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just-jordie-things · 7 years ago

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Lovely - Bill Denbrough

word count: 9703 warnings: georgie’s death, pent up dark emotions, swearing

[prologue]

She was a normal child, y/n. About as normal as you could get in Derry and still be unique enough to have people notice her. Actually, she was so much more than normal, but she kept the facade of being average up in fear of being anything… weird. Her parents always told her to never stick out, to never attract attention to herself, that she was weird. And a part of her listened.

The other part of her longed to dance in the rain, to sing in the shower, to leap of cliffs with her boys into the lake. She was artistic, she was sweet, and while she had a softness to her, there were sharp edges that just dared others to rub her the wrong way.

She was an honored member of the Losers club, having been a part of it since it was founded back in the third grade. y/n had met Bill that year, and the two instantly had clicked. It was like they’d been destined to be best friends.

She was sitting at her desk while all the other girls were playing with the dolls at the dollhouse during indoor recess. Bill was sure he’d spent the last ten minutes staring at her instead of working on the race car track with Richie and Eddie.

“Stare any longer and your eyes’ll fall outta your head” Richie said, adjusting his glasses before socking his friend in the arm. Bill winced, but his gaze on the girl only faltered for a brief moment, before he was staring back at her again.

“Sh-she’s really pretty” He commented, and Eddie scoffed in disgust.

“Pretty leads to sex. That’s what mom says. Sex leads to disease” He said, and while Bill had no idea what the hell that meant, he didn’t really care.

“You’re a disease” Richie uttered, causing Eddie to retaliate and soon they were hitting each other with wooden blocks. In the meantime, Bill stood up and wandered over to the girl’s desk, a nervous tremble in his hands as he stood over the table. She looked up at him, surprised to see someone around her at all. Usually she kept to herself, she didn’t expect to have friends to play with during free time.

All Bill could do was stare, but this time it was at her bare arm, the sleeve of her sweater having been rolled up to her elbow. Over it, were various bands of crayola marker inked onto her skin, all up her forearm

“W-woah” He stammered out, and the girl smiled brightly at him. He hadn’t figured to find her coloring all over herself.

“I like the colors” She told him. Holding up her arm with pride.

“Y-yeah colors ar-are fun” Bill responded, and she smiled again before going back to work. After a few moments, she realized that he was still standing there.

“I’m y/n” She spoke, her voice timid at the simple introduction.

“I-I’m B-Bill” He replied, a bright and happy expression taking over his features. y/n stuck her hand out to the boy, and her soon to be best friend, and he shook it enthusiastically. Thus beginning their friendship.

After a few weeks of getting to know each other, eating lunch together, partnering up in class together, hanging out at recess, he finally asked. He asked her to meet the rest of the Losers gang.

seven years later

y/n smiled to herself as she pulled down the hood of her blue raincoat, a long and awkward thing for her to wear as it fell all the way to her knees. She had been walking quickly to avoid the rain, but lost care and took her leisurely time, enjoying the rainfall. Bill was home sick, and she knew Georgie would need someone to play with. She splashed her shoes in the water, not caring that they were getting soaked through and that her socks were practically ruined.

Her arrival was ten minutes later than originally planned but the entrance was just as exciting as always. She didn’t knock anymore, just walked inside and announced she was there.

“Good afternoon Denbrough residence!” She called, and not halfway through her exclamation little feet were pounding against the floor in a dead sprint.

“y/n y/n!” Georgie’s voice that always seemed to hold a child like wonder to it echoed throughout the foyer as y/n pulled off her wet shoes and socks, before he came barrelling into her arms.

“Georgie!” y/n giggled joyfully as she picked him up with ease, swinging him back and forth as she hugged him tightly.

“Okay okay! I’m six not three” He said whilst laughing as he was set back down. “Bill’s sick” He told her, and she pulled a face.

“Can I see him still?”

“Yeah! We’re gonna make a boat to play with in the steams from the rain!” y/n smiled at his excitement as he yanked her towards Bill’s room. The young boy knocked a few times but didn’t wait for an answer from his brother before walking into the room.

“Georgie-” y/n was about to scold him for his impoliteness when she heard Bill speak up.

“y/n?” He called in a croaky voice after hearing her familiar tone carry through the room.

“She came over to play!” Georgie called, climbing up onto Bill’s bed. His older brother laughed awkwardly, pulling on the blankets as Georgie indirectly messed them all up.

“Here, Georgie why don’t you go find some wax for your boat” y/n spoke up, helping him off the bed as she saw Bill’s discomfort.

“But it’s.. It’s in the cellar” He said, looking up at y/n with big doe eyes of fear. She knelt over, smiling at him and booping his nose with the pad of her forefinger.

“You’re Georgie Denbrough and you’re scared of an old shitty cellar?” Normally Bill would’ve chastised her for cursing around the six year old but he was too tired and nauseated to care.

“But it’s… dark” Georgie mumbled, but y/n just winked, standing up and going over to Bill’s desk before grabbing his walkie talkies, turning them both on and handing one to the boy. She held the other close to her lips and pressed the button before speaking.

“y/n to Georgie, y/n to Georgie, come in Georgie” The boy grinned and laughed as her voice came muffled through his receiver, and turned to leave the room.

“Thanks n/n!” He called as he ran away. The girl chuckled, watching him until he turned the corner, before twirling back around to face Bill.

“How’re you feeling Billy?” She asked in her softest tone as she unzipped her long coat, having to bend over just slightly to completely open it. The boy shrugged as she set the blue material over his desk chair, revealing her jeans and plain red tee shirt.

“N-not puking a-anymore” He said, and she smiled as she sat on the edge of his bed, her hand holding her up on the mattress.

“Well that’s good” She said with her kind smile that he was certain could cure him. “Missed you in school today. Had to hear about how this shirt makes my boobs look good from Richie” y/n rolled her eyes and Bill nearly did too, a small groan coming from his throat as well.

