#joyeryde

[kharatkhake]

trying to decide if my feelings were truly hurt or if just my ego was bruised. like, did it offend me because of what it was, or did it offend me because I hadn't yet fully sanctioned it? is the source of my irritation a sense of neglect, or a lack of control that I claimed to not want? do I feel like I deserve better, or am I just bitter about not having everything?

is it worth losing sleep over, or should I just go back to sleep like nothing happened?

[nightlifedomination]

#Snowtanye #Excision #PrettyLights #GucciMane #GanjaWhiteLight #PostMalone #Bear #Grillz #JoyeRyde #LiquidStranger #Mija #Prof #Ookay #NightlifeDomination

[kharatkhake]

alright, I've been awake on here long enough. time to get my last 3 hours of sleep. when I wake up again I'm sure I'm going to decide for the millionth time that I can brush this off because the situation is not actually bad and so I should be able to handle it with grace and generosity and my feelings should not be hurt and I should be able to ensure that no one suspects a thing

[kharatkhake]

Then again... am I down, really?

*Fear, also known as A Thief And A Liar, makes its entrance*

What if I just confirm to myself all the lies I've been telling myself?

[kharatkhake]

looking at the playlist I made to channel emotions about my relationship with my metamour (girlfriend's boyfriend) and noting the shifting trend from hopefulness, wistfulness or even longing concentrated largely at the top to a growing volume of anger, disillusionment, disappointment, or spite spread throughout the middle and end

[kharatkhake]

me when I write something which is intended to inform my romantic partner in non-direct but explicit terms that I think her boyfriend ain't shit

[kharatkhake]

made it out like it's life or death that i take my clothes out of the dryer so that it could be used after the wash cycle finished... going to be so fucking typical and ironic and infuriating if neither one of them comes out of that room to rotate that goddamn laundry

[kharatkhake]

The truth is, I am still living, or rather languishing, in his shadow. I would rather die than stay in his shadow. How do I escape? I know how to kill — that's easy; I've tried it and shied away — but how do I set myself free instead? I can't live in his shadow much longer, or I will die anyway, except it will be slow and painful.

[kharatkhake]

Every now and then I'm struck with the conviction that romantic entanglement was a mistake. I was some kind of romance-positive a-spec person who experienced as-yet-unnamed feelings and attraction, and decided to give romance a try because it was offered to me. And I just can't shake the recurring idea that I wasn't designed for it, and that's why I find myself in the situations I do lately. And maybe that's not true. Maybe people who invest in romance just feel like this about difficult things, and it's part of the deal. I'm still not sure. Maybe it's not a mistake. Maybe I'm fine, and I just need more time to adjust to polyamory. But if it were a mistake, it's one I can't take back, because I have a relationship with someone built on a quasi- romantic premise. It would be rather unfair.... And it isn't a relationship I want to lose. I just want it to not... feel like this. Perhaps I am just wary of continued injury? but if it injures me and rarely pleases me, what about it do I not want to lose? Is it the romance, after all? It could be. Or perhaps just the familiarity, the intimacy... without the possession.

[kharatkhake]

not to be a heteronormative, queerphobic piece of shit but no matter what anyone says (myself included) it feels like I am competing with (and losing to) a penis that, well, how exactly am I meant to compete against it at all?

[kharatkhake]

Me 🍑

vs.

the guy she tells me not to worry about 🍆

[kharatkhake]

Rational brain says she would naturally reach out to give comfort to and receive comfort from the one who is sharing in her grief

Irrational brain says that must mean I don't really need to be here. I am more of a familiar, soothing accessory. The idea that my presence is "grounding" as she has said to me on previous occasion during JoyeRyde moments™️ is actually a diminishment of my significance and worth (I am a sideshow rather than an independent feature)

[kharatkhake]

Rational brain says that her use of the phrase "best little spoon ever" was a just a hyperbolic habit and she didn't think that hard before saying it to him

Irrational brain says every time she's ever made me the little spoon was a lie and she hated it even though she usually made herself the big spoon and hey hasn't she been the little spoon the last several times we've spooned and hey why can she get away with saying things without thinking when I'm right there as though my feelings don't matter

[kharatkhake]

Moods moods moods. Fix it fix it fix it!

[kharatkhake]

I'm more in need of reassurance than I ever have been... I think I need to get same kind of texting attention when she's with him that he gets when I'm with her.

I'm sure I've told her. Possibly more than once. But I've done it enough times where I want something and become frustrated over it. This time I'll be proactive. I'll do exactly what it is that I want to have — after all, she's said to me too that she wishes I would text first more often. So it has occurred to me that I may be the victim of bias and distortion. And with that in mind, when I miss her, instead of languishing, I'll just text her. Isn't that so easy? Not everything will be just as easy as this... but surely some of them are!

[kharatkhake]

rational brain says it's totally normal for people's preferences to change at any period in life, and I've told her as much more than once

irrational brain says her preferences changed when they did and the way they did because she likes him better as a sexual partner and maybe I wasn't that high value to her anyway but I was the only one she'd had so she didn't have a scale to put me on but now that she's had someone else, she can conclude that what I offered wasn't all that and maybe we never should have had a sexual relationship at all and maybe I should have listened to my mother and looked for a man instead because maybe then neither of us would would be experiencing this frustration and confusion and maybe it's all my fault because she says she doesn't care anymore about that Other thing we were having issues with but the fact that it caused issues at all lives in my brain and I can't shake it off and it all points to the fact that somehow I'm inadequate and I don't know what to do to change my own mindset about this when I already know I loathe myself so so so much