#just higher sense of self-esteem and not seeing every wrong as a betrayal

[animazed]

🙃

so guess who’s gonna probably be not engaged anymore soon

[thatsamericano]

Screaming and Fighting and Kissing in the Rain

Pairing/Characters: America/Romano. Past Prussia/Romano, minor Cankraine.

Rating: Teen, for cursing. Also, suggestive implications at the end, but nothing even remotely explicit on-screen.

Warnings: Self-esteem issues, including body image issues. Mentions of violence that aren’t carried out. An unwanted kiss between Prussia and Romano due to miscommunication, but Prussia respects Romano’s boundaries when he makes them clear.

Word Count: 2412

Summary: America gets upset when he plans to meet up with Romano after a meeting and sees Romano and Prussia kissing when he gets to the restaurant. Romano has to chase after America in a rainstorm to make things right.

A/N: Written for Romerica/Itapan Week Day 2: “Kissing in the Rain.” Title taken from “The Way I Loved You” by Taylor Swift.

Despite changing his outfit twice, adding an extra spritz of cologne, and taming his hair as much as he could, Romano still managed to be fifteen minutes early to the restaurant. He ordered a drink at the bar and browsed Twitter on his phone as he impatiently waited for America to show up.

This wasn’t a date, so there was no reason for him to be so nervous, Savino reminded himself. It was just supposed to be “dinner and drinks” with a friend after the world meeting, but Alfred had seemed so excited about spending time with him that an incredibly stupid part of Savino was hoping he could manage to turn this evening in another direction. Savino wanted that part of him to shut the fuck up.

So when Prussia showed up at the bar and sat down on the adjacent stool, Savino slipped his phone into his pocket and engaged in a bit of lighthearted bickering back and forth. Gilbert was a useful distraction that would help him appear relaxed instead of jittery and anxious by the time America showed up.

Romano’s mind was so fixated on America and their date that wasn’t a date that he missed signals he would have ordinarily noticed. He only realized things had gone too far when suddenly Prussia’s mouth was on top of his, and his hand was inching up from Romano’s knee onto his thigh (and when the hell did it land on his knee anyway?).

Romano tore his mouth away and shoved Prussia’s hand off him before it could climb any higher. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” Romano squawked.

Prussia gave him that annoying, smarmy smirk he was way too used to. “Trying to turn you on so you’ll agree to come back to my hotel room with me. Is it working?”

Savino scoffed and picked up his drink. “Hardly. That hasn’t worked in a century, asshole.” He took a large gulp and picked at a cocktail napkin nervously. “Besides, I can’t go to your hotel room tonight. I planned to have dinner with someone else.”

“Oh, you’ve got a date?” Prussia asked. Now that sex was off the table, he was curious in a purely friendly manner.

“Not quite. I’m uh… supposed to be meeting America here in a few minutes.” Savino smiled nervously, in a way that must have given away his true intentions, because Gilbert laughed like Savino had said something incredibly hilarious.

“That sounds like a date to me.”

Savino opened his mouth, but before he could issue a flustered denial, he saw an enraged Canada marching towards the bar with an umbrella clenched in his fist like a sword he was about to wield against some very unlucky victim. Ukraine was right behind him, and she was fluttering her hands in the air and whispering, but clearly it wasn’t calming her boyfriend down at all. America’s brother could be downright scary when he was pissed off, so Romano wisely closed his mouth and shrank back against the bar.

Canada pointed a finger straight at Romano. “You!”

“Me?”

“What the fuck did you do to my brother?!” Canada snarled, resembling a polar bear. A fully grown, vicious mama bear, not the cute little cub he carried around with him sometimes.

“I… I didn’t do anything, I swear—”

“Well, somebody must have done something! Because Alfred practically ran out of here crying, and Alfie doesn’t cry like that for no reason! I know for a fact he was supposed to be hanging out with you tonight because he told me all about it after the meeting! He was so happy about getting to spend time with you, and now look what you’ve done!”

Romano felt nauseous with guilt. “Fredo was crying?”

Ukraine nodded solemnly. “I’ve never seen him like that before. Matviy tried to ask him what was wrong, but Alfred was so upset he couldn’t even answer him.”

“Shit,” Prussia whispered. He turned to look at Romano. “Do you think he saw us kissing and got the wrong idea?”

Canada ground his teeth together and gave Prussia a look that was colder than the chilliest day in the Arctic. Ukraine put a hand on her boyfriend’s bicep to keep him from lunging forward to beat the shit out of Gilbert like he clearly wanted to.

Savino hopped down from his barstool. “This is all a horrible, hideous misunderstanding. Where do you think Alfred went?”

Matthew released an irritated huff of air. “He was going out the front door. He’s probably on his way back to the hotel now.”

“Grazie.” Romano dashed past Canada and Ukraine and dodged a couple waiters and a few drenched guests on his way out the front door.

When he pushed open the restaurant’s heavy front door, Savino was instantly confronted by a harsh wind whipping through his hair and rain pelting down on him as thunder boomed from the clouds. The sky, which had been merely overcast earlier, was now in the midst of a full thunderstorm, but Romano didn’t care about getting wet or ruining his Armani suit or Ferragamo shoes. He only cared because the inclement weather made it harder for him to see.

Romano swung his gaze desperately around the street and quickly spotted a blond man in a business suit swiftly walking down the block several meters ahead of him. Romano ran towards him and started yelling.

“Alfred! Alfred, slow down so I can talk to you, damn it!”

When he got closer, he could see that the man he was chasing was indeed America, and that his shoulders were trembling. He was sobbing, just like Canada had said. “Leave me alone! Go back to making out with Prussia! That’s what you’d rather do anyway!”

“Don’t tell me what I fucking want, idiota!” He was close enough now to grab America’s jacket, which he did, forcing America to turn around and face him. “If I wanted to make out with Prussia, I wouldn’t be out here in the rain yelling at you!”

America’s face was met with a mixture of rainwater and tears. He was soaked through to the bone, just like Romano was, and his electric blue eyes were swimming with misery and betrayal.

“You know, Vinny, it’s bad enough that I had to walk into that restaurant, expecting that I’d get to spend time with you, alone, and see you shoving your tongue down Prussia’s throat. But I at least thought you respected me enough to not lie right to my face. Guess I was wrong!”

Romano shook his head. “That’s not what happened, damn it! If you’d just listen, I could explain—”

America made a noise between a derisive laugh and a wet, hiccupping sob. “Explain?! Explain what?! Let me guess, it didn’t mean anything, and you and Gil are just good buddies! Because kissing your friend like that is a totally normal thing to do, right?!”

