#jfc brain feeling a bit lonely are we???

[forget-me-maybe]

i dreamt me and my ex were back together and very much in love and now i can’t do anything other than stare into nothingness

[worldwright]

OK I'm just gonna go ahead and post this, it's not like it's ever gonna get more cohesive LMAO

loose Trigun Stampede OST thoughts since I was playing it really loud at work today and could actually hear what was going on

(I don't know music theory I'm mostly just rambling about what they mean by putting certain themes where they did) (and instrumentation. I'm a whore for instrumentation)

-the melody in "memory of rem" reminds me of the little incomplete melody in "epilogue" and a few other tracks

-flute associated with vash?

-there's that one flavor of synth that is for sure associated with gates. wait isn't that the radio wave distortion instrument. tf is it called again. THEREMIN. yea

-3/4 tends to associate with plants, 4/4 with humanity, which makes "duet" even more fun

-meryl doesn't have a theme yet but maybe she has erhu? so does July though

-hi I just love that you can practically hear vash & the plants singing in "conception" like I know it's a viola or something but my brain autofills a voice

-what even is the theme in "epilogue"? where else does it appear fuck am I gonna watch the entire show Again. it feels so lonely and incomplete

-vash gets male vocals and knives gets female vocals. probably just more yin/yang symbolism

-oh knives is for sure playing the "memory of rem" melody in "the ultimate life form". on an upright piano for some reason. you'd think he could afford a grand. oh wait no that's just "reality" again. I do like the distortion on it tho, reminds me of the lil distortion on the Independents' voices

-"nicholas and meryl". ohhhh my beloved. vash's theme, his ideals, and the erhu tentatively following, copying but modifying, as if curious. I can just See it as meryl running after vash as he left Jeneora Rock. even a little scared about what it means for wolfwood. (no. we know what it means)

-i am going SO ABSOLUTELY FERAL about the percussion line at 4:00 in "TRIGUN STAMPEDE". I'm. it's. oh my FUCKING god

-yeah that track is just my favorite song in ever

-the things that get more "classical" vocals are the twins (when they're treated as a unit), the plants, lost tech, etc. and the modern people of noman's land get the fun cowboy chorus along with vash as he's come into his own

-additionally to that, I don't think vash was referred to with his own theme until the confrontation w knives in the plant carrier? it took him a bit to develop his own identity. and then in the main timeline his theme has collected so many different instruments and styles and bits from people and cultures that he's encountered. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa love love love it's about love

-i wonder if that awful jarring chord in "I have to choose" actually means something in music symbolism. I don't know music theory

-also the fun different key in "conception". that's the only time the plant theme is in that key WAIT. WAITWAITWAIT IT'S IN "HUMAN OR PLANT" TOO. OH GOD OH FUCK

-it. it actually is. jfc motherbitch aaaaaaaaaaa hmm. don't like that. orange did conrad's awful half-assed bullshit Actually Work

-the flute sure has a lot to say in "ethics and morality" 🤔

-wait is there something about knives often having an upright piano and the plants sometimes having a pipe organ? individual vs collective consciousness?

[certifiedceraunophile]

Hi! A fan of your writing here. I just love the way you write Caroline. An Avoidable Heart is my comfort fic and I am constantly in awe with the way you write and craft the dynamics in that story. Caroline's inner monologue is just priceless and God! I just love that intro scene where Caroline is walking into the Mikaelson compound with vampires and hybrids in the surrounding ready to pounce on her.

I would love to hear how you would have visualized Caroline crossing over into TO or not? Like in what season and why? How it would have likely gone?

Thank you!

First of all lovely anon gimme a moment to breathe, asdfghjkl why are people so lovely 😭😭🥺✨ It means sooo much to me that you’d take the time to jump into my inbox and send these kind words, like please I’m not worthyyyyy, But you make me smile and feel really freaking warm so *handcuffs your hand to mine* you aint leaving 💖✨💞🙃

But OK ALSO oh my god dude THAT CAROLINE WALTZS INTO THE COMPOUND AND TAKES ON A COUPLE HUNDRED VAMPIRES BY HERSELF SCENE???? Ughhhhh I’m sorry but I have SUCH a boner for Caroline in that, like my badass -I admit kinda op- QUEEN IS HERE and she’s fucking shit up, I’m sorry but I love that scene so much it’s so dear to me I was killing myself over how self-indulgent and grossly Over powered Caroline is but like idgaf man it’s such a hot scene and Caroline is practically invincible and we just love to see that, so seriously lovely anon, you telling me you LOVE that scene??? Puts the biggest smile on my face and reassures me a LOT bc I was whining and cribbing over how absolutely unbalanced that scene is to literally everyone BUT LIKE YOU JUMPING OUT OF NOWHERE and pointing that exact scene UGHH…...meant to fucking be the both of us 💖💞✨

And ALSO Caroline’s monologue is quite honestly the easiest inner monologue out of the three voices I wrote for that work, Klaus’s is the real pain in the ass tbvh like it is NOT easy writing pretentious besotted losers with a Kardashian complex especially when you need to make them sound cool when they’re the lamest OP dude bros to ever exist - and no I don’t hate Klaus although I seem to try my darndest to convince ppl I do- I just personally believe that a feral fucker like that with a thousand years of existence under his belt can grow a pair and graduate from his kindergarten level of emotional maturity to adult sometime soon, But then on the flipside he’s so grossly adorkably smitten and feral for Caroline plus hella horny for her all the time that its usually easy to write the trashed and devoted idiot he is into something pretentious and powerful and potent when relating to his unflappable arrogance and his narcissism, but sometimes I also need him to be *deep* and ffs profound for the sake of the plot and jfc my muse just wont work with me on that, she’s like I’m sorry I’m not about to bust my ass to make this mongrel intelligible like no sir all I wanna do is make him uncomfortably horny for Caroline and leave him like that.

So smh yeah the struggle is real….but lmao Caroline is just so precious and fiercely protective and just so achingly lonely in that story, so desperate for connection and trust and intimacy yet so guarded and impervious to everyone like it hurts me to write her like that but it really challenges me as an author to balance out her inherent light with the “void” I create in her and through her, so yeah it’s a very fulfilling task and I wouldnt change it one bit, and also I had to balance out her physical op-ness w half a millennium of the ugliest emotional trauma lol so I guess that figures, but the point being….once again I am overjoyed knowing that you liked a facet of the story that I tried so hard to make as authentically Caroline and achingly real and moving as I can and I cannot possibly feel more accomplished than rn for it so ty ty ty ty for reaching out to me and telling me *tackle hugs* It makes me GIDDY knowing that you enjoyed that particular part of the story like ugh stab me please you're too sweet.

And ok NOW, coming to The Originals part of the ask, (also please note that when I say TO headcanon; Hope does not exist, Hayley is a dead in a ditch and ofc Klaus will stop being that lil bitch they tried to pawn off as Klaus in TO) 

HEADCANON 1

Honestly my biggest headcanon when it comes to TO crossovers somehow always include non-humanity!Caroline like it’s just so perfect to me?? The opportunity to make shit BLOW UP b/w them like imagine the DEBAUCHERY, the heat, the SEXUAL TENSION, the repression of one Klaus Mikaelson, the EXPLORATIONS, and omg the role reversal when Klaus has to be the voice of moral reason between them and not bc he believes Caroline would not be able to stand herself if she does something heinous and monstrous but bc he wants her to be completely and utterly herself, and yk *aware*, when she DECIMATES ppl to the ground and is in full-on predator mode, like he wants her monster to come out and play with him when no part of Caroline is locked away or suppressed, so obviously when she is w/o her humanity KLAUS exercises restraint on her behalf, like can you imagine that, Klaus restraining himself and being the vague, extremely broken and just largely inaccurate moral compass between the two of them for ALL the wrong reasons- and the entirety of NOLA just standing there watching him herd this baby vampire who seems to be intent on riling him up and angering him when all she is doing is giving him a massive hybrid hard on, like IMAGINE THE GOODNESS of non-humanity Caroline wrecking NOLA and Klaus letting her wreck it bc he is helpless in the face of Caroline Forbes and also bc he is quite honestly *enjoying* the debauchery himself so why put a damper on the festivities.

