#jeez last time i was on here was september 21

[zarastars]

I’M ALIVE AGAIN !! HAPPY STRANGER THINGS DAY ❤️❤️❤️

[thecynicalartist]

Ayy, so I got tagged by @salayy to do this thing, thank you!

Rules answer 30 questions and tag people (20 people in the original rules is...excessive)

Okay, so I actually started this yesterday but I needed to check something so I tried to save this to my drafts and it deleted half of what I had already written so I rage quit.

1. Name: Sven

2. Gender: Male

3. Star sign: Gemini

4. Height: 5'2" (we all know I'm a short goblin boy)

5. Time: 5.09am (I have insomnia, I don't want to be exposed like this lmao)

6. Birthday: 1st June

7. Favourite band: ABBA

8. Favourite solo artist: David Bowie or Phum Viphurit

9. Last movie: Labyrinth

10. Last show: Bondi Rescue (listen, when my flatmate and I don't know what to watch we stick on Bondi Rescue cause there's like a billion episodes, it's all on youtube and we really like Australian accents)

11. When did I create this blog: September 2013

12. What I post: I suppose the thing I post most consistently about currently is Thai dramas? But other than that it's whatever I feel like reblogging

13. Last thing I googled: fantasy name generator (I need to make a backup D&D character lmao)

14. Other blogs: none that I use anymore

15. Do I get asks: nope lmao

16. Why I chose my url: it's a Les Misérables reference that ended up sticking

17. Following: 229

18. Followers: 744

19. Average hours of sleep: probably 4-6 hours

20. Instruments: I used to play bass guitar but I haven't played in years (I do still have my guitar in hopes that I might pick it up again lmao)

21. What I'm wearing: white hoodie and boxers (I'm in bed, ask me to dinner first next time, jeez)

22. Dream job: so this is interesting because I literally had no direction in life until like half way through last year. I felt super defeated and had no aspirations but I had an epiphany and decided that I want to teach languages so I can travel and see the world.

23. Dream trip: as insinuated above, there are many places I'd love to visit but a dream place? First places that come to mind are Japan or Thailand.

24. Favourite food: there are so many good foods out there why would you make me choose omg. I mean, I would kill for proper Japanese ramen at the moment, I suppose?

25. Nationality: I am Russian through and through but I live in Scotland (I always get asked which one of my parents is Scottish and which one is Russian but I am a first generation immigrant)

26. Favourite song: Starman by David Bowie

27. Last book I read: does The Adventure Zone graphic novel count?

28. Fictional universe I want to live in 1: Moominvalley lmao (seems nice and soft)

29. Fictional universe I want to live in 2: the version of Japan that is in My Neighbour Totoro because everything seems so nice and nothing awful happens, also I get to cuddle a giant forest spirit

30. Fictional universe I want to live in 3: Howl's Moving Castle (Ghibli version, post war), I feel like no explanation is needed here lmao

I will tag @cultivated-man @littlemisssweetdreams @wolfie170 @ohwait-shesinspace and of course if anyone else wants to do this, feel free to!

[fisherfurbearer]

I would absolutely live to hear about Future Plans and heritage fruits! My partners and I are looking at buying a house by the end of the year and I'm so excited at the prospect of a back yard to fill with food plants and gardening and everything! So I'd love to know more about someone else's plans!!

mmMMMMMMMMMMMMMM YOU OPENED THE CAN OF WORMS THE WORMS ARE OPEN THEY ARE EVERYWHERE NOW!!!! OHHHHHHH JEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING CAN STOP THIS!!!!

MMMMMM. I LOVE. DOMESTIC CROPS AND ANIMALS. SO MUCH.

SPECIFICALLY “heritage” varieties. The pre-industrial/commercial varieties that people lived on for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years, or even the stuff younger than that, it’s just...so!! Good!!!

You didn’t QUITE ask for this but this is where I’m going with it. I LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. The HISTORY of our domesticated crops (specifically fruits and vegetables, but mostly Tree Fruits!!!! But I’m also suuuuper partial to heirloom sweet potatoes/normal potatoes even though I don’t like the taste of sweet potatoes, they’re just SO FRICKING COOL and I want to learn more about other vegetables too) and animals is just....HOOOOO!!!!

Locally adapted,, perfect little....NUGGETS that just...perfectly fit their own SPECIFIC LITTLE NICHES...no matter WHERE you live, no matter HOW much space you have, no matter HOW good or bad your soil, NO MATTER WHAT, there is ALWAYS something to grow or raise, and we can thank so, so much of that to the incredible variety of heritage crops/animals (and methods of agriculture) out there. Mild, cold, hot! Lots of space, little space, no space!! Fertile, barren!! Every condition in every color and shape and flavor and size and ahhhhhhh!!!!! AHHHH!!!!

Hold onto your butts because this is one Hell of a Mega Ramble okay, there is so much to talk about here, oh man.

Some background, which you can skip if you want...!!! It’s a LOT and it get’s VERY NEGATIVE but also VERY GOOD AND HOPEFUL, it’s a real big story and it’s My Story and gives a lot of insight into Why I’m Like This but it’s okay to skip for sure!! Anyway:

I’ve been researching (i.e. writing literally 1.5-2k+ words nearly every single day) for literally 7 years now about all of my various Passions and Plans in life. Obviously breaks were taken due to Sad Times but no matter what I did, no matter what happened, I’d always come back to my dumb awful stupid notes. I have notes on my current laptop, my old harddrive, my SO’s laptop, my stepdad’s laptop, my SO’s OLD gaming laptop, my old netbook, my OLD OLD netbook, every phone I’ve had in the past 7 years (which has been like uhh...five? I have bad luck with phones..) and COUNTLESS pieces of paper and cheap composition books.

To call it research, it seems to silly. Writing these words here, to you strangers on the internet, I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU how VITAL these notes are to my VERY EXISTANCE.

I have been researching and writing and talking to folks and asking questions and LIVING AND BREATHING this stuff for LITERALLY, LITERALLY HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS if not ALMOST A THOUSAND OR MORE HOURS at this point!!!! If we were to actually SOMEHOW backtrack all the way to late 8th grade/freshman year when I first started dipping my toes into reptiles and fell in love with my first jumping spider that landed on my arm after I read Darren Shan’s Cirque Du Freak, after being so fascinated by the intelligent giant magic tarantula in the first book, and gathered ALL of my notes from then to NOW (I’m 21 now, if I was in college, I’d be graduating next May) it would EASILY surpass that. For YEARS in high school my family thought I was always playing games on my laptop, but really from the moment I got home to the moment I went to bed, I was watching lets plays with one side of the screen and reading, reading, reading, and writing, writing, writing with the other. For HOURS. Every. Single. Day.

Hell, this has been my most recent “Renaissance” of writing, after The Big Realization of earlier this year (I’ll get to that), and this is AFTER I went on a horrible depressed/manic rampage and deleted like 80% of my notes (that would have been from...hmm. This is what I didn’t delete, what Jessie recovered, and what I’ve added...so March to Early September, when Jessie switched my notes to a new program (I lost a lot of notes from lack of autosaving so now they’re on our nextcloud so I can’t lose them...but I’m too stubborn to use it still) and this is still like. A lot.

Keep in mind the average 10-11 kb file is 1500-1700 words for me. My biggest files (only of the ones I still have, on this laptop) are 40-60 kb. (Also these are Big Secrets that I don’t ever show anyone but Jessie, who I’ve been with now for almost 7 years, so this is pretty dang important to me and a big thing to be revealing.)

Current folder I’m usually saving to:

Nextcloud I don’t bother to use usually but probably should use:

Again, this is ONLY on my newest laptop, and this DOESN’T include the files I deleted a few months ago, nor the files I lost from February-early April after Jessie updated my computer and wiped my files, and I still have a BUTTLOAD left on my old harddrive from last year, but we never moved it up and I don’t feel a need to. (I’ve learned so much. So. Much. In the past year. I think I’ve matured a lot and really become more...Me. But I’ll get to that.)

Also doesn’t include the SEVERAL notebooks I’ve filled front to back this year (cheap $0.50 ones from work...I’ve blown through a couple biggish ones and I think 2-3 little quarter-size memo books) and all the receipt papers I have crammed into my work uniform...

But anyway why is this important? It really helps iron in just how HUGE this is to me. My future “Plans” aren’t just...it’s really important to me. Okay? I am but a humble stranger on the internet and my life and everyone elses’ respective lives are infinitely more complex than we can ever dare imagine one anothers’ existences to be, but just trust me when I say that I’m not pulling this from nowhere, this shit isn’t some sort of “fad” to me, this has been a long, long series of events and realizations and heartbreaks and so, so much pain that have finally led to everything kinda falling into place sometime this year where it hit me.

You see...all of my research topics followed a pattern. It went, in my rough memory, something like this.

It started with reptiles. Lots of reptiles. So many reptiles. I was so naive and young then and my sources sucked and I was very much a novice who dreamed of owning all sorts of cool reptiles when I got older, and of getting a gecko when I went to college. That was how it started and it went downhill from there. I branched off into gardening (I wanted and still want a blue tongue skink and had thoughts about how I’d grow a garden for vegetables and squashes and stuff for the skink and feeder insects) and THAT grew into this whole THING about raised bed gardening, square foot gardening, then into permaculture, which planted the seed for many things to come...and now I’ve ALWAYS LOVED BIRDS,, but when I learned that keeping CHICKENS was a thing (thank you Jennifer (Nambroth)!!!!!!!!!! Our emails back and forth are still saved forever, our talks about chickens changed my life and way of thinking Forever!!!) and I researched that, then I’d jump back to reptiles again, and back to chickens, then more reptiles, then chickens and QUAIL, or OTHER poultry,, and so on and so on. This beautiful fluid branching path that would always rebound on itself and I’d drop some topics, gain new ones, revisit old ones, learn what I liked, what I didn’t like, what were brief interests, and what were there to stay.

Some topics (chickens, new caledonian geckos, antaresia pythons, tarantulas, gardening...) would always come back. No matter what I did...they came back. As I grew as a person, I started to figure out what was important to me (CONSERVATION, animal welfare, reptile/invertebrate enrichment, vivarium design, combining art with animals, and did I mention CONSERVATION? and combating climate change/The World but that came later.) and while some of those points didn’t show up in my research until later...like my obsession with native wildlife/plants and domestic species...it never went away.

And as I grew older, outside of my research life went on, and I really went through A Lot in these seven years. Undiagnosed anxiety/depression all through high school, practically living in the guidance office junior/senior year, dealing with an emotionally abusive and animal abuser teacher for many years, living with my emotionally abusive/narcissistic mother, and eventually going to an amazing art college and having both the best and worst time of my life (Hahah!! Almost straight As and skipped a writing class with my amazing scores and was top of my class, Dean’s list first semester, in the Visionary Women’s Honors society, worked in the admissions office and did lots of cool things, but hahaha also really wanted to die and was Destroying Myself) and trying to get help while keeping it a secret from my mom...lo and behold of course she eventually found out about the Depression when I had to go inpatient near the end of my second semester, and she. HA, I can’t even cry about this anymore. She literally disowned me (took all my money, sold my car, cut me off of health insurance, made me pay my own hospital bills, refused to do my FAFSA for college anymore, dropped all support, and later when I had to come home because I relapsed again and the college made me go on a medical leave of absense, she threatened to kick me out and call the police [hilariously enough though the house was owned by my stepdad, not her, so she couldn’t do anything. Also I never did anything to her and she was just crazy and made up excuses. But yeah not fun trying to walk to work and being threatened over the phone that she was going to have me dragged out of work by the cops and not to come home, hahaha!!!!!! But then also when I did live with my neighbor for a few days she was apparently so distraught?? Haha what a weird person!!!! I haven’t seen her for three years now and it’s been the best thing that ever happened to me. Don’t mourn for me, it’s SO Much better now. Speaking of, she was a PETA-hugging ARA nutjob and if she knew what I was planning on doing she would’ve disowned me either way!!!!!!), and of course fighting to be able to move out and rent an apartment with my SO (I hate the word boyfriend. It’s been 7 years come January 11th, and we’ve been through so fucking much. And she [my mom...] and other people always made fun of him being my BOYFRIEND that that word is tainted for me...so Significant Other it is) and then being forced to live alone there for a couple months,, and then even after that, the fights with his family, the car accident in November, my mom ruining all chances of me going to college (keep in mind I had after leaving college, spent the next TWO AND A HALF FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE trying to make it so I COULD go back, spent all of my time, energy, hope, eVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING trying to do so,,, and she manipulated me and then lied to me and made it so I couldn’t), my rebounding depression, my Intensifying Aggression (terrifying. Developed when I was in college...I guess it’s some kind of rapid bipolar disorder, maybe triggered by me going on antidepressants in college, they said. But it was so long ago and they never knew the full story for a proper diagnosis anyway. But it’s gotten manageable and We’re Coping), the housefire on Christmas, moving Once Again to the new place and being told I can’t bring my 15 year old cat (he’s with my stepdad still now but it’s not okay.), the rats have to be in the basement, and oh yeah if you want to attend college again loans will be nearly 13% interest hahaha!!! and then finally just straight up breaking down in February and not leaving bed for DAYS and nearly committing suicide, just the real worst time ever, and my former therapist/psychiatrist place weren’t responding (turns out they discharged me!! haha kinda hard to make appointments WHEN YOU DON’T PICK UP THE PHONE and we DIDN’T GET THE NOTICE IN THE MAIL because our HOUSE WAS CONDEMNED and my mail was being sent to my STEPDADS an hour away!!!!!!!! Also really hard to talk to you when you BLOCK OUR FUCKING NUMBER and HANG UP ever time we fucking call haha!!!!!! Literally on the verge of suicide and not on my anxiety meds for MONTHS but hey sure that works too guys!!!!) which really didn’t help, and yeah it was really just the pits! Just the absolute pits, the Very Worst.

Now at this point I don’t remember exactly when/what changed, but SOMETHING did.

Leading up to February, I wanna say it was about October that I started getting kinda weirdly depressed, and I started REALLY tanking after the fire. After the fire, I had to move back to my stepdads within the night, and had to live without Jessie again and commute really far and keep the tarantulas a secret and in general be very alone and very sad. I started wearing down and it was getting so hard to just...enjoy. Anything. Even just taking care of the pets became difficult, and doing art or researching was impossible. I just...didn’t care anymore. I stopped caring.

On top of that, my climate grief and general feelings of Despair were at an all time high, and I just didn’t. Fucking. CARE. What happened next.

I spent YEARS of my life WEARING MYSELF TO THE BONE trying to get into college, the get back into college, to just try to do this thing that I was supposed to do, my ONE hope of having a career and a future that I probably wouldn’t even be happy with (I was an illustration major. I liked drawing. It’s what I was best at. But looking back, I wouldn’t have been happy doing it for a living. And Moore [no that’s not what my blog is named for, it just also happens to be my last name] was a great college but it just...wasn’t worth $30k a year with no cosigner for loans, even AFTER my scholarships) and my body and mind were wearing down and no matter what I did I didn’t care about myself, my animals, my partner, my life, nothing. I can’t explain how terrifying that is. Of all the time in my life, I think this was the worst. On top of my life problems, it must be said again that my climate grief and Misery regarding the state of our country and the world was also at an all-time-high, and I just felt...POWERLESS. Powerless and empty and uncaring and dead inside. I really wanted to just...drive off a bridge or eat a ton of pills (which I did do a couple times, don’t do that. Please. It’s NOT worth it.) and just stop Existing.

But then something just...changed.

I don’t know what it was, exactly. But I got SOMETHING back. SOMETHING “clicked”.

I’m crying a bit now. It’s so stupid to say, but I truly believe this is what saved my life. Realizing my purpose in life. That everything fell into place and finally made sense.

I’m going to be a bit more concise here but...basically...many of my passions and smaller aspects of myself all fell into place, so PERFECTLY.

It hit me that...ah jeez.

I will digress one more second. For those of you who don’t know, I have two Eurydactylodes geckos, named Vladimir (E. vieiliardi) and Estragon (E. agricolae). They are named for my favorite drama that we read in AP English, Waiting for Godot. It’s an aburdist theater play about two men who wait under a tree for someone (we don’t know who, just that his name is Godot) and that’s about it. Everyone had a lot of different things to say about that weird little book, but my take on it was that it’s supposed to be what happens to two men when they lack a “purpose” in life. Existentialism, and all that. They sit there and sit there and completely lose themselves just WAITING for this guy that they don’t even remember, they don’t even know why they’re there, and they do nothing to try and change that. The difference between existentialism and absurdism, however, is that absurdism specifically discusses this idea of a Chaotic Universe, this Lack of Meaning, this pointless quest of humanity to seek value and meaning in a universe without reason. It’s a fruitless effort, it’s Absurd! But the beauty of absurdism, this tiny idea that stayed with me in the goofy names of my geckos (I chose the names because I thought the play was amusing and I loved the characters’ relationship, which is Quite Gay and so Loving and Charming it warms my heart, and I loved that they called each other “Didi” and “Gogo”) and really held true to my own life. I DO NOT believe that THIS is why this change happened for me, but it’s ironic, no?

Back to Absurdism, Absurdism says... “here is this meaningless, Chaotic, RIDICULOUS universe. There is NO reason for ANYTHING, there NEVER will be, you DO NOT MATTER, you DO NOT HAVE A PLACE HERE. There is NO POINT to anything. So fuck it, and try to find one anyway.”

My original therapist did not understand why I found this so wonderful and inspiring. It’s so rebellious and selfish, I LOVE IT. To embrace the Absurd is to take the bull by the horns and flip it upside down! It’s to stare all of this dreadful pointlessness in the Void, and when it says “Why bother? Why care about these insignificant invertebrates? These ridiculous reptiles? These ABSURD apples???” and flip the bird both hands and say “BECAUSE I WANT TO, BECAUSE I SAID SO, BECAUSE I AM HUMAN, AND I CAN!!!” It’s...also more than that, it’s this long, defiant lifelong journey, this stupid, ridiculous journey of fumbling about trying to find one’s place in a cruel, vast world, and finding oneself in that journey.