Savino’s throat was closing up, and he didn’t know what to say. Because Alfred was half-right in his hysterical shouting. A long time ago, he had kissed Gilbert like that, and even slept with him, but their relationship had never turned romantic. There had been mutual interest and mutual understanding between them, but never love. He would have never run away crying into a rainstorm if he’d seen Prussia kissing someone else, and he knew Prussia wouldn’t have either.

Which made him wonder: why the hell was America reacting like this? He was acting like Romano had ripped out his heart, stomped on it, and then laughed about it while high-fiving Prussia, which didn’t make any sense, unless…

“Fredo, do… do you want me to kiss you?”

Alfred whimpered like Savino had just stabbed him in the guts. He hunched his shoulders to shrink down as much as his tall frame would allow and squeezed his eyes shut. “I get it, okay? Gil is… he’s more attractive than me. He’s less fat, for starters. He can be loud too, but most people aren’t as annoyed by him as they are me. He’s older and smarter than I am, so he’d actually know how to kiss people. Of course you’d want to be with him instead of me.”

The thunder rumbled ominously as Romano reached out to touch America’s shoulder. “That’s not true. None of that is true.” Dio, it hurt to hear Alfred talk about himself like this. Like he was nothing. Like his feelings, which were clearly hurt, didn’t matter.

America continued, disregarding what Romano had said.  “It’s okay. You don’t have to try to make me feel better. I know you don’t like me the way I like you. You’ve got every right to kiss Prussia or whoever it is you want. But I’d appreciate it if you didn’t kiss them right in front of me, because it hurts. It hurts a lot more than you realize.” Alfred’s lower lip wobbled dangerously, and Savino could barely hear his voice over the wind and rain. “I’ve never… I’ve never even wanted to kiss anyone other than you. Talk about pathetic, right?” Then Alfred started weeping too hard to continue speaking and making these awful, animalistic, heartbreaking noises Savino never, ever wanted to hear again.

Savino reached up to wipe the tears and rainwater away from his cheeks. “You’re not pathetic, amore. You’re gorgeous, and smart, and fucking amazing. I don’t care if it takes all night, I am going to stand here in the rain with you until you believe me.”

Alfred sniffled and looked down at Savino like he was some strange, otherworldly creature he’d never seen before. “Did… did you just call me amore?”

Romano felt a white-hot flash of embarrassment at having his openly sappy words pointed out to him, but that only made him more determined and stubborn. “That’s right, I fucking did! You better get used to it, because I like you a lot, damn it! And that means I get to call you whatever sappy shit I want!”

Alfred laughed and pulled him closer by the waist. “You can call me whatever you want, baby doll. Just as long as you aren’t calling Prussia that too.”

Savino rolled his eyes and vainly pretended he wasn’t shivering from the possessive tone America had used with him or the ridiculous pet name. “For the record, I’ve never called Prussia amore, even when I was hooking up with him. And I wasn’t kissing him earlier. He kissed me, and I pushed him away.”

Alfred tilted his head and grinned. “You wouldn’t push me away if I kissed you right now, would you, Vinny?”

Savino had never felt more exasperated. “Honestly, the fact that you even have to ask—”

Alfred chuckled and leaned down to kiss him, and Savino closed his eyes. At first, Alfred was tentative and uncertain, but with Savino’s encouragement, he gradually grew more confident. His lips were cold and wet from the rain, which wasn’t ideal, because Romano was not a fan of this kind of weather. He obviously didn’t know what to do with his hands, but the fact they were roaming all over Romano’s back like he couldn’t touch him in enough places was flattering as hell. Overall, it wasn’t perfect, but the kiss was equal parts loving and desperate, so it was pretty damn incredible.

Then, with no warning, America lifted Romano’s feet off the ground like he weighed nothing at all. Savino groaned into his mouth and wrapped his legs around Alfred’s hips so he wouldn’t fall over. And because the fact Alfred could just lift him up like that was stupidly hot and making his mind wander to ideas he definitely wanted to explore somewhere more private than this very public sidewalk in front of God knows how many people.

He was a panting, horny mess by the time Alfred pulled away to breathe. Alfred was still holding Savino up, like he could do this all night, and he was smirking.

“Well, how was it? Was I better than Prussia?”

Romano smacked his shoulder without putting much force behind it. “You don’t have to beg for compliments. It was better than anyone I’ve ever been with. Especially the part where you lifted me off the ground.”

“I could carry you around like this for hours. I could pin you up against a wall too, if there was a wall nearby.”

“You should definitely do that at some point. But for now, I’d like to stand again.”

America obediently set Romano back down on his feet and let go of his waist. He gestured back down the street, from whence they had come. “We had dinner plans earlier. Do you want to go back to the restaurant, or…”

“It’s getting late. I think we should go back to the hotel.”

Alfred took his hand and led him down the street. “Makes sense. The hotel has room service. Plus a shower with hot water and fluffy towels. We can get warm, change into dry clothes, then order something to eat.”

He squeezed Alfred’s hand. “The hotel also has walls. And beds that are definitely too big for just one person.”

Alfred’s eyes widened, and he choked on air. “That’s… yeah. Lots of good stuff at the hotel.”

Savino smiled to himself without saying anything. As smooth and seductive as Alfred might pretend to be, this was entirely new territory for him, so he was naturally overwhelmed. It wouldn’t help him to know that his innocence was one of the most adorable things Savino had ever seen.

The light was red when they arrived at the crosswalk, and they had to stop to let cars pass by. Romano leaned up to kiss America’s cheek, and America gave him a puzzled look afterwards.

He shrugged, feigning nonchalance as best he could. “I just love you is all.”

Alfred beamed down at him, brighter than the high-beams of passing cars. “I love you too.” He tilted Savino’s chin up and kissed the bridge of his nose. “And I cannot wait to take you home with me.”

Home, hotel, a colony on the moon… at the moment, Romano would gladly go wherever America would take him. When the crosswalk light turned, he grimaced at the fact his Ferragamos had to wade through a muddy, filthy puddle, but it was worth it to be a few steps closer to a hotel room where they could finally be alone at last.

[theholycovenantrpg]

CONGRATULATIONS, CAROLINE! YOU’VE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR THE ROLE OF MICHAEL.

