#just copypasted from my rambles and edited it a little

[cyberpunk-20xx]

Kerry's situation is a very painful reminder of how fucked up the game's canon society is, even to the rich people. Which is maybe my biggest gripe with the game. A game where I'm not given even the slightlest chance to change shit around me, a game that's just so pessimistic and cruel in how it treats its characters, so hopeless, is not punk. but that's smth else entirely to talk about.

Back to Kerry. He's less suicidal at the end of the game when V reached out and helped some to sooth his trauma about Johnny, even if one could argue it's maybe just, well, putting him back where he started or indulging a toxic fixation. Depends on your interpretation. But his situation hasn't actually changed, he's still held by his label in a death grip, even if at least his current manager's supposedly out of the picture. But even that i don't believe. All we know for sure is that we burned his yatch. Like. Kerry tells us that his MSM Record manager (can't remember his name and be bothered to check) makes him drink on purpose to get him to sign shit, which is blatant abuse and all we get to do is fucking burn a boat? Let me make the dude a corpse, even if you make me have to work for it jfc.

I really love when fanfic writers actually address that issue btw, because it really hurts me to think about him being left in this bullshit. And in so many endings we know his situation is less than ideal even with V.

Kerry's profound unhappiness is visible in many ways: the state of his house, his insinuated addictions, his impulsive, self-destructive behaviors, his tendency to lash out and paranoia to assume people are against him, and overall defensiveness, his fear of the unknown, his clinging to fame, his refusal to see his kids, his mentioned and hinted suicide attempts. He's a guy who, at 89, doesn't seem to me like he knows what he wants, what he needs.

Personally, it both hurts me and makes me really like him, because I find him relatable in how he reacts to despair. In that aspect, I find him very well-written, even if a lot of shitty tropes and pop star stereotypes are used. Yes, pop stars one.

(One other thing that's devastating about Kerry is that he's a rocker, but he doesn't act like one, according to his own definition (which seems to really just be Johnny's shitty macho definition altho it's a whole label that precedes both of them in the TTRPG lore). Which wouldn't be a problem to me if he also didn't find the genre inferior to rock.)

But what fucks me up the most is that he's dealing with despair at all, when out of the four LIs, he's the one that has the safest, most stable life. Hell, he could even easily leave Night City and never look back, and still create, he's got the money for it, it might sound terribly materialistic of me but the man has enough money to just no longer be dealing with all this shit. But he's stuck there because even at nearly fucking nine decades of life, he's not yet felt seen, heard, or acknowledged. He's still scrambling for his roots and something to look forward at once.

Kerry is 89 and has the self-esteem of a 23 years old still.

If I just listen to my basest instincts, I blame Johnny for a lot of that, but that's the easy way, actually. If I actually think about it, Kerry's responsible of his own life too, and Johnny got nothing to do with how he feels out of touch with his Filipino roots, or him being a burnt out rockstar, Johnny is not that powerful at all, and mostly I blame Arasaka and the corps, and i blame the music industry in the game especially actually, i blame the media and the fans for how Kerry bit by bit stops feeling human in the spotlight, but the thing is, it's harder to be angry at those, even in game. Because we're not actually given meaningful ways to do something about inequality in game, and when you're unable to fight something, your brain becomes apathetic to it. It's just a survival thing. my brain does that a lot. i prize my anger a lot because of that (probably why i am so attached to Johnny tbh).

I think Kerry craves to be seen as the man he is, but his ways to try and fix that is to feed the demigod image his career upholds. I'm mad we can't do something about it, nor see the change he deserves happen. I'm mad a game with "punk" in its name is so hopeless and cynical.

[splynter]

FUCKIN LONGASS RANT ABOUT DYEMMIT AND PARTY SETTING

It's very long. I'm so sorry. I'm not editing most of this, it's just copypasted from my deranged Discord rambles

Okay so like imagine. Imagine. Huge and exclusive party at Club Dyode hosted by the groovemaster himself. Craziest fuckin event because of course he has to go all out for it. Wild food and wilder guests and it's the richest event of the season basically. And of course Dyode invites Emmit, and tbh it was hardly an invite because wdym, why wouldn't Emmit be there??

