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carnivalxfever · 1 year ago

Text

incomplete (the world will turn and we’ll grow)

Summary:

Jungwon actually finds it funny his friends’ antics around Sunghoon, all smiley and giddy. Jungwon feels his heart fall content to see his friend acting like this. Since they hit it off easily and share a lot of interests, it's easy for him to rapidly consider Sunoo a friend. So watching him being interested in someone and slowly falling in love makes Jungwoon happy for him, happy that he’s creating roots this fast. But when he remembers it’s Sunghoon that Sunoo is showing interest for, his heart aches a little. (Or, 5 times Jungwon's life feels kinda miserable because of Sunghoon meeting Sunoo and 1 time he's actually thankful they found each other.)

Tags: fanfiction, enhypen, sungwon, sunsun, jaywon, rps, 5+1 things, growing up, friends to lovers, slice of life.

Audience: 16+ (swearing and descriptions of physical touch).

Playlist:

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction and all situations, characters and dialogues are not real. Although this a fanfiction involving the relationship of members, author does not ship them in real life. This fic was originally posted on AO3. You can check it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/47679919

Read full work below:

The first time Jungwon notices, he rolls his eyes. Of fucking course, Sunghoon is walking around him during the whole school day so he can ask Jungwon about the new kid in their school. As class president, Jungwon is always informed when new students arrive, so he can help them settle in. He likes it because it gives him the chance to meet new people and to introduce them the right way, so they can settle in fine. That’s not the case for everybody, but as soon as his eyes land on the new kid, he knows he will be a successful case.

Jungwon arrives earlier at school so he can meet Kim Sunoo, the new transferred kid. He doesn’t have to wait much, because Sunoo arrives a few minutes after he does. He acts as if he’s in a rush, walking and almost running, like he’s already late for class on the very first day. Still, his dark hair adorns his face – a beautiful, beautiful face. His eyes sparkle as soon as he meets Jungwon’s gaze by the entrance, a sign of recognition probably due to them connecting over social media and talking a few days prior, and he runs towards the boy.

“Hello!” Sunoo exclaims, happily and a little bit breathy, bowing respectfully. “I’m Kim Sunoo, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person, Jungwon-ssi!”

“Hey, Sunoo-ssi!” Jungwon bows and tries not to smile so openly, but Sunoo is a bit… Contagious. “It’s nice to meet you too! Welcome to our school!”

Sunoo claps, excitedly, while looking around. ‘This one's gonna catch everyone’s attention…’ Jungwon thinks to himself, as he motions for them to walk inside the building.

It’s not like he didn’t know Sunoo isn’t pretty or that he has a sweet personality. While talking to him for the last few days, it’s clear the kid is very easy going and kind, so it isn’t hard to grow fond of him. But seeing it in person is way more impactful. Sunoo asks animatedly about everything, looking genuinely curious about it. He’s not a pushover and Jungwon soon sees himself orbiting around the new boy. They actually get along even more easily than through chat and it’s easy to find common interests. Sunoo doesn’t look like he’s making an effort to be like that; he is what he is.

To Jungwon, Sunoo looks like he carries the sun around him. He moves around almost like he’s floating and his smile is always slipping here and there. Jungwon catches himself smiling all the time too and, by the time he finishes the tour and people start to arrive at the school, he is convinced there’s absolutely nothing he doesn’t like about Sunoo. His suspicions get confirmed when it’s pretty obvious that he draws attention from everyone at their school right away. Still, Jungwon smiles at that. He knew he would fit in the moment he first laid his eyes on Sunoo.

But he also knew he would draw his best friend's attention as soon as he saw the new kid.

And the thing is, he doesn’t hate Sunoo for that, but he’s been around for longer than Sunoo and… Sunghoon has never looked at him like he looks at Sunoo this morning. As soon as Sunghoon shows up, his face lights up like Christmas’ tree full of twinkling lights. He walks through the whole hall staring at the new boy – and doesn’t even bat an eye in Jungwon’s direction.

“Hello, good morning!” He greets Sunoo, who looks confused but also in awe. “You’re the new kid, right? It’s nice to meet you, I’m Park Sunghoon!”

They both bow at each other. Jungwon just rolls his eyes. He may or may not have a crush on his friend, but he still can admit when Sunghoon acts like the dumb jock guy he is.

“Nice to meet you too, Sunghoon-ssi!” Sunoo replies and, weirdly, his animated tone annoys Jungwon a bit. “I’m Kim Sunoo!”

That’s when Sunghoon (finally) briefly looks at Jungwon. “I hope our Jungwon here has shown you everything around!”

“I just arrived, but I can bet he’s the best guide in this place,” Sunoo exclaims and smiles at Jungwon, who can only fake a half-smile. “It feels like I’ve been studying here for years now!”

“Of course, that’s why he’s the class president, right Jungwon-ah?” Sunghoon jokes, pulling his friend by the shoulder for a half-assed hug.

It makes Jungwon wanna gag, but he’s saved by the school siren. “I guess it’s time we go to class, right? We don’t want to get you in trouble on your first day.”

He lets go of Sunghoon's clingy hold and enlaces his arm over Sunoo’s, dragging and pulling down the hall. When he looks back, Sunghoon is still staring, a smirk dancing over his lips. He looks handsome, as Jungwon has always seen him, but his heart hurts a little since he knows that expression isn’t caused by him.

It makes everything worse that Sunghoon doesn’t let it go for the following days and, by the end of the week, he’s so annoying Jungwon considers blocking him and disappearing from both him and Sunoo. He finds it terrible that he can’t avoid being jealous, or that he can’t stop thinking about all the questions Sunghoon is making. Even in the hall, when he’s leaving his classes and Sunoo isn’t around, Sunghoon is on his tail, insisting on wanting to know everything that is to know about Sunoo. It doesn’t make it any better for Jungwon.

“Can’t you see I’m busy, hyung?” Jungwon angrily cuts him, as they stop by his locker. “Why don’t you go ask him yourself?”

Sunghoon looks at him kind of shocked. Jungwon never spoke to him in such an aggressive tone before. He’s actually not aggressive, but it makes him feel awful when the guy he likes his whole life doesn't show 1% of interest in him as he shows for Sunoo ever since the boy arrived at their school. When he looks over, staring at Sunghoon, he hopes to find a sad or a confused expression on Sunghoon’s face – but it lights up a second later, with a smile cornering his lips.

“That’s actually a great idea, Jungwon!” Sunghoon says, quickly hugging Jungwon and running towards Jungwon and Sunoo's classroom.

At that moment, Jungwon realizes he might have fucked things up for himself.

The second time happens too fast and it’s actually hard for Jungwon to process. The following weeks, while Sunoo is still adapting to school, he and Jungwon get closer. They go from one class to another together, have lunch together and even spend some time together outside the school. They become good friends quickly, but so do Sunoo and Sunghoon.

Whenever it’s only Jungwon and Sunoo, it’s all fun and games. But what usually was Jungwon and Sunghoon hanging around all the time, now becomes Sunoo, Sunghoon and Jungwon. He starts to feel like he’s secondary to Sunghoon, like he’s just there – occupying a space he doesn’t belong to.

It kinda infuriates him, because he manages his time so he can spend it with both of them, when Sunghoon doesn’t even think twice before calling Sunoo to hang out when he’s together with Jungwon. He’s trying his best to not be an asshole to Sunghoon, but he feels jealous of Sunoo for getting all of his best friend's attention.

In fact, the possibility of a broken heart never helped anyone before, right?

“Hello there, gorgeous,” Sunghoon says, as he approaches the two boys sitting on the lunch table. “I see you two just ended your lunch.”

Jungwon, who was smiling before Sunghoon’s arrival, rolls his eyes once again. “No shit, Sherlock!”

“Jungwon-ah!” Sunoo exclaims, kinda laughing, as Sunghoon sits at their table. “It’s just a joke.”

“He’s stating obvious shit again, Sunoo-yah,” He brushes off, looking over Sunghoon’s direction. “What am I supposed to say?”

‘I can’t say that I’ve been in love with him this whole time and he never noticed me like he does with you’ is what he wants to add, but refrains himself from saying out loud.

“Don’t mind him, Sunoo-yah!” Sunghoon laughs it off, throwing an arm over Sunoo’s shoulder. “He acts like that but he loves me!”

Sunoo laughs, hiding his smile over his free hand, and Jungwon just stares. The sight in front of him would be a really pretty one, if it wasn’t composed by his new friend and his best friend and lifetime crush. They look beautiful together, Jungwon can’t avoid noticing. Like those teen romcom couples you see in movies, those Jungwon watches hidden inside his room. Only it burns and stings; it’s uncomfortable to watch first hand when it’s them. Because deep down, Jungwon wishes it was him.

He wishes it’s him getting all of Sunghoon’s attention. He wishes it’s him sitting on Sunoo’s spot, under Sunghoon’s embrace. He wishes Sunghoon would look at him like he does to Sunoo; like he’s a fine porcelain, fragile to his touch but still his utmost desirable item. He wishes Sunghoon would hold him like he does to Sunoo; like he’s a safe harbor, ready to hold him at any time he needed. It’s childish, he knows, but he even wishes Sunghoon would be sliding the dessert he brought to him, not to Sunoo – even though he’s not that into sweets, not like Sunoo is.

Sunghoon is a gift-giving type of person, so is Sunoo. It is clear how they speak the same language – better yet, the same love language. They go here and there exchanging pens and small notes, even borrowing each other’s sweaters. Sunoo made him a cake once, Sunghoon always buys him his favorite candies. The only thing Jungwon can do is watch it in silence as Sunoo’s eyes sparkle and his smile gets bigger, just as Sunghoon’s, with the small act his best friend does.

He silently watches as Sunghoon keeps bringing Sunoo stuff, like a dog finding sparkling things to bring to his owner. Jungwon knows this is a bad comparison, but sometimes he thinks that if he looks closely at Sunghoon, he will put his tongue out and breath excitedly — yes, exactly like a dog.