I love people. I love the ABSURDITY of humanity, of people, of myself, of others. A Huge part of my Future Plans has to do with People, and Community, and Changing my little patch of the world. It’s not much in the grand scheme of things, but I know it can make a difference to someone and myself and that’s what matters.

Anyway back to the Clickening.

Around that time I had a moment like that. It was as if something in my mind was screaming at me, listen. You are here, and you have always been here to love animals, to love life, to make art, to tell stories with your art, to raise little sheeps.

And like that, it started Something.

I agreed to go to a local doctor, and was put on antidepressants. I’ve been on them since late February. I also got accommodations for work, so I have two excused absenses due to mental illness each month, which was good, because they tried to fire me 4 times now and they haven’t succeeded yet. (I’m DAMN GOOD at what I do, I’m just Sad and Unlucky and Dumb, but I’m doing a lot better now!!) I started taking all of the things I learned in the past many years and what I’ve learned about myself as a person (I won’t talk about it here but I’ve always struggled with my Identity [not gender wise, just...with my mental health and my mood disorder, it’s really hard to know What is ME and What’s The Illness) and it all started falling into place. My needle felting, my love for animals, conserving native wildlife AND heritage breeds with restoration grazing and positive impact forestry, utilizing my Overwhelming Charisma (in person I swear I’m quite a good talker! Way better than my typing here!) for education, outreach, and farmers market sales, my love for life and my fellow human beings and my plans to work hard to help feed my local communities and encourage sustainable agriculture and the dismantlemant of capitalism Love of our native wilds and backyards alike (I also have Big Thoughts about getting native peoples input as well, but I need to research that more and actually talk to people, but that would be in future years!!), and so, so many things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That started in late February/early March now, and since then I’ve still had Really bad times, but I’d say in the past mmmmm...probably since late July? I think yeah since about then things have really taken great turns. I’ve Matured a lot, really embraced who I am and what I want to do, and while I KNOW my plans are going to keep changing over time (tentative goal is to look for/buy our property in 2025!! That gives us 5 years post-graduation to settle down and see how things go, where Jessie will be working, where we’ll be living, how my mind changes, all of that!!) but I KNOW in my BONES in my SOUL that this is what I have always been meant to do. To raise things, grow things, and to Care.

ANYWAY WOW HAHAHA YOU SURE DIDN’T ASK FOR ALL THAT BUT THERE YA GO THERE’S THE BACKSTORY, THE FIRST HALF OF THE WORMS!!!!!!

TL;DR: I’m a sad sap who is now slightly less sad and has Big Plans that were 7 years+ in the making and I want to take all my Big Thoughts about exotic welfare (well, reptiles and spiders mostly, but sure) and also apply it to DOMESTIC welfare and Make a Dang Difference!!!!

Okay now I’ve become very burnt out, I’ve been writing for like two hours now? So this part will sadly be shorter, but I will definitely write more about it again if you or anyone else has questions or actually wants to hear about it.

Basically...the amount of These Plans that I am willing to let you folks know, is uhh...oh jeez where do I even begin, haha...

Well it started small plans (early years of research, when I used to think a small greenhouse was Super Wild and Crazy) but nah bruh we goin’ full hog, literally. My plans are to get a decent sized property, still in my state, and have a HUGE focus on Sustainability and Positive Grazing/Management! That means rotational grazing to IMPROVE soils!!! Thinning the woodlot and clearing brush for the HEALTH of the forest!!! Reintroducing blight-resistant american chestnuts to restore our forests and support a healthy wildlife population!!!! Using both honeybees AND cultivated native bees [did you know that’s a thing???? You can buy native bee cocoons, like raised humanely, and raise them for pollinating plants!! Like Orchards!!] and grazing pastured pigs and chickens under orchard trees, while also providing BUTTLOADS of native flowers and domestic tree blossoms for native pollinators!! All that great stuff.

My biggest focuses would be raising practical heritage livestock for sustainable agriculture and conserving heritage fruit trees, with a focus on apples and pears. I also want to grow a lot of mutually beneficial/low-impact perennial resources...think honey, maple syrup, nut trees, stuff like that! And I want to graze on pastures with native grasses and locality-specific wildflowers (check out Ernst Seeds, especially if you live in/near PA like I do!! Wow it’s so frickin’ cool) and focus on northern european short-tailed sheep (finnsheep, gotland, icelandic, leader, shetland, and soay) and small landrace American hogs (american guinea hog, ossabaw island hog) and the more recent but so full of potential idaho pasture pig. I also want to raise icelandic landrace chickens for utility (parasite/pest management, composting), conservation, and eggs. I also want to raise rabbits (silver fox crosses for meat, and french angora crosses for fiber! I have a dream of producing high quality tri color angora for spinners...three colors on one animal, and I want them to be especially great for fiber artists who want to raise their own fiber animals but don’t have a ton of space) and I have BIG orchard plans...SO MANY ORCHARD PLANS, HHHHHOOO YES....SO GOOD...also COPPICE WITH STANDARDS and FORESTRY and HOO YES!!!!! I LOVE SOME GOOD OL FORESTRY!!!

I think the best way to describe my current plans standings is that it seperates into a couple different “zones”, for my Current Ideas. This has taken months and so many countless hours of thinking, researching, and ironing out, and I’ve made so much headway in just this past week, but basically imagine this...

It’s mostly split into two pastures, the orchard, and the woodlot.

PASTURE 1

Pasture 1 would be the largest, where we would rotationally graze two primary groups of ruminants. Polled NES-T sheep (finnsheep/gotland) and horned sheep (icelandic/leader) with dairy cows (dutch belted) as well. Dutch belted for milk and specifically cheese production, and they would be grazed in front with the icelandics to help take care of the taller grasses that the sheep would avoid, and help keep the sheep a bit safer. All would be guarded by livestock guardian dogs. Group #1 of the icelandic chickens would be grazed behind them, to help break up manure and disrupt parasite cycles.

Pasture itself would be mostly a big bluestem/little bluestem/indian grass/switchgrass mix, with a good variety of livestock-safe wildflowers (small portion being nitrogen-fixers like tick trefoils and pasture pea) and seed-producing flowers for birds (wild birds and our birds!). Would be rotationally grazed 1-2 days at a time (avg. 3-4 days total) with a 21-35+ day rest period. Polled NES-T sheep would be moved to “silvopasture” (copse with standards, a portion of the woodlot, with coppiced trees for fuelwood/timber interspersed with standard-sized mast producting trees [would double as nut and persimmon orchard, and hog foraging in fall/winter!!!]) in the summer to help them deal with the heat. Summer would be the best time, as it’s after the spring predator pressure and before the acorns fall, which could be bad for them if they ingest too many. Rams and hogs would otherwise graze this land with much longer rest periods otherwise (more like 30-45 days or so).

PASTURE 2

Smaller pasture with similar planting, arranged ‘paddock paradise’ style for a small group of icelandic horses (SO GOOD, and useful!! Little horse hooves are much kinder to the forest than a UTV, and herding on horseback is less stressful for the livestock) and rotationally grazed shetland and soay sheep. Pretty simple, but important. Would also contain Icelandic chicken group #2.

ORCHARD

Worthy of a novel all on it’s own. I want to grow semi-dwarf heritage fruit trees with the fruit drop type synced to the rotation of pastured hogs (idaho pasture pig, american guinea hog, ossabaw island hog) and group #3 of icelandic chickens. Hogs would be in orchard spring-fall, and in the copse with standards fall-early winter. Hogs and chickens would be moved to a holding area during rainy times to help preserve the orchard floor and during winter, where we would also have a large waste management/composting set up for them to root and turn to their hearts content. Should be a lot warmer than the outside in the winter too, and I plan on it being in a high tunnel/hoop house so its covered.

I am ALL ABOUT pairing livestock with crops and encouraging multi-purpose acreage in general, so this is definitely one of my FAVORITE plans so far, and every time I revisit it, it gets better. I also want to raise BEES (honeybees, mason bees, leafcutter bees!!!) for honey and pollination. I also want to plant BUTT-TONS of native flowers and goodies for pollinators, as well as lots of seed producing plants and sunflowers for the chickens to forage for by themselves. These would be some happy livestock, for sure.

WOODLOT

Another huge part of the plan is that I want at LEAST 1/3-1/2 of the property to be Woods. Only a small fraction of the Woods would be managed for livestock foraging and more frequent harvesting (still looking at a good 7-10 year coppice cycle though for trees) and the rest would still be tended to, with the help of the local forestry folks, but it would be preserved for wildlife and low-impact timber and nut/fruit/sap collection.

The VAST MAJORITY of the farm would be multi-purpose acreage for both livestock AND wildlife benefit (and people too of course) and I truly, truly believe and KNOW it can be done. In fact it HAS been done, IS being done, in so many different ways by so many different people in different times, and I know that I want to be a part of it and I can make a difference and use my weird passions for Good and make a dang difference.

Ohhh jeez I’m real sorry I didn’t quite answer your question though but I hope this gives a little insight into what I mean?? And if anyone has Specific questions after reading this (if you make it to the bottom, bless your cotton socks, I’m so proud and also distressed) I can definitely answer them a bit better than this. And hopefully much less...whatever this is, haha!!

[blossom-hwa]

The Adventures of Cecia Seo |1| - ALL

If you guys actually like this absolute bullshit then tell me and I’ll do a part two or even more parts

It was actually a lot of fun to write as a stress reliever

Pairing: none (fem!reader, though)

Genre: just stupidity, texting!au

Word Count: 1.8k

Meeting NCT, your older brother’s boyband, was a great experience and you wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 

NCT Masterlist

You, June 10, 12:02 am

guESS WHO GOT THE EXCHANGE PROGRAM TO GO TO SEOUL

THAT’S RIGHT YOUR LIL SIS DID

CONGRATULATE ME BRO

John Suh, June 10, 12:02 am

oh lord

i can’t believe you’re coming all the way to seoul to annoy me now

congrats tho lil sis!

also why are you up rn

it’s midnight over there

You, June 10, 12:03 am

I LITERALLY JUST GOT THE NEWS AT MIDNIGHT

ASKDLJGHKWGQHKHWG

I’M SO EXCITED

John Suh, June 10, 12:04 am

when are you coming????

You, June 10, 12:04 am

lemme check the email

um i get to seoul on August 28 and then school in SNU actually starts on September 1

John Suh, June 10, 12:06 am

and now it’s time for the inevitable question

‘when do i get to meet nct????’

You, June 10, 12:07 am

fuck off john suh

that’s still your contact name btw

and it’s not my fault that they’re all talented amazing people

i can’t help my wanting to meet them and tell them they deserve the world

John Suh, June 10, 12:07 am

okay rude first of all

also do i not deserve the world either

You, June 10, 12:08 am

no

John Suh, June 10, 12:08 am

i’m

okay whatever

go study your chemistry or computer science or whatever

nerd

You, June 10, 12:09 am

jock

John Suh, June 10, 12:09 am

jocks are better than nerds

You, June 10, 12:09 am

at least nerds actually get somewhere

i seem to remember you spending nine years in SM’s basement

John Suh, June 10, 12:10 am

b l o c k e d

~~~

You, June 12, 7:05 am

okay but i’m serious this time johnny

are you okay with me meeting nct?

i’m not joking, i really admire them and their hard work and i’d love to make friends with them but if you don’t want to it’s okay

John Suh, June 12, 7:05 am

lmao i was joking last time

i’m cool with you meeting them

they don’t know about you tho lol

i never told them i have a sister

You, June 12, 7:07 am

what the fuck seo youngho

John Suh, June 12, 7:08 am

lol

You, June 12, 7:09 am

are you fucking kidding me

yah

john seo

where are you

answer your phone

are you dead

ANSWER YOUR FUCKIN PHONE

ISTG

I’M GOING TO TELL MOM THAT YOU’RE DEAD

WHAT THE FUCK

WHERE ARE YOU

John Suh, June 12, 7:20 am

sorry Jaehyun saw our messages and he grabbed my phone and started yelling to the dorm that i had a sister

You, June 12, 7:23 am

ffs i thought you died

oh of course an English speaker got hold of your phone

i’ll leave you to deal with your bandmates rn

i’ve got an internship to go to

John Suh, June 12, 7:23 am

have fun

~~~

TY Trek, June 12, 8:25 pm

Seo Youngho why did you never tell us you had a sister

Moon Tail, June 12, 8:25 pm

yea i thought u trusted us

You, June 12, 8:26 pm

it just never came up sorry

ding dong hyuck, June 12, 8:26 pm

how old is she????

what’s her name???

what’s she like???

You, June 12, 8:27 pm

okay first of all why so many question marks

second

soon to turn nineteen, Cecia, and annoying

absolutely fully capable, June 12, 8:28 pm

when can we meet her??

You, June 12, 8:29 pm

surprisingly soon

she’s coming to seoul for an exchange program

she arrives on August 28

jaeffrey, June 12, 8:30 pm

where is she coming from?

like what school i mean

You, June 12, 8:30 pm

MIT

here she’ll be going to SNU

jisung pwark, June 12, 8:31 pm

isn’t MIT that really good school in Massachusetts you told me about hyung

ding dong hyuck, June 12, 8:31 pm

M I T

WHAT-

HYUNG YOUR SISTER IS A GENIUS

You, June 12, 8:32 pm

kinda??? i guess

do bunny, June 12, 8:33 pm

hyung can you tell us more about her?

like her majors and interests and stuff like that

i’m curious

10, June 12, 8:33 pm

yea i’m curious too

can’t believe the fans ship us as johnten because we’re best friends but i never even knew you had a sister

You, June 12, 8:34 pm

jesus calm yourself ten

okay so she’s double majoring in computer science and chemistry

TY Trek, June 12, 8:34 pm

WHAT THE HECK JOHNNY

COMPUTER SCIENCE AND CHEMISTRY

WHAT

You, June 12, 8:34 pm

she’s actually adopted

jeez taeyong calm down

Moon Tail, June 12, 8:35 pm

taeyong’s literally staring at his phone in disbelief rn

absolutely fully capable, June 12, 8:35 pm

do you think she can help me with my chemistry homework

wait what she’s adopted

You, June 12, 8:36 pm

ethnically Chinese

still is pretty fluent in mandarin

learned Korean after getting sick of not being able to understand what my family was talking about half the time

winwin situation, June 12, 8:37 pm

oh yay she speaks Chinese

You, June 12, 8:37 pm

idk Mark you have to ask her but she’ll probably say yes

oh she’s a fan of NCT

chen-dolphin, June 12, 8:38 pm

does she play piano like you hyung

You, June 12, 8:38 pm

yeah

and violin

do bunny, June 12, 8:39 pm

lmao i should log off before my ego takes another hit

10, June 12, 8:40 pm

no stay on hyung

your ego needs to deflate a bit

do bunny, June 12, 8:40 pm

uncalled for

bye

~~~

You, July 30, 11:01 pm

mom says she wants you to pick me up from the airport when i get there

John Suh, August 1, 3:10 am

ugh fine

You, August 1, 3:15 am

you woke me up fuck you

John Suh, August 1, 3:16 am

sor-RY i was in an interview earlier

you sure you weren’t finishing a procrastinated-on paper

You, August 1, 3:20 am

i don’t procrastinate you know me Johnathon

John Suh, August 1, 3:21 am

thats not my name

You, August 1, 3:22 am

idc i’m going back to sleep

~~~

You, August 28, 9:34 pm

where are you

John Suh, August 28, 9:38 pm

hold on Ten nearly got recognized just now

You, August 28, 9:38 pm

okay

WAIT HOLD UP

WHY IS TEN WITH YOU

John Suh, August 28, 9:39 pm

he insisted on getting to meet you first bc ‘i’m your best friend’

doyoung’s here too

you can meet two of your biases at once how handy

You, August 28, 9:39 pm

oh my god i look like a mess why would you do this to me

hold up i can see you

John Suh, August 28, 9:40 pm

wait what

how

i still can’t see you

You, August 28, 9:41 pm

you’re a fucking tree johnny seo

why did your tall-ass family decide to adopt a short person like me

oh holy shit it’s actually ten and doyoung

two of my biases in nct

oh my god

alsdjghlg

i can’t do this oh my god

John Suh, August 28, 9:43 pm

you wanted to meet them gdi

they’re just people calm yourself

and i see you now i’m coming to get you

You, August 28, 9:44 pm

yes please save me from this sea of people i need to sleep

~~~

10, August 29, 8:30 am

your sister’s very pretty hyung

You, August 29, 8:31 am

uh

thanks i think?

do bunny, August 29, 8:31 am

she is

who’s her third bias you mentioned she had three

You, August 29, 8:32 am

taeil

do bunny, August 29, 8:33 am

why though

10, August 29, 8:33 am

yeah why

You, August 29, 8:34 am

‘his vocals are heavenly’

‘oh my god his voice is like an angel’s’

‘i can die in peace now’

do bunny, August 29, 8:35 am

okay but what does she say about my vocals

You, August 29, 8:35 am

‘okay how rude’

‘i don’t deserve this shit’

‘he’s not allowed to look so hot while singing and dancing i look like a hippo when i try’

‘what is this madness’

10, August 29, 8:36 am

does she talk about my heavenly dancing

You, August 29, 8:36 am

no

but if it makes you feel better

she screams because you’re too good looking while you dance

look

‘OKAY HOW DARE HE’

‘WHAT THE FUCK TEN CHITTAPHON’

‘I HATE YOU’

‘I DON’T DESERVE THIS DISRESPECT’

‘WHO ALLOWED HIM TO DO THIS WHAT THE FUCK HOW DOES ONE LOOK SO GOOD WHILE DANCING’

‘IS HE A DANCE GOD’

10, August 29, 8:37 am

i feel much better now hyung thanks

~~~

You, August 29, 10:30 am

ten and doyoung are very sweet and nice make sure you tell them i said that

also where are you i’m in the practice room already

the staff here are very nice

oop hold up taeyong is here

John Suh, August 29, 10:40 am

sorry some of us are running late

You, August 29, 10:41 am

HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH THIS ANGEL EVERY DAY

HE’S SO SWEET AND NICE AND HE IS E T H E R E A L

HE LOOKS LIKE A FAIRY????