-I might wanna add that I favour this headcanon a lot bc I genuinely do not even remotely *like* the idea of NOLA as Klaus's chosen place to set his roots so like I would love Caroline going to NOLA and destroying everything there just bc I detest NOLA and the storyline behind it in TO. (yes is it petty? Obvi, but like I am a petty soul and I make no apologies ma’am)

HEADCANON 2

So yeah that’s my main TO headcanon, but my other one being, one I talk about very frequently, scream about in tag rants to an obsessive level, and like this is a cracky one but still very valid, where Caroline rolls up to NOLA humanity intact and all, finds Hayley preggo and is just laughing her fucking ass off bc anybody ANYBODY, with half a brain and a two minute convo w klaus would know how UTTERLY stupid the entire baby shit is especially when it’s with an immemorable one night stand, and Caroline’s just losing her shit about how like an entire city is obssessed w this baby and she just straight up tells Klaus he’d SUCK as a dad (which he really does tho like he was a shitty fucking dad canonically too) and Klaus is just like *sigh* girl tell me about it. I mean basically he’s finally relieved that someone is on his side about the whole baby thing and how he definitely does not want his entire millennium of life to finally sum up to this one squalling leaking stinky infant/unicorn Hayley is apparently baking in her oven, and I say this headcanon is cracky bc klaus would never have put up w this mess long enough for Caroline to come in and sort it out, there’s this preferred method of disposal of his called heart ripping that would've been employed quite early on and honestly saved us all a lot of brain cells and minused years of life, bc let’s be real any Klaus who’s NOT a lil snivelling bitch wearing a Klaus skinsuit would’ve yeeted the baby and the mama first chance he got, and that’s just how I see it.

Lmao I really hope I didnt scare you away w my *strong* opinions Ik they can be a bit much but I enjoy having them so theyre not going anywhere, anyways this ask answer got WAYYYY too long but I’m hoping I answered your question well with this or atleast left you slightly confused and bemused over my feral screaming....either ways I’m really really really happy to have got your ask and the chance to rant so much bs, Twas cathartic and honestly I had nothing to do today so I was more than happy to dish this baby out for you. Thank you so much sweet anon for putting a smile on my face today I am absolutely HONOURED by your words you’sa cutie 💖💞✨🗣🗣

[staysuki]

squid game final episode reactions:

1) is squid game the final game. i mean, its the title of the series, i was expecting for it to come up soon

2) ok so it IS squid game 😀 gotcha

3) i love how they’re gonna do this wearing bloody fine-ass suits. that’s also one of the things i like here, the costume design, sure, there hasn’t been a lot of variety but honestly it’s great.

4) so we all know that gihun’s gonna win or the police will come before the game ends. so many possible endings going through my head rn:

- gihun wins, gets the money, fulfills his plans

- gihun wins, gets the money, becomes the next black mask head

- gihun wins, police arrives, doesn’t get the money

- police arrives, gihun and sangwoo are saved, nobody gets the money

- police arrives, gihun and sangwoo are saved, they both take the money still(????unlikely)

- police arrives, gihun and sangwoo are saved, gihun kills sangwoo still

- they both die idfk 💀💀💀💀

i’m honestly just throwing a wide net here and hoping one of them is true 💀💀💀

5) also we haven’t seen the “host” yet. i’m still betting it’s 001 or someone from inside the games idk.

6) big brain with the sand, i love that

7) i live how in-ho just killed his brother and now ten minutes later he’s explaining squid game to some foreigners 😀 gotta love how life works

8) the rain really putting a nice vibe.

9) I KNEW HE’D SAY THAT 😭 putting her out of her misery my ass

10) sangwoo’s descent to villainy, goodness, i love it. hate him as a person, love him in a character writing perspective. if i ever wrote some angst or thriller fic, i would 100% follow his character narrative’s pacing.

11) it looks a bit boring because there’s only two of them, barely any effects or sounds but again, i really have to commend the action choreography. its so good.

12) hit him in the nuts 😭 or just complete the game while he’s down.

13) STOPPING THE KNIFE WITH THE HAND. I CANT. I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

14) i’m gonna be nauseous for days.

15) gihun spared him, ofc. ofc he would. but still, he has to win the game so like idk. unless sangwoo stands up still. or not ig. just end the game already 😭

16) stop with the clause three 😭😭😭 but that seems like such a gihun thing to do. idk, he never gave “here for the money” vibes. not like sangwoo, even ali had that desperation for money. ugh #JusticeForAli, i’m still mad.

17) no, kill sangwoo already 😐 he is despicable. he’ll probably kill himself

18) oh look at that, he did. the game is no more. but yeah, there was no where else this would go, gihun was definitely gonna win. i was still hopeful with the clause three though, that was one thing i didn’t see coming. they really gave me a hopeful red herring huh.

19) there was only one guy watching over the security cameras omg 😭 that’s so sad, everything is so lonely.

20) wow, so sick. they’re so cruel. but i’m happy for gihun (not really, he’ll be messed up for life) but jfc 😭 this show.

21) it does feel like a dream. imagine being stuck in an island for that long and then thats just what happens.

22) they really just dumped them on the side of the street huh 😭 does he even get the money. what a bunch of a-holes. give him his money

23) horrible way to wake up. some rando stranger smiling down at you with wide eyes telling you about jesus. i would think i died.

24) HE DOES GET THE MONEY (????)

25) oh wow he does get it. i didn’t know there could be so much tension in withdrawing cash.

26) imagine seeing that much money in your bank account, i wouldn’t know what to do 😭

27) sangwoo’s mom!!! 😭💔💔 “by any chance have you heard from sangwoo” I AM BROKEN

28) i feel like his mom is dead. i wanna give dear gihun a break but i just FEEL IT

29) why do i have to be right all the time ����. i just felt it, at that moment, the slow panning of the camera as he walked back to his house, everything is dark. it’s 100% a death introduction. i couldn’t even cry because i was so busy being mad that i guessed it correctly. GIVE MY MAN GIHUN A BREAK

30) ONE YEAR LATER?!??!? THERES STILL 30 MINUTES. I hope he takes care of Saebyeok’s brother :((((

31) loving the rich poor guy aesthetic. again, gotta commend the fashion design and stylists here, they made him look so different.

32) i cannot see where this is going, i mean, with the way he was treated it seems like the bank guy knew he was rich rich but he asked for money. maybe he doesn’t wanna look at his bank account because of how traumatizing it is? ptsd?

33) cHoGiYo

34) THE FLOWER IS A PLANT (i meant like its suspicious). oh theres a card in it.

35) oh for fucks sake 😭 not the squid game again

36) I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT. 001 IS SO SUS. HE’S THE FUCKING HOST. I FUCKING KNEW IT. GGANBU MY ASS 😭😭😭

37) we saw ali die, we saw saebyeok die, we saw jiyeong die, we saw sangwoo die, we DIDNT SEE 001 DIE

38) no confirmed kill = still alive. still hoping on mr. hwang too 🤭🙈🙈🙈🙈

39) prediction = 001 started squid game to give a second chance in life because he’s rich af and getting old and think that he wants people to have another fair second chance in life because he cant have that anymore idk maybe. and also he likes gihun because he was nice to him this whole time.

40) great acting moment from gihun here.

41) what is this game 😭

42) 001 is right, he needs the answer. you cant kill him

43) anyways, senile old man is the bbeg all along, wbk

44) DONT KILL HIM FFS 😭

45) uh oh he bet anything. i bet he’ll be the next squid game front man if he loses the bet. also him being a sharkloan pls 😭

46) “if tHat Even is yOuR reAL nAme” im losing it

47) ms. girl really just walked away 😭 UNCALLED FOR

48) so is mr. 001 just a huge anarchist or smth. does he have a pessimistic view on life on how people are all meanies.

49) guilt for what he did??? he’s been doing it since the 90s 😭

50) there’s a few minutes to the bet left. he’s gonna run down there and help the drunk man himself.

51) IM GONNA SOUND SO HEARTLESS BUT I AGREE WITH 001???? (if i was in that situation, ofc i’d feel as broken as gihun but since i’m speaking as a detached viewer—) like, nobody was obligated to play and they all had a vote to end the game and then it was all up to them to join back AND THEY DID. maybe i’m just a sucker for rules and contracts and such, like, it’s a logical argument you can’t counter against (morals aside ofc). this makes me sound such a dick 😀

52) ok nvm he lost the bet 💀

53) whats up with him being so distrustful 😭

54) i love this part. the cutting of the scenes to gihun to 001 to the clock then to the drunken man. such great visual tension even with such simplistic scenes, you could tell what they were implying and what they were building up to. ugh, i love great cinematography.

55) ms. girl coming in with back up, we stan.

56) he died 😭 i mean, we saw it coming but where’s the doctors here

57) you saw that you lost— priorities right here.

58) whats up with mr. big brother hwang. i think out of all the characters, i’m confused with him the most. like, seriously, what a huge plot arc left unexplained.

59) THE RED HAIR I’M BAWLING

60) THE RED HAIR I’M BAWLING (2)

61) saebyeok’s brother 😭💔💔💔💔. HE IS SO CUTE AND INNOCENT I CANT

62) SANGWOO’S MOM 😭💔

63) how did he even explain where saebyeok is. i’m heartbroken.

