#jsut tired and tired and tired of people trying to live their dreams through me is it not enough

[magicandmaybe]

oh fuck this. today was terrible.

[beatlevmania]

Dating the teddy beatles

Request: I just came back from reading your head cannons and I love them sm!!! Could you write some for what I’d be like dating each of the Teddyboy!Beatles? A/n: How could I possibly ignore this!? ALSO THANK YOU THANK YOU @myukulelegentlyweeps @casafrass and @spaceyantique FOR HELPING ME THROUGH MY WRITER’S BLOCK <3

JOHN

so. john as a teddy boy. 

let me tell you, i am VERY well educated on the subject

so we all know john has that very tough guy exterior

at first you were pretty intimidated by him and his friends 

but when he first laid eyes on you 

he just MELTED

he definitely went after you hardcore

he knew that you were perfect for him and he just needed you in his life

when you guys first got together, he never really let you see his soft side

but one day he had just had a really bad day 

and he didnt know who else to go to so he went to you 

he just completely let down his walls and you saw the real him. 

he just wraps those arms around you and just lets it all out 

and you stroke his hair and kiss his cheeck and whisper that you love him 

afterwards he gets kinda embarassed but you just remind him that you love him- all of him 

anyway enough with the sad parts

john DIES when you wear his leather jacket. like DIES

he wants everyone to know that you’re HIS girl 

he’s always touching you- holding your hand, sitting you on his lap, arm around your shoulders

he kinda just needs reassurance that youre gonna be there for him no matter what 

he always calls you “birdie”, “little girl”

so when he calls you by your actual name

he says it so tenderly and jsut with so much love in his eyes

Ok also a plus

Mimi LOVES YOU

SHes always inviting you around which makes you feel like part of the family

Anyway, John loves your alone time together

AND CUDDLING

he likes playing guitar for you 

not just his rock and roll songs, but love songs hes written

songs he’d never show anyone else

and he’s so gentle and soft and his sweet little voice-

AH

PAUL

so paul still never really wrapped his brain around the fact that you loved him back

like he just could not believe his luck

youre always reassuring him that you love him 

and that you’re his: “Paul, you know I’m already your girlfriend, right?”

and when you tell him you love him, he gets all red and blushy and smiles from ear to ear

he always flirts with you and is the cheekiest little bastard

he makes many a dirty joke that make you chuckle but blush at the same time 

but anyway just imagine the most romantic boy in the whole world

even though some of the boys make fun of him for being so open and vulnerable with you, he couldn’t imagine your relationship any other way

you guys are always fantasizing about when you will just run away together, to a little farm in the country 

paul is mature beyond his years with you

of course when he hangs out with the other boys hes an absolute crackhead but boys will be boys 

his favorite activity is kissing you and beware he will do it as often as possible 

ANYTIME, ANYWHERE

also, expect tons of little gifts

when you wear a pair of earrings he's bought for you, or a little necklace with both your initials

i mean- you know what this boy’s gonna do

he always brings you around with him wherever he goes

especially band practice

bc he just loves showing you off

but if any of the other boys start getting a little too close to u

they better watch out if u know what i mean

but Paul really is just the absolute best boyfriend we all know the deal

GEORGE

alright so lets establish the fact that teddy Geo is BABEY

also #boyf

continuing on

so our lil Georgie just fell head over heels for you the second he saw you 

we was just a nervous mess around you 

the boys literally had to ask you out for him because he was so nervous 

but you guys absolutely hit it off and became INSPEREABLE

you do everything together

going to the diner for breakfast, going to every concert together, 

you’re at each others houses 24/7, too

you always steal geo’s clothes and wear them 

tshirts, sweaters, jackets (leather jacket too), basically anything of his you have worn at some point 

he loves when you wear his clothes and thinks you look absolutely beautiful 

so we all know Geo could look very scary with his like 

fangs

and his big ol’ cheekbones

but damn is this boy a cuddlebug 

he wants to be cuddling/hugging all the time 

of course as the youngest of all 4 boys geo wants to seem like a tough guy

like he can fit in with the others, or he’s just as “man”

but when the two of you are alone, all he wants is for you to take care of him 

you love playing with the hair at the nape of his neck while he cuddles you 

also, since you go to all of his concerts and shows, they go on pretty late and you can get tired

so George always brings you around to his place and gives you his stuff to wear, and he takes such good care of you 

even gently brushing your hair and getting you ready for bed 

you both fall asleep with your arms wrapped around each other

george thinks you’re absolutely beautiful just wearing any old outfit, no makeup on 

but when you dress up 

this boy freaks the freak out 

he can’t stop staring at you just in awe

he gets all smiley and blushy 

and he smiles with those lil fangs

babey

RINGO

So teddy Ringo was quite intimidating looking

Like even the boys were afraid of him at first when the first met him

But I can imagine the first time you two talked, you both just immediately fell for each other

And you saw he was the absolute sweetest boy ever

FIRST OF ALL RINGOS LITTLE STUBBLE/BEARD THING IS SO HAWT

Anyway now that I got that off my chest

Ringo is so sweet and thoughtful

He loves calling you little nicknames like “honey” or “darling”

Like John, he always wants you in his arms

Literally at all times

He also is always giving you behind-the-back hugs, playing with your hair, kissing your knuckles

Always needing to show you how much he loves you

He loves when you come to band practice and sit on his lap when he plays the drums

He feels like a freaking winner of life

Another thing

He is so so proud that you chose HIM, of all people

He’s constantly reminding people that your “his bird”

Like to everyone

The boy loves you insane amounts

Sometimes you steal his rings and wear them around, and he literally smiles from ear to ear when he notices

You try to get Ringo to stop smoking

And it’s really hard for him but he knows he has to do it, for you

He really just wants you to be proud of him

And whenever you tell him, “good job, baby!” He just GLOWS

Also ometimes, when you guys are lying together on his bed after a show, he tells you about his dreams for the future

And how he wants you there by his side through it all

“I couldn’t imagine life without ‘ya, honey,” he says, kissing the top of your head as you doze off together

Ok let me live out my fantasies ok

Anyway I’m in love with teddy Ringo and thats period Pooh

[robinrunsfiction]

The Lonely Road

Pairing: Gerard Way x Female Reader

Rating: Teen (for online harassment)

Requested By: None

Word Count: 2,400

Author’s Note: Inspired by the song Outnumbered by Dermot Kennedy, so feel free to give it a listen as you read. Originally this was gonna be a Valentine’s story, but now Valentine’s is over, and so I just took out the brief mentions of it. Also it’s a Gerard story so of course it’s longer than intended so taking parts out probably is for the better 😅 Shout out to my number one @mariawritesfanfic for helping me wrap this story up

You scrolled through your twitter feed, as hours on the tour bus left you with few other options to pass the time. Your new album had just come out and you wanted to see how people were reacting to it. 

