#ive said before like the reason being a woman is part of my gender is because i was raised as a girl

[omgsomeonesomewhereonearth]

I started a whole fucking thinkpiece in the tags and then they told me i was out of tags aaaaaaaaaaaaa

other as in other than your agab, not other than your gender. so for eg a cis woman reading this the question is if you were amab would you be a trans woman do you think

[ryuichirou]

Replies

A big one about ships, a couple of follow-ups, a couple of random twst-related ones (there is one about yandere!Ortho)!

Anonymous asked:

i also notice that uhh, you ship f/f and m/m but not f/m? (I mean ofc twst has Three Women Total but ive heard of women in series you've liked before), does f/m feel weird to you? do you just happen to not ship any of it?? i mean im not judging or anything, i only like m/m LOL.

also on this topic, since ive been meaning to ask,. you only call katsu your partner, not anything gendered, so does that mean they're nonbinary?? (i assume katsu reads stuff on your blog/you read stuff together so KATSU PLEASE PLEASE INFLUENCE YOUR PARTNER TO DRAW MORE FISH NEOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Hi Anon!

We do have some het ships, but they really are rare. We talked about it at some point, here are the posts: 1, 2. Katsu was kind enough to find them… But it was ages ago (3 years ago, in fact), so I’ll talk about it again!

It isn’t weird for us to ship f/m; and if the dynamic is our “type”, we’ll very likely to gravitate towards the said ship. A good example of one of our favourite het ships is Eren and Annie from SnK. They have a lot of features and elements of our favourite m/m and f/f ships: one is passionate, determined, stubborn and a bit dumb (due to being blinded by his own determination), the other one is quiet, snarky, a kind of depressed and looks unapproachable, but actually has a soft spot for the first one.

And the girl doesn’t always have to be the “passive” one, because a lot of our favourite het ships could be described as “a bossy woman/a pushover guy that complains a lot”. Like Jordan Sullivan/Perry Cox from the tv series “Scrubs”.  So the guy bitches about how much of a Satan she is and how miserable she makes him, and he clearly knows just how villainous she could be, and yet for some reason the moment she stops torturing him with her attention, he is suddenly lost and confused. Basically, it’s either this, or the previous dynamic for the most part lol

If the ship is fun to play around with, we’ll ship it, even if it’s f/m. We don’t have anything against it in general. But we do have a bias towards f/f and m/m ships that is partially caused by the fact that our favourite dynamics are more likely to exist within those. And of course because the same sex ships are less likely to get canonized and therefore reduced to “happily ever after” in canon… which is something that we absolutely hate :(

And to answer your second question: Katsu isn’t non-binary; it’s just that the pronounces that we use are all over the place. It’s mostly due to the fact we use masculine form when talking to each other (and a lot of our friends) in Russian, mostly out of habit: a lot of people of our generation did (or still do) that either for the sake of sounding more neutral or because they used to roleplay male characters. I’m simplifying it a lot though; it’s kind of one hell of a can of worms that works differently for different people lol This is why you can really use any pronoun when talking about us, it doesn’t really matter that much. Katsu called me a “he” in one of the Nebula replies a couple of weeks ago lol and likes it more in general.

But technically Katsu and I are each other’s girlfriends. We can’t get married, so this status is permanent, but it doesn’t sound that serious, I guess.

And worry not, Katsu has heard your prayers… the other day we were actually shocked to learn that it’s been quite a while since we’ve posted anything fish-related, wow yikes! Gotta fix that!

Anonymous asked:

Hi, a little late but about the twst girls post... I still think about Jamil's vulva... her pink flesh stick out so shyly... that's the outcome of her hard work as Kalim's servant! haha 😵‍💫🤭🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

Anooon! Thank you so much <3 I love talking about the twst girls very much, so I am very happy that you still think about it. I put my entire heart into Jamil’s…. yep. That part that Kalim looks at every time they take a bath together. And do other things.

We do have an ask about all the girlies’ private parts, and I am in the process of writing it. I really hope to finish it soon, and you just motivated me even more 💪😔💕

Anonymous asked:

The tapis rouge event isn't even over yet and I'm already wondering who they're going to choose if they decide to make an extra ssr card like silk Vil and applepom Jamil. Based on the group they have in this event, Floyd seems to be the most likely candidate. Maybe Ace and Jamil are feeling generous! I could also see Azul getting his hands on an extra outfit and just handing it to the tweels going "you guys can figure it out" and letting them decide. If I had to choose anyone, I would like for Azul to give it to Idia, just to see him uncomfortable in fancy clothes (also the fact that it's a gift from Azul... The ultimate betrayal!!!). Who would you choose?

Oh good question!!

I would love to see either Floyd or Jade, they would look great, especially Floyd, considering the fact that he is also quite a stylish guy lol I can also picture Azul just giving them an extra outfit so the tweels could fight for it. But even in that scenario Jade is going to let Floyd have it, I think….

However, for some reason if feel like they’re going to pick someone from a different dorm. So Idia actually would be a great pick. I feel like it’s been a while since he had Non-Birthday SSR cards..? I might be biased because I really love the guy and would LOVE to see him suffer while wearing high fashion. The more I think about it, the more I want this to actually happen wow lol

Anonymous asked:

sometimes I forget if I put myself anonymously. anyways, opinions on yandere Ortho? stuff like Ortho possibly messing with idias brain or TW:body modification

possibly changing his brothers body so they can be together forever? like replacing his limbs with robotic ones that type of stuff

You’re good, Anon; and if you suddenly realize that you wanted to send something via Anon, just tell us and we won’t post your username!

We talked about yandere Ortho quite a lot, here are some of the posts on this topic: 1, 2.

But actually! I believe we never really talked about things that you’ve mentioned, which is a shame, because this is such a hot idea. Saying goodbye to Idia sounds like something that Ortho would never want to happen, so he really might start modifying Idia’s body while he is still young. One day Idia is just going to wake up with his legs cut off, because Ortho suddenly decided that it’s time to start. Why didn’t he talk about it with Idia first? Well, it’s better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission, right? Hehe~

Anonymous asked:

Re: Eric and the teachers meeting

Maybe during parent-teacher meetings? 👀

Could be! But this is too brief of a meeting I think… well, doesn’t matter, if we ever get the urge to ship Eric with anyone, we’ll find a way. 👀

Anonymous asked:

wait a minute. if those previous anons do take over jade and idias spot wont they end up together???

OH SHOOT YOU’RE RIGHT.

Damn. I hope those two Anons have fun. Jade will sit there and watch. And force Idia to also watch.

[hideawaysis]

Uhmm,,,Sorry to bother you but the term lesboy is problematic since it basically says that all trans men are just confused lesbians and uh,,,,Yeah I think it's obvious why that's super wrong,,It makes me and a ton of other transmascs super dysphoric to basically just be called women

Sincerely, a gay trans boy.

okay, there is so much going on here, so let's unpack it together! it'll be cool and fun and Awesome.

1. the term lesboy does not basically just say that All trans men are confused lesbians. literally where did you get that from. the term lesboy is not talking about you, it's mostly talking about those with masculine gender identities who are attracted to women in a way they'd consider queer in nature. you aren't that, but we'll talk about that when we get to that point. also "i think it's obvious why that's super wrong" it's not actually. because thats not what the label is doing.

2. "it makes me and other trans men dysphoric" ohhhhh im sooooo sowwy that my existence makes you soooooo dysphoric want me to kneel at your feet??? want me to kiss your toes??? want me to bake you a batch of cookies or kill myself or something??? hey, maybe the reason the lesboy label makes you dysphoric is because it ISN'T FOR YOU. it wasn't a label made for you in mind, it was a label made for people who, as i said before, have masculine gender identities and are attracted to women in a queer way.

3. you say it makes you dysphoric to "basically just be called a woman," and though ive already explained why that's bullshit, you're also ignoring that, lesboys aside, Not All Lesbians Are Women. nonbinary lesbians are a thing too and it's weird to not consider them in your argument.

4. and now we have the most baffling part of the ask: YOU ARENT EVEN ATTRACTED TO WOMEN!!!! YOU ARE GAY!!!! YOU ARE EXCLUSIVELY ATTRACTED TO MEN AND TELLING ME I CANT LIKE WOMEN IN THE WAY THAT I DOCBECAUSE IT HURTS YOUR PWECIOUS FEEWINGS!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!

genuinely please do some research on the labels you're uncomfortable with or dont understand the next time you send people shit like this. and also if you see somebody being themself and it makes YOU dysphoric, don't make that their problem!!!! they are literally just chilling leave them alone!!!! keep that to yourself man that is so fuckin hurtful 😭

okay rant over. im gonna go back to being a freak bye anonnnnnn

[kansasjean]

times like these im forced to reckon with weird shit alone but im thinking back on something that happened with my ex. prior to us dating he had this friend who was the cute flavor of beautiful and skinny (my worst nightmare) and they would get drunk and watch anime together (two things I couldn't do because I have GERD + I only watch girl animes). the night we first admitted our feelings for each other he literally ditched me to go hang out with her and her situationship (?). anyway we started dating and she got really weird to me. she already didn't like me despite the fact I was one of the few women defending her from the misogynistic ass loser men she chose to be friends with but whatever. we weren't friends by any stretch of the word so I get it she had no loyalty because I chose to have morals.

so one night me and the ex were making on each other and she calls him at 1 am. im like what the fuck? and I got up out of that bed so quick. he ignores it but I was peeved. so later he texts her to figure out wtf the phone call was about. they text back and forth with immediate responses for a few minutes. finally she was like heyyy omg im having a party and I want you to come <3333. unfortunately for him, I was with him so he had to text back "can Kansas come?" and I shit u not. no response for hours. like girl. I was PISSED. especially because she had invited the entire floor of film majors and excluded me.

so later I was forcing my ex to watch The Simpsons with me in the common area big ass tv. this woman comes out. im like >:(. but she starts talking to him while eating a whole loaf of wonder bread like some fetish artists wet dream. she's like so are... you guys going to come. and I was like no. we're friggin busy. anyway so awkward plussss I forgot that earlier in the week she made fun of my outfit in front of my ex and he didn't say shit. it was a baller ass outfit too. I was serving whimsigoth. so whatever I hated her.

the part where shit gets really weird is he ends up blocking her without asking me. NOW BEFORE THE INSTAGRAM REELS COMMENTERS GET ME let me explain why I didn't like this. multiple times I asked him to just be honest about their relationship and what had happened between them. im fully supportive of cross-gender friendships, and although I sound really snarky and mad in this rant, at the time I was very supportive of him continuing their friendship as long as she stopped being flirty. all he ever told me was "I informed her we were dating now." and that was supposed to make everything better. and for a month or so I thought it did. we had had no new problems. but then all of a fucking sudden you HAVE to block her?

I will admit I had bad-mouthed her to people for a really long time over the sneaky shit she did when she knew ex and I were together. ive learned my lesson but at the same time, if you are openly flirting with people in relationships, you deserve to get what's coming to you. but I still think I coulda taken a fuckin Xanax about it idk. I blame my own actions and choices but the BPD def contributed,,,,,,,,, not an excuse but I think we gotta call a spade a spade and then try to beat that spade to death in therapy

anyway one time I got in an argument with my ex because he was shitting on her for her personality and like yeah I defended her because I don't know and I don't care. I was like if she's such a horrible, crazy person why were you friends with her? anyway he said it was because he was only friends with women he found hot LOL and then admitted to thinking she was hot LOL and that the only reason he wasn't with her is because "she was crazy" LOL

ugh I just spent 30 minutes writing this and then had dinner and now I don't wanna think about this anymore because it makes me feel suicidal like I wanna rip all the veins out of my fucking wrists fuck my life and the worst part is ill never find someone willing to tolerate me ever again

[sincelastsession]

Joshua that number I left for my past EMDR therapist is the only way I've gotten in touch with her. I did request my records, she said she'd send them. They weren't delivered ever. I really really do want to get my files from her I am entitled to a copy via state law. It contains a fuck ton about me that I really feel will help because the sheer amount of traumas to bring up again is going to jar me trying to list em out. I feel like it'll definitely assist you on my treatment plan greatly because we did A LOT.

I assume that there's a place files of this nature are supposed to go?

I assume you would know who to call to help me secure them? Or perhaps we could find out. Even if you don't want to use them...I would very much like a copy of her files on me.

I can sign paperwork for you next session for you to get my files if I haven't and idk who else you'd like to talk to or option to chat with other than psychiatrist and primary care but I'll sign documents with them.

I think she still has a profile on psychology today and email...but the text number I left has been my only way to catch her...

I don't want to be nasty but if she can't produce my files I will call a lawyer. Because yes they'll be great for therapy but I asked a while back.

I'm going to send an image of your card to her and request she leave a voice-mail or talk to Chelsea so we can get that done.

It's just BOTHERING me.

I do understand your treatment style us very different.

Also fuck Robyn. I got so much "feedback" to say about her. She takes literal young men and women who are struggling and honestly I see those patients struggling more with thier gender identity and transitioning. I don't think she's safe for LGBTQA+ folks. That's imo something that should be between a psychiatrist and endo foremost before hitting therapy. Like ive spoken to mine about it and we have different views but now that I have I can open up abt that. Like she invited a client to her home. I feel she pushed a bi male into transitioning and imo the trans ppl I know are happy and she doesn't seem happy now at all. She told me to break up with my now ex and treated me like a liar and literally sessions with her felt like interrogation and SUPER judgy and she was VERY FAKE with my parents who were ofc putting on a show for her.

I cannot begin to explain how well my parents are at manipulating therapists and turning it into everything being on me and as soon as I say something in response or try to blow their cover it's WILD because the one thing they don't realize they do is thier facial expressions. They'll either over mask or forget to do it. They always trip up.

Mom likes to play victim and very clueless kind. Dad does this in a different manner, he's subject to get pissed and walk out or raise his voice unless he's gonna act right because you're not a woman.

The weirdest part of having been raised by these people. The way I've studied them since childhood to please them. They adapt and use therapy against me. They don't remember what they've said or done. They seem put out by me telling them "hey what you did was fuckin wrong and yeah I've brought it up before and you shut down and we never settled it" then they'll be like "you just love to hold grudges" etc... but it's not that. I'd like to process it all or what I can. The reason it comes up over and over is because it's not going into memories to be forgotten in my brain. It's just hanging out in the fuckin trauma bay. Like a packed ER.

