#ive thought about it a lot and i dont even want like an official interview with the cast and everything

[lesbiandarvey]

next year is sports nights 25 year anniversary what are the chances of us getting some kind of reunion .. id say our chances are slim but not zero

[actualsunflower]

I have a huge life update to share rn--- My top surgery consultation is scheduled for July 5th!!!! I’M SO EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!! I’ve also been vaccinated!! :D ANNNDDD MY LEGAL NAME AND SEX HAVE BEEN CHANGEDD!!!!! :DDDD kind of a lot has happened since I’ve been actually active around here But now I guess is the much harder part, my official surgery date will be set at the consultation, but there’s a required $1,000 fee to set the official date for my surgery. The $1,000 covers a portion of the surgery as well, and the base price for the surgery is $8,500. I’ll get the exact price on July 5th, but that’s their base rate. I need to earn or raise at least $1,000 of the total cost before July 5th to secure my surgery date!! I’m going to take commissions when I can, I have 1 almost entirely complete right now and then I can take on more! I’m gonna have a more detailed explanation of everything under the cut so this isnt super super long so pls read under there if you want all the deets Pls consider commissioning me or donating so I can get top surgery!! read more for more info and me being sappy abt my emotions--

I’ve waited so long for this and I’m fricken excited, it’s the last step in transitioning for me! It really means everything for me, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and I can’t believe it’s finally happening !?!!! I am forever in everyones debt here and everywhere because I never wouldve even been able to start hrt if it wasn’t for the help here. I’m just so. Overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude I cant even tell how many times Ive cried and just felt like... actual gender euphoria since starting t..

So abt the appointment, I’m getting surgery with Dr. Javad Sajan, and I’m getting button hole double incision. Im serious his before and after pictures make me so emotional I am so happy and emotional for those people and I cannot wait to feel that kind of happiness and relief. But a big problem about this for me, is that he is in Seattle, and I live in southern Oregon. I can’t drive, so I have to rely on someone else, or take the train from a nearby city (Eugene). My consultation is over skype (which is amazing and a huge relief), but my pre-op appointment is in person, and of course so is the actual surgery. We’re planning on taking the train from Eugene because it seems to be the most reliable way to get there and back each time. Aside from my surgery, I’ve got to cover the price of the trip there and back (twice, once there and back for pre-op, once there and back post op,) and the price of a place to stay during the pre-op appointment. Right now my goal cost wise, is just the booking and base appointment price ($8,500, that’s including the $1,000 appointment setting deposit, which is just a part of the surgery cost and the base covers everything, surgery, the stay at the hospital, nips, anesthesia, everything). The full price is due at the pre-op appointment, and that’s the final bill. My insurance doesn’t cover anything because it’s out of state and county, and because its informed consent model. (which Im choosing because Id have to battle insurance for 2 years minimum if I was getting the surgery in Oregon, but I am very set on my surgeon after considering everything and calling many offices and looking through many subreddits and talking to ppl who’ve gotten it here and there) A lot of this information is on their site as well. As soon as I have my consultation, I will be right here to update everything and set the exact price, which I’ll also be including the price of transportation and staying there. As for paying, I’ve been applying to so many jobs, and even when I get interviews I never hear back from them. People keep telling me to stop admitting I’m disabled but I just can’t do that. Lying about being disabled doesnt make me abled and they don’t get that. I’m still trying though, and I am not going to stop trying until I get a job. But until then commissions and donations are my only source of income. I’ve been struggling getting help psychologically, because I have schizophrenia, and because I was diagnosed with adhd as a child, but I think I’m actually autistic rather than having adhd, and it’s been really hard trying to get diagnosed because I keep getting pushed off or told I cant have autism because I have paranoid schizophrenia or because its “just adhd”, but the medications are just making everything worse, and Ive tried more than one already. My medications for schizophrenia have started not working right, and when my schizophrenia meds get under control, it makes my adhd (?) significantly worse. Genuinely, I really dont know what’s happening. I really dont know whats going on with me right now and it’s hard and confusing and I keep swinging back and forth and it’s making everything deteriorate so fast I cant keep up with it. It seriously effects my ability to do anything at all, even art, and its been like this for the last 6 months. I am trying though, still trying to work, still trying to get a job, still trying to get a real diagnosis and help and Im not going to stop any of that. But I think getting top surgery as soon as possible is going to help me too, because dysphoria has just gotten so much worse focusing on my chest since t has started helping me pass and look so much more masculine. It’s like all my attention went from everything DIRECTLY to my chest and its almost unbearable. Even now since my sex has been legally changed I keep having the horrible thoughts of ‘why, why I am a man Im not supposed to be this way’ and shit idk. I’m getting too serious right now I have an appointment with the dmv to get a new updated driver’s permit with my name and fixed legal sex, and when I do that I can set up a bank account (I cant yet bcs I dont have a valid id/ id at all because I actually lost the other one and have been carrying around that paper one you’re supposed to destroy that is literally from 2016) and when I do, I’m going to set up a proper gofundme for my surgery and the travel expenses, but for now all I have is my paypal and online banking savings account. I’ll get that up asap once I have my id, though (Ive already been to the bank with my notarized judge passed papers and they wont take those yeah I know it’s stupid its like the same thing) But uhhh yeah! Thank you for reading this far if you did lol and considering helping me bcs my god, it literally means everything to me. pls share hehe

[latetaektalk]

hiiiiiii 🥰

ahh well, I’ll definitely let you know once I get around to reading it!! omg, never let me go is so bleak, so yah, you’ll love it if you love a good cry, like me hehe!

spirited away is literally like no other movie I’ve ever seen, and I was on the fence on whether to give it 4 or 5 stars, I think really it’s a 4.5 but there’s no half a star emoji haha. I’ve had family over so only half way through howl’s moving castle but I love it so far, so think it’ll be highly rated!

eeeek a fellow marvel fan!!!! I frickin love anything fantasy, LOTR, HP ⚡️ so, I don’t have favourites of anything, I’m so so indecisive, but a few of my favourites are cappie winter soldier, (probably the first marvel movie I really loved), thor ragnarok, GOTG, infinity war, civil war, black panther, spiderman. also the disney+ show wandavision is so good! I love scarlet witch 🧙‍♀️ also, I know it’s not marvel, but frickin love into the spider-verse!!! what’s your favourite marvel movie?? and what are your favourite movies in general?

hmm, good question… my favourite lego set is probably my new york set, it’s the first one I made during lockdown and it brought me joy during a bad time!

ah I was so waiting for a good time when I heard the title for the song, and when I listened to it, I was like, I should have known it was gonna be a sad girl summer. I haven’t, I’ll definitely check it out. I love hot ones interviews, did you see olivia rodrigo’s one, it was so funny! I love billie eilish’s new song, happier than ever, but I still need to listen to her new album!

I’ve always wanted to play piano, do you still play? yeah, I really hope she does!! but even if she doesn’t, fans always come through and do amazing versions themselves on youtube, but it would be awesome if she did official versions !!

speak soon, 🦋.

hello love !!

i definitely love a good cry, so im looking forward to getting it !! be ready for me to rant a bunch to you when i finish it!! and yes oh my god spirited away has a special place in my heart 💕 i watched that film during different stages of my life, and ive just grown such an appreciation for it! and im glad youre enjoying howl's moving castle! i really love that film too,,, in general im just in love with every ghibli film asdfsa also! i hope you had a great time with your family !!

ahhhh i see your a fantasy lover!! im not gonna lie, im not much of a fantasy fan and also havent actually finished the harry potter books/films but im always amazed by the people that are! i just know i wont be able to remember all of the lore 🤧 marvel lore is already enough for me sadfas and ahhh your taste is just ✨✨ im happy to hear that youre enjoying wandervision !! i dont have disney+ so i havent actually watched it yet,,, but im glad you like it! and oh my god i still gotta watch the spider-verse too asdf ive been so lazy with watching things these days lmao and even tho i agree with you that its impossible to choose any favourites, i do think that the first GOTG film is my favourite! its pretty much the first marvel film i ever saw and i just fell in love 💘💘 and aside from the marvel films, i really love romcoms !! my favourites are probably 500 days of summer and about time! both have a very special place in my heart because theyre just so goddamn great 💓 i also absolutely love the ocean's films !!! i think ive rewatched these films about a dozen of times now,, like whenever i dont know what to watch ill put it on! and obviously also spirited away ✨

ohh i see !! i just googled it and the set is so pretty! im glad to hear that it brought you joy during a bad time!!

and yeah stoned at the nail salon could have either been a really happy or sad song,,, and honestly with lorde i was expecting the latter LMAO and yes please do check it out!! it was a lot of fun!! and yeah ive seen olivia's hot ones interview !! now that lorde and olivia have done it im just waiting for a certain miss taylor swift to do it too to finish off the trio 👀 and right! i gotta listen to billie's new album too!! i really enjoyed her first album, so hopefully ill get around to listening to it soon! have you listened to it now? if so, what are your thoughts?

no, i quit around two years ago,, to be honest, i never wanted to learn in the first place asfds i was kinda forced into it by my parents rip and never really developed much of a passion for it 🤧 but if you wanna play piano, im sure you can teach yourself !! i feel like piano is a rather easy to learn, at least compared to other instruments! have you looked into that maybe? and if you dont wanna teach yourself, taking a couple lessons and learning the basics should be enough for most people !! i hope you get to around learning the piano one day !! im sure youll enjoy it because it really is a beautiful instrument 💘

anyway, please have a nice day love!! love you lots 💓

[fuckthisblog]

I need to spend more time on tumblr I forgot how calming this was.

I haven’t blogged since April it looks like so fuck...uuhhhh i used to make mini timelines on here and idek how to sum it all up but imma give it a shot for future me cause i always like to come back and read these - gonna go back in time a little to get the full covid picture but it ends with talking about the woods walk that lead to this video which brings me SO MUCH JOY

march 12th ~ last day i was at clinicals before it cancelled april 1st - online class stuff officially starts happening it probably happened before this but this is when i made a record of it. started anatomy review n shit for big ass exam april 5th - judging by my writing.. depression kicks in hard but also studying WAYYY too much every damn day april 14th ~ big deal first job interview april 17th ~ did the breakup thing, think that was the last time i wrote on here april 29th - found out big ass certification test on may 20th is scheduled for TBD ~ also found out i  got the job but awsjhcfksdjhk now certifcation is postponed for got knows when may 1st - journal says “i got to see syd and i feel better”, dont think i realized how hard the breakup feels were hittin me cause i remember casually hanging out n then suddenly crying may 13th - slept through last day of my fucking class like a goddamn depressed dummy may 18 n 19 n 20 - miss kitty to the er, and then to her nuero appointment and they think brain tumor but cant afford MRI but prednisone instantly makes her better. all the scared feels of losing her and class being done and no certification exam in sight and just general awful nothingness floating through the void (still studying way too much everyday day) seems like i saw kirk like every other weekend idk how to feel about that im the worst w clean breakups may 21st ~ technically ive graduated but it feels like nothing. also idk if he did it this day or the next but kirk dropped off flowers and a card and a you did it! smiley face thing with a grad cap on that yells YOU DID IT whenever u touch it lol may 26th ~ study sesh w shawna n jordan i know i did other study seshs w them too but idk when, and then home and parents had signs made on the lawn to congratulate me graduating, and then sydney got dropped off and we headed to rhode island may 28th ~ very interesting/bad/idk wtf mushroom trip. adderall was still in my system and i dont think my body liked that mix and then i took xanax to try to calm down but theyre not pharm approved xanax so i just lost some time but syd took awesome care of me and we laughed about this weird juicy couture dress idk even though it was bad it was great cause i was with her. i do remember petting miss kitty and she had like overlapping colored outlines and looked very ethereal and it kept me calm while syd was outside. before the trip was great too i went to ocean state job lot and syd and i made a bonfire and ate donuts n delicious coffee milkshakes honestly it was all great slept entire day after bad trip but then wokeup and immediately started studying again lmao june 1st - called the people to try to get my test scheduled but that was a no go june 4th - letter arrives can actually schedule test - schedule for 16th STUDY STUDY DIE DIE DIE STUDY DIE STUDY DIE SHdkjceshkfchsdjc june 16th - FUCKIN PASSED MY TEST june 30th - mask fitting n stuff july 1st - good hangs w syd im lucky to have her july 5th - go to the fells for the first time in FUCKIN FOREVER cause syd and lucas were going n invited me and im so happy they did swimming felt so good omg july 7th - first day o work july 10th - officially scrubbed in again, feels good, but exhausting july 21st - all nighter where connor tells me he never loved me but in the context of an actually really good heart to heart session (which weve been having a bunch of latelyp) im upset but also not at all, work is exhausting but ive started taking my antidepressants again (literally that morning lol) and i go for a woods walk n swim after, and a deer follows me in the forest and its magical and life is good july 22nd - fuckin slept through work and thats never happened so been pushin myself a bit too hard july 25th - yesterday, worked saturday w j so we’re the only tchs there and did 2 lap apps and a hemiarthroplasty and it was good but also a little discouraging idk if this career is for me

and that about brings it up to today. talking to kirk less which is good for both of us. connor and i having lots of heart to hearts n genuine friendship chats. glad thats come full circle. lucky to have syd in my life. just generally idk that bears repeating haha i love her and writing this is realized how many times i wanted to write “and then syd made everything better” - she was the first person i called after i passed my test and she started screaming for me cause she knows me and knows my past and how hard ive worked and idk just a lotta love there. im lucky. word end of things idk wtf is going on but does anybody really? hahahaha. this career is not for me and i know it deep down but ill finish orientation before i do anything. but as of right now even though lifes good it kinda feels bad cause almost everyday im sweating and shaking and in so much fucking pain for a 10 hour shift and then i come home and collapse. antidepressants are helping though. i havent been on them for the entirety of my program/job so i thought that the job just came w this sort of exhaustion. but now im remembering theres after work tired and then theres depression tired.

[lenjaminmacbuttons]

Hope you’re doing okay, I know there’s been a lot going on the past couple weeks. 🌈🌈💛💛

FOOF YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

thank you for the good vibes anon, i love you and it means a lot to me. however unfortunately now im gonna use this to vent dump exactly how much has been going on the past couple weeks off the top of my head. this is actually pretty far from Everything thats happen but im so tired and dont want to think about any of it anymore

my grandma passed away last week. we were prepared for it and we know she’s at peace in a better place et cetera et cetera, her body was all full of restraints & impediments that she doesnt have to deal with anymore and the next time she’s in a body it’ll be all New And Improved and awesome. i missed so much work in anticipation of this that now i can’t get work off on the day of the funeral, so i can still go to it but i’ll have to go immediately to work right from it and have to pretend everythings fine and dandy and nothings going on.

everyone at work Does know there’s something going on however and the two coworkers i have who are actually like i consider them friends mostly they’re all like Hey Im Here For You Talk About Your Feelings Honestly with me and i. dont. want. to talk about my feelings at work. thats not what work is for and i dont like talking about my feelings anyway and i dont want them to ask anymore

the changes to the handbook and the honor code have completely sunk my heart. i had so much hope up until those hideous ridiculous unfathomably transphobic things they wrote and now i don’t feel like i can trust or have hope in ANYTHING the institution does anymore. ive been up all night going back and forth over whether i want to go to church today. or ever again. it’s not bringing me joy. it’s making me feel anxious and depressed and frustrated and alone. i keep seeing people just on the street or on facebook who are so happy and content with the church and whatever it does and i just…i get struck every single time with this thought of “they don’t care about me. they don’t care about any of these problems. they’re not affected personally by it and so they don’t care.”

and then that makes me feel like such a hypocrite because!!! ive been them too for so long!! what makes this moment so different!!!!! why is this the straw that breaks the camel’s back when the camel should have thrown off the whole burden and run to join its friends at the first strike of the owner’s whip!!!!!!

plus it’s making me feel gross about my mormon memes blogs. idk if i can keep running those anymore.

im failing this semester anyway and i keep getting emails about it. i was planning to take a break from school After this semester but ive missed so much class that i just really can’t go back to any of them so i guess im just dropping out right now. as much as i’d love to participate in all the incredible amazing protests going on right now i really really cant be on campus at all without feeling literally physically ill. and my Hope was to do really well this last semester and then submit mission papers and that way i’d know exactly what next to do with my life until i decide what After, and id be able to Get Out somewhere and travel someplace while still feeling like my life has some semblance of structure and direction. however! HOWEVER!!!!!!!!

i’ve been feeling so, so horrible and so worn down and i dont even know where or what my testimony is anymore. but that’s probably a lot lower on the list of Why I Can’t Serve A Mission, because a. i still don’t trust my Local Bishop enough to talk to him about things The Handbook says to b. i am finding it harder and harder and harder to be perceived as female. i never really have dysphoria about my body or my presentation or anything but like, when people say Sister and Ma’am and Miss and Daughter and Hey Pretty Lady It’s Me Your Relief Society President it’s like…that’s not me. that feels gross. and i wear suits and ties to church, have done so for a while and never get any flak for it, and im gradually working up the nerve to maybe start introducing myself as lev or levi instead of lillie buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. socially transitioning apparently is not allowed.

not to mention my temple recommend expired ages ago anyway. anxiety about bishops prevented me from ever going in for an interview to renew it. i haven’t visited the temple once since before graduating high school. but every time i see it or think about it i long for it so badly and it hurts so much.

and also like, i get that same kinda horrible regretful longing feeling whenever i hear violin music? because i played violin for a few years and then stopped but i still have the instrument because it was given to me by my grandmother. who played it herself until sickness wouldn’t let her anymore and she entrusted it to me and i Stopped Playing but then i hoped to pick it up enough to at least learn how to play her favorite song and aw wouldn’t that be so nice to play that for her on her violin except i never actually got around to printing out the sheet music or practicing At All. and now she’s gone.

and one of the last things she said to me was that she would love to hear my book since her eyesight was too gone to read it so i said i’d record it as soon as i got the right software/hardware to do that and then i never did that either. also i promised alla yalls that book would be Published Published coming up on four months ago now and i still haven’t done that

i took a pair of safety scissors to my forearms as mentioned in a previous post and surprise surprise, the lines have not healed still, it’s getting warmer outside and thus harder to wear long sleeves, and guess what! a while ago on a separate occasion i complained that i kinda wished my self harm scars looked more like the classic cutter lines and Now They Do!! And I Hate It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a couple nights ago my little sister saw them and so i told her i got attacked by a spider-pawed bear and fortunately my brother Understands and backed me up like “dang what do they teach in schools these days i cant believe youve never heard of the spider-pawed bears that live in the mountains and are totally normal and real”

and steven universe is ending. that’s a thing.

and like….okay. not everything in my emotions right now is bad. some of it is just complicated. one coworker friend i have recently confessed that she’s had a crush on me for several months now. fortunately when she said this i was able to be honest and say that im not super eager for a relationship right now, im not ready in the slightest to settle down or anything, im still hung up on my high school crush and also dealing with issues from my last relationship, and she replied that’s all perfectly fine and she doesn’t have any expectations and she’s great being friends and we can take things at whatever pace is good

except i also now have a date with said high school crush loosely planned for tomorrow and i told this coworker friend about it and she admitted it’s making her a little jealous and then she said jealous is an ugly word and amended it to Insecure and i feel bad about that

but i also like. am really excited for this date. like it’s not really a for sure romantic capital-d Date and that’s fine, but i haven’t seen this friend irl for so long and ive been missing her so much over this past little while that we’ve been internet chatting and that ive been i guess officially falling back in love with her but i also like, i dont know what her deal is romantically right now i don’t want to presume anything but i really really really am itching to see her

work is stressful. it’s only gonna get more so as weather gets warmer. but we’re getting two new managers with loads of experience and glowing reviews next week. i have hope that they’ll makes things a little lighter.

and there’s also. good things. peridot took off her visor for the first time ever in canon and i saved like 50 different gifs of it to my computer cus it rocked my world. sonic has she-ra toys for the kids meals and i managed to snag a tiny inflatable version of the sword. i’m making cosplays of the tres horny boys from the adventure zone and they’re all very exciting and making things makes me very very happy. i’m finding joy in all the fanfictions i’m writing right now and in talking about dungeons & dragons with my brothers and friends. ducknerva is a very beautiful Good Ending version of marahope which makes me happy and taako is a super effective projection outlet. i bought cupcakes today and they were delicious. and when i think about those good things, when i think about any good thing no matter how small, everything else disappears.

whatever happens happens i guess.

she who lives will see.

