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fuckyeahgoodomens · 4 years ago

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Ineffable Con 2020 Fun Facts

Fun facts from the Ineffable Con 2 (2020) guest panels :):

Neil Gaiman, Douglas Mackinnon and Rob Wilkins

David G. Arnold (the music composer)

Claire Anderson (the costume designer)

Peter Anderson (Peter Anderson Studio created the opening title animation and in-show graphics)

Paul Adeyefa (Disposable Demon)

Jeremy Marshall-Roberts (the owner of Mary the Bentley)

1. Neil Gaiman, Douglas Mackinnon and Rob Wilkins

What do they have from Good Omens:

Rob has the statue from St. Beryls, all four motorbikes from the four horsemen, Crowley’s Devon watch, box signed by David Tennant with Crowley’s sunglasses and Aziraphale’s cocoa mug with Michael Sheen’s DNA :).

Douglas has the playing cards from Episode 1 and heavily annotated Good Omens book they used for filming with inscription by Neil: ‘For Douglas, make us love, make us cry, 3rd August 2017’.

Neil has Aziraphale’s chair from the bookshop that he bought from the BBC and he uses it for Zoom meetings.

What is their favourite thing that was not in the book and was added to the TV show:

Neil: all of the first half of Episode 3 - an absolute joy.

Rob: also the beginning of Episode 3.

Douglas: David Arnold’s music and Peter Anderson’s front titles.

Could Aziraphale get out of the Bastille easily if he wanted to?

Neil: if he could: absolutely. Did he have any conception of the mess he was in: probably not. It’s one of Neil’s favourite pieces of acting - the absolute delight on Aziraphale’s face when he realizes that Crowley’s there and then he turns around and rather petulantly, grumpily goes oh it’s you - that moment of joy on Aziraphale’s face when he realizes that he’s been rescued is one of Neil’s favourite things.

Neil and yoghurt starter: I had this slightly mad thing where I would explain to everybody that fans were yoghurt starter. And I said, ‘Basically you start out with yoghurt starter and you put it into your warm milk and you leave it, and the yoghurt starter goes off and turns the entire thing into yoghurt.

Neil realized that there was a cat in his house (Neil doesn’t have a cat :)). After the panel Neil said that he was going to look for the cat with a can of sardines and Douglas joked that he would find Michael Sheen in a cat costume.

What was the best and worst about making the series:

Douglas: the best - the camaraderie, getting to know the people, the cast and crew.

Rob: the best - realizing that the book could be translated to the screen and watching it happen. The worst - coming to the end of the shoot and saying goodbye to everybody.

Neil: the best - the amount of love from everybody, the worst - fighting budget battles (producers wanted gone all of the cold opening and the death of Agnes Nutter).

Did they expect that Good Omens would attract so many LBGTQ+ people and how they feel about that:

Neil: Yes, absolutely. There are definitely people out there who seem to think that I accidentally wrote a love story with all of the beats of a love story including a break-up halfway through, without somehow noticing that I’d written a love story. And I may not be the brightest candle on the candelabra, but as an author who’s been doing it for a long time, I’m very well aware of when I’m writing a love story, thank you very much. And so from my perspective I knew that the love story would be one of the driving things that would get us from the beginning to the end. And I also made a bunch of decisions about our angels and our demons in terms of casting, in terms of gender that everybody backed me up on, which I loved. You know, the idea that the archangel Michael is played by Doon [Mackichan] is something that is... or Beelzebub is Anna Maxwell Martin, whatever, there’s... it’s not like we are going: these are women, there are men, we are going: these are demons, these are angels. They... this is not a thing. And also doing something like Pollution, where you go in and go: okay well if we were doing this in... if 1989 was now, if there were they pronouns, we probably would have done that. We didn’t think of it at the time but that’s no reason why we can’t do it now. And we did and I remember having a... not exactly a battle, but a... my very tiny skirmish with one of our execs who was very nice and very bright and was like: ‘Why are you saying they?’, and I’m like... and I... explaining, and he’s like: ‘Well I’ve never heard of that before.’, and I’m like: ‘Oh, okay, but trust me, just trust me, it’s all fine, just trust me.’

Douglas: And you know I have to say, just following on what Neil’s saying, I’ve been directing for quite a while, and I tend to notice if characters are falling in love, I tend to notice a love story happening in front of me, and I think it’s there, and everything is meant, guys, everything is meant.

Neil added: I would just say, there are some things that you do while you’re writing a script intentionally. The fact that... I wanted to do this, well, it was a thing I did that I really enjoyed doing... where whenever people accuse them of being a couple: they don’t deny it, they don’t argue, there’s no flustering on their part. They absolutely… you know, everybody… what I’m trying to say is: yes, other people in the story are perceiving them as a couple too. And here is Uriel perceiving them as a couple, here is wonderful Dan [Starkey, playing the passerby] …and you know, you do scenes like that because that’s... you are trying to make a point here and you’re trying to make a point on how people are perceived.

Season 2, yes or no [fiends, all three of them!]:

Douglas: What’s that?

Neil: Of what?

Rob: Is it muted for me as is for everyone else?

Neil confirmed that they are going to be Funko Pops. [yay!]

2. David G. Arnold (the music composer)

He didn’t read the book before he was approached to do the music. He was asked to do it by Douglas Mackinnon he knew from the Victorian episode of Sherlock and he said yes before even knowing what it was about because he wanted to work with Douglas again.

The first piece of music he wrote for the show was the brass band doing the Lazing on a Sunday Afternoon [Episode 6, in the park before the kidnapping].

The second piece of music he wrote was the lullaby that Crowley sings to Warlock. He always liked the lullabies like in Mary Poppins so he said to Neil: Why don’t we do it like Walt Disney, but if Walt Disney was possessed by Satan? That was about 7 months before he needed to write anything again while they were shooting and it kept going round his head the whole time - the melody stuck with him and when it came to the Opening Title of the show, this became the middle bit.

The original opening title was Everyday by Buddy Holly and each episode was supposed to be closed with a different version of it: a death metal version, an angelic choir version, a carmina burana version... and he actually made all those. But he likes to find the musical identity of the show and put it in the opening titles because it’s important and it tells you: ‘This is the word you’re going to experience’, so he wrote his own opening title with the lullaby in the middle and played it to them [probably Neil and Douglas] with Buddy Holly as the backup and: Neil just turned around in his chair and said, ‘That’s Good Omens.’. From that point the instructions were with no rules, just to create whatever he wanted: the further you can go the better, the weirder and the stranger you can think the better. It’s a rare thing to be shown a world like Good Omens and be let free to run around in it.

His favourite ending title is the Queen one in Episode 1.

One of the reasons he didn’t do a theme for Crowley and a theme for Aziraphale is that the theme of the show is theirs - it’s theirs and they share it and it’s both of theirs and there is no separating in that regard.

About Aziraphale and Crowley’s relationship reflected in the music score: It’s interesting isn’t it, because the relationship changed in a way slightly frequently and majorly infrequently. It seemed right from the start that their relationship was somehow seeded and planted and had begun by the time we saw them even though they may not have realised it themselves, you know, with the pair of them on the wall, considering one is a demon in the Garden of Eden and one is an angel. They act very charitably towards each other and they act with a lot of things you might not expect. And underneath that there is a sort of sense of togetherness and support even though they both know that their paths are going to diverge and they have different responsibilities. So I always felt like, right from that moment, when the wing came up on the wall, that there was something special about their relationship. Three moments that stuck with him: in Episode 3 saving the books in the church when they completely rely on the other for survival in the way that they were very open about, one in the car outside the nightclub in 60s Soho - the Holy Water, you go too fast for me, that genuinely tearing, that there was reluctance in those words that he spoke and that sort of things as a composer is gold, it’s about making those moments more, and in the last episode in a scene they’re not event in when we see Adam and Dog in the fields and Anathema that music there which celebrates Crowley and Aziraphale’s music which is the theme of the show - their shadow has passed over everyone’s emotional journey, and everyone’s emotional journey is theirs as well. The argument in the bandstand was important as well.

His favourite leitmotif from the series is the lullaby.

About the scene in the car in episode 2 when Thomas Tallis changes into Queen: Terry’s favourite piece of classical music was the Thomas Tallis piece [Spem in Alium] so Neil asked if they can go from Thomas Tallis - a choral piece from 16th century - to We Will Rock You, and: ‘You never say no. You don’t say that you can’t do it. What you have to do is to be the first person who solves the problem.’ In the end it was a two-days work just for this little bit and he mentioned that he never had these sorts of challenges anywhere else before.

His favourite non-musical detail in the show - the crucifixion, how the scene was shot, how it was upsetting, and how it was made more effective by Aziraphale and Crowley’s inability to stop it, that they had to observe and watch it, that it had to happen. I remember seeing that at the time and thinking, I wasn’t expecting that level of brutal honesty, in terms of the pictures that I was looking at and what they chose to show. And I think all the more effective for it.

3. Claire Anderson (the costume designer)

When creating the costumes for the characters she started with mood boards.

Aziraphale - she knew that he needed to have something winglike in his collar so that’s why there are sweeping lapels very often. Using velvet [for the waistcoat] because that was nice and soft and had all the appropriate qualities. His watch and fob that has little gold wings hanging from it and other tiny bits of symbolism. Tartan bow tie. Beautiful cashmere checkered trousers - not quite tartan but a nod to it. A mid to late Victorian coat, Michael only made his decision on the coat a couple of days before the filming. Aziraphale in the present settled on a ring with angelic symbol and harp cufflinks, earlier his ring in ancient times has got a much more roughly hewn set of wings on it, so before jewellery making became sophisticated he modernised slightly - he magicked it up to be a bit more modern, more gentleman signet type of ring, but he never modernises entirely. His heart is much more in the past.

After they began to define Aziraphale they started to look at how the Heaven army of angels might look - the element of tartan came sort of from Aziraphale and the angels have a not-tartan kilt with a semi military type jacket and a military band across that might hold arms or not, because they are not really violent. She used spats to make them look quite neutral and genderless so hiding fastenings and concealing little details like that seemed a way to do that.

Gabriel doesn’t wear spats because he’s on Earth such a lot. His shoe has a cover with two buckles on the side giving the same neutral element. He wears a cashmere light-as-air suit.

The other angels are all in bastardized versions of what era they may have died in, so they could have died in the 1930s or the 1800s and the costume would have an element of that era about it - though of course as an angel you can change things.

The Quartermaster Angel - the costume is a combination of slightly Indian type military, maharaja pants, longer spats from another era, all combined pieces of military tailored to be magical and slightly nonsensical, as Heaven might be.

Crowley - she felt that he wrapped around like a snake sheds its skin so she wanted something double breasted because that seemed to envelope his snakey charm. David wanted to be more casual than wearing a suit. Under his collar he always has a flash of red like the snake that he comes from - the red belly. They put a red seam into the sole of his boots so always there is a hint of where he came from. The red tie in the blitz. He was more rock and roll than Aziraphale and modernised more to a snakehipped rock and roll star really. His present jacket - the fabric there is quilted, they found an 80s jacket that had elements of things they enjoyed - part of that was that it had a slightly quilted quality to the fabric which was like a textured snakeskin. It took quite a long time to create the fabric and then to make the jacket from that - they quilted some fabric and washed and whooshed it repeatedly to create a bit of puckering in it. He has a snakey scarf around his neck like a chain mail linked scales of skin scarf that he wore that complemented his neck chain. The trousers he wore in Victorian times are the same he wore in the 60s when he meets young Shadwell. His present trousers - slightly waxy denim - we just were looking for a slithery finish. Crowley’s neck chain - there is only one in the world - her tailor has a Gothic church full of interesting stuff like busts and drapes with old things, this chain mail scarf was there and David was looking for something to complete his costume and liked it.

Hastur and Ligur are her favourite characters - they were so enjoyable to create. She had an amazing book of 1920s and 30s criminals and they used that as a starting point, because they were all quite worn out and bedraggled and poverty stricken and like hell might be ideally. They burnt and decayed the bottom of them as if they were rotting from the Earth and rotting back into the ground - all demons have sort of gators as if they were rotting from the ground up.

One of the most difficult things was the demons - when they realized they had a few days to create hundreds of demons in South Africa (4-5 days for almost 200 demons). It was as if I had been dissolved in holy water when they asked me for another 150 costumes.

The sleeves of Anathema’s coat have been inspired by a Victorian cycling coat.

The historical costume that Newt’s ancestor wore influenced his and Shadwell’s costumes - they used elements of the historical costume to put a little cape on Newt and Shadwell and their wax coats to give them the quality of that look. Newt's costume has a lot of mustard to make him feel a bit awkward and uncomfortable - it's not the most flattering colour on a northern European complexion.

The nuns’ headdress needed to look a little bit demonic - she bought a whole book on nuns’ headdresses for research. They also used the V in the nurse's apron because that was nicely demonic. The nurses' watch has got this Satanic symbol at the top - a little take on the medical since old nurses’ uniforms used to have watches.

For Madame Tracy she went back into the 70s, slightly Biba-esque makeup and a cape. They had only one pair of her goggles so it was always a nightmare to find them.

Which part of the cold opening is her favourite: I love ancient Rome because there is at least 6 to 12 metre of fabric in a toga and that was quite fun wrapping that around the boys and creating those., and her favourite was the Globe.

The lapels represent wings in every way and every shape and every form. Wings are very important.

4. Peter Anderson (Peter Anderson Studio created the opening title animation and in-show graphics)

The first thing that the director Douglas Mackinnon (with whom he worked on Doctor Who and Sherlock) said to him was: for all the graphics, for all the title sequence, for everything, I want you to promise me one thing, and that is very, very simple, promise that you send me emails that say: ‘this might be absolutely nuts, but my idea is...’.

The opening title it’s full of easter eggs - it’s a type of sequence that’s been designed to watch a thousand times, for example: on the escalator down to Hell there is one character running up deciding that he doesn’t want to go to Hell or the sea is full of plastic bags because we don’t look after the planet.

Every single face in the title sequence is either Crowley’s or Azriphale’s, they are repeated all the way through - inspired by Neil saying that there’s good and evil in all of us, so there is a grand procession of people of all the characters from the story - marching towards Armageddon - but all the characters have been taken over by good or evil. And along the way our two heroes are kind of playing tricks on each other, doing good, doing evil

The opening title combines multiple elements - two dimensional animation elements, three dimensional animation elements, CGI and live action (the people in the procession were created by live action on a travelator). So the result is a kind of strangeness - such as 3D figures with 2D animated tracked heads - which makes it unique.

Their first idea and version of the opening title was based on tapestries of old, subverting them, but then they wanted something more new and fresh.

Both Douglas and Neil were an important part of the opening title creation process.

The opening title sequence took about a year to make from the creative start with four intensive months towards the end.

One of things that inspired him was a Bauhaus theatre image from 1930s.

Question if the hand-drawn font for the graphics will be a purchasable font: no, because it was original and it’s unique and it was created just for this - it was for the love of the show and the story and it will be kept there.

In the scene where there are three photos of witchfinders - Neil and Douglas revealed in the DVD commentaries that two of them are their grandfathers - the third one is Peter’s great uncle.

Originally the signs telling us things like ‘Thursday’ or ‘Mesopotamia’ - were done as if somebody (who was living inside the television screen) ran up close to the screen and showed us the sign. In the end they simplified it, only showing the signs. The one time that it was sort of left in the show was when in Episode 5 a little demon in the video game shows a sign ‘GAME OVER’.

Outside of his work on it, what was his favourite thing on Good Omens: spending time with Douglas and Neil, and also working with Milk VFX - I think I can honestly say it's the best job I've ever worked on with the nicest people.

5. Paul Adeyefa (Disposable Demon)

He first read the book when preparing for the audition - the character wasn’t in the book but he got into it, loved it and couldn’t put it down.

He didn’t know about the name Eric until the script was published and people started calling the demon that, he really likes the name and thinks it fits.

There was a version of the script where the demon was going to be dressed in different costumes each time he was discorporated (for example one in long hair wearing a dress) - they would be all the same but different incarnations, in one version they had different accents.

The first scene he shot was the one where the demon goes to Heaven to deliver the Hellfire (and also wants to hit ‘Aziraphale’ which was cut). That first day was also his favourite moment of shooting because there was an immediate welcoming atmosphere and everyone was lovely and in love with the production.

Disposable Demon is like a permanent intern, running errands for the higher ups in Hell.

His favourite part of the costume were the eyelashes (though he loved the whole costume).

If he could change anything about the costume he would also want cool contact lenses - some brightly coloured ones.

Question what animal (like other demons have on their heads) comes to mind when we see the Disposable Demon: he didn’t think about it at the time, but later he saw people talking about his horns as bunny ears and found it interesting, and also the facts that there are so many of him and that he is quite happy and friendly for a demon so the bunny makes sense, so he might be a sort of a rabbit. Or perhaps something goat type because of the horns.

Question if there is another role in Good Omens he would have liked to have played: he always thought that the four horsemen were very cool and Pollution was his favourite so probably Pollution (also was the most jealous of Pollution’s contact lenses).

If there were a season 2, he would be there in a heartbeat.

Question about Eric’s feelings on Crowley, if he’s a bit of a Crowley fan: I think he might be. There is something about Crowley and how he is somehow a little bit different from the rest of the demons. - and the Disposable Demon has, much like Crowley, interest in the human world. He could well be 6,000 how many years old, the same as everyone else, but he seems to have this younger vibe and I think he thinks that Crowley is quite cool.

Good Omens fandom is his first experience with a fandom of this scale. It speaks a lot, the fact that this kind of very, this minor character, a character who is only on screen for a very short amount of time gets any kind of attention at all, it's quite amazing really, it goes to show how big and enthusiastic the fans are. I never experienced anything like that.

6. Jeremy Marshall-Roberts (the owner of Mary the Bentley)

When Crowley used a miracle to switch off the Bentley lights in Episode 1 at nuns manor it was done by: there was actually a very small guy called Louis turning on and off the switches quickly.

David Tennant was allowed to wear the snake eye contacts for only 3 hours a day otherwise they could damage his eyesight.

For Mary, the Bentley, it was the second time she was ‘blown up’ on film - first being in the Endeavour with Inspector Morse about three years earlier.

He was a bit nervous during filming the bookshop fire scene because the Bentley was so close to a real fire - not wanting the paint to blister. The car was moved off after a few minutes of filming but still.

About the damage to Mary: Unfortunately, we overran, and Rob my stunt driver had already booked a holiday and off he went and so when he returned in January, on the 10th of January, I had this new driver who really had no clue how to drive old cars, so I showed him around, I showed him to go around corners. He came around the corner, the door was not closed properly for some reason and the door flew open as he went around. And instead of slamming on the brakes which is extremely efficient and would stop him straight away he kept on going, hit another car and really smashed the door quite badly. It did take the car off the roads for 10 months. The door was completely remade because of this accident and it cost the total of £24 000 to rebuild the car to get it back to running as it is today.

The Bentley’s part most difficult to maintain and service is the engine.

Would Mary be available for a potential season 2: definitely!

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trippz2ill2ace8itout · 5 years ago

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🥀🥀||21% Of My Life Storyyx||Stay Alive||🥀🥀

🥀🥀Mental Physcotic Breakdown/Episode . This is one of my least explicit ones. Meet Tyler Alvaro x🥀🥀

😔😞W3lc0m3 T0 Th3 W0rld 0f I33y Magdalinoz-Martinez/Br0k3n R0z3z/Sara Pi3rce/Tyl3r Fiaskko-Alvaro. This is my life. 0r 21% 0f It. TRIGGER WARNING!!!