Dyode's running around preparing this thing, and Emmit's following him around like "Is he gonna… is he gonna invite me? Surely I am invited? Should I not assume that??" BUT THE THING IS. DYODE ISN'T EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT. CUZ THEY'RE ALREADY TOGETHER ALMOST ALL THE TIME. WHY WOULDN'T EMMIT COME?? TO HIM IT'S A GIVEN. LIKE DUH. OF COURSE EMMIT IS GONNA BE THERE

But it probably comes into almost a misunderstanding (ALMOST cuz generally I don't like misunderstandings that turn into " >:((( im mad at you") where Emmit is confused and upset in his room before the party, spiraling over why Dyode decided not to invite him. And then Dyode calls him and is like "Hey, Emmit! Are you ready? Are you here yet??"

And Emmit is like "what-" THE PARTY BRO. DYODE EXPECTS YOU AT THE FUCKIN PARTY And so he's like shinji chair cuz god fucking dammit it was a Dyode moment. A HUGE FUCKING INFATUATED RELIEF, but god damn that despair for a minute

Thinking too about the party itself like- Okay okay I gotta lay out my thoughts cuz I have several

Emmit socializing thoughts

Dyode socializing but favoritism

Gay things

A L C O H O L.

Aftermath at Dyode's house

Okay so First I think things kinda even out for Emmit once he realizes that yeah, Dyode wants him here, and yeah he actually fits in this setting. He's got an interesting mixture of feelings of inadequacy PLUS a strong desire to become the next groovemaster, so I think that while he does have moments where he's like "I am the worst and I don't fit and what the fuck is wrong with me why can't I do this-" he's still pretty capable when he doesn't get into his own head about it. He's still willing to be forward and to speak up and all that. He translates/speaks for Dyode a lot after all

THAT plus his clear passion for dance and the stage means that I doubt he'd be uncomfortable or feel out of place in a party setting, barring the social expectations of being Dyode's student and all. He might not be Accustomed to them at first but he's pretty adaptive and he's got a knack for socializing with people. He's got a different vibe to his sincerity than Dyode does. They're both earnest in different ways

ANYWAYS WITH ALL OF THAT SAID I think Emmit really enjoys the party once the turmoil is gone, even if at the same time I don't think he knows many of the people directly. This is Dyode's party after all. Emmit is Dyode's student but I don't think he directly interacts with a lot of rich/showbiz people outside of accompanying Dyode. The spotlight is usually on the groovemaster you know. So in this setting he's probably either trailing behind Dyode still, OR finding his little corner to vibe and take notes on what he sees Dyode doing with the party. You know. For Learning of course

Still a student. Still trying to learn from the master. Even if observing said master also means he's watching how Dyode moves, talks, acts, all in close and mesmerizing detail. Whoops, that attraction do be

SPEAKING OF DYODE. Of course the king of dance knows how to party, both with hosting and keeping it up. Man might be weird af but he clearly knows how to bring people together and show them a good time. I bet he's the type to pull people who look like they're alone or lonely onto the dance floor and be like "YOU GOT THIS" or whatever. Yk those types in movies. He's like that.

Like boundless energy too, what the fuck. This man will not sit still for god I swear to fuck. Spinning from one person to the next, and if he's not doing stuff individually he's performing for the party. Both present in the party and also swept up in his little world amidst the music and groove and the fuckin energy the whole party gives him. This is his ELEMENT. What he LIVES FOR. This is what he built Club Dyode for, as well what as his whole CAREER revolves around.

That's not to say I think he's working constantly during the whole party. It's a PARTY he can have fun too. Which means he's absolutely hanging around Emmit half of the time. He might spin away to do who knows what, but he'll always whirl back to his student. His dance partner. Almost like Emmit is his center of gravity. I bet he introduces Emmit to some important people at the party, talking all proud like this is EMMIT he is my APPRENTICE and he does SICK MOVES just like ME. All sunshine and smiles and pride behind his sunglasses.

He'd let loose a little at the party, but you know, it's still HIS PARTY. He's the HOST. So he's gotta do some shit yk. Dealing with problems and drama and shit, but always always he goes back to Emmit. Always his rest ends up being with his apprentice, who is equally as open to him being there. The downtime between shows and socializing happens with him and Emmit. How odd that it rejuvenates him more than most things. How odd, how natural that he can feel almost looser with Emmit supporting by his side. Like harmony

So about the gay things. Cuz you just fucking know they're absolutely deranged about each other especially in this scenario. Like I'm talking constant sneaking looks or outright staring, leaning in real close to hear each other cuz it's too fuckin loud, DANCING TOGETHER FAST AND SLOW, all that good shit. There's obviously a pattern with their shit: either Emmit is alone and kinda vibing or Dyode is with him and the world is just fucking nonexistent. Fuck all the other guests ig, no one else exists. Emmit watches Dyode do his thing and it's actually brilliant and then he gets pulled back into that light and it's like "oh. Oh…."

