, you quickly drew your sword and began fighting them, all while Epel walked in at the perfect moment and hid behind a wall and watched you.

The beastmen tucked their tails between their legs and ran off soon after you had your sword pointed to them on the ground. Once they were gone, Epel quietly walked out of his hiding spot and asked if you were okay, to which you hesitantly replied with a “yes”.

Quickly after, Epel began to somewhat gush about your sword fighting abilities and how great you were. Yet, he’s also curious about why you never told him about your skill in such. You explain to him that you never thought of a reason to why you should inform anyone of it, but you were also a bit afraid that he might find your talent in it ‘weird’.

He shoots your suspicions as completely incorrect. You were amazing out there! Epel has never seen sword fighting up-close and done so well! It makes him stagger through his words. He also states that you don’t need to hide anything from him and that he’ll accept you whole as a person and as a lover. The reason why he even fell in love with you was because of how free-willed you are, you know?

“Well, I think your sword fighting is great, (Y/N). I don’t think it matters what other people see you as, especially the negative ones—you’re great and that’s all there is to it!”

Malleus Draconia

Malleus first saw you sword fighting a handful of the Savanaclaw boys, or, well—it looked more like you were deflecting and inflicting minor wounds on the beastmen until they eventually ran off out of cowardice.

The fae was completely stunned. He had never known you were so skilled in sword fighting, and you fight with such gracefulness and elegance, too! The only other time he had seen sword fighting up close was when he and Lilia trained Silver as Malleus’ knight. Even so, his fighting style was merely that of a normal knight’s—but you, you looked like you were dancing with the sword.

When he snaps out of his amazement, he quickly comes out of the shadows to your aid and checks if you have any wounds. Humans are very fragile, after all. You reassure him that you’re fine and he eventually brings up your talent in swordsmanship, to which you bashfully deny ever being skilled in such a thing.

Malleus can obviously see through your lies, and after a while, you admit that you do. You kept it a secret because you were afraid that he might see you as improper or ‘strange’ and the only reason you even fought those Savanaclaw boys were because they were ridiculing your beloved fae.

He’s visibly surprised by the notion. Fighting...for him? Of course, he has literal knights who fight for him, but he always considered it as the two merely doing their jobs. You, on the other hand; you didn’t need to do such a thing for him, yet still, you did it anyway. He’s touched, to say the least. Afterwards, he comforts you regarding your talent and says to not be shameful of it, for it is a talent one could only look up to and that he’s always welcome to talk about anything.

“You’re not required to put yourself in dangerous situations, Child of Man. Trust that I can fight my own battles, so please, do not burden yourself with mine. Though I must say...you did well.”

Trey Clover

‘Surprised’ would be a bit of an understatement to describe what Trey felt when he saw you sword fighting with a fellow Heartslabyul member. Just a little bit.

The way you made your sword swings seem effortless renders him speechless. Just when did you learn to swordfight? And how will Riddle react when he sees you, battling a Heartslabyul member, with a sword!? The consequences may be severe… (and even so, when did Heartslabyul C-kun learn to swordfight!?)

Trey quickly steps in and stops the duel between you and the other dorm member. Heartslabyul C-kun leaves with a scoff while small wounds decorate his otherwise clean skin. Meanwhile, you seemed completely fine. There were only a few cuts from C-kun’s sword but it wasn’t at all serious. Still, Trey treats your wounds so they don’t get infected.

The entire time, Trey is almost quiet as he tends to your wounds until he releases a sigh of defeat, for lack of a better word. He tells you that fighting by yourself isn’t safe, you know? That would just end up in both you and him getting your heads chopped off by Riddle (thank goodness he brought you out of the scene of the crime).

You explain to him that the only reason you had done it was because C-kun recently found out about your talent in sword fighting and wouldn’t stop bugging you until you agreed to duel with him, knowing it was against the rules, so you denied his every demand. However, he brought Trey into the story by mocking him and that was the last straw.

Quite honestly, Trey doesn’t know how to feel about it. On one hand, he’s afraid and a bit worried for you and what could have happened. And on the other...he’s grateful and rather enamoured about the fact that you tried to defend him. Still, he shows appreciation for what you did in his name but reminds you to be careful next time.

“Don’t run off fighting other people, okay? I really appreciate what you did for me but I don’t want you getting hurt. Plus, I can’t have my favorite cupcake get in trouble with Riddle!”