[angrylizardjacket]

when i said it i thought it was true [4] {Ben Hardy}

A/N: 2973 words. Listen, I massaged the timeline a little bit, just suspend your disbelief, perhaps it only takes 4 months to be in post production. Also yes I know X-Men didn’t actually film in Egypt, but I didn’t know that at the start of this fic and now I’m sticking with my mistakes because momma didn’t raise a quitter but she did raise a fool.

[part 1] [part 2] [part 3]

“You’re not proposing to me in a sheer shirt.” The moment the makeup team leaves, you turn on Ben, amusement tugging at your lips as you cross your arms, cocking your hip.

“You don’t like it?” He asked, the picture of innocence as he fiddles with the cuff of his jacket. You raise a singular eyebrow. “I think you do like it.” He hummed, a mischievous sparkle in his eye. When you refuse to break eye contact, your silence is answer enough. “I think you like it a lot.” 

It’s been almost a four months since shooting officially wrapped, two since you’d filmed the last of the pick up shots they’d needed, and a full month since you and Ben seen each other in person; you’d been busy with a Netflix series, and Ben had been in talks about a new project, and you’d been messaging every day but seeing each other in person is... well there’s something different. Playful. Easy. Somehow neither of you seem worried about the looming proposal, and are just making up for lost time.

“Love, you’ve gotta take it up with the stylist, not me.” He shrugged, as if helpless, and turned, making his way to the door, knowing without even looking that you’ll be following behind him. He’s chipper, brimming with excitement and looking damn good, and once he gets to the elevator and pushes the button, he offers you his arm while he waits.

“Marry me.” He says it suddenly, watching the numbers of the elevator tick up to your floor. There’s no-one around, and the ring is still in his pocket.

“What?” With a frown, you step into the elevator, and press the button for the lobby, still tucked up against him.

“What if we just show up engaged?” He asks, hand in his pocket where he’s fiddling with the ring box. He’s not nervous, just contemplative.

“And deprive Swarovski of their moment?” You scoffed, and he tipped his head to look at you, eyebrows raised in exasperated amusement.

“I know you hate the ring, ‘too gaudy, too ostentatious by half’, isn’t that what you said?” He snickers after doing as half decent imitation of you. Giving him a shove, you duck your head to hide your embarrassed smile.

“It’s so ‘look at me! Look at me!’” You huff, and he can’t help but laugh at that. The sound of it, in person rather than over Skype, made you feel, for lack of a better phrase, like you were home. Not that there really was a better phrase, you just didn’t want to think about or admit how much you’d missed him.

“Sorry to say, dude, but there’s nothing more ‘look at me! Look at me!’ than a red carpet proposal.” And yeah, okay, maybe he had a point, but that was one night, you had to wear that ring until... they hadn’t told you the DVD release date, but you’re pretty sure it was some time in the New Year. When you bring this up, he just rolls his eyes. “You’re not the one getting down on one knee for a fake proposal; I’m gonna look like an idiot when this is all over.” 

“Well fine, if you’re so worried, I’ll propose.” Instead of dwelling on his words, you step away, holding your hand out expectantly. When he just stares at you, bewildered, you motion for him to hand the ring box over, and he finally cracks a grin, shaking his head.

“If you think I’m gonna be caught dead in that ring you’re wrong.” He spluttered, and you can’t help but laugh at that.

“Fine, I won’t take your first proposal away from you.” You hum with a smile, tucking yourself back against him. He goes very quiet. It takes you a few moments, but you look up at him, brow furrowed. He seems lost in his own thoughts. “It- Ben you’ve never been engaged before, I feel like I’d know if you had been.” Your words snap him out of his trance and he looks at you with wide, bright eyes, and an unconvincing smile.

“Yeah, no, I would have told you by now otherwise.” The silence that falls around you in not a comfortable one, and you’re glad when the elevator comes to a stop. “I got close once, though.” He admits, quietly. You don’t know how to respond to that; you hadn’t considered how much those words would hurt. You want to ask with who, but you already felt an unreasonable rush of jealousy at the thought of someone else stealing his heart enough for him to want to be with them forever. Unreasonable jealousy.

Filming for X-Men started a week ago and he’s only called you once; he’s on a film lot somewhere in Canada and his hair is curly and god he looks cute but the apartment feels so empty. He’s bright eyed and excited. He’s rambling about how busy he is, and he’s still wearing his makeup. The call lasts five minutes; the cast are going out for dinner. You tell him to have fun, but you’re heart’s not in it; he can sense it, and promises to call you tomorrow, before he hangs up.

He doesn’t call, part of you isn’t surprised.

“Marry me.” He asks again, voice low in your ear. The others in the car can’t hear him, but part of you is afraid they might. They don’t technically know it’s not a real relationship, though part of you thinks Gwilym has his doubts, not that he’d ever voice them.

“Not the time.” You shoot him a warning look, and he just slings an arm around you, leaning back in his seat. 

“You’ll regret not letting me be low-key about it.” He warns in return, giving you a blithe smile, and you narrow your eyes at him.

“Low-key about what?” Lucy asks, and you elbow Ben in the ribs. He keeps smiling, though his mischievousness slides to something more fond as he actually looks at you.

“About anything.” You say by way of explanation, and though she, along with the rest of the car, still look confused, they don’t push it. There’s reporters everywhere when you get out of the car, and you and Ben are the last ones out.

“Last chance before this becomes a spectacle.” He murmurs when he steps out after you, straightening the back of your dress just a little, and he sounds amused, but there’s something genuine in his voice, and you take a moment to pause, turning back to him. His hands land on your hips, his touch light, and his expression is so familiar it hurts, and you realise he is a little nervous; it’s a very public setting for what should be a very private matter. With cameras going off all around you, you pull him in for a kiss, and he relaxes somewhat, kissing you back with his grip tightening on your hips.

“We’re being paid to be a spectacle.” You remind him, and he nods, smiling softly, and the two of you make your way down the red purple carpet together. You have to stop every few feet to do interviews, and soon enough you had pulled ahead of Ben; he had a much larger part in the film that you did, it wasn’t surprising the reporters wanted to monopolise him. It still felt strange, to turn and not have him there. Sometimes you’d do interviews with the other boys, sometimes he’ll be there, and as the main photo area loomed, you could finally feel the butterflies in your stomach.

Soon.

Perhaps too soon.

“What do you mean you’re going to Egypt?” You snapped, wishing your internet connection was better so he could see you glaring clearly.

“I told you about it ages ago.” Ben sighs, clearly tired. It’s there in his eyes, how drained he is, how hard he’s been working, and your expression softens.

“That’s exciting,” you force yourself to take a breath, it was the first time you two had spoken that fortnight, neither of you needed this to be hostile. The days had started feeling so long when you don’t hear from him; all you want is a damn hug and he’s on the other side of the world. “What if I come visit you?”

“In Egypt?” He asks, eyebrows raised.

“In Egypt.” You confirm, a weak smile on your face, he doesn’t look thrilled by the process.

“Don’t bother.” He sighs, and the moment he sees your expression fall, he realises how his words had sounded, and he’s sitting up straight, panicked look on his face, spluttering his way through an apology. “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m just busy and it’s going to be hot and-”

“No, I get it.” Your dejected sigh was followed by a yawn, and you hovered over the end call button. “When you’re less tired I think we should talk.” You tell him, and you see the confusion, fear, and resignation pass over his face in quick succession.

He agrees quietly, and neither of you really say goodbye before hanging up.

He was tapping on your shoulder as you were halfway through talking to E! News, and you’ve never been more anxious and excited in your life, and never so thankful to not be at the main photo area on a red carpet. His timing was perfect.

“So sorry, could I borrow Y/N for a minute?” He smiles charmingly at the reporter, and his expression softens when he sees the relief in your eyes. 

Before he even starts, it feels off, feels wrong, feels like a performance for the cameras more than anything else. 

“Don’t get teary on me, I know how hard your makeup artists worked.” He begins, and you make sure the cameras catch your surprised confusion. He’s takes one of your hands in his, linking your finger together, and the other holds your face. There’s a moment that passes between you two, his expression softens as he looks in your eyes and it’s as if he’s looking past everything that had happened, the whole setup you’d found yourself in; he was seeing you. 

“This is probably the biggest night of my life,” he starts, taking a deep breath, “for more than one reason; you’re my best friend, you’ve been there for some of the highest points in my life, and some of the lowest. I know you, Y/N, I feel like I’ve known you my whole life, and I want to. I want you there by my side for the rest of it,” it sounds... so much more planned out than you’d expected, so much more heartfelt, and you’d be damned if there weren’t tears in your eyes. Despite the fact that this very private moment had a huge audience, which included a reporter muttering ‘holy shit, is this what I think it is?’, you could only see him. Damn if it didn’t feel real.

“I love you; I’ve loved your since-” his voice catches in his throat, and you see a hint of pain flash across his face before he’s smiling again, “since I first saw you in that damn wig they put you in,” it sounds like an addendum, like he doesn’t really mean it, or like it’s not the whole truth, but it’s enough to make you laugh, and when you look down to hide your embarrassed smile, your tears fall from your eyes, “since you agreed to all of this,” he gestures to himself with a self-deprecating grin, though his double meaning is not lost on you, though his expression turns serious after a moment, “since I first kissed you on set, though that feels like a long time ago.” Your breath catches in your throat, and he sounds like he hadn’t mean to say that last part, his voice too raw, his heart too honest for it to be a truly fake statement. You can do little more than whisper his name in reverence. Gently, so gently, he lifts your head, his thumb wiping the tear track from your cheek. 

“Marry me?” It’s a question this time, and when you look at him with confusion, disbelief written on your face at the way he chose to word it, he laughs softly, sinking to one knee and pulling out the ring box, and revealing the single most frivolous ring you’d ever had the displeasure of seeing. “Will you marry me?” He corrects softly.

The crowd behind you is going absolutely mad behind you, and cameras are going off at an almost blinding rate, but his eyes don’t leave yours. Nodding, you can’t even form words, so caught up in the moment, and he stands, pulling you into a kiss. The flash of cameras surround you like a sea of stars and Ben’s the only thing keeping you on solid ground. His grip is tight enough that he almost lifts you off the ground, and you’re on your tiptoes with his arms around you before his grip loosens, his hands sliding down the small of your back, and for the first time since this whole fake relationship began, he doesn’t hesitate before he deepens the kiss. He tastes like mint and you’re so glad you’re wearing that twenty-four hour lipstick or you know you’d be a mess, and when you pull back, you’re both out of breath, looking at each other with a something akin to awe in your eyes.

You’re pretty sure, in this moment, you love him; nothing fake about it. And you can see it in his eyes that he loves you too. This is dangerous territory for you both.

Stepping back, he takes your hands again.

“I told you not to cry, love.” He laughs gently, voice so soft as you dab at your eyes with your right hand, watching as he slides the ring onto the ring finger of your left hand.

“What can I say, you have a way with words; how long were you working on that speech.” You sniffle, grinning brightly as you examine the ring, still holding his hand. After a beat too long of silence, you look up to see him smiling softly at you.

“A while.” He admits, and something about the way he says it makes your chest ache. The moment passes and he looks down at your joined hands. “That’s fucking hideous.” He whispers, shaking his head at the sight of the ring, and you giggle, preferring to throw your arms around him, kissing him again.

The two of you are the last two to arrive at the formal photo area, with the logo backdrop, and Joe’s grin is confused where he greets you both at the edge of where everyone was in a line getting a group shot.

“What was all the commotion over there?” He asked quietly, and Ben stepped into position easily, slipping an arm around Joe’s shoulders and pulling you in. You were still beaming, you couldn’t help yourself.

“We got engaged.” Ben murmurs to Joe, careful not to draw attention to them, which was immediately counteracted by Joe’s loud ‘What the fuck?!’ “Calm down, man, we didn’t want to take all the focus off of the premiere, you know?” 

As soon as the big group shot was taken, you stepped off to the side as the four boys had their photos taken, and you could see Joe murmuring to the others, while Ben just smiled for the cameras and tried not to blush.

Photos were taken with Brian and Roger, of Rami and Lucy, and even some of you and Ben, and when you posed, you both had an arm around each other, and you leaned into him, resting your hand on his chest with your ring on clear display.

There’s congratulations all around as you’re heading into the theatre, but the biggest shock of the night comes in the form of Roger Taylor wrapping you up in a hug while you’re still glowing with pride.

“Before we go in, I want you to know you did an incredible job, dear. You’re a stunning performer and I never had any doubts about you.” As he says it, you can feel Ben give your hand a gentle squeeze. You’re pretty sure you’ve got shock written all over your face. “I’m very proud of you both.” He claps Ben on the shoulder, and Ben thanks him quietly. It looks as though he’s about to head in, but he turns back. “Be good to her, you hear?” He says to Ben sternly, but there’s a glimmer of fondness in his eyes, and Ben rolls his eyes good-naturedly. He’s still holding your hand.

“What was that?” You breathed as soon as Roger had left; you feel like you’ve been doused in cold water, though you can’t help but smile.

“Well I think he definitely approves of you playing Amanda.” Ben moves to wrap an arm around you as the two of you head into the theatre, searching for your seats. “And I think... I think he gave us his blessing?” That sounds more confused than anything else, and you don’t know how to respond one way or the other, apart from softly laughing as you sit down next to Lucy. Part of you, the largest part that had stayed sane and not drunk on this fake engagement, is pretty sure Roger’s going to be the hardest to break it to, when everything’s over; part of you worries that without Ben, you’ll lose his approval, which you didn’t realise you’d been craving until you’d received it. There’s an anxiety that builds in your chest as the lights go down, but Ben’s hand is in yours and you lean your head on his shoulder, and you can ignore that little worry for now.

the rat pack: @hotspacedeacon @strangeandwonderfulconcepts @itssaje @d-r-e-a-m-catchme @callumidiot @rockandrollandshit @bohorap @pietrorunsforme @sweetfierceimagines @itsjackothy @mhftrs @sherlockiantheatrenerd @softbenhardy @multifandomgirlrandomstuff @virtualsheepeat @smile-nine @i-padfootblack-things @deaconsroger @spookyfrances @holyurlbatman @your-idiotic-excellency @cosmicsskies @chlobo6 @screaminggalileochickenwrites

(crossed out means it wouldn’t tag; i’ll try again for the next part, lemme know if you wanna be tagged xx)

[magioftheseas]

Day 1 - Reserve

Written for @the-hinata-project 

Prompt: Reserve Course Student Hinata

Rating: G

Warnings: Lowkey manipulation and insecurity, but other than that, not much.

Notes: Alright, so I’m still in the middle of these, but like... Here’s the first one! They’re all going to be pretty short, around 2K but I’m gonna do my best to finish all of them so wish me luck...! And this first fic is gen. No ships. Next ones won’t be so gen. It’s also pre-HPA. Kind of.

***Alternate Ao3 Link***

Commission? Donate?

The last wish he made on New Year’s was a simple one.

I want to get into Hope’s Peak.

But of course that  would never happen.

“Can’t you dream more realistically, Hajime? Do you have any idea how expensive Hope’s Peak actually is? We can’t afford that.”

“I... I know that, but...”

“If you know then why are you burdening us with this? Please. Just think about other people besides yourself for once.”

“...sorry.”

His mother sighs, but ruffles his hair in a show of affection.

“You current high school isn’t so bad, right? You can make good friends here, and it’s a fine school.”

“I guess it’s...decent,” he mumbles.

“Just don’t even worry about Hope’s Peak anymore,” she tells him. “It’s impossible, and it can’t be helped. Keep your chin up. Okay?”

“...fine...”

Because he knew, after all, that she had a point. They couldn’t afford it. And he wasn’t talented. It was a pipe dream to attend. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Still...

--

For his birthday, he was given a new laptop to replace the old. It was a fairly recent model. Pretty expensive. Likely compensation. He can’t say he didn’t like it.

He wasn’t ungrateful. He doesn’t think so.

It’s just that I admire Hope’s Peak more than anything.

So much so that he finds himself on the forums first thing.

>Does anyone have any idea who’s going to be in the upcoming batch?

>They haven’t finished scouting, right? Oh, but I just saw on the news that an actual princess was accepted! Hope’s Peak really can get in anyone!

>Wow, actual royalty?!

>There’s this photographer I follow. She’s getting in, too, I’m pretty sure.

>I just saw Saionji Hiyoko-san’s performance last week. I’m positive she’s getting in.

>I’m more interested in the princess. Can you imagine how lucky it would be to meet an actual princess?

>>They’ll be running the lottery in a month or so. What I would give to have more of a chance...

>Wow, they’re doing that again?

>With how much getting into the reserve course costs, you probably have a better chance with the lottery...

>But if you win the lottery, you’re actually considered talented. Reserves are just...y’know, reserves.

>But you’ll get to meet the princess, potentially. I think the money’s worth it, even if all I can do is steal a glance!

>Still... Seems so lame that you can just pay your way in...

>But brand name recognition is pretty powerful...

>>I heard you can actually get into the main course from the reserve course if you do well enough.

>No way! That’s a pipe dream! Maybe if you paid like, twice as much!

>Must be nice to be rich, huh...

Hinata stares, wondering what to type, but also letting the thoughts swirl around in his head.

>>I would do anything to get into Hope’s Peak. But my family just can’t afford that.

>Yeah, mine neither. Who actually can?

>You’d be surprised... They’re getting a lot of enrollments.