64) OH MY GOD DONT LEAVE A SUITCASE FULL OF MONEY AND A CHILD ALONE IN THE OPEN 😭

65) awww he’s gonna see his daughter with red hair 😭♥️

66) MR. COFFEE PRINCE MY MAN. HE IS SO FUCKING CUTE IM SO SOFT. UGH IVE BEEN WAITING FOR HIM TO COME BACK ON SCREEN. ig he’s just some famous celebrity cameo, too expensive to keep him for the whole show or smth ugh he’s the best. he’s so ageless, so beautiful.

67) THE SQUID GAME STILL CONTINUING EVEN WITH 001 DEAD 👀

68) HE’S JOINING AGAIN ISNT HE 😐😐😐😐

69) go see your daughter please 😭💔

70) YEAH DONT JOIN. JUST GO TO AMERICA AND GET THERAPY IDK

71) GIHUN FFS 😭 what do you want to do by golly q

72) so gihun plans on rejoining and toppling the institution probably; is the front man even gonna let him in the game— i mean, they knew he’s 456 so like, they could literally just ghost him idk.

73) open-ended huh, perfect for cutting it there for interpretation or continuing with a second season. i don’t really plan on searching for any news on this so i’ll just surprise myself ig.

74) where’s my man hwang.

[pureleafy]

Hello angel. Can you ramble about writing for a bit? I’m extremely curious to know of the things that lurk behind your eyes when you’re writing. (Get nerdy for me).

Hi pretty baby. And you want me to ramble? Are you sure?? This will be way too long, love: 

Writing has been an outlet for me from a very young age (I’m only 20 but a bitch has been through it), and without it, I’m not sure if I would still be here. To be utterly curt, I deal with a cocktail of mental illnesses, and by golly, is it frustrating. My brain is often swarmed like a beehive with intrusive thoughts, I feel out of control, and sometimes all I can do is stare at a blank wall until I feel again. Super awesome! 

I grew up in a violent house. I have experienced things that I wish I haven’t but they have ultimately forged me to be who I am (which is truly a fuckin’ mess). But!! The brutality made me soft, it made me create other worlds for myself to escape to, and it saved my life. I would ask my teachers for notebooks and take them everywhere with me. I wrote all the time, every day, whenever I could because it was an escape. I would fill the cheap, spiral notebooks front to back with a never-ending story. I would take them in the woods and sit in the grass and write. I would climb the mulberry tree in my yard and write. I was always really lonely, but when I was writing I never felt alone. It was a euphoric feeling, to have so much control over something when I felt hopeless. 

I have been independent/on my own since my freshman year of high school, and I think that’s when I stopped writing as much. I got out of my unfortunate living situation, was much healthier (and I guess you could say happier?) so I felt like I didn’t need to write anymore; it wasn’t my crutch, I associated writing with pain and loneliness, and I didn’t want that anymore. I convinced myself I didn’t need it, but fuuuuuck do I need it. I tried picking up painting. I wanted to be an artist lol (I can’t draw for shit), but god damn did I try. 

So it would always come back, every now and then, I would get that itch to write, to create, my brain would scream these ideas at me and I would beat them with a broom. I told myself someone else can do better than me, that I write like garbage anyway and who the fuck would want to read my stuff? Do people still read? I was a big bully to myself. 

Enough of that sappy sad shit, now I am in college (which sucks major nuts btw) and I have been discovering myself, yanno?? Ripping open my childhood trauma, delving into my personality and interests again, reminding myself that change is okay, and just being compassionate. I started reading and writing a lot of poetry two years ago, and haven’t stopped. So writing is fresh and new still, I am relearning where the passion truly comes from; not from pain, from grace. Now that we have that out of the way, I can tell you my writing process in the here and now lol!

Fanfiction actually inspired me to pick up writing stories again. I was at a suuuuuper low point before I turned 20, stressed as hell, broke as hell, mental health whack as hell, lonely and struggling like hell. Then here comes the saving grace. I opened up an untitled document and just started spewing words, feelings, characters that have built up for years and years (after locking them in the basement of my mind), and it all exploded on the pages. I was overwhelmed, I was so fucking excited, I wanted it to consume me. 

Now I write because I want to write. I write because there are other people who encourage me to write. I write because I fucking love it so much and no one can take that away from me. Behind my eyes are universes in a constant orbit. Every atom is ignited, every nerve is set on fire, and I just need to get it out (the feeeeeeelingsss). As if I could hide a gun in my bones, every cell is a weapon, and every molecule is resisting arrest. It’s difficult to focus on one story, on one theme, jfc it’s hard to focus in general. I’m just so delighted to be able to write again without always shutting down from my past. I still have bad days, but the good is so lovely. I feel privileged to be able to share my work, it fills my heart to the brim. Thank you for this ask, you are a savior. Today was one of those bad days, but this helped immensely. Thank you thank you ♡

[canarhys]

hOLY SHIT I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT YOUR ACCOUNT BUT JFC I LOVE IT AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DUDE Can you make a Valdangelo Godswap AU? You might know what this is from, but could you do Aphrodite Nico with Athena Leo? Leo's like a HUGE nerd and Nico's super hot and cute and always has glitter on his face, obsessed with pink, etc jfc, Leo has a huge crush on Nico and Nico also has a huge crush on Leo, but both of them are sO OBLIVIOUS and are constantly trying to improve themselves for eachother :))

“piper. piper, please explain this. piper, i’m legit about to start crying right now, you have no idea—“

“dude,” the daughter of hermes interrupted, “just like...breathe.”

[[MORE]]

“i can’t!” leo threw his arms up in the air, the predicament he was facing clearly taking a toll on his mental state — not good for a son of athena. “piper — have you seen him? i physically can’t speak whenever he tries to talk to me!”

“it’s just nico, leo,” piper soothed her friend, whose emotions were the equivalent of a knott’s berry farm roller coaster. “you went on a quest with him one time.”

“that was a year ago!” leo exclaimed. “when i had no clue that i had a crush on him and we weren’t totally awkward with each other.” his face suddenly curled in horror. “oh my god, i had acne back then. he probably thinks i’m ugly—“

“okay!” piper yelled out, grabbing leo’s arm and pulled him out of the hermes cabin quickly, making him yelp when, in a split second, he was outside and he could actually taste the oxygen on his tongue. piper placed her hands on her hips as she looked at him taking back in the air he lost. “better?”

“physically, yes,” he answered. in contrast, his brain was having a fucking field day. because only ten minutes ago, piper had brought to light the idea that leo had a crush on nico — the revelation which had caused the son of athena to have a mental breakdown because he was that oblivious to his own feelings. and it wasn’t something to feel proud of, because leo had felt that he understood everything about himself up until now.

so he didn’t even bother to question why he felt his face flush whenever nico complimented him, or why he felt butterflies in his stomach whenever nico placed a hand on his shoulder. and it made him internally scream to no end at how, for a child of an intelligent goddess, he was such a dumbass.

“well, you’re fine now,” piper said. “i haven’t seen you have this much of a heart attack since the whole jason incident... for the same reason. god, athena kids are hopeless romantics.”

“shut up, piper!” leo flapped his hands. “i just need to think for a second.”

his friend’s face contorted into sympathy, and she placed a hand on his shoulder. it made leo feel guilty. whenever something was ‘too much,’ he tended to lash out because he was having a crisis wrapping his head around whatever was happening. he apologized but she told him not to worry.

“it’s just... i just... i don’t even know,” he mumbled, burying his face in her chb t-shirt. “i think i like him... a lot? he’s really cute and i’m really bad at confessing my feelings for people. plus he’s a child of aphrodite! he’s basically out of my league.”

she grabbed his shoulders and forced him to look her in the eye. “i’m sorry, whose brilliant idea was it to create demigod cell phones that don’t attract monsters?”

leo didn’t answer and she nudged him slightly before he mumbled a small “...me.”

“and who was able to behead an entire column of cyclopes with a single ballista fire?”

leo started laughing. “me.”

“and who fought the leader of an army of rabid hellhounds and speared him through the chest?”

“okay, okay, i get it!” leo exclaimed, his smile crinkling his eyes. “that was me.”

“if you are able to defeat a rogue demigod in under a split second, then you are out of nico’s league! if he doesn’t return your feelings, then he has to raise his standards!”

leo snorted before hugging piper tight, the touch-starved soul within him begging to encase his best friend in a big hug. piper really knew how to rile people up.

“piper, have i ever told you how amazing you are?”