John Suh, August 29, 10:42 am

lmao those were my thoughts when i first met him too

You, August 29, 10:45 am

THE DREAMIES ARE HERE

OHMIGOD THEY’RE SO CUTE

John Suh, August 29, 10:46 am

lord jesus help me

are you going to spam about each nct member you meet

i’m coming to the practice room rn

~~~

- 10 has added Cesium to the chat! -

You, August 29, 9:31 pm

what is the meaning of this ten chittaphon leechaiyapornkul

Cesium, August 29, 9:32 pm

hi!

do bunny, August 29, 9:33 pm

hi cecia!

winwin situation, August 29, 9:33 pm

hello cecia~

TY Trek, August 29, 9:33 pm

so on behalf of all of nct i welcome you to the group chat Cecia! so we don’t have to deal with lik 20 hellos in the chat

10, August 29, 9:34 pm

why does Johnny hyung have your name saved as Cesium cecia

Cesium, August 29, 9:35 pm

i would curse but the dreamies are in the chat so i’ll refrain

probably because cecia sounds like cesium and cesium is an element in the periodic table and i’m studying chemistry so he thinks it’s ‘clever’

You, August 29, 9:35 pm

it IS clever

fight me

Cesium, August 29, 9:36 pm

johnathon seo you haven’t been clever since the day you got knocked out by a baseball in third grade.

i can deck you 

try me

do bunny, August 29, 9:37 pm

i can hear the dreamies laughing

i think chenle is dying

Cesium, August 29, 9:37 pm

for the record i have johnny’s name saved as ‘John Suh’

TY Trek, August 29: 9:38 pm

is Jaehyun choking?

Cesium, August 29, 9:38 pm

oh it’s jeffrey

don’t die please

or else my friend who’s jaehyun-biased won’t have anything to live for

jaeffrey, August 29, 9:39 pm

i’m not dying lol

johnny is though

he’s getting wrecked

#reckt

absolutely fully capable, August 29, 9:40 pm

oh my god hyung please stop

[fedine]

Hey answer all of those

I told you guys it would happen! I’m putting it all under a cut.

moon: what is your astrological sign?

Virgo!

gingerbread: your moral alignment

I struggle with whether or not I’m ‘chaotic’ or ‘lawful’ a lot, so I usually just settle for ‘Neutral Good’

birdseed: family or friends?

Hmm, this is a tough one always, because I love both a lot, but sometimes when it comes down to it one group is going to be healthier than the other for me to be around at certain times.

sheets: your sexual orientation

Bisexual! I am polyamorous too, but I’m in a very very happy monogamous relationship, and I plan to keep it that way.

warm milk: when do you usually fall asleep?

Usually after 12 AM, and normally before 6 AM, but it depends on what the boyfriend and I watch on Netflix that night, since we’re doing that now, or how long we decide to role play for.

pot of honey: your gender identity

Oof, this is a really hard one for me, because I’ve been questioning stuff again. I normally fall into that “feminine” category, because that’s how I present, but I am really unsure of how I actually feel on that matter on a deeper level, you know?

snow: what is your favorite time of year and why?

Autumn-Winter... It’s not even Summer yet right now, and it was 100 degrees Fahrenheit outside today. That time of year just has my favorite days/holidays too! I’d say starting in September (mine and my boyfriend’s anniversary and my birthday) until probably February (Valentine’s Day)? I think that’s when all the fun stuff is!

yarn: what are your most enjoyable hobbies?

I love repainting/customizing dolls, and I would love to get back into it! I had plans to start a little Etsy shop and a YouTube channel for it, but things haven’t gone well for that lately, so I just play a lot of World of Warcraft! Currently, I have a goal to start dual/multiboxing two Mistweaver Monks, AND raid on them (without wiping the raid). It’s gonna be tough, I know, especially in a raiding environment, but I figure if someone can 20+ box a team of Paladins in Emerald Nightmare successfully, I can handle two healers.

bicycle: what are you talented at?

I’m pretty alright at art! I used to be a great jazz bassist, but I haven’t played in years at this point.

folktale: what stories remind you of your childhood?

I don’t really have many that do, if any at all, because I don’t remember a lot of my childhood.

woods: where do you feel at peace?

I feel really at peace in... Skyrim, of all games. Usually just wandering around, exploring out in the wilderness. It really is a beautiful game, landscape wise. I also really like this one spot in the Grizzly Hills/Howling Fjord in World of Warcraft, this tiny clearing in the mountains with a tree and a couple of shrubs where my boyfriend and I go to RP a couple of my personal favorite characters. It’s where they set up camp! I like it a lot! There’s a few other places like that in WoW that have huge sentimental value to me, but if I went over every single one I’d have a massive post here!

chicken feet: what is your emotional “flaw”?

Probably my hyper focusing tendencies that cause me to fixate so hard on one goal that I MUST see it through to the point of almost self destruction, or even worse, when I hyperfixate on too many things at once and it causes me to do that but faster.

red cheeks: what makes you nervous?

Oh jeez, asking stuff from my parents, or confronting them about stuff.

sunflower: what do you love and cherish?

Okay, this is going to sound so cheesy, but... Every single moment I spend with my boyfriend. We’ve spoken for well over 12 hours a day for almost every single say we’ve known each other, since we met formally in July of last year, but I have loved every single second. I really love my boyfriend, okay? Everyone knows.......

bells: what sounds are your favorite or calm you the most?

Oh, well, it’s in the title of this question! Brass and bronze bells are my favorite, especially the big ones!

turnip: what is a food you could eat everyday?

Spaghetti with meat in the sauce, be it meat balls or part of the sauce itself.

spit: do you get jealous easily?

Not really! I used to get more jealous about stuff, but I can’t really see myself in that position anymore, at least with like relationships.

mushroom: list unique things you like about yourself

Hmm, I gave this one some thought, but I really don’t think I have any individual traits that are “unique” because there are so many people in the world that probably display the exact same stuff like: ‘can draw well,’ or ‘can play bass nicely.’ It’s not individual unique traits that make someone unique because there really aren’t unique traits. It’s the combination of them that makes someone unique! Like bricks in a house! All of the bricks are the same, but the house isn’t.

cupboard: a good childhood memory

I remember fondly a time where I once spun a teacup ride on a carousel so fast once my younger sibling got sick. Wasn’t funny at the time but now that we’re like twelve or so years older it’s hilarious now.

eyebags: what do you think makes a person attractive?

U h... Well, I really like long, messy hair, and facial hair. Blue eyes, really tall... Accent....... Really sweet, kind of shy but gets louder and sillier when you get to know him.............

fallen log: something you’ve gotten over that you never thought you would

I honestly never thought I would get over this one relationship I had in 10th grade, but... I got over it... Boy did I get over it... And away from it... Thank Goodness....

dagger: your worst fear

Meeting someone specific from my past, probably.

whisper: do you have any secrets?

Just one really big one, really, but I’m slowly coming to terms with it.

wild boar: which person do you feel closest to?

My boyfriend! Though I also have two best friends, one of ten years, the other of two, and then my sibling is pretty close to me as well!

sweet: what candies or cakes are you fond of?

I love sour candies a lot, and vanilla cakes are my favorite! Ice cream cakes are amazing also.

footprints: do you remember your past lives?

I think I used to, if it’s a real thing that is. I’m still trying to figure that out about myself.

fur: name an animal you feel connected to

Oh man, there’s really so many, but I love dogs and cats, ravens and cockatoos, bees... The list continues.

vodka: do you drink?

Not at the moment, but I’m turning 21 in like 5 months.

sour cherry: an obscure tradition from your family?

We eat king crab around Christmas/New Years. Specifically king crab.

pine needles: what is your favorite scent?

For Valentine’s day, my boyfriend sent me his favorite jacket to wear, and I didn’t take it off for a while because it smelled like him, and I wanted to feel like he was there with me as much as I could. Gosh, I can’t wait to steal another jacket from him meet him for the first time.

heart-shaped: do you believe in love? are you in love?

YEAH, I REALLY DO, AND YEAH, I REALLY AM.

home: where do you dream of living?

Somewhere in California still, with guess-who living with me. I’d love it if my best friends could live nearby as well, but that’s unlikely. Still, it is a dream.

spice: list your favorite herbs

Oregano and Thyme, because I use them in my meatball recipe.

mud: something you’re insecure about but trying to love

My weight. Usually when I imagine what I look like to other people I don’t really imagine anything flattering or kind to myself, but I am trying to work through it. It’s something I kind of have to live with too, no matter what, since I haven’t been able to lose weight for a few years.

tobacco: do you have any addictions?

I play World of Warcraft non-stop for several hours on end every single day. I have been for over two years, which is the longest time in my life I have since I picked the game up ten years ago.

sock: how would you describe your clothing taste?

Expensive, and usually made for much thinner people. I really like the sweet lolita fashion style, but there are a few other styles I like. All still expensive though. Except for flannel + T-shirts. Those always look good together, and are pretty nice and casual enough for me.

cuckoo clock: are you a morning, a noon, or an evening person?

Evening! I usually wake up past noon, and it’s not until around three or four I get to talk to my boyfriend.

wooden fence: a favorite memory

When my boyfriend asked me out!!!! Gosh, I remember it so well. We were role playing together on those two particular characters probably for the... third? Fourth time ever? Well, he asked RIGHT before we were going to start, and all of the week before I kept getting nervous around him. I had decided I wasn’t going to pursue him (because... not going to lie, I thought he was gay for a while there) but every single time he addressed me in voice chat, ESPECIALLY when we were alone, I would tense up and ask myself, “Is he going to ask me out right now?” I had rehearsed what I wanted to say to him in the situation so that if/when it happened, I would be prepared, but I forgot how to talk when it actually happened! I even thought it wasn’t going to right then; it was the one time I thought he wasn’t going to ask. Well, I went silent a couple of seconds, hitting my push to talk button a few times while my mouth hung open. I did say yes though! Both times, because he asked again after I said yes the first time! 

[heartshapedcloud]

i was tagged by friendwife extraordinaire @littlepetlouis to do a thingo!

1. Nicknames? g, husky, heebiejeebie (classic one from my dad), g-g, etc the list goes on

2. Gender? a gal

3. Star Sign? libra

4. Height? 5′1 1/2″

5. Time? 1:11pm ( B) )

6. Birthday? september 26

7. Favorite bands? soo many but at the moment i’m super digging lord huron, the chainsmokers, the killers, and i can never really let 1d go even though i dont listen to them all the time

8. Favorite solo artists? look i do love tswift, also amine, lil dicky, post malone (ofc), and... sam hunt #dont@me

9. Song stuck in my head? 'our house’ by madness

10. Last movie you watched? home alone! which i had never seen before. score, @ boyfriend, good movie, v funny.

11. Last show you watched? either riverdale or stranger things #basic

12. When did you create your blog? oh jeez... my friends created it for me in september of... 2014? i think?

13. What do I post? lots of puppies and skies and flowers and things that look pretty and make me feel good and calm

14. Last thing I googled? ‘cool online stores’ (me and bee were doing online shopping because i’ve never done it before. we didn’t buy anything but still a good time)

15. Do you have any other blogs? i have a few, my fave is @goodmorningfromthesun​ which is just kids songs about waking up

16. Do you get asks? occasionally! i would always love more though lol.. just remember everyone i am basically a relationship guru now. i could do that job on cosmopolitan where they answer questions about dating. for sure.

17. Why did you choose your url? it was a dumb insult someone called me in a chatroom in 2011 that kinda...stuck

18. Following? 654 all up across my blogs

19. Followers? 550+ on this one

20. Favorite colors? soft pink and sunshine yellow and turquoise all together

21. Average hours of sleep? generally like 7-8, not including the naps i’ve had to take since i had The Sickness and have had Fatigue

22. Lucky number? 12 :)

23. Instruments? i play cello altho very poorly due to lack of practise for a longass time

24. What am I wearing? ..next q

25. How many blankets do I sleep with? just 1, a big snuggly cover

26. Dream job? to be able to have a lot of jobs would really be the dream job, but i guess philosophy professor or international relations secretary

27. Dream vacation? i would love to do a tour of the national parks in the states

28. Favorite food? i love pasta and lychees

29. Nationality? australian

30. Favorite song right now? i have 3 all vying for top place and they’re all REALLY DIFFERENT so here they are: candy paint by post malone, lonesome dreams by lord huron, and gucci gang by lil pump.

ummm i don’t know who’s already done this so if you have just ignore this but i tag @rosy-tea  @rainyblush @bumblebeas @richardgoranski @bcnercast @trash-tm @beebritt and whoever else wants to do it!

[becausewehaveto]

w20 FOLLOWERS I’D LIKE TO KNOW BETTER

Tagged by: @hi-im-cas Thanks for this bro!

Tagging: @seiikiranna @spideyxgwen @scarletchaos @bolshoikiller @boundinmybones @shxrpshot @willxthatxbexall @fallcnandlost @asgardian-jotun 1) Name/Nickname: Rachel, Ms. G, Moushi (From when I was in school and then it became my online persona thing 2) Gender: Guuuurl 3): Star sign: Virgo 4): Height: 5′9″ I come from a family of giants 5): Hogwarts House: Uuuuh, I actually have to look that up... Okay, apparently it’s Gryffindor 6): Favorite Animal: The great and majestic Potoo 7): Hours of Sleep: 6-7 is what I shoot for 8): Dogs or Cats: Dogs, but I love cats too. My cat kind of acts like a dog so it more or less sorted itself out 9): Number of Blankets: One big poofy one. 10): Dream Trip: Kyoto, Japan is where I want to go but traveling anywhere would be a blast to me 11.) Dream Job: Teacher 12.) Time: 8pm 13.): Birthday: September 8th 14.): Favorite Bands:  Oh jeez. FOB, Mumford and Sons, Florence and the Machine, Of Monsters and Men, Ahhh... more I’m probably forgetting about.

15.): Favorite Solo Artist: Philip Phillips

16.): Song stuck In My Head: Pain 17.): Last Movie I Watched: Thor Ragnarok 18.): Last Show I watched: Stranger Things 19.): When did I create my Blog: This one? Back in the Summer 20.): What do I post/Reblog: RP generally, sometimes graphics and .gifs and headcannon stuff, some OOC, memes 21.): Last thing I Googled: What Hogwarts House am I in? 22.): Other Blogs: My SPN rp blog that I haven’t posted on in forever. A blog I keep about teaching and the general goings on as a teacher, and a random pictures from my phone blog I keep but neither are hardly active. I also had a blog on the Gokagai in Kyoto that I want to re-make, I have the blog down, it’s just a matter of posting on it. If anyone’s interested in any of those I can send the url your way but I don’t feel comfortable posting them out here yo.

23.): Do I get Asks: From only a select few people who I cherish deeply. I wish I had more but you know, appreciate what you have man~ 24.): Why I chose My URL: Um, when I was making the blog I wanted to make something that was a quote from marvel and this one seemed to fit 25.): Following: 42 26.): Followers: 81 currently. My highest was 85, where did all my peeps go? D’; 27.): Lucky number: 9 I like very much 28.): Favorite Instrument: Viola~ 29.): What am I wearing: Yoga pants and a grey shirt. Very lovely

31.): Nationality: American~ 32.): Favorite Song: Thunder, I like that song, don’t know why. It’s gonna change quick though I know it. 33.): Last Book I Read: Petey to my kids and I’m listening to the Stand on my long drives. 34.): Top Three Fictional Universes I’d Like to Join: X-Men, Pokemon uuuuh...whichever one has the least world ending situations happening at the moment

[fleetwoodmoth]

tagged by  @egosumdivina and @mysticdragon867 I think?

Rules: Answer thirty questions. Then tag twenty blogs you would like to know better. 1. Nicknames: Cas 2. Gender: ??? 3. Star Sign: Virgo sun Aquarius moon 4. Height: 5′7″ 5. Current Time: 3:44pm 6. Birthday: September 17! 7. Favorite Bands: Fall Out Boy, Fleetwood Mac, The Civil Wars, Imagine Dragons,  8. Favorite Solo Artists: Hozier, Kesha, Elton John 9. Song Stuck in my Head: Carnivore - Starset 10. Last Movie Watched: Spiderman Homecoming  11. Last Show Watched: ??? 12. When Did I Create My Blog: 20..13? 13. What Do I Post: Screaming... about the people I love and the things I love mostly and also some art 14. Last Thing I Googled: Rosebuddies :P 15. Do You Have Other Blogs: Shit my dude I got... nsfw blog, personal/stim blog, writing blog, witch blog, uhhhh self insert shit blog, devotional blogs, wanna start a nsfw art blog 17. Why Did You Choose Your URL: Cause I like skeletons and skulls are cool and aesthetic and I mean imagine them being dipped in gold??? Nice.  18. Following: 804 >.> 19. Followers: 729 ah jeez 20. Favorite Colors: Peach colors, plums, gold and black.  21. Average Hours of Sleep: Lately? Like 5. 22. Lucky Number: 13 23. Instruments: Uhhh? I mean I used to play piano, but I really wanna learn the fiddle or guitar. 24. What Am I Wearing: Flannel shirt and jogging shorts lmao 25. How Many Blankets I Sleep With: 2! A nice quilt-ish thing and a comforter from freshman year. 26. Dream Job: Character Designer for a video game company tbh 27. Dream Trip: I’d like to visit Seattle but if I could go anywhere I’d wanna visit Japan. Anywhere tbh. 28. Favorite Food: Tacos or Pizza tbh 29. Nationality: American 30. Favorite Song Now: Hymn by Kesha

Look all yall fuckers know each other so if you’ve already been tagged I’m sorry the gays all know each other here @tagyourjakku @blackspacelion @rolofunk @jorgancrath @asher-mir

[angelsd0ntkill]

Screw it, I’m gonna answer ALL THE QUESTIONS from the music ask meme.

1. A song you’re ashamed of liking: I don’t have one?? I don’t think??

2. Favourite lyrics: Kun multaan vanhan erämaan / Ajattoman, lohduttavan / Palaan kerran uudestaan / Älä jää mua suremaan (From “Lohtu”, composed by Tuomas Holopainen of Nightwish and performed by various Finnish artists.)

Rough translation: When I return once again to the timeless, comforting earth of the ancient wilderness, do not mourn me.

3. Favourite band/artist: If I have to pick one, I’ll always say My Chemical Romance, because they’re so important to me and I’ve never loved a band like I love them. Other faves include Children of Bodom, Warmen, Billy Talent, Korpiklaani, Ensiferum, Norther, Nightwish, Lady Gaga, Marina and the Diamonds, Blackpink, 2NE1, Dalriada, Iron Maiden, and AC/DC.

4. Top 5 Favourite songs at this moment:

Spark by Warmen

Luontoni by Korpiklaani

As If It’s Your Last by Blackpink

Roppongi Rumble by Warmen

Somebody’s Watching Me by Warmen

Can you tell I fucking love Warmen...?

5. Latest song that made you smile: Not only did Alestorm’s “Fucked With An Anchor” make me smile, it made me laugh my ass off the first time I heard it. I know, I’m easily amused.

6. An overrated band: No offense but... the first thing that comes to mind is Turisas... Or, well, I don’t like using the word “overrated” -- it’s been used to drag my music taste too often, go figure -- and it’s more like I don’t listen to them much myself but I see (or used to see) so much hype for them and I'm kinda like “what”. 

7. An overrated song: ????????????

8. Latest song that made you cry: Oh, gods, it’s been so long. Several years, probably. Uhh ... “Make It Stop (September’s Children)” by Rise Against?

9. Artist/band that saved your life: My Chemical Romance. Yep, I’m one of those. ;) Later on, Michael Jackson did the same.

