#joel couldn’t give less of a shit about saving the world when there is a very real threat of another dead little girl in his arms

[kazieka]

screams and wails and sobs on the moors like a Victorian ghost maiden but it’s just bc i thought about joel miller for too long and made myself sad

[eury--dice]

Ok but literally what do you do when you’re Joel and being marched out of the hospital, knowing that the key to saving the world is behind you, knowing that the only reason for your existence is about to be snuffed out. You let them shove you outside, leave you on the highway, say a prayer for the first time in twenty years that those doctors are right and this gaping chasm of grief is for something. You try not to think about the cordyceps being pulled from her head, the pain tearing through her gray matter as her very being is unwound. You find a gun and go to do what you couldn’t on Day 2, or maybe you clutch that blade in your hand and let her finish you as she saves the rest of the world. You’ll never know; the world, you see, is gone. There’s a reason you failed in 2003 and it’s the same reason you don’t in 2023, and that reason is—

Or you lay carnage upon carnage and only falter as soon as you see her spread out on the operating table in front of you, anesthetized, by all appearances gone from you already. The doctors and nurses cower behind you, drawn to her not as protectors to a charge but as zealots to an overdue prophet. And what do you do then, when the last thing she’s asked of you is to finish what you started, what no one made you do but some cruel, twisted form of fate - or maybe that love you never quite learned to kill? She’s fourteen, she’s Joan of Arc, she’s tied to the stake. Maybe you fade into the doctors, let her unknowing sacrifice dictate her fate—

Or you wake her up. You hold them all at gunpoint and you wake her up and you explain it as a parent explains the ugliest parts of the world to their child; gently, unerringly, with an unspoken plea not to hate them for letting them exist in a universe so cruel, so banal. And you get her fresh clothes, and you force her to eat, and she turns her eyes to you and says what you know she’ll say, all fact and no fight. She’s fourteen with a savior complex and the inimitable bearing of a messiah. She’s fourteen, and the cordyceps nestled behind her eyes don’t change that. This, surely, is the worst fate: that she wants the one thing you can never grant her, a peace of mind that will be your own undoing. But how can you deny so direct a request—

Oh, but you do. You don’t let her ask you outright; you don’t let it get that close. You kill and you kill and you damn humanity and you’re a shit liar when you try to pretend otherwise. When she finally asks you outright, you don’t tell her. This has always been out of your hands. If you say it, she’ll curse you, probably. Run off to correct the selfish choices you made, still a baby lying prone on the floorboards, a flame-brushed martyr no one will look in the eye. She still thinks there is world that is worth saving. And she may be right; there may be thousands of Sarahs, of Ellies, of Joels forging a war path to keep them alive. But she will never know that they don’t matter, that they will never matter as much as she does. No, no matter how you explain, no matter how you beg, she’ll never let herself believe it. You know that she shouldn’t sacrifice herself for humanity, not when there is no humanity without her. Those other choices weren’t choices at all; they were long-destroyed paths for a different type of story, a more bastardized love, less total and true. It’s her job to believe the world is important, that her and life have a symbiotic chokehold on each other’s reign. And it’s always been your job to make sure she never gives herself to something as undeserving as the rest of the world.

[splendidlyimperfect]

Gray hasn’t seen Natsu in years - not since he moved away with his boyfriend Joel and Natsu stopped texting him. A chance run-in at a bar brings Natsu back into Gray’s life, but the encounter puts Gray in danger when Joel finds out. Natsu quickly realizes that Gray’s stuck in a cycle of violence, and wants to help him escape. But leaving isn’t that easy, and sometimes loving someone might not be enough.

Chapter Summary: Gray is torn between staying and leaving, and Joel's not making it easy.

Chapters (17/22):  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster, Gray Fullbuster/Original Male Character(s) Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rape Aftermath, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Natsu just wants to help, but Gray feels like he can’t leave, Non-Linear Narrative, Trans Character, Tumblr: FTLGBTales, ftlgbtpride2019, Coming Out, First Love, Angst with a Happy Ending, I promise

**TW for verbal/physical abuse

-----

you young lost sinner

dis· so· nance | \ ˈdi-sə-nən(t)s noun : psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously

.

xvi november

.

When Sting drops Gray off at the jail later that day to pick up Joel, the first words out of Joel’s mouth are, “I’m so, so sorry.”

He pulls Gray into a gentle hug, kissing the top of his head. “I was so worried about you,” he says, “they wouldn’t tell me anything, just that you were at the hospital.” He pulls back and runs a thumb over Gray’s cheek, brushing the hair out of his eyes. Then he sees Gray’s bandaged hand and makes a soft, sad sound.