>You can’t like...get a scholarship or anything? It’s not like you need to go to college after attending Hope’s Peak.

>Well the golden gates can’t open that wide, I suppose...

>It’s for the best. If just about anyone could get in, it wouldn’t be that special.

Hinata bites his lip, picking at the peeling skin with his teeth.

>>Still. I want to get in more than anything.

>If you aren’t talented, it can’t be helped.

>>I would give anything.

>Pffft. No kidding. I’d give an arm and a leg, probably.

>>I would give anything.

>A lot of people would.

>You’re like a super fan, huh. Well, I am, too, but still...

>>Getting into Hope’s Peak has always been my dream.

>Everyone wants to be special, man.

>But if everyone was special then no one would be special.

>It can’t be helped. You’re either born talented or you aren’t.

>Right?! I must have spent hours drawing but there was always that one person I could just never compare to. It’s hopeless!

>You shouldn’t say hopeless on the Hope’s Peak forums!

>Haha, sorry!

>>I’ve never been talented. There’s not one thing I’m particularly good at.

>Normie...

>>But I want to get into Hope’s Peak Academy... More than anything.

>Give it up. For your own good. Wishing for the impossible isn’t healthy.

>Hey, don’t tell him that! What if he ends up winning the lottery?

>Yeah, right!

>>I’m not particularly lucky, either.

>Luck’s not a talent anyway.

>Are you sure? I’ve known people who get ridiculously lucky while gambling...

>If they gamble too much, that luck’s bound to run out. And I bet they’re not that lucky, they just brag a lot.

>That might be true... Still it would be nice just to get into Hope’s Peak by chance...

>Whoever wins that lottery probably is ridiculously lucky considering how many people are participating. We’re talking like, every high school student in their first year in the country.

>Sucks to be other countries, huh.

>Maybe someday but for now, I like not having that much competition.

>Still a ridiculous amount competing...

>I bet it’ll be someone who can afford the reserve course if they haven’t already enrolled.

>No fair! That kind of thing should disqualify you immediately!

>>I just...want to get in...

>Yeah we all do. But it’s impossible.

>Impossible.

>Totally impossible.

>Pigs will fly first.

>I heard some Ultimates actually can make some crazy shit. We might see flying pigs pretty soon.

>That’s terrifying.

>>I just want to get in.

>You should get offline.

He should. He really, really should.

Is it really impossible?

“Of course it is,” he can practically hear them murmur. “Not only are you untalented, you can’t afford it! And you’re going to win the lottery, either!”

Hinata buries his face into his hands, shuddering.

I just... I just...

--

To his surprise, he later receives a DM. Shivering, he clicks it open.

>Would you really do anything for Hope’s Peak?

He doesn’t recognize the name of the sender but...it looks official.

>>Yes. Of course. Why?

>There actually is a program you can sign up for that will get you in without having to pay a coin.

Hinata blinked once. Twice.

It’s way too good to be true.

But he’s desperate. Beyond desperate.

>>What is this program? How can I sign up?

>Here’s the information.

--

What he’s about to do is how people get themselves abducted, he’s pretty sure. But right now, he’s desperate and... If it really was someone associated with Hope’s Peak, how bad can it be? What’s the worse than can happen?

I already have no chance getting in. I know that... But...

His heart was pounding as he took the train. He stared out the window, at HPA’s towering buildings in the distance, getting closer and closer, and he sucks in his breath.

It’s so shining that it hurts to look at.

Shining like a dream...

--

“Ah, Hinata-kun, you made it after all. So you have the necessary information?”

“Uh... Yes...” Truth be told, he didn’t understand most of it. There were a lot of words that were hard to read and pretty...advanced. “I just...well you said you couldn’t explain everything in just files, so...”

The other looked pretty professional. Sharply dressed and smiling in a way that at least seemed pretty welcoming. But...still pretty intimidating, considering the circumstances. Hinata ducked his head, feeling rather flustered.

“Yes, it’s meant to be kept very tightly under wraps, you see,” they laugh. “I need to assure confidentiality before explaining, Hinata-kun. Surely you understand.”

That’s...weird.

But it made his blood thrum with excitement to be a part of.

“I... Y-Yes, of course. Absolutely... Of course...”

“Sign this form, then, promising that.”

“O-Of course...!”

He scribbles down his signature without a second thought. The other smiled more, pleased. Hinata squirmed in his seat, and tried to keep his posture straight.

With that, the other sat across from him, polite and yet...expectant.

Ah... Hah...

“So you’re willing to do anything for this school,” they say, voice almost light but also dense with significance. “Might I ask why?”

“It’s...as I said on the forums,” Hinata mumbles, fiddling with his tie. Even dressed professionally for this would-be interview, he feels underdressed. “I’ve always admired this school. Always. It’s always been my dream to...to go there...”

The other nods, expression unchanged.

“And why do you wish so badly to go there, despite not having a talent that can be cultivated?”

Hinata flinched.

“T-That’s...! I...” He hesitates, but he soon finds the words just spilling out. “I just want to be someone I can be proud of. Someone who can stand tall. Be confident. Be significant. Isn’t that what I deserve?”

“Isn’t that what everyone deserves?”

Hinata’s nails dig into his palms.

“I admire Hope’s Peak...more than anyone. I will give whatever I can...and then more than that...if I have to.” His teeth grit. “Whatever it takes... W-Whatever it takes...!”

Even though I know it’s selfish and impossible, I just...!

He just wanted to be someone. Someone other than...this.

Unimportant. Unremarkable. A faceless, meaningless part of the mass. The idea of being consumed by mediocrity and insignificance for the rest of his life, never to matter, never to even be remembered, just to disappear, just like he never even existed—

“I’ll do...w-whatever...it takes...” He’s shaking, eyes wide and crazed. “Whatever it takes... Whatever I can...and then more than that...if I have to.”

“Ah. I see.” An easy smile. And yet, the atmosphere felt so heavy that it was near suffocating. “Very well then, Hinata-kun. That’s exactly the kind of attitude we’re looking for.”

Hinata lit up.

“R-Really?” He dares to let hope slip into his tone. “D-Do you really mean it?”

A nod.

“Hinata-kun... If you could be reborn from the faceless body of a miserable nobody into the world’s hope... Would you?”

“That...sounds too good to be true...” His heart really was racing, but he was flushed with excitement. “But... Y-Yeah... I... Of course...”

“Then, allow me to tell you about how that can be possible. If you agree, you’ll be accepted into the school, free of charge, no talent necessary. In fact, it’s even essential that you be talentless.”

I...don’t understand.

He doesn’t understand but it just sounds so incredible that he can’t help but be swayed.

“...tell me.”

“Very well.”

A folder of files is placed before him. They look too important to grasp. And the stamped out letters of CONFIDENTIAL stare back into his wide-eyed, shimmering gaze.

Fingers trembling, Hinata actually slices his finger open as he flips it open.

He doesn’t even feel the sting, as engrossed as he is in the text.

“I...”

The words swirl around in his head, over and over until he drowns in them.

“Do you need time to think about it?” the other asks him kindly. So kindly that Hinata is struck cold. “Tell you what... You can still get into the reserve course. You don’t have to say yes right away, and the deadline will be in a few months from now. You can attend classes here until then...and then make your decision on whether or not you’re willing to stay. Okay?”

“I... O-Okay.” Hinata swallows. “That’s... I’m okay with that.”

I said I’d do anything. And I do...want to do anything. But...

His hands are shaking while still gripping the files.

I can’t...let this chance slip by...even if it’s something like this. This is everything I ever wanted. Why am I even hesitating?

“It’s alright,” the other says reassuringly, taking the files away with ease. “Hinata-kun, I know you’ll make the best decision for yourself.”

For...myself. Myself...

“I...yes.”

“I’ll have them send in your acceptance letter and uniform.” His hand is shook, the grip warm and calloused. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Hinata-kun.”

“A-A pleasure... Yeah.”

Just like that, Hinata was stumbling out of Hope’s Peak, trembling and falling to pieces with every shaky step.

I have to do it, he can’t help but think. I have to do it, for...for myself...

This was going to be the year his life changed irreparably. He was sure of it.

[rqs902]

bias explanation tag

ok so @banana-jiayou tagged me to do this about one month ago and me being the forgetful person that i am, am just getting around to it now!!!

nini actually tagged me to talk about either my banana or my mr-x bias, but because i still consider myself as “developing” my bias order in mr-x (altho anyone can probably tell im leaning towards luo zheng) i’ll go with banana kids!! 

you may know already, my banana bias is Lu Dinghao 🌞🌞

(i dug deep into my #ludinghao tag to try to piece together what i can remember of what happened hahahha)

the rest will go under the cut bc i think this is gonna get kinda long....

Idol Producer Era

you may have seen me rant about this in my tags before, but I really did not plan on watching Idol Producer... at all. I watched p101s2 and it wasn’t the greatest experience for me (kenta and youngmin were my favs ;;;) and so I wasn’t too keen on starting another extremely similar show, because I had little hopes that the kids I’d like would make it to the end, so I thought the show would just end in disappointment for me again.  

but! *drumroll please* cue chen linong! (i promise, im getting to dinghao, itll all make sense eventually LOL)

so I forget why, but maybe when I was just on the internet, I heard a LOT about chen linong. (even my friends who don’t watch ip who are just normal taiwanese kids HAVE HEARD OF chen linong. he’s honestly THAT popular in taiwan that regular people who dont care about ip know his name - its crazy!) so i heard he was taiwanese and I heard he was super popular and tons of people loved him. so what did i do? I went and looked up his audition video bc i was like wtf why is this kid so popular?? whats so special about him??

so one audition video, one intro video, one upward!trainee video, and a couple of douyins later, i was officially committed to watching idol producer for chen linong. 

the next step, what do I do? go to wikipedia (LOL) and search up what other taiwanese boys are on the show. i immediately notice 3 of them are from banana ent and banana ent actually also has a malaysian child. (which was super interesting to me too bc i have a lot of friends who are southeast asian and southeast asian representation is super cool!!) and so i watched all of the 5 other taiwanese kids’ intro videos and upward!trainee videos. I’ll be honest, at the time none of them stood out to me as strongly as linong (I just love love love smiley guys, and linong’s personality was so strongly taiwanese and so down-to-earth in his audition video, i just couldn’t resist!) but from there, bc 3 of the 6 taiwanese kids were in banana, I knew to look out for the banana kids. 

fast forward to episode 2, I watch the banana audition perf and dinghao sort of stands out to me because i usually go for the “happy/ mood-maker” member in kpop groups, so when he introduced himself as “小太陽陸定昊” i was like oo who’s this? also im soft for boys with the curved lip smile thing heheh and so in my curiosity to find out who he is, i look him up and find his instagram! (i didnt have weibo yet) and I start seeing pictures like these and I’m like oh my goodness he’s beautiful :o 

but i think julie (@qinfour) was one of the first people i talked to about this, but one of the reasons why i usually like “happy/ mood-maker” members is because I feel like I can relate to them (ie: dinghao) bc I feel similar to them. In high school i was seen as the crazy hyper happy one and people actually thought that i was constantly happy.... all the time... which is impossible. so it was hard for me at times bc when i wasn’t feeling happy, people would discredit my feelings, or as soon as I stopped smiling, people would be like omg whats wrong with you?? so to me, seeing idols who are like that, having a happy, fun exterior but are actually insecure / experiences hardships inside, makes me feel like i can relate to them. 

so anyway, so after ep 2 im already like kinda interested in dinghao (but also still interested in linong and the other banana trainees, but he’s on my radar) and so ep 3 rolls around and this HISTORIC xinfan ep from Feb. 2nd comes with it: 

(in the original video, the banana part starts around 8:36) and from watching this and dyING of laughter at zhangjing being adorable and sassy and dinghao being HILARIOUS, i was like ok i like them, they’re my fav banana children!! (even tho neither of them are taiwanese and i only became interested in banana in the first place bc they had taiwanese people LOOL) and you may be wondering, what about yanjun?? he was really funny in that video too?? but actually yanjun didn’t stand out to me until around “ai ni” bc he was in the same group as dinghao maybe bc i just didnt get his humor as much??? HAHAHHAHA like zhangjing and dinghao were like SO FUNNY to me but yanjun i was likeee okayyy (i love him and his humor so much now, but idk i just didnt get it back then?? LOL oops sorry yanjun) but yea, it wasn’t until “ai ni” that i started noticing him and then gradually it snowballed into i was MADLY VOTING FOR YANJUN by the the final ep and SUPER EMOTIONAL when he made it into the final 9, like my body was shakinggg, i was so happy !!! (i was MUCH happier with the result than i was with p101s2!) 

but anyway, back to the point, I think around this time was when i found out about the “rock the show” mv (it was actually released beforehand, on 1/29 and the dance version 2/6??), and I think i freaked out to violet (@zhu-xingjie) like !!!! wtf is this ?!?? its so good omgomg (something along those lines, at least ;;;) and then after watching the mv i was like ok im def gonna be a banana stan wow they make good music, so talent, super funny members, much visual wow

(tumblr only lets me embed youtube videos, but you can find the official video in HD!! here and the dance version here. id highly recommend watching both if you havent already!!!!!!! the dance version has more closeups???? and i felt even more attacked than i thought was possible after watching the official video???)

and so basically from there, I became a banana stan, focusing on lu dinghao and you zhangjing. and ofc i love zhangjing to bits and he’s so warm-hearted and adorable, but I think I’ll always feel the most connected to dinghao, which is why he became my bias.

some other moments that led me to love him:

his mini chinese lesson because i also struggle with “zhei” but also since then, ive discussed with nini on multiple occasions how weird dinghao’s chinese is?? hahahahahha its like hard to understand sometimes??

4/9 banana boys discussing getting rid of fans at the airport !!!! this is actually one of my favorite videos because LU DINGHAO IS HILARIOUS!!! SO EXTRA WOW

the entire banter with yanjun during the “ai ni” era bc he finally got more screen time!! and also he showed how good of a friend he was to keep voting for yanjun until he just really couldnt anymore

nursery coloring class with chaoze bc dinghao is ridiculous?? 

during the hot pot ep, just watch for any clips of dinghao and he’s probs doing something ridiculous

the banana family scene from the “boom boom boom” era where dinghao shows his insecurity, bc it was a moment where i felt i could really connect to him, as a flawed and normal human who isn’t happy all the time

fun fact: I think this banana boys post was one of the first i ever translated, probs bc beibei was leaving and im soft for that boy too and bonus you can see in my tags that im already dinghao trash at that point bc i freaking had 芝麻糊 for the first time (and bought it with my own money!!) bc of freaking Lu Dinghao !!! (about two weeks later, i bought a whole pack of it at the grocery store....) 

but anyway, so “that’s how the story goes” (gotta include a zzt reference heheh) of how dinghao became my bias... i tried to keep it as relevant to dinghao as i could? lol and i also could be remembering things wrong LOL but basically post-ip, all that’s changed is that i’ve realized dinghao is even weirder than i first realized HAHAH BUT I STILL LOVE HIM. 

some additional fun moments: 

this interview where he describes roasts all the other banana trainees

watch “sawadika banana” if you havent already and you’ll get some GOLD dinghao moments like this crazy mess and other hilarious shenanigans

idk if its been subbed yet, but this bazaar interview is one of my fav dinghao / yanjun / zhangjing videos bc theyre so funny!!! i was literally laughing the whole time, its so fun to watch c: 

im not gonna tag anyone else to do this, because it does take quite a while (3 hrs for me LOL) but its fun if you have the time to reflect back and if anyone wants to do it, id love to read your story as well!! 

[smellycinnamonthundahfudge]

tumblr fweinds

a year ago, i was tagged by @suplosers on two questionnaires and it is only now, a year later that i was able to answer em. i’m so sorry it took me this long but yah i’m just glad to get thru dis milestone, answering the first tumblr get to know ya post i was @ at... yaayyy ^^

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people.

I tag: tbd haha i still have to dig thru meh notifs to see which ones apparently took an interest in me so i’d like to take an interest in as well haha but oh @you-guys--are-losers, ur doing this whahaha hope it’s not too much of a bother, no presh watsoever ;3

the last

1. drink: ughh it's dis shitty stuff called hydrite w/c is basically salt water cus im sick rn and it's supposed to rehydrate ur shts or something hahaha

but dat was like a week ago... as of da moment i posted dis, it’s coffee from mini stop dat i drank at like 530 in da morn while i waited until i could enter the school cus i had to commute 3 hours w/ lil to none sleep

2. phone call: my father or one of my best friends

3. text message: the last one i texted was my sister and the last one i got a text from was dis org in school about the location for recruitment/auditions/interview

4. song you listened to: billy jean by michael jackson and i listened to it for meh tomdaya fic hahaha. But i also listened to halo by beyonce, untouchable and dress by taylor swift, and some other songs magmt mentions in her tomdaya fic hehe a week ago

rn, a metal cover of toxic by our last night

5. time you cried: haha i don't actually remember the context of it (i could find out tho haha cus i sent da pic to my best friend) but i took a pic of it while i did it which was on... july 16 hahaha. Oh but w8 oh sht i think i cried after that fudge w8 i don't remember the date (i think i can find this out too hahaha) but i wrote a sortof goodbye confessions letter to one of my dear friends and i wrote there that i externally cried (b4 i just said internally haha) so i'm not entirely sure i cried but i think im pretty sure i teared up hehe

6. dated someone twice: hahaha i haven't even had a legit love interest yet 😆😂 buuutt my best friend and i have "dated" as in spent entire days together w/ just the two of us, we even went to mcdonalds for valentine's day and got each other gifts hihihi aahhh gosh i miss her :'(

7. kissed someone and regretted it: haha im not even sure if dis happened and i have no plans on asking her about it but i remember when i was a kiddo, when my sis came home for some reason i kissed her on the lips hahaha dont remember if accidental or i just brain farted heck i aint even sure if it happened but das all i can answer cus well like i said, see #6 😆😂😆😂

8. been cheated on: hhmmm probs not, i have no idea if ive been cheated on in an unromantic way hahaha but in da romantic way, like i said, no love interest hahaha

Oh w8 does being someone's crush (i aint sure but it seemed like it) and crushing on dat dude but dat dude crushing on someone else too count as cheating? 😆😂😆😂

9. lost someone special: yes, all of my grandparents are dead. I've also lost pets, and i fear i may lose some of my friends due to the distance among us in this time of our lives

10. been depressed: i always wanna be careful over how to define depression. Like wat constitutes it... but yes, i think i have. Not sure, mind you, but yes, at the beginning of gr 7 i was really alone, i think i was bullied and i think i was depressed and going thru a really dark phase of my life back then. But then again, i have to say, i'm not sure.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: hahaha nope. I'm looking forward to getting drunk tho. Im currently underage so im not allowed to drink dat much yet but yeah i wanna know my limits hehehe i hope im da kinda gurl who can handle her liquor but i have drank and i have to say it made me all loopy and weird and just like woke or high or something hahaha so yeah man im excited to get trashed on my 18th bday hahaha (hopefully i get to do this tho huhuhu)

3 favourite colours

12. Pink

13. Blue

14. Gray

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: yyeeesssss and i'm so glad i have hihi. I have made friends w/ a select group of my blockmates and they're awesome and weird, i hope to strengthen our bond in da future hehe. Ooohhh and i sure hope that you guys are losers is my friend cus she's been rlly great :')

16. fallen out of love: i guess the closest i've come to falling out of love in a romantic way is moving on from da heavy crushin on meh crush. But i dunno, i still think he's a unicorn n pretty special to me so i dunno hahaha.

