#j d’ville posts

[caphhhhfgjdkhgjfj-firstmate]

This entire fuckin’ trip was a waste of my time now ‘m hung over ‘nd ‘aving t’ get back

[regicidal-defenestration]

Please tell me more about the mechsworld (discanisms?) Fic ideas

GLADLY

Under a readmore because it got ~long~ fdhfd

So this is split into three parts because unfortunately that’s the kind of person I am dfjghgj

Mechs + Death

According to Ao3’s word count, I have exactly 7306 thoughts on what would happen if the Mechanisms met Death (you know. The skeleton)

Because the thing is, Death (capital D) understands death (lower case d) perfectly well. He understands the process of life ending, he understands you go one way and only one way. After all, he’s got plenty of experience.

But! All of a sudden you’ve got this crew of eight people who definitely don’t stay dead like they should, plus the Toy Soldier, who’s a different deal entirely jdfghj

Now this doesn’t lead on to my next point really, but I’m moving on anway!

Death is a creature of belief, and so doesn’t obey the laws of physics as regular people. My favourite example of this is the Poker, which goes right through him, but does hit Teatime. Who else do we know that is powered by Belief (well. Narrative reasons (well. nanobots (well. Whatever fits best at the time)))

The Mechs!

All of them (Mechs and skeleton both) are powered by the story, and that is an incredibly interesting alley to explore

Also it’s fun to write situations where Death is inconvenienced .

Must there be “plot”? Is it not enough to imagine the Luggage, running full pelt towards you, the Toy Soldier riding on it’s back?

As the title kinda suggests, I have a bunch of ideas that aren’t full plots (and will likely never be because sometimes ideas just stay Ideas) but are fun to imagine

Ashes O’Reilly and Moist von Lipwig. If ever they started working together, basically you’d be fucked sdfgjhjk

They’d be terrifying at swindling, quite frankly, and if you compare their ability at maths and the like to that of the average Anhk-Morporkian well- it’s hardly a challenge at all

Of course, Ashes may well just take over the Post Office like they did the Acheron and all power to them!

Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson and Jonny d’Ville!

Jonny is the absolute opposite of Carrot in every conceivable way. Carrot wouldn’t hesitate to put him in jail as soon as he physically could and if Jonny thought it’d be funny to cause more problems inside rather than outside of jail he’d let himself be captured. They would not get along

Except

Except if they dealt with children

Carrot “organised the most deadly gangs of kids on the streets and got the to play football without fatalities” Ironfoundersson and Jonny “read to kids in a hospital (and only shot the annpying ones!)” d’Ville would find a grugding sort of respect there

Carrot would be explaining the rules of some game, and the kids would listen because it’s Carrot and you can’t not (and also stood behind him is Jonny and more accurately Jonny’s gun)

Speaking Susan Sto Helit into existence because I love her

Idk she meets the Toy Soldier in Biers

TBI (Discworld Flavour)

So this is much more involved than everything mentioned previously, where I just took characters and moved them around as needed. This is something I very much want to write, and am in the process of planning and, more specifically, finding explanations for a few Fairly Large Plot Points that at the moment I’m kinda hand waving away dfhghjk

TBI (Discworld Flavour) is basically me thinking “hey. What if I rewrote TBI but set it on the Disc, and went from there”

Inspector Second Class Lyfrassir Edda doesn’t exist as a single character (apologies to the Lyf fans who’ve read this far fdghjk). Instead, I think it’d work to split their role across a range of characters, namely Vetinari (and a newspaper) for the narration parts, and the City Watch (specifically Sam Vimes, Fred Colon and Nobby Nobbs) for dealing with Raphaella, Marius and Ivy in prison (those three remain unchanged, because the other three, Vimes especially, would have one hell of a time trying to deal with them)