Rook Hunt

Saw you sword fighting another Pomefiore member, but it didn’t look intense if at all. From afar, it did look like you and Pomefiore B-kun were simply practice-duelling—and from afar, it stayed as such. Rook continued to watch you from the bushes with a keen eye and a smile tugging on his face.

However, B-kun just had to do it. During your duel, he began taunting you about Rook, your Hunter of Love. It started small; calling him a weirdo and other nicknames Rook had likely grown accustomed to. But B-kun just went on and on, his small taunts grew to harsh insults, and you weren’t having any of it.

You swiftly defeat B-kun in the duel. His sword flying out of his hands and landing on soft grass, piercing the surface. You quickly tell him to scram and he leaves without a word, not even to retrieve his sword.

You let out a sigh before turning to the bushes, where you know Rook is. You call out his name and after a few rustles from the bushes, he walks out with a large smile on his face and claps for your performance, stating that it was marvelous! ....However, this does spark curiosity in him—curiosity on why you never informed him of your talent in the art of sword fighting.

You say that you never found the reason to tell him of it, though you weren’t exactly ashamed, it was just what it was also because you knew Rook wouldn’t stop pestering you about it once he found out that you were skilled in sword fighting.

Non, non! This is wonderful news to him! He’s happy to know that you’re confident in something you’re skilled in and he would be all the more glad if you wanted to speak to him about sword fighting, should you ever wish to do so.

“Your swordsmanship is fantastique, mon cherie! Though, I must ask…,” The self-proclaimed hunter steps towards C-kun’s sword and picks it up. “May I request a few sword fighting lessons from you?”

[glowwormsmith]

Joseph’s Birthday Bash

Uh-oh, sisters! You think the Far Cry 5 Birthday Bash was over? When I told my boyfriend about the event, he decided to make a special gift for me. I loved it. He also gave me full permission to share this on Tumblr, so to celebrate the last day of March, here is my boyfriend’s gift to the Far Cry 5 fandom. God help us all.

This is also unedited with only minor grammatical changes to make it read better. Enjoy the fic~

Summary: It’s Joseph’s birthday and everyone in Hope County is invited. Things can only go well from here.

Warning: This is a crack fic. Expect OOC-ness (though he says it’s an accurate portrayal of all the characters), general silliness, fourth-wall breaking, off-color jokes, and anything else associated with a humor/crack fic. If anything needs to be tagged, let me know.

 AN: In truth, I know very little about Far Cry 5.

Joseph's Birthday Bash

           It was a clear and sunny day at the Project of Eden's Gate compound, colloquially known as “The Father's Church.” As opposed to the compound’s usual stark and austere look, today it was vibrant; the fence that was torn open from a recent helicopter crash was fixed, and what looked to be white moonflowers were tied into every single link of every chain. Even the sign that on any other day of the year proudly displayed “Project at Eden's Gate” was covered up with a black tarp that instead was spray-painted to say “Happy Birthday!”

           Truly, it was a surreal site.

           “Oooh, it's perfect!” A young woman in a white frilly dress exclaimed, as she took in her handiwork. “Now we just have to finish the outside of the church! Go on, mush!”

           In response, the ragtag group of strangely-dressed bald men who were the ones actually tying the flowers into the chain link fence turned to give a glassy-eyed stare to their commander.

           “Mush.” She repeated, snapping her fingers and pointing to the church.

           Sluggishly, the men picked up their basket of flowers and headed to the church.

           “Ah, Faith.” A long-suffering sigh came from just behind the gate as a man with a perfectly coiffed beard and a three-hundred-dollar coat stepped through. “As usual, you're truly an inspiration to observe. I wish I could be half as sympathetic to those in my region.”

           “John!” The aforementioned Faith beamed at the new arrival. “As usual, you're acting like a posh bitch!”

           John's head jerked back slightly at her bluntness and he was just about to retort, until another, much larger man came and put his hand on his shoulder.

           “Enough.” The large redhead grunted “Don't the two of you start. It's insufferable.”

           “Wow!” Faith said with a sing-song lilt. “‘Insufferable?’ Isn't that a little too many syllables for you, jarhead?”

           Jarhead gazed at her and gave an unimpressed grunt.

           “Really, would it kill you to act a little more ladylike?” John asked the girl. “This is why you're not in the Christmas photos.”

