#jezza's not impressed

[ninjaofthepurplethings]

Someone very kindly gifted Jezza and Trigger a Brain Enhancement machine as a wedding present. Jezza tried it out and was hugely "impressed".

[blubushie]

Is there a particular way Aussie nicknames for someone work? Are they only for certain names? (John to Johnno, Michael to Mick, ect)

They usually consist of altering the name with an "-o" or "-za."

In the "-o" category we have these. This ending is more common with male names.

Brandon → Branno

John/John → Jonno/Johnno (OR Jack → Jacko)

Steve → Stevo

Daniel → Dan → Danno

Richard → Rick → Ricko/Rico

Nicholas → Nick → Nicko/Nico

In the "-za" category we have these. This ending is more common with female names.

Jeremy → Jez/Jezza

Sharon → Shazza

Lawrence/Laurence → Lozza

Teresa → Tezza

Harry → Hazza

Daryl/Darren → Daz → Dazza

Cheryl → Chezza

And for some unspecified alterations:

Anything that starts with "Mc" → Macca (for examples, if you were to go to McDonald's, in Australia you'd say you're heading to Macca's)

Eric → Ecka/Ekka

Evan → Evs

Jacqueline → Jacks

Julia/Julian → Jules

Michael → Mickey → Mick

Generally Australia hates the concept of long "titles." Anything beyond a polite "sir" or "ma'am" means you're being relegated to a nickname, especially if you're a person of authority because Aussies hate authority (to be expected from the descendants of convicts, ay?) Anything from professors to pollies use their first names, or hypocoristic nicknames. For example, our former PM Scott Morrison was called Scomo both by the people, in person, and even in the press. The higher your authority, the more likely we are to knock you down a peg to be closer to the Common People by giving you a nickname.

Sometimes however nicknames are hard to do. My birth name wasn't that impressive as Joe, so growing up I was called Joey. As I got older Joey stopped being used as it was too infantilising for me, so people defaulted on the nickname I'd had growing up: Blue, which is an Australian slang term for a redhead. I was a strawberry blonde for most of my life up until around puberty, so I was deemed Blue growing up until we realised I'm not actually a ginger and just a really bright reddish blonde. It's darkened to a dirty blonde but the nickname stuck, and now it's my actual name after the whole dehydration incident.

[fuckyeahjeremyclarkson]

[tostarsabove]

v: spinning out

spinning out au. james has been skating since he could walk. his entire life he’s trained to take home the gold in the olympics pair skating. his parents own a skating rink and winter resort where he’s spent every spare moment training. off the ice, his parents are over-bearing and controlling, often cruel if he ever messes up or doesn’t reach the podium. but they also throw whatever money necessary to acquire the best trainers, choreographers, costumers, etc.

in all other aspects, he despises his parents and actively tries to ignore or irritate them. but in skating...on the ice is the only place he has ever felt free to be exactly who he is. the only trouble is, he’s never quite found the partner to keep up with him. jezza is his on and off again teammate. she’s spoiled, demanding, and technically impressive but lacks the emotion and elegance to match james. 

so, when a timely injury takes her off the ice for months, he has the perfect opportunity to find the one he’s been searching for (spoiler, it’s amelia).

[universitychallenged]

University Challenge 2017/18, Episode 33: Review

Bristol: 60

Edinburgh: 195

Only caught up with last week’s episode last night - what a great one, and HIDEOUSLY close! Loads of choice moments: Captain ‘Stern Pixie’ Oxlade answering the French-Queens-In-England bonus round in quick succession while his Fitzwilliam bros giggled around him; Maloney, clad in natty 1950s ‘Mad Men on Vacation’ shirt, doing a mock fist-pump as Jez introduced a bonus round on perpendicular architecture; me getting the twice-annual Brueghel the Elder question right; Emmanuel’s James Fraser correctly answering a question with the answer ‘JAMES FRASER,’ which surely is peak UniChall. So sorry to see Emmanuel go, damnit! I can only assume that Captain Mistlin’s appalling choice in suit and tie was a factor.

This episode was a bit of a damp squib in comparison, but at least Edinburgh showed their mettle again! Look, some of them are Caledonians, so I’m allowed to be biased.

Team Vibe:

Bristol: a bit meek

Edinburgh: a bit less meek

Grandad Count: No granddads here! Only people either side of 20.

Gender Diversity Count: Blah, one a piece, blah. I am increasingly worried about the girl count in the final. It’s like there’s a trapdoor for girls the nearer we get to it.

Style News: GAH! Over on the right, Edinburgh have magically transported back in time to 2002 and done a midnight raid in Gap. Captain Carson and Stone have had some pastel-pale material made into a polo shirt and a shirt. The only thing worse than a polo shirt is a rugby shirt, which is sported by Captain Hosegood. It’s over to Bristol’s Bowes to save the day with his customary waistcoat, as if he’s auditioning for Fantastic Mr Fox the live action version. I think I’m going to matchmake him with Merton’s Captain Woodland.

