#jtky universe

[supergraphicultramoderngirl]

i don’t wanna keep secrets just to keep you

summary: cyrus and tj are childhood best friends. tj’s there for him when cyrus comes out to his family and it doesn’t go well, he watches him grow up and be proud of who he is, and he may or may not fall in love in the process. the only issue is, he’s not nearly as proud of himself as cyrus is. and yeah, cyrus is always gonna be there for tj, but now, a recent college grad, he’s done hiding. will they make it out together?

word count: 6.2K

(hey so i kinda accidentally deleted the whole thing and lost all of my formatting so other than the major flashbacks the previously italicized things aren’t anymore and it bugs me too but just like,, deal with it)

taglist: @citrus-thelonious @heart-eyes-kippen @danceacademys @kippenmittens @vi-the-best-you-can @tjskipping @simplycyrus @luzawithoutu @lizzybeth-eleventyseven @green-lemonboys @oblivioustj @theobligatedklutz @nineteenohtwo @theconfusedravenclaw @i-swear-its-just-me @bambiandambi @isisisak @fallout-of-my-chair

“TJ?” Cyrus’ voice shook, cracking from the tears, but whispered from fear of his parents overhearing.

TJ may have been asleep before, but he sure as hell wasn’t now, hearing that tone in his best friend’s voice. “Cyrus? What’s wrong?”

His tone remained hushed, even less stable than before, “Can I stay over at your house tonight?”

TJ glanced over at his clock. 2:38am. Why now?

“Please,” Cyrus choked out.

TJ didn’t even hesitate in answering, “Of course. Come in through my window, okay?”

Not even ten minutes later, Cyrus crawled through the window and stood for a moment before body racking sobs erupted from him. It was painful to watch, and TJ wanted to burn alive whatever could’ve possibly made him feel that way. He didn’t deserve that. He never could.

Cyrus collapsed into TJ, who gripped him like he was falling off the edge of the earth. He knew for a fact then that he would always be there to catch him.

But Cyrus was gone before TJ woke up that morning.

———

“Hey,” TJ caught up to Cyrus while walking in the hallway towards their history class. To say that he was scared for his friend after what happened the night before was an understatement. “Are you okay?”

Cyrus laughed incredulously, “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” He hoisted his textbooks closer to his chest.

TJ furrowed his brows. “Last ni—“

“I don’t want to talk about it.” The look on his face was something terrifying. His lips were pressed into a tight smile, but his eyes told three stories at once. They told him to shut up, they told him he was angrier than TJ had ever seen him, they told him that he was still aching, still crushed from whatever happened.

“Okay,” TJ spoke slowly, “but you know I’ll always be here for you, right? No matter what’s going on?”

Cyrus’ hard visage almost melted for a second, like he wanted to cave in so badly, but after a flicker of fear sparked in his eyes, he shifted his gaze to his feet and continued walking.

“Yeah. I know.”

———

“What do you mean you’re ‘not gay anymore’? That isn’t exactly something you can just switch on and off, you know,” Buffy retorted, bewildered by the words coming out of her best friend’s mouth. Andi sat beside her, equally surprised and confused.

“I mean, I’m not gay anymore. It was a mistake, I probably just judged my feelings wrong or something,” Cyrus mumbled, then sighed, straightening up in his seat. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore, alright?”

“Too bad, because something obviously happened if you went from total heart eyes with Jonah and TJ and running away after kissing Iris to suddenly being straight, so spill,” Buffy pushed back, trying to make sense of her friend’s behavior.

Andi leaned forward, taking his hands in hers. “Look, Cyrus, you don’t have to tell us anything, but we’re here for you no matter what, okay? We’re always gonna be here for you.”

His eyes grew misty despite not losing their closed-off demeanor, and he threw them a watery smile. “Thanks. I...” he trailed off. “I want to tell you, but I can’t. I want to tell you so badly, you know.” He stood up then, grabbing his coat. “I’m just gonna take off and head home,” he paused, “see you guys later.”

Andi and Buffy shared a worried look, shoving their baby taters away from them a bit.

They lost their appetite.

