#ive seen what happens to neglected birds and i could not live with myself if i mistreated one in any form

[codaynamics]

dude i wanna get a bird so badly but i really dont trust myself to be able to give one the attention and stimulation it needs. i also dont trust myself to be able to stay devoted to one for a long time and like, birds, especially Parrots, are a Big commitment.

[cake-of-awesome]

today was busy

it was free comic book day so i spent the morning hanging out with a friend doing that. we ended up walking all over down town, there was a bake sale going on, got some baked goods, and turns out theres an upcoming comic comptition sponsored by the local comic shop and library.

the library supposed to be hosting meet ups and workshops as a way to help budding artists get the help they need as well as acting as a social hub for people so theyre not all isolated while working on these comics. im really interested in doing it but i guess we’ll see. i’d have to produce 12 pages which is kind of a lot if i consider all the other projects im working on so im going to see if i can get some others to join in.

later that evening i met up with another friend and we visited this bird fest art gallery and it was interesting. its been a long while since ive seen a local art exhibit. i found myself amazed at my friend and how she was able to talk to easily with the artists we met over there, and how eloquent she was about talking about other peoples work. shes so adept at picking up on key themes and ideas from a work, i realize it takes me a while to really absorb things mostly because im still figuring out my own impressions.

one of the artists we met was really cool, i think shes from central europe and did these gorgeous paintings of these tropical birds. there were some really fun descriptions that made us laugh, i think she saw us laughing and thought we were making fun of her but thankfully we were able to explain why we liked the paintings so much and it seemed like she was really flattered by having fans.

i ended up getting her business card, i plan to follow her on instagram to see what she’ll do next

after that we went to a nearby bar and it was a lot of fun. i really liked the bar for their mixed drinks. the two of us ended up talking about a bunch of different stuff and eventually another friend of ours showed up with her psuedo sorta date. she doesnt really like the guy and wants to break it off with him but hasnt just yet. i really hope she breaks it off soon.

while we were hanging out the topic eventually turned to dating and dating apps. the friend i had originally met up with knows how i like girls, and so she was curious how my dating adventures were going. and the truth was nothings happened. ive been neglecting my dating apps and i know its my own fault. talking is hard and so i avoid them.

we also talked about the dating scene and how the city we live in is so different from larger cities. theres no dance clubs really, much less gay bars. its isolating. i think my friend offered to be a wingwoman, it was hard to hear what she all said from how loud it was at the bar. midway through our conversation i realized or at least remembered some things that made me feel sad.

i still dont really know how to label myself as. i know theres no need to label myself but at the same time i would like to know what my own identity is. for a while i saw myself as asexual. i didnt really have the drive to be in a sexual relationship and i never found myself being attracted to anyone either.

but now that im older i can see that ive been struggling with depression for a while now, and with that having a hard time opening up and just connecting with others due to my own inability to connect to my own emotions. between that and internalized homophobia i wonder just how much of my lack of attraction is just due to my brain acting funny

 i also recognize there’s a fear about being in a relationship. ive never been in a serious relationship before. and so i have no idea what to expect or where it’ll go or lead. i realize this is a silly thing to be afraid of, at the best it’ll be something thats something like friendship but more, something thats more intimate physically and maybe emotionally. and thats something i really want, i really am lonely and i’d like to have something of that warmth

but at the same time? i worry that my want to not be lonely is clouding my judgement too. i could just be overthinking this though. i know if i just follow my gut things should be okay. but this fear kind of ruins it too.

meeting people is hard. talking to people is harder. developing a relationship thats meaningful and fun and nice and safe is even harder. there is no easy way to get what i want in life. i need to accept that and make babysteps and celebrate those little victories rather than be upset that im not at the finish line.

[sarahburness]

The Beauty of Doing Nothing: Why I’ve Embraced Being Unproductive

“Every good cause is worth some inefficiency.” ~Paul Samuelson

I made a mess yesterday. The mess is still there. Who knows when the mess will disappear.

The mess provided me with one of those sense-pleasing plates of food that lingers in the mind long after the last bite. The kind that makes you wonder if there is a rhyme and reason to our world after all. A plate of food so delectable it provided a raison for my être. (If only for a little while.)

But this story is not about the art of nourishing oneself. It is about dirty dishes and unfolded laundry. And also a little about unfulfilled potential and the beauty of living in the maybe.

You see, I have been living rather inefficiently lately. To-do lists have been decorating the inside of my recycling bin. I’ve been measuring my progress by the amount of naps taken, and I have forgone the opportunity to expand my productivity. Because productivity requires focused effort. And lately, effort has been spilling left and right, wasted a little here and a little there.