Odin is a wizard (because, with all respect to Sir Terry Practchett, this is My Town now and wizardry and witchcraft aren’t gender specific (which he did get at, in Equal Rites, but over 41 books there wasn’t much deviation from Male Wizard Female Witch (also non-binary people exist!)). Also Many more people aren’t straight). She’s head of a project to run a train from Anhk-Morpork to the Hub in three hours rather than three days. Naturally, this involves lots of magic, and this magic attracts the attention of Things from the Dungeon Dimensions (which, like Yog-Sothoth are heavily inspired by the whole eldritch Lovecraft stuff, so that all fits nicely) Another thing that fits nicely is the fact that they can “infect” wizards (hence Odin), and also they really Cannot survive long in this world, whch gives a nice way to end this thing

No Asgard, so instead the passengers on the train are the staff of the Unseen University (yes, even the Librarian) Of course, they won’t die in this one, but the Bursar has a gloopy Thing land on his face after the Lecturer in Recent Runes booted it across the traincar so not much difference (/j) dfhfd

Loki, Thor, Sigyn and possibly Kvasir (though they also may not exist as a character, and instead be a name for the engine) are all UU students (hence why the passengers don’t care for them)  They are the ones that Do Things, and likely study in the High Energy Magic building, so are actually qualified to deal with this sort of shit

Then: shit happens! Odin dies, Loki Thor Sigyn die and meet Death and have some sort of ConversationTM about the power of stories. It’s all very touching

Obviously, the Disc doesn’t get destroyed - the Things get driven back. Ivy, Marius and Raphaells do still escape, of course, and, in the immortal words of everyone’s favourite human(?) Nobby, Mr Vimes goes spare

[inspector2ndclass]

The Mechanisms as Random Birds I Found on the Internet

Did anyone want this? No. Do I know anything about birds? Also no. Anyways, here’s a shitpost I spent way too long on.

Jonny d’Ville: Northern Mockingbird

First and foremost, here’s Jonny! An asshole! A bastard! An all around terrible person! He shall be a northern mockingbird. This fucking bird has no redeemable qualities other than that it is pretty and a GREAT singer. This is a very aggressive bird. Very territorial. If it had opposable thumbs, it would probably shoot you in like the foot or something. I don’t think these birds are very smart. Just like a certain “captain” that we know. The state bird of Texas, among all places. Never trust a texas. In true Texas fashion, the 1927 legislation declaring the Northern Mockingbird the state’s official bird stated that the species is “a fighter for the protection of his home, falling, if need be, in its defence, like any true texan.” Now Jonny burned down a Texas - maybe not this Texas but whatever. I read somewhere that a mockingbird could peck someone’s dick off, and honestly? Valid.

Gunpowder Tim: Southern Cassowary

Okay, hear me out. This bird is a little bitch - or rather a b i g bitch. In a good way. Look at this fucking bird. It’s majestic. Doesn’t it look just SO trustworthy. What a trustworthy man. And very pretty. Pretty, pretty bird. Who could squash you like a fucking ant. This is one Violent bird. Tim is one Violent person. The cassowary makes a low roaring sound like a fucking dinosaur. I love dinosaurs. DID I MENTION IT LAYS GREEN EGGS. Now you might say, well Tim is a human and humans don’t lay green eggs. Fuck you. It’s never explicitly stated that our very own Gunpowder Tim doesn’t lay green eggs. Also comes with a built-in helmet. As everyone except Tim and the southern cassowary says, safety first! Strikes me as a very egotistical bird. If the cassowary weren’t a bird, I don’t think it would wear a seatbelt.

Ashes O’Reilly: California Condor

Okay, so. This is a cool fucking bird. Just look at it. M a j e s t i c. Do you know who else is really fucking cool? Ashes. They have so much power. Also condors are beautiful birds. Oh my god. California condors are very graceful fliers. For Ashes, I almost went with the brown falcon - one of “Nature’s arsonists”, but other than arson, it’s a rather boring bird. Just brown. And a falcon. BUT THE CALIFORNIA CONDOR. Now that’s a cool bird. The god of the sky. Actually, in the “research” for this post I found a blog post in 2011 from someone who has genuinely worshipped condors as gods since they were a teenager and honestly? Valid. (disclaimer; I am aware that many native cultures worship animals and nature, however I don’t feel qualified to talk about that. I don’t mean any harm by this post.)