———

Sophomore year just began, and yet TJ was swamped with homework already, which became his primary focus on his walk home from school. This explains why he ran directly into someone while trying to think through his schedule, and how the hell he was possibly going to handle math this year.

TJ quickly moved to apologize, “Oh, sorry— Cyrus? Hey, what’re you doing?”

Cyrus gave him a tight-lipped smile. It’d been two years since they last talked, two years and a little bit more since that night. “I’m on my way to Andi’s,” he explained.

TJ looked down, squinting. “With two suitcases and a duffel bag?”

Cyrus nodded, yanking his jacket to cover his torso more. “Yep.”

TJ grew even more obviously concerned. “Is everything alright?”

Cyrus closed his eyes and took a terse sigh. “Everything is fine, TJ. Mind your business, please.” He shoved past the taller boy, making his way to, presumably, Andi’s house.

•••

“For two years, I’ve let you all do this to me. I’ve tried to be the mediator, I’ve tried to repress it all, but for god’s sakes, you’re all the therapists here! This is your job! Not only as a therapist, but as a parent, you should support and be there for your kids!” He took a sigh. “This is not just something I’m confused about, alright? This is a part of me that I’ve known for years, and a part of me that I’ve had for even longer. You don’t get to choose what parts of me you want around, you get all of me, or none at all. Take your pick.”

His mother closed her eyes, while the other three adults stared at him with disdain and pity, something you should never be getting from your fucking parents. “If you’re going to choose to continue living this way, then I guess we’re forced to say none at all, Cyrus.”

Cyrus’ hand shook as he pointed at her. “You are not forced in this situation, Mom. You are the one making a choice, not me.”

“Just make this easier on everyone and start packing your things,” his father interjected.

Cyrus did so, body-racking sobs overtaking him all the meanwhile, reminding him of the first time he’d tried to bring this up around them, the last time he had his rock still around.

The four adults watched him leave, they watched as he stopped himself in the doorway and turned back to say to them. “If you really think I’m going to hell, I’ll see you all there.”

The door slammed shut, and yet it was the most silent moment that house had ever had.

•••

Two weeks after their run-in, TJ spots Cyrus waltzing into school with a pride pin adorning his typical polo shirt.

Cyrus may have been proud of himself, but TJ was almost prouder.

———

The first time Cyrus got a boyfriend was when TJ really noticed it. The weird aching yet stabbing feeling in his chest, that wait, something is wrong here feeling.

That green-eyed monster feeling.

Had TJ thought it was weird he’d never really gotten a crush before while all of his friends would talk about girls all the time? No, maybe he was just a late bloomer, he presumed. Did he feel off whenever one of his teammates comments on how hot a girl is and he can’t bring himself to understand why he thinks that? No, he probably just didn’t think that specific girl was cute. Right?

Did TJ notice a weird fluttery feeling, a swoop in his stomach, something his friends only associated with their girlfriends, every time he saw Cyrus as of late? Hell yeah, he did.

And it was terrifying.

When Cyrus got a boyfriend, it made it even worse. Especially when everyone kept saying that they were shoe-ins for homecoming royalty, and that they would be the two to make it all the way past college, that they were perfect for each other. Especially since this was the period of time that Cyrus chose to become better friends with TJ again, because he “missed his company”.

Yeah, okay, guess he’ll just deal with it then. Right?

———

The universe was now obviously out to get him. That had to be it.

Two more years passed, TJ’s crush didn’t let up, and neither did his guard. He remained heavily in the closet, and was prepared to stay there for potentially the rest of his life. It’s not like people wouldn’t support him, I mean, there’s only two homophobic assholes at their school and TJ could definitely handle them, plus, his mom seemed pretty open-minded with things. The whole concept to him was just terrifying. Too many layers of different.

Anyways, two years passed, and TJ received a text from his best friend that would either ruin or save his life.

Him and Cyrus got into the same college. Cyrus’ boyfriend did not.

The universe had to be fucking with him, at this point, like come on.

———

TJ’s night before graduation was surprisingly filled with pints of ice cream and cheesy romcoms that were easy to make fun of.

