#jokes on him though he is NEVER gonna get rid of Elle

[spacedace]

Sat down to write more Ghosts of Gotham adn Business of Family.

Have instead written an opening bit of an AU where Tim accidentally summoned a slightly eldritch Mirrorborn (clone) Queen/Ancient of the Ever Onward (Speedforce) Elle with his whole "try to clone my two dead best friends hundreds of times" thing.

...it's slowly morphing into Tim accidentally/on purpose becoming a warlock with Elle as his equal parts delighted and confused Patron to get his loved ones back. He might unintentionally start a cult (it might be intentional I don't know how unhinged this is gonna get)

Send help, I've started world building again 😭

(Also as always take this mess as a writing prompt if any of my nonsense sounds neat to you ❤️)

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter four: "Hurt"

Words count: 13,7K

The gif is mine ✨

Warnings: Hardcore Spencer trauma. Mention of drug abuse,  torture, Criminal Minds usual case triggers. Spoilers of Season 2 E14/15 Criminal Minds.

Summary: An unsub abducts Spencer, and reader blames JJ for it.

A/N: Have you ever wished you were there to save Spencer from Tobias Hankel? I know I have. I know reader wants to... I'm dying to know what you'll think of this chapter! Sorry if it's a little too graphic, writing Spencer's POV of this episode was really hard.

Series Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

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(Y/N)'s point of view

I remember the day Emily Prentiss arrived. We had a case in Saint Louis. Two serial killers, 'cos it couldn't just be one asshole making everyone miserable. And on top of all, Hotch was confused and upset 'cos he never signed Emily's transfer to the BAU. It was like someone was trying to force her into the team, and we all thought it was weird.

We left the bullpen off to the case and left Prentiss in the office, not knowing if she actually got the job or not. I know Elle and I weren't incredibly close, but it still felt weird to think someone might join the team and try to replace her. It didn't work that way in that job. It didn't feel right at the moment.

There is something I also distinctly remember about that day: Gideon talked to me. And not only that, but he actually trusted my knowledge. We hadn't been on the best terms for a few months, so that approach meant a lot to me.

We were at the police station. Reid and I had been analyzing the letters one of the killers had sent to a journalist to find something that might help us catch him before there were any more victims. That's when JJ and Jason walked in, and he asked about our progress.

- "He only sent this to an individual, which shows he is not confident enough to initiate contact with the masses."- Spencer explained as he projected an image of the letter on the wall.

- "Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants, and you can see the shooter maintains vertical, narrow letter writing, and both are signs of repression"- I said and pointed at the image on the wall- "And the pressure, if you look closely, it's excessively heavy, which shows that he's uptight and can easily overreact."

Gideon looked at me and nodded. It was my cue to keep on talking. For once in a long time, I was feeling approved by him.

- "You got all that from his handwriting?"- JJ asked me, surprised. Reid looked at me from the other side of the room, and I could feel his smile reflecting how proud he was of me.

- "Graphology is an effective and reliable indicator of personality and behavior."

- "But my writing is always different,"- she added, and I nodded. I was waiting for that comment.

- "Yes, because it represents your emotions at the moment, just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling while you are speaking."

- "What else can we know about our unsub from this?"- Gideon asked me.

- "Well, our killer uses simple statements, all first person, like "I won't be ignored," which means he's obviously tired of feeling this way. He may have a job in solitude or one that he feels strips of his identity. His work might require him to wear a uniform, something that shows absolutely no individuality, or he may be overqualified for his menial job and feels that he doesn't get the respect that he necessarily deserves."

I made a pause and waited for his words. I was giving my best, and I swear I was still hoping I could ever get Jason Gideon's blessing.

- "I think we are ready to give a profile,"- he said and nodded.

And damn, that felt good.

When we were back in Quantico, Hotch had a long and clearly awkward conversation with the section chief, Erin Strauss. She was scary. She was clearly trying to get rid of Hotch, questioning his work daily, decisions, and how he managed the team. Why? I have no idea.

It felt she forced him to accept Prentiss into the team. We were one man down after Elle left. Ok, one awesome woman down, so we definitely needed some help. And Emily was a great addition from day one.

We clicked right away. Prentiss was funny, smart, but most of all, she constantly had to prove she deserved to be there. Just like me. Gideon gave her the cold shoulder from day one, and that I could relate. The only difference was that she won him over in a few days, though. I was still trying to win that battle.

Garcia decided we needed a girl's night, and she hosted the first of many "BAU Girl Power get together." Basically, it was us at Penelope's place drinking and talking.

That first night, we updated Prentiss with everything that had happened with Elle. She wanted to know everything about us, what we did, how long we've been on the team, and how we all got along. It was sweet and fresh. After that year in the BAU, I had already learned to enjoy the sweet things in life. Like getting drunk with my work girlfriends.

- "So, does Hotch ever smile?"- Emily asked, and we all laughed at the very same time. Yes, it was getting late, and we weren't as sober as we should have been.

- "He does! he does!"- JJ assured us- "You should see him with his baby."

- "He is a dad?"- Emily was shocked. I was surprised too when I found out Aaron was married and with a baby. The amount of time he spends at work always made me feel he had zero personal life.

- "And has a beautiful wife"- JJ added- "He is always laughing when he is with her and baby Jack."

- "I guess this job can drain the happiness from your day... "- I thought out loud, but before anyone could say anything about my dark and bitter comment, my cell phone rang.

- "Hey honey bunny, everything ok?"- I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I didn't want to interrupt the girl's conversations.

- "Yes, I just wanted to make sure you were drinking enough water between drinks"- I laughed and shook my head. Only Reid could call to say such a thing. He was the sweetest friend on earth.

- "Yes, I am, don't worry. I'm not going to be hungover or drunk tomorrow. I know you are excited about the new exposition."

- "You are gonna love it!"

- "I am sure I will"- and I wasn't kidding. I loved when he dragged me to the Smithsonian or any museum for some nerdy fun.

- "Have fun with the girls."

- "What are you doing, by the way?"

- "Just reading a little, you left your complete Sherlock Holmes collection here, so I'll be solving mysteries while you get drunk."

- "Don't have too much fun without me"- he chuckled and ended the call. I smiled and walked back to the girls looking at me with a funny grin on their faces.

- "Was that your boyfriend?"- Penelope asked me, and I frowned right away.

- "No, it was Reid. He just wanted to confirm we are going to the museum tomorrow."

- "Wait"- Prentiss narrowed her brows and looked at us confused- "Reid ain't your boyfriend?"

JJ and Garcia's laughter was epical, as well as my frown. They nearly gasped for air while Prentiss and I waited until they calmed down.

- "No"- I finally answered- "Reid is not my boyfriend."

- "He is more than that; he is her work husband,"- Penelope clarified, and I turned to her with my mouth wide open, shocked.

- "What the fuck? Reid ain't my work husband. He is my best friend!!"

- "Yes, and you happen to call your best friend "honey bunny," right?"- JJ questioned, just like she had a few months before when we were alone in our room away on a case.

- "Reid is my best friend, and yes, I call all my close friends by weird pet names. You will get one too if you are lucky."

- "But I thought"- Emily continued- "I mean, he looks at you like you are his sun."

- "No, Prentiss, the only coupe in this team is the one between "chocolate thunder" and "baby girl" right here"- I pointed at Garcia, and she just blushed and covered her face.

- "My love for Derek will burn forever with the intensity of a thousand suns. I mean, have you seen that man? he was made by the gods and sent to earth just to give my existence some sense"- we all laughed at those cheesy words, though Pen was serious about them.

- "But, have you ever...?- JJ looked at her and made a pause. We were all looking at every single facial movement or behavior she might show to read her body language."

- "My relationship with my loverman could never be tainted by something as mundane as sex."

- "Like you wouldn't lick honey from that six-pack and ride that thunder."

The words just left my lips, and I blame the buzz. BAU (Y/N) would have never said that. Drunk (Y/N) would, totally.

The girls laughed until tears fell from their eyes, and I just chuckled, honestly happy to make them laugh. I had been more of the real me than I had ever actually been around them in nearly a year.

- "Hello?"- my phone rang again when I was walking out of the bathroom. And this time, it was Paul.

- "Hey babe, what are you doing?"

- "Hey, I'm..."- I looked at the girls in front of me and sighed- "I'm stuck with paperwork"- and they turned to me immediately. I could read the "What the fuck" on their faces.

- "Well, I'm at Rob's in case you feel like dropping by. We are writing a few songs."

- "I'll text you if I finish with this early, but... have fun."

- "Ok, bye"- I hung up and sighed.

- "And that was..."- Prentiss asked, frowning.

- "My boyfriend,"- I explained and grabbed another beer

- "Sure, I could feel the passion,"- Garcia joked, but I just didn't think it was funny.

I knew my relationship with Paul wasn't alright. Actually, things with Paul weren't. Period. We were done, it was apparent, but still, neither of us had said it. That relationship was just a few phone calls every once in a while, only to make small talks. When we were together, we would just watch a movie, eat something, drink a few beers, and that was it. It had been a long time since we had sex or even made out. I don't know why I didn't end it sooner. I guess I was just afraid to do it.

But I let more months pass before I actually did something.

Spencer's point of view

I'm not proud of what happened that year after Prentiss joined the team. I think that year changed me profoundly, and a part of me never fully recovered afterward.

Maybe it had to be that way, and it was something I had to go through to grow up. I guess I'm still trying to make some sense of all the misery I put my friends through. Mostly (Y/N). She was in hell with me.

A few weeks after New Year, we started working on a case. Someone was killing wealthy people in their own homes. At first, we thought there were two unsubs, 'cos one of them called 911 after killing, and you could hear them struggling and arguing. But no, it was just one.

Tobias Hankel was a delusional serial killer. He had split personalities, not two but actually three. His father, the one who tortured me. The archangel Raphael, who was trying to make God's will, killing people. And himself, who wanted to save me, but instead, he nearly destroyed me.

What do I remember about the day he kidnapped me? I remember I was stupid enough to try to catch an unsub alone, just to prove I could take care of myself on the field. Hotch sent me and JJ to talk to Hankel at his house, 'cos apparently, he might have seen the unsub months earlier. But no, he was the unsub, and neither JJ nor me could stop him.

We hid in a barn, and I was so eager to prove I could catch him; I told JJ we had to split up to cover the place. I was counting on Hotch to get there with the team sooner than they did, and before I realized it, I was in the middle of a cornfield, and Hankel was pointing at me with my own gun.

I was sure I was going to die right there. All of Hankel's personalities were struggling inside of him. I couldn't stop thinking about why I thought I could do it on my own? Why had I been a reckless asshole? Was it because I wanted to prove I was an excellent SAA? Because I wanted to impress JJ? Maybe I tried to convince myself I could do the same job my team did. I knew I wasn't the most physical person, but I had a gun. I had been trained to capture killers.

Yes, I was an asshole that day, and I've regretted everything that happened that night many, many times in the following years.

When I woke up, I was tied to a chair, and the archangel Raphael had taken Hankel's mind completely. The room was dark, and it smelled awful. He was burning fish hearts and livers, 'cos he believed it kept the devil away.

I was confused and lost. My head was spinning, and my heart was about to burst into my chest. I knew I could die any second now. Raphael wasn't the one to show mercy. That's what I had learned from all the videos Hankel had uploaded to the web. He had shared with the world every murder they had committed to show the other sinners what was going to happen to them.

- "They believe you can see inside men's minds"- Raphael looked at me with dark eyes, implying he meant Tobias and his father

- "It's not true. I study human behavior."- my voice was shaking. I knew I had never been more scared in my entire life. He took out a gun and showed me one bullet.

- "Do you know what this is? It's God's will."

Things didn't look good for me. He put it in the cylinder of the revolver and spun it. He was going to let my life to luck.

- "You don't have to do this"- I tried to talk him out of it, though I knew it wasn't going to work.

- "No go, sinners, to your God."

And he pressed the trigger.

What went through my mind the seconds that passed between having the gun pointed to my face and realizing I had lived? My mom. All I could think of was how my mom would react to the news of my death. I could never bear to hurt her like that. I couldn't die. I couldn't leave her alone.

I sighed, relieved, and bit my lips not to cry. Raphael looked at me with a blank expression and walked out of the room. I had survived for now.

I struggled with my handcuff, but it was useless. My head was killing me. I could feel the open wound on my head, still dripping blood on my temple and head. I tried to focus on the pain for a few minutes, just to make sure I was awake. It was a nightmare, and keeping myself sane and conscious under those circumstances was nearly impossible.

How was I going to get out of there alive? Did the team know where I was? I had no idea where I had been taken. I had been unconscious the whole way. It was dark, and I couldn't see much around me. I wasn't afraid of that darkness. I was more fearful of the man that left me alone, 'cos he was armed and mentally unstable. Darkness had nothing on him.

I had to focus on the things that kept me sane. The things that made me want to get out of that room alive.

- "My name is Spencer Walter Reid. I'm twenty-five years old, my mother's name is Diana Reid, I was born in Las Vegas, October 28th, 1981."

I closed my eyes and tried to think of all the things that made me happy.

- "I work at the BAU, my best friend's name is (Y/N), and she sits at the desk in front of me. Derek Morgan is the closest I've got to an older brother."

He was. He still is. You have to be close to dead to start seeing things clearly sometimes. Derek was my brother. He treated me like a kid, but a kid brother. He was always teasing me, trying to teach me how to pick up girls, trying to drag me to the gym with him. Derek was a good friend, we were very different, and I knew if we had been classmates in high school, we would probably never have talked. He was a jock, and I was a nerd. But life had brought us together. And now I couldn't think of a better friend than him.

I tried to focus on my happiest memories. My birthday came to mind. The guys had planned a Halloween-themed birthday party at the conference room of the BAU. Of course, Garcia baked a cake and (Y/N) helped her decorate it. It was incredible, 'cos it was covered with tiny gourds and skulls.

- "Frank and Mikey sent you these,"- she announced after everybody had given me their presents. I wide opened my eyes in shock 'cos I had no idea her friends knew it was my birthday or even cared about it.

- "Why?"- I had to ask.

- "'Cos they think you are amazing. They actually wanted to come over to your house and have a few beers tonight."- I opened my mouth to say something, but Derek interrupted me.

- "Pretty boy is gonna get to work hungover again."

- "Shut up"- (Y/N) and I said at the same time, making everybody chuckle. I opened the present her friends had sent me and laughed right away.

- "Lucky Doc"- I read and took out of the bag a Sports Illustrated issue with Lila Archer on the cover. My cheeks turned red immediately.

- "Frank still hasn't overcome that story. I think he will hate you forever"- (Y/N) laughed (along with the rest of the team) and gave me another present.

- "They also sent you this. They said you were going to like the man in black"- it was a Johnny Cash's vinyl- "Frank picked it. He thinks he is some sort of musical psychic that can read people's taste in music."

- "We should get together and have a few beers one of these days. I need to thank them for these."

Gideon looked at me in silence as soon as I said those words. But I didn't care if he disapproved. I was going to be (Y/N)'s friend, whether he liked it or not.

He is the closest I've had to a dad in the latest years. He cares about me, and he tries to make the best of me that he can. Yes, he can be too apprehensive. I think that's a way to put it. But only because he wants me to be the best profiler I can be.

I never thought I would end up working at the BAU. I never thought I would love the job I do as much as I do. Back when I was in college, I thought I would dedicate my life to finding a cure for schizophrenia, but I ended up hunting serial killers across the country.

And though I was about to die, I didn't regret any of the decisions that led me there.

The morning found me shaking, cold, and scared. I was in a small cabin in the woods. Just like the worst and more cliché horror movie ever made. This was my own horror movie.

- "What are you staring at, boy?"- Tobias opened the front door carrying logs for the fire. His voice had changed yet again, so I knew it wasn't the same person I had talked to the night before.

- "You are not Raphael."- I whispered, looking at every movement he did.