●21%0F.MY.LIFE UDATED VERSION: ... 🥀Itz Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez,Asexual. I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, on Step One &1MonthClean (used every drug except shrooms, Molly and Bathsalts) .I use to forget about my pain, I went to rehabs,(CHYC as mental health and drugNAlcohol Treatment for a year, went to NA and AA?meetings once a week) I’m 21 years old, my dad died In 2011 (of a reported heart attack, but I thought I killed him, I tried to kill him in his sleep multiple times), but he abused me since I was 4 (I fought back at age 9, when the torture got worse, when he hit my mom I started going on a rampage) (beenThruTraumaSince4till2monthsAgo) but I couldn’t tell my mom he was abusing me and torturing me (on multiple occasions on our "father-daughter trips" or when we were alone) or he would sell me or kill me, so I had mixed feelings he injection me with Meth and Heroin (inside a parked car at Carl's Jr, he also made me go to the bathroom && strip for him, he would shoot me up and laugh),, i was out on the streets at first in 2012 (I want insane and lost it in May of 2011), now I’m homeless 13 times (witnessed a lot of crimes, did crimes, a lot happened to me also I did a lot as well) ,getting arrested, in fights, almost been killed, I rose a 9 year old kid (now 13 years old) named Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was I an abusive foster home, so me and my motel roommate and ex girlfriend of One Year. Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took him in, I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away,after acar accident&igot framed for giving him drugs,&Inever seen him since,Kimberly and i adopted him from an abusive foster home, after me and Kimberly broke up cuz she was cheating on me with my friend Jeremy and b4 Anthony got taken we went 2 court and Kim got all parental rights and i had to pay child support and got superviszed visits, Jeremy Baraz later told me that Kimberly and him were engaged, I got heated and flipped out and he raped me and we got into an altercation, he helped me on the streets&&was my partner in crime , he bailed me out at the police station (after I got put on temporary probation for continually committing crimes and trashing a strangers car cuz there was drugs in there and they were going to go after my son with that car and drug him up, later they cut the probation if I went to long term rehab) , Ishmael Baraz (Jeremys brother, also guided me and later on got into a shooting scene, so i had to bail him out, only fair u know, we went crazy and i almost got killed and so did he, i pointed the gun towards the officer and stated "if you don't let my friend go, I will shoot u and all of ur officers", and they tazed me (and on multiple other occasions went crazy on police, grabbed the gun , gotten tazed, got the cops called on me for no reason but sometimes 4A reason, im known for police, fire department, AMR, sherriffs etc.) he was a convicted felon, && We were all in a cop chase, we made it to OC with Jeremy, and later on Jeremy &Ismhael myBuddyzGotSh0t isaw the entire thing , and I almost got killed as well, &iwasProstituting/got sold, got drugged up and abused 4 money4us (To raise Anthony, and have a hotel for me Kim and him to live), after that incident of Anthony getting taken Kimberly tried to kill me in my sleep with Ambien.a meth needle and vodka.i woke up in an ER, and she killed herself (right in front of me and I tried 2 st0p her, but I was 2latee ,been raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up.people on the streets,&by sum1 Idon’t wanna talk about (now I'm coming clean, it was Kimberly) I was in Foster Care a couple times, the 2nd time i was in abusive/Drugaddicts, Angela and Jimmy Miller (they tortured, force fed, raped, abused, but me, drugged me up, had multiple people (over 40 a day) come in an rape me one by one, Angela and Jimmy had a meth lab in there house and I slept in the middle of the attic, they locked me up in there) , first a foster called GHS with staff instead of parents, and with Lisa (who was like a grandma to me but she passed away later on so I moved , later finding out that she attempted suicide) I’ve been in 215 mental hospitals (ETS, Loma Linda, Arrowhead, Cedars Cienai, San Bernardino Community, Delamo, The Willows "CRC", Auoura Charter Oaks, Auoura Las Encinas, UCI, Canyon Ridge, Kaiser, Kaiser Sunset, College Hospital, lock down treatment centers,1in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, multiple treatment centers, crisis centers (Crisis Stabelization Unit a 24 hour crisis center [CSU] over 80 times), 2 week mental health and drug/alcohol programs (STAY Program (2x), Jumpstreet, Excelsior House, Rancho West, and Telecare Lagos...2x each) group homes (Rancho Domocitas), Boarding Cares (Golden Girls, a SSI paid house of all girls) rehabs (Cedar House 2x, CHYC, and multiple others), shelters (House of Miracles, Lutheran Mission, Set Free Ranch, Path Of Life, and many otherz), the streets (13 times homeless/on the streets, LA, OC, Menifee, Riverside, Murrietta, Mission Viejo, Corona, irvine and San Bernardino), been in car accidents (over 10 times),I’ve been arrested and detained by a lot of cops in Corona (know mostly all of them, a lot of other people know me in Riverside), I have anger issues (extremely bad), been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade, I’ve attempted suicide over 50 timesXI’ve self harmed on multiple occasions (in all kinds of different methods) Ihave bipolar (manic depressive disorder type 1 mixed episode), pre diabetes (got rid of).depression (major depressive disorder).paranioa.anxiety.Buliemia.insomnia.Dissociative Identity Fued.skitzoaffective (extreme skitzophrenia && bipolar mixed) ptsd,ocd,attachment disorder.Autism.borderlinepersonality.amnesia.multiple personality disorder,used to have anorexia, && im deaf in my right ear, near sighted, motion sickness, social anxiety, gastridous, && lastly, chronic body pain .....i helped the homeless and people In hospitals (I help everyone way toooo much) been0nallmentalHealthmedication (I mean ALL, including narcotics and Benzos, and any pill u can use to get high) ppl TriedToSend Me2 MetropolitanStateHospital(highestLevelOfCare), IMD (Institution For The Mentally Diseased) on multiple occasions, ive been to many therapists, physciatrists, ER's, and been on 51/50, 52/50 holds , concervertaship, and lastly ive got taken away from my mom on 4 occasions (personal reasons) I’ve never had a stable home since 2011,now on Augest of 2018 I’m finally home,ihelp others cus im used to people not caring about me, I have trust issues,im always there2help to care to make sure thereok and I don’t stop.StayStronq.It's Izzy Here Again. I Have 22 different voices/demons/visions in my head. Johnny Garcia, Lily, Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos , Charlotte McMann, Wesley Garcia, Constance McMann, Dancing Fire (demon like archangel misunderstood in the form of fire, might be another world trying 2 contact me), Chandy/Gladdis/Leon/Charlene/Raul/Ralphie/George/Michaela aka Michael(all characters from my movie etc.), Erin Ramos. DANCING Squares, Duplicates of People, Bad Mommy/Good Mommy, Bad Daddy/Good Daddy, Visions&Hallucinations of Past/Future, Cones, Red Dots, Flyerway, Veronica/Victoria Enxxellia, Objects Having Force On Me, Flying Objects, Demons Posessing Me. SatanslashGod (can't tell the difference), Richard Enxxellia, Three 7's, Seventy Three 6's, Puppoi (A Duplicate Of My Puppy Raskcal), Mr.OutOfDate, NXSP (0ne Of The Alter Worlds I Live In As Liz Ramos, as I raise hell with Johnny "JJ" Garcia (I try to kill him on multiple occasions but I pulled the Red Wire && he got worse), The Ends (The End Of NXSP it's worse than hell itself times infinity 100 percent), Jonathan Maqranga, TwentyStepsForward, Edgar "Eddie" Alejandria, Dancing Rooms, UglyBitterSky, TheFuckAllTheWayUpInTheSky, Chillwax Alejandria, People From My Past, A Vivid Movie Like Form Of My Whole Past From Beginning To End Flashing By In My Head (Random Times, Coordinated by Dancing Fire Themself), ClosedOptions, Paid2Kill Hernandez, etc.. I Got Chocked, Raped, Tortured, Tied Up, Shot At, Tied To A Tree, Slept In Bathrooms && In Cars (Having Blake Follow Me Into Everywhere I Go && Went into the bathroom , shoving knives, pins, needles, food, guns, sticks, and other shit inside me and he would rape me and if i talked he would kill me. I met Blake at a gas station 3 times to give me my drugs and alcohol paid by for sex with him), I Had 3 Drug Dealers, Juan Torres, Blake Vandiego, Luis Alexander (last name unknown, all of these people didn't give me there real last names, they Identified as what they told me to call them) Blake did the worst torture (playing cakes with me, roleplaying, video taping the torture, I woke up in my bed and he woke me up with 12 meth needles, and we played Pin The Donkey. he would cut me, slice me, bang my body parts on brick walls, put 2 guns in my mouth, 1 gun in each ear, and beat me, burned me, shoved a lighter turned on in my pussy and my butt, he would light me up, and so much much much more torture, all for drugs and money when I became poor), Luis did the 2nd worse torture (he would put a gun to my head at every meal time , beat me, had rough uncosensual sex, played games with me chasing me naked in the hotel room but while playing my sex tapes on the TV, and he would make me sleep outside, all 4 drugs/money when I needed it), and Juan did no torture except (rape me and made me do crimes like the other two did, but he was the sweetest) me and Juan dated for about 4 months, then he perposed, I SAID yes, 4 weeks later he asked me to marry him, and I said no, he said it was fine but 4 weeks later he killed himself with 5 whole bottles of Gabapentin. I Got tortured by more than all 3 of these people. I was a BAD bad bad kid at 12, I was criminally and critically insane, and I did insane things, my behaviors were extremely dangerous/violent/brutal/physcotic/homoscidally insane. 0n 0ne occasion I tried to kill my mom and brother (to take them to Heaven with me), my dad, People on the streets and many many others. I've almost been to Juvenial Hall/Jail on multiple occasions. In the dark Kimberly tried to kill me after she got high on Spice. she reenacted a scene from Criminal Minds that she saw. I was being chased with a knife around my motel room with Anthony watching (he's my son, not by blood but by heart cuz blood doesn't make family), Lisa 0ne Of My Foster Parents would treat me well but on one occasion and one occasion only, she put a gun to my head and told me to shoot her first and than me . so we could escape from this world. I refused and she started drinking heavily , I was her only friend, she had a BAD past as well. her behaviors changed drastically and I would have 2 watch her hurt herself, drink, walk around naked singing Kill Me Kill Me Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead, and What Is Love, I watched her self harm and I tried 2 stop her, but whenever I tried to she would scream and give the gun to me again, she is currently (she's dead but awhile later) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease, Autism, Skitzophrenia, and PTSD. She killed herself later on. When I was a patient in multiple of the placements/hospitals/lockdown treatment centers/rehabs/crisis centers/stabilization units etc etc. I would misbehave really badly, I would have protected sex, get in fights, extreme physcotic episodes, do drugs when it was not permitted, I'm used to doing worse crimes on the streets anyways.I got bullied 4 the 1st time inside of CHYC, last but yes least, DAMGEROUSLY CRAZY ME wants to tell u one more thing, when I was homeless, A boy named Timothy Sagaste (not real last name) lead me on and we got engaged after 6 months of dating cuz we were so close, I trusted him, we had a connection, but after leading me on for so long I thought things were TOO perfect, and I was right, after I got engaged to him, we had a romantic dinner &; he told me that he was seeing someone else, that he pretendedthat he liked me, pretended our whole relationship everything about it, he told me he was breaking up with me and I Got heated and beat him up and tried to kill him but he finally grabbed the shotgun and knife out of my hands, Tied me to the bed and told me to "Go Kill Yourself Sara, You DON'T DESERVE LOVE, U DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE, YOUR A MISTAKE , THAT'S WHY NO-ONE EVER LOVED YOU, YOUR AN UGLY SLUT TRASHY WHORE AND U NEED TO GO 2 HELL, UR A SHITTY MOM PAYING CHILD SUPPORT. I'M GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE AT UR FUNERAL AND GUESS WHAT HOE, IM GONNA LAUGH" He went on and on , he us3d my life story and my past against me, after he was done , he took out his phone and video taped me afterward. and he shouted "How Do U Like Me Now" I Got up and grabbed my Medication bottles (Lithium, Adavan, Gabalentin, Abilify, Welbuitren, Zoloft, Vicodin, Seroquel, Norcos, Xanex, Rhresperdol, Atarax, Ambien, My Meth Needle, My Knifes, Guns, Cigarrette Lighters, and My Xprexa and ran into the bathroom, I took a whole bottle of each medication, I made slits in my arm, wrist, neck, I burned myself in the pussy and in my legs (just like how Blake did it) but I hurt myself 20 times worse than anybody ever had, I went physco and I shot myself up in both my arms with meth and heroin, I did the worst torture to myself worse than anybody ever had. I reenacted Blake, Luis ,and Juans torture , plus everyone who has ever tortured me, I did it worse. I put the gun to my head, I added more bullets and i pulled the trigger, I woke up in an ER, and they said I passed out before the bullet hit my head, so now I realize that I was lucky. God Bless everyone and everything, this is the FULL 20% of my 100% of my life story. Fuck Love, Trust N0B0DY && Stay Strong, btw it feels like somethings crawling all over me/or I'm crawling out of my skin , it happens a lot, take care I'm here. ~IzzyMagdalinozMartinez]🥀

-Who I Am Is Darkness- 8/5/14 MY.STORY. xc

hey, I know my dad may have died, after that, I went crazy, physco mental in the head I lost myself I built an emotional wall around myself, I lost my mind and went insane, did dangerous shit that I regr...et, I grew a dark side, I started having hallucinations, different personalities I got possessed, I have REALLY bad anger issues, 34 suicide attempts 50 mental hospital visits a level 14 residential treatment center in Utah and went to a group home called Rancho Domacitas. people were scared of me, I felt numb weak and empty rages and rages of explosive anger and violence, I abused myself to death, I grew worse and worse I ran away anxiety skitzophrenia depression anger violence drugs self harm suicide homoscide there's more things that no one knows about but I was a crazy bitch, I wanted to die, my hallucinations grew worse and worse I smoked my problems away "Johnny" my main hallucination abused me physically and mentally, tbh I don't know who I was I saw my deceased dad, I got the cops called on me, Johnny took full control and I went physco, I had mental episodes bad mental breakdowns ran away everyday got in reastraints started fighting, I wanted to die, I wrote a suicide letter, plenty of times I attempted but I busted my moms door down and started taking pills, I abused myself by cutting punching slamming any self harm possible my anger became to violent I mean I was a mental fucking mess, finally I lost myself so hard so bad I couldn't feel or breathe or think, I just went black, I had blackouts and then I realized I did some really dangerous stupid shit. my life was hard and I still wanted to die and take my family with me I had no touch with reality and my medication wasn't helping, I was done I thought my mom was verbally attacking me but she wasn't, I was pretty messed up, I had a dark side I had so much pain and hurt inside me I was broken and shattered I hated myself because I was a fucking mentally Ill fuck up, I had nightmares about abuse. I wanted my daddy back, I didn't believe he was dead, everyday I grew crazier to the point where I couldn't control it. and I was lost and very very sick you don't even know most of the shit I've done, I was so crazy so I got sent away for a year I got help even when I acted out, I went to a step down group home and all the hospitals. I finally could feel again, and now I'm getting better and back on track. and I find myself again thanks to all you amazing beautiful people I love to call family I don't and can't even put into words how much I love you, all of you, your my family and my mom she's amazing, you all can do this I'm here for you guys I care, you guys I just fucking love you, and thanks, stay strong. that's part of my life story sense I know you all I posted it on here. love you guys I am out of reality in a dark state not mentally there, I'm scared and in pain emotionally desturbed, it's killing me eating me alive and I can't take it the monster inside me fighting to get out. so what I might be autistic so what I have issues so what I'm retarded I still stayed strong through all my issues for 4 years if I get off my meds I get physco and crazy and "not there" I'm asbergers but I'm smart and I'm learning to stay strong and control myself, it's killing me it's tearing me apart the monster inside me, feel trapped in my body I need to get out, no people with suits my mom is not gonna die, I love my mom so much I'd die for you, for her birthday I'm writing and singing her a song I love you best mother in the world I'd die for you. sometimes it just stops, and then starts up again, his body cold on the couch, I need you I need you, but he's gone. I love my mom so much, she might need to go to the emergency room and I'll be with her right by her side the whole time, cuz I love her so much I'd do anything for her. anyways I love her I'd die for her, the most amazing person I know I'll be there for her all my life she was there for me through all my struggles, that's right no one fucks with my family. no one understands what would it be like if I was gone, I'm getting worse I need help fuck I feel numb and sick in the head, my brain is malfunctioning I don't know what's real anymore I'm done no one gets me like my mom, I'm scared full of pain I feel blank I'm going crazier I have nothing in me but a trapped girl wanting to get out of her cage, I hate this life I'm never happy, I fake I'm ok so my mom can be happy inside me is a monster inside me is someone else and depression and a no one I don't no what to say anymore what to do I cry myself to sleep all night I really do wanna die, but no inside me is full of mixed emotions a girl scared and full of rage and pain, I'm going numb insane it's killing me I am scared, I could cry for forever I love you mom, I'm so anxious I don't know what's going on, filling the empty hole inside me my moms gonna change, I fake it all it all if you new what goes on in my head u would be crying its scary it's bad I could beat myself till I bleed I hate this I'm not safe everyone is getting sick of me, I'm fucking mental and crazy, I'm the craziest girl you'll meet I was bad gone and really really sick in the head I did all the crazy things you can think, Ive done unsafe and crazy mental things I was a physcopathic, by now it's getting better slowly, my moms my life my reason to live I've had problems and struggles I want to be happy but I'm fighting the fight to get better, I'm here for all of you I might have a dark side I've been abused and I abuse myself but I'm staying strong I'm here for all of you, I love you as family and I love my mom to death and I love my mom I feel so numbed like no one knows how I feel and my problems got so bad my dark old self grew stronger than weaker, I wasn't in reality, and who I am? darkness... I've had out of body experiences out of it mentally, emotionally I was controlled by my dark side I went all out I might be crazy but I'm fighting, I'm gonna be happy i love you mom forever I've changed for the worst my mom is gonna change for the worse I just know it. darkness is taking control of me I can't control it. but I love you I love you I'm sorry I SORRY don't take me away, I've tried suicide nope not successful, I'm done but I want to make everybody proud, cuz I love you all with all my heart even tho I feel invisible like a nobody a fighter very violent I'm strong and you guys can stay strong to I'll help you every step of the way, don't you even try calling me weak I'm strong IM STRONG!!!! I don't get feelings, I'm feeling feelings I'm worried and paranoid , no one messes with my mom or I'll beat there bitch ass no one cares or understands me cuz I'm like a puzzle very complicated and crazy but I'm blessed with my family and I can stay strong through my troubles I'm sorry to everybody for being a failure a freak a mentally ill sick child I haven't pleased anyone what if I disappeared left fade away I hate this my crazy ass can end up in another institution, but I'm staying with my mom and I'm mentally 7 in the head my brain is messed up there's something wrong but what the fuck ever I LOVE MY MOM WITH MY LIFE ! I can stay strong. no more crazy me he he xP "Let's go crazy don't be fine go be sane and lose ur mind don't be fraid to lose your mind, nothing's the same, tears I shed but no words can describe the pain I feel, numb.. I LOVE YOU xx I'm losing my mind no sense scared trying to crawl out of my own skin, trapped, full of rage feeling numb, his body was moving he's not dead he's alive. why am I the only one going crazy why aren't I happy ? what if I was just an illusion I don't wanna go insane again or back to the hospital... this is how it is, welcome to the ends welcome to my life, I love you my family listen I've had a hard shitty life, lots of issues lots of treatment, I don't know what's real or what's fake I don't have touch with reality I wanna get help I wanna get better, I have faith in God he can help me turn around my life and my behaviors, I can do this, fuck you haters, I love myself again. NO MORE CRAZYNESS, I may be sick in the head I may be depressed and have problems, I care for you all and I'm learning to love my life. if I could get better in my head and my mental state even though I'm not in a good place or mentally in darkness you don't know what goes on in my head. I'm scared I don't know what's going on what's happening welcome to the ends, I'm sorry for becoming darkness, if you knew how crazy I was, you would know how far I've come through all my treatment my brain is messed up I might have a brain tumor a clot in my brain I'm not myself I'm dark I'm crazy I'm mental I have problems but I can make it through, I love you all who have always stuck by my side, I haven't been the hospital for a month I haven't done all that dangerous crazy shit in three months, I'm always sticking by your side I love you as family , I still have unresolved issues but I can do this I CAN BE STRONG ITZs NOT OVER YET! I may be out of it crazy on medication but guess what I CAN MAKE IT x.x Dont worry bout me i might not be stable but im staying strong...

●2% MoreOf My Life Story TRIGGER WARNING!!! So here is my story. I’ve been thru hell all my life and I have attachment issues cuz of my past torture hell and trauma . I usually have an estimate of 5,6,7 breakdowns a day. I’m used to everything that it’s sickening. I’ve always acted out dangerously and unsafely. Later on after my ex girlfriend Kimberly died I realized that she was the one that framed me for giving my illegally adopted son Anthony drugs and after the car accident , I saw Kim laughing and pointing at Me and later on before she hung herself... she said Anthony was never mine he was hers , and I would never be a mother, and that’s why my mom always was a bitch to me. My mom NEVER would kick me out, or so I thought, after I came home from Foster Care she acted strange , not as bad as before. And she kicked me out then took me back in then kicked me out and so on and so forth. I was in LA getting fucked up and on one occasion 2 guys got me really drunk and I woke up In the bathroom and my pants were down and I was on my cycle and everyone saw, I went to the ER, and they said I got raped (again) in the period of my 12th time being homeless. I got raped over 20 times . I almost got killed multiple times, on one occasion I was walking and a van pulled up to the curb and they pointed a gun towards me and told me to get in, I did and they raped me in the back seat and they force fed me, gave me some meth and pointed the gun towards my head the whole way towards there house... they were master bating and would shove there dirty hands down my throat they forced me to have oral. When we got to there house they had a knife up to my throat and I screamed and then the rest was a blackout and I ended up on some strangers lawn . I go to Journey Tay in Spruce street in Corona, I constantly go to CSU and I have a physciatrist and a therapist, but I’m closed off and very touchy with everyone cus my social anxiety trust issues and past trauma. I know I’m broken damaged and helpless but I have a strong faith in God!!!! Anyways on 12/25/2018.. there was this boy approached me during Christmas Eve, and he acted completely fine and normal and caring and sweet and kind hearted and usually I can tell when somethings off. He led me into his trap, I gave him a kiss, and we laughed and. Hung out and we were texting over FaceBook messenger, he constantly asked where I lived and I started to connect with him. On Christmas Day after we opened Christmas gifts we went to Starbucks and he texted me and told me he was at Starbucks, I noticed him getting weird, he didn’t look good at all.. he kept telling me about getting liquor , I mentioned it first , but I changed my mind and he wouldn’t stop . We went to a Walmart where there was nobody there cus Of Christmas. We hung out . We were heading out and he spotted a soda machine, he asked me for a dollar and he put it in the soda machine and I asked where’s mine, he said he had a dollar and I was putting mine back in my purse, I was recording with my iPod touch , and in a split of a second he grabbed my I touch and my wallet with over 400 dollars in it. pushed me and ran, it scared me cus it was out of nowhere. And I gave him my all. And I was hurt. And I still can’t believe it’s true , that all of that was an act, I thought it was for my movie cus we were making a movie , I got up and nobody cared, some people laughed, and I called the cops, not even the security or the costumers care, nobody cares. The cops showed up and she asked me questions, and I’m going to court and there doing an investigation . After that my PTSD got 20 times worse and I started acting out having more episodes and I felt alone. I had another physcotic break . I’ve been to court many times for many reasons : I spend most my holidays away, I spent mine at CSU, and I got worse, I started smoking hookah and I started cutting and popping my meds again, trying to overdose once again . And my behaviors and mental state of mind and insanity and physcotic episodes got worse. They still are. And I know I have support. I’m here for you all , stay strong. May God Be With You!!!!!

●Angelique/Ezxekyal "Izzy" Magdalinoz-Martinez /Sara Nicole Pierce /Br0k3n R0z3z /Tyler Fiaskko-Alvaro

●MY INFO: ||WATTPAD (WHERE I'M WORKING ON WRITING MY LIFE STORY) Ms_SweetInsanityyx ||MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL: TwistedMetal411 ||MY INSTAGRAM: Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez😔😔

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lets-steal-an-archive · 5 years ago

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Excerpted from: Felschow, Laura. “Plagiarism or Props? Homage to Neil Gaiman in Eric Kripke’s Supernatural.” TV Goes to Hell: An Unofficial Road Map of Supernatural. Eds. Stacey Abbott and David Lavery. Toronto: ECW Press, 2011. 230-43. Print.

Paved with Good Intentions: Angels, Demons, an Anti-Christ, and an Apocalypse

Season 4 kicks off with Dean being raised from Hell by the stoic and mysterious angel Castiel. What follows is a two season-long debate over where the truth lies and the nature of good and evil/Heaven and Hell. “We take the Book of Revelation and tweak it and twist it to fit our world,” series writer Jeremy Carver states in the season 4 special feature “The Mythologies of Supernatural.” What Carver does not say is that, more than before, Supernatural draws more heavily on American Gods, Neverwhere, and Good Omens for source material.

Gaiman and Pratchett’s Good Omens tells the story of a prophesized end of the world due to come about at the hands of an 11-year-old Antichrist, Adam Young. As the Four Horsemen take to the streets on their motorcycles, Aziraphale, an angel with an affinity for rare books, and Crowley, a demon with a love of booze, speed, and fine suits, decide that they might actually like the world and humanity and don’t care for it to end just yet. Expected enemies become friends, supposed allies become dangerous foes, and even God’s plan is not foolproof. This is also a recurring theme in seasons 4 and 5 of Supernatural.

As Sam explores his demon-killing powers at the behest of alleged demon ally Ruby, Dean is urged by the angels of Heaven to stop his brother from going astray and to help them in their mission to avert the Apocalypse. In the end, both angels and demons are shown to be traitors and deceivers; the supposed faces of good are merely masks. The angels desire the Apocalypse just as much as the demons from Hell, and both sides use their powers of manipulation to maneuver the brothers into positions to ensure this disastrous outcome. Episodes such as “Heaven and Hell” (4.10), “On the Head of a Pin” (4.16), “The Monster at the End of This Book” (4.18), “When the Levee Breaks” (4.21), and “Lucifer Rising” (4.22) all pivot around the treacherous nature of these heavenly and hellish cohorts. Even Castiel, who is for the most part helpful to the boys, double-crosses them when he sets Sam free from blood detox in “When the Levee Breaks.” Other angels such as Uriel, Anna, Michael, and Raphael all attempt to destroy the Winchesters rather than be of assistance or comfort. Similarly, in “99 Problems” (5.17) a young lady purporting to be a prophet of the lord is in fact the Whore of Babylon, there to wreak havoc and bring mayhem and death to all in a small town.

The Archangel Zachariah, in particular, continues to be a constant threat to the Winchesters, second only to Lucifer among season 5’s major villains. In this case, the two-faced angel is more reminiscent of the Angel Islington of Gaiman’s Neverwhere. Similar to Supernatural, that novel also “bursts with contrasts of what-is-real and what-is-not-supposed-to-be-real-but-is. An angel of light proves to be the most monstrous villain of all” (Brahen 141). Zachariah, who first presents himself as an ally to the Winchesters, is revealed at the end of season 4 to have his own agenda in helping to bring about the Apocalypse, and he plagues Sam and Dean across the entirety of season 5, beginning in “Sympathy for the Devil” (5.1) and continuing through “The End” (5.4), “Dark Side of the Moon” (5.16), “Point of No Return” (5.18), “Two Minutes to Midnight” (5.21), and “Swan Song” (5.22).

There are other ways in which the story of the Angel Islington of Neverwhere connects to Supernatural’s narrative. Islington is trapped inside a cage in the underworld and attempts to manipulate that story’s hero and heroine, Richard and Door, into giving him the means of escape by first making them think they are helping the side of good. Richard and Door go on a long perilous journey and overcome many obstacles, only to realize that they have been tricked. While Door and Richard see through the angel’s ruse and emerge victorious, Sam and Dean are not so fortunate at the end of Supernatural’s fourth season. The demons Lilith and Ruby successfully trick Sam into killing Lilith in order to “stop Lucifer,” when in reality Lilith sacrificing herself by Sam’s hand sets Lucifer loose upon the world.

As God, Lucifer, and the angels begin to play a larger role in Supernatural’s mythology, both Sam and Dean question the savagery to which they bear witness nearly every day of their lives. Dean most especially rails against the idea of a god who would allow so many to suffer and perish. Gaiman’s story “24 Hours” from The Sandman Vol. 1: Preludes & Nocturnes, in which a serial killer tortures and murders innocent customers in a diner, also concentrates on “the problem of evil, and the failure of moral and ethical systems to address it. For this slaughter has no meaning, no higher explanations of why God would allow such a thing to happen” (Rauch 126). When Sam and Dean come face-to-face with God’s representative, Joshua in “Dark Side of the Moon,” they are informed God will not speak with them and he will intervene no further. To this Dean angrily retorts: “So he’s just going to sit back and watch the world burn?” and refers to God as “just another deadbeat dad with a bunch of excuses.”

Again, these commonalities between Gaiman’s work and the Supernatural world are at this point more thematic and abstract than concrete. It is one thing to state that such-and-such element from the series reminds one of Gaiman. A case just as easily could be made that the series’ attitude or overall storylines echo that of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, for instance. But in Season 5, the situation ceases to be “this reminds me of . . .” and turns into “Hey, that’s exactly like . . .”

Case in point: “I Believe the Children Are Our Future” (5.6) features a young boy named Jesse who is of demonic parentage, his mother having been possessed by a demon at the time of his birth. This gives the mischievous lad a number of unique powers that permit him to unknowingly bring things from his imagination to life. Soon, children are getting sick from eating Pop Rocks and drinking soda, joy buzzers are electrocuting people to death, and someone’s face really is freezing like that. Castiel informs Sam and Dean that Jesse is the Anti-Christ and possesses the ability to kill angels with a single thought. His mother has gone through great effort to hide him from demonic and heavenly agents, and until Jesse inadvertently discovered his powers, she had been successful. While Castiel believes that the boy must be killed or he will become an unstoppable tool on the side of evil, Sam and Dean think that Jesse will be able to make the right choices. In the end, Jesse is convinced and removes himself from the equation by going into hiding and telling no one, not even his mother, where he is going.

A child Anti-Christ with unique gifts who, in the end, makes the right choices in the face of evil? Jesse may as well have been named Adam Young, who, in Good Omens, is a spirited troublemaker who nonetheless opts not to “mess people around.” When Metatron, the Voice of God, informs him that Armageddon may be a “temporary inconvenience, but that should hardly stand in the way of the ultimate good,” Adam eventually replies:

I just don’t see why everyone and everything has to be burned up and everything. [. . .] An’ not even for anything important. Jus’ to see who’s got the best gang [. . .] But even if you win, you can’t really beat the other side, because you don’t really want to. I mean, not for good. You’ll just start all over again (334).

Adam goes on to say: “I don’t see why it matters what is written. Not when it’s about people. It can always be crossed out” (337). Dean echoes this sentiment by dubbing himself, Sam, and Castiel “Team Free Will” and stating with typical Winchester flair: “Screw destiny. Right in the face” (“The Song Remains the Same,” 5.13; “Point of No Return”).

Jesse is not the only character from Supernatural that has its roots in Omen’s pages. The demon Crowley, who enters the series in “Abandon All Hope” (5.10) and returns in “The Devil You Know” (5.20) and “Two Minutes to Midnight,” is a smooth-tongued, sharply dressed wheeler-dealer with a British accent, expensive tastes, and a desire to help the Winchesters avert the Apocalypse. He makes his first appearance in an abandoned parking lot underneath a looping tangle of busy highways.

