#ive tried so hard the past few months to space out my homework and be easier on myself so i had time to decompress and relax

[depresseddepot]

.

[hargroves-angel]

you and billy get in a fight and he asks max for help

I Really Fucking Like You Billy Hargrove

Summary - Billy does something he regrets but lets his temper get the best of him resulting in you and him having an argument, however this just makes Billy even more angry causing Max to help her step brother out.

Warnings - Swearing, Billy being mean, Angst, Fluff

A/N - So sorry that this took so long to get out I’ve got a lot to do this week so uploads are going to be spaced out, I hope that’s ok, I apologise in advance though angels!

The front door slammed shut gaining Max’s attention away from her homework. Billy was obviously home. he’d actually been pretty happy recently especially after having been dating you. He just hadn’t stopped smiling, she thought he was sick! you were having some sort of effect on him and it was quite scary for Max, someone had tamed the beast in her eyes. 

Billy hadn’t stopped being annoying but he wasn’t as mean, he even apologised to her for the whole car and her friends incident. 

“Fucking bitch” Billy grumbled as he walked past her open door. “Turn down that fucking music!” he yelled at her from his room. She rolled her eyes but none the less turned it down, going to shut her door. 

That’s when she got really confused. Were those sobs? from Billys room? Was he crying?

She peaked her head round the gap of his door. 

He had his head in his hands. She glanced around at the room seeing how much you really had changed him, everywhere was clean. No dirty washing, no empty beer cans, no cigarette butts in the ash tray. it was so clean. 

“What the fuck do you want shithead?” Billy growled. 

“What happened?” Billy shook his head and laughed lowly. 

“Why do you even care?” He shoved his head back in his hands. Max slowly crept over to sit next to him on the bed. 

“Because like you said, we’re family now… we’ve got to look out for each other” she mumbled cringing at her words as she looked around at his transformed room. To be honest you should come round more often, her room could do with a reorganisation.

“yeah well whatever, doesn’t even matter anyway”

“It clearly matters Billy, I’ve never seen you cry-”

“I wasn’t even crying… that much. Basically we went to a party and I got really drunk, I ended up kissing some girl… I thought it was Y/N, I promise I thought it was her- Same hair, same eyes, same everything to me at the time. The worst part is that this girl pulled me in for the kiss first and me thinking it was Y/N - I just kissed back” Max sucked in a breath. “I should’ve known it wasn’t her - and then I started yelling at her… Fuck I feel so bad” Billy shoved his head in his hands. 

“Well I think… the best thing is to talk to her”

“Ive already done that Maxine, she doesn’t want to talk about it”

“I don’t think think yelling about your point is the same as talking Billy” Max mumbled. 

“Whatever, It’s just she deserves more then just some half assed apology… She’s so important to me Max…”

“How about tomorrow you show up at her house, pick her up and take her to that movie she wanted to watch”

“What movie?” Billy asked genuinely confused.

“she’s been talking about it loads! It’s all she mentions?” 

With that Billy shoved his head right back in his hands. “I didn’t even fucking know that- you know what Maxine, fuck you! get the fuck out of my room now”

“Wait what?!” Max furrowed her eyebrows and huffed.

“Just fucking get out!” Billy yelled at her. Max knew better than to stay, she stomped out. Billy was definitely falling hard for Y/N, in a way it amused her, to see him even getting all angry every time a love song played, let’s just say he’s been working out a lot recently, he was hitting the weights every chance he got whilst the radio played some sort of love song, but it was when your song came on did she see Billy really fall apart, he dropped the weight on the floor and stomped into his room, anger and hurt radiating off him.  

Thats when she felt bad, he usually didn’t give a shit, every girl he’d been with eventually got mad or fed up of his antics and he would come home, bitch about them and then sleep it off not even caring about it the next day. He was so grumpy now a days so she had to do something. So she made a plan, she was going to get you two back together again. God knows you were both way too stubborn and Billy had locked himself at home for the most part, rock music blaring through the walls, the heavy stench of cigarettes and Mary-Jane coming from his room, but as much as she disliked her older step brother she knew she had to help him. 