But bro, i do think i have fallen out of love. With tv shows, with characters. Like i used to be so passionate about a few shows and characters but now all i have towards them is regret heck i cant even remember wat dey are but i know dat der was love lost. I know it.

17. laughed until you cried: hahaha yaasss i think so. It's either when i was with my best dearest friends or during the class of dis really cool and funny as heck joker teacher who makes us laugh in EVERY SINGLE CLASS hahaha ahhh das guy's so cool

18. found out someone was talking about you: oohh yah yah i think so. Either from my best friends or from a few of my old classmates i care about and had gotten close with. Da best friend ones was about something in my past/history (g7) and the classmates one i think was just dem talking about me and they told me about it ooohhh i think it was my crush hahahaha. They told me dat my crush actually admired me a lot hehe. There was one time my friend (the one who told me about dis) was putting make up on me for a school film, and my crush was da cam guy and he told my friend i looked pretty. Sooo im pretty lucky dat- oh sht w8 i dunno if it's dis year but oh w8 no, it was on my bday last year (dec 20) and da same friend said she was sorry cus apparently da bois make fun of me or something and she was sorry cus she laughed along too hahaha but i didnt mind cus i know im weird and i dont even know what dey say about me in da first place hahahaha. Ok das it im done, i think ive overshared now hahaha 😆😂😆😂

19. met someone who changed you: my best friends. Ive thought about it based on wat sup losers said about change for da better and i dont rlly think of change as something dat happens quick, i think it happens over time and u dont even notice it. So ok oh sht i think im wrong cus i met my best friends 4/6 years ago hahaha but for reals tho, i was in a dark place and if it werent for dem i think id still be lost lonely and sad. Uuhhmmm in regards to answering the question correctly, i guess my blockmates count since they inspire/challenge me to be better. OH SHT W8 i def think you guys are losers and dead end street and tomdaya receipts and tout de suite have changed me hehehe. Da first 2 in dat dey inspired me to write more hehe. Da 1st one inspired me to do this so i think this counts as change hehe. And da last 2 changed me in dat bcus i met dem, i became OBSESSED w/ tomdaya hahaha.

20. found out who your friends are: yes, i have actually. And it's all because i am now currently a college freshman as well as my friends.

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: hahaha my fam i guess hahaha. But no one in a romantic context.

general

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: hhmmm i guess id say about 200 since i know 4 sections of around 40 ppl and da rest is like fam and ppl ive met once/twice or have passed by haha

23. do you have any pets: yaaaassss 3 doggos: albie, juju, and biggie girl. Juju has a pupper named tchalla called dat cus he black hehehe and biggie has 2 biglets named mermer (meredith) and crissy (cristina) cus they're sisters 😍😊😊

My fam have also had a buncha dogs n puppers before but they were either given away or passed away. My bro also has dis cat named bob and i think he counts as a semi pet since my bro's home is a fam home.

24. do you want to change your name: uuhhh i wish i had an alliterative name like superheroes. Buutt im pretty happy w/ my name :')

25. what did you do for your last birthday: oohhhh i think i was at my section's christmas party it was pretty nice n emotional and i spent da rest of da day w/ 2 of meh best friends who bought me cake n food when my own fam didn't 😆😂😆😂

26. what time did you wake up: 4 am to shit cus im sick, but fell asleep again and officially got up around 730 or 8ish

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: haha tryna stay awake cus i had to drink meh meds and failed oh so much and i think i was asleep by midnight hahaha

28. name something you can’t wait for: tomdaya content, chatting/being w/ my best friends, watching da stuff i wanna watch, tumblring, reading sht i wanna read, vacation, writing fanfics, learning how to do a buncha stuff (write screenplays, make films n gifs, draw better), my bday when i hopefully get to do wat i want haha, avengers 4 and smffh, and captain marvel and antman and the wasp too i guess haha oh and the incredibles 2 and httyd 3 😍😍😍 oohhh and crazy rich asians

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: on monday which was when i was at home and not at my dad's n sis' n i's apartment in manila for school/work

31. what are you listening to right now: commercials on da tv as i answer this long ass questionnaire hahaha

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: hahaha i had to think about dis one but yah i have actually haha he was my gr 8 class mate n i like to think semi friend back den at least haha. Oh w8 but he doesn't go by tom tho, it's just thomas haha

33. something that is getting on your nerves: myself hahaha my shitty lazy ass procrastinating self hahaha 😅🙍

34. most visited website: fb specifically messenger, youtube, and tumblr

35. hair colour: hmmm black w/ a bit of brown i guess (ASIAN, YO! 😆😂😆😂)

36. long or short hair: neither, medium i guess haha. I like how long hair looks but it's such a bother n hassle haha. So i def would prefer short hair on a practical standpoint hahaha (im actually thinking of shaving the hair above my nape, yknow on da back of my head hehe)

37. do you have a crush on someone: well i dont have dat much of a crush on da crush i mentioned before, like i said haha. I have a crush on tomdaya, does dat count? 😆😂

38. what do you like about yourself: hahahaha nothing 😆😂😆😂🙍

Naahh uhhh i guess i like how much i love tv shows, i love meh fangirl self, and i like how diff n unique n weird i am, how i stand out, n dat i think my dreams are noble n worth tryin out. N i like how supportive n nice i am n im just chill on da outside haha. N sometimes i like meh face hehe. And i think dat im hilarious n weird n ppl should appreciate me more hahaha das y i crave for more validation dan consulting researchers hahaha (no one laughs at dat jokes and it's like im da only one who finds it funny and come on, man, i managed to make a research joke. Cant ya give a girl a break?)

n i guess sometimes it's good how much i care but sometimes i wish my feels could just chill for just like a minute pls

Thanks, man. I usually just focus on meh bad qualities so thanks for dis question, man :')

oh and i like dat i can swim hehe

39. piercings: i have holes on my ears for earrings but i don't really wear dem

40. blood type: a, i think?

41. nickname: sam, sab, and i rlly want to be called smells cus it's like a more me version of mels from melody hahaha

42. relationship status: single, yo. Oh w8 but i am married to my bed and fandoms so dey always come first. Plus i love my friends 😍😊

43. zodiac: sagittarius i think but i dont rlly know/care about zodiac sht. Tho it's nice if it does match up hehe

44. pronouns: uhhh i dont know wat to put here but i assume dis refers to wat i wish to be referred by ssoooo she, her, and a genderless pronoun in my language siya

45. favourite tv show: ughh i cant choose. Friends, grey's anatomy, phineas and ferb, avatar: the last airbender, black mirror, doctor who, and all of michael schur's stuff, and modern family, grimm, person of interest, pushing daisies, scrubs, happy endings, forever, how i met your mother, gravity falls, sherlock, and yknow wat? Yah, supernatural too and the httyd shows and suits :') oooohhh w8 and how to get away w/ murder and i guess big bang theory as well 😃 the end of the fucking world, legends of tomorrow, crazy ex-girlfriend, the good place, timeless but it’s kinda depressing so speaking of w/c game of thrones and west world and a series of unfortunate events and stranger things and scorpion and lost in space and for anime, let’s go with yakitate japan and boku no hero academia

46. tattoos: none, but i rlly want one and even have a list of tattoos i want (pretty minimalist), i just have to think of da perf place tho (both where to put it and where to get it) and find out if i can still donate meh bod if i have tattoos, but one of da ones i rlly want is smileys on meh fingers hehe

47. right or left handed: right, but my ma says im kinda ambidextrous n i kinda wish i could develop it hehe

48. surgery: haha nope, never. But in terms of an interest, i love grey's anatomy 😆😂

50. sport: ooohh my main sport is swimming cus my siblings are all swimmers so i am too. But i have played other sports for school like badminton, table tennis, volleyball, some water game i dont remember haha, and a combat sport in my country called arnis

51. vacation: christmas vacay and i cant wait huhu

52. pair of trainers: uhhh are trainers rubber shoes? I have a couple, i guess.

GENERAL

53. eating: my dad (who cooked our meal), sis, and i ate afritada (chicken dat's tomatoey basically) for dinner

54. drinking: just water, but ugh i have to drink da hydrite sht again 😑😒

55. I’m about to: finish dis questionnaire n fall asleep haha

56. waiting for: sleep n happiness

57. want: to sleep n write n tumblr n watch n read n for all my problems to disappear

58. get married: yeahhh... but i think it's highly unlikely, man. So i aint counting on it but i do want it to happen, it seems nice having someone to spend da rest of your life with :')

59. career: hahaha i'm still just a college student, just a newly minted freshman actually. But i like to consider myself a fulltime fangirl hahaha

WHICH IS BETTER

60. hugs or kisses: well, i havent rlly made out with anyone yet so im gonna have to say hugs i guess w/c ofc i love haha but i wish someone bigger than me could cuddle me for once in my life 😢

61. lips or eyes: lips cus they just seem so soft and sensual hehe. Plus i dunno man, eyes are kinda gross with muta (da sht in da corner of ur eyes when you wake up, it's a filipino word) and sht. And ya have to wear glasses/contacts if dey weak so it's just such a hassle. Tho i do recognize their importance n stuff 😊

62. shorter or taller: ugh TALLER. im a pretty tall gal so for once id like to be da lil spoon for once, for someone to be able to carry me and ya know all dat jazz. But i wouldnt give up my height for anything, makes me feel confident and better than everyone else mwuehehehehehehe

63. older or younger: uuuhhh for now i think it's a bit weird to date someone younger dan me, but for me personally, wat age i'd like to be, YOUNGER ALL DA WAY. it was just way less stressful and innocent back den, id give anything to go back 🙍

64. nice arms or nice stomach: haha nice arms if it means i can swing around them and they can carry me whahaha. But i do like em abs, i wanna feel wat abs feel like just once in my life hahaha

65. hookup or relationship: ooohhh i guess i fancy myself having a relationship for now hehe. Havent even had one yet haha.

66. troublemaker or hesitant: i am a hesitant troublemaker whahahahaha. Like i have all these ideas of thangs to do n sometimes i do dem but sometimes da situation n context scares me into not doing it like a wuss hahaha

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. kissed a stranger: haha nope.

68. drank hard liquor: haha nope but am looking forward to it hehe

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: thankfully i havent needed any yet whew

70. turned someone down: uhhh i guess the closest i came to "turning someone down" was being awkward around my crush haha but to be fair i think he was awkward too hahaha. And in an unromantic sense, i turned down a blockmate who offered to be my partner in an assignment becus i already had a partner hahahaha 😅

71. sex on the first date: haha havent experienced it if das wat ur askin. Maybe imma be dat kinda person after ive had a couple of relationships but for now i'll settle for someone actually being interested in me hahaha

73. had your heart broken: yes, by tv shows, and by da crappiness of life in general 🙇

74. been arrested: hahahaha nope but dat would be CRAZY hahaha

75. cried when someone died: yes, whether in real life or in tv shows, i have cried bcus of death 😢

76. fallen for a friend: look, man, my best friend's probably the most important person in my life who i couldnt bear to lose. I love her more dan anything in da world so i dunno if our friendship is something more dan da "typical" best friends i just know dat i love her n dat i dont wanna lose her n dat our bond's nothing like any other relationship ive ever had

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. yourself: hahahaha not rlly 😅 im pretty unreliable tbh and i make tons of mistakes and ill never be enough ever and just in general hate myself and have 0 self esteem hahaha 😅😅😅😓

But there's a chance i could improve tho, a very very VERY small tiny chance... but i guess i'll take wat i can get :/

78. miracles: hhmmm not in da way most ppl think about miracles in dat, it's da impossible event. I like to think it's a miracle that i have the family dat i have, da friends dat i have, and da life dat i have cus honestly i think i'd be dead w/o em. It's a fucking miracle i have things im passionate about and things that i love and im surrounded by ppl who i love and who love me as well. So yeah, i guess i believe in those kinds of miracles :')

79. love at first sight: hahaha not rlly. Look, man, im a fat girl who doesnt rlly care dat much about looks so unless a person manages to fall for someone while dat someone was doing something dat was a huge indicator of their personality and thus it's not only da appearance dat da person "fell in love w/", den i rlly dont believe in love at first sight. It's just infatuation, bruh. Love at first sight is cheap and u dont rlly know any thing about dat person other than the fact that they're pretty (why they caught ur eye in da 1st place imo) and nothin, zilch. Unless, like i said, they were doing something important to dem n indicative of deir personality. But even then, it wouldnt be love. Like i said, it'd be infatuation cus imo love is deep and takes time and cant just HAPPEN just cus u looked at someone and thought he/she was pretty 😒. True love would mean knowing dat person to deir bone but wanting to know more about dem. So to conclude a ted talk from a bitter person w/ a non existent love life 😆😂😂😂, love at first sight doesnt exist, is cheap, and is discriminatory to "ugly" ppl.

80. santa claus: hahaha i know he probs doesnt exist and is u know basically just capitalism n marketing hahaha. But i dunno, man, i kinda wanna believe he exists just cus it's more fun n childlike n innocent 😍

81. kiss on the first date: hahaha yeah i guess so but i think i probs would have had to known dat person for a while before we decided to date. I havent had a first kiss yet sooo i aint just willin to give dat out to someone i just met/knew for like a day or something hahaha (i have no idea how dating works) 😆😂😆😂😆😂

82. angels: huh... i like to think guardian angels exist cus dat means there are like angels of pure light sent down from heaven to protect us from any harm w/c is just nice to think about, yknow? Hehe. But angels in da catholic sense... i dont think i do, bruh. Sorry :/ *shrugs*

OTHER:

84. eye colour: uuhhhh brown, i guess? Like i said, i dont rlly care much for eyes hahaha 😅 ooohh but da purple eyes thang ive seen on da internet sounds cool hahaha

85. favourite movie: aaaahhhhh there's just so many good movies thoo

But agghh fine. Ive come to notice dat my genre's pretty lighthearted w/c is nice actually hehe

Spider-Man: Homecoming, Rogue One, 10 Things I Hate About You, Moana, Coco, Mulan, Avengers: Infinity War, White Chicks cus it's just so goddamn funny and iconic 😆😂😆😂😍, i'm not- ok you know wat, da Pixar movies in general ok? I mean, how can ya not? Oh which reminds me, Tangled, and The Princess and The Frog, oohh The Avengers is also a pretty solid movie, ooohhh Love, Simon, godhs dat was just such a wholesome sweet n nice movie :'), oh and den i freaking love the Scream franchise, man. It's so good :'), oooohhh w8 maybe The Dark Knight cus heath ledger was just da fuking bomb in dat movie, oohh and About Time's da sweetest time travel movie :') w/c reminds me dat the Back to the Future franchise was just such a classic, man :') oh and yknow wat? Unbreakable's actually pretty fucking cool, man. I get shyamalan know haha. Oh and yknow wat? 100 Tula Para Kay Stella is da 1st filipino film i actually liked so it has a special place in meh heart :')

ooohhh and Black Panther, man, gods how can one not bring up Da King™? WAKANDA FOREVER :') 😄

Oh and hey yknow wat? I have a sweet spot for the Sorcerer's Apprentice. It's kinda a guilty pleasure of mine hehe 😅

Whiicchh reminds me... the HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON FRANCHISE HAS GOT MY HART WHIPPED 😭😭😭

Oh and i also rlly like when harry met sally hihi :') and i guess the OG Star Wars trilogy's got a special place in my heart even if it is da way dat it is now 😢 :')

oh and i can't forget meh guardians :') Guardians of The Galaxy is such a solid film, bro. I loved it :') ooohhh and yknow wat? I actually rlly like Ready Player One, Baby Driver, and The Mummy (the brendan frasier one, who ya kiddin 😑)

oh and yknow wat? The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates, and Music & Lyrics has got a special place in my heart, man. Gotta admit it :')

aawww and amelie, and begin again, and flipped and hercules, and room, and spotlight, and shape of water, and ladybird, and the princess bride, and the iron giant, and the lobster, and we're the millers, and what if and man up and shrek and kimi no na wa and a quiet place and inception and the lion king and to all the boys I’ve loved before and oooh tim burton movies are pretty cool, the animated ones, and I did spend a good amount of time obsessed w/ dis one so I guess cap civil war, and then big hero 6 and wreck it ralph, and the martian and inside out, and gone girl, and the lion king and forrest gump and spider-man 1 and 2, and les miserables and the devil wears prada and the book of life and the intern and the princess diaries and miss congeniality and aladdin and confessions of a shopaholic

And ok, ok, i think im done. Hahaha das it das my list of meh all time fav movies and i feel like rewatching all of em now hahaha 😍

[captainjellyroll]

my first time at an ER.

i... wasnt exactly planning on posting this anywhere besides a quick story on my snapchat & instagram, since i wanted it to be deleted in 24 hours. it isnt anything too major to worry about, but after thinking it over for a while; i finally kinda know what i wanted to say.

im posting about this not to worry anyone, or get pity. i genuinely feel like this might help someone who might need it.