Admin Rosey: This was. This was absolutely beautiful to read, Caroline. I feel like there’s no other way to describe it because the emotion behind each and every word was so palpable. I think what struck me - not above all, just something that really struck me and sticks within my mind - is the fact that you identified him as heroic, and then as archaic. It was such a small detail, but it was the most perfect way to describe Michael. He wants to be the hero, the savior - but he’s archaic. Michael is the untitled King of Caelum, and boy, I cannot wait to see how much ruin you will cause to him and everyone else. Sincerely, this was a g i f t to read. Please create and send in your account, review the information on our CHECKLIST, and follow everyone on the FOLLOW LIST. Welcome to the Holy Land!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias. Caroline

Age. Twenty-five

Personal Pronouns. She/her or they/them

Activity Level. I will not lie to y’all, I work six days a week ten-hour days. But I also get very attached and want to stay up to date. Between those two, I like to stay up to date with the dash, but sometimes only get to post one or two times a week. Other times I’m always Here. There is no middle ground and I am so sorry

Timezone. EST

Triggers. REMOVED

How did you find the group. Let’s not talk about it (jk it was JJ and we’ve been knowing)

Current/Past RP Accounts. hutchingsb, brighidnolan, achillesgrieves

IN CHARACTER

Character. Michael

Are you comfortable with killing off your character. I sure am, pals. In fact, in the long run, I don’t think Michael should survive. I think he is too muddled in hypocrisy and his own arrogance to not be killed eventually. Especially if history repeated itself and Zadkiel killed him.

What drew you to this character. 

When I was a second semester senior in college (arguably the worst time in my life) I was finishing my degree in philosophy. While everything else went to shit, I took this truly incredible class called the Problem of Evil. I got lowkey obsessed with the concept of this ‘problem of evil’ and what it means for the existence of God. Michael is, in a lot of ways, this discussion in character form. Throughout the roleplay, Michael will have to come to terms with the idea that it’s incredibly hard to be a God type figure and be morally good. And that dynamic excites the fuck out of me y’all.

More than just this philosophical idea that I would literally go feral for, Michael is such a complex character. There are depths to him that just writing this app I got to uncover, and I think that will carry on through writing him always. There is so much potential there, and so much characterization to uncover that I don’t think I could ever tire of the archangel. This being fucks y’all

Plots. 

QUIS UT DUES. Who is like God? History repeats itself. Michael’s rise in the ranks and desperation for both mortals and demons to bend the knee to him shows this. He is not so unlike the figurehead he struck down. He will be forced to make choices that have to be made and enforce punishments that will seem to others merciless. The question truly is how does one become god-like without becoming God-like? What made God so wrong? What made it necessary for Michael to cut Him down? And does Michael even have the ability to notice the difference between the two? The answer, folks, is hell nah.

DEATH RIPENS. ONE NEEDS DEATH IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO HARVEST THE FRUIT. The fall of God gave Michael the first taste of peace since he can remember. Centuries of carving out punishments and protection means that the archangel has dealt with death before, but it has never soothed him. It has only ever added to his despondency. So when he moved to cut down his own God, he figured the feeling would be much of the same. An intense sense of duty to all creatures and nothing more. The shock he felt at the momentary calm was enough to make him pause. And he is carrying that into his position of King. This idea of death as an action that ends with peace sits in the back of his mind. And it is hardening him into something crueler than he can recognize. 

THE APPALLING STRANGENESS OF THE MERCY OF GOD. Arrogance is almost second nature to the archangel. His pride and his self-worth have become tied into this idea of him becoming a better king, a better version of God. But Michael is also in for a harsh awakening when he has to realize that his idea of merciful, the standard he held God to, isn’t actually all that fair and just. How will he handle coming to terms with the fact that he cannot always be “merciful” and does this make him a hypocrite? If he raised a sword against his Father because He was not merciful, how will he come to terms with the realization that he, as this God-like figure, cannot be supremely good? Will he even be able to realize it at all, and what will push him to that edge?

BROTHER, THE CORD TO THIS WORLD IS A FRAYED ROPE. More than ever, Michael needs his brothers. And, more than ever, he cannot let them in. Michael has always held his position higher than his relationships, but it is more apparent now than ever. He wants the respect from his brothers, because he knows if they can kneel before him so can anyone. But that desire is sharply contrasted by his need for their earnestness. He did not realize the weight their voices held inside of his head until he could no longer hear them freely. I would love to play with this dynamic of Michael feeling isolated and alone without his brothers to act as a soundboard for his thoughts versus believing if he shows his hand too much to them he cannot be respected. This relationship epitomizes Michael’s struggle with finding his footing as a leader and not just a follower of God.

THEN YOU KISSED ME—I FELT HOT WAX ON MY FOREHEAD. Michael’s relationship with Zadkiel is going to cause me physical pain. Zadkiel is the only person who can truly understand the emotional state that Michael has existed in for millennia. He is the only person who has dealt with the conditional love that God had when loving a tool he could wield. And, as a result, Michael has acted the same way towards Zadkiel as God did towards him. His love is conditional on Zadkiel following his orders. But he has held him in high esteem, sought him out, wanted him by their side. There is a bond there that cannot be touched. Zakiel is their reflection in so many ways, and it hurts to look in that mirror. There is this push in pull, that for so long has been for the better but might be souring now in the wake of Michael’s actions. Where he originally could not be soft, could not be vulnerable, in front of the cherubim despite how much it would help him, he really cannot now. He cannot show himself weak to Zadkiel—in the same way God could not to Michael. It is fully a product of how they both have been loved by God, and it does the pair of them injustice. Following the fall of God, Michael has distanced himself from Zadkiel because of how much he sees himself in the other. The weakness he thinks he sees in Zadkiel is just the weakness he sees himself, but his arrogance can’t let him recognize that fully. So instead, he pushes the angel away. Makes the gap between them almost unbreachable, until he breaks again and needs the validation of someone he is constantly searching for that conditional love. Just like he did with God. Zadkiel’s hurt is the biggest doubt that tugs at Michael’s soul. It’s the thing that lets the thought ‘I made a mistake’ keep coming back to him. I would love to see the few moments of “weakness” where Michael allows Zadkiel—and only him—to see the real him especially in a counterpoint to him holding the cherubim at a distance.

I SENSED IN MYSELF A POTENTIALITY FOR CORRUPTION THAT TOOK MY BREATH AWAY. Viktoria is a mistake, but not one he’s ready to admit. Michael’s concept of love is well and truly fucked, because he has only known love from God. And mostly God had conditions for love that were based solely on when Michael acted most as a sword—something inanimate—and not as something conscious and feeling. So when the flicker of something akin to lust flared to life upon looking at Viktora, Micahel mistakes it for love. Or, at the very least, affection. He wants her gaze on him, wants her smiles. So much so that he cannot look through the careful veneer she has crafted. It’s a level of foolishness that he has not ever had to deal with before. Never even known existed, because his concept of love has never involved this kind of ‘love’.