I am open to whatever type of family therapy is beneficial. Often times my dad is nasty to my mom when she's calling or texting about me. I don't think she deserves any bullshit if she's just relaying a message.

Like they got divorced and still fight like idiot assholes.

She left and I had a fucked up back and was a stoner and kept to myself because my father treated me like a partner to abuse and daughter to control and there's a ton of emotional incest. Dad also talks to young ppl online and what I saw years ago looked like grooming behavior and poor pity me with women of age I hope but still younger than me. Probably because many older men try to influence young women and never emotionally mature correctly and actually accept their age. I remember him on dating sites complaining about how ugly certain women were whose profiles imo were quite lovely and impressive. He acts sorta like an incel.

My sister you'll probably see straight through. She's an actress.

I do want to see with a few sessions if it may be possible to salvage anything with any of them.

What's upsetting is that though I have a poor sense of self...they don't really know me or seem to want to know me.

My psychiatrist thinks it's due to me not being healthy and also that I'm not married and doing the "normal" thing so there's resentment.

Since NONE of them listen to anything I have to say because they're all under the impression I'm trying to control them based on well nothing other than I'm gonna guess THE PAST.

They think I'm frantic. They haven't really read anything about what I deal with. They don't listen to listen. They listen to reply and they cherry pick and twist things I say to mean things they don't.

I don't know how to have a conversation with any of them without them exploding. My dad and mom have literally put me on speaker and walked off and my sister idfk last time I tried to speak to her she was FADED and I hung up.

They all have excuses.

It hurts that they won't accept and educate themselves like my friends do. It's not hard.

I fear they are both VERY mentally unwell and I'd really like to hear what you think.

I do have audio I keep forgetting to show you. I feel it's important and it will give you an idea of what a "light" encounter with them both while having a fucked up back and asking for help because I couldn't do laundry on my own sounds like. I recorded it because it'd already been happening that day and they do the narccistic tornado and I wanted to make sure my words weren't twisted more.

I wish I had more recorded. It's wild.

I'm concerned my dad is fucking with Piper's head but she's already a shitshow (I love my sister but I'm gonna fuss about her crap still)

I feel like I'm playing Squid Games and talking to any of them is a test.

My dad has told me to kill myself and to die and he's left me alone in the hospital after relieving my mom where I was then abused and left in a waiting room with a dead phone and no way to go pee for HOURS because my back was out.

We almost sued OLOL for the maltreatment.

This is not the first time I've been left alone in a hospital and abused.

People think I'm a hypochondriac but I just have a special interest in medical. I grew up in medical environments. Knowing as much as I can retain has kept me safe from further misdiagnosis and malpractice bullshit. I wish I could actually just gent sent to a mayo clinic or idk one of the big hospitals where they use diagnosticians and run you through the gambit.

I know it's not a thing unless ppl are very sick. I mean it was traumatic as a child to be put in NIH testing for a Dermatomyositis study. I don't remember meeting other kids. I just met Ted Kennedy one day while I was playing waiting on another test. It was scary being like 8 and seeing secret service fill a room and guard a door so he could have a photo with me. He did talk to me a ton and I really don't remember what he said. My parents were thrilled and I'm sure there's a cat piss stained picture somewhere.

Did you know that my sister and dad just threw a ton of my things away and donated or tossed most of my books. I had a massive bookshelf. Now it's covered with things that are mine and shit my sister used to make her room aesthetic without asking me.

It has always been hard to go home and get anything from her. I really just want to take everything that was or is mine. Things I gave her and things she stole.

I don't think she realizes I have 2yrs to file a report on the assault and I could take her to court for emotional distress too and probably more.

I've never gotten justice for any of the things that have happened to me.

I wish I could just send all thier asses to prison but they wouldn't survive.

They all think I won't do anything. That's been taunted at me.

They have no clue. They have no clue what they created and they have no clue what goes on in my head.

Sometimes I think that there's something supernatural at play.

I believe in those sorts of things. I don't talk about it much enthusiastically because ofc people like to shit on it.

I know most of the things that haven't been proven by science will eventually be.

I know that also it does exist. Our govt wouldn't have done studies to use ppl with ability for war purposes.

I know a lot of cold reading is fueled by trauma. I don't like to cold read. I think people who sell cold reads etc are just very good at telling others what they want to hear...or they're so desperate they will truly take advice.

When I read things come through and there's this process. It's mind's eye where pictures and words come through. Then I just ask about what I see or deliver whatever messages. I was pushed out of a group that was threatened by my reading. They were threatened because they are frauds. If a message doesn't make sense for someone then I tell them to just take what makes sense. It's often like a crowded room when I read for people. It's been a while since I tried beyond simple shit. I've scared the crap out of friends holding thier hand and reading them. Because they never told me about the people I relayed messages. I didn't just guess. I opened myself up to it and flooded in.

Sometimes I want to get Reiki certification so I can just do that for ppl. I was told by a master that I was a natural energy worker. I was told by native shamans that I was a gatekeeper. My grandmothers had thier little superstitious practices.

This is the part you'll probably want to ask more about if I haven't talked abt it. I've exorcized a demonic or spiritual entity out of a person before. There's no way to prove it. I know what I saw and heard. I wasn't high.

It makes me wonder how many cases are actually supernatural and how many are actually just mental illness.

Also it's been driving me insane Joshua but I know you somehow outside of therapy. I do wonder if we've just been at the same place at the same time more than once and that's why I remember your face or if we have many mutual ppl. This is a big city small town so who knows. I hope it doesn't fuck up th Or you have a doppelganger 🤷🏻‍♀️

Idk.

I think one reason ppl think me and Travis would be a pair is because he's just a really kind good person. This extends beyond me and to others he knows. His family really is picturesque. They are excellent people. He will make someone incredibly happy one day. I am really bothered by people passing him over. He's actually looking for a therapist. I wouldn't be bothered if any of my friends saw you as a patient. The whole "oh no we can't do therapy with people you know" thing imo is silly. People in this state all know each other to the point it's just goofy.

My partner called me all excited that he didn't have to work overnight. He called because he was going out and felt bad that he wouldn't get to chat with me and had planned on doing so and had been excited to do so. He actually said "I Love you" more than once and I told him to go have fun. Saying I Love you is difficult for him sometimes. Am I sad I'm not getting to talk to him? Yes. Am I happy he got out of a stressful work night to enjoy time with his buddies or other partner? Yes, why wouldn't I be? I do get sad that I can't be there but it's still better than half the mfers that are just overgrown fuckbois etc that don't even have the emotional maturity to call.

I'm gonna go smoke out, do smol bit of laundry in my travel laundry bucket thing, eat decent food, stay up to an asinine hour, and play Sims4.

Hopefully no dumb bullshit occurs.

I cannot and I'm not the one this evening.

Goodnight

[trans-bastard-dude]

you fool, you feel for my trap. lemme break your shit down :3

firstly, i never said dysphoria isn’t in any way part of being trans, i’m dysphoric but i know people who just ain’t (lucky bastards), they’re just trans. i wouldn’t call dysphoria a key part, i’d call it a largely shared experience, it being key entails necessity. And due to the nature of what dysphoria is, which is disteress over a mismatch of who you are and how you look/are perceived, it is suffering. plain and simple. you do have BS to deal with due to it, hell knows i do.

nextly, how am i invalidating someone for saying they are not/should not be defined by their disorders and such. i have a chronic illness, that shit defines me as much as the flu. it is something i deal with but i am not it. it is not undermining to say it isn’t a necessity to define yourself by any issue you do or don’t have.

and i know that due to dysphoria, we have fought tooth and nail for social recognition and medical care, which is all fine and dandy, but those who don’t have dysphoria are still entitled to those things. if they’re happy they’re happy. anyone legitimately can be trans, there is no box. trying to fit into cis normative boxes will not help you in the end. a man is a man no matter his appearance, a woman is a woman no matter her’s, people are who they say they are.

and i’d say cis people can, to some degree, feel gender dysphoria. dysmorphia of the body is self image, gender dysphoria is when your body doesn’t line up with what you see your gender as and freak out (simplistic definition but you get the idea). if a trans woman can feel like shit for not having boobs them be fine when the get surgeries to get them or grow them, why would it be different for a cis woman? both want the same part for the same reason: to feel like a woman.

i also never meant liking how you express yourself means you’re trans, i meant i think it would be better if we defined it with just as much ups as we do downs. when i realized i was trans i felt so awful about it because id been exposed to so much “everything is awful and i hate being trans this is a disease” shit that i thought “oh so this is hell”. and look, i’d hardly call it the best thing ever, but the joy i’ve felt has made it worth it. the happiness i got from wearing a binder made me feel worth something. and i haven’t heard that talked about as much as doomer stuff. which i get why it exists, ive been there, but if it’s all we define ourselves with, it will only hurt

and what i meant by “lgbtq is called queer because people think we’re weirdos” is “we don’t fit in to the boxes cisheteronormativity has set up, fuck the boxes, let them think we’re weird”. and maybe it’s just my upbringing, but i’ve always been proud to be a bit strange. weird=interesting and awesome. think about all the cool shit you know, 1/4 of it is probably the weirdest shit you’ve ever fucking heard, being weird isn’t always bad. if they’re gonna call us weird no matter what we do (which they fucking will), own it. that’s why queer is our word now, people went “well, may as well own this shit” and did so. all change comes from stepping out of line. by virtue of being trans, we have stepped out of line, so may as well run hell for leather from it and see where this goes, like those who came before us and those who came before them

oh great i saw something that made me mad, buckle up it’s rant time.

Transmedicalism is dumb. the idea that we have to tie shit to medical bs is dumb. you don’t need gender dysphoria to be trans, that’s fucking stupid

“but you’re making trans people look bad” we already look bad. being trans is a form of being queer. lgbt were called queer as a slur at the start, queer fucking means WEIRD. we are, in the society as it stands, fucking weirdos. own it. be the weird bastard you were born to be

“but being trans has lead to me suffering so much it must be a medical thing!” nah. you suffer because your situation is utter ass. i do not need to fit into your silly ass box to be trans, i’m me and me trans. you’re dysphoria and situation being terrible doesn’t mean everyone else’s should be.

the idea that dysphoria is needed to be trans is also dumb because like… cis people get it to. let’s say for example that a woman gets a double mastectomy due to cancer, she might feel like shit after and feel better after getting breast implants, that’s a form of gender dysphoria, but she ain’t trans is she?

and it only takes certain types of dysphoria and euphoria into account, like what about the tran gals who feel the most like women when they’re being tomboys? it’s all just so… STUPID

like come ON, why do i need to suffer to be? i suffer enough, let me be me. if you class your existence by your suffering, you will die a broken person. i do not need to suffer to be a man.

if you follow my page and are a trans med, truscum, whatever the fuck you call yourselves, leave and don’t let the door hit you on your way out.

may this post become a blocklist for all those who are sane as i am.

[itsthenovelteafactor]

Fall of the House of Hargreeves

So I mentioned a while back in my Superhero Gothic meta that there were a number of parallels between the season one finale of The Umbrella Academy and the Edgar Allen Poe short story The Fall of the House of Usher and that I could probably write a whole meta on that if anyone was interested. Shout out and love to the anon who requested that I do that! 

It’s been a minute since I’ve done one of these long form metas, but I am very excited to get back to writing about two of my favorite things: gothic literature and chaotic superheroes. 

Part I: The Fall of the House of Usher

The Fall of the House of Usher (which I’ll call House of Usher for convenience for the rest of this meta) is a short story by Edgar Allen Poe first published in 1939. It is considered a classic gothic short story, and deals with themes of family, madness, inheritance, and isolation. 

Since it’s in the public domain, I’ll go ahead and link a pdf to the story here. If you aren’t interested in reading, though, or just want a refresher, the story follows an unnamed narrator going to visit his ill friend, a man named Roderick Usher in his isolated (and very spooky) family estate. Upon arrival, he discovers that Roderick’s sister, Madeline Usher, is also ill, and has a tendency to fall into dreamlike trances.

Over the course of the visit, Roderick confesses to the narrator that not only does he believe the house is alive, but that it is connected to the fate of the family which, at this point, only includes Roderick and Madeline. He later comes and tells the narrator that Madeline has died, and enlists his help in order to bury her in the family tomb beneath the house. They do so, but for the next couple of days Roderick is suspiciously...on edge. 

Then, one dark and stormy night, Roderick shows up in the narrator’s room incredibly worked up, and throws open the window, and starts low-key (read: high-key) having a breakdown. The narrator is unsure as to why until he hears ripping and tearing sounds coming from somewhere in the house. These ripping and tearing sounds are revealed to be Madeline whom Roderick and the narrator buried alive whose appearance scares Roderick to death, right before she collapses, also dead from the strain of tearing through the foundations of the house.

The narrator decides this would probably be a good time to leave and is very much right about that because as soon as he leaves, the house (which was already in pretty bad shape) splits in two and collapses into the lake surrounding it. The end.

Part II: Umbrella Academy as Gothic

So, there are probably a couple similarities between House of Usher and The Umbrella Academy season one that stand out right off the bat, but I’d like to start by taking a step back to talk about thematic parallels between the two works. If you’d like to read a very long winded explanation of why I consider The Umbrella Academy to be a modern gothic tale, I have a really long meta about it. 

If not, here’s a quick overview:

Gothic does not have a clearly defined set of requirements as a genre, but its purpose is to explore the contradictions and the failing edifices of convention in a way that is dramatic and often fantastic. 

Gothic fiction plays with reality, but usually in a way that is representative of the characters and story. 

It often situates itself during times of great change, as there is something haunting about the irreversible passage of time, particularly for those that struggle to acknowledge it and hide behind conventions that have grown increasingly irrelevant. 

Poe is considered one of the classic authors of gothic fiction (though the genre significantly predates him), and is decidedly one of the best well-known examples of it. 

The Umbrella Academy is a family drama about former child superheroes dealing with their trauma while trying to prevent an apocalypse that their every move seems to set further in motion. It explores the messy and complicated relationships between siblings who have been abused and pit against each other for years. And yeah, it’s fun with great music and talking gorillas and dance sequences, but the premise is kind of hard for me to read as anything other than gothic.