Cult Hero Of The Episode: Music student Bowes made up for his earlier episode gaffe of suggesting that Anna Meredith might be Harrison Birtwistle, with a raft of correct answers in an otherwise somnolent Bristol side. But let’s give it Captain Carson for leading his team into the breach! Loads of correct answers, if agonisingly long conferring over Chinese UNESCO sites.

Handsome Person of the Episode: Stone of Edinburgh, sort those pigtails out! You’re starting to look like all of Malory Towers! Ahh, even though Heaton-Armstrong has ruined his early style promise, he still looks willowy and delicate and something that should be fashioned in marble. I particularly enjoyed his Scots burrrrr when he correctly answered ‘Aryan,’ haha.

Jezza Watch: He was bizarrely impressed with Edinburgh getting Tristan and Isolde, which even I GOT. ‘That is absolutely right!’ he beamed, alarmingly.

Horror Round: A long question about something to the power of 10, with examples, ended with ’How many mili paschals are there in one bar?” I misheard it as mini Pascales and tried to make a joke about small French men and drinking.

Dream Bonus Question Round: Errr, the opera round.

Regular Classical Fail By Composition PhD-owning Composer, Kerry Andrew: ZERO classical fails, bruv! I wailed and gnashed my teeth as Jez said the words ‘bonus round’ and ‘opera’, but then lo! We got 4/4 because even I know Madame Butterfly when I hear it (OK, Andy got La Traviata).

Kerry and Andy’s Score: A miserable, miserly, dreadful (apart from the opera!) 10. URGH.

Brain Food: Roast vegetable surprise with brown rice.

Tweets of the Day:

Please feel free to share, retweet, etc. I’m mostly a musician but a writer now too, and every little helps. Look! I wrote a novel which has just been published!

[numberplates4u-blog]

Jeremy Clarkson Picks Top 5 Favorite Cars of 2018

It’s hard to impress Jeremy Clarkson and these cars have managed to do just that in 2018. Take a good look at the machines which made Jezza smile! Jeremy Clarkson has listed out the 5 best cars of 2018 in a write-up on The Sunday Times Driving. And we can’t seem to find any of […] The post Jeremy Clarkson Picks Top 5 Favorite Cars of 2018 appeared first on The Supercar Blog.

https://www.thesupercarblog.com/jeremy-clarkson-picks-top-5-favorite-cars-2018/

[bloggerblagger]

80) June 8th. National nose-holding day.