“I m-missed you t-t-today t-to” He stammered out, swallowing the lump in his throat that only worsened his stutter.

“You should go to sleep” y/n sighed, leaning off the bed and standing up again. “The more rest, the faster you’ll heal- oh, speaking of which” He watched as she went over to her coat and dug into the pocket. “Eddie told me to give you these” She revealed a bag full of a multitude of pills, all varying in shape and color and size, and making Bill’s eyes widen.

“W-what are a-all those?” He asked, and she laughed as she set the bag onto his bedside table.

“No fucking clue” She responded with a chuckle, looking from the medications to him, her features softening as her eyes lingered for a few lasting moments.

y/n jumped and nearly yelped when the radio static of the walkie talkie crackled, and she rushed over to it to hear whatever it was Georgie had to say.

“y/n I got it! I’m coming up!” y/n laughed as she could hear him rushing as quickly as his little legs could take him back to Bill’s room.

“Alright kiddo great!” She responded and was at the door just as the boy came galloping towards the room, out of breath and panting as he handed her the wax. She was certain he went so fast because of how afraid he was, but didn’t mention it aloud. “Thanks for being so quick your brother was boring me to death” She joked.

“Hey!” Bill argued, but burst into a coughing fit. y/n gave him a sympathetic look before Georgie started tugging on her wrist to help him with the boat.

“Okay okay, I’ll help” She chuckled and he stood and watched as she expertly folded the boat the way Bill had shown her so many times before. Georgie watched in total adoration as she took a pen and wrote in a neat font S.S Georgie. “There ya go” She said softly, handing him the paper folded boat.

“Thank you so much!” Georgie threw his arms around her neck in a quick and tight hug, she didn’t even have the time to hug him back before he released. “I gotta go play with it!” He yelled before he was running off again. “Love you guys!” He added, and soon they heard the front door slam shut. y/n’s heart swelled, and she spun to exchange a look of pure happiness with Bill.

“Did you hear that?” She murmured, her hands covering over her heart as her smile made it’s way to her eyes. Bill chuckled, his own smiled pulling his lips upward.

“Come on, Georgie’s s-so in love with you, y-you might as w-well take him huh-home with y-you” y/n smiled at him and went over to put her coat on.

“Well I love him too” She gushed and leaned over him as she pulled her sleeves over his arms. “I’m gonna go make sure he doesn’t wander off too far” She told him, and pressed her lips against his forehead in a quick peck of a kiss. “I’ll be back in a bit” She told him and he merely nodded as she headed out of the room.

All he could do was sit and stare, even as she’d left he was just left with his mouth hanging open. Sure, he’d hugged her and they cared about each other deeply, he’d even shared a bed with her a few times during sleepovers, but lips had never touched skin before. And it was a feeling he never wanted to forget. Yeah, he was pretty embarrassed that he was sixteen and had never been kissed before, but it just felt like… there could be something. Bill was just too anxious of a person to make a move.

“Georgie!?” y/n had run out of the house, her shoes untied and coat still being zipped up as she made her way through the rain. “Jesus how far did this kid go?” She muttered to herself, growing out of breath from all the running. “Georgie?” y/n called again.

“Down here!” She squinted to peer down the street, seeing him hunched over in his little yellow raincoat at the side of the road.

“Georgie what’re you-!?”

“Come meet Pennywise!” The girl’s brows furrowed as she paused for a moment, then began to quicken her pace to the point of running. Complete and utter fear consuming her as she struggled to get there fast enough.

“Georgie don’t! Come here!” She yelled through ragged breath.

“No y/n it’s okay! He’s a friend-“

It was like her entire world stopped, as Georgie’s happy voice was cut short by a loud shriek as he was suddenly tugged towards the sewer, and all that she could see was the red surrounding the waters.

“George..” Her voice was quiet and weak as her feet moved without her realizing it, bringing her closer to the agonizing screaming of the boy, repeating his name, louder and louder. Until she was desperate and flying towards him. She could see clearly now he was missing the most of his right arm as he dragged himself as far from the sewer as he could manage.

“Billy! y/n!” Georgie screeched, reaching towards her as her own arms flung to him, her hands grasping around his one. “y/n! It hurts!” He screamed and cried.

“I’m right here, it’s okay, you’re gonna be-” Suddenly her comforting but panicked words were cut short by his body being pulled backwards. y/n eyes widened as she frantically yanked on him, trying to gather all of her strength to pull him away from whatever was slowly but surely bringing him back towards the sewer.

“y/n! He’s got me! He’s got me!” Georgie shrieked, both of their faces now covered and soaked with tears and the dumping rain.

“I’m here! Just hold on George- hold on!” Her voice nearly failed her as now his legs were inside of the drain. “Hold on!” She cried frantically, holding as tightly as she could to his left arm, the sleeve of his rain coat clenched in her fingers and surely leaving bruises on the skin beneath it from how hard she’d been trying to hold onto him.

“y/n!”

One final cry, before the boy was ripped from her hands, pried right out like a piece of meat, and vanished under the ground into the sewer right before her.

“G-Georgie” y/n mumbled out looking down at her hands to see the plastic feeling yellow coat, with a ripped and bloody right sleeve. Slowly, she sunk to the ground, her eyes wide and her body beginning to tremble at the realization of what had just happened. Soon she was in a violent spasming of uncontrollable shaking, but not a sound came from her besides the chattering of her teeth in the freezing downpour.

Georgie Denbrough was dead.

y/n spent weeks in near silence. Only speaking when it was absolutely necessary. Which was mostly just to Bill.

They spent a lot of their mourning together, often just sitting with each other in silence. Their grief period seemed to be lasting a lot longer than the Denbrough parents, confusing pretty much all of the Losers club. How could they move on so quickly from their youngest son’s… disappearance?