           “This is why you’re not--” She mimicked.

           “Really. Stop.” Jarhead said. “Joseph's going to be here soon. You know how he gets about the two of you bickering. I'd rather not hear it for once.”

           “Sorry, brother,” John mumbled.

           “Sorry, brother~” Faith mimicked, to everyone's distaste.

           “Rachel.” Jarhead warned, making her grimace slightly. “Stop.”

           Faith stuck out her tongue at him for a brief moment, then turned her head towards the church and fell silent. Suddenly, a small cloud of dust kicked up from one of the cliffs above them accompanied by a hum of an engine.

           “He's here.”

           A Jeep with tinted-black windows came into view from over the cliff, driving down into the gated compound. In moments it pulled unto the gate right in front of the three siblings. The driver's side door opened and out stepped a man who practically glowed with an enlightened aura. This was the most notable man in Hope County, Joseph Seed.

           He was also wearing a blindfold.

           “Jesus H. Christ!” Jarhead barked. “Where you driving that thing blindfolded!”

           “Jacob, my brother!” Joseph greeted, turning almost (but not quite) to face where Jacob was and spreading his arms. “My escorts told me that I had to wear this, otherwise I'd spoil the surprise.”

           “Your escorts were supposed to drive!” Jacob growled, looking towards two men in red balaclavas who stepped out of the passenger and rear seats, respectively. “I am disappointed.”

           “B-but...” One of the strangely dressed men stuttered out. “The Father--he wanted to drive!”

           “Blindfolded?”

           “Now, Jacob.” The still-blindfolded Father consoled, patting his brother on the shoulder. “It's like John 9:25 says, ‘I was blind, and now I can see!’.”

           “It's not.” Jacob sighed. “You still have that thing on.”

           “You never were the most spiritual, brother.”

           “Oh for--” The tall ginger ran his hand down his face. “Can we just get on with this whole thing?”

           “I dunno,” Faith said, twirling a flower in between her fingers. “This is kinda fun to watch.”

           “No, don't listen to her.” John wheedled his way between his two brothers and grabbed Joseph by his bicep. “Come, Brother, let us show you what we prepared!”

           Ignoring the disapproving stares from pretty much everybody, John sidled up to his brother, in a way that one could say was unnervingly close even for siblings, and led him into the compound. Stopping just before the church, John held his breath before motioning for his siblings and the followers to gather around and quickly ripped off Joseph's blindfold.

           “Surprise!” Everyone hollered. “Happy birthday, Father!”

           Joseph serenely took in the whole event, gazing at his church, defaced by clumsily pasted on moonflowers behind his piss-tinted aviators.

           “Were you wearing your glasses under your blindfold?” Jacob asked, stunned by his brother's dedication to fashion.

           “Well, Brother?!” John ignored his favorite brother's apparent psychosis. “Isn't this a wonderful surprise?”

           “It is no surprise, my children.” Joseph smiled back at all his followers, eyes crinkling slightly at the corners. His visage was that of one who has truly reached enlightenment. “For I have foreseen this.”

           “D'Ohhhhh!” his followers cried, shuffling their feet, as Faith nodded sagely, completely eating it up, and John looked crushed.

           “Of course you did,” Jacob sighed, wondering why he spent any time with his family.

           “Now, John.” The Father gazed around the decorated compound and nodded his head before turning and beckoning to his younger brother. “Bring me your Devil Box.”

           “My what?”

           “Your devil box,” Joseph said, as if he was talking to a small child. “Which you use to broadcast the past onto other, squarer devil boxes.”

           John looked as if he was about to have a conniption. The rest of the followers weren't much better.

           “Your camera,” Jacob grunted.

           “Oh!” John exclaimed. “But why, Joseph?”

           “Why John, today is the birthday of our Savior,” The Father chided. “Me. Obviously today should be a day of armistice and coming together.”

           “No,” Jacob interjected, already seeing where this was going.

           “Therefore, I suggest--”

           “No.”

           “--That we invite--”

           “Seriously. This is dumb.”

           “--The deputies and their friends!”

           “Joseph.”

           “Worry not, my dear brother, things are going as foreseen.” Joseph settled the matter with a deft hand and turned to his other siblings. “John, Faith, we must prepare for our guests.”

           “As the Father decrees!” Faith screeched, turning to her homeless-looking followers who gave their agreement with a cacophony of inhuman moans.

