#joe we hate you but dang you can pull off a trench coat

[vestracore]

this is me being biased because it's my favorite movie but i've thought for a long time now that hubert would love jack and the cuckoo-clock heart. i feel like the convoluted mess of gothic yearning made worse by metaphorical and literal physical abnormalities and the internal revulsion of being in love but also deeply longing for someone else he cannot have would grab him and he would rock with it. the subtle french innuendos and the drama of literally maiming yourself because you refuse to accept feeling your emotions healthily. not to mention joe and the goth mess he is as an antagonist.

i don't think he would relate to any of the characters in a personal sense, it's just more of the surrealist gothic romance vibes that he likes.

[vgckwb]

Things: A Welcome to Night Vale Fan Fiction

Cecil: Some like it hot. Some like it cold. Some don’t like it at all. We call those people “haters.” Welcome to Night Vale

Cecil: Well Night Vale, it looks to be a slow news day today. Not much is happening today, and all I have to report on in terms of upcoming events is the Community Calendar. So, let’s just get to that, shall we? On Monday, we will all sleep. No one will be awake on Monday. If you are awake on Monday, the Sheriff’s Secret Police will arrest you in their sleep. On Tuesday, we’ll feel all groggy after having just woken up. We wouldn’t want to do anything except snuggle with the people we love, watch an old TV show on Netflix and eat ice cream. On Wednesday, the paint will dry. All of the paint in Night Vale will mysteriously become wet at the stroke of midnight, and it will take all day to dry again. On Thursday, all of the milk will turn into toast, and all of the toast will turn into milk. And on Friday, grass will grow. This is unusual, as this is a desert community, and grass is rare.

Cecil: So, that’s pretty much it. I don’t have anything else to report on. I might as well go to the wea-

*Phone Rings*

Cecil: Oh. I wonder who that could be. (Picks up phones.) Hello?

???: Cecil, whatever you do, do not stop broadcasting.

Cecil: Oh, uh, who is this?

Roy: This is Agent Roy Bendez, of the Radio Safety Inspectors. By my authority, you are not allowed to stop broadcasting until I say that you can.

Cecil: Oh, uh, sure. I won’t. Um, why haven’t I heard of you before?

Roy: We here at the RSI specialize in listening to radio shows and tracking threats, which we then handle.

Cecil: Yeah, not to tell you how to do your job or anything, but I have reported on multiple threats, and I don’t remember seeing any of you.

Roy: Yeah, those threats weren’t in our jurisdiction.

Cecil: OK. Fair enough. So, what in your jurisdiction brings you to Night Vale?

Roy: ...Oh, dang it. Hold on. (Gets a book out.)

Cecil: What are you doing?

Roy: (Pages turning.) I just need to remind myself on what I’m allowed to tell you. It’s been a while since anybody asked.

Cecil: Well, I AM a reporter. I thrive on getting information and telling it to others.

Roy: I get ya. (Page turning stops.) Here it is. OK, so I’m here to stop a “Thing.”

Cecil: ...What’s a “Thing?”

Roy: A “Thing” is a creature of unspecified origin that is known to destroy a city or town after it feasts on a radio host for energy. They find a recording studio, turn invisible, and wait for meteorological reports to strike.

Cecil: That sounds bad.

Roy: Indeed. Which is why I need to find you and stop it. In the meantime, you need to keep broadcasting. Don’t go to the meteorological report until I am IN the station.

Cecil: ...You mean the wea-?

Roy: Yes. That’s what I mean. Don’t do that until I get there.

*click*

Cecil: Well, you heard him Night Vale. By the authority of the RSI, I have to stay on the air. Until this Agent Roy gets here. So that means I need to find something to talk about… Say, has anyone actually heard of this RSI before? I wonder if the station has anything on them. (Away from the mic.) Dante? Can you see if the station has anything about the Radio Safety Inspectors? Yeah, thanks. (In front of mic.) Our new intern Dante is helping me look up the RSI. It’s going to be a bit before he gets back with anything. You know, I like Dante. He’s a go-getter. But he does say that there’s a humming coming from the studio. No one else can hear it though, so we don’t really intend to do anything about it.

