#just THINKING abt losing a friend i've had for so long fucking kills me. and i can't imagine how bad it had to be for them

[intertexts]

anyway nhw dynamic essay i am NOT going to fucking. type out all of this at once. it is 1am. but. yayyyayayay!!

>starting out w/ ashe & virion because i have been having Thoughts on them........... b4 the trickster they are already good friends-- it's a little awkward at first bc oh shit virion is really cool and kind of scary, i dunno if he likes me, i think he and william are a thing and i've been spending a lot of time with william lately. but that doesn't last long, maybe until the first time they're in some minor scuffle and imprint takes a hit for him. & ashe goes ohhh fuck. maybe he doesn't hate me? & then it turns out that virion is-- well, yeah, he is kind of quiet and intimidating (the horrors! the goofiness was closer to the surface before his family. well.) and hard to make laugh, but they're kind of similar. the quietness is frequently masking awkwardness or not knowing what to do or say in some situation, and they're both so clueless as to normal person stuff (wibby and dakota make some reference to public school shit & virion & ashe make 'do you believe this shit?' eye contact over their heads.) & they're both massive nerds. after all of the horrors, everything virion liked playing was covered in The Ooze, and also he was. living with a gun in his hand and sleeping for no more than two hours max at once with his eyes open and Killing People and doing dirty work for a year or so. grew up pretty fucking fast. didn't have much time for jrpgs anymore. anyway i think he eventually sees ashe on their couch playing pokemon or smth on his switch n just gravitates over. sits on the couch back and watches the animal crossing island ashe is running like the fucking navy or whatever. it becomes a thing. ashe gets him really into shin megami tensei (<- this one is just for me i just thing he'd like smt. relevant 2 mac's thoughts on ashe & horror etc!). they're the ones reluctantly tagging along with dakota & wibby's ridiculous shit & talking super quietly with their heads kinda close together. they'd be really good roommates.

after ashe returns from the trickster-- ok getting sidetracked thinking abt this LMAO. but. i think being muse for so long fucks ashe UP. it takes... a long time. the strain of being forced in his breaker form for as long as he was had consequences!! he did not come out of that as abled as he went in! & also the trickster turning his mind into soup for a year or so fucked with his head severely. get lobotomized idiot. and also. well. the everything else. anyway, i think for the first while when he comes back he dissociates a lot. loses significant amounts of time frequently. has derealization issues. has delusions related to the "hey that guy controlled my body for a year and change and before that he stalked me for god knows how long and always knew exactly where i was and i kept running into him" thing. panics frequently and messily. gets migraines. gets bad & debilitating flashbacks. is back to having 10 billion hangups about his powers. anyway anyway anyway virion.. understands, a lot of this. in a way that wibby & dakota don't. not that they haven't seen awful shit and had awful shit done to them!! but virion is the one who watched his entire family slaughtered in front of him. he's the one who's killed people. he knows what it's like to be okay and maybe happy and one day something fucking breaks, and you'll just. never be the same again. never get that back again, never be who u were before. (dakota was like, 7/8 when he triggered. virion was 15/16.) and he understands the grief & the paranoia & the brain static & the losing time & the fear. so virion gets it. ashe knows that virion is very very scary and very very alert and virion took a crowbar or something for him after knowing him for a couple weeks. so if, like, there's anyone to feel safe around... it's him. ashe's fine motor control is not so good for a while and he's terrified of using his telekinesis, so now it's virion playing animal crossing and ashe watching. he has a fucking awful island it's dogshit it's so funny. virion's good to fall asleep on. they hold hands if they have to go out somewhere. etc. shoutout 2 virion sol & all the emos he keeps picking up & wanting to kill people for. gayass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sincelastsession]

This Doctor I follow has a ton of really good information much I'm sure you know about.

This is like 99% relatable to what I experience.

Currently I'm in bed but I can't relax my muscles because I'm clearly in a weird mix hypervigiliant state.

I'm still too scared to leave my apartment and I'm still too afraid to come home to my apartment if I'm dragged places.

It's been quiet so far since the officer came out and took pictures of the damage.