DrumBot Brian: Shoebill Stork

Well. I did have a rather difficult time finding a bird that has a complex set of moral values. Who would’ve thought?? I did almost use a praying mantis, just for a little variety. I’ve never met someone who wouldn’t rip off the head of their lover. BUT ANYWAYS. Here we have Brian the Shoebill Stork. He looks so nice. But he will not hesitate to decapitate your baby crocodile. Also very patient!! Like a dinosaur! This bird has the most complex set of moral values of any bird I could find in about thirty seconds. If Brian didn’t decapitate so many young crocodiles there would be much too many! Too many crocodiles! The horror! I’ve also seen a gif of Boring Brian delicately picking up a duckling and placing it back down. Dunno what happened after, though. Don’t ask. Apparently the shoebill stork makes “machine-gun noises” which I think Jonny would enjoy fucking around with. A place that I forgot to write down reportedly called the bird “Abu-Markhub” meaning “father of the slipper” which,,,, yeah.

Raphaella la Cognizi: Kea

Also known as the “clown of the alps”, the Kea resides in the mountains, as the only alpine parrot. Pretty cool. I want to be a clown. But like, a cool clown - not one that hides in a sewer and eats children… Anyways, I’m getting off topic. The kea is the smartest bird I could find. Raphaella is the science officer of the Aurora so it seemed fitting. Look at this photo. That’s science at work! Kea can use basic tools! And reportedly have the intelligence of a four-year-old child! That’s pretty smart! Also it has wings! Raph has wings! Apparently kea enjoy attacking sheep, dogs, horses, etc. and just generally fuck around with people. Imagine what this bird could do with opposable thumbs…

Marius von Raum: Victoria Crowned Pigeon

My criteria for Bird Marius was essentially a stupid looking bird with a ridiculously long name. I was originally going to go with the King of Saxony Bird of Paradise solely for the name (just look at it! It’s so dumb! Who the fuck is the king of saxony!) however it bored me. So! Here we have Doctor Baron Marius von Raum as the Victoria Crowned Pigeon (also sometimes referred to as the Blue Crowned Pigeon). Genuinely, this was my favourite bird as a child. I fucking love this funky little bastard. Apparently, it’s the largest pigeon species in the world and can grow to be the size of a turkey. A turkey! What the fuck! This bird thinks it’s all that. (I mean, it’s not wrong). It was named after Queen Victoria but like,,,,, Fuck The Monarchy. Also eats a lot of figs. The bird - not the queen. Or maybe the queen I dunno. Marius seems like the kind of person who hates figs but eats them anyways so he doesn’t feel inferior to the Fig Lord. How the fuck is this bird not extinct yet.

Ivy Alexandria: Common Raven

Ivy Alexandria, the Common Raven. Ravens are extremely smart! Like seriously - near where I live, there’s an animal shelter with a raven and you can hold a conversation with it. It’s amazing! They also have great memories and hold grudges - so don’t mess with them. Oh! They can also use hand gestures, which for birds is insanely cool! They are the literal “birdbrain”. Sometimes they collect little trinkets, which I think is really sweet. Now, I don’t believe ravens can read but like,,,,, I dunno. I read an article recently about ravens doing “weird things with ants”. Apparently they like to play with them. Ravens have been known to sit in an anthill and let ants crawl all over their feathers for no apparent reason. Now, while nothing has been canonically stated involving Ivy and ants, you can’t prove Ivy doesn’t go sit and hang out with a bunch of ants.

Nastya Rasputina: Andean Potoo

The Andean Potoo is the most mysterious breed of the seven or so potoo species; almost nothing is known other than their vague appearance and their stomach contents (large insects like beetles and grasshoppers, if you were interested). While we do know quite a bit about Nastya, I thought this bird fit her pretty well. In answer to the question “Are potoos friendly?” a website said: “The short answer is ‘no’. The slightly longer answer is ‘it depends’.” This sounds like Nastya and her lesbian spaceship girlfriend. Potoos are VERY good at camouflage; like Nastya in Aurora’s veins?? I dunno, might be a bit of a stretch. They are shy, secretive birds. Sounds fun. Potoos are also VERY good at catching insects and shit. This point might not be relevant, but whatever. Andean potoos might mate for life; scientists don’t know. Let’s say that they do. If Nastya were this bird, she could be eaten by a weasel. Weasels said fuck Nastya rights. Fuck weasels.