Six days to go to the general election.  And a choice between the completely unappealing and the utterly hopeless. In the blue corner, Theresa May, who, at the very least, has shown herself to be a totally incompetent campaigner and who has managed to chuck away the one card she had. Before she called the election she may have been stiff and awkward but at least she seemed resolute. Now she seems  as though she can be blown over with a puff of wind and she looks like a coward. It all started so well. Her social care plan had merit, it seemed to me. As I understood it, a person receiving  care would be able to live at home until they died but expected to contribute towards their care if they could afford it. Being able to afford it meant having assets, including the value of their home, above £100,000. If their only remaining asset was their home, the cost of treatment would be collected from its sale after they died. No-one would have to leave their home until they were carried out feet first. And once that threshold of £100,000 was  reached, the state would pay for everything after that. In other words, it was a kind of targeted inheritance tax but the last hundred thousand would not be taken.That much, it was guaranteed, could be passed on to whomever it was left to. Michael Portillo, someone with whom I rarely agree, nailed it on ‘This Week’. This, he said, was basically a tax on fifty and sixty year olds who would have expected to have inherited more. But why should  taxpayers, who have nothing themselves, subsidise  the inheritances of other people whose parents had the means to pay for themselves? Why should the young  who rightfully complain than they cannot afford to buy a home of their own be paying taxes so that  older people, who probably already own a property,  can inherit their parents’ houses too? But then…. Yes, their were aspects of the plan that were unfair. Why should cancer treatment be free but  dementia effectively be taxed? And why should some people, who have saved and been responsible,  have to pay when others who have been feckless and wasteful don’t? But there are going to be problems and inconsistencies with any policy. The cost of caring for the chronically sick elderly is exploding and something has to be done to contain it. Her plan, if not perfect, was bold and meant that the benefits  of the crazy rise in property prices  would be spread around; effectively it was to be a redistributive tax, the kind of thing of which Labour always claim to be so fond. If  properly and clearly explained, it was defensible. And in some ways more than defensible.  £100,000 is more than four times as much as the £23,500 anyone who goes into residential care  may currently keep. They too, as I understand it, would no longer be charged once they were down to their last £100,000. But the Conservatives didn’t explain it properly.  They allowed their opponents to brand it as the ‘dementia tax’ and within days Mrs.May was tainted by the acrid stink of the handbrake turn. From bad to worse. Then came the Great  Debate cock-up. Jeremy Corbyn didn’t have to do anything special to make her failure to attend look like cowardice. He just had to turn up. The moment she took the decision not to debate him one on one, she opened herself up to this. In my view, in the modern world, a politician has a clear, unambiguous, democratic and  moral duty to engage in public TV debate.  It’s true that the seven-up format is, in a sense, unfair, with the leaders of everyone but the Monster Raving Loonies attending even though five of them  haven’t a prayer of forming a government. The incumbent leader, being the only one with a record to defend,  is inevitably going to be attacked from six directions and ganged up on.  On the other hand, Mrs.May would have had the natural authority of being the incumbent. Still, she could have successfully avoided all this if she had agreed to go womano a mano with the sainted Jezza.  It was her refusal to do even that that was her big mistake. Frankly I become less impressed by Mrs. May by the minute. And I loathe half the cabinet. Actually both halves. I would rather have a drink with Piers Morgan than vote for these Conservatives. And yet. And yet the prospect of Corbyn and McDonnell and Abbott running the country is worse. I do not believe for an instant that the Labour manifesto sums add up. They claim that it will only be the top 5% of earners and corporations who will pay more tax, but my strong suspicion is that will not cover the free tuition fees and the nursery school places and the pension triple lock and the extra 10,000 policemen and all the money the NHS needs. No matter what they may say,  one way or another, many, many more will be deemed to have ‘the broadest shoulders’. One simple example; they want to raise Capital Gains Tax back to 28% from the 20% it is now. Who would be adversely affected by that? Amongst many others, those  who own stocks and shares. Who owns stocks and shares? Not just the mega rich, not just bankers, but absolutely anyone with a private pension because it is in stocks and shares that their  pension funds are invested. Whatever happened to…? Something else. There is an omission from the Labour Manifesto which I find particularly curious. I can find no specific mention  of any kind of asset tax. No wealth tax. No mansion tax. Yet this is has always been a central plank of John  McDonnell’s plans. Check this article out in the FT published as recently as December 2016. https://www.ft.com/content/fe98b944-83ea-11e6-a29c-6e7d9515ad15 You will see this; ‘Mr McDonnell pledged……..a new wealth tax’. And according to the Daily Telegraph, ‘when speaking on the BBC's Andrew Marr show in October 2015, he  (John McDonnell) confirmed that he wanted a wealth tax. Here’s the link: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/03/09/revealed-john-mcdonnell-calls-20-per-cent-wealth-tax-richest/ Embedded in  the same article there is a video of John McDonnell in 2012 giving a speech in which he says the 10% with the greatest wealth should pay a 20% wealth tax. (Needless to say the people  most affected would be those living in  London and the South East. According to the Office of National Statistics in 2012, out of the nine regions of mainland Britain these two accounted for 28% of the households in the top 10%.) So why is there no mention of the wealth tax in the Labour manifesto? Has John McDonnell given up on the idea? Given his lifelong  Marxist tendancies, do you really believe that is likely? Or would you hazard a guess that it might surface once again should Labour win the election? Finally, there is the memory of where traditional Labour policies have got us in the past. If you are under 60 you won’t remember the seventies, but if you do, the prospect of the repealing of trade union laws and wholesale nationalisation and increased state meddling in the economy may not fill you with enthusiasm. if Labour were to win, the  prospect of the IMF having to bail us out  in a couple of years does not strike me as far-fetched. In short, I would rather have lunch with Piers Morgan than vote for this Labour party. And my vote goes to: So this is where I have come out. If, on the eve of the election the polls suggest that the Conservatives are 10 points ahead, I shall vote Lib Dem. As feeble as Farron seems, I am an unreconstructed Remoaner and the Lib Dems are clearly the most pro  European choice. I live in the 35th most marginal seat in the country, Hampstead and Kilburn, a very pro-Remain constituency  and there is an outside chance the Lib Dems might win. But I concede this is a cowardly and hypocritical  choice. I will only vote  Lib Dem if I am sure the Conservatives will ultimately triumph. The idea of having a drink with Piers Morgan might  make my skin crawl but better that than having to spend a whole lunchtime with him.

[sorry-im-late-again]

Revolve 31- Les Misérables 23/2/17

Les Mis last night… first off wow! It was the most amazing, emotional and captivating show and cast I have ever seen!

So I should probably get into it by saying that during my show, Sophie Reeves was on as Fantine, Jonny Purchase as Enjolras, Lee Van Geleen as the Factory Foreman and Andy Conaghan was on as Grantaire. All five swings were on as well, because Steffan Harri, Josie Kemp and Adam Bayjou were all off. Holly Anne Hull was listed to be on but I don’t think she was, though I can’t be sure for definite. Also I’m going to try and be as brief as possible because I don’t want this to be too long.

