#ive spent like an hour on this idk why im so passionate abt it

[nitrokiraru]

i am currently in the process of making a nitro+chiral referencing their own games/similarities between the games masterpost so if anybody has any refs or things they found similar between the games that isn't rly talked abt pls let me know.... i swear ive put everything but i wouldnt be surprised if i missed something. but the post should b out soon ☝️

[gayspock]

yeh last one

my honest truth is i have never gone back on a thought ive had during whatever the fuck you want to call my little Moments as it were. like ive never had a screaming, crying, throw-up fit about how much i really need to hurt myself and looked back on it and thought i dont any more or regretted feeling like that. idk. embarrassment over the fact i might , when lucid enough to do so, end up going on a little whinge on here (ironically as iam now). cuz god shut up. but i dont rlly take any of that shit back ever. like i can carry that certtainty fucking with me that nothing ive ever been upset over has been something ivve come to think otherwiseon. and idk idk i say this bc idk. something something. i think abt how so often its like yeppp its a mental breakdown, but fucking is it. like is it actually. is it ever. am i irrational. i feel like the only ways in which its truly irrational isthinking it mattered enough to get that worked up in the first place like its ever going to mean something or going to be different . io genuinely wonder how many hours ive spent of my life just spiralling how its never meant anything how it keeps just getting worse how its never going to matter how much it hurts to anyone at all but me, really, how amny times have i been to the brink or tried really hard or done any number of fucking things and its never made a single difference not even slightyl for so so long. and the only thing there is between that and this is jsut pushing it forward to tomorrow and it sitll doesnt help im still not like a fucking person or whatever . i ts just been non fucking stop it never fucking stops no matter what i do or try or how long i do something or try something and people wont even believe it . youre not doing it enough youre not trying enough and you keep on doing it you keep on but more and more doors shut inyourface and you still can neverjust find anything . anything at all. not a single fucking thing even for once and youre not astrong fucking person or whatever i dont fucking know you just want to curl up and die like why do i keep doing this what difference is it ever going to make where am i going im going nowhere and who for who fucking for for ME i dont tink ive ever been worth it to anyone and certainly not to myself and even if it was i cant get anywhere and i dont think i mean anything and i dont know i keep thinking would it happen if like even/ for second to have something thats worth it for a second like o if i wasnt entirely alone if it was real if something jst. it doesnt even have to be a passion ro an interest just something that isnt fucking nothing butif you had that you wouldnt be here in the first place . thats the conceit of it. im not fucking depressed im not fucking clinically unwell im jsut a fucking useless piece of shit and no i cannot fucking cope with that its fucking horrible theres nothing and i cant manage it i cant manage being alone every wakinghour of my life i cant imagine feeling so isolated and alienated and doing things on my own i cant manage the constant fucking failures and inadequacy i cant

and i think . respectfully its fucking reasonable to want to killmyself because why why why the fuck would i want to be alive thats not a fucking chemical imbalance wat is the fucking point and theres nothing you can fucking Say to unfuck that thats the natural fucking rejection that respectfully everyone else can also fcking understand because god knows i dont know i dont know whats wrong with me or why i just cant do enough to do anything i dont fucking know i dont know why im never enough for anythingand . and what ma i trying oto prove and i dont know why it matters i dont know why i keep caring as if it fucking matters, man, thats the embarrassing thig that really is it i feel so fucking ashamed of myself because i feel liek im still setting ym expectations so so fucking hgih for myself getting upset in the fucking first place lik e come on dude its long long long past the point why come on just shut up and you know like god what are you doing iits so fucking desperate and pathetic to keep fucking going and i wish i never existed or whatever i wish or whatever ugh or whatever who saidthat oh was it me i dont fucking know i hat ebeing alone thats what i hate the most i hate how its just alwayslike this i hate being near people sometimes i hate fucking talking to people because it justfeels like everything i cant fucking manage all of the time i keep getting so so fucking upset over dumb fucking shit getting so fucking sad and jealous and miserable and its not fucking fair i jsut i dont know why eveyrone else has had something or someone even jsut once i feel like im just floating through everyone and even thats such a fucking stretch i just . i cant do it any more i feel so ugly adnd unwanted and i feel like i cant do anything to ever help it i feel like i jsutcant blamepeople i can tblame anything but myself for existing and ijust feel like the only way to fix it is out and WHATEVER

[scourgefrontiers]

yall mind if i gush abt my chickens for a bit. ok. here i go

im so excited for these chickens to hatch, theres one week left, they hatch next monday hopefully if all goes well ;o;...