“i mean... i always knew, but okay.”

leo would’ve punched her if she wasn’t being amazing right now.

suddenly he felt piper shift under his embrace, he looked up and saw her with an uncomfortable expression. “uh, dude—”

“valdez?”

his heart suddenly stopped at the sound of the gravelly voice that belonged to the one and only man of his dreams. he turned around on impulse, which was a mistake because he was suddenly frozen on the spot and his fingers weren’t even moving an inch and leo was pretty sure his mind wasn’t any better because nico was right there—

if you asked leo valdez what his favorite thing about nico di angelo was, he probably wouldn’t answer and just spontaneously combust. nico di angelo had an inch on him, less thin limbs and more... well, hotness. he had smooth olive skin with galaxies upon galaxies of freckles, curled hair that was currently in a weak (yet cute) ponytail, and he was wearing a pink leather jacket with studs and clips. his dark eyes were glittered up under the lids, giving him almost a fairy look that nearly made leo collapse on his own.

leo probably looked like a gaping fish, his face dark and flushed. nico wasn’t helping. because he wasn’t saying anything either and leo really needed him to hand him a subject because if he wasn’t, leo was going to accidentally fall into his arms and kiss him senseless—

“can i...” nico started, before clearing his throat. leo was swerving by the raspiness of his voice. “can i talk to you for a minute?”

leo glanced at piper, who was hiding a thumbs up that only leo could see. he looked back to nico and could only nod.

leo said his goodbyes to the daughter of hermes and followed his crush to camp half-blood’s lake, a shimmering blue that reflected the sun overhead, a small dock leading out towards the water. leo caught sight of some water spirits, who waved at him flirtily, and he forced himself not to blush as he shyly waved back.

“that was your friend?” nico asked. he had perched himself on the edge of the small wooden dock, the darkness of his raven hair pulling away by the streams of sunlight illuminating it. he looked gorgeous as the sun cascaded across his freckled skin. his legs were crossed, and he was looking at leo with a weird face. leo didn’t know what emotion he was expressing but he hoped it wasn’t bad.

“huh?” he realized after around 9.5 seconds that nico was talking to him. “oh, yeah, piper! we’ve been friends since we were kids, we’re pretty close.”

nico raised an eyebrow before humming in acknowledgement. what, did he want him to say they were dating or something? leo could never figure him out, which was probably why leo liked him for some stupid reason — the only equation he couldn’t solve.

nico patted the empty space next to him. “sit,” he said.

leo blinked before walking over to where he was, crouching down to sit upon the dock and let his feet dangle over the edge.

“why did you want to talk to me?” leo asked. (if he had been looking, he would’ve seen nico curse under his breath.)

“oh, um, i was lonely... yeah, because my friends are on a date and they’re like the only people i hang out with so...”

leo felt his high hopes drop to a new low. oh. that’s why he brought him here. leo felt a bubble of spite fill his stomach, more towards himself than towards nico. because of course nico wouldn’t want to converse with him in the first place — leo was so insignificant that he was barely a mole on a baby’s ass. the new information already made him want to jump in the lake and leave camp.

“so i’m like your rebound?” he joked, almost sarcastically, and his eyes widened when nico’s head snapped towards him in an almost defensive position.

“no!” he yelled. “i wouldn’t just do that to you. you’re... uh...” he coughed. “you’re fun to talk to...”

the spite bubble popped, and he made a soft “oh.” he really wished he knew how any of his nerdy rants and book reviews were “fun,” since those were majority of his conversations with the son of love. nico was from the 30s, which meant that he didn’t know much from this era and leo had once been a bit of a tour guide. once in a while he would bring up a topic that leo was obsessed with and he would go into a thirty minute explanation into star wars or dc comics. then he would promptly realize that he’s been infodumping and die on the inside.

nico sighed. “look, i really enjoy your company. you’re smart and you have funny jokes.”

leo made a face. “all of my jokes are inside jokes that no one understands.”

“...yeah, but they’re funny when you know the material?”

leo couldn’t help it. he giggled. “sure, you’re just saying that.” he twiddled with his thumbs, dreading for when the conversation was going to hit death valley where neither of them knew what they were going to say. “what do you want to talk about?”

“i don’t actually know?” nico laughed, a short yet heavenly laugh where his eyes closed like butterfly wings and his mouth curled in a dashing smile. “i’m not good at conversation starters.”

“honestly same,” leo replied. “i’m pretty sure all my dialogue has been entirely based on this book series i...” he dragged his sentence before facepalming. “uh, sorry, i don’t know why i’m—”

“no, no!” nico suddenly grabbed his wrists, and leo skin felt cleansed by the touch of fingerless gloves against his arm. “tell me about it.”

leo raised his eyebrow. he had never done this before. “you sure? i can go on about it for an hour and you won’t be able to stop me.”

“no, i’m sure.” he placed leo’s hands back down on his lap. “tell me.”

that was enough of a catalyst to start talking about the latest book collection he had gotten his hands on (in greek, of course), the six of crows duology. he had finished the grisha trilogy just a month ago (in under a week, he might add), and had bought the two books at the camp’s bookstore. he had finished the first book in a single day and read again because it was just that good, but he was struggling to find time to read the other one. he had asked nico if he wanted to hear spoilers (to which nico nodded wordlessly), and leo had then gone into a rant about how dumb kaz was for not actually trying to show inej his feelings or how nina was way too good for matthias (both of which now sounds pretty relevant to the situation), then started screaming about wylan and jesper and wouldn’t stop talking about their cute dynamic and suddenly he was on the topic of grisha as a whole.

the entire time nico was just nodding and looking at him, but as leo was explaining the chemistry of all the book’s relationships, he noticed nico had a lost expression on his face. he was staring at leo, eyes gazing longingly at him with a soft smile and tint of blush on his cheeks (leo suspected it was makeup). the glitter under his eyelashes were prominent, bright pink and gold and adding beautiful contrast to his entire looks. his hair was cascading around his face in ripples. was he daydreaming? leo stopped talking to prove his theory, and nico didn’t stop staring. was he a little too much?

“do i have something on my face?” he questioned, making nico snap back into reality.

“w-what?” nico stuttered.

“you’re staring,” leo mumbled, averting his eyes from the beautiful boy. “i knew it, i’m ranting too much.”

“no, no!” nico exclaimed, waving his hands for emphasis. leo noticed his black and pink nail polish. “it’s just... your eyes are striking.”

leo an inhuman noise, confused. nico realized what he said and immediately tried to recover.

“cause they’re... uh, they’re scary! yeah, they can kill a man in one hit. i should know, i saw you take down a monster twice your size.”

there was silence. it made sense. his eyes were brown, differing from his siblings’ gray ones, yet they were still sharp and jason claimed they made him nervous when they first met. leo didn’t know if he should be proud or not. it was one thing to strike fear in enemies’ hearts. it was another to strike fear in your friends’.

“uh, thanks man,” leo said, internally scolding himself for not having a proper answer. “yours are... neat.”

neat, he screamed at himself. neat! of all the fucking words in the world, that’s what he said. god, athena must be shaking her head in disappointment in olympus. sorry mom.

(it was a travesty since neat was an understatement when it came to nico di angelo.)

“you know what, i’m sorry,” leo apologized, standing up and backing away. “i have a project i need to work on and jake has been asking me to help him with something, i should go—”

“wait!” nico stood up abruptly, which was the worst mistake of his entire life because leo watched in shock as his foot stuttered under the lack of wood under it and sent nico toppling down into the lake below. leo cried out, rushing towards the water and looking over the dock to see nico pop up from the water and gasp for air.

his black bangs stuck to his face, dripping wet with the hair tie forming his ponytail missing. he pulled the strands from his eyes, looking up at leo who had his hands over his mouth as if he was afraid of what nico was going to say next.

“are you okay?” leo asked, trying to ignore how nico still looked breathtaking after taking a dunk into the half-blood waters.

nico slapped his hands down in the water, the flying droplets hitting leo’s face and making him wince. “do i look okay?”

leo didn’t answer, looking down at the dock in shame, and already his brain was about to burst and now he was probably going to cry? because this is like the worst thing to happen to him in forever and now nico is mad at him and he won’t be his friend anymore and all this stuff was making his stomach feel like excommunicating every single acid in it. “sorry.”

“oh fuck, um, wait, oh gods wait, no, it’s my fault i— leo, hold on!”

leo could barely hear him as he did the only thing he could think of doing, not even bothering a second glance as he ran away to the athena cabin.

—

nico was an idiot.

no scratch that, nico was literally the god of idiots. the whole enchilada of idiots with an idiot army by his side.

being a son of aphrodite, nico expected himself to be a master when it came to emotions, especially romantic ones. and it showed, by his ability to patch up relationships between other campers and help them get ready for their dates with his wardrobe expertise. he was able to make monsters swoon by his voice only to set them up to kill them. he was the one, after all, that knocked sense into percy that he had a crush on annabeth.

but all of that was thrown out the window by leo valdez.

cute, adorable leo, who went for hours on end with tv series and science rantings that nico couldn’t even comprehend because he was always staring at his face, starry eyed and so passionate that it made his chest hurt. whose intelligence was able to bring down a rogue demigod general in the titan war. who was so easy to fluster and make laugh till he couldn’t breathe.

so, nothing could have compared to the absolute disaster he was when they talked a week ago.

first strike was when he had forgotten to create a valid reason to speak with him (anything other than him wanting to stare at leo in a non-creepy way) and fucked it up by explaining that he was some sort of rebound. a rebound! leo wasn’t a rebound, he was a goddamn blessing!

then was when he was caught and he replied with, “your eyes are striking.” he tried to ignore that part because he had never been that stupid, and his explanation wasn’t any better because leo probably took offense of him calling him scary (which he can be but nico likes his face).

finally — falling in the lake. the one thing he was not prepared for, making him so pissed off at how bad he was at this whole feelings thing that he accidentally lashed out at leo. it was the worst — seeing hurt cross over leo’s face with a dejected expression, and nico failing to speak a coherent apology before leo took off, obviously wanting nothing to do with him after he was such a jackass.

which he was, no doubt about it. he wondered what he did wrong, sitting by his vanity, now dry and doing his own makeup and applying glitter under his eyes. then he realized that everything from the point he realized he liked leo was wrong, because he should’ve known that he can’t be too prideful in his love abilities. and now he drove leo away.

