#just being adjacent to it is like being in the middle of a divorce 24/7

[gobblinhours]

Man, it feels great to be in the mood to watch mcyt again! it's so nice to see the little buildings and adventures and- What's this? OH MY GOD! IT'S DREAM WITH A METAL CHAIR! WHAT IS HE DOING?! OH MY GOD!

i remember why i lost interest in watching minecraft videos

[docholligay]

My Personal Eurovision Rankings 2017--Part two

Okay, so part two: The Bottom 5 and my full ranking list! 

My Bottom 5

39. United Kingdom: Never Give Up On You

The UK hasn’t won since everyone was allowed to sing in English, and honestly that makes complete sense, since they CONSTANTLY send this bland shit that screams ‘you have to send us to the final and we don’t really want to host. Also, we have enough tourism.’ This song is more of the same, an ultimately forgettable warbled piece of trash about love or some shit, and honestly it infuriates me because Y’ALL SPEAK ENGLISH. DAILY. OFFICIALLY. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. 

40. Finland: Blackbird

You know, I said I only hated one song for non-song reasons, but I think that might not be true. I saw this song early on in the National Finals runs, and I went, “OH NO ARE WE GOING TO HAVE A BALLAD YEAR?????” So I hated this song early on. It’s pretty bland, and like most ballads, she sings it technically well but never manages to make me give literally any fucks, and I think if I hadn’t heard it so early on it might be in the middle-low of the pack. Still don’t like it though. Blackbird, please don’t sing, I agree.

41. Russia: Flame is Burning

Pretty sure everyone assumes this is the one I’ll hate for non-song reasons, but honestly you don’t even have to. Russia’s...Russianess aside, they generally put out a very fun and watchable pop song with lots of cool effects. It’s a brilliant PR campaign! I have enjoyed a lot of the shit Russia’s put forth! Watch last year’s You Are The only One. Not even taking into account Lazarev’s personal charm, which was a huge boon to Russia, the staging is clever, the song is fun as FUCK, and it’s generally great. This year? Apparently no one in Russia who can sing has ever not illegally crossed into Crimea, despite there being 143 million or so people in fucking Russia, because the garbage they put forth this year is absolute sludge, and I really want to love that there’s a performer with a visible disability on the Eurovision stage BUT I CAN’T BECAUSE a) I KNOW RUSSIA IS TRYING TO GO FOR SYMPATHY and b) HER SONG SUCKS REALLY BAD. I’M SO ENRAGED. GIVE THIS GIRL SOME STAGING OUTSIDE OF “LOOK AT HOW PROGRESSIVE WE ARE UKRAINE IS BULLYING A GIRL IN A WHEELCHAIR HOW NAUGHTY???? FEEL BAD FOR US. DID YOU NOTICE SHE IS IN A WHEELCHAIR?????” I know you can put out better shit, you literally hemorrhage money at this competition, fucking seriously. 

42. France: Requiem

France is the country version of “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I actually enjoyed last year’s song, in a departure from the very fabric of reality. (My wife likes this song, we’re getting a divorce immediately.) It’s actually almost the UK argument: You ALWAYS sing in French, how is it not better? HOW??? I wish I were more surprised about how little I ever desire to hear this song again, but I’m not. 

43. Australia: Don’t Come Easy

WE ARE NOW TO THE COUNTRY I AM UNFAIR TO FOR NON-SONG REASONS. I hate that Australia participates in Eurovision when a) it isn’t even Euro-adjacent and b) the contest has gotten significantly more serious since they showed up because they misunderstand completely, go home Australia. I don’t care if they pay for rights and everyone watches it, it was cute when they got to come for the anniversary, but go home now. I don’t care. (In b4 “you’re just mad America can’t go” listen friend, we are a country the size of Europe, conveniently divided into 50 fiefdoms--if I wanted us involved in anything of this nature, it would be our own Proxy Civil War Becasue We All Hate Each Other Anyhow, with me representing my dirt-poor state with the Montana version of Irelande Douze Pointe). I was fucking horrified when they almost won last year because the judges love fucking boring ass ballads. 

THAT BEING SAID THIS SONG ALSO SUCKS ON ITS OWN MERITS. This song shows the inherent trouble with selecting your song before selecting your singer--this kid has a great voice, but he is SEVENTEEN. There’s literally no reason I can take a seventeen year old singing “I used to move too fast to erase my past” seriously. Your love “don’t come easy, and it don’t come cheap”? You’ve “been burned too many times to love easily”? DID YOUR CRUSH STEAL YOUR LUNCH MONEY??? I literally laugh hearing a high schooler sing something so totally fucking inappropriate. 

If you’re bound and determined to sacrifice your babies at Eurovision, as some countries seem to be, there are less weird ways to do it. Bulgaria’s song about how your love is the MOST. UNTOUCHABLE. EVER. is VERY appropriate for a teenager. Ireland’s song about giving everything to relationship and wanting it to succeed so so bad is VERY appropriate. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. 

I’m reasonably sure Australia will qualify, but I’m hoping we’re out of the danger of last year. 

OKAY THE TOTAL RANKING LIST

1 Romania Ilinca feat. Alex Florea Yodel It! 2 Estonia Koit Toome & Laura Verona 3 Portugal Salvador Sobral Amar pelos dois 4 Belarus NAVI Historyja majho žyccia 5 Montenegro Slavko Kalezić Space 6 Georgia Tamara Gachechiladze Keep the Faith 7 San Marino Valentina Monetta & Jimmy Wilson Spirit of the Night 8 Moldova SunStroke Project Hey, Mamma! 9 Switzerland Timebelle Apollo 10 Israel Imri Ziv I Feel Alive 11 Hungary Joci Pápai Origo 12 FYR Macedonia Jana Burčeska Dance Alone 13 Sweden Robin Bengtsson I Can't Go On 14 Italy Francesco Gabbani Occidentali's Karma 15 Armenia Artsvik Fly With Me 16 Slovenia Omar Naber On My Way 17 Ireland Brendan Murray Dying to Try 18 Germany Levina Perfect Life 19 Croatia Jacques Houdek My Friend 20 Serbia Tijana Bogićević In Too Deep 21 Azerbaijan Dihaj Skeletons 22 Denmark Anja Nissen Where I Am 23 Lithuania Fusedmarc Rain of Revolution 24 Cyprus Hovig Gravity 25 Austria Nathan Trent Running on Air 26 Ukraine O.Torvald Time 27 Greece Demy This Is Love 28 Malta Claudia Faniello Breathlessly 29 Bulgaria Kristian Kostov Beautiful Mess 30 Norway JOWST feat. Aleksander Walmann Grab the Moment 31 Latvia Triana Park Line 32 Netherlands O'G3NE Lights and Shadows 33 Spain Manel Navarro Do It for Your Lover 34 Iceland Svala Paper 35 Belgium Blanche City Lights 36 Czech Republic Martina Bárta My Turn 37 Albania Lindita World 38 Poland Kasia Moś Flashlight 39 United Kingdom Lucie Jones Never Give Up on You 40 Finland Norma John Blackbird 41 Russia Yulia Samoilova Flame Is Burning 42 France Alma Requiem 43 Australia Isaiah Firebrace Don't Come Easy