Part III: Parallels

Like House of Usher, the first season of Umbrella Academy takes place in a massive, largely empty mansion where siblings gather with disastrous consequences. Both works explore a family that is past their prime and disconnected from the present. They also both explore the psychological toll of isolation, the consequences of tyrannical family rules, and why it is a really bad idea to lock your unstable sister in a basement and just leave her there. 

Let’s start with some thematics parallels. Everyone in House of Usher is extremely isolated, and the absence of anything resembling the modern world amongst the house full of relics is part of the horror. All of the siblings in Umbrella Academy are defined by their isolation as well, physically (Luther, Five, and Ben), socially (Vanya, Diego, Klaus, and Allison), and emotionally (legit all of them). It is this isolation that drives the conflict of the story, feeding into every characters’ choices. 

In both House of Usher and Umbrella Academy, the main characters are trapped in this isolated state as a direct result of their familial legacy. In House of Usher, the titular house is a character itself, a manifestations of the obligations Madeline and Roderick hold as members of an aristocratic family that is so far divorced from wealth and status that it keeps them from ever fully moving on and rejoining the real world. In Umbrella Academy, the characters are similarly trapped by their familial legacy, this time in the form of the specter of their abusive father, and the roles he created for them. Like the Usher siblings, the Hargreeves have no way of maintaining the roles their family left out for them – they were never given the tools to function in the real world and it cripples them – but are trapped in them regardless. 

Part IV: The Woman* in White 

*As of the time I am writing this, nothing has been said regarding Vanya’s gender identity being written to match Elliot Page’s. I am using she/her pronouns for Vanya, as that is what has been used for the character thus far. 

Aside from thematic parallels, however, the most direct connection between the short story and series, and in fact the reason I was inspired to write this meta in the first place is the way both of the stories end: with a sister trapped beneath the house clawing her way out to face her brother(s and sister) and creating a disruption of the family legacy so great that the entire estate crumbles.

Madeline Usher is described at this point as wearing a white dress, strained with the injuries she sustained from physically breaking herself out of the basement tomb her brother buried her alive in. Vanya, of course, becomes at this moment the White Violin, and though she has not yet had the epic violin-music-so-powerful-it-changes-the-color-of-her-clothes scene, the principal still stands.

As characters, there are also a couple of noteworthy parallels between Vanya and Madeline. The narrator at one point describes “the illness of the lady Madeline had lone been beyond the help of her doctors. She seemed to care about nothing” (Poe, 27). The reader never knows what illness precisely is the cause of Madeline’s apparent madness, but we see the effects. It dulls her emotional responses to situations and leaves her withdrawn and powerless. Similarly, we learn over the course of the first season of The Umbrella Academy that the medication Reginald Hargreeves prescribed Vanya for her anxiety is actually a power suppressor for her abilities that has much the same effect – because they are strengthened by extreme emotion, the drugs numb Vanya’s emotional responses and deprive her of the ability to access her powers.

Additionally, the final scene of the story story shows Madeline escaping her tomb during a great storm and going to face her brother who put her there, the storm itself being a metaphor for her anguish that tears the house apart. Vanya’s connection to the destruction of the house is a bit more literal, but it is similarly a manifestation of her anguish and trauma. She sees flashbacks of her siblings being distant and rude to her in their childhoods and the anger she feels rips the foundation apart. 

It is not entirely clear in the short story why Roderick buries Madeline alive – there are a lot of theories: he genuinely believed she was dead, he wanted her out of the picture, he himself was succumbing to the madness of the house, etc – but the guilt he feels for doing so manifests as him hearing her scraping her way out for several days preceding her escape. The justification for Vanya’s imprisonment is more clear in text, but the series of flashbacks make it clear that it is not just the imprisonment that has driven her over the edge. It it guilt for her sister, anger at her abusive upbringing that is much more easily directed at her siblings than her father, the newfound emotions experienced by being off her medication for the first time since childhood, Leonard’s manipulations, etc. 

In both cases, amidst a spiral of emotions and experiences folding in on themselves, Vanya and Madeline experience a single, cold moment of clarity that drives them to escape, and it is that moment of clarity that breaks the shadow of the family legacy. They observe the situation as it stands and realize that it is completely unacceptable, and it is the realization that leads everything to crumble. Because gothic literature is focused on the complexities of maintaining that which is out of date, the realization that things must change can break the spell.

Part V: Conclusions 

As per usual, I have no great theories on why this is or what it means. One of the reasons I love gothic literature is that it is rife with meaning that can be more easily felt than deciphered. I welcome any and all interpretations, theories, (politely worded) disagreements, and comments. 

Thanks for taking the time to read; I have a lot of fun doing these. Enjoy spooky season, y’all. ��

[givemearmstopraywith]

I'm not catholic but my fav saint is maria goretti, tell me why yours is joan of arc :0

content warning: non-explicit mentions of sexual assault, possibly transphobia. 

i am not catholic either, ive never been confirmed or even baptized although i attended the catholic church when i was a teenager and it sparked a very spicy little journey into atheism. my road here has been.....weird. we won’t dwell on it. ah, maria...such a sad and beautiful story, i can see why she’s your favourite.

i’ve thought about this a lot since you sent it trying to come up with an answer. joan of arc has been my favourite saint since i was very young. i was raised jewish and i was still obsessed with her (granted my mom comes from a catholic family, so it’s an easy jump to make, but still- i don’t even remember really hearing about her or learning about her, she’s just sort of been there all my life). she’s well known, yes, and with good reason: but perhaps, for me, it always felt a little deeper, as if she were my patron or something. which sounds ridiculous and a little self-aggrandizing, i understand this, but perhaps it really comes down to being an afab non-binary person and there very genuinely being a saint who i see myself in. 

joan of arc was, yes, charged with heresy. but heresy was only a capital crime if it was a second offence: the reality is that joan was executed for cross-dressing. this is a complex issue, given how she dressed during her trials and the way it both implicated and absolved her; for the most part she wore male clothing, and many historians theorize that it was because it prevented her from being assaulted by guards. in her trial she even mentioned that an english lord attempted to assault her, and given that she was held in the castle of rouen, then under the control of the earl of warwick, and not an in ecclesiastical prison as would have been customary for a heretic, this is particularly disturbing and telling. of course, the real issue was not that she was crossdressing. the real issue was that she had power: over men, over kings, over the tide of warfare, and she was given this power from the divine. they simply wanted her dead. but i often think about this part of her trial:

Asked if she wanted a woman's dress, she answered: "Give me one. I will take it and go: otherwise I will not have it, and am content with this, since it pleases God that I wear it."

reading the transcripts of her trial its like....this is someone to whom gender did not matter, because there was only God. her body, whatever gender was ascribed to it by people, was simply a vessel filled with divine power. the fact that she was considered a woman by those around her did not matter to her. she was not encumbered by her sex. like this:

The said Jeanne unashamedly walked with men, refusing to have the company or care of womenfolk, and wished to employ only men whom she made serve in the private offices of her room and in her secret affairs, a thing unseen and unheard of in a modest or devout woman."

To this fifty-fourth article, Jeanne answers that her government was through men; as for where she lodged or slept at night, she usually had a woman with her; when she was fighting, she would lie fully dressed and armed, if there was no woman to be found. 

and again, when asked what voice forbade her from sharing certain aspects of her mysticism with her inquisitors:

Believe me, it was not men who forbade me.

i spent two years doing a history degree before switching to literature, and i know better than to ascribe modern standards and values to historic figures. but i am genuinely, and have always been, fascinated by the relationship joan has with patriarchy, with womanhood- or lack of it. because i think that for joan....she wasn’t a woman. she wasn’t a man either. she had no gender- she had all genders- because she was simply a vessel for the will of God. again, this excerpt from her trial, i think sums it up best, and i think about this all the time:

Again we required her to swear, precisely and absolutely. Then she answered that she would willingly say what she knew, but not all. She said also that she came from God, and that there is nothing for her to do here, and asked to be sent back to God, from whom she came.

so does it come down to a gender experience? it does. and it comes down to the fact that i’ve always wanted a sword. and it comes down to the fact that i, too, have been ridiculed and misunderstood for my faith. it comes down to her suffering greatly, for the great enigma of who she was and how, exactly, a peasant girl changes the tide of a war, and what exactly the relationship she had with God was, all things i cannot speculate on because it isn’t my place- i know only what is in my heart. it also comes down to the fact that joan regularly appears to me in visions, which i’m not going to get into, and my fascination over her relationship with gilles de rais, who was in her coterie and later become one of history’s most prolific serial killers (which i’ve spoken about before). there’s a lot going on with it and i’m sure this is a lot more than you bargained for in terms of a reply, and i’m very sorry!!!

(source for her trial)

[mxpseudonym]

Just Good Business III

Pairing: Tommy x Reader

Reader Gender Expression: She/Her pronouns, “wife”

Summary: Reminding Tommy that he didn’t marry a fool was the greatest thing to happen to your bedroom.

Length: 1650 words (allegedly)

Warnings: 18+, sex, hints of rough sex, cursing, and as usual, underlying tones of forced/arranged marriage

A/N: There’s a forehead kiss and a sprinkling of Dom!Tommy in here for your patience! I am pretty sure I’m going to have this be a total of five parts. Part IV may not come right away because I’m in the middle of a WIP though.

Part I | Part II | Part IV

Reminding Tommy that he hadn't married a fool set several things in motion. First and foremost, you and Polly managed to successfully persuade your husband into conducting family business, not that it was hard. You knew London quite well, and one glance at the Eden Club's books had you asking Arthur if he could count to ten. Much of the above-board dealings in London were now your responsibility- properties, charities, and a social life that allowed you to see your friends more often.

Unfortunately, this meant regularly making the trip to Birmingham for the family meetings you'd been avoiding. It wasn't so much the meetings as it was Birmingham itself. One has no great hopes of Birmingham, as they say. However, there was a significant consolation that made it all worth it. 

Tommy Shelby, in action, turned you on. 

Actually, it was one of many things about Tommy that turned you on. With Tommy's guilt out of the way, you saw him around the house more. He came to bed, albeit late, nearly every night, and you got at least two breakfasts out of him a week. Along with finding that Tommy was much funnier than he let on when he wasn't talking about work, you also noticed that you had much in common. Tommy was as stubborn and prideful as you were. After six months, you still credited happenings between you with a desire to conduct good business- and business was excellent. Stubbornness, pride, your appetite for adventure, and Tommy's addiction to risk resulted in one shameless, exciting sex life.

You'd had partners before. Why deny yourself the world's physical pleasures? But while none could keep up with your desire to find and push boundaries, Tommy had mastered it. You thought you'd have to ease him into it, but it really just took you asking, "What are you going to do, Thomas? Spank me?" while bickering to get you on the same page. 

Not that Tommy wasn't enjoying himself as well. He'd met his match in his back talking, neck biting, hair pulling new wife he could hardly bring himself to say no to. What was coming to work late more often or your hands down his trousers while driving the Bentley in the grand scheme of things? 

So at the Birmingham family meetings, there was something about the way he was no-nonsense when he firmly told you where to sit and give updates when asked. If you were both being honest, while you loved taking orders from Tommy in the bedroom sometimes, you were on the fast track to giving them too. For now, you watched with thighs pressed together, and bottom lip pulled between teeth as he commanded the room. 

After Arthur wrapped up the meeting, you'd meant to mingle with your sister in law, but were quickly distracted. Ada didn't need to follow your gaze to know what was stopping you from listening to a word she said. 

"Good god, stop staring at my brother like that," Ada pleaded. You looked at her only long enough to say, 

"I almost wish I could say I was sorry." You had just caught Tommy's eye and smiled. "He can be quite good looking." 

"Ugh, okay, he's coming over here. I'm going to find Finn," Ada scoffed, then all but ran away only to have Tommy replace her.  

"Can I help you?" he asked, amusement evident in his voice. You chuckled and looked up at him.  

"You're already spoiling me, Mr. Shelby. What more could I ask for?" 

"I'm sure you have a list," Tommy said. You plucked his cigarette from between his fingers and took a pull.  

"As a matter of fact, I do."

"Should I make you beg for it?" 

"I don't beg," you said, defiant as ever. Tommy rolled his eyes but moved closer. You could feel the warmth of his wool suit, and it matched the heat that was rising to your cheeks. 

"Then what do you call what you were doing the other day in my office?" Tommy asked. You thought for a moment then smirked. 

"Minding my manners. Please and thank you, Sir," you said, making him laugh. 

"Oi, stop flirting on come on," John yelled in partial disgust from where the family was gathering near the door. 

"Yeah, yeah, we're coming," you shooed him. You gave Tommy a knowing look as you grabbed your bag to join the group at the Garrison. 

"Gonna tell me not to get any ideas?" He asked. 

"Of course not. Get as many ideas as you can from here to that pub." You pointed a stern finger at him. 

"Yes, ma'am." 

Tommy had long given up trying to get a grasp on what to expect from you. 

"God only knows what's going on up there," he'd say while tapping your temple. 

But nothing surprised him more than your absolute willingness to have him any time, anywhere. 

"Skirts hike up for a reason, Thomas," You once told him in the stables. Tommy had yet to find a good enough argument against that, so here you were, shushing him through breathy laughs as he almost tumbled into you. 

It was a busy night at the Garrison, and it wasn't hard to leave your group to find the back room. Now you were pressed up against a shelf that wasn't nearly sturdy enough. Tommy's pants were unbuckled in a hasty moment, and your knickers were pulled aside, and you were both stifling your moans. 

"Oh god, fuck, Tommy, how do you always feel so good?" You asked, your grip already in his hair. He groaned at the question and thrust deeper.  

"You're the one always warm and wet for me, aren't you?" He squeezed the flesh of your bottom, making you moan. He quickly relocated you further into the dark and onto a crate. "Such a naughty little thing I've got on my hands."  

"Just the way you like it." You bit his ear as you played with fire. His thrusts got hard and deep, earning more high pitched moans from you until he pressed a hand over your mouth. He kept his grip firm, just how you liked and spoke in your ear. 

"I'm giving you what you asked for with all of these people just out there. Do you want them to hear you?" He leaned back to see you nod. Of course, you did. Tommy shook his head as he chuckled. By the sound of your yearning moan, he just knew you were pouting beneath his palm.