To start with the principals, I was very impressed with the vast majority of them.

Simon Gleeson, Oh my Goodness Simon Gleeson. He was absolutely excellent, from the moment of the prologue when he opens his mouth for the first time right up until the final bows he just did not fail to be amazing. He did what a Valjean should do and more, he was captivating, raw and amazing and was also such a lovely lovely person at stage door! His soliloquy was fantastically raw and wonderful and right through he was consistently excellent. He’s not a Valjean you want to miss because as far as I’m concerned he’s the best Valjeans Les Mis has seen in years.

On to Hayden Tee. He was a very good Javert, he was gruff, angry yet the emotion in stars and Javert’s suicide was excellent. I liked the interaction between him and Valjean when valjean arrives at the barricade and I really couldn’t have complained. His Javert is fresh and new and I’m delighted he took over from Jeremy Secombe. He’s also only there until April so you should definitely do what you can to catch him. He isn't Jeremy and I definitely prefer Jezza but Tee is a good stand in

Okay so, Sophie Reeves. I had been looking forward to seeing Lucy O Byrne because I was very proud to see an Irish Fantine, however Sophie Reeves was very good. She was the right amount of timid in the factory scene and her deterioration from lovely ladies to her death was heartbreaking. Her Come to Me had me in tears, it was incredibly moving. Her I dreamed a dream wasn't the highlight of her performance for me but it was still good

Katy Secomb is well used to the role of Madame T now, and I enjoyed her performance, particularly with this year’s Thenardier, David Langham who is so tall but very good at the role.

Hollie O Donoghue is a good Eponine. She absolutely looks the part, the photos don’t do it justice. She’s good, I had no problem with her interpretation of the role but there's lots of scope for improvement. She’s not the feistiest Eponine ever but her feistiness is still present at times, especially in her interactions with Montparnasse. Her interactions with Marius and her lines relating to him with heartbreaking though they were a little too friendly. She rushes a lot of her lines which I didn't love but She definitely is good at her role and I can see her continuing to improve. She is a hundred times better than Carrie H Fletcher but I preferred Eva

Charlotte Kennedy is undeniably one of my favourite Cosettes. I’m happy to see a dark Cosette as well because I thibk it looks wonderful with her green garden dress. Her In My life is one of my absolute favourites and i am absolutely delighted she took over from Zoe Doano.

It’s no secret that I am a massive fan of Jonny Purchase. I adored his Joly and his Marius. I never saw his Combeferre but I’m quite thankful I missed it because I’ve heard nothing but bad stuff lol. However despite being a big fan I can’t pretend I wasn’t slightly disappointed that Chris Cowley wasn’t on, but only because I have heard so so much about his wonderful performance. However Jonny made me regret that disappointed. He was an absolutely fantastic Enjolras. He was fiery, passionate, dedicated to his cause and easy on the eyes. His vocals are very good and his interaction with the poor was great in Paris. He was perfect in ABC cafe. He was respected by his peers and I just really enjoyed his performance overall. At stage door he joked about his wig being awful but I didn’t mind it either. He was just excellent and I could say so much more but this is so so long already.

As for Marius, I enjoyed Paul Wilkinson’s performance however I had a few small issues. Not that he wasn’t good, he was very good, just that I didn’t find he stuck out to me as much as I had expected. He blended in with the other students a little more than A Marius should l think. However he looks nice, his vocals were amazing and I loved his reactions to Eponine’s death. He was heartbroken at her death and help her in his arms for the longest time, even after her body was carried away he stayed by himself for a bit and cried until he was comforted by Grantaire and then Valjean arrived at the Barricade. I do like to see a Marius actually effected by Eponine’s death even if it’s not strictly accurate to the brick. It was heartbreaking and wonderful and I think I’m just really greedy because he was an excellent Marius. I liked him better than Craig Mather and I am really glad he’s back, I just thought he was going to be a new favourite based on audios I’d heard. However his Empty chairs was lovely vocally and emotionally