I’ve consciously decided to use my time frivolously, dipping in and out of idleness like a bag of crispy treats.

This newfound way of organizing my days still feels very fresh and raw to me. It comes after years of optimizing every aspect of my life. Formerly, I neatly arranged my life into one-hour timeslots in an attempt to mold a perfect career, body, and even perfect relationships. I tracked my success with a meticulous timesheet. And success I had (or so I thought).

I was ticking off one accomplishment after the other and always strived to be, do, and have more. Although strenuous, the method worked. Until one day, it didn’t.

About two years ago I woke up and nothing worked anymore. My body had decided to no longer cooperate with my frantic behavior. It had simply been worked too hard for too long, and it had nothing left to give.

Stubborn as I was, I treated my worn-out body like a new project. I took every vitamin in the book, quit sugar, quit gluten—basically quite everything tasty—did #yogaeverydamnday, went on social media detoxes, and hopped from one alternative healer to the next.

Nothing helped, and I became increasingly desperate. I had developed stubborn back pains, anxiety-inducing tinnitus, and crippling insomnia. My concoction of remedies did pretty much nothing for me. My will to live plummeted with each misshapen step to health.

And then a little (and at the same time big) miracle happened.

I decided to simply let go. I surrendered to the sleepy eyes and the fuzzy brain and the profound, yet inexplicable sadness inside of me. I let go of trying to make it go away.

I tossed my strict diet and exercise regimes in the bin. I didn’t meditate anymore at times when I would rather sleep, or spend money on health practitioners at times when I would rather spend money on a movie ticket.

I simply let go and accepted my current reality. I gave in to the impermanence of life and accepted that I could no longer do what I was once able to do. In return, I have received a gloriously inefficient approach to life and a deep sense of the present moment.

Let me illustrate what this means with a typical Saturday in my current life:

6.30 AM – I wake up in accordance with my natural body clock. I vow to no longer wake up so early on weekends.

9.00 AM – I am still in bed.

9.15 AM – I get up and make myself a simple porridge. I proceed to eat this for the next hour and a half. The porridge gets cold halfway through. I vow to eat a little quicker next time.

11.45 AM – I proceed to alternate between reading my book and dosing off for short periods of time.

2.00 PM – I have a short lunch and contrast this with a long stroll in the park afterward.

4:00 PM – I make an attempt to write, but mainly just stare at a blank piece of paper. I vow to stare at a blank piece of paper more often.

5 PM – I start preparing a meal. I don’t use a recipe, but the dish is surprisingly tasty. I vow to use fewer recipes going forward.

7.00 PM – I pick up my book but decide to do a mindful stretch instead.

9.00 PM – I wanted to do a meditation before bed, but the stretching has lulled me into a sleep-like state. After a day of doing nothing much at all—especially not the dishes—I go to bed early.

I vow to do the dishes tomorrow. Or perhaps the day after tomorrow. (I have no intention of keeping any of my vows.)

I know there are still so many runs to be ran, works to be worked on, and loves to be loved.

But lately all the runs and the works and the loves have had to wait. Wait in order to make room for all the nothings I have been neglecting for too long. The nothings that have been patiently accumulating in my mind and are now pouring out with urgency.

Nothing has been more important than those nothings and the inefficiencies that come along with them. There are, of course, still occasional runs and works and loves. But mainly a lot of naps.

When life doesn’t move forward it moves backward, they say. But was life really that backward, back in the day? What I mean to say is that it seems silly to me. To run around and produce all of the greatness. Greatness that allows us to be seen, and heard, and held, and kept. By our friends and our lovers, our colleagues and our neighbors. Yet is it good to be great? Or is it greater to just be? Like a two-year-old child. Like back in the day.

The neighbors’ grass might be greener, but I wonder if they have time to lie on it.

To look at the clouds passing by. To feel the breeze on their cheeks and hear the birds in their ears. To dream about the life they’ve lived so far. The life to come. And the life better left for another round. The neighbors might have cleaned their dishes, but I doubt their naps are as glorious as mine.

Perhaps tomorrow I will be productive again. After all, balance is key. But not today.

Because today, I risk wasting my time for a chance at feeling alive.

About Lizzy Dean

Lizzy is a dreamer and a writer from the UK. After a health crisis in 2016, she now chronicles her attempts at cultivating a slower and more meaningful life on her blog Lizzyfied. On this platform, she explores how to live in the question and anchor into the present in a non-judgemental and (self-)compassionate way.

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