What hurts Jungwon the most is that Sunoo actually likes it. Jungwon has been around Sunoo long enough at this point to see how he reacts shyly, always smiling and getting red at anything Sunghoon does — the opposite of how he reacts when he’s not interested. He has seen a few people confess to him in school. He just rolls his eyes and leaves a polite, yet roasting comment, that has the person walking away confused and ashamed.

“Hyung!” Sunoo suddenly stops hearing Jungwon, who was talking to him by the locker, and walks over Sunghoon. “Wait up!”

“Hey, there!” Sunghoon smiles brightly, and it makes Jungwon half warm, half mad. “What’s up?”

Sunoo looks shy. And it’s surprising to Jungwon because up until now, almost 3 months since he moved to their school, he hasn’t shown signs of ever being shy. He’s Jungwon’s braver friend, never afraid of doing something or speaking his mind. But when he hands Sunghoon a little box of chocolate with a white card on top, Jungwon remembers.

It’s the White Day. Sunoo is giving him chocolate. He already knows Sunghoon likes Sunoo. But now he knows Sunoo probably likes Sunghoon back.

Jungwon actually finds it funny his friends’ antics around Sunghoon. All smiley and giddy, Jungwon feels his heart fall content to see his friend acting like this. Since they hit it off easily and share a lot of interests, it was easy to consider Sunoo a friend. So watching him being interested in someone and slowly falling in love makes Jungwoon happy for him, happy that he’s creating roots this fast. But when he remembers it’s Sunghoon that Sunoo is showing interest for, his heart aches a little.

Sound echoes around him, becoming faded, distant. A song he was listening to that morning rings like an alarm, saying ‘All of the hurt gets left, I should've guessed that the world will turn and we'll grow, we'll learn how to be, to be incomplete’. But he doesn’t want to be incomplete, so he keeps watching and wondering why the hell he has to grow; why growing incomplete hurts this much.

The third time is even harder, because he has to face it. Weeks pass by after the White Day episode, but Sunoo and Sunghoon show no signs of actually being together. To be honest, they act weird in the first few days, but then they go back to the whole ‘flirting-but-not-flirting” deal. This is actually starting to annoy Jungwon in a different way that it was before.

When it all started, Jungwon felt jealous. He was there before, knew Sunghoon before him, called him best friend before. Jungwon thought of Sunghoon as a friend growing up, but when they became teenagers, Jungwon wondered if they could be more. When Sunoo arrived and took all of Sunghoon’s attention, it made Jungwon sad and a little mad. Not because of Sunoo, whom he learned he couldn’t hate at all, but because he lost any chance he could have had. The whole thing makes him feel weird, incomplete. And there’s nothing he can do about it.

Sunoo is gorgeous and fun and everything Sunghoon always mentioned as he imagined someone he’d fall in love with. It’s not like Jungwon isn’t, but Sunoo definitely shines brighter between the two of them for Sunghoon. It takes time for Jungwon to understand it, and after the White Day, he thinks they will finally take the next step.

This moment, somehow, never comes. Jungwon gets mad because he wants closure. He wants to stop nurturing feelings for Sunghoon, he wants to stop expecting for something he’ll never have. After all these years, especially the last few months along with Sunoo’s arrival, he wants to be free from his own desires. But due to lack of news about Sunoo and Sunghoon finally being together, Jungwon can’t stop it; can’t avoid his own mind telling him there’s still a chance.

He tries his best to give them space, but Sunoo always calls him so the three of them can go to the amusement park. He wants to be away from Sunghoon, but whenever he sees ’hoonie hyung <3’ flash on his phone screen and reads ‘movies?’, he cannot not reply ‘yes, hyung. Which one are we going for tonight?’

He's also trying his best not to display emotions in front of them. Like how it hurts him to see Sunghoon hugging Sunoo tighter, or how Sunoo’s eyes sparkle like they did back in White Day. He tries his best not to act up about it, because he doesn’t want to be this person. He doesn’t want to mess up something that seems fated to happen. He just wants a little peace of mind and less PDA-that’s-not-a-PDA-but-also-is from them.

That’s why he’s surprised when Sunoo tells him, on a Friday afternoon, that they need to talk about Sunghoon. It’s not like it’s weird, it just gives Jungwon a gut feeling that something is wrong. He’s afraid he didn’t hide well enough, he’s afraid that Sunoo noticed – and he’s afraid because he doesn’t know what reaction Sunoo will have.

Will he hate him? Will he say they can no longer be friends?

When he thinks about it, he realizes he hates this scenario more than anything. The scenario where he can no longer see Sunoo cute smiles, or where they can’t spend afternoons over his bedroom listening to their favorite songs and talking about their dreams. The scenario where the three of them are apart, even if Jungwon gets to date Sunghoon. If Sunoo has to go for it to happen, he prefers it not to happen at all. It makes him feel worse than incomplete – it has him feeling void.

They meet at their favorite ice cream place, the one Jungwon introduced Sunoo to during his first week. It’s been less than a year, but they were already able to create so many memories together there; it almost feels like Sunoo has always been by Jungwon’s side, like they were friends ever since they were born. Sunoo doesn’t look as bright as Jungwon is used to seeing.

He arrives a little after Jungwon does, and he doesn’t scream his usual ‘Jungwon-ah!’. He looks down, lips a bit pouty, like he’s unsure. Jungwon waits for it, waits for what Sunoo has to say. But after the waiter comes for their order, then comes back with their sundaes, and Sunoo has almost finished but hasn’t said a word, Jungwon decides he has to take the lead.

“So,” he says, gathering Sunoo’s attention. “I’m guessing you want to tell me something…”

“Oh, I–” Sunoo exclaims, looking like he was caught up at a crime scene. “I– Well, I guess… I guess I do.”

“What’s up, then?” Jungwon asks, trying to sound as natural as possible.

“Hm– You know…” Sunoo still sounds unsure, and gulps. “You know I gave Sunghoon hyung a White Day present, don’t you?”

Now it’s Jungwon’s turn to gulp down the knot forming in his throat. He forces a smile and says, “Of course I do. I was there with you, Sunoo-yah.”

“Oh! Right,” Sunoo blinks several times, not looking up to stare at Jungwon. “Right, you were there, yes.”

“So…?” Jungwon tries to introduce the topic, but finds it difficult. “What is it about that you want to tell me?”

Sunoo sighs, and hides his face behind his hands. “I– Jungwon-ah, I like him.”

Jungwon looks at his friend, and it’s not like the world shatters around him. He knows that, he knew since that day Sunoo would come up with those words one day. He knew about Sunoo’s intention when he gave Sunghoon that present. But actually hearing the words, hearing them coming out of Sunoo’s mouth, is a different situation.

It’s like he knows a math concept, but can’t come up with an example. When the exercise comes up, he can’t solve it – and he feels miserable about it.

“Oh.” He says, looking for the right words to say, but only coming up with “Oh, well, I– I imagined.”

Sunoo finally looks up, and looks a little relieved. “You did, didn’t you? It was obvious, right? If– If it wasn’t before it, it became very clear after, didn’t it?”

“Yeah, I–” Jungwon tries to look cool and brushes off. “I had an instinct, but after that… Well, it’s very clear.”

Sunoo keeps looking at him, staring inside Jungwon’s eyes, and even if they don’t know each other for a long time, he knows what it means: Sunoo is looking for understandment. He is looking up for answers.

“Then why didn’t he–” He trails off, suddenly hit by tears, before he continues, “Why didn’t he say it back?”

And this, this is actually what breaks Jungwon’s heart. It’s not the whole fiasco of being in love with his best friend, or having another friend to be his friends’ love interest, much less they both correspond to each other’s feelings right in front of his eyes. No, those are actually fine. Now he knows how much it hurts to see someone he cares deeply break in front of him; he knows how it stings to see Sunoo cry like this.

“Sunoo-yah…” Jungwon reaches for Sunoo’s hands, enlacing them with his own. “He… All I know is that he likes you too.”

Sunoo stares at his face, cheeks red, like he’s ashamed. “How do you– How do you know that?”

Jungwon sighs. He ponders if this is a good time, if he should be honest with him, if he should tell Sunoo how he’s been in love with Sunghoon his whole life, but he never stood a chance the moment Sunoo appeared. How Sunghoon changed a lot of his habits, some of his schedules, just so he could be around him more often. He ponders if telling Sunoo how he felt left aside, how his heart broke, how this whole experience could tell anything by itself. He ponders if telling that watching his best friend falling in love with someone else, someone he wouldn’t dare to compete with because he too is a friend is terrible, but seeing him break like this is worse. That he wants to kick Sunghoon’s ass for not acting up and still giving him hope, but also breaking Sunoo’s.

He ponders, and ponders a little more. But he can’t come up with anything better than, “Because he’s my best friend, and I’ve never seen him look at anyone like he looks at you.”

Sunoo looks down again, sighing. “That can’t be. He didn’t– He didn’t say anything back ever since, Jungwon-ah…”

“Sunoo, look at me,” Jungwon asks, as he gets up and sits by his side, just so he can hold Sunoo's face. “I was here first, remember? I know Sunghoon my whole life.”

“That’s… That’s not–” Sunoo whispers.

“It is, Sunoo…” Jungwon says, and even if it breaks his heart, he continues. “I was here and he never looked at me like that.”

Sunoo’s eyes grow bigger than he has ever seen. “You like him?”

“Liked,” Jungwon lies, and it doesn’t feel like an answer to Sunoo. “I liked him before you got here.”

The words don’t seem to soothe Sunoo, who looks desperate now. “Jungwon, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean–“

“No need to be sorry, Sunoo,” Jungwon cuts him, now holding him by the shoulders. “You can’t control your feelings.”

“But if I knew, I’d never…” Sunoo cries a little, shaking his head in denial. “I’d never let him get so close to me, I’d never allow myself to like him, in the first place.”

Jungwon's heart aches a little at those words. The emptiness, the sense of being incomplete once again grows inside him. Sunoo is indeed his sunshine of a friend, and seeing his eyes clouded like that do him absolutely no good. He feels guilty, but he needs to be honest now that he realizes that Sunoo is also his best friend – and he wants to make sure they’re on good terms with their own feelings.