im both excited and nervous b/c this is my first time hatching chickens (i hatched quails before if u remember and i kept them for like two months before i couldnt handle them anymore just because cleaning out their pen was like..hell on earth) so im like.  will i be a good chicken parent for them ??? will i be able to keep up with two chickens ???  assuming both make it out of the eggs that is

raising the chickens will be different than raising the quails b/c 1) theyre going to be running around my room instead of cooped up in a fish tank 2) theyre going to be wearing diapers i have to change every three hours 3) they’ll need to periodically go outside to scratch and get sun and also theyll need to go into the garage to dust bathe (thats where i have their bath set up)

but for some reason i feel like i’ll be able to handle chickens better than i did quails?? idk why i feel that way.  maybe because ive been wanting chickens for a long time and im passionate about them? i was lowkey passionate about quails until i got them lol but i think about chickens daily and quails just werent the same as chickens in the end so thats probably why i got rid of them

i wonder if im having doubts and nervousness just b/c im excited? <:0a like, its my first time, so im nervous abt it...

at the same time i really hope i can keep up with two chickens. like. i figure its the same as keeping up with the dog, which i am Able to do, its just. idk. i hope i can do it. i dont wanna have to get rid of my chickens after ive spent so much money preparing for them

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

  i didnt get to sleep at all... and im going to be too exhausted to work during my library slot. like yesterday- it was getting 2 tht point where i jsut could not focus. i was so, so drained tht i jsut started getting too tired to keep my eyes open, nevermind work.  and i also jsut.. couldnt do anything all night, either ... bc i spent it trying to sleep - and failing to sleep - and  im  already so fucking spacey from the sleep deprivation/disruption ... and so i just start bawling any time i try to do anythin bc like... even just making fucking notes? god, its just like trying to fucking grasp fistfuls of water, babes......  and im just so fuckin tired.

and i just feel so fucking useless bc i do nothing. ive done nothing. ive done nothin for years . like, i jsut cant muster it- and yet im getting more tired every day, man, and everythin just gets so much worse and so much further away... and idk.  i was a lost cause to begin with: i hated my life, and wanted to die so much already; i felt alone, and a failure already. and i just.. the constant downwards spiral over years man.. i keep thinkin “this is the bottom; at least it cant get any worse” but even tht is just... such an empty comfort, bc it does. every time i think “i hate myself, but at least im self-aware” it gets re-contextualised and i jsut rot more and fucking end up being blindsided and have a breakdown . the only development theres ever been is just more failure, more loss, more fucking wishing and regretting and praying that a fucking truck will hit me and god!!!!!

like. i just feel so empty . i cant take it, girls. i just feel so fuckin empty. im working towards nothing and i feel like nothing and i just want to fuckin die man. i dont want to do this. but i dont want 2 do anything. nothings right and theres just nowhere to go and nothing to do and there hasnt been anything to be happy about for years. i hate... tht my existence is nothing and i jsut. i dont know everyone keeps telling me tht everyones lost at this age; that everyone feels like this. but i just feel so much worse bc it jsut.... everyone else stil seems to have something- or have HAD something- and i just feel so much more useless, so much more inadequate for not being capable of anything whatsoever . bc its not like ijust.. dont know wht to do man its jsut. i feel like im fucking no one at this point. my brains fucking shutting down and im just really scared because half the time i cant put thoughts together any more .

like i feel like .. even others strugglin... even if they cant always msuter it, theyve at least had a passion for something in their life and i dont know. i jsut feel like fucking nothing. all the shit ive done in the past, i just feel like i did it.. to try and be someone im not bc i jsut cant be anyhting myself... like i just cant fuckin care and i dont know wht to do man. and its not a recent thing its an always thing its just... wearing my down so fuckin much man... like  i used to draw for example, but i jsust... i feel like ive never been happy iwth anhy of it. ive actually just outright loathed everything i did. not even just bc of my own absolute lack of technical skill, but just... i just feel like the entire time i was just trying to be someone who was passionate and good at something but the truth is i jsut.. i dont care man.  ive spent hours doin tht, trying to prove something to myself, only to rip up the sketchbook. throw it out. try to feel like it matters. it doesnt at all and i ahte myself . i dont care abt my degree either. i dont want to be anything and i dont even want a life man. i dont know why im still here, when its jsut miserable and bankrupt of everything and i jsut... i think abt all the ppl on my course who are good at wht they do bc they CARE but i just dont jman. i jsut fucking dont. like it doesnt fuckn help that i suck at it, too, but i just... cant connect with anything and i just...