Death was a dirty, dirty word.

y/n never cried, as far as Bill knew. She never did shed a tear in front of him. He on the other hand, had broken down a few times and tried not to let her see out of shame but she always wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly. Or crawled into his lap when they were sitting and wrapping her arms and legs around him, trying to convey as much as she could that she was there for him, always.

After months of scheming together and traveling far into town to track all the places that the sewer empties out, nothing came up. Bill was certain that his brother was out there, and was alive, and because of this certainty y/n was on board with every plan he came up with, but as more time passed, everyone seemed to have the same thought.

They weren’t going to find him.

Present Day (six months later)

It was a good night, a fun night. Everyone was gathered in Bev’s living room, drinking Colas and laughing as Richie and Eddie got into one of their stupid spats. But it was light hearted and everyone was happy, because nowadays this feeling only came around on rare occasions.

Beverly had told the gang that her father was out on ‘business’ and wouldn’t be returning until the night after tomorrow, so everyone came over with their sleeping bags and snacks and planned to all spend the night.

“I’m just saying! You know how much we sweat in our sleep? It’s disgusting to sleep in a bag!” Eddie shrieked, causing y/n to nearly choke on her cola with a laugh. Bill looked over at her, chuckling himself as he rubbed her back as she tried to stop her coughing.

“You do know you were in your mom for nine months, right?” Richie asked, and Eddie outwardly gagged, his body hunching over as he retched.

“Don’t puke on my carpet I am not cleaning that up” Beverly stated, and Richie continued to egg on Eddie. Eventually y/n began to cringe herself, not wanting to hear about Mrs K giving birth to Eddie.

“Beep beep Richie” Mike grumbled as the girl stood up, shaking her head in disgust and headed towards the kitchen.

“Great, you made y/n sick too” Eddie said, smacking Richie’s arm with the back of his hand. Bill looked from them up to y/n as she walked around the corner into the kitchen.

“I-I-I-I’ll be ri-ri-right back” Bill said, standing up and flattening down the front of his pants.

“I-I’m g-g-g-gonna go ch-check on my g-g-g-girlfriend” Richie mimicked, earning another slap from Eddie. Bill ignored the comment and followed after y/n.

She was standing at the counter, her elbows resting on it and her head in her hands. Bill frowned, walking over and standing across the counter from her.

“y-y/n?” She jumped slightly, looking up to see Bill. “A-a-are you c-crying?” She shook her head, and his brows furrowed. “W-what ha-happened you-you ran o-off?”

“I just came in here to get a glass of water” She responded in a quiet voice, and he looked at her blankly, knowing it was bullshit.

“The-then where is i-it?” He asked her. She didn’t say anything, just wandered over to the cupboard to get a cup. Bill keeps his eyes on her as she fills it at the sink, and takes a tentative sip from the glass.

“You shouldn’t say that word” She finally spoke, a mere murmur in the room. Bill sighed, knowing she’d meant ‘It’.

“It’s j-j-just a w-w-word, w-words c-can’t hurt y-y-you” She wanted to believe him, as she stared at him with doe eyes that seemed to hide every feeling inside of her, she wanted to believe him, especially since it is him. But she couldn’t.

Words are what hurt the most.

“y-y/n?” She blinked, as though zoning out of something. Something that had made her freeze up completely, not taking account of the fact that he’d walked around the counter, his hand resting on her arm.

“S-sorry” She stammered, which he’d caught immediately seeing that she almost never tripped over her words. “Sorry” She repeated, clearly this time. Bill frowned, and she knew that he’d seen through her, as he often seemed to do. He didn’t say anything, just tugged on the arm his hand was still laying on and pulled her into a soft hug. A much needed one too.

Neither of them spoke, not a single word. y/n’s arms slipped around his flannel covered torso and she tucked her head underneath his chin. She’d never really taken into account before that he was almost significantly taller than her. But she appreciated it. He was warm, and she just wanted to melt against him and not let go.

She let her eyes fall shut.

Bill didn’t even think she’d hug him back, in fact he had thought she’d push him away, tell him she was fine and leave the room like she had been doing recently. It was a blatant lie, and a stupid one at that, no one was fine. Not with Pennywise, and not since Georgie. His hands rubbed up and down her back after a moment, and he was rewarded with her small nuzzle against him.

“I-it’s g-g-gonna b-be f-fine” Bill tried to sound reassuring, but they both knew that there was still a lot to be done before everything would be okay again.

“I believe you” She whispered, her arms releasing him only to encircle behind his neck, her head as unmoving as the rest of her body. Bill almost could’ve confessed right there, with her holding onto him in a way that made him feel like playing music and dancing her around. In fact, maybe if his friends (Richie) weren’t there to make comments, he might’ve suggested it.

“C-come on” Bill held back on letting out a long breath as he pulled away from y/n, his hands clasping around her wrists gently and removing them from around his neck. She pulled away, by just a little bit as he set her hands at her sides, his own setting on her shoulders for a moment out of comfort. “L-let’s get b-b-back before they s-st-start to get t-t-too weird w-w-without us” She nodded, allowing a small smile to tug on her lips. He smiled back, and leaned forward to press a kiss to her forehead. y/n’s smile grew in that moment, almost painfully and she had to refrain from flinging herself onto him again.

It was a short little kiss but her heart had never beat so fast. Even as they walked back out of the kitchen with his hand on her back, guiding her carefully back to the group.

The rest of the night went more smoothly, watching films with everyone in their sleeping bags. Except for Eddie, who’d brought his entire, freshly washed, bed sheets to lay out on the couch. Richie was passed out and snoring at the end of the row of sleeping bags, Mike next to him with his face down in his pillow to drown out the noise. Ben had fallen asleep rather easily after having a sugar rush earlier. Beverly ended up going to her room, unable to handle Richie’s obnoxious snores. Bill was by Ben, but a little further spaced apart. Opting to lay closer to where y/n was. She always distanced herself a little bit, sort of out of respect, but mostly because that was her way to ignore Richie.