"I know love, but when we get home, you can be as loud as you want. You can let the maids hear you, what was it? Minding your manners for me. How's that sound?" You accepted his counteroffer with a nod and was rewarded with Tommy moving his hand. He relished in the smeared lipstick that was now on your chin before adjusting his grip on you. 

"Now, be good, and stay quiet for me." 

Tommy had to give you credit for carrying out your version of quiet. You forfeited your usual words of encouragement and panted hotly in his ears, a whimper or moan periodically coming forth.  

"Tom," You pleaded his name under your breath. His grip tightened around your waist, and you knew it would bruise, which only shoved you that much closer to the edge.  

"That's a good girl," he praised you, knowing what it did to you. In this case, it made your thighs tighten around him. "So good, you can tell me where you want it. Should I make you walk around with me all over your face?" 

He felt you shiver and swallow a moan that came out like a sob. His thumb reached between them, and it only took a few circles of your clit to send you over. 

"Oh fuck," You bucked against him as you came. Tommy's eyes squeezed close while you kissed his neck. It was truly incredible, you had to admit. You knew he was close and you had to decide. "In me."

"In you?" He repeated, not fully registering anything as he got closer. 

"I want you in me, Tom. Please," you said again. You kissed him, then pulled back to look in his eyes. "I'm begging you." 

You loved watching him come undone. Even in the low light, you took in his parted lips, creased brow, and flushed cheeks. He rested his forehead against yours for a moment before you pulled away and began putting yourselves back together.  

"I'm excited to go home if you keep your word," you said, leaning against the crate while Tommy pulled out a cigarette. 

You quietly smoked and thought about how strange this was. Before it was sprung on you, being married was something you hadn't expected anytime soon. Being married to someone you actually enjoyed was a fate every woman you knew hoped for but knew not to anticipate. And here you were with both a marriage and an enjoyable husband. 

"What's wrong?" Tommy asked, tossing away his cigarette. He brought his hand up to stroke your cheek, but you caught it and observed the silver band around his finger instead, running your thumb over the metal. 

"Do you like this?" Your eyes lifted to meet his. "The ring?" 

The ring, the marriage, what was the difference? He smirked then turned his hand, interlacing your fingers. 

"So much that I think there must have been a mix up of fortune. A better man should have it, maybe." He said, then kissed your forehead and started towards the door. "Come now, I think I'll let you walk around with me dripping out of you for at least a half-hour."

"I may just have to give you a proper thank you on the ride home then, Sir." 

Tommy expertly ignored questions about his whereabouts from his brothers and knowing looks from his sister, all while holding your hand. You smiled to yourself and thought, 

I have a crush on you, Tommy Shelby. 

--

Tommy Tag List: @soleil-dor; @amysteryspot​

JGB Series Tag List: @biba3434

[iyeriing]

Tricky Patrols (test)

Before this start i would like to say that i def dont know how to write on tumblr yet, im going to post this first headcannon that ive made up with my own character about bat family just for testing reasons (lmao yeas im a old lady in a body of a 19 yrs old woman).

second point is that english is not my first language so, ignore the mistakes and non senses phrases. Beside those things i just wish a good reading and please leave you feedback to help me learn how to write in this shit :): ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ TW: mentions of murder and blood.

gender: neutral -------------------------------------- Another day of patrol, another day of work, everything was normal… at least in my conception of normal. The patrol had started early that day, and it was already dusk, I guessed it was 7 or 8 pm, my partner at the time was Red robin aka Tim Drake, spending the day patrolling with him was light, there weren't many questions or embarrassing conversations , only when he asked for advice himself or wanted to know something about my life. I couldn't judge him, despite being working with the Bat-family or being part of the so-called Gotham Knights for a long time, or...like...5 years… I hope it's considered a long time… My past continued to make appearances or call my name, luckily my two most problematic identities ended up dying without much effort, since the scarecrow or the league of assassins didn't really care about having someone who certainly put them in danger opening the identity. Eventually Gotham ended up giving me a proper name in the 4 years I worked alone, Ghost… I was the Ghost of Gotham, so stealth that even an animal couldnt notice me, criminals ended up adopting that codename for me and I did matter of keeping it… why wouldn't I? it's a nice name. Most low-severity criminals feared me as much as Nightwing, Batman or Red Hood, regardless of methods… but morals are for another conversation. Anyway, anyway, I didn't give up that identity when I joined Batman, and I didn't even expose it to the public, many still fear me because they think I'm going to solve the situation like I used to when I was solo, and that's actually a great advantage . Obviously I didn't look for that place, I just let Bruce come to me, and eventually trust was re-established over time, but there are still doubts, but I don't offend.. it's understandable that they exist in this context. ''I hate patrolling in this shitty weather.''

I mutter grumpily as I feel the chills on my skin beneath my uniform. The weather was really shit, 5 degrees cold plus a completely ridiculous light rain, it made me annoyed. ''I thought it motivated you to hate criminals more… that's what you said before leaving the mansion.''

Tim simply counters using the grappling hook to climb to the top of the building we've been assigned. ''Don't use my words against me RR, I have a reputation to uphold.''

I fight the urge to tap my chin in sheer cold, but even so, my voice comes out in sweet amusement. I hear the younger one's laughter grow further away as he escorts him to the top of the building with the hooks ''At this point I think your reputation has already-''

An abrupt cut in his speech makes me forget about any external sensations and go up faster to make sure he was okay, there weren't many things that would leave someone who grew up in Batman's shadow surprised to the point of being speechless. As soon as my feet touch the edge of the building and I look up, whatever words have been in my head are gone, and my stomach churns instantly, the scene was indeed shocking, nothing compared to what I had ever done or witnessed. Tim was just as shocked as I was, the two static staring at a completely open body, guts scattered, with a phone number and a name written on the wall, there was a location too, apparently the killer had done all that and still left his contact. I squint at a Robin, he was whiter than a sheet of paper. I analyze that scene putting aside any kind of emotion or feeling I might have had, and my reaction is what I least expected, what Tim least expected. Wet footsteps echo off the roof as I walk closer to the body finding a small note that reads "Blood and death tend to frighten those with clean hands and intentions far more". My laughter breaks through the mood of the gloomy night and even darker after this discovery. ''I didn't do it.''

I hasten to say, explaining my unusual reaction to an apparent death. Tim takes his slightly more resigned but still pale gaze to my face making me pull down the hood but keep the mask on. ''Then why are you laughing?''

His low voice suggested he was certainly prepared to start a fight with me, is like I said, doubts about who I am from my past will always linger, and they don't bother me as much as they should. ''Because whoever did it is a freaking genius''

My voice comes out in amusement and I lightly kick the body on the floor in order to make him realize that it was latex, fake blood, that it was all a big montage, a big time trap for whoever made it. ''The whole morbid scenario is fake, this isn't a murder it's a trap with a name, location and a phone number, and the note suggested that whoever did this hoped I wasn't here, but someone else, and that it was his only mistake, a small mistake of lineup.

I explain by handing the note to the teenager who had barely recovered from the first shock and was already in another. I take some pictures of the place while Tim seemed to analyze in full brain what had happened, I knew that now that things were clearer he would be able to notice things that I even thought to notice, we were a good pair for that, what I didn't usually notice was what caught Tim's attention the most, who now seemed to be in his personal amusement park, analyzing, taking pictures and putting it in the batcave database. ''Hey, Ghost! We need to get back to the Batcave now, I just found DNA fragments and some extra information on this doll.''

I nod, walking to the edge of the building without much thought analyzing the data I've collected. ''Ghost! Wait! Before we go, I wanted to apologize to you right now for thinking that you actually killed someone, it's something I can't help but consider… but you know you're like a sister to me right?''

''Relax Timmy, I know it's not bad, I'm used to it… and yes I know you love me.''

I can't help the smug smirk on my face before I drop my body to that huge height and head for BatCave, which would probably be a lot warmer and more comfortable than this patrol. mental note: ask for a hot chocolate for Alfred when I get there.

[aboveallarescuer]

How Dany assesses the counsel she receives and makes her own choices - Battle of Yunkai

This will be a series of posts meant to show that Dany is open to receiving advice and criticism, but that she doesn’t act solely based on what other people tell her to do. On the opposite, GRRM makes great effort to write a Dany who most often merges different viewpoints and/or finds her own solutions to the problems she’s facing. I won’t include every single decision she ever made (e.g. her decisions at court are often made without counsel and her execution of the ritual to hatch the dragon eggs was already exhaustively and deftly analyzed by other people), but there will be plenty of instances in this series that will prove my point nonetheless. 

Since Dany doesn't receive a lot of advice in this chapter and I want to highlight her agency and skills here, I’m putting the verdict above so that people who don’t want to read the entire meta can at least find its synthesized points right away.

Chapter (s):

ASOS Daenerys IV

The advice Dany receives:

Both Jorah and Barristan warn Dany that she won't convince neither the Stormcrows nor the Second Sons to switch allegiances.

Verdict:

In this chapter, Dany:

Applies Barristan's lessons when she willingly chooses to assess the enemy forces and makes a reasonable guess of how many men the Yunkish forces have.

Has in mind that the sellswords, who are fighting on horseback, are more likely to cause damage and kill too many of her freedmen. (This will inform her plan later)

Embraces her limitations to mock those who will underestimate her for them. (And the author will give plenty of reasons to challenge the simplistic notion that Dany is just a young girl who does not know the ways of war.)

Applies historical knowledge to support her opinion that her forces will overwhelm her enemies'.

Maintains her self-composure and offers excellent comebacks when the captains and the envoy try to slut-shame and/or sexually harass her.

Is doing what she's doing for no other reason than to free the slaves in Yunkai:

She didn't have to worry about the freedmen's safety when they take part in the battle for her, but she does because it would otherwise render her fight for them meaningless.

She could have kept the chest for herself, but she didn't.

She could have taken other chests from the city like she suggests she might do, but she promises instead that "Yunkai will not be burned or plundered" (and that will bite her in the ass later in ADWD).

The only thing she requires is that the former slaves are "allowed to choose freely from among their masters' possessions" and that they are given "food, clothing, coin and goods". Doing this doesn't benefit her in any way, it only helps the slaves.

Outlines a tactical plan that is motivated by her desire to prevent a high number of freedmen casualties and that implies knowledge of:

The Yunkish forces' tactical formation.

The basic topography of the area.

Her enemies' weaknesses and how to exploit them ("I made no promises about tonight", "We will take them under cover of this darkness", "they will see hundreds of campfires burning").

Stays in the room while her captains decide how to better execute her plan. We don't know how much she contributed to the conversation, but it nevertheless shows her willingness to learn more.

When Daario shows up and declares that he and his men will fight for her, she:

Considers if he might be a spy, worries if there are others and is initially suspicious if he's just trying to save his own skin.

Only changes her mind when she sees that he killed the other commanders and that the dragons are fond of him.

Knows that she can't be too distrustful in general, despite the prophecies.

Realizes that the Stormcrows switching allegiances will guarantee that the Yunkish are overwhelmed.

Is more morally flexible concerning the sellswords than one might expect from a traditional hero(ine) fighting against slavery.

Beginning of the chapter

ASOS Daenerys IV is set in motion here:

Her Dothraki scouts had told her how it was, but Dany wanted to see for herself. Ser Jorah Mormont rode with her through a birchwood forest and up a slanting sandstone ridge. “Near enough,” he warned her at the crest.

Dany reined in her mare and looked across the fields, to where the Yunkish host lay athwart her path. Whitebeard had been teaching her how best to count the numbers of a foe. “Five thousand,” she said after a moment.

Even though her Dothraki scouts had already done so, Dany wants to apply Barristan's teachings and assess the enemy forces by herself. She estimates five thousand, which Jorah considers to be a fair guess. I would also note that, while it's not explicitly acknowledged that Dany would know how to describe the terrain the way the narrative does (in the parts in bold above), she is still sufficiently aware of it to concoct a successful outline of where each of her forces should strike the Yunkish later, as we'll see below.

Jorah notes where each sellsword company is positioned and Dany realizes that the Yunkai'i are located in the center. She asks if they lead slave soldiers and the knight confirms that they do, but they aren't equal of Unsullied. Jorah thinks they can "easily" defeat their army, but Yunkai has been forewarned, so any fight might result in more casualties than Dany is willing to accept.

Dany considered. The slaver host seemed small compared to her own numbers, but the sellswords were ahorse. She’d ridden too long with Dothraki not to have a healthy respect for what mounted warriors could do to foot. The Unsullied could withstand their charge, but my freedmen will be slaughtered.

First, here we see Dany using the knowledge she acquired from living with the Dothraki to make a more precise assessment of how her forces might fare against her enemies.

Second, I've seen Dany be criticized before for "breaking" her word with the slavers ... You know, these people who think selling other people is acceptable. This little fact already makes this criticism a moot point at best and slavery apologia at worst, but even then ...

Let's not forget that thinking Dany was "breaking" her word with the slavers means accepting that slavery is valid and that they have the right to sell other human beings.

Let's not forget that Dany's fear that too many of her freedmen will die is what leads her to decide to attack Yunkai and the sellswords when they don't expect it, as the passage above shows.

Let's not forget how awfully we see the Yunkai'i treating their slaves in Tyrion's chapters.

Let's remember all of this.

So, with these considerations in mind, Dany decides:

“The slavers like to talk,” she said. “Send word that I will hear them this evening in my tent. And invite the captains of the sellsword companies to call on me as well. But not together. The Stormcrows at midday, the Second Sons two hours later.”

Jorah thinks they might refuse the invitation, but Dany is quite certain that they won't:

“They’ll come. They will be curious to see the dragons and hear what I might have to say, and the clever ones will see it for a chance to gauge my strength.” She wheeled her silver mare about. “I’ll await them in my pavilion.”

I have no doubt that the previous reactions of the Qartheen and the Astapori to her dragons are informing her attitude here.

Negotiation talks

On my rereads, I've noticed that the negotiation talks in ASOS Daenerys IV are actually quite formulaic: a) the commander/envoy underestimate and/or insult Dany, b) Dany shows self-assurance and/or makes a threat and c) Dany makes a proposal only to be rebuked. So, instead of analyzing dialogue by dialogue chronologically, I think it's more interesting to display these patterns and focus on Dany's voice to highlight her rhetorical skills.