10. If you could see any band/artist live, who would it be: Oh, jeez, that’s a loaded question. My first instinct is to see MCR one more time (preferably with them playing all my favourites from all their albums); second I thought of artists who are retired or dead (Michael Jackson, for example); third I thought of all my faves who I haven’t seen yet; and finally I thought of how thirsty I am to see Bodom again. I don’t know what I’d pick aaaaaaa

11. What song/album/band/artist always brings back memories for you: “Who Made Who” by AC/DC brings back childhood memories because my Dad’s a huge AC/DC fan and that was the song my siblings and I liked best. Evanescence’s album The Open Door and MCR’s The Black Parade bring back memories of winter break in 8th grade when my sister and I hung out in my room drawing “manga” and listening to them on repeat. We grew apart fast after that, and it took years to reconnect properly, so it’s bittersweet. “Nemo” by Nightwish reminds me of road trips with the family, and a specific place we’d stop on our way to Lake Huron....

12. Saddest song you know: “Nothing to Lose” or “Saint Veronika” by Billy Talent, probably.

13. Favourite song to sing in the shower: Whatever’s stuck in my head at the given time.

14. If you played an instrument in grade school, what was it: I played the flute and the fact that there have been so many popular text posts about how flutists are assholes makes me sad.

15. What song would you like to have your first dance to at your wedding: Not to, like, totally copy my old coworker or anything, but... “The Only Exception” by Paramore. Which would be bad because I’d be a crying mess. :^D

16. 5 Songs to have sex to: I’m a sex-repulsed asexual, my dudes.

17. One band you’d have get back together/bring back from the dead: *chants* M-C-R! M-C-R! M-C-R!

18. You’re forced to listen to only one album for the rest of your life, what album is it: Billy Talent’s Dead Silence.

19. A song that gets you through shit: The previously mentioned “Make It Stop (September’s Children)” is pretty good for that. So is “One Step At A Time” by Four Year Strong. I also listen to “Deep Inside” by Norther and “Roundtrip to Hell and Back” and “Towards Dead End” by Children of Bodom a lot when I’m having a shitty time, though I wouldn’t say they help me through anything. It’s more like they help vent the shitty feelings.

20. A song to shut everything out: “Hate Crew Deathroll” by Children of Bodom or “The Invaluable Darkness” by Dimmu Borgir.

21. A song that’s a joke between you and your friends: We’ve all been memelords since time immemorial, so any songs that are jokes between us are also jokes on the internet. The good ol’ Trololol Song and the Lonely Island’s “I Just Had Sex” come to mind. :P OH! “I Don’t Love You” by MCR is a joke between me and my sister. I don’t know how it happened, but we were like “I don’t love you, like I loved, that cake~” We, along with a mutual friend, also have an inside joke concerning “U Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer and Slade Minions from the Teen Titans video game, but that’s a bit too involved to get into, haha.

22. A song to jam out to at 4am: “Drink” by Alestorm -- WE ARE HERE TO DRINK YOUR BEER AND STEAL YOUR RUM AT THE POINT OF A GUN!!

23. A song that punches you in the gut every single time: “Roundtrip to Hell and Back” by Children of Bodom and “Deep Inside” by Norther

24. A song that calms you down: Maybe “Fear and Loathing” and “Happy” by Marina and the Diamonds.

25. A song that makes you feel alive: “Runaway” by Avril Lavigne, “The Edge of Glory” by Lady Gaga, “This Is Home” by blink-182

26. If you could get any lyrics tattooed, which would you choose: Voitonlaulut soi ainiaan! (from “Victory Song” by Ensiferum) and I am not afraid to keep on living (from “Famous Last Words” by MCR).

27. What band/artist would you get your children addicted to at an early age: AC/DC (the legacy must continue), metal in general, Michael Jackson, Lady Gaga...

28. Can you play any instruments, if so, which: Flute, as mentioned above. Tried to learn guitar and bass at different times, but nothing came of it. O:^)

29. If you could be a member of any band for one show, who would it be: Probably Korpiklaani, they always seem like they’re having a blast.

30. CDs or Vinyls: CDs, but vinyls are cool, too.

31. 25 15 songs to play at your funeral: Gods, I’m gonna go full Edgelord with this, alright--

“Hell’s Bells” by AC/DC

“Highway to Hell” by AC/DC

“Haunt” by Bastille

“Tumman Virran Taa” by Ensiferum

“Last Breath” by Ensiferum

“The Longest Journey (Heathen Throne Part II)” by Ensiferum

“HIStory” by Michael Jackson

“Under the Water by The Pretty Reckless

“Turn Loose The Mermaids” by Nightwish

“Those Were The Days” by Leningrad Cowboys

“Thnks fr th Mmrs” by Fall Out Boy

“The Light Behind Your Eyes” by My Chemical Romance

“Meadows of Heaven” by Nightwish

“Lohtu” by various Finnish artists

“Kill All Your Friends” by My Chemical Romance

I guess some of those are acceptable/more on point/at least partly serious.

32. What are some song titles that you love?

“It’s Not A Fashion Statement, It’s A Fucking Deathwish” by My Chemical Romance

“LoBodomy” by Children of Bodom, because haha, that’s pretty clever

“Done With Everything, Die For Nothing” by Children of Bodom

“Fxxk Boys Get Money” by FEMM

“Ghost Ship of Cannibal Rats” by Billy Talent

“Indie Sux, Hardline Sux, Emo Sux, You Suck” by Anti-Flag

“All Men Are Pigs” by Studio Killers

“I Never Told You What I Do For A Living” by My Chemical Romance

“If You Want Peace... Prepare For War” by Children of Bodom

I think I’ll stop there so this doesn’t get even longer than it’s already gonna be. Shout-out to all the Children of Bodom songs with “Bodom” in the title, though.

33. If your life ended today, what song would you choose to represent it? Maybe “Into the Cave We Wander” by Gerard Way & Ray Toro.

34. Can you give me a 10 song playlist on ____. I’m picking “Songs That Are Titled What The Band/Artist Is Called (Or Close Enough)” to fill in that blank.

Children of Bodom by Children of Bodom

Arkona by Arkona

Dimmu Borgir by Dimmu Borgir

Wa$$up by Wa$$up

Norther by Norther

Korpiklaani by Korpiklaani

I’m Poppy by That Poppy

The Evil That Warmen Do by Warmen

Iron Maiden by Iron Maiden

Alestorm by Alestorm

35. A heart-wrenching song: “Chasing the Sun” by Billy Talent -- I can’t even tell you why exactly I find it heart-wrenching, like yes, it’s bittersweet and beautiful and the lyrics are kind of sad, but I don’t relate to it personally, but it hits the heart anyway??

36. A band/artist you’re proud of: Billy Talent.

37. A song that has a lot of meaning to you: “Save Yourself, I’ll Hold Them Back” by My Chemical Romance

38. A song that reminds you of school: “Nights I Can’t Remember, Friends I’ll Never Forget” by Toby Keith. Despite the fact that I’ve never experienced anything like what’s described in the song, the general vibe makes me super nostalgic for my high school friends and by extension high school.

39. A song not sung in your native language: “BOOMBAYAH” by Blackpink (yay, KPop!)

40. An instrumental song: “Jupiter, Bringer of Jollity” from Gustav Holst’s “The Planets”.

41. A classical song: I can’t think of anything off the top of my head and I’m not gonna go look that shit up coz it’s already past my bedtime and I wanna finish this in one go.

42. A song with no percussion: “Romance” by My Chemical Romance (I think?)

43. Something you’ve heard performed live: “Run to the Hills” by Iron Maiden

44. Something you’d give ANYTHING to hear performed live: By MCR: This is the Best Day Ever; Our Lady Of Sorrows; Kill All Your Friends; My Way Home Is Through You; Heaven Help Us; Save Yourself, I’ll Hold Them Back; Summertime; Ambulance; Gun; The World Is Ugly; The Light Behind Your Eyes; Kiss The Ring; Surrender The Night; Desolation Row; Fake Your Death; and Desert Song.

I’d also love to see Billy Talent perform “Louder Than The DJ” and “Big Red Gun” live, I bet it’d be awesome. Also, seeing some of Bodom’s cover songs would be neat.

45. A song from a band/artist that’s from your town/city/state/province: I mean, I live in a town in the region of Uusimaa and Espoo is in Uusimaa soooo... Children of Bodom? :D

46. A song made suddenly precious because of a special someone: I honestly don’t know how to answer this one.

47. A song made suddenly painful because of someone special: “The Zephyr Song” by Red Hot Chili Peppers was painful for the longest time because of the first person who broke my heart. :I

48. A song that demands lip syncing and a makeshift microphone: "Manicure” by Lady Gaga, “Party All The Time” by Children of Bodom, “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Warmen, and “Bang Bang” by Jessie J. featuring Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj just to name a few.

49. A song from a band/artist you met/know: Uhh, I’ve met two members of Arkona, so let’s go with “Yarlio”.

50. A song that you would rock at karaoke: “Piano Man” by Billy Joel

51. A song you can’t help but dance to: I don’t dance... :I

52. A song that makes you want to dance on a table: See previous answer.

53. Your 10 song stripper playlist: No.

54. Favourite Disney song: Probably “Son of Man” by Phil Collins (from Tarzan, and that whole soundtrack is awesome okay), though of course “I’ll Make A Man Out Of You” is one hell of a jam, as well.

55. A song that starts with the first letter of your name: “Jouni Jouni” by Korpiklaani

56. A song from an artist still alive: “Hajdutanc” by Dalriada

57. A song from an artist who’s dead: “En Oo Käyny Irlannissa” by Juice Leskinen. It’s one of my favourite songs but I can’t find it anywhere on the internet, nor have I been able to find the album it’s on. The only person I know who has a copy is my dad, and he lives in Canada. Fuck.

58. A song you love by an artist/band you hate: “Save Rock n’ Roll” by Fall Out Boy. Okay, I don’t hate Fall Out Boy (that much anymore) and I never had a good reason for hating them anyway but. Yeah.

59. A song you love with a colour in the title: “9 Shades of Red” by Hedley

60. A song you love with a number in the title: “1741 (The Battle of Cartagena)” by Alestorm

61. A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about: Everything by Stam1na, but especially “Muistipalapelit”, which is unfortunate because it’s also the only Stam1na song I like.

62. A song that needs to be played LOUD: “Päät Pois Tai Hirteen” by Korpiklaani; “Hate Crew Deathroll” and pretty much everything else by Children of Bodom; anything by Dimmu Borgir; all of Alestorm and Korpiklaani’s booze songs; “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” by My Chemical Romance; “Red Flag”, “Man Alive!”, “Surprise Surprise”, “Viking Death March”, “Devil in a Midnight Mass”, “Louder Than The DJ”, and “Big Red Gun” by Billy Talent.

63. A song that makes you think about life: “Song of Myself” by Nightwish

64. 15 Songs that get stuck in your head easily:

“Don’t U Wait No More” by Red Velvet

“Deus In Absentia” by Ghost

“Ruuminmultaa” by Korpiklaani

“Shinjidai no Saga” (Donquixote Doflamingo’s character song)

“Wooden Pints” by Korpiklaani

“Hello Bitches” by CL

“NiNaNo” by Minzy

“Hello Kitty” by Avril Lavigne

“Children of the Smith” by Blind Guardian (it’s so good I don’t even care)

“Bad Boy Good Man” by Tape Five

“Lying Delilah” by Warmen

“My Oh My” by Girls’ Generation

“Heathens” by Twenty One Pilots

“Drink” by Alestorm

“Whistle” by Blackpink

65. A song that you think everyone should listen to: "Save Yourself, I’ll Hold Them Back” by MCR is definitely one, but I’ll never suggest it to anyone coz it means so much to me I can’t handle people hating it. :’) I feel like there are a few more that I listen to and go Everyone should hear this!!!! but I can’t for the life of me remember what they are...

66. A song that makes you want to fall in love: “Summertime” by My Chemical Romance

67. A song that makes you think about ‘him/her’: “Things I’ll Never Say” by Avril Lavigne; “You” and “Heart” by The Pretty Reckless; “Stand Up and Run” by Billy Talent; “Sight of the Sun” by Fun.

68. A song that you remember from your childhood: “Lintumies” by Freud, Marx, Engels & Jung

69. A song that reminds you of you: “Wrecking Ball” by Mother Mother; “World Behind My Wall” by Tokio Hotel; “Strange” by Tokio Hotel feat. Kerli; “Waiting for a Friend” by The Pretty Reckless; “They All Blame Me” by Warmen; “Terrible Things” by April Smith and the Great Picture Show; “The Escapist” by Nightwish; “Song of Myself” by Nightwish; “Rootless” by Marina and the Diamonds; and many more.

70. Okay what’s the real answer to number 1? The closest I can think of is “All About That Bass” by Meghan Trainor, and even that isn’t something I’m ashamed of, like who gives a shit? I’ve got Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana on my mp3 player, I’ve got the Tales From Moominvalley theme song, the Teen Titans theme in both English and Japanese, loads of One Piece music from OSTs to character songs, I’ve got the Pussycat Dolls and Hilary Duff and Babymetal, Avril Lavigne’s been one of my faves since her first single dropped, hell, I just re-downloaded the entire Trololol Song completely unironically. Why should I be ashamed? I like it. :P

[goldenwestborn]

Judy Corbisiero's Recollections of Women's Music in the 1970s

Interview conducted by Dennis McBride (questions/comments in italics) September 5, 2003; May 21, 2004; July 2, 2004; December 10, 2004′

Edited by Denise Boutin February-March 2009

The following is an excerpt from an oral history interview with Judy Corbisiero (available at the Las Vegas Gay Archives):

(excerpt found here)

How easy was it for you to finally admit, "Yeah, I'm gay." And use that word?

The only time I started coming out, really, to the public, was [when] I started producing women's music when I was living upstate New York with another woman named Janice, who was also at one time a lover of mine, and then we decided, you know, this is something we wanted to do. So we formed Summercor, Incorporated. That was her last name and my last name together—her last name was Summers (Janice Summers), and mine was Corbisiero, so we started Summercor, Incorporated. And that's what we used to do the women's music. And she really taught me everything I knew about doing women's music.

What time was that?

That was probably in the late '70s, because I moved here in '83.

The concept of women's music started coming into its own in the '70s, didn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, because Alix Dobkin was one of the first ones, and she was a very good friend of mine. She lived in Woodstock, New York, so that's where I met her. I met her when I was living upstate New York. In fact, after I was lovers with Janice, then Janice became lovers with Alix Dobkin, and then that's how I met Alix Dobkin, 'cause Janice brought her to meet me. We stayed friends, even though we broke up and everything; we still were always good friends. So I met Alix, and then I used to go around as a little groupie with Alix and Janice, doing her little gigs, wherever they went, 'cause she used to travel, and help her with the equipment. I had a great time meeting lesbians in other cities and countries. Just traveling with Alix, it was a lot of fun; I really got involved with that. So then when I moved here, to Vegas, I sort of missed that music scene 'cause I got to meet a lot of the different artists, lesbian artists, and when I came here nobody knew anything about women's music. And I was, like, totally shocked. It was like a real culture shock for me, moving here

I'd like to get into that later in more detail, but early, that you're talking about now—who were some of the other artists that you met back in the '70s?

Met personally? Debbie Fire, who was a jazz musician. Debbie Fire and Alix, mostly, and then River of Light Woman, who used to work with Alix Dobkin.

River of Light Woman?

River of Light Woman. That was a time, too, where everyone was changing their names, OK? So I don't know if that was River's real name. River obviously wasn't her real name, and then she changed it to Light Woman.

Stage name?

No, not even stage name. They really just changed their names. And then also during that time, what we did was.... My family was living in Long Island so I would be traveling back and forth every weekend to Long Island, so I made some friends in Long Island, too, that were lesbians that, when I needed to get away from the straight people in my family [Laughs] I found a place to go in Long Island. So, basically I became friends with some people there and friends with some people in upstate New York. So one time I proposed to them, "Hey, let's have a softball game, Long Island between upstate New York. You guys can come upstate New York, we’ll treat ya right, we'll have a softball weekend and a festival and everything.” So we did. We put it together. We had a softball game that lasted the whole weekend. We had a cruise—'cause we had the [Hudson] River right there—so we had a little cruise to start off the weekend. And then we went into the Women's Center and put on a dance that weekend. So they went a cruise first, went in to have a dance. Then the next morning we got up, we had breakfast together, we played softball, we were taking pictures the whole time—I don’t know who's got those pictures, I wish I had them—and then we had a pavilion on the softball field, so we had a couple of women that were belly dancers, so they were doing belly dancing for us at night with the percussion music and stuff, too.

You created a whole event.

Yeah, we created a whole event, the whole weekend event. Me and Janice, actually Janice and I, I should say. We put the whole thing together. And we had such a great time. It was so much fun. And the women from Long Island, I still have the picture they gave me; it's hanging in my bedroom. They gave me this picture and they mounted it and everything for me to thank me for doing the event because they had such a great time. And I don't even know who won, didn't matter. We just plain were having fun.

Did you and Janice do it again?

We did several. We did some political fundraisers, also, using music events and stuff back then. So I guess I got a little bit started in New York. That's how I met Gudrun [Fonfa], actually, was doing these things out in upstate New York.

Was she from upstate?

She had friends that were in the same area that I was living at the time and that's how I met her. And that's how we wound up coming to Las Vegas, was because of that.

How big a name did Summemrcor make for you as a producer of women's musical events?

Oh, it was only a local thing. Because upstate New York, there wasn't that many people. The only reason it made itself a name was because of Alix. So Alix was really the person that introduced me to a lot of other artists afterward, like [the] Olivia artists, and Chris Williamson, Tret Fure. Diedre McCalla, Linda Tillery, Marie Anan. You name them—Teresa Troll. Diane Davidson. I produced just about every lesbian artist that there was at the time out there.

That's very impressive. That's a great background and resume. How widely known were these artists? Of course, (they were known) among lesbians, but in the larger music scene?

That brings me to Vegas, though, with that kind of stuff. There was also an organization called.... What was the name of it? [Pauses] It was basically a women's music and culture organization and it came out of the.... Bloomingdale? Bloomfield? There's another big, major lesbian festival that happens in Bloomfield? I can't think of the right name—Indiana, somewhere in Indiana. So I met the woman from Indiana who produced this big, huge festival that happens. I met her in San Francisco, as a matter of fact—this was after moving to the West Coast, so I don’t know if I'm getting ahead of myself here. But at that, what we used to do—and this was just lesbians—we had this festival, and we'd have this conference that would be just for women that produced music. Anybody connected with women's music, so it would be your producers, anybody that wrote critical articles about them, your technicians like your sound people, lighting people, all came together. New artists, old artists, everybody came together at this festival. And what we'd do is look at new talent that was coming out at that point, and we'd also have seminars on how to be a better producer, how to direct, how to put a budget together. I mean, we taught each other. All that stuff.

That would be a fabulous background for all kinds of endeavors later on, not just producing music but coordinating political events.