The Crowley of Good Omens is also a smooth-tongued, sharply dressed wheeler-dealer with a British accent and expensive tastes, and one of his “better achievements” is the M25 orbital motorway motorway in London, “generally agreed to be among the top contenders” as evidence of the “hidden hand of Satan in the affairs of Man” (13). While the Crowley of Supernatural has a greater penchant for violence than the Crowley of Gaiman and Pratchett’s book, in almost all other respects, they are so similar that there is little doubt that the character is meant as a direct homage to Good Omens.

While some might likewise think that Castiel could be the angelic equivalent of the book’s Aziraphale, Crowley’s Apocalypse-preventing angelic partner is a bit too carefree. Castiel only resembles Aziraphale overall in his growing preference for humanity and, in particular, as Castiel begins to lose his angelic powers and copes in decidedly human ways such as moping and getting drunk (“99 Problems”). Unlike the case for the two Crowleys, the equivalency of Aziraphale to Castiel is a dicey proposition.

But angels and demons are not the only creatures Supernatural has in common with Gaiman. There is one last episode that seems to have stepped right out of Gaiman’s pages and on to the television screen. [3 of 4]

#from the archives #posting in four parts #acafandom #comparative narrative #i see what you did there #american gods #good omens #supernatural #gaimanesque

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mittensmorgul · 5 years ago

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3.09, Malleus Maleficarum. The one where we finally learn about witches and witchcraft, and learn a heck of a lot more about demons. Most importantly, we learn about what happens to human souls in hell, and how demons are made... which is effectively the same thing...

Souls + Hell = Demons

which brings us to 3.10, Dream A Little Dream Of Me... because this heavily influences Dean's "dream." I've written a bit about this episode in the past, including during and after s14:

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-3.10

But Dean literally fights off his own "inner demon" in this episode, who taunts him with everything, beginning with having to literally force Dean to talk with him at gunpoint, behind a locked door. Imagine avoiding looking at the truth of yourself so hard your subconscious literally has to hold you at gunpoint to get you to deal with your own shit...

DREAM DEAN: You are nothing. You're as mindless and obedient as an attack dog. DEAN: (smiling in denial, braving it out): That -That's not true. DREAM DEAN: No? What are the things that you want? What are the things that you dream? I mean, your car? That's Dad's. Your favorite leather jacket? Dad's. Your music? Dad's. Do you even have an original thought? DEAN scoffs, not wanting to admit to anything. DREAM DEAN: No. No, all there is is, "Watch out for Sammy. Look out for your little brother, boy!" You can still hear your Dad's voice in your head, can't you?

At the end of the episode, after defeating Jeremy, Dean tells Sam that he doesn't want to go to Hell, and even that miniscule mote of self-worth is a massive turning point for Dean. It changes everything that comes after. He might still be willing to sacrifice himself in the name of saving the universe, but he's never really able to pretend it's a throwaway gesture for him.

And Sam... this is a rather terrifying series of episodes for Sam, too. He starts off rather naive with regard to all the magical stuff, willing to accept Ruby's help dealing with the witches in 3.09, willing to believe that Ruby really can help him save Dean (even though she's confessed to Dean that she can't, so we clearly know she's lying to Sam about that to string him along). But once again he has to face an iteration of Dean's death as he's cursed... and it's Ruby who saves him. He even learns something from the first time he uses the dreamroot in 3.10 to the second.

Dean stays largely on point in dealing with Bobby, breaking him out of his nightmare and convincing him to wake up, and on his second trip into dreamrootland he gets literally lost in the woods and finds himself in there among the trees. But Sam? On that first trip into Bobby's mind, despite Dean's warning to stick together, Sam wanders OUTSIDE. He walks out, on the pretense of looking for Bobby, but it's bordering on irrational-- if entering Bobby's dream put them inside the house, then Bobby would logically be trapped somewhere inside the house, you know? But this is the first "it was night, and now it's day" moment for Sam. As he's distracted trying to figure this out, the door slams behind him, locking him out of the house and into the outdoors with Jeremy-- who is fully in control inside the dream. Like Sam slowly growing to understand his Special Powers in s2, he's new at this dreamroot nonsense and hasn't yet figured out (like Dean did instinctively) that he should be able to take control just as much as Jeremy did. He says it the second time he uses the dreamroot, though, but only after Jeremy practically beats the snot out of him, "I took the dreamroot, too," and finally turns the dream on Jeremy... using the memory of his abusive father against him, the abusive father who literally became Jeremy's cause of death.

(there's also the matter of Bela sneaking around while they were all distracted trying to save themselves, giving her the chance to snatch the Colt out from under their noses in an attempt to save herself, giving it to the demon who held her contract... which makes me wonder if Crowley didn't release her from Hell after her contract was fulfilled... it's more of an interesting thought exercise than anything, but considering that Crowley was willing to buy and sell the Colt multiple times for his own convenience over the years, it makes me wonder what he gave Bela for it back then... okay, back to the point)

But this brings us to the biggest lesson yet for Sam, in 3.11, Mystery Spot. I've written a bit recently about Gabriel serving as an interesting mirror in the narrative for Chuck-- and really all four archangels reflecting different aspects of God, of which Chuck is just the "friendly" human face.

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/184946657745/so-im-still-out-ahead-of-the-tnt-loop-but-i

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/184996231285/so-ive-watched-four-more-episodes-since-my-last

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/185420597825/final-episode-of-todays-tnt-loop-is-too-precious

Because like Chuck, Gabriel keeps nudging the narrative, keeps nudging TFW, pretending he's something so much "tamer" than what he actually is, faking a level of disconnect from the main narrative like Chuck did in playing the part of "prophet," pretending to be just as much a victim of the narrative as everyone else when in reality it was all his storytelling all along. Gabriel plays the trickster, hiding his true identity to give him reason to interact with Sam and Dean (and eventually Cas) until they finally see through to his true identity.

We have that with Chuck on a much bigger scale, with the ultimate reveal only coming in 14.20. And I think there's one more reveal regarding him and his influence in this universe to come, but more on that later...

But Gabriel uses this literal time loop to teach Sam a lesson. We watch Sam horrifically shaken by Dean's first few "deaths" in 3.11, watch him zoom through over a hundred narrative loops... or spirals, if you will, until he's finally ready for the "real lesson" Gabriel needed to teach him. Broken down again and again until he's forced to confront what his life will be like without Dean. His focus in that iteration is a six month singleminded quest to find the Trickster and force him to put everything back, including Dean... Despite the fact that Dean is already destined for Hell, and only has months to live anyway. Gabriel does eventually put everything back, as if those six months of driven revenge never happened. And for Dean, they didn't. But for Sam? He's been handed a lesson, and he's never gonna be able to forget it.

It's spirals all the way down, and there's some destinies you can't run from. Because the universe is conspiring against you in ways you can't even comprehend yet. And it's only gonna get worse from here.

#spn 3.09 #spn 3.10 #spn 3.11 #s14 hellatus rewatch #spn 14.20 #if you say 'mysterious ways' so help me i will kick your ass #it's spirals all the way down #that's what free will is #gabriel as mirror of chuck #spiders georg of the tnt loop

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trippz2ill2ace8itout · 5 years ago

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🥀🔥🔥🥀||HOPE #1; ||You Know My Name Not My Story||🥀🔥🔥🥀

Sorrry i forgot to post the first one. No pity no sympathy no attention. TRIGGRR WARNING!! ●21%0F.MY.LIFE ||UDATED VERSION: ...|| 🥀Itz Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez,BiRomantic-Asexual. I am am recovering drug addict and alcoholic, on Step One &11MonthsClean (used every drug except shrooms, Molly and Bathsalts) .I use to forget about my pain, I went to rehabs,(CHYC as mental health and drugNAlcohol Treatment for a year, went to NA and AA?meetings once a week) I'm 21 years old, my dad died In 2011 (of a reported heart attack, but I thought I killed him, I tried to kill him in his sleep multiple times), but he abused me since I was 4 (I fought back at age 9, when the torture got worse, when he hit my mom I started going on a rampage) (beenThruTraumaSince4till2monthsAgo) but I couldn't tell my mom he was abusing me and torturing me (on multiple occasions on our "father-daughter trips" or when we were alone) or he would sell me or kill me, so I had mixed feelings he injection me with Meth and Heroin (inside a parked car at Carl's Jr, he also made me go to the bathroom && strip for him, he would shoot me up and laugh),, i was out on the streets at first in 2012 (I want insane and lost it in May of 2011), now I'm homeless 13 times (witnessed a lot of crimes, did crimes, a lot happened to me also I did a lot as well) ,getting arrested, in fights, almost been killed, I rose a 9 year old kid (now 14 years old) named Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was I an abusive foster home, so me and my motel roommate and ex girlfriend of One Year. Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took him in, I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away,after acar accident&igot framed for giving him drugs,&Inever seen him since,Kimberly and i adopted him from an abusive foster home, after me and Kimberly broke up cuz she was cheating on me with my friend Jeremy and b4 Anthony got taken we went 2 court and Kim got all parental rights and i had to pay child support and got superviszed visits, Jeremy Baraz later told me that Kimberly and him were engaged, I got heated and flipped out and he raped me and we got into an altercation, he helped me on the streets&&was my partner in crime , he bailed me out at the police station (after I got put on temporary probation for continually committing crimes and trashing a strangers car cuz there was drugs in there and they were going to go after my son with that car and drug him up, later they cut the probation if I went to long term rehab) , Ishmael Baraz (Jeremys brother, also guided me and later on got into a shooting scene, so i had to bail him out, only fair u know, we went crazy and i almost got killed and so did he, i pointed the gun towards the officer and stated "if you don't let my friend go, I will shoot u and all of ur officers", and they tazed me (and on multiple other occasions went crazy on police, grabbed the gun , gotten tazed, got the cops called on me for no reason but sometimes 4A reason, im known for police, fire department, AMR, sherriffs etc.) he was a convicted felon, && We were all in a cop chase, we made it to OC with Jeremy, and later on Jeremy &Ismhael myBuddyzGotSh0t isaw the entire thing , and I almost got killed as well, &iwasProstituting/got sold, got drugged up and abused 4 money4us (To raise Anthony, and have a hotel for me Kim and him to live), after that incident of Anthony getting taken Kimberly tried to kill me in my sleep with Ambien.a meth needle and vodka.i woke up in an ER, and she killed herself (right in front of me and I tried 2 st0p her, but I was 2latee ,been raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up.people on the streets,&by sum1 Idon't wanna talk about (now I'm coming clean, it was Kimberly) I was in Foster Care a couple times, the 2nd time i was in abusive/Drugaddicts, Angela and Jimmy Miller (they tortured, force fed, raped, abused, but me, drugged me up, had multiple people (over 40 a day) come in an rape me one by one, Angela and Jimmy had a meth lab in there house and I slept in the middle of the attic, they locked me up in there) , first a foster called GHS with staff instead of parents, and with Lisa (who was like a grandma to me but she passed away later on so I moved , later finding out that she attempted suicide) I've been in 215 mental hospitals (ETS, Loma Linda, Arrowhead, Cedars Cienai, San Bernardino Community, Delamo, The Willows "CRC", Auoura Charter Oaks, Auoura Las Encinas, UCI, Canyon Ridge, Kaiser, Kaiser Sunset, College Hospital, lock down treatment centers,1in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, multiple treatment centers, crisis centers (Crisis Stabelization Unit a 24 hour crisis center [CSU] over 80 times), 2 week mental health and drug/alcohol programs (STAY Program (2x), Jumpstreet, Excelsior House, Rancho West, and Telecare Lagos...2x each) group homes (Rancho Domocitas), Boarding Cares (Golden Girls, a SSI paid house of all girls) rehabs (Cedar House 2x, CHYC, and multiple others), shelters (House of Miracles, Lutheran Mission, Set Free Ranch, Path Of Life, and many otherz), the streets (13 times homeless/on the streets, LA, OC, Menifee, Riverside, Murrietta, Mission Viejo, Corona, irvine and San Bernardino), been in car accidents (over 10 times),I've been arrested and detained by a lot of cops in Corona (know mostly all of them, a lot of other people know me in Riverside), I have anger issues (extremely bad), been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade, I've attempted suicide over 50 timesXI've self harmed on multiple occasions (in all kinds of different methods) Ihave bipolar (manic depressive disorder type 1 mixed episode), pre diabetes (got rid of).depression (major depressive disorder).paranioa.anxiety.Buliemia.insomnia.Dissociative Identity Fued.skitzoaffective (extreme skitzophrenia && bipolar mixed) ptsd,ocd,attachment disorder.Autism.borderlinepersonality.amnesia.multiple personality disorder, anorexia, && im deaf in my right ear, near sighted, motion sickness, social anxiety, gastridous, && lastly, chronic body pain .....i helped the homeless and people In hospitals (I help everyone way toooo much) been0nallmentalHealthmedication (I mean ALL, including narcotics and Benzos, and any pill u can use to get high) ppl TriedToSend Me2 MetropolitanStateHospital(highestLevelOfCare), IMD (Institution For The Mentally Diseased) on multiple occasions, ive been to many therapists, physciatrists, ER's, and been on 51/50, 52/50 holds , concervertaship, and lastly ive got taken away from my mom on 4 occasions (personal reasons) I've never had a stable home since 2011,now on Augest of 2018 I'm finally home,ihelp others cus im used to people not caring about me, I have trust issues,im always there2help to care to make sure thereok and I don't stop.StayStronq.It's Izzy Here Again. I Have 22 different voices/demons/visions in my head. Johnny Garcia, Lily, Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos , Charlotte McMann, Wesley Garcia, Constance McMann, Dancing Fire (demon like archangel misunderstood in the form of fire, might be another world trying 2 contact me), Chandy/Gladdis/Leon/Charlene/Raul/Ralphie/George/Michaela aka Michael(all characters from my movie etc.), Erin Ramos. DANCING Squares, Duplicates of People, Bad Mommy/Good Mommy, Bad Daddy/Good Daddy, Visions&Hallucinations of Past/Future, Cones, Red Dots, Flyerway, Veronica/Victoria Enxxellia, Objects Having Force On Me, Flying Objects, Demons Posessing Me. SatanslashGod (can't tell the difference), Richard Enxxellia, Three 7's, Seventy Three 6's, Puppoi (A Duplicate Of My Puppy Raskcal), Mr.OutOfDate, NXSP (0ne Of The Alter Worlds I Live In As Liz Ramos, as I raise hell with Johnny "JJ" Garcia (I try to kill him on multiple occasions but I pulled the Red Wire && he got worse), The Ends (The End Of NXSP it's worse than hell itself times infinity 100 percent), Jonathan Maqranga, TwentyStepsForward, Edgar "Eddie" Alejandria, Dancing Rooms, UglyBitterSky, TheFuckAllTheWayUpInTheSky, Chillwax Alejandria, People From My Past, A Vivid Movie Like Form Of My Whole Past From Beginning To End Flashing By In My Head (Random Times, Coordinated by Dancing Fire Themself), ClosedOptions, Paid2Kill Hernandez, etc.. I Got Chocked, Raped, Tortured, Tied Up, Shot At, Tied To A Tree, Slept In Bathrooms && In Cars (Having Blake Follow Me Into Everywhere I Go && Went into the bathroom , shoving knives, pins, needles, food, guns, sticks, and other shit inside me and he would rape me and if i talked he would kill me. I met Blake at a gas station 3 times to give me my drugs and alcohol paid by for sex with him), I Had 3 Drug Dealers, Juan Torres, Blake Vandiego, Luis Alexander (last name unknown, all of these people didn't give me there real last names, they Identified as what they told me to call them) Blake did the worst torture (playing cakes with me, roleplaying, video taping the torture, I woke up in my bed and he woke me up with 12 meth needles, and we played Pin The Donkey. he would cut me, slice me, bang my body parts on brick walls, put 2 guns in my mouth, 1 gun in each ear, and beat me, burned me, shoved a lighter turned on in my pussy and my butt, he would light me up, and so much much much more torture, all for drugs and money when I became poor), Luis did the 2nd worse torture (he would put a gun to my head at every meal time , beat me, had rough uncosensual sex, played games with me chasing me naked in the hotel room but while playing my sex tapes on the TV, and he would make me sleep outside, all 4 drugs/money when I needed it), and Juan did no torture except (rape me and made me do crimes like the other two did, but he was the sweetest) me and Juan dated for about 4 months, then he perposed, I SAID yes, 4 weeks later he asked me to marry him, and I said no, he said it was fine but 4 weeks later he killed himself with 5 whole bottles of Gabapentin. I Got tortured by more than all 3 of these people. I was a BAD bad bad kid at 12, I was criminally and critically insane, and I did insane things, my behaviors were extremely dangerous/violent/brutal/physcotic/homoscidally insane. 0n 0ne occasion I tried to kill my mom and brother (to take them to Heaven with me), my dad, People on the streets and many many others. I've almost been to Juvenial Hall/Jail on multiple occasions. In the dark Kimberly tried to kill me after she got high on Spice. she reenacted a scene from Criminal Minds that she saw. I was being chased with a knife around my motel room with Anthony watching (he's my son, not by blood but by heart cuz blood doesn't make family), Lisa 0ne Of My Foster Parents would treat me well but on one occasion and one occasion only, she put a gun to my head and told me to shoot her first and than me . so we could escape from this world. I refused and she started drinking heavily , I was her only friend, she had a BAD past as well. her behaviors changed drastically and I would have 2 watch her hurt herself, drink, walk around naked singing Kill Me Kill Me Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead, and What Is Love, I watched her self harm and I tried 2 stop her, but whenever I tried to she would scream and give the gun to me again, she is currently (she's dead but awhile later) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease, Autism, Skitzophrenia, and PTSD. She killed herself later on. When I was a patient in multiple of the placements/hospitals/lockdown treatment centers/rehabs/crisis centers/stabilization units etc etc. I would misbehave really badly, I would have protected sex, get in fights, extreme physcotic episodes, do drugs when it was not permitted, I'm used to doing worse crimes on the streets anyways.I got bullied 4 the 1st time inside of CHYC, last but yes least, DAMGEROUSLY CRAZY ME wants to tell u one more thing, when I was homeless, A boy named Timothy Sagaste (not real last name) lead me on and we got engaged after 6 months of dating cuz we were so close, I trusted him, we had a connection, but after leading me on for so long I thought things were TOO perfect, and I was right, after I got engaged to him, we had a romantic dinner &; he told me that he was seeing someone else, that he pretendedthat he liked me, pretended our whole relationship everything about it, he told me he was breaking up with me and I Got heated and beat him up and tried to kill him but he finally grabbed the shotgun and knife out of my hands, Tied me to the bed and told me to "Go Kill Yourself Sara, You DON'T DESERVE LOVE, U DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE, YOUR A MISTAKE , THAT'S WHY NO-ONE EVER LOVED YOU, YOUR AN UGLY SLUT TRASHY WHORE AND U NEED TO GO 2 HELL, UR A SHITTY MOM PAYING CHILD SUPPORT. I'M GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE AT UR FUNERAL AND GUESS WHAT HOE, IM GONNA LAUGH" He went on and on , he us3d my life story and my past against me, after he was done , he took out his phone and video taped me afterward. and he shouted "How Do U Like Me Now" I Got up and grabbed my Medication bottles (Lithium, Adavan, Gabalentin, Abilify, Welbuitren, Zoloft, Vicodin, Seroquel, Norcos, Xanex, Rhresperdol, Atarax, Ambien, My Meth Needle, My Knifes, Guns, Cigarrette Lighters, and My Xprexa and ran into the bathroom, I took a whole bottle of each medication, I made slits in my arm, wrist, neck, I burned myself in the pussy and in my legs (just like how Blake did it) but I hurt myself 20 times worse than anybody ever had, I went physco and I shot myself up in both my arms with meth and heroin, I did the worst torture to myself worse than anybody ever had. I reenacted Blake, Luis ,and Juans torture , plus everyone who has ever tortured me, I did it worse. I put the gun to my head, I added more bullets and i pulled the trigger, I woke up in an ER, and they said I passed out before the bullet hit my head, so now I realize that I was lucky. God Bless everyone and everything, this is the FULL 20% of my 100% of my life story. Fuck Love, Trust N0B0DY && Stay Strong, btw it feels like somethings crawling all over me/or I'm crawling out of my skin , it happens a lot, take care I'm here. ~IzzyMagdalinozMartinez]🥀 -Who I Am Is Darkness- 8/5/14 MY.STORY. xc hey, I know my dad may have died, after that, I went crazy, physco mental in the head I lost myself I built an emotional wall around myself, I lost my mind and went insane, did dangerous shit that I regr...et, I grew a dark side, I started having hallucinations, different personalities I got possessed, I have REALLY bad anger issues, 34 suicide attempts 50 mental hospital visits a level 14 residential treatment center in Utah and went to a group home called Rancho Domacitas. people were scared of me, I felt numb weak and empty rages and rages of explosive anger and violence, I abused myself to death, I grew worse and worse I ran away anxiety skitzophrenia depression anger violence drugs self harm suicide homoscide there's more things that no one knows about but I was a crazy bitch, I wanted to die, my hallucinations grew worse and worse I smoked my problems away "Johnny" my main hallucination abused me physically and mentally, tbh I don't know who I was I saw my deceased dad, I got the cops called on me, Johnny took full control and I went physco, I had mental episodes bad mental breakdowns ran away everyday got in reastraints started fighting, I wanted to die, I wrote a suicide letter, plenty of times I attempted but I busted my moms door down and started taking pills, I abused myself by cutting punching slamming any self harm possible my anger became to violent I mean I was a mental fucking mess, finally I lost myself so hard so bad I couldn't feel or breathe or think, I just went black, I had blackouts and then I realized I did some really dangerous stupid shit. my life was hard and I still wanted to die and take my family with me I had no touch with reality and my medication wasn't helping, I was done I thought my mom was verbally attacking me but she wasn't, I was pretty messed up, I had a dark side I had so much pain and hurt inside me I was broken and shattered I hated myself because I was a fucking mentally Ill fuck up, I had nightmares about abuse. I wanted my daddy back, I didn't believe he was dead, everyday I grew crazier to the point where I couldn't control it. and I was lost and very very sick you don't even know most of the shit I've done, I was so crazy so I got sent away for a year I got help even when I acted out, I went to a step down group home and all the hospitals. I finally could feel again, and now I'm getting better and back on track. and I find myself again thanks to all you amazing beautiful people I love to call family I don't and can't even put into words how much I love you, all of you, your my family and my mom she's amazing, you all can do this I'm here for you guys I care, you guys I just fucking love you, and thanks, stay strong. that's part of my life story sense I know you all I posted it on here. love you guys I am out of reality in a dark state not mentally there, I'm scared and in pain emotionally desturbed, it's killing me eating me alive and I can't take it the monster inside me fighting to get out. so what I might be autistic so what I have issues so what I'm retarded I still stayed strong through all my issues for 4 years if I get off my meds I get physco and crazy and "not there" I'm asbergers but I'm smart and I'm learning to stay strong and control myself, it's killing me it's tearing me apart the monster inside me, feel trapped in my body I need to get out, no people with suits my mom is not gonna die, I love my mom so much I'd die for you, for her birthday I'm writing and singing her a song I love you best mother in the world I'd die for you. sometimes it just stops, and then starts up again, his body cold on the couch, I need you I need you, but he's gone. I love my mom so much, she might need to go to the emergency room and I'll be with her right by her side the whole time, cuz I love her so much I'd do anything for her. anyways I love her I'd die for her, the most amazing person I know I'll be there for her all my life she was there for me through all my struggles, that's right no one fucks with my family. no one understands what would it be like if I was gone, I'm getting worse I need help fuck I feel numb and sick in the head, my brain is malfunctioning I don't know what's real anymore I'm done no one gets me like my mom, I'm scared full of pain I feel blank I'm going crazier I have nothing in me but a trapped girl wanting to get out of her cage, I hate this life I'm never happy, I fake I'm ok so my mom can be happy inside me is a monster inside me is someone else and depression and a no one I don't no what to say anymore what to do I cry myself to sleep all night I really do wanna die, but no inside me is full of mixed emotions a girl scared and full of rage and pain, I'm going numb insane it's killing me I am scared, I could cry for forever I love you mom, I'm so anxious I don't know what's going on, filling the empty hole inside me my moms gonna change, I fake it all it all if you new what goes on in my head u would be crying its scary it's bad I could beat myself till I bleed I hate this I'm not safe everyone is getting sick of me, I'm fucking mental and crazy, I'm the craziest girl you'll meet I was bad gone and really really sick in the head I did all the crazy things you can think, Ive done unsafe and crazy mental things I was a physcopathic, by now it's getting better slowly, my moms my life my reason to live I've had problems and struggles I want to be happy but I'm fighting the fight to get better, I'm here for all of you I might have a dark side I've been abused and I abuse myself but I'm staying strong I'm here for all of you, I love you as family and I love my mom to death and I love my mom I feel so numbed like no one knows how I feel and my problems got so bad my dark old self grew stronger than weaker, I wasn't in reality, and who I am? darkness... I've had out of body experiences out of it mentally, emotionally I was controlled by my dark side I went all out I might be crazy but I'm fighting, I'm gonna be happy i love you mom forever I've changed for the worst my mom is gonna change for the worse I just know it. darkness is taking control of me I can't control it. but I love you I love you I'm sorry I SORRY don't take me away, I've tried suicide nope not successful, I'm done but I want to make everybody proud, cuz I love you all with all my heart even tho I feel invisible like a nobody a fighter very violent I'm strong and you guys can stay strong to I'll help you every step of the way, don't you even try calling me weak I'm strong IM STRONG!!!! I don't get feelings, I'm feeling feelings I'm worried and paranoid , no one messes with my mom or I'll beat there bitch ass no one cares or understands me cuz I'm like a puzzle very complicated and crazy but I'm blessed with my family and I can stay strong through my troubles I'm sorry to everybody for being a failure a freak a mentally ill sick child I haven't pleased anyone what if I disappeared left fade away I hate this my crazy ass can end up in another institution, but I'm staying with my mom and I'm mentally 7 in the head my brain is messed up there's something wrong but what the fuck ever I LOVE MY MOM WITH MY LIFE ! I can stay strong. no more crazy me he he xP "Let's go crazy don't be fine go be sane and lose ur mind don't be fraid to lose your mind, nothing's the same, tears I shed but no words can describe the pain I feel, numb.. I LOVE YOU xx I'm losing my mind no sense scared trying to crawl out of my own skin, trapped, full of rage feeling numb, his body was moving he's not dead he's alive. why am I the only one going crazy why aren't I happy ? what if I was just an illusion I don't wanna go insane again or back to the hospital... this is how it is, welcome to the ends welcome to my life, I love you my family listen I've had a hard shitty life, lots of issues lots of treatment, I don't know what's real or what's fake I don't have touch with reality I wanna get help I wanna get better, I have faith in God he can help me turn around my life and my behaviors, I can do this, fuck you haters, I love myself again. NO MORE CRAZYNESS, I may be sick in the head I may be depressed and have problems, I care for you all and I'm learning to love my life. if I could get better in my head and my mental state even though I'm not in a good place or mentally in darkness you don't know what goes on in my head. I'm scared I don't know what's going on what's happening welcome to the ends, I'm sorry for becoming darkness, if you knew how crazy I was, you would know how far I've come through all my treatment my brain is messed up I might have a brain tumor a clot in my brain I'm not myself I'm dark I'm crazy I'm mental I have problems but I can make it through, I love you all who have always stuck by my side, I haven't been the hospital for a month I haven't done all that dangerous crazy shit in three months, I'm always sticking by your side I love you as family , I still have unresolved issues but I can do this I CAN BE STRONG ITZs NOT OVER YET! I may be out of it crazy on medication but guess what I CAN MAKE IT x.x Dont worry bout me i might not be stable but im staying strong... ●2% MoreOf My Life Story TRIGGER WARNING!!! ●2% MoreOf My Life Story TRIGGER WARNING!!! So here is my story. I've been thru hell all my life and I have attachment issues cuz of my past torture hell and trauma . I usually have an estimate of 5,6,7 breakdowns a day. I'm used to everything that it's sickening. I've always acted out dangerously and unsafely. Later on after my ex girlfriend Kimberly died I realized that she was the one that framed me for giving my illegally adopted son Anthony drugs and after the car accident , I saw Kim laughing and pointing at Me and later on before she hung herself... she said Anthony was never mine he was hers , and I would never be a mother, and that's why my mom always was a bitch to me. My mom NEVER would kick me out, or so I thought, after I came home from Foster Care she acted strange , not as bad as before. And she kicked me out then took me back in then kicked me out and so on and so forth. I was in LA getting fucked up and on one occasion 2 guys got me really drunk and I woke up In the bathroom and my pants were down and I was on my cycle and everyone saw, I went to the ER, and they said I got raped (again) in the period of my 12th time being homeless. I got raped over 20 times . I almost got killed multiple times, on one occasion I was walking and a van pulled up to the curb and they pointed a gun towards me and told me to get in, I did and they raped me in the back seat and they force fed me, gave me some meth and pointed the gun towards my head the whole way towards there house... they were master bating and would shove there dirty hands down my throat they forced me to have oral. When we got to there house they had a knife up to my throat and I screamed and then the rest was a blackout and I ended up on some strangers lawn . I go to Journey Tay in Spruce street in Corona, I constantly go to CSU and I have a physciatrist and a therapist, but I'm closed off and very touchy with everyone cus my social anxiety trust issues and past trauma. I know I'm broken damaged and helpless but I have a strong faith in God!!!! Anyways on 12/25/2018.. there was this boy approached me during Christmas Eve, and he acted completely fine and normal and caring and sweet and kind hearted and usually I can tell when somethings off. He led me into his trap, I gave him a kiss, and we laughed and. Hung out and we were texting over FaceBook messenger, he constantly asked where I lived and I started to connect with him. On Christmas Day after we opened Christmas gifts we went to Starbucks and he texted me and told me he was at Starbucks, I noticed him getting weird, he didn't look good at all.. he kept telling me about getting liquor , I mentioned it first , but I changed my mind and he wouldn't stop . We went to a Walmart where there was nobody there cus Of Christmas. We hung out . We were heading out and he spotted a soda machine, he asked me for a dollar and he put it in the soda machine and I asked where's mine, he said he had a dollar and I was putting mine back in my purse, I was recording with my iPod touch , and in a split of a second he grabbed my I touch and my wallet with over 400 dollars in it. pushed me and ran, it scared me cus it was out of nowhere. And I gave him my all. And I was hurt. And I still can't believe it's true , that all of that was an act, I thought it was for my movie cus we were making a movie , I got up and nobody cared, some people laughed, and I called the cops, not even the security or the costumers care, nobody cares. The cops showed up and she asked me questions, and I'm going to court and there doing an investigation . After that my PTSD got 20 times worse and I started acting out having more episodes and I felt alone. I had another physcotic break . I've been to court many times for many reasons : I spend most my holidays away, I spent mine at CSU, and I got worse, I started smoking hookah and I started cutting and popping my meds again, trying to overdose once again . And my behaviors and mental state of mind and insanity and physcotic episodes got worse. They still are. And I know I have support. I'm here for you all , stay strong. May God Be With You!!!!! ●Angelique/Ezxekyal "Izzy" Magdalinoz-Martinez ||Sara Nicole Pierce ||Br0k3n R0z3z ||Tyler Fiaskko-Alvaro||