Oh yeah, Cyrus’ boyfriend broke up with him that day, something about not wanting to deal with an LDR, and that he wasn’t expecting it to last, anyway. Naturally, TJ stepped in to his role as best friend and offered a place for him to sleepover.

After Cyrus threw popcorn at the screen in anger for the third time that night, he huffed and grabbed the remote to pause the movie. “I’m over this. I can’t watch this anymore. It’s unrealistic.” He looked over to TJ, who was already looking back at him. He always was, wasn’t he? “You know what I’m talking about, right?”

TJ shrugged. “I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been in a relationship,” he pointed out.

Cyrus sat in thought for a moment, drying tear stains shining from the glow of the TV. “Oh, wait, wow, you’ve never been in a relationship. Why the hell have you never been in a relationship?”

“I... don’t know,” he replied, but as he looked at the boy in front of him, he realized he knew exactly why.

It had always been him.

•••

A small brunette boy walked up behind the sandbox timidly. He asked with a small voice, “Can I help you make sandcastles?”

The blonde boy already sitting in the box, knees already covered in sand, turned around to see the other boy. “Yeah, of course! Do you wanna make the moat?”

The brunette boy nodded and knelt down to play with the blonde. From a distance, some of the blonde’s friends pointed and laughed. “Look, Kippen’s playing with the baby!”

As the brunette’s face dropped, the blonde knew then that he would make sure he never felt sad like that. He turned to look at the boy and said, “Don’t listen to them, they don’t know what they’re saying. They’re just a bunch of butts.”

The brunette laughed, and the blonde already loved the sound. “I’m TJ.”

“I know.” The brunette threw him a small smile. “Cyrus.”

•••

“I don’t know, TJ, something just feels off, you know? Like, I should like her, she’s my girlfriend, but I don’t know,” Cyrus ranted.

TJ internally huffed. For some reason, he always hated it when Cyrus talked about his girlfriend, Iris. He didn’t exactly know why. “Maybe you just don’t like her, Cy.”

“But she’s exactly like me! She’s like the perfect girl! And yet, nothing,” Cyrus rambled, exasperated.

“Maybe that’s why. I mean, they do say opposites attract, right?” TJ shrugged.

Cyrus squinted at him in thought. “Maybe.”

TJ couldn’t help but notice that the two of them were almost complete opposites and yet they were the best of friends.

•••

To say that TJ was jealous was an understatement.

That day was the third day in a row that Cyrus blew him off to hang out with Andi and Buffy. It was obvious he had a crush on one of them, and that’s why they had so many closed meetings. It had to be. He had just broken up with Iris, maybe he realized he actually had a crush on one of the two girls he’d grown close with over the course of middle school. TJ just wanted his best friend back.

TJ slammed his locker door shut with a huff, turning to nearly run into a confused Cyrus. “Hey, what’s wrong, Teej?”

TJ closed his eyes for a moment. “It’s nothing.”

Cyrus only grew more concerned. “It’s obviously something if it’s bothering you this much.”

TJ sighed. “Do you like Andi or Buffy?”

Cyrus’ eyes widened. “No, of course not! What in the world could possibly make you think that?!”

“You keep blowing me off for them,” TJ replied in a small voice.

“Ohhh,” Cyrus’ doe eyes widened more in realization. “Believe me, TJ, there is no way that I like either of them. I just really needed to talk something through with them.”

“What could you talk about with them and not me?” TJ asked.

“School project, that’s all. I’m really sorry for blowing you off, TJ,” Cyrus replied, patting TJ’s shoulder, then making his way to class.

———

College was underway, and with more and more work piling up and super conflicting schedules, TJ and Cyrus drifted apart again. It wasn’t intentional this time, at least, they just didn’t have enough time to see each other.

Despite not being around each other anymore, TJ still watched Cyrus thrive. He watched Cyrus join the college’s GSA and soon become president of it, he watched Cyrus put out his first short film as it quickly became a big hit, he watched as Cyrus’ film became a stand out piece in a local film festival— the first one to feature a gay main couple, and he watched as Cyrus headlined his own float for LGBT+ members of the film industry at their local pride parade. He watched Cyrus come into his own.