I TOO A CARNIVOROUS LAMB. In a completely selfish turn of events, I think Michael’s relationship with Salome might be the one of the few times that they can show how successful they are. In this period of doubt and chaos, Michael keeps coming up short and having to put on a brave face. But in their dealings with Salome, they are in their element. They can feel the power he used to have as the weapon in God’s right hand when they deals with the demon. They can feel their power. And that’s probably the reason they seeks her out so often. To feel the comfort in something known. To feel useful, powerful, correct.

IN-DEPTH

Motivation. 

LIKE MOST MISERY, IT STARTED WITH APPARENT HAPPINESS. In the beginning, Michael’s sense of duty was unfailing. His motivations started and ended with following God’s word. And while his heart may have whispered softly at rebellion and betrayal in the face of an unjust God, he didn’t dare take heed to any of it. Now, he misses that easy calm that caming with knowing one's duty. He misses the simplicity of following orders. He does not wish to return to being a tool for someone else, but god was it easier.

THE PAIN, THE BEAUTY: EQUALLY ACUTE, EQUALLY TRANSFIXING. The present is a chaotic time for Michael. There is blood on their hands, doubt in their heart, and all they can do is show their kingdom a solemn face. He struggles to keep the facade of this all knowing, all understanding figure head that he just slaughtered. It’s so damn hard when the chorus of ‘did you do wrong’ almost drowns out his thoughts. Michael, in his current situation, craves a validation of his actions that very few can give them. And maybe, he craves something a little more too.

IT MEANT TO CONSUME, TO ASSIMILATE, TO BECOME GOD. What comes next for the King of Caelum? There is ambition there, that lives just under the surface. Something that has maybe always been there, setting ablaze his soul, but he has never been ready to put a name to it. He still isn’t able to name it, but the threads of it are starting to work their way around him. He knows of mortals, of their fickle natures and how they cannot be left to govern themselves. He knows of demons, of their cruelness and how they all function better when they bow their heads to one person. That person used to be God, but Michael is starting to realize how it could—no, should be him. Because Michael remembers what it was like to be adored. God showed favor to many an angel. It was clear in His doting hand and soft words. Cassiel knew it in His allowance of her beauty. Arael knew it in God’s soft sighs. But it was perhaps Michael who knew it best. There is more love in the carpertener for their hammer than in their work. More adoration in the painter's brush than in the creation they makes. Something deep and dark in Michael craves that love again. Ambition feels almost unheard of in the hierarchy he is used to, but there it is, sitting at the base of his chest. And it will likely be the death of him.

Traits. 

HEROIC. Inspiring, brave, damn good at his job

CONSTANT. Calm in the face of chaos, unwavering in all actions

UNDERSTANDING. More merciful than he should be jk unless

ARCHAIC. Stick in the mud, old fashioned, proper. A pain in the ass to deal with.

PROUD. When God put you on a pedestal for that long it’s really hard to climb down yo

CRITICAL. I mean

SAMPLE

“all gods who receive homage are cruel.

all gods dispense suffering without reason.”

HOW TO FORGE A WEAPON

FIGURE 1.

It means something to be made. To be created in the eyes of God. To become something more, something good, something holy and something full of righteousness. All because God deemed it to be so. Around him, his brethren understand this. They feel it deep within themselves, as each and every one of them is handcrafted. But Michael is different. He is not simply made, because he is a weapon.

And, by God’s own hand, Michael is forged.

FIGURE 2.

God molds him. 

That he holds on to. The one truth he knows more than anything. God makes him. He makes him a weapon. Molds him into a sword. He crafts Michael solely as a tool to do His bidding, but He makes him all the same. So Michael follows without thought. A gift to his creator. 

Because a weapon only does.

They spends days upon days in practice, in battle. Besting angel upon angel. With every win, they sees God smile, and something warms sparks into life deep in the cold of their chest. Something physical. Something hot. It sets his body ablaze, empassions him to try more, to push harder. Michael flips the sword out of the grasp of his opponent, recognizing the move coming two steps before it happens. He doesn’t have to think, he only has to do.

 He’ll put a name to this feeling eventually. Later he will learn to understand what the fire in their soul means. But for now, he just stands in awe of his Father’s smile—a smile that is only for them and theirdeeds—and the warmth that it causes. It is the start of something dangerous for, what God fails to realize, that, out of nothing but sheer carelessness, He has taught his weapon to want.

And that? It’ll be the death of Him.

FIGURE 3.

He’s younger than he cares to admit and God gives them a bird. The world is still new. Bright and green in its creation. It’s perfect, Angels sing. Michael wants to agree but the mortals have already shown the treachery of their nature. And he has already learned how to cut down those who might have lifted their hand in blasphemy.

(Eve has taken the apple, Michael sharpens their sword.)

The bird is a falcon, and Michael names her Brenley. She is built for speed and her talons feel as sharp as the sword on his hip. He thinks he loves her, this fiercely delicate creature. She is his and he, in turn, hers. They travel the world together, witness the artistry and destruction God’s newest creations unfold. Michael stands an impartial beacon, watching it all.

Theoretically they know that Brenley is a test, as all things are with God. It is Michael’s first chance to deal with death. God showing him how mortality takes and takes and there is no stopping it. 

But birds live years. So they have time. They push the thoughts of tests and traps and their own shortcomings to the back of their mind. 

Brenley does not have years. She has only five and they are desperately short in the face of a millennia. 

With thoughts of death and endings locked away, he enters the world of man, a bird by his side. The moment is like any other. Nothing different from any number of times Michael has walked among the mortals. He is still learning of how crooked their nature is and yet how soft they can be. It still makes him smile. Brenley makes a single sound, a warning Michael does not understand, so their smile does not falter. Eyes find the bird, high amidst the trees, as the sound reaches their ears. A long low whistle, and then a snap. An arrow flies through the sky. It’s rudimentary, human made, but it does it’s job. Brenley stills. 

And then? Then she falls.

Like a rock, the bird drops from the sky. Her wings tucked to her, a nearly perfect and endless fall. Except it does. End. She hits the ground with a sound, sickening and hollow. He rushes to her side, but it’s too late. 

There is no life left in her.

There is a softness in his features and wetness in his eyes when he turns to the Father. The broken body of what once was settled gently in his hands. Michael is still too new to learn how to steel their face into the mask of iron befitting of the weapon they are. They don’t even know to try. He knows at least not to beg. He’s seen angel, mortal and demon beg God time and time again. Michael has seen the answer that follows. Michael has been the answer that follows.

So instead he asks. A simple word.

“Please.”

God just smiles and shakes his head. A solemn but distinctive no. There is a scream that wretches its way through his body, but when he opens his mouth, it does not come out. But it is not for the loss, this noise that threatens to deafen him. It is for the foolishness in thinking he might change God’s mind. The stupidity in thinking he could be more than an angel formed blade. 