She was wide awake, laying in her back with a blanket over top of it, bundling her in an extra layer of warmth. Her head was buried against her feathery pillow, and she was dragging her finger through the carpet and making invisible designs as Bill laid and watched. As creeped out he felt by staring at her as he laid there, he had know idea how comforted she felt, how relaxed her body had become as she lay there tracing names and pictures in the worn down carpeting.

“I’m sorry if I’ve kept you up late” She whispered out, as not to wake the others that lay maybe three feet away from them.

“Y-you haven’t” He told her sincerely. I probably wouldn’t be asleep if she wasn’t here anyways. “I-I spend most my time s-st-staring at-at the ce-ceiling before s-sleeping so” Bill shrugged, and she gave him a timid smile in thanks. y/n was so, so fucking grateful for him and she didn’t even know how to say it.

So instead she just reached her previously drawing hand out and wrapped it around his, her eyes meeting his for the briefest of moments before her cheeks grew pink and she flickered her gaze down towards the ground instead. Pretending to inspect the faint lines where her finger had drug through the floor.

“y/n” He spoke her name without a stutter, and he had a moment of pride for that. The tired girl looked back up to him, anxiety flooding over her completely as she was hyper aware of their closeness. Of his thumb just barely caressing over the back of her hand, of the way his eyes flickered between hers, that if she rolled over right now, even just to lie on her stomach, she’d be lying right next to him, their bodies pressed together at their sides.

“Yeah?” She finally spoke up after a silence that seemed to last ages had fallen over them.

“J-just try a-and sleep o-o-okay?” Her lips quirked upwards at the care in his words almost instantly. Bill just had that effect on her.

“That’s kind of hard to do these days” She whispered, her line of sight falling on their still connected hands.

“I-I know” He said, catching the way she seemed fascinated by their hands. “Y-you know w-what helps m-m-me s-sleep?” She looked back at him awaiting an answer. “T-trying t-to not s-stutter” y/n smiled awkwardly.

“But I don’t have a stutter”

“N-no but y-you could h-help if you w-want” He offered. She thought for a moment then nodded in agreement.

“Okay” She agreed. “What do you want me to do?”

She’d heard him practice before, usually he was quiet and would whisper phrases to himself and try his best not to stammer over syllables. She would listen and stay silent so that he could do it in peace. There were particular days where he would grow frustrated with himself and give up on it after a string of curses. She’d wanted to help, she just never knew how.

“Um..” Bill thought for a moment, unsure of how she could help. In fact, y/n’s presence had a tendency to make his stuttering worse. “How a-about you th-think of something a-and I’ll repeat w-whatever you s-s-say” He suggested, and y/n grinned almost maniacally.

“A chance to make Bill Denbrough say stupid shit and look like a fool? I’m in” She rubbed her hands together but instantly regretted the action, not having wanted to let go of his hand. But he’d already moved it away, using it to prop his head up with his elbow on the floor.

“A-alright” He said nervously, his free hand tapping his fingers on the material of his sleeping bag. y/n pushed herself to sit up, on top of her own sleeping bag, but keeping her extra blanket draped around her shoulders to preserve her warmth.

“Okay, here we go” She started, trying to come up with something for him to repeat back to her.

“Okay here w-we go” Bill replied, making her laugh and roll her eyes.

“y/n is my favorite loser” She decided, a small smirk on her mouth from her wittiness. Now Bill was the one to roll his eyes, even though the statement was the truth.

“y/n is my fuh-favorite loser” He got most of the sentence out, but cringed on his slip.

Maybe this was a bad idea, this was humiliating and only further proved why their group were called Losers. But y/n just smiled warmly at him.

“That was great! Just one slip” She complimented. “Wanna do another one?” He nodded in response as she thought about something else to say.

“Try t-to think of s-something hard” Bill said, and she nodded, sucking in her lips and squinting her eyes while thinking.

“Like a tongue twister?” He shrugged.

“Sure if you w-wanna make me l-look stupid” He responded, and y/n chuckled quietly.

“You couldn’t look stupid Bill” She told him sincerely.

They spent the next hour or so coming up with different things for him to say, random things, funny things, made up tongue twisters that sometimes y/n couldn’t even get out properly. It was growing late, and the room was almost pitch black. The only sounds being Richie’s continued snoring and their quiet whispers as they laid across from each other. Both tucked into their sleeping bags again.

Their eyes would begin to droop shut as they spoke, sleepiness washing over them and suddenly their makeshift beds were so inviting. And warm. Their voices grew even quieter, below whispers and then silent for a few minutes. A while passed before Bill realized that she had almost fallen completely asleep.

“Goodnight y/n” He said without a single slip, and settled into his own bag and closing his eyes to go to sleep.

Her own eyes fluttered open, a tired but soft smile on her lips as she whispered back.

“Goodnight Bill” And like that she was out like a lightswitch.

“Do you think we should wake them up?” Mike pondered aloud as he looked down at Bill and y/n, fast asleep on the floor, with the late morning light poured over them from the open window. The whole crew was circled around, watching them sleep there, and wondering what to do. The plan was to go to the quarry for some swimming and cliff diving, but these two wouldn’t wake up.

“No, maybe let them sleep a little longer” Beverly said. “In the meantime I can make breakfast” She suggested, hoping the boys would leave the two alone.

“It’s disgusting, they’re so close. They’re gonna get-”

“Eddie” Mike kicked the hypochondriac in the shin slightly. “If you say AIDS, I will scream”

“That’s not even how it fucking works dumbass” RIchie’s voice raised, and everyone gave him a wide eyed look, gesturing between him and the sleeping pair still on the floor. “Oh fuck off” He muttered and walked off towards the kitchen. “Their cuddling is not going to stop me from eating a fucking meal” He called. The others watched Bill and y/n intently, making sure they wouldn’t wake. But they didn’t even stir.