Okay so on to the students and I’ll try so so hard to keep this brief. So to start with Combeferre, I was absolutely gutted to discover Steffan Harri wasn’t on because I was so looking forward to seeing him. However Danny Whitehead was an excellent Combeferre, if perhaps a little small and slight. I still really liked his performance. He was calm and collected and just very good. He was very dedicated to the cause In ABC and I enjoyed him. Will Jennings was a wonderful Courfeyrac, and I reckon he’d make a wonderful Bamatabois when he’s on. At the start of Red and Black he was completely delighted to hear about Marius’ new found love interest which I was happy to see at last, however he rightly got sick of hearing it and turned back to the cause quickly. His voice is different but sounds great and his ‘And if I should die in the fight to be free, where the fighting is hardest there will I be’ was one of the best delivered lines of the show. I would have loved to see him as Bamatabois. Vinny Coyle is an excellent Feuilly and I was happy to see him on. He looked the part and he sounded amazing. He handled all of the lines very well, his ‘they can come.if they dare, we’ll be there’ actually gave me goosebumps he was excellent and I would love to see him take over the role (However I don’t want Jonny to leave) He’s also excellent when he’s in the ensemble. He was absolutely brilliant in Master of the House and He looked like he was having the time of his life in The Wedding. All in All Vinny Coyle is an excellent edition to the cast and I am so glad he’s part of it. Felix Mosse could catch anyone’s eye. He’s a wonderful Jean Prouvaire and he looks how I imagine a Prouvaire should look. He’s dreamy, wonderful and his voice is smooth and just lovely and His flag waving was very good. He caught my eye constantly during Lovely Ladies and he makes a wonderful pimp, and it’s probably my favourite version of the role I’ve seen. I am 100% positive he makes a wonderful Marius and I hope he gets promoted to principal Marius at some point just cause I know he’ll be excellent. Simon Lynch was an absolutely fantastic Joly. He was sweet, scared and I just don’t think I could find too may faults with him. He was scared at the barricade, particularly during drink with me there was evident nerves and I got the impression he’s a lovely Marius. As I said above, Andy Conaghan was on for Grantaire and he was also very good. His Drink with me broke me, he addressed all the student until Jonny ran down the barricade to have ‘Is your life just one more lie’ sung to him. They embraced almost straight away after the line before they sat down and talked and it was all very lovely. There was very nice chemistry between Jonny and Andy and it made me very happy. Lee Van Geleen is still playing Lesgle which doesnt showcase his talent properly however he was also on as The Factory Foreman and he was very very good and I was delighted to finally see the moustache. Anthony Hansen is obviously a bit of an older Montparnasse but he portrays him very well. His interactions with Eponine were great and I’m pretty positive he makes a good Bishop too. Adam Pearce’s Bamatabois is as weird as ever but I can’t deny I love his stage presence and it’d be a different show without him. Oli Brennan is consistently excellent as a swing and was on for Bayjou. I don’t think there’s much to say other than he was great as per.

Now on with the female ensemble, they were very good. I loved Samantha Thomas in the role of Madeline last night and Kayleigh Mcknight was an excellent factory girl with just the perfect level of bitchiness! Tamsin didn’t disappoint, Lucyelle was very good, Aimee Fisher was excellent and I was particularly impressed by Lauren Soley . Turning was actually enjoyable and Lovely Ladies was very very good i was disappointed with the lack of Josie Kemp because she was off..

Additional notes: I actually really loved Master of the House, the little Gavroche was positively hilarious and the little girls were so so sweet, and it was my absolute favourite version of ABC I’ve seen ever, bec

All in all it was an excellent performance with a spectacular cast, the best in years I believe and you definitely should not miss Revolve 31!

[albinohare]

Jeremy Clarkson Picks Top 5 Favorite Cars of 2018

It’s hard to impress Jeremy Clarkson and these cars have managed to do just that in 2018. Take a good look at the machines which made Jezza smile! Jeremy Clarkson has listed out the 5 best cars of 2018 in a write-up on The Sunday Times Driving. And we can’t seem to find any of […]

The post Jeremy Clarkson Picks Top 5 Favorite Cars of 2018 appeared first on The Supercar Blog.

Source Birkin bag for sale Authentic Luxury Hermès Bag at www.crocodilesbag.com

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[ninjaofthepurplethings]

Jezza had fun on the bucking bronco but was less than impressed with the male dancer.

[ellianderjoy]

my family and other oddities

it has been my honour and privilege all my life to belong to a family just as weird, sarcastic and downright nerdy as I am myself. their various exploits, adventures and mishaps are varied and impressive and have shaped much of my life. 

for a start, there is my mother. I start with her because she is, in many ways, the strangest of us all. my mother was born in small-town new south wales a.k.a the middle of butt-ass nowhere. her dad was a pharmacist/farmer and she and her younger siblings made their own fun, as far as I can tell, by repeatedly trying to kill one another (one favourite anecdote involves the use of fluorescent light tubes as light sabres).

in many ways, however, the woman that she is now is unrecognisable from her childhood. my mother dresses like a cross between professor trelawney in the harry potter movies and a kindergartener. every item of clothing that she owns is stretchy. she has a pixie cut that is dyed in streaks of rainbow on top. my mother is a madwoman and a hardass. she works in IT and owns two beehives which are named Cleopatra and Daenerys after, and I quote, ‘bad-ass queens’. I love her with my entire being. 