And this was after I had already been doing it that I got involved with that. But I liked to go to those because you refresh yourself; you learn new organizing skills, plus I got to see new talent that nobody had seen yet, that I wanted to give a chance to. I brought somebody here [to Las Vegas].... Oh, jeez, I can't remember her name. I've got one of her CDs, I probably could show it to you. She was a comedian and singer and I saw her on one of what they call the day stages, which is the unknown.... Monica Grant! All right, that’s who it was. I saw her performing and Iliked’’ her, and I said, "I want to take you to Vegas, Baby!" [Laughs] And she was, like, "Really?" And I said, "Yeah, I'm serious." So I brought a couple of unknown people [to Las Vegas] and what I noticed in the community here is they tended to like the people that were comedians more than the singers. They didn't like the political messages. Like Alix Dobkin—they had heard for some reason, because of articles that were written, that she was a separatist. And she was, early on in her career, she was very much so a separatist. She didn’t even want any men in her audience at one time, or even little boys. No men’’! No testosterone whatsoever. But that was a phase that we all went through in the '70s, during the time they changed [their] names, there was a time when women were separatists. I wasn't part of that. I was never part of that.

Separatist feminists, the two-part moniker.

Right. I was never part of that. I came out probably just after that and they were just starting to realize that they couldn't do that, you know, anymore. But I was never a part of the genre. But I got accused of that in Nevada I don't know how many times. And I was never a part of that genre, OK? [Laughs] Never! So, I mean, in fact, I worked in a cement plant when I was living upstate New York and I was the only woman manager. I worked with all men! How could I be a separatist? A hundred and sixty men—everyday! [Laughs] People didn't know me, if they would say things like that, they didn't know my background. Didn’t know who I was.

[caressedorcrushed]

Starters "Nothing I ever do is right. I’m not good enough. It’s all wrong. Do this…Do that. Be this way. Be That way! Be you,…but not like that!”  Stomping back and forth Nathan spat under his breath before turning and swinging his hand at the lid of a trash can in the alley he had decided to have a little bit of a tantrum in “ Fuck you!  I am just…never going to be good enough! I am not, fucking, YOU! I’m me, and I am fucking pissed off!…and if you don’t fucking like that! Don’t bother pretending we are. …What kind of brother…Locks himself away in his bedroom, for weeks, because his god damn girlfriend is always out of town. What fucking good is that going to do, you fucking–” Picking the empty trash can up he flings it out of the alley toward a nearby sidewalk “Asshole! I am right here, after seventeen god damn years! And it’s not good enough for you!… I’ll just do everything…My god damn self… Stay, in your useless fucking room, being useless! It’s fine, I was the one abused, beaten, harassed for seventeen years, but you fucking just be selfish! Your girl friend is obviously more of a priority OUT of town, than I ever will have been, or will be. I am so fucking done!” Turning he kicked another trash can over, spilling out it’s contents onto the alley pavement “Is it too much to ask, for some god damn communication! Apparent-fucking-ly.– You are going to get to know the knuckles of my fist as they hit your face.”

#returned:starter January 18th 2018, 9:33:40 am · a month ago “It’s my birthday. Interesting.” Nathan mumbled a bit absently as he was sitting. He let out a breath then, humming lightly to himself.

#returned:starter 12 notes December 13th 2017, 9:56:01 pm · 2 months ago Staring up into the night sky Nathan watched the white snowflakes fall toward the snow covered ground “Hmm.” Squinting a little he tilt his head “First time feeling snow in a while.” He muttered, holding up his hands to catch the snowflakes in his hands. With a cute little grin he smiled down at the water building up in his palms. A stab of excitement hit him then. Tilting his head up he stuck his tongue out to catch a few snowflakes. A few seconds later he started to run across the park, still almost childlike. Then he dropped the ground and started to pull snow toward him, crushing some of the snow into snowballs and setting them beside him.

#returned:starter#Ignore the text#or don't lol 10 notes November 24th 2017, 6:22:34 pm · 3 months ago “She’s got the devils eyes and they’ll cut you like a weapon she’s stuck in my mind like a bad obsession.” Nathan mused, moving to rest his head in his hand, thinking of Isabella with a small grin “ All the boys say she was sent from the heavens but I’m not too sure that this girl is a blessing.” He continued absently spinning his phone on the table.

#returned:starter#idk ahah 16 notes October 22nd 2017, 10:20:56 am · 4 months ago Placing a hand on his head Nathan closed his eyes tightly, trying to calm himself down. It’s not real. I’m just…seeing things. Yeah. Just-Just tired. Swallowing he opened his eyes a little before forcing himself to move. Though a moment later he stumbled and bumped into someone who shoved him before shouting at him to watch where he was going  “S-sorry I-I.–Uuhh–” Inhaling sharply his arched back, a chill running down his spine and his chest tightening. Twitching he looked around before lifting his hand up and sobbed into it. This is so fucking stupid. I have to get out of here. Why …Right now!

#returned:starter#Sunday Starter#yay~ 18 notes October 13th 2017, 11:52:05 am · 4 months ago Sitting lazily in a chair at the hospital Nathan was slouching, his legs opening and closing as he stared in a haze at the tv screen just a few feet away from him. All around him he could hear others talking, but he couldn’t exactly make out the words anyone had been saying. It was all just a jumbled mess. Blinking his eyes shift slowly to meet a nurse as they walked over toward him and took a seat. Pulling himself up he moved to drop his head in his hand, groaning lightly as he did. The memory of the hospital melting then as the person who sat beside him asked if he were okay “Fine. Just having a bad reaction to the sun.” Standing then he started walking across the park.

#returned:starter 20 notes October 3rd 2017, 1:43:10 pm · 5 months ago Turning the phone over in his hand Nathan looked at the screen full of messages from people he hadn’t bothered to answer. Then he just chucked the phone into a nearby body of water before turning and walking away.  Oops.

#returned:starter 2 notes September 24th 2017, 11:54:41 am · 5 months ago Reaching out Nathan touched the mask of a costume and frowned “ Hm, it’s almost that time.”  He muttered before pulling the mask down from where it was to get a better look at it, before he then went to put it on. What month is it, September? Then it’s in a month or so. Halloween, fuuuun.

#returned:starter 3 notes September 6th 2017, 5:04:49 pm · 6 months ago Laying on his stomach, over a patch of grass, Nathan had a dorky little grin on his face as he brought over a pretty broken up toy through the air. His eyes shift up, following the toy as he played with it, some what in a haze. His eyes seemed to be big, like a child as he distracted himself. Grinning he laid his head at a tilt on his arm, humming to himself as he continued to move the toy around.

#returned:starter#I don't know what this is#But he needs a starter out there XD 22 notes August 15th 2017, 6:55:42 pm · 6 months ago Pacing, Nathan was chewing on the nail of an index finger,  his bruised face redder from apparently crying.  Brushing his fingers against his lips then he swallowed and paused.  Muttering for a moment to himself before he frowned and dropped his head into his left hand  “So bad…sooobaaad.”

#returned:starter 33 notes August 5th 2017, 6:33:22 am · 7 months ago Pulling the hood of his black hoodie up over his head, to hide the bandages and not be easy to spot in case someone wanted to finish the job in killing him. Though he doubted the disguise would work completely, it was all he had. He put on a pair of sun glasses he had stolen not long after waking up in the woods. Then placed the earbuds of his headphones in his ears and started to listen to music while looking at the phone he had been given. It wasn’t the most pleasant feeling in the world, the music vibrating through his head, when his skull was cracked and had barely, if at all even healed since it had only been a few days and for some reason, it still was acting like it almost just happened that day. But at the same time the music was calming, it helped a lot. Searching his phone he had been spend a lot of time recently just catching up on stuff he had been missing out in the last sixteen years of his life, and the phone was helping him to do that when he was out on the streets without supervision.

#returned:starter 2 notes July 26th 2017, 3:33:54 pm · 7 months ago Reaching out he tapped on the door in front of him, Austin’s door. He felt awkward being here, honestly. Like an unwanted guest. Like the other just felt obligated because of ‘blood’ reasons.  Like they were just trying to put on a show for accidentally forgetting him on purpose because Robert Douglas demanded it so.  Mindlessly he tapped the phone on the door, not really wanting the other to answer, and then he could just leave. After another moment he let out a breath. Feeling hungry he decided he was going to go get something to eat and turned, walking down the hallway. Once back out on the street he winced at the bright sunlight before turning away and walking, only to bump into someone.

#returned:starter 41 notes July 20th 2017, 3:45:50 pm · 7 months ago Laying on his back Nathan’s head was turned to his left, his left hand loosely wrapped around his face as he exhaled gently. His eyes shift under his eyelids as he breathes in, gently.  For the last twenty-four hours, he has done nothing more than sleep. Nathan had become completely consumed by his exhaustion over the last few weeks and his body just needed the rest. Wincing a bit his brows knit together slightly, the sweat on his forehead combining and slipping down the side of his slightly tilted his head. A small whimper escaped his lips as he head suddenly jerked before turning away from his hand, his breathing started to pick up speed as his mind started lighting up with signals to be worried “No. No. No… Don’t-” Nathan whispered, his voice cracking.

#Returned:Starter#No idea where he could be laying?#Anywhere honestly ahah 17 notes July 17th 2017, 2:40:31 pm · 7 months ago Sitting outside Nathan dropped onto the grass and pulled his legs up pressing them against his chest as he tried to make himself smaller against the building. So he could hide. Sucking in a deep breath he adjusted his head on his knees. He watched as a bird dropped down and started pecking at the grass a moment later, getting completely absorbed with the creature’s actions. His current state of mind is easily allowed to be distracted as it was still recovering from the head injuries he’d suffered and the entire mind fuck of Austin and Bethany, mostly Bethany lying to him.

#Returned:911#Returned:Starter#Events 21 notes July 9th 2017, 4:44:45 pm · 7 months ago Walking into the building, or more like being shoved into it, Nathan stumbled “Alright! Jeez, stop fucking touching me!” He snapped before he turned to look around the building. Blinking as some people seemed to stare at him in recognition. Austin. He reminded himself, even though the stitches on his forehead would have been a dead giveaway to anyone paying any sort of attention that he was in fact, not, Austin. Nathan narrowed his eyes on some people as he made his way across the room and then found a space to sit. Taking up a chair he brought his legs up, sitting lotus-style before he lifted up a magazine on guns from one of the tables to his side and started reading through it with little to no interest.

#Returned:911#Um sooo#okay#Hmm#Returned:Starter#Event 19 notes June 30th 2017, 7:51:54 pm · 8 months ago Pushing against the wall of a building Nathan let out a loud shout, it had sounded a bit too much more like a demon than something that would come from a human, as it was shredding his throat as it clawed its way out of him. He then pushed off the wall and paced for a moment before kicking his backpack further back into the alley “That fucking bitch! I will…-” Cutting off he made a brief strangling motion at the air “Isabella…Isabella… She’s ruining everything!” Nathan snapped before slamming his right fist into the top of a trash can, sending a bolt of pain up his arm hissing he pulled it away and in a fit of rage picked the empty trash can up off the ground and threw it out toward the street.

#Returned:Starter 23 notes June 24th 2017, 4:17:45 pm · 8 months ago Reaching into a ratty backpack he had lifted out of a trashcan some days ago Nathan pulled up a bag full of days old baked sweets. Of which he had dug out of the trash the other day from behind a bakery.  There wasn’t much work for someone who just got out of a mental hospital after all. He narrowed his eyes as he watched people walk by him as he took a bite, feeling as though they knew, and they were judging him and thinking he was disgusting. And so what if he were.  Dropping down onto a bench he hugged the backpack to his thin body and continued to watch people suspiciously “I need money.” Nathan muttered then before watching a few bee’s that were a few feet from him dancing around a flower. Blinking he observed the scene for a few moments before muttering “Bee…Does it still hurt…” to mostly himself. Dropping onto his side he curled up hogging the bench.

Closing his eyes he started to doze off. Which wasn’t odd since he could barely even sleep, and sleeping at night was a nightmare waiting to happen so Nathan mostly got his naps in throughout the daytime hours.  As he was slipping off to sleep he thought about his family and one of the many things he had in store for them, if he could even find them. He didn’t have any clue of where they were, of course. He figured this place, Killbourne, was a good place to start finding out. He would continue to try to get a job, and make enough money for gathering tools and items he would need in order to do what he had planned. Then he would search for them. When he would find them he would take all the things he gathered and start setting his plan into action, trapping them all. This was his plan, so far. Sucking in a breath he reached up and pulled the hood of his hoodie down over his eyes to block out the sunlight shining down onto the park he chose to rest in.

Paras austinxdouglas:

Austin had been in his room talking to his girlfriend on the phone. Since she’d been away he’s been locked up in his room a little more. He’d really missed her while she was away, when he heard the door closed he didn’t bother saying hi to his brother yet. “Yea sure, give me a minute.” He replied, after saying goodbye to his girlfriend he hung up and walked into the kitchen. “What’s up?”

Listening to his brother chatter away with his girlfriend, he stuck his tongue gently into his upper lip. Had he noticed Austin’s locking the door? Yes. But what else was new, Austin was never going to really, fully understand. Turning toward Austin when the other finally arrived he knocked his head toward them before moving closer to the other, smiling. With a slight tilt of his head he lift the knife up and pointed it toward Austin’s chest,  inches from his twins body, aimed right at a major artery “What are the quality of these knives? Do you think they will cut through meat like paper?” Pulling the knife up he frowned a little bit before resting the blade in the palm of his right hand “Are these professional? I bet you don’t even know…” He clicked his tongue at Austin then before turning his head away to look toward the door.

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#AustinPara#Austin 2 notes January 22nd 2018, 4:41:26 pm · a month ago Nathan let out a small breath as he entered the apartment, sighing a little bit as he walked toward the kitchen, moving toward the knives he reached over to pick out one. Lifting it up he looked it over, running a finger on his other hand along the side of it “Why does he have these, if he doesn’t cook?”  Shrugging then he turns, dropping the knife down from his face “Austin, can you come here for just a minute.”

@austinxdouglas

#Para#AustinPara#Austin 2 notes montana-rodes January 22nd 2018, 4:12:40 pm · a month ago nathan-douglas montana-rodes:

Montana shrugged. “Sure.” What was so complicated about that? She had gotten rather good at shutting things off over the years. Montana was looking back down at the phone in her hand, pretty uninterested. She herself was quite unfeeling and cold nowadays. She didn’t care much for sob stories or people spilling their emotions. As he spoke again, she looked up, not having expected it. Montana had already switched off. He shouldn’t have been born. Great. She held back a sigh and stared at him for a moment, not knowing what she could say.

Nathan stared up at her for a moment, unhinging his jaw as she replied to him. Or rather, there was not much of a reply. So there was not much else he could do or say to her. And he wasn’t going to stand there and have her looking at him the way she was. Blinking, he nods before he stood up, turned and walked away from her.

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#MontanaPara#Montana 12 notes gemmapearson January 19th 2018, 12:27:57 pm · a month ago nathan-douglas gemmapearson:

Gemma rolled her eyes. Why the fucking hell did he think? She didn’t say anything, averting her gaze again and looking down at her nails. “Yep. Nothing matters.”

“You, are a fucking moron. Why don’t you take your annoyance and go fucking stand over there.”  Nathan pointed at the end of the sidewalk, far away from him.

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#GemmaPara#Gemma 12 notes montana-rodes January 19th 2018, 12:20:30 pm · a month ago nathan-douglas montana-rodes:

“Just don’t think about it then.”

As she had said that he suddenly looked confused “Just stop thinking….About it?” It was a ridiculous suggestion. Of course, he understood she had no idea exactly who she had been talking to. To just stop thinking about something that seemed stupid to her, was like asking him to turn off a light switch. But for him it was like that light switch was on the other side of a fire pit, with some guillotines waiting to chop away at his body, along with poison darts ready to fire into him. The switch always being on the other side of that massive mind field of thinking he had for years armed himself with. And if he should ever make it to that light switch and just ‘turn off’ the trick was, all he would be met with was fucking electrocution “I can’t just stop thinking about it!” He started to giggle before laughing a little too much, a little bit too hard, for a moment. Then he paused before tearing up as a sadness struck him sudden, swelling in his chest, constricting his throat “I shouldn’t have been born.���

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#MontanaPara#Montana 12 notes montana-rodes January 18th 2018, 10:54:06 pm · a month ago nathan-douglas montana-rodes:

“You make it sound like you’d forgotten.”

“If only it would be so easy to forget I was born. When I’ve spent most of my life asking why I was…I hate this day.”

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#MontanaPara#Montana 12 notes gemmapearson January 18th 2018, 10:52:06 pm · a month ago nathan-douglas gemmapearson:

“What?” Gemma looked up, stunned at what he’d even said. She glanced around, panicked. “You shouldn’t say things like that out here.” She hissed as her head spun back round towards him. He should be more careful who he spoke to about being dead these days, regardless of whether Gemma had figured out herself that she was too. “But no. It doesn’t matter.” Nothing mattered.

“Oh? Why not?” He blinked then, staring at Gemma for a moment before sighing a little bit “It doesn’t matter.” Frowning a little bit he shrugs a shoulder “I guess that’s right, this doesn’t matter. Nothing Matters.”

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#GemmaPara#Gemma 12 notes gemmapearson January 18th 2018, 2:14:22 pm · a month ago nathan-douglas gemmapearson:

Gemma rolled her eyes as she looked up and saw who it was who was mumbling. Great. Mister Mental. She scoffed, looking away again. As if she actually gave a damn.

Slowly he looked over after Gemma had scoffed at him. He narrowed his eyes a little before letting out a breath “Do you think it matters? If you are dead, does having a birthday even have a point? What about if no one ever cared you were even born in the first place…Birthday’s were celebrated mostly for marketing purposes. But still, it’s meant to make the person born feel important, special. All I’ve felt on my birthday, for a long time…Is empty.” Much like how he often felt. Nathan looked away then, humming again as he was thinking.

