#jirs impostor’s syndrome

[thetoaddaddy]

A very angsty probably somewhat tiggering drabble. Inspired by my friends talking about orotsu. Which is a ship i do enjoy. But we covered an older jir discovering it. But what about a younger jir?

Staring at the knife Jiraiya contemplates. The floor of the bathroom was cold. The equally cold blade embedded deep into the wood in front of him. He should be happy. Yet all he felt was betrayal.

Maybe they’re right. He was the odd one. The extra. The third wheel that never quite fit. He’s strange, loud, perverse, and ugly. A mad man. A freak. Unwanted. From his parents to his team. He shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t exist. Obviously if he was meant to it wouldn’t be so hard. It wouldn’t hurt as much as it does.

Yet here he is. It seems the higher powers, if there is any, have planned for him to soak in misery.

He didn’t hide it well. His surprise. Then his disappointment. A dull cast over his eyes and his inability to even twitch a smile. He hated it. He hates it and he couldn’t hide it. Tsunade and Orochimaru.

“We’re dating.”

What is it about him?

Maybe he is all he fears he is. An unwanted burden. There’s no room for him. There never was. He’ll have to suffer through it all won’t he? Seeing them happy. Watching them grow closer. Burning with envy and hatred at all the wonderful things he’s never experienced.

Being aware that he’s fading away.

Even if he did commit would they notice? Would they care? Did it even matter anymore? Did he matter?.. To anyone? He knows he’s sensei’s least favourite. He’s no one’s favourite. They have each other if he’s gone. So what if he’s gone? There’s nothing for him. There will always be nothing. He’s stumbling through an empty life.

A fitting end would be this. No glory. No amazing tales to tell. Just a footnote. His body would probably be rotting here before they bother to check on him. He means… nothing. A mistake to his parents. A screw up to the military. Girls laughed at him. Boys scoff. An outcast that will never find his people, for they don’t exist. He’s meant for no one… Nothing. A puzzle piece that never quite fit. An extra knob that should be lopped off. There’s no one for him and no one destined to wait for him.

What a terrible burden it is to be born without a purpose in life. To be so unimportant. To feel lost. To have… nothing. Nothing and no one.

And nothing he shall be.