“don’t beat yourself up about it,” reyna said, the daughter of apollo said, cleaning up her golden arrows with a small cloth. she was visiting the camp from the roman one she stayed at. “i’ve met leo. he isn’t the type to hold grudges against someone.”

“i know that!” nico spun around in his chair, crossing his arms in exasperation. “i feel bad though. if he hates me, he has a reason to.”

“if he hates you, he’s obviously a dumbass,” reyna counterpointed. “are you going to apologize though? because i’m tired of seeing you pining and not making any moves.”

“i made a move and it ended with me swimming with the fishes.”

“the only thing you said was that his eyes were pretty.” reyna leaned closer, placing a hand on his shoulder. “step up your game.”

nico scoffed. “i’m getting relationship advice by a sun demigod.”

“i’m being serious.” the daughter of apollo had a stony expression on her face. “it’s important to be yourself, i mean that’s what you told me. but if you want to go all out, go all out. you and leo will continue to avoid each other until you come out to him.”

nico sighed. “okay, but...how?”

reyna grinned, picking up a brush from nico’s vanity. “allow me to help.”

an hour later nico was wearing a mesh t-shirt and black leather jeans with combat boots that were decorated in pink flower embroidery, plus a bubblegum aviator jacket gifted to him by his mother. his hair was let down today, ending at his shoulders and wavy like ocean seas, with clips holding up his long bangs. he had his eyelashes curled and eyelids brushed with eyeshadow, and he looked himself up and down in the mirror along with reyna.

finally his best friend gave him a thumbs up. now the challenge was knowing what to say.

“knock him dead!” reyna called out. “well, don’t actually. but you’ll do great.”

“thanks!” nico called out. he was about to head to the athena cabin until he bumped into someone who ran straight at him.

“oh shit!” the person yelped, and nico’s thought processes immediately malfunctioned. “sorry, my bad— nico?”

the plan was supposed to be talk to leo, ask him out somewhere, then confess to him and wait for judgement. but that plan was basically burned to ashes when nico found himself struggling to form words as he stared at leo. his dark yet clear and stabbing eyes looking up at him, his skin decorated in small freckles under the eyes and beauty marks dotting his face delicately. his wild dark hair was like smoke, and small owl earrings hung from the lobes of his ears. he was wearing a pale blue shirt under his chb tee, blue shorts and high socks, making him look like an absolute nerd especially with a small pencil tucked above his ear and gods, nico could feel himself reaching elysium.

nico registered that he was holding leo to keep the shorter from falling, hands on his tiny waist that made his mind even more jumbled until leo’s loud and rapid voice started speaking.

“oh, nico, thank gods i found you! i wanted to say sorry, i’ve honestly been avoiding you because i thought you were mad at me and you most likely are, and you have the right to because i sent you into the water and i probably ruined your makeup — though you guys probably have waterproof makeup so i don’t know — and i didn’t even help you out which was really stupid of me because i’m supposed to be a nice person and frankly you were dripping wet, wow that sounds really wrong i’m sorry i should probably stop rambling—”

the boy took in a deep breath, but nico was squealing internally about how cute leo was when he rambled. he willed himself not to pinch his cheeks and kiss him on his forehead. “i’m sorry.”

“what?” nico honestly was lost halfway through his rant. “it’s fine, it was my fault. i should be the one apologizing. i yelled at you.”

“yeah but i deserved it,” leo mumbled, looking down at the ground.

“no, you didn’t,” nico retorted, going into defense mode. “i’m sorry, really. you want me to make it up to you?”

leo tilted his head like the goddamn cutie he was. “you don’t have to but... how?”

“let’s head to the bookstore,” nico answered. “you pick out a book and i buy it for you.”

“what?” leo exclaimed, backing up until nico’s hands weren’t on his waist anymore (which totally didn’t make him feel sad). “dude, you seriously don’t have to do that, i mean there’s a library—”

“yeah, but the library doesn’t let you keep the books. i know you like reading them over and over again.” nico held up a bag of drachmas from his pocket. “i have money. you can buy the entire store if you desire. but i’m not letting you get out of this empty handed.”

leo looked ready to go off on an entire explanation of why he wasn’t going to follow nico’s idea, and despite him being one of the best debaters the camp has ever seen, nico was determined to hold his ground because that’s what leo deserved.

leo sighed, noticing that nico wouldn’t budge. “okay, fine!” he groaned. “can i at least pay you back?”

“nope.”

“ugh!”

leo’s worries about this arrangement were quickly diminished though, when leo had seen the fuckton of books that had been added to the bookstore since he had last came there. he was gawking over some of them, even held on to three and continuously checked their summaries to make sure they were good. nico leaned against a bookshelf, non-fiction, staring at leo as he ran his finger across the covers and watched his talk to himself silently, even picking some novels up to read with focused eyes. the son of aphrodite hated how whipped he was, but the son of athena was so pretty that he couldn’t help it.

leo placed one of the books back on the table, though hesitantly. “are you sure you can pay for these?”

nico nodded. “i’m stocked up on money right now. buy whatever you want.”

“i’ll just buy one,” which seemed easier said than done to leo, because he was having an internal debate between two thick novels. he turned to nico and showcased them. “pick, i can’t choose.”

nico scanned the books. one was named the outsider by stephen king, the other children of blood and bone by tomi adeyemi. nico had no idea what their summaries were or if they were actually interesting, but he was pretty sure he could pay for both.

“i can buy both of them,” he said. leo was about to protest but nico snatched both of the books out of his hands. “this all you want?”

“i mean, yeah, but—”

“no buts!” nico interrupted. “you deserve this and you don’t get to think otherwise. you want these or not?”

leo nodded. nico smirked. “good. i’ll be back.”

a minute later nico was handing a paper bag of the two books to leo, who almost didn’t grab it if it wasn’t thanks to nico’s prodding. a smile made its way onto the son of athena’s face, fond and filling nico’s empty stomach with butterflies. he looked absolutely gorgeous.

“thanks, neeks,” he said, before gasping and covering his mouth.

nico felt his cheeks heat up. “neeks?”

“sorry, it just came out!” he clutched the books to his chest as if they were a stuffed toy. “you’re really nice, nico.”

nico felt himself step closer towards leo. “it’s no problem.” but it was a problem, because nico was already in leo’s personal space and trying to think other thoughts than kissing him. “you needed this.”

leo laughed, wheezing slightly and light-hearted. “i guess.” he looked up at nico and the son of aphrodite thought he saw him leaning up towards him until—

leo’s face contorted into absolute horror, his eyes widening as they looked at nico’s shoulder. he screamed in terror, jumping and backing up quickly until he hit his head on a nearby ladder that just-so-happened to be placed next to him. nico could barely register leo holding his head in pain before his eyes rolled up into his head and he promptly fell onto the floor, unconscious.

oh shit.

nico looked down at his shoulder to find a daddy longleg hanging on to it. he yelped and flicked it off to gods’ know where, when the reality of the situation hit him. of course a spider would show up. as if the children of athena couldn’t get enough. as if nico didn’t have enough disastrous experiences caused by him already.

nico had brought leo into the infirmary and asked for the apollo kids to give the books to leo on his way out, before rushing to the aphrodite cabin and saw reyna back there, with a sunflower yellow dress, on her demigod phone when nico opened the door with a slam.

“how’d it go?”

nico thought about the day for a single second before walking towards the bed and falling down face first on it, taking in a breath, and muffled his yelling.

son of love? more like son of dumbass.

—

when leo got out of the infirmary, books in hand, he had willed himself not to drown himself in the camp’s lake.

who decided it was a great idea to make children of athena have arachnophobia? because leo had actually tried to kiss nico, one of the boldest decisions in his life, he may add, only to get severely mortified at a fucking tiny saddy longleg climbing over nico’s shoulder, getting a concussion, and passing out. and he actually tried to look cleaned up, with his best shirt and a small pencil to add. was karma doing this? making himself a humiliation in front of the prettiest boy on earth?

he wanted to march up to athena and demand her he take him up to olympus and away from his feelings.

piper had helped him with the incident from two weeks ago, after helping him a week prior when he had felt horrible about nico falling in the lake. now she was telling him, as she was eating from a bag of chips, that he should just confess and get it over with.