Cecil: Let’s see, what else is there to talk about? I guess Carlos and I are going to an Eagles theme party. It’s going to be super fun. I’m going as Glen Frey during his Retro-New Age fusion phase, and Carlos is going as Joe Walsh during his lab coat and boxer-briefs phase. I keep telling him that he only had that phase for three months while touring back in 1997, but he says he saw them live than and that really spoke to him. Of course, I don’t mind Carlos doing this, he looks good in everything, but it just gets under my skin that I have to prepare this elaborate pierce that involves a rainbow-colored spiky-haired wig, several peace amulets, sewing something comfortable onto a jean jacket, and a visor, and Carlos can just pull something out of the closet and drawer and call it there. But again, it’s fine.

*Phone Rings*

Cecil: Oh thank goodness. I was just about to run out of stuff to talk about. (Picks up phone.) Hello?

Roy: First off, you’re doing great. Just keep it going.

Cecil: You’re not here yet?

Roy: Well, no… I got a little lost. I’m having some trouble finding the radio station. Also, anyone I’ve tried asking has just told me, “Be gone interloper” and threw salt in my face. I then present my badge and they apologize, but are still confused.

Cecil: Oh, I can remedy that at least. OK listeners, today if you see a man dressed in… Hey Roy, what ARE your dressed in?

Roy: Oh, you know, slacks, a green trench coat, blue shirt, a black tie with a fire pattern. The usual RSI uniform for public appearances.

Cecil: Well, you’ve heard him. If you see a man dressed like that asking for directions, don’t throw salt at him. And give him directions. Because my life depends on it.

Roy: Oh hey, here comes someone right now. Oh. Uh, hi there. Yes. Yes. I see. Thank you. Well, a nice gentleman just helped me figure out where the station is. I should be there in five to ten minutes. Remember, keep on the air until I get there.

Cecil: Right. I got it.

*Click*

Cecil: Maybe I should save Agent Roy’s number. In case something like this happens again.

*Phone rings*

*Picks up*

Roy: Cecil, if you do that, I am going to have to burn the phone, the studio, and you straight to the ground.

Cecil: Oh, I, uh..

Roy: I’m sorry Cecil. It’s nothing personal. It’s just company policy, you know?

Cecil: Oh. OK.

Roy: It’s just we’re not supposed to have contact with outsiders more than we need to at the RSI. Heck, I’m probably going to get in trouble for talking to you as much as I am. Although, since this is a “Thing” we’re dealing with, some information might leak out anyway. I have informed my boss of this and filed the appropriate paperwork, so maybe this will be fine.

Cecil: Well, let’s hope so.

Roy: Hey, at least be glad that there isn’t “Stuff” in your studio.

Cecil: Oh, is “Stuff” worse?

Roy: No. It’s just you’d have to deal with Kyle, and he’s... not great. Oh, speaking of. Kyle. I know you’re listening. You’re on the clock. I just want to remind you that just because I’m not there, doesn’t mean you can hit on Gloria. She’s married. Her answer will always be “no.” Don’t do it.

Cecil: Who’s Gloria?

Roy: Gloria is my assistant, and she’s taking over for me while I’m out here. By the way, Gloria would hate it if I gave the wrong impression of her. She doesn’t need defending, it’s just Kyle doesn’t listen to women, so it usually gets violent if I’m not there.

Cecil: This Kyle guy sounds like a real jerk.

Roy: I know, right? And when things get violent, our boss just makes us go on a corporate retreat which solves nothing and delays detection efforts for everything we’re tracking. “Things.” “Stuff.” “Whatsits.” “Knickknacks.” “Gizmos.” You name it.

Cecil: It sounds like the real problem is Kyle. He should be fired.

Roy: Everyone at the office thinks so too, but our boss says that no one can detect “Stuff” like he can. We just need to find a replacement, and things will be golden.

Cecil: Well, I hope that you do find a replacement for him soon. Although hopefully not sooner than finding me.

Roy: Right. I should get back to that. See you soon.

Cecil: Bye.

(*Click*)

Cecil: Well, it looks like I’m alone again. Let’s see, what else is there to talk about. Oh. Oh, thank you. Listeners, Dante just came in and gave me the file we have on the RSI. So let’s look through it together. (Turning through pages.) Hmmm. Let’s see. It was founded 88 years ago. Oh. Listeners, there appears to be an official statement from our radio station. Let’s read it. “The Radio Safety Inspectors set out to protect the world from threats that use the energy from radio stations to destroy communities. None of these threats are known to the general public, and the RSI is generally secretive. Despite this, the RSI say that they are invaluable, and without them many towns and cities would be wiped off the map. Because of this, we here at Night Vale radio treat the RSI with the utmost respect.”