 Elsewhere

           The town of Fall's End had seen a major downsizing since the Project at Eden's Gate had started. While it was never what would be described as a “booming town,” it had a scattered few stores with a surprising variety of goods, tailored to the unique individuals that lived in Hope County. Now all stores were closed but two: a bar called the Spread Eagle, and a hardware shop that sold guns.

           It was unfortunate for the town of Fall's End that even the followers of the Project at Eden's Gate couldn't rid them of their town idiot, though.

           “DEPUTY!” A grown man with a roughshod beard and a stylized American flag shirt shouted, as he waved his hands and ran down an empty street. “DEPUTY!”

           His shouting continued until he entered the Spread Eagle.

           “DEPUTY!”

           “Hurk!” The bartender, a blonde woman, shouted back as she cleaned her glasses with a wet rag. “Quiet down! You're bothering my customers!”

           “Oh! Hey man, sorry,” Hurk said, looking around at the scattered few patrons giving him the stink-eye from over their mugs. “I was just looking for—OH, THERE YOU ARE!”

           “Hurk!” the bartender threatened.

           “Oh, sorry, man.” The town idiot nodded back again, then proceeded to walk towards a patron who was doing their best to not look at him. “Hey, man, where have you been? I've been calling your name for the last hour!”

           The person Hurk was addressing was an iconic figure of Hope County, Deputy Rook. The deputy was, even by Hope County's standards, a complete and hopeless weirdo. They were a small person, standing maybe 5'7”, and not a single person besides their parents probably knew their gender.

           Why one might ask? Because Deputy Rook always wore some kind of weird mask on their head. Be it a big chicken mask, an alien mask, or even what they were wearing today, a gigantic eyeball mask. No one truly knew what Rook's face looked like. The deputy even wore a big horse mask to their police academy graduation, which was probably the reason they were assigned to this podunk town.

           Even more than that, they were slight of build, had shaved and waxed legs, and never spoke. Ever.

           “Hey man, have you seen the TV?” Hurk questioned Deputy Rook, who in response continued to give the impression of not looking at Hurk (which was doubly impressive, given that they were wearing a gigantic eyeball on their head) and poured their beer into the cornea of their mask.

           As expected, it didn't go into the mask and splashed everywhere.

           “Yeah? That's cool, man. But seriously, you should check it out,” Hurk continued, seemingly oblivious of Rook's indifference. “HEY, MARY MAY!”

           “Hurk. I'm going to kick you out,” the bartender countered.

           “DON'T BE LIKE THAT, MAN! JUST TURN THE TV ON TO CHANNEL 3!!”            “Hurk, the only channel we get anymore is channel 3,” Mary May sighed, as she picked up the dusty TV remote from behind the bar and turned on the small CRT that they used in the past to watch the Cougar's baseball games. “You can just say ‘turn on the TV’.”

           “WILL DO, PRETTY LADY!” Hurk screamed conversationally, as he turned back to the Deputy. “Hey man, look, it's Joseph.”

           The deputy quickly glanced up to see that, indeed, on the TV was Joseph Seed. They then got up, turned their bar stool around and continued to splash their beer around.

           “Greetings, my children,” TV Joseph spoke, static slightly modulating his voice into a deeper, more seductive tone. “I am broadcasting this message to give good tidings to you all!”

           “Oh man, I don't know what that means, but it sounds sinister, don't it?!” Hurk questioned the Deputy, who raised a finger in the air to silence him.

           Mary Mae poured them a shot glass of clear liquid, which they proceeded to throw all over their mask.

           “Yeah, I like the liquor too.” Hurk nodded.

           “Today marks the day of the birth of your Savior.” TV Joseph looked over his piss-goggles for a brief moment “Me.”

           “What an asshole.” Mary May came to the general consensus as she poured herself a shot glass of clear liquid and proceeded to throw it back.

           “As such, today will be a day of peace!” The camera zoomed out to show the entirety of the followers of the Project at Eden’s Gate crowded around what looked to be Joseph's church, but it was covered in badly placed flowers. “I invite you all to my church to partake in the merriment. I hope to see you all there!”

           TV Joseph lowered his aviators again. “Especially you, Lamb of God.”

           “Huh, wonder who he was talking about.” Hurk scratched his head as the recording abruptly cut off and repeated itself a moment later. “Must be his secret weapon.”