then there is my dad. if my mother was and will ever continue to be a firecracker, my dad is by comparison quite reserved. he is by my estimation the nerdiest of us all, with a phd in physics to prove it. he is also the most incredibly sarcastic fucker I have ever met in my entire goddamn life. ‘michelle,’ he will say, as my mother holds forth increasingly loudly about the legalisation of euthanasia across the dinner table, ‘could you talk a little louder please, we can’t quite hear you.’ ‘what?’ mum will ask, loudly, as my father gives me a look of quiet suffering that sends me over the edge from muffled giggles to inescapable hysteria. ‘what are you laughing about?’

when she finally catches on that we are making fun of her, mum will stick her tongue out at us, as dad laughs his machiavellian laugh. needless to say, my friends all find our family dinners endlessly amusing. 

the next person of note is my younger brother. he is, as my mother once eloquently put it, ‘a little bit on-the-spectrum-y’, which is to say, brilliant, funny and terrible at interpreting social cues. he once told me that I ‘look[ed] like a disney princess’, and when I replied with ‘aw, thanks’ he cocked his head and said ‘not in like a nice way, you just look like one of them but I don’t know which one. in hindsight I should have known better than to reply. 

the funniest thing that my brother has ever done, and the memory of him that will probably stick in my mind until I am old, and gently spiralling into the land of dementia, and is also one of my most treasured memories in general is as follows. somewhere around the summer of 2005 or maybe 2007, we were playing in the street with the various neighbour kids. somebody suggested a rousing game of marco-polo which we were enjoying with limited success as half the participants didn’t really understand the rules due to being under the age of six. regardless, we persevered. in order to make it fair, the kid who was being blindfolded was spun in several circles before the game began - now I know what you are thinking but let me finish. at some point this evolved into one of the older kids picking up the blindfolded kid (at this point in time, my wonderful brother) and spinning them. this was all well and good, until my brother was picked up for the second time to be spun and let out the loudest fart I have ever heard in my twenty two years on earth. he was immediately dropped in disgust and removed his blindfold to the sight of us all rolling on the grass in mirth. 

(my second favourite thing my brother has ever done is ‘accidentally’ swallowed a plastic fork. he still gets mad anytime we laugh about it and insists that it was an accident and he can’t be blamed.)

in addition to my three immediate family members, we have through my life had a few other relatives live with us for various periods of time that deserve at the very least honourable mentions.

the most important of these is my uncle jeremy, who lived with us from before I can really remember until I was around fifteen years old. dear uncle jeremy was a raging alcoholic with more mental health issues than any other human being I have ever known. he smoked like a manic, was the reason the only alcohol my parents kept in the house was cooking brandy, and my brother and I thought he was equal parts crazy and amazing. 

during jezzas more lucid moments he would work as a freelancer for various techy companies or directly for my parents in order to pay them some sort of rent, however these jobs generally only lasted for short periods of time before he would disappear into his bedroom for weeks or months, emerging only at night to play world of warcraft with his mostly american guild. looking back as an adult I recognise how depressing and weird this is, but as a child he held somewhat of a mystical appeal. friends would ask me, ‘whats in that room?’ ‘my uncle,’ I would reply, ‘he’s kinda like a vampire who plays video games.’

uncle jeremy was my mums youngest sibling, and between them came my aunt penny who has lived a varied life of mishap and adventure. she briefly married and popped out two kids whilst gaining her marketing degree in her younger years, but has since transformed into a hippie eco-warrior who has terrifyingly strong opinions and this year announced she is selling her farm to roam about the countryside helping people with her current partner who, to my endless confusion, has the same first name as her first husband. she is, to use a polite term, a character. 

one part of aunt penny’s rocky past was a relationship with a pretty terrible man who ended up (in short) burning down their house amongst other horrible things. it was at this time that she came and lived with us, thankfully after uncle jeremy had left us to go meet up with his online girlfriend in canada (a relationship which, to the endless surprise of all, did not flourish). her stay was brief (a month or few, I can’t remember exactly), but impactful. she bought me an essential oil diffuser and scarred me forever by picking me up from school two days into trying to quit smoking, shaking furiously as she gripped the steering wheel like a life preserver. I was actually quite sad when she moved out. 

the final piece of the puzzle, but by no means the least important is my sort-of-adopted-sister. technically bella is my cousin, the daughter of my aunt penny and her first husband. however, after several dramatic events (nobody died don’t worry) she ended up moving in with my family a few years ago. this proved to be a pivotal event in the lives of at least half a dozen people, several of them not directly related to the family. 

bella is, for better or for worse, an incredibly charismatic person. since the age of three, I have memories of her holding the attention of rooms full of adults. she’s also lived a pretty turbulent life. around a year after she moved in with us, my mother decided that we needed to get family photos taken. to this day, I am still not quite sure what prompted this, but my mother being my mother, once she had set her mind on it, it was as good as done. getting those photos done was a traumatic experience I don’t have space to recount here, but at no point was there any doubt that bella would not be included. we took a few pictures of the four of us without her, but we took pictures of basically every other combination too. and when it came time to pick which photo would make it all the way - be printed on the largest stretched canvas frame possible in quasi-life-sized glory - there was no question that it would be one with all five of us in it. 

so I guess the moral of the story is that whilst my family is undeniably odd, dysfunctional and ridiculous we also love each other a heck of a lot. or we try to at least. 

