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you-did-well-moon · 5 years ago

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Seventeen reaction to idol! s/o crying during an emotional performance

Type: Fluff/Angst

A/n: I don't know if you guys know just how much I love writing idol au’s. They’re always fun for me to create and imagine. I promise the next reactions will be much fluffier, I really did try to make this reaction as happy as I could. Some songs are in English while others are in Korean, but they all mean a lot to me. I asked people for songs, researched, got some from my own playlist. I totally didn’t cry looking at songs for this reaction. Thanks anon for requesting. Please don’t be afraid to talk to me or to request!!~Moon

TW : mental illness, curse words, insecurities, self-depreciating, mentions of suicide

in this reaction it is assumed the public knows about your relationship

S.Coups

Song: Breathe - Lee Hi

“It’s alright if you run out of breath No one will blame you It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes Because anyone can do so Although comforting by saying it’s alright Are just words”

The song you were singing was made to comfort someone going through a hard time. To tell them it's okay to slow down a bit and be human. You had repeatedly told yourself you wouldn't cry during the performance, but in the end, emotion overwhelmed you. Singing the lyrics of the songs you had always wished there was someone to say those words to you. Now, you were singing them to thousands of people who had stories and scars of hurt and pain that would always follow them no much how fast they ran away.

You were proud to be able to give them comfort, and you embraced the tears with open arms knowing you were just as human as the crowd in front of you crying the same tears alongside you. With the live orchestra behind you, the back round of a star dotted sky, and your mic clutched in your hand, you raised your chin high as you felt the tears traveling down the slope of your nose.

Seungcheol wouldn't even notice he was crying, and he would not notice the cameras filming him. He wouldn't notice the crowd’s “aaw” when his distraught face showed up on the screen. He could only focus on you. Seungcheol’s heart would sink deeper at each tear that dripped off your chin. His knee bounced with the anticipation of running to you and comforting you. When he did get to you, he took one look at your shaky hands paired with shiny eyes, and he rested his forehead against yours kissing your eyelids staying in that position until he was sure you weren't in such a sensitive state as you were on stage.

“You shouldn't cry when i’m so far away. How will I wipe your tears away then?”

Jeonghan

Song: Little Me - Little Mix

“I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful Everything she doesn't see You gotta speak up, you got to shout out And know that right here, right now You can be beautiful, wonderful Anything you want to be Little me”

This stage was a bit different than what your group was used to. You had partners in the form of 14-15 year old girls supposed to represent the younger selves of your group. All the time you had spent with your partner practicing led to the growth of a bond. Rayul had come to open up to you with some of her insecurities, and you had never failed to comfort her. You had grown fond of her. You saw yourself in her too much for you not to grow close to her. Now as you and Rayul moved as one on the stage, and you looked into her trusting eyes, you couldn't help but get emotional.

As you cried, you hoped that no harm would come to your younger friend, but in the world you lived in, that wouldn't happen. It was the same world you grew up in, and you knew the world would to everything it could to break that little girl down. Rayul had a worried look in her eyes, but she kept dancing. At the end of the performance, you made sure to hug her tight apologizing in your head for all the hurt she would have to go through.

As Jeoghan watched you power through the performance with tears tracing lines down the contours of your face, he teared up. He was able to blink them back, but the camera caught his furrowed eyebrows and glinting eyes. Jeonghan was so used to you always being mature and competent that seeing your tears always managed to take him by surprise. Even then, Jeonghan couldn't stop the wobbly smile from slipping out at the fact that you still looked as fierce as ever on stage while crying. After the performance, he found you looking sadly at the mirror, and he back hugged you placing his chin on your shoulder. He would whisper words of praise and soft teasing into the crook of your neck

“You did as amazing as always love. Even crying through half the performance can’t stop your talent.”