“I was here and he never liked me the way he likes you, Sunoo…” is what he says, with all the honesty he can. “I can assure you, he likes you too.”

This has Sunoo staring at him. Big and teary eyes, red nose. Jungwon doesn’t want that. He wants his sunshine back. He wants Sunoo to feel complete like he knows himself won’t be.

“He doesn’t—“

“He does.” Jungwon cuts him off again, and he doesn’t fake when he smiles at him. “He likes you a lot, Sunoo, and this is me accepting this.”

“Jungwon…” Sunoo whines, as he is about to cry again.

“Stop crying, please, or I’ll cry with you,” Jungwon admits, feeling his own tears forming. “You like him and he likes you, you know that, right?”

Sunoo nods, lowering his head. If he could, Jungwon would ask Sunoo to stay right where he is and drag Sunghoon’s ass here so he can do something about it. But he can’t leave him alone, he can’t let go of his hand, which he didn’t even realize he was holding until now. He stares at their hands together and knows he’s doing the right thing by telling him the truth.

“So all you gotta do is to take care of him, okay?” Jungwon states, and gets Sunoo to look at him again. “Promise me you won’t ever break his heart and I promise my feelings for him will go away.”

“Jungwon… You can’t control your feelings.” Sunoo replies, using Jungwon’s own words.

“I can’t… But I know he will be happy with you,” Jungwon admits, still holding Sunoo's hands, but now looking at him. “And if he’s happy, that’s enough for me to let him go. Otherwise, I’ll cut you off in a million pieces.”

This has Sunoo bursting up, crying between the tears. It makes Jungwon laugh a little, along with him. It feels lighter, the weight on his chest. It’s still incomplete, that song still echoes in his mind. He still doesn’t know how to live like this, but he’s trying to. For Sunoo. For Sunghoon. And for himself.

He ponders that he’ll have to threaten Sunghoon in the same way at some point.

The fourth time isn’t actually about Sunoo and Sunghoon, but about Jongseong.

Jongseong is his senior at college, Sunghoon’s colleague. He moved to the country after living for years abroad, so his mannerisms are a bit different from everyone else. Plus, he always mixes Korean and English and makes jokes Jungwon doesn’t understand. It kinda annoys him; how everyone finds Jongseong funny when Jungwon doesn’t.

In fact, he finds him boring and a little dumb. He’s not usually a pretentious person, but he acts like that around Jongseong just because he makes his skin itch. He walks around like he’s confident about the way he looks, as if he knows he looks good – to which Jungwon rolls his eyes, because Jongseong could never look good for him.

At least, not when he acts like flirting with Jungwon is some kind of a joke.

Jungwon finds it very tiring. Since day one, Jongseong seems to orbitate around him, like it’s funny to act like this. He’s always saying ‘hello, beautiful’ or ‘good morning, gorgeous’, purposefully in English when Jungwon doesn’t understand it fluently, and it makes Jungwon fume because he can sense the playful tone. He sees the way Jongseong looks at him, a devious sight he can’t stand. Jungwon knows the day he shows a reaction remotely positive, Jongseong will say all that pretense interest is a joke. He just knows he’s this type of guy.

But things start to change one afternoon, weeks after Sunghoon introduced the two of them. Jongseong still hasn’t stopped trying to get Jungwon’s number, and he is trying his best to avoid the guy. He doesn’t know why Jongseong acts insistently like this, but Sunghoon isn’t helping him either. If anything, he’s making it worse by laughing every time Jongseong asks for Jungwon’s number.

That afternoon, while Sunghoon is still laughing and Jongseong stares at him waiting for the answer, Jungwon snaps. “Why the hell do you actually want my number, hyung? You can always see me here, at the campus.”

Jongseong’s pity expression makes Jungwon almost feel sorry for him. Almost. “Because I wanna talk to you when we’re not here?”

“And why would we do that?” Jungwon retorts, rolling his eyes once again for the boy. “We’re not even friends.”

“Ouch, Jungwon!” Sunghoon intervenes, but still giggling at them. “This guy right here is obviously trying to ask you out, why are you acting so difficult, hun?”

It provokes two different reactions, but the two of them say “Sunghoon!”. Jungwon, in an annoyed tone. Jongseong, in a shameful one.

Jungwon sees as Jongseong fidget at the hem of his jacket, cheeks redder than a tomato. The posture doesn’t match the ‘I’m-a-bad-boy’ look he’s wearing and, once again, Jungwon thinks he’s pathetic.

“C’mon, Jungwon,” Sunghoon pleads, sighing as he pinches his own nose bridge, “he’s trying his best here, why won’t you give him a chance?”

“Sunghoon, please stop,” Jongseong whispers, head hanging low. “You heard what he said. We’re not even friends.”

Sunghoon looks at him like he just grew a third eye. “Dude, what the fuck? Why aren’t you–”

“I’m sorry, Jungwon.” Jongseong turns to him, looking into his eyes. “I see now I may have been acting like a jerk towards you. I’m really sorry for all this. I’ll… be going.”

As he gets up and walks from them, Sunghoon tries to get him to sit back and not leave. Jungwon just watches. His eyes follow Jongseong until he disappears over the horizon, as his chest gets tight. It should feel lighter; like a weight taken off his shoulder. But it doesn’t.

Why does he feel like Jongseong's words were sincere?

After that episode, Jongseong doesn’t show up near him again; not even when Sunghoon is around. In the first few days, Jungwon feels relieved. He’s finally free from intense stares and smirks, there’s no one around asking for his number at least five times a day. He feels like he can finally breathe and live his college life far from some weird dude who seems to find it funny to joke around with his (non-existent) feelings.

But after a while, Jungwon is curious. Was it that easy to get rid of him? All he had to say was that? Was him… this easy to forget?

He wants to ask Sunghoon. Ask what happened, ask where his friend is hiding. He wants to joke back with Jongseong, say something like ‘I knew you weren’t worth a penny, Park’. He wants to know how the guy’s doing, if he found someone else to joke around with. He’s just curious, right? After all, Jongseong was always around and now… Jungwon didn’t see him anywhere.

Three weeks later, he’s about to ask Sunghoon while they’re having lunch at the campus’ cafeteria when Jongseong shows up. He seems different from what Jongseong is used to – the leather jacket is gone, along with the styled hair. No high fashion shoes, no accessories. This new Jongseong shows up in a plain white T-shirt, bangs falling on his eyes, and a shy smile on his lips.

Jungwon can’t recall a single moment where Jongseong had such a smile before.

“Hey!” Sunghoon exlcaims when he notices his presence. “You’re finally back, dude! I thought you weren’t coming back.”

Jongseong just sits and Jungwon doesn’t fail to notice how all his movements seem less fussy. He’s not acting like a cocky guy; rather a simpler, nicer one. Jungwon feels weird when Jongseong gives a sincere smile, brushing his shoulders off.

“My dad wanted me to go on a business trip with him. It lasted longer than usual, I guess,” He explains, as he sits with them, leaving Jungwon curious about where he went for two weeks.

“Where was it this time?” Sunghoon asks, like he’s reading Jungwon’s mind. "Shanghai? Tokyo? Paris?”

Jongseong smiles. Jungwon doesn’t want to acknowledge it makes him feel weird again. “São Paulo. We’re launching the Latin American branch in the next quarter.”

“Wow! Now I get why it took so long!” Sunghoon giggles, like he’s used to these conversations.

“Yeah, the jet lag killed me for two days after I arrived there and three days after I came back,” Jongseong says, playing with the food in front of him. “But it was good. I guess that will soon become my favorite branch.”

Jungwon is dying to ask. He wants to know what Jongseong’s father does; wants to know why he’s involved with such things. He suddenly feels like Jongseong is someone that has more than unfunny jokes and playboy antics – and he’s curious about that side of him.

“Our Jongseong here is actually an entrepreneur, Jongwonie!” Sunghoon jokes, brushing his shoulder over Jongseong’s. “Did you know he and his dad have a tailor shop that became an international brand because of him?”

“No, I never heard of that,” Jungwon replies bitterly, eyes meeting Jongseong for the first time since he arrived. “He never said anything to me, except asking for my number.”

“That’s why you should have given it to him!” Sunghoon complains, chopping his steak. “You two could have talked and you’d know how brilliant Jongseong is.”

Jungwon smiles, as he watches Jongseong act like he wants to hide. It’s funny. Very funny.

It’s summer again when Sunoo arrives back in the country.

When he decided to go to a university abroad, both Jungwon and Sunghoon were heartbroken. They knew it would be weird not having Sunoo around, his giggles and sassy remarks. Sunghoon, especially, hasn’t said anything about him ever since the airport day. Jungwon knows, as Sunoo told him, Sunghoon whispered “please come back soon” and “I love you” right before Sunoo entered the departures area. It stung when he first heard, but it got less and less hurtful as the time went by.

Somehow, the first year of college showed Jungwon he has broader horizons than just suffering from an unrequited love. He’s his own person, he has projects, he can work hard so that dream internship is a possibility by the end of the next year. He’s someone who doesn’t have to worry about love and all that crap. He’s not incomplete as he used to think. Right?

Wrong.

Because the minute Sunoo is back and Jungwon sees how Sunghoon gets brighter by the mere sight of their friend, it hurts all over again. He doesn’t mean it, of course he doesn’t. But the bittersweet taste on his mouth makes him wince at the view. They barely left the airport and Sunghoon and Sunoo have already hugged like a long distance couple meeting again after a while. Which… They basically are. Although none of them has made a move yet. And Jungwon is still the rejected best friend who has to deal with a broken heart plus his friends acting like they’re idiots.

What makes it worse is when he turns around and meets Jongseong gaze.

Ever since he came back from that trip and toned down his behavior, Jungwon has been getting along with him. He’s actually funny when he’s not trying, and he shares a lot of hobbies with him – like playing guitar, watching old movies, trying new recipes and stargazing whenever the sky is clear enough. Jongseong has been taking him to new restaurants, just as Jungwon takes him to his favorite photography spots around the city. And, of course, now they chat all the time through the phone.