OMG @(YFN)(YLN)’s album is awesome! Everyone check it out now!

The only reason she’s famous is bc of @gerardway

The album is ok if you consider she fucked her way into stardom

I stg if mcr ever breaks up it’s gonna be (YN)'s fault

(YN) should just break up with gee so he can be with frank liek everyone knows he wants to be

You felt sick to your stomach as you read through the messages. Sure there were tweets from fans saying how much they enjoyed the album, and they love Gerard and you together, but those weren’t the ones that stuck out in your mind. It was the negative messages that caught your attention and soured your mood.

As if he was reading your thoughts, a text from Gerard appeared on your screen. “Hey sugar, congrats on the album. It’s amazing and so are you xoxo love you”

You could feel the tears welling up in your eyes at the love and kindness of his message. “Thanks love," you replied before tossing your phone aside. You pulled shut the curtain on your bunk and let the tears fall silently. 

~

You had met Gerard at an award show. You had always been a fan of his and My Chem, but you were beyond nervous to say anything to him when you saw him across the room. When he approached you and said he actually had been listening to your music and was a fan, you thought you might transcend onto another plane of existence right then and there. You found him to be surprisingly easy to talk to and exchanged phone numbers so you could hang out sometime.

Hanging out sometime turned into hanging out often. Then one night under the stars in his backyard, your casual hanging out turned into sharing your thoughts, hopes, and fears you'd never voiced to anyone. The next day you were worried you'd never see or hear from him again, having revealed too much of your emotional baggage too soon, but that afternoon he called and asked you out on a real date. The date was perfect for two people like you and Gerard, complete with a tender, careful kiss that took your breath away. In an instant, you were falling hard.

After that it really became you and Gerard. When all of your friends found out, they were so happy for both of you, as they could see how happy you made each other. Then one day the rest of the world figured it out as well. Gerard had come to one of your recording sessions and had snapped a picture of you laughing in the recording booth and posted it online with the caption "the most beautiful person making the most beautiful sounds ❤" The fans put it together and a barrage of messages flooded your social media feed. Some people thought it was cute, many were awful, but you let it all roll off your back as you were too in love to care what anyone thought.

Months passed, and now that album was out. You had hoped Gerard would be able to join you on the road, but My Chem was in the studio themselves so he wasn't able to be there. You understood, but being away from him for the first time, while dealing with the stress of releasing an album, your first tour, and his angry fans, it was almost getting to be too much.

You had finally fallen asleep only to be awakened what felt like moments later by your manager Christine's voice.

"Rise and shine rock star, time to charm the lovely people of," she paused and you could hear her flipping through papers, "Fort Wayne, Indiana."

You sighed. You had wanted this for so long, it had been your dream for years. But now you were questioning everything.

~

"We're joined in studio by (YFN) (YLN), her new album just came out last week and we are loving it here on 106.7 FM," the overly cheerful radio host announced. “You have a lot of fans here in Madison!”

"Thank you," you replied with a tired smile. You hoped your lack of energy wasn't evident by your voice.

"Tell us, how much of an influence was your boyfriend? And for anyone who hasn't heard, (YN) is dating that oh so sexy MCR frontman, Gerard Way."

You had gotten this question at almost every interview, as if you were incapable of creating your own music. "He was there for some of the recording sessions, but a lot of the album was written before we met, so not a huge influence musically."

"What's it like to date someone so famous?"

"I mean, it's not like a topic of conversation for us," you replied sharply. You glanced up and saw the look Christine was giving you. "I mean, we talk about music and our projects and give each other feedback, but that's pretty much it. We're pretty normal weirdos."

After the interview was over and you played a few songs live, and then reboarded the bus.

"What the fuck was that?" Christine asked as the bus rolled down the road.

"What the fuck is with these interviews? It's never about me and my music. It's about Gee or the people on the internet and all the bullshit! That's not why I'm out here! I want to talk about my songs!"

Christine nodded. "Ok, I'm sorry girl. You're right. I'll make sure the next one we keep it focused on the music. We can't have you blowing up on another host."

"I didn't blow up! I snapped at worst," you retorted, rolling your eyes.

"Either way, we're on our way to Iowa now."

"Can't wait," you muttered and crawled into your bunk.

~

The dark cloud that had settled over you was not going away or getting better. While Christine was doing a better job of reminding the interviewers beforehand to lay off the relationship questions, they still came up, sometimes after the actual interview was over, sometimes they just disregarded your wishes all together to get juicy gossip. You did your best not to appear annoyed, but the longer you were away from Gerard, the harder it got.

She's an ugly, untalented leech! She doesn't love gee or else she would have put a song about him on the album!

He doesnt seem happy like he used to before her

The album jsut sucks. I mean i didnt listen to it, i just assume it does

She should just die

You couldn't take it any longer. The constant, incessant stream of hate coming at you was too much. You dialed Gerard and went into the back of the bus, shutting the door behind you.

"Hey (YN), how is everything goin?"

"I can't do it anymore Gee," you said, trying to keep your voice steady 

"Do what?" He asked, immediately concerned.

"Tour, be a musician, be someone in the public eye, I can't take it!" You sobbed, unable to control your emotions any longer. "I feel like I have no privacy anymore! Everything I do is wrong, everything I don't do is wrong! I just wanna give up! I don't wanna do this anymore!"

"Hey, hey, sugar, it's ok. Did someone say something to you today?"

"It's been every fucking day," you cried. "I wanna come home, I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't want anyone to know who I am anymore."

"Take a deep breath," Gerard said, trying to keep you calm. "Where are you?"

"On the bus."

"Where are you going, or where were you?"

"I don't even know anymore. All I see is fucking corn everywhere."

"Ok, umm, where is Christine?"

"In her bunk," you sniffled.

"Can I talk to her?"

You got up and made your way to the bunks and knocked on the frame surrounding Christine's.

"Yea?" She asked, opening the curtain. "Woah, girl, what's wrong?"

