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shadesofhue · 7 years ago

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Emotionally unavailable, and not afraid to admit it. Here’s why:

Far too often, we spend time putting on a front to be things that we are not. Two things that I’ve learned in my adult life is that I have a great ability to care when I genuinely do, and absolutely no interest in pretending to when I don’t... and to me, that’s okay. Honestly, it JUST hit me a few seconds ago that I am emotionally unavailable and I don’t have a problem admitting that. Why? Because... it’s honest. In my younger years (a few years ago) I would be limited with my honesty with intentions to save energy in hurting people’s feelings, and that backfired. I would devote myself to men who were emotionally unavailable to me, and the guys who were all about me as I was emotionally unavailable to them. Of course I would tell them the truth about things like, “oh, well... i’m actually talking to someone right now!” or “i’m at a stage in my life where i’m figuring things out and gathering qualities and pieces from connections that I have with other men to decide what I like.” That period of my life in particular was lovely, yet stressful. I dated three guys at once, and they were all different. A CEO, an academic, and a creative. One of them I was head over hills for, the other two... well, they were close friends. I didn’t find out until ONE ended up telling me all of the things that the other was telling him, but he didn’t care because in his mind he was going to end up with me. How did I not know? I would have been a FOOL to just run around telling the guys that I was talking to and hanging out with, the other guys’ names. Like... who does that? I was GREEN, but I wasn’t DUMB. So when shit hit the fan, and i’m having creole cuisine with one and he goes on to tell me how the other is feeling, I have no choice but to laugh and think to myself this city IS really way too small. Anyway, he was super cool about it. He said he gets what he wants, no matter what, and well... that didn’t happen. Why? BECAUSE HE HAD A FUCKING BOYFRIEND that he was trying to leave. An academic who was with another academic, and maybe that just didn’t work out... for what reasons, I didn’t know. But I was the whimsical artist that he stumbled upon in the midst of him making his exit. Albeit, THEY WERE NOT DONE, and when I found out I told him the moment he told me that he was leaving his boyfriend that we were no longer considering that dating, and that we could be friends and shit would be limited. He left the state for a vacation and said he was gonna solidify the termination of his relationship, while away. Not only did I need clarity that I DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FAILURE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP, but that he shouldn’t use me as motivation to be single... because that’s just so close. I think I had given him until the New Year to make up his mind so that we wouldn’t waste time, but I believe by Thanksgiving, I was already heavily infatuated with someone else (the one I was head over hills for). LOL so when he came back, the skies were a different shade of grey, I suppose. Anyway, the other (his really good friend) used to vent to him about how I wasn’t intimate or affectionate, and how he’d be lucky if I even held his hand. Something he already knew, because I was neither of those things with him either. The time I let the other one kiss me on the cheek, blew his mind. But he had just took me to dinner, a movie, and a bar for drinks. I guess you can say that peach ciroc and cranberry juice slightly dissolved my guards. Reason for me not being affectionate with him? It was clear... but I felt in my spirit that he was a really really sexual being. I wasn’t (with people I didn’t KNOW) and I just didn’t want that pressure of being awkward at the sound of all of his innuendos ALL OF THE TIME. I was barely getting to know him, yet I already knew what he was about. He genuinely liked me, but I was at a stage in my life where I was holding out for someone special, and he hadn’t become that someone special yet. I wasn’t a virgin, but you can say that I was born again LOL. I was what people would assume to be a prude, but quite honestly I’m freaky af, and was back then too... it just had to be special. Not rose petals and candle light special, but like... a connection... time... something! He wasn't yet. But again, I was already somewhere else with someone else, and THAT was a blur. A big heart rattling “why don’t you love me?!” blur!