Jungwon would like to say they have become friends somewhat, but that isn’t enough; Jongseong is actually a friend he cherishes now. That’s why he knows that Jongseong knows how he’s feeling as he watches Sunghoon and Sunoo reunite again. He told him a little about what happened during high school, his stupid crush and how had to watch his two best friends fall in love with each other but, God knows why, not be together. So, Jungwon tries to hide, but he knows Jongseong can read his expressions, like there’s an open book written all over his face.

He moves forward and holds his hand, getting close to whisper, “Wanna grab a coffee while we wait?”

“Yes,” Jungwon whispers back, noticing he isn’t properly breathing.

He takes a deep breath and, before anyone realizes, they’re away from the little crowd of Sunoo’s family and friends who are there to celebrate his friend’s arrival. He wonders if he’s the worst friend ever, if Sunoo will hate him for lying back then – when he promised he’d let Sunghoon go.

“I can hear the gears of your brain working from here,” Jongseong says, as they wait in the line. “And it doesn’t sound really good to me.”

Jungwon laughs, humorlessly, and feels a small tear fall over his face. “I’m just pathetic, hyung. And in need of a coffee.”

Jongseong reaches his cheek, and cleans the single tear. “You’re not pathetic, Jungwon. And your coffee is on me today.”

“Thank you,” Jungwon whispers again. “You’re indeed a good friend, Jay hyung.”

Something lights up in Jongseong’s face, something Jungwon can only figure hours later, after they had their coffee and a small talk. After they went back to Sunoo and Sunghoon and everyone else to go out for a dinner. After the dinner at their favorite barbecue place, the one they went to when they were in high school. After Jongseong dropped him off at his place and bid him a “good night, Wonie.”

Jungwon is already on his bed, staring at the ceiling, when he remembers, a million chats ago, he told Jongseong he’d only call him by his nickname after he became his friend. Jongseong, in return, promised to only call Jungwon by his when his hope of having a chance with Jungwon restored.

“Fuck,” Jungwon whispers to himself.

Jungwon tries to avoid it, he tries to pretend he hasn’t noticed how nice Jongseong is. How happy he makes Jungwon feel, how comfortable it is to be around him. He tries to brainwash himself that his smile is just another smile from a friend he likes a lot, and if his heart rate goes up a little, it’s completely fine. It also happens with Sunghoon, right? So it’s fine, he is fine.

Still, they keep glued to each other, going out almost everyday. He’d keep gulping down everything and pretending to be fine, if it wasn’t for Sunoo whining he’s not getting any attention from his best friend. They agree to go out and Jungwon regrets it the minute Sunoo starts to talk, after they meet at the mall entrance.

“You know,” Sunoo says, as they’re walking through the mall corridor. “I noticed how close you and Jay hyung are close.”

For context, Jungwon was forced to promise he’d reserve his Saturday afternoon for Sunoo after that dinner. They have a lot to catch up with and Sunoo bribed him with lunch at his favorite place there. Jungwon couldn’t say no, and didn’t want to, but he wishes he did as he notices how Sunoo is approaching the topic.

“Yeah,” Jungwon replies with a disinterested tone, as he pretends to look at the store's showcase. “We’re kinda friends now, yes.”

“But why didn’t you tell me, Wonie?” Sunoo pouts, pulling Jungwon close to him. “You promised to tell me everything when I left here.”

“I don’t want to admit we’re friends, Sunoo, because I kinda like him now. And me liking him would be a disaster, because I know he likes me, but I’m afraid of losing him to someone else now that we are friends, like I did with Sunghoon,” is what he wants to say.

“I thought you’d like the surprise,” is what he goes with, instead.

Sunoo throws his head back, laughing. “I thought you hated him, Jungwon! You’d spend hours complaining about him when you called me.”

“Well,” Jungwon scratches his nape, a little speechless, “I did, but he became a whole new person after he stopped joking around. Now he’s… Different.”

“What do you mean?” Sunoo asks, pulling him aside so they can sit over the bench close to them. “How’s he different from before?”

Jungwon stares at the store right in front of them, avoiding Sunoo’s piercing eyes. “Remember when I told you all he ever did was to annoy me? That… changed.”

“Changed for good, I suppose?” Sunoo asks, in a tone Jungwon knows is a stern one.

“He…” Jungwon trails off, not knowing how to explain it better than saying. “He became a friend. A real one, who knows how I’m doing just by looking at me. We share things we love and he always looks up for me as much as I do to him. It’s… Good. Comfortable. Feels like… Feels like I’m home when I’m around him.”

Sunoo looks at him with an expression that seems like he just had an “Oh. Oh.” moment and that worries Jungwon. But the next second his expression changes and he squints his eyes, exclaiming, “You mean you found a replacement for me, Jungwon?”

His wroth tone makes Jungwon laugh, so Sunoo continues, “You think it’s funny, hun? I’ve been your best friend all this time to come home and hear this?”

“Chill, Sunoo,” Jungwon keeps laughing, but hugs him. “He’ll never take your place, Sunoo, it’s not like that…”

But Sunoo is neither stupid nor naive, hence why he drops the bomb right after. “So, what is it like? Are you into him, then?”

Panic rises up on Jungwon’s throat, his skin crawling. He huffs out a laugh, then looks at his friend in confusion. ‘No, no, he’s not right,’ he thinks. ‘Sunoo is out of his mind.’ He’s caught off guard with the question, wondering what makes Sunoo have such an assumption about it. He stares back at his friend, his eyes almost popping out of his skull, and all Sunoo does is laugh.

“You can’t hide anything from me, can you, Jungwon?” Sunoo keeps laughing, as Jungwon frowns at him. “Now I believe I’m still your best friend!”

“Sunoo, I never said that I–”

“Cut this shit, Jungwon,” Sunoo cuts him mid sentence. “You can pretend all you want around anyone else, but I know you all too well to realize when you’re hiding something.”

Jungwon huffs, a mix of arrogance and anxiety caused by Sunoo’s takes. “You’re saying I like someone I obviously don’t? I will take back your best friend title, Kim Sunoo!”

Jungwon is pouting, but feels his cheeks get warm. He knows it’s red all over and he hates himself for being this transparent with Sunoo. Silence takes over the place between them and it weirds Jungwon out. When he looks at Sunoo, the same realization expression he had a few minutes before is back.

“Oh,” Sunoo huffs, making Jungwon confused. “Oh, no, Jungwonie… You don’t know.”

“What?”

“You didn’t…” Sunoo trails off, just to go back laughing. “Jungwon, how come you didn’t notice your own feelings?”

Jungwon stares at him, in silence. ‘Fuck,’ he thinks. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck.’

To make things worse, he doesn’t have an answer for Sunoo. He doesn’t know what to say for a good ten minutes, until Sunoo decides to change the subject after noticing the distress he provoked on Jungwon with the question. It’s not like he is to blame for asking, but he still takes it as his fault and Jungwon only notices it because he pays for his ice cream – Sunoo only ever does that when he wants Jungwon to forgive him.

He’s happily accepting, ice cream in hands and arm laced to Sunoo’s, as they walk around the mall. But of course, he has to run out of luck and bump into Jongseong. And, of course, it has to be in a dramatic scenario – rose strawberry flavored ice cream smashed all over Jongseong’s plain white shirt. Jungwon wants to dig a hole in the middle of the hall and disappear for the next year, but Jongseong is smiling.

“I thought you said we were friends, Wonie,” He says, trying to clean his shirt the best way he can with napkins Sunoo got them minutes before the disaster. “Have you changed your mind and decided for revenge?”

“Hyung!” Jungwon whines, but he still moves forward to try helping him. “I’m really sorry for that, I should–”

Jongseong reaches for his hand, holding it softly, while staring at him. “Chill, Wonie. I’m joking, I also didn’t see you coming.”

Jungwon stares back, unable to properly answer him. His brain feels foggy, and his skin burns right where Jongseong is touching. He knows it’s ridiculous, he knows they might be looking out of place, standing in the middle of the mall looking at each other like this. He knows this is not a rom-com, not even a badly written fanfiction; no, this is his life, too fucking real at the moment being. But if he’s being honest, he doesn’t have any idea of what he’s doing with it right now.

“Well,” Sunoo clears his throat, catching both of their attention back. “Sunghoon is waiting for me, Jungwon, so I guess I should let you two talk, right?”

Jungwon furrows his brows. “You don’t–”

“I do, he just messaged!” Sunoo exclaims before Jungwon can end his sentence, so he knows he’s just making this up. “I better get going, but you two go and find him another shirt, hm? There's plenty of options, but you two might get a fit! Bye!”

Jongseong snorts right after Sunoo gives his back to them and sprints towards the exit. He lets Jungwon’s wrist down and keeps cleaning his shirt. Jungwon just raises his eyebrow at him. “What now?”

“Nothing,” he shrugs, throwing the dirty napkins in the trash can right next to them. “I just get why he and Sunghoon never left the flirting phase.”

Jungwon keeps watching him, brain running faster than he’s used to. He wants to say something, he wants to agree with him. But his sudden reaction seems to be the best thing he could’ve done and now he’s useless. So, he can only manage to say “Yeah… Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“Are you okay?” Jongseong asks, looking a bit concerned. “You look a little pale...”

He moves closer to Jungwon, hand motioning to reach his face, but Jungwon steps back, in panic. “I’m okay.”

Jongseong stares at him, hand still in the air, like he’s frozen in time. It takes a few seconds until he processes it, but he then lowers his hand and looks down. Jungwon feels an instant urge to reach out, to caress him and say something. He wants to act up, he wants… He wants so many things he can’t name at the moment, because he’s scared they’ll reveal more to Jongseong than he’s ready to.

“You know, Jungwon,” Jongseong says, looking up at him, “this hot and cold thing you have with me, I’m kinda done with it.”

Jungwon furrows his eyebrows as he looks at Jongseong. “Sorry?”

“I don’t know what is going on,” Jongseong continues, looking a bit distressed, “but I don’t want you to act like we’re close one moment, just to pretend we’re back at stage zero again in the other.”