There is no thought, no desire in steel. Nothing but the familiar cold of the pommel and a strong sense of duty.

Michael straightens his back, rigid and iron like. He buries a bird.

It’s the first time Michael truly deals in death. It’s the first time he lets death touch him. Later, when he’s picking away at the pieces of his soul, he’ll wish he’d never let it reach that deep. Because wound tightly around his heart, death holds tight.

It may never let them go.

FIGURE 4.

He remembers every lesson he has ever learned at God’s side. The ones that were easy are sweet and simple. The ones that came hard, something darker and richer. He remembers the ones that tasted bittersweet. He remembers victory and failure. And he remembers the Father’s smile when Michael had pleased Him. There are whispers amongst his brethren. They fall silent when they approach, but they do not sit at God’s right side for nothing. He hears them, and their discontent. They think he does not understand, and maybe they are right.

But what they have failed to realize is that Michael never forgets. Not even a single moment. 

And yet, he still asks.

The girl is only three and Michael cannot find the logic behind it. There are no sins that weigh down her soul, no wrong doings she is being held to. Her parents even are good people, loyal to God. All that means nothing but it causes the sting they feel upon looking at her to vibrate deep within them. There is no reason for her death beside the abject horror of it. All Michael can see when he looks at her is a bird plummeting to the ground, wings held too close. And when she cries, he can hear the sinking thud of something so very mortal slipping between his fingers. The sound of a bird that hit the ground.

So he asks, the want burning him up from the inside.

God just smiles and shakes his head.

A solemn but distinctive no.

Something inside of Michael breaks and he does not know how to fix it. Because God did not teach him this lesson. He must learn it on his own.

FIGURE 5.

At the end, it is not himself who needs convincing but the Cherubim by his side. Some of him has known this ending and its inevitability since the moment he first craved one damning smile. Michael just wishes it would hurt Zadkiel a little less. Wishes he could have understood the crueller nature of their Father—how it’s only ever led Zadkiel to pain—so much sooner. ‘Poor Zadkiel’, he’ll think, instead of ‘poor Michael’.

(He forces his brethren to withstand the weight of his emotions as well as their own.)

“Help me finish this.” It wants to be a command, Michael is so good at commanding. But in the shadow of what is about to come, he cannot stop himself from asking. He needs Zadkiel on his side, needs him to understand this is right.

This is right.

This is for the best.

Michael must kill God.

There is one small nod, one small validation, and it soothes the frantic beating of his heart. The thing that started this journey in the first place. It does not go unnoticed to him that it is something else, someone else, that finally settles them into action. He turns from the Cherubim, Zadkiel’s job is done. The doors swing wide on his command.

He is a weapon, forged for duty without mercy, and that is how he stands before Him. The blade to His throat comes quickly. Michael knows His every move before it comes. This is his Father, this is who first held a sword against him. And Michael has never forgotten.

So God falls.

The thunder shakes the ground on which he stands. It should feel like a victory, but as he hauls in one short breath, Michael feels hollow. He mistakes it for peace.

And then he sees it, a flash of silver to follow the body of the Father. He knows the blade as Zadkiel’s just as he knows his own. Something dark and heavy settles around his heart.

Weak. He thinks, and the thought weighs heavier on his head than the crown he just won.

“half gods are worshipped in wine and flowers

real gods require blood.”

Extras 

WINGS. From afar, Michael’s wings look soft and simple. A brilliant bronze and gold to rival that of his own weapon. But as one comes closer, it is clear that their wings are much more sinister in nature. Each “feather” is in fact a small, sharp weapon. The color of bronze fades way to the real metal. Michael’s wings, like all of him, are a weapon.

FIGHTING STYLE. At his side, Michael carries a sword. It has been his favored blade since gifted to him by God. It is more rapier than broadsword, and Michael favors a more elegant form of battle. He is a dueler by nature, the finesse of the craft allows for him to show off at one of the things he is most proficient at. But at the end of the day, Michael is a being made to destroy. Backed into a corner, he has the strength and fight to hold his own.

FASHION. There is an ease and simplicity to Michael’s style. Nothing is overstated. In fact, he looks almost subdued in the face of some of his brethren. But Michael knows his strengths, and it is the understated nature of his garments that draw the eye. Because, just when you think there is nothing to see, the intricate details of some fabric or the sparkle of something crystalline and expensive will catch the eye.

TAG. MOCKBLOG

[thingsihavelearnedadvice]

Things I have learned 2021

The Self

Figure yourself out

DNA

Genetics

Culture

Where you were raised

Political compass

Economic (left-right)

Social (Authoritarian-Libertarian)

Big 5 Personality Traits

Openness

Inventive/curious vs consistent/cautious

Conscientiousness

Efficient/organized vs extravagant/careless

Extraversion

Outgoing/energetic vs solitary/reserved

Agreeableness

Friendly/compassionate vs critical/rational

Neuroticism

Sensitive/nervous vs resilient/confident

Myers Briggs

Extroverted vs Introverted

Sensory vs Intuitive

Sensory:

Realistic, facts, and details

Apply common sense and past experiences for problem solving

Intuitive

Possibilities and big picture

Easily sees patterns, values innovation, seeks creative solution to problems

Thinkers vs feelers

Thinkers

Decisions using logical analysis

Feelers

Sensitive and cooperative. Decides based on their own personal values and how others will be affected by their actions

Judgers vs perceivers

Judgers

Organized, prepared, sticking to plans, comfortable following most rules

Perceivers

Prefer to keep options open.

Like to to be able to act spontaneously

Morality test

Care/harm

Fairness/cheating

Loyalty/betrayal

Authority/subversion

Sanctity/degradation

Liberty/oppression

Values

Pick from a list

Love language

Words of affirmation

Physical touch

Receiving Gifts

Quality Time

Acts of Service

Attachment style

Secure

Trust easily, emotional attuned, can communicate upsets directly, cooperative and flexible behavior in relationships

Anxious

Sensitive nervous system

Struggles communicating directly

Tends to act out when triggered

Avoidant: Dismissive

Downplays importance of relationships

Extremely self reliant

Can become more vulnerable in a big crisis

Avoidant: Fearful

More dependent on relationships than dismissive

Strongly fears rejection

Has low self esteem

Has high anxiety in relationships

Happiness and its components

Momentary mood

How you feel right now

Life satisfaction

Your evaluation of your life

Assessment of specific life domains

Work, relationships, finances, health, etc

People

Be aware of narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths

All of these types of people are devoid of empathy

Narcissistic: 1% of general population

Sociopaths: 4% of general population

Psychopaths: 1% of general population

The dark Triad

Narcissism: grandiosity, pride, and lack of empathy

Machiavellianism: manipulation and exploitation of others

Psychopathy: antisocial behavior, impulsivity, callous, selfish, and remorselessness

Borderline personality disorder

Fear of abandonment

Unstable relationships

Unclear self image

Impulsive, self destructive behaviors

Self harm

Extreme emotional swings

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Explosive anger

Feeling out of touch with reality

Relationships

Marriage is sacred

Red Flags

Difficulty being yourself

Not for you

No trust

Low communication

If they cheated once, they are 350% more likely to cheat again.