“I’m sorry,” Joel murmurs again as Gray presses his forehead against Joel’s shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Gray asks softly, wrapping his arms around Joel’s waist and leaning into him. Guilt creeps back into his chest – he’d spent the day sitting on Sting’s living room floor, cuddling with Frosch and Lector and playing Uno with Rogue – having fun while Joel had was worrying about him.

“I’ll live,” Joel says. His jaw and knuckles are bruised, but otherwise he seems okay. “I’m more worried about you – I can’t believe Tyler tried to pull that shit. Who knows what he would’ve done if I hadn’t been there.”

He kisses Gray’s head again, then takes his hand. Gray lets Joel lead him out to the parking lot, keeping his eyes on the ground the whole time.

Continue reading on AO3

They get back to the apartment just before supper and Bella is ecstatic, jumping around them as her nails clack against the hardwood. Gray kneels down and presses his forehead to hers, whispering, “I’m so sorry, girl, you must be starving.”

Bella licks his face, then runs off to the kitchen to sit next to the pantry.

“You didn’t come home?” Joel’s voice is suddenly much less sweet than it had been, and Gray stands up slowly, turning to look at him.

“I didn’t... you had the keys,” Gray says. “And the rental office is closed, it’s the weekend, so I couldn’t get the landlord to let me in.”

Joel studies Gray for a second, then asks, “where did you stay?”

Gray looks down at the floor, picking at the edge of his bandage. The air is charged, suddenly – a downed wire, live sparks.

The kindness never lasts.

“I...”

“Where did you stay?” Joel asks again.

“I didn’t have anywhere else to go,” Gray says as his stomach ties itself into knots. “I was... I didn’t get out of the ER until really late, and I couldn’t get back in the apartment, and—”

“Where?”

“Please,” Gray whispers, wrapping his arms around himself and keeping his eyes on the ground. “I—I stayed at Sting’s, he took me to the hospital ‘cause I needed the stitches and I... there was nowhere else, I didn’t have my wallet or my phone, and—”

“Stop.”

Gray bites back the excuses and closes his eyes, bracing himself for whatever Joel’s going to do. Everything already aches, and Gray’s pretty sure Joel can’t make it worse.

“I told you to stay away from him,” Joel says. He takes a step toward Gray and Gray flinches, backing up against the wall.

“I didn’t have anywhere else to go,” he whispers.

Why can’t I love you ever last?

Joel’s fingers wrap around Gray’s arm, and Gray tenses, squeezing his eyes shut, but the blow never comes. Instead there’s a deep, rough bark, and Gray looks over to see Bella standing in the doorway to the kitchen, giving Joel a cautious look. When he doesn’t move, she barks again.

There’s a terrifying silence, then Joel lets go of Gray’s arm, pushing him back into the wall. “I can’t deal with your shit right now,” he says, sighing and rubbing his face. “You never fucking listen to me.”

Gray’s not sure if apologizing will make it better or worse, so he just stays quiet.

“I’m going to bed,” Joel says. “Don’t bother me. I’ll deal with you tomorrow.” Then he stalks down the hallway to the bedroom and slams the door behind him.

Gray sags back against the wall, then sinks to the floor, dropping his forehead to his knees. Bella comes over to him and presses her nose to his cheek, and he wraps an arm around her neck, whispering, “thank you.”

She whines and lays down beside him, putting a paw on his leg. When he looks down at her, all he can think about is Joel getting angry enough to hurt her.

“I won’t leave you,” Gray says, running his fingers through her fur. “We’ve gotta keep each other safe.”

-----

Joel leaves for work the next day without looking at Gray. As soon as he’s gone, Gray deadbolts the door and runs to the bedroom, digging out his secret phone.

Natsu answers almost immediately. “Hey, you.” He’s in his kitchen, phone propped up on the table while he drinks his coffee. Gray can see the moment that Natsu realizes Gray’s hurt – his eyes widen and his expression turns heartbroken. “Gray, shit, what did he do to you?”

“It wasn’t him,” Gray says quickly, curling up in the pillows at the head of the bed. “Well, not.... there was a bar fight. I’m okay, though.”

“You don’t look okay,” Natsu says. “What happened?”

“Joel, uh... he punched a guy, it’s... they didn’t charge him with anything, just kept him for a bit until he was sober. I stayed with Sting last night.”

Gray can see how badly Natsu wants to ask why Gray didn’t leave, but instead he says, “I’m glad Sting helped you. He’s a good guy.” Gray nods, staring down at his bandaged hand. “Is there anything I can do?” Natsu asks.

Gray looks over nervously at the door, then takes a deep breath and asks, “if I left... could I stay with you?”