           Deputy Rook scooted their chair as far away from Hurk as they could. They were, unfortunately, between him and a wall, and therefore had to press themselves up against a wall to get as far away from the idiot as humanly possible.

           “But you know, man, what this means we need to do?” Hurk questioned the Deputy, who was sidling the wall and trying to very sneakily escape. “WE NEED TO GO CRASH THAT PARTY!”

           “Alright Hurk, that's it! Get out of my bar!”

 Elsewhere, sometime later

             “This is a waste of time, Joseph,” Jacob grunted from his seat at the porch of Joseph's church. “Our enemies aren't just going to waltz into here.”

           He couldn't have picked a worse time to say that, as a helicopter came into view on the horizon and the sound of a horn blaring from an 18-wheeler echoed down the cliff side of their compound.

           “Faith, brother.” Joseph gave Jacob the smuggest grin.

           In short order, a convoy of vehicles pulled up to the gate of the compound: an 18-wheeler with a flame decal, a shitty-looking jeep with a Gatling gun on the roof, some gaudy looking sports car, a black sedan, and a handful of ATVs. The helicopter came and landed next to them, followed by a red biplane that didn't quite stick it's landing and rammed into the gate slightly, knocking over a 50-foot section of the chain link fence.

           “Lovely that you all have come,” Joseph said serenely, waving to the group of people who were filtering out of their vehicles and checking the safety on their weapons. “Truly, it is a day for celebration--and don't worry, we've made enough macaroni salad for everyone!”

           “Bleh!” Hurk said in sync with a young man holding a flamethrower stylized with a shark motif.

           “Come, my children,” Joseph beckoned, conveniently ignoring anything that didn't fit his worldview. “We shall begin to make with the merriment!”

           “Check your guns at the door,” Jacob added.

             As it turned out, the community gathering didn't immediately dissolve into a crazed slaughter. There was (surprisingly for the Seed’s) a good amount of liquor provided. Deputy Hudson, the only (at least proven) female deputy, managed to integrate herself with a group of Jacob's hunters and were quietly discussing amongst themselves what the best shotgun slug on the market was. Whitehorse had a surprising love of fashion and was discussing Mumu's Fashion Week with John, who was an avid collector. Deputy Rook even managed to be companionable, if silent, after one of Joseph's followers commented that they liked the gaudy, skeleton-embroidered gloves they wore. Everyone else was laughing at the Project at Eden Gate followers suffering through the classic Seed macaroni salad. All in all, it was a good time.

           “Everyone,” Joseph called out. “It's now time for the exchange of gifts!”

           Alas, all good things come to an end.

           Whitehorse motioned to Deputy Rook, who leaned their dumb eyeball mask close to their boss. “We were supposed to get gifts?”

           Rook shrugged. It was a birthday after all.

           “Why didn't you tell me?” Whitehorse demanded. Rook turned their eyeball mask fully to face the sheriff down in a stare-off.

           “...Fine.” Whitehorse relented. “You make a good case. You're lucky you’re such a damn good speaker, Rook.”

           A deep sigh came from the mask before Rook turned back towards the Father.

           “Me first!” John shouted, pushing his way to the front of the crowd. He cleared his throat and presented a perfectly wrapped box to his brother.

           “Thank you, dear brother,” praised the Father as he carefully unwrapped the box. As he reached inside, he pulled out a painting frame. “...Modern art?”

           “It's the first sin I carved out of myself!” John proudly displayed a scar on his left underarm, “Are you not proud, brother?!”

           Slightly green, Joseph nodded, setting the framed piece of flayed skin in a pile he mentally marked as 'trash'. “Very. Next, please.”

           No one moved.

           “Come now, no need to be shy.” Joseph looked around the crowd who was trying very hard not to meet his eyes. “How about Faith? Come now, my child.”

           “Err...” Faith's eyes darted around like a rabbit staring down a shotgun. “How about Jacob first?”

           “No, no. I'm sure your gift will be wonderful,” The Father countered with a smile.

           “Sure, yeah! Wonderful.” Faith inched away. “I just have to go get it! I'll be right back!”

           The young woman bolted away. A couple minutes passed, then five, then ten. Most of the gathered guests wondered if she was going to come back (most hoped that she wouldn't). Any concerns were allayed and hopes dashed moments later, however, when she came back with a poorly wrapped and heavily-taped, ball-looking object.