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trippz2ill2ace8itout · 5 years ago

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🔥🥀🥀🔥23% Of My Life Story; Your Not Alone🔥🥀🥀🔥

🥀🥀Mental Physcotic Breakdown/Episode . This is one of my least explicit ones. Meet Tyler Fiaskko-Alvaro x🥀🥀 😔😞W3lc0m3 T0 Th3 W0rld 0f I33y Magdalinoz-Martinez/Br0k3n R0z3z/Sara Pi3rce/Tyl3r Mandelanoz. This is my life. 0r 21% 0f It. TRIGGER WARNING!!! ●21%0F.MY.LIFE ||UDATED VERSION: ...|| 🥀Itz Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez,BiRomantic-Asexual. I am am recovering drug addict and alcoholic, on Step One &1 Year Clean (used every drug except shrooms, Molly and Bathsalts) .I use to forget about my pain, I went to rehabs,(CHYC as mental health and drugNAlcohol Treatment for a year, went to NA and AA?meetings once a week) I’m 21 years old, my dad died In 2011 (of a reported heart attack, but I thought I killed him, I tried to kill him in his sleep multiple times), but he abused me since I was 4 (I fought back at age 9, when the torture got worse, when he hit my mom I started going on a rampage) (beenThruTraumaSince4till2monthsAgo) but I couldn’t tell my mom he was abusing me and torturing me (on multiple occasions on our "father-daughter trips" or when we were alone) or he would sell me or kill me, so I had mixed feelings he injection me with Meth and Heroin (inside a parked car at Carl's Jr, he also made me go to the bathroom && strip for him, he would shoot me up and laugh),, i was out on the streets at first in 2012 (I want insane and lost it in May of 2011), now I’m homeless 13 times (witnessed a lot of crimes, did crimes, a lot happened to me also I did a lot as well) ,getting arrested, in fights, almost been killed, I rose a 9 year old kid (now 14 years old) named Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was I an abusive foster home, so me and my motel roommate and ex girlfriend of One Year. Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took him in, I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away,after acar accident&igot framed for giving him drugs,&Inever seen him since,Kimberly and i adopted him from an abusive foster home, after me and Kimberly broke up cuz she was cheating on me with my friend Jeremy and b4 Anthony got taken we went 2 court and Kim got all parental rights and i had to pay child support and got superviszed visits, Jeremy Baraz later told me that Kimberly and him were engaged, I got heated and flipped out and he raped me and we got into an altercation, he helped me on the streets&&was my partner in crime , he bailed me out at the police station (after I got put on temporary probation for continually committing crimes and trashing a strangers car cuz there was drugs in there and they were going to go after my son with that car and drug him up, later they cut the probation if I went to long term rehab) , Ishmael Baraz (Jeremys brother, also guided me and later on got into a shooting scene, so i had to bail him out, only fair u know, we went crazy and i almost got killed and so did he, i pointed the gun towards the officer and stated "if you don't let my friend go, I will shoot u and all of ur officers", and they tazed me (and on multiple other occasions went crazy on police, grabbed the gun , gotten tazed, got the cops called on me for no reason but sometimes 4A reason, im known for police, fire department, AMR, sherriffs etc.) he was a convicted felon, && We were all in a cop chase, we made it to OC with Jeremy, and later on Jeremy &Ismhael myBuddyzGotSh0t isaw the entire thing , and I almost got killed as well, &iwasProstituting/got sold, got drugged up and abused 4 money4us (To raise Anthony, and have a hotel for me Kim and him to live), after that incident of Anthony getting taken Kimberly tried to kill me in my sleep with Ambien.a meth needle and vodka.i woke up in an ER, and she killed herself (right in front of me and I tried 2 st0p her, but I was 2latee ,been raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up.people on the streets,&by sum1 Idon’t wanna talk about (now I'm coming clean, it was Kimberly) I was in Foster Care a couple times, the 2nd time i was in abusive/Drugaddicts, Angela and Jimmy Miller (they tortured, force fed, raped, abused, but me, drugged me up, had multiple people (over 40 a day) come in an rape me one by one, Angela/Andrea and Jimmy had a meth lab in there house and I slept in the middle of the attic, they locked me up in there) , first a foster called GHS with staff instead of parents, and with Lisa (who was like a grandma to me but she passed away later on so I moved , later finding out that she attempted suicide) I’ve been in 215 mental hospitals (ETS, Loma Linda, Arrowhead, Cedars Cienai, San Bernardino Community, Delamo, The Willows "CRC", Auoura Charter Oaks, Auoura Las Encinas, UCI, Canyon Ridge, Kaiser, Kaiser Sunset, College Hospital, lock down treatment centers,1in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, multiple treatment centers, crisis centers (Crisis Stabelization Unit a 24 hour crisis center [CSU] over 80 times), 2 week mental health and drug/alcohol programs (STAY Program (2x), Jumpstreet, Excelsior House, Rancho West, and Telecare Lagos...2x each) group homes (Rancho Domocitas), Boarding Cares (Golden Girls, a SSI paid house of all girls) rehabs (Cedar House 2x, CHYC, and multiple others), shelters (House of Miracles, Lutheran Mission, Set Free Ranch, Path Of Life, and many otherz), the streets (13 times homeless/on the streets, LA, OC, Menifee, Riverside, Murrietta, Mission Viejo, Corona, irvine and San Bernardino), been in car accidents (over 10 times),I’ve been arrested and detained by a lot of cops in Corona (know mostly all of them, a lot of other people know me in Riverside), I have anger issues (extremely bad), been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade, I’ve attempted suicide over 50 timesXI’ve self harmed on multiple occasions (in all kinds of different methods) Ihave bipolar (manic depressive disorder type 1 mixed episode), pre diabetes (got rid of).depression (major depressive disorder).paranioa.anxiety.Buliemia.insomnia.Dissociative Identity Fued.skitzoaffective (extreme skitzophrenia && bipolar mixed) ptsd,ocd,attachment disorder.Autism.borderlinepersonality.amnesia.multiple personality disorder, anorexia, && im deaf in my right ear, near sighted, motion sickness, social anxiety, gastridous, && lastly, chronic body pain .....i helped the homeless and people In hospitals (I help everyone way toooo much) been0nallmentalHealthmedication (I mean ALL, including narcotics and Benzos, and any pill u can use to get high) ppl TriedToSend Me2 MetropolitanStateHospital(highestLevelOfCare), IMD (Institution For The Mentally Diseased) on multiple occasions, ive been to many therapists, physciatrists, ER's, and been on 51/50, 52/50 holds , concervertaship, and lastly ive got taken away from my mom on 4 occasions (personal reasons) I’ve never had a stable home since 2011,now on Augest of 2018 I’m finally home,ihelp others cus im used to people not caring about me, I have trust issues,im always there2help to care to make sure thereok and I don’t stop.StayStronq,,.It's Izzy Here Again. I Have 22 different voices/demons/visions in my head. Johnny Garcia, Lily, Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos , Charlotte McMann, Wesley Garcia, Constance McMann, Dancing Fire (demon like archangel misunderstood in the form of fire, might be another world trying 2 contact me), Chandy/Gladdis/Leon/Charlene/Raul/Ralphie/George/Michaela aka Michael(all characters from my movie etc.), Erin Ramos. DANCING Squares, Duplicates of People, Bad Mommy/Good Mommy, Bad Daddy/Good Daddy, Visions&Hallucinations of Past/Future, Cones, Red Dots, Flyerway, Veronica/Victoria Enxxellia, Objects Having Force On Me, Flying Objects, Demons Posessing Me. SatanslashGod (can't tell the difference), Richard Enxxellia, Three 7's, Seventy Three 6's, Puppoi (A Duplicate Of My Puppy Raskcal), Mr.OutOfDate, NXSP (0ne Of The Alter Worlds I Live In As Liz Ramos, as I raise hell with Johnny "JJ" Garcia (I try to kill him on multiple occasions but I pulled the Red Wire && he got worse), The Ends (The End Of NXSP it's worse than hell itself times infinity 100 percent), Jonathan Maqranga, TwentyStepsForward, Edgar "Eddie" Alejandria, Dancing Rooms, UglyBitterSky, TheFuckAllTheWayUpInTheSky, Chillwax Alejandria, People From My Past, A Vivid Movie Like Form Of My Whole Past From Beginning To End Flashing By In My Head (Random Times, Coordinated by Dancing Fire Themself), ClosedOptions, Paid2Kill Hernandez, etc.. I Got Chocked, Raped, Tortured, Tied Up, Shot At, Tied To A Tree, Slept In Bathrooms && In Cars (Having Blake Follow Me Into Everywhere I Go && Went into the bathroom , shoving knives, pins, needles, food, guns, sticks, and other shit inside me and he would rape me and if i talked he would kill me. I met Blake at a gas station 3 times to give me my drugs and alcohol paid by for sex with him), I Had 3 Drug Dealers, Juan Torres, Blake Vandiego, Luis Alexander (last name unknown, all of these people didn't give me there real last names, they Identified as what they told me to call them) Blake did the worst torture (playing cakes with me, roleplaying, video taping the torture, I woke up in my bed and he woke me up with 12 meth needles, and we played Pin The Donkey. he would cut me, slice me, bang my body parts on brick walls, put 2 guns in my mouth, 1 gun in each ear, and beat me, burned me, shoved a lighter turned on in my pussy and my butt, he would light me up, and so much much much more torture, all for drugs and money when I became poor), Luis did the 2nd worse torture (he would put a gun to my head at every meal time , beat me, had rough uncosensual sex, played games with me chasing me naked in the hotel room but while playing my sex tapes on the TV, and he would make me sleep outside, all 4 drugs/money when I needed it), and Juan did no torture except (rape me and made me do crimes like the other two did, but he was the sweetest) me and Juan dated for about 4 months, then he perposed, I SAID yes, 4 weeks later he asked me to marry him, and I said no, he said it was fine but 4 weeks later he killed himself with 5 whole bottles of Gabapentin. I Got tortured by more than all 3 of these people. I was a BAD bad bad kid at 12, I was criminally and critically insane, and I did insane things, my behaviors were extremely dangerous/violent/brutal/physcotic/homoscidally insane. 0n 0ne occasion I tried to kill my mom and brother (to take them to Heaven with me), my dad, People on the streets and many many others. I've almost been to Juvenial Hall/Jail on multiple occasions. In the dark Kimberly tried to kill me after she got high on Spice. she reenacted a scene from Criminal Minds that she saw. I was being chased with a knife around my motel room with Anthony watching (he's my son, not by blood but by heart cuz blood doesn't make family), Lisa 0ne Of My Foster Parents would treat me well but on one occasion and one occasion only, she put a gun to my head and told me to shoot her first and than me . so we could escape from this world. I refused and she started drinking heavily , I was her only friend, she had a BAD past as well. her behaviors changed drastically and I would have 2 watch her hurt herself, drink, walk around naked singing Kill Me Kill Me Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead, and What Is Love, I watched her self harm and I tried 2 stop her, but whenever I tried to she would scream and give the gun to me again, she is currently (she's dead but awhile later) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease, Autism, Skitzophrenia, and PTSD. She killed herself later on. When I was a patient in multiple of the placements/hospitals/lockdown treatment centers/rehabs/crisis centers/stabilization units etc etc. I would misbehave really badly, I would have protected sex, get in fights, extreme physcotic episodes, do drugs when it was not permitted, I'm used to doing worse crimes on the streets anyways.I got bullied 4 the 1st time inside of CHYC, last but yes least, DAMGEROUSLY CRAZY ME wants to tell u one more thing, when I was homeless, A boy named Timothy Sagaste (not real last name) lead me on and we got engaged after 6 months of dating cuz we were so close, I trusted him, we had a connection, but after leading me on for so long I thought things were TOO perfect, and I was right, after I got engaged to him, we had a romantic dinner &; he told me that he was seeing someone else, that he pretendedthat he liked me, pretended our whole relationship everything about it, he told me he was breaking up with me and I Got heated and beat him up and tried to kill him but he finally grabbed the shotgun and knife out of my hands, Tied me to the bed and told me to "Go Kill Yourself Sara, You DON'T DESERVE LOVE, U DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE, YOUR A MISTAKE , THAT'S WHY NO-ONE EVER LOVED YOU, YOUR AN UGLY SLUT TRASHY WHORE AND U NEED TO GO 2 HELL, UR A SHITTY MOM PAYING CHILD SUPPORT. I'M GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE AT UR FUNERAL AND GUESS WHAT HOE,, IM GONNA LAUGH" He went on and on , he us3d my life story and my past against me, after he was done , he took out his phone and video taped me afterward. and he shouted "How Do U Like Me Now" I Got up and grabbed my Medication bottles (Lithium, Adavan, Gabalentin, Abilify, Welbuitren, Zoloft, Vicodin, Seroquel, Norcos, Xanex, Rhresperdol, Atarax, Ambien, My Meth Needle, My Knifes, Guns, Cigarrette Lighters, and My Xprexa and ran into the bathroom, I took a whole bottle of each medication, I made slits in my arm, wrist, neck, I burned myself in the pussy and in my legs (just like how Blake did it) but I hurt myself 20 times worse than anybody ever had, I went physco and I shot myself up in both my arms with meth and heroin, I did the worst torture to myself worse than anybody ever had. I reenacted Blake, Luis ,and Juans torture , plus everyone who has ever tortured me, I did it worse. I put the gun to my head, I added more bullets and i pulled the trigger, I woke up in an ER, and they said I passed out before the bullet hit my head, so now I realize that I was lucky. God Bless everyone and everything, this is the FULL 20% of my 100% of my life story. Fuck Love, Trust N0B0DY && Stay Strong, btw it feels like somethings crawling all over me/or I'm crawling out of my skin , it happens a lot, take care I'm here. ~IzzyMagdalinozMartinez]🥀 -Who I Am Is Darkness- 8/5/14 MY.STORY. xc hey, I know my dad may have died, after that, I went crazy, physco mental in the head I lost myself I built an emotional wall around myself, I lost my mind and went insane, did dangerous shit that I regr...et, I grew a dark side, I started having hallucinations, different personalities I got possessed, I have REALLY bad anger issues, 34 suicide attempts 50 mental hospital visits a level 14 residential treatment center in Utah and went to a group home called Rancho Domacitas. people were scared of me, I felt numb weak and empty rages and rages of explosive anger and violence, I abused myself to death, I grew worse and worse I ran away anxiety skitzophrenia depression anger violence drugs self harm suicide homoscide there's more things that no one knows about but I was a crazy bitch, I wanted to die, my hallucinations grew worse and worse I smoked my problems away "Johnny" my main hallucination abused me physically and mentally, tbh I don't know who I was I saw my deceased dad, I got the cops called on me, Johnny took full control and I went physco, I had mental episodes bad mental breakdowns ran away everyday got in reastraints started fighting, I wanted to die, I wrote a suicide letter, plenty of times I attempted but I busted my moms door down and started taking pills, I abused myself by cutting punching slamming any self harm possible my anger became to violent I mean I was a mental fucking mess, finally I lost myself so hard so bad I couldn't feel or breathe or think, I just went black, I had blackouts and then I realized I did some really dangerous stupid shit. my life was hard and I still wanted to die and take my family with me I had no touch with reality and my medication wasn't helping, I was done I thought my mom was verbally attacking me but she wasn't, I was pretty messed up, I had a dark side I had so much pain and hurt inside me I was broken and shattered I hated myself because I was a fucking mentally Ill fuck up, I had nightmares about abuse. I wanted my daddy back, I didn't believe he was dead, everyday I grew crazier to the point where I couldn't control it. and I was lost and very very sick you don't even know most of the shit I've done, I was so crazy so I got sent away for a year I got help even when I acted out, I went to a step down group home and all the hospitals. I finally could feel again, and now I'm getting better and back on track. and I find myself again thanks to all you amazing beautiful people I love to call family I don't and can't even put into words how much I love you, all of you, your my family and my mom she's amazing, you all can do this I'm here for you guys I care, you guys I just fucking love you, and thanks, stay strong. that's part of my life story sense I know you all I posted it on here. love you guys I am out of reality in a dark state not mentally there, I'm scared and in pain emotionally desturbed, it's killing me eating me alive and I can't take it the monster inside me fighting to get out. so what I might be autistic so what I have issues so what I'm retarded I still stayed strong through all my issues for 4 years if I get off my meds I get physco and crazy and "not there" I'm asbergers but I'm smart and I'm learning to stay strong and control myself, it's killing me it's tearing me apart the monster inside me, feel trapped in my body I need to get out, no people with suits my mom is not gonna die, I love my mom so much I'd die for you, for her birthday I'm writing and singing her a song I love you best mother in the world I'd die for you. sometimes it just stops, and then starts up again, his body cold on the couch, I need you I need you, but he's gone. I love my mom so much, she might need to go to the emergency room and I'll be with her right by her side the whole time, cuz I love her so much I'd do anything for her. anyways I love her I'd die for her, the most amazing person I know I'll be there for her all my life she was there for me through all my struggles, that's right no one fucks with my family. no one understands what would it be like if I was gone, I'm getting worse I need help fuck I feel numb and sick in the head, my brain is malfunctioning I don't know what's real anymore I'm done no one gets me like my mom, I'm scared full of pain I feel blank I'm going crazier I have nothing in me but a trapped girl wanting to get out of her cage, I hate this life I'm never happy, I fake I'm ok so my mom can be happy inside me is a monster inside me is someone else and depression and a no one I don't no what to say anymore what to do I cry myself to sleep all night I really do wanna die, but no inside me is full of mixed emotions a girl scared and full of rage and pain, I'm going numb insane it's killing me I am scared, I could cry for forever I love you mom, I'm so anxious I don't know what's going on, filling the empty hole inside me my moms gonna change, I fake it all it all if you new what goes on in my head u would be crying its scary it's bad I could beat myself till I bleed I hate this I'm not safe everyone is getting sick of me, I'm fucking mental and crazy, I'm the craziest girl you'll meet I was bad gone and really really sick in the head I did all the crazy things you can think, Ive done unsafe and crazy mental things I was a physcopathic, by now it's getting better slowly, my moms my life my reason to live I've had problems and struggles I want to be happy but I'm fighting the fight to get better, I'm here for all of you I might have a dark side I've been abused and I abuse myself but I'm staying strong I'm here for all of you, I love you as family and I love my mom to death and I love my mom I feel so numbed like no one knows how I feel and my problems got so bad my dark old self grew stronger than weaker, I wasn't in reality, and who I am? darkness... I've had out of body experiences out of it mentally, emotionally I was controlled by my dark side I went all out I might be crazy but I'm fighting, I'm gonna be happy i love you mom forever I've changed for the worst my mom is gonna change for the worse I just know it. darkness is taking control of me I can't control it. but I love you I love you I'm sorry I SORRY don't take me away, I've tried suicide nope not successful, I'm done but I want to make everybody proud, cuz I love you all with all my heart even tho I feel invisible like a nobody a fighter very violent I'm strong and you guys can stay strong to I'll help you every step of the way, don't you even try calling me weak I'm strong IM STRONG!!!! I don't get feelings, I'm feeling feelings I'm worried and paranoid , no one messes with my mom or I'll beat there bitch ass no one cares or understands me cuz I'm like a puzzle very complicated and crazy but I'm blessed with my family and I can stay strong through my troubles I'm sorry to everybody for being a failure a freak a mentally ill sick child I haven't pleased anyone what if I disappeared left fade away I hate this my crazy ass can end up in another institution, but I'm staying with my mom and I'm mentally 7 in the head my brain is messed up there's something wrong but what the fuck ever I LOVE MY MOM WITH MY LIFE ! I can stay strong. no more crazy me he he xP "Let's go crazy don't be fine go be sane and lose ur mind don't be fraid to lose your mind, nothing's the same, tears I shed but no words can describe the pain I feel, numb.. I LOVE YOU xx I'm losing my mind no sense scared trying to crawl out of my own skin, trapped, full of rage feeling numb, his body was moving he's not dead he's alive. why am I the only one going crazy why aren't I happy ? what if I was just an illusion I don't wanna go insane again or back to the hospital... this is how it is, welcome to the ends welcome to my life, I love you my family listen I've had a hard shitty life, lots of issues lots of treatment, I don't know what's real or what's fake I don't have touch with reality I wanna get help I wanna get better, I have faith in God he can help me turn around my life and my behaviors, I can do this, fuck you haters, I love myself again. NO MORE CRAZYNESS, I may be sick in the head I may be depressed and have problems, I care for you all and I'm learning to love my life. if I could get better in my head and my mental state even though I'm not in a good place or mentally in darkness you don't know what goes on in my head. I'm scared I don't know what's going on what's happening welcome to the ends, I'm sorry for becoming darkness, if you knew how crazy I was, you would know how far I've come through all my treatment my brain is messed up I might have a brain tumor a clot in my brain I'm not myself I'm dark I'm crazy I'm mental I have problems but I can make it through, I love you all who have always stuck by my side, I haven't been the hospital for a month I haven't done all that dangerous crazy shit in three months, I'm always sticking by your side I love you as family , I still have unresolved issues but I can do this I CAN BE STRONG ITZs NOT OVER YET! I may be out of it crazy on medication but guess what I CAN MAKE IT x.x Dont worry bout me i might not be stable but im staying strong... ●2% MoreOf My Life Story TRIGGER WARNING!!! So here is my story. I’ve been thru hell all my life and I have attachment issues cuz of my past torture hell and trauma . I usually have an estimate of 5,6,7 breakdowns a day. I’m used to everything that it’s sickening. I’ve always acted out dangerously and unsafely. Later on after my ex girlfriend Kimberly died I realized that she was the one that framed me for giving my illegally adopted son Anthony drugs and after the car accident , I saw Kim laughing and pointing at Me and later on before she hung herself... she said Anthony was never mine he was hers , and I would never be a mother, and that’s why my mom always was a bitch to me. My mom NEVER would kick me out, or so I thought, after I came home from Foster Care she acted strange , not as bad as before. And she kicked me out then took me back in then kicked me out and so on and so forth. I was in LA getting fucked up and on one occasion 2 guys got me really drunk and I woke up In the bathroom and my pants were down and I was on my cycle and everyone saw, I went to the ER, and they said I got raped (again) in the period of my 12th time being homeless. I got raped over 20 times . I almost got killed multiple times, on one occasion I was walking and a van pulled up to the curb and they pointed a gun towards me and told me to get in, I did and they raped me in the back seat and they force fed me, gave me some meth and pointed the gun towards my head the whole way towards there house... they were master bating and would shove there dirty hands down my throat they forced me to have oral. When we got to there house they had a knife up to my throat and I screamed and then the rest was a blackout and I ended up on some strangers lawn . I go to Journey Tay in Spruce street in Corona, I constantly go to CSU and I have a physciatrist and a therapist, but I’m closed off and very touchy with everyone cus my social anxiety trust issues and past trauma. I know I’m broken damaged and helpless but I have a strong faith in God!!!! Anyways on 12/25/2018.. there was this boy approached me during Christmas Eve, and he acted completely fine and normal and caring and sweet and kind hearted and usually I can tell when somethings off. He led me into his trap, I gave him a kiss, and we laughed and. Hung out and we were texting over FaceBook messenger, he constantly asked where I lived and I started to connect with him. On Christmas Day after we opened Christmas gifts we went to Starbucks and he texted me and told