“It’s kind of nice” Ben admired them. y/n had reached to him in her sleep, her one hand wrapped in his and the other hooked under her head as she’d moved off of her pillow and laid on the actual floor to be closer. “Do you think they went to sleep like that or do you think it happened overnight?”

“Definitely happened overnight” Eddie snickered. “Billy boy would never have the balls to cuddle her while they’re both conscious”

“Maybe he would” Beverly shrugged, her lips pursed as she thought. “I mean, he stares at her all the time what’s he got to lose?” Eddie snorted louder now, but instantly clapped a hand over his mouth.

y/n stirred on the ground, her brows tugging together for a moment as she moved awkwardly. Only to lay closer to Bill.

A small squeak made it’s way through Eddie’s hand as Bill’s hand squeezed hers for a moment, neither of them fully conscious or aware of their own actions.

“Oh my God” Eddie’s hand lowered.

“Holy shit” Mike muttered.

“They’re so in love” Ben swooned. The other two boys gave him a bored and grossed out look. But Beverly smiled.

“Come on, let’s just leave them be” She said, and they followed her into the kitchen where Richie was already helping himself.

Bill awoke not too long later, y/n still fast asleep and snoring ever so quietly in front of him. He was surprised to find her lying so close, but even more so to find her hand was held in his. It took everything he had to stay totally silent as he loosened his hold on her fingers, hoping not to wake her as he got up. Luckily she stayed asleep even as he adjusted her to be laying back on her own pillow. She snuggled right into it as he smiled before heading to the sound of his friend’s voices.

“Hey lover boy!” Richie exclaimed, and Bill’s face flushed pink, realizing they must’ve seen them sleeping.

“W-we were j-just sleeping” He defended immediately

“Yeah whatever” Richie rolled his eyes. “Of course you were” Bill looked back at him confusedly, not understanding what his friend was talking about.

“It was so sweet, you should ask her out” Ben said, and Bill nearly jumped at the thought, his eyes wide and his flushed face burning now.

“W-what wh-why-why would I-I-I do-”

“Stop butchering it kid it’s clear that you like-” “Like what?” Bill spun around and almost toppled to the ground when he heard her voice. There she was, shuffled into the kitchen with her blanket around her and her fist rubbing her eye like a tired child.

“Likes my pancakes better than Mike’s” Beverly spoke up, covering for the boy. Bill made a mental note to thank her later. y/n nodded and smiled.

“Yeah me too” She whispered, and Mike looked between the two with fake hurt in his expression.

“I feel attacked” He mumbled to himself. Bill chuckled and awkwardly walked over to the cupboard for a plate to make his breakfast.

“It’s okay Mike, I still like your pancakes” Ben spoke up, trying to fill the silence.

“Are we still going to the quarry today or are we all just gonna awkwardly stand in the kitchen like a bunch of fucking kids?” Richie spoke, his mouth full of pancakes as he stood, opting not to sit at the table.

“That depends” y/n said groggily, keeping her blanket around her shoulders like a robe as she trudged for a bowl of cereal. “Are you gonna stop being such an asshole trashmouth?” He sneered playfully and she stuck her tongue out at him before laughing. “Why were you all up so early anyways? You should’ve woken me up we could’ve left by now” She said, putting milk in her bowl of Life, and stirring her cereal together

“Oh, you just seemed so comfortable” Eddie said in a mocking tone that made y/n’s brows furrow in confusion.

“What?” She questioned.

“Yeah, didn’t wanna ruin a moment” Richie added, earning a slap in the shoulder from Beverly. y/n looked at the others for an answer, Mike, Stan, Ben, Bill… but none came. So she just ignored it as the boys being stupid and ate her breakfast. They often did random shit like this.

After eating and changing out of her too big sweatpants and tee shirt pajamas, exchanging them for shorts and a plain blue tee shirt, y/n was outside in the driveway with the rest of the Losers. Each of them holding up a bike, but she didn’t have one, so she sat in Bev’s oversized basket on the front of her bike to ride in.

She liked riding around town this way, it always provided a nice breeze and she liked holding her arms up in the air while riding. It was a small moment of feeling pure freedom.

“You ready?” Beverly’s voice drew y/n from her thoughts and she nodded with a small smile as she climbed into the basket as her friend kept the bike steady. “Good?” She checked, and y/n nodded.

“I’m ready” She said with a big smile.

“Ready for anything eh?” Richie snarked, earning a sharp glare from both girls, but y/n especially.

“Not anything you’re offering” She said with a fake disgusted eye scan over the boy with the glasses too big for his face. Bill snickered, and y/n instantly looked over to him as he laughed while getting on his bike. She found herself smiling as she watched him, her eyes unable to pull away or even glance anywhere else.

“y/n? Earth to y/n?” Stan was snapping in her face and she jolted a little as he got in his own bike, leaving her and Bev.

“You are the most heart eyed girl I’ve ever seen” She spoke, and y/n turned to look at her with wide and almost petrified eyes. “Oh please, it took these losers a while to see it, but come on n/n, it’s me” Beverly chuckled. “Of course I know”

“Kn-know what?” y/n stammered and Beverly smirked, pedaling off.

“Don’t even mess with me y/n l/n” Beverly laughed, and y/.n avoided looking at her by letting her gaze land on all the surrounding boys. “y/n” Beverly singsonged her friend’s name to gain her attention again. “I know you like him, why’re you trying to hide it?”

“Because” y/n mumbled quiet so no one else could hear them. “After everything that’s happened? That’s still happening? It’d be… it’s just not right Bev” y/n sunk into the basket. Her legs were hooked over the front of it, and she lowered her arms from the air to wrap around her knees.

“You make no sense. Now is the prime time!” Beverly exclaimed. “There’s no time better than the present!”