Joshua

Song: I - Taeyeon

“But strong girl, you know you were born to fly Tears you’ve cried, all of the pain you’ve felt for the day you’ll fly even higher, It’s to prepare you. Butterfly, Everybody’s gonna see it soon”

You were fully prepared to cry, and you embraced the tears with open arms using them to make the performance more effective and sincere. The story of the song was one of losing and gaining. A story of a butterfly gaining enough courage and breaking free from the cocoon of pain trapping it to finally fly along the liberating expanse of the horizon. Throughout most of the performance you were dressed in oversized dark clothing until the last chorus came, and your backup dancers ripped away the somber clothing to reveal a more colorful outfit.

As the song came to an ending, you reached your hands up to the sky when the backup dancers lifted you up, and you cried tears of happiness. Smiling brightly at the sky, you didn't mind the tears. You felt peaceful. After everything, you were still here. Still alive. Still smiling and laughing, and you weren't alone anymore. All the days on an empty stomach and all the late night dance practices weren't enough to rob you of your dreams. In the end, you were stronger and better. You were gently put down, and you smiled softly at the camera before disappearing backstage.

Joshua would have the fondest look in his eyes. Many fans would be making GIFs of the expression on his face because the moment was too sweet not to share and remember. Josh couldn't stop himself. He was just so proud. When he first met you, you were always cautious and scared of taking risks. As time progressed, trust in both yourself and what you do increased. You had come a long way, and he had been there for it all. He tried not to bring attention to himself, but he thought you deserved the standing ovation. Meeting you backstage he would smile at you as he walked towards you calling your name softly. He shrugged off his jacket wrapping it around your shoulders before tugging at the ends of it to bring you closer to him so he could place a kiss on your forehead. He would probably crack a lame joke. Or two...

“You really should be an actress babe, because you made half the stadium cry. The Oscars don't know what they're missing out on.”

Jun

Song: Home - Machine Gun Kelly X Ambassadors X Bebe Rexha

“Now tell me: how did all my dreams turn to nightmares? How did I lose it when I was right there? Now I'm so far that it feels like it's all gone to pieces Tell me why the world never fights fair I'm trying to find Home A place where I can go To take this off my shoulders Someone take me home Someone take me”

This song was the result of a collaboration with Mark lee and Jackson Wang. You had all been sitting at the studio awkwardly with no ideas for songs until you bought up a common factor between the three of you. All of you were not from Korea with Jackson being from China, Mark being from Canada, and you coming from (country). Your nervous habit of spewing random facts in awkward situations ended up in your little group talking about all the homesickness and nights crying yourselves to sleep after having to say goodbye to your families. Which ultimately ended up in a song. All the memories of missing your families had to be dug up, but you were able to comfort each other through the song. The song ended up being such a hit that you guys were asked to perform it at an awards ceremony.

You were a bit hesitant as first. Even releasing such a personal song was unnerving to you. Now you had to perform it? You had to sit yourself down and think about all the people in that audience who would find comfort in the song missing their homes or maybe still searching for one. You were able to pull through, but you hadn't been told they collected childhood pictures from all of you and were to display them on the back round set up. The song was already an emotional one, so when you turned around to a picture of yourself in your parent’s arms, you chocked up. At the end of the song the three of you met at the center of the stage, and Mark awkwardly pat your shoulder while Jackson put his arm around your shoulder tears also streaming down his face. You held the mic up to your mouth telling your parents you loved them before walking backstage with your arms on the boy’s shoulders and a peaceful smile on your face.

Jun would try hard to keep his tears at bay, but seeing his girlfriend cry while singing a song about trying to find home really did a number on him. Seeing the childhood pictures of you and the guys would make him remember his own infancy, and how much he missed his family and home some days. He tried to hide his tears from the camera by bowing his head, but he wanted to keep watching your performance. Jun never liked seeing you cry, but in that moment he understood just how much he really cared for you and how serious your relationship was. This was no normal “fling”. Seeing you backstage he would chuckle awkwardly wiping your tears away and trying to lighten up your mood.