me he was at Starbucks, I noticed him getting weird, he didn’t look good at all.. he kept telling me about getting liquor , I mentioned it first , but I changed my mind and he wouldn’t stop . We went to a Walmart where there was nobody there cus Of Christmas. We hung out . We were heading out and he spotted a soda machine, he asked me for a dollar and he put it in the soda machine and I asked where’s mine, he said he had a dollar and I was putting mine back in my purse, I was recording with my iPod touch , and in a split of a second he grabbed my I touch and my wallet with over 400 dollars in it. pushed me and ran, it scared me cus it was out of nowhere. And I gave him my all. And I was hurt. And I still can’t believe it’s true , that all of that was an act, I thought it was for my movie cus we were making a movie , I got up and nobody cared, some people laughed, and I called the cops, not even the security or the costumers care, nobody cares. The cops showed up and she asked me questions, and I’m going to court and there doing an investigation . After that my PTSD got 20 times worse and I started acting out having more episodes and I felt alone. I had another physcotic break . I’ve been to court many times for many reasons : I spend most my holidays away, I spent mine at CSU, and I got worse, I started smoking hookah and I started cutting and popping my meds again, trying to overdose once again . And my behaviors and mental state of mind and insanity and physcotic episodes got worse. They still are. And I know I have support. I’m here for you all , stay strong. May God Be With You!!!!! ●Angelique/Ezxekyal "Izzy" Magdalinoz-Martinez ||Sara Nicole Pierce ||Br0k3n R0z3z ||Tyler Fiaskko-Alvaro ●MY INFO: PHONE NUMBER: 951-415-0541 ||WATTPAD (WHERE I'M WORKING ON WRITING MY LIFE STORY) Ms_SweetInsanityyx ||MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL: TwistedMetal411 ||MY INSTAGRAM: Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez😔😔 **__**🖤5% More Of My Life Story🖤 I sold myself, prostituted myself for about a year, and tortured myself while people tortured me 24/7 everyday. Msybe got raped 50 times a day. Tortured 200 times a day and i was there bitch. They didnt even pay me. Watch out and be careful hun I walked into Angela/Andrea and Jimmy Millers house, the 2nd out of the 3 foster homes i waz in, there was a 9 year old kid getting abused, like how they tied me to a tree and tortured me. They tourtured me so much on a 24/7 daily bases, worse than my bio dad. The 9 year olds name was Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was autistic and had PTSD and ADHD, self harm, anger and suicidal issues. I got tortured for him, whenever Angela tried to torture him, i got in the way, any kind of abuse and torture and traumatic thing that coulda happened to me. It did. Finally i got a day pass out of the house. I got arrested and started doing criminal things, insane and dangerous things, i was walking on the side of the freeway, i came back, and i saw Angela and Jimmy fighting, Jimmy was tired of Angela torturing me and the other kids, Anthony was outside tied to the tree. I untied him and i stole him, i ran to LA, taking buses and trains, i found a motel, i tried to convince them to let us in, cuz i was technically homeless -again- they let us stay for 3 nights, I called up Kimberly, and she met us over there, Kimberly started torturing me worse and before. She set me up in the sex trade, i had 40 to 70 people a day, guys and girls, torture, abuse, rape, beat, drug me up. For money for us to live and take care of Anthony, she was the RingLeader, per say. I took care of Anthony as my own, Kimberly did absolutely nothing, nothing at all. She paid everyone to torture me, i was a drug addict and alcoholic. Hardcore, and the more i was high and loaded, the less i felt, at this point in time, I didnt know that Kimberly was the head of all this, one of the guys who continuously tortured me, was trying to go after Anthony, and i stepped in front of him and took the torture, Anthony kept asking me if i was his real mom, i couldnt answer that question. I cried everynight. Jeremy Carlos Baraz came in and started yelling at Kimberly, i was curious, but as soon as i walked in, Jeremy had a gun up to her head, Kimberly told Jeremy to "Go Shoot Izzy, i have nothing u want, she has meth and cocaine", Jeremy told me to go to my room, when he left will all my drugs, Kimberly stormed into my room, i was sleeping on my floor like usual, so Anthony had a place to sleep. Kim told me that it was my fault, and "i coulda got killed, and its all your fault" she called some of her "friends" to come "handle some business" about 10 people came in, and they came in my room, and they started literally torturing me. They tied me to the bed, about 20 + more people came in, and they drugged me up, they beat me, tortured me jn every way possible, (later i found out that they filmed it, and it was Kimberlys idea) they raped me, but i was so used to it that i couldn't feel anything. I tried to scream, so they ducktaped my mouth, they said "you speak, you die" the more i resisted, the more i got tortured. They put a gun to my head, 4 people had a gun each, and two guns were pointed towards each side of my head. It came a daily thing, for weeks, my mom didnt know about anything, she still thought i was at the foster home i ran away from. Each day more and more people came. On the weekends i had more time with Anthony, but i took care of him as my own. Kimberly did shit. I almost died multiple times. But it was my job to protect and provide for Anthony. Kimberly was still my girlfriend, we were engaged. And if i left, all hell would break loose. So i stayed, stupid me. _________ **The kids in Angela/Andrea && Jimmys Home; __Englasias "Enji" Moreno-Miller: Enji is a hard core drug addict and alcoholic. He got diagnosed with Bipolar, Anxiety and PTSD, hes Angela/Andrea and Jimmy Millers foster-son, Hes 20 years old, he sneaks drugs in the house. Andrea/Angela Miller still abuses him, doesnt matter if hes her son or not. Mainly cuz hes bisexual. They had a custody battle to who gets to mske Enji's life decisions. Jimmy hates when Andrea/Angela abuses Enji. *The Meaning Behind "Enji": Enji was a name i made up for him, because he hates the name Englasias cuz its what Andrea/Angela calls him when she abuses him. So i made up a nick name for him __Giovanni "Gio" Santiago: Giovanni is a 22 year old male. He got put into foster care, when he was 9, Angela/Andrea torturex him obsessivly. In all ways, but Jimmy payz her to do it. Gio has Schizophrenia, Anxiety. pTsd, depression, anorexia, borderline personality, and paranoid physcosis. Angela/Andrea tortures him for no reason, Gio is the oldest of all the people in the house, i usually step in and take the torture for Gio, me and Gio dated for 2 months, then broke up cuz of Andrea/Angelas stupid rules. I protect Gio, were really close, Jimmy abuses him sexually physically by mentally. *The Meaning Behind "Gio": Gio is the name i gave him, also know as Gizmo, when he and i were playing "foster home" even tho we were already in one lol. Gio Gio Giovanni, we were goofballs, rebels, and sassy queens. We had a lot of fun and were always there to eachother nonstop, and helped eachother, we became to close. Wayyy to close. Love u Gio Gio Giovanni. __Nancy/Susan "Andrew" Augustine: Nancy is a 15 year old trasngender female to male. So his pronouns are "he/him/his", he went into foster care a year after he was born, he got put into an orphanage. At the age of 2, Nancy was his birth name. And he hasnt gotten it legally changed so Angela/Andrea calls him a "her" and he hates it. Angela/Andrea rapes him, drugs him, force feeds him, and physically abuses him. I call him Andrew, and he told me its his "preferred name" he likes to sing and write. Me and him have sing offs, and we write songs stories and poems together. *The Meaning Behind "Andrew": Susan Augustine was born a female but then transitioned to male, Susan hated her name, but whenever Angela/Andrea kept abusing and torturing her, and kept using "her/she/hers" it triggered Andrew. So i asked "which name do u preferr, Andrew or Susan" i made him feel welcome and was always there for him, and i wanted to help him to the end, noatter the circumstances, i overhelped him. And i helped him get started with SSI, Mental Health Stuff, and getting a name change. And taking the torture from him and i took it for and instead of him. Andrea/Angela, hated me for it. But i did it anyways. Love u Andrew, he attempted suicide, overdosed on his meds, i found him and called 911, and he was rushd to the ER, he never came home after that. I miss u. :( __Monica "Monee" Palmer: Monica is a 18 year old female, she was a rebel, she was my best friend, and i helped and was there 4 her obsessivly. Jimmy raped her several times. Andrea beat and tortured her to death, and i hit Andrea over the head with a frying pan and i beat her and attempted to slice her throat, i took the torture for Monica, Ive never seen Jimmy that fuxked up before, he was on PCP, and so was i. Me and Andrea got into an altercation, it involved alcohol, PCP, a gun, glass, and a knife. Me and Andrea/Angela went at it. Jimmy recorded it, and i told everyone to get out of the house. Me and Andrea/Angela went one on one for hours. I pointed the gun towards her, and Monica saw, she was crying. I threw Andrea/Angela out a glass window, after she tortured me extra bad and she taped my mouth shut, she raped abused, tortured, drugged. Burned and almost killed me. Jimmy ran out of the house after i threw Andrea/Angela out the glass window. They never had a license to run a foster home. Monica hugged me and Jimmy was crying, bur not for his wife. For me and everything he did to me, and To Monica. *The Meaning Behind "Monee": Monee, is short for Monique, which is a name that her grandma gave her, Monica always kept that name, even after her grandma passed away, Monica grew up without parents, and was sent to live with her grandma. After she passed Monica moved in to Jimmy and Angela/Andrea Millers house, and shes been trying to escape, she attempted a lot, but was always brought back to there house. __Anthony "Lil'Toni" Castillo-Martinez (My Unbio Son, Who Got Taken From Me, I Risked My Life To Raise Him, I Raised Him As My Own) i met Anthony Castillo when he was 9, none of us knew who his real parents are, but i took him in as my own, i risked my life to take care and provide for him, i did all i could possibly do to help and care and be there to him, he was autistic and had PTSD and ADHD, self harm, anger and suicidal issues. I got tortured for him, whenever Angela tried to torture him, i got in the way, any kind of abuse and torture and traumatic thing that coulda happened to me. It did, whether i wanted it to or not, Anthony tried to kill himself after he couldn't find out who his real parents were, I found out Anthony used to live with his aunt and uncle, Sarah and George Castillo, they both gave him up to his previous foster mom, Cherri Martinez, cuz he was "to hard to handle", (i figured out that his favorite color was pink, and he loved teddy bears, i still have the pink teddy bear i bought when i was homeless for the 13th time, in memory of my time with Anthony) Cherri had mental health issues, and whenever she had blown out physical violent fights with her ex-husband, who lost custody over Anthony, Jose Martinez, Anthony would hide and try to leave, but Cherri was to attached to him, she wouldn't let him leave at all, i later found out that Sarah and George Castillo abused him so bad. And then gave him away, to Cherri Martinez, but to this day i never knew who his real parents are, i got tortured abused raped in all ways, and drugged and prostituted and almost killed so i had money to care, provide. Support, be there and help Anthony, we lived in a run down motel, i illegally stole Anthony from his 2nd foster home. Angela/Andrea and Jimmy Miller's house, after i left, i came back to save him, he saw me getting tortured, i took care of him obsessivly, i raised him, and he called me "mommy" and i lost him after a car accident, with me, Kimberly, and Anthony, after it was over, they found drugs in a back seat, and it was me, him and Kimberly in a back seat. But i never gave him drugs, Kimberly and i had a custody battle. And she won, after she accused me of giving him drugs, and CPS took him away, i was broken up, Ricky, the drunk driver, got charged after they found out he was the driver in the car accident, Jeremy Carlos Baraz, who already had a home, after i intervened into his shooting scene, where i violated my probation, (one of my abusive torturers) knew about the whole Kimberly calling CPS, was a part of getting Anthony taken away, and abusing me situation, i confronted him about it, and i got violent towards him, after Kimberly killed herself in front of me, Jeremy admitted he was a part of taking away Anthony for the money cuz he "had to survive", he called the cops on me, I was on cacaine, meth, alcohol, Ativan, And other drugs, i almost died "according to the doctors at the hospital", and Jeremy called the cops and later told me what happened, and instead of me violating my probation i got sent to the mental hospital, (which im known for acting out, getting in restraints, and getting the "bootyjuice" shot); Anthony is now 14 years old, i cant tell u his birthday cuz it waz something he told me to never give out, i hope hes in a good home, 🦋🥀🔥🖤__Posts On Facebook I Made About Anthony__ 🖤🔥🥀🦋 [[🌺🌷⚘🌱🍒🌻🌹Its like I carry a peice of Anthony with me everywhere I go. He is my son x not by blood but by heart x he got taken away from me for Kim's false accusation towards me "Sara gave him drugs" to CPS && he got taken. X I hustled for me , him, my ex girlfriend who killed herself Kimberly Marie Olivarez x Anthony Castillo-Martinez aka AngelEyezx. He loved teddy bears and the color pink. I love him && I miss him and I wanna get him back. I rose him on the streets/in a motel. You will always be in my heart. I hope he's ok. I'm starting to cry as I write this && I'm sorry I couldn't be the best mom but I gave it my all. 0n his 13th birthday I was in the middle of being homeless for the 13th time. I love u son . Forever and always. I wish I could turn back time. But u will always be my son. I hope you remember me. You are a teen now &; I miss u all the time. Love you Lil Tony .🍒🌺⚘🌱💚❤💋Izzy didn't lose, izzy didn't win. I was out in Riverside, I just got a gun pulled at my head, I was strung out , officer Ramirez hand cuffs me, I took Anthony to my hotel, raised him like a son, I didn't know how but I did, I've seen it all, I had to hustle, do illegal things to stay alive, everybody gives up on me but it's ok; Cuz I hurt them by hurting myself, I got raped by Andre , but I made sure little Anthony didn't see what was happening with me, I had no family so I only had me myself and I, I still love even to the loveless, anyone can do anything they put there mind too, I may be crazy but I have a heart, I was heartless and I am truly sorry for anyone I've hurt, or dissapointed, izzy lost it, but she's gaining it back...^.^ .-. “For A Ride” by me, IzzyXM xxxx. 🙃🙃❌🌈♥️♥️♥️“Don’t Trip, Flux It Out N Stay Trippie, I Know It Ain’t Eazy, Off The Streets And Staying Clean, No More Love No More Trust. Sleeping By McDonalds And Shit Was To Hard To Handle, But I Made It, I Took Lil’ Anthony Back When He Got Taken Away, Me Him And MooMoo Ranaway, The Cops Were Right Behind Us, Drunk Driver In The Front, I Took My Seat Belt Off For Just One Second And The Car Crashed, Anthony Was Gone Again, WOW Another Reason To Take Him Away, The Devil Lead Me Astray, I Pulled Out My Gun Cuz I Said Its Time To Have Fun, I Got Drugged Up And I Was On The Run, I Played The System, But Man I Miss Him, Got Six Packs On The Round, So Fucked Up I Was Passed Out On The Ground, Stay Trippie , Take That Dope Out Of Your Eyes, And Fuck Shit Up Till We Die, But Imma Make It Right, Lesh Go For A Lil’ Ride, I Promise, Shit Is Real This Time”~Written By me, IzzyXM 🍷🍷🍷 Old picture!!!!! I kept passing out and falling asleep constantly. My body’s out of whack, I got in a huge fight with my family. My physical health and mental health and health is horrible. I need a place to stay after I get discharged. I called 911. Sorry Anthony i fucked up ur day. I am fucking done man I can’t live any longer. I’ll be ok. I miss you Anthony, I Miss u Kimberly I need u today’s one of my worse days ever . No one understands me I’m trying, no one cares, if I die today no one will miss me or care. I’m trying ok . I’m not going back home. Fuck that. I can’t function at all. People think I’m attention seeking but I’m NOT. Fuck off man . If u don’t fuck with me that’s not my problem. Fuck kill me please 🥀🖕, ♥️♥️♥️I Miss You Anthony , I Need You Anthony! I Can’t Take This Pain, All This Crying, I Am In The Shadows. Goodnight 😔😔😔Song: Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone (Cover by Lighthouse Family) This,song hits me deep cuz it reminds me of my whole past. R.I.P Kimberly Olivarez . I miss u son Anthony Martinez I can't believe your 13! I wish CPS didn't take you away. I miss the streets in a strange way. R.I.P Dad even tho you tortured me my whole life. I'm finally off the streets and me and my mom are still estranged and I feel like I'm losing you. I'm home for the first time permanently since 2011 and I'm recovering for the first time since I had trauma since I was four. I Miss u Jeremy. My friend I met when I was homeless in a hotel room. I can't believe you protected me from harm. You helped me get through Kimberlys death and me losing Anthony. But one day you got sent to the ER and I never associated with you ever since. My life is a game and Imma play my ACE . Then I turned into the joker. Stop The Stigma in Mental health. Physical heath. Homeless people. Sexuality. Drug addicts and alcoholics. Autism . Race. Cutters . Suicidal people. Society in general. This is Izzy MAGDALINOZ Martinez aka Br0k3n R0z3z out here. I love this song lol 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥⚘⚘⚘⚘⚘💔💔No You Don’t Mean Anything At All To Me My unbiological son , Anthony Castillo-Martinez has his 14th birthday is coming up soon , and in August is the day my ex girlfriend Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took my son from me for good , sent him to the hands of CPS and she hung herself right in front of me. I miss my little angel , I still had a CPS case open while I was in foster care (3 different homes) I raised him like my own , I got beaten raped drugged prostituted almost killed arrested , etc to provide money for us to live off of cuz I was homeless again at that time. I love u Lil Tony 💕💕 u will always be in my heart ❤️🙏🙏🙏 I think of you day and night . The song in this video is dedicated to my ex , Kimberly Love U Angel Eyezx , hope ur in a safe place and is being treated well. I miss u 🌷🌷🌷🌷😔😔😔 @ Corona, California. God, thank you for blessing me with Kimberly Aiden “MooMoo” Olivarez, my ex girlfriend, my motel roommate. , me and her have been thru hell and back, when we were both homeless on the streets, we helped eachother out she made sure I was safe and protected me from harm, and I did the same , we’ve been thru a lot , I don’t know where ur at now, but I wish I could hear your voice I wish we could have our old memories back, raising little Anthony when we were on the streets, I remember when we were at The Tyler Mall we dressed up as Mario and Luigi and we ran a muck we were loud hyper rebellious, I remember I got to drunk and you took care of me I remember when u were in a dark point in ur life and I took care of u, we were both in dark points in our life, but we fought thru it, I love u MooMoo, I miss u, thank u God for letting me meet a beautiful blessing in my life. I miss u, I need u right now but we lost contact. I LOVE U MooMoo ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I love you my son, so what if he’s not blood, he’s family xxxx your birthdays coming up soon my lil angel, for last years birthday I was homeless, this time Imma focus and recover for you, so I can get u back xx love u!!!! I always think and wonder how where you are why you got taken away by CPS (thanks a lot Kimberly) I hope your getting taken care of, that ur being treated well cx I can’t believe you’ll be 14 this year , illl be 21 (if any y’all are confused , lemme explain, I didn’t give birth , me and my ex, Kimberly adopted him , I was still on the streets but I got tortured and did sum insane shit to raise money for all of us, Kim made false accusations against me so CPS took Anthony away, then Kimberly hung her self in front of me, idk where Anthony is, But I’m not giving up, it’s been years. Everything happens 4 a reason) I MISS U ANGELEYEZX 🌈😔😔♥️🌹🌹I miss you little Anthony 😔 I tried to take care of u like a mother should, but I was homeless so I couldn’t support you, when CPS took you away, it killed me, but I know your not my blood son, but you were like one. I know your in a better foster home, and I wish I was there to see u grow. I tried my best to raise you, and I worry about you day and night. I’m sorry little Man, idk how old you are now, just know i love u. And I pray for you and I worry, but God took care of you after u got taken away. I LOVE U 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹-Izzy X Magdalinoz♣️♣️♣️♣️🌹🌹🌹🌹I Take Care Of Everyone, Just Like I Took Care Of Lil Anthony, He Was My World, I Would Do Anything To Have Him Back Again, Us Making Mac And Cheese , Me Staying Up All Night With Him When He Was Sick, Me Cooking For Him, The Late Night Cuddles, The Pillow Fights, I Always Protected Him From Harm, I Took Care Of Him All The Time, Us Listening Bon Jovi, I Always Always 24/7 Made Sure He Was Ok, Me Checking His Breathing When He Was Asleep On My Lap, Took Care Of Him All Day Everyday, When He Cried I Sat There Till He Was Ok, I Miss The Cuddles And I Miss Everything, I’m Get Teary Eyed Now, But If I Wasn’t Homeless You Wouldn’t Have To Witness The Shit That Happened To Me, Just To Get Money For Us, So I Took The Pain So I Wouldn’t Lose You, I Lost You Once And I Stole You Back, Then After The Car Incedent I Lost You For Good. When CPS Knocked On Our Door And Said I Was Forbidden To Be Anywhere Near Him, Or Have Contact With Him, All Cuz Of The Shit I Went Through To Take Care Of You, I Love You Little Bon Bon, I Havnt Forgotten About You And I Hope You Remember Me. Father God Please Take Care Of Him, Watch Over Him, Send Him Signs That I’m With Him, I Pray For Him Everynight. Little Anthony, I Love U With All My Heart && Soul, And I Know Were Far Away From Eachother, But God Has Sent A Guardian Angel To Watch Over You. I Love U.-Izzy Magdalinoz 🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈Lil Anthony, Lil Bon Bon, Angel Eyes, Anthony M. I’m Staying Alive With Him, Stay Sober For Him, Work My 12 Steps For Him, Stay Strong && Alive For Him, You Are In My Heart Honey, I Am Going To Live && Love For Him, Like He’s There With Me. Sending Positive Vibes, Prayers && Blessings Your Way, When I Go To NA && AA Meetings I Will Share Your Story With Everyone, I Wrote Your Name On Both My Arms, So When I Look At It , Ill Remember You. Love You Sweetie 🌈🌈🌈🌈Your promises mean nothin to me I don’t date because of all that you did to me Fuck You Kimberly !! I will find you Anthony , ur not blood but your family . I miss u! Happy almost 14th birthday!!! I Will Find You , I’m Not Giving Up , hope u didn’t forget about me. I’m making a song about you . Kimberly , I hope your happy...A big fuck you to my deceased ex girlfriend, Kimberly Marie Olivarez 1. For Calling CPS on me and getting my son Anthony taken away 2. For torturing me 3. For ruining my life 4. For committing suicide in front of me 5. But you changed my life alright I haven't seen Or heard from Anthony in years. And I miss him. I took care of him as my own I miss him Look, I was prostituting, getting tortured raped abused drugged up and went out on the streets (I was homeless at the time) All for money to take care of Anthony and Kimberly. For food housing clothes and to keep us from being in a shelter. Kim, you made false accusations for giving him drugs, which I clearly didn't. You never helped me with shit and I had to do it all on my own I miss U Lil Angeleyezx I will always love you. The love for u is like the love I have for my mom And that's A LOT OF LOVE Oh Kimberly. Thank u for fucking up my life *drops mic* “WEAP” by me, "I’m searching on the low, let’s see how my life goes, I try not to let my pain show, don’t come here to stop it, cuz my delusions are clocking in, stuck on the cold city streets, while the town secretly sleeps, I just wanna be loved, wanna be loved, but only by the man up above, stars and scars anylyze my angelic parts, my demons never go to bed, listen to what I said, a little unsteady, but you got to get ready, to fight life’s battles , it’s not easy I know, walking the streets with my own two feet, I’m damaged but I still gotta manage, 50 dudes come one by one to rape me, they try to kill me, they try to drug me, yes sir I was a criminal, keep my talking to a minimum, who do I love, oh who do I trust, every night poppin pills, smoking, slamming needles, getting drunk, snorting cocaine , all just to numb my pain, sitting in my motel room, CPS knocks on the door, she took little Anthony away from me, oh shit man , was I to mean? MooMoo walks in and tries to kill me, daddy why did you abuse me? I refuse to see, why you secretly tortured me, and said if I tell anyone, he would kill or sell me. I fuckin can’t see, I’m blind and queasy, Where is my love, Where is the love for all the people suffering? For. The homeless and the boneless, for the victims of rape and some of it was caught on tape. For the drug addicts and alcoholics with no care at all, for the abuse, and the ones who can’t take it so they tie the noose , for the mentally ill, they are actually pretty skilled, for the ones who don’t have a home , in foster care, parents unknown, for the ones who are suicidal and self harm, cuz no one ever loved them, I grew up on my own, I’m a stranger to myself and others, cuz I’m one of the unknown, where’s the peace?Secrets no one keeps, the people who lie down 24/7 and just weap, people think we’re weak, we’ll here you go take apeak, through all you’ve been through, your still standing, with people demanding “just get over it”, we are the strongest people, walking down an empty road, even with people around you , you still feel alone, the demons never sleep, all our dark secrets that we keep, it’sok my dear, it’s all coming clear, lookat menow”-byMe Old picture!!!!! I got kicked off the property. Homeless #12 on my son's birthday month plus I have enough shit going on. I mize well live on this bench. Fuck it I'm trying . God please what lesson are u trying to teach me. I'm not tryna disrespect u Lord . But I'm done why do I even try. Anthony and Kimberly and Israel I miss u. Your gone forever. But ignore me and focus on my point here. I'm sleeping on a bench on AnThonys birthday. AlMOST.....I missed mostly every single holiday and birthday. I got cappuccino chocolate chip cookies and ice water in a jug . But anyways I Need a ride if ur close to corona hit me up, I'm desperate I'm not going to be homeless on my sons birthday . Please someone call me. Please please please please please please. Thank u 🥀☆☆☆☆☆☆"Honey, iii Didn't Take My Medicine So I'm Quite A Bit Physcotic Kimberly, Will U Hold My Hand As We Walk Down The Streets There All After Me, iii Went Totally Crazy iii Got Busted && Arrested, We Got In The Car To Run From The Cops Rick Was In The Front, No-one Knew He Was Drunk The Car Crashed On The Side Of The LA Streets When They Investigated Rick Said iii Gave My Son Drugs Next Day We Were In Our Hotel Room There Was A Knock On Our Door, They Put A Restraining Order On Me && Took My Son Away Kimberly Didn't Take Her Meds That Night So She Tried To Kill Me, And I Fought Back She Hung Herself Infront Of Me , The Cops Weren't Quick Enough After All The Damage She Did To Me I Still Have A Sick Obsession Over Her, I'm Obsessed With My Son , I Havnt Seen Him For Years iii Love My Partners In Crime, I Miss My Crime Buddy Kimberly, iii Miss My Lil Angel Anthony. Blood Doesn't Make Family; && iii Am Such A Fool For You, Mama Loves You, You Were All I Had At The Time, It Feels So Unreal , That You Guys Are Gone, iii Will Do Anything To Find My Son, If It Means Going Back To The Streets, Doin Crimes, iii Will Find You Like iii Said Imma Fool For You"~IzzyMagdalinozMartinez☆☆☆☆☆☆ . 