“Would you lower your voice?” y/n muttered, but she just laughed happily.

“Think of it this way, Derry’s gone to shit these last couple… well years but lately it’s just gotten worse”

“Where are you going with this?” y/n questioned.

“What if something happens? To either of you? And you never fessed up?” y/n thought about that for a moment in silence. While the thought was dark, she wasn’t exactly wrong. y/n huffed, rubbing her eyes with her fists.

She’d barely even spoken to him since last night, and now all she could think about was telling him how much he really meant to her.

“So? You gonna tell Bill you’re into him-”

“Shhh” y/n hissed. “Don’t talk so loud I-... I’m still thinking” Beverly shrugged, hoping her friend would come to the conclusion to confess.

Because to be completely honest, Beverly saw both sides of this situation. She glanced over as she pedaled and y/n stared up at the sky. Sure enough, Bill wasn’t even looking at the road as he rode his bike. Bev thought for a short moment how hysterical it would be if he were to crash because he was too distracted by y/n.

Lovestruck fools, Beverly thought to herself, but smiled as she shook her head.

“Quarry!” y/n leaped out of the basket before Bev even completely stopped, but didn’t care as she took off running towards the cliff side that the gang spent so much time at.

“C-careful!” Bill called but the warning fell short as the girl tossed her backpack towards the rocks so she could lean over the edge.

“What? Thought your girlfriend was gonna go jump off a cliff?” Eddie teased and Bill scowled, thanking God that y/n could hear.

“Sc-screw off” The boy responded, and followed after y/n.

“Oh right, she’s gotta strip first” Richie said.

“Beep beep Richie” They said in a close unison.

y/n spun around, her eyes darting between Beverly and Bill’s, her bright smile contagious to the both of them.

“Look at the water! It’s so clear!” She said excitedly, and walked over to her bag as she pulled her shirt over her head and set it with her bag, her shorts following. ‘

Once they were all down to their undergarments they stood at the edge. The first jump was always the most terrifying.

“They’re still a bunch of wussies” Beverly mumbled into y/n’s ear, and she giggled as quietly as she could.

“Oh yeah!?” Richie’s voice rose as he took offense, and before anyone could retort he leapt off the edge, free falling into the water. Everyone awaited his resurface in silence, but soon he came right back up from the water, yelling up at them. “Fuck you!”

“I-I think y-you hurt his f-feelings by l-laughing at h-him” Bill said to y/n, who was standing next to him, and she shrugged.

“He’ll get over it” She said, a wicked smile on her face as she looked down at Richie, who was currently giving them all the finger.

“Pussies!” He yelled, and y/n just rolled her eyes.

“Later losers” She winked at Bill before leaping off of the cliff and doing a forward flip before meeting the water. It was cold, but felt good as she came up for air, smoothing her hair back. Beverly followed, then Bill, Stan, Mike, Ben, Eddie always being the last. Standing up at the top and staring down at the drop.

“I don’t know guys” He called. “Maybe not today”

y/n cupped her hands around her mouth to yell up at him.

“It’s nice! You can do it!” She tried to sound positive, seeing that Richie was yelling about how Eddie should just jump to his death already.

After a few more minutes of yelling up at him, Eddie finally jumped, screaming the whole way down, his splash silencing him.

“Knew you could do it!” y/n said, swimming over to him as he resurfaced. Eddie grinned and high fived her.

“That was lame” He muttered to himself after, and swam back to the group.

y/n swam over to Bill, who’d just been floating on his own, but smiled as she came over to him.

“You okay?” She asked softly. “You’ve been quiet” Bill nodded.

“Y-yeah I’m g-good” He said, and she smiled back at him. “I’m just t-tired still”

“Me too, you kept me up late”

“I-I kept y-you up l-late? Y-you fell a-asleep on m-me w-we were in the m-middle of c-conversation” y/n laughed nervously, her cheek flushing pink of embarrassment.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to” She mumbled, looking down beneath the surface of the water as her feet kicked lightly to keep her afloat. She let herself submerge, liking the feeling of the cool water surrounding her. Her hair floating above her and she felt at peace.

She opened her eyes, only to be met with blackness. The water no longer a clear blue around her, just a pitch, dark, nothing. Her eyes widened, and she would’ve screamed if she didn’t fear drowning.

“y/nnn” An eerie voice seemed to sing into her ear. “y/n….” She darted around, frantically looking for the owner of th voice that made her stomach turn.

“Hello?” She croaked, surprised she could speak.

She wasn’t in water, she was simply floating in an empty abyss.

“Hello!?” She yelled louder, desperate to find whoever was speaking to her, to know she wasn’t going insane.

“Fuck y/n shut up” She turned nervously to the owner of the voice, recognizing it. Even though it didn’t contain it’s usual stutter.

“Bill?” Her voice trembled.

“Jesus Christ” She could see him clearly now, right in front of her. His eyes were filled with hate and she was frightened by his rigid stance. “There’s a reason we’re called the Losers, and it’s your fault. Everything’s your fault!” His voice rose and she fell back, surprised to have hit a solid ground, seeing she was surrounded by blackness, except for Bill, who was clear in front of her.

“Wh-what do you mean?” Tears begin to slip out of her eyes, down her cheeks. “What are you talking about what’s going- what’s going on?”

“It’s your fault he’s fucking dead!” Her breath caught in her throat, her e/c eyes wide and a pit grew in her stomach. “Georgie’s gone because of you! He’s dead, because you barely even tried to save him!”

“No… no Bill I did everything I could, I did- I did... I swear I tried my hardest to fight for him” She burst into tears after having held it all in for so long. “I tried!” She cried aloud.

“I tried I tried!” Everyone backed away from where y/n was thrashing and screaming on the ground.