"Gee wants to talk to you," you said holding out your phone.

"Hello? What's going on?" Christine asked Gerard. She listened and nodded and mm hmm'ed along. "She seemed stressed, but not that bad," she said as she watched you sink wearily to the floor, pulling your knees to your chest. "No, I hadn’t heard that… Yea, we're setting out from Omaha now, on our way to Denver," she paused. "Ok... Yea... Sounds good. Yea, we'll get our girl through this."

You looked up at her from your spot on the floor and she smiled down sympathetically and handed the phone back to you.

"Gee?" You said softly, the anger and fear and frustration having quieted.

"Hey sugar, we've got a plan for you, you're gonna be ok. But where are you hearing from the people that are criticizing you?"

"Twitter," you mumbled and you heard Christine mutter "I knew it."

"Delete it, you don't need that in your life. You're too talented and beautiful and wonderful to let anyone make you feel anything less," he said gently. "I love you, (YN) ."

"Love you too," you replied, a smile finally cracking through.

"Get some rest, we'll talk soon."

~

You had immediately crawled into your bunk and fallen into a deep sleep. The weight of your thoughts no longer weighing you down now that you had shared them with Gerard. When you finally woke up, you were rolling into Denver. You made your way to the front of the bus to find Christine on her phone.

"What's on the schedule today?" You yawned.

"Nothing."

"What?"

"You need a day off. We've been pushing you way too hard, and I just wish I would have realized it sooner. So we moved your interview to tomorrow afternoon and we're staying here overnight."

"Really?" You asked, stunned.

"Yep, we're going to the hotel right now."

It was incredibly refreshing to be in a hotel with a real bed and shower, and everyone was actually thankful for your meltdown that got them this break. 

You took an extra long, hot shower to allow your muscles to relax, and then crawled into bed to call Gerard and give him an update. As his phone rang you heard a knock on your door. Keeping your ear to your phone in case he picked up you answered the door. 

"Gerard!" You squealed as you launched yourself at him and he wrapped you in his arms.

"I missed you so much (YN)," he murmured against your neck. "I couldn't stand to hear the pain in your voice and not be there to make it better.”

"But you hate flying! And your studio time!" You exclaimed as you pulled him into your room and he dropped his bag on the floor.

“We were spinning our wheels and needed a break from recording,” he smiled reassuringly before he leaned in and kissed you with all the longing that had built up over the weeks apart. You ran your hands through his black hair and felt the tears slip down your cheeks. “And I’d fly to the moon if it meant I could spend a minute with you. I just wish I could have been here for you from the beginning, I wish I realized that you were struggling.”

“I didn’t want you to worry about me. I thought I could handle it, but everything kept chipping away at me until I broke down completely.”

“I wanna worry about you, (YN). You’re my girl and I love you, and I wanna be there for you no matter what,” he said softly, wiping away the tears on your cheeks.

“Thank you,” you replied. “It’s just hard when it’s coming at you from every direction.”

“I know,” he said, pulling you back to him in a tight hug. “But for today it’s just you and me. No one else matters.”

You smiled up at him before pulling him into another sweet kiss.

~

The next morning you woke up with Gerard’s arms wrapped around you, holding you close. It almost felt too good to be true. As he slowly started to wake up, he gave you his lopsided smile and you couldn’t help but grin in return.

“I needed this so much,” you said as you buried your face against his neck.

“I did too,” he said squeezing you tight, his voice still raspy with sleep.

“Thank you for being here. I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” he said leaning down to give you a quick kiss. “Wait, I didn’t give you your presents yet.”

“What presents?” You asked sitting up, as he reached over the side of the bed to grab his bag. "I don’t have anything for you!"

"It's nothing, just a couple things I made for you," he said pulling out a large flat envelope and handing it to you.

You carefully pulled out the drawing that was inside. "Oh it's beautiful!”

"It's us the night we watched the stars and talked for hours. That was the night I realized I was falling in love with you. I was so scared you wouldn't even like me like that," he laughed softly.

"It's perfect," you replied. "What's this? ‘Gee+(YN)=gross, a big sappy love mix’" you laughed at scribbled handwriting on the cover of the cd case. Around the words was a big heart and lots of little hearts.

"It’s a mix of songs that remind me of you, and me and you, but Frank decorated the cover. He doesn't really think we're gross, he's just-"

"Frank," you laugh.

"Exactly," Gerard replied. "I was just hoping this would help you get through the last days of your tour."

"It will," you smiled and threw your arms around him. “I think just having you here for a day was enough to get me through. And I know now that I shouldn’t just bottle up what I’m feeling.”

Gerard nodded. “We’re a team, you and me. Let me help you when you’re down and keep you safe from all the bastards and shit talkers.”

“Sounds like a plan,” you smiled as you leaned in and kissed him. “But only if you promise to let me help you do the same.”

“I promise.”

[little-forget-me-not]

im so sorry but every second of being alive is so torturous. every conscious moment i have to fight fight fight. fight to stay here. fight to make it through each second, each minute, each hour.  when i dream nightmares prowl in my head. when i wake it starts all over again, and when i have to DO things it’s so, so horrible. im trying to fix myself up to go to the polyclinic tomorrow to get referrals and im trying to get a haircut on the other end of the country and i have to travel all the way back and forth....it’s going to be so...empty and lonely and so..tiresome these...chores...i do it..cuz i have to love myself..look after myself...i just...i have to feed myself i have to speak and say..words and...battle with my thoughts and ....it’s so much. being alive is such a painful struggle. breathing is so ...so ..difficult. i keep doing it. one might call it strength. others might ridicule it. “dont be crazy don’t be ridiculous don’t be dramatic” whose voices are these....public? family? me? an amalgamation? it’s so...so, so, so sad being alive. i cannot express just how torturous and agonising it is to be alive. and it is so overwhelming, and so shameful to suffer so much. im fighting and yet all i feel is shame, shame, shame. im so tired of crying constantly. im so tired of fighting. fight fight fight. stay stay stay. you’ll be ok ok ok. but i havent been ok in years. ive been staying steadfast, staying strong. but it’s not enough. my strength isn’t enough. i’m not enough. the pain of being alive is too much. how can i take more of this? surely this will kill me? i use dto be able to go to work dilligently. quietly, suffering, i just do and do and do and i hold on, i keep holding on. slowly i breakdown from grief and emptiness. eventually i keep missing work. and then i just stop. now i barely work. i can’t even think about waking up each new day without breaking down and that’s with a day devoid of work. now waking up is agonising. being conscious is suffering. i cant reach out because i feel shame and like im bothering people. it’s just too much. when i try to talk to people, it all goes back in and i think im making this pain up. i try to sound rational, capable, fine. “im actually ok sorry to be so silly and to waste your time” or “im really not ok i don’t know how to prove it what if you think i’m jsut making things up and being pathetic” it’s so much. friends? loved ones? what are those? are they real? they all leave? who is telling me that? darkness everywhere, shadows leaping behind every wall. im just not strong enough. and i feel so horrible for not being strong enough to fight. i feel so pathetic and so weak such a terrible failure for not being strong enough to fight this darkness in my head. depression, unhealthy perspectives, bad upbringing....i tried my best. i fought for so long. i tried to better myself every day and every year i was getting somewhere right? but if so why am i here now? i dont even want to be seen online. i dont believe in myself. all the thoughts i thought i knew, the things i was proud of, the things i felt capable and passionately about...i doubt it all now. i doubt everything. and my inability to see beyond my failings, my inability to be compassionate and kind to myself and to work hard and being a better me just makes me feel so worthless. like it’s the end of my rope. that’s it. if i can’t go back up from here, this is it.