You were definitely the nicest girl he’d dated. 

So that’s what she did. At 7am sharpish she asked Billy to take her to the lake, to “Meet some friends” He said no at first obviously so she did a bit of extra planning and made a deal, Dad won’t know about weed as long as Billy agrees to take her. He agreed eventually. 

Little did billy know that he was to meet you at that lake. Max had told you to meet her at the lake because she wanted to talk about ‘girl problems’ shed been having and she didn’t want to say it at home because it was embarrassing. 

Billy drove the whole way, cigarette dangling from his lips, sunglasses covering his sleep deprived eyes. 

She noticed how he hadn’t been sleeping recently. He’d been up all night crying but she wouldn’t tell him she knew because he sure as hell would have her for it. 

she impatiently tapped her foot on the floor of the Camaro, her lip caught between her teeth as she chewed on it nervously. This could go a few ways, either Billy gets hurt or you get hurt or maybe you make up. She hoped that you would make up. 

“Would you quit fucking tapping, so fucking annoy-” He paused as he saw you, he pulled into the clearing. 

“I have to go! Ummm maybe you should talk to her” Max ran out of the car. 

“You little fucking sh-” He stopped as he watched you turn around, your eyes landing on the blue car. He saw your smile slip, your eyebrows furrowing and a frown on your face. 

You were wearing his AC/DC shirt. He sighed, opening the door the cigarette being discarded on the floor. 

“Hey!, angel… look im really fucking sorry princess”

“Really Billy! Because Dana told me you didn’t care” You huffed. 

“Look just let me explain…” He felt his patience wearing thin. 

“No Billy! Because every time I let you ‘explain’ you end up yelling at me! telling me it’s my fault and im sorry but I don’t think I can-”

“I DON’T FUCKING YELL” He yelled. A regretful expression on his face as he carded his hands through the ends of his hair. He realised what he’d done, he sighed. “Im working on it baby” his eyes flickered to the floor. “It’s just gonna take time… I promise im working on it” 

“How much time Billy!? Because we’ve been together for 3 months now and you still have this temper! You don’t know how to control yourself, sometimes I get scared, and I know you won’t ever hurt me but, its just I hate this constant screaming match between us, I really fucking like you Billy Hargrove”

He sniffed, his nose scrunching as he looked away, thinking. He felt his eyes gloss over with tears again. He hated crying in front of you. He sniffed again, his face getting more scrunched up as he tried to hold back the tears. he felt your arms wrap around his waist. Your head rest against his chest as you held him. He’d cuddled you before, hell you’d hugged so many times but this felt like more. 

He felt the tears fall. You looked up at him and cradled his cheek in your hand. He still looked the other way, he hated you to see him like this.

“I really fucking like you” you whispered he stood stiff, not being used to this full out intimate feeling. He started to blink and shift his head to look down at you. he placed his hand on top of your one which was holding his cheek. 

“Im sorry…” he mumbled, his eyes were red and puffy. You nodded. 

“I know baby, it’s ok. I believe you over Dana, and im sorry for being impatient, you’re right, we are working on it… slowly but surely” You got on your tip toes to kiss him, he leaned down to meet your lips. you kissed passionately for what felt like hours until Max intervened. 

“Finally you’ve made up! Now can we stop being so dramatic and get home because I can’t do much with a skateboard in a wooded area” She held up her skateboard, her eyebrows raised at you both. 

“Sometimes I really fucking despise you Maxine, but you get the day off for now” Billy grumbled. His arm wrapping around your waist as you kissed his cheek. 

“You need a shower Hargrove, you reek of weed” You giggled into his ear. 

“Suppose you’re gonna have to take one with me, make sure im getting the smell out and everything” he mumbled.