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#GemmaPara#Gemma 12 notes austinxdouglas January 9th 2018, 5:31:30 am · a month ago nathan-douglas austinxdouglas :

Austin saw how Nathan’s attitude changed very quickly, “I meant later,” He added looking at his brother, “Like New Years, we can make it then cause we’re gonna get drunk for sure, and then we’ll have fresh pizza for when we get home.” He could feel his mouth water, “Right now, we’ll make cookies, what kind of cookie did you want to make? Should we add peppermint in for that festive touch?” He added with an upbeat attitude hoping that would reflect well on Nathan. “Okay, then what’s your favourite genre out of all of them? Or rate them, top three?”

Nathan could clearly tell the other was lying about that. But he didn’t say anything about it, because it really didn’t matter “Okay. …We are going to get drunk?” He asked then, a little confused, this was all still very weird. Nathan was wondering why Austin wasn’t spending this day with his own family. Exhaling he looked to one side, thinking “White cookies, with white chocolate would be good for the peppermint.” Smiling at the other then, faintly, he blinked softly before thinking for a moment “I like treatise, science, and fantasy.”

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#AustinPara#Austin 11 notes emily--wentworth January 5th 2018, 1:33:43 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas emily–wentworth:

Sometimes it was nice working the day shift. But knowing her, she would probably pick up another shift. Emily needed the distraction that work offered, she missed Elena that pain of losing her would never go away. And she felt bad, because she felt like she was neglecting Miranda. And yes, she did miss Mason. Right now though she didn’t want to think about it, instead she turned to the person at the bar. “What can I get you?” She asked, a small smile on her face.

“A new life and a new family would be fucking great, if you have that in stock. But I don’t imagine you do.” Nathan said, sounding like he was joking as he took a seat and watched her, grinning “Not unless you are a fairy god mother, right?” Shaking his head then he moved to bring his left arm up to rest on the bar before lifting his hand and placing his head in it “Some soda would be good.”

#Para#EmilyPara#Emily 3 notes austinxdouglas January 4th 2018, 10:38:03 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas austinxdouglas:

“No! Not always, I mean Kristine was going to teach me some things, and I can make a sandwich and cereal!” He argued which didn’t help since those were basically mindless. “Oh shut up.” He laughed lightly, shaking his head. He raised his eyebrows in shock to hear what his brother could make, “You can make pizza from scratch?!” He was truly shocked, “Dude! Come on, let’s do that! Let’s make that!” He could be super down for a homemade pizza, that would be unreal to him.

“Uh, I don’t read that many if I’m honest. I mean, I did a lot in high school when I would commute on the bus, but I don’t commute that much anymore. I loved action, or mysterious kinds of books though. What about you?”

Nathan could only look at the other looking disappointed for a brief second, he didn’t want to make a pizza from scratch, with Austin. It didn’t seem very christmasy to him. He wanted a normal chrismasy thing, cookies. He nodded though “Sure, okay, Austin. We’ll make a pizza from scratch.” The smile dropped off his face then and he looked away.

“Oh. Huh.” He could honestly tell.  Nathan pressed at the buttons on the control in his hands and sat silently for a long moment before shrugging haplessly and slowly looking over back toward Austin “I read everything.”

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#AustinPara#Austin 11 notes montana-rodes January 4th 2018, 4:37:31 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas montana-rodes:

Montana became rather irritated as he started talking. She hadn’t asked for his life story, nor did she care about his feelings. She concealed her impatience and her frustration as she waited for him to finish talking, the laughter grating on her. “Right.” There was no reason for Montana to hold him any longer and the other guy was long gone. Nothing really happened and she wanted to enjoy her coffee in peace and try to salvage the rest of this day. “Well, stay out of trouble.” Montana said to him as she turned, though making a mental note to keep her eye on that one.

At her slightly dry response to his reply he let out a small breath. Guessing that when officers were basically told ‘fuck the police’, he would get this response.  Nathan watched her intently as she seemed to be thinking of something, perhaps deciding he could offer her no more on the guy who had walked down the alley, or on himself. Thus just chalking him down as another hoodlum, of which the town was full up on, he supposed this was the best way he could have gone about the interaction. At her last comment he lift his head up slightly, nodding toward her “Thanks. You too. Copper.” He gave her a more genuine smile this time before turning and walking opposite from her down the sidewalk.

Source: montana-rodes #Para#MontanaPara#Montana 13 notes montana-rodes January 4th 2018, 4:23:23 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas montana-rodes:

Montana’s suspicions raised at his response. It was unusual for somebody who wasn’t up to anything wrong to not comply with the police. It was painless to give a surname and go back on with your day. It only made her study him a little more. “If you haven’t done anything wrong then where’s the harm?” What was he and that guy really up to? She was sure it was something now.

As odd as it all would appear to have been on the outside, and indeed it was odd for him not to give a last name to her. But his reasons were that he didn’t like authoritative figures, let alone trust them.  After growing up the way he had, it was least likely any ‘grown up’ would make him budge on certain things, if anything. The twenty-three year old squint a bit at her when she spoke, then “Well, there’s no harm, inherently in your asking for one. But I’ve grown up in a way that has ultimately taught me that Authority is as about as helpful to me as a wet paper bag is in carrying cans, without the arm support on the bottom, get it?” Nathan laughed a little bit, teasing.

Source: montana-rodes #Para#MontanaPara#Montana 13 notes montana-rodes January 4th 2018, 3:07:36 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas montana-rodes:

Montana treated everybody this way. She didn’t trust and it kept her safe. This was simply the way she had been made. She would run his name through the database later, when she was back at work, just to make sure he wasn’t trying to pull a fast one. The way that other guy had acted and scarpered like that… it didn’t sit right with Montana. “Do you have a surname, Robert?” Montana asked, folding her arms across her chest. “I’m a police officer.” She added, in case he couldn’t figure out why she was asking. It’s not like she was in uniform. “Not trying to steal your identity or anything.” It was an attempt at a joke but it came out dry, with little humour attached, and no trace of a smile.

“I could?” He said, not at all planning on giving it to her. Because he could guess that if anyone went looking around for a ‘Robert Douglas’ they would eventually end up on his father, which he didn’t mind so much. It was the next thing she had said that had made him decided to never tell her his last name “Ah, well– As I am not being detained. I don’t know why I would need to give it to you. I’ve done nothing wrong. Maybe I have no last name? Like that lady, Cher? ”

Source: montana-rodes #Para#MontanaPara#Montana 13 notes montana-rodes January 4th 2018, 1:07:54 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas montana-rodes:

Montana just stared back at him, not cracking a smile in return as she waited for a better explanation. “Right. Okay.” Though to her it had seemed a bit more than that but she could let it slide right now, she supposed. “What’s your name?” She asked, deciding to file that away at least.

She didn’t believe him, he could tell. But there was really nothing more she was going to get out of him, on the subject.  When she asked his name he figured, well, he couldn’t give her his name. He was dead, and though he had no idea what this woman was like, he couldn’t very well go around giving away a dead guys name, his name, to strangers. It would definitely send off major red flags, so he gave off one he thought would be interesting, if not have a funny pay off later “Name is Robert.” Now, of course, he could have just used Austin’s name. The fact being, Nathan had figured, that, while they were identical-ish, twins, they had looked strikingly different to anyone paying attention. Nathan was scrawnier than Austin, Nathan had scars all over his body. He was a complete person, outside of having the same face as Austin, even that was an easy tell, their spots were opposite of one another, a mirror image. Ultimately, Austin’s naivety would give it all away in about five seconds after meeting them.

Source: montana-rodes #Para#MontanaPara#Montana 13 notes montana-rodes January 3rd 2018, 7:24:54 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas montana-rodes:

Montana shook her head slightly at the response she got. “Right. I’m sure he has.” She turned her gaze up the alleyway again, looking the way the other had gone. She’d had half a mind to chase after him. “So, who was that?” She asked, brushing off his apology. She needed to get names and everything straight round here.

“I mean, that’s a good excuse, right?” He grinned a bit, before unhinging his jaw a little, running his tongue over one of his canines as he thought about what he could have said instead of what he had eventually ended up saying. At her question though he brought his attention back to her “Just a–ah.. Guy.  I have business with.”  Nathan shrugged a little bit, not really knowing what else to say to that. He had business with that guy, so he didn’t feel as though he were lying.

Source: montana-rodes #Para#MontanaPara#Montana 13 notes montana-rodes January 2nd 2018, 2:03:52 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas montana-rodes:

Montana was sipping her coffee when it happened. She felt the body of another collide with her and she almost dropped it completely but managed to keep her fingers clasped around the cup. “Hey!” She snapped, immediately turning around to face them but unluckily the culprit was already hauling ass away back up the alley and round out the other side. “Asshole.” She muttered under her breath, a bit unprofessionally but she wasn’t technically on the clock, before turning her attention to the guy. “Are you alright? What was that about?”

Looking at the other when she asked if he were alright he turned to face her better. Nodding then he lift up his right hand, rubbing it against his left arm for a moment “Yeah. I’m great.  My uh– He’s just…Got a lot of emotions, about …stuff.” Nathan’s right hand then moved to adjust the glasses better on his face as he let out a huff of a laugh and glanced down the alley, staring for a long moment before shaking his head and looked back toward her “Holidays really seem to be getting to people lately, right… Uh.. Sorry, for, um, getting pushed into you?”

Source: montana-rodes #Para#MontanaPara#Montana 13 notes sashaxparker January 1st 2018, 6:27:09 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas sashaxparker:

“You won’t?” Sasha wondered if you could really just decide a thing like that. She had this idea in her head about the years going by and becoming older and wiser and more boring as they did. Ageing didn’t seem appealing. Though some days she did feel older than her years. “Oh, cool.” She smiled when they said they were twins. “I always thought that would be fun, to have a twin.”

“Naah. It seems complex, to do that.” Nathan frowned a little, having already come to terms with such a thing years ago. What had been the point? When it got you no where, got you nothing, to grow up seemed stupid to him anyway, without the seventeen years being imprisoned against his will. But because of what he had been through, it hadn’t even seemed important to do so. There was no future for him, no one cared what he would have been like. Because everyone had already made their judgments, they had designated him a monster, a killer, without a body count. “I guess.” He muttered to her ‘cool’.  As she said she thought it would be fun he looked at her, grinning a little sadly  “It …can be. But there’s the aspect that…there’s a favorite.” And he was not the favorite, obviously. “I guess that’s just my jealousy, sorry. Yeah, it was fun, once. Having a twin brother.”  Austin might as well have been the one that died, in his perspective, because it didn’t feel the same. He was still an outcast, wasn’t he? Rolling another ball of snow up he stared at the balls he had made already then sighed.

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#SashaPara#Sasha 10 notes montana-rodes January 1st 2018, 6:14:32 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas montana-rodes:

Montana wasn’t interested in festivities. ‘New Year’ wasn’t important. Nothing changed just because the calendar moved on and people were too hung up on this time of year. It was irritating. She had grabbed a coffee before everything closed early and was walking around, sipping her drink and keeping her eyes peeled for any odd behaviour. She needed to be on the alert after all. The dead were on the loose and that was no good for anybody.

“Alright, alright! Stop–Get off of me!” He plead as one of the local gang members pulled at his shirt before shoving him into a wall, before pointing a finger at him and threatening him about something gang relate. As Nathan, for several long months now has been being used by them after a very odd run in with one of their members who basically had him kidnapped or something of the sort, indebted to them for the injury he had inflicted on the other gang member, embarrassment played a huge part. With that he was punched in the face before being shoved away from them out of the alley and right into Montana. The gang member had been halfway gone before Nathan could recover enough to assess the damage to his face, let alone acknowledge stumbling into the other “Ow ow…” Adjusting the sunglasses one his face he frowned then as he pulled his hand away.

#Para#MontanaPara#Montana 13 notes austinxdouglas December 30th 2017, 4:30:28 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas austinxdouglas:

Austin didn’t have a reason why he wouldn’t believe him, this was a guy’s kind of joke. Austin knew some friends who were too invested in their pranks for their own good, Austin figured Nathan could be that same kind of person. “Alright, maybe I would have” He spoke looking at his brother at the mention of the mental hospital. Austin was hoping one day they could talk about it and not have it be an elephant in the room.. He wanted for the ward to be something either he or Nathan could feel comfortable bringing up.

Austin shook his head gently while shrugging his shoulders, “Well, I don’t know. I mean, read books, games? I didn’t think cooking was going to be an option. So what can you make?” He asked curious about what his brother could possibly make in the kitchen. “Well, I know how to cook pasta?” He added giving himself a little credit, “And I can put a pizza in the oven.” he shrugged his shoulders, “I get by.”

Looking down at that, he didn’t like it. He didn’t like being dead. He didn’t feel right about it. He was dead, and he never actually, truly got to be alive. And it was just, really weird. “Yeah…” He said then as he stared at the screen of the tv.

“You didn’t? Did you expect to just live on take out and premade pizza’s–whatever you could pop in the microwave, your entire life? Kristine must be looking forward to that.”  He commented dropping his eyes down to the others waistline for a brief moment before smiling up at Austin again “Oh, you do? Wow. That’s amazing.” He tried to sound excited, but it was pasta, it wasn’t exactly a challenge to make such a thing.

“I can make all sorts of things, desserts mostly. But other kinds of food as well. I can make a pizza from scratch.” He mumbled as he turned his attention back to the tv spacing out as he played for a moment before saying “What books do you read?”

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#AustinPara#Austin 11 notes peytonsaundersx December 29th 2017, 4:48:12 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas peytonsaundersx:

Peyton’s eyes narrowed, there was no way she was in the mood to deal with anyone’s shit today. She smirked, stepping to one side “Here you go, the shelf you’ve been longing for, for so long.” She really couldn’t believe how rude some people could be at times she’d rather not stoop to their level, but there was something about him that had just instantly grated on her “take your precious item and then do the world a favour and fuck off back to the pit you’ve crawled from.”

With the Peyton picked up the items she wanted from the other self, placed them in her basket and headed to the checkouts.

Nathan narrowed his eyes a bit on her as she narrowed hers on him. As was per the usual for him to do to anyone who glared at him. He had grown up on those looks from the staff and others in the hospital. Why should he have to meet with with any other look.  As she finally moved he went to grab the cooking items, so he could actually make Austin something and the other wouldn’t have to buy take out. Placing it in a basket with his other items he continued to listen to the other as she then, for no reason, went on “I’ll…be sure to do that.” He looked her over before turning and walking away from her.  A few moments later he moved to a self checkout and was leaving the store.

Source: peytonsaundersx #Para#PeytonPara#Peyton 26 notes peytonsaundersx December 27th 2017, 12:36:08 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas peytonsaundersx:

Now that Christmas is almost over, can we please go back to some normality. It’d be nice to buy a loaf of bread without having to wait forever in the line.  

Nathan eyed the woman, suspiciously “Get out of my way.”

#Para#PeytonPara#Peyton 26 notes peytonsaundersx December 28th 2017, 2:00:24 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas peytonsaundersx:

Peyton rolled her eyes, waiting having to wait for a simple purchase was one thing but have to deal with idiotic ass-holes was a whole new level. “I’m pretty sure there was another word you where supposed to add to the end of that sentence,”

Nathan inhaled deeply. Being raised with out parents and in a mental hospital among the most unstable people in town, that had to be locked away and forgotten about, Nathan had been sucked off all his politeness and manners. And so, Nathan grinned “Oh, yes. I did forget a word.” He paused, huffing, before rolling his jaw a little, cracking the bone and then speaking once again “Get out of my way, bitch. I need to get to what you are standing in front of, and you’ve been standing there for five minutes looking at the other shelf.” He gestured to the other side of the aisle.

Source: peytonsaundersx #Para#PeytonPara#Peyton 26 notes austinxdouglas December 27th 2017, 10:14:32 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas austinxdouglas:

“Oh!” He yelled at the news about there being yellow snow, “Gross!” He immediately sprung up on his feet spitting at his tongue not even sure if he got any snow in his mouth but spitting it out just in case. Austin ran into the warm and shower and came out with some sweatpants and a t-shirt, similar to what he was wearing to bed. "Yea, and if I hadn’t ordered that food both of us would starve so which would you prefer?” he asked rhetorically as his brother stated he knew how to bake it surprised him. “You do? How?”

Nathan wasn’t sure how Austin so easily believed that he had actually put piss snow in that snowball. But if the other were going to just believe him, he wasn’t going to tell them otherwise. Maybe that was a lesson for the other.  Because Nathan had not done that, and had made sure to grab some of the purest snow he could, because he wasn’t going to throw piss snow at his brother. When Austin had returned Nathan continued to stare at the tv screen and sit on the floor playing the game “Uh-huh, Well you might have.”  He pointed out before turning his head, looking toward the other when they asked about how he knew how to bake.