I can't afford the camera and I was told I shouldn't need one by my dad and he has this bright idea to call my property management ppl and bother my ancient Indian landlord who is in Texas which I mean. I spoke to them once before and I just got asked if I wanted to terminate the lease.

I've found places to live in my parents budget. One place is just a shotgun with no heating or dishwasher or laundry but it's under 800 and big with a 500allowance to paint if I wish. It's on Lemonwood.

Then there's places on corporate that have a downstairs and upstairs bedroom that are a bit more but currently I have a friend trying to find a place.

She's looking at income restricted and I have too but the income restricted places are all worse than here for my mental and physical health. I read all the ratings and if I rented a small house in a area that my parents didn't like I could always foster a dog again and revolve my life with that for a reset. I could put cameras up. I could get a safe. I can but plug in heaters or something idfk.

The other places under 1k are scattered in areas that are 2hr drives to baton rouge.

I considered a place in Spanish Town that was perfect but my father was quick to say no to the area and had a massive tantrum abt the price.

The thing is I ofc want to be financially stable and I don't think it's impossible, I just don't know how I'll work from home and make enough on my own hours because that's the kind of job I need.

But first I know I have many things to work on before anything can happen.

It hurts so much having my parents promise to get me outta her by next end of July or August and then my dad laughing at me saying "MUCH LONGER THAN THAT"

I was told it wasn't bullshit this time.

They both promised me they care and want to move me asap. I have doctors notes just because of the stairs and c-PTSD.

My psychiatrist doesn't want me anywhere near here because he's apparently had other patients that are VA ppl that were having issues because of the bullshit that happens.

Like I'm considering bringing a dog from CAABR for a short term socialization rest from the pound so they get better kennel presence and training and are more likely to be adopted or taken on transport to a no kill.

It wouldn't be long term so I can literally just say I'm a foster and return the dog if there's an issue.

When I had my first foster Arlo I was on a schedule despite the fact I hated it but I was at the dog park and training and dropping off at dog daycare and the foster house like a mom with a kid. That was a good pain in the ass. I wish he had been a foster fail. I'd have kept him. I had him knowing 10 commands at 8 months. He was such a smart puppy and very protective of me. CAABR paid for mostly everything.

If I didn't have the stairs problem I'd go pull a dog tomorrow.

My cats don't alert as much.

I really am exhausted.

My partner has been having a hard time but it's upsetting me that I've had to lose sleep and care for him too and he hasn't given me a chance to tell him what's been happening to me.

He's just depressed and anxious and drinking and I can't do fuck about his pain other than to be loving and kind which we all need.

I'm dealing with the fucking Jerry Springer show, hitting nonverbal, having meltdowns and ptsd episodes. Not eating very well or at all. Scouring the internet for places to move. Having fucking heart issues that SUCK. Probably ye Ole broken heart syndrome or something like it Probably due to stress. Sat on the curb of the most dangerous wafflehouse parking lot to escape my mother who blamed me for her 600× sugars. My father is being a tyrant. My sister verbatim was screaming on the phone at my dad like an asshole and he was like "ok sweetie ill fix it when I get home LOVE YOUUUU" annnnd he says he sounds a certain way and won't change but he spoke to her like a princess then turned around and spoke to me like I was shit.

Like my partner has no fucking clue how stressed I am.

Oh no but his fee fees are hurt because no one that loves him checked on him. WHO AM I THEN WHO THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN FOR THE LAST 6 YEARS FUCKING ASSSSSSHOLE.

So it's easier to talk to me instead of the ppl he's putting on a charade for there...yet he can't be as vulnerable with me as he wants. Then he bitches about wanting to marry his other married partner and dude fuck him rn.

I've stuck with his ass a long time but absolutely fuck this shit. I'm not breaking it off but I'm mad as hell.

Like obviously till he gets over his shit I'll just fucking go back to how I used to be.

Little to no friends, stuck inside, zero help, only called when it benefits others. I'll just ROT here. Fuck em all tbh.

Like why did my ex send me a picture and video of his stand up routine and I just couldn't talk at that point in time and I asked him you know I wanna catch up soon I'm having non verbal issues and showed him a screen cap of the heart EKG results so he would understand that because his dad works in heart health care With all the heart doctors.

But like why. Yeah I still love him and I am totally available for a partner here And he's probably the only person I would allow to touch me at this point in time.

And then I was supposed to do things with Justin Because it was his birthday but he can't respect my boundaries of I'll message you when I'm feeling up to it he's just messaging me random shit and I don't want to look at it or respond. And I feel bad that I don't want to talk to him even if it is his birthday like I'm not ready to do that I have other things going on and he would trigger me and I'm not going to tell him that he's a trigger because he has wild fucking eyes and I know damn well that those eyes mean something bad. I've been in enough psychfacilities to understand what those eyes mean. There's lots of people that have dead eyes there's lots of people that have manic eyes there's lots of people that have drug users eyes but psychotic and psychosis and certain points in bipolar episode eyes are fucking terrifying and it's not just how his eyes look it's how they look now VS how they used to look when I was younger and there's something very off about him the way that he pushed all the blame on to me and the way that he said he was fine with polyamory and then he had a freak out at me because I forced him to read a book which I damn well did not he said he would be happy to read it and he was excited for us to read it together And he kept pushingToward sex and just fucking Gross.

And my ex-boyfriend who is now sober never once doesn't matter how drunk he was he never forced me or pushed me to have any sort of sexual contact with him if I was anxious or not feeling it. Hey would justRespond with do you want to cuddle let's just cuddle you didn't give me enthusiastic consent let's just sleep or Hey I'll sleep on the fucking floor even though I have a guest room he always would say that but he was drunk and forgot there was another room I suppose. Anyway I mean fuck I mean I would love to talk to him and see if he would be interested but he is doing lots of things with his life and I don't want to trigger him back into alcoholism.

The thing with Matt is I don't mind that he drinks and destroys his body that is his prerogative but when it's affecting my relationship with him that is what pisses me off and usually he keeps it under control and usually he keeps his shit together and goes to therapy and all that and this is just a non linear moment in my relationship because I don't want to give app on it and I don't know where it's going and I can't predict that and everybody questions me about it and Bitches about how long-term relationships are hard they're no harder than an in person relationship in fact I think in person is more difficult.

Then I have a constant influx of people in my Facebook friend request box and I've accepted all of them and I just keep getting creepy dudes messaging me and I'm like I'm not looking for another partner and they don't understand what no means the first time around until you start talking like their mother would yell at them.

And then you get a fuck you fat bitch blah blah blah but you don't have a partner anyway blah blah blah and then I have to block them and it's like I'm not really looking for another partner because Baton Rouge is not really quality material people that would work well with me that I'm aware of. Because the people that hit on me are much much younger than me like to a creepy degree that bothers me. Or it's very old creepy men that you could not pay me to give them sugar. And I'm not looking to just jump into a relationship and fuck somebody they're going to have to fucking wait. I don't work like everybody else mentally. I just don't I don't know how to explain it I try to explain it with information I find online and videos so like people get an idea of what I Go through because I Don't Know how Else to articulate any of it.

It's frustrating because I think that is what gets me misunderstood and then I obviously have a propensity to be hyperverbal and have a very hard time stopping and holding on to thoughts. And we can look at the diagnosis that I have and figure out what's causing what and I know that I mention those things and that is generally compulsive but I'm not trying to like fit the bill. Because I know that many of these conditions overlap and cause the same problems or a cluster fuck of issues and symptoms that could be misdiagnosed for something else which I'm fully aware of but that's what I have in my chart.

I don't like the way that I am so often misinterpreted and I'm tired of trying to adjust myself to please other people even though I understand that this world was not made for people like me and not everyone is going to respond well to just how I speak and I know that I need to work on things but I do not want to minimize the very little things about me That make me myself that I couldn't verbalize to tell you what that is and I still don't know how to explain. I mean it would be like making a gay person straight you can't do that with someone that's autistic you can't make an autistic person alistic. I mean you can send them to all sorts of horrible therapies that fuck them up. And then it's just more therapy they will need after that to function properly. I understand there is some therapy for autism that does not fuck people up and helps people like me learn t you learn cues and how to function in this hell hole.

I'm also fully aware that there are plenty of mostly mentally healthy people that are losing their fucking minds because of the state of the world and probably patients Many therapists all over Baton Rouge and the globe.

Sometimes it's super frustrating because certain things in my brain just don't click into place and I know they're supposed to but I'm just sitting there trying very hard to understand but not understanding and not seeing what other people are saying no matter how hard I try to be aware of it

And then sometimes I'm aware of it and I cannot make myself fucking stop.

It's not for lack of trying.

And then if I was on medication for AD HD that worked then I would probably be a lot easier to talk with. I would probably get more shit done I would probably be a lot more organized I mean I'm a completely different person on that medicine. But I've already explained all of this to you so you're aware that I'm just raw dogging reality aside from anxiety medication And medical marijuana at night for pain reasons or for whatever the fuck I need it for pain and other reasons.

And I do not think that the marijuana or the anxiety medicine is causing me any issues. I don't really feel any different than I did taking it when I was younger. I wish my dose was 4 mg a day and so 3 but obviously I don't want to fuck with my tolerance and I was on 2 mg and now my psychiatrist is making me take all 3 and I hate it because I do want to be more alert and I don't want to be this sedated because it feels really weird.

And when I say it feels weird I mean I know I'm sedated like I'm calmer. Outwardly I am cool as a cucumber.

Inside I'm screaming I'm pounding the fucking walls I am flipping out I am constantly checking my fucking windows like a paranoid person. I'm terrified I am still hyperventilate and not all the time does the medicine actually keep me sedated very long because I'm an ultra fast metabolizer my geneticist ran all those pharmacy genetics testing on me and I'm not just talking about gene site.

She thinks I have some sort of genetic mutation but I won't see her till next Spring likely.

I can't wait to have all of that fucking testing done and over with so I can know exactly what the hell is going on with me that they can read. And then I can take about 50 weights off my fucking back.

[d3nt4l-d4m4g3]

hey i don’t know if you’re the right person to ask and don’t feel pressured to answer this, but i’m kind of at a loss for what to do. i have one friend (R, on T for 6 years) who has had severe medical deterioration since transition, including a lot of the things you’ve made posts about plus complications from a hysterectomy. i have another friend (P, socially transitioned) who’s starting T soon. i wish i could send P some of your posts or even talk to them abt the people i know with health complications from medical transition, but he’s made it very clear that any questioning of his identity means that our friendship is basically over, and he’s so important to me that i can’t risk it. do you have, like, any advice at all? or even commiseration at this point, bc i have no one i can talk to about this irl and it feels suffocating sometimes. anyway, hope you’re doing well, and thanks for your work!!

Hi there friend. I'm afraid you're in a tough situation. I've been on both sides so I know: it's pretty much impossible to talk a trans person out of transitioning. Remember, they believe they will literally die (or kill themselves) if they don't transition and if you don't want them to transition, you want them dead. You can explain the medical effects to a person all day, but their reasons for transitioning have nothing to do with facts like "your uterus is rotting out of your body". Their reasons for transitioning are religious, ideological, and unfortunately illogical.

If you really value P's friendship and don't want to lose her, you know it is not wise to tell her how you feel. The only thing you can do is let her know that you care about her—you want to make her feel like, if she ever have doubts, she can turn to you. Trans ideology works a little like a cult, and trans people sometimes have their whole support networks made up of other trans people. So the thought of detransition triggers the thought of "if I leave the community, I will lose everything." That's why you need to make sure that P knows that in the event of a lapse in belief, they will not lose you. (<-found in this article by NYT, good read, check it out.)

That said, it really hurts to be around someone who you feel like is slowly poisoning/killing themselves in front of you. Making the decision to harm themselves every day of every week of every month of every year. It fucking sucks. Watching someone close to you transform on hormones feels like falling from a tower feeling your stomach drop, feeling the ground hurtle towards you, for months on end. If even being around this person may be triggering to you, there is nothing at all wrong with distancing yourself from P. Trans is like a cult, but also like an addiction. You can tell an alcoholic how she's destroying her liver, or a smoker she's shriveling her lungs, but she won't listen; it makes her feel good. What's the big deal? it gives her a sense of self and a place to be.

And you know what? That place that addicts occupy is a selfish one. P will not trust you over her trans journey. P will not think of your (or other women's) feelings or perspectives if they contradict trans ones. And you don't have to stick around for that.

You cannot save the addict from herself, you just can't. You can be patient and hopeful, and wait for her return to you, or you can turn your back and free yourself. Ultimately it doesn't matter which, because P is the only one who can save herself. Before she saves herself she may need to hit a rock bottom. The suffering might need to mount before she can ask herself if her identity is worth such pain. and it might take a too-long time. Sounds like your friend R is suffering 6 years in, but hasn't hit a breaking point yet. Not enough to stop. And sometimes, awful as it is, there's no guarantee that she will.

Keep talking please.

[oceanselevenism]

I've seen that most of the stories on ao3 about them are mostly canon-compliant (and I don't have anything against that tbh) but I was wondering if you have any aus that you think could fit them or that you'd like to see?

omg i have SO MANY aus!! (it got Very Long so its under a cut)

- college au! danny gets kicked out (hes on full scholarship and does Thiefly Things to cover his expenses so hes not endangered just fairly fucked up abt it) (does it count as kicked out if u only live w ur dad three months a year) in freshman year, he befriends rusty (1 year below him) in sophomore year, debbie also befriends rusty (she and danny dont talk much but shes 2 yrs below him at the same college), and when reuben comes calling for a job he thinks debbie has a boyfriend (thanks to debbie telling her dad that she does) so she fake dates rusty. who ends up joining the job. and danny is Very Jealous

- snl ripoff au! danny and rusty are the weekend-update-adjacent anchors and they get gay. i Would have this take place in la (reuben is taking A Risk producing a late night sketch comedy show on the west coast but the 11/12/however fuckin many are fantastic cast members so even though they lose revenue from the other timezones not watching as much as they watch snl or whatever, they still make BANK... but danny and rusty getting gay throws the equilibrium out of whack) BUT la sucks DICK so its happening in new york. also this way u get Ocean Sibling Banter (debbie and lou are the anchors for The Actual Weekend Update and when debbie/lou get together and also when danny/rusty get together there are so many ‘just switch out the blondes/brunettes nobody will be able to tell and we won’t have hr down our necks’ jokes)

- au where the caldwells, abt to go deep undercover on a Huge Fucking Case, have to give up custody of 6 year old linus to tess and danny. the case stretches on for twelve years and linus grows up w tess and danny (who get divorced like right after they adopt him bc tess finds out abt dannys Thiefly Activities-- he confesses to her bc he doesnt rly want to predispose the kid to said thiefly activities) and also isabel (she and rusty break up like Right Before tess and dannys wedding and its very funny; she then goes on to marry tess) parenting him (rusty isnt as much in the picture bc he doesnt feel bad at all abt stealing and tess doesnt want linus to pick up that mentality also rusty Feels Things abt danny)! then when linus is like 18 or 19 danny disappears (tess and isabel think its Thiefly Activities again and arent concerned, just disappointed, but linus is very concerned for his dad-slash-stepdad-slash-sort-of-uncle) and he tracks down rusty so they can find danny. they roadtrip across america and eventually catch up to danny, who is helping the caldwells, and the five of them take down whatever gang the caldwells were chasing. linus now has 6 parents

- au based on this post where some archaeologist finds a bunch of dannys [french person voice] Love Lettairs 2 rusty and so obviously the logical course of action is to rob the museum (which happens to be the museum that tess is curating. funny how things work out) without telling his team What Theyre Stealing. they successfully pull off the heist but turns out the letters were not among the items they stole!! danny is getting desperate. as a last-ditch attempt he calls tess and asks her to let them rob the museum. shes like Why The Fuck Would I Do That. he explains and she begrudgingly agrees. danny and livingston go break into the museum Again but rusty tails them bc dannys been acting Weird and he finds out abt the letters bc livingston sweats more whenever he tells a lie. they live happily ever after (literally, theyre immortal) the end. also even though dannys a werewolf the 11 all call him the new jersey devil (its not his fault that legend came to be ok!! he was very drunk!!)