[[ tw; heavy suicide mentions, mental illness talk, hospital stuff. ]]

all of it is under the cut, including one picture i took of my hospital wristbands so y’all dont think im lying or smth. its a long storytime, but it has a moral, and i think its useful to those struggling with intrusive or suicidal thoughts. thank you!

let’s start with my mental illness.

i was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and ADHD almost 2 years ago. i was on medication, going to therapy, and feeling a lot better once i got help. everything was getting better, and i was happier.

until last year, when i moved.

my medical care was back in California, and they couldnt follow me to Minnesota. so, i was without medical help for almost a year. this past year has been a struggle on me mentally, and i relied on certain “drug dealers” to provide me with any leftover anti-depressants i could get my hands on. but, soon i ran out of resources and there was no where i could turn.

it took me months to get motivated and even attempt to get MN state insurance for medical care. yesterday i had my very first appointment in Minnesota to go get meds.

it is very very very bad to be off your meds for even a day, but i was off my meds for a year.

as soon as i finally sat down to talk to someone about getting me back on medication, i was very open about my mental health. i told the doctor about how recently ive been feeling unmotivated, low on energy, and...

how ive been suicidal.

she gave me this very shocked look; possibly because of the way i dress very upbeat and how i am in person. but, she listened and asked me more about my recent suicidal tendencies.

i told her how this was all very recent, and that it was usually very spur of the moment. i could be overwhelmed, glance at a bottle of pills, and a voice in my head would say “you know, you could take all of those right now and it would be painless.” or i could just be walking my dog, and an intrusive memory would attack me, then a voice in my head would tell me "just be a little more careless with crossing the road this time”.

she asked me “how often does this happen?” and i answered “almost daily.”

she nodded and frowned at me, then proceeded to go get another doctor. it took a while, but when i was left alone my eyes started to water but i told myself not to cry. she finally came back and told me if i wanted to go to the ER.

i was very confused, and i asked why i would need to go. and she simply explained that she didnt want to send me home with new medication, and make a bad decision when im alone with those pills.

and then i started to cry.

deep down, i knew i wouldnt actually follow through, because i knew i was finally getting help. but, in the moment, i was very doubtful of my capabilities and own strength. i was very concerned about myself, and i kept on telling her “i dont know” and how ive never been to and ER before. when im in pain, im too scared to even call an ambulance because putting a dramatic situation on someone as little as me seemed silly to me. but, the doctor was very convincing. she even said i might have to stay overnight, which scared the heck outta me.

she recommended i go via ambulance, but Katie ended up taking me instead. they were very strict that Katie take me straight to the hospital-- no detours.

i was shaking the entire ride there, but we finally arrived and we checked in. they did not hesitate to tag me with wristbands. i had to tell several officials that i was there because the previous doctor i saw told me to come to the ER due to “suicidal tendencies”.

every new person i saw asked me the same exact questions and sent me from one scary room to the next. i got my blood pressure checked no less than 3 times, and i signed a couple things along the way. until i ended up in a room with a bed, a couple chairs, a TV, and scrubs to change into.

i somehow ended up in a hospital patient room.

i changed into the hospital scrubs, and they took away my belongings to sanitarily seal them, and then locked them up in a safe along with my cell-phone.

i was quarantined as an actual patient.

katie eventually came to join me, having her belongings taken away from her as well, and she was tagged with a bright orange “visitor” badge.

i was very shaken and scared, and i didnt know i was going to get to this point. katie was confused, but very supportive and comforted me the entire time.

we saw several nurses and staff members, who interviewed us and checked up on me. there was a very long wait until we finally saw the social worker that my doctor told me to talk to, but in the meantime i just talked with katie to clear my head and feel a little better. (i was resting my head on her lap, but then a security guard came in and told us we were not allowed to do that, which sucked.)

at this point, after waiting for so long and going through this entire process to talk to someone of importance-- i felt much calmer and i was all out of tears. i was more clear-headed, and after talking with katie and experiencing what the ER was like, i realized...

i dont need to be here.

the social worker finally arrived, and we talked about why i was there. it didnt take that much effort to explain the situation and get things straightened out. she was very understanding, and she called the doctor that sent me here and she got me on new medication!

from checking into the first clinic, to being checked into a hospital 5 hours later- i finally got my anti-depressants. it wasnt that necessary to get me into hospital scrubs and quarantine me, but... here’s where the lesson comes in.

i know now what i should do if i get too suicidal.

i didnt know what would happen if i went to the ER, i didnt know what even happens at the ER. i didnt know you could check yourself in, or that mental health stuff such as suicidal tendencies would be allowed at the ER.

once you walk in, and tell the front desk that you are having suicidal tendencies-

they will not hesitate to tag you and send you somewhere safe. as soon as i said “suicidal” they printed off a name-tag and the lady smiled and said “i’m glad you didnt do it and decided to get help.” and immediately sent me off into the maze that is the ER.

i dont know if the experience is different based off your insurance, but i applied for the Minnesota state insurance for low-income people through MNsure, and everything mental health related was free. i didnt pay for visits, i didnt pay copay, i didnt pay for meds- the only thing that was paid was parking for katie’s car at the hospital.

but yea, it was a crazy, wild ride, and at the end of the day im glad i got to experience it. some people might say it was a waste of time, or a misunderstanding, or unnecessary-

but im glad it happened, because i know what to expect if i do ever feel suicidal.

and, i hope someone who is reading this knows what to expect too. i know its easier said than done, but honestly-- there is more help out there than you think.

if you are ever feeling suicidal, go to the nearest ER. they want to help you, and they will get you somewhere safe. they’ll work out the details later, but if you need help ASAP, they will provide it for you, no matter what. at least, thats what i think happens. i hope thats true...

anyways, thank you for reading this incredibly long and personal story, and i hope you learned something like i did.

i am on new anti-depressants now, and dont worry- i wont overdose on them.

thank you everyone who gave me kind wishes, and im sorry for the scare. i wasnt trying to worry anybody.

i’ll keep on fighting. 💕💕💕

[weekendwarriorblog]

WHAT TO WATCH THIS WEEKEND February 22, 2019  - HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON, FIGHTING WITH MY FAMILY

February comes to an end with the Oscars on Sunday and another family sequel hoping to escape the fate of the disappointing The LEGO Movie 2, plus Fighting with My Family becomes the widest WWE Films release since John Cena’s The Marine back in 2006.

Just a reminder that you can read my box office analysis and predictions over at The Beat, as well as my thoughts on Black Panther’s chances at winning a few Oscars this Sunday.

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON: THE HIDDEN WORLD (DreamWorks Animation/Universal)

Written and directed by Dean DeBlois (How To Train Your Dragon,How to Train Your Dragon 2) Voice Cast: Jay Baruchel, Gerard Butler, America Ferrara, F. Murray Abraham, Cate Blanchett, Craig Ferguson, Jonah Hill, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Kristen Wiig, Kit Harrington MPAA Rating: PG

A mere three weeks after the animated sequel The LEGO Movie 2disappointed at the box office, DreamWorks Animation returns with its first movie since 2017’s Captain Underpants, as well as the first movie under its new distribution deal with Universal. It’s also the first movie from DreamWorks Animation sans CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg who left after Comcast bought the company after building it up into quite a brand.

It’s pretty amazing that DreamWorks Animation has gone ahead with this threequel after it’s been delayed seemingly for years, but clearly, Universal/Comcast wanted to get its dragons in a row before bringing them back for an epic finale, especially with the company’s mixed success with their last few offerings. (DWA’s 2017 release The Boss Babyactually did quite well, just slightly less than How to Train Your Dragon 2’s domestic gross.)

The good thing going for the latest How to Train Your Dragonis that DreamWorks Animation has been keeping the franchise alive with a number of animated series that have streamed on Netflix, and kids definitely know these characters well. They’ve also been able to bring back almost all of the cast, including Cate Blanchett, Kit Harrington (from “Game of Thrones”) and introducing F. Murray Abraham as a new villain named Grimmel and a new lady “Light Fury” to match with Hiccup’s dragon pal Toothless. This generally should help revive the animated company who has made such an impact in the early ‘00s. So far, reviews have been far better than anyone expected, and Universal wisely gave the movie a Fandango-only screening a few weeks back where it grossed $2.5 million.

Mini-Review: I’ve seen both the previous How to Train Your Dragon movies, and I liked them just fine, but not enough to warrant a rewatch before the third movie is released five years after the previous one. Fortunately, it doesn’t take long to get up to speed at least in terms of figuring out who everyone is, though it does take some time before it gets into gear as far as storytelling.

Things have settled down at Berk, as Hiccup and his pals continue to save dragons from trappers and being them back to their safe haven, but new villain Grimmel (voiced by F. Murray Abraham) who wants to kill the last of the Night Furies aka Hiccup’s own dragon pal Toothless. In order to do so, he uses a white female “Light Fury” as a honey badger to capture the lovelorn dragon, as well as all the other dragons in Berk.

The problem is that there are way too many unfunny human characters and even more dragons that are hard to keep track of. The film begins by throwing so much at the viewer, but not in a good way, and it took a long time for me to be even vaguely interested in what was happening.  Surprisingly, Abraham makes for an equally bland villain, especially considering how great he’s been in such a role in movies like Amadeus, but the storytelling is obvious and even corny at times that it begins as a disappointing finale to the epic trilogy.

Granted, this is still an amazing technical achievement with all of the colorful environments and creatures, yet the dragons are generally more interesting than the humans, other than maybe Hiccup and his girlfriend Astrid. The dialogue-free moments between Toothless and his paramour tend to work far better than the attempt at getting laughs using the annoying humans.

Where the film really starts picking up steam is in the last act where the action starts to build to a peak, and we’re finally reminded what made the earlier films so special. In some ways, it’s hard to believe a movie that starts off so grueling and boring manages to deliver enough of a third-act payoff to win the viewer over, and it’s quite an amazing recovery to end the series on a high note.

Rating: 6.5/10

FIGHTING WITH MY FAMILY (MGM)

Written and Directed by Stephen Merchant (co-creator of “The Office” and “Hey, Ladies!”) Cast: Florence Pugh, Jack Lowden, Nick Frost, Lena Headey, Vince Vaughn, Dwayne Johnson MPAA Rating: PG-13

I’ve already written quite a bit about this comedic biopic already between my reviewand my interview with WWE superstar Paige, so I’m not sure how much more I have to say about this film which tells the story of how Paige came to the WWE. Produced by Dwayne Johnson, who also makes a couple appearances in the movie, this is a wonderful film that will definitely appeal to WWE fans, especially those who have been following the Women’s Revolution, but I think it will appeal to others as a fun inspirational story about an outsider making good. The movie opened in New York and L.A. this past weekend, but it will expand nationwide on Friday, and I hope that audience will give it a look, especially with so few strong movies in theaters right now and the box office being so dismal.

LIMITED RELEASES

One of the standouts this weekend is Suzannah Herbert’s doc WRESTLE (Oscilloscope), co-directed by Lauren Belfer, which just won two Hoka Award at the Oxford Film Festival last week, and that’s after winning awards at a number of other festivals. It follows five varsity wrestlers at a small-town Alabama high school who are competing to help take their school to the State Championships, but there’s a lot more at stake than a trophy. Each of the wrestlers has had domestic issues that has made going to college a struggle, and placing in the Championships would give them a chance for scholarships that would make a huge difference in their lives. The movie will open at the Village East Cinemas in New York on Friday with Herbert and Belfer in attendance to discuss this inspirational film. It will then open in L.A. on March 1.

I don’t know much (or actually anything) about the faith-based film RUN THE RACE (Roadside Attractions), hitting select theaters this weekend, but apparently it’s exec. produced by NFL star Tim Tebow and directed by Chris Dowling (Priceless). It involves two brothers dealing with the death of their mother and abandonment by their father as All-State athlete Zach’s hopes of earning a college scholarship are sidelined by an injury. With that, his younger brother David steps up to help get him and his brother out of town to a better future. (Actually, this movie seems to have quite a bit in common with the doc Wrestle.)

Metrograph Pictures makes its debut with its initial release, the French doc The Competition (Le Concours) from filmmaker Claire Simon, marking her first film to get a U.S. theatrical release. It takes a look at the entrance process for the prestigious French film school La Fémis, where hundreds of ambitious filmmakers in all aspects of the craft seek to be taught how to perfect said craft. I have to be honest that as I watched the movie, I didn’t realize it was a doc, because it reminded me of 120 BPM (Beats Per Minute) or The Class, where there was just so much talking and most of it just seemed like pretentious showboating by students trying to impress the entrance panel. In fact, the educators and filmmakers’ reactions to the students is far more interesting, but this only had a few moments that captivated me in its 2-hour running time.  You can find out where else it will play after its Metrograph debut Friday on the Official Site.

Opening at the Cinema Village in New York Friday and in L.A. on March 1 is Barry Avrich’s doc Prosecuting Evil: The Extraordinary World of Ben Ferencz, which takes a look at the last surviving prosecutor of the Nuremberg Trial who continues to fight for the law and peace.

Opening in Texas Friday (and expanding to other markets over the coming weeks including even MORE Texas theaters on March 1) is Ty Roberts’ adaptation of Tom Pendleton’s 1966 novel The Iron Orchard (Santa Rita Film Co.), starring Lane Garrison as Jim McNeely, a young man thrown into the brutal world of the West Texas oilfields in 1939, shortly after the Great Depression.

Lastly, there’s Stuart McKenzie and Miranda Harcourt’s adaptation of Margaret Mahy’s novel The Changeover (Vertical), starring Erana James as 16-year-old Laura Chant who lives with her mother (the always wonderful Melanie Lynskey) and four-year-old brother Jacko in a poor suburb of Christchurch, New Zealand and ends up in a supernatural battle with a spirit draining the life out of Jacko. Also starring Tim Spall, it opens in select theaters and On Demand Friday.

LOCAL FESTIVALS

A couple festivals and film series worth nothing is the Film Society of Lincoln Center’s Neighboring Scenes: New Latin American Cinema, presented with Cinema Tropical, which will include Belmonte   from Uruguay, Carlos Reygadas’ Our Time, and many other films, none of which I’ve seen.

Also, the 22nd New York International Children’s Film Festivalbegins on Friday, running through March 17, opening with the East Coast Premiere of Chiwetel Ejiofor’s directorial debut The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind, which will also premiere on Netflix on March 1. The festival will be spread out across the city from the Alamo Drafthouse in Brooklyin to the IFC Center to the Cinepolis Chelsea, Quad Cinema, SVA Theater and even the Museum of the Moving Image in Astoria. You can find out more about the films and schedule on the Official Site.

STREAMING AND CABLE

Fresh from its Sundance premiere, Mark Duplass continues his relationship with Netflix, appearing with Ray Romano in Alex (Blue Jay) Lehmann’s PADDLETON, in which Duplass plays a man diagnosed with terminal cancer who asks his neighbor (Romano) to end his life before he dies from cancer.

This week’s foreign Netflix offering is Elizabeth Vogler’s French film Paris is Us, which involves a woman named Anna who misses her flight to Barcelona, which she misses, which starts her questioning reality and her relationships.

Because HBO is picking up so many great films out of festivals, I’m going to include them here whenever I can. Who knows? Maybe someone at HBO will see this and hook-up with a free HBO Now account. (And I’ll accept free Hulu, Amazon and Showtime accounts and any others while we’re at it, if those companies want to be included.)

One of my favorite films from last year’s Tribeca Film Festival was Madeleine Sackler’s O.G. starring Jeffrey Wright (who won an award for his acting) as former gangleader and lifelong inmate Louis, who is coming to the end of his 24-year sentence, when he takes the younger Beecher (Theothus Carter) under his wing, trying to keep him from him following the same downwards path he took. You can read more about my thoughts on the movie in my Tribeca Film Festival diary. O.G. will premiere on HBO this Saturday.

REPERTORY

METROGRAPH (NYC):

Produced by David O. Selznick concludes this week with screenings of The Third Man, Alfred Hitchcock’s Spellbound and one last screening of Rebecca, plus the Metrograph’s Valentine’s Day offerings continue, including Casablanca  (1942) and Heaven Can Wait (1943). Late Nites at Metrograph is the Anime Ghost in the Shell (1995) and the Playtime: Family Matinees  is Disney-Pixar’s Oscar-winning Inside Out (2015)

QUAD CINEMA  (NYC):

The Goldblum Variations concludes with screenings of The Life Aquatic of Steven Zissou (Thurs.), Invasion of the Body Snatchers (Fri.) and Earth Girls are Easy, but there’s also the week-long New York premiere of the 2k restoration of Joan (Hester Street) Silver’s 1977 movie Between the Lines  (Cohen Film Collection), also starring Goldblum, along with John Heard, Lindsay Crouse and more.

THE NEW BEVERLY  (L.A.):

Another busy weekend at Tarantino’s repertory theater with a number of Burt Reynolds double features, Hooper (1978)and Physical Evidence (1989) on Weds. and Thurs, plus his 1977 movies Smokey and the Bandit and Semi-Tough on Friday and Saturday. This weekend’s midnight movies are Tarantino’s Oscar-winning Pulp Fiction on Friday and the 1972 concert film Fillmore on Saturday.  The Kiddee Matinee of the weekend is Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis’ 3-Ring Circus (1954), and then Sunday and Monday, there’s a double feature of Sandra Dee’s Gidget  (1959) and Dick Clark’s Because they’re Young (1960). The Monday Matinee is Bill Duke’s 1992 thriller Deep Cover, starring Laurence Fishburne and Jeff Goldblum, and Tuesday night’s Grindhouse offering is Burt Reynolds’ 1987 movie Malone and his 1986 film Heat. (All that Burt Reynodls movies makes me want to live in L.A.!)

FILM FORUM (NYC):

The downtown rep theater presents the 5 ½-hour version of Bernardo Bertolluci’s 1976 drama 1900, which will be shown in two parts, and this weekend’s Film Forum Jr. is the 1953 sci-fi thriller The War of the Worlds in a new 4k restoration.

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA):

The Egyptian screens Death in Venice (1971) on Thursday, as part of the Luchino Visconti: Cinematic Nobility series.

AERO  (LA):

On Saturday night, the Aero is screening a triple feature of Don Coscarelli’s Phantasm (1979) – with Coscarelli and producer Paul Pepperman in attendance -- along with Three O’Clock High (1987) and 10 to Midnight  (1983), as part of its Cinematic Void 2019 series. Otherwise, the theater seems to be playing Jean-Luc Godard’s The Image Bookaround the clock.

IFC CENTER (NYC)

Waverly Midnights: The Feds continues with John Woo’s Face/Off (1997), starring John Travolta and Nicolas Cage, Weekend Classics: Early Godard will screen the classic Band of Outsiders  (1964) Friday through Sunday, while Late Night Favorites will once again show Ridley Scott’s Alien. (It really IS a Late Night Favorite!)

LANDMARK THEATRES NUART  (LA):

On Friday at Midnight, the Nuart will show Panos Cosmatos’ Mandy, starring Nicolas Cage.

FILM SOCIETY OF LINCOLN CENTER(NYC):

Sergey Bondarchuk’s epic 1968 film War and Peace continues to run (in four installments) through Thursday.

BAM CINEMATEK (NYC):

Starting Friday, BAM starts its ten-day Living with the Dead: The Films of George Romero, commemorating the life and career of one of the greatest horror filmmakers of all time, the late George Romero. It will be held together by a new 2K restoration of his 1968 film Night of the Living Dead, which will screen Friday night, Saturday afternoon and on Feb. 28. Other movies in the series include Dawn of the Dead  (1978), Day of the Dead  (1985), The Crazies  (1973), Monkey Shinesand some of Romero’s newer films. The series will also have special guests like Romero’s daughter Tina Romero and producer Richard Rubenstein over the course of the series.

MOMA (NYC):

Modern Matinees: Sir Sidney Poitier offers Norman Jewison’s In the Heat of the Night  (1967) on Weds, Blackboard Jungle  (1955) on Thurs and Stanley Kramer’s The Defiant Ones (1958) on Friday.

That’s it for this week… next week, Tyler Perry’s Madea is back in Tyler Perry’s A Madea Family Funeral, presumably the last Madea movie ever… be afraid and glad at the same time! Also, Neil Jordan returns with the psychological thriller Greta.