i knew i wouldn’t live past 25.

i want to so badly but i just cant believe in hope and help and i hate it because all i can think about is how it’s my fault i can’t believe in hope or in goodness or that help can ever be found and it’s my fault it’s my fault i think this way if i could believe if i could bELIEVE that things would get better maybe they would...and i try so hard but i can’t get myself to make it a reality and so all i can think is how this is all my fault for not being good enough to rewire my brain even though i try i try but it’s not good enough

[skiasurveys]

472

If you play The Sims, what occupation do you usually choose?

- artist usually haha

Do you know any funny acronyms? If so, tell us a few!

-

Do you always have to listen to music?

- usually

What was the last rule you broke?

- I don’t know..?

Have you ever apologized to someone, but didn’t mean it?

- no I always mean it or I won’t apologize

What is the one thing that you can’t resist?

- singing helpless

Have you ever done another persons homework for money?

- no

Would you rather have the power to heal or to destroy?

- heal

If you could be any kitchen utensil, which one would you be?

- lol I don’t know

If you were the paparazzi, who would you stalk?

- I could never...

What would you do if you were literally stuck in a video game?

- depends on the game!

If you owned any animal, what gender would you prefer?

— I don’t care lol

How much would you pay to see what happens after you die while living?

- I wouldn’t care

Does your pet often jump onto the keyboard?

— she did when I had a desktop

Have you ever treated someone like they were nothing?

- I don’t think so

Do you feel bad when you forget someones birthday?

- if I’m close to them

Would you ever name two guard dogs Lynyrd and Skynyrd?

- no

Would you name two guard dogs something similar?

- idk

If it was the old days, would you challenge your ex to a sword fight?

- lol no he’s taller and bigger than me so he could win hahahahaha

Does it frighten you when animals get into fights?

- only if it’s intense

For guys: Would you give anything to just carry a cute girls books? For girls: Would you do anything to hold a cute boys hand?

>> — not anything

Have you ever witnessed a ghost playing a piano?

- no

Have you ever changed your favorite color?

Goes in between pine and violet

Have you ever met any kind strangers?

- everyone is a stranger at some point

Would you give anything to be in a certain moment in history?

- not really I’m good

When you were little did you touch just about everything in the store?

- I don’t think so. I was good at not being a brat

Do you ever leave your drinks out in the open at a party?

- only if I am with a small group and with friends but other than that.. no

Are you sometimes a bit too nice?

- I am usually always letting people walk on me.

Do you have to be insensitive if you want to survive in the world?

- yeah I would say it would be in ur best interest to just not give a fuck

Have you ever listened to a song over and over until it got old?

- yeah

In magazines, do you like to smell the pages with perfume scents?

- lol sometimes

Have you ever ordered anything from a catalog?

- no

Has there ever been something so beautiful that you wanted to cry?

- yes

Would you support a family member if they became an actor/actress?

- yeah ofc

Would you hire someone to scare someone?

- that’s rude

It is in the time of the Salem Witch Trials. Would you be a witch?

- no

What if you were falsely accused of being a witch?

- that would suck

Is your heart all good or are you still picking up the pieces?

- I’m lost

Have you ever opened a loud package in a very quiet environment?

- yup

Do you add z’s at the end of a word that normally ends with an ’s’?

- nope

In libraries, do you tend to whisper just because it is quiet?

- I do it bc you’re supposed to be respectful

Did you ever dream of getting into Harvard?

- nahhhh

Do you believe you have to be smart to get through a school like that?

- well yeah

If you got offered a high paying job without a degree, would you accept?

- duh

Are you uncomfortable when standing close to strangers?

- as long as they’re not touching me!

If you were living on the streets, would you become a thief?

- if I had to survive

Ever suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?

- yup not severe

Are you still trying to decide what you want to do for a living?

- yes! It changes soooo much and I am so tired of it

Would you be scared if you lived in an old house from the 18th century?

- I don’t think so unless it wasn’t updated or didn’t have any repairs lol

Have you applied to many jobs but haven’t gotten one interview?

- yup

Is your laugh more like a giggle or a roar?

- both

Don’t you wish there was such thing as a teleportation device?

- would be a lot easier but tbh the idea would be weird. Just imagine if you were alone and your friend jsut appears that would scare me lolol

Can you eat a lemon or is it just too sour or gross?

- meh

Crayons, markers, charcoal, or colored pencils?

- coloured pencils are usually my fav. Markers dry out

Can you draw with charcoal without the picture looking like a blob?

- yes! I miss doing those drawings

Do you hate it when guests come over and they never want to leave?

- yes especially if it’s late and I’m clearly tired or spacey

Do you like to try to figure out what is wrong with people physically?

- what.....

Do you have a relative that’ll talk like there is no tomorrow?

- yeah me

Currently are you experiencing a lot of doubt?

- yeah :/

Do you think you’re a real family person?

- maybe I would say I am. I always love spending time with my family so yeah I would say so

Are you a person that’ll draw attention to themselves?

- I hate attention

Have you ever eavesdropped on all the wrong parts of a conversation?

- ofc.. especially when people are way too loud hahaha

Ever had a clubhouse? Ah, the good days, right?