She’d gone under the water, and the next thing Bill realized is that she was drowning. In fact, she was taking in water as though it were air. He’d quickly retrieved her, earning kicks as she continued to violently thrash around as though she were being attacked. He yelled at the others and everyone swam to shore, carefully placing y/n in the grass.

“What the fuck is happening?” Richie muttered, growing frantic by the strange scene before him. It made no sense, she had been drowning, but now she was screaming and moving as though she were completely conscious. Even though her eyes were still closed.

“I-I don’t know I-I-”

“It’s not my fault!” y/n’s plea cut off Bill’s stuttering, and his chest ached. SHe was losing her mind and there wasn’t anything he could do about it.

“What is she talking about?” Ben asked quietly. “What is she seeing…” He trailed off, looking up at his friends in realization. “It’s It, he’s doing it, she’s seeing something she just doesn’t know it isn’t real” Bill’s eyes widened and he went into a state of panic.

“y/n!” He knelt down on the ground and took her shoulders, shaking her rapidly. “y/n it’s not real! It’s not real!” He was yelling the same phrase over and over, and the rest of the Loser’s gang exchanged a look of shock. In all of his pleading he didn’t stammer once, every word came out in a desperate, and clear yell. “Wake up wake up! Open your eyes damnit!”

“Bill…” Richie mumbled, and y/n’s body stilled. Bill halted his shaking on her, and she remained completely unmoving.

“Oh my god” Eddie stared at the girl’s body in absolute fear. “Oh my god she’s dead! She’s dead she’s-!”

y/n breathed in deeply, in need of a gasp of air to fill her lungs. Her eyes opened, gaze falling on the blue skies before seeing the worried eyes staring back at her. Baby blue irises prodding her silently.

“Bill” She cried, reaching up to him and winding her arms tightly around his neck. Sobs followed her call for him, crying hard. Her entire body shook in his arms, and for a few moments he just held her, looking to the other Losers for some sort of answer on how to respond.

She’d never showed this much emotion, she hadn’t cried in front of him, not a single tear. y/n was always the one to keep it together, and he’d admired her for having so much control over her emotions but now he knew the truth.

He held her tighter, a hand running through her hair while occasionally cupping the back of her head. He understood now. She wasn’t in control, she was completely out of it. She shut down in difficult situations, she lost the ability to detect emotion, but now it had built up into something ugly and she was breaking down because of it.

It had known exactly how to get to her.

“It’s okay” He mumbled, squeezing her for a moment before going back to rubbing her back. “It’s okay” y/n sniffled, her eyes shutting tight as she pushed her face further against his neck, willing the images in her head to go away, but they just wouldn’t.

Surely they would all ask her what it was she saw. They must be curious, or worried enough to wonder what her absolute fear was. And it wasn’t that she was against telling them, she just wasn’t sure how.

“Come on, I’m taking you home” It was then that y/n noticed Bill hadn’t stuttered since she’d woken up. She nodded, releasing her hold on him and shakily pushed herself up to stand. Her eyes darted over the other Losers, all bearing the same terrified look that made her decide to stare down at the ground instead. She didn’t want scared and pitiful looks, she just wanted to go home and be by herself.

“Georgie’s gone because of you!” The phrase repeated over and over inside of her head.

It didn’t stop until an arm wrapped around her shoulders, guiding her up the hill to the cliff side where she’d left all of her things. The simple action calming her ever so slightly. She looked over at him, staring intently while he fought himself not to look back at her. Neither said anything, though there were many things that the both of them were just itching to get out

He handed her her clothes, and they both changed before y/n grabbed her backpack and slid the loops over her arms.

“You good t-to go?” Bill asked, cursing that his stutter had returned. y/n nodded as he picked his bike up, moving to sit as far up on the seat as he could so that there was room for her, even though the petite thing barely took up any of her space. She swung her leg over, her arms wrapping around his torso as she settled in the seat. y/n closed her eyes, her forehead leaning against his back as she tried to recoup her thoughts.

Bill pedaled off, careful to ride on the smooth parts of the road so that y/n wouldn’t be disturbed. She appreciated it silently.

When he pulled into his driveway, she didn’t protest against him to take her to her own house. Just followed him inside.

“I’m sorry I ruined the day” She whispered when he closed the door. The fact that she’d even spoke him took surprise, before the words she’d said registered in his head and suddenly he was shaking his head furiously.

“No, n-no y/n y-you didn’t ruin a-anything” He said sincerely, stepping closer to grab onto her hands. “You didn’t ruin an-anything” He repeated a little clearer. “This isn’t y-your f-fault”

Tears fell from her eyes at his last statement, and Bill instantly wished he could take it back, for whatever reason it was that it had bothered her so deeply. Bill frowned, tugging on her hands to pull her closer slightly.

“Hey” His voice grew quiet as he released her to tentatively (and rather shakily), cup his palms around her cheeks. “Y-you’re safe, you’re s-safe h-here” He assured her, staring into her eyes deeply as tears rolled down her cheeks.

“H-he was r-r-right” She sobbed out brokenly. “Y-you were r-right” Bill’s brows furrowed in confusion to what she meant.

“What h-happened?” He asked gently, not wanting to push her into telling him, but still wanting to know so that he could figure out how to fix it. “I-I can fix it if y-you just tell m-me”

He was answered by a small cry, like she was in pain. And she was.

“You can’t fix it” Her voice came out in a breath. “He’s gone and it’s my fault” y/n stared down at the floor, unable to look him in the eyes as she admitted to him, for the first time, the truth of her feelings. “I couldn’t save him, and now he’s never coming back- it’s my fault!” She broke down completely again, falling to her knees before Bill could catch her.

It dawned on him that she blamed herself for Georgie’s disappearance….

For his death.

“Oh, y/n” Bill knelt down in front of her, lifting her chin and staring sympathetically at her, before gathering her in his arms and pulling her against him. “I- I don’t b-blame you f-for that whatsoever. That cl-clown is j-just trying to g-get in your h-head” The girl sniffled and cried into his chest, unable to get herself to stop the on flow of tears.