i just feel liek a failure at being real over and over and over and im so alone . nbc thts the other thing man at least.. other ppl, even then, they still either have someone or have had someone but i just feel like... wherever i go it just doesnt work . i just feel like a shell. and the communciation problems are getting worse but it was always bad, and its never worked out and... i just feel so left out of everything and whatever i do it just never matters. . . and i odnt know ive done everything and ive tried everything and ive been myself and ive been a different person but whatever i do i jsut end up alone and crying bc everyone forgot i existed or i just ghost around the edges of friendship groups , feeling like nothin but a burden !! and at tht point i just rather disappear man ... a  and it just feels like rewatching the same tape over and over again, this fucking horrible inevitability. bc idk i remember bein a kid. real little. and its the same thing . its always the same thing & then i thoughtmaybe i could try and be better btu i just..  i feel so stupid for ever dreaming abt being happy . i really do. bc i remember even just sixth form, despite how miserable i was both irl and online- i thought i could maybe make friends but i jsut fucking cant man... over the yearsthe only difference is it just gets more fruitless every time. i dont even talk to anyone any more, but my flatmates, and they shut me out all the time . i can try rlly hard but it just makes no difference. and instead ive spent months, sometimes, just out of contact with anyone, looking at dark walls and crying bc i jsut .. i cant do anything BUT that. literally nothing BUT tht . i cant .. theres nothing there for me, that doesnt just drive me to tears bc i just feel so useless and pointless and inane. i just cant achieve anything but tht and its just...

i dont know i have nothing i want i have no one to be with i just feel like im existing and the best i can ever muster is just numbing myself and distracting myself until that starts to make it all worse and at tht point what do i do i jsut self-destruct and what does THART achieve absolutely nothing bc its just me screaming and crying by MYSELF until i exhaust myself back to numbness and the cycle continues and it doesnt change any tides, but the world keeps spinning and i keep getting further from everything, but i cant escape, i dont have the strength to or anything to and i dont have anyhting else to work with, or anything else to do and i just.. i really do jsut want to give up, i dont want to be tired and sad all the time, i just want to not exist. i wish i could have never existed . like theres not a single fucking moment i would feel remorse over losing bc its all just been so worthless, and yet ive spent all these years struggling with everything and its just so so so fucking stupid. i sincerely sometimes just feel... hatred man. just hate the shit tht i used to delude myself with , and the reasons i thought i had to hold on bc theyre all so hollowand i just...  i wish my dad really did fucking bash my head in , like i dont .............. h u know wht i mean i just.

it just always feels worse too whenever anyone event ries with me any more bc it just exacerbates everything and jsut makes me feel more broken bc half this shit... they tr y to make something, make some reason but it always just... there’s nothing there, babe! im sorry! im crying very hard, and i wish there was but there IS NOTHING THERE, and these little htings.. its just not enough to sustain any of it and im sorry. im so fucking sorry but i cant do it ny more i cant live another 20 years  with nothing but the promises that ur worth it! <3 bc wow, sometimes u give up ur seat for ppl on the bus and tht makes their day! the little things you do make people happy, and YAAY THATS ENOUGH.  like i feel so fucking horrible , and i dont wnt to be negative , and i dont wnt to ruin it for everyone . but every tim e someone sincerely approaches me with sth like tht i just feel like breakin down bc i cant man. im sorry i cant but i cant i cant i cant take this i cant take any of this i sincerely cant fucking take everythng and how much it hurts and how scared i am and how miserable i am and everything for tghat and its the same it goes the same with everything, with all the recited, stock positivity messgs and i feel horrible i jsut feel worse every time bc i just feel like its such a waste of fucking energy bc it makes me feel worse and it just. it doesnt matter none of it matters babe and none of it even makes sense and its so patronising and degrading half the time to be just told tht but i KNOW i know damn well it jsut. okay im getting incomprehensible i think im jsut. god i just feel  so sick and guilty but i jsut cant take it i just cant take it hearing it all the time  and seeing it all the time when ... its just tht and then i jsut.. spend hours empty and alone and crying and screaming and fucking hitting my head off of thigns bc i  cant cope with being alive and its sending me sdigpdsgjds0j but ... no one has an actual sincere answer tht GIVES  a reason, that makes sense within the contet, but there isnt one! there just fucking isnt one! everyrthing just makes my brainrot like tht bc there just ISNT anything tht will make me happy, that will alleviate any of the distress bc if there was i could use it,but i cant its just hopeless andc podvjpdsgdsgpjgdsp YOU KNOW. WHT I MEAN i jsut. cant.............. i cant i cant i cant and i jsut. i try but it just. its nothing i dont know why . i wish it mattered when i gave everything but its just never enough its never ever enough at the end of the day i just end up crying and sad and alone no matter what and i just. keep having these flash panics even when im stagnant where i jsut start to fucking collapse in on myself bc i  dont know wher ei am or what im doing and i jsut. i dont know man