- not really lol

[haunt-me-x3]

anyways i am so gross and sappy but i rly rly rly love everyone and everything so much like i dont know how to explain it i just...i am full of SO MUCH LOVE and its just leakin out of me i just love everything and im so proud of everyone and idk im just really really really grateful that im still here and alive and living my dream?? when we finished recording and posting our first track today, me and @halbob-gaypants and @xxrave-hoexx were like..... in shock honestly Ive wanted to be In A Band since i was like 7 but i never thought that i would be, or I thought i would be in one but not ever play shows (i made my own music for a long time and just put it on bandcamp and soundcloud without ever trying to go out and play it) but here i am, and we've only been a band for like a month and we have 5 songs written and we've played 2 shows and have another one coming up, and people LIKE US, and its insane to me I feel like im in a movie and i feel like things are actually starting to REALLY get better for me Ive grown so much from where i was last year this time, when i was just getting out of the hospital and almost had to go back a few weeks later im jsut really proud of where i am right now I actually feel like im getting better and i havent felt like this since i was like 10 before i started getting panic attacks I used to be afraid of getting better because not being okay has been my most defining trait since i was like 12 and its scary to let go of that and try to get better when its routine and comfortable sadness I was afraid that i wouldnt be the same without being tired and sad all the time But then i realized that im never the same because i am constantly changing, a bit faster than most people because of the unstable identity that comes with having bpd, so it doesnt matter if i wont be the same because im never the same anyway!!! So ive been trying more and its working and i...i feel good Like yeah im crying as im typing this but its not a sad cry its a really happy cry because I realized that i am getting better Im so proud of myself and im proud of my band and im proud of the person that im letting myself grow into March has never been a good month for me, and i used to think that every march would be bad because thats how it was for so long, but here i am almost halfway through march and i feel not only 'okay' but i feel incredible Im on top of the world right now and i just love everything and everyone and i even love myself, which i havent been able to truthfully say in so long

[paradox-oflife]

q and a part 6 pls ignore

1. Who was your favourite teacher at school and why? My 9th grade Lit teacher. She was the kindest soul I’ve ever met.

2. Whats your favourite party game? I LOVE MAFIA. I’m not talking about basic mafia. You gotta play upgraded versions. I personally love playing one called One Night Ultimate Werewolf. I also like playing the law version which is made for super big groups - There’s police involved, and they choose the mafia. The person accused can hire lawyers who defend them. The police have to present their reasoning, and the lawyers have to figure out how to prove them wrong. God it’s basically Danganronpa isn’t it.

3. Is it acceptable or unacceptable to smack a child as form of discipline? Now this is controversial, and understandably so.  I personally would never hit my child and yell at them. But for other people, if it’s a light smack, like a pat, I guess it’s alright. But otherwise nothing harder than that.

4. Can a hetrosexual male ever wear pink? Um, yes??? Do what you want man.

5. Is it criminal to wear socks with sandals? Listen I’ve seen too many people wear these in public to the point where I’m numb to it.

6. If you were captain of a ship, what would you call it? Make it an obscure video game reference or an inside joke. 

7. If you were to join an emergency service which would it be? Probably the medical side of things, like an EMT. Or a firefighter. EMT’s go through a lot of pressure.

8. If you were to join one of the armed forced which would it be? Maybe coast guard. But I really would not want to join the military. I’m too sensitive. If people yell at me I’d probably cry lol. And there’s the colorblind test.

9. Whats the worst thing about being your gender? Periods. And the pain of child birth. Also how it’s scary to walk alone at night sometimes.

10. Whats the best thing about being your gender? Of course this doesn’t apply to everyone, but I feel like sometimes the friendships girls have are more emotional than boys.

11. If you swapped genders for a day how would you spend it? Honestly? Just observe my body. Not in a sexual manner but like, how does it feel like to not have boobs? How does it feel to have a dick???

12. If you were exiled what country would you choose as your new home? I’m moving back to New Zealand lol. I already have a passport and family there. Or maybe Canada if I don’t want a big culture difference

13. Have you ever made someone cry? Yeah :( Not through verbal attack though. I accidentally kicked a football into a girl’s face.

14. Have you ever starred in a school play? In the first elementary school I went to, it was mandatory to do a play. So yes. Three, actually.

15. Were you a member of any celebrity fanclub? Nope

16. Have you ever been a member of any other club? Yes! Animal Services and Protection, CSF (volunteering stuff), Martial Arts

17. If you could have a full scholarship to any university what would you choose to study? The university I’m going to rn

18. Whats been your greatest ever day? I have a lot. One of my favorites was going to an amusement park at the end of middle school. Had a blast.

19. What historical period would you like to live in if you could go back in time? Hmm... Maybe during the Age of Enlightment?

20. What would you bring along to an idillic picnic? My friends, no phones, music, and a sandwich.

21. Whats your favourite childrens story? Does Harry Potter count? I guess not really. When i was little I loved Geronimo Stilton LMAO

22. What movie ending really frustrated you? And how would you change it? The Mist. I mean, it frustrated me not because it was bad, but because it was so FRUSTRATING.

23. What three things do you think of most each day? Now we’re in quarantine, “I wonder how my friends are doing?” “What am I doing with my life?” “Will life be the same?”

24. What do you call your evening meal? Dinner Tea or Supper? Dinner

25. What do you call your after meal sweet? Pudding or Dessert? Dessert. I usually just have a fruit

26. If you had a warning label, what would yours say? “Warning! Certified Grade A Clown!”

27. Have you ever got sweet revenge on anyone? Can’t really think of one

28. Have you ever been to a live concert? aaaah no i really want to though

29. Have you ever been to see stand up comedy? It was a long time ago on a cruise. It was pretty funny :D

30. Have you ever needed stitches? Yup. If you observe closely, you can see a faint scar near my eye. If it was a bit more obvious I’d look like an anime villain lol

31. If you could invent brand new baby names what would they be? LMAO imagine naming your child like, Fire Emblem names. “Hi yes this is my baby, um, his name is Chrom”

32. Do your dreams ever tell you to do anything? I have the most bizarre dreams. They’re super vivid. They range from me summoning tornados, to me being killed in some Danganronpa world. I dreamed of a school shooting once and a couple days later some other school in my state had a shooting

33. Who's your favourite radio 1 DJ? I don’t really listen to radio lol

34. Whats the best way to your heart? Be a good person. Have good morals.

35.  Do you know your own mobile phone number off by heart? Um yes??? 

36. If you were a fashion designer, what style of clothing or accessories would you design? Just comfortable hoodies that don’t change when you wash it.