He smiled shaking his head “Well, I was in an mental hospital for seventeen years Austin. What do you think goes on there. More importantly, what do you think I did there the whole time?”  Which was probably a good thing for them to talk about… “No, apparently, learning shit helps to keep calm. I was allowed to do all sorts of things, there. Learn a trade, even though I wasn’t really ever going to get out… They still had me go to a cooking class. Wait, How do you not know how to cook and live by yourself?”

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#AustinPara#Austin 11 notes sashaxparker December 27th 2017, 12:30:05 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas sashaxparker:

Sasha didn’t want to think about her brother much right now. She’d used to idolise him so much… and now things were different. She hadn’t heard from him in days.. maybe it was longer. She supposed everything changed as you got older but Sasha found change hard. Especially now. With…. everything. “My brother’s always busy too.” She said when he seemed to get excited about them both having that in common. She giggled. “He is, yeah.. what about yours?”

“Mm, being an actual real life adult sucks. I’m glad I’ll never officially be one.” He muttered offhandedly before reaching out to grab more snow in his hands. He didn’t know if he could handle being ordered around by people who didn’t know how to deal with him. The only career he could see himself having was a career criminal, maybe a serial killer. That thought made him stiffen slightly before swallowed pushing it away from his mind when Sasha asked how old his brother was “Oh, we are twins. I don’t know who is older.”

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#SashaPara#Sasha 10 notes austinxdouglas December 25th 2017, 9:39:40 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas austinxdouglas:

Usually, Austin would spend Christmas with his family, this year everyone was everywhere so he stayed home. As he slept peacefully not caring at all about what time it could be, that was all pushed aside when he suddenly felt something very cold and very strong hit his face. He gasped as he got up in his bed and wiped his face from the wet snow, “Wha-wha-” without another thought he was suddenly pushed off the bed. “Whoa!” He exclaimed as he hit the ground. He groaned getting up a bit to look at him, “Give me a minute, I need to shower this prank off.” he chuckled shaking his head. “Sure, but I’m pretty shit at baking… and cooking in general.”

“Oh, of course. I want to tell you, I made sure to add the yellowest snow I could find to that snowball.” Pulling away then he slid off onto the floor on the opposite side of the bed before standing up and running a hand through his hair, letting out a sigh nods “I kind of assumed that, Austin. Seeing as you order food a lot.” He flicked at his hair before holding his hand out a bit from his face “Not to worry, I guess. I know how to bake. I guess we’ll just need the ingredients though.” Turning away he left the room a second later, and a few moments after that noises from the tv began to sound off, as if he were playing a video game. Which he was, as he waited on Austin to do whatever.

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#AustinPara#Austin 11 notes December 25th 2017, 3:12:15 pm · 2 months ago Watching Austin sleep for the last few seconds Nathan smiled a bit as an idea hit him. Pulling away he walked away from the room before leaving the apartment. A few minutes later he was hurriedly walking back through the other males apartment. Moving his left hand he tossed it out, sending a snowball flying right into Austin’s sleeping face “Wake up! It’s Christmas, scrub!” Moving over he dashed toward the bed before jumping into it and shoving the other right off the mattress. Dropping onto his stomach then he smiled “Want to make cookies?”

@austinxdouglas

#Para#AustinPara#Austin#No rush of course#just get to this whenever you are able!~ But still#I couldn't resist#XD 11 notes austinxdouglas December 22nd 2017, 5:01:15 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas austinxdouglas:

Austin sighed as he only got a sarcastic reply, at the mention of wanting to sleep he nodded. “Okay, fine, okay.” He spoke not angry or pissy in any way, just simply stating he understood. “You can sleep at my place if you want. I’ll order us some food or something when we get there.”

Staring at the other he frowned a little bit. Nathan knew the other would not understand the sort of exhaustion he was feeling. He nodded then and looked away from his brother.  He guessed that Austin would probably still need to learn how his mind had worked. Dropping his head then he nods, stumbling over his feet then as he almost dosed off while he was walking. Jerking his head back up he blinked batting away the sleepy feeling “Sure.”

Source: austinxdouglas #Para#AustinPara#Austin 59 notes austinxdouglas December 22nd 2017, 4:43:18 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas austinxdouglas:

“Oh, okay.” He didn’t say much about it because he wasn’t sure how to bring it up to her, he didn’t even think that she may have run into him on her own. He decided to drop the idea of asking him more questions about that topic and moved on. His main focus was to help Nathan get normal again, as he began to talk about how Austin hated him and he was a pain Austin didn’t know how to reply. He wanted to help and comfort him in some way though he was at a loss, this was so new to him. A part of him wished Bethany was here, she was good at this, this was what she wanted to do with her life. Who knew if they’d let her pursue her dream job she’d actually be a help. That idea clicked in his head and brought a furry in him towards his parents, they were so scared of having Nathan be known amongst their family they didn’t think of the fact that if he was more included and Bethany went to psychology she could have helped him. She would have his best interests at heart, having this run through his brain pushed him further at wanting to do what he could to help his brother.

As Nathan put his thumb in his mouth, Austin decided to stay present but silent, he didn’t want to interrupt whichever method was going to help him calm down, though he’d made a mental note to try to talk to Nathan later in a calm manner about what and who he sees. Austin watched as Nathan began to calm his breathing and his entire aura became more calm and relaxed. “Hey, you okay?” Austin asked hoping for a solid answer and not a sarcastic one. Austin stood with Nathan, he looked back at the grave and although he should be relieved he was confused. “O-okay.” He spoke and followed his brother towards the exit and towards his car. “We can come back after dark.” He stated again.

Nathan gave Austin an exhausted look as they asked if he were okay. Of course he wasn’t, and he didn’t know how to not answer sarcastically, letting out an exhausted sigh, his shoulders slouched “I’m sorry, were you here, or somewhere else just a few seconds ago?” He mumbled, sounding absolutely drained. A moment later when the other repeated what they said he let out another breath “I just want to sleep, Austin. Okay…I don’t fucking care right now…”

Source: austinxdouglas #Para#AustinPara#Austin 59 notes austinxdouglas December 18th 2017, 4:31:52 am · 2 months ago nathan-douglas austinxdouglas:

As Nathan explained to him it was his fault, he truly felt more and more guilty because everything he was saying was true. Although Austin believed he was in a weird and odd situation it still didn’t mean everything Nathan was saying was a lie. Austin wasn’t sure how to reply, he looked down in shame and stuck the end of the shovel into the ground. He wanted to apologize though he wasn’t sure how a simple ‘i’m sorry’ wouldn’t fix anything. When Nathan had mentioned Kristine he furrowed his eyebrows, “She… what? When did you two meet? How did you two meet?” He tried not to ask it in such an accusing tone though he remembers the early days when Nathan would pretend to be him. It made his blood boil to think Nathan would have played a trick like that on his own girlfriend.

As Nathan began to hyperventilate he made sure to stay at eye level with his brother. It was time someone trusted him, someone believed his side of the story. Austin decided that would be him. Why was he treating him like a homeless stranger off the streets? This was his brother, no matter that he didn’t know him, this wasn’t how he would treat Bethany or Grace, why should he treat Nathan any different? As his words didn’t seem to help Nathan at all, he began to worry a bit. Austin immediately dropped his shove when he fell to the ground, “Nate, listen to me okay? Let’s go home, we can come back later. Sometime when it’s not as noticeable.” He offered, “Okay? Just calm down, focus on your breathing, or something. Close your eyes and focus.”

“Sh-she ran in-into one of those task force guys, who knocked her books on the ground.” Of course Kristine didn’t say anymore to him about the picture, as he was having another fit at the time and was all over the place then. He probably had been told more and just couldn’t remember it at the moment. Blinking he let out a few struggled gasps “I wasn’t doing anything.” He then said, as if he were doing something, not to Kristine of course. But there had been a reason behind why he was there, at that moment. When the task force officer had run into her.

Looking around he swallowed hard, trying to focus on Austin as the other spoke, but it was of course very difficult when he didn’t have anything that normally would have helped in situations like these. And even if he did have something, those somethings wouldn’t work. He was on his own with this, a fish out of water, gasping as it slowly died in the foreign world it had been yanked into. Bringing his eyes back to the other he continued to tear up, panic taking over as shadows from the corners of his eyes crept around them, even though it was in the middle of the day “I-I can’t…I can’t ca-calm down…I-it’s too…t-to-too hard.” He paused, his breath catching in his throat as his eyes started to drift again toward a creeping shadow before they jerked back to Austin. Closing his eyes tightly he whispered about something not being there, not being real.

Bringing his hands up to his eyes then he let out a little sob apologizing to Austin “I’m sorry–I’m trying…I’m trying to–But I’m– …I don’t mean to be-be ah- heh –I know you hate me. I kno-Know I am not making-M aking th-thi-iss e-eeasy…I’m a-ah burden–I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m not what any of you w-wanted.That I am hard to-to lllike. I can’t contr-trol this on my my own–please please…They’re everywhere, whispering, I see them-Shadows. I s–I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this– I just want it to stop! Please.” Taking in a deep breath he held it pressing his face into his hands before unconsciously his left hand moved down, his thumb absently sliding into his mouth.

A moment later the tears and terrified look on his face faded almost completely as a dulled subdued look came over him. Almost completely calmed, his right hand pet along the hair on the right side of his face. His breathing tapered off into something more manageable then. A few moments after eerie silence and immaturely sucking on his thumb he finally pulled it out and shakily began to move, pushing himself up from the ground looking absolutely more exhausted than he did normally. These sort of things took a lot of out him whenever they happened, and they had been happening frequently since he woke up in the woods. Staring at Austin then he let out another breath before closing his eyes and dropping his head down, almost embarrassed as he wiping his thumb off on his pants and began to walk away from the grave, toward the exit “Come on. Let’s go. There’s no point in digging it up, or in coming back.”

Source: austinxdouglas #Para#AustinPara#Austin 59 notes sashaxparker December 15th 2017, 8:13:11 am · 2 months ago nathan-douglas sashaxparker:

Sasha gave a little nod when he said she’d outgrown it. “Yeah. Maybe.” She felt older somehow lately, despite her sixteen years. Things just felt heavy, like she was suffocating, and she didn’t have it in her for much cheer or Christmas spirit. She used to love winter, too. Sasha moved to sit down on a bench nearby, wiping off some of the snow, and folded her arms as she listened to him. He seemed content enough with her not saying a whole lot, which was nice enough. “Yeah?” She remembered when her own brother had been around enough to do all that stuff with, when she’d been nothing but an innocent kid. “I’m sure he will when he’s less busy?” She tried to be positive but she shrugged a little. “I’d offer to help but I left my gloves at home.” Sasha scrunched her nose a little bit, before glancing down at his question. “Uh, yeah. I have a brother.”

He shook his head, feeling a bit bad for her. Or maybe just everyone in general, who got older. Most people let themselves be fooled by the illusion of adulthood. That they had to be mature. Nathan had never had that burden. He had never had to deal with anyone killing his inner child. Though at the same time he had to grow up far quicker than most that were his age. Contently he continued what he had been doing. He loved this time of year. He had always loved Christmas, though of course in the last seventeen years his Christmas’ had not been anything worth enjoying. But still, his love for this time of year had always remained. “He’s always busy.” Nathan said. Thinking about how Austin treated him, or just how Austin was always working.

He realized in all these months Austin spent more time thinking about how to deal with him, and not really getting to know him “Hopefully he stops being busy soon, so we can enjoy our time together.” He wondered how much time this all would last, where he could spend time with his siblings. Nathan had to guess that it would probably not last as long he would like. He was dead. And he had no idea what that really meant. As Sasha spoke again he glanced toward her and put on another smile “Yeah.” He answered, not wearing much winter clothing himself, just a few layers of shirts with a hoodie on top and a pair of skinny jeans he had found during the summer. “A brother!?  We both have brothers. That’s cool. Is he your older brother?”

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#SashaPara#Sasha 10 notes sashaxparker December 14th 2017, 5:41:05 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas sashaxparker:

“Really?” Sasha smiled, somehow brightened up a little bit just by the sight of him seemingly having so much fun - and not seeming embarrassed or held back about it. “That’s cool then.” Lucky for him it had snowed then. “Oh.” Sasha gave a little shrug at his question, glancing around the park briefly. Maybe looking for an escape route in case she needed one. “I guess I’m not really in the mood to be honest. Why don’t you make a snowman?”

Nathan gave a small nod patting his hands gently over the ball of snow in his hand “Really.”  Looking at her he blinked, a little confused fr a moment before giving a smile “It is, really cool.” Going back to playing with the snow Nathan didn’t notice her looking around. When she spoke he looked toward her once again “No? Oh. Guess you have outgrown it. You were able to enjoy it as a kid.” Nathan scooped up some more snow, grinning sweetly, softly as he made another ball from it “ A Snowman wouldn’t be bad! I really should! I- I-” He laughed a bit “My brother and I used to make snowmen all the time. A snowman army.” Lifting up another handful of snow he started to make another ball “He’s too busy to do stuff like this. I’ll just have to build one by myself. Maybe one day he’ll join me. I hope.” Placing the ball next to the others he looked at Sasha “Do you have any siblings?”

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#SashaPara#Sasha 10 notes austinxdouglas December 14th 2017, 3:51:35 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas austinxdouglas:

“Nate I was just a kid! What do you expect from me? Do you think the second you left things were easy? I bet you they weren’t, you were my brother, at the time I probably asked for you all the time.” He argued, though that was the only thing he said. Because listening to Nathan as he vented while hitting his gravestone, everything he was saying was true in some way. Nathan couldn’t understand the dynamic of his family, their dad was tried his best, they both tried their best.

When Nathan threw his shovel Austin stood there not sure what to do, he just watched his brother’s headstone get completely broken in two. Watching Nathan get so heated and angered by their conversation he noticed this face again. He noticed this reaction, he noticed this pronunciation of his name. “Nate?” He spoke before standing in front of him, wanting to find a way to calm him down. “Nate relax, relax. You know what you’re right. You’re right about everything. What dad did was wrong, what mom didn’t do was wrong. She should have stuck up for you. I believe you, okay? I believe you not them.”

“I know you were a kid, Austin!  But you still forgot about me. Let that fucking bastard tell you lies about me! And you still believed them even until earlier this year! That I was made up! That I didn’t exist! And when you knew that I did! You still believed him! That makes you accountable. NOT for what you couldn’t do Then. But for what you helped do after, before this!” He pointed toward the gravestone. “Do you understand! I am dead! And that is all of your FAULT! No matter how little or big a part you played! You all helped each other play it! And I was murdered for it!–Your girlfriend told me all about that picture you two found!”

Gripping at his head, he gasped for air, trying to not choke on the thickness building in his throat. Swallowing he shakes his head as he hears Austin “I can’t, there’s too much going on. My head.”  Wincing he dropped a bit, closing his eyes tightly as he tried to shake away the feeling in his head, the thoughts that were cramming into it, he felt like his head would explode. He could hear what Austin was saying, but it had just filled in with the rest of his thoughts. Looking up at the other, he pant, sweat building on his face. He continued to stare at Austin. Not knowing what to think of what the other had just said to him.

With a choppy breath, he inhaled, dropping a hand to his chest as his breaths clung in his throat. Feeling dizzy he dropped to the ground, sitting down. The panic taking over his entire body. His face turned red, tears welling in his eyes as he continued to struggle for air “T-tin-Tin-tin…I can’t-can’t…heh, heh.” Nathan coughed, trying to jog something from his swelling throat.

Source: austinxdouglas #Para#AustinPara#Austin 59 notes austinxdouglas December 14th 2017, 2:55:28 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas austinxdouglas:

Austin listened to his brother contently, he hated hearing what he’d gone through. The more he was hearing it the more he was getting angry at his seven-year-old self, and his family.  “Hey!” He spoke looking at Nathan’s gravestone and noticed the month and year he died. “This is when you died?” He asked it as a rhetorical question before she was thinking back to when his mom began her depression. As he was going to on with his point his thoughts were interrupted. “First off, We don’t know each other well enough to be throwing judgements at each other. Second I am supportive, but this isn’t smart. Third, don't say no one gave a fuck about you because I know it’s not true.” He spoke before pointing at the stone, “The month you died was the same month Mom went into depression. So don’t think that you weren’t cared about.” He spoke before he shoved his shovel into the ground and began to dig.

Stopping as the other spoke he made a face as they asked about when he died. Looking to the gravestone then he sighed, sarcastically. Then as the other started listing things off to him he stuck the shovel into the dirt and nodded his head. When Austin had finally shut up, Nathan had to suck in a breath to think about what was just unloaded onto him “Austin.  I can judge you. You forgot about me, and believed me to be a monster.  You are not supportive to me. This entire time you doubt me, you never listen to anything I say. It’s always Denial first.”  Nathan paused then and leaned onto his shovel, grinning a little more “I know this isn’t smart, Austin. But it’s what I want to do. Because you won’t listen to me. Blame yourself.”

Gesturing back to the gravestone carelessly then he grinned a little wider “Because she knew this entire time and she let them murder me!“ Angry suddenly he picked up the shovel and started smacking the gravestone with it “She let that fucking bastard murder me and What!!??! Am I supposed to feel bad she feel’s depressed?! FUCK HER! I am the one who died! For a murder that never happened! I am the one who suffered all these years, for a crime that I never committed! And all I fucking wanted was my family to listen to me! TO be with them! And you want to say they CARE?!!?!”  