With both the Stormcrows and the Second Sons, Dany points out their blatant military disadvantages while embracing her youth and ignorance (because otherwise they will use these factors to hold her in low regard) and pretending to underestimate herself (because to do so right away means to undermine their propensity to do that):

“Five hundred of your Stormcrows against ten thousand of my Unsullied,” said Dany. “I am only a young girl and do not understand the ways of war, yet these odds seem poor to me.”

~

“It is true that I am only a young girl, and do not know the ways of war. Explain to me how you propose to defeat ten thousand Unsullied with your five hundred. Innocent as I am, these odds seem poor to me.”

The captain of the Stormcrows, Prendahl na Ghezn, is adamant that they don't stand alone, for they have the support of both the Second Sons and "the stalwart men of Yunkai". Dany questions if the Second Sons will stay by their side with such poor odds, but Prendahl doesn't flinch. Misogyny undoubtedly plays a part in his reaction, but there's also the fact that, as Jorah later told her, "[l]ikely he had kin in Astapor".

The captain of the Second Sons, Mero, doesn't even bother offering counterarguments. In his mind, since the Second Sons won battles with worse odds and have him as a leader, of course it will be easy to win against a "little girl".

With both Prendahl and Mero, Dany applies her historical knowledge to support her case:

“Woman?” She chuckled. “Is that meant to insult me? I would return the slap, if I took you for a man.” Dany met his stare. “I am Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, the Unburnt, Mother of Dragons, khaleesi to Drogo’s riders, and queen of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros.”

~

“The Second Sons have faced worse odds and run. At Qohor, when the Three Thousand made their stand. Or do you deny it?”

The first passage, in particular, is often quoted by fans, and rightfully so. All of the three men with whom Dany negotiates try to underestimate her on behalf of her gender and/or by sexualizing/slut-shaming her. It speaks volumes that Dany is able to maintain her self-composure and offer such an excellent comeback. She knows what happened to the last man who dismissed her as "an ignorant whore", after all.

In fact, that's not the only rebut that Dany makes for being reduced to her sexuality. Mero's misogyny is particularly insiduous for pretending to be flatterous while he's actually both underestimating her authority and sexually harassing her. That's why her responses to him are more threatening than to the others:

“If you bring the Second Sons over to my side, I might not have you gelded.”

~

“No need. After my eunuchs cut it off, I can examine it at my leisure.”

~

“So it is from you they get their courage?” Dany turned to Ser Jorah. “When the battle is joined, kill this one first.”

The last example is particularly noteworthy. In Game of Thrones, the writers have show!Dany tell her advisor to kill Mero first after he is gone. In the books, however, Mero tries to paint himself as the one that gives his soldiers determination to fight only to be undermined by Dany, who simply asks Jorah to kill him first. As we can see, Dany acts like a boss here and undercuts her enemies' misogyny multiple times.

Then we get to the proposals she makes to each man she interacts with.

This is her proposal for the commander of the Stormcrows:

“Once battle is joined, do not think to ask for quarter. Join me now, however, and you shall keep the gold the Yunkaii paid you and claim a share of the plunder besides, with greater rewards later when I come into my kingdom. Fight for the Wise Masters, and your wages will be death. Do you imagine that Yunkai will open its gates when my Unsullied are butchering you beneath the walls?”

[...] “Tell me this—are the Stormcrows slave or free?”

“We are a brotherhood of free men,” Sallor declared.

“Good.” Dany stood. “Go back and tell your brothers what I said, then. It may be that some of them would sooner sup on gold and glory than on death. I shall want your answer on the morrow.”

Later, Dany's assumption will be validated: Daario Naharis will rather "sup on gold and glory" rather than be killed alongside his commanders. I'll get to him later.

This is her proposal for the commander of the Second Sons:

“Then stay, and fight for me. [...] Coins can be returned,” she said. “I will pay you as much and more. I have other cities to conquer, and a whole kingdom awaiting me half a world away. Serve me faithfully, and the Second Sons need never seek hire again.”

[...] “Can I have a flagon of this fine wine to take back to my captains?”

“You may have a tun. It is from the cellars of the Good Masters of Astapor, and I have wagons full of it.”

“Then give me a wagon. A token of your good regard.”

“You have a big thirst.”

“I am big all over. And I have many brothers. The Titan’s Bastard does not drink alone, Khaleesi.”

“A wagon it is, if you promise to drink to my health.”

“Done!”

If Mero had been more thoughtful and less dismissive of Dany (who had already conquered a city and freed thousands of Unsullied at this point), perhaps he would have considered that she might have used their inebriation to her favor (she did deceive the Astapori, after all, even if she was righteous in doing so). Perhaps he wouldn't have asked for an entire wagon himself if he had taken her seriously as a threat. If she were a man, I'm sure he would have been more cautious.

Finally, this is her proposal for the Yunkish envoy:

“I have a gift for you as well.” She slammed the chest shut. “Three days. On the morning of the third day, send out your slaves. All of them. Every man, woman, and child shall be given a weapon, and as much food, clothing, coin, and goods as he or she can carry. These they shall be allowed to choose freely from among their masters’ possessions, as payment for their years of servitude. When all the slaves have departed, you will open your gates and allow my Unsullied to enter and search your city, to make certain none remain in bondage. If you do this, Yunkai will not be burned or plundered, and none of your people shall be molested. The Wise Masters will have the peace they desire, and will have proved themselves wise indeed. What say you?”

This moment makes it clear that Dany is doing what she is doing for no other reason than to end slavery in Yunkai.

She didn't have to worry about the freedmen's safety when they take part in the battle for her, but she does because it would otherwise render her fight for them meaningless.

She could have kept the chest for herself, but she didn't.

She could have taken other chests from the city like she suggests she might do, but she promises instead that "Yunkai will not be burned or plundered" (and that will bite her in the ass later in ADWD).

The only thing she requires is that the former slaves are "allowed to choose freely from among their masters' possessions" and that they are given "food, clothing, coin and goods". Doing this simply doesn't benefit her in any way.

However, the envoy calls Dany mad when he hears her terms, so she has her dragons burn his tokar. It's a moment that GRRM wishes had been included in the TV show, probably because it has ramifications later in ADWD (namely when Dany is trying to make peace with the Yunkish and they won't trust her word for that reason). 

Battle plans

I recently came across a good meta analyzing the Battle of Yunkai from a military standpoint. I will juxtapose certain excerpts (adapted as bullet lists) from that meta with passages showing Dany's actions and statements in the books to emphasize how capable a leader Dany is becoming:

“An hour past midnight should be time enough.”

“Yes, Khaleesi,” said Rakharo. “Time for what?”


“To mount our attack.”


Ser Jorah Mormont scowled. “You told the sellswords—”

“—that I wanted their answers on the morrow. I made no promises about tonight. The Stormcrows will be arguing about my offer. The Second Sons will be drunk on the wine I gave Mero. And the Yunkai’i believe they have three days. We will take them under cover of this darkness.”

“They will have scouts watching for us.”

“And in the dark, they will see hundreds of campfires burning,” said Dany. “If they see anything at all.”

“Khaleesi,” said Jhogo, “I will deal with these scouts. They are no riders, only slavers on horses.”

“Just so,” she agreed. “I think we should attack from three sides. Grey Worm, your Unsullied shall strike at them from right and left, while my kos lead my horse in wedge for a thrust through their center. Slave soldiers will never stand before mounted Dothraki.” She smiled. “To be sure, I am only a young girl and know little of war. What do you think, my lords?”

~

1. We know that Dany had limited knowledge about warfare (after all, she's only a 14-15 year old girl), but nonetheless she outlined a rough tactical plan which her captains did not hesitate to accept.

2. She used terms such as 'left', 'right' and 'center', which suggest that her outline was based on the assumption that the enemy forces would be arrayed in some kind of linear formation. It also implies that she's familiar with the local terrain and topography. Because if the enemy camp had been protected by natural obstacles (by the coast, a mountain or a river for example), Dany's outline would not make any sense and her captains would certainly have told her so.

3. She also seems to realize her own limitations when it comes to warfare and that the implementation of military operations are better left over to her experienced captains.

4. Dany's plan made common sense and the battle turned out to be a success: The basic idea behind her plan was to let the heavy mass of Unsullied handle the sellswords on the flanks, while the Dothraki attacked the fragile slave soldiers. She deceived her foes, took the initiative, exploited her numerical superiority and took them by surprise.

5. But her plan involved certain calculated risks: Trying to direct a battle involving thousands of men at night can be very difficult, it can easily turn into a mess, and the danger of sudden panic is always present. That is probably why her armed freedmen were held back: Their lack of discipline and lack of fighting skills could easily backfire. The Unsullied, on the other hand, were very disciplined and they were also trained in night-maneuvers. (x)

As we can see, Dany's plan shows that she knows: a) the Yunkish forces' tactical formation, b) the basic topography of the area and c) her enemies' weaknesses and how to exploit them ("I made no promises about tonight", "We will take them under cover of this darkness", "they will see hundreds of campfires burning"). Even more importantly, as the reviewer acknowledges, her captains accept her plan without any objections. This is commendable, considering that it comes from someone who lacks both experience and knowledge.

This quote is also relevant:

It took an hour to work out all the details. Now begins the most dangerous time, Dany thought as her captains departed to their commands. She could only pray that the gloom of the night would hide her preparations from the foe.

To which extent Dany participated or gave feedback in the discussion above is unknown, but we can conclusively say that she at least listened to which military operations her captains would later implement to take the city, which highlights her desire to acquire more knowledge. In fact, I would argue that the author chose not to give attention to this hour of planning because he would rather focus on Dany's outline (and character development). GRRM takes great pains to give Dany agency, portray her as a competent leader and challenge the notion that she is only a young girl who doesn't know the ways of war.

Then, something unexpected happens (though, as I said above, Dany had already considered that this might have happened, even if not 100% seriously): Daario is captured by the Unsullied and unexpectedly declares that the Stormcrows are now on Dany's side. @rainhadaenerys already explained why Dany's trust in Daario does not make her stupid for a few reasons that I'll sum up here: a) he had already betrayed the other captains and would gain nothing doing the same to her; b) having him and his 500 men on her side would guarantee that the Yunkish would be overwhelmed; c) because, despite the prophecies concerning the treasons, she knows that she must trust other people, especially since no one's loyalties are certain. I would also want to add that she makes several considerations before accepting Daario on her side:

“The Unsullied caught one of the sellswords trying to sneak into the camp.”

“A spy?” That frightened her. If they’d caught one, how many others might have gotten away?

~

Dany was dubious. If this Tyroshi had come to spy, this declaration might be no more than a desperate plot to save his head.

This is not the reasoning of someone who can be considered "reckless" or "stupid", but who is rather aware of possible negative implications. However, she also proves to be flexible soon afterwards: if Daario killed the other commanders and the dragons trust him, accepting his allegiance seems worth the risk (and it pays off). Anyone who dismisses her for being "shallow" here has a shallow reading of the text themselves. He's handsome, but that's just a bonus.

In fact, there's a Doylist reason why we shouldn't criticize Dany for accepting Daario - doing so would mean validating Jorah's opinion, which is not a good look. Even worse, doing so would mean undermining this powerful and more than earned moment.

Aftermath

Things go pretty much exactly the way Dany had planned and expected:

“Your Grace, I bring you victory. The Stormcrows turned their cloaks, the slaves broke, and the Second Sons were too drunk to fight, just as you said. Two hundred dead, Yunkai’i for the most part. Their slaves threw down their spears and ran, and their sellswords yielded. We have several thousand captives.”

And, as more proof (if that was even needed) that Dany was concerned for the number of freedmen that would end up as casualties when she decided to attack the Yunkish when they didn't expect it:

“Our own losses?”


“A dozen. If that many.”

Only then did she allow herself to smile.

I won't comment much on the mhysa scene because it doesn't really concern Dany's decision-making. I will say, though, that their reaction shows that they are grateful for her actions (see above, again, how the slaves are treated in Tyrion's chapters) and that it highlights, once again, the righteousness of Dany's cause.

(I've already written about what mhysa means for Dany here and here. Also, because this scene is understandably controversial ... here and here you can find good posts about the racism in the writing of Dany's storyline as a whole in a way that doesn't mischaracterize her.)

How Dany assesses the advice she receives

I'm putting this section in the end because there are only two moments (and one goes beyond the scope of this post) in which Dany receives advice in this chapter. This makes sense: as I said, despite Dany's limitations due to age and experience, GRRM really wanted to highlight how influential she was on the outcome of the battle.  

The one moment that we see Dany getting advice is after she meets with the Stormcrows and the Second Sons. Both Barristan and Jorah agree that she is probably not going to get their support - Mero is treacherous and Prendahl had family amongst the Astapori. There isn't much she can do but accept their warning, but I find this line interesting:

“It is not his reputation that I want, it’s his five hundred horse.[”]

Dany is a traditional hero(ine) in so many ways, so it would be easier to portray her as someone who is unambiguously and plainly wary of the sellswords' lack of morals. However, moments like this and the one later in ADWD Daenerys VIII when she finds that being "dishonorable and greedy" can be advantageous if she wants the sellswords to turn to her side show that Dany is actually quite down-to-earth and flexible and doesn't suffer from moral righteousness like some think. In fact, if Dany had that problem, I'm not sure she would have thought that deceiving the slave masters (justified as that was) and revolting against an entire economic system would be okay; it's more likely that she would have had Barristan's attitude instead (i.e., leaving the region behind while feeling empathy but doing nothing about it). It's also a little detail that shows how GRRM maintains her characterization consistent, for it would be easy to forget that aspect of Dany by the time he got to writing ADWD.

(Of course, it's not so simple as to say that she's okay with their immorality. She is suspicious of them - we see with Daario that she doesn't fully trust him nor reacted well to that advice to kill all the masters in the Temple of the Graces.)

[thesimonkshow]

My thoughts on Folklore

This is about to be a long ass Taylor Swift post, so strap in for the ride.