“Of course,” Natsu replies immediately. His expression is a mix of hope and tentative relief, and Gray’s not sure how it makes him feel.

“Not... not yet,” Gray says, looking back down at his hands. “I’m not ready, but he... I...”

“It’s okay,” Natsu says gently. “Whatever you need.”

They talk for a bit more about nothing – Natsu's work, the book Gray’s been reading – and Gray feels the tension start to fade. Every time he talks to Natsu, Gray feels a little bit braver, a little bit more certain.

When they finally hang up and Natsu whispers, “I love you,” Gray believes him.

-----

Now that Gray has talked about it with Natsu, making a plan to leave is a tiny bit easier.

He insists on going back to work right away, even though carrying plates hurts his hand like hell. He needs the tips – he starts taking a few dollars each shift and hiding them in the bottom of the duffle bag in his locker. It’s not enough for Joel to notice, and after three weeks, Gray has almost a hundred dollars saved.

One day, Gray manages to make it to the registry to order new copies of his birth certificate and health care card. His face burns with embarrassment when he explains the situation to the woman who’s helping him, but she quickly waives the fees for him and agrees to mail them to Natsu’s house instead of Gray’s home address.

Each little act feels like taking back a piece of himself – like he’s slowly stitching the broken parts of himself into something resembling a whole.

Joel doesn’t make it easy. The evening after their argument about Gray staying at Sting’s, Joel acts like nothing happened, and he doesn’t bring up Sting again. It leaves Gray in an uncomfortable state of uncertainty, and he hates it.

It’s almost easier when Joel’s angry – even when it hurts.

-----

“I’m really proud of you,” Natsu says one day in late November. It’s cold and snowing outside, and Gray is curled up under the blankets in the bedroom, Bella snoring across his legs.

Gray feels his cheeks turn pink and he ducks his head, not looking at Natsu. They’ve been talking every day – sometimes on Skype, sometimes texts that Gray immediately deletes, even on his secret phone. Every time he pulls it out of the drawer, he’s petrified that Joel will find out, but being able to talk to Natsu is worth it.

“Why?” Gray asks, and he knows the answer, but he’s found that hearing Natsu say it out loud makes it easier.

“You’re taking care of yourself,” Natsu says. “Rogue said you looked better last time he saw you.”

Gray had asked Sting to keep his distance from the restaurant after the blowup with Joel, and Sting had reluctantly agreed. But Joel doesn’t know Rogue, so Rogue has been checking in with Gray every once in a while.

Gray sighs, rubbing his face and then looking up at Natsu. “I’m sorry,” he says, pulling his knees up to his chest.

Natsu frowns. “Why?”

“’cause… I…” Gray makes a frustrated sound. “I want to—to go. But I’m not… I can’t…”

“I know,” Natsu says gently. “It’s okay if you’re not ready. I love you no matter what.”

Gray nods, staring at Natsu’s image on the screen. His chest aches – he wants to be there, wants Natsu to hold him and love him and keep the world away from him for a while.

He’s about to say something else when the front door rattles. Gray freezes – Joel’s not supposed to be home for another two hours.

“I gotta go,” he whispers, then quickly shuts the phone and hides it, closing the bedside drawer as quietly as he can. He’s just scrambled out of bed and over to the closet when Joel appears in the doorway.

“Hey, babe,” Joel says, coming into the room and catching Gray around the waist. Gray’s immediately on edge – Joel doesn’t look angry, but sometimes his smile is worse than a scowl.

“Hey,” Gray says, forcing himself to smile. “You’re home early.”

Joel pulls Gray tight against him and kisses his forehead. “I decided to tell work to fuck off for the afternoon,” he says. “I know I’ve been kind of an asshole lately – I’m just so goddamn stressed out with these reports.”

“It’s okay,” Gray says quickly, wrapping his arms around Joel’s waist and ignoring the bubbling disquiet in his stomach. “Can I make it better?”

Joel shakes his head, slipping his fingers in Gray’s belt loops and leaning back. “Nope. This one’s on me – we’re going out for dinner to that place you like.”

Gray feels like he’s standing on the edge of the high-dive, dizzy and terrified and exhilarated all at the same time. Joel looks so sincere and so happy and handsome, and for a minute he reminds Gray of the boy he met all those years ago.

“You make me a better person,” Joel says, brushing Gray’s hair out of his face and giving him a soft, fond look. “You know that, right?”

Gray’s teetering on the edge – uncertainty is pushing him back, but he’s pulled forward by the potential of something better.

“I do?” he asks, searching Joel’s face for a lie and finding nothing but adoration.