Special song comes on? Bye, Dyode is grabbing Emmit's hand and leading him into a dance at the center of the stage and everything else, everyone else doesn't matter. All the guests, all the ones who aren't already preoccupied, might think this is part of a performance, that the groovemaster and his apprentice dancing under the spotlight is rehearsed and practiced. But no. None of this is planned, not this part. The perfect synchronization, the hand in hand rhythm, the rush of dance and step and harmony…. they're just fucking LIKE THAT. THEY'RE JUST THAT IN TUNE WITH EACH OTHER

And when the song ends, and Dyode finishes it off with a deep dip with Emmit, faces close and blood rushing fast and breath hot and electrified, when sparks fly between them and they're both in clear focus…. ohhhhh none of them are normal

EVEN IF THEY MOVE BACK AFTER. EVEN IF THEY GO BACK TO THE PARTY,,, THAT MOMENT WILL NOT LEAVE THEIR MINDS FOR DAYS. IT'S LIKE THAT CONSTANTLY. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THEY DON'T KISS YET

Now, it's time to blow up Nintendo by adding alcohol to the mix, cuz obviously Club Dyode would be that kind of establishment, and I don't doubt Dyode would include some wild drinks in his parties. Also, see I'm a sucker for the alcohol trope. Yk the ones where they gotta take care of the other cuz they're wasted, and drunken things get said, and ohhhh god now they gotta deal with the aftermath of that.

So like. Two different scenarios of course, cuz it's so much more fun to explore the scenario with them both cuz AUGH THEY'RE BOTH SO GOOD.

Anyways first and the more likely scenario is Emmit getting the drinks (cuz yk. Dyode's the host). This gives me adjacent drunk headcanons btw heehee. Anyways usually the default headcanon for this sort of thing is like one of them has good alcohol tolerance while the other is a lightweight, which I kinda get but like. I can't really see Emmit being a lightweight, yk? I think he's pretty good in the tolerance department, even though I doubt he drinks much in public. In my mind he keeps most of his stuff close to him, if that makes any sense.

Anyways it would be realllyyyyyy interesting if Emmit was a giggly, kinda up in your face drunk. Like yk, inhibitions gone, he's not worried about keeping to his professional upkeep bubble, he's enjoying himself and he's comfy and he's gonna flop on you. And by you I mean Dyode. Like straight up Dyode will be weighed down by this wasted little fuck and yapped to like there's no tomorrow.

Whole different side of Emmit, one that wants a lot of things and thinks he can do it but the alcohol makes moving so hard and he likes Dyode, he really likes Dyode, and he's really nice to lean on and talk to and hold onto and dance with and wow he feels good and relaxed and-

AND AT LEAST DYODE IS OBSERVANT ENOUGH TO KNOW DRUNK WHEN HE SEES DRUNK. But I think he'd find this fascinating. Like he'd probably love to vibe and listen to Emmit yap with new fervor, letting the guy talk himself for once. Get a new perspective until Emmit isn't really able to make much sense anymore. Dyode is more likely to take it all in stride, n just take Emmit to somewhere quiet Dyode's room once it looks like he's partied enough. Soft things

On the Dyode side of things it's a little more complicated to figure out I think. Comes with the performer's spirit I think to be good at keeping composure even when there's shit fuckin with you. AND IT'S NOT LIKE THE HAIR WAX- The vibes are still right, everything else is still in place, there's just alcohol in the mix now.

I think he has slightly more tolerance than Emmit, but even if he didn't I think the change would be more subtle regardless. Similar to how he goes weirdly quiet when sick/feverish, I kinda like the idea that he kinda vibes when he drinks. Like he kinda gets immersed and lost in his surroundings in a different way, making him quieter and a little stiller. Zoning out under the beat. No thoughts, head empty things, one that would probably make him seem almost unapproachable behind those sunglasses if you didn't know him more closely.

Man. Just imagining like, him setting down his drink and executing a more serious, almost intense dance. One that he normally wouldn't do, with the energy more subdued and searing like red hot coals, silent and definitely drunk but clearly still perfectly in tune with it all. Drunk Dyode is like hot red coals and a singular stream of water and the volume turned to max on a speaker that isn’t playing any music. You feel it more than anything else. Like oh my god I think the intensity would kill everyone.