“yeah, like that worked,” he grumbled sarcastically.

the daughter of hermes threw up her hands in exasperation. “leo, you have to be shitting me! at this point, you both are oblivious fucks. right now, you march right over to nico’s cabin, tell him your feelings, and hope it goes well. hell, i’m sure he likes you too!”

leo sputtered. “where?”

piper groaned, lolling her head back as if she was begging her heavenly father to take her back to heaven. “nevermind. just tell him you like him.”

and here leo was, in front of the aphrodite cabin, pink and glossy and full of the prettiest people in camp half-blood. leo used to think the kids in there were airheads and lovebugs until he saw them in battle, especially nico, one of the only aphrodite campers with charmspeak. leo wished he had charmspeak so he could beat some sense into himself to go through that deadbeat door.

he let out a breath, clearing out his mind. well, here he goes.

he raised his hand to knock on the door when it opened to... speak of the devil.

“leo?” nico called out, closing the door behind him. he was wearing the same attire he had on two weeks ago, all dolled up and making leo’s face go from normal to seething warm. “i, um, i’m sorry—”

“you’ve got to be kidding me.”

nico blinked before narrowing his eyes. “excuse me?”

but leo was angry, because his emotions have gotten the best of him for far too long and nico was right there, and leo felt all his common sense get thrown out the window and get replaced by anger at the gods for all these bad happenings and shit. he was angry at himself for holding back so long, and angry at nico for not starting something earlier and pretending they could always go back to how they used to be because, frankly, leo was done. he was finished.

“i’m just gonna come out and say it. i like you, di angelo. i like your gorgeous face and your dumb laugh and i like how you try to apologize for things i neither you can control. i literally just figured i had a crush on you like three weeks ago and honestly i’m just done because i’m a son of athena so love isn’t my strong suit which really isn’t that surprising but you get the point. you make me smile a lot and i like it when you hug me and i don’t even know how to interact with you anymore because you make my brain genuinely malfunction and i hate you for it, i hate you but like i like you too and i really want to kiss you—”

he was cut off by nico suddenly surging forward, locking their lips together.

leo made a surprised muffled noise, eyes widening before eventually closing them in bliss, wrapping his arms around nico’s neck and letting the taller hold him by the waist, firm hands grasping him. he felt himself melting in nico’s arms, kissing back and unconsciously bringing his hands up to caress nico’s soft hair.

nico brought up a hand to hold leo’s head, rubbing circles on his back. leo barely remembered that he needed to breathe, and hesitantly leaned away, looking up at nico, who looked as blissed out as he felt. his cheeks were scarlet, his eyes full of hearts.

“wow,” leo muttered. “did you—?”

“mhm,” nico hummed.

“and was i—?”

“mhm.” a fond smile crossed nico’s face. leo felt himself fall in love all over again. “do you want to come inside? just to talk! and maybe kiss?”

leo smiled, glad they were finally being blunt with one another. “i’d love to.”

[bartsugsy]

Oh Lo. Please teach me your ways. I mean I'm not even overly negative about everything, but how can you always be so excited./see the positives with each new spoiler/quote? I wish I could lol. Cos seriously, IM's definition of 'fun' and mine appear to be vastly different. This mainly boring scheming Robert plpt continues into next year? We're not getting a reunion til 2018 are we? Lord, they really want to test our patience don't they? Have we not paid are dues yet? haha! Who's exit you think?

do you know what anon, it’s weird, but i was actually thinking about what i would say to someone earlier today, if they asked me how i tend to stay positive???? it’s like our brains just know sometimes lmao - but that’s why you’re about to get a weirdly deep answer instead of what i usually say here

and honestly, i was thinking about this because i was thinking about life in general and how much i believe in the power of positive thinking? and how incredibly well it works? in fandom terms particularly, it’s a life saviour - in life it’s can be a lot more of a struggle to remind yourself but yk we’re not getting that deep we’re just talking about a soap

i get that it sounds like bullshit, but it works for me literally every single time. i’ve found that complaining about things is literally giving voice to negative thoughts and giving voice to negative thoughts is giving power so that they can breed more negative thoughts and before you know it, you’re sinking down this weird self-made hole of sadness - and not only that, but it spreads to other people, because humans are like feelings sponges and we feed off other people’s emotions a lot - it’s hard to be the lone person feeling one way in a room of people feeling the other. it’s like subconscious peer pressure.

but then the opposite - looking at the positives, being as steadfast and determined and strict with yourselves to look at the good sides of everything, is fucking life changing. there are like one thousand and one ted talks on this - like, you wouldn’t believe how many damn ted talks there are. anyway, because i was in this weird mood this morning and reflecting on it, i watched one that used a quote from wayne dyer - “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

THIS IS SO EMBARRASINGLY DEEP FOR WHAT IS ESSENTIALLY A CONVERSATION ABOUT FLIPPIN EMMERDALE SPOILERS BUT IT’S TRUE OK 

it’s true. if i look at spoilers andlook for the positives and literally refuse to give voice to the negative, pullmyself back to the positives whenever i do, and beyond that encourage thatpositivity in others through humour or happy thoughts so that maybe it spreads - and if i do it enough times that it becomes natural to me, a natural response to anything and everything, then… well… everything gets a hell of a lot more fun and enjoyable and those things that maybe i once thought were negative and worrying somehow turn into positives. and that’s not me desperately trying to tell myself something is good - it just genuinely does become something that inspires good feelings in me, happiness and excitement and whatever. i can’t really explain how well it works - you have to experience it. but like now? now i literally fucking love that rob and rebecca had a one night stand lmao. like. i love that god damn story beat so much. it’s just about changing the way you look at things - so when i used to look at that scene, all i ever saw was jfc why i don’t actually want this - but after really and honestly thinking about it in every way, by about acknowledging that i can’t change it and then looking at it from every angle, i look at that scene now and i see the show committing to showing just how affect robert is about everything, and also playing out a soap trope in what is literally the most shippy way possible. i see a scene that is, perversely, entirely about robert’s love for aaron and also a scene that gives me a great look at who robert is as a character and the way he reacts in situations. 

it sounds ridiculous? like, it really god damn does, but like… actually, why does it matter if it sounds ridiculous if i’m having fun and hopefully making other people smile occasionally lmao

also, beyond this, i’m also all about accepting the things i cannot change - and the writing of emmerdale? that’s a thing i cannot change. so why fight it? why not just buckle in and enjoy the ride? what the hell else am i gonna do? 

so yeah, anyway, it’s not about paying dues or anything, it’s not about making us suffer for our crimes of loving too much lmaooo  - they’re just…. it’s a soap and they’re telling a story that ultimately has robert and aaron interacting regularly and still being stupidly in love and eventually reuniting properly. so all i can do and all i want to do is find ways to enjoy the journey - and this is true of every storyline ever. 

and the result of me giving as much voice as i can to the things i enjoy and literally just ignoring any thoughts i may have or thoughts other people have about what they don’t because i don’t find them helpful (sorry all other ppl i love you i just gotta do me) - is that what we’ve had so far has been so much fun for me. i enjoy aaron and robert interacting in a - in a way, very abuse era-esque manner, obviously in an entirely different context. like - they both want to be together but they can’t - and now the feelings are there but only tenfold and so their scenes always have that bubbling underneath. a little bit of subtextual love and angst is fun. yes i want them to get back together and make out and cuddle and all that good and lovely jazz but like… that’s not the only way to enjoy their scenes, i don’t think. why would anyone ever rewatch the lighter relationshippy aspects of the abuse storyline if it was?

like - the smitten kitten scene? maxine’s episode where they go to find sandra? rob dealing with aaron leaving to see family in ireland for a bit (#parallel) and literally just trying to get info about how he’s doing out of chas on a daily if not hourly basis? they weren’t together during any of that. so why do they need to be together as a couple to have amazing, wonderful scenes now? why does them being split up automatically mean we’re in for months of no robron at all? because that hasn’t been what i’ve seen so far and from everything that has been said, that isn’t what they seem to have in store for us going forward.

obviously, you know, you gotta do you etc etc but… yeah, this is literally my secret lmao. just… idk. it took me a long af time to learn this and i had to go through a lot of sadness to get there but… idk the idea of being sad about a soap all the time just isn’t something i’m interested in for a way to spend my free time. so i don’t spend it that way. 

basically, what i’m saying is, this isn’t just innately me, irrationally excited about all things ever. it’s something i learnt to do and it changed my god damn life for the better in every damn way.

