#jabberpersonal

[thejabberwokk]

Found this in my google.docs

Its a train of thought thingie when i had a 6am breakdown

“Pain and sadness and deep cold. Desperation and creeping despair. Beating heart both too fast and achingly slow. The sick pit blooming simultaneously in the throat and in the and gut.  Normal is no more. Exceptional is gone. Carefully constructed neutrality is a lie. Smiles lack depth. Eyes are haunted. Fighting tears and guttural sobs in the depths of night, ashamed and furious and defeated.Too tired to process any of it. Exhausted to the point of wakefulness. Distraction free but oh so scared of the minds whispering. Memories and phantom caresses torment. Remembered whispers and smiles breaking hastily erected barricades.  The gentlemanly touch of skin, warmth flowing then it's gone. Cold and lonely in its wake. “

it works for my bitch ass mind, but also like.. every fandom I’‘m in.. so tagging the shit out of it... lol

[thejabberwokk]

coping with anxiety time.... washed the desk guardians, bought all the ps4 dlc for inquisition (own all on pc already, but video card is dying,) and just took a cake outta the over.

[thejabberwokk]

FUCK my dude wants kids

it's been 12 years and we've been on the same page, kids are not a thing, until apparently 2 months ago....

[thejabberwokk]

been trying to get the ex to actually discuss what he asked about, what he could do to reconcile. I tried to all day and he's brush me off. finally at 10pm he finally listens... because I brushed of the common ploy for sex that is del taco. I love those damn chicken tacos and i gave them up for answers and the fuck boy proved his worth of zero. I killed the mood by waiting until 10pm to finally talking about shit despite trying to talk all week. all i needed from him was a promise of couples counseling and an apology to my mum. that's all I asked for. but no. I'm asking too much, waited to long and im just a burden.

fuck this shit. lol he's playing victim, giving up his room so I can have his bed while he sleeps on the better one in the guest room...id just leave, but i dont dislike his family enough to wake them up with the garage door opening to get my bike.

I'm just so angry at myself. I'm an idiot. and a fool and a failure.

[thejabberwokk]

i am unamused, while being amused. the doofass that ive been trying for 6 months to get it together so we could continue dating has apparently deleted all his social media. he has now done this three times. each time corresponding to an argument/heated discussion in which i have spelled out what i want in life, from our relationahip, and him. biggest thing- better communication. no more texting once a day and then through wow late at night. told him i was tired of it and that it wasnt fair to either of us. and now he hasnt talked to me for like 24 hours and his facebook and insta are deactivated lol. i just... its just so childish... and i want to laugh, and i want to cry. i want to call him. but i dont want to be the one running back. its what i always do. im thebone that always seeks out or tries to placate. lll. i just... im scared hes actually choosing to leave me for good. october would have been 8 years together.

[thejabberwokk]

Okay.. certain peeps are dumb as fuck

How do you get it through someones head that you're trying to give them space? A whole fuckton of space so that they can make an important decision that affects the both of you, without your interference AND without being a total dick and undermining everything you've put forth as evidence as to why your preferred outcome is best????????

[thejabberwokk]

I'm incredibly tired. Been up since 330am weds. Don't really feel down, but I know the moment I try to rest I'm gonna have negative thoughts. It's been almost a month. Stuff feels so weird. We've talked and hung out more than we did leading up to the break-thing. But, the titles are gone. The label. I still love him so much, it's only almost a month after all. I think I have more of a life plan and my shit together than him tho.

[thejabberwokk]

I guess until I see what’s in my bathbomb, these additions will have to do. Death and rage are good indicators of mood, no?

[thejabberwokk]

its 7pm. im tired. im worn out. i’ve had a long day. i can’t deal with my personal life atm. im going to bed.

[thejabberwokk]

today is not a “good” day. started off waking up from a horrid nightmare. couldn’t breathe cuz of allergies, and now im literally crying for no apparent reason*. Not sobbing, just, tears streaming down my face but without any of the allergy nonsense that i wish it was.

*most likely reason is the separation, but I don’t *FEEL* sad atm.

[thejabberwokk]

not a good night not a good night not a good night not a good night

[thejabberwokk]

oh the joys of suddenly realising at midnight when ur about to fall asleep that u have to earn/come up with $300 dollars for bills cuz paydays are fucked again...