“Ugh get a room” Max cringed as she shoved herself back into Billys car. Thank god she’d gotten you two back together otherwise she’d have to listen to (in her opinion) Billys god awful music for hours. she rolled her eyes and smirked at him. As much of a dick he was, he was family now. 

[supergirlfics]

A/N: This was so frustrating because I’d work on it and and then it would just disappear! Multiple times! I guess this is what happens when you write directly onto tumblr and don’t use a backup of any kind . . . oh well, onward and upward. Hope you like the story!

Eliza was outside waiting for Kara and Alex the moment they arrived. As soon as they stepped out of the car, she spread her arms wide, giving them each a hug. “Girls! I’ve missed you so much!”

“We’ve missed you, too,” Alex said.

“Where’s Y/N?” Kara asked, peering past Eliza. You were usually the first to greet them.

“She was supposed to come out and help you with your bags, but I suppose she couldn’t peel herself away from her book.”

“New novel?” Kara asked.

“Textbook.”

Alex and Kara exchanged a look before Kara finally said, “That’s okay. I’ll take the bags. We can catch up with Y/N inside.”

By the time Alex and Eliza had reached the front door, Kara had already grabbed both bags, taken them upstairs to the bedroom, and made back down to the living room. Super Speed. Or, as Alex liked to call it, Super Show-Off.

You sat on the couch. Four open textbooks, and what seemed to be a million sheets of paper lay on the coffee table in front of you. Your nose was buried in a page, your hands covered in pen ink, and notes scribbled in every empty space.

“Hey. What’s up?” Kara asked.

You jumped, not having noticed your sister until right then. You spun around to snap at whoever was hovering over you, but you realized who it was just in time. “Kara!” You leaped off the couch, tackling your big sister in a hug. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t notice you.”

“That’s obvious,” Alex said as she strode through the room to join you two. “Hey kid.”

“Alex!” You tackled her even more excitedly than you had Kara, jumping into her arms and wrapping your legs around her waist. You clung to her so tightly, it was like you were a kid on the monkey bars.

When Alex had finally managed to pull you off, she held you at arms length to study you. “You have grown so much.”

“I’m the same height,” You said. “It’s been three months.”

“I mean you look more mature.”

Kara couldn’t hold in her laugh. After all, she had just watched you and Alex fight over whether or not she was going to hold you.

As Alex continued to look you over, her smile faltered. Even your ear to ear grin couldn’t hide the dark circles under your eyes. They were huge. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. It’s fine. Why?” You asked.

“You look exhausted.”

“I’ve been studying,” You shrugged.

“As you should be,” Eliza cut in. “I can’t have anything but the best grades from my med student.” Again, Kara and Alex exchanged a look. “I’ll let you three catch up while I make dinner.”

After an argument with your sisters, you finally agreed to set aside your studies. But only after Alex gave you her “you-had-better-listen-or-you’ll-regret-it” look. Your sisters helped you put everything away, but you micromanaged everything. You had to make sure all your notes were in their rightful place.

“How do you know where anything goes?” Kara asked. “This is a mess.”

“It’s an organized mess. And if it’s not put away just right, I’ll lose everything and have to start over completely.”

“You’re insane,” Alex said.

“I’m a med student,” You said. “It comes with the territory.”

-----------------------------------------------------

You wanted to study some more after dinner, but your sisters forced you to watch a movie with them instead. And when you tried to sneak some notes into sister night, another look from Alex told you there was no way you would be able to study that night.

When you returned to the couch, you squeezed in between your sisters. Alex immediately put your arm around you while Kara grabbed your hand. You felt warmer and more at peace than you had in months, though the thought of your schooling still weighed heavily at the back of your mind.

A few minutes in, you lay your head on Alex’s shoulder, and a few minutes after that, you were asleep.

Kara grabbed a blanket from the arm of the couch and threw it over you, carefully tucking the end behind your shoulder. “This school must really be getting to her. She never falls asleep during a movie.”