- "Do I look like Raphael?"- had I insulted him? I couldn't tell. He turned to the fire, and I took a deep breath, doing my best to stay calm.

- "Thank you for burning those, for keeping us safe."- I said, looking at the fish hearts and livers he was preparing to put on the fire.

- "Don't try to trick me."

- "I would never try to trick you."

- "You are a liar."

- I'm not a liar."- it was hard to stay calm and not start screaming for help or mercy, but I knew that was going to take me nowhere with him.

- "Lying is a sin."

- "I'm not a liar."- he walked closer to me, and sat right in front of me, held my leg up, and grabbed my foot.

- "This will be over quickly if you just confess your sins."

- "I am not a sinner"- I whispered again. He took off my shoe.

- "We are all sinners."- it didn't look good for me, not at all, and I knew I had to talk to him with his words with his beliefs to save my life.

- "The Lord spake unto Moses saying "Speak unto all the congregation of the children of the lord" and say unto them, ye shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy."

Hankel, this time in the personality of his father, looked at me surprised. I might have done something right, 'cos he stopped moving, and for a second, I thought it was going to be ok.

- "You know Leviticus."

- "I know every word of the bible. I can recite it for you."- but his eyes turned dark again.

- "The devil knows how to read too."

- "I'm not a devil, I'm not a devil2- I repeated, and couldn't stop shaking, 'cos my life on the hands of a sociopath.

- "I'm a man, my name is Spencer Reid, and I have a mother, and I have a father just like you, and they taught me the bible, let me recite the bible."

My voice cracked at the knowledge of what he was going to do. He stood up, still holding my foot. He was going to torture me, he was going to try to break me, and I had to be strong. I didn't know how I would find the strength, but I had to be strong.

- "Time to confess, Spencer Reid"- and without further notice, he slapped a log against my foot, making me scream in pain. It hurt from the tip of my toes until the back of my skull. I hadn't felt that kind of pain, and it was worse knowing he was just getting started. Tears started falling down my cheeks in no time.

- "Confess!"

- "I don't have anything to confess."- I whimpered and closed my eyes, 'cos I knew he was going to continue his torture. And so he did. The pain was excruciating. I was sure I was going to pass out

I tried to go to a happy place in my head, somewhere when I could hide from all that pain. It was too hard, though. It hurt too much. I kept repeating over and over again I wasn't a sinner, begging Hankel for mercy, as he shouted I had to confess.

I made an effort to think about what he might want me to say. What did he want me to confess? Which sins was he talking about? But nothing came to my mind, nothing but the pain and the fear of dying.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The second we reached Hankel's cabin, I started looking for Spencer. I had a horrible feeling about it. Morgan and I headed it to a barn with Prentiss. There was no sign of anyone. It was dark and quiet. Never a good sign.

- "Shit!"- I whispered, staring at three dead dogs and a bath of blood in front of me. There laid the body of another victim that was missing from Hankel's last attack.

- "FBI!!"- JJ shouted suddenly. She was pointing his gun to us, clearly in shock- "Don't move!!"

- "JJ, it's Morgan, (Y/L/N), and Prentiss! Don't shoot"- Derek tried to calm her down, walking towards her- "Are you hurt?"- she lowered the gun and stared at us. You could read the fear and the trauma in her eyes.

- "Tobias Hankel is the unsub,"- she whispered as Prentiss rubbed her arm sweetly, trying to comfort her.

- "Yeah, we know"- I moved towards her too and put my gun back into the holster.

- "And we thought he was just a witness"- we looked around, and JJ pointed at the dead dogs.

- "JJ, where is Reid?"- Derek asked her, but she just continued talking.

- "They completely tore her apart"

- "JJ, look at me,"- I said and held her arm carefully- "Look at me, where's Reid?"- she was shaking, and her voice was cracking. I knew she was making her best effort to pull herself together.

- "We split up. He said he was going to go in the back."

And there it was. That was the reason why I had a bad feeling all along. Derek looked at me and nodded as we read each other's minds. The two of us turned around and ran outside, leaving JJ with Prentiss, waiting for the medical team and ambulance to check on her wounds.

Gideon and Hotch were inside the cabin, looking for Hankel, but there was no one there. And there was no sign of Reid behind the barn either, in the cornfield, or anywhere in the perimeter. Reid was nowhere to be found, and I started losing it little by little. I tried to repeat myself the words Hotch had said many times during my year in the BAU: "when you are out there with the team; your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case." But the case had never included my best friend missing before.

- "Hey, is there any sign of him yet?- I asked the police chief as I reached the ambulance. He was there talking with JJ, making sure she was ok.

- "We got every one of our units on the road. He won't make it far"- I nodded and watched him walk away. I knew he thought I was talking about Hankel, but I actually meant Reid.

I turned to JJ and moved a little closer to her. Her eyes open wide, staring back at me.

- "You can't find Reid?"- I just shook my head and tried to sound as casual as I could, not to freak her out. She was still in shock. I didn't want to make it worse.

- "Not yet"

- "(Y/N)"- Derek held my arm and forced me to walk away from the ambulance.- "Reid followed him into the cornfield. It looks like somebody got dragged."

My heart stopped. Did the psychopath hurt Spencer? Did he kill him? Did he torture him? Was he hurt? Was he alive? Where was he? Derek looked at me, and I nodded. I bit my lips and took a deep breath. Hotch's words were my mantra now: "your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case."

- "Are you sure?"- we turned to the police's chief, overhearing his conversation- "We are on our way now."

- "What's going on?"

- "The sheriff down two towns over, he just gave directions to a man who fit Hankel's descriptions. It's to a motor lodge in fort bend."

- "Let's get Hotch and Gideon"- Derek held my arm and walked with me to the cabin. We had to find Reid, and we had to do it fast.

That was the worst night of my life. The first worst night of my life, to be sincere. I didn't close an eye. I went through every paper, every note, every detail in that cabin, trying to find a clue that could lead us to where Tobias had taken Reid.

I felt someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I had to think straight, and to do it, I had to keep a cold head. But as the hours passed, it became a more demanding and more challenging task to complete. I knew the whole team was suffering, but that didn't ease my pain. And I knew JJ felt guilty, but that didn't stop me from blaming her in my mind. She left him alone. I would have never left Spencer alone on the field.

- "(Y/N), you should try to get some rest."

Derek whispered as he sat on the floor next to me, where I had been sitting for the last half hour, reading Tobias's old diaries. Nothing but fear of his father, mentions of Dilaudid use, and bible transcriptions.

- "I'm ok,"- I answered and didn't even take my eyes from the pages.

- "(Y/N), I mean it"

- "I'm not going to rest if he is out there in the hands of a psychopath, Derek"- I had to bite my lips and shut the fuck up, 'cos if I said one more word, I knew I was going to burst into tears.

Morgan just wrapped an arm around my shoulders and moved me closer to him. That was the first time I let him hug me, and it felt good to know I wasn't alone in my desperation. I knew he loved Reid like a brother, and neither of us was going to stop until we found him.

- "Welcome to our nightmare"- JJ's voice broke the silence we had been into for the last hour when Hotch walked into the cabin with Penelope.

It was morning already. There were still no signs of Reid. Prentiss, Gideon, JJ, and I had been sitting at the table, reading everything we could.

- "His computer is an extension of his brain. I need you to dissect it,"- Gideon whispered to García. You could feel the concern in his voice. She just nodded in shock and turned to Derek, who held her hand and helped her get set up in the computer room.

- "So, nothing new since I left?"- Hotch asked and looked at us. I just shook my head and continued reading.

- "Well, the good thing is the guy documented practically every second of his life"- Prentiss words took me from the pages I was reading. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. The concept of "good" was poorly used in that phrase.

- "The bad news is, we are still un-piling,"- she added and sighed.

- "From the looks of it, he hasn't left this place in years,"- JJ managed to say. She made her best effort to be useful, but she was in worse shape than everybody else. Yet, that didn't make me feel bad for her. I was mad at her and kept making my best to put it aside, 'cos my head had to be in the case.

- "He knew he could pretend to be looking for a motel and throw us off his trail,"- Emily inferred, but I shook my head as soon as I heard her.

- "No, no, no, it's more than that!"- I shook my head and took a deep breath- "Sheriff's office, 911 calls, every time he engages the police and gets away with it... he reassures himself, God's on his side. Not ours."- I added.

Gideon nodded, and we shared a moment of agreement. He was as worried as I was. I could feel it. I'm not saying the rest of the team wasn't, I'm saying Jason was as fucked up as I was, and I could sense he was having the same trouble I had making sure my head and not my sentiments were into the case.

But if anything happened to Reid, I didn't know what I was capable of doing.

At a certain point, I got sick of reading and not doing anything and decided to look around the house again if we had missed anything. Derek went along. One part of me felt he wanted to stay away from JJ too. Maybe he was as mad as I was about her leaving Reid alone. I know I couldn't blame her, but I did it anyway.

- "Guys!! I think I've got something!"- Derek yelled, and I ran over. He opened a door that led to a basement. I walked right behind him, pointing my gun and my flashlight all over. But there was no sign of Reid.

- "Tobias Hankel!!"- Morgan shouted. Someone was sitting in what looked to be a gigantic freezer- "Tobias!"- but we didn't get any response. I took a step closer and examined carefully.

- "Morgan, I think we just found Hankel's father."

Spencer's point of view

On my second night in that cabin, I met Tobias. The third personality of Hankel walked into the room, carrying what seemed to be a dead deer. He looked as frightened as I was.

- "You need to eat."

- "What's your name?"

- "Tobias."

- "Tobias, who was here before?"

- "Probably my father."

He looked at me up and down, and he immediately understood what he had done to me. It was scary how he could dissociate. Someone with multiple personality disorder is usually unaware of the other personality states and memories when an alter is dominant. In this case, Tobias knew the other personalities but considered them different persons. He didn't think they were all in his head.

- "I'm sorry if he hurt you."

He looked at me like he understood everything I had been going through. Maybe he had been through something similar when his father was alive. Perhaps he had been a victim of Hankel as well, and that's what triggered his psychopathic nature.

He walked over and took out his belt.

- "What are you doing?"- he wrapped it around my arm, and I started begging him to stop.

- "It helps"- he took out of his pocket a needle and a small bottle of what seemed to be some kind of drug.

- "Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they are here."

- "Please, I don't want it, I don't want it, please"- I cried and begged.

- "It helps. I know"- it was the last thing Tobias said before the needle found my vein.

And he was right. It helped. Every single amount of pain I was feeling disappeared. My brain shut down. Somehow, everything was ok. I never had in my entire life felt so good before.

My mind kept flashing memories of when I was a kid. I kept seeing images of the day my father left and how he called my mother crazy.

- "You are weak"- mom spit those words after he refused to take me with him. I know she said it not because she didn't want me with her, but because mom knew she was sick and wanted the best for me. And he refused.

- "I'm not weak."- I whispered as I looked at her smiling back at me.

- "I know, honey."

I don't know how long I was drugged, but when I woke up, Tobias wasn't there with me anymore. It was his father.

And the torture continued.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Gideon was trying to convince me to go out with Prentiss and JJ to see a Narcotics anonymous's contact that might give us more information about Tobias. Emily had found some flyers about it in his room, and it could be the only lead we had to find him and Reid.

- "You need to get out of this house for a while"- he whispered and tapped on my back.

I knew he wasn't the one to be loving or physical with people, less with me. But that moved me. I turned to him and my eyes watered up. I was scared, and I couldn't hide it anymore. The more hours passed, the fewer the chances were to find Spencer safe. Alive.

I felt his arms around me suddenly, holding me tight, trying to keep the pieces of me together. We were alone on the porch, and though I didn't want to fall apart, I couldn't hold it anymore.

Jason didn't say a word. He just hugged me and let me cry for a few minutes. I didn't say anything either. I actually couldn't because I was overwhelmed with everything.

- "Are you ready, (Y/N)?"

Prentiss whispered as she walked over with JJ. I turned my back at them for a second to hide the tears that kept falling down my cheeks. I knew it was a shitty thing to do, 'cos it was obvious I had been sobbing, but they gave me the courtesy of not saying anything.

- "You go, I need (Y/N)'s assistance with some diary entries"- the two of them walked away quietly, and thankfully, didn't argue with Gideon.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and felt his hand on my shoulder one more time.

- "You are doing a fantastic job,"- he said and turned around.

I wish I could tell you that made me feel better, but instead, I just thought I had the duty to bring my friend back home safe.

It had been at least an hour since the girls left. Morgan, Hotch, Gideon, and the police chief were in the living room with me, reading. I sipped my hundredth cup of coffee and re-read the same diary entry for the third time.

- "There's something weird going on here."- I thought out loud and walked towards Gideon

- "You think?"- the police chief turned to me and raised an eyebrow, ironically.

- "No, seriously, check this out. This journal is filled with religious ramblings. He notated hour by hour: "November 15th, 3:17, if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offering unto the Lord, ye shall offer it at your own will", and it goes on and on: 5:04, 7:41, 10:22, 1:42."

I made a short pause and looked at Gideon and Hotch. They didn't get where I was going.

- "But then, it goes blank for days."

- "Maybe he got sick of writing"- I seriously hated that police chief.

- "I think I got it"- Hotch whispered- "Journal entry: "December 6th. Father is sick. He wants me to put him down. I say thou shalt not kill. He said, honor thy father. Must pray for guidance."

- "So he kills his father as an act of mercy?"- Gideon asked, knowing the answer.

- "This is two months ago. Tobias Hankel's father had been dead for four months already."

- "That's exactly it"- I murmured, thinking Tobias Hankel was way more fucked up than we thought.

- "Look at the floor"- Derek pointed at a chair and moved it- "These scuffs marks are fresh. It's like two people were pushing the chairs constantly, trying to fight for control."

- "So?"- I swear to God, that chief was driving me insane.

- "This journal matches Charles Hankel's handwriting, but it was written after he died"- I explained. Still, it felt he wasn't following me.

- "What do you mean?"

- "Upstairs, Tobias' bedroom got junk piled from floor to ceiling, but the other bedroom could pass a military inspection."

- "So, are you telling me one of Tobias' personalities was his father?"

Apparently, I had to draw a picture so the chief would get it. Fortunately, Gideon continued explaining the whole problem before I lost what was left of my patience.

- "Well, Tobias was raised with a strict religious code, black and white, right and wrong. When his father asked Tobias to kill him, something had to give."

- "His brain couldn't handle the moral contradiction, so he split into two personalities to keep his father alive."

Hotch tried to put it most easy and simple words possible.

- "So, who is Raphael?"

- "My guess, he is a mediator between the two"- Gideon nodded at my words and sighed.

- "Angels have no human emotions, live or die. They don't care, as long it's God's will."

- "We need to start profiling Tobias' father. He may be the one who chose where to take Reid."

Finally, I felt we were going somewhere.

When Emily and JJ came back, they gave us the news. Tobias was addicted to Dilaudid, which explained the fracture in his mind, and how he lived with three distinct personalities.

The police chief announced a computer store robbery, giving us some hopes that Tobias would use them to track him down.

- "Guys!! Guys!! get in here!!- I heard Derek shouting and I ran to the computer room. I felt sick in the stomach in less than a second. There he was, Spencer. My Spencer Walter Reid, tied to a chair, bleeding, shoeless. Clearly tortured.

- "He's been beating,"- I whispered, feeling my eyes water up. I would have given anything to be there instead of him.

- "Can you track him?!"- JJ yelled by my side, and I nearly smacked her. That's how sensitive I was feeling.

- "Hankel's only streaming this to his home computer."- Garcia whispered. And my heart dropped with those words.

That wasn't what I was supposed to hear. We were supposed to find him and bring him back safe.

- "This is for us"- Gideon didn't take his eyes from the screen- "He knows we are here."