I along with many others were going about their business (looking at Adam Driver gifs) before my phone alerted me to the notification that Taylor Swift was releasing her eighth studio album Folklore the very next day. Chaos everywhere, my sleep schedule went out the window as I went into the Swifties tag to see how everyone else was dealing with this news. So I eagerly awaited 2PM (Australian time) for the album to drop and after a few listens (sleep got the better of me through my first listen due to my previous sleep schedule), I eventually picked out some album highlights.

The 1 - I love how freely she’s cussing on the album (a point that will be reitriated throughout), and I know Gossip tabloids and casuals will be shooketh because they’d think Taylor & Mr. Alwyn have ‘broken up’ due to Taylor’s personable lyrics but this gave me Better Man vibes. Remember when the Bridge said ‘You might have bern The One if you were a Better Man’ and this is basically that without the angsty fire.

Cardigan - I LOVE how Alternative Folk fits Taylor’s voice, it sounds like she’s telling us a story and we are entrapsed by her. It also works perfectly with the love triangle songs, which I had to understand a bit through a few listens.

The Last Great American Dynasty - The moment I saw this track, I knew it would be epic. I pictured her taking the piss out of the Trump family, but what I got was an awesome song about the woman who owned Taylor’s Rhode Island house and the antics she got up to. I love the descriptors she used when describing the weddings and the party’s Rebekah & Bill had and especially the bridge of antics Rebekah got up to later in her time. The ‘And then it was bought by me.’ Part of the bridge, I love a good twist!

Exile - OH MY LORD. When I saw Skinny Love Bon Iver on this album, I knew this would be something and low and behold it was. The concept of the man in exile in her intro caught my attention but seeing it up close and personal was amazing. The vocals interlaced with each other was perfection, especially as Taylor responds to Bon Iver. I really connected it to the struggles of Seth Rollins in the latter half of 2019, how he seemed to be exiled from the WWE, how his initial opponent Kevin Owens was having his flaws disregarded to drag Seth down, the ‘Always Keep Fighting’ shirt that he wore (raising money for mental health chairties) adding insult to injury for Seth, who had even briefly deactivated his twitter to clear his headspace following attacks/death threats from a fellow wrestler’s fan base. ‘I gave you every sign’ rings true here, the man was struggling and no one seemed to care.

My Tears Ricochet - My WWE ass was happy to see another Wrestler reference after The Man. So this was an interesting look, but I got another story that intrigued me, a man having been involved in a tumultous connection with the songs narrator showing up to her funeral to save face. Listeners drew parraells with the recent Masters drbarkle with Scott Borchetta, head of Big Machine Records with whom Taylor was once signed to, and I have to say it’s a good perspective to take.

Mirrorball - This one took a while but I ended up loving the fact she could sing from a Mirrorball’s perspective and still make an epic song. I loved the part about always fitting in with the crowd because at functions/discos where mirrorballs are used, the lights will change to fit the mood and being a reflective surface, Mirrorballs will reflect the colour change.

Seven - This was a nice ditty about a past friend Taylor once had. I really loved the line ‘Please picture me in the weeds before I learned Civility’ it gives a more sophisticated parraell to Never Grow Up.

August - This is the second in the love triangle songs, and I loved the storytelling aspect as Taylor paints the picture of an affair that Summer Nights would quake in it’s boots if it heard about it. She sweeps up the adience in the Mistresses POV, showcasing the sweetness of love and the sting of toxcisity.

This is me trying - Where are those who said Taylor Swift plays the victim in her songs? Because this is for them. Taylor states in this her regrets of wasted potential, broken relationships etc. at the end of the day no matter how many awards she has, records she breaks, or money she possesses, Taylor Alison Swift is a human being, and we should give her boundries to grow and flourish.

Illicit Affairs - This track title also intrigued me, and whilst it does what the title says, and discusses the highs and lows of the secret passions of mismatched lovers, the second verse & bridge stood out to me the most. The way Taylor’s voice went up on him in the line ‘Leave the perfume on the shelf that you picked out just for him.’ Drew my attention as she later did the same thing on the word high, this had to mean something. And given that we don’t know the narrators gender, this could also be a song about a closeted gay man who’s found love but is struggling to accept this relationship. Whereas the bridge reminded me a lot of the Adam & Hannah breakup in Season 4 of Girls in the episode Sit In where Hannah denounces Adam’s nickname of kid, which he had called her by since the first season, with the episode before that showing her heartbroken that Adam has gotten a new girlfriend behind her back and thus turns into a mess locked in her apartment for a day and two nights. it was a heartbreaking part of the show, one that shifted it into a new era for better or for worse, and the entirety of this reasonated with me.

Invisible String - Around this point was where melotonin kicked in for me on my first listen, so I’ve heard this less than the other songs, but I love how it discusses her relationship with Joe & how for better or for worse, he is hers. It continued the theme with them on Lover of not having a great picturesque love, but having ups and downs like any couple.

Mad Woman - The calmer sister of The Man, she won’t throw big production and actions around, she can take you down with words alone. The track stings brutally as Taylor takes down sexism as it exists in our world today, and even sadly paints a visual of how it must have been for women back in the day fighting for equal rights. ‘Does a scorpion sting when fighging back?’ Line was annother connection, as I was reminded of Vanessa Ives from Penny Dreadful and how the animal symbology that stuck with her was a scorpion, used to great effect in the Season 2 finale in a confrontation with Lucifer’s makeshift doll of her. The chorus line ‘And you’ll poke the bear till her claws come out, and you’ll find something to wrap your noose around’ stuck with me on my listens, and really shows how men will strike and then run away saying ‘it’s a joke, she’s hysterical’ etc. the part about women loving to hunt witches also reminded me of a Doctor Who episode called ‘The Witchers’ and also reminded some listeners of how Demi Lovato took Scooter Braun’s side in the Licencing debarkle, in fact in the first part of the bridge, the song also has a double meaning. It’s also about the state of affairs following Taylor’s songs being stolen from her. The part in the bridge about the wives knowing about their Spinster husbands having affairs and not wanting to show their anger for fear of being outcast like the titular woman is angsty but so lyrically genius.

Epiphany - I had to listen to this a couple of times but once I realised what it was about, I was in shock. This is about her Grandfather Dean who she mentioned in the intro who fought in a war. The song paints the war setting with the helmet, the flesh wound and the rifle within the first few words, and I especially loved the line ‘And some things we don’t speak of.’ because it talked about how some soldiers develop PTSD from their experiences, yet don’t want to discuss them for fear of being perceived as weak. Also the outro beat sounds like a radar scanning for a plane, and the beat of the drum sounds like bombs exploding, really adds to the War theme.

Betty - This is the final track in the love triangle story as it tells the story of James as he fights to earn back Betty’s love after he has an affair with Inez. The eventual pitfalls of Illicit Affairs have come for Inez which causes her to tell Betty of their affair, which is a nice link. This songs gives a classic Greese/Christine/Cheesy 80s Film meets Trixie Mattel vibe which I loved. I also loved the callbacks to August & Cardigan, along with the casual F bomb droppings.

Peace - This is another sweet love song for Joe which calls back to Cruel Summer, Cornelia Street & Dancing With Our Hands Tied as Taylor struggles with the connection she has established with Joe, and contemplates escaping, but eventually knows she’ll stay. How the entire world will be on them, but she’ll be by his side through it all. Similar to Invisible String but different all at once and a perfect penultimate track to lead to the last song.

Hoax - The sweetness brings us to the double edged sword of a closing track. Giving a shattering realisation that love can be tricky at times, the references to Call It What You Want ‘I am ash from your fire’, The Archer ‘You know the hero died so what’s the movie for?’ & ... So It Goes ‘You knew you won so what’s the point of keeping score’. Taylor loves Joe so much that when they fight it’s as painful as when she became Pop Culture Enemy #1 back in 2016. But no matter what, she says herself ‘Don’t want no other shade of blue but you. No other sadness in this world would do’ relationships are always painful, there is no happy endings all round, but there is still love to be found.

All in all this is an incredible album & @taylorswift you have created magic and I hope you know that myself & all the Swifties are so proud of you for flexing your writing skill and crafting such a stunning album.

[seriouslyblacklikemysoul]

An Ephemeral Eternity in Seven Parts - Steve Rogers x Reader

MASTERLIST Warnings: Gifs aren’t mine. My English. Also, last sentence - well, maybe it’s the start of something new.  Word Count~ 7k.  Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI PART  VII

 The melancholic notes of the guitar accompanied her soft and broken voice in a song that reminded very much of a lamentation of her past, her present and her future.

 Everything she touched, begun to decay. Everyone she loved, had only ended up unloved, depressed, addicted or alone. It had made her wonder if she was the one; if she was the wolf dressed as the little red riding hood. What if everyone around her was simply a helpless sheep and to prowl for her next meal she clothed herself in love and kindness, only to poison those closest to her until they are damaged beyond repair. She could only ever ruin so many relationships before she understood that the devil lived inside of her making her a toxic landfill disguised in fake beautiful grass and flowers - she had never been afraid of the monster in her closet, she had always been terrified by the one she saw in the mirror.  She didn't remember which night it was - the one she left, like a thief, not making a sound, knowing that he heard her. It made her decision easier when he didn't even try to stop her. It was selfish - he had been badly broken too. She felt the failure calling out her name - she couldn't make it better for him because she was a mess. She had lost herself and she wasn't sure she wasn't sure she wanted to be found. And so she left. She took a few clothes with her and left.  She had no solid plan for her days ahead. She couldn't find a point to it. She had wandered aimlessly when she found herself in a small city that did not speak English. She had smiled painfully to herself. A stranger among strangers. 

Not long after her decision to stay there for a while, she had to find a way to earn some money in order to get by. The kind old lady, who had helped her with almost everything, seeing in her face the granddaughter she had lost just mere weeks before she turned up in her door - since she was one of the very few people who spoke English -  had offered her a job she thought it would suit her. There was a small place where those who stayed behind went to drink and listen to old and soft songs about loss, love and pain. They were missing a singer. She had thought why not.  Isabella had been nothing but kind and sweet, just like a real grandmother - not that she had met one.  "Grief is a deeply personal and solitary journey. No one can truly feel or understand your loss but you, even those who have experienced it themselves. But grief is also love, and for that reason it has a right to exist and be felt. It is the debt we owe our memories. It is the final way we love someone" she had soothed her after the first time she heard her sing. There was pain in her voice, even when she sung in Spanish. She had never believed it would cost her everything. Yet, it did. 

 Months flew by as she had fallen into a simple yet so human routine. Many handsome men had threw themselves to her but she had closed herself, letting no one in. She had lost people along the way. She had left others behind. She had cut them out of her life, sometimes uncertain if it was the right decision. Looking back, she had done things she might have regretted now. This quieter life she had now was closer to the one she had been dreaming the cold nights that she had been held by HYDRA or trained by Madam B. She couldn't sake the feeling that something was missing - she was different and she hadn't ever realized. The girl from her past wasn't the woman she had grown to be.  "Hay un hombre guapo buscándote, cariño" Isabella suddenly told her, making her slightly jump from the couch she had been seated for at least two hours, starring at the wall. Seeing her lost eyes, Isabella sat down next to her and took her hands in hers.  "Listen, cariño. Love transcends gender, age, political beliefs; it crosses borders. It’s literally the strongest motivator and force we have. It makes people do things they can’t explain. And it comes in all forms and it comes when you least expect it and it comes and it goes and it changes and people have spent years and wrote books and studied the stars trying to understand it. And sometimes it’s the boy you called over to get over,  the boy you were crying about and sometimes it’s the girl you grew up next door to your whole life and sometimes it’s a friend who saved your soul or a baby you didn’t expect. But it’s all around us in forms yet to be manifested- letters yet to be written, hands yet to be held. And all goodness stems from it and it literally changes the world. So even though it sometimes causes us pain and it drags us into situations we didn’t ask for, we can never close ourselves off to it or give up on it. We have to keep loving because it’s the closest thing we have to magic and without it we’re just a conscious pile of bones and life means nothing. Ve hacia el" and just like that, from the mouth of someone who used to be a stranger, the entire meaning of life and love and pain was summed up into a minute of hope. Isabella had lost her son and her granddaughter, everyone she ever loved and yet, there she was telling her to embrace life with its bad and its good. Tears she had no idea when they escaped, were running down her face. "Mi bella Isabella, gracias por tu sabiduría. Gracias por tu amor. But if I go to him, I'll leave you and I can't do that to you" she told her truthfully. Isabella just shook her head and smiled.  "I'll always be here. Go to him, cariño". She kissed her cheek and hugged her as tightly as she would love to be hugged. She had been everything she was missing.

 As the song went on, her eyes fell on him - he had just entered the place. And every memory she kept tacked away, came back rushing through her veins. In her head, she could hear Isabella's words but her heart just didn't want to get hurt again. She knew the moment he talked to her, she would succumb her entire being to his hands. 