           “Happy birthday, Father!” Faith exclaimed with a proud smile as she shoved the gift into his outstretched hands.

           “Thank you, sister.” Joseph serenely intoned, carefully picking at his gift in order to most carefully unwrap it, only for it to spill all over his suit. “...Dirt?”

           “It's symbolic,” Faith explained.

           “Oh?” The Father was quite interested. “How so?”

           “It's symbolic,” Faith repeated, sweat beading down her face, her ever present smile trembling slightly.

           The Father looked over his glasses at her with what half the crowd would say was disappointment, and the other half would say was understanding. “I see.”

           “Jacob!” Faith screeched grabbing her actually-not-really brother by his huge bear arm and dragged him forward. “You're turn.”

           “Fine,” he huffed. Reaching into his inner coat pocket, he withdrew a small, unwrapped cardboard box, not much bigger than a soda can. “Happy birthday, Jo.”

           “Thank you, Jacob.” The Father smiled, comfortable in the knowledge that his eldest brother would actually bring him a regular gift. He opened the box and examined the plastic object. “...What is it, exactly?”

           “It's a speed reloader,” Jacob explained, picking up the gift and holding it in what Joseph assumed was the correct configuration. “You load your bullets here, and if you ever need to reload, it'll barely take you a half-second.”

           “A speed reloader?” Joseph was baffled. “For an assault rifle?”

           “What? No.” Jacob was beginning to be as baffled as his brother and pointed to the gun at his waist. “I've never seen you with a rifle. That's for the revolver you're always totting around.”

           The Father stared at his brother for a solid two seconds before bursting out with warm laughter. “Oh Jacob, I'll never actually use this weapon.”

           “Joseph, I know you don't like guns, but--”

           “No, no brother. It's just a character design element,” The Father explained. “Why, using it would be silly.”

           “I don't understand what you're saying.”

           “Don't worry, all is as foreseen,” Joseph said, falling back to his cop-out line.

           “I'm done.” Jacob gave up, rubbing his forehead in suppressed rage, he gestured to the deputies and their compatriots. “One of you idiots can go next.”

           “Oh, I'll go, I'll go!” Hurk waved his hand and ran up to Joseph before shoving what looked to be a shopping bag right in his face. It made a satisfying “bonk” as it rebounded off his forehead. “I know we had our troubles, man, with me dropping out of the cult and all, but this has been cool.”

           “Thank you, young Herakles,” Joseph said benevolently, ignoring the throbbing pain in his head. “I'm glad—”

           “Yo, man, where did you hear that name?” Hurk tried to whisper, but it came across even louder. “My name is Hurk.”

           A rasping chuckle came from the weirdo in the giant eyeball mask in the crowd.

           “Young Herakles,” Joseph said. “You should be proud of your name. It has heritage and—”

           “WOO-HEE!!” Hurk screamed. “WHO KNOWS WHAT THESE PEGGIES ARE SAYING, AMIRITE?!”

           “I'll just open this now,” Joseph said, opening his shopping bag and taking out a rather nice bottle of wine. “Young Herakles, this is one of the bottles of wine I bought for this party.”

           “I know, man!” Hurk agreed. “I knew you'd like it.”

           Joseph looked at the bottle in his hand and set it beside him. He looked to his eldest brother and made a motion of cutting his throat. “I see.”

           Jacob grunted, grabbed Hurk by the shoulder and guided him back to his friends. “Next.”

           “Sure.” A black man with a smooth voice stepped to the front of the queue. “I've got something to give Joseph.”

           As the Father saw this guest, his eyes lit up. “If it isn't my old friend, Jerome!”

           “‘Old friend’. Sure,” Jerome said dryly.

           “I missed you, friend,” The Father continued. “Remember when we used to camp out together?”

           “You mean when you squatted in my church?”

           “Or when you had me as a guest preacher?” Joseph pushed on.

           “You wouldn't stop interrupting my Mass.”

           “Such good times.” Joseph said. “What tidings do you bring, old friend?”

           “This.” Jerome placed a half-drank water bottle in front of the father emblazoned with the words ‘Holy Water’ in still-wet, permanent marker ink. “Blessed it myself. I'm curious if you'll spontaneously combust when it touches your skin.”

           “You blessed it yourself?!” Joseph gasped. “I'll treasure it. Thank you, my friend.”