- "I'm gonna put this guy's head on a stick"- Morgan was so mad I believed him. I wanted to do the same, if worse.

- "I'm gonna kill him myself as soon as we find him,"- I said and felt Aaron's hand on my shoulder as he asked Garcia

- "Why can't you locate him?"

- "He's rerouting to a different IP address every 30 seconds. I can't track him."

It knew it had to be hard if Penelope couldn't find her, but that didn't help. If anything, it made everything worse. I felt powerless. Hankel couldn't be more intelligent than us.

Spencer's point of view

- "Are you ready, boy?"- Hankel pulled my hair and forced me to look at him. I was still as high as fuck, but knew I was about to be tortured again.

- "Ready for what?"

- "My weakling son thinks God gave you to him for a reason"- if the reason was to get me into drugs, then the answer was yes.

Hankel placed a video camera in front of me.

- "Can you really see inside men's minds?"- he asked me and made a pause, pointing to three screens- See these vermin?

It took me a second to realize he was showing me images of real people. He had put cameras in those people's houses. How? When? What kind of sick game did he want me to play with him?

- "Choose one to die. I let you choose one to live."

- "No"- I didn't even think about my answer.

- "I thought you wanted to be some kind of savior."

- "You are a sadist and a psychotic break. You won't stop killing. Your word is not true."

I don't know if it was because of the drugs or because I hadn't eaten or drank any water in too long, but I was somehow resigned and tired of fighting.

- "The other heathens are watching- Hankel announced and pointed at the camera in front of me."

My eyes fixated on the camera right away. My team was watching me. (Y/N) was watching me. I didn't want to make her worry even more. I needed her to know I was ok. I know I wasn't, but I didn't want her to worry about me.

- "Choose a sinner to die, and I'll say the name and address of the person to be saved"- Hankel was sick. It was all a game, and religion was just an excuse to kill.

- "I won't get to choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher."

Hankel didn't like my answer, 'cos he grabbed me and pulled me up, looking into my eyes, insulted, annoyed, losing his temper.

- "Can you really see into my mind, boy?"

He was honestly scary, and it petrified me to think he could execute me right there, in front of the team, and I could never tell them how much they mean.

- "Can you see I'm not a liar?!"- he insisted. I nearly whimpered but made my best not to break- "Choose one to die and save a life. Otherwise, they are all dead."

He dropped me on the chair and turned around. It was clear he wasn't joking. I took a deep breath and nodded.

- "Alright, I'll choose who lives."

- "They are all the same"

My eyes traveled across all the monitors. It was nearly impossible to pick one person to live, knowing all the other people there would die. Hankel was sick, and I had to set a plan to escape because otherwise, I would end up dead.

- "Far right screen,"- I whispered. He turned around and nodded.

Then, he recited the name and address of the woman on the screen. I prayed for the team to find her before Hankel came after her too.

No. It wasn't Hankel this time.

- "Raphael,"- I whispered, and he nodded. I looked at the screen again. The woman we were watching picked up the phone. She was in her kitchen. He walked around, frowned, and turned to her computer. In a second, she had turned it off. My team had reached her. She was safe, I hoped.

Hankel turned the camera off and looked at me.

- "You've done your part. Now it's my turn."

I knew what that meant. It wasn't good.

He left the cabin, and all I could see were the monitors in front of me. Those people were going to die. They were going to die because I didn't pick them. I killed them. You don't need to pull a trigger to kill someone. I could never forget those words. And this time, they meant more than anytime before. I didn't press a trigger, but I had killed two innocent people. And I actually had to watch them die.

When I saw Rapahel walk into the victims' house, I tried to close my eyes and think of anything else. A part of me kept thinking he wasn't going to kill them. He just wanted to threaten me.

But not. Raphael slaughtered them.

I found myself craving whatever it was that Tobias had given me the night before. The drug in my veins had given me a kind of peace I had never felt. And I never thought I'd have either. The type of peace that can be addictive, 'cos it turns your head off. And God knows, sometimes I needed to turn my head off.

Remembering everything that has ever happened to me, especially all the awful things, wasn't a gift. It was a burden. And whatever it was that Tobias had put in my veins, it had taken that burden from my shoulders, at least for a couple of hours.

Who wouldn't want some more of that peace?

- "Reid!"- Gideon's voice took me from my thoughts. He was sitting right in front of the camera in the victim's house. He was there with Hotch and the police, investigating the crime scene.

- "If you are watching this, you are not responsible for this. You understand me? he is perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He can not break you."

I know he meant it. But I couldn't believe any of that, not after watching a family get slaughter just because I didn't pick them.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "I thought you were going to try and get some rest,"- I said as JJ walked to me in silence. I made myself my hundredth cup of coffee, and she just showed up next to me, trying to engage in conversation, I guess.

- "Everybody else is working. I should be too."

- "We can handle it,"- I whispered and refused to look at her. I swear I was trying not to hate her, but it was getting harder and harder with every hour that passed without finding Reid.

- "It's funny, I keep thinking the one thing we need to crack this case is... well... Reid"- she chuckled, nervously and I just looked at her and nodded. I didn't even smile. I didn't move a muscle.

I didn't want to be with her, or anyone, as a matter of fact. And I wasn't going to hide it anymore. So I tried to walk away.

- "You think Reid and I should have stayed together at the barn, don't you?"

I stopped walking and looked at her. You could tell she was having a hard time facing the whole situation, and most of all, you could tell she felt guilty.

That really didn't stop me from being mad at her. I was trying to be the better woman during the investigation, but the uncertainty was getting on my nerves.

- "JJ, go get some rest,"- I tried to answer calmly, but I knew I was looking at her like she was dead to me.

- "I can tell that's what you are thinking, so..."

- "I just wanna get Spencer home safe."

- "But... if I had his back like I was supposed to do, he'd be here now"- and that was enough.

- "JJ, what the fuck do you want from me?"

- "I just...."- she was about to cry, you could tell- "I want someone to tell me the truth."

- "You want the truth? Ok, there you go: I would have never left him alone. None of this would have happened if I had been the one with him out there! 'cos I would never let anyone or anything hurt him!!"

I shouted. All the anger I had been feeling those days was finally getting off my chest. And fuck, it felt good.

- "You fucked it up, JJ, and if something happens to Spencer, I am never going to forgive you, never!"

JJ bit her lips, trying her best not to cry. But I still couldn't feel sorry for her.

- "Is that the truth you were looking for?"

- "(Y/L/N)?"- Hotch stood next to me with the most annoyed look in his eyes.

I knew I was out of line, but this wasn't about work anymore. This was personal. This was Reid we were talking about, and JJ had fucked it up. There was nothing to discuss.

- "What? You sent him with her, now she is here, and he isn't. What else is there to say?"

- "(Y/N)!"- Hotch followed me as I stormed out of the kitchen and out of the cabin- "(Y/N)! stop!"

- "What?!"- and I simply snapped- "Are you gonna suspend me for telling her the truth? Are you going to fire me for losing my shit while working a case!? Fine! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! All I care about right now is that my best friend is missing, and a fucking psychopath has him! That's all I can think of. That's all I've been thinking about for the last two days!"

I was yelling at Hotch. I was yelling at my unit chief. I was fucked. I knew he was going to fire me after that. But I couldn't help it. I was going insane. Tears kept falling from my eyes as I held my cup of coffee tight, holding onto it with my life.

- "(Y/N), we are all worried about Reid."

- "I know you are all worried. I am too, and I'm also afraid and mad and going fucking insane knowing I am standing here not knowing what to do to save him."

- "That doesn't give you the right to treat JJ like this is her fault"- I don't know if he was talking like my unit chief or like a father figure trying to end a fight between two of his kids.

- "Did she stay with Reid?"- I simply replied and looked at Hotch in the eyes- "Did she?"

- "She is not the only one who feels guilty, so do I. And I know I won't forgive myself if anything happens to Reid."

Hotch made a pause and tried to find a way to say what he wanted to say. The door opened, and Gideon walked to us. He knew what was going on, and he didn't say a thing. I was sure he had already heard everything. We weren't actually arguing quietly.

- "We are not getting any closer,"- Aaron finally said.

- "Reid is brilliant. He'll figure out how to survive"- Gideon's words were way more hopeful than my thoughts. In my mind, Reid was too scared to think of a way to escape.

- "You know, I always take advantage of Reid for his brain. But I never actually teach him how to deal with things emotionally."

Hotch whispered, and his words were filled with regret. I was filled with anger and anxiety, and I know the two of them felt the same. But they way better at handling their feelings.

- "Lead by example,"- Jason answered, probably trying to make him feel better.

- "What kind of example is that?"- I simply replied, and both of them stayed in silence.

I don't think my words helped Hotch, but I wasn't trying to do that either. I was just honest. And Hotch's emotional assistance was shit on the field. Even Gideon was better.

- "He'll make it,"- Jason reassured us and nodded- "Now stop arguing and go back to work."

Spencer's point of view

I was glad when Tobias came to me that night with a needle in his hand and put the drug into my vein. I needed some release after watching a family die 'cos I didn't save them.

- "I'm sorry I had to leave"- he excused himself, preparing the drug next to me.

- "You can leave again, and you can take me with you,"- I begged in a soft voice.

- "My father would be angry,"- he replied and didn't even look at me. This time, I didn't even argue when he wrapped the belt around my arm. I was even a little eager he'd do it faster.

- "Not if he can't find us."

- "He always finds me."

- "If you tell me where we are, my friends will come, and they'll save us."

He gave me a look, mixed with horror and resignation. It broke my heart to think for a moment of all the horrors that lead Tobias to be as sick as he was.

- "We can't be saved,"- he simply replied.

- "We can, we can, I promise. If you tell me where we are, I'll save us both."

- "Listen to me. It's not worth fighting."

Somehow, I understood why he said that. I was afraid and shaking but still did my best not to think of all the pain I was in, of the terror that haunted me day and night.

- "Tell me it doesn't make it better- he said and showed me the needle."

I couldn't say no, 'cos he was right. It did. The drugs made his horrible situation bearable. I could understand why someone decided to use something to avoid the pain. I had faced all and each one of the pain and horrors in my life sober. It was time life was a little bit sweeter, in a sick way.

I remembered being twelve. Mom had had one of her episodes the day before, she was in bed, and I woke her up. I walked into her room and opened the curtains. It was already five in the afternoon, and she still refused to get out of bed.

- "The doctor says you need to get out of bed,"- I argued when she repeated she was just resting.

- "I've been reading"

- "He says you need exercise"- she sighed and tried to make a joke.

- "That's because his idea of good literature is Our bodies, ourselves."

- "Well, he is your doctor."

- "He is a neanderthal"- I gave up and started walking out of the room. She just laid in bed and looked at me.

- "Where are you going?"

- "I'm going to see if Jeff wants to play"- Jeff was our next-door neighbor and my only friend growing up.

- "Come here. Let me read to you."

I know Garcia made fun of me when I said my mother used to read me Valentine's sonnets when I was a kid. Most people think I have a weird relationship with mom, but they don't understand what it was like growing up with her. They don't know what it was like for a twelve-year-old boy to finish high school, facing bullies. Handling the pressure of being a kid genius and the fact I had to take care of a schizophrenic mother.

How come I didn't start using drugs earlier?

I remember that afternoon I sat next to my mother, and she made me pick one of the many books she had with her on the bed. I choose Proust. I knew she loved it. I loved it as well.

"For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say, "I'm going to sleep."

I can still hear her voice, reading to me. Both of us avoided reality for a while, hiding in the books. I always do it regardless. I hide in the books to forget. I hide in knowledge to avoid acknowledging the real personal issues I have. I hide in my work saving people when no one ever saved me.

I work catching psychopaths when I know I might actually have a mental issue myself. I might end up just like mom, and it frightens me so much; there are many nights I can't even close an eye. If I get sick too, then no one will take care of her. I am the only one in her life. And she is the only one in mine.

She and (Y/N), but there is no way my best friend would ever take care of me if I got sick. Not because she wouldn't want to do it, but because I would never let her. I don't want to be a burden in her life. And she would hate me, I know. And I could never live in a world where (Y/N) hates me. Not then, not now.

(Y/N). She is the best thing that happened to me in the BAU. Yes, I had a family with my team, but she was different. She was my life. She was the reason why I smiled. She was the one person that made me feel I was important to someone. I knew the rest of my friend loved me, but I loved her.

That was it. I loved (Y/N). And I was scared I was never going to see her again.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I was standing next to Penelope. She kept trying to force me to eat. She knew I was living on coffee, but I just couldn't swallow anything. She held my hand as the two of us stared at the screens, hopefully waiting for Hankel to make contact again.

- "Any more signs of Reid?"- JJ walked over to us slowly and looked at me, afraid I might snap on her again. I just shook my head and sighed, doing my best to be nice to her.

- "He just posted the last murder online."

- "It had over 17 thousand hits in the first twenty minutes,"- Penelope added, and her voice was so full of revulsion. It was clear she couldn't handle the horror in the human mind.

- "I want to see it,"- JJ said, and I frowned, confused.

- "No, you don't,"- Garcia answered and looked at me- "Come on, munchkin, just eat one cookie, please."

- "Don't tell me what I want and don't want!"- JJ's tone shocked us both. She was severe and angry. She was rude at Penelope, and for a second, I almost snapped again.

- "If I can't watch this..."- JJ whispered and glued her eyes on the screen- "I have no business being in the field."

She looked at me when she was done talking, and for once during those awful days, I felt some kind of compassion for her. She had to be feeling like shit, no doubt, and no matter how mad I was at her, she was still my friend, and I didn't want her to suffer either.

- "JJ, it's not a competition,"- I tried to say in the softest voice possible.

- "I... I need to see it."

- "If you stop being affected by things, you lose parts of yourself, you know."

It was somehow ironic that I was the one saying those things. Me of all people in that team. Me, the one who was afraid the most of losing herself in work.

- "Show me"- she finally looked at Garcia, ignoring my words, and Penelope pleased her. She pushed play and simply said

- "I won't watch this with you."

García held my hand, walking me out of the room, leaving JJ alone in the room. She sighed and wiped the tears that started falling down her eyes.

- "I don't know how you do it either"- she whispered- "I don't know how you watch those things every day and don't go insane."

- "If it makes you feel better, I don't know how I do either, and it scared me to think my heart might be numbing with each case we solve. With every psychopath we catch."

- "We are gonna find him"- she assured me and held my hands tight- "We are bringing him home safe, I swear."

- "Let's go find Gideon,"- I said, nodding at her words- "He needs to know Tobias posted the last murder."

Jason was mad, beyond furious. He was losing it. Derek and Prentiss kept trying to crack Hankel and discover where he had taken Reid. Meanwhile, Garcia, Gideon, and I made our best to take the video of the murder from the web.

- "I have a list of everyone from the file-sharing chain. I could send out a mass warning that the video is actually a virus,"- Garcia said and started typing as fast as possible. I just stared at the screen, waiting for something, anything to happen.

But I wasn't waiting for what came next.

- "Confess your sins"- Hankel's voice made me jump, and the sight of Reid, still tied to that chair, bleeding, and being tortured, broke my heart again.

- "Confess!!"- that sick psychopath shouted and hit him.

- "I haven't done anything,"- Spencer sobbed, but it was useless. Hankel kept punching him, over and over again, even when my best friend begged for mercy.

I felt Jason hold my hand as I was holding Garcia's. The three of us felt powerless, useless, angry, and scared, all at the same time. I couldn't bear to watch Reid being tortured, but at the same time, I was so glad he was still alive.

That until Hankel beat him so hard, he pushed him back in the chair, and Reid started convulsing.

- "He is killing him,"- Penelope cried, and I closed my eyes, biting my lips. Spencer was choking, and that mother fucker just stood there, watching him die.

- "That's the devil vacating your body"- he spit those words as Reid simply passed out. I didn't know if he was dead. I didn't know if he was going to make it. Shit! I didn't know anything.