[infnthoya]

Hello my favorite Howon stan

stuff, not at all... hah. Why am i like this. Actually there is.. if you don't mind of course.. something has been bothering me lately. and it's about Infinite. And since I am not really.. familiar with.. other wonderful people in this fandom.. and also because you have always been so nice to me and you are overall an amazing person I thought that maybe I can use your kindness a little.. I am so sorry if I am making you uncomfortable right now, feel free to ignore this message.It's just.. their contract is expiring and I am afraid if I'll ever be able to see them on stage again. Like together...

MY SWEET POLISH ANON IS HEREEEE!!! okay i really dont know where to start but let me first say... I LOVE YOU!!! seriously i cant find words to describe how happy you make me every time you send me messages! 

you might ask “then why didnt you include all my messages above?”, the reason is, YOU ARE BEING SO UNFAIR TO YOURSELF!!! you are saying too many bad things about yourself and i didnt want other people to see those. I AM OFFICIALLY FORBIDDING YOU FROM PUTTING YOURSELF SO DOWN ALRIGHT???

ive been going thru a shitty time for more than half a year now. i mean i wish i could be positive and all (becuz right now i feel like im whining like a baby and seeking attention) but thats the truth with me. nothing is going well and actually everything keeps going worse and worse and im just waiting for things to stop sucking so much :D as for tumblr, i havent been checking my dash for over 3 months. but i do check my activity page often so i can also see if i have any messages. (tho there is almost nothing going on lol) i dont feel like giffing either and for that, id like to apologize everyone! im really sorry for disappointing you guys :( i wish i could keep on providing you stuff like you were expecting me to do but i really cant bring myself to do it. i hope things will get a little better soon and i get some joy inside me and start giffing again. 

as for your question my dear, few days ago i saw on twitter that all members -except one, visited woollim building. and there were news on websites that woollim said that its most likely that the members will renew their contracts. but like i said there is one member who is nowhere to be found and that member is *drumroll* LEE HOWON! lol yeah so there havent been any news about him (or at least i havent seen except a fan spotted him in front of a night club in hongdae a few days ago) and it makes me think that maybe they are waiting for him to go meet the ceo so they can release more detailed stuff about “ot7″. but let me tell you that you arent alone for being worried, there are quite a lot of fans who are waiting nervously. if you ask me, idk if its becuz kpop has mostly lost its importance in my life due to my current situation or not but i dont feel worried. if they stay together, ofc i’ll be happy and keep supporting them like i used to do but if they decide to disband, i wont feel bad either becuz they are pretty old right now so they might wanna go into whatever else career they would like and i’ll support them for that too. but since you, and many others, will feel sad in case of a disbanding, i hope they will stay together for many more years. and lastly, i only told you what i saw on twitter but i didnt do any other “research” about the issue so if there is any other person who has more info and would like to share it, please do share :)

i really wish i could give you a more definite and happy answer but thats all i know for now :( but i hope you wont feel sad about this whole thing. and you are always welcome to come to me and let anything off your chest. as for contacting each other, i am and will forever see you as an amazing person becuz even tho i did nothing to deserve it, one day you came to me out of the blue and said all those amazing things and made me the happiest person! and you have been doing it ever since and like i said, i didnt even do anything to deserve it! all i used to do here was to blog about kpop idols but you keep coming to me and lifting my mood up like a rocket and i really dont know how to thank you! so i dont want you to feel pressured about it, like i said i check my activity often so i’ll see your messages here as well but if you (and any of my followers) want to talk to an old, boring soul like me, my kakaotalk id is bigwideeyes (my twiter id is the same and my ig is bigwideyes you see im very creative!)

gah i really hope you can read this honey. well i always tag you as “Polish anon” so that you (and i) can track our convos^^; i wish you ALL THE BEST in the world! i hope whatever you are busy doing, is sth that you are enjoy doing. im sending you huge virtual hugs ~(^3^)~ always be healthy and happy

ah! i almost forgot! so idk if you knew about it but ot7 had gone to japan some time ago and they had interviews there (as always). one of the questions was “whats the place/country that suits your atmosphere the best?” and Howon said POLAND! lol he really loved it there, im a little jealous :P if you ever spot him there, please let me know okay? i count on you since you are my favorite anon hahaha

[norman-reedus-gossip]

bulk

– mod–
I’ll add to the comments as usual. Anon:
The DM ran photos of DK in the exact same outfit with the exact same shopping bags iSaturday – walking alone. Check it out. No way she wore the identical outfit and had the same bags yesterday. The story conveniently tags them as yesterday when it was known N was back in NYC. The “getaway” makes for a much better story than 2 friends hanging out like he’s done with several female friends in the past few weeks (Ira, Jarah, Liz) – and been photographed with them too. These pics were set up.

Anon:
what is everyone talking about with norman and what did this DK woman do? i’m late and curious because i really don’t want to find a way to dislike norman

Anon:
grooooooooossssssssssssss. well if the other rumours are true, she wants a baby w him.

Normansweetpie:
I honestly am surprised about Norman and Diane. And to the person that said Norman is a horrible person, you’re wrong. Norman liked Diane and I believe that Norman can do whatever he wants to do with his life. If Norman wants to date Diane, that’s fine.

Anon:
So he is w a disgusting famewhoere. completely changes the way i see him. bye bye norman, no longer your fan (and im a lesbian, so this isn’t butthurt shit here)

Anon: If this is true, I don’t want to go to WSC London now. I don’t feel like meeting him if he has been lying to us this whole time.

Anon: Norman has to address this. He’s getting so much hate. I hope he shuts it down. Please Norman say it’s not true.

Anon:
I can’t believe he lied to us. If this really is true, then everything he says is bullshit.

Anon: Mod, I am at a loss how this whole narrative in the NR fandom went from “DK is vile, they’re not friends ” to “DK is vile they’re definitely not dating cuz NR is sweet and great” to “They’re dating! They’re both vile!”…. Like, where is this coming from? Norman’s own fans would rather believe he’s some sort of vile scumbag than the alternative that maybe, just maybe 1) NR and DK are both decent people? And 2) none of us knows the private details of when/how they got together?

Anon: Mod in your opinion do you think he would have done that? He did things that made us believe he was single so do you think he was really lying to us the whole time? I want to cry if he was. I thought he was different. Do you think there’s a chance that he is just friends with her?

Anon: Just friends my ass. They’ve been together off and on for over a year. Time for fans to take off the delusional glasses and accept it. He’s a good ACTOR, isn’t he?

Anon: II thought that if this happened I would feel angry and sad and disappointed. But I feel relaxed and calm and I wish Norman finally have found the woman that will stay with him till the end. I feel really happy for him.

Anon: I hope that Norman realizes that Diane probably called the paparazzi and set that whole thing up so they would finally be outed as a couple. She is a real piece of work.

Anon: A few choice words like unwise, irresponsible, childish, selfish, asinine, and dishonest, as well as many more like them are all coming to mind right now.

Anon: I know it’s his life but I think he needs to say or do something for his fans now. Just like when he shut down the EK rumor. Btw, TMZ also reported that as official too, if I recall and that was never true either. Please say something about the truth of this, Norman

Anon: In the midst of this DK stuff, someone on Facebook who works at LaGuardia airport says she talked to Norman at work today. Do you know if he’s heading somewhere?

Anon: What had Diane done and why does everyone hate her?

Anon: I am an extremely disappointed… I was gonna say fan, but I can no longer even bring myself to write that much less say it. What an effing nightmare. Seriously, I’m not sure if Norman could make a more foolish decision.

Anon: I want to be clear this is not a DK hate (or even dislike) post. I have to say I find it a bit ironic of NR fans blaming the trash mags for NR not being able to “live his personal life”. If I’m not mistaken didn’t the pap pics originate in daily mail? Doesn’t DK and her people have a deal with them and they set up pics all the time? So I’m assuming DK or both of them are courting this attention, yes? I think we need PR wife again, lol.

Anon: Ok wait, it doesn’t have to mean they are together. She could have been hanging with him like he does with a lot of his female friends. And I stil think the pics are only one day. Not a “weekend getaway” I really hope he says something now, though. This back and forth is too much. I pray it’s friendship and nothing more because I don’t want to have to stop supporting him. Say something Norman.

Anon: 
I cannot think of a single nice thing to say about Norman right now and I’m not sure I will ever be able to again. Anon: Dont you think that this is kinda ridicilous , this whole dk / nr is going on since 2015 , if they were together , they would already admit that and dont forget joshua and diane broke up a long time ago , so nr and her had a long time chance to admit it 🙄(sorry my english is not very good ) 


Susa206: Everybody should calm down! In my opinion it´s obviously, that they are a couple. I think we don´t have the right to judge about his or her life! Nobody knows what really happened between DK and her former boyfriend….. I never liked her … but the most important thing, is that he is happy…. and we have to accept his choice…. ( sorry again for my bad english)

Anon: So are we to believe they have been so careful to not be seen out together in more than a year and now they are caught in his parking garage? Set up

Anon: she is just so unlikeable. ive read her interviews and seen her interviews. she is not likeable. this is bad new for his brand, but its his life. i know i won’t tune into anything he does if she is accompanying him or being mentioned. i know celebs are humans, but i also consider them brands that i choose to consume. ive no interest in using my money & attention to help her brand, and won’t consume anything she is attached to. sorry normski, not interested if you come w her as an add on

Anon: But hold on remember when he was photographed with Elsa Hosk? and they aren’t together. I know because of DK, it’s strange but I don’t think it proves it yet. Until Norman comes out and says it.

Anon: Mod , i would like to help you a bit. I also dont believe that they are together , in fact i do believe Diane might have a crush on Norman (who not) and im sure Norman knows that , but it seems he is enjoying his single life and told her that , and still wants to hang out as friends with her , because why not? Maybe they were out having dinner , maybe he or she made dinner at their homes! 😊( just what i think about the whole dk/n thing)

Anon: this norman stuff with TMZ, is utter bullshit. they are probably just friends and so what if they are dating, they should be happy that they are happy.

Anon: Mod , it seems you doubt about if they are friends or not ….

Anon: Mod, do you think they really are together or do you think the friends theory is possible? I just want to cry if it’s true. It’s not that he’s with someone but that it could be her! I hate her. She is nothing like him she is so full of herself and now he looks like a cheater and a liar. I didn’t think he was anything like that but now he looks like such a fake person. Not who he said he was to his fans. I’m so sad. What do you think Mod??

Anon: If them unloading a car together is the smoking gun on their relationship… damn! I am in a relationship with a bunch of cab drivers! Dammit… and here I am thinking I’m single! 


Rebellacycle: I’m sorry I’m laughing at a lot of this this man can’t be any where near a woman or his female fan loose their shit “ oh he’s with her no ” if he is dating her at least she is close to his age if she slept with him I’d hi- five her good for you Diane 😂🤣💪🏹 let him live his life I don’t know her we really as fans don’t know the both of them it’s his and her business if they are dating or not what ever and I would love to be at his next convention to see if these “ fans ” ask him about it

Anon: Sorry!! I meant good luck to HIM. I want the man to be happt but she is just YUCK. My bad. You always rule. I’m going to drink whiskey til I puke this weekend. Why do I care? I have no clue but am just disappointed.

Anon: Can someone post the pics of DK that are supposedly from Saturday, please. Also, are those pics on tmz from yesterday or Thursday. I’m confused!

Anon:
Sooooooo are they together or were they just carpooling to like Whole Foods and Best Buy or something?

Anon:
I’m done with NR. Cannot support this disgraceful behaviour whatsoever. More to the point how can he be okay with a supposed partner calling the paps on them? Entire thing is a mess. he is not who he pretends he was.

Anon:
NR and DK kept their relationship hidden this long because they knew people would never forget about how their relationship got started (cheating) and they knew if they went public they would be one of the most hated couples in Hollywood. I seriously want to throw up she is such a horrid human being. N has developed really shit taste in women.

Anon:
Here it goes. Seems like we finally got our proof and Norman and DK came out and made it public finally. They are together. You can’t tell me she’s just a friend cruising around with him and unloading his car. Not after all. I’m so disgusted, I almost vomited. I can’t believe Norman fell for this woman. I’m SO SO disappointed and disgusted! 😞

Anon:
Those two horrible people deserve each other. And they deserve every ounce of hate that they get as long as they are together.

Anon:
Isn’t there a simple way to clear it up? One or both of their reps will confirm or deny the rumors, right? NR had to do that with the EK thing. Plus I think isn’t DK going to LA for Oscar weekend stuff? If she gives any interviews I’m sure they’d ask about this, right?

[relationshipadviser-blog]

'It's a silent conversation': authors and translators on their unique relationship

New Post has been published on https://relationshipqia.com/must-see/its-a-silent-conversation-authors-and-translators-on-their-unique-relationship/

'It's a silent conversation': authors and translators on their unique relationship

From Man Booker International winner Olga Tokarczuk to partners Ma Jian and Flora Drew leading authors and translators discuss the highs and lows of cross-cultural collaboration

On the night of last years Man Booker International prize ceremony, two winners swept up to the podium novelist Olga Tokarczuk and her translator Jennifer Croft but a third was back at their table cheering louder than anyone. I was thrilled to bits, I still am, says Antonia Lloyd-Jones. What makes this unusual is that Lloyd-Jones is the Polish authors other translator, who has been working with her far longer, but wasnt responsible for the winning novel, Flights. With a shared purse of 50,000 at stake, was there not even the tiniest bit of envy? Were a team of course its Olga and Jennifers win, not mine, but its great for all of us who have spent years trying to popularise her books outside Poland, and its great for Polish literature in translation, says Lloyd-Jones. This was a major breakthrough after almost 30 years of work. And it has done sales of my own translations a lot of good. Nifty scheduling by the indie publisher Fitzcarraldo has meant that these include Tokarczuks Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead, a quirky eco-thriller very different from Flights, which has won Tokarczuk her second Man Booker International prize longlisting. This years shortlist will be announced on Tuesday.

Its not just Polish novels that are enjoying a boost. Sales of fiction in translation were up in the UK by 5.5% last year, with sales of translated literary fiction increasing by 20%. As the UK turns inwards, caught up in an increasingly bitter fight over leaving the EU, readers are looking outwards, with literature from mainland Europe accounting for a large part of the growth. Jacques Testard, who publishes Tokarczuk, is part of a new wave of independent publishers who hope for further integration of translated fiction into the mainstream, pointing out that it is only in the UK that foreign literature is corralled into a separate compartment from that originally written in English. In France, where a fifth of all books are published in translations, youll find Balzac and Bolzano, Calvino and Carrre on the same shelf in bookshops. Its only in the Anglosphere that it gets set apart.

That separation is in evidence in the awards world, as well as the bookshop, with the Man Booker International the biggest among a host of grants and prizes for fiction in translation. How did Croft and Lloyd-Jones decide who would take responsibility for the Tokarczuk novel that eventually went on to win? Its a matter of trust, says Tokarczuk. Im definitely not the right translator for Flights, says Lloyd-Jones, but when it came to Drive Your Plow, Olga said I should do it. She joked that, at 57, she and I are more like [the eccentric narrator] Duszejko, and, well, theres some truth in that.

A matter of trust Translators Antonia LloydJones, left, and Jennifer Croft, middle, and novelist Olga Tokarczuk.

Team Tokarczuk might be close but they are not as intimately connected as the Chinese novelist Ma Jian and his translator Flora Drew, who is also the mother of their four children. Flora is the only person who has translated my books into English. She came to interview me in Hong Kong on the eve of the handover. Her Chinese was very good, so I gave her copies of my books, and said, half-jokingly, that she could translate them into English if she liked. It was a strange thing to say, but there was feeling of destiny, says the novelist. Their most recent collaboration was on China Dream, a ferocious satire charting the mental breakdown of a corrupt local government official. It was published in English last autumn but is unlikely ever to be read in the original Chinese which Ma nevertheless regards as the master copy because censorship in China is now so extreme that even Hong Kong publishers no longer dare defy the ban that has long prevented his novels from being published on the mainland.

Ma speaks little English, so he talks through Drew in life as well as work. Is it a challenge to separate the professional from the domestic? The Ma Jian I translate is a very different entity from the Ma Jian I live with, says Drew. There is never any confusion. I never feel Im translating the words of the person Ive just had supper with, or whos just taken our children to the park. Knowing him so well though means I can in some strange way become him, and write the translation not as a friend or a translator, but as Ma would if he were writing the book in English. There are times during the translation when I feel we are having a silent conversation with each other that we dont have time for in real life. Many of his books have references to places we have been together, dreams of mine that I have told him about or things our children have said.

Relationships between writers and translators are not usually so close, and not only because they can often live thousands of miles apart. Sam Taylor, a French specialist now living in the US, is also on the Man Booker International longlist with Four Soldiers, a novella by Hubert Mingarelli set near the Romanian border in the last days of the Russian civil war. He proposed the book himself to its publisher Granta. His output in the last couple of years also includes two controversial novels, Lullaby and Adle by the Paris-based Moroccan-French writer Lela Slimani. In neither case did he meet the authors before taking on the novels. I dont remember having any direct interaction with Lela on Lullaby, although she wrote me a very nice thank you email afterwards, he says. With Adle, I had a list of about 15 questions that I sent to her after translating the book (and before revising it). She answered those questions and we exchanged a few emails.

The pairing with Slimani is particularly striking in that Taylor is male, while Slimanis work is strongly sexualised and centred on the female body. Did either of them ever question whether it might be a job for a woman? Of course not! says Slimani. Littrature is meant to be universal. I write about women but I hope men can identify with my characters. And Sam understood in a very subtle way my characters and also my style, what atmosphere I wanted to instil, what music I wanted to create with my words. It is magic when you feel that someone understands and respects your work so much. When I read my book in English I always think: thats the exact word I would have chosen.

Taylor was aware of gender as a potential issue, although, he says, neither Lela nor the books female editors ever mentioned it. In the original French, all genitalia, male or female, is called simply sexe, which is a very neutral word. There are no neutral words for genitalia in English everything tends to sound either scientific or pornographic or comical so I used the word that, in each case, seemed to best fit the context. But I didnt want to be a man imposing my viewpoint or sensibility on a female protagonist and female author, so I highlighted most of those word choices in the text and asked Lela and my editors if they thought this was the right word. I dont think any of those choices were changed or even questioned, but it seemed important to put them up for discussion.

When I read my book in English I always think: thats the exact word I would have chosen Lela Slimani, left, and Sam Taylor

A novelist as well as a translator, who fell into translation after giving up a career in journalism to write books in France, Taylor doesnt take everything he is offered. I turned down the chance to translate Michel Houellebecqs Soumission because the Charlie Hebdo attack occurred a couple of days after I received the offer. I have no regrets about that, he says (the job went to Lorin Stein, former editor of the Paris Review, who has since gone on to translate two novels by Frances new enfant terrible douard Louis).