💔💔"Linger"~TheCranberries "If you, if you could return Don't let it burn Don't let it fade I'm sure I'm not being rude But it's just your attitude It's tearing me apart It's ruining every day For me I swore I would be true And fellow, so did you So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand? Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you? But I'm in so deep You know I'm such a fool for you You've got me wrapped around your finger Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, do have to let it linger? Oh, I thought the world of you I thought nothing could go wrong But I was wrong, I was wrong If you, if you could get by Trying not to lie Things wouldn't be so confused And I wouldn't feel so used But you always really knew I just want to be with you And I'm in so deep You know I'm such a fool for you You've got me wrapped around your finger Do have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, do have to let it linger?"💔💔💔"The Way She Runs Out Of Her House Walking The Streets With My Own 2 Feet Living In A World Where Trauma Never Ends, Time Is Running Out, Your Hiding Your Feelings Your Broken Inside && You Got Nowhere To Hide Age Twelve Tried To Commit Suicide Your Not Alone Girl Your Not Alone Admitted To The Physciatric Ward Hand Cuffed By The Police The Third Time This Week Trying To Commit You To The State Hospital Mama . I Need You I Love You Right Now Drag The Blade Across My Wrists Binge Drinking And Popping Pills To Numb The Pain Ran Home Told Mama Daddy Did It Again He Abused Me In His Car On Our Trip Blood Coming Down, Smile, Its A Party Now . I Got Tied Up In A Warehouse He Raped Me And Knocked Me Out Honey, You Gotta Tell Someone Led Me To The Streets For The 13th Time Walks Around Like Nothings Wrong Hides Behind That Innocent Smile Mama I'm Sorry Mama I'm Sorry Did You Want A Daughter Like Me Did You Want A Fuck Up Like Me Honey Did You Take Your Medication? Anthony Got Taken Away , That's My Son That's My Love As Kimberly Ties The Noose, She Dissapears Into The Sky Mama I'm Lonely, Don't Be Afraid To Ask For Help Didn't Give A Fuck About My Health Eyes Bloody Red, But I Swear I'm Fine Bodies Weak, But I Swear I'm Fine Trying Not To Cry, I Don't See A Reason Why She Strums That Guitar Like Its Her Friend Can You Fix Me, Can You Seduce Me Oh Honey Your Not Alone, Honey Your Not Alone Were Here To Help Tell Us Where Your Girlfriend Is Mama There's Cops Outside Are They Here To Take Me Away I Was Involved In A Homoscide Case She Went To Treatment So She Could Get Better She Went To Rehab So She Could Get Sober I Am Strong I Am Alive, Alice Is Twisting My Mind Again oh Oh Honey Your Not Alone Oh Honey Your Not Alone Were Running Out Of Time, Monsters Are Twisting With My Mind, They Live In A Cellur , I Live In A Cage All Wrapped Up In My Mind, I've Lost My Mind My Dreams Become Reality, My Reality Became A Dream. Sweet Little Girl Sleeping On The Streets But I Still Reply "I'm Fine" I Still Insist "I'm Fine" I Pray To God, He Comes Inside Me He Saves Me, Mama Hugs Me In The Moonlight ,You'll Be Fine."-WrittenByMeIzzyMagdalinozMartinez💔 ]] *The Meaning Behind "Lil'Toni": some nicknames i gave him were "AngelEyezx" "Lil Bon Bon" "Lil'Toni" "Antonio" "Mooshi Mooshi" "Pain In The Ass" "Birdie'" "Soldier" "Lil One" "BroSkiiSkii" "MnM" "Child" "Lovebug" "Curious George" "Momo" "Anto" "A-Skii" "Ace" "Annnnnthony" "Smart One" "Sweet Child O' Mine" "Mamas Boy " "My Son" "Jay Jay" "Trouble Maker Jr" "Izzys Angel" "Lil Angel" "My Love" "My Sweetheart" "Mister" "Beautiful" "Lassie" "Strong One" "Smartass", *AngelEyezx: this nickname was made up by both of us, he had green eyes and i had a similar color and we would always compliment each other on our eye color, we were like twins, he said i was his angel, and i said he was mine, so we came up with this nick name. *Lil Bon Bon: Anthony was short, well no shit. He was nine, and he loved cinamon rolls, he would always ask me to buy them, it was his favorite food. Even when i didnt have enough money to buy them, he knew what went on in that motel, he called it a motel, but it waz really a run down low star hotel, Anthony wasnt naive about what happened to me nearly everyday. But i called him that cuz he loved cinamon rolls. *Lil' Toni: waz one of the 1st nicknames i gave him, because i still consider him my little boy, even if he waz only 9 at the time. *Antonio: He would have pillow fights with me, while listening to music. He came up with the name Antonio when we would roleplay in the pillow fights. my eyes. *Lil' One: i would always call him that cuz he was my Lil One. *BroSkiiSkii: i forgot how this one came about. *MnM: he loved MnMs so i called him MnM *Child: i call everyone child, but it started with Anthony. *Lovebug: i just called him this, cuz i thought it was cute. *Curious George: he was always curious about alot of things. And was always curious about the next day and/or what would happen next. *MoMo: MoMo was also a nickname that i just came up with. *Anto: a nickname he came up with, he never told me what it meant tho. *A-Skii: A, short for Anthony, well thats obvious, but i mixed it with BroSkii, to A-Skii. *Ace: i always think that the Ace and The Joker are the most important cards in the deck, so i called him Ace, cuz he was the most important thing to me. *Annnnnthony: i loved to joke around with him and make funny voices and stories and i always extended his name, when i was in a joking mood. *Smart One: i used sarcasm a lot, and when he would smart off to me or Kimberly, i would always say "hold on smart one" i would laugh, he mostly smarted off to Kimberly and she wouldn't like it, i was overprotective over him and would literally do anything for him, so i would get hurt instead but him, Anthony never liked Kimberly, i think nobody did either. And it was obvious why. *Sweet Child O Mine: he loved Guns N' Roses, and whenever we would sing that we would dedicate it to eachother. *Mamas Boy: Anthony was a Mamas Boy, so that name was obvious. *My Son: hes my son, but he would never leave my side, instead of me saying "thats my boy" i would say "thats my son" i was proud of him all of time, and i was proud to be his mom, not by blood, but by heart. *Jay Jay: tbh i forgot how i came up with that one. *Trouble Maker Jr: i was the original trouble maker, he would try to take after me. But i wouldn't. *Izzys Angel: like Charlies Angels, i named him Izzys Angel, cuz hes my angel, duh. Lol. *Lil Angel: hes my angel. Period. *My Love: hes my love to infinity and beyond. *My Sweetheart: hes my sweetheart, and always will be. *Mister: "what are u doing mister" i always said that. *Beautiful: he has a beautiful soul and heart. *Lassie: he loved dogs, and anything that had to with dogs. *Strong One: hes extremely strong. In every which way possible. *Smartass: he would be smart to Kimberly or me, and i would say "ok Smartass". But Lil Toni was my favourite one to call him. __Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez "Tyler" (Me) Hi I’m Izzy Magdalinoz 🙂 and I’m here for everyone, I like to help people, I’m sharing this I really don’t care, I wanna help the broken and the hurt, cuz I was in there shoes, here’s my story, part of it actually, a short summed up version, stay strong and keep fighting the battles not over yet.... I’ve been thru traumatic events all my life since I was 4 years old, from abuse, rape, the streets, foster care, shelters, 199 mental hospitals, self harm, I’m a great full recovering addict and alcoholic, my dad died, my mom is my life, homeless 9 times, never had a home , spent life locked away in treatment centers, group homes, crisis centers, foster homes, I’ve been drugged up, almost killed, arrested, I have anger issues, skitzoaffective disorder, bipolar, adhd, ocd , autism, anxiety, depression, insomnia, dissociative identity disorder, I’ve been on mostly all physiactric medications, I’ve had suicide attempts , I’ve been thru a lot , I’ve done a lot , but I’ve rose a kid named Anthony when I was 12, while my drug dealers drugged me up and raped me, my roommate Kimberly is dead , I was in bad situations when I was on the streets, I don’t even know who I am, but this is my story, I don’t care I’m posting it on here, I know it’s personal. But I needed to share this, whoever is reading, u are not alone !!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!!Time to get personal, I don’t trust a lot of people, but it’s time to open up, , here’s my WHOLE life story. “Yo, it’s me again, Izzy Magdalinoz, I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, I use to forget about my pain, I went to rehabs, I’m 19 years old, my dad died In 2011, but he abused me since I was 4, but I couldn’t tell my mom or he would sell me or kill me, so I had mixed feelings, I was homeless 9 times, out on the streets, getting arrested, in fights, almost been killed, I rose a 9 year old kid named Anthony, he was I an abusive foster home, so me and my motel roommate took him in, I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away, and I never seen him since, after that Kimberly tried to kill me in my sleep with Ambien , a meth needle and vodka , I woke up in an ER, and she killed herself, I was raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up , people on the streets, and by someone I don’t wanna talk about, I was in Foster Care a couple times, Angela and Jimmy, a foster home called GPS with staff instead of parents, and with Lisa, I’ve been in 201 mental hospitals, lock down treatment centers, one in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, multiple treatment and crisis centers, group homes, rehabs, shelters, the streets, been in car accidents, I’ve been arrested and detained by a lot of cops in Corona, I have anger issues, been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade, I’ve attempted suicide over 50 timesX I’ve self harmed on multiple occasions, I have bipolar , depression, anxietyX l, insomnia, skitzoaffective, ptsd, ocd , dissociative identity disorder, attachment disorder, and AutismX , I’ve helped the homeless and people In hospitals, been on mostly all psychiatric medication, I’ve never had a stable home since 2011, now on December of 2017 I’m finally home, I love to help others cus im used to people not caring about me, I have trust issues, im always there to help to care to make sure there ok and I don’t stop, make them feel better, I hide behind a smile, stay strong, the battle isn’t over yet, aye it’s Izzy Magdalinoz, your NOT aloneX this is my story”-IzzyMagdalinoz Hey xx my name is Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez, and I am a drug addicted alcoholic with 1 year clean! I’m 21. I know rock bottom, hell, trauma , pain, and darkness from top to bottom x I’ve been homeless 13 times, 215 mental hospitals , I’ve done mostly every drug, I have a sponsor now!! I’m on step 2 and going to NA meetings every Sunday! I literally read the whole NA basic text book xx I have the NA Big Book as well as everything. I have been thru brutal hell/trauma/torture occurring 24/7 since I was 4, till July 2018. Can we please , have a moment of silence For the addict who still suffers In and out of these rooms Y’all are enough man, my drug dealer moved back into town, and he’s tortured me, I have had over 10 different drug dealers, my drug of choice is meth and herion. I lost my unbiological son , who I met in one Out Of the three foster homes I was in, my deceased ex girlfriend tortured me and made false accusations against me that I gave Anthony drugs, and I had to sell myself , prostitute, get tortured , drugged, abused, raped , almost killed etc etc so I can provide a home for Anthony , I was raising him as my own, I was homeless at the time, again. I failed rehab twice, at Cedar House . And I’ve been to 3 other rehabs. I’ve got a criminal record which has been cleaned after I became an adult . This Is For The Addict Or Alcholic That Might Die Tonight The One Who’s Killing Themselves Or Getting Tortured For Drugs 3 out of the many of my drug dealers. Have tortured me brutally I don’t use to “look cool” I use to numb my pain I first thought it would take my pain away I now have severe brain damage Plus over 10 mental illnesses It was MY CHOICE I remember lying on the side of the street , I lost my mom , I lost my self I lost my life, and I wanted to die I’ve been thru mostly every traumatic thing, experienced mostly it all, and done mostly it all No pity no sympathy no attention ... I have lived and seen death, hell, and I’ve been down this road I’ve been around the block Not saying any of you havnt Cuz I don’t know u #YouKnowMyNameNotMyStory #DontJudge I’m here for all of y’all Y’all are enough and y’all are worth it I’m greatful all of u are alive today And if any of y’all need me, cuz I’m here Feel free to contact me I believe in all of u xx Keep holding on I know it’s hard But I’ll be your hope God; Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The Things I Cannot Change The Courage To Change The Things I Can And The Wisdom To Know The Difference AMEN! Keep Coming Back It Works If U Work It One Day At A Time! Hun i know hell and darkness I know rock bottom and back I know pain and trauma from top to bottom. Im 1 year clean and sober off all drugs and alcohol Fight the fight. Dont let the fight win u. Ive had brutal hell && trauma 24/7 from 4 years old (im 21) till july 2018 I was sleeping under bridges, sidewalks, sides of the street i have been homeless 13 sperate times My problem? I help everyone and everything obsessivly. I got the cops called on me AGAIN today. But your enough Keep fucking shining. Dont let anyone dim your shine. Im here for all yall. -Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Dont Judge, Unless You've Walked In There Shoes You Know My Name. Not My Story Its izzy. ;) Thank u for existing. Your doing the besr u can. Stay strong. Im here for u and here to help and be there in anyway shape or form i possibly can. No matter the circumstances. Thank u for everything x IM 1 YEAR SOBER FROM DRUGS AND ALCHOL xIt's been a wild ride my loves. Hey it's izzy. Imma be here for u no matter how much it takes. Cuz your a precious diamond. Just don't give up. Sorry I haven't been replying. It's just I've been going thru shit. Take care of yourself x we will fight we will stand, we will get thru this. Featuring my shitty social skills. Just don't give up alright 💛💛 🥀🖤A Moment Of Silence, For The Addict Who Still Suffers, In And Out Of These Rokms🖤🥀 Cuz basically all 10 + metal illnesses I have plus my past plus my current situation plus all my symptoms of all my diagnosis are multiplied by 10. I've been thru brutal trauma/pain/hell/torture/bad experiences since I was 4 (I'm 21) until July 2018. Occurring 24/7 I've been tortured abused raped almost killed. In 215 mental hospitals. No home from 2011-2018. Homeless 13 times,almost killed, drugged up lost many to death, my dad tortured me, 3 foster homes, many unlocked/locked treatment centers, group homes, shelters, rehabs, residential, been thru MOSTLY every traumatic thing, I have severe brain damage, anorexia, mom is very sick. I help to much. I can't explain what I'm going thru or what's going on. I'm the most high maintaince case in the system. I've attempted suicide over 100 times. Been on all meds /beej thru all sorts of treatment. I have anger self harm. I'm a hardcore addict. No stable home. Ive been tortured/abused/raped/drugged/almost killed most of my life. I'm tell u a little of my life story You all are enough you all are worth it you al matter, your life is not worthless. Hun I know what it's like to hit rock bottom and back several times. I'm here forcing if u need a friend I'll be there for u care for u help support show you your worth. I've been abused raped tortured homeless 13 times 215 mental hospitals bouncing from unlock and locked treatment centers. I've been in residential. My dad tortured me. I've had trauma 24/7 since I was 4 till july 2018 I got my son taken away. I've attempted suicide over 100 times im a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. No home from 2011-2018 I've been abused in all ways several times. I have skitzoaffective bipolar Anorexia ocd ADHD depression anxiety PTSD insomnia autism borderline personality, dissociative identity fued. I've been in rehab. I'm not trying to get attention I'm trying to show that y'all aren't alone. Stay alive OK. You are important to me. I know I just met u. But I'm grateful for your life., LET GO AND LET GOD! Your feelings and life are valid If not today there's always tomorrow. Thank u for existing Stay You, And Believe In Yourself Don't Give Up Now, Yuve Come This Far This is Izzy, and I am a grateful recovering addict. 🖤__Izzy M🥀💚_____________________ Info: {Brotatochipz Brotienshake} YouTube: TwistedMetal411 Facebook: Angelique Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Instagram: Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Snapchat: iSleepiex19 Twitter: Sw33tInzanityx Tumblr: Trippz2iLL2Ace8ItOut Wattpad: Ms_SweetInsanityyx Email #1: [email protected] Email #2: [email protected] 🥀ιzzу21.i❤️&MissMySonAnthonyMartinez.RIP2KimberlyOlivarez,RIP2JeremyBaraz&IshmaelBaraz.RIPGrandpaHarold.RIPKeraAndrews. RIPJuanTorrez, RIPMamaLisa (One 0f My Foster Parents) RIPDad (Tortured/Abused Me In All Ways),RIPGrandmaSarah (My Mom's Mom) Biromantic-Asexual.Sтαуѕтяσηg.вαттℓєѕcαяz.GOD.TraumaSinceAge4TillJuly2018.Occuring24/7.BяσкєηNDamaged.RIP2Me.Surviver.Vocals&[email protected]❤️M0M.i❤️PeteWentz&Tyler Joseph.Queen0fJupit3r.W3ird.Singer.Actor.Writ3r.2Caring.Ace8ItOut.🥀 UrNotAlone. I make movies,Music,freestyles,vlogs,shows,shortseries/films,I'm here4everyone. my solo musician project."Br0k3n R0z3z".All content on this channel owned by me. MyWattpad Ms_SweetInsanityyx (IWroteABook) Lyf Beat [Search4 "Surviving My Mind_Tripp2iLL"] [My Twenty One Pilots Clique Amino Profile: http://aminoapps.com/p/v2eot0 My Username: 🖤Izzy_Is_An_Angel_Too🖤] 💛💛🖤🖤🥀Hi I'm Izzy, Yes I AM A FEMALE THAT IS 10 MONTHS SOBER AND IS A BIROMANTIC ASEXUAL AND I DO NOT DATE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Stay Alive. && Be You, Cuz Your A Somebody. x I'm Here To Change The World, The Universe, && I'm Here To Make A Difference, I wanna save, help, fix, care, be there, support everyone and everything. One Day At A Time, You Matter Your Important, You Have A Purpose, Your Enough, Your Worth It, Your Someone, Don't Let Anyone Dim Your Shine, Remember What Yo Fighting For, Thank You For Existing. I Know Rock Bottom, Hell & Back, Trauma, Pain && Darkness From Top To Bottom, Stay Alive. I Love Helping Others, I Don't Know Who The Hell I Am. But I Am Here. Spread Good Around, Not Evil. Take Care Of Yourselves.🥀🖤🖤💛💛 L0ADiiNG; ██████████████]99% System Malfunction; Errors: Brain Possession, Sanity Loss, Mind Damage, Overthinking, Too High Maintenance, Loss Of One's Mind, and Killing Of OnesSelf Slowly. ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*��*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*• ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ ࿇ ══━━━━✥◈✥━━━━══ ࿇ ࿇ ══━━━━✥◈✥━━━━══ ࿇ ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*• ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ WARNING: A. My Channel Is A Huge Trigger Warning!!! B. I help everyone and everything obsessively (I am there no matter what, I'm here to be there and help in any way, shape, or form possible. So if you need someone, you can contact me on my socials.) C. I am head over heels OBSESSED with Tyler Joseph && Josh Dun (from the band "twenty one pilots") and they are one of the few reasons I am still alive. Thank You And D. This is very personal content that I post, none of it is for pity, clout, attention, sympathy or clickbait. This is all real. I just wanna make others feel better there not alone. My 1st Email: [email protected] My 2nd Email: [email protected] 🖤💛🥀Okay, let me tell y'all a lil bit about this channel, if you go to the home page of my channel. You see the featured video is 5 hours long (you DO NOT HAVE TO WATCH THE ENTIRE VIDEO) and it's 25% of my life story, it is a HUGE TRIGGER WARNING! if your sensitive to topics such as suicide, any form of abuse or torture, trauma, mental health, drug and alcohol addiction, rape, self harm, eating disorders, death etc etc.... or if you already have gone or are going thru these things yourself or someone else has I DO NOT suggest watching it.. 🥀💙My Original Films; My Vlogs; And Other Random Stuff💙🥀 *Then We Have The Playlists "Angelique x Izzy's World" Is Basically My Life Story Vlog: Followed By My Previous Placements, My Mental Breakdowns, && Other Shit "ATEMYSANITY AKA I'm Fine, No Light, No Lie": My Original Film Series, VERY TRIGGERING, I Play All Of The Characters, Basically The Story Of A Troubled Women Named Shawna Vandiego, and Her Vlogging Her Shitty Life. "Chandy Gone Crazy; 5 AM": An Original Film Series Of A Damaged & Traumatized Girl Named Chandlier Stan Madina or Chandy for short "Insesting The Illusion": An Original Film Series About A Mentally Ill Girl Named Stevie Xencell "In The Name Of Love" An Old Series I Made About Too Kids April and Tommy "Death House": An Old Series I Made Before I Went Away To Treatment To A Level 14 Residential Treatment Center In Utah "Hell Pitch": A Series Of Some Of My Own Poems & Stories "Izzy Magdalinoz's Vlog:" Title Speaks For Itself "Man At Work": An Old Series I Made Back In 2011/2012 About Divorce and Failed Relationships "NewOrder1868 (My 2nd Youtube Channel)": Self Explanatory "My Tyler Joseph Tributes": My Tributes for the lead singer of 21Pilots, Tyler Joseph. Videos Range from 30-40 Minutes to 1 to 2 hours. "Izzy Magdalinoz, Random Stuff": Old Inappropriate Videos I Made Awhile Back 🖤🎶My Music🎶🖤 My Solo Musician Project; Br0k3n R0z3z; I freestyle sing and freestyle rap, write, and make original songs, play a little piano and make beats "Album #1: Trippz2iLL2Ace8ItOut": Focuses On My Traumatic Past && How I've Been Dealing With It "Album #2: RedSunNumberNone": Overcoming My Demons "Album #3: Hello Mr Sky, Do I Know You": Me Questioning My Life && My Reason In This Life "Album #4: Breathe, Please": A Dark Album About My Mental Health && My Past "Album #5: Tributes 4 My Broskiis": Songs Dedicated To My Loved Ones "Album #6: Nowhere2BeSeen; Struggling Yet Surviving": My Recovery🥀💛🖤 ━━━━▣━━◤◢━━▣━━━━━ ━━━━▣━━◤◢━━▣━━━━━ ━━━━▣━━◤◢━━▣━━━━━ Yᵒᵘ Oᶰˡʸ Lᶤᵛᵉ Oᶰᶜᵉ τнänκ чöü♥ ๖ۣۜǤнσsτ༻ 《ℛιzε》 ℛɨᎮ昇 I'm Already Dead, So Leave Me Be, My Love .•♫•♬•♬•♫•..•♫•♬•♬•♫•. .•♫•♬•♬•♫•..