LIKE EXPRESSIONLESS, DISTANT BUT FIERY LOOK BEHIND HIS SUNGLASSES, NOT A SOUND FROM HIM EXCEPT HIS FEET ON THE FLOOR AND HIS EVEN BREATHING AND HIS RHYTHM THAT DOESN'T FUCKIN FALTER DESPITE INTOXICATION.

And Emmit would probably be concerned, of course. Unsure how to compartmentalize this type of Dyode behavior in his brain cuz this kind of thing is probably rare. And of course he'd want to help and preserve Dyode's image, prolly try to nudge him somewhere private a lot sooner than Dyode would with him. Worrying about Dyode's health, hangover, whatever the FUCk this behavior is, all that shit.

But ohhhh my god. When that intensity follows when Emmit helps him away,,, when there's nothing between them but empty air,,, when no one else is around and Dyode is warm and something feels different and amplified…

So the aftermath. Whether the alcohol part happens or not, the party ends with Emmit staying over at Dyode's house. It's too late at night, Emmit stuck around to help clean up, and in the end it made sense that he'd stay, right? Of course a wild party with emotions running high and energy winding low would end with Emmit being swept to Dyode's private rooms without ever truly realizing what's happening until he's already there. Sitting on one of Dyode's couches, reeling with adrenaline and late night foggy thoughts. He was supposed to help clean up, he thought. That's what he does, right? But oh yeah, the other employees,,,

Dyode comes out of his room in more comfortable attire, rich and fluffy robes and comfy slippers, and he brings similar clothes for Emmit. Yes it's fine to change here. Yes he can just borrow Dyode's clothes, he's being handed them, isn't he? Changing is a haze, he's tired and sore. But the clothes are warm and soft, rich and well made, and they smell like Dyode. Soothing in so many ways. It's quieter in Dyode's house, when the speakers play soft music from Dyode's vinyls and the lights are dimmed under moonlight, and Dyode holds his hand as they walk through lavish halls to Dyode's guest suite. Emmit has stayed there before several times. He's still not used to it, it's not his room after all.

Yet it feels a little more like his room when Dyode is beside him, when the air is still and gentle, when everything is finally done. They're both exhausted, they both are done moving and speaking. Soft touches lead them closer, warm murmurs break the silence into purple pieces, all gentleness and effortless understanding. They lean on each other like they were made to be there, they hold on like their bond could never let them go. They fall asleep together so naturally, fitted against each other like puzzle pieces. No one wakes them for work the next morning. They get to have this

[nemofil]

i have a LOOOT of hollow knight thoughts because i recently opened up the game and started playing but err. copypasting some analysis(? it's more me rambling and hallucinating a game of connect-the-dots. still fun though)

i also want to mention this post which literally changed my brain chemistry and sort of spurred me to think about lost kin a little bit more. give it a read!

tl;dr: lost kin's inclusion in p4, alongside the general "theme" of the other combatants (the desire to strive/search and attain something, and how it ultimately destroys them, for one) within the pantheon, which strangely seems to coincide with lost kin's own implied themes, makes me think that it's definitely intentional and not just for difficulty's purposes. it's likely that they too, have something to do with this theme of striving/coveting.

(copypasted and edited from my own notebook EJIFSJDF)

i feel like it's interesting that lost kin is in p4, or pantheon of the knight. though, p4 is a mostly "dream bosses" pantheon, it could still hint at something. let's look at its participants (not including lost kin themselves):

enraged guardian

no eyes

traitor lord

white defender

failed champion

watcher knights

soul tyrant

pure vessel

i think they have a connection. an obvious one is how they're all "searching" for something. foraging. trying, but ultimately failing. yeah, that's the one. all of them are striving, reaching for something out of reach. and that is their ultimate downfall.

greed. [enraged guardian is literally described as the god of greed]

the search to avoid the infection, leading to her death.

the search for strength, his downfall, the reason why he became infected.

yearning. waiting, searching for closure. [this one, admittedly, is a bit of a stretch? but... play along shh shh]

the search for power, against his oppressors.

striving to protect their master.

the search for a cure to the infection.

striving to fulfill their purpose, and their father's wishes.