In order to be in a relationship you need to be free of major flaws.

Controlling, abandonment anxiety, physical abuse, addiction, etc

Choosing a Partner

Must be at least compatible in the Big 5 Personality Traits (within 50%)

Must be at least compatible in the Myers Briggs personality traits test (within 50%)

Empathy

Trust

Physical attraction

Emotional depth

Intellectual compatibility

Shared activities

Productive conflict

fight, flight, or freeze vs solving problems and letting go. Attacking the argument, not the person. While angry love is still clear. It gets better with time.

Affection

Similar financial values

Commitment

Spending time together/effort in relationship

Positive to negative ratio should be between 5:1 - 11:1

Any more and any less is not good because it's too negative or the other person doesn’t contend with you and doesn't help you grow.

Clear guidelines for a relationship

It is almost impossible for relationships to work without the proper social guidelines

Attraction

Similarity

First and foremost we select individuals who share characteristics with us.

Self disclosure

We connect deeply with those we can share our thoughts without reprisal, acceptance, and low risk. Trust.

Proximity

How close they are to us matters in the frequency we come into contact with them.

Be with an XNFJ

Raising Children

Preventing Spoiledness:

Wait one year to buy them ANYTHING

At 16 years old stop buying them nonessentials

Essentials: clothes, food, school supplies, hobby supplies

Reward failures when they try

Critical Periods and Teratogens

Neural development is the first to form, even before heart and limbs.

1-2 weeks the child is likely to be lost if abnormalities occur.

3-8 weeks abnormalities will be major.

9-38 weeks abnormalities will be minor.

Teratogens: environmental factors that could lead to birth defects.

Alcohol

It affects the development of the nervous system. It can get through the blood barrier of the placenta. The alcohol cannot be metabolized by the fetus, thus it stays longer.

It affects neuron migration the most. This condition can cause cortical dysplasia, this happens when neurons fail to migrate.

Cortical dysplasia: makes it so the affected area of the brain is lacking the neural connections to function properly. This causes SEIZURES.

Tobacco

Prescription and over the counter medications

Illicit drugs

Pollutants

Toxoplasmosis

STDs

HIV

German measles

Mothers over 35

Teenage pregnancy

Gestational diabetes

High blood pressure

Rh disease (type of anemia)

Weight gain

Stress

Depression

Paternal impact

Advice/Tips

To be a man means to have self control

Don’t allow anger, sadness, or even happiness to take hold of you and allow you to get carried away

Don’t allow sexual urges to have dominion over you, but have dominion over it.

There usually is no right or wrong, just differences

So find those who are like you.

Trade pleasure & materialism for responsibility

Dopamine: pleasure seeking chemical in the brain

Serotonin: content feeling chemical in the brain

Dopamine and serotonin are inversely correlated. Chase responsibility and self improvement in every sense.

Frontal cortex vs limbic system

Frontal cortex is decision making, self control, and intelligence

Limbic system is more primitive, it wants and craves pleasure like food, sleep, and sex

Listen to the frontal cortex!

Control your urges, or become a slave to them.

Strive to be your best

Intellectually

Emotionally

In intrapersonal relationships

Body

Spirit

If you are upset and overwhelmed leave the situation/environment

Empathy is beautiful but you need enough logic to leave a person that is abusing your empathy.

Don’t do drugs or alcohol.

Earlier the initiation of drugs and alcohol the higher the chance for addiction.

Drugs and alcohol permanently affect neural development which occurs from birth to 30 years old.

There are large changes from gray to white matter during the developing years.

This change allows for:

Enhanced information processing, which is required for complex cognitive abilities

This development generally begins from the posterior regions to anterior regions of the brain. Limbic vs prefrontal cortex.

Increases frequency if risky behaviors

Contributes to adult health problems like:

Heart disease

High blood pressure

Sleep disorders

You become the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.

There is nothing more important than relationships, so choose wisely!

Happiness: Perma

Positive emotion

What we feel (happiness, warm, etc)

Engagement

Being absorbed by stimulating activities

Relationships

That are positive, nurturing, and rewarding

Meaning

Serving a purpose larger than oneself

Accomplishment

Pursuit of achievement and mastery

Happiness strategies

Focus on problem solving, not just venting

Take time to make quality relationships with good people

Practice gratitude

Random acts of kindness

Attend to others mindfully and practice compassion and empathy

Be kind to yourself and not too perfectionistic

Set goals that provide structure and purpose

Build motivation from within and not from the environment

Seek healthy challenges, to push you past your boundaries

Focus on what you have instead of what you desire (anti-materialism)

Avoid temptation to complain and instead be optimistic

Curing depression

give someone structure. Have them create all the pillars necessary to build a foundation for a happy life. (Job, gf, friends, etc)

Responsibility vs no responsibility

Responsibility causes suffering but gives meaning to life

No responsibility causes no suffering but gives no meaning to life which then causes suffering

The point is to live life in a way that it is worth suffering

Those with a moral structure are happier.

Those with less options are happier. When you have too many options you cannot decide. When life is too good it becomes unclear on what to do with your life.

Sleep schedule, regular circadian rhythm

Don’t get overwhelmed by the scale of things. Just focus on finding your community.

Save more than you spend

If you have no problems, you will create your own suffering

Do not give your children everything. According to their age, support them less and less and only support them emotionally.

Practice admitting you are wrong. Don’t let anybody make you feel bad for it

Health

Diet

Avoid: sugars, gluten, processed meats, fast food, too many carbohydrates, and antibiotics

It causes inflammation in the body, fat, and lowers good hormones.

Exercise

Cardio and weight lifting

Rest

3 days of rest a week

7 hours of sleep. At the same time everyday.

Hygiene

Showering

Trimming

Soap

Deodorant

Cologne

Skin care

When things are overwhelming, do what you are willing to do no matter how small.

Does the environment affect you, or do you affect the environment?

You can validate someone’s feelings and not justify someone’s feelings.

Focus on the things you can control.

You cannot control people

Find those who are like minded

Ignore those who are not.