“It’s not even ten,” Alex said. “Y/N is pushing herself way too hard. She needs to slow down.”

----------------------------------------------------------

You woke up around one. Your sisters were asleep beside you. They had even wrapped a blanket around you, which was totally in character, but still extremely sweet.

Since they were both out, you took the opportunity to grab your textbooks once again.

You were still studying when they awoke.

“Y/N,” Kara said. “What time is it?”

“Almost seven,” You said absentmindedly.

“How long have you been studying?” Alex asked.

“Since one.”

Alex ripped the book from your hands. She didn’t think it was possible, but the bags under your eyes had grown even bigger. “You’re done.”

“Hey! I need that!” 

“You don’t,” Kara said firmly. “You are done studying for the rest of the day.”

“It’s only seven.”

“And you’ve been at this for six hours,” Kara said. “You’ve had enough.”

That’s how it went over the next few days. Every time you would try to study, your sisters intervened. Kara tried to force you to take a nap, but once she left the room, you pulled out your notes. Needless to say, she was not pleased when she came to check on you.

“Give me the notes. This is not okay.”

It didn’t take long before your sisters refused to leave your side. If somebody had to do something, they made sure the other was free. They even agreed to keep watch overnight.

On the first night after they agreed to stay up and make sure you slept, you could not get to sleep, no matter what they tried. “I just need to study.” You insisted. “I’m going to fall behind.”

“Why are you so intent on this?” Alex asked as she sat on your bedside. Kara moved to your bed as well, crossing her legs after plopping down in the middle.

“It’s just, you two have done so much. You help people. You save lives. I’m not as cool as that. I don’t have superpowers or special combat training. I’m just awkward old me.”

“Hey,” Alex said. “You don’t need any of that. You are perfect just how you are.”

“I don’t want to fail you guys. Or mom.”

“You could never fail us,” Kara said. “Or mom.”

“I already have. She always compares me to you two. I just want to be able to do something important. And she’s right to push me to study - it just doesn’t come naturally. I have to spend extra time on it.”

“Are you kidding?” Kara said. “You could literally not pay any attention at school and still get straight A’s. You’re a freaking genius.”

“If you keep doing this, you will run yourself ragged, and then when it counts, you’ll be too tired. You won’t be able to function. We have to help you out of your chair half the time. You’re always exhausted. You’re always falling asleep. I’ve even heard you recite diseases in your sleep. Take a break. You’re being obsessive. It isn’t healthy, Y/N.”

“But I have to be the best.”

“You are the best,” Kara said. “Don’t kill yourself trying to be better than the best.”

“I guess you’re right.”

--------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Alex made it downstairs while you and Kara were still asleep. You were so tired, Alex didn’t think you’d be out of bed all day. They finally seemed to have gotten through to you.

“Good morning, Alex,” Eliza said. “Where’s your sister? She’s usually up studying when I come down.”

“We need to talk, Mom,” Alex said. 

Eliza set her coffee down to look at Alex. “What’s going on?”

“Y/N is so tired. She is running herself dry with med school and it’s only her second year. I was partying my second year of med school.”

“And you never finished,” Eliza said. “Y/N needs to be more accomplished than that.”

“More accomplished?” Alex started before taking a deep breath. This was about you, not her. “The point is, she is trying so hard to please you, it’s killing her.”

“She’s fine.”

“You’re not listening to me, Mom. “She’s on break and all she does is study. She finished all her homework for the next month before Kara and I got here and she is still obsessed.”

“Y/N is doing what she should to get through school,” Eliza said. 

“She’s terrified of failing us! She feels like you compare her to Kara and I constantly, and that’s not fair to her. She’s still a kid. Let her be one. Stop pushing her so hard.”

“Of course I have high expectations. She should want to be like the two of you. You and Kara have accomplished so much. Why is it such a terrible thing if I want that for Y/N as well?”