37. Do you ever laugh at things you shouldn't? I laugh when I’m nervous. Like I go like, “hahahawhat the hell”. I also laugh when I’m shocked.

38. Have you ever been in a submarine? Yes! But it wasn’t underwater.

39. Have you ever walked out of a cinema before the film was done? Nope. 

40. What song would you say best sums you up? Eeeh i can’t decide but Read my Mind by the Killers. Their music video. When he’s twitching his arms, but he’s acting like everything’s fine.

41. Do you have any old friends would wish you could meet up with again? Yeah :( I had a super super close friend from 4th grade and we slowly drifted apart. By the time of high school we just stopped. I want to be friends with her again :((( I really miss her

42. Whats your favourite Nursery Rhyme? Idk... ring around a rosy maybe just because the context of the lyrics lol

43. Do you prefer metric or imperial measurements? Of course I’d take metric over imperial, but I’m used to it by now.

44. Who's your favourite monarch of all time?Queen Elizabeth I

45. What was the last thing you ate? These Asian things called Zong Zi in Chinese. I’m pretty sure like every country has their own version of it lol/

46. Whats your favourite farmyard animal? I love baby chickens but cows for me I guess

47. If you could choose one celebrity to be the father/mother of your child who would it be? Just someone who’s caring. Tyler Joseph

48. What would you do if someone proposed to you tomorrow? If it’s someone I like, then I’d freak out. Because I’m way too young for it.

49. What are your 3 favourite internet sites? Reddit, youtube, and uh... tumblr or wikipedia. I use tumblr mobile way often

50. How high can you jump? Never measured but definitely not that high

51. Which fictional character do you wish was real? aw man i would say a character but then that would imply their universe exists

52. Who was your first crush? PHFFT IT WAS probably Marshall Lee from the genderbent episodes of Adventure Time.

53. Whats the greatest thing about being your nationality? The food

54. Whats the least greatest thing about being your nationality? Having to explain the difference between Taiwan and China. Like. It’s understandable.

55. Do you believe in destiny, fate or free will? I kinda correlate destiny with fate. It’s a bit paradoxical. We have free will to do whatever we want, but whatever choice you make will end up being your “destiny”

56. If you could talk to one species of animal which would it be? Dogs. They just seem so happy all the time. I want to tell my dog I love him so much.

57. If you had friends round what DVD's would you have to watch? Mean Girls, Heathers, Legally Blonde, or Daria

58. Do you like vanilla or chocolate? Vanilla>>> fight me

59. Are you a giver or a receiver? Both

60. Do you have any enemies? Yeah. Me.

61. Are you scared of needles? YES YES YES

62. How many piercings do you have? Nah I was going to get my ears pierced a while ago but something came up so ever since I’ve jsut haven’t gotten it done

63. Have you ever got majorly lost trying to get somewhere? yes it was scary. Had to use google maps because I have a terrible sense of direction

64. How fast can you say the alphabet? 4 seconds

65. Do you say "Zee" or "Zed" to describe the letter Z? Zee

66. What was the last thing to make you feel happy? My dog fell asleep at my feet and I couldn’t move for the past hour but I love him

67. What was the last thing to make you feel angry? A friend of mine. I love her and all but she takes a week to respond to my texts. And I’m tired of waiting.

68. You are walking to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss told you if you are late one more time you're fired. Do you save the dog? Okay realistically I immediately call animal control or the nearest vet or something. But in some alternate universe I’d take pictures as proof, grab the dog, then get it out.

69. Are you the kind of friend you'd want to have as a friend yourself? I perceive myself as a not so great person. But my friends perceive me as a good person. So yeah. i mean, I might not text first sometimes but if smoeone texted me I’d always respond asap!

70. Do you have any questions or queries about things you're just to scared or embarrassed to ask anyone about? Do my friends like me as much as I like them? I’m so scared of that

71. If you were a wrestler what would your stage name be? and what would your special move be called? Haha maybe like Paradoxical (yes thats my blizzard tag) I’d do something like a shihonage

72. Whats the most interesting thing you can see out of your nearest window? A cat

73. Do you think Barbie is a negative role model for young girls? There’s a lot of Barbie models out there. I don’t think they’re completely bad. But there’s negative things.

74. Have you ever needed an eye test? Don’t have glasses so no. But I might need some soon at the rate of time i spend on electronics

75. Do you find yourself attractive? No. I’m just. Average.

76. Can you roll your R's? Yes

77. What social class do you consider yourself or your family background to be in? Upper middle class

78. Do you know any magic tricks? I used to but I never execute them well enough to convince anyone lol

79. Whats the largest amount of money you've ever won? I ever won? Probably like, $100 lol

80. Whats the largest amount of money you've spent in one spree? $200, if we’re not talking necessities.

81. Whats the largest amount of money you've had to borrow off of a friend or family member? I don’t borrow money. But the most from a friend was like $20 maybe.

82. Have you ever been on a cable car? Yeah, San Francisco is known for that stuff. But I’ve only been on one like, twice.

83. Do you prefer Honey or Jam? Jam! But I like honey too.

84. Do you prefer the French or Germans? Uuuuh, French?

85. How fast can you get changed? Pretty damn fast, if we’re talking my normal outfit.

86. How fast do you type? Around 98 wpm

87. How fast can you run? I’m a decent sprinter. I got 12 seconds on a 100m dash.

88. Which is better, Mario or Sonic? Mario. But both are cool

89. Whats your favourite biscuit to dunk? (im assuming british biscuit but in that case idk)

90. Which would you rather have if you had to, a broken leg or a broken arm? Arm. I like walking around.

91. Do you read a daily newspaper? Nah

92. Do you watch the news on TV? Sometimes

93. Have you ever had anything published? Nope

94. Do you believe in love at first sight? Not really. I mean, Romeo and Juliet, and Frozen has warned us right

95. How many remote controls do you have in your house? Two.

96. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna? Yes, and it’s hella

97. Have you ever had chicken pox? Nope. Vaccines rock

98. Do you own a lava lamp? Nah, it seems cool but I’d be too mesmerized by it

[not-tryin-2-have-a-debate]

part 2 poetic waxing

i keep getting really mad at my ex the second i realize i was thinking something thats not real

because to the best of my knowledge she read this blog and heard me talk about my expiriences for so long and then she,,,,completely misunderstood them and tried to replicate them in a way that doesnt. make sense. and isnt what this is. and im still hoenstly really offended by that because wow. and i just wanna say like. especially since this blog is pretty much entirely Unseen now

like

im still terrified to recognize myself as psychotic

i dont want to be psychotic

im afraid to talk about it with my doctor or even touch on the symptoms and eps of it and im terrified to get put on pills for it and its a shit show

i think with the people im closest to i try to normalize the idea of being that way with myself

and i pretend the idea of being psychotic doesnt terrify me and say it freely because its not going away and im scared and i need to learn to not be so scared if im going to deal with it in any capacity i need to be able to recognize it

it was a long process.