The literatures of French and English might be different, but as Taylor points out: Most European languages (and certainly French) are underpinned by a roughly equivalent set of philosophical values and a shared history. What of those languages that are the product of cultures with little common ground? The traditional answer has been that they rarely get translated, though research commissioned by the Man Booker International prize revealed the situation to be slowly improving, with a growing demand for Chinese, Arabic, Icelandic and Polish languages.

Chinese and English are as far apart as any two languages could be, says Drew. I can read a book in French easily, but after all these years, Chinese is still a struggle there are many characters I dont know, or have forgotten, classical allusions that I miss. Chinese has no tenses and is more concise than English, so meaning is often inferred through context. But although Chinese sometimes feels like a different universe, Im always surprised by how much can be translated how images and metaphors can work across cultures.

Among the initiatives that encourage a wider range of writing in translation is the new EBRD prize, which awards 20,000 to a book from the interestingly arbitrary landmass served by its sponsor, the European Bank of Research and Development (which extends from the Baltics to central Asia and the Mediterranean countries of Africa). Last years inaugural prize went to the Kurdish/Turkish writer Burhan Snmez translated by mit Hussein. This years was won by the first Uzbek novel ever to be translated into English, The Devils Dance.

Hamid Ismailov. Photograph: Murdo Macleod/The Guardian

Its author is Hamid Ismailov, a genial 64-year-old journalist who came to London shortly after being forced to flee Uzbekistan in 1992 and has had a day job at the BBC ever since. He was matched with his translator, Donald Rayfield an emeritus professor of Russian and Georgian by a new translator-run publishing house, Tilted Axis, set up in 2015 to champion neglected languages. When I meet up with them in the BBCs London headquarters, their rapport is striking. I was the last person to choose for this, jokes Rayfield, but as the Russians say: If theres no fish, a crab will do.

Rayfield not only had to learn Uzbek to translate the novel, but had to bone up on Tartar, Farsi, Tajik and Kyrgyz as well. How many languages does Ismailov speak? When you speak Uzbek, the novelist quietly explains, you understand many Turcik langages and with Russian you can understand many Slavonic ones. He is a translator himself, working in both directions between Russian, Uzbek and various European languages. Several of his own novels have been translated from Russian into English, but the impossibility of getting an Uzbek novel by a banned writer into the hands of any readers at all inhibited his reputation in his mother tongue until the internet solved the problem for him. He published The Devils Dance in chapters on Facebook and it went viral through the Stans the five formerly Soviet countries in central Asia for whom his central character, the real-life early 20th-century writer Abdulla Qodiriy who was executed in 1938, was a hero. The pair are less forthcoming about a third name that appears on the novels title page John Farndon credited with translating the poetry in the novel. There was no conversation. I was somewhat taken aback by changes to my original translations, recalls Rayfield.

The difficult birth of The Devils Dance in English underlines the extent to which translation is not only a two-way but a three-way relationship, with the publisher the person who takes the financial risk as the third partner. Tilted Axis was set up by Deborah Smith partly with the prize money from her 2016 Man Booker International win for her translation of Korean author Han Kangs The Vegetarian. Smith made substantial cuts to The Devils Dance (though it still checks in at more than 400 pages). Her decision to bring in a poetry translator was in line with a time-honoured tradition in which a named poet works from a literal translation rather than the original.

Smith is better placed than most to understand the demands of cultural transposition: as translator of three novels by Han, she had to negotiate Korean systems of religious belief, family relationships and linguistic practice. She too learned the language specifically to translate the novels and found herself at the centre of a storm when her translation of The Vegetarian was challenged on the grounds of accuracy.

A scene where I had the main character close a door with her foot instead of her arm is one Korean academics like to bring up, she says. There were 67 [errors], by the way. I like to state that publicly in case anyone mistakenly assumes its something Id want to hide. The errors were corrected in later editions and Han Kangs faith in Smith is unshaken. Smith is currently living in South Korea and working on a novel by another female Korean novelist, Bae Suah, which is due to be published by Jonathan Cape next year. Shes not about to diversify into other languages just yet. Im trying to find different ways to spread the translation gospel: publishing, teaching, mentoring. Writing about all aspects of translation: the flow between languages, the discourse around it, all the people who make it happen.

Faithfulness, as opposed to accuracy, is always a difficult issue, as novelist Tim Parks concedes. I think theres usually a mistake of nuance on every page of every book. Sometimes scandalously so, he says. As an author and a translator he has experience in both directions, and he stresses that translators are often the best readers. I have a Dutch translator who keeps writing to me and telling me about the mistakes Ive made in my own books. It can be spelling or continuity, and shes always right. Just occasionally its really embarrassing, but people like that give you the chance to fix the next edition.

Parks has written that: The translator should do his job and then disappear. The great, charismatic, creative writer wants to be all over the globe. And the last thing he wants to accept is that the majority of his readers are not really reading him. His readers feel the same. They want intimate contact with true greatness. They dont want to know that this prose was written on survival wages in a maisonette in Bremen, or a high-rise flat in the suburbs of Osaka. Which kid wants to hear that her JK Rowling is actually a chain-smoking pensioner?

But translators fall into different camps, described by New Yorker critic James Wood as originalists and activists: The former honor the original texts quiddities, and strive to reproduce them as accurately as possible in the translated language; the latter are less concerned with literal accuracy than with the transposed musical appeal of the new work, he wrote. Any decent translator must be a bit of both. Or, as the cultural critic Marina Warner has put it: Should a translator respond like an aeolian harp, vibrating in harmony with the original text to transmit the original music, or should the translation read as if it were written in the new language?

The biggest disagreement we had was whether to use the word bathroom or lavatory Jay Rubin and Haruki Murakami

Its obviously a simplification, but I imagine I would be closer to the activist side of the spectrum, says Taylor, whose less aeolian approach set him at odds with one French writer, Maylis de Kerangal. Her novels French title was Rparer les Vivants, and Taylor called his translation The Heart, while the Canadian poet and translator Jessica Moore chose the more literal Mend the Living for this story of the day in the life of a donated heart as it is rushed from one person to another. The translations were commissioned simultaneously by editors in the UK and the US, and both won awards (Mend the Living scooped the Wellcome prize while The Heart won the French-American Foundation prize) but De Kerangal has ruled that Moores is more faithful to her writing and she should therefore do all her future novels: It is so fascinating to see what choices were made at every turn. The opening sentence, for example, feels completely different to me in our versions, says Moore. Even the dead boys surname is different, though interestingly its Taylor who kept De Kerangals Limbres, while Moore went for Limbeau.

According to another busy translator, Frank Wynne, problems often arise when a writer thinks they have a better command of English than they actually do. One of his worst experiences was with French film director Claude Lanzmann who was hugely intrusively involved in the translation of his 2012 memoir The Patagonian Hare. He binned the original Italian translation and redid mine line by line. He insisted on using the phrase leonine contract to mean a contract in which one person took the lions share. I didnt in the end meet him and it might have been useful if I had, so that hed gone into it with more of a sense of trust.

A translator from both French and Spanish who had novels in both languages on the longlist of last years Man Booker International and is currently based in Mexico Wynnes relationships with writers tend to be brisk. Some dont reply at all. The trouble is the more successful a writer is, the more languages there are. One of his top-selling authors, the French crime novelist Pierre Lemaitre, deals with the problem by collating questions from all his 35-40 translators into a round-robin crib sheet.

Jay Rubin, one of the four translators who have made the Japanese novelist Haruki Murakami into an English language superstar, says he learned early on to correspond sparingly. The worst thing I did was with The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. I got together with him in Tokyo and drove him absolutely crazy for a whole day giving him little questions one after another. This is not a very kind thing to do to an author.

Rubin co-translated the book Bird Chronicle with Philip Gabriel, because it ran to three volumes, and its length defeated him. Did they collaborate? The biggest disagreement we had was whether to use the word bathroom or lavatory. (Murakami ruled in favour of bathroom.) But, he says, All of us stick pretty closely to the tone and style of Murakamis writing, and thanks in large part to the simplicity of his style, the voice is pretty consistent. There arent that many ways to say Sunday was another fine clear day.

If that sounds like damning with faint praise, the compliment was returned by Murakami, when he wrote the introduction to a well-received recent anthology of Japanese short stories edited by Rubin, which Rubin himself then translated. Some [stories], of course, could be characterized as representative works, but, frankly, they are far outnumbered by stories which are not, wrote the novelist. How did that make Rubin feel? I giggled when I read that frankly, he says. But youre getting the unvarnished Murakami view of the book.

Some of his dialect I intuited. Other terms, rife with violence and obscenity, he politely translated into Italian for me Jhumpa Lahiri on Domenico Starnone

For Ann Goldstein, translating a more recent superstar, Elena Ferrante, there was no such back and forth. She had no direct contact with the author, whose true identity is a closely guarded secret. She was chosen on submission of a sample translation of a previous Ferrante novel, and corresponds with her on email via her publisher. Though the novels themselves werent written in Neapolitan dialect, the dialogue in the HBO TV adaptation partially scripted by Ferrante is. My role has been translating them so that HBO can read them, says Goldstein.

Just how difficult Neapolitan can be, even to someone steeped in Italian, became clear to the author Jhumpa Lahiri when she took on two novels by another of the southern Italian citys writers, Domenico Starnone. Lahiri moved from the US to Rome and dedicated herself to writing in the language of her host country, the progress of which she documented in a fascinating bilingual book, In Other Words. Immersion in standard Italian didnt prepare her for some of Starnones language though. Some of his dialect I intuited. Other terms, rife with violence and obscenity, were politely translated into Italian for me by Starnone himself, she has said. Lahiris working relationship with Starnone is a passionate cross-cultural conversation, which for their latest collaboration, Trick, took in Kafka and Henry James. At a public launch in London last year, an overawed fan asked if it was necessary to know so much. Not at all, replied Lahiri. For most readers, its just a story of a grandfather left in charge of his four-year-old grandson.

Starnone is now going to translate Lahiris English introduction for the Italian edition of her new Penguin Book of Italian Short Stories. But she is saving the biggest challenge for herself: the English translation of her own first novel written in Italian. Dove mi trovo has already been published in several other languages. The idea of my own creation in Italian not having a life in English yet is interesting, she says. The problem is: how do I turn myself back on myself? Mentally I have to go into a place where Im two people. Is self-translation the most intimate relationship between a writer and a translator? Perhaps not. In Chinese, says Ma Jian, a soul mate is described as zhiyin someone who understands your music and that is what Flora is to me.

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

[apsbicepstraining]

Serena Williams: ‘ Not everyone’s going to like the practice I seem ‘

The tennis star talks about swearing on courtroom, dancing for Beyonc and why shes criticised for being both extremely masculine and extremely sexy

There are so many line-ups to Serena Williams. Slick and powerful in ends and leotard, she dances, squats and moves beside Beyonc in the video for Sorry. “Shes been” lauded by Claudia Rankine, whose award-winning, book-length song Citizen last year outlined Williams as hemmed in as any other pitch-black person shed against our American background. She is the worlds top-earning female jock. And arguably more than any of her contemporaries, her body has been the focus, the point of intersection, of so many arguments about femininity, ability and hasten that it would nearly be possible to overlook the tennis.

But the tennis, of course, is memorable. Williams has acquired 21 grand slams. One more next week at Wimbledon, tell would bring her level with Steffi Grafs total, and merely two short of Margaret Courts all-time register of 24. Williams has been playing since she was three. In September, she swerves 35. If she stays fit, if the forte views, if she preserves acquiring, if young competitives prosper temperately, perhaps she knows how lunge herself through the constricting spread of time to leave a new digit in the record books. But meanwhile, she is singing karaoke at a pre-tournament party. When a Tv interviewer points out that a strap of her harvest top has passed, she commits her shoulder a brief gleam. Yeah, she responds. I know. Through everything, she is a self-stylist.

How did you get involved with Beyoncs book Lemonade ?

Weve known each other a really long time. Ive known the chairman[ Dikayl Rimmasch] since he was nine. My solicitor its his son. We kind of grew up together. They were like, It would be good for Serena. Beyonc had so many inspirational women in that persona, in her documentary video. She alleges she loves when I dance cos I dance like no ones watching. Im like, Oh, but thats different cos theres no camera, theres no one watching. But, yeah, thats kind of what I was trying to do. It worked out good. She had a lot of parties. She had Trayvon Martins baby, Michael Browns[ father] as well, the victims of that shameful violence we are seeing in the United States, as well as some beautiful ballerinas, body-imaging women who really enjoy themselves and hug themselves, so other beings cuddle them, too. It was really powerful putting African-American ladies together in her floor, because shes certainly a super strong African-American woman.

Did she explain it to you in those expressions ?

She excused it to me in different expressions, but we kind of have a same take over a lot of things. Shes are going through so much and been so positive.

Some beings argue that alone African-American wives can truly be attributed to Lemonade

No! I thoughts women in general can relate to it. I think it was a powerful part for everybody, I think it certainly, 100% traversed colouring boundaries. Absolutely.

Did you and Beyonc examine some of the topics adultery , for example ?

Oh God , no. No, thats not my I dont know about that. It was just getting together with strong women.

Over its first year, your form has been described and criticised repeatedly. Why do you think people have felt so free to statement ?

I guess its a part of being in the public eye. You have to accept that people are going to have a remark, whether its your body, or your look, or your hands. It could be your feet. Nothing is off limits. I think thats why, growing up, my mum not consciously, subconsciously schooled myself and all my sisters to be so strong. It readied me for these moments.

Did she do that particularly with regard to torso figure ?

A little bit. Also my older sister, more. But she ever taught us to cherish ourselves and I think that is a wonderful letter that I spread now to so many girls. Its really important. You are who you are, you cant change it. And youre beautiful.

Do the comments still hurt, or did you stop listening ?

For every negative explain, theres a million good remarks. I ever suppose, Not everyones going to like the room I search. Everyone has different types. If we all liked the same situation, it would reach the world a really boring target! What matters most is that I like myself.

Right. Because youve been described as more muscular , too feminine …

Too muscly and too masculine, and then a few weeks subsequently extremely risque and very sexy. So for me it was just really a big joke.

Have you thought about originating your eyebrows extremely, very long only to show people that you get to decide ?

No, its fine. I find it really funny. Sometimes its true. Im like, Gosh, I need to chassis these countenances! Cant argue with the truth sometimes!

You have prevailed in a white-male-dominated world without compromising whom you. Do “youre feeling” you have fought for pitch-black women everywhere ?

I do, but I feel its for all women everywhere. I have so many different people, hastens and colourings who are in a position associate with my floor, whether theyre poverty-stricken or rich or middle class, it doesnt thing. My objective is to inspire every woman out there. My new articulating for the past few years has been: The success of one dame should be the brainchild for the next. And by the way, very great for your health and it impedes young women and girls out of trouble.

This task of inspiring or representing others does it sometimes feel like a job or additional burdens ?

I dont see it as a responsibility and a imperative, but I cuddle it because I am who I am. I appear I can give that content because Im living that word. Does that make sense? I embrace it and I enjoy that I have an opportunity to do it because a lot of beings dont. And I dont have to be anyone different, cos the committee is me. And it really fits well with me.

Claudia Rankine included a long area about you in her brilliant poem Citizen. Was that a bombshell ?

Totally. She interviewed me, very. Her section[ on pitch-black excellence, for the New York Times] was one of best available acts Ive read. It wasnt about a fib, it was just about the truth. And that lyric, with me in it it was so potent. I adoration her work.

Rankines poem refers to the mistaken decisions by umpire Mariana Alves at the US Open in 2004, which contributed to your early departure from the tournament. It includes the line: Though no one was saying anything explicitly about Serenas black torso, “youre not” the only onlooker who thought it was going in accordance with the rules of Alves sightline Did that resonate with you ?

I precisely felt it was very true. And thats why I liked the narrative[ on black excellence ], very. It was just circumstances that are true. Theres happening there are still actuality, and theres fiction and what she supposed, she just said happenings. Those are simple facts.

Was there anything in particular that stood out, where you detected she nailed it ?

That line you opened is a great example, but theres a lot of material. Besides all that, shes a really inducing writer.

You said that your dad describes you as a good daughter, and the working day you hope to have good juveniles, extremely. Is having children on your sentiment ?

It is, it is. It is something I think about a lot, especially now. But I repute everything will be OK. I have a feeling that everything is going to work out, and I dont ponder I am done with what I am supposed to do now hitherto. I just dont feel better duration, and I thoughts when it is time, everything will work out.

And will you know when its age ?

Yeah, I feel Ill know. I know Ill know. Ive been intuitive my whole life. I just think when everything is done and articulated, Ill have a great feeling, and Ill have a great life, I hope.

Do you have a number of grand slams in your premier that you want to reach before you allow yourself to adjourn ?

No. I never even thought, at 21, I would be here. I dont imagine anyone “ve been thinking about” it. I signify, maybe some people do, but I didnt. I dont have a number. Im precisely relying on a believe. A good old feeling.

The poet Claudia Rankine, whose book-length lyric Citizen includes a segment about Serena Williams. Photograph: Anna Webber/ Getty Images for The New Yorker

Male tennis actors can just go on playing without needing to decide or choice in the same way

Man! Theres a part of it thats exactly not fair! But its OK. I emphatically wouldnt have it any other way.

You formerly told a line magistrate : I swear to God Ill fucking take the pellet and shove it down your fucking throat. Will “youve been” flip out on tribunal again ?

I will always be myself. Yeah. I will always be myself, and if that includes getting furious, thats what that is. I perhaps wouldnt use some of the language. But other than that, I dont want to be anyone else. Im Serena, Im happy to be Serena, and I will always be Serena. And if Im not true to myself, then who am I?

Serena Williams was talking at the Delta Air Route Baseline Sessions, for which she is an official diplomat

The post Serena Williams: ‘ Not everyone’s going to like the practice I seem ‘ appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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The Epic Story of O.J.: Made in Americas Creation

When Ezra Edelman set out to make the documentary O.J.: Made in America, he had one goal: To make a five-hour movie about howthe 1995 O.J. Simpson murder case became a flashpoint for talking about race and the American criminal justice system. Not only didhe hit his goal, but he overshot that runtime by about three hours.

“No sane person would do this,” Edelman says now, sitting in a lounge in New York’s Post Factory, where his doc was edited. Talking about it now its like ‘This is fucking crazy.’ The whole thing is a huge leap of faith. You have no knowledge of what exists from an archival standpointyou dont know anything. You just go, ‘Lets try to tackle this to the best of our abilities.’”

In the end, he took some 800 hours of footagesome from archive material, some from interviews with 72 peopleand boiled it down into one single 467-minute movie. It took him more than two years. But he didnt do it alone. In fact, it wasnt even entirely his idea. We spoke with Edelman and his creative partners to get the story ofhow they created the wildly ambitious documentary.