“Because she’s not us, Mom. She’s not an alien. She doesn’t have superpowers. She is the victim of your - you’re craziness! And the longer she’s here, the worse it’s going to get.”

“What are you saying?”

“Y/N is going to spend the rest of break in National City with me. Where she won’t be judged.”

“Alex Danvers, you cannot -”

“I can,” Alex cut in. “And I am.”

[brainfarts-com]

I want to get this out of my system. Not like anyone gonna see it, but have been bottling it up for years and not let go of it. My parents know the person but dont know the damage. The only person who knows it was damaging, doesn't know the full story. No one knows but me and it has been eating me away from the inside for 7 years. And still no one else will know it, but ill have it down, giving myself a chanse to get it straight.

I changed schools after the 4th grade. My mom didn't like the teachers there so she brought me to a better school. Which was absolutely fine, I missed my best friend a lot but it was a great school with amazing teachers and classmates. Exept Luca. She was something else. She was strong willed and strong worded. She always got exactly what she wanted. Her parents spoiled and phraised her non stop. And she made that everyone elses problem. On my first day in school, I remember her smiling at me... and the next thing I remember is that I was in her friend group (which meant two other girls). It feels like I completely blacked out a few months. From there it was downhill. When I got there, I was an ambivert at least - loving attention, spending time with people and very much a people pleaser. She used that up against me big time. She lowered my self esteem to zero, made me believe I was average, but at least worse in everything than her. She ordered me around like a puppy. It got to a point that I made fun of myself just to entertain her- because I knew that was what she wated to hear. She made me fear her- but I didn't know why I was afraid of her. Thats what got me out of it. I sometimes tried to ask her to stop, because I did feel uncomfortable and like this isnt normal, but it never worked. She said shed change, but after a month she was the same as ever.

After two and a half years I broke down in tears to my mom and when she asked why am I afraid of her, I realized how unrealistic I was. The next day I didn't go to her. When she was standing behind me, shouting my name, I didn't turn around. I was shaking while she said: "pah, it must be one of her tantrums". I didn't sit with the table they sat in, I asked the girl I admired instead if I can sit with them an her table group was surprised, but nice and let me sit there. The rage on her face... That I could betray her... She asked me what is my problem, I said: I just want space... I was shaking so hard. Ever since in stressful situations and confrontations, I shake uncontrolably. Her answer was not nice, bit the best I could wish for- she didn't want to interact with me anymore.

The faces of other people... some even gratulated me and offered to help. The girl I admired said I could hang with them if id like. Thats when I realized, how nice classmates I have. Before i was separated from them by Luca, who made everyone a bad guy. But now they accepted me, talked with me, joked with me. Even tho I became a lone shark most of the time, but I got a lot of support from them. They probably didn't even notice. But that didn't last too long.

Less than two years and high school started. I had no idea, how to interact with people, so I did the same as before. Lone shark, helping out with school stuff. But now that didn't work well- my new classmates didn't care for me, just to get what they wanted. They even made fun of me, sometimes with talking with me like im an idiot, while I helped them with homework and help them on tests. But I was naive and frankly, I had it worse with Luca, this was way nicer than before, so I didn't think much of it.

A miracle that I got a friend. She was nerdy and she was the butt of the jokes as well, but that wasn't why we became friends. We liked the same youtuber. A few months and we were inseparable. But that didn't magically teach me how to be friends with someone. So I did the same as before- listened and acted the way I thought others would like me to be. That was what Luca trained me to do. That was not my friends fault, but it ruined the friendship. Slowly I became empty with no energy to act. I became snappy and quiet, which made her distance herself from me. Later we talked it out but at that time, it was the worse. I had nothing going on, no stimulus, same thing repeating, smiling to teachers and roommates and that empty feeling inside.