           Jerome just glared at the Father.

           “And no hard feelings about the thing with your daughter, right, friend?” Joseph pushed.

           Jerome continued to glare at the Father.

           “Haha, of course not old, friend. What a story.”

           Deputy Hudson quickly went up and dragged the preacher away before he went to strangle Joseph.

           “That will be a hard act to follow,” Joseph warned.

           The gathered looked at each other and started shoving each other to try to push one unwilling sacrifice to the head of the crowd. After a couple moments, a man stumbled out at the head of the crowd.            “I suppose I'll go,” said a dirty man with crazy hair. He walked up to the Father, dug through his pocket, and dropped a crumpled cardboard business card on his place mat. “Here.”

            “Why...Thank you,” Joseph said, inching away from the filthy man. He gave a glance at the business card before grabbing the tongs from the macaroni salad, and used it to pick up the card and bring it to eye level. “A free, 1-year subscription to...Zip Kupka's NewsBattles?”

           “It's my internet talk show,” Zip Kupka explained. “You can get it on XM radio, too. It tells about all the hard-hitting news, like the bliss in the Henbane turning all the fish gay!”

           “Lies!” Faith shouted, perhaps a bit too loudly. “Baseless slander!”

           “Wait,” Skylar Kohrs, the young fishing champion of Hope County, muttered. “Is that why there are no Demonfish out this season?”

           “What are Demonfish?” Staci Pratt, local emasculated deputy, asked the butch fisher-girl.

           “You know,” Skylar explained, holding out her hands to their full wingspan. “About this big, dorsal fins, huge teeth.”

           “Skylar,” Staci said in a slow voice, as if talking to an idiot. “There aren't any sharks in Montana.”

           “I know,” Skylar shot back. “They're Demonfish.”

           “Children, children.” Joseph held up his hands, forestalling their argument. “We're getting away from the important thing here. Me.”

           Deputy Rook idly wondered if the buffet table sporks graciously given out for the macaroni salad would make a good enough weapon to stab Joseph. Before they could act on that train of thought, an old, bearded man in an apron jogged into the middle of the crowd, shouting unintelligible madness.

           “Mphyadn, Shawdamnh Birthday,” the seemingly crazed man said. “Hadph, doart cake mera fer lpod.”

           “My child, do have peanut butter in your mouth?” Joseph offered the man a glass of wine. “You sound like you could use a drink.”

           “No Padfd Btha.” The man shook his head, but took the glass from the Father and downed it all in one quick throw. “Baday cake Tephda, Aldkh?”

           “Err,” Whitehorse broke in, seeing as none of the cult members (or their leaders) could understand this man. “Chad here's saying that for his gift, he made a birthday cake for you. He was asking if he could clear off some space to bring it out.”

           “Of course, my child!” Joseph said. “But leave the macaroni, all my children seem to be enjoying it.”

           Chad looked disbelievingly at the Father as a cry of “Your macaroni sucks!” came from the crowd, but nodded and went to his truck where he retrieved the cake, made some space on the table near Joseph, and set it down.

           “Quite an...” Joseph looked at the giant meatball in front of him. “...Interesting-looking birthday cake.”

           “Mera o Mtabaffth,” Chad explained.

           Wordlessly, Joseph turned to the Sheriff.

           “It's more of a meatloaf,” Whitehorse said. “Chad's a world-class BBQ chef. It makes more sense than him actually baking a cake.”

           “I see.” Joseph nodded, carefully cutting a small piece of the giant meatball and eating it. After a couple moments of chewing, his eyes lit up and he took a bigger piece. “This is actually quite good! What kind of meat is this?”

           Chad smiled and then said, in perfectly understandable and unaccented English, “Bull testicles.”

           The Father stopped chewing, and audibly gulped. He set his tableware to the side and nodded. “Thank you, my child. I think I'll save the rest for all my guests.”            “Oh wow, you sure?!” a man in aviators and a flannel vest pushed his way forwards before grabbing a literal handful of the cake. “Look, Kim! They got testies!”

           “...Great job, honey.” A pregnant Asian woman congratulated him from the gaggle of guests as she hung her head in shame.

           The Father watched on in fascinated horror behind his glasses as the man savagely ate the handful of testicles with an “Om nom nom!”

           “Is it really that good?” one of the Project at Eden's Gate followers wondered aloud.