I let go of Jason and Penelope and stormed out of the room. I was unprofessional, and I knew it, but I knew I would quit if anything happened to Reid. I wasn't going to stay working at the BAU if Spencer died.

- "Are you ok?"- Derek grabbed my arm. I just broke into tears and held him tight. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.

- "He's dying! We can't find him!!"- I sobbed against his chest.

- "(Y/N)! (Y/N)!"- I heard Penelope yelling as we all rushed back to the computer room. Hankel was giving CPR to Reid, trying to bring him back to life.

- "Come on, come on, please,"- I begged as I watched him pushing his chest over and over again until Spencer woke up, gasping for air.

- "Thank God!"- Hotch sighed and rubbed his hands against his face. The whole team let out a breath of relief simultaneously, and I kept watching Reid. His opened eyes gave me hope.

- "Wait,"- Prentiss said suddenly- "When was the video of the last murder posted?"

- "Nine thirty"- Penelope answered

- "And when was the time of death?"

- "The 911 call came in at 9:04, and the murder must have been moments later."- Hotch added and didn't even turn to look at Prentiss. We were all still shocked looking at the screen.

- "That's just a 19 minutes difference,"- I said and turned to García- "How long would it take to post that file?"

- "Two or three minutes."

- "Let's call it two,"- I said, getting excited- "You figure a maximum of 60 miles an hour in a residential area. That means Hankel has to be within a 17-mile radius of the crime scene."

For a second, I felt I was rambling facts just like Reid would. It made me miss him even more.

- "García, can we see it on the map?"- Aaron whispered. He was clearly affected, and it also made me feel selfish, knowing I had made a tantrum with the whole team, forgetting they were suffering as well.

- "Call chief Farraday"- Jason commanded as soon as we saw the map of the area on the screen- "I want that area locked down like it's martial law."

JJ stood up and grabbed her phone but didn't make the call. García warned us something was going on with Reid and all of us stared at the screen in silence.

Spencer was on his back on the floor, still tied to a chair. It was clear he wasn't fully conscious of what was happening.

- "You came back to life,"- mother fucker Hankel said, spitting the words in anger.

- "Raphael,"- Reid whispered, recognizing one of his personalities.

- "There can be only one of two reasons."

- "I was given CPR,"- my friend whispered, but it was clear that wasn't one of the psycho's options.

- "There are no accidents. How many members of our team are watching us right now?"

- "Seven."

- "The seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first sounding followed hail, and they were thrown to the earth."

- "He thinks it's the revelations"- Hotch explained- "The seven archangels versus the seven angels of death."

I didn't know much about religion, but it didn't take a genius to figure out he didn't believe we were the good guys.

- "Tell me who you serve."

- "I serve you,"- Reid answered right away. His voice was a whisper. He had to be exhausted.

- "Then choose one to die"

- "What?!"

- "Your team members, choose one to die"- I knew what he was going to answer at that, and I didn't want to hear it.

- "Kill me,"- he replied immediately, and I closed my eyes, unable to watch what would happen next.

- "You said you weren't one of them."

- "I lied."

- "Your team has seven other members. Tell me who dies."

- "No"- Penelope gasped, and Prentiss cursed. I opened my eyes and nearly fainted. Hankel had a gun pointed against Reid's forehead.

The silence amongst the team was unbearable. Neither of us knew what to do. We were all panicking, praying, desperate.

- "Choose and prove you'll do God's will."

- "No."

Neither of us moved. Neither of us breathed until Hakel pulled the trigger, and no bullet came out. I nearly sigh, but it wasn't over.

- "Choose"- he repeated

- "I won't do it"- Hankel didn't even wait. He just pulled the trigger, and we all jumped at the same time. He was safe again.

- "Life is a choice."

- "No,"- Reid repeated once again. And Hankel pulled the trigger for the third time.

- "Choose"- and for the first time, Spencer made a pause. Was going to pick one of us to die?

- "I choose"- the whispered- "Aaron Hotchner."

Derek and I looked at him, and his pale face didn't move a muscle.

- "He's the classic narcissist. He thinks he's better than everyone else on the team. Genesis 23:4 "Let him not deceive himself, and trust in emptiness, vanity falseness, and futility, for these shall be his recompense."

Hotch stormed out of the room as Hankel pulled the trigger one more time and shot the wall.

I felt I was going to puke. If Reid hadn't picked one of us, he would be dead.

- "For God's will,"- the mother fuck said, as he put another bullet in the gun after removing the casing.

I couldn't look anymore. I followed Gideon and Derek to find Aaron going through all Tobias's diaries on the table.

- "I'm not a narcissist,"- he said as soon as he saw us.

- "Come on. Look, you can't think anything from that"- Jason tried to calm him down, in case he was somehow affected by what Reid had just said on camera- "He is not in his right mind, Hotch."

- "No, stop, stop. Alright, everybody, right now: what's my worst quality?"

He had to be kidding. We all stared at him, muted, lost in that conversation. What was his point? Neither of us said a word. We just looked at each other, confused and awkward.

- "Ok, I'll start. I have no sense of humor."

- "You are a bully,"- JJ added.

- "You can be a drill sergeant sometimes,"- I said, and he nodded.

- "Right."

- "You don't trust women as much as men"- you could feel it in Prentiss's voice. That one was personal.

- "Ok, good. I'm all these things, but none of you said that I ever put myself above the team because I don't, ever. Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism, and he knew that I would remember that. He also quoted Genesis chapter 23, verse 4. Read it."

Hotch gave me the book. He wasn't even breathing as she spoke. He was in a hurry. We were all.

- "I'm a stranger and a sojourner with you. Give me property, forbear a place among you that I may bury my dead of my sight."

- "He wouldn't get it wrong unless it were on purpose."

- "He is in a cemetery."- I said and looked at him. He nodded, and I swear to God, I saw a slight smile on his lips. That smile was hope. We were getting closer.

Spencer's point of view

I took a sip of water. I hadn't drunk in days, and my throat burned. I was still a little lost, still a little off.

- "Tobias, is that you?"- I saw him nod, sitting next to me. He moved the cup of water closer so that I could drink some more.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and looked at him- You saved my life- he stared down at the ground and finally whispered

- "I'm sorry."

- "Why?"

- "He'll win in the end."

It was sad to see Tobias Hankel's good person locked inside a sick mind that also held a psychopath like his father.

- "Tobias, I need to know something. It's important. Are we in a cemetery?"- and he nodded. I smiled at him and sighed, relieved. Help was coming. My team was coming.

- "I used to come here to get high."

- "I was right."

- "No one bothers you here. I never told anyone about it."

He wrapped his belt around my arm, and I turned to him, still smiling. I didn't know if I were happy I was right or glad I would get high again. Maybe both. Maybe the second 'cos the minute that needle got to my vein, that sweet, sweet release felt like a bath of joy that washed away any pain, regret, or guilt I could have ever felt.

Guilt. I've had my share of that. I remember the day I had my mom admitted to the hospital. She hadn't eaten in days. She wouldn't take care of herself, and they're just so much I could do. I wasn't able to keep her safe from herself, from her mind.

- "What are these men doing here?"- she asked me as I walked with two nurses into the study. She was writing and reading. It was all she did, preparing lectures for classes she didn't have to give, in imaginary campuses.

I stood in front of her and hesitated for a second. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, telling mom I was taking her away from her own house.

- "They are from the hospital. They are here to help,"- I whispered and looked at my mother's confused expression. She was so thin. She looked so sick. I felt so guilty I couldn't do better for her.

- "I don't need help, and you can't be here without permission, tell them, Spencer."

She looked down at her books again and tried to continue writing. I took a deep breath, I knew I would break her heart, but there was nothing else I could do.

- "I called them"- she looked at me in pain. Deep, honest pain. Like I had just shattered her heart. Which I had done.

- "Spencer"- she simply whispered and stared into my eyes, begging for an explanation. I was trying my best not to cry. I had a whole speech prepared. I was going to tell her how much I loved her. I was going to explain to her how good it was for her to be in a place where someone could continuously take care of her. I had facts and statistics, but all I managed to say was:

- "I'm doing this for you."

And I felt like a liar. 'Cos, there was a part of me that was doing it for myself too.

- "This isn't legal"- she shook her head in shock and kept trying to find a good explanation to what was going on.

- "Your son is eighteen, ma'am. He can act in your welfare,"- one of the make nurses explained to her.

- "You need help,"- I said and prayed she could understand. But she just burst into tears and begged.

- "I wanna stay here!"

- "I'm... sorry, mom."

- "Please, these are my things, this is my life..."

Those men took her. They took her from her house and put her in a hospital. No. I put her there. I put my mom in a hospital so I could live my life, 'cos I am selfish and couldn't take care of her anymore.

- "Spencer, please, don't do this to me."

Those were the words that haunted me day and night. And my mother's crying face, begging me not to take her from her own house.

What kind of a son am I? I did that to her. I put her in a mental place 'cos I couldn't deal with her disease anymore. 'Cos I didn't know how to take care of her.

- "What are you sorry for, boy?"- I heard Hankel ask when I woke up. I was muttering, "Sorry" as I came back from my trip.

- "I sent her away."

- "Who."

- "My mom. I couldn't help her."

- "Is that a confession?"- I nodded and looked around, confused. Lost. High- "You know the bible. Exodus 21:17"

- "And he that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death,"- I whispered, scared and full of regret.

I heard him walk towards me. He kneeled and uncuffed me. I didn't know what was happening. Honestly, I was still too high to get what was going on around me.

- "Grab a shovel,"- he commanded and walked outside.

I was too weak to dig fast. I don't know how I was actually moving, but I was digging my own grave. I never thought I would ever end up doing such a thing. It's not something you think about, actually. Not unless you work in the BAU. Here, you start analyzing and considering the way you'll die: 'Cos you could, every day.

- "I ought to bury you alive in there, give you some time to think about what you've done,"- Hankel said and looked at me while I worked, playing with a knife.

- "I know what I've done."

- "Don't talk back to me! Dig!"

I pant and kept moving, very slowly, trying to buy myself some time too. I was sure the team was coming to get me any minute now. I was counting on them, though the more I thought about it, the less worthy of salvation I felt. Maybe I deserved to die after all.

I was almost certain I had seen some lights moving in the back. Flashlights. But it could be my mind playing tricks on me. I was too tired. And still too high, too.

- "Dig faster!"- he commanded me as I moved, losing my breath.

- "I'm not strong enough"- I cried, 'cos I felt like that. Like a failure, a child that aimed to be a grown-up and failed miserably. A bad son. The worst agent. A fake that deserved to die.

- "You are all weak!! Get out of there!"

Hankel took off his coat and left it on the ground. I slowly moved so he could dig for me, but the lights in the back took my attention, and he noticed. As soon as he turned around, I quickly grabbed his coat and reached out for the gun.

- "You've only got one bullet, son,"- he said as he looked at me. And I just pulled the trigger.

I shot him. I killed him. Hankel. Raphael. Tobias. I freed Tobias. Or at least, that is what I wanted to think.

- "Reid!!"- I heard (Y/N) yelling as I crawled to Tobia's body. He was still awake. He was himself.

- "You killed him"- he said, and he was relieved- "Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?"

- "I'm sorry,"- I whispered, and he was gone.

- "Reid!!"

(Y/N) yelled and ran over. She kneeled next to me and held me in her arms. I couldn't move, because for a few seconds, I couldn't believe she was real. She was there.

- "Honey, honey, are you ok? Can you hear me?"- she said, and tears started falling from her eyes- "Honey, it's me."

I just looked at her and hugged her. I hugged her as my life depended on it. There she was, next to me, finally.

- "I thought I was never going to see you again,"- I whispered and sobbed.

The urge to kiss her filled my whole body. I needed to taste her. I needed to show her how much I had needed her those days. But I knew I couldn't.

I didn't want to let her go. I didn't for a few minutes. I just hold onto her for my sanity. She kissed my forehead, cupping my face with both hands.

- "I'm so happy to see you. I'm glad you are ok... let's go to the ambulance, ok?"- I nodded but didn't let her go. I felt I could hold her forever. I wanted to keep her close for as long as I lived.

But the rest of the team gathered around us, and I wanted to thank them too. I needed to thank Hotch. So as soon as I let (Y/N) go, I wrapped my arms around him.

- "You alright?"- he asked me.

- "I knew you'd understand,"- I managed to say with tears falling from my eyes and a knot in my throat.

For a moment, I thought I was never going to see the team again. My family.

JJ held me close and apologized. I knew she felt guilty for leaving me alone, but I was the only one culpable for what had happened. I wanted to prove myself, and all I managed to do was prove I was a fool. A useless SSA.

- "It's alright, it wasn't your fault,"- I said and did my best to smile at her. But I know I failed. Gideon grabbed my arm and nodded.

- "Let's get you out of here."

- "Please,"- I whispered before we started walking- "Can I have a second alone?"- he looked at me and nodded, looking at Tobias' body lying by our side. He walked away, and I kneeled next to my capturer.

But instead of paying my respects, instead of cursing. Instead of anything, I took the Dilaudid bottles from his pocket and put them into mine.

And that's how the real hell started.

--

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @svveet-peas @muffin-cup @shilohpug

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: May 5th, 2021

[anntoldst0ries]

None shall sleep (Ethan x MC)

Book: Open Heart 3, post Chapter 5 Pairing: Dr Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr Noelle Valentine) Word Count/Rating: ~1.8k, T Summary: In the privacy of the diagnostic's office, Ethan & Noelle reflect on recent changes around them. Category/Warnings: Fluff, None Trope: And there was a bit of Hurt/Comfort

A/N: This chapter reminded me of things that have never been addressed... so this is a story of how things left unsaid all collided in my head. Hope you enjoy.

Also - yes, Ethan Ramsey can sing arias. Is anyone still truly surprised by the fact that this guy can do anything?

There is something mesmerizing about watching the lights of day go out, overpowered by darkness, ablaze with colours - from the depths of blue, through indigo, navy and all the way to pitch-black.

About how, in a sense, it washes away all the bothers and allows you to start anew with the next rise of the almighty sun.

Ethan Ramsey was hoping for this exactly, maybe more than ever, but all the signs showed it wasn’t in the cards for him.

Or at least not today.

He stared into the void, interwoven by occasional human figures passing by through the front lobby. No voices of the day were able to reach him on the 7th floor of his kingdom. Behind the glass wall, he was almost in a different world.

It had been yet another day that brought him more gritted teeth, holding himself back and resigned sighs, than actual satisfaction from helping those who counted on him. All these ‘activities’ were not only annoying but also highly energy-consuming.

Bringing the index and middle fingertips to his pulsating temples, he started to compress and massage them in small circles, trying to soothe the pounding inside his skull. He could hear the blood rushing through the highways of his veins, the sound almost drowning out all external stimuli.

But there were certain sounds his expert ear was trained on, the ones he would’ve recognized even in his sleep.

Like the one reaching his ears right now, the sound of the door handle being pressed.

With his back facing the door, he couldn’t see who was trying to impose on his much-needed solitude. But since the unexpected guest did not precede their ministrations by knocking, the possibilities narrowed down significantly. There were only two people on the premises of Edenbrook who could invade his personal space without a modicum of manners.

“Can I help you?” He modulated his voice to ensure the tone was expressing two things: annoyance and irony in the otherwise polite question.

“I’m sorry.” From all the voices, this one he did not expect to hear now. A melodic tone was joined by a scuffle of retreating steps. “Do you want me to go?”

Ethan curled his lips in a tiny smile. They both knew she wasn’t apologetic and that he wanted anything but her to leave.

“No, it’s just that there are only two people in this hospital that wouldn’t bother knocking and I thought it was one of them paying me a visit.”

“Let me guess… Zaid and Baz?”

“No, but in terms of concept, you were actually close…just another type of evil ‘twins’."

“Oh, you mean his majesty King Bloom & his annoyance Dr Carrick?”