At that point, I was barely alive. For years, I told myself: if I wouldn't have friends and family, I wouldn't be worth living. I did not realize, how fucked up that mindset was. Now I didn't have friends, my days became even blanker and acting became harder. I couldn't laugh at a video I found funny- god, I remember that balloon one, I thought: hah, thats funny, but not a chuckle, not a smile, just the thought. And still, I didn't realize what bad of a shape I was in mentaly. I was suicidal, but not outright, the thought made itself normal in my brain, like it is an everyday thing to think of.

My only chill time became YouTube. I didn't have to act while watching. Than I found undertale there. I knew the story and the characters so well while ive never played the game, but I loved it. Once it recommended a let's play of it to me. The thumbnail was pretty and upon seeing how long the video was, I simply said I'll click away if I get bored.

It hit me like a horse kick. My face showed genuent expression for the first time in years. The sheer energy of it, the thing I lacked for years. Only the intro caught me, the happy guy who said it- I binged the whole series. And than went on a Jse channel binge. It was amazing, it gave me life, it made me want to draw more, it gave me the will and energy to live. Soon his and Mark's videos became the thing I awaited the most in a day.

Now I remember, it was half a year after watching them that I became snappy. Because they were nice and they didn't ask me to be someone else. Sean said in so many videos that "you are worth it", and he said so many encouraging words along with Mark that I started to believe them. The way I went about it later with my friend was not good tho. Neither of us adressed the problem, we just... avoided it.

Months went by. I started to heal a little, but also got too attached to both of them. It was unhealthy, I know, but they were all I had who didn't judge me. This was the time when my relationship with my mom started to go down. I didn't meet her high expectations. I started to stand up for myself and told her I don't want to be a dentist or a psichologist. She only realized i'm serious when I didn't get into any college. I took a year off, but she still tried to push me. No matter how many times I told her, she gently manipulated me into going along. Or so She thought. I went on the exams she wanted me to, but I failed one. I didn't put effort in, because I didn't want the goal. And that finally made her accept that I want to be a kindergarden teacher. To this day im listening to "you could have been blah blah", but I dont care.

In that off time i grew a lot. I found the jse community. I stopped being dependant on their content. I started to heal for real. I slowly built myself an ego and expand myself. The things I should have done years ago, when I was a kid. When I was taken that chanse away.

Luca. She made my life so difficult and I dont think, she knows it. I could bet that she didn't see herself damaging. I bet she still doesn't see that. But... that doesn't change anything. It doesn't give me back my lost time. It doesn't matter. I ended up how I am now because of her. While it was a tough road, there are things that I wouldn't be the same without her. I wouldn't have the community. I wouldn't have the friends I do now. I wouldn't be the same, the me I worked so hard for. Of course, if she wouldn't intervine, itd be easier. Probably, who knows. I think it would be. But moarning on it won't change it. I have set my motto to be "Don't worry about the things you can't change, it only causes you more stress", but I havent applied it to this situation.

It is time to do it. It is time to let go of those bad feelings. Of course thats easier said than done, but I have the power to it. I allow myself the time to do it. She is my past, a past that shaped me but doesn't define me.

It is time to be unapologeticly me

[finkjaseel]

Okay here’s a rant because I need to do homework and I can’t focus with this on my mind tbh

So I’m getting married soon. And it’s not going to be a huge ordeal, meaning that my fiance and I aren’t having a wedding, not necessarily because of the virus, but for the fact that we simply don’t want one. Neither of us like parties, and a wedding seems like just a really expensive party that wont really mean much to us. We’re not traditional, and were not religious, so it would seem like a waste of money that we could save to travel, or to pay for a house. So we’re getting married for the paperwork, and then I’m moving to him. We might do a small get together type thing for close friends and family, so they can see our new place, and whatever. But that’s in the air because of the virus.

