#jfc thats a lot of em to tag

[ghostietea]

It's been 10 years since I first read my favorite manga ✨🩷

[patchdotexe]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

[lilietsblog]

one punch man 10-12: the aliens

huh its episode 10 already man this anime is so short is it flashback time yet?

hi terrible Godzilla oh yeah its the S class introduction time

gotta love that theres actually competent military in this anime why is it such a rare thing jfc

seriously tho Saitama's superpower is NOT superstrength, that's just now how physics works I think he has sped up perception, and I suspect he had that to a degree even before he started his training, judging from how easily he managed to take on the crab guy, if not all of it but what his strength training gave him (awakened in him?) was basically reality warping no wonder he's bored: he ACTUALLY REALLY doesn't have to put any kind of effort into his punches, as it's not his physical strength that's doing any work there, it's literally reality bending to accomodate him that has got to suck reality warping ennui I love my egg son

I love how all of these monsters demand acknowledgement and don't just try and step on pesky human distractions that ignore them

okay yeah this dude did end up just trying to step on her

man Tornado is freakishly powerful and that's amazing

HI OLD MAN DUDE OMG SAITAMA AND GENOS ARE HERE

Genos oh come on you really should learn some self-defense actually

this sounds like an anime reference I'm not getting

I love that Silverfang at least appreciates Saitama's actual power

and Genos is just inviting Saitama to tag along this is adorable

I love how completely fucking extra all the heroes are and how ridiculous Saitama's low key normalcy looks by contrast

poor Tornado she's amazing but since she's only summoned for appropriate level threats it's not even interesting to be amazing

Watchdog Man is amazing

man you are so dramatic maybe start with explanations jfc there is no logic to this order of operations SAITAMA GOT HIS TEA IT'S FROM STARBUCKS IT'S HILARIOUS awww I love this cute lil bad boy who skipped his lil sis's piano recital )=

madame Shibabawa CHOKED ON A COUGHING PILL

poor Saitama not knowing anything I love how casual he is about asking what he doesn't know I wouldn't have managed >_>

you call it right Child Emperor this is very ridiculous granted the meeting holder dude is probably right but he's being very ineffectual about it

Saitama jfc why

IM REALLY GLAD HE GOT INTERRUPTED

oh yeah this is a completely irrelevant bunch of baddies isnt it

OH YEAH THESE ARE THE ACTUAL BAD GUYS GEE 'IN THE NEXT SIX MONTHS' SURE DID TURN OUT TO BE SOON so yeah thats why the meeting holder dude was right

I love how much attention this anime cares to pay to civilians in trouble

man guys you should have hidden in that rut together instead of getting out

the knight guy is awesome

man thats... not all of city A that was destroyed

ahaha Saitama didn't wait for everyone my socially awkward egg acts on his own out of sync with anything <3 i can relate so much

man my favorite thing about this final fight is that it's going to involve collaboration it's not just 'Saitama saves the day' because he's just one person like with the fish king, Saitama was only able to save anyone because other heroes were there first and here there are multiple battles to be fought these dudes are important too

wow his stump sure isn't bleeding out

hey the swords at least slow the monster down that's not nothing

man this samurai dude is hella cool this entire squad is hella cool footsoldiers are important and I love this anime

I love that the kids are in front here it's a terrible idea and yet in context who's going to say no

jfc King you are way too fast to give up

sorry Genos this is a child

I love the peacemaker dude tho

ahaha Saitama is already inside I love him

oh dude you sure are confident in yourself

SAITAMA IS SPREADING DESTRUCTION a thing he's good at

man this guy's design is SO TOTALLY A REFERENCE

...so the flashback stuff is probably side material that I haven't downloaded isn't it

whatever, I'll just continue the liveblog

man this ending is nice it's just pure aesthetic, and it's such a nice grounding one the Earth that Saitama lives on, which is the same one we all do

hi humanization of the enemy to them, Saitama is the kaiju and yeah he kinda is reality warping powers do that

aww Saitama is not very good at finding vital parts of the ship to destroy eh

Saitama makes for an awesome creepypasta really an unstoppable juggernaut

...I really want OPM to become an endless shounen series it's worth it and it has political setup enough for SO MUCH to happen it features a cast FULL of people very ready for exploration and convoluted plots the first season feels like BARELY A PROLOGUE in what could be the grand scheme of thing

GUYS THE FUCK YOU DOING THERE PLEASE EVACUATE

hi Hammerhead!!! I love you!!! omfg is that your actual first name oooomg

omfg THIS GUY I LOVE YOU TOO I REMEMBER AND LOVE YOU

this show's unwillingness to kill anyone off IS AWESOME

hi Sonic <3 I still love your oni face

I love that the knight guy looks middle aged with wrinkles and all

YOO NICE OJI-SAN

GOOD JOB DISRUPTING COMMUNICATIONS BOI

GO SAITAMA WRECK SHIT

I LOVE THE BAD BOY HERO SO MUCH REALLY I LOVE THIS ENTIRE SQUAD AND THE MUSIC IS EPIC AND THE KNIGHT KEEPS WORRYING I LOVE HIM

sorry coordinator dude that's S class heroes for you

welp bye bye dude that's the batter figuring shit out <3

man poor coordinator dude he's trying his best

I love Saitama and his low key shit I love how the navigator TRIES HIS BEST Saitama is ONE SMART COOKIE oh man this dude can actually look hella intimidating

yeah the downside of telekinesis as a combat power is that you still need to have something to telekinesis unless you can just straight up telekinesis your foes i guess

oh hey gravity manipulation nice

sorry due Saitama's power is basically no sell of any other powers its kinda sad

ahaha hes breaking his own ship now

man this supreme telekinetic power sure isn't used to actual direct combat ....yeah he's ridiculously weak kidna

awww cute lil aliens

awww Child Emperor! <3

ah yes! this is what Tornado is for!