i didnt start being that way overnight and i didnt recognize it until way after it started

and its not just 1 thing

to me the embodiment of it and the whole problem is that youre just constantly trying to figure out whats real and whats going on like your being hit on all sides

id describe my perception of and ability to perceive reality as a wall thats always being eroded down but can also have parts break off or have holes blown in it at any second...and im constantly trying to build the wall back up and reinforce it and repair it. but i usually dont have a fully formed wall and even if i got there id only be able to maintain it for so long until half of it got blown up again. etc etc wall metaphor if i leave it itll just fuckin collapse entirely

but yeah yknow like.

a delusion isnt just ‘when you think something that isn’t real.’

and like not to dip a bit too much into tumblr vocab and context or whatever but like,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the way Neurotypicals take symptom descriptions at total face value is...tiring. idk how else to describe it. theres so much context missing.

these symptoms for me started up when i was a kid and got worse.

it was because i have so much family history with this shit that i finally noticed it and compared and recognized the beginning to get worse problem

because ive seen it in my brother and my uncle and my grandma and my family for years and i know it up close and personally

i dont just have some kind of kooky thoughts that i recognize arent real while im having them. my ability to do that at all came with practice and time and repitition.

i dont know when im not dreaming.i see and feel things that arent there.

i think thoughts that i cant recognize as mine and are usually a bunch of nonsense word salad shit.

i have real prolonged trouble recognizing myself as a human being thats physical and has human limits.

i have toruble percieving the present. i have trouble remembering the past.

i constantly really for real feel like ive seen this before.

every time i have deja vu i like have a whoel fuckign Moment lmao

i assume people think the worst of me and want to hurt me.

i assume the end of the world is happening out of nowhere and i really think its happening.

i think God is trying to punish me.

I think spirits are coming after me.

I really believe it.

I spend my day crying and panicking and hiding from shit that isnt real.

i convince myself my whole life is some kind of divine punishment.

its on top of that and

its after years of that

and years of seeing family members older than me and farther into it than me degrading at the same time

that i think some dumb shit and immediately catch myself

or that i think im getting psychic messages and can immediately be like ‘ok calm down’

its because im trying to convince myself im NOT like a psychic prophet and ive been able to recognize it before that i can see a message for what it is and recognize what im doing

its bc ive corroborated the expirience with my brother after doing it for years and years already

i didnt wake up one day and start thinking i was a prophet but also recognizing thats crazy yknow

i thought i was a prophet and then as i grew up i started realizing that it was crazy because i found resources and saw what my family was going through and got so sick of the worst parts and thought something had to be wrong with that picture

and even then the messages arent a delusion

having dejavu and being suspicious of it isnt a delusion

wishing something was true isnt a delusion

believing in gods and spirits and weird reincarnation stuff isnt a delusion

they’re parts of a whole and thats only a few of the parts

like an example of levels

really liking a celebrity isnt psychotic

wishing you were married isnt psychoticdaydreaming about being married to them isnt psychotic

imagining they’re talking to you or they’re addressing something in an interview to you isn’t psychotic, in and of itself (imagining the message but also kind of beliving it also isn’t )

actually beliving they’re addressing you in an interview or something isn’t a delusion, and though its like Psychotically-associated isnt An Automatic Sticker Of Psychosis slapped on your forehead

forgetting you aren’t acutally married sometimes isn’t a delusion.actually beliving you’re married to them is a delusion.

you won’t be able to recognize it as that until later.

the other behaviors, for you, since youre having a delusion, will come off of that.

someone non-delusional who really loved to dream about it might convince themselves into some magical thinking about the celebrity.

for you though, its because you’re married. you’re literally actually married so of course they’re leaving little hints for you! you never get to see each other!

you rationalize it.

because you believe it and having someone put a crack in things you believe in is scary for anyone.

i mean especially wow if someone told you were werent actually married to your spouse and didn’t even know them? they didn’t even know youre name or that you existed? that would be horrifying. of course youd come up with rationalizations.

and that delusion probably started because you really liked them and because you were lonely. but also because youve been having some issues and either are psychotic, were developing psychotic symptoms, or like Had The Propensity To Be Psychotic in general yknow like. the seeds were there or you were already living life as a psychotic tree and this was just a new branch.

after a while they might start to get it.

they might start poking holes in there own reasoning and being brave enough to follow that path.

and hopefully from there theyll get to the still-beleving-it-but-also-recognizing-its-’fake’ stage.

there are a lot of reasons i dont want to be psychotic.

no one should want to be.

anyone who says they want to be is either someone who’s a disgusting creep thinking other peoples crisises are some hot edgy mysterious shit OR theyre a psychotic person trying to humor themselves and be okay with themselves.

and you should be ok with yourself but that shouldnt replace wanting to improve and manage that really scary world-ending parts of shit.thats a whole other topic though

like

i dont want to be psychotic because im terrified of slowly loosing my mind. thats a freaky prospect that no one should really want. i only want that when im suicidal and wish i just didnt have a mind to think with at all kind of shit.

i dont want to be psychotic because i dont want to keep having these episodes and seeing this shit and thinking this shit. a lot of it is absolutely terrifying. other things are less active but like...i wish i could trust anyone ever. i wish i could trust my own judgement. i wish i didn’t get obsessive and weird about contamination and not be able to eat food or need to contain myself from freaking out if certain people touch me. that shit isnt cowering from God under a desk but its annoying and i don’t want to be doing it. i wish i could stop doing it.