Smacking the stone hard enough at the end it finally cracked and broke in half.  Throwing the shovel away from him then he started to walk away, stomping “I never hurt her! I never fucking meant to hurt her! I am the one that spent seventeen years locked up in a fucking mental hospital being abused, because I didn’t hurt her! And your mom’s depressed?! BOO FUCKING WHOO! Bitch deserves to be! After what they did to me!!” Hyperventilating his hands move to grip onto the sides of his head, blood began to spill from his nose “ I– It’s too much– I feel too much– I-i-Tin-Tin–Too much-It hurts….it hurts…”

Source: austinxdouglas #Para#AustinPara#Austin 59 notes sashaxparker December 14th 2017, 11:34:45 am · 2 months ago nathan-douglas sashaxparker:

Sasha was feeling quite out of it. Her mind was disconnected and she was feeling sort of like she wasn’t all here. She’d gone out for a walk to clear her mind but it wasn’t truly helping, though the clear sky was pretty to look up at as she went. She just wished she could feel like herself again… what if she never did? It was snowing now and she pulled her scarf up over her head to protect her hair. It looked pretty and it did strangely make her feel a little better. She came to the park and noticed she wasn’t alone suddenly. It set her on edge at first but she couldn’t help but chuckle as she watched the other having a good time with the snow. He looked carefree. “Having fun?” She asked, though not really sure why she struck up a conversation.

Packing some snow into a ball when he heard Sasha he glanced over and grinned a bit. He then looked back to the snowball and packed more snow onto it “Sooo much fun.” He says, a little excitedly. “It’s the first time i’ve gotten to be around snow since I was seven years old.” He wasn’t even bothered by the cold. He just wanted to enjoy this before it was ripped away from him, like everything else was. And had always been. He had learned to enjoy things while he had the chance, for as long as he could because it could be gone in a moment. Even if sometimes it might make him seem like a child, or even stupid. Nathan knew he was neither of these things “Why aren’t you having fun, too?”

Source: nathan-douglas #Para#SashaPara#Sasha 10 notes austinxdouglas December 8th 2017, 1:56:05 pm · 2 months ago nathan-douglas austinxdouglas:

Austin looked stared at the grave still in a little shock about all of this. When Nathan started to yell at him, he raised his eyebrows “Hey!” He yelled as he raised his arms to block the dirt that was thrown at his face. “I mean how did you die! I know mom and dad fucked you over! I know that, but you were alive when they sent you there!” He noticed as Nathan started to dig, “Nate come on, this isn’t a good idea.”

“I-” He cut himself off, trying to think. He didn’t actually remember dying. He just remembered leaving solitary “I was in trouble. They put me in solitary for days. I-i.. When they let me out- that’s it. That’s all I remember. I went to bed. Okay. And then I was in the fucking woods.” He glared at Austin “They might as well have sentenced me to death, Austin! Your Parents, they had to have known! I told her! Constantly. But she wouldn’t fucking listen! Just like you aren’t listening to me! And now I am dead. So…” He stabbed at the ground again “Eh! Good idea, bad Idea. I’m the one who is buried here, and no one gives a fuck about me. So help me or don’t. If you don’t, that’s fine. I’ve always done everything without you anyway.  You were always the one that was needy. So fuck off! If you don’t want to help me. –I don’t know why I expected any support from you, you were never the supportive type.”

Source: austinxdouglas #Para#AustinPara#Austin 59 notes kerrieridgeway December 5th 2017, 3:55:31 pm · 3 months ago nathan-douglas kerrieridgeway:

She sighed as he pointed out their last interaction, of course he didn’t put his actions into account. Only blamed her. “I promise to give you hot coffee if that’s what you want.” She spoke looking at him, before staring down either side of the street making sure that no one obvious was watching. “If they’re watching you, being outside isn’t a good idea.”

Nathan could be immature and yes, often blamed others before he would ever blame himself. There was no question about that. However, he had not done anything to Kerrie before she dumped coffee on him, accidentally, to him it  still stung, and everything that followed was because of the coffee incident. As she said she would give him more he paused and looked at her worried and shook his head “I don’t like coffee… Don’t throw any coffee on me anymore. Too hot. It’s too hot.” At the last thing she said he shook his head “It won’t help. He’ll come and get me, he’s not scared.”

Source: kerrieridgeway #Para#KerriePara#Kerrie 5 notes kerrieridgeway December 5th 2017, 2:58:48 pm · 3 months ago nathan-douglas kerrieridgeway:

Kerrie was cleaning a table in her diner when she noticed the young adult who she really disliked. Though as she saw him so distraught she felt something for him, she watched for a minute before sighing and deciding to do something. She put her rag down and opened the front door, “Hey,” she spoke looking at him waiting to get his attention. “Are you okay?” She spoke as she felt the colder December winds hit her. “Come inside,” she spoke wondering if he was distraught over anything task force related. She wasn’t sure, but seeing him so upset hit a chord with her.

Self “Found you, you bastard.” Nathan muttered, giving a slight smirk as he looked at the photo of the man he had searched for in the search engine on the computer he was on.  Moving he pulled out a journal from his backpack and then a pen, writing down several names. The current name he was on, the first of a long line, he began to write down several facts that were written about the guy on the computer “A gay son who works at the local gay stripe club. Interesting.”  Nathan mused for a moment as he wrote “Physical abuse accusations over a period of years, a little as a year ago, no surprise there. No wonder he was this easy to find.”

Nathan had spent the next few hours or so doing research, looking up several other peoples names on his list. He then left the library and made his way down toward a sidewalk that eventually lead him to a somewhat decent neighborhood. Nathan hide out near by a house, watching it, waiting for a cue. Once that cue had arrived home, some hours later, from work. Nathan smirked, confirming that his target had indeed been the right one he spent the next few weeks watching the guy’s activities, learning about where they would be, when he needed them to be somewhere.

After his observations had been made extensively, Nathan then began to make daily visits to the gay stripe club, at first observing goings on. Never calling the attentions of the son he had learned about just weeks earlier. After a few days he then made the move to lure the young male over to him, getting their attention by acting more on his personality with out the filter of ‘abuse’ that had often blocked his true personality, or emotions, from showing clearly. Once he had gotten the male in his snares Nathan spent the next few days getting to know the other, and them thinking the were getting to know him as well. To the point that had actually begun to treat Nathan like a friend. Even at times jokingly calling Nathan his future boyfriend.

Once reaching that point with the male, which was surprisingly easy, Nathan had thought. But still, he supposed for him an apparent sociopath, it wasn’t so hard to lure the weak minded into his fake personalities. It more so depended on what Nathan wanted. As time went on Nathan began to pay for a private room for him and the son of the guy he had been targeting.

They were grinding up against him then, pressing their lips against his, making out with him and rubbing a hand against his junk. Nathan played along, pretending he had been into the mood of the current situation. Once it was over though he frowned in mock sadness “I’ll be back tomorrow. I’ll even, probably, bring you a surprise.” Nathan pulled away then, button his jeans back up as they stood and toyed with his hair, telling him how much they wanted to have sex with him, before asking why Nathan had never asked them to meet him outside of the club “I will…one day. I just, have a lot of shit going on in my life.” Nathan forced a smile then “I still feel like we don’t know each other enough to show you that part of my life.” Cold dark eyes locked onto theirs “In time.”

He watched the male leave the room the before rolling his eyes and moving to exit as well. Minutes later he was walking toward his brothers apartment. Nathan had definitely noticed the other had been distant, which wasn’t anything entirely knew. Austin was hopelessly useless to him, in many ways. And if the other would rather talk to their girlfriend than help him, he supposed he would just have to get revenge, all by himself. On everyone who had ever fucked him over. Starting from the bottom.

#Self December 17th 2017, 2:26:48 pm · 2 months ago “Have you thought of any names for them?” A nurse asked the woman laying beside her, several months pregnant it seemed. She then glanced over to the woman’s husband as the woman had also, a grin on her face as is she were thinking.

“Well…” She started pointing at the monitor “I think this one should be Austin.” She said as she point toward one baby, that appeared to be sucking on it’s thumb “It fits, right Robert? Austin. And this one.” She paused for a moment to think, seeing the other baby was a bit more feisty “I think Ad-”

“Let’s name him Nathanael.”  Robert finally spoke up looking at the monitor and nodding “Yeah, I like that one.” Staring at his wife she gave him a concerned look before nodding.  She obviously had been thinking of a completely different name for the other twin, but she supposed she would let Robert have this one, it wasn’t that big of a deal to her, of course. Originally, when they thought one of them would be a girl one of the twins was going to be named something that fit a lot better with Austin.

A Little While Later

Getting in from the hospital Karina walked inside carrying one baby carrier “Alright Aussie, stop fussing.” She cooed placing the carrier down finally as the infant inside it whimpered before having a complete meltdown just as they were brought inside. Karina sighed, obviously extremely exhausted after having just had two babies only a couple days earlier. Both of which seemed a little fussy the entire drive home.  She watched as Robert finally came inside with the other baby carrier in hand and the baby bag. It was around this time that the other baby also began to fuss because of Austin’s crying “Here we go, again.” Karina laughed before giving a kiss Robert and taking the baby carrier out of his hands “Can you make up their bottles, maybe that’ll settle them down.” She turned to Austin’s carrier and gave a exhausted smile “Right? How’s that sound?” She cooed again gently reaching over to tickle lightly at his stomach “Good thing Grace is with Grandma.”

Placing Nathan’s carrier beside Austin’s he started to bring his arms and legs in closer to his body, his face scrunching and turning red before he let out a few whimpers of his own. Obviously he was attempting to cover his ears.  Karina noticed this and frowned “Hey, hey, do-” She looked toward Austin, thinking that if he could get him calm he could prevent what was about to go down. Searching for a pacifier then she found the one she had given Austin earlier in the carrier beside him “Here.” She offered watching the other take it, but a moment later she watched him refuse to take it. Looking at Nathan then she blinked, before her eyes widened seeing he was sucking on his thumb “Oh. Ooh.” She glanced toward the kitchen where she could here Robert and then back to the twins “Well, that’s surprising.” With a shrug then she continued to try and get Austin’s to stop crying. It wasn’t until Robert returned with a bottle and she handed it over to him, holding it for him that Austin had finally calmed down.

A Few Weeks Later

Austin was crying over something, perhaps it was the dark that had been keeping him up at night, crying. The crying had happened so often that Grace and Robert had both asked to sell him for a new brother.  One of them was joking, at least. The other was a little bit more serious. Nathan on the other had, had hardly ever cried. It seemed the moment that Austin started he would stick his thumb in his mouth and this had managed to make him feel extremely calm during Austin’s moments of  crying. Austin was a baby, of course, both literally and emotionally.  He would often cry over little things. Grace often didn’t appear to enjoy playing with him, because he always seemed like he was going to break.  One little wrong move and Austin would start to fuss. Nathan’s thumb would find itself in his mouth and stay their for the rest of the day, furiously being sucked at.

One Year Later

Nathan was sat up, sucking on his left thumb, his right hand lifting up a block onto another next to Austin who was chewing on a megaman toy contently.  It seemed that over the last year or so he had calmed down significantly enough to actually develop a personality trait that had not been ‘big cry baby’.  Nathan and he garbled something back and forth in some babyish talk. Austin giggled gently at Nathan after he garbled something. Nathan continued to loosely suck at his thumb, still somewhat locked into his mouth as he eyed the toys in front of him. The two only looked up as Grace had come running across the living room followed by Robert. She started shouting for their mother, obviously wanting to show her something that she had been working on in school.

Robert looked over toward the twins then “Hey, boys. Nathan, take that out of your mouth.” The older male ordered before walking over to Nathan and picking him up, and pulling it out forcibly before placing Nathan down again “That’s so disgusting.”  Robert mumbled, not realizing that Nathan could understand what the other was saying, and would remember these moments.

It went on like this on and off, every day, Robert would make Nathan stop sucking on his thumb then complain to Karina about encouraging such a disgusting habit. To Robert the habit had outgrown it’s cuteness and he was too old to be doing something like that.

Three Years Later

While taking a nap Nathan was sucking on the tip of his thumb absently, earlier that day he had an argument with Austin over a toy and was placed in time out by Robert who told him the next time he through a toy at Austin, that he would throw a toy at Nathan. Robert then left Nathan locked in their bedroom where he was told to stay on his bed and not move. Nathan eventually fell asleep as two hours passed and had been sleeping there for the last three hours.

The door finally opened and Karina walked in “No. Robert, Austin said it was an accident. He was waiting by the damn door when I walked into the house!” She shouted at Robert as she walked into the room toward Nathan’s bed. Crouching down beside it she reached over and ran a hand over the top of his head. Blinking Nathan looked at her and frowned. Karina smiled “Come on, Nanny.” Leaning in she gave him a kiss to the forehead before pulling down the blankets and picking him up. Robert glared for a moment before sighing and walking away saying that he might have gone a little too far, and that maybe Nathan would learn a lesson about throwing toys.

Some Odd Years Later

Sitting in front of the therapist Nathan sucked nervously on his thumb, staring at the guy sitting in front of him. They tapped their pen on the paper before looking at Robert “So you’ve always felt him to be unnerving and strange, compared to your other children? He’s hurt them, and been extremely aggressive since the day you brought him home.” They gave Robert a look before nodding “And how long has he been sucking on his thumb?”

“He’s always sucked on his thumb. We’ve tried all kinds of things to get him to stop. Put hot sauce on it, he likes hot sauce now.”  Karina answered looking at Robert, not wanting to say that her husband had gone so far as to threaten to put Nathan’s thumbs in a blender. She looked at Nathan then only to watch Robert reach over and yank the thumb from Nathan’s mouth and tell him to stop it.

“Oh. Well, some children usually will stop sucking their thumbs early on. Unless their’s something going on.  Usually it’s fixation. But there are also cases that abuse makes some children continue to suck their thumb.” Making a few marks on the paper in his lap the therapist nodded “ If he’s been doing this since before he was born, it’s probably an oral fixation.” What the therapist didn’t know was that Nathan’s thumb sucking was because of Austin, making him extremely nervous or anxious. Which as Austin got older it began to come Robert who was making him anxious all the time and use his thumb to de-stress after every encounter they had.

The therapist smiled then and looked at the pair before looking at Nathan “Don’t worry, we’ll see what we can do.” Ripping the paper from their clipboard they handed it over to Robert “Give him this every day and you’ll start to see significant changes, he’ll be less aggressive.” Watching this go down Nathan started to suck on his thumb again, anxiously, he inhaled sharply. Not protesting, because he mostly didn’t understand what was going on and he believed he was bad, and needed to do whatever to be good.

Age Eight

Yanking at his arms Nathan stared up at Breccan as the other talks “This will make you stop. I’m sure of it.” He gave a nod to one of the orderlies then and the brought Nathan closer to a bowl of liquid, dunking Nathan’s thumb inside it, coating his thumb. Then doing the same to the other thumb. The orderly continued to hold Nathan’s arms in a way that kept his thumbs from getting smeared as the liquid dried. Then they dunked it again, and proceeded to do this for a while.

Finally he was released with the other children in the hospital. Standing for a moment he walked over toward some toys that no one else was messing with. He could hear one kid freaking out over something and staff trying to deal with that. Sniffling as he picked up one toy he wished he were home. Feeling stressed out then as the shouting and struggling continued from behind him he moved his left hand up to suck on his thumb. Only to be hit with a bitter taste a moment later.  Gagging he yanked his thumb out of his mouth and shook his hand. Blinking, he stared at his thumb before looking over. Letting out a breath he glared before slamming his hand on the floor and groaning under his breath, his anger become a little hard to control.

December 18, 2017

Nathan had been sleeping, or more, resting, for the last day. He didn’t feel like moving, or doing anything at all. He just wanted to lay in the small closet in Austin’s apartment, feeling safe and comfortable there, more than he had been sleeping in a big open space.  The last few months of stress, being angry, and being hurt had began to manage itself. Pulling back into the recesses of his mind. Just being able to sit down and have a day where he wasn’t dealing with all the shit in his world was usually something he had needed, but rarely ever got. Since he woke up in the woods. Letting out a calming sigh he continued resting.  The thumb on his left hand being sucked on furiously as it helped him de-stress from everything.

Finally leaving the closet about two days after that Nathan opened the door and inhaled deeply before stretching out. Walking into the living room he noticed it was pretty earlier in the morning. He didn’t feel like leaving yet, feeling that if he did leave things would just become more stressful. He was feeling that for the moment he would hold off on the stress for the moment and make something to eat, because he was starving.  Hearing some snoring he looked down the hall toward Austin’s room and frowned a little “Well at least he is sleeping.” With a serious look he started toward the kitchen, which wasn’t very far away.

About an hour or so later Nathan was sat on the floor in the Livingston with a pile of breakfast food he made, by himself, from whatever was in the kitchen. Stabbing a fork full of pancakes, that he made, slathered in blueberry syrup on one side and strawberry on the other he shoved the bite in his mouth and chewed as he moved to grab up some sausage, ham and bacon and started to shovel it all into his mouth. Wiping his hand off then he moved it back over to the game controller in his hand and continued to play whatever game he was playing, loudly on the tv.