I am very excited for this. I’m marrying my best friend, and we get to live together, instead of us being lonely and kinda miserable apart and in different states. We’ve been together for a few years and like half of that has been spent long distance, and we’re just ready to be together. Let’s be real, seeing each other every 3-6ish months for at max a week really sucks. We’re really big planners so we’ve been planning this for a few months now, we’ve just decided that now is the time instead of the future. We’re apartment hunting, and deciding what were gonna do with the space, what things we’re gonna do now that we’re together and don’t have a time limit. I’m so excited that it’s hard to explain how excited I am because there’s so many things I’m excited about. 

Also, everyone has seemed to like my fiance in the past 3-4 years we’ve been together, there’s not really anything for anyone in my family to not like him for. And when I had first told my mom - which I was scared to do - she seemed mildly supportive. More in the tone of “well you’re an adult and you can make your own decisions” but then she started trying to talk me out of it. Saying that this isnt the right time in our relationship and that I need to fill out a certain task list- like asking my dad and papa for permission and that he needs to propose to me, that we should have a wedding etc. traditional things. (funny thing is that my mom has never been married so I think that she’s just projecting, but now she will not shut up about it. and she keeps trying to butt in on our plans. you dont want to do it like that; oh thats not a good idea; and just giving her unnecessary opinion on things we should and shouldn’t do.

example: were planning on moving into a 2 bedroom apartment (master for us and second for an office/ guest room), which we’ve found a few in the area we want and withing our price range with the amenities were looking for. but shes trying to convince me to move into a studio for reasons that she won’t explain besides that “it’ll be better”. 

Another one is our wedding rings. My fiance is basically a mechanic for planes, so a rule is that no rings are allowed on the flight line for safety reasons, and he works most days, so he’s just getting a silicone ring. But I do care about the rings, and we decided that I would just get our rings, because it makes the most sense. My mother didn’t like that. She also didn’t like the type of ring I want to get for whatever reason. if i could put the rolling eyes emoji, I would 

I ended up inheriting my great great grandmother’s wedding ring from my nana, and I really love it. Its simple and an antique, so I think that once I get it cleaned that Im going to use it as my wedding ring because I fell so in love with it

Not only is it my mom, my papa also is acting the same way, but he’s not as passive aggressive about it. He is really upset that I’m not really doing anything traditionally. When I tried to explain to him that I believe that following tradition for the sake of following tradition, that I dont care about it because there is no significance of it to me. 

Example, my nana’s side of the family inherits jewelry, mainly rings and necklaces. You can inherit because someone has passed, or sometimes you inherit some because you turned 18. Ive inherited a bunch of jewelry from different family members and for different reasons and all of them are special to me and hold a different significance. now thats a tradition that I stand behind and if i have my own kids then ill make sure to follow it. but following some random tradition that isnt even in my family and only exists in society or christian views because someone else wants me to? thats a no from me dawg

anD MY papa had the idea of saying “where did we go wrong with you” and “we raised you on tradition” yadda yadda ya. and thats so funny because there is nothing in my life that is traditional. my life is so far from traditional that its really funny that he would say something like that. Also confusing because I asked him what he meant and he refused to elaborate. And now I can’t even mention being married/ getting married because he literally tells me that he doesn’t want to hear it and walks away. so that’s that on that i guess

its just so incredibly frustrating because im so happy and excited and i feel like these two are just tearing me down, and i cant express how im feeling around them

when i told my godfather, who has basically been my main father figure in my life, he was so excited and giddy. he just kept saying “wow my baby’s getting married”  and I hadn’t gotten a response like that from an elder yet. so him getting so genuinely excited for me was an experience that I had been waiting for. I didn’t get that from my mom, dad, stepmom, grandparents. My cousins are excited for/with me but they’re my cousins, we just want each other to be happy and thrive while doing it and honestly I thought that my parents and grandparents did too, but they just want me to do everything their way.

Anyways, I’m putting in my two weeks in tomorrow and once that is up, I am out of here and moving to a two states away to be with the love of my life. in the meantime im trying not to let this negativity get to me