i don’t want to be psychotic because once youve had it confirmed that you believe things that arent real that makes it just that much harder to trust literally anything you think.i have to check everything with people because what if im wrong or assuming or jsut being crazy or i thought something up that isnt true.and we all seem to have an amazing knack for like doign that whenever we were actually with reality, and forgetting to do it when we do actually have something a little confused lol. maybe thats subconscious.

i dont wanna be psychotic because i want some things to be true!! you know!! and learnign they arent is, again, confusing and really scary. no matter what it is. but if its something that you like or that brings you some kinda positive shit then thats even worse to have taken away and have be a lie. and even worse a Crazy Lie.

i don’t know how much of my religious views to trust and thinking that anything i believe in or think is up for questioning brings up a whole lot of good things that i dont want to be up for questioning.part of the reason im scared to go on meds is because im really worried some good things will turn out fake and go away.

im worried about what all could just like...dissappear. what if the whole world changed. what if im wrong about more than i thought or something that id never even considered.

like.....im out of steam now but.

yeah. idk

[jalopeura]

fuck, i had like the longest, weirdest dream tonight in multiple parts, with real strong loz influences as will become apparent

and i cant remember any of them very well and not everything here is in the right order bc I just remember snippets but. man. this is A Really, Really Long One (for real. 1300 words. of a sequence of dreams. fuck). 

@folks on mobile... i’m so sorry

first one was a present-ish day thing where (and this one I remember the worst) - there was this big public fair or festival sort of thing going on, and there were these glowing, magical beasts? of some sort? and this magical artefact that was able to control them, I guess? and also make people glow, or something, or give ppl magical powers, or at least change their hair colour (which is p much the same to me). and in the past the magical artefact had also existed, it had been a golden Gamecube controller that had been buried away and I guess it had to be thrown into a lake or just dunked into a pond or s/t to activate it? I had been the one to find it back then, but now there was a new one, and at first no one knew where it was or what to do with it except me, but somehow I messed up and let someone else know and they stole the artefact (or maybe they managed to steal the old, previous GC controller artefact that I'd attempted to hide away). and the fair was over

and then I had to steal the artefact from the bad guy, which entailed a lot of jumping on roofst and chasing him and his well-armed retinue across the city. He held the artefact on his belt, or maybe it was kept in a box where a small doll of him held it on its belt and the artefact had been shrunk down? eventually I managed to get the golden object, and I gave it to the princess (???? who I guess hadbeen helping me in this mission ????), who was able to weild some kind of great power with it

next one was an alternative universe? maybe? or a darkest timeline/future? or jsut a future, idk, anyway, here the object had fallen to an unreacable place while I had been transporting it, and was now sort of being guarded by the Big Bad (who for some reason was now being played by Jim Carrey) - no one had real access to the object, but he lived right next to it, and because he had such great political power (bc people believed he had the object?? I guess?) he had had the princess move in right next to him, and no one could refuse him, and I was just one man who could do nothing

but then somehow I guess the princess and I (who had to sneak around in the place they were living in) managed to retrieve the golden object from where it had fallen? and then we had to run away, obviously, and I guess we made our way through the city and had to hide our identities and stuff. there was a bit where we were in a restaurant and had to give our bags for safekeeping (there were literally a bunch of safes on one wall of the restaurant floor). the golden object was in one of our bags and everyone was given a number of the safe their bag was in and we were extremely paranoid that the other people in hte restaurant were the bad guy's minions who would reognize usa nd try to steal the object back. luckily we saw two Good Guys (well, women) sitting in the restaurant and joined them and made some kind of a switcheroo plan with their bags etc, and managed to get away safely I guess?

eventually there was a big group of ppl alongside me protecting the princess and the golden magic artefact. we were hidden and invisible, floating on some sort of magical platform in the middle of a great big park where the princess's clan had lived (before all but one of them had been killed) and the people who now lived there had let us hide while the big bad was looking for us/parading around. as the usurper ruler went by on a big celebratory float (idk? or maybe not? i can't remember. anyway he had a big parade going on, with lots of guards etc) we decided to go visible, all of us pointing down at him, accusingly, with our princess holding the golden object, showing the whole city that we were alive and well and more powerful than the bad guy and that the magical object of power had been returned to its rightful owner. and then the princess used its power, I guess, to restore the city that had deteriorated while the bad guy had been in charge. she moved around fallen rocks and building materials with the Object's power, and all the people living in there were very thankful.

then the group that had helped me and the princess had a great big celebration of victory (with lots of glitter? which I was really happy about?), but for some reason the bad guy just came waltzing in and demanded to get the golden object back. for a while we deflected his tries to see who had the object talking rings around him etc while the group passed the object around among themselves, keeping it hidden. eventually he came really close to finding out who had it, when one of us had a very good idea: she switched The Object with someone else's golden bracelet and gave the bracelet to the Bad guy, us preted-surrendering. the bad guy went away happily, i think?

after this everyone was really tired, happy to be going home and getting a Real Break (it had been a Long couple of days/however long it had been). everyone else teleported home after a job well done, and I was left alone (by which I mean, there were No Other People in the city at this point - this wasn't alarming, it was supposed to be this way). being the hero i had to see that everyone else got away first, of course. but as I was walking towards my location of teleportation a shadow ninja poofed in and shot at me with a bow, and I dodged and attempted to shoot back. I hit, but then aonther one appeared, and another one, and another. I had to run away and look for a safe building to hide in.

I guess at some point i ran into the princess again, and then out from the ground lifted a great, big, flat, circular thing. so we were alone in the city and it was under attack from alien-ninja invaders. the princess used the object power to somehow make us (or at least me?) fly around in a circle around one spot, like hammer throw? anyway, so we keep doing this as the aliens keep slowly ascending, and we try to find a place on their ship or on some nearby building to hold on to - I think the ship was making it impossible for me/us to land, because otherwise we'd have been just, like, obliterated immediately, but staying airborne and in motion made it impossible. then we see a bunch of old military-looking men peer out of a row of windows nearby, looking at the alien ship, and we try to talk to them, convince them to open their windows and let us come in and hide from the aliens, but for some reason it's really difficult to communicate (maybe because we kept going by them at a high speed). when the men find out she's the princess they're cool with letting her in, but she's not going without me. in the end somehow we manage to get inside (the princess released her magic centrifugal force and swung us in through a window?). and for some reason the people in there are kind of piised off so we end up creating quite a bit of dsetruction while tryingto get them to help us, or get out of our way, or something. at this point i had started to wake up so....... that's it, I guess.