[fashiontrendin-blog]

This woman’s mugshot is going viral for being so damn glamorous

https://fashion-trendin.com/this-womans-mugshot-is-going-viral-for-being-so-damn-glamorous/

This woman’s mugshot is going viral for being so damn glamorous

Remember when Jeremy Meeks went viral for being the ‘hot felon’, and everyone lost their damn minds?

Now out of prison, he’s pursuing a modelling career and it’s safe to say, he’s living the high life.

The strange turn of fate worked out pretty well for Jezza, but could Marshala Perkin be following in his footsteps?

The self-taught makeup artist’s mugshot recently went viral, because people were DESPERATE for a makeup tutorial.

The Twitter account Mugshot Baes posted the photo, and a few months later, it gained hundreds of thousands of likes and retweets. Just look at this glam…

Buzzfeed reached out to Marshala and she explained what went down. She was parked in a handicap spot, but she had a badge as her mother is handicapped and she often drives her around.

“[One officer] asked me for my handicap sticker because I was in a handicap spot. I gave it to him and he brought it back, said everything was clear.”

Suddenly the police officer reportedly said that he smelled weed, and asked her to get out of the car so he could search it. He found two grams of weed, which Marshala claimed she’d planned to smoke with her friends.

She was booked, and so the mugshot was born. At first, Marshala explained that she felt embarrassed, but later felt pleased that everyone was so impressed by her makeup skills – after all, that’s her craft. Ah, we love a happy ending.

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[debhanatric]

#jeremykyle Don't often say this about #Jezza's guests but very impressed with this guy. Bloody awful upbringing dreadful family to do that to him but he appears to got his shit together well done me old mucker

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[universitychallenged]

University Challenge 2017/18, Episode 24: Review

Oxford Brookes: 175

Merton College, Oxford: 255

This 8.30pm thing is OK, actually. There’s time to cook, eat, prepare one’s brain for the onslaught, have tissues ready for all classical fails. I was so prepared that I watched Ewan MacGregor narrate a programme on the Scottish Highlands (the area in which Swansong, My Debut Novel That Is Out On Thursday is set), and as usual with everything now, was not really taking anything in but instead trying to memorise useful nuggets for future quiz-use.

Do any of you UniChall maniacs find this? I am not interested in meaty issues any more. My brain has sculpted itself to only grab capital cities, US states, types of bats, that sort of thing. Andy read his Anglo-American MA presentation to me earlier and my brain was just intoning ‘The McMahon Act’ over and over again.

Anyway! It’s over to the rubbish Oxford uni and the good one! (Joking. Or am I. I’m not.)

Team Vibe: Oxford Brookes: founder-owners of a radical political bookshop, who have just invited you round to the launch of something, and their irritating-yet-endearing intern boy has just put a glass of champagne in your hand.

Merton College, Oxford: founder-owners of the Bodleian Library, with photographic memories and time on their hands.

Grandad Count: Oxford Brookes, with an average age of 36.

Gender Diversity Count: I don’t know if you’re ready for this. Brace yourselves. Four. Four!

Style News: Oxford Brooks' O’Shea gained full marks and a year’s subscription to Vogue for her excellent De Stijl-inspired dress. It was almost too good. Her teammate Purcell was working it big time; let’s not quibble on the clashing nature of the tie, purple-black shirt and pink blazer. The main thing was that there was heroic effort. Oxford Brookes definitely win the style points this week!

Cult Hero Of The Episode: Captain De Bock of Oxford Brookes got off to a poor start with his ebulliently smug multi-language greeting. Mate, you’re not impressing anyone. But he single-handedly kept his team in the game (ie, limping behind) with loads of correct starter questions and Tiggerish bounciness. He also managed to say ‘canoodle and noodle’ with a relatively straight face. Sad to see him go!

Merton are such an excellent team. I mean, really. They are preposterously clever. But Peplow just edged it for me today, especially on the artistic knowledge side, and he gave a sweetly pleased beam at guessing ‘Leeds?’ in some fiendish word-round correctly. Peplow for Prime Minister!

Handsome Person of the Episode: Well, O’Shea had glorious style, the vibes of an artistic director of a world-famous gallery. But I had a soft spot for Purcell’s lovely face and the silver-blue hair-streaks.

Jezza Watch: He made a hilarious dig at Cambridge, saying there were more spies there - clearly trying to get in Merton’s good books, seeing as they will be running the country in twenty years’ time. And by hilarious I mean:

Horror Round: ‘Of the seven SI base units, how many are eponymous?’