•♫•♬•♬•♫•. "Up All Night, Got No Shuteye Sick Of Life, Bloodshot Skies Don't Tell Me Good morning, Don't Tell Me Good night"-Copyrighted By Me, I Own This Song. Just Get Some Sleep, Okay? Angelique. Is. Not. My. Name call me Izzy, that's what I go by. Ps: Mental Illnesses Are Not A Trend; STOP MAKING THEM TRENDY PEOPLE. It's real fucking shit. Trust NoOne. Haha. I'm the weirdest girl y'all will ever meet. Don't Judge Anyone/Anything Unless You Have Already Walked In There Shoes. You Know My Name, Not My Story. I love my mom to death. She also keeps me alive. She's my world. It's Midnight here. So just stay safe. Goodnight xx ░▒▓█▓▒░░▒▓█▓▒░ ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ ░▒▓█▓▒░░▒▓█▓▒░ ❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢ ❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢ .Got love4the streets and all of you. Stay Up Fam x “If Y0u Talk En0ugh S3nc3 Than Youll Lose Y0ur M!nd” #SilenceIzB3tt3rThanBullsh!t🥀 Hi idk what the fuck I'm doing? xx Goodnight my amazing lovelies xx Every Rose Has Its Thorn xx You Grow Stronger Everyday xx Izzy, shut the hell up, your being negative again xx 🖤🥀Fake Smiles All Around🥀🖤 🖤🥀It's A Very Very, Mad World🥀🖤 💛🥀Goodbye Reality, Welcome To Dreamland🥀💛 💛🥀Would Y'all Shut Up, Your Disrupting My Train Of Thought🥀💛 🦋🖤Go To Sleep Izzy, Try Again In The Morning🖤🦋 God Is Good, Amen! Pray For Me, My Love I Miss You Anthony, My AngelEyez I Miss You Izzy, Your Not You Anymore R.I.P xx _ xx Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez xx_xx She's Not Dead Physically. __Let's Have A Minute In Silence, For The Addict That's Still Suffering__ 🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀 ❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢ ❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢ Current Status: Single, And Never Again Ready To Mingle (except for Pickle Rickkkk) Still Current Status: Never Dating Again In My Lifetime Health Status: Weird, and Insane Age: 21 Gender: Girl Name: Izzy Occupation: Youtuber/Solo Musician Sexuality: Biromantic-Asexual Working On: 1. My Over 10 Mental Illnesses 2. Recovering From Drug and Alcohol Addiction 3. Helping My Mom 4. Focusing On Myself, Cuz I Help Everyone & Everything Obsessively 5. Not Cutting Myself 6. Staying Sane 7. My Anorexia 8. Being A Better Sister/Daughter 9. Finding My Unbiological Son, Anthony 10. Control My Mental Brwakdowns Favorite Band: twenty one pilots Sister: Yes Mothee: Yes Brother: No Me: Izzy Youtuber At: TwistedMetal411 Solo Musician At: Br0k3n R0z3z School: Centennial High School, Corona (Never Finished) Hometown: Jupiter Current City: Corona Days Without Drugs/Alcohol: September 18th, 2018 Days Out Of The Mental Hospital: Febuary 2019 Days Without Having Unsafe Behavor: Over A Week How Long Until I Date Again: NeverNeverNever Ever Been Cheated On: Countless Times Ever Been Abused: Countless Times. Ever Been Raped: Countless Times Ever Been Homeless: 13 Times Ever Been In A Mental Hospital: 215 Times Ever Been In Foster Care: 3 Foster Homes, 2 out of the 3 were abusive Ever Been In Long Term/Short Term Treatment: Countless Times, To Many Times To Count Ever Been To Jail: Almost Ever Been Arrested: Yes Ever Been In A Fight: Countless Times Current Diagnosis: Bipolar Disorder Schizo-affective Disorder Anxiety Disorder Major Depressive Disorder OCD ODD ADHD PTSD Insomnia Autism Anorexia Nervosa Borderline Personality Disorder Attachment Disorder Dissociative Identity Fued Multiple Personality Disorder High Maintenance Critically/Clinically Insane Severe Brain Damage Medication: Ive been on all physciatric medication Trauma Occurred 24/7 From: 2001-2018 Without A Stable Home: 2011-2018 Got Expelled: Yes Got Suspended: Yes Ever Been To Lockdown Residential: Yes Anger Issues: Absolutely Obsessions: Helping Everyone and Everything && Tyler Joseph Group Homes: Yes Shelters: Yes Therapy: countless times Suicide attempts: over 100 times Dogs: 2 Dogs, Ones a therapy dog Insecure: oh yes Who i love the most: my mom Worst relationship is a person: Kimberly Marie Olivarez Current Mood: Idk Breakdowns Per Day: 5 to 6 sometimes 20 to 22 Am I Ok: I Dont Know Anymore Help Myself or Help Everyone and Everything Else: Help Everyone and Everything Else Music: Oldies, Indie, Lo-Fi, Alternative, Rock, Metal, Grunge, R and B Pop, Country, basically everything. (I also like 60s, 70s, 80s. 90s, music) Favorite YouTuber: MikeMGTV Ever Been In A Near Death Situation: countless times Ever Blacked Out: oh yes Trust Issues: Major Social: Yes Black Sheep/Troubled One/Outkast: Oh Yes Been Bullied: Oh Yes Beeb A Bully: Yes, Sadly Friends: a lot Loyal: yes Engaged: yes, but not anymore Losses To Death: Many People Favorite Color: Purple, Red, Neon Green, Blue and Black Favorite Food: i hate food. No joke Racist: Nope Judgemental: Nope Weird: Hell Yes Insane: Hell Yes In Love: with my dog Like To Do: Make music, make movies, draw, write, sing, rap, freestyle, roleplay, play piano Goodie Two Shoes: Nopeeee 😂😂😂 Trouble Maker/Rebel: Haha, yes Mentally Strong: Yes, sometimes Public Places: nope Cussing: to much Fear: myself. Pretty: nope, but many people think im pretty Ugly: yes, in my opinion Good Personality: Yesss Good Heart: yesssss Sensitive: Only To My Family Popular: nope Do I Like Myself: Hell no Do I Love Myself: still no Excercise?: i do obsessivly Alien: yess Helpful: Obsessivly Full Name: Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Ready: Ready.. Compliments: i dont know how to take compliments *The Meaning Behind "Tyler": Tyler X or "Ace X" or "XX" Fiaskko-Alvaro, is one of my main alters. I have many alters and i live among many alternate universes. Mainly NXSP, or Not Xactly Secure Program, is where my mind is mainly centered, when i was 9 years old, i sae a man, or a shadow, with a knife, on my bed, when i was living in Fernbank, and he told me to look him in the eyes, and i did, and thats when he became my master, and he tortured me, i shoulda never looked him in the eyes, or i probably wouldn't have had the many mental illnesses u have now. But i "raised hell" as Liz Ramos, who i claimed was my name, especially when i went to ETS mental hospital when i was 12, i told them my name wasn't Sara (Sara is my legal name) that it was Liz. And i go by Izzy now, i took the last name Martinez, from Anthony. Even if its not my real last name. Tyler was my second alter, also being mind abused by Johnny "JJ" Garcia. ____________________________ **About Angela/Andrea and Jimmy; [Angela/Andrea Miller]; Angela/Andrea Miller was born in prison, and almost aborted. Her parents were a religious couple, and her brother, Delacruz, would torture her behind their parents back, one day Angela hit her head against a brick wall, she woke up with no memory of anything, and couldnt remember her name, at all, she got diagnosed with "Multiple Personality Disorder" and became abusive and extremely torturous, she met Jimmy at a frat party, and they started doing drugs together, but Jimmy had no idea about her torturous side. She "switched" a lot, kinda the same situation as Dr J. And Mr Hide, but her good personality faded and Angela and Andrea became one personality. The extremely torturous personality. [Jimmy Miller]; Jimmy was always abusive, but never as abusive and his wife, Angela/Andrea Miller. Jimmys biological kids got put into foster care after being taken away by CPS, Jimmy grew up in an abusive single parent household, he was a wife beater and abused his kids. His dad was never around and his mom was addicted to crack cocaine and alcohol. Jimmy was a bully at school when he was in high school. Jimmy met Angela/Andrea Miller at a frat party. And they clicked as soon as they met, but still he had no idea about the "real side" of her, Jimmy offered to run a group home, which later lead to the foster home, but they never had a license to be foster parents, they took in Enji first, and thats how everything started. How i know this? I observed a lot. **About Anthony; Anthony is a 14 year old male. Who is my unbiological son, i bent over backwards for him, He got taken away after Kimberly Marie Olivarez, who is my deceased ex fiance, and Jeremy Carlos Baraz, who is my deceased ex friend. Both of them made a false accusation that i gave him drugs, which is false. And CPS took him away, he was 9 at the time, now hes 14. Hes turning 15 soon, and i miss him everyday. I raised him as my own. We never figured out who his real parents are. But he lived with his aunt and uncle Sarah and George Castillo, then with a foster family, With Cherri and Jose Martinez, then with Angela/Andrea and Jimmy Miller, where we were previously living, i left than came back for Anthony. I havnt seen him for years and idk where he is, i did my best to be a mother. And to take care of him, no Matter the circumstances. **My 4 Different Experiences W/ Anorexia; 1st Time: 2012; Weight: 77lb. I would starve myself till i passed out, i would obsess over calories, including refusing to drink water, i would excersise to the point of passing out, they rushed me to the ER, and i got fed through a feeding tube, i weighed down to 77lb and still thought i was fat, my bones were showing, i couldnt function, longest without food was 20 days, i drank ensure and made myself throw it up. I went into treatment for Anorexia Nervosa, my mom still isnt aware to this day. 2nd Time: 2015; Weight: 84lb. All i ate were saltine crackers, and i would starve myself up to 8 to 9 days, while in the process of doing that, i was in treatment, remember i didnt have a home from 2011 to 2018. So nobody was aware, i went down to skin and bone. I was homeless and bouncing from mental hospital, to treatment centers (unlocked/locked/involuntary/voluntary/short term/long term) the streets. And to rehabs, foster homes, group homes etc etc. I weighed myself everyday. People got concerned, and they admitted me to a mental hospital after i was on the side of the highway, and i kept blacking out, i was on a lot of drugs at that time. Meth mainly, and alcohol. I got taken to a mental hospital, and i couldn't leave till my tray was finished. And i had a 1:1 staff with me at all times to monitor my food intake, but i got past them, i didn't eat for a week, and they gave me the feeding tube again, and i had a huge hatred towards food. 3rd Time: 2017; Weight 98lb. I was in and out of placements and i starved myself for 6 days, then on the 7th i made it look like I ate. With my own methods. I was extremely insecure, and my mental illnesses got worse, people said i was skinny, but even at 98lb i still thought I was fat. I was sent to a treatment centre for eating disorders, and i still refused to eat, and i checked myself out. And then regretted it later. 4th Time: 2019; Weight: Under 130lb.?? Its been since late March or early April. And is still active at this time, i basically hate food. Its been months new, and my weight has been rapidly decreasing, i starve myself from 4 to 6 days, and on the 6th day i eat something small. Then i secretly throw it up, im not at an unhealthy weight, i exercise obsessivly and obsess over calories, i look in the mirror and i look fat, but everyone else saying that im Skinny, after the 5 to 6 days with no food, on day 7 i eat something small, then starve myself again, im blacking out more, and my mom wants me to go to treatment, i hate food with a burning passion, and im taking diet pills, but im over 1 year clean from all drugs and alcohol, im obsessed with losing weight and even after i lose to much. Its never low enough. 🔥🦋🥀This Is My 4th Time Struggling With Anorexia Nervosa. Ive been starving myself for so long now, that its become so easy to just skip days with no food. Food is my enemy & i hate food ' all food with a passion. Ive seeked treatment several times, ive gotten a feeding tube, and almost died several times. I count the calories and literally EVERYTHING. I excercise obsessivly. While i look in the mirror and see how fat i look, everyone else says i "look sick" and im "skinnier then i realize", #EatingDisorders *my over 10 + mental illnesses *starving myself *my 4th time with Anorexia *my experiences *weight loss pills *my dangerous experiences with eating disorders *being underweight *how much i hate food *you DONT HAVE TO BE SKINNY TO HAVE ANOREXIA *treatment *how much your worth *spoken word *a small short film *"im not hungry" *aftereffects *my old anorexia video *insecuritys *trauma/pain/rock bottom/hell/darkness *awareness *how you matter/important/have a purpose/someone/enough/worth it/perfect just the way you are *weight and calorie obsessions *bullying *my many past traumas *staying strong/im here for all yall Listen, I have an eating disorder called Anorexia, im starving myself. But I don't have an appetite. I can go many days without eating. Problem is I dont want to eat! OKAY!! Just because I'm not skinny doesn't mean I don't have an eating disorder I've struggled with this disorder multiple different times. And it's been many months with me not eating. I'm supposex to go to treatment for it I'M SO FUCKING TIRED FAKING BEING HAPPY I NUMB MY PAIN IT'S MY FAULT To ANYBODY WHO PUTS OTHERS DOWN FOR WHO THEY ARE FUCK OFF BRO. I'M NOT PLAYING CALL ME NEGATIVE! I'M SPEAKING MY MIND GROW THE FUCK UP!!!! I'M TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN, FOOD IS MY ENEMY #EatingDisorder #StopTheStigma #Anorexia #Buliemia #Treatment #HereWeGoAgain #YourAmazingJustTheWayYouAre Have a blessed day. 💚💚💚 🥀🥀I'm getting help for my eating disorder. I've been starving myself but whenever I do get the chance that eat I throw it up secretly. I'm admitting I have a problem and I'm willing to seek treatment. But if I go to another mental hospital or anything related or if I fuck up one more time I'm being admitted to the state psychiatric ward. Higher level of care. Look up "Institutional For The Mentally Diseased" or "Metropolitan State Hospital" im getting sicker and sicker and it's killing me mentally and physically (more than it already is currently) I will be okay. Stay strong everyone. Your all worth it!. (I can't function at all, but I already couldn't function but it's gotton worse)🥀🥀 ______________________________________ __________**NXSP/My Demons____________ **Johnny "JJ" Garcia√: my 1st demon, he possesses me. He was born inside me as my master while i raised hell alongside him. when i was 9, i looked him in the eyes, and ever since then he became my master, and he possesess me, he said "pull the red wire, and that will kill me", which was a huge lie. I killed Johnny while i waz filming a documentary inside NXSP, he hasnt came back yet, but that made Mr Alvaro intensify and become worse. Johnny or commonly known as JJ, is the son of Presley/Wesley Garcia, or commonly known as "KnockOut 890xo" who is Johnnys master. But he is dead, after Erin connected NXSP with The Ends. And after Erin started a fire. He passed away in 2012. Then Johnny took after his dad. And now hes dead. **Lileth "Lily" Ramos-Garcia√: She got tortured, and abused in all ways by Johnny Garcia, Lily abused me, cuz i looked Johnny in the eye at 9 years old, and then became my master, asa well as Lilys master. Johnny made Lily his "bitch", if she leaves Johnny, he would kill her, torture her more, and report her then send her to "The Ends". Johnny tortured her so bad. That Lily lost all her senses. She died multiple times. **Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos√: My first alter, in love with Johnny. He tricked Liz thinking he was there for her, and got her back. Sold, abused and tortured her, and made her in love with the darkness and pain, she got sent to The Ends, several times. **Charlotte "Alexx" McMann√: Whos Alex is her alter. Was an addict and alcoholic, tortured herself and others to get crack cocaine, her drug of choice. Charlotte is a transgender Female. From male to female., The McManns are the lowest hunans in NXSP. The outkasts. She claims that Dancing Fire aka Lily, made Erin fuck up NXSP and thats why "The Ends" exsist and is why Johnny turned out the way he did and how Mr Alvaro (Michael A. Alvaro) was born. People thought Michael was born by Johnny but the truth is Dancing Fire created him., Johnny was Charlottes dad, and Presley was her grandfather. After Izzy killed Johnny, Lily killed Charlottes mom. After Lily injected false dangerous codes in her. Charlotte loses her senses and her memory. She claimed she didnt know who anyone is including herself. **Chris "Marlin" McMann: A new demon who basically fucks around with my head. No other information, its in theu unknown **Wesley "Presley" Garcia (Johnnys Abusive Master)√: is Johnnys master and biological father. But is now deceased. **Constance "CeeCee" McMann√: is my protecter from harm or any demons that try to fuck with me. She calms me down and is always there for me, she never leaves my side. I havnt heard from her. Later finding out she passed away, she is Erins sister and Charlotte's mother. **Dancing Fire "aka Lilys Alter" (demon like archangel misunderstood in the form of fire, might be another world trying 2 contact me)√: Dancing Fire came about when i posted a picture on Facebook, with me holding a lit up lighter, titled "Up All Night With Dancing Fire" and ever sense then it haz been getting progressively worse. I shouldn't have summoned it, but to late now. **Michael Alvarado-Alvaro√: Michael A. Alvaro aka Mr. Alvaro. was created by Lily aka Dancing Fire, Mr Alvaro is the master of Tyler "Roo" Alvaro. Connecting the dots, one of my main alters is Tyler XX "Roo" Alvaro (the good Alvaro). Mr Alvaro possesses me, takes control of me. And is the main demon whilst i have physcotic episodes and mental breakdowns, which i used to have 5 to 6 a day. Now it went up to 20 to 22, now 20 to 25 a day. Mr Alvaro comes in many forms. And he decodes me and everything around me. Hes my main demon now. **Tyler "Roo" Fiaskko-Alvaro && Izzy "Ace 8/Spizey/Ms_SweetInsanityyx/DrearyEyezx/Ronnie Irez"Magdalinoz-Martinez (Me)√: Who's first love was Michael Alvarado-Alvaro, who abused and tortured, sold and raped Tyler in every which way possible, everyday allday. Runs NXSP. Alongside Izzy. Helps everyone and everything obsessivly. I am the main character in NXSP, which is one of the alternate universes i live and dissociate into. **Chandy/Gladdis/Leon/Charlene/Raul/Ralphie/George/Michaela aka Michael (all characters from my movie, "Chandy Gone Crazy; 5:00 AM Im Trashed, Im Done" etc.): i waz portraying these characters so much that they came out life. **Erin Ramos√: Erin Ramos, brother of Liz Ramos, brother to Constance "CeeCee" McMann. Erin got possessed by Lily aka Dancing Fire, which he acted out and collaborated NXSP with The Ends. Which fucked up NXSP for good. **DANCING Squares√: DANCING Squares, commonly known as Erik Ramos-Garcia, is a demon that morphs into objects is shapes, which leads them to "have a force on me" its a human taking place as different shapes, and adds codes to them to make them possess me, they take place in a big square, and they dance alongside ceilings, walls, and come as different shapes, but the outline is always a square, thats why i made up the phrase "Dont Talk To The Ceiling, It Might Talk Back". **Duplicates of People√: thiz one is self explanatory, ever since 2012, i see two people instead of one. But one of them in the false version. **Bad Mommy/Good Mommy√: after my dad died, which i dont consider my father, i had visions of my mom abusing me. But i knew reality from fantasy. Scars on her face., Bad Mommy abuses me, but i can tell the difference. Cuz "Bad Mommy" haz scars on her face. **Bad Daddy/Good Daddy√: after my dad died in 2011 (tbh he tortured me in all ways, so im glad hez dead, i dont consider him my father) anywho after he died i was in denial, i have 10 senses. So i see dead people. Hes in my dreams. **Visions&Hallucinations of Past/Future√: My whole past, flashes by in my head vividly. My future i can see clearly. **Cones√: they are just floating objects. But mainly Cones, which i consider a warning sign, guiding me in the right direction, but sometimes in the wrong direction. **Red Dots: red dots leading me places, usually calling TAXI #1 THRU #10. **Flyerway√: Flyerway and basically me floating above the earth during near death, out of body. And dissociated experiences, i now dissociate all day 24/7 (also in a dream) but it USED TO BE 80% TO 88% A DAY. **Veronica/Victoria Enxxellia√: Theres 2 parts to this, Veronica and Victoria is basically split personalitys with NO middle ground. Kinda like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide. But this demon is very dangerous, it takes over my body. In every/any which way possible. **Objects Having Force On Me√: i look at an object and i feel like its staring and taking me over, possessing me. And scares me. Tryna decode me. Controlling me. **Flying Objects√: kinda like objects (living and non living) fly and/or float in the air, (examples: a coffee table flying in the air, furniture floating in the air.) **Demons Posessing Me√: Self Explanatory, but basically demons possess me to the point where im worse is satan himself, or losing all control, and being "taken over/controlled". **SatanslashGod (can't tell the difference)√: satan and God both sound the same in my head, and i cant tell them apart. **Richard Enxxellia√: Richard "Richie" Enxxellia is a recent demon of mine, who decodes everything and everyone. But he gives me dangerous capabilities, which i act out dangerously, bizarrely and unsafely. **Three 7's√: have u ever been to a casino? If u have then youll understand, i feel like im famous, but now i realized that its called "Delusions Of Grandeur" which is part of my mental illnesses (i have over 10 mental illnesses), one of my doctors explained what that meant. I go out of reality a lot more than a person ever should. **Seventy Three 6's√: =7 x 3 x 6, so basically me feeling like im dying, and/or already dead. **Puppoi (A Duplicate Of My Puppy Raskcal)√: i see a hallucination of my therapy dog, Raskal, when im the only one who can see him. **Mr.OutOfDate√: this bitch pisses me off, 1. its basically when i have dreams/voices/visions/and obsessions over my mom dying. 2. Or when i live thru hell and darkness itself, like literally. 3. And lastly when i feel like im fading away closer to death. **NXSP (0ne Of The Alter Worlds I Live In As Liz Ramos, as I raise hell with Johnny "JJ" Garcia (I try to kill him on multiple occasions but I pulled the Red Wire && he got worse)√: NXSP, or known as "*Not Xactly Secure Program*", is one of the main alternate universes i go to, but its a dangerous (prison/hell/matrix/supernatural) world i go to. Thats where all my demons take place. It didnt used to be dangerous. Until Lily made Erin destroy the world of NXSP, by merging it with The Ends. **The Ends (The End Of NXSP it's worse than hell itself times infinity 100 percent)√: its worse than hell itself, basically you die and u never go back. But u get sent there while your asleep. And u never return. **Jonathan Maqranga√: Johnny and Alvaro tortured him, had a stepmom who gave him shit. I. Return of sex and getting tortured. From his brother's and sisters. It was rape and torture, he fell in love and the drugs. So he would do it. His dad left, he was around to protect Jonathan from the torture anymore, His mom introduced him to drugs at age 9, and he got addicted from that day on. His stepmom was actually Michael Alvarado-Alvaro. The other main person behind the torture. Was Lily Ramos-Garcia. His sister. **TwentyStepsForward√: TwentyStepsForward is a demon that i dont deal with a lot. But it's commonly known as TSF, which is the abreiviation of the whole name. TSF was born in a human demon body. But turned to ashes, after Johnny died. But it was later found out by me that this was Dancing Fires brother. **Edgar "Eddie" Alejandria√: Known as Eddie Alejandria (the main personality out of his 3 personalitys) , was a demon with no background to any other demons. But this demon was one of Johnnys servents. Eddie was in foster care his whole life. Eddie Alejandria is one of 3 personalities. 1. Eddie Alejandria: Main Personality 2. Chillwax Alejandria: Bad Demon (Devil) 3. Edgar Alejandria: Good Demon (Angel) **Dancing Rooms: everything is like a labrynth, rooms dancing and turning around. And talking to me. **UglyBitterSky√: this one is the archangel who i use to take me from universe to universe. Why it was named UglyBitterSky, is because it was a misinderstood archangel, commonly hated by Lily. Or Dancing Fire. **TheFuckAllTheWayUpInTheSky√: created by Dancing Fire, basically the sky tries to change courses and universes. Without permission of NXSP, tries to send u a message, but it doesn't care, its a living thing. **Chillwax Alejandria√: Chillwax Alejandria is the 2nd personality out of the 3. But is the Devil Demon, as well as Eddie, the 1st and main one. And Edgar. The Angel Demon. **People From My Past, A Vivid Movie Like Form Of My Whole Past From Beginning To End Flashing By In My Head (Random Times, Coordinated by Dancing Fire Themself): imagine all of my past, which some of u know 21% of it, oh well theres more. It goes from the very beginning in a vivid like movie detailed version of my past, to the very end of the trauma (2018) and whenever i start feeling good, Dancing Fire, cordinates it cus it wants me to go back in time and be constantly reminded of my traumatic past, so even tho it already happened, i relive it everyday and never really escape it. **ClosedOptions: this makes me go backwards. Programming negative stuff in my head that effects my every day living. **Josephina "Paid2Kill" Hernandez√: shes a torture, abuse, rape, street, domestic violence and suicide attempt survivor. Also got tortured in all ways by Johnny Garcia and Michael Alvarado-Alvaro. Josephina was in foster care. She died 21 times, then 11 times after that. But not on her own. Pills darkness pain and death was her addiction. She jumped off a bridge and became a "vegetable", but shes been in NXSP 3 times. But the 4th time she came up to NXSP, she got transferred to another unit, but was to "high maintenance" so she went back to NXSP. 