And yet, TJ was still trapped himself.

He studied education with a minor in history, he was a star player on the school’s basketball team, and he had a few friends. A couple friends. A friend. A roommate. Who was gone half the time with his girlfriend.

He wanted to be out, god knows he wanted to be out so badly. He wanted to confront and yell at himself, asking, why the hell aren’t you being who you are?! What’s your excuse?! Why’re you such a coward?!

Because if he truly lived as he was, maybe he would be that much happier. Have some actual friends. Do something other than work.

But god knows he couldn’t do that.

So he watched Cyrus do it instead.

———

They graduated.

TJ had a job now, he’d become a guidance counselor at a middle school maybe ten minutes away from Shadyside. Not exactly his intention going into education, but it worked well enough.

He couldn’t help but think that a certain brunette would be much better at breaking down young minds than he would be, but that certain brunette was debuting his first major film in a local theater that weekend. It was a memoir type story, about his life. TJ was too busy to see it.

It was mid afternoon in late October when it happened. TJ had been walking to his apartment, headphones in, when he ran into a stranger walking the opposite direction. He turned to apologize, “Oh, sorry— Cyrus Goodman?”

The man turned to look at him. “TJ Kippen?”

TJ smiled. “Hey, long time, no collision.”

Cyrus gave him an easygoing smile. “Yeah, I guess so.”

TJ shrugged his jacket on more, the cold biting at his spine, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. “I heard you’ve got a movie coming out this weekend?” At Cyrus’ proud nod, he continued, “I know how much you’ve loved doing that stuff. I’m really proud of you.” You have no idea how proud I am.

“Thanks, TJ,” Cyrus replied, his countenance only growing softer. Then, suddenly, he grimaced. “I guess we lost contact again, huh?”

It’s not like I wanted to. “Yeah.”

“How about I get your number and socials so that doesn’t happen again?” Cyrus said, an apparent teasing lilt to his voice.

TJ smiled softly. “Of course.”

———

Within weeks, the two became inseparable again. Yeah, they had busy schedules, but they were adults now. Priorities.

And apparently, these priorities included binging Netflix on a Friday night and ordering pizza at Cyrus’ house.

Everything that had happened between the two of them over the course of the time they had reconnected reminded TJ so vividly of the last two years of high school, it was like his giddy schoolboy crush had come back tenfold, like he had his favorite elementary school buddy back. They had both matured, sure, but they were still the same. They were still TJ and Cyrus. Attached by the hip.

“Everything on here is shitty, let’s just talk,” Cyrus suggested, turning to face TJ while they both sat on the couch.

“Okay,” TJ shrugged. “Talk about what?”

“Don’t know, didn’t think I’d get that far,” Cyrus joked, the two of them sharing a small laugh.

“Any boys?” TJ asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

Cyrus shoved him with his elbow, laughing, “What is this, a middle school sleepover?”

“You didn’t say no,” TJ teased.

“No, there are no boys,” Cyrus replied, rolling his eyes. “What about you, any girls catching your eye lately?”

TJ laughed, mildly nervous now, the same as he always was whenever the topic of girls came up. “N-no, no girls.”

Cyrus scoffed, mouth full of pizza. “Please, a guy like you’s gotta have tons of ladies falling all over you.”

TJ shrugged again, more falling in on himself now, “I guess, I just don’t like any of them, though.”

Cyrus raised an eyebrow. “Did you have a girlfriend in college or anything either?”

TJ shook his head, crossing his arms to hide his now fidgety hands.

“TJ, have you ever even liked—“

“Cyrus, just... drop it.”

Cyrus just furrowed his eyebrows and grabbed the remote. “Ohhh...kay.” He switched it over to Hulu and picked a random show for them to watch, the comfortable silence from before having shifted into one of tension.

———

To say TJ was nervous was an understatement.

Why was he so nervous? He had no reason to be this nervous. He had 23 years to prepare for this moment, and yet he was still fucking nervous. His hands shook as he slowly took a seat on a park bench, the one nearly twenty feet away from the swing set. Their old swing set.