“Even as a joke, it sounds creepy and horrible.”

“Well, count me as a third now. Heads up though, I will only stop knocking after twilight.”

It was clear as crystal Ethan’s already specific sense of humor had less than ever space for amusement.

“I brought you this.” She put a brown paper bag on his desk, which immediately revealed the aroma of something delicious. “I figured you’re probably gonna stay here all night, so I thought I’ll pop over and check on you.”

He didn’t say anything, staring into the darkness. Not because he didn’t want to - he simply didn’t know what. This simple gesture was very touching and filled him with gratitude. But he was lacking the right words.

Then, for the first time since she’s interrupted his train of thought, he turned around to look at her. Tired and with puffy eyes, she’d still put everyone else to shame. Even on the worst of days, the light radiating from her turned heads and made the room brighter.

She extended a hand and when their fingers touched, he felt this weird, tingly feeling that has traveled from his palm, through his arm and neck, and then straight to his core.

Pressing him gently against the edge of the desk, she took his glasses off. Then loosened his tie and nonchalantly disheveled his hair. Ethan wouldn’t let anyone else in the world touch them, let alone put them in a state of such disarray.

With her, all the rules existed only to be broken.

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on in this big brain of yours?”

“Smart move, Valentine. You’ve pacified me so that now I will have no choice but to tell you whatever you want to know.”

“You always have a choice, let’s just hope you’re gonna make the right one.”

Ethan nodded, no sound escaping his lips. She knew she’d have to take it upon herself to get any information out of her stubborn converser.

“So, how are you holding up? I want an honest answer."

“I’ve been better.”

“I thought so.”

“It’s just that… Tobias is driving me crazy. His presence really tests my patience… I don’t know if I would’ve stopped myself from punching him had it not been for you.”

“Why thank you, I didn’t know my therapeutic services were that good.”

“They are.” Ethan cleared his throat. “But it’s… not just that.”

Dead silence lingered between them and he knew he had no other choice but to continue.

“The only reason why I haven’t wiped this ridiculous smirk off his face yet is that whenever I look at him, I… I see you in that room with Travis. I’m trying to remind myself that, as much as I hate to admit it, he was crucial to finding the cure on such short notice.”

“Ethan…”

“I already told you” - he interrupted her as if not to stop the words from flowing, afraid they may be trapped forever otherwise - “that there was so much more at stake last time Tobias set foot in Edenbrook.”

She took a deep breath, her eyes going slightly wider.

“The truth is, for me… everything was at stake. I would’ve done anything he’d asked me to, I’d have forgiven him if it meant saving you.”

Elle turned still, all her body movements, her breathing and even her blinking ceased.

It was one of those moments that mean so much but leave you with so little to say.

Using the power of non-verbal communication and their deep affinity, she bestowed on him the most gentle, loving and grateful expression her face could muster after yet another exhausting shift.

Ethan extended his arm and before she realized it, her back was gently pressed to the older doctor’s chest. Having wrapped her slender frame with his broad shoulders, Elle inhaled his familiar aroma. He smelled of comfort and felt like a safe harbor. He nudged her hair with his nose and placed a featherlight kiss on the crook of her neck. She smelled of calmness and felt like coming back home from a long journey.

“So,” - he murmured directly into her ear - “whether you like it or not, I am using you to soften the blow every time I look at Tobias’ face.”

“I think I can live with that.”

“But I can’t guarantee it will always be enough, he is a cocky son of a bitch.”

“Let's make a deal then. I see how much it costs you and I’m not telling you to trust Leland or forgive Tobias, I still believe you should be cautious. Let’s just wait and see where this goes, I think we’ll know sooner rather than later. In the meantime, we should focus on what matters the most, our patients.”

“Where is the deal part?”

“If it turns out you were right, I will hold Tobias and you will punch him. Deal?”

“I believe it should be the other way round. Declan Nash’s face told me your right hook is exquisite, Rookie.”

They both laughed at the memory which seemed so distant now, almost as if it's happened in another lifetime.

But Ethan went quiet again and she felt his body tense up, his arms tightening gently around her. It wasn’t very obvious, but she knew. It still came as a shock how well she actually knew him.

“Ethan? What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Ethan.”

“I’m sorry, I am not the most cheery companion today. You’re probably better off not spending too much time with me before you turn into a cynic.”

“Dr Ramsey, what a pathetic attempt of trying to get rid of me. You’ve never been the most cheerful type and I’ve survived your gloomy companionship, hell, I think it grew on me over time. So I should be ok today, too.”

It looked like silence was very much their third companion today.

“I’m thinking about Francis.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“I’m thinking about how hard it would be not to see. So many beautiful things, colors, all turning into nothingness.”

“I take it you mean the opera?”

“That too, but let’s just say I’ve learned to appreciate things that are right in front of my nose… literally and figuratively.”

The butterflies started somersaulting in her stomach.

“I didn’t want to add more to your plate at the time, but I’ve already felt this way… when we diagnosed Caroline and Leland.”

It was funny that, despite his obvious animosity towards Bloom, whenever his wife was in the picture, he spoke about both in an almost affectionate way. His doctor’s instincts were kicking in, because first and foremost he was a doctor who had his patients’ best interest at heart.

“The thought of not being able to touch you…it reminded me of touching you through the layer of hazmat suit. And now with everything Francis has been through, I just can’t be bothered to think about anything else but you. This is my true personal connection to this case.”

It was her turn to be speechless.

Ethan tightened his grip over her once again, this time protectively rather than out of stress. Slow hum started filling the air, the melody soon joined by lyrics, which he sang in fluent Italian; a private concert, performed for her and her only.

Tu pure, oh Principessa

Nella tua fredda stanza

Guardi le stelle

Che tremano d'amore

E di speranza**

She remembered their patient’s face, which seemed calmer once Ethan started singing the aria before the depths of illness contorted it with pain.

Francis' husband's words echoed throughout her head.

Even though the man holding her in his arms didn’t say it, there was no need.

She knew.

He will always be here.

And she will always be here, too.

-----

** Lyrics - aria "Nessun Dorma" (‘None shall sleep’) from the opera "Turandot".

Translation:

Even you, oh Princess,

In your cold room,

Watch the stars,

That tremble with love

And with hope.

Tag 🔖 list: @starrystarrytrouble @genevievemd @sophxwithers @maurine07 @lovingramsey @iemcpbchoices @oldminniemcg @schnitzelbutterfingers @archxxronrookie @jamespotterthefirst @the-pale-goddess @queencarb @fireycookie @qrkowna @coffeeheartaddict @utterlyinevitable @gryffindordaughterofathena @xxsugarplumfluffsxx @wingedhairstylemusicweasel @mrs-ramsey @tsrookie @fayeswiftie @mercury84choices @lisha1valecha @lucy-268 @stateofgracious @danijimenezv @alina-yol-ramsey

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[davieslandon]

discord || Best Friend Cuddles

DISCORD THREAD FEATURING: Landon and @romanbeckett

MENTIONS: @jayceelynd @ellicfm

WHERE: Roman’s place

WHEN: after Roman got back home from the hospital 

DESCRIPTION: Landon texts Roman after he finds out Ro was admitted to the hospital and goes to visit him at his place.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: hospital mentions

ROMAN Roman was tired, but he’d managed to get some rest at the hospital. He was administered plenty of fluids, and ate some as well before he was allowed to leave. He felt so stupid for letting himself get to this point, feeling defeated as he sat up on the edge of the bed, Jay finally sleeping soundly beside him. She’d been through more than any of them lately it seemed, and he’d only made things even harder on her. At least she was able to catch up on some sleep now. Ro pulled on an old Rolling Stones T-shirt with his dark grey joggers, and then pulled on a beanie to hide his crazy hair. He looked cuddly though, rubbing his eyes like a sleepy baby when he opened the front door for Landon. “Hey.” He rasped with a smirk, leaning in to hug the smaller before even letting him inside.

LANDON Landon was completely exhausted but he knew he wouldn’t be able to rest until he saw for himself that Roman really was okay. Finding out he was admitted to hospital was yet another shock to the system and he needed to keep reminding himself that the other boy was home now so it had to mean everything was okay. He called Ellie to ask her to babysit Elle while he wasn’t home and tried not to feel too guilty that his daughter was spending more time with her babysitter lately than with him. His guilt was momentarily forgotten when Roman opened the door and pulled him in for a hug. He was okay, he was right in front of him and he was fine. “You scared the shit out of me”, he said, squeezing him tightly. “Don’t ever do that again.”

ROMAN Ro closed his eyes when Landon said he’d scared the shit out of him, squeezing him slightly in reassurance. “I know, I’m sorry. Come in.” He stepped aside to let the smaller inside of the house, making it a point to lock, and deadbolt the front door behind them out of habit. He was always super paranoid when it came to locking up the house, even though they lived in a gated community. “Do y’want anythin’ to drink?” Roman turned to look at Landon, still clearly feeling terrible about what had happened.

LANDON Landon felt a lot more relaxed now that he got a chance to see for himself that Ro was fine. Well, maybe not exactly fine since he did end up going to the hospital from stress but at least he was alive and well. “Um, sure. Some water would be good.” He kept glancing at the other, looking for any signs that he was still unwell but apart from looking tired, Ro looked fine. “You feeling any better?” He figured the least he could do was actually ask him instead of just trying to catch glances at him.

ROMAN Ro nodded, and then headed straight to the kitchen, expecting Landon to follow him. He scratched the back of his head underneath his beanie when the other asked if he was feeling any better, supposing he kind of did somewhat, though his head was still pounding. “Yeah.” He replied, not one to complain, or go into further detail. Ro retrieved a bottle of water from the fridge before turning to hand it to landon, then chose to lean back against the counter, and cross his arms. “How about you? How are you feeling?”

LANDON Classic Ro, asking about Landon when he was the one who ended in hospital. Knowing he wasn’t likely to get anything more out of him before he answered, Landon shrugged. “I’m good, feeling great.” In reality, Landon wasn’t doing so well. The stress of the past few days was slowly catching up on him and it felt like he couldn’t keep up. He was just so tired. It’s not as if he was about to say that to Roman though, especially not after what happened. The other boy already had more than enough on his plate without Landon adding more to it.

ROMAN Roman could tell that Landon was putting on a show, but he wasn’t going to pry further. Honestly? He was just glad to see the smaller, because he was his best friend, and fuck if he didn’t just really need his best friend now. Ro nodded soon after Landon had answered him, waiting for the right moment to just step forward, and hug him yet again. He buried his face in the other’s beck, deeply inhaling his scent as he tried not to cry, yet again. Landon had dealt with a crying Roman more than enough lately. “I feel like I’m going crazy, Landon.”

LANDON Landon hugged him back, running his hand through Roman’s hair like he knew he liked. It was hard seeing his best friend in this state but he knew it was to be expected with everything going on. Once again he felt guilt tugging at his stomach. Things started going to shit when he decided to stay in New York. Maybe going back to London would have been best for everybody’s sake but it was too late now and he needed to live with his decision. He just wished there was something he could do to make Ro feel better that didn’t involve staying out of his life. Because even though he knew the other’s life would be so much easier without him around, he didn’t think he could ever do that. They were too intertwined together.

ROMAN They stood like that for awhile, Roman clinging to landon like a massive dog on a child, feeling himself start to relax with the way landon was running his fingers through his hair. That always made him feel better, every damn time. He didn’t need landon to actually say anything, he just needed him to be there. Ro pulled back after probably way too long, his eyes and face clearly damp from a few tears. “I’m sorry. Do you wanna sit on the couch? Or, you don’t have to stay long. I know you’re probably tired.”

LANDON It was obvious Ronan was crying but he didn’t mention it. With everything going on lately, Landon would have been surprised if he wasn’t crying. “Yeah, let’s sit down”, he said, leading him over to the couch. “I can stay as long as you need, Ellie’s with Elle.” He almost made a joke on their similarity in name but he felt like he this wasn’t the tune to be making jokes. Instead he pulled Roman close, wrapping his arms around him and nuzzling his face in his neck. ROMAN “That’s a lot of Elle’s.” Roman made the joke for him, because if Landon wasn’t gonna point it out, then of course Ro was going to comment on it instead. That was his job. Kind of. Not really. Self proclaimed job. He couldn’t say he wasn’t relieved though when the smaller pulled him close, and nuzzled against him like he knew Ro needed. This wasn’t about sex, or romance, or any of that. Landon was his best friend, the person who knew him the absolute most, and sometimes, certain types of pain can only be eased by your best friend. “I love you, Landon. I’m sorry I’ve been such a shit friend, but I promise I’m gonna change that. I want to be better.” LANDON Landon huffed out a laugh, glad that Roman made the joke for him because it eased his worries that things might still be a little weird between them. If they were joking around as usual then things couldn't possibly be that bad...right? The other boy couldn't possibly know how much Landon needed to cuddle like this with his best friend right now. He needed the comfort of knowing someone he cared about so much was by his side. He needed not to feel so alone. Landon bit his lip over what Roman said. He wasn't going to cry, he wasn't going to cry. This wasn't about him. "You're not a shit friend", he said once he felt he could talk without his voice breaking. "You're Ro. Always there for me when I need you and never giving up on me."

ROMAN Roman closed his eyes when Landon said he wasn’t a shit friend, going on to say things he certainly didn’t have to say. Ro was the least deserving of being lifted up right now. In his mind, he recieved what was coming to him, and had been pending for a long time. You can’t be reckless in life, and expect no consequences. “I would never give you up.” He admitted quietly, squeezing his arms around the other male as a single tear slid down his cheek. This was his best mate, his first friend, his first everything. Their connection was rare, and more special than he felt he should be allowed to have. Why would he ever want to get rid of that?

LANDON Landon allowed himself a small smile at the other’s admission. He knew they were of the same opinion but it was nice to have it confirmed. Things weren’t easy for them right now but they’d gone through much worse and managed to come out on top so why couldn’t this be the same? They always said they could get through everything together. The silence between them wasn’t awkward, both having so much to think about but Landon finally broke it to ask, “Are you feeling a little better?” He really hoped this was working, even if just a little. Cuddling was all he could really offer to help out.

ROMAN Ro smirked when Landon asked if he was feeling better, surprised by just how much he felt better. Though, he had no idea why that surprised him at this point. “Much better. Thanks.” Roman squeezed his tiny friend, thankful that he was here, even if he didn’t feel he deserved it. “You always know how to make me feel better. That’s why I need to keep you around. I’m selfish.” He joked, though there was so much truth in that statement. LANDON “I think if everything that happened lately has taught us anything, it’s that we’re all a little selfish.” If he wasn’t, maybe Landon would have been able to let him go without causing so many problems. Although maybe that wasn’t completely true. Roman was so much more than an ex for him. He was his first real friend, his first love...his first time. Not letting go wasn’t just out of selfishness but out of a need to keep one of the most important people in his life close. Landon wasn’t sure what he would do without Ro. “I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

ROMAN Roman actually giggled a little at that, because maybe Landon had a point. But, still. It was in his nature to automatically obsess over his own part in things, because that’s the only bit he could control. Well. Kind of. Clearly he had less self control than he thought he did. Ro pulled back to look at the smaller when he said he was glad he was feeling better, a soft smirk on his lips before he decided to just lean in, and place an innocent kiss to the corner of Landon’s lips. It just felt natural to do so, so he did it, and then cupped the side of the boy’s neck. “I love you, Landon. Thank you.” LANDON Landon wasn't expecting the kiss but he didn't mind. He could tell it wasn't meant to be anything more than a friendly kiss between two people who cared so much about each other. His only worry was that Jaycee was sleeping upstairs and could wake up at any moment. The last thing he wanted was for her to get the wrong idea while he was in her home. "I love you too. You know I would do anything for you. I'm just sorry things turned so messy between us but I promise it's going to get better, okay?" ROMAN Ro just nodded, lifting a hand to tuck some hair behind his ear before looking down at the couch between them. It was such an odd feeling right now, stuck between falling back into their old dynamic, and realizing what they were now. Even after all this time, Ro still had a hard time putting a divider between himself, and someone he considered an extension of himself. “Yeah. It has to be, right?” His gaze flicked back up to Landon’s insanely blue eyes, a hint of a smirk on Roman’s lips once more. “You look tired. Go home and rest. I’m okay. I promise I’ll do better taking care of myself.”

LANDON Sometimes it felt like his brain was still stuck to when they were eighteen years old and he could make anything better with a nice make out session and maybe a quick round in bed. He needed to remind himself that time was long gone and he needed to focus on not ruining their friendship with all of that. They did it once already and the aftermath was not pretty. "Are you sure? I'm not that tired I swear. I can stick around if you're still not feeling good." Roman didn't have to know about his breakdown a few days before.

ROMAN Roman simply rubbed Landon’s cheek, and then sighed as he dropped his hand, and leaned back on the couch. That was the problem, he didn’t know what he wanted. He didn’t actually want Landon to leave, but he knew that was probably for the best. If he stayed around any longer while Ro was allowing himself to be vulnerable, he might do something he shouldn’t. “I’m sure. Honestly, i feel loads better since you’ve stopped by. I jus’ really fucking needed my bestmate. I always need you.”

LANDON Landon couldn't deny that he was a bit disappointed. He knew Elle was at home so he wasn't completely on his own but it was moments like this that made him miss living with an actual adult he could have a conversation with. Going home meant going back to feeling more lonely than ever but he knew, deep down, it wasn't a good idea to stay. Keeping their distance always got that much harder the longer they were around each other. "I'm just glad I could help out a little", he said, before getting up. "I'm here if you ever need me. I don't care what time it is, I'll be there."

ROMAN Roman nodded, because he fully believed Landon’s promise in that regardless of where he was, and the time, he would be right here if he needed him to be. That was just the way Landon was - he would do that for any of his friends, not just Ro. But still, he knew what they had was a little different, okay, a lot different. “I mean, I’m always up to kick your arse in a game of Mario Kart if you’d rather stick around.” He challenged with that stupid lopsided grin of his, the one that was extremely imperfect, yet perfect all at the same time. “If you think you can stay awake.” He teased the smaller, playfully reaching out to pinch his cheek. LANDON If there was one way of getting Landon into a competitive mood, it was by bringing up Mario Kart. He liked to call himself a pro and Roman loved to disagree and try and prove him wrong. It was just what he needed for him to stop feeling this bone aching tiredness he'd been dragging around with him since the pride party at throuple so he found himself nodding. "Oh, I can stay awake I just don't want to make you cry when I end up beating your arse over and over again with my mad Mario Kart skills."

[thegayfromrulid]

Frkm 1 allll the way to 99. Also, the next SAO game eugeo lives as a sword and not die (thank GOD)

@2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Chocolate bars- I will not eat lollipops. 

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Cotton candy! I actually get super bad headaches from bubblegum.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Probably lonely genius...

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

Soda bottles!! I feel so fancy!! And old-timey.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

I guess tomboy even though I’m a boy??

7. earbuds or headphones?

Aren’t these the same thing? I think I prefer over-ear headphones, but I don’t really like either. 

8. movies or tv shows?

Depends on the genre I guess. But as a main rule, live action- movies, animated- TV shows.

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Potato salad.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

Frankly, I wasn’t good, but I was really good at pissing all the jocks off-

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

I make myself these homemade egg mcmuffins. I enjoy them a lot. I am very picky about breakfast.

12. name of your favorite playlist?

I only have one and it’s very generic: The Gay From Rulid’s Playlist. Yes it’s on Spotify. Yes, it’s 99% anime openings and endings and maybe Bet On It from HSM2. Be ashamed of me. Go on.

13. lanyard or key ring?

Lanyard! Mine is a BNHA one I bought from an artist at Nekocon!

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Either Sweet Tarts or Nerds. 

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

I usually have one leg tucked up under me and the other stretched out.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

A black and white pair of Skechers. They look like shit. They almost never are replaced by another shoe. Not even in the gross muggy heat.

18. ideal weather?

When it’s just warm enough to wear a t-shirt and sit in the sunshine, but cool enough that I’m not hot, and a little breeze is going. I think of this weather quite often. 

19. sleeping position?

On my belly kinda spread out like a shounen protagonist.

21. obsession from childhood?

J.R.R. Tolkien. Have always been obsessed with him and his works. 

22. role model?

Redundant, but Tolkien again. Linguist and writer. Living my dream. 

23. strange habits?

I unplug things like microwaves, lamps, and TVs when I am done using them. Very little remains plugged in at my place. The modem, the fridge, and the clock. That is it.

24. favorite crystal?

Amethyst. It’s my sister’s middle name. And I especially like the purple ones.

25. first song you remember hearing?

Blue by Eiffel 65. I don’t know why that song sticks out so much in my memory but it’s nostalgic for me. Tiny AJ hyperfixated on this song before anything else ya’ll. 

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Curl up in the sun on a blanket and nap. 

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Hot cocoa blanket cuddles. 

28. five songs to describe you?

Uhhhh...I’m not very musically literate. Let’s go with Born This Way (the first person I came out to sent me that song so it feels special!), I’m Free to Be Me by Jamie Grace, Praying by Kesha, Shake It Off by Taylor Swift ( @delicateeuphorias​ would you believe it xD), and right now thinking about someone dear to me who’s been gone See You Again is stuck in my brain.

30. places that you find sacred?

Arboretums or big botanical gardens where I can get lost in the plants for a moment and take in how pretty they all are. And old monuments/big things people of the past built. A lot of things were built by people with no rights/freedom and I think about them and how despite the fact that they had nothing, they made such a lasting impact on our world. 

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

*slips on my Owari no Seraph cosplay* I will kick ass in this sweet ass cape-

33. most used phrase in your phone?

My phone seems to think it’s “Kirito’s ass” and I want it to not think that.

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

O-O-O-O’REILLYYYYYYYYYY’S...Autooo PARTS.

35. average time you fall asleep?

I’m an insomniac it could be 10 pm it could be 3 am who knows I sleep for an hour I’m up again...

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

Fucking CAN I HAS CHEEZBURGR cats. 

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

This all boils down to how much I’m packing. Going for a sleepover? Duffel. Going to con? My giant suitcase with room for all the bells and whistles of cosplay.

38. lemonade or tea?

Tea!

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Oh cruel I looooove lemon. The pie!

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

In high school here- so, aside from me being the resident weirdo (I DID come to school dressed as the TARDIS), my senior class decided to squirt hundreds of bottles of chocolate syrup on the sidewalks. We were an open campus so it’s all in front of our classroom doors- we had no hallways. And then they. They fucking EGGED ALL THE DOORS. The whole campus smelled like...ick.

41. last person you texted?

My father and mother in a group text to cry about customers treating me poorly. 

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

I prefer the jacket pockets because I still haven’t found a way to get men’s pants under the radar of my ever-watchful parents and women’s jeans pockets are SHITTY. Women gotta boycott this shit it is UNACCEPTABLE-

44. favorite scent for soap?

Peppermint...peppermint ^-^ I like to smell like...mint.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy!

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Recently I was reminded I live alone and my new favorite sleeping outfit...is...just some boxer shorts. Suck it dysphoria. Manly nightwear.

47. favorite type of cheese?

Pepper jack, Swiss, or ricotta. 

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Strawberry :3

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

I’m gonna sound so gay but when @disasterbikirito​ started laughing about a certain GIF and his laugh was so infectious I couldn’t help but laugh too. 

51. current stresses?

Are you shitting me it’s everything. Every. Single. Thing. I cannot breathe. I am having meltdowns. Someone fucking save me I cannot deal with COVID well.

52. favorite font?

Garamond for writing in my free time, Doulous SIL for all the linguistics IPA symbols my greedy heart desires. 

53. what is the current state of your hands?

Smooth but my fingertips have been gnawed on. I am stressed, okay?

54. what did you learn from your first job?

Gosh, lots of things. But the most important takeaway is that a good boss will genuinely care about you. I miss that man. He was so wonderful and so caring and taught me so much about theater. Technical things and artistic things and historical things. Sometimes I wish I could have made a career out of working under him. 

55. favorite fairy tale?

Beauty and the Beast (AH...AH...I SEE YOU ROLLING YOUR EYES BECAUSE I’M TRANS. I KNOW. I *KNOW*.)

56. favorite tradition?

It’s a family tradition kinda unique to my household. Each year, we draw a name from a hat, and that name comes with a lot of words that describe us and what we liked over that year. We then each take a $20 bill and we go to a little hobby shop with cheap things in it and use that $20 bill to fill a Christmas stocking. We then hang them back up and empty the stocking full of candies and random silly things and have a good laugh and guess who filled whose stocking. 

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

The first one is coming to terms with knowing my dad has a severe illness. It really shook my family up, and it’s terrifying us right now with everything going on, but after a while, I learned that he was smiling, so I could smile, too.

The second one is my mother coming back from her tour in the Middle East on top of the murder of my godmother. Two very stressful things happened at once. My mother got very violent from her PTSD and her best friend died in a horrible way. It was an adjustment for everyone, and it kind of ripped my family to pieces. I can say, though, that my parents are still married and are getting better, and my sister and I are coming back to the family to be more open and healthy.

The third, and maybe some of my followers are aware, was getting rid of my ex-fiance. He was a man who sexually assaulted me repeatedly and I won’t go into details beyond that. It took me 5 years to get rid of him and accept what happened, but I am a much happier person now and while I work through the trauma that caused me, I have the most wonderful partner by my side and if you had told me back then I’d find someone as kind and patient and loving as him, I would have laughed and thought you were insane. 

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

Probably what I put on all my fanfic updates: “I know. I’m an asshole.”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Some kind of shoujo romance but it’s bi also I want a sword.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

There was nothing more smartass than Alice Synthesis 30 in SAO 18 asking a reporter to open up his head and prove he was human I’m sorry like OOF-

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Get in losers, we’re playing Steppin’ Out by FLOW, Elle me dit by Mika, Blue by Eiffel 65, ADAMAS by LiSA, and Touch Off by UVERworld.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

I was on Webkinz more than I want to admit. 

65. any permanent scars?

Yup. I have one on my toe where I split the skin in half. I tripped. I have three surgical scars from when I had my appendix removed. And...the mystery scar. I was supposedly born with a scar it’s at the part where my foot meets my leg on my left side and you can see how it’s stretched over the years if you run your finger over it. The joke is that the doctor taking out my mom’s appendix scratched me in the womb. 

67. good luck charms?

Not really a charm but I do have a little Kirito keychain I carry everywhere I go that I fiddle with when I’m nervous.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Artificial bubblegum. Disgustiiiing.

70. left or right handed?

I am right-handed.

71. least favorite pattern?

Zig-zags. 

72. worst subject?

History...I am ashamed. It’s interesting, I just suck at it.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

Gingerbread and marshmallow. I am a bit picky about mixing foods and flavors, so this was the weirdest I could think up. 

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

Can you hear that? It’s my hysterical laughter. 12 on a scale of 10. I get up there pretty frequently. Thank you, chronic crippling pain. 

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

I...I don’t remember...I don’t even remember...I think I had to be like what...kindergarten? 

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

THIS IS CRUEL I LOVE ALL POTATOS I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH-Au gratin.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Aloe!

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Coffee from a gas station. Mark my words...I will never get grocery store sushi. Ever. Again. My stomach has not forgotten. What a mistake. That was. 

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

So, my driver’s license hasn’t had an updated photo since I was 15 and just had a learner’s so I look like I want to murder a man but my school ID I had just run about a mile in the cold because the bus wasn’t running that day and my face is red and I look like I’m crying...probably the school ID...

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Jewel tones~~

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

I am from the South and we call ‘em lightnin’ bugs.

82. pc or console?

Errrrr console. I’m not a gamer by any means but there’s way fewer things to press on a console controller. 

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Neither...what...no...neither...they will put me to sleep...I will be out in seconds...the most dangerous things...people talking...and then I’m out...

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie, she’s a LOT easier to dress. Those rubber clothes. SMH.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cookies but they gotta be the soft ones.

87. your greatest fear?

Being swallowed in the ocean. By a fish or a whale. I don’t play. Church kid don’t play with big things in the ocean with big mouths.

88. your greatest wish?

To make enough of a difference in someone’s life that they learn to love themself.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

Such a selfish thought...gosh...the mere thought of prioritizing someone troubles me. 

90. luckiest mistake?

Telling a cute guy sending me dog pictures was an excellent flirting technique as he sent me pictures of his puppy. I immediately thought “oh god I’ve fucked up bad” and at present we’re kinda head over heels for one another so maybe just be stupidly blunt once and a while you might find true love. 

91. boxes or bags?

Boxes. My cat didn’t force me to say that. Not at all. Sock, buddy, off the keyboard-

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Sunlight. I like the sun. The sun is my friend. It is warm and would never betray me.

93. nicknames?

Sister calls me “spoony” when she’s being ridiculous. No, I don’t know what that means. Mama calls me “cakes.” I had friends who called me “Deku” because I’m a crybaby. Had a few people DM me and straight up call me “Eugeo” or “Eug.” AJ is technically a nickname. 

94. favorite season?

Springtime!!!!! It’s...HERE!

95. favorite app on your phone?

I use like three apps...so Discord.

96. desktop background?

It’s. It’s Kirito and Eugeo. What did you expect.

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

Mama’s, dad’s, mine, and my parents’ house number. And does the emergency 911 count (pahahaha). 

(I answered the others in delicateeuphoria’s ask!)

[ohmeohmayohmy]

With the Slightest Smile, Chapter 2

Sorry, it took a little longer than expected, but here she is!

Taglist: @reedusteinrambles @amygummy

Note: There are probably some errors in this, my round of editing was rushed. The beginning of it might feel slow, but I promise this chapter is important for future reference. It’s not super eloquent, but the details needed to get across. Hopefully the fluffy Flashback!Brian x Reader makes up for it a little bit. Also, the photo is not mine, found on Pinterest.

Warnings: Again, just small amounts of language.

Words: 5.5k+

________________________________

July 10, 1973

The flight to London seemed longer than it normally was, but you assumed it was just the anticipation of the matter. It had been almost a year since you had been home for longer than a week, and this time you were actually moving back. The job you had in Helsinki was just the experience you needed as a new member of the workforce, but when you heard back that your application to the Great Ormond Street Hospital was accepted, you couldn’t pass it up. You became a nurse to help children, and this was your big chance.

Of course, in your line of work you didn’t have a lot of spare time, so keeping in touch with your friends and family back home became rather difficult: your budding star, a certain mister Brian May, proved to be the most elusive. At first, the distance was almost unnoticeable, calls were made often and letters exchanged at least once a week. But the phone eventually stopped ringing, and the letters circulated maybe once or twice a month. It pained you to recognize how you could feel him slipping away. You didn’t have this same problem with others, like your parents or Stella, and you always felt guilty that the person most important to you was falling by the wayside.

He wasn’t to blame, you were the one who stopped returning calls after a while. The fact that Brian wasn’t there with you became all the more prominent when you two were talking on the phone, so you decided it just seemed easier to not confront it. Real mature. When you had the opportunity to talk with him, however, he never gave the impression that he held any resentment, only pure happiness.

You felt ashamed that there were many big moments in his career that you had missed since leaving, but when you received the call about his band’s first album, you decided to leave a couple weeks earlier than originally planned so you could be in your rightful place, at his side. Much to your disappointment, Brian said he wouldn’t be able to pick you up from the airport because of some last minute album business, so Stella happily volunteered. This was some relief, at least it wasn’t your father.

“Ladies and gentlemen, it is our pleasure to welcome you to Heathrow Airport,” a chipper, feminine voice called from the com. You were taken out of your thoughts. Already?

* * *

“Y/N!” A tall, familiar woman called over a sea of travellers.

You waved your arms, trying your best not to get swept up in the chaos. Stella laughed as she made her way to you with ease, you figured it was easier to work a way through crowds when you towered over most of the people around you. Finally reaching her, you gathered Stella into your arms, thankful for her ability to ground you and make you feel safe. She squeezed you back before breaking away to lift your carryon over her shoulder.

She cocked her eyebrow, “Is this it?”

You shrugged. “Decent portion of it. I have a couple boxes coming, but I got rid of most things.”

Stella laughed again, her cadence hearty and warm. “Just don’t tell my mum you did away with that sweater she got you.” You gave her a knowing look, then joined her in laughter.

“So, how’re you?” You asked once you were clear of the mess of people.

Stella pushed her free hand through her beautiful hair. “‘M better knowing that you’re here.”

You admired her locks, smiling to yourself at the sight that she had begun to embrace its natural form. She always felt a little self conscious when you were in school, but you loved seeing her growth as a bold woman of industry.

“And how are you?”

“I’m better, too.”

It was true. The fact that you were once again in proximity to everything you came to appreciate more in your absence gave you some peace. And you felt that seeing Brian again would take away all the anguish of being apart, knowing this time you wouldn’t have to leave just after arriving.

Stella noticed the secret smile on your face as she took out the key to her minty green Volkswagen Beetle.

“Sorry I’m not lover boy,” she teased.

You turned to her, your face betraying your embarrassment to her. She looked at you as she carefully put your duffel bag in the trunk, then winked as she slammed the top down.

“I- I don’t know to whom you are referring,” you protested with excessive diction. It was your tell, and Stella knew it. It’s not that you felt that way about Brian, it was more the suggestion that everyone thought something was going on. Which there isn’t.

“Oh, of course not.” She lightly joked, but she knew it was a sensitive topic and didn’t want to press you too hard upon your first half hour of being home. Maybe in the next day or so, but you were tired and not likely a good sport about such things.

You smiled at her, showing there were no hard feelings over her insinuations, and hopped into the passenger seat. Since you were accustomed to Finland’s driving rules, it had taken you a moment to determine your designated side, but in real time there was only a second or two of delay.

Stella began to back out of her parking spot. “Excited to be back in that old apartment?” She inquired.

Oddly enough, you were.

“Mmhmm.”

“You know you can live with me, right? No offence to our dear Brian, but that place is shit. Not even fit for that little goblin mate of his.”

You let out a snort. Stella hated Roger with what seemed a burning passion. But she had a point.

After you left, he planned to move in to your room, but after one weekend, he decided it best to move in with their other friend, Freddie. Brian didn’t mind, he didn’t like the idea of someone else living in your room. He never told you that, just in case you might come back. Fortunately for him, the rent wasn’t very high so he could afford it by himself after he put in a few more hours of work a week.

“Thank you, Elle, but I am perfectly fine with it.”

“You’re fine with having a rockstar for a roommate? What about all those girls he brings home? You’re gonna have some awfully long nights.” Her tone wasn’t playful anymore, and veered towards accusatory.

You rolled your eyes.

“Brian’s more respectful than that.”

“Of women? Or of you?”

You shot her a dirty look. While you normally enjoyed Stella’s brashness, the implications of her questions made you uncomfortable and defensive of Brian.

She met your gaze and was taken aback at the hurt expression scrawled across your face. “You know I’m protective, ’m sorry. Brian’s great, I didn’t mean to insult him.”

The words stung a little bit, but what hurt more was that you were sure there was some truth behind it. You just never let it cross your mind, not wanting to lose that image of Brian, sweet Brian, you held so dearly. But there was some weight to her words, you both knew it.

Trying to lighten the mood, Stella turned up the radio. It was playing “My Girl”, and as she was belting out the lyrics, you were transported.

--May 19, 1965--

The teacher dismissed your class right on time, and though you were usually one of the last students to leave the classroom because you liked to put your things away neatly in your bookbag, you found yourself rushing out the door almost instantaneously. You felt bad, thinking it unfair and rude to Ms. Moffett, but you had places to be. Somehow you’d manage to make it up to her.

Running down the steps outside as you finished slinging the straps around your shoulders, you saw Brian’s tall figure already waiting for you on the grass. He had his acoustic guitar resting its body on the ground while he supported the head with his right hand. In his left, he held a small bunch of flowers, and on his face, he had the biggest smile as he watched you approach. You basically ran into his arms, which he braced for by gently setting the instrument on the ground as you had been quickly getting closer. The moment of impact, Brian wrapped his arms around your waist and twirled you around in the air a few times, you giggled and told him to let you down, but claimed he was only stopping because of his own dizziness. Once you were firmly standing, he handed you the bouquet. He didn’t let on that he had already felt dizzy when he first touched you, before the spinning. Because of you, he felt hopelessly toppled.

“They’re beautiful, Bri.” You kissed his cheek as he attempted to find his bearings.

“There’s more to come, love,” he said, slightly out of breath. You groaned as he pulled you into another embrace.

Every year, you gave vocal protestations about him going out of his way to celebrate your birthday, but you secretly loved the fuss he made. It wasn’t the gifts or the attention, but the time Brian obviously put into it and his willingness to make you feel special.

Behind you, you heard a few girls chattering shrilly among themselves. Turning around, you saw some classmates from literature whispering to each other, looking up at you and Brian periodically. Your face heated and you pushed his arms off of you. Normally you wouldn’t mind that he was being affectionate, but you didn’t want anyone at school getting the wrong ideas. You wanted them to know as little as possible about you.

Brian frowned when he noticed your embarrassment.

“We should go,” you muttered.

He nodded, picked up his guitar, and draped his arm around your shoulder. You shrugged him off as you walked away from the school. The girls laughed.

* * *

The afternoon passed calmly, the pair of you sitting in your garden, which was thriving in bloom. You loved the smell of springtime, and loved even more that your mother wasn’t barging into these private moments with Brian.

Looking over at him enjoying one of the sandwiches you made together, you felt immense appreciation for your best friend. You studied the serenity in his smile, his eyes twinkling as he sat quietly, with an appearance of having a conversation with himself. His nose crinkled in thought, lost in the moment. And you were lost just observing him.

The focus was shattered as your mother opened the door and peered out at you. You and Brian, startled, looked up at her with surprise. She smiled at the sight.

“Would you kids come in for a moment?”

Shuffling, the pair of you got up and entered the house, following your mother into the living room where your father was waiting by the coffee table. On it, there was a single box wrapped in pastel blue paper and accented with a silver bow. Your mother joined you father and snaked one of her arms around his waist, and he pulled her closer as she put her other hand on his chest. They look so in love.

“Happy birthday, darling!” Your father extended his open arm out to the side. You walked over to them and kissed each of them on the cheek.

“Thank you.”

“You haven’t even opened it yet,” your mother chirped.

You let out a gentle chuckle, humoring her.

Bending down, you lifted the box into your arms. Carefully, you removed the ribbon and tore the wrapping to reveal a brand new camera. You practically squealed then looked at it in joy, unable to say anything. Your parents beamed, and Brian was entranced by your expression.

“Thank you!” Your enthusiasm in the phrase much higher this time. They all laughed.

* * *

“Strike a pose, darling!”

Bashful, Brian crossed his arms, attempting to look cool. It didn’t work, your silliness forced a smile to break across his slender face.

“Beautiful, Mr. May!”

Your photoshoot was taking place on the stairs outside of the municipal library, people would stop to look at the two teenagers laughing at each other. Brian looked a bit uneasy, blushing.

You didn’t mind the passersby, but you thought maybe Brian’s timidity was because of the spectators. He didn’t notice them, his eyes never left you.

He just couldn’t get over you calling him beautiful.

Setting your camera down cautiously, you sat on the bottom step and picked up the guitar Brian brought with him. You couldn’t really play, perhaps a few chords that you had seen him do.

He came down the stairs and dropped next to you, watching your fingers move clumsily from C to F chords repeatedly in good humor. You smiled at him as he bobbed his head to the beat you were forming, singing nonsense syllables as if it were a well-known song, slightly wincing each time your F chord buzzed. Fuck barre chords.

As if he could hear what you were thinking, Brian snorted as he gently took the guitar out of your hands. You gave him a look to show you were pleased and began to clap your hands like his own personal fan girl. He blushed again.

“Haha, thank you, dear devoted fans,” Brian said sarcastically. “I’d like to dedicate this one to the birthday girl sitting beside me.” He grinned and you reciprocated.

“Birthday woman.” You playfully corrected him.

“’M sorry I didn’t really get you anything this year,” he spoke quietly, shifting his gaze down to his right hand as it got in strumming position.

“Don’t apologize, Bri. You spoil me rotten every other day of the year.” You lightly tapped then stroked his arm, smiling with comfort in your eyes. When he met them, Brian swore he could’ve gotten lost in them forever.

“You could never be rotten,” he replied. Once hearing what he said, Brian grimaced at the corniness in his words, hanging his head. It only made your smile widen.

“Oh, you’re so sweet,” you said, poking fun. You paused to ponder for a moment. “You’re like some kind of cheese.”

“Like what?!”

“Y’know, like sometimes you get cheesy when you’re being sweet. So, you’re a cheese.” Your explanation only made poor Brian more confused, but he loved it nonetheless. It was a unique compliment, one that you deemed him worthy of.

You laughed as you put your head in the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent without meaning to. Earthy. Kind of like sage. It was comforting. You felt yourself zoning out more deeply and knew you had to rein back in. You didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable by overstaying the moment, so you lifted your head up to meet his eyes.

“If you’re going to play something, you’d better perform it! It’s my birthday, and I want to be dazzled.”

Brian sighed, but he couldn’t contain his happiness. Being there with you in such a close proximity, despite the public setting, made him feel you were the only two people in the world.

“I have been working on something for you,” he murmured, shying away.

You used your index finger to turn his head back to facing you, encouraging him.

“You should play it from that pedestal,” you motioned to the center of the stairs, where a little pillar shaped piece (that wasn’t supporting anything) was located.

“Don’t have my strap.”

“Then play sitting down,” you suggested.

Brian obliged, getting up from the base of the series of steps and moving to the pedestal, folding his legs in front of him to support the guitar. You stood up to face him.

Softly clearing his throat, Brian shot you a nervous smile. You nodded, reinforcing your encouragement. Suddenly you gasped, and he looked at you with concern. You walked over to grab your camera and returned to your position in front of him. He couldn’t help but flash a toothy smile, which you captured with a snap shot.

He began to pick and strum.

When you recognized the song, you almost teared up, but you hid it behind your new camera as you leaned in for another shot.

Brian May was serenading you with “My Girl”.

--1973--

Stella’s rendition had ended long ago during your fog, but her turning off the car took you out of it. She smirked at your jumpiness. “We’re here, babe.”

You stared up at her, not fully comprehending what she had said. She could tell.

“Arrived.” She pointed to the building before you.

Your mouth formed into an exaggerated O, then you opened your door.

“Thank god.” It was good to be home.

Stella shook her head playfully and unlocked the trunk.

“I’ve got it,” you started to move towards it. She dismissed you with her hand.

“Nah, I can handle it.” Stella flexed her very toned bicep, causing you to chortle into your hand. You missed her.

“I guess it’s good I kept the key,” you said, referring to Brian’s business, and thus his absence. She didn’t respond, but you didn’t notice. Your breath was taken away as you studied the apartment complex. It was the same old shabby building you had left, but somehow it was a sight for sore eyes. Perhaps it was the implication that you were back for good. Or perhaps it was a certain resident you’d grown quite fond of. Who’s to say?

“Shall we?” Stella spoke warmly, holding out her hand. You took it and she squeezed.

“We shall.”

You breathed deeply together as you approached the door.

The hallway was just as narrow as you remembered, but the wood had been covered up by some atrocious yellow carpeting. It smelled the same, and the walls were still peeling the same watery paint color. The stairwell seemed more steep and compact than you thought, but each step you took got you closer to your place. Your room. Your best friend. It was more emotional to return home than it was to leave Finland.

You were beside yourself, hands slightly shaking as you raised your keys to the lock. For once, it didn’t jam and you were let into the apartment with minimal struggle.

The living room looked close to spotless, and you knew Brian must’ve driven himself insane with that much cleaning.

But it was for you. It was all for you.

You just didn’t think of it that way; it was a kind gesture to you.

It was a small confession of love to him.

Tossing your purse and keys onto the counter, you told Stella she could put the bag in your room. She set it down and insisted you do it, rubbing her shoulder. You knew she wasn’t actually in pain, but you also felt bad that you let carry it thus far, so you slung it over your shoulder, shifting your body back a little more than you would care to admit.

You opened the door, and were struck with awe. It was like you never left, except the small bouquet of flowers set on top of a new quilt. You picked up the posy and its accompanying note.

Sorry I couldn’t pick you up. -Bri.

You smiled. He was always so thoughtful.

Setting down the flowers and kicking your shoes off, you removed the light jacket you had on. You weren’t cold, you wanted to keep the germs of airports off of you as best you could. Of course, a shower was still needed, but the urge wasn’t as immediate as it could’ve been.

“Would you like some tea, Elle?” You called to your friend behind the door. She didn’t respond.

“Elle?”

When no reply came the second time, you let out a small huff and opened out into the hallway.

You shuffled down to the living room, and once you turned the corner, a small group of people were awaiting you. Unexpecting this, you let out a quick scream but it didn’t last long as you were enveloped into a hug by Freddie.

“Welcome home, darling,” he cheered as the others around you laughed and clapped. He kissed you on the cheek, and you returned the affection.

This was followed by Roger practically tackling you and rocking back and forth, and John wrapping his arms around you with firm gentleness, placing a tentative peck on your cheek as he pulled away.

“Missed you, boys,” you beamed. It had been too long since you saw them, and while your comment had been sincere, you were distracted. Your eyes searched the space for your best friend, desperate to hold him.

As they chimed in with their various responses, you felt a tap on your shoulder. You spun around, and Brian grinned down on you, quickly locking you in an embrace. Despite the nearly suffocating grip he had on you, being in his arms again felt like a breath of fresh air. Neither of you wanted it to end, so you stood holding onto each other for what seemed like too little time, but was more than enough for everyone else to watch. Freddie coughed gently, and you got the hint. This caused you and Brian to break apart.

“Oh god, I missed you,” you sighed contentedly.

“I missed you too, love.”

Another fleeting moment passed as you admired each other’s familiar features. It was like the last five years of distance never happened.

Stella laughed, interrupting the moment, as Roger came from the kitchen grasping a bottle of champagne. You turned to see the source of the commotion, and grinned at their peaceful interaction. Freddie followed in suit holding several champagne flutes, three in each hand, and passed them to everyone.

“I’d like to raise a toast,” Roger exclaimed as he poured the last drink, his own. “To Y/N, our very own nursing extraordinaire. The hospital is lucky to have you, but we are the luckiest.”

“Hear, hear!” Freddie loved toasts, and made sure to clink his cup with everyone’s in the spirit of things.

As the glasses were lifted, Brian snaked his arm around you, and you all sipped with joy. You looked up at Brian, knowing the night was only getting started, and though you had been exhausted by travel, you felt a new surge of energy in his presence.

_______________

July 13

You were rudely awoken by the shrill buzzing of your alarm clock, at which you groaned. You hadn’t started work yet, since you came back early, so this alarm was self-imposed. The night before, Brian suggested that the two of you go to breakfast before the day got hectic. Since neither of you were exactly morning people, you decided it best to aim for brunch instead.

Shaking yourself from the grogginess you felt, you got out of bed and changed into a bathrobe. It was only 10 o’clock, so you had no rush.