💚💚🔥🥀🦋A Lil Deeper Into My Demons Life; *Johnny "JJ" Garcia; about the visions he basically comes at night funny how "at night" is when i act out anyways, "johnny" did some huge damage to me and made me do damage to others, but mostly me, he abused me, made me breakdown millions of times made me violent with crazy ass visions of different shit, its like living in a horror movie.coming after me i tried to kill him but he never dies he said "pull the red wire" which one do i pull theres to many i hate when he "possesses" me when he comes after me even in my dreams he still makes me violent sometimes but less cuz im getting treatment. "you gotta nice autograph picture, one for you and one for yo sister" at my group home "JJ" hassnt seen me (except for once i was outside trying to kill me or hurt myself, i threw rocks at the car that Johnny was running over my mom with in the vision, she ran she ran and i almost went AWOL but i didn't) *Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos; ~The Night You Left, Turning Sara Into Elizabeth Ramos~ MY STORYxccc Written In 9/6/12 I was screaming, panting, searching, all over, so this is my story, so i was @ Preston's open house, right? and he got mad at me and tried to punch me so i punched him then i ran round the blocks screaming for you when people walked by i threatened them i was insane dark posessed, i stole a pack of cigarretes and some blue pills and Esctasy the cops (there were about 7 or 8 cars) chasing me but i was to fast finally i got thrown in my moms car i went home lockled in my room going crazy cutting till i was bleeding and beaten and bruised, trashing my room, destroying everything, graffiting on myself and the walls writing "666" everywhere. ranting on satanistic shit, listening to death metal, finally Johnny took full control and possessed me i busted the door down trashed the house i punched my mom and myself the officer in our house i stole a pill bottle and chased my family around ranting on and on i busted the front door open my mom tackled me to the ground i got out of her grip i ran into the dark going cxrazy going mad trying to die with Johnny chasing me and abusing me, after about 5 minutes they tackled me to the ground i went to the car destroying the glass all my personalities came out, i got more posessed than before i realized it wasnt you Cynthia sang to me and i knew it wasnt you it was your father, Presly Garcia, i know you would leave me i knew you would fuck up. *Johnny "JJ" Garcia; ~Lisxten Upx~ MY STORY.cc EMPTY.TO.EMPTY (WRITTEN AT RESIDENTAL TREATMENT CENTER) This is how I feel, i know you don't have the power to kill my mom you showed me that she burned in a fire well fuck off Johnny are you real? NO YOUR NOT FUCKING REAL. MAKE ME A PERSON OF DARKNESS, my depression digs deep Johnny no Johnny STOP MAKE IT STOP HELP ME HELP ME STOP IT NO GO AWAY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? but you can't kill mommy please dont take me to the ends. i don't know about you, but im done. this is how i feel, i feel lonely, and shattered, don't know where to go, what to do, im just done, i don't care about me, i hate me. I HATE ME. the new me isn't like the old me, the new me has lost herself inside and outside, mentally and physically, im lost inside a big dark hole of lonleyness, depression, sorrow, hurt, blind, numb, fucked up, mental, ill, scared, paranoid, crazy, done... If i leave i know, that you would be laughing you wouldnt cry JUST FUCKING WATCH ME SUFFER ABUSE MYSELF TO DEATH AND YOULL LAUGH YOUD BE HAPPY. and as i say goodbye, noone will here me. shit. worthless. lonely, nothing. wasted. IM FUCKING DONE! LET ME GO GET OFF ME IM DONE!!! its all clashing down nowhere to hide, trapped inside, wanting to die, wanting to cry, burst, break, can't breathe, its all inside, i have to get out before everyone comes down, i'm sorry to you all for making your life misrable. Something in my brain is missing or snapped, i can't reconize myself, im going dark, nothings helping im getting crazier, getting worse, its taking control of me its killing me, all over, its not normal, its killing me all over, im blind, im stuck, about to break, a chemical embalance, im different. my hallucinations make NO SENSE IM NOBODY WHO AM I I DONT KNOW WHO I AM. im losing my mind idk who i am its the end, wait stop talking, there coming in suits killing me, why arent i normal? whats going on? laugh laugh feeling intoxicated mental retardation out of it delusional fuck man im losing it, im going insane, idk who i am, help me, lost 40 lbs idk who i am real bad hallucinations, try to kill myself, my amazing friend Oscar prayed with me, cared, comforted me, helped me, he saved me brought me to God. I WANT DADDY. WHATS GOING ON? repeated phrases over and over in my head in my mind its broken, IM SCARED, "circles and squares for people who cares" i wanted to die, stayed up all night in the hospital bed, for 20 FUCKING HOURS. nothing makes sense.... BAD.EPISODE.SCREAMING. there after me, i dont know whats going on whats happened to me, ive changed for the worse NO NOT THE CHANGE. idk whats real and whats not, im not in reality, im in a dream can't wake up WHEN WILL I WAKE UP? my life is crumbling, Johnny is becoming real, bad anxiety, mom called 911 WENT TO ETS MENTAL HOSPITAL, CUZ I WENT CRAZY, THEY TOOK ME AWAY DONT TAKE ME AWAY WHY DID YOU TAKE ME AWAY??? IM JUST DONE AND OVER... bye :( *Good Daddy/Bad Daddy; So this is how it all started, so on 3/18/14, Tuesday, i tried to commit suicide, the night before i pulled an allnighter with my iPod, and pulling allnighters effects my medication, i was hearing my dads voice talking to me, saying, "im coming back" "no your not you little bitch so shut the fuck up" "im coming back nomatter if i like it or not" the next day at school i went AWA around campus. i was already pissed and triggered, i missing my dad, so i told my teacher and i went AWOL twice, the 1st time i ran i tried to jump in front of a car and my staff saw me and the OGI van was already chasing me, i refused to get in the van, they took me back to the school, i got out and went AWOL again, try kill myself, the van chased me, i fought to get in and this time the staff escorted me to the residential dorm quiet room, i got in 6 restraints 4 escorts, i selfharmed with my nails and i was damaging property. i had a whole bunch of people talk to me i screamed "i wanna go home" everywhere, i started hearing and seeing things, i didnt go home i went to ETS mental hospital, in an ambulance, all this shit happened cuz i was being unsafe, now i learned my lesson. *NXSP; ~Underestimated~ My Storryyxx 8/12/14 Sometimes, its not what it seems, its not reality, could cry and hurt myself for hours not sleep pull allnighters one day after another im bloodshot my brain is sufficating you can see all the hurt and pain in my eyes, im scared, wanting to die, take my family with me, im just so messed up, im done with this shit the mentalness the non functionality the disorders, im tired of me, im tired of life, im tired of everything. im just, darkness. ON 8/7/2012 In progress... okay its now 5:02 P.M, Johnny's awake again, ready to start raising hell, hes in process or "processing" hes adapting, ready to posess me, imma take off the motion detector im FUCKING BLOODSHOT READY TO FACE DEATH IM TO UNSTABLE IM TO DANGEROUS. and the wires, well white wires, trying to break free out the locked doors , so sweet, the dectectors on the doors the wires on the walls, the blood on the ceiling, the dreams that crash my mind MAKE ME FUCKING BLIND. myself broken to peices, 2:00 AM still up slaving myself, about to go out on myself, wanting to hang, but its just a thought, an addicting thought, the pain and suffering theres no end to the feeling, im down. almost about to become someone else, the transfering starts as i transform into someone dark, a dark shadow waiting to come out and kill the light, as the blood drips down me, on everything, my wrists, so silent, then i scream, cuz im bloodshot, eyes you can barely see nomore, cuz there full of blood, clear for water, the wires falling down, and strangle herself, now its 5:00 am, still awake ready to start it all over again. xx {.} isnt it funny? its like im a completly different person, no touch with reality, yes i do agree ive changed for the worst, mental in the head, my brain doesnt function right, and im different, im not normal stanger to myself its like im a complete stranger... mentally unstable, physco, not normal, im so ill, like im a complete stranger FUCK IT MAN. to crazy for normalcy NO FUNCTIONALITY THE PERFECT FUCK MY LIFE. insanity insane ive dissapointed all of them WHO AM I? nothing.. to bad for me, haha isn't it funny??? "Ms Function or KnoqoutToCrazyyes.no.or.maybe." *Flyerway; (POEM BY ME ALISA MONEE ALVAREZ/SARA BERGER) ""Have you heard the news lately, i was born to be dead, meant to be someone, but now imma noone, so now i blaqout, see you later, well maybe... Open your eyes, see yourself cry, die, break, and fade away, heartless and cold, stone cold, broken and empty, noone else knows, the pain that unfolds, the dark side of your mind, mental and lonely, how come you never told me? some reason or excuse, to keep me from me, is it because im to crazy or im sick in the head? all those stories you told me, when i was a baby, something changed right inside me, then i grew up for noone, had no love and acception, then i became different, to crazy to function, my brain is defunctioned, im old and unstable, but i am not able, to pay back the life i was grown to, crazy and physco, noone to hold me, sing rock'a'bye'baby. I guess i was born crazy, mentally ill, built a wall i cant break down, these chains tied right on me, broken and knoqued out, have you heard me lately? i am noone BUT IM BECOMING A SOMEONE I FOUND MYSELF AGAIN, THROUGH GOD, HE SAVED ME, IM READY TO BE HEALED TO BE RECOVERED END THE DARKNESS, GET BETTER, END TREATMENT, IM FUCKING READY YOU BITCHES CANT STOP ME, Im not gonna lose it all, go all out, make stupid ass choices, no dangerous stuff, imma maske the right choice I LOVE YOU GOD, THANK YOU@!!!!!"" POEM BY ME. THE END. *Johnny "JJ" Garcia/The Ends/Erin Ramos; ~Break In The Dark, Molero Fever~ Myy Storii xc :3 8/7/2012 "JJ"s awoken from his sleep, Putting Liz and brother's fire out, tonight ...Hes awake, hes awake,please save me, i cant control him anymore, i cant fight him anymore, not even for you, please mom come and save me, make him dissapear so i can see the stars again, Johnny, are you wake? are you ready to raise hell? i knew youd come back, are you gonna just stand there or are you gonna try to take over me, no no no dont touch me, to many people to much noise to much sound, no shut up, rock back and fourth, no mom please fly here tonight and save me, please no no no dont die Preston, are you really in the hospital? no hes not bleeding, open your eyes, JJ do you copy? send Preston to The Ends, the end of WHAT? no Johnny let me go, PLEASE LET ME GO, is that him? no no no no no no NOOOOOO lET GO OF ME. don't touch me DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME GET THE FUCK OFF ME. hes not dead, he cant be, im bleeding, Johnny stop not there, no i need you mom, no Johnny, no Johnny your not me, your a liar, NO IM NOT NOW HOLD STILL, IM GONNA KILL YOU, NO JOHNNY, PRESTON, MOMMY, hes now awake, processing, Johnny to Constance, send em all to The Ends, put there fire out, NOW, I SAID NOW BITCH... *Constance McMann; Saturday, 2:28 pm, Auguest 18th, 2012, Constance i need to ask you something. Dear Constance, i know how hard you worked to take care of me, but i still cant be here, alone, in this spot, sure i call you and i ask if theres a way to escape "JJ" but your answers always the same, "pull the red wire" but i dont know where it is, so please tell me, i love mom i really do, i cant choose between my real mom, and you Constance, your my sister, i call you my mom, but YOUR NOT MY FUCKING MOM. Liz Ramos, OUT... Thursday, 7:29 pm, Augest 23rd, 2012, and in the dark, he must remain. *NXSP/Erin Ramos/Liz Ramos; Things Erin did wrong... 1. told JJ about the red wire, 2. mentioned "the thing", 3. told JJ "L"s number, 4. pulled up a knife to Preston, 5. told JJ that Lisa is "L". Aye, call JJ back @2:30, call mama, to pull it all out, the numbers of "US" make the dreams harder, follow the red wire to kill it all, all the Garcias all the McManns, i thought i was outta sight, but im back on, calling Lisa 60 times a day until he kills, i dont know who, but it all means something, Lorene, i thought the socket was already electrified, i shaked and shaked, now look where i am, look where Preston is, sick as hell in the hospital bed, stop calling Lisa, im asking you Johnny, im not, im not, IM NOT break out with the green wire, i know you can, what about late night? i made a contract for the program, now JJ put me on level drop, 4RF, bitch, now I...I...shit here he comes, calling me, OH SHIT. -.- This is a blog i wrote when i was at my level 14 residential treatment center. Tuesday, 6:51 pm, Augest 21, 2012 LIFE OUTTA JOHNNYS SIGHT, WHO FUCKING TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU SO... why JJ did you open up a new story on us, not willing to even notify me, ive been in the program for 4 fucking years, and you never mentioned "The Thing" to me, im one of you guys, i had sight put on me, and now you want me to uninstall it? JJ get it thru your damn head that im a part of "US" im not going to The Ends i know hes in the hospital. you told me he was sick, i thought you were a liar, but i know its for real this time. the outsiders think your nothing but a freak, unexsistable, fake, but i know your real, i dont want to get a new master, im out of sight, forever, this is me Elizabeth Ramos..... oh my fucking god Erin, can't you see Liz doesnt want you or need you, just shut up, i dont want to hear it, shes outta sight all because of you, NO JJ ITS NOT MY FAULT, please just give me one more chance i dont wanna go to The Ends, im sorry i mentioned "The Thing". No Erin, times up, the red wires been pulled, and its all BECAUSE OF YOU. now we have to live outta sight, and Elizabeth, when she finds out Johnny cant be her master, and ill tell her the excact reason why. Im Erin Ramos this is me... bye. What do you mean? are you saying he left? AGAIN. i know Liz, all im saying is he can no longer posess you. then how the hell am i supposed to raise hell? if it hadnt been for Erin, we wouldnt be in this fucking mess, this would have NEVER HAPPENED. no CeeCee you know what this means, were gonna be sent to The Ends, if one "Ramos' pulls the wire, all the "Ramos" will be taken to The Ends. Do you know how low functioning Erin is? NO. I DONT GIVE A SHIT IF HE IS. SEND HIM TO THE ENDS, IM NOT GOING DOWN THAT ROAD, being a "McMann" HELL NO. Liz, im so sorry, i should have told him, its not my fault, ITS NOT MY FAULT... This is Elizabeth and CeeCee. nite bitch.... Okay Tuesday, 8:38 pm, Augest 28th, 2012, this is Plumb and Erin Ramos, JESUS CHRIST HOW LONG HAVE I KNOWN YOU? for all the time ive known you, like 2 years? shit, Erin hasn't even told Johnny about you yet, Plumb. i know your my friend, my step sister, but i have to tell Johnny, if you want to be a part of "US" i have to. But what if he doesn't approve me for the program? WELL THEN GET YOUR ASS UP AND START THE PAPERWORK. what paperwork? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? youll be sent to "The Ends" if JJ hears that, dont you EVER deny paperwork, oh and dont mention "The Thing" either. whats "The Thing"? Dont tell JJ that i told you what "The Thing" is, alright? i promise. okay "The Thing" happens excactly on December 30th, 2012. YEAH AND? what happens is all the wires will be pulled, and every person that asleep while its happening will be sent to "The Ends" Erin is gonna be sent to "The Ends" regardless, i know you like Erin, but hes your step brother, he doesnt even know you exsist, well im logging off, nite o> *Michael Alvarado-Alvaro/DANCING Squares/Veronica&Victoria Enxxelia; [[[[ -----Will You Believe Me If I Went Insane? (These are TRUE REAL Stories I had written in CHYC treatment center back in 2012, these are 100% real, about my hallucinations and me going insane, my stories && my raps.) X'd Out Bitchz-----]]]] 7/12/2012, Ronnie Irez, Coded, got in the shower half naked, sat there crying, digging deep into my skin with the blade oh I pressed it against my skin, watching it bleed, the blood rushing down, brings me to my knees, don't feel no pain, but I'm enjoying it, the blood dripping on the floor, but I don't care, just stand there, watch me bleed, at that moment I jumped and hit the ground, no tears came out, oh hell no, I tried to move but I couldn't, I was stuck, this is just payback for my choices, I tried to get up but I couldn't move a muscle, well this is how I am, visions of killing and fighting and burning down this place, so I got up and climbed out the window, I pulled out my gun, pointing it towards my mouth, thinking of death, suicide, ending it all, Johnny's got me now and I'm just fine, I assaulted 5 cops, and I ran, so faraway I couldn't be found, the world is cruel, it's full of pain, all I think about is numb blank fucked up thoughts, that's all I want to do, all I ever wanted, so I pull out the lighter and my cigarretes I smoked until I fainted, getting faded, and it all turned black , oh I'm so sad, so sad, full of pain, now I feel it, now oh I regret it, bye mom bye dad, see you later, oh no . *Charlotte McMann; 7/12/2012, fire and flames, last week was the day I did it, now I regret it but I did it, I tried to kill my other, I walked into his room and tried to choke em' watch the satisfaction on my face grow, to see him in pain, to see him suffer like I once did, tried to kill em ' all to take em' where daddy is, so we can all be together, and burn this place on fire, and kill every fool in this damn place, yeah I said it, and I'll do it , hell no bitch yo getting in my face, I'll fuck you up before you can blink, have a nice rest while I knock you out, see you in hell, cuz dats where yo ass is going, can't you hear me? can't you hear my voice or are you just ignoring it . yes you tried but you didn't make it, sorry for your loss but it's not my problem, well goodbye have sweet dreams cuz when you'll wake up it will be dark and empty, burning like my soul, like my heart, like the diamonds in your fire , cuz I'm no liar cuz yo just a fake, the cops are chasing me, you'll never catch me, cuz dats just me. Cold and over, shivering outside , the rain is falling down , try to make it through, oh sorry no I can't, I try to walk my way , but there's nowhere to go, my home is so far away, I'm cold and alone, where are you ? I need you, lead me the way I need to go , oh I need to know , where I am, where I need to go , before I lie here and die, my bodies getting old, I'm just laying here like a stone, bodies tense, muscles to hard to move, can't seem to make it any further , come on, come on , your almost there, you may not realize it , but you go to believe, just a few miles away , yes you got to believe, crawl faster, get up , please, I don't wanna see you so broken, I wanna see you try, climb , run , please please your almost there, don't give up now cuz your getting close, your thinking why try harder? but you've got to before you die and get taken away from me, I've already lost enough, I can't stand losing you, leave me like this, shattered inside , cold inside and out, skin scratched and bruised and bleeding, I'm so cold , can you see through me ? if you can please tell me, why me why now why does it have to be this way , why does it have to end like this? *Contance McMann/Erin Ramos; 7/14/2012, see your face, burn down the house, watch it fall, try to stop it but it's no use no more, later that day she burned in a fire, I ran in there, tried to save her, but you know what , she was already dead, the body was turned to ashes, I picked it up trying to bring it back to life , opening eyes like a pleasure, there were red and bloodshot, I had a mental breakdown put it in my trunk, road off the bridge deep into the ocean, we drowned to the bottom, I passed out then I woke up in a hospital bed , body scarred, face burnt, I looked up and there was Constance , I was scared, didn't mean it, I saw your face Constance, please forgive me,it was just a vision, just my mind playing tricks on me , I sorry I was sweating now I got up and slipped and fell when I saw your face, I jumped I was scared oh Erin not now , please not now, I grabbed your body and hid it, JJ killed ya, oh I saw your face , yes i saw your face, it was gone forever. ^.^ *Flyerway && Eddie/Edgar/Chillwax Alejandria; 9/3/2012 My last step, baby it's gonna be okay, don't worry ill be alright, I tried to tell you but you never listened to me I don't care anymore, what you say or what you think, I'm in pain, all over my body, the scars are infected, my life is over, as I inject the last shot of meth, I say goodbye hopeing I would die , die slowly in pain, I light the candles there on fire, I step into the bathtub, water burning, I take my last step in life, I try to cry but it's impossible to me, I'm in so much pain, I can't take it anymore , JJ is after me , trying to kill me, I just want to escape , I'm melting and falling to peices blood all over, ready to die, but then I see you, your face is shocked, you yell and cry, I can't stand to see you hurt, I try to crawl out, but it's to late, body is numb and now all I hear is sirens ringing, your crying, police trying to save my life, I feel so numb, but I don't care, this is the end and now I say, goodbye... *Elizabeth Ramos/Constance McMann/Charlotte McMann/Josephina "Paid2Kill" Hernandez; xxGotNoPleasurexc -"Seeing Me, Elizabeth Ramos , It's Like Reading A Nightmare" (my hallucination alternate life) , by me Sara Berger/Alisa Alvarez- _____Walk into the classroom with your head held high, say hello to everyone inside, my greetings warm and friendly, but when I go outside I remember that I don't have a home, and I feel alone, remember the day I dressed you up for school? The day I cried when I said my goodbye? As you got on that bus and drove away? You don't know what goes on through closed doors, at school everything seems fine , I sit down and do my work quietly and I see all my friends, and act like it's all alright , I'm scared to get in the car , what's gonna happen as soon as I leave my second home? Behind my smile and my hard work and kindness is someone broken and damaged, I can't show it besides behind closed doors. I walk into my house , no parents home, my sister Constance Ramos is inside sitting on the couch, waiting for me to come in with my substances, I pass out the liquor and the cocaine and get high every second of the day, I never had real parents cuz my dad was a physcotic killer and my mom got sent to jail for drugs , aggression , and sexual assault. My dad abused me 24/7 and put a gun to my moms head countless times, and beat her till she bleed and suffocated, he was a serial killer addicted to meth and crack cocaine, and my whole life he beat us to death , tortured us, till we blackout, and cut us up, and abused us to death. Finally he got sent to jail and he killed himself, so I didn't have a dad, no parents, I had to raise myself, my mom was so traumatized that she got Alzheimer's, she was like a 2 year old, she couldn't take care of me and she had physcotic episodes, then the police came cuz she started shooting her shotgun at the wall and all around the house and then at me as she was screaming "I wish you were dead, just like your father, go get raped or killed and kill yourself" she was not in reality she got hijacked and possessed and thought I was her husband and thought I was someone else, she didn't knew who I was, I was like a stranger and so was she, just a blank cold dis activated stranger, she wasn't my mom she was an animal who didn't know reality, and I was like bait to her for her physcotic episodes, then she drowned my head in the tub and burned me and tortured me worse then my dad as she got possessed, she shoved my head against the wall beating me and suffocating to death and stabbing me and torturing me, then she took her shotgun and pointed it towards my head, before she raped me while I was on the toilet and injected drugs into me, the police took her away and I moved to a foster home. The house parents were drug dealers, and they were crude and physcotic, they raped all the children and murdered them, they tortured us like a murderer would but we had to keep it a secret, shhhhhh they said, very quiet, they abused us bad and attempted to kill us, mainly me and this other kid Erin Vanity, we both got brain damaged , our bodies were bloody and scarred , I took Erin in as my little brother and we grew close, but he was low functioning as well, so I had to teach him, one night when we were sleeping I got a call from the neighborhood police department , saying my mom died after she got arrested she jumped out of the car and into the freeway, so I never had parents. I went through 24 foster homes where we were tortured and on drugs, finally me and Erin were on the streets for 2 years doing crazy physcotic illegal shit and killing , and that's where I met this girl named Constance Ramos who was also on the streets, she took us in and we became family , The Ramos Family, we lived together , and then Johnny Garcia came into our lives, he became my master , and me and him and his father Presly got possessed and raised hell (definition for torturing killing and doing physcotic insane and murderous Satanistic shit) he was my master and were physco insane , dysfunctional killers, and we raised hell all day and all night, doing the craziest shit u can think of, and I came home to Constance snorting cocaine and Erin smoking and having a physcotic episode, trashing the house and he was mentally 2 years old. I had no family all my life has been trauma, so I continued to raise hell with Johnny , then he took us to NXSP , a world of controlled programs we went there and raised hell like Satan would have but worse, we became physcotic killers , everybody was, finally I had a home, we were controlled and possessed and our minds were controlled and damaged and we were controlled by our minds and by our programs, I went there to raise hell , I came into the real world and they possessed me and I was out doing crazy physcotic Satanistic shit just as bad as in NXSP, I went insane and my mom was out of it (my mom in the real world) , her little girl was gone I became possessed as Elizabeth Ramos, raising hell and I still had no one so besides being physcotic and living in NXSP and dealing with possessed possessive insane hallucinations and turning me into a possessed physcotic person, i pretended to be fine. I came to school like nothing was wrong, I said my hellos and friendly greetings, but behind closed doors I was raising hell in NXSP, going crazy as Sara and Elizabeth, doing crazy shit in both of my lives. You still don't know what happens behind closed doors, cuz it isn't what it seems, when your seeing me, Elizabeth Ramos .

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