"how does all that play into lost kin being in p4?"

not explicitly- but it could be a hint. i like taking drugs and connecting the dots. a desire/motivation of sorts runs throughout the pantheon, and maybe lost kin has some of their own.

for starters, they are a vessel. so, i think they might share something with pure vessel- the desire to fulfill their purpose, the search to end the infection, turning into a mindless puppet at its hands. waiting for release, for peace- for closure. the downfall of thinkinng you could go toe-to-toe with a furious god, trying, but failing. futility...

regret. anger, resentment, hatred. yearning. i am literally insane. i could be looking too much into it, but i find it interesting how the "participants" of p4 have that theme of striving for a "perfection" of sorts. the perfect, pure vessel, the perfect cure, the perfect immortal life, the perfect life with the now-gone five great knights.

come to think of it, i haven't analyzed p4's flavor text of "seek the pure one". this... could just be referring to pure vessel but i think it could also apply to all the others. seek the pure focus, the pure shell of protection, the pure life with your dear five great knights. but that, i think, is certainly a stretch, even for me, who stretched the shit out of the p4 combatants choices HSHDGDHD

perhaps lost kin too, had their own... ideal to strive for. maybe that's why they're found in ancient basin, a highly obscure area which nobody would go to, unless they had a specific reason to. maybe that's why they also took the time to train to wield their nail semi-efficiently- and also why they died near monarch wings- they were preparing for a battle of sorts.

(side note: the reason this segment existed is because i realized that BV/LK's downward attack move resembles something from their sealed sibling, THK. i think this downward move is just a common nailbearer thing, but if we count lost kin knowing what the dash slash is, we can think that they did train under oro for a short while, and learned this move from him as a sort of "extra curriculum lesson" or something.)

perhaps lost kin was also searching for something. that call from up above, by either their sealed sibling, the light infecting them, or their own will. maybe they too, were beckoned, just like our little ghost.

we can be certain though, that lost kin was waiting for something. they were waiting for peace, to be released from the state you find them in, released from the blinding grasps of the radiance's light.

and maybe, they too, are rooting for you, waiting patiently for your victory against that forsaken god of light. and they help you one last time, giving you a load of dream essence, so you can truly know this kingdom's past, so you can unlock and learn everything you need to know. and then, maybe you can finally beat that damned moth into eternal obscurity.

they wish you luck. they hope you'll accept what little they have to offer.

[cyberpunk-20xx]

So uuuh River Ward

I got stuff to say about River Ward. cw for possible spoilers for his quest and discussion of the police institution

V changes a lot of lives, for the better and worse in some cases. In River's case, I'd argue it's a mix, because while V choosing to help him can result in the best case scenario for his family, he still quits his job as a cop.

Which, excellent, good thing in my book!!!! and tbh bare minimum. But that still signifies a loss of a really strong and stable belief system for him. For a long time after, once his nephew is saved, River seems aimless, like he lost his goal. He goes back to something that's close to it as a PI, only this time without the endorsement of of an inherently abusive system, which is ethically better, but way worse in terms of security for him as an individual.

There's a reason cops stay on the job even when they saw how rotten the institution is and they're not themselves actively doing harm. It's the financial security, the risk of losing social status, and it's not an accident that a lot of cops come from humble or even very poor backgrounds, just like soldiers!!! The police grooms a lot of men of lower social classes and men of colour to make them believe that becoming a policeman is a way to right the wrongs of their fellows.

By the way this is one of the reasons why River and Johnny parallel each other a lot. As much as both of them would hate to admit it.

And River throws all that to the fire for his family, which is arguably selfish, but it still meant something big to me. And he doesn't even do it for V, or thanks to V! He leaves either way! What really changes is that if V doesn't go with him to the abandoned farmhouse where Randy is imprisoned, he dies. Like, he just dies in the mines no matter what. Which rubs me the wrong way but that's off-topic.

I just love River a lot!!!!!!! because he's really complete and complex!!!!! Which is a feat cus I'm terrified of cops! I hated him and would keep choosing to act like VD does (VD who grew up in gang culture, a street kid though and through) even if I knew perfectly well that it was gonna upset/anger River. I didn't care!! I didn't even know he was gonna be a LI! And when I did I sneered at the possibility. I was wrong!!! Damn wrong!! The way the game goes about him and corruption in the police ended up not being a disaster imo.

Add-on: He's also so fucking loyal to V........ I don't know how he reacts if you choose him as endgame romance but get the Stars Ending, because I unwittingly got the Sun Ending with Judy (got my heart shattered and stomped on for that) so I might be missing some pieces but....... He makes me so soft (im still feral for him tho ngl)