Jungwon doesn’t reply.

“See?” Jongseong continues, and the smirk he has on his lips doesn’t match the disappointed tone on his voice. “You can’t even deny it.”

“I don’t…” Jungwon trails off, looking for words to say. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“All you have to do is say you want me too, Jungwon,” Jongseong almost whispers, in a pained tone. “In full honesty, I want you to love me too, but I’m happy to be your friend if you can’t love me back. I just need to know where in the scale I am for you.”

Again, Jungwon doesn’t have an answer for that.

Jungwon shows up at Sunghoon’s door later that same night. He feels like he’s not thinking clearly since Sunoo said such words, even worse after meeting Jongseong.

‘Jungwon, how come you didn’t notice your own feelings?’

‘All you have to do is say you want me too, Jungwon.’

His mind is still blurry, but he’s able to open his phone and search for the number he’s looking for. He calls once, twice, a few more times until a raspy voice picks up.

“Hello?”

“I’m at your door,” Jungwon says. “We need to talk.”

“You know what time it is?” Sunghoon hisses, but Jungwon hears the fuss from his blanket. “It’s hella cold, you’ll be sick.”

“It'll be worse if we don’t talk, hyung,” he states, feeling cold shivers go down his spine. “Just come here.”

“Okay,” Sunghoon replies and turns it off.

It takes a few seconds until he opens the door to find Jungwon shivering from the cold. “Are you insane? Come inside.”

Jungwon follows him to the place he has known his whole life. Only now he wonders where Sunghoon’s parents are and if they’ll be bothered by him and Sunghoon talking here this late. He just came without a second thought.

“My parents are traveling,” Sunghoon says, as if he’s reading Jungwon’s mind. “Let me get you a blanket and some warm water.”

He leaves before Jungwon can protest. Not long after, he’s back with the blanket Jungwon used to have whenever he spent the night and the cute cat cup Sunghoon’s mother bought for him because ‘it reminded her of him’.

When was it that everything changed and Jungwon started to feel like he was replaced?

“They always ask for you,” Sunghoon says, as he sits by Jungwon on the sofa, once again seeming to read Jungwon’s mind. “They ask me why you’re never around anymore, when you’re coming for another sleepover.”

Jungwon shyly smiles. “It’s like we’re still 10 for them, isn’t it?”

“Well, they also ask me when I’m getting a job and becoming stable enough to marry, but yes,” Sunghoon laughs a little, scratching his scalp. “I guess they think we’re still 10 when they think of us together.”

“Do you?” Jungwon blurts out, eyes glued to Sunghoon.

Sunghoon furrows his brows as he stares back at Jungwon. “Do I what?”

“Think of us as children,” he gives back, expectantly. “Think of me as a child. As your childhood best friend, I guess.”

“Jungwon, what are you talking about?” Sunghoon asks, but Jungwon can see it in his eyes; he knows what he means with his question.

“That’s all I am to you, right?” His eyes start to water, and he’s shivering again; not because of the cold. “All I am to you is your childhood best friend, right? Nothing else.”

Sunghoon sighs, closing his eyes and pinching his nose bridge. He stays like this for what it feels like hours to Jungwon, but not even a minute has passed. Sunghoon looks up again and Jungwon regrets coming here for a second. He regrets putting Sunghoon in this position; putting himself out in the open like this. He shouldn’t have come, he shouldn’t –

“I knew you liked me, Won-ah,” Sunghoon whispers, getting his attention again, confessing it with a small smile on his lips that almost seems sad. “My parents did too, hence why they kept all your stuff here and kept asking about marriage. They’d pay for us to go abroad and marry, you know?”

Sunghoon smirks, not looking very happy, but Jungwon wants to scream. He came here looking for closure, but he realizes he isn’t ready to finally face rejection. He isn’t ready to feel his lungs burn and his heart combust. Even though he spent the whole day trying to figure his feelings for Jongseong out,

“Why?” is the only thing Jungwon is able to ask.

Sunghoon sighs, staring at him to say, “I just always thought that you could do better.”

Jungwon’s lungs fail him; he can’t avoid the hiccup that comes before the tears. “How could someone be better than you, hyung?”

“I don’t know,” Sunghoon brushes off, and his expression infuriates Jungwon. “But it’s not that hard.”

“Hyung, it’s just that–”

“Jongseong is,” Sunghoon cuts him off mid-sentence, decisively.

Jungwon blinks once, twice, then a couple more times, completely in silence. He stares at Sunghoon, words slipping from his lips because he can’t quite come up with any. He wants answers, he wants Sunghoon to explain what he means with it. But Jungwon can’t say anything, he can’t demand it from him.

“You know it’s true,” Sunghoon says first, still staring at Jungwon’s eyes like he can read his mind. “You know it.”

“I– I don’t, hyung,” Jungwon feels the tears stream down his face. “How is he better than you?”

“Because he is in love with you,” Sunghoon replies, caressing Jungwon’s wet cheeks. “He has been since he laid his eyes on you for the first time, I’m afraid.”

“How– how do you–” Jungwon hiccups again, trying to make sense with his feelings and words. “Did he tell you?”

Sunghoon's smile grows wider and he cups Jungwon’s face. “Ah, Jungwon-ah, you really have no idea of how he looks at you, don’t you?”

“He just–” Jungwon sniffs, trying to clean the tears the best he can with Sunghoon’s hands on the way, and proceeds to lie. “He’s always joking, isn’t he? When he says he wants to be my boyfriend… It’s not– He doesn’t mean it, does he?”

Sunghoon is the one to sigh, not letting go of his friend. “I think that’s something you should ask him yourself.”

‘Jungwon, how come you didn’t notice your own feelings?’

Jungwon hates it.

He hates Jongseong, he hates how Sunghoon can possibly be right; like he was there when Jongseong said those words.

‘All you have to do is say you want me too, Jungwon.’

Jungwon hates Sunoo and Sunghoon once again, because their thing, that’s also not a thing, made his life way more difficult. In another life, Sunghoon would’ve fallen in love with him. Gradually, as the years go by, Jungwon is sure that Sunghoon would look at him and feel something else. That his constant and soothing presence would make Sunghoon change his mind.

Jungwon is also sure that if Sunoo and Sunghoon had finally got together during that White Day, he’d be able to go over his crush faster. Maybe, in a different timeline, he would meet someone else before college and be with them. Or maybe he’d look at Kim Minji, the girl from his class who everyone knew had a crush on Jungwon, and see something else — maybe even fall in love with her.

In all those scenarios, he wouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t have to confront his own feelings, he wouldn’t have to admit that maybe, just maybe, there’s a moment, months after he met Jongseong, in which he stops feeling annoyed by him and starts to find his jokes a little funny. There’s a moment in which things change; in which Jongseong doesn’t make Jungwon’s skin itch, but rather gives him goosebumps. There is a moment he starts to look pretty, then handsome; now he looks like the person Jungwon may be in love with.

‘Jungwon, how come you didn’t notice your own feelings?’

He does now. It’s right in front of him, like a huge billboard with shining words.

So, he proceeds with the best option of what he can do about it now. He hates Sunghoon and Sunoo for not doing anything about themselves; about their unresolved feelings, because Jungwon now has unresolved feelings for Jongseong as a consequence of the lack of decisions from them. Or, at least, he thinks he can blame it on them. But there’s something else. Something Jungwon can’t name, moving weirdly from his heart to his stomach.

Something that makes him consider ‘what if?’

‘All you have to do is say you want me too, Jungwon.’

If you’re thinking the fifth time is also about Jongseong, I’m sorry to say, but you’re wrong.

The ‘what if?’ sensation doesn’t leave him throughout the whole night. So when Jungwon wakes up the next day, he decides he doesn’t want to wait. He doesn’t want to keep wondering, keep waiting to be loved. Once Jungwon realizes his feelings and the sincerity of Jongseong’s, he runs after him; after his own happiness. He goes to Jongseong like a pilgrim running towards a water fountain after crossing the desert. He doesn’t want to wait any longer, he doesn't want to forbid himself from loving him.

As long as Jongseong loves him back, then they’d be good.

When he knocks on his door, he knows his face is bloated and still a bit red from crying, but he holds his best smile to a confused Jongseong. It’s a little early in the morning and it doesn’t fail to Jungwon’s sight how cute he looks wearing a button-down silk pajama – a very Jongseong style. He smiles openly, heart doing that funny thing he used to think it was annoying before.

“What is going on, Wonie?” Jongseong immediately asks, moving closer and holding Jungwon by his shoulders. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“You,” Jungwon giggles, and feels a little dumb thinking of the speech he’s about to hold. “You happened, Jay hyung, and I hated you for so long until I couldn’t hate you anymore.”

“Wonie?” Jongseong snorts, still confused, but Jungwon notices how his eyes sparkle. “What do you mean?”

Jungwon sighs, and ends their distance by hugging Jongseong. “I know it’s rushed, I don’t think I thought this through enough, but I’m tired of wondering when I want it. I want this now, I want you too.”

He can feel when Jongseong’s breathing hitches and his body tenses up. For a second, Jungwon is afraid it is too late, even though it’s only been a day. Less than 24 hours might be an eternity, right? And he doesn’t have all the experience to be sure Jongseong would wait any longer for someone who’s been pushing him away since day one. To his luck – or just a reasonable conclusion in such a short amount of time, if we’re not being as dramatic as him – Jongseong is really waiting for him, as he engulfs Jungwon into his arms and kisses him for the first time.

After that, Jungwon learns that love, for him, isn’t about hurting or mourning, like he once considered. No, love is about caring, being around, spending every second you have in order to seize life beside his loved one. It’s not perfect, but it’s enough to make him feel alive. Jongseong gives him that, but he also reciprocates. Love is a two way street, as his mother always says.

