#jessiieam

[moonsess]

Okay, right

I’ve just come back home from the gig. THE gig. My Chemical Romance at MK Stadium, night 1. To say that it was insane is an understatement if I ever heard one. There was (fake)blood, frank in a tie, mentions of rats (?), they played skylines and they played fashion statement and vampire money and so many other songs that I never ever expected to hear live in my live. Songs I know inside and out from 15 years of listening to this band and now I got to scream them at the top of my lungs while they were playing live. Insane. There was no real or relevant point to this post, I just wanted to capture my excitement before I went off to bed

[moonsess]

Right,

This probably won’t post until I get back into town but oh well

So I’m at the show, the supporting acts are on and I am people watching, which I absolutely love doing. I love how all of these alt women dress. It’s making me wish I wrote clothing like that. My styles very plain and melting-into-the-masses-esque. I think I think I’m too old to dress more like I did when I was 15/16, ten years ago. However, looking at these grown ass women here makes me realise that it doesn’t fucking matter. At all. When I get back home I will try to make an active effort of dressing in a way that makes me happy. I like the way I dress now, but I could vary what I wear more, dress more alt from time to time. A part of me also thinks I’m not thin enough to dress alt, but that is behaviour and thought patters that no longer serve me, and we are moving beyond them.

That’s all the update for now, just a though.

[moonsess]

10.05.22 An Introduction

Right, hello. 

I used to be an avid user of Tumblr back in the day. I’ve seen it through fandoms and controversies and amazing friendships. It was once a huge part of my daily life as a young teenager. Now that I am somewhat older, I have not had much use of it at all. Yahoo’s buy-out of the site coincided quite nicely with my steady departure from young teenager-hood, and I have since not had much use of the site at all. 

Much has changed in this (almost) decade. Not only in my personal life but also on the platform itself. I have gone to university, I have travelled, I have gone on multiple self-discovery journeys. Yet, I feel like I am in several ways much in the same place I was nine or ten years ago. It is not a pleasant feeling and I am here to change it. 

I have, many a times in fact, deleted several of my various social media accounts, not least Tumblr. Who knows which account number of mine this one is? But here I am once again, on a site that very much helped shape me as a person. However, I am doing things differently this time around. This time, this blog, it just for me. It is for my thoughts, my questions and ponderings of life. It is to share conversations and interations. On here I can rant and I can complain and most importantly, I can appreciate and learn. I am wanting to put down into words my own thoughts, whether fully formed or not at all. I want to share reviews of things I read and summaries of things I learn. I want a record of my progress and change in this period of my life. I have never been one to publicly share progress - you only share the results, right? That seems to be the way social media works these days. It is not for me. I have never been very good at posting on my socials, on Twitter I never tweet, on Facebook I never post, Tumblr has been deleted off my phone innumerable amounts ot times and Instagram sees a post perhaps once a year. 

As of writing this, I am three weeks away from my term of studying abroad to be over. I think exchange programmes like the one I am currently on are heavily glamourised as well as romanticised. I know I, along with countless of other people in my situation, have an image, a hope or a desire, for their exchange period to be life-changing. That is what traveling is supposed to do, right? It is supposed to give you new perspectives, to make you grow and learn as a human, and most importantly, it is supposed to help you find yourself - perhaps in a spiritual sense even. This has not been my experience, and I am still mourning that my experience was not that. I wished for it just as everyone else, but it was not what happened at all. And I am learning that that is okay. However, I still yearn for that live-changing, self-discovering, fulfilling experience. I need that big change adventure.

All this is to say that this is it, this is my big change, my adventure. There are no rules, no plans and no restrictions on the blog or on myself. I am here to exist in a space that I hope will be welcoming and accepting. I have no expectation that anyone will see or interact with this blog - that is almost the point, is it not? This is for me, and I am excited about it. 

[moonsess]

Right, hello.

When I was a young, angsty little teenager, I loved My Chemical Romance. Unfortunately, the band broke up just as I was reaching prime age to go to shows in 2012. Recently, though, My Chem has been coming back (even released a new song!!!). And now, as a 25 year old, I will finally be able to see one of my all time favourite bands ever live. Together with hundreds of other fans, I will be singing along to songs that are etched into my being. I will scream and laugh and probably cry, I won’t lie.

My chemical romance has brought me a lot in the last 16 years of listening to their music. Being a fan of their music has most importantly brought me new friendships. There is one friendship in particular that I don’t know what I would have done without during my teenage years. My chemical romance brought us together and kept us together for almost 7 years and it is too this day one of the most important friendships I’ve had. Unfortunately, we are no longer friends. But with the date of my show coming closer and closer each day I have been thinking about her a lot. 15 year old us would not have believed me today if I’d have told them that we would actually be seeing our favourite band live. Although we are not going to the show together, I know that she will be there, and I will be there, and that is enough.

[moonsess]

12.05.22 A Change in Habits

Right, hello.

As the name would suggest, a big change adventure requires you to make some actual changes in your life (who would have thought, right?). For me, that means making a change in the way I take care of my body and the way I take care of my mind. I used to be a dancer, I danced from the age of seven and onwards, until I one day at age 15 decided to stop. I don’t remember why now. I tried picking up back up again a pre-pandemic and I absolutely loved it. However, since then I have gone into a new job, which unfortunately does not allow me to keep dancing where I did. 

I have a strained relationship with the gym. I suffered from an eating disorder for all of my teenage years and it has taken a lot of hard work to recover from. It is definitely not a place I would like to go to again. And so the gym and I have never been friends. I would like to change that. The plan is to slowly get back to it when I get back home from my exchange. I read in James Clear’s Atomic Habits, that showing up for yourself is the most important first step. Even if I show up to the gym and only stretch, I will have gone and that will be enough. I will try again next time. The important thing here is that there will be a next time. By not forcing myself to do more than I can or want to, I will insure that I want to keep going back. At least that is the idea.