TJ had arrived 20 minutes earlier than he asked Cyrus to meet him, as an attempt to try and calm himself down. So far, it wasn’t working, all he could think about was how horrible this could end; how once he said it, he could never go back. It would be real.

Cyrus, being Cyrus, got there ten minutes after TJ did, slowing his pace of approaching when taking in TJ’s nervous state. “Hey, Teej, you alright?” he asked, taking his seat next to TJ.

“No,” TJ mumbled.

“I know you wanted to tell me something, but if it stresses you out this much, you don’t have to,” Cyrus said, placing his arm on his friend’s shoulder. He removed it quickly, however, when TJ flinched away. “D-did I do something?”

“No,” TJ jumped to respond. “I just, I don’t know why I’m so nervous about this, I have no reason to be, I—“

“But you are, and those feelings are valid, alright?” Cyrus said softly, as if approaching a small animal. TJ hated it. He wasn’t some fucking bunny, why couldn’t he just say it?

“Cyrus,” TJ started almost breathlessly, then took a deep sigh, looking at the ground. “I’m gay.”

“Teej.” Cyrus took TJ’s hands in his, forcing him to look back up at him. “I am so proud of you, you know that, right? I know how hard it is to come out and say it— no pun intended. Thank you for trusting me with this,” he continued, a soft smile ever present on his face.

“Of course I trust you,” TJ replied in almost a rasp. “I just feel bad that I never told you earlier.”

“You know when it’s the right time, TJ.” Cyrus let go of his hands then, and TJ did his best to mask his disappointment as he leaned back in his seat. “If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you known?”

•••

“Don’t listen to them, they don’t know what they’re saying. They’re just a bunch of butts.”

•••

“I mean, they do say opposites attract, right?”

•••

“I know how much you’ve loved doing that stuff. I’m really proud of you.”

•••

TJ closed his eyes. As long as I’ve known you. “I don’t know. Maybe I always have. Just didn’t wanna face it, I guess.”

Cyrus looked down at the ground, at his feet, nodding. “I can understand that.”

TJ looked over at Cyrus, not moving his head, and seconds later Cyrus did the same, causing them both to break out in small laughter. “Hey, now we can watch gay movies together and I can tease you about boys!” Cyrus quipped.

TJ laughed along, the two boys leaning into each other with their shoulders, and TJ tried his best to hide the small blush appearing on his cheeks.

Maybe coming out wouldn’t be that bad.

———

So maybe coming out was that bad.

It wasn’t him, necessarily, instead it was his sister, Amber. She’d brought her girlfriend home to introduce to their parents the past weekend, and apparently it hadn’t ended well, considering TJ heard nothing about it until he visited home the following weekend.

“What do you mean I shouldn’t talk to my sister anymore? Did Amber end up in jail or something?” TJ asked, sitting by the kitchen island while his mother made herself a salad.

The woman set the small knife in her hand down on the counter and turned around to face TJ, a horrifyingly icy look etched into her eyes. “Did you know that she was a homo?”

And that’s when his heart dropped into his feet.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and hoped to god that his mother didn’t notice how his face paled at her statement, saying, “No, I had no idea.”

He stared back down at the marble on the kitchen island, memorizing every crack and crevice held inside while his mother talked about who knows what— it all sounded muddled as if he was underwater to him, and he quickly escaped the confinements of the house that no longer felt like home after dinner, pulling the excuse of having lots of extra work to do out of thin air.

That’s what it felt like he was breathing. Thin air, less and less and less of it. He was suffocating.

———

Cyrus and TJ grown a lot closer since TJ came out, their glances just a little longer and their smiles just a little softer, and their Friday movie nights almost became a unspoken mandatory thing. But Cyrus noticed that TJ had been more closed off that past week, and it especially showed when he came over to watch some movie that Friday. They settled down to the couch, but significantly further away than usual.

“What, are you not going to let me use the blanket tonight or something?” Cyrus teased with a small laugh.

TJ almost snapped out of whatever dazed state he was in and tossed Cyrus the other end of the blanket with a “Yeah, sorry.”

Cyrus looked him up and down, then put the TV remote back on the table. “You know what? No movie tonight. We’re talking about whatever the hell is throwing you off.”

“Cyrus, I don’t wanna talk about it,” TJ sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Okay, fine,” Cyrus replied, turning his body to face TJ completely. “Then we can talk about something else.”

TJ knew what he was doing, they would talk about something else and then he would pull his psychoanalyzing shit and maneuver the conversation to what was bothering him because it’s not good to bottle things up. He knew that. Maybe TJ did wanna talk about it, but he couldn’t.

“Fine, whatever.”

Cyrus fiddled with a tassel on the blanket. “Any boys?” he asked, causing TJ’s breath to hitch.

Yeah, you, but it’s not like you or anyone else can ever know that.

“TJ,” Cyrus whispered, putting his hand on TJ’s, “talk to me.”

Goddamnit.

TJ looked up into Cyrus’ eyes, trying to say something, anything, but he was frozen still. At least, he was until he noticed Cyrus looking at him with the same intensity he had. He found himself leaning in and Cyrus doing the same, the closeness almost becoming overwhelming.

“Cyrus, I—“

And then they were kissing.

It was perfect, really, the feeling was amazing and the massive choir of anxiety that seemed to hover over TJ all the time lately faded in the background for a minute. He let himself enjoy it, because the second it was over, he would have to deal with it all, with all the consequences that come with it.

After Cyrus pulled away, TJ’s eyes remained closed before slowly fluttering open. Trying to form a coherent sentence at Cyrus’ expectant gaze, the best thing he could come up with was, “Are you pitying me?”

Cyrus grew an incredulous face. “What? No, TJ, I like you.”

I like you.

Oh my god, he likes me.

“I like you, too, Cy.”

The two boys shared a soft and private smile, before Cyrus mumbled, “So, what does this mean, then?”

TJ shrugged, “I don’t know, what do you want it to mean?”

Cyrus looked at him with an incredibly adorable hopeful smile that was hard to look away from. “Boyfriends?”

Ah, shit.

Cyrus obviously could see his face drop at the word, notes by his “What?”

TJ sighed. “Cyrus, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted you to ask me that, for any of what’s happened today to happen. But...”

“But what? What’s the problem?” Cyrus scoffed.

“I’m still not ready for any of this. I thought I would be, I mean, I should be by now, but I’m not. I can still barely say the fucking word out loud, let alone have a public relationship and ask someone else to deal with my bullshit fear. I really, really like you, Cyrus, but there is no fucking way that I can be any form of out right now. So unless you’re cool with, like, a secret relationship, then I can’t let anything happen right now, no matter how much it devastates me.”

Cyrus just sat in silence in front of him, eyebrows furrowed in thought. TJ watched him as the warmth slowly drained out of his eyes and was replaced with ice, the one face he never thought he would see from the brunette. Cyrus started speaking, a steady yet terrifying tone to his voice, “You think I haven’t been waiting for this, TJ? Are you kidding? I’ve liked you since, like, middle school. But I can’t do that for you, I can’t have a secret relationship. I’m not going to shove myself back in the closet just because you’re scared. I did that for way too long for too many people, and there’s no way I’m doing it again. I’m too proud of who I am now to do that.” Cyrus scooted away from him on the couch, biting his nail, before adding, “I hope that one day you are too.”

“Me too,” TJ whispered, before quickly gathering his things. “I’m gonna head out.”

“I think that would be best,” Cyrus replied quietly, tone filled with disappointment.

Shutting Cyrus’ front door felt like severing a limb.

———

Two days later, TJ got an email.

It was an automated email, from Cyrus to a bunch of his closest friends, inviting them all to watch a filming of a scene for a movie he was directing. Cyrus probably forgot to remove him from the list after what happened. He wouldn’t still want him to come, would he?

He decided to go.

He showed up the next day to the set mid-scene, probably ten minutes late, and immediately took note of Cyrus sitting in his chair. He looked drained, paler than usual, irritated. TJ hates that it was probably his fault.