(i think it does make me a horrible person to try and be salty with when it comes to plot or spoilers though because i will, with all the love and good intentions in the world, probably refuse to let a conversation wallow in that misery and probably change the subject to something happier in order to preserve the hard work i’ve done on myself)

idk idk hopefully this doesn’t sound like a flipping lecture or whatever but this ask just came at a hilariously appropriate time for where my head has been at this morning

[planettaeil]

Title: Dark Chocolate pt. 2

Title: Dark Chocolate 

Type: Fluff

Characters: Reader X Jaehyun

Word Count: 3, 018

A/N: help, I don’t know how to write fluff lmfao plus I listen to limitless and firetruck while writing this which is kinda the wrong song to listen to when you want to feel the fluffy emotion jfc. Also, it’s longer than what I’ve initially planned but, I hope yall enjoy this! Have fun!

Summary: It’s definitely not your fault that you’re allergic to chocolates. But the problem is, he doesn’t know about it at all.

part 1

It’s been two weeks since your secret admirer, as what Johnny would like to call it, stopped giving you boxes of dark chocolates. Even though it was what you thought you would like to happen, you somewhat felt lonely and weird now that the admirer had probably got tired or stopped liking you. You always find yourself looking forward to the time you’ll visit your locker, and still had a glimmer of hope that a box would still be inside waiting for you and possibly a note telling you why they’d stop for two weeks.

You’ve been trying to avoid admitting it to yourself but sometimes you can’t help but think about how much you miss receiving it and regretted how you kind of ignored it instead of trying to look for whoever’s trying to make you happy with their box of dark chocolate.

“Are you waiting for your book to come out by itself?” Johnny asked as he poked your arm and opened his own locker. “And you look like someone broke up with you,” he continued as he gave you a quick look, his eyes obviously trying to tell you to stop acting weird.

You snapped out of your train of thoughts and shook your head. “Thanks for subtly telling me that I look like shit.”

“And you look like shit. You’re welcome,” you sighed before opening your empty locker and took your Physics book and shoved the books and binders from your previous class. It felt like something’s missing every time you open your locker because you really got used to seeing the boxes almost sticking out when it’s too big or when it perfectly fits inside.

“Okay, stop with the forlorn look and just call whoever’s giving you these chocolates for the last five months.”

You rolled your eyes so hard you could almost see your brain rolling it’s on eyes at his suggestion, “Johnny, I would have done it before if I have their number, which is something I obviously do not have,” you sarcastically replied and both of you started heading to the school ground where you two used to eat lunch.

“Well….I may or may not have forgotten to inform you about the paper that I saw inside the last box of chocolate,” you abruptly stopped walking, which resulted to Johnny almost running you over with his last figure. You turned around, eyes as big as a saucer at what you just heard and looked up at him.

“You what?”

He took a few steps back and raised his hands in defense. “Yo, I got so busy these past two weeks that I forgot to tell you about the note inside the box-“

“You…what?”

“Well, I didn’t even know there was one if it weren’t for my cousin who saw the note,” he explained and you just kind of froze on your spot because of the thought that there’s a possibility of you meeting the person behind the expensive boxes of chocolate. You surely regretted not confronting the person before but now that there’s finally something that would help you meet him, you sure knew you won’t ever waste such chance.

“Are you serious? Johnny I’m not playing games with you.”

“(Y/N), I know that I joke around you and you probably don’t believe 99% of what I usually say but this time, I swear I’m telling you the truth,” you almost laugh at how serious Johnny looked while trying to defend himself. You knew he was telling the truth, you just can’t believe that there was finally a note inside. “This is the note that I’m talking about,” he took out a small piece of blue paper from his wallet and handed it to you.

East side, Building no. 4, 7th floor.

3rd door to the left.

11:30 am

Johnny took a peek and chuckled, “I bet he watches dramas. The location itself is so cliché.”

The boyish handwriting looked smudged and you read it again and again before looking up. “What if this is a prank? I swear to God I’m gonna punch someone,” you pursed your lips and looked at the building that the person wanted you to go. It was the science building, and according to the note, the person wanted to meet you at the rooftop. You don’t even know if you should go or not since it’s already been two weeks.

But trying won’t cost you anything.

“Why don’t you try and see it yourself? But y’know, (Y/N), I don’t want you to feel disappointed if you see no one there. What I’m trying to say is that, don’t get your hopes up for nothing and just come look for me after checking the place out,” he held your hand and his other free hand scratched his neck. “Wait, did that even made sense? God, you know that I’m not good with this type of things,” he chuckled and you playfully patted his head even though you struggled to reach it.

“Don’t worry, Johnny, you’re doing great,” you smiled, looking dearly at your best friend trying his best to give you an advice.

“But does that mean you’re skipping lunch again?” he inquired.

“Hmm…I guess so. But I’ll be back, don’t worry that much. And don’t try to eat my tuna sandwich or I’m cutting you!” With a huge smile on your face, you quickly ran to the direction of the 7-storey building with the crumpled blue note in your hand. You were pretty excited to say the least and you nearly cussed out loud when the only elevator in the building had a notice saying it wasn’t functioning anymore.

Your secret admirer might not be there right now but like what you’ve thought earlier, trying won’t cost you anything. You just want to see the person and thank him for all his effort and chocolates even though you’re allergic to it, and maybe also ask him why he went missing for two weeks.

With heavy feet, you headed to the stairs while you tried to catch your breath.

Ah, this is why I don’t use stairs, you complained.

When you finally reached the 7th floor, you glanced around the empty hallway and slowly opened the specific door in the note. It was quite windy and you found yourself wrapping your arms around you as you stepped outside, your thin long-sleeved shirt doing nothing to protect you from the slightly chilly wind. As expected, the rooftop was empty and you felt a bit disappointed even though you knew it would happen.

You waited and waited there for a few minutes, hoping someone would open the rusty huge door. When it was almost 12 noon, you thought it’s enough and should eat lunch with Johnny instead before you pass out because it really seemed like the person you’re waiting for will never come, and you kind of blame yourself for it. The thought of the person waiting for you on that day crossed your mind and you can’t help but feel genuinely sorry since it looked like you bailed out on them.

Ah, this is probably how he felt.

When you were about to round the corner, you heard a faint sound of guitar strumming inside the small auditorium where students usually do presentations. You thought that the students are probably having an activity inside but it’s oddly peaceful and quiet so you’re probably wrong.

You usually don’t care when it comes to other people’s business but the sweet strumming of the guitar and the soft, silvery voice that accompanied it pulled you in. You followed the sound and peeked through the door left ajar. It was dark and found no one inside.

How weird it is that even after a long time has passed

My heart keeps replaying that day

You found yourself so into the lyrics and the person’s voice. It was like honey gold, so smooth and full of emotions that you could almost feel it yourself. Not that you’re exaggerating or something but the voice was like the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard in your whole life.

If I close my eyes, my memories bring us back to that place

You attempted too slowly and quietly open the door so you could see who this person with golden voice was, but unfortunately the door made a loud creaking sound that resonated throughout the whole auditorium. The strumming stopped as well as the singing voice and you mentally punched yourself for disturbing him.

“Who’s there?” You had to adjust your eyes to the dark room and looked at where the person was seated. When you took a good look at the stage, you felt like your heart stopped beating for a millisecond. That blonde hair and soft look on his face made it very easy for you to know it was Jung Jaehyun.

He sporting a plain white shirt paired with black jeans and sneakers. It was the simplest attire he had ever wore but it still didn’t fail to make your knees weak at the sight.

“Ah….Jaehyun, I’m so sorry for disturbing you. I didn’t mean to-“

“What are you doing here?”

“I was…I heard you singing so I came here but I seriously didn’t mean to disturb you. I’m sorry. Just pretend you didn’t see me,” you bowed and opened the door, obviously trying not to show Jaehyun how much you panicked when you found out it was him.

“Oh no, it’s okay. You can….stay if you want,” you stopped yourself from eating your own fist at what you heard and you felt all the butterflies in your stomach went wild.

Jesus, I’m a mess. You thought.

You turned around and saw him just staring at you, his guitar sitting comfortably on his lap with the soft spotlight on the stage focusing on him, making him look painfully ethereal. You almost wanted to flee the scene to prevent any embarrassing things from happening but then you knew this kind of chance might never come again, so you smiled to yourself and took small steps towards the stage.

“What are you doing here, (Y/N)?” he asked, your name escaping from his lips sounded so foreign to your own ears. He noticed the distance between you two so he sweetly smiled and motioned you to move closer to the stage, or to him.

Didn’t he give you the look two weeks ago?

“Come on, no one’s around so we can freely use the auditorium.”

As instructed, you walked closer to him and sat on the nearest chair. He repositioned himself, his legs daggling off the edge of the stage. You looked up at him from your spot and felt your cheeks flushed when you caught him already staring at you. You cleared your throat before tucking your hair behind your ear, “I heard you singing earlier, and you really have a beautiful voice, Jaehyun.”