           “It must be, look at him go,” another said, pointing at the man filling his cheeks with testicles. “Chad is a world-class BBQ chef, after all.

           “Hey, yeah, let’s go try some.” And so, the entire crowd of guests meandered their way forward and made quick work of the testicle cake.

           “Oh my,” Joseph said drolly. “I wish my macaroni salad would go as quickly.”

           The worshipers looked away from the Father. A cry of “Your macaroni sucks!” came from somewhere in the crowd.

           “Hey man, it's like, nature.” Sharky Boshaw, Hope County's resident firebug, said, spraying bull testicle everywhere as he did so. “You can't stop nature. Everyone wants to get some balls in their mouth.”

           “Young man,” Joseph preached, gesturing towards where his siblings stood. “Of course, you can go against nature. Why, look at my siblings.”

           Turning, Joseph only saw Jacob there, with a disassembled gun in his lap.

           “Where did John and Faith go?” Joseph asked his brother. Jacob grunted and motioned towards the table with his head. Turning, the Father came to the sight of his youngest brother and sister stuffing their face with testicles. Looking at his siblings voraciously eating the balls, Joseph could only come to agreement with the young man in front of him. “Nature is truly a frightening thing.”

           “Yeah, man. Anyways, happy B-day,” Sharky said, before digging in his pocket and tossing the Father a lighter. “That's a favorite of mine, real sentimental value.”

           The Father examined the bright blue plastic lighter. “It's a Zippo.”            “Good brand,” Sharky agreed with a nod.

           “It has a 99-cent sticker on it,” The Father argued, before spinning the striker. “And it's empty.”

           “Real sentimental value.”

           Joseph set down the lighter in the “trash” pile next to John's gift. “Thank you, my child.”

           “Oh yeah! Sharky kills it again!” The pyro pumped his fist. “Beat that, po-po!”

           Sighing, Deputy Rook rose to bring their gift to the so-called prophet.

           “Oh, the Lamb of God!” Joseph rose from his chair and held out his hand. “Wait, wait!”

           The Father grabbed the left shoulder of his suit coat with his right hand, and in one fluid movement, ripped off his whole suit top and dress shirt and threw it to the side, revealing his tattoos to the world. He looked over his glasses at Deputy Rook and held his arms towards them, motioning for them to 'come hither'. “Come, my child.”

           The Deputy's whole dumb eyeball mask rolled. They woodenly marched forward and reached into their jacket and dropped, into the Father's outstretched hands, a remote bomb. On it was a sticky note that read, ‘Not every problem can be solved with a bullet. This isn't a bullet.’

           Suddenly, everyone was pointing weapons at each other.

           “PUT THE GUN DOWN!” John was yelling at Sharky as he pushed his gun against his forehead.

           “YOU FUCKING PUT THE GUN DOWN!” Hurk yelled back as he pushed his rocket launcher against John's liver.

           “YOU AREN'T GOING TO FUCKING DO IT!” Faith shouted as she rapidly moved her shotgun between them.

           Deputy Rook, meanwhile, rolled the detonator between their palms.

           Joseph sighed and set the gift down in the trash pile. “Peace, children, peace.”

           “Joseph,” Jacob grunted. “You're sitting next to a bomb. Peace is a little out of the picture.”

           “Now, brother,” Joseph said placatingly, pulling out a silver stopwatch and checking the time. “Let's wait until we get the last gift.”

           “What last gift?” Jacob hissed at his brother, who turned his head skyward.

           “That.” A whistling was heard in the distance. Then, Joseph's church exploded in a shower of wood, sawdust and moonflowers. The kinetic energy from the blast sent everyone except Joseph, who was standing in just the right spot, hurtling to the ground, ears ringing.

           The Father walked up to the object jutting out from his now destroyed church, and lay his hand upon its cool, metal surface.

           Jacob was the first of those not blessed by (a dark) God to recover. He looked up at his brother to see him stroking an undetonated ICBM. On it was Cyrillic characters that he recognized; Russian. He only knew a brief smattering, so it took him a moment to translate what it said, but when he did, he could only mutter, “Crazy bastard.”

           On the missile it read, Happy Birthday, Joseph – God.

           Smiling, Joseph meet his older brother's eyes. “It is all as foreseen.”

           Then the world was covered in cleansing fire.

         Fin