He was a gypsy. He traveled from time zone to time zone, places where the seasons were opposite, and places my young ass tongue couldn’t even pronounce. He was IT! He was my inspiration. He was everything I talked about to my fraternity brother in college, when we talked about the men we’d settle down with once we settle down lmao. He was every aspect of an artist you can imagine, and I... well, I was his Winona. I was about 10 years younger than him, but our mentalities met each other somewhere in the middle. He had so much youth, so much spark, so much spontaneity... I, fresh out of college, slightly taking the world too seriously, while having a jovial free spirited nature that just flowed. He taught me how to actually BE YOUNG and FREE. He was my 2nd test. After what I [key word] considered my first love (19), before ever experiencing MY [probably another pseudo] FIRST LOVE [but with all possibly due respect, I can’t really call it that because it may have really been love but idk now because it was all just so confusing at the end] at (22) which is another story, and much deeper... but he landed somewhere in the middle and helped me develop a strength I would need to bare the tragedy that could have been (22). Now with him, I was beyond emotionally available. I was an emotional wreck LOL. I treated this man like he was my boyfriend. I had never had a boyfriend before, but I was a hopeless romantic. It was cute though, because I had did things for him, that no one has ever done before. Which was great... then I realized it was all practice, teaching me how to actually be a good boyfriend...because I too, had never done those things before. That’s what dating actually IS, so like... it’s not fucked up to say that right? Imean, not that I should care. I found out he lied to me about not dating anyone else, when we said we were “exclusive” (by this time I had cut the other two off... I was real about it) oooh... lol but then I ended up on some girls instagram who posted the same picture he did... OF HIM... with something that read like “titles are irrelevant, loyalty is all you neeeeed” ... LOYALTY?! GIRL, THE THINGS WE JUST DID... but then, I couldn't blame her. It wasn’t her. She was just as fooled as I was. I just had a stronger intuition lmfao. Instead of pulling some “woman-to-woman” stunt and hitting her up, I just removed myself. Why? because i’m a man... and I had a feeling this shit was happening. Which is kind of reversed, but whatever. I just told myself I wasn’t gonna block my blessings. Instead I blocked him, and ignored him for like 2 years. She... well, she ended up exposing him on a blog because she found out that he was with some other woman. How? ... LMAO I JUST TOLD YOU! Exactly what I said I wasn’t going to do... someone hit her up like “Hello, may I speak to barbara” (he name isn’t really barbara, if you heard the song, you’d get it) and from there came “diary of a mad mixed woman.” That was all she wrote, no pun intended. Apparently she was pregnant, but that ain’t none of my business. Remove, and all shall be revealed.

ANYWAY.... I took some time to find myself, living happily ever after, getting my life together and going out with friends, turning up, sleepovers with my besties, THE WORKS... and ended up meeting the [pseudo-- but again I can’t really call it that, because if I took the time to actually think about it, I might dig myself into further confusion about the whole thing] “love of my life”. OH, THIS WAS IT!!!!! so I thought. LOL It was picture perfect. Beautiful. We were gorgeous. He was tall, caramel, and handsome. Me, I was short, fit into his arms like a puzzle, and to him... a total package. To me, he was a total package too. We needed a lil work in different ways... one of us more than the other... him in a lot of ways lol not funny, but it’s true. I just had to work on communication. At first, I was really nonchalant. Whenever he had mustered up some issue or something didn’t roll the way he thought it should I would just be like “Okay...” and he’d be like “See, YOU DON’T CARE blah blah blah”. Then I had to let him know, i’m a processor. I have to think and process things. If not, I could be really harsh if I don��t think about ways to address without attack. Anyways, We worshiped the ground we both walked on. Of course, because we walked together LOL. He was my first boyfriend. Whaaaaat?! Somebody finally tied Donnie down?! YUP! My lil feminine wiles attracted him, and he couldn't leave me alone. I thought he was just a lil friend. We started hanging out, having the best days ever and shit. It was cool. He became my best friend. It had finally dawned on me that he liked me one night we went out to a club. I had broke my phone the week before that, and was communicating with him through email. Printing out the directions to his apartment until I memorized the route, etc. I finally got my new phone and texted him. He was going out that night and invited me to join. I threw on my oversized pull-over, some skinny jeans, and my favorite boots and hit it. He was dancing on me and I was like okay this is that friend dance where you getting it because you’re close and they’re playing a jam ... nah, he kissed me on my neck and I was like O_O... oh, you’re drunk. I didn’t think too much about it, but it wasn’t until we left the club to go across the street for nachos when he grabbed my hand to lead me across the street, that I realized I liked him too. When we sat down to eat our food and his friends said their ride was there hurrying him to join, and he stayed I thought to myself “yup... this is the one”. We ended up being everything to one another. Time went on and we shared a life. To fast forward a bunch, that didn’t work out. I ended up learning that I wasn’t the free spirited, whimsical, joyful, light that I had always been. There was a major shift in me, and it had come from a lot of toxicity I experienced within that relationship. Things that I pray I do not experience ever again. My friends even noticed. It was a very dark time. I learned my lesson... and now, I don’t trust anyone...I’m working on it. For so much of that relationship I was accused of cheating, lying, and much more. IT WAS DRAINING. Hell, I almost started not trusting myself, like wtf? My phone would ring or vibrate and i’d be like O_O. Heart racing, and so much more, when I KNEW I WASN’T DOING A DARN THING. Like... you’ve gotta be reeeeally good and persistent to convince someone that they’re doing something they aren’t supposed to be doing. It got so bad, that I didn’t even trust some of my friends hitting me up. Like...”we ain’t talked 80% of this relationship, we ain’t friends no more... because he might think you’re someone new... but i’ve known you my whole life.” It’s kind of.... twisted and dark and sad. DON’T ALLOW YOURSELF TO EVER GET THERE!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God I recovered those friendships from the awkwardness that was “living in the shadows of my partner’s insecurities”. I didn’t understand how I was the best boyfriend I could possibly be, the most loyal, nurturing, and caring person to someone... and still not be good enough. Then one day I paid a bill to nelnet student loan services and said bihhhh... YOU ARE NOT IN THE DEBT FOR NOTHING. With a degree in sociology and psychology, you better ANALYZE FOR YOUR LIFE! Literally... and so I did. I realized... I was caught in the web of a narcissist. With the information gathered through the stories of getting to know someone, I used my sociological imagination to sort out all of the things that he went through when he was a child and how that affected him as an adult... that made me more compassionate though. So, what ended up happening? I had become emotionally unavailable. I had to stop caring as much as I did. Because the more I cared, the more I would stay or ...go back, for that matter. I didn’t stop caring, I just couldn’t do so as MUCH to the point where I would put him and the situation before ME. ALL OF THAT TO SAY... That was the point where I realized what I needed to do. I needed to water me. I needed to grow. I needed to find my light and my joy. I needed to be selfish. I needed to leave toxic professional and personal relationships alike. I needed to find me and be happy with me. I needed to teach myself how to love me unconditionally again. To be gentle af with myself after being put through so much pressure, because what was mentioned wasn’t even half of it. But it created the diamond, that I knew myself to be. I needed to FOCUS and get myself together for what is truly meant for me in my life. I kid you NOT... I used to be afraid to chase certain dreams in that relationship. Because I knew that being in certain industries would come with a different type of connection and attention that would bring the type of recognition that could make an insecure person shrink... and i’m not talking about me. I couldn’t be the star that I know that I am. There were pop-up shops and set-up times I was late to for my brand, panel discussion call-times that I was almost late to because of inconsideration and my focus being thrown off right before I go up to speak because of the heated tension that came with that. I AM TOO MUCH OF AN EMPATH to be in the wrong relationships. Granted, I learned everything I needed to learn and I appreciate that relationship in its totality because quite honestly, it wasn’t all bad. There were really sweet moments that deserve credit. However, the affects that each and every one of these people had on me, no matter how impactful the relationship we had helped make me into a better person THROUGH ALL OF THE TROUBLES. After being single for a year, and being completely raw with myself and vulnerable yet honest with others... I learned that it’s OKAY. I used to think that your value increases upon relationships. That to be deemed worthy, you have to be attractive and maintain/sustain what you attract. That’s when I was a hopeless romantic, longing for love and companionship, and intimacy/affection from select individuals. NOW, my success and happiness is my priority. To fully enJOY life and myself. I’m selfish.