Dream Bonus Question Round: Ken Loach! 3/3. I can do my Brit arthouse films, y'all. I was well good this week, throwing out ‘stag beetle’, ‘Spielberg’, ‘Mary Queen of Scots’, ‘rhododendron’, ‘Spanish Civil War’, etc, like it was no goddamned thing at all. PLUS I got Leda, because she’s part of a swan myth, and I'm quite good at swan myths, and OH MY GOD DID I TELL YOU YET THAT I WILL BE A PUBLISHED DEBUT AUTHOR THIS WEEK WITH MY NOVEL ‘SWANSONG’?

*Cough*

Regular Classical Fail By Composition PhD-owning Composer, Kerry Andrew: Started disastrously, with an entire lack of Beethoven knowledge. Merton’s Wiberg got the Wagner in exactly 0.23 seconds. Bizet fail, also. And I was too sluggish for the Mozart, even though I’d heard that exact phrase sung in the National Theatre’s ‘Amadeus’ this week. Plus I didn’t get ‘gong’ because I said ‘marimba’. HAHAHA. But hallelujah! I can recognise Britten at 50 paces and got the Monteverdi, plus Bartok.

Kerry and Andy’s Score: 26, bruvs! I got FIFTEEN OF THESE!

Brain Food: Homemade parsnip curry, from a Nigel Slater recipe.

Tweets of the Day:

Please feel free to share, retweet, etc. I’m mostly a musician but a writer now too, and every little helps. DID I MENTION ABOUT MY BOOK BY THE WAY?

[universitychallenged]

University Challenge 2017/18: Episode 16 Review

UCL: 315

St Hughs, Oxford: 45

I missed last Monday, but caught excerpts on Celebrity Gogglebox. My God - why do people revel in ignorance so? Note to Jamie Redknapp, Ed Sheeran, Liam Gallagher et al: KEEP WATCHING IT AND YOU’LL GET BETTER. I am living proof. It’s like signing your brain up to Fusion Gyms, except less sweaty (hmm, mostly).

Even on Gogglebox’s slim clips, Andy and I got about five correct, which means we are better than the leader of the Labour Party. Still, I was sad to see St Anne’s Captain Dihal and her wing-girl leave the show. BOO. 

Today’s episode comes to you via the genteel seaside vibes of Aldeburgh.

Team Vibe: UCL: sexy indie-dance boyband from 2004.

St. Hugh’s, Oxford: little water-voles stricken in a snowdrift.

Grandad Count: Mere striplings, the whole lot of them. 

Girl Count: Jez’s first question, with zilch irony, quoted Northanger Abbey: ‘A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.' Well, ne’er was this more truly borne out.

Style news: In the Metrosexual Battle of the Shirts, St Hugh’s Elias was no match for UCL’s Dowell, whose collarless striped turn easily outdid his rival's, largely because of all those undone buttons (incomplete pic below). Small bonus points to UCL’s Allinson for his 1980s denim jacket Bros vibez!

Cult Hero Of The Episode: I’m going to give it to UCL as one joyous brainiac force. They looked like they were having such a marvellous time, giggling at the subjects of early bonus sets, all the while absolutely ripping poor St. Hugh’s to goretastic shreds. Upon hearing the subject of French geography, Raii looked as gleeful as if he’d just been given a suitcase full of custard creams.

Handsome Person of the Episode: Well, SWOON. Dowell made me come over all unnecessary every time he buzzed in (see aforementioned shirt). But UCL’s Captain Gray was all over it with his lovely wonky ears (I have a wonky ear too, which basically means we should get married) and essence of Ryan Giggs with massive knowledge. WHO NEEDS GIRLS ANYWAY.

Jezza Watch: On a Scottish county question, St. Hugh’s Captain De Wijze suggested to his team that he should go with Cardigan. ‘It’s in Wales, but -’ offered Grainger, far too politely. ‘Cardigan?’ said De Wijze. Jez, perhaps sensing no point in beating them down further, simply gave a hilariously puzzled little frown.

Horror Round: UCL made everything from cricket to ozone to 12th century authors delightful by looking so merry about it all.

Dream Bonus Question Round: No outstanding rounds for me (utter seizure on the birds, argh!) but today I was the queen of the all-rounders. I could have made St Hugh’s my minions.

Regular Classical Fail By Composition PhD-owning Composer, Kerry Andrew: Yummily-voiced Mehigan of St Hugh’s impressed with his swift guess of Smetena whilst I gazed glassily at the screen. Everything else was pop-related and I DIED by not getting any 2016 Spotify playlist hits or any recent US musicals. UGH.

Kerry’s Score: Geoffrey? Of Monmouth, mate. Paradox? By that Jim Al-Khalili, bruv. Dickens. France. Orkney. Mary Wollstonecraft. I should have got at least five more. But I still got nineteen.

Brain Food: Parsnip and apple soup made by a very fine soprano.

Tweets of the Day: