#john only wanted to save him but mikoto is scared out of his mind of john

[blitz0hno]

Nowhere to be Found - How MeMe emphasizes the Tragedy of Mikoto Kayano

Some thoughts about Mikoto's position as the host of his system and what that means for "his" life.

Mikoto is the host of his system, with severe enough amnesia that he doesn't understand what's happening when he dissociates, or that he even does so. Shots like this in MeMe, where he thinks he is staring at a reflection that moves on its own, while the audience is shown that HE'S the one stuck in the mirror, shows his feelings of losing control.

He IS the reflection. "Mikoto" is who the outside world sees/knows as "him." Since the norm is to be a singlet, the expectation would be for him to have consistent mannerisms and personality. Milgram shows is time and again that Mikoto himself is borderline toxically-positive about his situation in life. His addictions, his exhaustion, and the incredible workload he deals with are "just part of life" as a working adult. Working Adult is his structure, his identity, what he clings to. Professional, polite and always listening/reading the room. This is what he believes will help him achieve his dream.

However, since he has alters, he's not always ABLE to act like that. If he doesn't forget the other alters' actions entirely, he'll feel regret and confusion as to why he didn't present himself like that. And since he has no idea he's a system or how switching works, he's stuck not even knowing how others see him.

He, as the "Mikoto" he wishes to present to the world, disappears without even knowing it.

MeMe, however, gives both the audience and Mikoto himself his true perspective on things. How he knows he's stuck "inside" his mind, but has no clue why.

"I'm nowhere to be found," he says. His idea of "this is 'me,' This is what 'I'm' like and what 'I' like to do" is crumbling completely, as shown by the broken down walls surrounding him. This screenshot shows Mikoto staring down at his cards, about to flip them over; they are literally staring back at him, all laid on the table. This is right before the shot goes red, which I believe symbolizes both his realization at how dire the situation is, and his own self-hating perception growing stronger.

When he says the next few lines, I don't think he's just talking to Es or about Milgram.

I think he's begging his alters to put him back out. Even if he doesn't know it, it's not JUST his life, but the brain can't just accept that. It's dangerous to "just" accept that.

And it's HIS life, right? He knows what he wanted to achieve: his dreams of peace and security.

"I will NEVER forgive you if this is happening to me even though I'm right." He knows what to do, he doesn't need help; why has he been pushed away? How could his memory be wrong if it's the only stream of memories he knows? He holds up the fool card and smiles so wide, because he thinks he is sure of the path he's on. Or at least, he thought so; the stress of it not being that way gets to him more and more and the final chorus progresses.

I believe "please let me out of here" refers more to the innerworld than to Milgram, although it almost definitely refers to both. When you switch to the degree Mikoto does, and lose time, and can't understand why you can't just do what YOU want, things can feel very desperate. As he flips over his cards, the truth begins to come together. When I first saw this in 2021, I figured Mikoto was smiling because deep down he DOES know what he did, but now that we know more about him it's almost definitely caused by the stress of NOT knowing. He laughs and smiles when he's stressed; Es states that in trial 2.

He truly believes that if he keeps up this literal Front, things will turn out okay. He has no idea how much stress and exhaustion is being "taken care of" for him. That tragedy being he still feels each traumatic thing he goes through and feels the aftershocks, but can't actually say there's a problem because the problem literally feels like it's not a big deal. Since John and likely another alter holds the feelings and memories associated with his pain, Mikoto is able to shoulder the rest and carry on.

As John gets closer to front in these final scenes of MeMe, Mikoto begs HIM (essentially pleading with himself, aka his own fragmented ego state), to make things make sense again.

"please tell me it's a mistake, that it's a lie." As John switches in (shown by the red in his eyes and change of expression), the frantic lyrics highlight how scared of the truth Mikoto really is. Milgram shows us the things he has had in his mind for a good while now. He can't forgive himself if he truly "lost control" like he did.

"I'll forgive you if you tell me now," revealing the death card.

In tarot, death means highly significant change, usually having to do with self-perception and shifting circumstances. Discovering you're a system, as Mikoto is slowly piecing together, is a life-shattering change. It recontextualizes everything you know about what you remember and who you are as a person. Mikoto's frantic distress draws John closer, and in the end, the extraction process is ended by John himself.

John grabs the camera and punches it, ending the MV. Unlike Mikoto, who smiles directly into it at the start of the video, John has his usual flat expression. The main priority here is to get rid of what's causing Mikoto this stress, and to make him forget. This takes away Mikoto's agency and perception of what's around him, leaving him at the mercy of his alternate ego states, and the amnesia walls separating them. That idea in and of itself is terrifying to anyone, which is why DID is sadly the subject of many "horror" genre stories. "Becoming someone else" than who you thought you were turns out to be more nuanced the more you learn about it, but general society's idea of "self" hasn't gotten that far yet.

I also believe this is why Double has so much of John's perspective; the memory extraction machine poses the same threat any other method of revealing memories would. John must "protect" Mikoto from that by explaining his role, over and over begging to be acknowledged by someone who isn't "supposed" to know he exists. For a young man like Mikoto, who has until Milgram spent his life grinding and planning for something better, the revelation of this disorder and the pain he's truly in throws a BIG wrench in his life plans. Mikoto denies John and runs from him, although by now he truly knows he's not "normal" and certainly not healthy. Society sees that and expects that of him though, and so Mikoto HAS to keep pretending, in order to just be "him." To be "professional," "graceful," "popular," etc. is highly rewarded in the capitalist system, and that means killing the parts of oneself that are deemed "bad."

But "hurting it, holding it down, it doesn't change a thing, does it? It's the same anywhere I go. It's like what's wrong ISN'T wrong." Mikoto's lines here, further back in the song, show that even though he denies these parts of himself, his trauma inevitably seeps in, and his own perception of the world slips away in favor of the next fronting alter.

When John says "I think he's trying to disappear" in trial 2's voice drama, I believe it's because Mikoto knows to a degree that his "bad dream" was real. He knows that everything he did and built "doesn't matter" now that he's in Milgram. Might as well let the part of his brain that doesn't care what others think run the show in a place where everyone knows he's "violent."

It's not fair to Mikoto, or to John, or to our favorite mystery character Mido because Mido is implied to at least somewhat know what's happening. Maybe not in an "I'm an alter in a DID system" kinda of way, but in a "I know I have pretty bad amnesia and feel a strong desire to Not Be Myself right now" way (as shown when he's sitting on the couch after cleaning up their body, near the first chorus).

Mikoto, being the host, CANNOT even begin to suspect having DID if he's going to be a working man. But as John pointed out, no matter how much Mikoto pushes down and denies the stress, it would eventually catch up to him. And it did.

Yet he still forgets too much to understand what happened when he snapped. He still has very little idea about his disorder, and his brain will keep up that denial as long as it possibly can. When the truth of his crime comes fully into light, we'll probably see a complete crisis. Mikoto could very well disappear for awhile in trial 3 because of this. Some things, whether he likes it or not, are better processed internally. However, processing via forgetting will never completely heal that kind of wound. It becomes a cycle, and until those memories are accepted as part of him, Mikoto will never feel whole.

And this entire time, Mikoto thought his identity as a working man with a family to support was all he could should and would be; but now, he has no idea what kind of person he is at all. It's going to eat him alive. Can John save him from that? Guess we'll find out.