#joyeryde

[kharatkhake]

trying to decide if my feelings were truly hurt or if just my ego was bruised. like, did it offend me because of what it was, or did it offend me because I hadn't yet fully sanctioned it? is the source of my irritation a sense of neglect, or a lack of control that I claimed to not want? do I feel like I deserve better, or am I just bitter about not having everything?

is it worth losing sleep over, or should I just go back to sleep like nothing happened?

[nightlifedomination]

#Snowtanye #Excision #PrettyLights #GucciMane #GanjaWhiteLight #PostMalone #Bear #Grillz #JoyeRyde #LiquidStranger #Mija #Prof #Ookay #NightlifeDomination

[kharatkhake]

alright, I've been awake on here long enough. time to get my last 3 hours of sleep. when I wake up again I'm sure I'm going to decide for the millionth time that I can brush this off because the situation is not actually bad and so I should be able to handle it with grace and generosity and my feelings should not be hurt and I should be able to ensure that no one suspects a thing

[kharatkhake]

Then again... am I down, really?

*Fear, also known as A Thief And A Liar, makes its entrance*

What if I just confirm to myself all the lies I've been telling myself?

[kharatkhake]

crazy to me how casually i hear mentions of getting another dog. you didn't listen to me the first time when i said i thought it was too soon, but i permitted it... and then we had a bad experience. the bad experience was no one's fault except the shelter's for apparently lying to us, but you see, i compromised once already. i don't wanna have to do it again anytime soon. if the passage of time makes me feel more secure, more comfortable, more mellow, and less resentful, perhaps i will allow it again then. but not before. i promise myself that: not before.

and the thought of permitting it after realizing that this new living and relationship arrangement has forcibly altered my favorability towards the likelihood that i could be a suitable caretaker of children, birthed or adopted or fostered... you don't understand how everything feels like it is being stripped away from me. i am losing everything and gaining what in return?

even your sudden decrease of fear and refusal at the prospect of bearing or raising children when i previously thought it would be the mutual work of years... that's not a loss, strictly speaking... more of an insult. the same person changed us in different ways. do you understand how frustrating that is?

and you tell me there are ways in which you trust me that you still don't trust him and i don't even know what to say about that. i guess it's just confusing? and i wish that i especially, but you as well, had taken more time to ensure that he was trustworthy before we had allowed him into such hallowed territory. i had so much faith in you... i thought that anyone you liked must be safe. that's how i... that's why i permitted it so easily and then that led to a bad experience too.

and i guess that means i don't really trust either of you. i've talked so much about not trusting him anymore but i guess i don't fully trust you anymore either. especially when you tell me that you apparently can't even give me the benefit of the doubt anymore about timeliness or cleanliness because i've let you down too many times... times dating back years ago that i didn't remember but that you didn't forget. especially when you question whether my inability to resolve these things to your standards might mean we're incompatible to live together.

when you say things like that, i'm tempted to call it in at that very moment.

i don't know how this post got so long when i just wanted to say i don't want another dog! let the cat sleep on the dog bed. it will be a cat bed for the foreseeable future!

[kharatkhake]

"And Im sure it would do much worse to him..." Oh nooooo he would have to face the consequences of his actions. Waaaa he would reap what he sowed. Boo hoo hoo his stupid game ends with a stupid prize.

[kharatkhake]

i keep thinking how i missed the perfect out. "oh you'd feel uncomfortable being the third to a married couple?" (a term i didn't even know at the time!) "well... cope." i gave away something that hadn't been earned and all i got in return was audacity. truly outrageous. i missed the perfect out. "this was established before you were here. i'm not changing it for you. i want it to keep it." if i had known what a lackluster performance i was going to get out of him, i wouldn't have surrendered something so precious for his sake.

[kharatkhake]

"are you going to make fun of my music choice? you can make fun of me a little. it's kpop"

if he already said no, he wasn't intending to mock you, DON'T FUCKING ENCOURAGE HIM. HE, of all people, should NEVER be given LICENSE to make fun of anything, especially not by THE ONE PERSON HE'D HESITATE TO MOCK, since HE'LL DO IT OF HIS OWN FREE WILL ANYWAY. furthermore, it must be emphasized that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH KPOP OR WITH LIKING KPOP.

[kharatkhake]

this is the first time i have clearly perceived him as the "poorly trained dog" he was described to me as since the conversation in which that descriptor was used. i knew he didn't hold me in any particular regard, but damn. that was SO disrespectful that it bamboozled me!

[kharatkhake]

looking at the playlist I made to channel emotions about my relationship with my metamour (girlfriend's boyfriend) and noting the shifting trend from hopefulness, wistfulness or even longing concentrated largely at the top to a growing volume of anger, disillusionment, disappointment, or spite spread throughout the middle and end

[kharatkhake]

me when I write something which is intended to inform my romantic partner in non-direct but explicit terms that I think her boyfriend ain't shit

[kharatkhake]

made it out like it's life or death that i take my clothes out of the dryer so that it could be used after the wash cycle finished... going to be so fucking typical and ironic and infuriating if neither one of them comes out of that room to rotate that goddamn laundry

[kharatkhake]

The truth is, I am still living, or rather languishing, in his shadow. I would rather die than stay in his shadow. How do I escape? I know how to kill — that's easy; I've tried it and shied away — but how do I set myself free instead? I can't live in his shadow much longer, or I will die anyway, except it will be slow and painful.

[kharatkhake]

Every now and then I'm struck with the conviction that romantic entanglement was a mistake. I was some kind of romance-positive a-spec person who experienced as-yet-unnamed feelings and attraction, and decided to give romance a try because it was offered to me. And I just can't shake the recurring idea that I wasn't designed for it, and that's why I find myself in the situations I do lately. And maybe that's not true. Maybe people who invest in romance just feel like this about difficult things, and it's part of the deal. I'm still not sure. Maybe it's not a mistake. Maybe I'm fine, and I just need more time to adjust to polyamory. But if it were a mistake, it's one I can't take back, because I have a relationship with someone built on a quasi- romantic premise. It would be rather unfair.... And it isn't a relationship I want to lose. I just want it to not... feel like this. Perhaps I am just wary of continued injury? but if it injures me and rarely pleases me, what about it do I not want to lose? Is it the romance, after all? It could be. Or perhaps just the familiarity, the intimacy... without the possession.

[kharatkhake]

not to be a heteronormative, queerphobic piece of shit but no matter what anyone says (myself included) it feels like I am competing with (and losing to) a penis that, well, how exactly am I meant to compete against it at all?

[kharatkhake]

Me 🍑

vs.

the guy she tells me not to worry about 🍆