So you don’t get upset or emotionally drained because you can’t change people to think or believe the things you do.

You have to have purpose. You have to have something you believe in. You have to follow your values and morals. You have to have goals.

If not you will be lost, get hurt, hurt others, be depressed, and your life will have no meaning.

Create a lineage of XNFJ

Don’t trust anybody without them first earning it

Define social constructs/biology

Gender: social characteristics of sex

Sex: biological determinant for female and male

Practical Facts

Happiness is dependent on

Genetics 50%

Circumstance 10%

Sex, ethnicity, income, education

Intentional activity 40%

Behavioral choices and thinking patterns

Positive emotion makes people impulsive.

The impulsivity can ruin your life

Impulsivity does not affect IQ.

Happiness should be balanced because it should reflect the state of the world.

The world is not puppies and rainbows, if we are only happy then we will be ill equipped for the world.

Compiled data on human development and genetics

1. Haplogroup R1b is the biggest determinant for human development

Brain Develops from birth to 30s.

Limbic system: reward center of the brain. Regulates emotions.

Prefrontal cortex: executive functioning and decision making

You cannot create your own morality. You can co create and discover your morality.

If you could then you wouldn’t ever be bothered by your conscience.

Feeling guilt, hurt, sad, etc are signs that we are most likely not doing the right thing morally.

[itisyouandalwaysbeenyou-blog]

rejected

It's hard but it happens.

And it hurts.

You love someone who may have loved you once upon a time.

Or

You love someone who acted like there was a possibility of love in return, but now there's not.

Or

You love someone who simply doesn't feel the same way and isn't going to feel the same way.

Ever.

Or

You loved someone deeply who loved you deeply and then this person just switched off and hurt you in ways that were unimaginable at the height of your mutual love.

Or

This person loved you and you loved them but then someone new came along and they left. Friends tell you that you are better than this new person in every way. But your ex is still with Mr. or Ms. New Thing.

Whatever the situation, you're left with excruciating pain.

As you walk through your days, zombie-like, all you can do is review the exchanges over and over in your mind. Where did it go wrong or fail to go right? What should I have done that I didn't? What did I do that I  shouldn't have? The perseveration drives you crazy. You’re not eating, you’re not sleeping. You’re a weepy mess. You feel rejected and less than. You feel as if there is something really wrong with you. You wonder what you could do to MAKE this person want you.

If your love is with a new person who doesn't come close to being what you are, you cannot understand it. Your ex is blind to the flaws and foibles of the new love. In fact, your ex is enthralled by someone who doesn't seem to come close to being what you are. You're convinced they traded down. Whenever you think about them together, your mind shuts off or you crumble completely. You feel as if you are going crazy.

When there is nothing or no one else, it is even harder to fathom. Your mate just fell out of love one day or failed to fall in love on the day you did. They have stumbled and stuttered through explanations but nothing is going to make you feel better except for, “I love you and want to come back.”

Even more baffling is possibility that the person just wants to be left alone. There isn't someone else; there's no real reason. Your lover simply said, “I just want out.” Your mind reels with astonishment, “Wait. You're choosing NOTHING over me? What?”

Perhaps you promised each other if this ever happened, you will seek counseling but now that idea is refused. Perhaps, once upon a time, your love said it was impossible to “just” fall out of love with someone but now that has happened. What happened to those promises of solidarity?  What happened to the disbelief that someone could do what is now being done? What happened to the person who seemed so crazy about you? Where did your secure feelings of mutual love go? Who would willingly choose this nightmare? What planet have you stumbled onto?  Where is life as you know it?

Perhaps your ex has spiraled into some other unexpected mindset. They've taken up excessive partying or drugs and alcohol or gambling. Perhaps they’re depressed or upset or self-absorbed in some way. They have cheated or abused you or acted terribly and now, instead wanting forgiveness, they want out. The bad actor is now stomping on your forgiving heart. How can that be?

Sometimes someone experiences a major life event and has trouble bouncing back from it. It can be an accident, a death in the family or the loss of a job. No matter what, it’s clear that something terrible has happened. You offer to help; you beg to help. You ask, “Don't you want someone to help carry the burden?” It’s clear that they do not.

In almost all these rejection scenarios, the first reaction is disbelief. I refuse to believe this! This can’t be! You come up with a million reasons for this behavior, none of which have to do with how they feel about you. It’s a mid-life crisis (no matter the age), it’s a flirtationfrom work that will end soon. It’s a misstep on the way to a happy life with me. It will all be over soon. I just need to wait it out. I’ve heard stories of this sort of thing and everything works out in the end. There are movies where it works out, and books where it works out. Certainly it can work out in real life. Can’t it?

All you can think about is how you are meant to be and how you have both been happy either as lovers or friends. It could have been yesterday or last week, last year or ten years ago. Still, your mind takes you back there every minute of every day when you both were happy.

The first throes of rejection are really difficult to get through. You’re angry, you’re hurt, your personality is draining away along with your sense of humor. You are boring all your friends and family with sad stories of unrequited love. You trudge instead of walk; you sob instead of cry, you bellow instead of talk. You have deep, dark circles under your eyes. Time is slipping away. Your life is rushing by. You are sure you’ll never be happy again or find someone else to love.

You go back and forth between trying to accept it and denying that it’s true. You float in the in-between world of denial. Something will change. This is a phase. This is temporary. I'll just sit here and wait for my love to smarten up and see the light. That is what I will do.

Another part of you feels the need to do something. You’re not sure what, but you know you can’t just sit there. Your mind refuses to shut off, and the many options play out in your head.

I will change things. I will call or text. We will get into a big emotional conversation and I will be very persuasive as to how this is all wrong. We belong together! No, no. . . . I will go out and take a bunch of selfies of me doing fun things and post on social media. “Look! It's me having a great time without you! Don't you miss the FUN me?” That will win them back!  Wait!  I'll hint that there is someone else. I'll make up a Facebook person and have that person make flirty comments on my page! No, hold on. I may be losing my mind because….texting is better. I'll “accidentally” text my ex and make it seem like I was texting a new love interest. . . . then I'll apologize. . . yeah, that's it. Wait. . . no. . . yes. . . ! You strive to think of something—crazy, sane and in-between—that will cause a massive reboot of your ex's mind and put the relationship back together.

Before you do anything at all, please take a step back. Breathe and take a seat. You don't want to have to babysit someone's brain. If they can't figure it out on their own, coming up with the most clever phrases and persuasive arguments isn't going to help. You might pin them down for a while, but who wants to chance that they are going to drift back to a breakup mindset? When you're wrapped up in espionage mode or creative ways to convince your ex of something they don't really want to be convinced of, you forget that “winning” the battle for the ex’s common sense is a temporary state. You shouldn't have to babysit the neurons inside someone's head lest they get caught up in wacky world of breaking up with you. No. Let them go and let all the grandstanding scenarios disappear from your life. You don't need someone who isn’t smart enough to see how valuable you are. Let it go.