Which is why the fifth time actually makes Jungwon angrier than miserable. It takes years, as in after their whole high school and college years, for them to finally make a move. And it’s not even like they don’t know each other’s feelings, but they’re two idiots, as Jungwon concludes. Imagine all the suffering Jungwon had to go through just because neither of them had the courage to “ruin the friendship”? Sometimes, he just wishes he could knock some sense up to their brains because it gets very tiring to watch it develop; better yet, not develop at all. He doesn’t do it because he feels he holds some fault at it. Yes, he had completely left his crush for Sunghoon in the past, but Sunoo didn’t — even though he knows his friend is madly in love with Jongseong.

So, throughout almost five years of college, Jungwon has to watch painfully how they orbit around each other and never do anything during every summer Sunoo is in town. Sunoo, with longing stares and sighs, and Sunghoon, with his playful but somewhat pitiful tone whenever the topic comes around. It is annoying, even tiring sometimes. But never boring. Sunghoon always makes a fool of himself and Sunoo buys it.

At least, Jungwon isn’t alone anymore. Jongseong became a part of their group, as well as his other college friends Jake and Heeseung. They all know about Sunoo and Sunghoon's pitiful-yet-never-fulfilled love story. They’re there for emotional support, very much needed when both of your best friends won’t do anything when they’re actually in love with each other. Now that Sunoo is back for good, they’re all testimonies to the disaster they are.

It’s during Christmas night, a few months after Sunoo graduates and establishes himself, when the whole ordeal starts. They all decide to have a big dinner at Sunghoon’s parents’ house, since they’re traveling the next day to visit his sister. It’s the first Christmas she’s away and Sunoo is back and, as one of Mr. and Mrs. Park ‘adopted children’ which basically includes all of their children’s friends, the couple want to make sure they’ll have a proper celebration before they leave.

Gathered around the dinner table, Jungwon notices how Sunghoon and Sunoo are all smiles and giggles with each other. He gives knowing glances at Jongseong, who smiles back and mouths ‘you know what happened?’, to which Jungwon replies by shaking his head. He wants to know what’s going on between them, but he also doesn’t want to force an answer in front of Sunghoon’s parents. He also notices how Heeseung and Jake notice, and at this point, his parents are very much aware there’s something going on between the two rascals. That’s probably why when Mrs. Park clears her throat, all eyes snap at her immediately.

“So,” she starts, a smug smile dancing on her lips, “today is the day Sunghoon finally gives me the grace of calling my dearest Sunoo my ‘son-in-law’?”

Sunghoon spits the water he’s drinking, Sunoo’s mouth gape so low Jungwon can swear it touches the floor, all while Mr. Park claps and the rest of them cheer. “Mrs. Park, you’re the best!” Jongseong shouts along with Heeseung.

“Mom!” Sunghoon exclaims, between coughs, drying the water he spit over his shirt. “Have you lost your mind?”

“Oh, son, give your mother a break, please,” Mr. Park brushes off, denying with his hands. “Your mom is waiting for this day ever since Jungwon came here and broke her heart, telling us he was dating our Jjongjong!”

And with that, it’s Jongseong who stops laughing and Sunghoon is the one to point his fingers and laugh. Jungwon wants to laugh too, but he’s the one being called out, so he takes a hold on his laughter. Sunghoon keeps laughing, along with Heeseung and Jake, and Sunoo also finds it funny. The topic ends up changing, so they don’t clarify what is going on, but the fact that Sunghoon’s parent show their appreciation over a possible relationship between them is what makes it wholesome.

Jungwon knows it’s sweet and out of love that Mr. and Mrs. Park joke about the matter and he considers it a blessing to be able to have them around. His own parents didn’t accept his relationship with Jongseong, but Sunghoon’s parents gave him the support needed to move on. Seeing them acting like this, teasing Sunghoon about Sunoo, makes him feel warm and grateful.

What makes him feel miserable is to see Sunoo crying during New Year’s Eve at Jongseong’s place, after seeing a drunk Sunghoon kissing a girl they have never seen before. How could he after that dinner? How could he have that level of acceptance and love over his possible relationship with Sunoo and, in the next opportunity, act like a fuck boy?

Jongseong and Heeseung have to hold him before he fulfills his threats to ‘cut Sunghoon’s balls and throw him bleeding in a shark tank’. You know, his promise to Sunoo is also a two way street – and he is indeed ready to cut Sunghoon into a million pieces for breaking his best friend’s heart.

“You won’t solve their problem by cutting him in pieces, Wonie,” Jongseong reasons, as he pulls him away from the living room to his room. “Sunoo needs you more than anything right now.”

Jungwon snaps back at him and sees when they stop right in front of Sunoo. He’s sitting on Jongseong’s bed, hugging his own legs, looking smaller than usual. Jungwon doesn’t think twice before crawling over the bed and hugging his friend, pulling his back to his chest. He hears when Sunoo gasps, but he shushes his friend.

“Shh, I’m here, Sunoo,” Jungwon whispers, rocking their bodies back and forth, like he’d put a baby to sleep. “I’m here with you.”

Sunoo doesn’t make a sound, not even a hiccup leaves his lips. But Jungwon can feel the tears dripping on his forearms. They stay like this for what seems to be hours, Jongseong having left long before to let them be. Jungwon doesn’t say a word, contemplating what to actually say, since Sunoo isn’t saying anything.

Sunoo has become unpredictable after all the years he spent abroad. In multiple situations, Jungwon could swear he’d react a certain way, but he did the other. It took some time for Jungwon to understand it, after all the years they spent together, a time when he could read Sunoo like an open book. The last four years abroad made Sunoo quieter, more introspective and it changed how he responds to almost all situations.

Until now, the only thing that hasn't changed is how he reacts to the ‘Sunghoon situation’. He always looked cheerful, hopeful. His cheeks always get bright red whenever Sunghoon compliments him; his cute pout always comes along with the mourning whenever they fight. It’s almost like things didn’t change, like Sunoo didn’t change at all. But as they hear everyone outside shouting to get together for the countdown in a few minutes, Sunoo turns to face Jungwon and he can’t understand what his friend’s expression means.

“It’s time, Jungwonie,” Sunoo says, calmly, while his nose is red and Jungwon can see the tears’ trail over his cheeks. “We’ve got to go and say goodbye to this year.”

It takes Jungwon by surprise. “But you… Do you wanna go there? With that face?”

Sunoo laughs, cleaning the tears with the back of his hand. “You know that I’m not crying because he kissed that girl, right? We’re not teenagers anymore, for God’s sake.”

“Well, I–” Jungwon trails off because, and proceeds saying honestly, “Yes, I actually thought it was because of it, yes.”

Even though he admits it, he knows Sunoo is right, and it makes him feel ashamed of his reaction, for not considering there could be something else happening. They’re all grown now and Sunghoon has had his fair share of one night stands that everyone knew about, Sunoo had it. It’s not like they didn’t go on dates, met other people, all while hiding their feelings. If Jungwon thinks logically, it would be a bit strange for him to react like this over a kiss, yes, when he didn’t react that badly to the previous ones. Why would it be different now?

“No, Jungwon, we don’t…” Sunoo trails off, turning back so he’s fully facing Jungwon. “We’re not technically together.”

“But the Christmas dinner…?” Jungwon asks, thinking if he read it all wrong. “I thought Mrs. Park was right about you two.”

“Well, she is– was partially right, Wonie,” Sunoo shakes his head, looking down with a shy smile. “Me and Sunghoon, we… We decided to give it a try, a little before dinner that night. Not officially, but we wanted to see if, after all this time, we could be a thing for real.”

Jungwon crosses his arms, a bit annoyed to learn about it. “And how long did it take for him to mess up? Less than a week? I guess Sunghoon isn’t very true to his so-called feelings.” Sunoo laughs and Jungwon pushes his shoulder, more annoyed with his reaction, and he continues, “It’s not funny, Sunoo. He can’t play with your feelings like this…”

Sunoo’s laughter dies quickly and stares at Jungwon, a look that Jungwon knows – a self pitiful one.

“I’m afraid I’m the one doing that, Jungwon,” Sunoo whispers, and Jungwon watches as the tears form again in his eyelids.

He reaches out to clean the ones falling. “How come?”

“I told him I’m leaving again,” Sunoo says, and Jungwon tenses, furrowing his eyebrows. “I haven’t told you before because it wasn’t until earlier today that my boss confirmed. But I’m going back, since they need a head representative at the office back where my university is.”

“You got a promotion?” Jungwon’s mouth gapes, happiness taking over the sorrow feelings rapidly. “Oh my God, Kim Sunoo, you’re so–”

He engulfs his friend again into his embrace, making Sunoo laugh again. “I know, I know. It’s a big deal, I’m algo proud I’m the chosen one.”

“I’m so fucking proud of you, I–”

Then, it hits him.

‘I’m going back, since they need a head representative at the office back where my university is.’

He stares for a long moment at Sunoo, who tilts his head waiting for the real reaction. He might have changed, but he knows Jungwon hasn’t changed at all. He’s still too much of an open book to his best friend, maybe even a bit naïve. Still, Sunoo holds his sweet signature smile and waits for Jungwon to process it. He looks gentle, almost like he’s the one who has to be understanding with Jungwon’s situation, and not vice-versa.

“Oh,” It’s all he manages to say right after.

Sunoo moves his head, agreeing. “He was making plans for us the last couple days and this came as a bucket full of cold water over him. He just… I just… I have to make a choice, Jungwon.”

Jungwon just looks at him, silently. ‘What choice?’, he’d ask, if he didn’t know better. Sunoo’s words are as clear as river water to him. He has to choose between going or staying, leaving everyone behind or surrounding himself with his family and friends, including Sunghoon. He’s still too absorbed when happy screams take over the room, making them both a little disoriented.

When they look back, it’s Jongseong who has just opened the door. “Are you two coming? It’s time.”

Jungwon looks back at Sunoo, looking for the answer to another question he wants to ask. He has a million, to be honest, but this one has a less obvious response than the first one.

‘What did Sunghoon hyung say about this? Did he ask you to stay?’

“Let’s go, Jungwon,” Sunoo stands up, offering his hand to his friend. “I told you it’s time to say goodbye.”