He stood a distance away from the rest of the standing audience, spotting Andi and Buffy across the room, older than he had last seen them but still just as lively. Andi had grown out her hair to her shoulders with a few blonde streaks in it, and Buffy donned business attire, a large briefcase next to her suggesting to him that she’d arrived there from her job. He wondered what they’d ended up doing with their lives, but he was snapped out of his reverie by Cyrus’ exclamation.

“Oh my god, are you kidding? Can’t you see the level of emotion this monologue is supposed to have? Do you need me to act this out for you?” Cyrus shouted, getting up. “Here, give me the script,” he continued angrily as he marched toward the actor, who handed him the script fearfully.

Cyrus began reading, fully in character, not taking his eyes off the paper at first. “I know it’s gotta be hard for you, right? I mean, you have all these expectations to live up to, most of which come from your own head. I know you’re scared, Tyler. But don’t you think that I am, too? I’ve got expectations, too. I have so many people that hate me for who I am without even knowing who I am. I used to be so fucking terrified of it all, for god’s sake, my parents hated it too. But I’m proud of myself now. I don’t hate it anymore, I can’t hate something I can’t control. You can’t either.”

Cyrus looked up from the paper, locking eyes with TJ. TJ didn’t think those eyes could possibly get any deeper.

“You could be up here with me, above all of those shitty high school bullies and annoying parents and idiot strangers. I know that you have it in you, Tyler. You should give yourself the ability to be whoever the hell you want to be. You deserve to be yourself, don’t you understand that?”

Cyrus took a step forward. He was speaking to TJ now, it was obvious to anyone watching. But for some reason, it felt like no one was.

“You don’t have to be afraid anymore.”

And damnit, TJ broke.

He stormed out quickly, not angrily, but instead trying to hide the free flowing tears dripping off his face.

Inside, Cyrus dropped the script, saying quietly while moving to follow TJ out,  “Uh, just excuse me for a minute.”

TJ had made his way well down the sidewalk, but Cyrus caught up to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. TJ whipped around, wiping his face, to which Cyrus responded softly, “You came.”

TJ closed eyes for a moment before mumbling, “Of course I came.”

Cyrus launched into a ramble, “TJ, I didn’t mean to make that about you, I just’ve been so hung up over this, the movie isn’t even related to what’s going on and, god, I’m sorry I didn’t remove you from the goddamn email list, I—“

“You were right, though,” TJ interrupted.

“What?” Cyrus froze.

“You were right.” TJ took a step closer to him. “I shouldn’t be afraid anymore.”

“But what about what you said? About not being ready?” Cyrus whispered, also inching closer to him.

“I’m still not, Cy. I’m terrified,” TJ admitted, “because once I face it, it’s real, I can’t hide it away anymore.”

“Oh.”

“But,” TJ continued, taking another step forward, “if you’re willing to wait just a little longer, I will be ready. I just need time.” At Cyrus’ speechless gaze, he added, “I promise it won’t be another ten years, though.”

“TJ, I’m not hiding again,” Cyrus stated, the most sure he’d been this entire conversation.

“You won’t be.” TJ took a hold of one of Cyrus’ hands. “Just be there for me like you always have been, and I promise you, it’ll happen. I like you too much for it not to.”

“You promise?” Cyrus asked in a whisper.

“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” TJ replied, his voice raspy and smile soft and small.

Cyrus closed his eyes, sighing. “Alright.”

“Good.”

———

“How about we do something different tonight?” TJ suggested, only two weeks after he made his promise. He had a plan to fulfill it that night.

“What, do you want to watch Hulu instead of Netflix or something?” Cyrus asked, confused.

“No, I mean, let’s go to the movies,” TJ suggested, a wide grin on his face.

A hesitant smile slid its way onto Cyrus’ expression. “You never want to go out, why?”

TJ shrugged, the grin not leaving his face. “Thought it could be fun.”

Cyrus squinted, then smirked. “Drive-in?”

“Like you even need to ask,” TJ scoffed. “Let’s go.”

•••

They had pulled into the lot playing Love, Simon and Booksmart, a hazy glow setting the mood as dusk settles over the crowd. Small fireflies dot the sky, and Cyrus watched them with amazement. TJ looked with amazement too, but not at the fireflies, instead at the brunette boy next to him, wrapped under their shared blanket in the trunk of TJ’s car.