- childhood friends au!! danny and rusty were best buds as very young kids and then the oceans had to move. flash forward 2 present day where danny and debbie r robbing a museum (theyre building a flower shop over the vault and tunneling in, the dudes in brazil who came up w it are very very clever) and guess which two people are the assistant curators (is that even a title?). guess. ill tell u its tess and rusty! danny recognizes rusty, rusty ‘does not recognize’ danny (which is valid. look at photos of child george clooney and tell me you would recognize him). the 11 demand that they use this to their advantage and so danny and rusty Sort Of Date while the rest set up for the robbery, and danny feels really bad abt it so on the day of (after everyone has gotten away, ofc, he might be a lovesick bitch but hes not a snitch) he confesses and rustys like lmao i was onto u from the start. what kind of a name is [insert alias here] anyway. then they go live a life of crime and its great

- @sanduschism came up w a fantastic au where danny pickpockets rusty and feels bad so he sends the wallet back and they strike up a Correspondence

- HOSPITAL AU!!! danny and rusty r er techs while theyre doing med school and nobody knows how they juggle their shifts w school but also rusty can do a tracheotomy in like 5 seconds and danny can tell when a person needs an mri before they even list their symptoms so nobody questions it and nobody splits them up Ever. when they eventually become surgeons, danny does cardio and rusty does neuro, and whenever they have to work together not only do they never have to say what theyre doing, they don't even have What Do U Want To Cook For Dinner convos fully out loud. tess is head nurse... she makes so many excel spreadsheets... they are ALL color coded. isabel is head er doc and nobody dares to halfass things on her watch. reuben is head hospital admin, saul is chief surgeon, basher is head of the burn unit, the malloys r the HUNKIEST nurses in town, frank does plastic surgery/ent (every patient loves him bc he is just So Calm), livingston is The IT Guy, yen does like orthopedics or physical therapy, and linus is their fav resident who they all lovingly tease 24/7. the ocean sibs r both Cardio Gods and each dominate their respective coasts. debbie is an nyc doctor and if she sees a mass gen doctor its on SIGHT. the few surgeries that she and danny collab on go so fast that the med students in the gallery Cannot tell whats happening. lou is also a plastic surgeon and she and frank r best buds. linus requests time off like 6 months in advance Every Time and everyone hates it bc then They have to be on call but he doesnt realize his Extreme Overachieverness is causing so much strife. whenever tess and danny get in an argument she colorcodes his rounds spreadsheet to be the most neon shit youve ever seen. can you tell i never fully progressed past my greys anatomy phase this one is like 93489302 lines long

- superpower au where rusty has midas touch and danny has corrosive touch and when theyre too young to have control over their powers (abilities develop throughout adolescence and the user gains control at the end of adolescence) they accidentally brush hands and are terrified they just killed each other but turns out their powers like. cancel out. so until they reach like 21 or 22 and can touch things without fucking them UP they just. hold hands all the time. bc otherwise they have to wear gloves to prevent Accidents and both of them “hate gloves” (and also love holding hands. gayasses)

- uhhh hallmark au where danny is a crime fiction writer out on some beach north of ocean city nj and rusty is his fancy nyc editor. everyone else is a thief including debbie who is just Very weirded out that her brother, who robbed boston’s institute of contemporary art at age 22 and got away with it, has decided to spend the rest of his life churning out books. he is very critically acclaimed and about half of the 11 are buds with him and use his published books as heist inspo. the other ~half of the 11 are buds with rusty, and they tell him if danny’s heists are feasible or not (they always are. scarily so.) anyway rusty and isabel break up 12 days before xmas and danny and tess break up 8 days before hanukkah so dannys heading to debbie’s place in upstate new york to mope for the holidays when A BLIZZARD HITS and he gets stranded in midtown. and he and rusty are buds but like. Email Buds. they dont hang out irl and therefore they dont let their Totally Bud-Like Feelings mess up their professional relationship. but danny is stranded and its hanukkah and he ends up crashing at rustys place for the duration of the blizzard. and then rusty ends up coming to debbies place for the rest of the holidays. and then they kiss on new years eve and debbie kicks them out bc theyre being gross

- And More! thanks for the ask, anon! sorry it got so long lol i just have Many Thoughts