February, 2014: The Beginning

Connor Schell, executive producer and senior VP, ESPN Films: Weve been producing a series of documentary films at ESPN called 30 for 30 since 2009. In that time, we gained more of a foothold in documentary filmmaking, working with various directors, and tackling topics of real cultural importance where sports is your window in. I certainly knew Ezras work and Id been thinking about O.J. Simpson for a long time, but our pursuit of wanting to do something on O.J. Simpson always started from, Well, how do you conceive of something thats not obvious? This is territory thats very well-covered, be that in books, articles, or other documentary films. Obviously, theres a section of this story thats from [the murder of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman in] June 1994 to [Simpson’s acquittal in] October of 1995 that, if you make a project about O.J. Simpson, youre going to have to cover. But I was always interested in the full picture. What came before and what came after. And where could O.J.s story take you? That led to a few conversations between Ezra and I and he conceived of this approach and of this film.

Edelman:The thing he first said was We want to make a five-hour film. Thats what interested me. That was before he even told me what it was about. When he told me what it was about I was not that interested. My thought was What can I add to this story? They had already done a film on O.J.June 17, 1994, Brett Morgens rendition of the day of the Bronco chase. Connor wanted to do something more challenging and that jibed with something I wanted to do.

Schell:We were interested in the context, in the story of race, of celebrity, and how O.J. helps you tell that story. We started the conversation about a really long movie by saying OK, when you get to that period, why was it so meaningful? Why did it mean so much to white American and black American and why did they view it so differently? Thats a story were really interestedin telling and therefore, it needs to be long.

April 2014: The Research

Because Edelmans movie details thehistory of the relationship between the the Los Angeles Police Department and African-American communities long before Simpson was a student the University of Southern California, his team had to find footage of events like the Watts riots and families from the South moving to LA.

Edelman: From there it was a few months of me just reading. That’sall I did: I got up and I read. Jeffrey Toobins bookThe Run of His Life, Lawrence Schillers bookAmerican Tragedy. This great book by Lou Cannon called Official Negligence, which is about the history of the LAPD. But the first thing I did, was address the practical question of How the fuck do we get this done? So that meant just calling Caroline [Waterlow, the movies producer] and being like Caroline, so theres this thing. Its going to be big. I think itll be interesting. It might not be so fun, but I can think of no other person who I would want to help me craft this.

Caroline Waterlow:I remember we had pizza. My initial reaction was O.J.? You feel like its a story that surely we know about. All the films Ive worked on have been predominantly archival, historical docs, so the idea of being able to get into the early context and history became interesting to me quickly. Then my job was to hire people to figure out how to do that. This is not a job for a young associate producer whos like just starting out. You cant ask them, “So, can you call the former DA of Los Angeles?” We needed really experienced people who knew what they were doing.

Edelman: She found all the people for the team and from there it was just the combination of experience and alchemy.

Edelman and and Waterlow soon brought on producer Tamara Rosenberg, who was tasked with tracking down all of the docs sources, and producer Nina Krstic, who had to find and create a database of 500-600 hours of archival footage.

Tamara Rosenberg: I got a phone call from Caroline first and I was like, O.J.? Nothing in my resume points me towards that subject. But then I had my first meeting with Ezra and he already had an outline of what he wanted to do and it was very apparent to me that that wasnt going to be any other O.J. story. This was going to be differentand great.

Nina Krstic:His enthusiasm was a clincher. Also, it was like, “How can you refuse such a challenge?” How do you find archive of that that someone has never seen before? I think it was a challenge Id dreamed about my whole life and there it was.

Edelman: [Deadpan] I just want, for the record, to note how much both of them talked about my enthusiasm.

Schell: He jokes about it, but when hes engaged, its all he can think or talk about. Hes in.

Edelman: Which I imagine is comforting for an executive. [Laughs.]

August 2014: Building the Story

Edelman: With this large of a canvas, there was a need and an ambition to tell O.J.s story with some sort of thoroughness. I was interested in telling the story of what happened to him after the trial; at the same time, I wanted to tell this other story about therelationship between the black community and the police department in LA, and that that was going to inform this greater story about race in America. Then there was this story about him as a cultural icon that existed on this other level. But it all came back where we were going with the trial. It feels like the ultimate American Studies paper.

O.J. Simpson arrives next door to Watts a year after the riots, but hes in this really white, conservative, apolitical place, right next to a place that had just burned out of frustration. You see all these parallel tracks and its like, ‘Isnt this everything we were talking about with the trial years later?’ Thats a core place to start the story.director Ezra Edelman

O.J. becomes famous for football, and thats all he has to do to get noticed. Then right down the coast theres a community of people in Watts that were so frustrated and outraged with how they were being treated by the police that this sort of ends up inciting the riots in 1965. And this is what this community is doing to have their voices heard. So theres this juxtaposition. Then O.J.arrives next door to that like a year later, but hes in this really white, conservative, apolitical place, right next to a place that had just burned out of frustration. You see all these parallel tracks and its like, Isnt this everything we were talking about with the trial years later?

Waterlow: There was a big bulletin board that I had made. That was the first place that we started building timelines of O.J.s life and what was going on in the world. Then just names. [Prosecutor] Marcia Clark, of course, but also the names of childhood friends. It was just a board of a million names.

Edelman: It was organized chaos. I was looking for first-person voices:people who lived through this history at every point, whether its O.J.s football career or the LAPD. When you look at the people who are the most important and impactful people in the film, youre like I didnt know who any of these people were. I was standing on a train platform somewhere in Connecticut, and Tamaracalled me up and she was like, So I just talked these guys, I dunno, they were a couple of O.J.s childhood friends… and I had never heard of them, but thats exactly where this whole thing comes together. Every time that happens, its like a small victory.

Rosenberg:My character list is a 100-page Word document. In there are people we did interview, people who were maybes, and just people we looked at, and people who just said no. It was a big casting job. It was a constant dialogue with Ezra. As he felt ready to tackle a certain period of O.J.s life, then we started populating those areas with people. So it would be OK, were ready to talk about his USC years, and then I would go on the hunt for his team players from those years.

We had a great PA on the team, who was very good at tracking people down. I would just send names to him, and he would triangulate and I dont know what to find people. He would post on message boards. I dont even know what he did and I dont want to know. He would just send me a phone number and be like I have a good feeling about this one.”Then it was just a job of calling them and saying Hey, this is what were doing and really trying to impress upon them that this was not just another O.J. doc, and that was hard because a lot of these people had approached by the press before, so we were guilty by association.

Waterlow: And then as soon as we found a person it was a matter of Is there any footage of that amazing USC game? and Nina [Krstic] would have to get involved.

Nina Krstic: When I got started in September the first goal was: find every single interview with O.J. And then it was filling in the historical stuff. So there weretwo layers to it. There was also finding stuff that was pre-90s and then it was Rodney King, murder trial, and everything else. Once you get to the 90s theres tons of stuff, but we dont want to see the same footage all over again. Also, with news stories, I wanted raw footage, because I dont want a news editor from 94 deciding whats good and whats not good.

Fall 2014-Winter 2015: The Interviews

Waterlow:Ezra did every one of those interviews, so to prep for those was major.

Edelman:There is a method to the madness. You know you want Marcia Clark, you know you want these bigger characters, but youre not going to call them up initially. You want to be as prepared before you get to that point. But also, you just have to start. So we interviewed 72 people; 66 are in the film, but two of the people that arent we interviewed on the first day because you just need to get going.

Rosenberg:Some people I would talk to for many months before we finally got them. Hands down, as a group, the jurors [for Simpsons murder trial] were the hardest to convince. We reached out to a bunch of them. Some we couldnt find. Ezra and I met with Yolanda Crawford at some stage and although she was hard to find, once we found her and talked to her she was on board.

Edelman: We ended up going to shoot in Las Vegas in January of 2015 to interview someone we didnt actually end up getting to interview, which is one of the jury consultants for the defense. But we were going there so it was like, We should probably try to talk to people involved in the robbery. Talk about a place were not at yet. But sometimes you just have to figure it out.” Thats where youre making a mini movie within the massive movie.

Waterlow: With this film, more than any others that Ive worked on, there was a lot of Dont say nolet me have coffee with you. We had to make our case about who we are and what we were doing. There were several trips to LA, in October, November, and December. Las Vegas in January. There were five or six shoots in the fall.

Some people I would talk to for many months before we finally got them. Hands down, as a group, the jurors were the hardest to convince.producer Tamara Rosenberg

Edelman: The jury was a big part of the canvas, but the prosecution was an even bigger part. And we were having no luck. There were just four main people [in the prosecution], and we need at least one. That was really stressful. I really wanted Chris Darden. I spent a week reading his book and writing him a letterno response, no response, no response. But we had to keep going. I finally got [district attorney] Gil Garcetti’semail from a family friend in January or February, four months after wed started shooting, and he said, Youre welcome to come out and talk to me next time youre in LA, but I wont do an interview. You go and have a lovely conversation for two hours and hes like Im still not doing an interview and Im like, Dude, that could have been the interview. This could be done. But after three conversations and two visits to his house, it was like 10:30 pm on a Tuesday nightand he wrote me an email or sent me a text and said, Alright, Im going to do it. There was a palpable sense of relief.We had already gotten to the point where we were going to start editing.

February, 2015: Editing Begins

Waterlow: There was lots of archival being gathered the whole time. We knew there would be plenty for [Bret Granato, one of the film’s three editors]to start. Thirty interviews, maybe.

Granato:I had wasted a lot of my sophomore year in college following the trial. When we first started, the first thing I put my hands on was the Watts riots section. When I first talked to Ezra I had mentioned that I knew a lot about the trial, and he was kind of unimpressed by that. [Laughs] He said that he really wanted Los Angeles to be a character. So that was the first thing we touched.

Edelman:While he was working on another film, before he was officially working on this, he was taking the audio of the interviews that we had shot and listening to them on his own. So he showed up with this sense of where we were going.

Granato:How Ezra works is he creates this 50-60 page document of the roadmap. We met a few times before the edit to go over that. Its very specific with him: Were going to start with Watts.

Krstic: I made sure that every section of O.J.s life had at least a representative amount of footage to give Bret the freedom to start with it. Then there was also the massive job of organizing over 500 hours of footage, sub-clipping it, keywording it, making the job a year down the line so much easier. My eyes still cross when I think about this, but I basically made a huge database, and then every entry in the database has a clip and its all searchable.

Schell: The amazing thing is the exercise in logistics. Ezras off researching and doing an interview, Tamara is three or five shoots ahead of him, trying to get people lined up. Then Brets trying to tell a story around all of these parts

There was the massive job of organizing over 500 hours of footage, sub-clipping it, keywording it, making the job a year down the line so much easier. My eyes still cross when I think about this, but I basically made a huge database, and then every entry in the database has a clip and its all searchable.producer Nina Krstic

Waterlow: And Nina is IM-ing all day with three people being like What do you need? What do you need? What do you need?

Schell: The idea that it could all come together to fit the vision laid out is quite astonishing.

Edelman: Im used to feeling like I have to be in control of everything. But this was the first time where it was like, That shit aint gonna work. I talked to Tamara a lot because were talking about the characters and interviews. And Caroline and I have this its a little more fraternal.

Waterlow: Im the truth-teller.

Edelman: We just have our own thing. Bret and I get to talk about the story, butunfortunately for himIm sitting behind him like Pig-Pen and the sky is always falling and hes like Dude, this is hard enough. But with Nina, shes the one person, and I say this lovingly, shes a machine.

Krstic: It was never-ending. Even when we were locked, there was still always one little thing wed need.

Granato: I feel like all of our scenes were built initially to just tell it the best way it could be told, then we would make it betterbut when we were making it better, we werent necessarily making it shorter.

Spring/Summer, 2015: Interviews Continue

Rosenberg: We found Carrie Bess, one of the jurors, pretty early on and Ezra and I met her and had coffee and she was fairly non-committal. I made it a habit ever time wed land in LA to drive to her place. She didnt use email and barely used the phone, so it was just about me showing up and saying hi. She would give me lemons from her lemon tree. We had a cute relationship that way. But she never fully committed. So finally on one of our last trips to LA, I remember sitting with her under her lemon tree and saying, Carrie, you have to do this. Luckily enough she was like, OK, come back in a couple of days.

Edelman:She didnt have any interest in us and this thing. Sometimes shes engaged and sometimes not. Sometimes shed say something profound and wonderful, sometimes she says something kooky. Theres a realness to her. As a documentary filmmaker, what more do you want?

Rosenberg: I had a feeling on the day of the interview that I had to show up before the team, so I drove over and of course Carrie Bess had completely forgotten. She was covered in paint because she was re-painting her house. I pushed her in the shower and went to her closet and opened it and took out like three different outfitsand was like Wear this!

Edelman: That wasnt even the last LA trip. The last real shoot that Tamara and I went on in LA was we interviewed [Ron Goldmans father] Fred Goldman and Mark Fuhrman.Fuhrmanwas reluctant to do the interview and, like a lot of people, was not thrilled at the idea of this being donebut healso didnt know who we were. Why would you trust someone with your sensitive feelings and your past? I found someone who engaged us respectfully, and in a trusting manner. I think the guy deserves a lot of credit.

Waterlow: Thats a testament to the job Tamara and Ezra did on the interviews. Many people after the interview would say Thats the smartest interview anybodys ever done and Ive talked about this a lot. Including Marcia Clark.

I remember just sitting for a whole week just reading Marcia Clark’s book, reading articles, watching stuff, and not picking up the phone.producer Tamara Rosenberg

Rosenberg:I remember just sitting for a whole week just reading her book, reading articles, watching stuff, and not picking up the phone. I think its in Slouching Towards Bethlehem where Joan Didion just sits next to the phone for three hours, staring at it. I had the same thing. And by the time I talked to her I was fully prepared. The first 10 minutes of the phone call did not go so well, and I remember in that call where I was like, Ugh, shes gonna say no. Then we turned a corner. She asked me what I was doing during the trial and I wasnt here. [Rosenberg was studying in Israel.] I think that made a huge difference. The fact that I wasnt one of these people who was obsessively following it and aware of every single flaw and what was going on with her hair and wardrobe, that changed something. Then she was great. I love Marcia. And she sat for how long? Six hours?

Edelman: About five hours. Shes pretty fierce. She is so in control of who she is and what she experienced.

Rosenberg: Somebody like [news helicopter pilot] Zoey Tur, was one of those wonderful moments where archival and casting were working together because she was on both our radars for different reasons. Nina was looking at her because the footage she had shot of the riots and the Bronco chase and I had her on my radar as a storyteller. We both pursued her and got this great material.

It felt infinite. Its like looking at the sun, though, you dont want to ever look at the big picture.editor Bret Granato

Waterlow: And I loved how unabashed she was about things. Shes like Yeah, Im a journalist, Im going to get the fucking story. She represented that so well, and owned it.

Krstic: All told, there was about between 500-600 hours of archival footage and then 72 interviews.

Waterlow: Its probably 800 hours total, if were talking about interviews and archival footage.

Granato: It felt infinite. Its like looking at the sun, though, you dont want to ever look at the big picture. You trust the process. My job is to create as compelling a five-minute thingas I can, and then take a step back and see if it connects. But I wouldve melted if Id actually thought about what we were trying to do. Its too much to comprehend.

January, 2016: That Other Massive O.J. Show

Edelman had known about it for a while, but in January 2016, when he took his forthcoming doc to a Television Critics Association event, he had to come face-to-face with the fact that Ryan Murphy and his FX juggernaut were also releasing a massive retelling of Simpson’s tale: The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story. Not only would it be based on a book by Jeffrey Toobin, who was one of Edelman’s sources, it would be coming out months before Made in America hit theaters or ESPN.

When youre making this huge thing and you find out someone else is doing a 10-hour series nominally about the same thing, youre like ‘What the fuck?’director Ezra Edelman on The People v. O.J. Simpson

Edelman: To be honest, there were concurrent documentary projects that were being done that were causing a lot more stress than that. Having said that when youre making this huge thing and you find out someone else is doing a 10-hour series nominally about the same thing, youre like What the fuck? But you can only worry about it so much. Ill admit to being personally not thrilled. What are the odds? When we went to the TCAs in January to basically publicly announce the existence of this film three weeks before Sundance, all the journalists in the room had already seen the first six episodes of the FX series and they were all telling us how incredible it was.

Waterlow: We kept being like, “I didnt make that. I dont know how to answer that.”

Edelman: My legitimate fear was: Here is a 10-hour television series about O.J., about the trial, its going to be on television before ours will be out in the world, I dont know that people have that appetite to watch another huge thing about O.J. Thats why it was important for me for it to screen at Sundance, because that was before it was on TV. That way it was clear we werent drafting off of the success of that. That made me feel OK. Frankly, that didI can now sayabsolutely whet the appetite and re-engage people with this story in a way that they wanted the non-fiction narrative. It worked.

January to May 2016: The End (Sort of)

Granato: Ezra and I would stay late nights and work on the film and I dont think there was a single walk back to the train that wasnt about the film and how to make the film better.

Edelman: I didnt ask about your kid?

Granato: Did you know I have a kid? [Laughs] The last night when we locked itit didnt feel like a lock, but it was my last night therewe were still talking about the film. I dont know that I ever had a moment where I was like Ah, thats done! It is such a living, breathing creature. It still doesnt feel done.

Schell: Even when we had gotten to picture lock and submitted the film to Sundance, and it was accepted Even after it screened there, Ezra was obsessed with the fact that it was still a temp score.

Edelman: That was causing me a lot of angst. Itwas a continual process. The first few months of this year, I was still working on the film. We upgraded footage after Sundance, we swapped out the score. We were working up until the time it was screened in theaters in the middle of May. We were working up to the day we had to deliver the hard drives [to theaters]. I watched the last two hours of this on Vice the other night, against my better judgment, and if I could go into the edit room today there would be some things Id want to do.

Waterlow: Because we had these intermissions built in, theres three drives for each version of the film. I remember calling box offices and calling theater managers and being like Did you get it?!

Because we had these intermissions built in, theres three drives for each version of the film that we had to send. I remember calling box offices and calling theater managers and being like ‘Did you get it?!’producer Caroline Waterlow

Schell: This is not a small ask of someones time, to have people commit to an entire day of having someone watch something. But then to understand how engaged they are and the conversations they want to have afterwards is incredible to see.

Edelman: Again, if we knew what we were doing, we wouldve never started.

Schell: But to add to that, whats incredible about the media environment we exist in right now, is that this can exist as a film, and also on ESPN and via video-on-demand, and via DVD, and streaming.We can expose millions of people to that story.

Edelman:People dont necessarily have eight hours and 15 minutes to spend in a movie theater. I get that. So, we worked really hard to create this thing, and if people watch it on their TVs streaming, thats fine. Ive never seen it on TV. Ill never watch something Ive done on ESPN with commercials. Not the previous film I did, not this one. It makes me want to throw up in my mouth. I know this should be experienced as this beginning-to-end thing, but we have fractured lives. Thats not the world we live in.

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from The Epic Story of O.J.: Made in Americas Creation