Walking to the bathroom, you noticed the door was closed but you didn’t hear the water running, so you assumed Brian closed it after he had gotten ready for bed. It didn’t occur to you that he was already finished and was just coming out of the bathroom at that precise moment. You opened the door and instantly wished that it had occurred to you. He looked up at you in surprise as he let out an “Oi!” as you slapped your hand over your eyes. He laughed hoarsely, his voice still rough from sleep.

“Ah, ’s alright, Y/N. I’m decent.”

You removed your hand and involuntarily looked down his wet, bare torso with your eyes landing on the small white towel wrapped around his slim hips. You blushed, snapping your eyes back to his face, hoping he hadn’t seen your accidental ogling.

Brian saw it and felt embarrassed, even though he knew you’d seen him like this before, not wanting you to feel bad. Especially since he didn’t mind the way you looked so hypnotized by the sight of him. He just wished it had been a better moment, one where he wasn’t quite as exposed. Or maybe more so. He shook his head to rid himself of that thought. He didn’t want to cause more awkwardness with any sudden...uprising.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” you started but didn’t quite know where it was going, so you ceased speaking. You gulped.

“Don’t worry about it, love.” Brian smiled, trying to make light of the situation. He moved by you, allowing you access to the bathroom.

“I didn’t mean to look at you,” you said in a barely perceptible whisper.

He pretended he didn’t hear you, wanting the moment to pass. As he walked through his door, he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and smiled at the thought of you admiring him.

You didn’t see that, as you had shut your eyes with the pain of embarrassment you were feeling once you stepped into the bathroom. Stupidstupidstupid.

* * *

“Ready?” Brian called from the kitchen.

“Just a minute!” You responded, trying to find your left shoe. Picking up every article of clothing strewn on the floor, you finally found it hidden underneath your sweatpants. After slipping it on, you stepped out into the hallway. “Okay.”

Brian jingled his keys as you approached him.

When you looked at him, you felt another wave of shame rise up inside you, but you tried to not let your face betray you. It did, but Brian graciously did not acknowledge it.

You walked out of the apartment and rushed down the staircase, leaving you both a little more winded than you should have been.

He opened your door for you with a smile and closed it gently once you were seated, then jogged over to his own side. After putting his car in reverse to back out, he sped into the street, something unusual for the most stringent driver you knew.

“Everything alright?” You asked.

Brian briefly turned his head to look at you, “Yeah.” He returned his eyes to the road.

You reached for the radio but he beat you to it, turning it up and tuning in to the station he desired.

“Did I do something?” Is he upset about earlier?

“No, never. ’M only a little nervous for today.”

Of course. You were sure that the awkward moment between you was not the most important thing on his mind. He’s releasing a record, for god’s sake.

You put your hand on his leg and brushed your thumb against it, meant to soothe. It only seemed to set him more on edge. He wasn’t used to you touching him like that, and the intimate gesture made him more nervous. You thought it was because he didn’t like it.

Au contraire.

“I am certain ’t will be a success.”

“Oh,” he frowned, understanding your train of thought. “I meant the release party.”

That makes more sense.

“Well, I’m sure that will be a success too!” You gave a small, breathy laugh.

“It’s not the crowds that bother me, ’s rather the strangers who just won’t get out of your face with their questions that really get me flustered.” His voice lowered in volume. “Especially the girls.”

Finally, you felt you understood Brian’s jitters.

He refused to move his focus from the road and shifted his right leg, keeping his left in place.

You realized you hadn’t moved your hand. You pulled it away with a jolt. He almost released a whine from the loss of you.

“There’s nothing to be nervous about, Bri. You’re beautiful.”

That was not what he meant. He wanted to correct you, tell you he didn’t want that. Not tonight. Not when you would be there.

“You can get any woman you want.” You had no idea the stress your words were putting him under. He was near bursting, choking down what he had to say.

Though it had been years since you moved away, Brian carried that flame in him. That’s not to say that he hadn’t been with girls in the past five years, but they weren’t you. They never compared to you.

“And if you don’t,” you smiled, reaching for the hand on his lap, “you always have me.”

God, how he wanted to have you.

“Well, I’d hope so,” he managed to say. “Can’t be losing my best girl.”

The next few minutes of the drive to Beat-Nick’s were more light-hearted. You joked about Roger’s ridiculously patterned trousers and Freddie’s suggestion of a pre-release party that everyone else vetoed. Brian’s laugh sweet music to your ears. You missed times like this.

Before you knew it, the car was parked a little way down the block from the cafe.

A warm summer breeze swam through the air and passed you as you walked, rustling through your hair. Brian’s curls were jostled, but you could hardly tell. His hair looked magnificent in the wind. You had to resist the urge to touch it.

“After you,” he spoke softly, gesturing through the door.

You smiled and stepped through.

The cafe looked as though nothing had changed. The furniture was arranged in the same layout, the lights still twinkled with warmth. It was wonderful.

You flopped down on one of the paisley-covered couches and Brian joined you. Both of you sat unmoving for a moment, enjoying the space. It wasn’t very busy, but the atmosphere still bustled with summertime joy.

Brian struggled to get up, and as you began to rise, he gently pushed you back into the seat.

“I’ll get it.”

You hated it when he insisted on paying, but you knew it wasn’t a fight you would win today.

Within two minutes, he was back in his spot next to you.

“I’m sorry,” you said.

He looked at you with bewilderment.

“About this morning.”

“Oh, that...”

“I didn’t realize you would be in there, half naked-”

You cut yourself short as a waitress came to your seating area and set the tray of drinks down in front of the couch. Her eyes widened upon accidentally hearing the conversation, and you looked at her apologetically before thanking her for bringing the beverages to you. She nodded, and walked away without a word.

“Don’t worry about it, Y/N. ’S already forgotten.”

Brian didn’t think he could forget it. The way you studied him. It made him feel good. It made him feel beautiful. He had never believed you when you said it before.

You gave him a grateful grin as you took a sip from your tea.

Even though it was summer, you got the standard lavender chamomile brew. Warm tea would always be superior in your mind, and you appreciated that Brian knew that without you needing to say so.

“I suppose the boys are excited for this evening?”

“Well, Fred and Roger more so than Deaky.”

“Poor John, always hated the large party scene. And now, he’s gotta be in the center of it.”

Brian took a drink of the fruit smoothie he ordered. “He’ll be fine, just give him a couple beers and he’ll be dancing like no one’s watching.”

“Or like he’s playing and everyone’s watching.” You smirked. You loved watching John onstage. He was entertaining.

Brian was mesmerizing.

“Fair point.”

* * *

“What about this one?”

You twirled around in front of Brian in a knee-length, flowy dress. The rosy color complemented your skin quite nicely, and accentuated your curves well without being immodest.

“There’s a small-” He flitted his finger midair. You weren’t understanding until you looked to where he was focused. A tear.

“Christ! This is one of my favorites,” you huffed. “Might as well wear a garbage bag if none of them are going to work.”

“I’m sure there’s something,” Brian said kindly.

He’s being very patient.

“Be my guest,” you motioned to your closet.

He moved towards it in two bounds and began to gingerly sift through your clothes. He felt a sense of shame as he rifled through them, smelling your scent embedded in the fibers. Finally, Brian found a black dress. His favorite.

He offered it to you and you took it, shooing him out of the way so you could change.

“Don’t leave, ’m going to need your help zipping it.”

He breathed shallowly, averting his eyes so as not to invade your privacy. He didn’t want to be creepy.

As you pulled up the tighter bodice, you took off your bra, knowing there was no way it would work if you wore it. You flung it over your shoulder, not thinking. It landed next to Brian, who was perched on the far side of your bed. He jumped up out of shock, which startled you. You turned around (fully covered) in worry. Upon noticing what happened, you began to laugh.

“What’s so funny?”

“Does the bra scare you, Brian?”

“No! I just, I wasn’t expecting it. Came out of nowhere!”

“Well, not nowhere,” you giggled. “Now, will you zip me up?”

He lightly approached you and guided the zipper up the curve of your back, the fabric hugging your figure perfectly. Once the task was completed, he plunged back onto the mattress. You gave him another twirl, ending in a curtsy and another laugh.

Brian was breathless.

“I guess we have a winner.”

[wolf-skins]

millennial joel headcanons feat @fabulouslittlefox, part one:

wolf-skins sent a post other notable kid!mill... also this

fabulouslittlefox: GOD THANK YOU

wolf-skins you're welcome

fabulouslittlefox u think he listened to everybody by the backstreet boys? I'm feeling it....for some reason lmao

wolf-skins uh ofc he probably wanted to be in a boy band before he wanted to be just a singer

fabulouslittlefox CHRIST but did he have an emo phase ? for him I guess it'd be southern gothic 😂 (not really but I saw the opportunity and ran w it lmao)

wolf-skins lmaooo can u imagine a lil texan boy running around with thick black eyeliner and all-black clothes? i feel his emo phase would be more subtle if there was one

fabulouslittlefox YES he does acoustic covers of emo songs

wolf-skins yes

fabulouslittlefox also I bet that bitch was into rage comics

wolf-skins wears his hat low over his face while he does so + yes. yes he was so into the era of meme that* he thought that soulja boy era was annoying though

fabulouslittlefox god I wanna see fuckin Joel cover fuckin what a catch donnie on his goddamn guitar in a cowboy hat as he rides off into the sunset LMAO same

wolf-skins god yes i wanna see it too

fabulouslittlefox or fucking Evanescence God

wolf-skins YES YES OH MYGOD my immortal going under

fabulouslittlefox KGKSKFLXKSGKZMVMD fuckign Bring me to life

wolf-skins SOPT he probably went all for it in his covers like got SO into it

fabulouslittlefox I'm crying because I can see this happening

wolf-skins i know i know same do u think he put it up on youtube i kinda feel like he'd be a cover youtuber with a couple hundred subscribers

fabulouslittlefox um I think the fuck YES

wolf-skins just like a lowkey youtube cowboy singing cover songs passionately and dramatically

fabulouslittlefox please god that's all I want OK OK WHAT IF Tommy found his channel and saved all the videos and somehow got them to play off either like CDs or a USB drive (bc his town has electricity) and fucijgbshowed ellie

wolf-skins PLEASEUFKCING PLEASE joel was so grumpy about it he still wouldn't sing for her irl for the LONGEST time

fabulouslittlefox LMAO FKSKFOZKCNZ Joel disowns Tommy for a month bc of that

wolf-skins yes ellie would show the whole town until joel snatched whatever it was and broke it so Extra

fabulouslittlefox YES MCKSKCKS jokes on Joel tho bc Tommy has duplicates of everything

wolf-skins IUFGWOHI

fabulouslittlefox and the other one is locked up safe Until Joel is fast asleep then everyone Sees

wolf-skins yes good  joel just pouts over this for the rest of time too

fabulouslittlefox LMAO GOOD

wolf-skins ellie would start making texan accent mock jokes

fabulouslittlefoxwhen Ellie start learning guitar 🐚 start to play a song that Joel covered and mock his singing

wolf-skins if that sentence made sense

fabulouslittlefox MFKSKGOZKCKS

wolf-skins YES like that

fabulouslittlefox WHY IS THERE A SHELL IM

wolf-skins fucking mobile do u think

fabulouslittlefox Joel sings that song from SpongeBob that Sandy sings about missing texas

wolf-skins joel would be that tourist who got a conch shell + oh my god

fabulouslittlefox HE WOUDL THE MAGIC CONCH

wolf-skins when sarah found it as a really young child and pretended to be ariel he would act out as sebastian while she had a stuffed flounder and she'd hang up the "shell" on him

fabulouslittlefox oh my god plea s e,,,,,,,,

wolf-skins he sang this for her:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GC_mV1IpjWA he'd try to mimic it but he could never get rid of the accent

fabulouslittlefox I literally cannot top this this is officially the cutest headcanon

wolf-skins i know

fabulouslittlefox and it hurts THAT MUCH MORE

wolf-skins I KNOW

fabulouslittlefox REEEEEEEEEEEEEEE u killed me liz

wolf-skins oh my god i'm gonna cry over sarah all over again her friggin card and her jokes she's so pure

fabulouslittlefox DONT CRYYYY I love Sarah sm my daughter whomst I only knew for like 5 minutes

wolf-skins ok but what song do u think was the first he finally sang for ellie irl (not like the videos which were Not to be Mentioned in exchange for it) + god i know

fabulouslittlefox hmmm hmmm would this include songs he taught her to play I'm guessing?

wolf-skins probably a cute lil acoustic song for ells

fabulouslittlefox YOU AR E MY SUNSHIN E THE FIRST ONS

wolf-skins NO YOURE KILLING ME

fabulouslittlefox YES

wolf-skins IM GOING TO CYR

fabulouslittlefox I KILLED MYSELF WITH THAT

wolf-skins i can already hear ellie singing it

fabulouslittlefox I KNWO HHHHHHHHH

wolf-skins ok but

fabulouslittlefox I have ANOTHER song that she would absolutely know/learn

wolf-skins what if one of them sang it to the other when the one was Really Hurt to make them feel better or something

fabulouslittlefox STOP IT LIZ IMAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

wolf-skins and like if that theory that joel is dead in tlou 2 and she sang it when he died

fabulouslittlefox stop it but also keep going bc I love pain

wolf-skins why do i do this to myself

fabulouslittlefox FUCKFFFFFFFFFFHHHHHHHH I hope yr ready to catch these tears bih

wolf-skins he's all coughing up blood or something and she just holds his hand and sings it and begs that he stays bc she still won't let him go deliver them to me

fabulouslittlefox 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫IM WEW LADS IM DYIN TONITE

wolf-skins you know how i feel about hallucination!dads too so trust me i know if that is what happens in the next game i will Fucking Die ok next headcanon tho

fabulouslittlefox more music hcs ?

wolf-skins shore that's like sure but not

fabulouslittlefox LOL Goes well with my shell from earlier

wolf-skins exactly

fabulouslittlefox I can't remember if I've shared this b4 but the one hc I'll cling to forever is that Ellie learns on her own or is taught by joel landslide by Fleetwood Mac and that it's really relevant to her idk why I just love it sm

wolf-skins holy fucking shit um i always think of them or one of them playing that song so it's fucking canon imo also joel made this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47ZSX7eMGU0

fabulouslittlefox GOOD IM SO GLAD IM NOT ALONE W THSI fabulouslittlefox sent an audio post I Won... also THIS just came up on my dash and I feel it'd fit them too JOEL DID MAKE THAT CKSKGKSKC

wolf-skins JOHNNY CASH yeah i feel it joel probably was a huge cash fan

fabulouslittlefox PROLLY hes a huge cash fan but agrees that the NIN version of hurt is better

wolf-skins he probably loved playing Man Comes Around

fabulouslittlefox Dude I feel it

wolf-skins ok so jaz and i discussed he loved war docs but what other movies or shows do u think he would've loved

fabulouslittlefox Also I feel like he'd do a southern gothic cover of while my guitar gently weeps hmm

wolf-skins undoubtedly

fabulouslittlefox moonrise kingdom I feel he enjoyed that

wolf-skins ok what is that ok it's got bruce willis and u know what

fabulouslittlefox a Wes Anderson film about a troubled kid who goes to camp and runs away to find his love

wolf-skins joel would've loved bruce willis

fabulouslittlefox YEHA

wolf-skins do u think the taken movies were relatable to joel

fabulouslittlefox zoinks yes

wolf-skins he sure as fuck is like that in game

fabulouslittlefox speaking of zoinks I bet the fucker loved Scooby Doo RIGHT

wolf-skins "GIVE ME BACK MY DAUGHTER" yells Joel an incorrect quote that is correct + yes he fucking did the classics

fabulouslittlefox watched the fuck outta boomerang and the old cartoons

wolf-skins https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2u0-11E6x14 joel

fabulouslittlefox IM GONAB PISS OMVLEXKAKCKSN CANON

wolf-skins RIGHT ok i'm gonna copy this as a part one to put in my tag