War was the only dance he had ever known and she wished they could have had more time amid the chaos and fire and blood to show him that there could be another way. She fell in love with the way he saw the world, the way he saw her... She fell in the chasm of his soul and his light. She would gladly drown in the darker half of the sea to hold him in her arms for more than just that single night of peace. She had been aware that they had met and they had loved in a warzone and even though his kisses had melted away the gunfire, they still held echoes of the fire burning in him but she knew hers were the same. He had been worth the risk time and time again because with his hand burning into her skin, she had hope once more ... and the blood that had stained him couldn't take away his goodness and the stars that had betrayed him, didn't mean she forsaken her devotion. There had always been a rage built inside their souls, just like this love was worthy of burning empires down ... screams that follow them all the way home only to be quieted when she kissed the blood from his lips... and even when the universe will force them to part he will remain, echoing in her heart that only belonged to him. She knew that they were the ugly parts of the love story but she also knew they were the beautiful ones too. The song came to an end and she went to the table she held every night, the one far away from the lights and the people. Eyes never leaving his, she nodded for him to join her, as she poured herself a glass of red wine. He had never been so afraid of a moment and its impact. He had no idea what to say to her or how to be around her, when she poured and offered him another glass of wine.  "I didn't know you could sing" he told her before he hid his face in his hands, only to resurface as red as a tomato. She tried to swallow her laughter but failed.  "You're still not good with women, Steve" and just by saying his name, her heart places itself in his hands. He smiled brightly even though he had messed up his opening line, it had worked out. She was sipping her wine with a fondness he had never seen before. Maybe leaving was the best thing she had done - and he would be selfish to ask her back. Again. Not leaving her alone, to decide her own path. He needed her in a way he hadn't needed anyone since...  "I will come back Steve. But I need you to promise me that we will search and search over and over again for a way to undo this -and if we don't find one it will be because there isn't, not because we overlooked it" she told him boldly with her eyes a soft lilac color, as she looked over her shoulder, signaling to someone to approach them He was taken aback. He believed that she wouldn't even want to talk about what had happened. He had seen the way Bucky had looked at her before he... and he had already suspected his feelings towards her. Steve knew it had a great impact on her - not that it had been the only reason for her breakdown. After realizing her new powers she had refused to use them because they were the reason half of the planet was dead. He looked at her with a new found admiration - she was the bigger person.  "Of course. May I ask why?" he prepared himself to hear a reason he wouldn't like, instead, his heart broke a little bit more.  She smiled and stood up to give her sit to an old woman he had never seen before. It was the first time Steve saw this side of her.  "Isabella, este es Steve. Ese hombre guapo que me estaba buscando" she spoke in Spanish making him question if he knew her at all. Isabella took his hands into hers and looked at him just like his mother would have, which caused some tears to appear. They got to know each other and he realized that she had never felt the love of a family - and she craved it. When Isabella said her goodnight, having already invited him to spend the night in her house, she grew quiet. She knew he was waiting for an answer. "She is the reason why. She lost everything - her son, her granddaughter - and yet she hasn't lost hope. She told me to live life with everything that comes with it and embrace it because it's all we got.  She is the reason I am talking to you. She told me 'go to him' because love is the closest thing we have to magic and I couldn't just tell her I have magic running through my veins but couldn't save her family" she said with fire in her words and determination pouring over her. 

It felt wrong. Being back, felt wrong. She had followed him once again, but this time she hadn't found the people she had last time. She felt out of time – as if she didn’t belong. No one was waiting for her; Natasha was broken and Tony was nowhere near the place. Maybe she had been naïve for trusting him again; deep down she knew the only thing they had been left with was bitterness. She spent her days reading, training and trying out different things. Steve had an unhealthy need to fill Sam’s shoes as he had begun some group session. The irony was obvious to her; He was telling them, urging them to move on while he would never. She had seen as much in his eyes when they were talking about his past and the beginnings of his story – way before he became Captain America. There was one particular story he didn’t feel like sharing and she understood why – but also bothered her. She had kept her promise and had searched everything in order to find a way to undo this. She had spent days and nights looking for an answer. There had been times she felt so useless she wouldn’t get out of her room – nobody dared to disagree with her on those days. Slowly yet steadily, Steve and her grew distant and she felt as if they were miles apart even when they were sitting right next to each other. Being positive had never been one of her assets and that fake optimism Steve had, got on her nerves. Then again, maybe it was just his way of coping with the events. She had found herself longing to leave the base and go back to Isabella’s house more than enough times to realize that she never felt at home in the Avenger’s base. And the years flew by without even noticing it. The only thing new must had been the fact that she met Carol, a woman with many of her own powers and a life experience to match them. Other than that, Natasha had been obsessing over Clint – who had gone dark after his family disappearance. She could never say that all of those people had died – they had just dusted away. Which was the same and she had been fooling herself for a very long time. Steve had been the positive fucking little unicorn in front of others but he was so lost when they were alone. A raccoon was sending them emails with reports and Nebula wanted to get revenge a tad more than all of them combined.  She knew things were bound to be different, but she couldn’t recognize anything anymore. She had been drifted away from those around her because she didn’t feel a connection to them anymore – the only thing they had in common was anger. She had just made a cup of coffee when Steve walked in, finding Natasha on the verge of crying as he went on about the bright side, but Nat wasn’t having it. She just plopped down next to Natasha, smiling towards Steve without even bothering to listen to their conversation but her eye caught something. Something unexpected. “Oh! Hi. Hi! Is anyone home? This is Scott Lang. We met a few years ago, at the airport? In Germany? I got really big, and I had my mask on. You wouldn't recognize me” Scott Lang was rumbling on at their front gate. Before she could register their reactions, she had buzzed him in and left the room running towards him. “Have you ever studied Quantum Physics?” Scott asked them a moment later. “Only to make conversation” came a sarcastic answer by Natasha, which didn’t bring him down. “Alright. So... five years ago, right before Thanos, I was in a place called the Quantum Realm. The Quantum Realm is like its own microscopic universe. To get in there, you have to be incredibly small. Hope, she's my... She was my... She was supposed to pull me out. And then Thanos happened, and I got stuck in there” he said while he was struggling not to tell the entire truth about their relationship. “I'm sorry. That must've been a very long five years” Natasha sincerely told him only to be shocked when he replied the most unbelievable thing. “Yeah, but that's just it. It wasn't. For me, it was five hours”. Steve and Nat shared a quick bewildered glance, while she had figured it out, because she had indeed studied Quantum Physics. “See, the rules of the Quantum Realm aren't like they are up here. Everything is unpredictable. Is that anybody's sandwich? I'm starving” Scott said as he strode over to pick up Nat's sandwich, and bit into it. “Scott, what are you talking about?” Steve asked him confused and puzzled. “What he is saying is, time works differently in the Quantum Realm” she chimed in, gaining a strange look from Steve and a very impressed one from Scott. “The only problem is right now, we don't have a way to navigate it. But what if we did? I can't stop thinking about it. What if, we could somehow control the chaos, and we could navigate it? What if there was a way to enter the Quantum Realm at a certain point in time but then exit at another point in time? Like...” he went on. “Like before Thanos” she half-whispered. “Wait, are you two talking about a time machine?” Steve asked as he couldn’t believe his ears. “No. No, of course not. No, not a time machine. It's more like a... Yeah, a time machine. I know it's crazy. But I can't stop thinking about it. There's gotta be some way... There's gotta be...some w... it's crazy” his craziness was making her head dizzy. She knew they would have to talk to her father, sooner or later. She hoped it would be later but that was not gonna the case. “Scott, I get e-mails from a raccoon, so nothing sounds crazy anymore” Nat reassured him. “So who do we talk to about this?” Scott cut to the chase and everyone looked at her. 

They pulled over at his cabin and one by one got out of the car. Tony looked at them and she could tell that he was not looking forward to the discussion about to take place. He acknowledged her with a single hey, and so she decided to let them talk in peace while she was gazing at the lake from afar. "I know you got a lot on the line. You got a wife, a daughter. But I lost someone very important to me. A lot of people did. And now, now we have a chance to bring her back. To bring everyone back. And you're telling me that won't even... “ his voice got louder as he tried to sell his desperation to Tony. “That's right, Scott, I won't even. I got a kid” Tony simply told them, making her remark. “Yeah, now he’s got a kid” she retorted, making him realize what he had just said. As on cue, Morgan run to her dad, who picked her up. “Mommy told me to come and save you. And to tell to the pretty girl to stay a while” Morgan told him as she pointed at his other daughter. “Good job. I'm saved. I wish you'd come here to ask me something else. Anything else. Honestly, I... I missed you guys, it was... Oh, and table's set for six” he went on and informed them. “Tony, I get it. And I'm happy for you, I really am. But this is a second chance” Steve tried to reason with him but she already knew he wasn’t gonna give up just yet. He had to solve it on his own. “I got my second chance right here, Cap. I can't roll the dice again. If you don't talk shop, you can stay for lunch. And you should stay for a while” he concluded as he turned to face her. She smiled at him. She was going to stay a while and Steve saw it. It was hard to say goodbye but unfortunately it had become easier with the years. Steve, Nat and Scott were walking back to their car outside Tony's house as she was stepping inside, hugging Pepper. She could feel him slipping away from her life but she didn’t know how to keep him there – well, she didn’t even know if he wanted to be there anymore.

The day had been quiet, Pepper was an amazing mother and Tony was trying to be a great dad but he knew that he had failed once before, so he wasn’t hoping for much. They had lunch and she met Morgan a bit better. The kid was smart, but that didn’t come as a surprise, it was rather a given. “So how do you two know each other?” she asked suspiciously as she eyed her. Tony almost chocked but she kept her calm, as she was sipping a glass of wine. “We used to work together for a project, sweetie” she smoothly told her without raising any suspicion and even thought Tony felt relieved, Pepper shoot him an angry look, making him nod his head as if they made a promise. “You’re an Avenger!” Morgan exclaimed, excited with her new discovery. But before she could say a thing, Morgan begun asking questions – more questions than anyone before, leaving her stumped. “Honey, come on. Don’t bombard her with your questions. Wanna help me with dessert?” Pepper came to the rescue quickly and she couldn’t be more thankful. Silence fell and it was awkward because no one was going to break it first and Pepper knew as she said louldy "talk". Both of them rolled their eyes at that. "She is smart, that's from your side and she is beautiful - that's all Pepper" she commented shortly after. He almost laughed at her quick comeback.  "How are you? How are things back?" he asked her sincerely, trying to make up for all the lost time. She shook her head, not wanting to lie. Something he understood very well.  "Let me guess. You have been drifted away from people, especially Steve" he made a wild guess and he knew he was right. She stopped hiding her feelings. "Everything I thought I had is no longer. That's why I came here with them. They are asking you to be a hero and save the world. I just wanted to ask you a favor. A while back, I... I left and went -" "To a nice lady called Isabella, who lost her son and granddaughter" he finished her sentence for her, leaving her puzzled. "What? Did you really think I wasn't looking after you?" he asked her. "Well, you left to start a family and didn't even call, so... um. I should have" she concluded at last. He disagreed with her. She had stayed there, not to ask him to fight with them, but to help her find a way, because she knew that there was going to be o return for him and she wanted Morgan to have both of her parents and to feel loved. One of his daughters should. 

She was just watching him work from the couch as she was drinking a hot cup of tea. “Look at a mod inspiration, let me see what check out. So, recommend one last sim before we pack it in for the night” he gave orders to his computer. “Maybe in the shape of a mobius strip, inverted, don’t you think?” she commented as she took a look to the holographic experiment. He agreed with an impressed look. “Do as the lady suggests” he informed Friday. “Processing... “ “Give me that eigenvalue. That, particle factoring, and a spectral decomp. That will take a second” he had just stepped away, towards the couch but it was not to be. “And don't worry if it doesn't pan out. I'm just kinda –“ “Model rendered” Friday announced sending waves of bewilderments down her spine. Tony in a complete shock of amazement as the render came back as 99.987% successful, fell back ecstatic by this discovery. “Shit!” they both exclaimed at the same time. “Shit” Morgan giggled as she repeated the word they had just uttered. Tony took on the father roll quicker than she had thought as he nodded to her to take care of everything that had just been projected while he took Morgan away. They had solved time travel. They had actually found out how to go back in time. Her mind was blown away just by looking at it. As she was walking around the holographic model, Pepper came down the stairs looking for her. “You should rest honey. It’s late” she told her like a mother would. She smiled at her and waited for Tony to get back. “Maybe it’s not” she told her, leaving her puzzled. They both sat on the couch, Pepper reading a book and she was just thinking of the endless possibilities. People less lucky than her would get to see the sun again. Isabella’s family. Spider-kid, Wanda, Strange, Bucky. Oh Gods, Bucky. She had tried to forget about him and how much it had affected her. It had been one of the few failures of her life. “Not that it's a competition, but she loves me 3000. You were somewhere on the low 6 to 900 range” Tony announced as he joined them and got Pepper to scoff. “What are you reading?” he asked absentmindedly as she noticed. “Oh, it's just a book on composting” Pepper told him, making her long for a simple life once more. “What's new with composting?” he asked again without really wanting an answer. Before she could, he cut her off. “We figured it out, by the way” he blurred out, pointing at his daughter proudly. “You know, just so we're talking about the same thing –“ Pepper tried to catch up on their new discovery, very happy they were working together. “Time travel” he simply informed like it was nothing. “What? Wow... That's amazing, and... terrifying. Oh, that’s why you told me maybe it’s not late” she told him amazed as she turned to her still very much astonished. “We got really lucky” she commented and both of them agreed. “Yeah, I know” her father said a tad sad. “A lot of people didn't” Pepper softly nudged him. “No, I can't help everybody” he tried to be civilized and open for debate about it. “It sorta seems like you can. Both of you” his wife disagreed. “Not if I stop. I can put a pin in it right now, and stop” he insisted but they all new what was about to happen. “Tony, trying to get you to stop has been one of the few failures of my life” Pepper echoed her thought from moments ago. Tony smiled proudly about that very fact. “I sometimes feel I should put it in a locked box and drop it at the bottom of a lake... go to bed” he had almost given up on saying no. He wasn’t able to deny that she was right. “But would you be able to rest?” her soft voice pierced through his head. “And neither would you. I know that you left at some point because the memories were too much” she told her with honesty. She couldn’t believe how selfless Pepper was being about something so dangerous. “Come on, kiddo. It’s time to sleep. Tomorrow we are gonna go on a trip” Tony urged his daughter. She could get use to that. “Goodnight Pepper. Goodnight To-… dad” she finally told him, making him smile in pure happiness for the first time in a while.  

The whole world was changing and she had been a part of that very fact. Every plan, every strategy and every theory had been mapped out but she knew that sometimes, even the cleverest of minds can miss a point – so small that no one could have seen. Wanda was trying destroy Thanos, having cost everything to her, Scott and Hope were trying to kick start the engine of the van and everyone was trying to get the gauntlet as far away as possible, without it being very easy of a task. 