“You send me a meme of myself crying to your song, and I won’t talk to you for three weeks. You just had to go and make an emotional song didn't you?”

Hoshi

Song: Black - Lee Hyori

“I dyed my hair to deny myself The red lipstick hid my pursed lips The thing that shook behind The colored lens It was me who didn’t want to be me”

Of course you knew what you were signing up when you decided to be an idol, but even all the years of training weren't enough to prepare you for the emotional toll it would have on you. Having to constantly put up a façade and be someone you’re not had led you astray and wandering down a path of identity confusion. You had come to rely too heavily on the dye, the contacts, the makeup, and the stage outfits. Sitting down to write this song, you were horrified at how you had been so eager to throw yourself away to appease someone who you had never met. How heavily you denied yourself in favor of “earning” the love of the industry. Someone can only take seeing a stranger in the mirror so many times.

You had sat down with your company talking about the idea for the song, and surprisingly, they agreed. Now standing on stage with millions of eyes on you, you felt free. You felt confident, like a weight had been taken off your shoulders. Your natural hair color flew along with you as you danced. Your eyes were your normal color, and the makeup on your face was natural. The stylists had even let you choose your own stage outfit. You knew the fans accepted you for the your idol self, but would they accept you for who the real you? For the first time in years, you didn't feel like a stranger to your own body and mind. That thought was what bought you over the edge, and soon, there were tears streaking down your face.

Soonyoung would try being funny at first. When the camera came near him, he would solemnly shake his head pretending to wipe a tear away. But as your performance progressed and you started crying, his previous actions would come back to slap him in the face. Not only did he feel bad for joking around at your emotional stage, but he was now sobbing into Dokyeom’s shoulder. He was proud. You were finally putting your foot down after years of ignoring who you were under all the makeup and hair dye. After all the times he had told you the real you was just as important as who people want you to be, he was glad you had finally come to see the truth in his words. He saw you backstage looking into a mirror with worry etched all over your face. Wrapping his arms around your waist he would rest his forehead in the space between your shoulder blades trying to comfort you.

“You were absolutely perfect love. There’s no way they won’t accept you, and even if they don't what matters more is that you accept yourself”

Wonwoo

Song: Disappear - Eli

“I've been feeling low, so low now Tryna do my best, don't know how Holding on to hope for life now But I become consumed with doubt, yeah Carrying the burdens of the world up on my shoulders Looking for the answers Maybe I'll know once I'm older”

You didn't make it to the first chorus before you broke down. You could hear you voice wavering from the mic, and you had to spend energy in stabilizing it as you danced the choreography. Tired was not enough to explain the overwhelming need to lie down and cry it out. Instead of waiting until you were backstage, you decided to let it all out as you performed. You were proud of being able to make music and make others happy, but you had forgotten how to make yourself happy. It seemed easier to disappear. If you disappeared there would be no expectations. No vile comments. No labels. No deadlines. You could be free of the burden of having to constantly seek out other’s validation. You remembered once being a hopeful girl with dreams bigger than people’s expectations.

Now you were always shackled by doubts, and you felt weak for giving in to them. You tried your best to stand up against the voices of doubt and insecurity plaguing your mind, but instead you ended up feeding into them. You had sat yourself down multiple times asking yourself just when you held yourself to a lower standard than the voices in your head, but each time it ended in you hating yourself just a bit more. You were in a constant war with the negative thoughts circling around in your head, and you were tired of the never ending battle. As the song came to an end you let your knees give out falling to the floor as you backup dancers hid you from view of the camera, and you let out a sob that rang around the stadium.