I learned that at this moment in my life, I am the most beautiful I have ever been. Naturally. Innately. I see the light, that others see. I see my warmth and tenderness... when just last year, I was almost SO tough and COLD. I had a conversation with one of my best friends who is a strong Black woman, and we decided ... “I don't want to be a savage. I WANT to be a sweetheart!” I am just that. I’m still a sweet heart, but I am just honestly, emotionally unavailable. I almost wrote a Facebook status talking about how guys will be like “I really don’t think you know how beautiful you are!” Like... “Yes I do!” I’m just chill AF. I genuinely receive compliments with grace and express that gratitude with great energy, but I stopped putting so much weight on another man’s ability to see my beauty and vocalize it. I have watched a man cry while telling me how beautiful I was to him, and if he was upset with me... I was absolutely nothing. That’s confusing. Thank God I have a strong sense of self. I worked on this. This comes primarily from the inside. THAT’S GOALS! To work on yourself so diligently from the inside that your beauty is not only internal, but eternal. No matter where looks go, where my body shifts, that I will possess the type of beauty that will not only last my lifetime, but a legendary everlasting beauty that will be remembered by those who knew and knew of me.

What inspired this long ass story? I had opened up an article that was titled 3 guys share what it means when a man is emotionally unavailable. I believe it’s better to talk about and acknowledge certain things than to gloss over them as if they are not there. Yes, i’ve been through some whirlwinds of relationships... many of us have. No, i’m not afraid to talk about them, because quite frankly WE NEED TO! To be honest, I don’t know what it means that I am emotionally unavailable other than the fact that I am focused on getting to a place in my life where when i’m ready and able to settle down I will be established and have SO MUCH MORE TO GIVE (as a whole). I KNOW THAT I AM AN OUTSTANDING MAN! I also know that I am going to be THE BEST PARTNER/HUSBAND/PARENT etc when the time is come, but now is not the time. No time soon.

I thank God for blessing me with the strength and awareness of the importance of healing during this time. Break-ups, traumas, heart-ache... all of those things. I’m glad that I didn’t fill a void with other things... instead I took care of myself toward the end of that relationship, post-relationship, before chasing success, and during the climb. In FACT, it is the reason why that relationship ended. I chose myself, and I will continue to do so. Until then... I have to be real. My capacity to share my emotional well-being and my energy with someone else (relationship-wise) is not up to par for anyone to expect anything serious from me. I’ve been on this journey of single success and happiness for a year now. I just so happened to realize that I am emotionally unavailable, and again... to me, that’s okay.

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