The Toy Soldier: Atlantic Puffin

OH MY GOD. I love the Toy Soldier. The Atlantic Puffin. I don’t have many reasons for this one other that IT’S ADORABLE. This is my favourite bird. Just look at it!!! Hnnnnnnn. Baby puffins are called pufflingssssss. Oh my god. Also look up the bird call of the atlantic puffin; it is the best thing ever. Puffins are very sociable birds and live in like giant flocks or something. They’re very neat birds and also waterproof! Like wood! They shed the outer layer of their beaks once a year! Like wood! They live in burrows! Like wood! They can hold a fuck ton of fish in their beaks! Like wood! They have a really fucking wierd tongue! Like wood!

BONUS: Dr. Carmilla: Lammergier (Bearded Vulture)

Do I know anything about Dr. Carmilla? Nope! I think she’s a vampire but like???? Anyways, just look at this bird. It’s pretty self-explanatory. The Lammergeier is one Badass Bird. It is one of the largest old-world vultures. I don’t know what that means. It can grow up to four feet tall, though! And has a wingspan between seven and nine feet. That’s a big fucking bird! They have no natural predators, much like a certain immortal vampire (maybe???). It eats primarily bone and bone marrow and has a nasty habit of carrying off lambs, calves, and dead children. Remind you of the Good Doctor and her Band? Probably not. I bet Jonny has eaten at least one dead child, though. The lammergeier can also live up to the ripe old age of 45 (old in bird years?). Supposedly a lammergeier killed the greek playwright Aeschelus by mistaking his large bald head for a rock and dropping a turtle on it. Sounds very Carmilla. BUT WAIT I HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO THE BEST PART. This bird dies it’s fur the colour of blood to look more intimidating! Supposedly this is a mark of status, as well. That’s one badass bird!!!

WELL THAT WAS AN ADVENTURE. A useless adventure, sure. Fuck you. I had fun.

[shootingst4rpress]

almost scared to ask, but what was "The Fic" that you referrenced in that post abt seeing the word captain?

someone put jonny d’ville x alex j newall smut in the mechanisms tag and it is. really something huh. i read it out of curiousity to see how awful it was and i think i felt my blood clotting as i did. 

[caphhhhfgjdkhgjfj-firstmate]

Right… so maybe I miss judged some shit ‘nd Nas had a point… or t’

[caphhhhfgjdkhgjfj-firstmate]

I just kicked a gun

it really hurt

[caphhhhfgjdkhgjfj-firstmate]

If ya don’t think about it it’s fine

[caphhhhfgjdkhgjfj-firstmate]

I take pride in makin’ any situation I can worse

[caphhhhfgjdkhgjfj-firstmate]

Fuckin’ hate cleanin’ up

More of a pain if a don’t though

[caphhhhfgjdkhgjfj-firstmate]

Did ya know if your hungry smoking a cigarette stops it bothering ya so much

[caphhhhfgjdkhgjfj-firstmate]

‘m goin’ t’ nap sober thought ya’d like t’ know seein’ as do meny of ya over exaggerate my drinkin’ habits

[caphhhhfgjdkhgjfj-firstmate]

Bein’ sober ’s fuckin’ stupid

[caphhhhfgjdkhgjfj-firstmate]

If ya use my ask button i automatically don’t fuckin’ like ya

[caphhhhfgjdkhgjfj-firstmate]

Just got over run by a fuckin’ clowder of octokittens

[caphhhhfgjdkhgjfj-firstmate]

Hello Jonny’s blog, I have hacked this blog to tell you Jonny is busy. As you know he was hiding in the vents he’s now been caught.

- @nas-does-engineer

[caphhhhfgjdkhgjfj-firstmate]

I let children put bows on me and now they’re asking if I feel bonita