Cecil: Well, there you have it listeners. A succinct report oh the RSI. Oh. There are some photographs here. Let’s see. One of them is at the founding of the RSI. One of them is after saving a city from a… it appears to be redacted. Oh look, one of them is from after they saved Night Vale. It’s an agent standing next to my old boss, Leonard Burton. I wonder why Leonard never told me that story. Maybe it’s because they’re so secretive. Or maybe that agent didn’t file the paperwork properly.

Cecil: Let’s see, what else is there to talk about?

(*Phone rings*)

Cecil: (Picks up) Hello?

Steve: Hey Cecil. It’s Steve.

Cecil: Steve? Why are you calling?

Steve: Well, first off, this Roy guy you keep talking to? I went to high school with him.

Cecil: Really?

Steve: Yeah. We didn’t talk much. But I talked to him today. I gave him directions to your studio.

Cecil: Oh, Steve, thank you.

Steve: Anything for my favorite radio host.

Cecil: I didn’t know Roy was a local. I don’t know why people were salting him.

Steve: Well, I don’t think he lives here anymore. I haven’t seen him in almost two decades.

Cecil Huh. Maybe I should ask him about it when he gets here. Provided he filled out the paperwork for that. Is that all you wanted to ask me?

Steve: Huh? Oh. No. I wanted to give you another topic to talk about. Remember when you and Carlos came over for dinner the other night and you asked us our opinions on a scuffle you two were having?

Cecil: YES! Yes, I remember. Thanks for reminding me Steve.

Steve: Any time.

(*click*)

Cecil: So, what Steve was talking about was Carlos and I were at Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express. We were looking through to find Eagles records for the party I mentioned earlier. We then came across two best of albums that got us thinking. Fall Out Boy’s “Believers Never Die” and My Chemical Romance’s “May Death Never Stop You”. I asked Carlos which one he thought was more true, and he said “Believers Never Die.” His reasoning is that it’s possible that a believer in something never dies, it’s just that we don’t know what that belief is. He said that it is something that should be studied, but it would take a long time to study. He also told me that death stops everyone, so the My Chemical Romance one couldn’t be true. I then told him that just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you’ve stopped. I reminded him of Josie, and how her influence is still felt in this town. I also pointed out that Josie believed in things when no one else did, and she still died. ...I miss her.

(*Phone Rings*)

Cecil: (Picks up) Hello?

Michelle: Hi Cecil. I was calling to complain about you not coming to Dark Owl Records, but then I heard the names “Eagles”, “Fall Out Boy”, and “My Chemical Romance” and I realized that I would be offended if you found any of those records at our store. But I was already calling and I didn’t want to seem rude.

Cecil: Oh. OK. That’s fair.

Michelle: (Sighs) Look Cecil, as much I hate talking about Fall Out Boy, I agree with you. Death doesn’t stop people. Sure, they stop breathing and their body stops functioning. But it doesn’t stop people. My grandfather still has control over my family, and he died 12 years ago.

Cecil: Well, thank you for your input Michelle. Although I do want to correct you and say that “May Death Never Stop You” is the My Chemical Romance album.

Michelle: Whatever.

(*Click*)

(*Phone Rings*)

Cecil: (Picks up) Hello?

Roy: Cecil. I’m here. Get ready.

(*Click*)

Cecil: Well, that’s good news. I got so worried for a minute. Oh, I see him. He’s just outside my window. ...And he’s cocking a gun. And now he’s marching into the building.

“Thing”: (Growls softly.)

Cecil: Oh. Listeners, I think the “Thing” has gotten too impatient. And it is made its appearance and it is coming right at me. Slowly. It looks like… I don’t know how to describe it. I don’t know where to begin.

Roy: (Kicks down the door) THE WEATHER, CECIL! GO TO THE WEATHER!

Weather

(It can be what you want it to be, but I would recommend “Countdown” by Phoenix. No particular reason, I just like that song.)

(Sounds of a fight that is just about to end. Three hits end the fight.)

“Thing”?: RAAAAAW!

Cecil: Roy! Roy calm down. It’s over.