“Yeah,” Joel says. “You’re the only one who puts up with my shit, even when I’m being a dick. I don’t deserve you.”

Natsu’s voice echoes through Gray’s mind – no, you don’t – as Gray’s mind wavers between fear and wanting.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Joel says, kissing Gray on the nose. “I love you so much.”

Gray’s eyes flick over to his bedside table for just a second before he pushes away the image of Natsu and says, “I love you too.”

[jijijisun]

been thinking a lot about the shit isaiah wrote about me, and how i want to feel about it. honestly, it disturbed me. not gonna lie.

i talked to a few friends about it - mostly because i felt so exposed. i was like, this man is accusing me of everything i have ever felt insecure about. it’s like all my worst fears - that i’m just stale pussy, dead weight, whatever. and they were all like: just because those are the things you’re insecure about doesn’t mean they’re true. none of us think that’s true, and he’s just trying to hurt you/say the meanest possible thing. he’s not worth being upset over - the best revenge is to be unbothered. 

which is all true. not that i don’t have things to work on, but some of those things - at least a few - i have the inner strength and knowledge and confidence to reject. for example, the first thing about being down with racists was very easy to laugh at and reject bc it was so factually untrue. but even with this one, like, i’m not fat lol. my friends aren’t friends of convenience. in fact, a lot of them have stuck around and been there for me despite the times when i’m very inconvenient/difficult. i live at home to save money and spend time with my family, which i think is a blessing, not a sign of defeat. 

i know that i have more to offer beyond good pussy and despite the way my relationships with jon and joel ended, they never accused me of only offering sex, “just lying there,” or not doing anything with my life. in fact, the opposite. i know that jon respects me even if our relationship ended and we decided to not be friends - and he assured me he would never talk about me with isaiah or anyone, much less laugh about me. joel is my friend, plain and simple. if he just saw me as a vagina, we wouldn’t have that. (and i never “just laid there” for either of them, because they actually made me feel desired, wanted and secure sexually, but who cares - who cares about all of that now?)

and yes, i have things to work on, but getting a life and bringing more to the table is not one of them. i know i have a lot to offer not just a romantic partner, but to anyone and to the world. isaiah just was not the right person for me. i couldn’t give him anything he wanted BUT sex, i guess. and so that’s all he could appreciate me for. 

but i know i contain far more potential and life in me than isaiah understands or cares to know. and it’s not his right or privilege to know, anymore. 

reading attached has made things a lot clearer to me about the reasons my relationships have followed the same patterns. and it’s allowed me to not have so much self loathing, or to blame my previous partners for the way they ended. it was just not a match, so to speak, and our worst tendencies exacerbated each other’s. i resented jon deeply for how he hurt me, but time has allowed that to heal. joel has been honest and kind throughout, and i’m grateful to be friends. isaiah - maybe time could also heal things. but after everything he’s said, i don’t really care to grow in anything towards him other than indifference. 

in fact, i totally hate his guts lol, but in a pretty passive way. like, okay. on sunday you said you still wanted to date me, and now you’re out here calling me a hoe and saying that any dude who wants to spend his time with me is lame. like... alright. i almost wish i had recorded that phone call so everyone could hear how two faced you are. 

but it doesn’t matter. i’m moving on. not looking for dick or a distraction this time. truly trying to move forward in a way that will get me to the places in life i want to be. i never want to date a rebound ever again - because that’s what jon, isaiah and joel all really were - rebounds from the guy who came before. 

and then, being the anxious attachment style that i am, i latched on. and that was my bad. i don’t want to make that mistake again.

aside from isaiah talking trash about me, i’m actually pretty happy. really excited about dancing this summer, excited to go on trips with friends/family, excited to be driven again about taking the gmat and getting my future in order. ready to put in the work at work, and to do really well. happy making time for my friends and remembering that i do have amazing friends who care about me. 

it’s a shocking transition and i know it will take time for me to feel truly secure. i felt so isolated in my relationship, like i had no one else but him. and now that i’m out of it i’m just beginning to understand how many people have my back and care about me. and i’m endlessly grateful for them, and that.

i don’t really know what isaiah is trying to accomplish, other than to hurt me. i don’t know why he would care so much as to try and do that. if you’re happy with your new girl, then go be happy with her. you really don’t need to put me down anymore while you’re at it. 

i know i’ll find someone who is secure in himself, who is unafraid of love, and who i can connect with and be mutually attracted to - physically, emotionally, socially, mentally, spiritually. someone who is full of life and love instead of always making me feel bad about myself. and while i’m excited to meet whoever that is, i’m also excited to see where this new part of my life will take me, as far as being single and invested in my own selfishness goes. 

so yeah... here we go!!!!! :)