The whole time as you performed, Wonwoo remained stone-faced. He was leaning forward elbows on his knees, and his hands grasped tightly together in front of his mouth. Although his hands did a good job of hiding his trembling lips, the camera still caught his clasped hands shaking and the turmoil swirling around in his dark eyes. Wonwoo was there with you through your good days and your bad days. He had seen you hit rock bottom, but even with his heart shattering at each crack of your voice, he believed you were making progress. He believed you would be able to stand back up again, and he would be there for that too. When he heard your sob, he closed his eyes and winced as if it physically hurt him. Seeing you after the performance, he wouldn't say anything. He would tuck your face into his neck stroking your hair with sweet words whispered into the crown of your head.

“Just let it all out love, its alright. Don't worry about my shirt. You matter more than a piece of fabric, just let it all out. You were so brave”

Woozi

Song: Home Is Far Away - Epik High ft. Oh Hyuck

“I get more and more scared I'm running but my feet and heart forget why Dreams just become baggage now My only hope is to just leave it behind and run Rushing myself to take just one more step But when I looked up, I’m right in front of a cliff I look back and all these expectations are lined up behind me It pretends to support me but it’s pushing my back I wanted to place a comma in my heart some time”

You weren't used to doing this kind of performance. Especially at an award show. It was one of the simplest stages you've ever done. It was just you with a mic on a stage. No choreography, no props, and not even a mic stand. You supposed it made sense. You were not here to entertain. You were here to tell a story. It was not a story of finding home. It was the story of getting lost and straying away to wander a vile and cruel word. A story of not being able to find a way back and instead having to grow in a monstrous society. As you walked towards the center of the stage you straightened you gray bomber jacket paired with a white turtle neck, and you tugged at your black beanie touching the hollow of your neck to gain reassurance from your mother’s necklace.

You made sure your clothes were as simple as possible. You wanted to appear as normal as possible. As human as possible. Staring out into the crowd, you cleared your throat and bought the mic up to your lips starting the song. You started strong, and you remained strong. Until you started one of the final verses. You were still lost. It felt like it had been so long since you left the safety of your comfort zone. You missed the person you used to be. You missed knowing who you were. You missed many things you would not know the comfort of for a long time. It started with you getting choked up. Then your vision blurred, tears hugging the corner of your eyes, and they slid down your cheek past your trembling lips to your jaw.

Jihoon had to bow his head every now and then to stop himself from getting too emotional. He would unconsciously nod his head at your lyrics relating to them. He teared up, but he wouldn't cry. His eyes would have a noticeable somber shine. He had actually been there when you were first producing the song, and he was also there when you were adding the final touches to it. He remembers with a heavy heart having to calm you down when you started worrying about whether the song was too personal and real or not. You worried you would get backlash for trying to be too personal with your fans, and he told you to stop thinking that way even helping you improve the song. Seeing you backstage, he wouldn't say much. He would stay by your side with your hand in his, and you leaning into him.

“It’s okay to cry y/n. You worked hard, and you did amazingly well”

Song: Scars To Your Beautiful - Alessia Cara

“She has dreams to be an envy, so she's starving You know, covergirls eat nothing She says "beauty is pain and there's beauty in everything" "What's a little bit of hunger?" "I can go a little while longer," she fades away She don't see her perfect, she don't understand she's worth it Or that beauty goes deeper than the surface, oh, oh So to all the girls that's hurting, let me be your mirror Help you see a little bit clearer the light that shines within“

Although this performance was riddled with a deeper meaning, your outfit was still fun and colorful. With a white crop top, some ripped shorts, and some boots that went up to your knees. The most important, and difficult, part of your outfit was the pink blindfold that covered your eyes. You had to practice for weeks, and even then, some of the younger girls that would be dancing with you would help guide you across the stage when they needed to. Everything had been going fine and smoothly until the bridge of the song came on and a choir of young boys and girls sang along with you. You started tearing up, but no one could see it because of the blindfold. The song started to come to an end, and the girls led you to the center of the stage where they had set up a mirror.

