#izukrew as ali wong quotes

[proheromidoriyashouto]

izukrew as ali wong quotes

(i couldn’t resist and am not sorry cuz im laughing)

Izuku:  Catheter, I had never had a catheter in my life. A catheter is a tube that they hook up to your pee-pee hole, and you just lie there… And then all of a sudden, this bag of piss shows up next to your bed. And then this kind Filipino lady named Joyabelle Esperanza Purificacion Santo Domingo Ordonez Balasa comes in to take it out. And you’re like, “Nurse Joyabelle, whose piss that?” And she’s like, “That’s yours.” And you’re like, “Oh my God, that’s mine?” I did not even feel it go out. The catheter, it just carries it out. And I was like, “Oh my God, in my life I could have accomplished so much more had I had a catheter attached to me this entire time.”

Shouto: You had to, like, wait until your 20s to get your pussy eaten, and even then it was not very good because it’s very personal. Do you know how long it took me to train my husband to eat my pussy correctly? I’m not going back out into the world, find somebody new to coach all over again. It’s too much work. All of that knowledge that my husband has now, all that time I invested, all of that muscle memory lives and dies with him. You can’t store that in some sort of I-pussy cloud and then just download it to a new husband 2.0. He is bespoke to me. Irreplaceable! Yes. Look, many patient nights I wanted to fake it, okay? But I knew that it was so fundamental for the long-term that he get it right, and that lying to him would just be cheating myself. And so, I would shove his head down there and keep it down there until his face got prunie. Many nights, he’d enter 7:00 p.m. looking like a 30-year-old man, exit hours later looking like Tommy Lee Jones. You know how hard it is for a young Asian man to suddenly transform into Tommy Lee Jones? I think a big part of being good at eating pussy is that you just got to be into it, okay? Do it with gusto, with enthusiasm. It’s a privilege, so act like you know, okay? Yes! Yeah, don’t hesitate. Don’t… Like you’re some toddler being forced to eat broccoli. Get in there! And hold your own goddamn head up, too, don’t use my thigh as a tripod and just… Fall into a food coma before you finish your meal.

Ochako: I’m just waiting for the right moment to, like, become a housewife, financially, you know? I want my husband to get us to, like, a certain point financially. I wanna get to the point as a couple where I can comfortably afford sliced mango. Know what I’m talking about? I’m talking about that Whole Foods mango. That $10-a-box Whole Foods mango that was sliced by white people. That’s the kind of income bracket I’m striving for. That’s when you know you’ve made it, when you’re eating mango that was sliced by a dude named Noah. I want Noah mango… …Rebecca kiwi, Danielle pineapple. You know what else I want? I wanna be able to take a stroll on a sidewalk, see a quarter, and just keep on walking. Like a princess.

Momo: So, you know, I– I, in– previously, before I met my husband, I had dated a bunch of losers. And then, I meet this dream guy, who’s, like, way more handsome than me, out of my league, graduated from Harvard Business School. Worked hard to trap his ass. Got him to propose to me. Oh, my God, then we got married, all my dreams coming true, and then we got pregnant, and recently we bought our first home together. And, uh, two weeks into the escrow process, I discovered that my beautiful, Harvard-educated husband was $70,000 in debt. And me, with my hard-earned TV money, paid it all off. So, as it turns out, he’s the one who trapped me. How did he do it? How did he bamboozle me? Oh! Maybe because he went to Harvard Business School, the epicenter of white-collar crime. He Enron’d my ass. And now, if I don’t work, we die. Why else do you think I’m performing seven and a half months pregnant?

Tenya: I make fun of my husband a lot, but the reality is that he is my best friend. Yes, I’m very serious. I’m very lucky to have gotten to marry my best friend, and our whole dynamic confuses my mother because it’s the inverse of what she had with my father. She was like, “Your father was not my best friend. I cannot believe how comfortable you guys are around each other. Do you fart in front of your husband?” I fart in my husband. ‘Cause we are best friends. I hope that he and I always stay together, truly, you know? ‘Cause a lot of times when comedians get successful, they inevitably get divorced from their first spouse, and then at the age of, like, 50 or 60, they like to trade up for a new one that’s, like, a third of their age. As a woman, that has zero appeal to me.

Tsuyu: And I do have more money now, and now I make a lot more money than my husband by like a long shot. Well, my mom is very concerned that he’s going to leave me out of intimidation. I had to explain to her that the only kind of man that would leave a woman who makes more money, is the kind of man that doesn’t like free money. “Oh, but Ali, he doesn’t feel small?” He’s too busy living large on my new salary! “Oh. Oh… Oh, but Ali, doesn’t he feel like you took something away from him?” Oh, do you mean like the pressure to provide? Which I have lifted from his shoulders. He’s chilling. He walks into work now every day two hours late like this, “Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you! Fire me, I don’t give a shit. My wife’s rich, bitch. Yeah! Yeah, this job is just an eccentric hobby for me now.”