It was in that moment that TJ really got a good look at him; maybe it was the streetlight making his hair glow with a golden tint, or the way the moon reflected in his eyes, but he noticed something here never really had before. There was still his classic smile and the same cheerful brown eyes, but he was no longer the person that TJ had met long ago in middle school. He had grown into his figure, no longer lanky like he was in high school and stood only an inch shorter than himself. He wore less button ups than he used to, especially those with patterns, and TJ couldn’t remember the last time he’d worn a cardigan. He held himself differently than he used to, as well; he seemed more confident, less falling into himself and more chin raised up with somewhat of a sense of pride. He wasn’t the person TJ had gotten to know. He had changed, and TJ got to witness it, he got to see him truly come into his own.

He realized then that this was his chance to do the same.

“Cyrus?” TJ whispered, causing the brunette to tear his eyes away from Simon having a heart to heart with his mother.

“Hm?”

TJ’s voice was caught in his throat, not knowing what to say, where to start, and it was apparently enough for Cyrus to notice, as after a beat, he asked quietly, “Is there something you wanna tell me?”

“Yeah,” he rasped out, inching his hand ever so slightly towards Cyrus’.

Cyrus scooted closer to him, took TJ’s hand in his, and intertwined their fingers. “Then say it.”

TJ’s hand was practically burning, and if he turned his head just a smidge, their faces would be a mere inch apart. It was as if every molecule in his body, every force in the universe was screaming at him to just do it, just say something. “I can’t,” he whispered.

“Why not?” Cyrus asked, matching tone, and this caused TJ to turn his head.

The two boys looked at each other for a moment, as if they were both mapping out every detail of the other’s face, committing every scar and freckle to memory— that is, until TJ shifted his gaze down to Cyrus’ lips, for only a moment, a millisecond.

That must’ve been what did it, what made him snap, because then they were kissing.

It was nothing like the first one, really. The first one was questioning, a puzzle piece sliding into place, figuring out that yes, this is what I want. But this one, this one was passionate, it was I never want to lose you again, it was you’re what was meant for me this entire time, I need you, I love you...

Okay, maybe a little early for that one.

Regardless, it was perfect, and he could see the slight fear in Cyrus’ eyes when they pulled away.

“I have never wanted anything more than to be with you, Cyrus. You know that, right?” TJ mumbled, slightly out of breath.

Cyrus nodded, taking a long blink.

“And, I...” TJ looked down, fiddling with his fingers. He continued, “I’d love to be your boyfriend, if you’ll take me.”

Cyrus smiled at him, almost blinding, filled with affection and pride. He nodded, throwing his arms around TJ’s neck in a tight hug, and TJ held him back just as tight.

———

TJ never told his parents, he never felt like he needed to. He never told his parents when him and Cyrus had started dating, and he never told them three years later that the two of them had gotten engaged. Which is why some may have found it odd that he sent a wedding invitation to them with no warning. Needless to say, they never RSVP’d.

It might’ve been weird to that same some that neither of the two men’s families were at the wedding, no parents of either groom present for slow dances, only many, many friends that they had made throughout the years, old and new. But it was perfect to them. It was theirs.

[supergraphicultramoderngirl]

fics currently planned to take place in the same universe as “i don’t want to keep secrets just to keep you”:

just give me trust (and watch what’ll happen): cyrus going to andi’s house and joining the mack family

won’t give my heart in vain: cyrus’ breakup with his high school sweetheart

found myself when i was going everywhere: cyrus’ first movie premiere

no other version of me (i would rather be tonight): tj and cyrus move in together

i love you, ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?: the proposal

(all i know is, darling) i was made for loving you: the wedding

[title tbd]: andi gets blonde streaks and meets an old friend

anything else from that universe that you want me to write!!

[supergraphicultramoderngirl]

any other ideas????

[supergraphicultramoderngirl]

does this mean i have to do it myself bc i will

y’all got any good recs for yearning sapphic fics that aren’t 20 chapters long???? rb blease