You took away the blindfold smiling brightly at yourself in the mirror. That's when the tears started slipping out no matter how much you blinked to hold them back because for once in your life, you didn't feel any repulsion at yourself looking at your reflection. You had dealt with the insecurities of almost every young girl your whole life. As if the numbers on the scale defined you, you came to starve yourself and pinch at the fat that seemingly clung to your body. It wasn't until you were an adult that you really started to come to terms with your body liking it just how it was. Smiling fondly at your reflection you bowed to the audience before walking off the stage.

Seokmin couldn't help the small smile that tugged at his lips at the sight of your performing. He would have a tender look etched on his face. Seokmin couldn't help but get a bit worried at you not being able to see as you danced, but a small part of him would feel prideful. Seeing your tears at the end of your performance even if you were smiling would be enough for a tear or two to slip out, but much like you, he was still smiling brightly. Being someone who was also riddled with insecurities his smile would falter a bit, but he also felt a sense of appreciation for you for having spoken about an issue many people struggled with. Seeing you after your performance, he would immediately take you into his arms joking around and laughing when you accidentally tripped on his foot almost sending both of you crashing to your ground.

“I can't believe- how did you trip with clear vision, but you didn't trip on stage with that blindfold on huh?? Are you living in some kind up reverse world- Yah!! Don't walk away from me young lady”

Mingyu

Song: Human - Zico

“I keep lowering my head these days When did I last look up to the sky? The blurred world is filled with dust Because people like me struggled, yeah We always say, later, for the later Without my skipped birthdays I’m still in my teens As I grow old, I'm afraid of imagination A slide starts to look like a hill”

It was safe to say you were mad. Fuming. Enraged. Or as other people would call it, “acting problematic”. You were angry and tired of people constantly thinking they could define you, or that they had any say on how you should live your life. There was always something wrong with you, and you were exhausted of always having to change yourself for other’s standards on what they thought was best for you. You found yourself living a life you came to hate because other people were always telling you who should be. You came to forget the person you wanted to be. You always kept your mouth shut and your head lowered staying quiet when people tried defining who you were, but you had enough of it.

You firmly told yourself things would get better if you just put up with it, but they never did. You put your foot down. You just wanted your life back. Now you had been invited to perform the song at an award show, and although the song was set in a melancholy song, you found yourself feeling absolutely livid. Your hands were trapped in shackles and throughout the whole performance your eyebrows were furrowed, and your face held a bitter expression. When you cried, they weren't tears of sadness. They were tears of frustration. At the end of the song you shook your shackled wrists and broke the shackles glaring at the camera before walking off the stage.

Mingyu’s lips would tug upwards when he first saw you on stage, but he would immediately purse his lips when he realized what song you were performing. He knew how much the song meant to you, especially when he had seen how much you had lost yourself in the battle between who others wanted you to be and who you wanted to be. He knew how much you had doubted yourself, and he had always tried to cheer you up, but he knew you could never be happy until you started focusing on what you wanted for yourself. Ever since you had written the song, confidence in yourself had surged and the foundation of faith in yourself and what you could do was stronger than ever. Mingyu had even given you the nickname “firecracker”. Seeing your tears and your cold eyes he would feel like his air supply was cut off because you were upset, and he wasn't there to help you. Seeing you backstage and would grasp both your hands in his and sincerely look into your eyes trying to comfort you.

“You’re free now firecracker, they can't control you anymore because you won’t let them. You've come so far, and I couldn't be prouder angel.

The8

Song: Broken - Anson Seabra

“Am I broken? Am I flawed? Do I deserve a shred of worth or am I just another fake, fucked up lost cause? And am I human? Or am I something else? 'Cause I'm so scared and there's no one there To save me from the nightmare that I call myself”

You were horrified. Your fans and Minghao knew you would be releasing a new song. They just thought it would be one of your usual songs. A happy and bubbly song with an energetic choreo. This song was far from happy, and it would be released at the same time you were performing it, so people could be surprised instead of already knowing what to expect. This would be a water performance too, and the choreography was the first contemporary dance you would do for one of your title tracks. The dance was more anguished and solemn than any of your other choreographies. The whole reason you were turning a new leaf was because you hadn't been feeling like yourself lately. When you were once so sure of yourself, you had begun questioning yourself.