Jungwon knows the answer. He feels like throwing a tantrum, ugly crying and begging Sunoo not to go because he just got back and he managed to stay the last four years without his best friend around knowing he had a date to come back. He wants to go after Sunghoon and make him beg Sunoo to stay, to stay with him, with all of them. He will demand him to do whatever it takes, even if it means to force him to finally confess and end this nightmare.

He wonders if there’s anything he can do to change his mind, to make Sunoo not go.

But Sunoo said it himself, ‘we’re not teenagers anymore’.

He can’t do that. Sunghoon can’t do that. None of their friends can do this. They’re all grown-ups now, adults. He can’t change his best friend’s mind just because he wants him around. Jungwon can’t make him give a chance this big because he thinks he won’t bear not having Sunoo close to him again for an indefinite time. Sunoo went to university abroad because it was his dream. Working there now would be a welcomed extension, wouldn’t it? How could he be so selfish to ask him to stay?

He sighs, shaking his head, but accepting Sunoo’s help to get up and back to the living room, “let’s go, then.”

That’s when he gets angrier than miserable. Because, deep down, he knows exactly how Sunghoon reacted to this – and Jungwon hates his friend for being so fucking stupid.

Sunghoon doesn’t show up at the airport.

During college years, there wasn’t a single occasion where Sunoo arrived or departed that Sunghoon wasn’t there. So it’s weird to Jungwon that he simply doesn’t come. Sunoo is dispatching his luggage and everyone is waiting to bid their goodbyes, but Sunghoon. Jungwon kinda wants to go to his place to drag his ass all the way to the airport and have him to, at least, say goodbye to the man he loves before he regrets it.

“Where’s Sunghoon?” Jake asks, looking around, with Heeseung by his side also looking for their friend. “Is he stupid or something like this?”

“Oh, that we can guarantee he is!” Jongseong laughs, but Jungwon notices his irritated tone. “That stupid motherfucker will regret this later.”

“And if he doesn’t, I’ll make sure he suffers,” Jungwon completes, crossing his arms, only to notice the three of them staring at him with incredulous expressions. “What? Y’all know how much I suffered for these two to just not do something about their stupid feelings!”

“What feelings?” Sunoo appears behind him asking, making Jungwon jump like a scared cat.

“Sunoo! What the fuck?” Jungwon complains, hand going straight to his chest.

Sunoo brushes off, looking around through the airport hall. “Heard my name, I got curious why you were badmouthing me.”

“Dramatic Sunoo is in the house, guys!” Jongseong jokes, earning a shove off from Sunoo, who’s actually smiling.

“No need to be mean, hyung,” He says, pulling his backpack over his shoulder. “I know you’re wondering where Sunghoon is, so I guess we are the same.”

Silence takes over between them, and Jungwon can’t contain himself from pulling Sunoo to a hug. They stay there for a few seconds before he can feel the rest of them joining. It feels like forever, but also a split second before Sunoo is pulling away.

“Okay, guys, no pity party here!” He claps, but the tears are visible in his eyes. “It’s his loss for not saying goodbye to his best friend, right?”

Jungwon squints his eyes and crosses his arms. “I thought I was your best friend, Kim Sunoo.”

“Me too,” Jake joins him, already by his side. “I baked you cookies for later and I have to hear that?”

“Right?” Heeseung whines, pouting and making Sunoo laugh. “I bought the most expensive tie I could find for your first day of work and that’s how you repay me? With ingratitude?”

“The next time you’re back, don’t look for us, Kim Sunoo,” Jongseong gives the final speech, and Jungwon almost coos with how adorable he looks. “Look for your ‘best friend’ Sunghoon!”

Their antics make Sunoo laugh even louder. He pulls them for another hug, and the four of them end up giggling along. It’s bittersweet, Jungwon notices, as he opens his eyes and meets the other’s gaze tearing up. Saying goodbye marks a new chapter in their life, a closure. Their friendship was set in a way, and now neither of them knows what distance and time will bring to their table.

This way, he realizes he can actually understand Sunghoon.

He wonders how he would feel if he was in his shoes; if he was the one who had to say goodbye to his loved one after years and years of a slow burn romance they never quite allowed themselves to live. He wonders if he had to choose between the life of his dreams and Jongseong; between career and love. He questions himself if he’d be able to pick, if picking wouldn’t break him, if being broken wouldn’t make him want to hide and not face his problems at all.

Jungwon realizes he’s still angry, but he’s also miserable. But this time he can’t blame neither Sunghoon nor Sunoo; it’s on how adulthood and destiny played their part in forcing Jungwon to grow up and see things as they are. Neither black or white, but a weird shade of gray that he can’t name – although it’s still a sad and heartbreaking sight to have.

Making choices isn’t only about the choice per se. It’s also about what you’re leaving behind that can be too much. Jungwon knows Sunoo is not only choosing to go, but he’s also choosing not to see his family in person everyday, not going to his friends’ gatherings every week. He’s choosing to leave Sunghoon behind; Jungwon knows all too well that a long distance relationship would never work. This makes Jungwon’s heart tighten and he can feel his eyes getting watery when Sunoo comes at him for a last hug.

“Already crying, Wonie?” Sunoo jokes, but Jungwon can see tears rolling over his face. “Come here, I can’t leave you behind crying like a kid without hugging you.”

He engulfs his friend into his arms, holding him as tight as he can. Jungwon breathes in deeply, smelling the colony Sunoo uses ever since they first met. To Jungwon, it smells like the school cafeteria, unexpected rain on a summer afternoon, ice cream during their winter break and every night they spent binge-watching super heroes movies.

It also smells like goodbyes. All the ones he gave to his best friend every time he went back after the summer vacation during their college years. Jungwon knows he should be used by now, so why does it feel worse than any other goodbye that he had to say to Sunoo before?

“I’ll be here for Christmas every year, Wonie,” Sunoo whispers promises to Jungwon as they hug, “and I’ll bring you fancy presents every time to make up for everything that happened throughout the year. And it’s not like FaceTime doesn’t exist, so–”

Jungwon feels the tears streaming down his face and sighs deeply, cutting Sunoo mid-sentence. “I just need you, Sunoo. I just need your yearly hug, just like we did for the last couple years.”

Sunoo leaves their hug and stares at Jungwon, holding him by his shoulders. “You’re my best friend, Jungwon. I’ll always come back to you.”

Jungwon decides that, if he could turn back time to any moment of his life up until now, it would be to the day he met Sunoo. Not to change anything, but just to experience all the memories he has for the first time again.

He’d live it all again, even the times where he felt annoyed by Sunghoon nagging him about Sunoo, their never-ending slow burn that resulted in his own heartbreak. He’d live everything, even this goodbye, if he gets to have Kim Sunoo as his best friend.

#5+1

The next time it happens it’s during their wedding. Sunghoon and Sunoo’s wedding, to be more precise.

By now, you must be reading this with a confused expression and a lot of questions in mind on how the hell did we get here. But what you don’t know is that it has started way before, still at the night Sunoo left.

Jungwon is already sleeping, hours after he left the airport. He went to Jongseong’s place and cried his heart out on his boyfriend’s chest, who held him through it all. Jungwon promised to him he isn’t childish like this all the time, but Jongseong laughed and told him to rest easy.

“He’s your best friend, Wonie,” Jongseong says, as he caresses him. “I’d find it weird if you weren’t sad.”

“Consciously, I know it’s unreasonable,” Jungwon replies, sighing. “I know we’ll meet again soon, we’ll be there for each other even with distance. But it just… hurts, you know? I prepared myself for four years of physical distance, not a lifetime, hyung.”

“Like you said, it’s just physical, Wonie,” Jongseong holds his face, staring at him with a sweet smile. “You’ll always be each other’s person, no matter how distant you are. But you’re not childish because you miss him already.”

Jungwon hugs him, thankful he grew enough to give this man a chance. He hated every minute he spent watching Sunghoon and Sunoo fall in love, but he understands now that was what led him to here and now, on Jongseong’s arms. He falls asleep resting sure that, no matter what happens, he’s still surrounded by love.

The only thing out of place is Sunghoon and what he made Sunoo go through right before he left. The whole New Years’ Eve fiasco, not showing up at the airport. After all these years, Sunoo also deserves this feeling, so why wouldn’t Sunghoon do that for him? The last thing he remembers thinking before drifting off to sleep is to scold Sunghoon the next time they meet.

Imagine his surprise when Sunoo calls him in the middle of the night and it’s Sunghoon that he sees through the screen.

“Hyung? What the–” Jungwon’s shock takes over his voice. “Where’s Sunoo? What the fuck are you doing with his phone?”

Sunoo appears right behind Sunghoon, with the biggest smile he has ever seen. “Hey, Wonie! Surprise!”

Turns out the reason why Sunghoon wasn’t at the airport was because he departed the day before. After their scene at the New Year’s Eve and Sunghoon’s terrible decisions, he decided he wouldn’t be able to keep on living without Sunoo. So, when Sunoo landed, retrieved his luggage and walked out of the international arrivals side, he’s met with a pair of loving eyes and a sweet smile he has loved for years now.

Sunghoon didn’t tell anyone but his parents, who acted like they didn’t know where their son was when they were at the airport with Sunoo. He asked them to keep his secret, even from Jungwon, because he decided that, after everything they went through, Sunoo deserves a great gesture of love. Of course, he had to tell them why, and they scolded them like he was still 12. But in the end, they agreed on his decision to leave and find happiness besides Suno, that is, if he wanted to be with him.

“So,” Jungwon starts, after Sunoo and Sunghoon happily explain it. “you had me plotting to chop off your dick twice in less than a week, gave me stress induced gastritis and made me wake up at ass o’clock after I spent the night crying because I miss Sunoo for this?”

Jongseong, who also woke up to the call, burst out laughing. “You’re so fucked, Hoon-ah.”

The panicked expression Sunghoon holds on the screen almost makes Jungwon laugh along. Almost.

So three months later, Jungwon is standing right besides Sunoo by the altar.