“It was you” She whispered. “I saw you” Her hands clutched fistfulls of the front of his shirt. “You were pissed you… you hated me” She ended the sentence in a quiet, barely audible tone. Bill’s face fell as he rubbed his hands over her back soothingly.

“I-I could never h-hate you y/n, you kn-know that” She smiled, hidden against his chest. A soft but pained laugh left her lips that made Bill smile, and pull her back from him. “Y-you wanna stay the night?” He asked, wiping at your tears with the pads of his thumbs. Her watery smile tugged a little further.

“Thanks Bill” She whispered. He nodded, eyes scanning over her features as her crying came to a stop. It was quiet, but not uncomfortable. In fact, y/n felt perfectly safe and comfortable. “I should’ve just talked to you first, before it all turned into… well a shitty mess of fear” He smiled sadly.

“I-I’m just glad y-you’re talking to me n-now” He replied, but she frowned in return. “W-why didn’t you t-tell me earlier? W-we could’ve t-talked about it” y/n shrugged her shoulders limply.

“I dunno. I didn’t want to bother you with it…” Bill sighed aloud and all he wanted was to pull her in again for another tight hug. But his frown just deepened and his fingers softly caressed over her cheeks.

“You c-couldn’t have b-bothered me”

“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry” She mumbled, but his frown lifted to a gentle smile and he shook his head.

“I-it’s okay y/n” He told her. “Even i-if it d-doesn’t feel l-like it, it’s o-okay” She sniffled and smiled back at him, leaning into the touch of his warm and inviting palm on her cheek.

“Thanks Billy” She whispered, and wrapped her arms around him in one last hug, her lips planting on his cheek lightly before setting her chin on his shoulder. Bill was lucky that she couldn’t see his blooming blush across his cheeks.

“O-of course” He said, squeezing her before releasing. She wiped the remaining feeling of wetness on her cheeks, and excused herself to go take a shower.

She would take her time, he realized, and decided to sit at the kitchen table with his sketchbook. Like he usually did to pass time. He often just sketched his friends (cough) he often sketched y/n, her different profiles, in different beautiful settings or even just a plain sketch.

Bill spent a lot of his free time on sketching. And more often than not, he always found himself coming back to sketching her. She was like his muse.

The boy paused is actions upon this thought, setting his pencil down and his face scrunching up. y/n was his muse. She was this object of beauty that inspired him to do what he was most passionate about. He smiled, liking this thought of her, and decided he would tell her this. Hopefully it would lift her spirits.

It must've been twenty minutes until she came back into the room, hair damp, and clad her own pajamas.

(both Bill and y/n kept some spare clothes at each other’s houses, but it was her who took advantage of it more)

“What’re you up to?” She asked him curiously, padding over to the table and sitting down at the seat next to his.

“J-just drawing” Bill said. He wasn’t sure why he moved the book over so she could see he was sketching her. He always had worries that she’d stumble across these drawings and that it would come across as creepy.

But y/n smiled as she said, “Bill, it’s beautiful” Eyes full of sincerity as they glanced up to his. “That’s so sweet. I’ve never been sketched before” She told him, and he smiled at her.

“I-I’m glad y-you don’t thi-think it’s c-creepy” He told her, but she just smiled again and shook her head.

“I think it’s lovely” She told him honestly.

“I think you’re lovely” He responded, too quickly, but without stutter.

Both of their eyes widened as his words registered. A silence hung in the air for a moment, before y/n began to smile slowly.

“I think you’re lovely too” She said bashfully, her hand reaching out to hold onto his, like he had done the night before. “Bill I… you…” She trailed off, trying to find the right words to say. Which was really just the beginnings of a bunch of unfinished words. She shook her head, pinks flushing with heat at her own embarrassment. “I think that…. I think that we… that we could maybe…” Her eyes met his under her long lashes, a bashful sort of look that he wanted to begin drawing instantly. He stared back at her, his own ocean colored irises. It was quiet for a moment, and the intensity she could physically feel in her chest was getting too much to handle.

y/n realized that it was your own heart beating against your ribcage.

She wasn’t sure she could take much more of this silence.

“Bill I think we could be-”

He cut the girl off, holding her face gently in his hands and leaning forward to press his lips against hers. It was messy, seeing as neither of them had ever kissed anyone before. But it was sweet and nice nonetheless. y/n’s eyelashes fluttered shut, brushing lightly against his cheek. Hands gently setting upon his shoulders as they pulled away. Her eyes opened, wide as saucers (Though Richie would’ve said Eddie’s mom) and watching him open his own eyelids more hesitantly.

“-something more” She finished in a whisper, with the beginnings of a smile tugging at the end of her pink lips. Bill’s thumb unconsciously stroked over her cheek as he nodded.

“I think s-s-so too” He murmured back.

“Could we… could we try that again?” She asked him quietly, her gaze falling down to his parted and smiling lips. He only nodded, and she leaned back in to softly slant her lips back against his.

It was like two puzzle pieces that had been lost when the puzzle was first being constructed. It was like the whole picture was put together, it was like the stars had aligned, the flowers had bloomed, the sun had risen. y/n had never felt something so powerful and beautiful.

When they parted, Bill wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, one of his hands raising to pet through her hair. He took a quick liking ti holding her close, guaranteeing her safety in his arms.

“N-next time n/n, just t-tell me wh-when there’s a w-weight on your sh-shoulders” He told you quietly, and the girl rested her head against his shoulder. “Y-you don’t have to c-carry it alone”

“Okay” She whispered, her hold on him tightening.

“D-don’t hide from us, es-especially n-not me, okay?”

“Okay Billy” She responded.

They stayed there for a while holding tightly to each other, she she prayed, she prayed her heart out that she wouldn’t let go this time.

xoxo ~ jordie

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