Roy: RAAAAAAAAApple monkey umbrella snake tennis ball.

Cecil: What was that?

Roy: Oh, sorry. It’s just when I get out of it, I don’t form coherent sentences, so I just say random things until I revert.

Cecil: No, I mean, why did you turn into a…”Thing?”

Roy: Oh. Right. That. That makes sense as a question. Right, so, I’m half “Thing.” That makes me good at tracking and fighting other “Things.” “Thing” that want to destroy towns.

Cecil: Is that not a trait shared by all “Things?”

Roy: No. Some things, like my mother, just want to live peacefully in their own habitat.

Cecil: Which is…

Roy: I’m not at discretion to tell you that.

Cecil: OK.

Roy: After they found me, I’m also not at discretion to tell you who they are, they decided to raise me. I lived a mostly human life, but I do occasionally fall into some “Thing” tendencies. Eventually, they wanted me to work for the RSI. That would mean giving up everything in life I’ve built for myself. Friends. Lovers. I couldn’t do that. They let me go for a while, saying that I would be back. And they were right.

Cecil: Why were they right? Why did you go back?

Roy: Well, it turns out while half-”Things” are a thing, quarter-”Things” aren’t. In fact, if a half-”Thing” has a child, it just increases the likeliness that that child would come down with a serious condition. I had a child, and they came down with something. Suddenly, the job I got myself wasn’t cutting it. The RSI was the only suitable option for me if I wanted to support my family. So we cut a deal. I’d work for them, and they help my family. I explained all of this to my wife. While we were both sad, we knew I had to do this for our child.

Roy: So now I'm stuck until I die or retire listening to radio stations, listening for “Things.” You know I lived here before I got deployed. There’s no point in hiding that anymore. So, I’ve taken an interest in your show Cecil. Listening to you describe my town fills me with joy. Seeing how it’s changed. It’s great.

Roy: And today I saw my ex-wife. She’s with someone else. And let me tell you, I’ve never seen her happier. Our child is doing well too. It makes me think that maybe it was the right decision, or that it would have happened anyway. Cecil, I wanna weigh in on your debate. I also agree with you that death doesn’t stop people. To my family, I’ve been dead for a long time now, but I still help them. The RSI still gives the money. I protected them today. I still love them, and care for them. And that care I’m giving them is care I've gotten from the people that raised me. Befriended me. And that care comes from the people that cared for them, going all the way back to the beginning of life. Death won’t stop that.

Cecil: Wow.

Roy: Anyway, you mind if I grab Dante?

Cecil: My intern? What for?

Roy: Well, you know that noise that Dante says he hears? That’s “Stuff.” I can see it right there. It’s not dangerous so long as it hasn’t been there for 100 years. Luckily, an RSI officer is always prepared. Let’s see. (Takes out something and records it.) 32 years. So it’s good. We should still deal with it.

Cecil: Uh, OK. Date, do you want to help?

Roy: Just to be clear, if Date helps, he has to come with me. And if he comes with me, he’s not coming back. At least, not without RSI approval.

Cecil: I see. Dante, do you still want to do this? Are you sure? OK. To the parents and friends of Intern Dante, Dante was an exceptional worker. He was diligent, hard working, loyal, respectful, and willing to take on any task. Including this one. Just know that while he might be “dying” to you, he is not stopped by this death. He will still care about you. And that care comes from you. Know that, as Dante leaves our fair town, almost certain to never return.

Roy: Alright Dante, I got this “Stuff,” you get the other “Stuff.” (Picks it up. Starts walking out.) Goodbye Cecil.

Cecil: Goodbye Roy. Goodbye Dante. (Door closes.) Well listeners, I thought today was going to be a boring one, but it turned out to be the opposite. Today is a day that was full of emotions. And you know what, every day is full of those emotions. Just because you feel bored or listless, doesn’t mean you aren’t feeling joy, or sadness. You’re just feeling it on a micro-level. I mean, Tuesday sounds like a pretty fun day to me. Just sitting on the couch. Watch some old TV. That sounds nice.

Cecil: Anyway, I do believe that is our show for today. Stay tuned for the sound of an egg being cooked on a rock in the sun for four hours. And until next time, Good Night Night Vale. Good Night.

Today’s Proverb: You are what you eat. That’s why we should eat the rich.