Yes, that’s right. It’s time to let it go completely and do something new. It’s time to think about it differently. It’s time to renew, reverse and reject the rejecter.

It's hard to let it go. Hard but do-able. It’s hard to do nothing, but that is the best thing to be doing. Save your dignity and your sanity and do nothing. First, it’s important to believe the breakup has happened. It’s happened. You’ve been rejected. Accept it for what it is. Let it slowly sink in and try to do the hardest thing there is to do: Nothing. Doing nothing in a situation like this takes energy. It takes a lot of energy. You will think you spend all your time NOT doing something, because that is exactly what you’re doing.

Many times we try to change the situation to stave off the feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal and rejection. When we let go the idea of changing things, the feelings start to surface.

In addition to the normal feelings of grief, rejection brings with it negative self-talk and lowered self-esteem and self-respect. You might feel like a loser and start to drift back to the idea of doing something. This time, instead of trying to do something to them, you’ll do something to you. Your mind races with ideas:

I'll be quieter, thinner, happier. I won't complain so much. I won't rock the boat. I'll like the insufferable family and friends that I couldn't stand. I'll go back to school. I'll stop going to school. I'll wear different clothes. I'll buy a new car. I'll get those allergy shots so I can be around that cat. I'll work in a different industry. I'll muzzle my kids. I'll clean more. I'll clean less. I'll cook gourmet meals. I'll listen when spoken to. I'll go to bed earlier. I'll go to bed later. I'll go to church. I'll stop going to church. I'll pray. I'll bargain with God. Dear Higher Power: If you put my relationship back together, I'll help the poor. I'll devote myself to the eradication of world hunger. I'll give my next paycheck to the church. I'll join the Peace Corps. I'll do anything, ANYTHING, if only You make this person come back. I'll be everything You want me to be or everything this person wants me to be. I'll do it all. I'll do nothing. I'll be more. I'll be less. I'll be everything and anything other than what I'm being right now. I'll turn myself inside out to be the person he or she will love. I can do it. I will do it. I'll work with sick children, I'll go to church, I'll help the homeless...I'll....

STOP!!!!

Stop right there. Purge yourself of all thoughts like this. Stop making promises to a Supreme Being to become a saint if only you win your love back. It’s time to go back to acceptance and doing nothing. Right now, it’s time to reject the rejecter.

Forget about changing for someone else. Forget about bargaining for what you should have without bribing a Higher Power. Forget about changing your whole life just so someone who doesn't appreciate you and your worth will love you. Forget it!

The first thing you need to do is to take it in stride. Taking it in stride means telling yourself that you are okay no matter what. Yes, there might be things that need improvement but it is a lovable, worthwhile person who is willing to look at those things and change them. And if this person does not value all that you are and all that you can be there is only one sentiment that makes sense: reject the rejecter.

It is time to reject the rejecter and the notion that you are expendable. Their rejection has led you to believe you’re not worthwhile. That is not true and whatever your ex belie es or fails to see is not your problem.

You want someone who believes you are the be-all, end-all, not someone who finds you optional. You don’t want someone who doesn’t appreciate how great you are. You want someone with vision who will appreciate all that you are and all that you can be. You want someone who will love you and think you are the best thing ever. You don’t want to waste time with anyone who doesn’t see how great you are or has to be convinced of it.

Perhaps your ex does know how awesome you are but is not in a place to be in the relationship. It’s not about you, but about the inability to handle stressors. That isn’t a reason to give them a break. This is someone who hurt you for whatever reason and can’t deal with life and their life partner at the same time.

A wonderful, fully functioning partner can love you no matter what happens. That is the person you want to be with. Let your ex be. It’s not the right time for the two of you, and there is nothing you can do about it. It's hard and it hurts, but gently let it go.  

Until that love comes from a romantic partner who values you and sees how wonderful you are, get that love from family, friends and yourself. You MUST be good to yourself as you move on from someone who does not value you enough to want an exclusive, romantic relationship with you. Get on with your life and become the person you always wanted to be.

Every relationship is a learning experience. We learn what parts of us could use improvement. But not because this person found them unattractive or irritating but because you find them unattractive or irritating.

It’s time to work on you and to look at how you arrived at this point. It’s time to take away the “wonderful” memories of your ex from long ago and replace them with what is happening now, which is rejection. It’s time to put the focus on you and learn from past mistakes, including this one. It’s hard to think of this relationship as a mistake, but you will.

Think about the answers to these questions. What did you do in this relationship or around this person (if you weren't in a relationship) that could improve? What patterns do you have in relationships? Has this happened before?  When has it happened?  How has it happened?

When you are leaving a relationship where someone doesn't love you anymore or failing to move further in a relationship because someone won't or can't love you or not getting into a relationship because someone isn't attracted to you, there is a HIT to the self-esteem. It's a rejection that stings. It’s time to let go of damaging self-assessment and get on with positive self-assessment. This exercise is not to beat you up but to help you see where your relationships are going wrong and to do something about the one thing you can do something about: you.

We all want someone to share life's sorrows and joys day in and day out. If this person can't do it, we need someone who will. Perhaps your ex has a fear of commitment or this simply isn’t the right one. Perhaps there is something more troubling such as narcissismor a personality disorder. It helps to see what may be keeping them stuck and to accept that it’s not changing any time soon. Too often people hold out hope that the person will change, see the error of their ways, go to counseling and come back to the relationship. That’s a fantasy that usually doesn’t happen. It’s time to let that one go. A person who walks out or puts you on hold or wants you in “just friends” status is not that person. Anyone who has rejected you in any way, for any reason, is not for you..

Stop re-injuring yourself with questions about what is wrong with you that they don’t want you. It’s time to work on you, but not for them, for you and the possibility of real love down the line. Stop focusing on what was and think about what is and what will be. Reject this rejecter and every rejecter that came before. Do your affirmations. Know that you are worth it.

Even if you love this person, this person does not love you. . . . and the person for you will love you. Deeply and Completely.

It exists.

It happens.

It is possible.

In the meantime you must take time out to explore your issues, be good to you, know your value, understand your value and get your value from inside you and not outside. Be good to you. Move on from rejection. Feel your feelings. Reject the rejecter. Celebrate the you that is you. And know that the right person for you is out there. Reject the Rejecter and embrace all that is you. . . the good is waiting for you. Believe it.