You felt numb. Some days you couldn't feel anything. Not the warmth of happiness in your chest. No sadness to burden your heart. No anger to cloud your mind. It was always just empty. You began to feel like someone less than human because with an empty heart and soul, what were you? You were also nervous because with how hectic your schedules had been, you didn't have a chance to tell Minghao you weren't feeling mentally well, and you knew he wouldn't be too happy finding out like this. As the performance ended, you fell to your knees grasping at your neck and breathing raggedly. You couldn't help but cry feeling helpless and acting like you were drowning before letting your body fall into the water. The stadium went dark giving you a chance to run backstage.

Minghao would shift in his seat slightly leaning forward when he noticed you were performing. His features softened slightly at first glance, but his eyebrows would furrow and his eyes would narrow when he noticed this song was vastly different than any of your previous works. He would realize the sad situation you were in that he was seemingly was too busy to take notice of. The cameras would catch the corners of his lips curled down and the shaking of his head. Although he looked pissed off on the outside, he was panicking on the inside. When he saw the tears making their way down your face and your body fall, the only thing he could think of was being there to catch you. He wouldn't hesitate to make his way backstage immediately after the lights he went out. Upon seeing you he could bring your face into the crook of his neck lowly murmuring comforting words into your ear.

“No matter how many times you fall, I'll catch you. No matter how many times you cry, I'll cry with you. No matter how many times you laugh, I'll laugh with you. I will always have your back, just let me in.”

Seungkwan

Song: She’s In The Rain - The Rose

“She’s in the rain You wanna hurt yourself I’ll stay with you You wanna make yourself go through the pain It’s better to be held than holding on No whoa“

The stage was a bit uncomfortable, but you were willing to sacrifice a bit of your comfort if it meant performing a song many needed to hear. Before going on stage, the stylists had soaked your stage outfit in water to make it look like you had been the victim of a harsh downpour making the clothes stick to your skin. They has also made your hair look like it was wet, and your makeup was a bit smudged around the edges of your eyes. You had fun with the choreography since it included an umbrella, but you were more focused on singing the song hoping you could deliver the message of the song clearly and efficiently. The making of the song was centered around making people understand it was okay to rely and confide on others. You knew how tiring it was to go through bad days without anyone to hold your hand through it.

You believed you would come out of it stronger if you handled your demons alone, but at the end of the day it left you exhausted. You had been one of those people once. Then you met Seungkwan, and he managed to worm his loud jokester self into your heart. When he witnessed you having a break down, you fought him when he tried hugging you, but you eventually let yourself get comforted by him. It started with Seungkwan, and eventually you were letting yourself lean on people when it got particularly hard. As the song came to an end, you clutched your umbrella knowing people in that crowd were struggling. You cried unapologetically hoping they would find someone reliable to fall back on, before you covered your face with the umbrella and walking off the stage sniffling and trying to control your tears.

Seungkwan already knew what song you would be performing, and while getting his hair done, he had repeatedly told himself he wouldn't cry. All the members had rolled their eyes because everyone knew he would be bawling by the end of the night. Indeed, the minute he saw any form of sadness on your face, he himself burst into tears. He was quick to wipe them, but more always replaced them. Seungkwan really did try controlling himself, but as he thought of how much you had grown and how you were encouraging people to do the same, he couldn't handle the emotions now crashing over him like a tidal wave. Seeing you after the performance, he would whine and playfully fight with you while cradling your face.

“You know my ugly crying isn't something anyone should see. Why would you make me that emotional. I can't believe I just cried in front of thousands of people- are you laughing at me right now?!”