and Mumen Rider on the ground you is good job!!! i love that they give him spotlight so fucking much you have no idea this really is an anime exploring the idea of heroes

AW YIS MY GIRL FUCKING WRECK EM THIS IS EFFICIENT COOPERATION

AND TORNADO TRASH TALKS THEM YOU TELL EM GIRL YOU DESERVE THIS GLOAT

guys with indirect powers wait for guys with direct powers to give them a chance

AW YIS SMALL FRY HEROES COMING TO SEARCH&RESCUE THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE

I'm still amazed the Knight is still alive guess his power is some sort of invulnerability/healing

dude if you forget the defense and focus on attack they still outnumber you this would have worked better when you still had many heads

AW YEAH BOSS ENCOUNTER (SUCH A REFERENCE)

SAITAMA LOOKING DANGEROUS AS FUCK GOD JOB YOU IS

Saitama is like a white hole infinite energy he just makes his own

I love how Saitama is still not used to the change of his status from hobbyist to professional it's the small details that make it <3

ahh and this is the kind of fight Saitama wanted isn't it?

haha twenty years yeah strength training had fuckall to do with it Saitama had this potential since babyhood

I LOVE SAITAMA'S COMMON SENSE YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND ATTACKING SHIT TO ALLEVIATE BOREDOM HE'S FAMILIAR WITH THIS PROBLEM VERY MUCH

I LOVE THE EGG SHOT JFC <33333333

man Saitama's low key-ness looks really badass here best egg

I love that Saitama's movement isn't even running particularly well, it's just walking really really fast

awww Saitama's come to not expect much by now <3

haha sorry dude you're now match for Tornado's firepower hope she's got some way to watch out for civilians would be invaluable for search&rescue if she were free for it rn

oh hey Drive Knight there sure are lots of knights here huh

oh and it was Metal Knight who destroyed the town huh was he the dude who came in to test his weaponry against the meteor?

yup dude sorry outnumbered

so guys you might want to get the fuck out from under the ship now

I love the badass opening music this is Saitama's true potential too bad the plot isn't about it

lol I love how they both have pretty low expectations for each other

this dude is about to bring down his own ship heh

OMG SAITAMA DIDN'T NO SELL THAT THAT'S PRETTY AMAZING sorry dude Saitama has power beyond his own conception too

yeah you can heal yourself but Saitama wasn't hurt

man his pants are baggy and look hilarious

wow holy fuck and Saitama's method of surviving is ragdoll roll with it as much as possible I do that in the car to avoid motion sickness on bumpy roads

AND YEP HERE IT IS SAITAMA IS ON THE MOON HAHAHAHA HE IS NOT BREATHING AND THERE IS NO SOUND SAITAMA ARE YOU GOING TO PUSH MOON OUT OF ITS ORBIT NOPE JUST DESTROY A CHUNK OF SURFACE

aww hey dude vulnerable after all where Saitama just isn't

sorry Tornado you're awesome but that wasn't you

this dude is strong but he isn't Saitama fast he's not even Sonic fast just very strong

CONSECUTIVE NORMAL PUNCHES NICE NOT ENOUGH STILL SAITAMA MUST BE SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW (and yet vaguely dissatisfied still because something in his brain chemistry still isn't making this as awesome as it should have been)

I love Saitama's creative names Serious Punch

I love that Saitama never taunts, never doesn't talk to his foes he doesn't dehumanize them, ever

well yeah okay that was pretty curb stomp sorry dude but you still entertained Saitama more than anyone else ever managed to

I hope poor little alien crew members survive alright ^^;

aww and the master picks up his knight

TORNADO CAN'T YOU HOLD THE SHIP A LITTLE well whatever

oh hey Amai Mask who the fuck even are you dude what the fuck shut up? I love the bad boy he's saying it like it is dude they literally saved the Earth and everything that wasn't wiped out in a single strike???

Amai is an actual supervillain here isn't he

mm he could be S rank I see

oh hey Metal Knight there sure are a lot of supervillains holed up at the top of the Hero Organization huh well I mean it makes as much sense as anything to recruit anyone sane enough to come in

ALIEN SURVIVORS <3

WHAT THE FUCK AMAI WHY LOCAL LIGHT YAGAMI OR WHAT

awww Genos really has found balance with Saitama

so is Saitama already home or what ah nope there he is <3

Tornado you naive muffin

OMFG SAITAMA IS ABSOLUTELY HELPLESS IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS AND CALLS GENOS IN FOR HELP THEY ARE SUCH GREAT PARTNERS

'history-making events, the top stories for days' yeah i guess in this kind of world there's nothing to do but keep reconstructing and ignore the losses )=

OPTION TO LIVE AT HEADQUARTERS YEAH THAT REALLY NEEDED TO BE A THING ALREADY

anyway I love this anime