It isn’t a surprise that he’s Sunoo’s best man, nor that they decide to get married abroad, since it’s still illegal back in their country. But he made the effort – one which he didn’t quite measure before flying 30 hours in an uncomfortable seat, eating a weird meal, barely sleeping and almost crying when he and Jongseong checked in at the hotel when he laid on a comfortable bed and checked that their suit had a massive shower.

He’s just thankful that Jongseong’s experience flying to many different time zones had him insist that they’d fly a day before the wedding, excusing he’d need to rest and have his body to adjust so he’d not look like a mess in the wedding pictures. Jungwon was too anxious to get there and meet Sunoo and Sunghoon, fighting he wouldn’t need that, that he’d be ready as soon as they landed. Hours later, laying on the hotel bed and dozing off immediately, he manages to bid a ‘thank you’ whisper to Jongseong for being insisted and convince him otherwise.

The next day passes by in a blur and Jungwon can’t process much, due to jet lag. But he at least looks fine as the makeup team set for him and his friends, who arrive a few hours before the wedding, start to work on him. He manages to have a friendly talk to them and make fun of Heeseung and Jake for making the same decision he’d make if it wasn’t for Jongseong.

“You’re lucky I’m too tired to fight, you little shit,” Heeseung groans, pitching his nose bridge. “But at least the files were sent.”

Jungwon and Jongseong both stare at him, looking confused, and ask at the same time, “Files?”

Jake opens the biggest smile Jungwon has seen in a while. “I’m adopting. Well, we are, but the whole process has been set up under my name, back in Australia.”

“Perks of marrying an Australian lawyer, I guess.” Heeseung smiles and gives Jake a peck. “We’ll live there for a while, just for us to get adapted to the kid and he to us.”

“He?” Jungwon asks this time, eyes doubling the size. “You already know the kid?��

“We do.” Jake smiles proudly, grabbing his phone and looking for something before he hands it to his friend. “Riki Nishimura. He’s turning 6 in December, his parents are like me, raised in Australia, but originally they’re Japanese.”

“We fell in love with him since the first time we met him,” Heeseung tells, looking dreamy and paternal. “He’s energetic and loves to play tricks on us. The orphanage director told us he only does that to the caretakers he likes.”

Jungwon smiles, but he also questions himself: when did time pass for them? When did they stop fighting over stupid things and started to grow like this? Back then, everything felt like it would last forever. And now, here they are, at Sunghoon and Sunoo’s wedding, Heeseung and Jake talking about a kid they’re adopting, him and Jongseong making plans for the future. He questions how everything seems to have passed so fast, yet he feels like they’ll be friends forever.

“I can’t believe you’re becoming parents before me,” Sunoo’s voice take everyone in the room by surprise, as he exclaims in a seemingly irritated tone, but when Jungwon looks at him, he’s holding a beautiful smile.

He looks angelic in Jungwon's eyes, the white outfit matching his aura. The Sunoo he knows always looks pretty, but right now, he’s stunning. He’s sure Sunoo is ready, with how bright he looks. They all hug and compliment him, but Jungwon takes his time to just watch everything from the side. They all look so happy, and Sunghoon probably is too – although they can’t meet him since Sunoo said they’re “not going against traditions”, so they can’t see each other before the ceremony. They’re all joking lightly, like they’re used to. Watching like this, Jungwon knows time has passed, but having them around like this has him feeling like no time has passed at all.

Jungwon stares at them, smiling.

He wants to keep this memory forever printed on his brain.

Right before the ceremony, Jungwon meets Sunghoon. He looks nervous, cleaning his sweaty palms over his slacks, like he always does. Jungwon smiles at it when Sunghoon catches his sight.

“I think I’m going to die, Wonie,” Sunghoon seems breathless as he speaks, eyes looking around nervously. “This is a lot. I love Sunoo, but I’m– I’m just—”

“Wanna call it a day and cancel the whole thing?” Jungwon provokes him, leaning on the wall and crossing his arms. “I can help with that, Sunoo will find a replacement in no time.”

Sunghoon rolls his eyes, getting closer to Jungwon just to punch him lightly on the shoulder. “What the fuck, Wonie? Aren’t you supposed to be my ‘best man’?”

“Correction: I’m Sunoo’s best man,” Jungwon makes sure to emphasize, laughing at Sunghoon’s disbelief. “You picked Jongseong. I have nothing to do with you, my brother.”

“After all these years, that’s what I get from my childhood best friend?” Sunghoon snorts, leaning his back on the wall beside Jungwon, “I thought you were better than this.”

Jungwon huffs, closing his eyes and pretending to be annoyed. “You gave me a heartbreak and you think I should help you? No, no, no!”

He notices the joke doesn’t land when silence follows and he opens his eyes to see a worried look on Sunghoon’s face. Shit.

“Jungwon, I–”

“It’s a lighthearted joke, hyung,” Jungwon cuts Sunghoon mid-sentence, reaching over to caress his arm. “Please, don’t take it seriously.”

Sunghoon looks at him and sighs in relief. “Sorry, I thought you were going to confess or some crazy thing like that.”

“Confess?” Jungwon scoffs, laughing. “When I got Jay hyung back home? No, no, I leave this burden to my poor Sunny. He puts up with your shit better than I could ever do.”

His answer sends the conversation to a brief pause. A single moment where Jungwon knows Sunghoon, like him, is thinking about everything that happened after they both met Sunoo. How their life forever changed with the new kid’s arrival. It could be them right now, marrying, if Sunoo never appeared. Or maybe they’d never work well together, even if they tried.

There are tons of scenarios that they could’ve lived, but still, this feels the best of them. Words go unsaid, but deep down they know this is happening and they got each other’s back forever, like they promised when they were kids.

“You better not run away, you know?” Jungwon threatens, but still gives Sunghoon a small smile. “I have this promise I made and you better keep with your part on the plan. Make him happy or I’ll cut you into a million pieces.”

Sunghoon looks at him, his smile telling Jungwon everything he needs to know, “You know I can’t live without him. All I want is for him to be happy, especially if he’s with me.”

“Good,” Jungwon nods, and proceeds to walk back to the venue. “See down the aisle, bride.”

When he gets to his assigned position, Jongseong is waiting for him on the line. “Where were you?”

“Making sure Sunghoon shows up where he’s expected to,” Jungwon jokes, enlacing his arm to his boyfriend’s. “You know he got history.”

“He sure does,” Jongseong snorts and lightly caresses his shoulder. “Are you ready?”

Jungwon looks at him. If he’s imagining his own wedding in a few seconds while at it, you can’t actually blame him, can you?

“To spend the rest of my life with you? Yes,” Jungwon replies, watching Jongseong blush. “To see both of my best friends get married and be gross for the rest of our lives? Maybe not.”

It breaks the ice, but Jungwon is still able to feel Jongseong’s heart racing when he’s engulfed by him in a hug. So he considers his Jay hyung is ready for it too.

“You better not regret this, Sunoo,” Jungwon whispers to Sunoo as Sunghoon enters the place. “I’m still ready to cut you in pieces if you break his heart.”

They’re already at the altar, Jungwon and Jake by Sunoo’s side, Jongseong and Heeseung on Sunghoon’s. Jungwon stands right beside Sunoo when he whispers. His words had Sunoo laughing back then, but now he wonders if maybe it was that promise that made him so unsure for so long. He promised to Jungwon to not hurt Sunghoon, but Jungwon knows now this is a promise you can’t make. Feelings change, hearts break, people leave. Sunoo spent years afraid of those things, of breaking his promise. But Jungwon did his part of the deal — he moved on and has found happiness around Jongseong, who is smiling right across Jungwon now.

They both know better than this. But Jungwon also knows Sunoo wants to fulfill his part of the deal too.

As Sunghoon gets closer to them with the biggest smile both Sunoo and Jungwon have ever seen him wear, Sunoo says “I promised, didn’t I?”

Jungwon nods, in agreement.

“Then it’s a deal,” Sunoo looks briefly at Jungwon, and blinks.

So this is also the time where Jungwon thinks things would’ve been very dark if they weren’t together. It wouldn’t have been that funny to watch them orbit around each other and fail to hide their feelings. No, it would have been disastrous not to be here and now, watching them elope. Once again, Jungwon thinks there are so many scenarios he could be living, and this one has him thankful. Because a lot wouldn’t have happened if things didn’t go this way.

It wouldn’t have made Jungwon outgrow his feelings and realize him and Sunghoon would never work as a couple — because, between you and me, Jungwon can’t actually stand some of the shit Sunoo accepts from Sunghoon. They’re not bad, but they get on Jungwon nerves and sometimes he thinks Sunoo is a saint for laughing it all off. It also wouldn’t have allowed him to grow feelings for Jongseong, to fall in love with the actual love of his life. Looking at him, standing right across the room whispering something Jungwon wants to believe is ‘I love you’, he thinks this is destiny. Jongseong is his lifeline, as he always loves to say.

It wouldn’t have made Jungwon grow up. It wouldn’t have taught him that life goes on and it’s never like you originally imagined. But along the way, you find something to fight for. You find people you want to have around. You find love, loss and heartbreaks. You find pieces of yourself in someone else you’d never imagine you would. You find reasons, you make plans. You miss the past, but you also look forward. Because the life you thought you could have might not go the way you dream when you’re a teen – but it’s okay, because it can get worse. But it can also get better, even when you think it won’t.

Jungwon considers he’s lucky enough it got worse in the best way possible for him. He lost things that he thought to be essential, but they weren’t. He changed his viewings on a lot of opinions he thought would last forever. But, most importantly, he’s now able to acknowledge his own growth and to watch his friends’ growing too. It’s part of life, he can currently admit that. A song he once heard said that ‘the world will turn and we’ll grow, we'll learn how to be incomplete’ and he didn’t get it back then; why’d he have to learn to live like that? But now he does. So when Jungwon looks at Sunoo and Sunghoon exchanging wedding vows, he is actually thankful.

It would have been horrible if Sunoo and Sunghoon had never fallen in love with each other.

(But he is still very much grossed when they insist on kissing in front of everyone at every chance they get after that.)

#fanfic #enhypen #rps #5+1 things #sungwon #sunsun #jaywon #Spotify

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