Vernon

Song: You Don't Know What It’s like - Katelyn Tarver

“Let me just stop trying Let me just stop fighting I don't want your good advice Or reasons why I'm alright You don't know what it's like You don't know what it's like Don't look at me like that Just like you understand Don't try to pull me back”

At first you had strongly opposed the stylists wanting you to go on stage practically bare faced. If you went on that stage with little to no makeup, people would be able to see how much color your face had lost and the dark bags currently residing under your eyes. Sitting in front of the mirror, you jokingly thought you looked like a zombie. Thinking about it more seriously, you realized just how miserable you looked. You eventually ended up agreeing with the stylists, because you had a message to give. You were so tired of people telling you it was just a phase whenever you were upset. Sometimes you wanted to be not okay, and you wanted to let it all out so could return to your usual self eventually.

People always seemed to catch you at your worst moments, and they always wanted to sit you down and force you out of your upset stage. Telling you all the reasons you had to smile while the reasons you had to cry chaotically bumped around in your head. Why couldn't they just be there for you as you calmed yourself down? Why were they so hell bent on giving you advice that flew in one ear and out the other? Those questions rang around your head making tears spring out of your eyes. You walked off the stage with your head bent, and your hand grasped to your mouth as if trying to control the sobs echoing around in your chest.

Hansol already knew what song you were performing, but he couldn't have known how exactly you were going to execute the stage. When he saw you appear with no makeup, his eyes would widen a bit. The glumness on your face would be clearly visible. The cameras caught him visibly deflate as he took in your solemn and exhausted appearance. When he caught sight of your tears his lips would part a bit, and he looked shock because “oh my god, my s/o is crying, and I can't do anything about it right now”. Then his eyebrows furrowed and his expression would change from shocked to melancholy. He would walk briskly backstage to your waiting room seeing you sitting in a cough with your head in your hands. Sitting beside you silently, he would rest a hand on your knee and lean his head on your shoulder trying to comfort you as much as he could.

“I’m here love, no matter what, I’m here. Just hold my hand for now, tomorrow will be a better and brighter day. I’ll make sure of it.”

Dino

Song: The Day Before - Nell

“At first, I hated you a lot. I cried a lot too But after being like that for a while I wondered what in the world I was doing

Actually, it’s like this. What use is it to hold onto something that is scattering? Only the heart will hurt more But again I wonder, what is The purpose of living like this?”

You wanted to hate them so badly. When you first heard of the news, it was anger that came before sadness and grief. Anger because after all the promises and late nights talking, they left you. They left this life and with that they left you. You didn't think it was fair. You got to live and wake up every day, and they didn't. No one had ever known you had a brother, and they probably never will. After spending all your days crying and lamenting what could have been, you had to step back and take a good look at yourself because you knew no matter how many times you cried or screamed angry words at his picture, it wouldn't bring him back.

You realized the more you tried to hold on to someone that wasn't here anymore, the more pain you put yourself though. You had to accept his departure, and you just had to hope he was happy wherever he was. You didn't want to live a life where you spent all your time wasting time and energy in something that would only tear you down in the long run. Standing on stage you let slip a small smile as you saw a sea of many light sticks waving to the melody of your song. With the song coming to an end, you imagined his smiling face deciding it would be the last time you cried for him. When you did cry, it felt like a weight had been taken from your shoulders.

Chan would hear what song you were performing, and his heart would claw up to his throat. He was sitting right next to you while you were writing the song with angry tears as you stared ruefully at the computer screen. Watching you cry almost every day, he knew you would eventually get better, but back then, watching you struggle to keep your tears at bay on a daily basis was one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do. He was tense the whole performance worried you wouldn't be able to handle singing the song. Then he saw you let out a little smile as the song ended. You had never once smiled while crying for him. He knew, that you had let him go. Now that you were at peace, so was Chan. Meeting you backstage, he was a bit hesitant, but seeing you smile brightly at him, and he would smile right back hugging you tightly.

“You've cried enough the last few days for a lifetime don't you think so babe? Let’s go eat, food cheers everyone up”

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