“Thanks,” was what he simply replied before putting down the guitar and ran his fingers through his blonde hair. The deafening silence that followed was making you feel awkward since you don’t know what else to say to him. You don’t want to leave yet, in fact, you’re willing to sit there for hours just looking at him if you’re given the chance.

“So uhm-“

“Did you happen to get the note I put inside the box?” he interjected and for the first time ever, you saw a very flustered Jung Jaehyun trying to look everywhere but you. You just sat there, trying to decipher what he said with your hand gripping the blue note.

No way. No fucking way.

He must’ve noticed the surprised look on your face as he nervously cleared his throat. “Uhm…if you still didn’t get it, it was me who put a blue note,” his left hand grabbed the neck of the guitar and played with it, still trying not to lock eyes with you as he thought you were burning holes on his face.

Well, he’s right as you just stared at him like he’s grown an extra pair of heads. It was hard for his words to sink into your brain since it was unbelievable that the Jung Jaehyun, the guy you’ve been crushing on since forever, basically confessed in front of you in a heartbeat.

“I…I’m actually here because of the note. I know it’s been two weeks already but…I still wanna try,” you cleared your throat and opened the crumpled blue note. “I honestly didn’t know it was you…I mean-“

“Does Johnny know you’re here?”

“Johnny? Uh, yes he does.”

He looked at you for a brief second before smiling to himself. “You know what, I think you need to go now before Johnny thinks someone took you,” he started to stand up before you can even reply or ask him what the hell is going on because everything seemed to move so fast.

“Jaehyun, were you really the one who kept on giving me chocolate boxes for the past five months?” you asked and refused to move on your seat. He stopped moving and faced you with a kind of smile you couldn’t quite decipher.

“Yeah…but I didn’t know you’re already seeing someone so….I had to stop hoping before everything gets complicated,” he explained and you almost choke on air. This is definitely not the kind of thing you’ve expected before. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’d like to apologize for being rude the last time we met and for disturbing you with my chocolate.”

You raised your hand to stop him from putting words into your mouth and weirdly looked at him. What’s with him acting so strange? Why is he assuming things even without trying to ask what the truth is?

“Jaehyun, wait. I don’t think you understand the situation. Firstly, why are you so concerned about Johnny? He has nothing to do with this as far as I can remember. Secondly, just…please stop assuming things. Thirdly, I want you to clearly tell me what you want to say,” you stood up and went to the edge of the stage to look up at him. He took a very deep breath before looking at you straight in the eyes, your heart skipping a beat with every second.

“I like you, (Y/N). I like you so much,” he finally confessed.

And with that, everything that happened for the past five months replayed in your mind. All the expensive boxes of dark chocolates that you’re allergic to and the blue note were from him, the very guy you won’t ever thought would do such thing. After all this time, you two felt the same way yet very stupid not to make a move.

“(Y/N), you have no idea how much I like you,” you put a hand on your left chest, trying to calm your heart which threatened to jump out of your chest. You just couldn’t believe that the Jung Jaehyun said that he likes you. “And if I were to be completely honest, seeing Johnny around you makes me so jealous. I know we aren’t close but it’s like I want to keep you for myself only.”

“Johnny is my best friend, of course he has to be around me most of the time,” you almost whispered.

“He’s just a best friend?” he questioned but you could tell how much he hesitated on that one.

He cleared his throat to catch your attention and you had to shake your head to gain the confidence that you need for what you’re going to say.

“Jaehyun, I like you too so much. Jesus, I’ve liked you since the first time I saw you and that was during freshman year,” you could feel the blood rushed to your cheeks at your unplanned confession. You’ve imagined yourself confessing to him before but now that you finally did it, it felt so weird.

But it’s even weirder that you knew about him liking you too.

As dramatic as it sounds, it felt like a dream. I mean, you’ve almost thought this kind of thing never existed.

“Well shit. I’ve liked you since freshman year too,” the look on his face when he looked at you was too funny, his eyes so wide with his lips trying not to break into a smile with the sudden realization that he had.

You both looked into each other’s eyes and like some sort of telepathy, you both burst into laughter now that you two realized how stupid you really were for keeping your feelings for each other. Who would have thought that Jaehyun liked you since freshman year too?

“This is honestly the best yet most stupid thing I’ve ever done in my whole life. I regret not confessing to you right away instead of sending you those chocolates,” by this time, he was back to his original spot, both his legs now in front of you. He was smiling down at you, a shy yet very beautiful smile on his face. The dimples on each side of his cheeks were prominent and you could literally feel yourself sighing dreamily at the sight.

To say that he looked absolutely breathtaking was an understatement. How could someone look so beautiful under this faint light with a huge smile on his face only dedicated to you?

“I honestly didn’t think you’d like me too.”

He took the guitar again and positioned himself, a whole new energy and confidence present in him. With a loving look on his face, he strummed the guitar and said, “Would you like to hear the song that I wrote for you?”

You nodded your head, absolutely ecstatic to hear Jaehyun singing only for you. You went to the stage to join and finally be close to him, mimicking his position before turning your head to watch him.

God, he’s beautiful.

He played the same soft song you heard earlier, each strum making more emotions than earlier.

“Jaehyun?”

“Yeah?”                                                                        

“I’m allergic to chocolates.”

Who would’ve have thought that your allergy to chocolates would result to such chaotic yet beautiful confession?

[njmphadora]

Ok, long ramble here it goes: so yesterday I didn't have class, which resulted in me waking up at 1pm (as I usually do when I don't have school) I made 2 edits and finished my 1.7k celebration(so + 1 very shitty moodboard), which I had never done before, bc I usually don't have time for edits, and I quite like them, even though I know they aren't great, but I'm sorta proud I guess (also I forgot to paint over some of the background thingy that remains when you remove it on fred's knee) jfc: pt 1

okay the rest of your messages & my response is under the cut!

But I didn’t realize it until I had already posted it, which kinda sucks, but oh well, so I just edited the post and put them side by side instead of one on top of the other, fortunately I had no issues (I think) with the nancy edit, which is great, and also my jily edit is very few away from 500 notes, which will be the first time an edit I actually like has 500 notes (there’s this moodboard that I made and it freaks me out bc it has more than 4k notes and what the hell?? It’s shit lmao) pt. 2And speaking of things getting to things, I’m 3 away from 2.2k (and I was 12 away on wednesday, but then I said smth stupid and like 50 people said ‘I’m done with this bitch’ and left, but I’m gonna forget about that and celebrate 2.2k with people that don’t care when I say smth stupid or offensive or whatever when I don’t mean to make anyone feel bad, I’m gonna stop talking about that now, pls don’t ask, so I might make a bday page to celebrate 2.2k or maybe a q&a night pt.3Or answer questions with audio or video or gifs??? Idk, I’m gonna think about it, what do you think?? Also it’s 5am now and I haven’t had any sleep, but I’m not even that sleepy, and lmao I’ve never gotten to more than 2 parts, but this time it has been 4 parts and it’s awesome, you asked for long rambles, u gots some long rambles I ALMOST FORGOT!! TODAY I DON’T HAVE SOCIAL WORK THING!! WHICH MEANS I CAN SLEEEEPPP (even though it seems like I might just not…)

OKAY so i know i asked for long but this was longggg. so let me go through it bit by bit (also i didn’t know if this was a private thing or not but fuck it i’m posting it so i can always read over your rambles when i get lonely first of all CONGRATS ON FINISHING A CELEBRATION omg i’m so freaking jealous i’m so backtracked with all of my edits and celebrations dsufndsjfn. i feel terrible about it but i’m on like 3.3k and i’m still working through my 1.5k celebrations xD which is ridiculous and i feel so so bad but i made some progress yesterday too so i’m proud of myself for that. also i saw your edits and i loved them!!! they’re so original and interesting and cool :))))also i think your jily edit is in my queue?!! or i already posted it?!! did i already post it?!! if i did then i’ll post it again because LET’S GET IT TO 500 YOU DESERVE IT. also holyshit which moodboard has 4k notes?!!! that’s incredible omfg !!!!!also i saw that you were close to your next milestone!!! i’m so excited for you!!! i caught like glimmers of what happened the other day and think i know what it was but i won’t ask for deets dw. i just wanna say not to worry at all. we all say things and we all think things and we don’t have perfect brains. the important thing is that we learn. if we say something rude and just stick with it then obviously that’s not good but if we say something bad and then realise when people tell us then that’s learning and growing and developing and that’s important & anyone who unfollowed u because of that is a fool.birthday pages are cool btw but a lotttt of work so be prepared for that if you do it !!! but i love the q&a night suggestion a lot omggggggg (we should do one together sometime?!!?!!!)also lmao you’ll probs crash like hell later today i wish u luck for that but honestly if anyone can survive on 0 sleep i’m betting it’s you :))))