Pepper landed next to Okoye, followed by Mantis, Shuri, the Wasp, Gamora, Nebula and herself much to everyone else’s opinion – they all thought she was going to be right by Steve. Thanos' army charged while they helped Carol Danvers gey through the Outriders, Sakaarans and Chitauri. When Carol and she flew towards the van with the Gauntlet, Thanos, after being stopped by Pepper, Shuri and Hope, threw his double sword at the van, destroying it completely. He knocked Carol down and smacked Tony away as Thor arrived in an attempt to pin Thano’s arm down – Steve came rushing towards them, helping Thor but they were all overpowered. In a desperate attempt, when she saw Thanos picking up the gauntlet she punched him away. Thanos grabbed her by the arm and threw her away like she weighted nothing. Thanos put on the gauntlet, gamma radiation from the stones all over his body, as he tried to snap, but she arose again, and stopped his fingers from snapping, opening up his hand similar to what she had seen Steve doing in the other battle. She almost had him, forcing him onto his knees, as her powers were finally enough, she was ready to steal the stones herself. She knew she could take them on – she was part of them and they were part of her. But alas, he pulled the Power Stone out of the Gauntlet and used it in his free hand to hit her away, almost killing her in the prosses. Tony was looking at his daughter terrified and too scared to think of what might happen. He made one last attack on Thanos, having an entirely different plan on his mind. Thanos pushed him away, ending up right next to his older daughter. All it took was one look and she knew – before she could anything at all, everything was already over. “I am inevitable” Thanos snapped his fingers, but nothing happened. He saw that the stones were missing. “NO!” she screamed but Tony simply smiled at her. s except a metallic "clink." He sees the Infinity Stones are missing.

“And I– am– Iron Man”.

The cruelest thing that someone had done to her was first claim to love her more than anything in the world. That he had never seen anything as exquisite as her. That she was every star in the night sky. That he would never leave her. And then one day, out of the blue he did. He lulled her into a false sense of security, convincing her that this, this is the forever love she have been looking for. This is the kind of love she needed all this time, the kind of love she had craved and let her get comfortable in it because it would last. And then, one day, he walked away. He made her believe that there would never be another. And then one day, he forgot her. He simply left without warning after promising her eternity. How ephemeral it turned out to be... It had been years since he came back. Not him - not her Steve. Peggy's Steve. She had refused to meet him - she had refused to even look at him, or be in the same building. She felt betrayed. She had lost Natasha as she had sacrificed herself to get the fucking Soul Stone. She had lost her father and that felt on her - she still felt responsible. And then Steve had decided to leave her all alone to fight her demons after constantly reassuring her he loved her.  But he caught her by surprise, when he entered her office, as she was now in charge of everything her father once held - Morgan was too young and Pepper wanted some time off with her daughter. He knocked the door, waited for her to call him in and he entered. She had been facing the other way, on a phone call but the minute she turned and faced him, her phone fell on the floor and her heart skipped more beats than she could count. "Hello, Ms.. Stark. Do you have a minute for an old friend?" he was being polite as well as sarcastic but her mind had already imploded, so what the fuck? Gaining some of her confidence back, she raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms.  "We were never friends, Mr. Rogers" she fired coldly but he knew her better and she hated it. He looked at her and all it took was a moment. He too raised his eyebrow and walked towards her with absolutely no intention of leaving. Before she could register his acts, he had enveloped her in to his big hug and she felt so fucking angry - it still felt like home. Without even knowing it, she was crying with her head almost resting on his chest.  "It’s weird. It’s weird how you have the same face but you’re a completely different person. It’s weird how I have so many amazing memories with you but they died off as you’re a completely different person. It’s weird that I’m mourning over someone that is still alive because you’re a completely different person. It’s weird, you’re a completely different person. And I hate you for leaving me, but I can never really hate you because I love you" she told him as he sat them down to her couch. She left his arms to look at him. She lowered her walls and finally opened up to him again.  "If I could do it all again, I would stay up later. I would ask more questions, unashamed of how personal they were and not afraid that I wouldn’t like the answers. If I could start over with you, I wouldn’t doubt my instincts. I wouldn’t fear what people thought if I catered to your every whim and laughed at every stupid joke. If I could try again, I would embrace every moment of every fight and ask for everything I needed from you. I wouldn’t worry if I was too needy, too attached, too much of anything. I would be myself more. I would scream louder. I wouldn’t hesitated to tell you I love you, in every way, every day. If I could do it again, I would not love you in halting steps always looking for some sort of validation that I was stepping on solid ground. I would jump into you and if you didn’t catch me, then I would still be picking up the same broken pieces I am now" she sincerely told him. She had lost both her friend and her father, both of them in the name of salvation and then Steve choose to leave her and go back. She had refused to exist for a while because she couldn't function. As everything crumbled around her, she had looked for a something to hold on to, but those closest couldn’t hear her amidst their screaming matches. She looked for those who swore to be there during her weakest moment only to see the illusion fade away leaving only crossed fingers, emptiness, and disappointment. She was done searching for someone, when someone did appear.  Without even thinking about it, he wiped a single tear that ran across her cheek. He wasn't her Steve, but those eyes...  "I never believed that I would have felt the way you made me feel after all those years in the ice. I owe you everything. And repaying you in the way I did... I wouldn't have forgiven me if I were you. An apology won't help, I know. For what it’s worth, you will always hold a special place" he told her in tender way that reminded her of their story and more tears found their way out. And he wiped every single one of them. She could tell from the way he hugged her when he saw her. He had kept the silent promise he had made when she was too drunk to remember what she had asked of him. Years had passed since she allowed herself to see him again. After saying a polite hello, they hugged like friends did. But then he squeezed her a little tighter right before he let go. She had almost rested her head on his chest out of habit, because it suddenly felt just like old times. She had thought she'd never be in his embrace again but there they were. They both wanted to hold on tighter but they knew they were different now. But she could tell from the way he hugged her, from the way he held on just a little longer, that somewhere, deep down...  "I missed you too" she smiled at him, a strange but very much wanted feeling of relief washing over her heart. They both knew, no one could stop loving. Once you have loved someone honestly, truly, you will never be able to un-love them. You can only find someone you will love more. At that time, your old love will not feel so strong, but it will always be in your heart, it will never let you forget something that at some point along the way made you happy.  "You hold a special place in someone else's heart too, you know" he commented like a genie. Her eyebrow arched. "Stop playing matchmaker, you old wise owl" she mocked him. At least, she could start again. He still held her face in his hands, he still held a piece of her, he would always be her first love. The bigger the love, the harder the fall. They stayed like that until Bucky walked into her office, looking for her. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously when he saw Steve holding her but he reprimanded himself almost immediately. She saw the way Steve looked up at him and she knew he wanted some alone time him. Leaving his hands was harder than she thought, smiling at all times. "Don't be a stranger, Rogers" she bid him goodbye but his eyes told her this wasn't the last time they would see each other and she found solace. She passed Bucky in her way out, smiling brightly to him, making his eyes sparkle in hope. She had just left the room when she heard Steve being completely honest.

"She is different now. I was too much of a punk to see how beautiful she really was. Her heart was beautiful, she cared so much about me and I never understood why. I don't think I treated her the way she deserves to be treated - but you do. Don't look at me like that, Bucky. I am old, not blind. I can see the way you two look at each other. Back then, her love scared me, it was so intense. I almost forgot how enticing her smile was. She just wasted so many tears on someone like me and for that I will never forgive me" he told his friend but his mind was someplace else. She smiled to herself and finally left them alone. Whatever was to come, she would face it. Finding closure had never been about forgetting. It had never been about drowning out the voices of her past or about closing her heart to memories that used to make you happy. Finding closure meant accepting a situation for what it was and moving on. It was coming to terms with the way things were and knowing that she couldn't change what had happened, but could still find growth among the broken pieces.

 _____

“I am so glad I got my heart broken. It led me to you”. ____

Taglist: @accio-rogers @coffee-with-orion @stydia-4-ever​ @smilexcaptainx​ @elliee1497​

[thoughts-of-the-unheard]

fuck America for their public school system

fuck America for many reasons all the time but for now bc of public schools lack of education

I took a creative writing class. one assignment involved MLA format. multiple freshman (ninth grade, first year of high school) didn't know what that was, let alone how to do it. the teacher had to take the day to teach them. I learned MLA in 6th grade, at a charter school (which is still technically a public school just better).  

I am going into my senior year (12th grade, last year) of high school. I was required to take one health class, which I took in freshman year. it was a 45 day class. the only time women were referenced was when we were talking about birth and pregnancy. my teacher said abstinence was “the only 100% foolproof way not to get pregnant”. I missed half of the time we talked about pregnancy because me and two other classmates were in the library printing out our work for another assignment in that class. we only saw the last 5 or 10 minutes of “the miracle of life”, a video about birth from 1982. we did not have to make it up in any way. I have never be told anything about whats in my body or how anything works. ive never heard anything about the female body that wasn't ‘you can give birth, heres a video from 20 years before you were born”. 

in honors biology, we learned how the body breaks down food, which I learned in 7th grade. we learned about dna and rna, which I learned in 8th grade. we learned about how cells work, which I learned in 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 8th grade (I did go to different schools for 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade though (catholic school, catholic, charter school)). a classmate and I were on a field trip the day we dissected frogs. we did not have to make it up. we talked about it once the next day and moved on. we learned about extra chromosomes and missing chromosomes. we did not learn which gender went with x and which went with y. we did not learn about primary sex characteristics, let alone secondary ones. we did not learn that women store fat differently than men. we did not learn about the different organs females have. we did not learn that those very important organs are the reason we have a little pouch by our belly. we did not learn that it is impossible to have a flat stomach because of this. 

I learned all of that off of various things that have happened onto my path on the internet. ive learned so much more about my body through offhanded comments and random posts then I have learned and will ever learn through the American public school system. 

everyone knows the signs of a heart attack. not everyone knows those are the signs for men. not everyone knows the signs of a heart attack are completely different in women. the only reason I know, is because I happened to have a female first aid teacher who made sure we knew, even if the textbook didn't tell us. 

I took child development because I work with kids and though it could help. we spent like 3 weeks on pregnancy and birth. the class was 9 weeks long. we didn't talk about how painful birth can be. we didn't talk about how the mother being in that position for hours can be damaging. we didn't talk about having to get stitched up. we didn't talk about how some male doctors will unconsentually add an extra stitch, nicknamed the ‘husband stitch’, so the vigina is tighter. we didn't talk about how painful this can make things for the woman. the teacher had us try on a pregnancy belly to simulate “what it will be like when youre pregnant”. I don't want to have children and I never have. I got out of it because I went to the bathroom. the final was in part a project and part written test. our final project was to take care of a mechanical baby for 15 hours. I asked what would happen if the baby cried during the night and I didn't wake up. she said “you will”. the baby cried ten times at night. I was awake for two of them. I failed that part of the final. I didn't learn anything I didn't already know.

I definitely have more examples but my mom distracted me and now I cant remember but basis is: fuck America and fuck the government who decided kids aren't worth it and fuck the old people who are in that government or who voted for them and call us dumb for not knowing the shit theyre hiding from us

[madeleinesfm-blog]

             *  𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨  𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞  !  i’m  super  excited  to  be  here  (  and  actually  coming  back  ,  but  i  decided  to  change  my  alias  because  i’m  a  certified  child  )  ,  but  if  you’ve  been  here  since  opening  ,  then  you  once  probably  knew  me  as  kris  .  i  prefer  she  /  her  or  they  /  them  pronouns  ,  i’m  21+  ,  and  reside  in  the  est  timezone  .  nonetheless  ,  i  missed  six  and  i  decided  to  come  back  ,  but  this  time  with  my  woman  crush  everyday  ,  madeleine  kim  .  she’s  a  spoiled  brat  and  quite  literally  an  asshole  ,  so  please  bear  with  me  for  this  lengthy  intro  !  

            (  rosé  .  cis  female  .  she  /  her  .  twenty  four  )  omg  !  i  was  walking  yonge  street  downtown  ,  and  you’ll  never  guess  who  i  saw  .  madeleine  kim  !  i  just  saw  a  post  about  them  on  sixsecrets  !  i  think  it  said  something  like  ‘  madeleine  kim  gets  in  a  twitter  war  with  anti  -  fan  ,  and  we’re  living  for  her  clapbacks  !  ’  .  isn’t  that  wild  ?  i  guess  it  makes  sense  though  ,  since  they’re  apparently  contemptuous  and  loathsome  ,  but  i’ve  heard  they’re  also  unadulterated  and  companionable  .  i  mean  ,  it’s  not  like  i  know  them  personally  —  they’re  a  famous  heiress  and  youtuber  !  you  know  ,  i’ve  actually  heard  rumors  that  redacted  ,  but  they’re  just  rumors  ...  i  think  .  if  you  happen  to  run  into  them  ,  tell  them  i’m  their  biggest  fan  !

i.  statistics  .

NAME  :  madeleine  kim  .

NICKNAMES  :  mads  +  maddy  .

AGE  +  DATE  OF  BIRTH  :  24  +  june  19th  ,  1996  .

ASTROLOGICAL  SIGN  :  gemini  ,  gemini  sun  +  cancer  moon  .

MYERS - BRIGGS  PERSONALITY  TYPE  :  estp  .

MORAL  ALIGNMENT  :  neutral  evil  .

ENNEAGRAM  TYPE  :  the  observer  .

GENDER  +  PRONOUNS  :  cis  female  +  she  /  her  /  hers  .

PLACE  OF  BIRTH  :  ascot  ,  queensland  ,  australia  .

PLACE  OF  RESIDENCE  :  toronto  ,  ontario  ,  canada  +  click  .

SEXUAL  ORIENTATION  :  bisexual  .

ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION  :  biromantic  .

OCCUPATION  :  social  media  influencer  ,  heiress  +  model  .

NATIONALITY  :  australian  .

ETHNICITY  :  korean  .

PINTEREST  :  click  .

ii.  biography  .

madeleine  kim  was  born  to  tae - min  and  min - ji  kim  during  the  summer  of  1996  in  sydney  ,  aus  .  tae - min  had  already  been  growing  a  fortune  as  he  was  one  of  the  top  real  estate  agents  within  the  city  of  ascot  .  min - ji  was  a  woman  who  wanted  everything  handed  to  her  ,  and  thus  ,  when  madeleine  was  two  her  parents  had  gotten  a  divorce  .  her  mother  went  off  to  marry  another  man  ,  and  she  hasn’t  seen  her  since  she  walked  out  with  her  louis  vuitton  suitcases  .

for  the  next  five  years  ,  tae - min  put  romance  on  the  back  burner  as  he  continued  to  build  his  real  estate  empire  .  eventually  ,  he  left  the  agency  he  was  working  with  to  open  his  own  ,  and  the  agency  was  an  instant  success  due  to  previous  clients  continuously  sending  their  referrals  to  him  .  the  agency  slowly  began  to  incorporate  custom  builds  into  their  system  ,  adding  on  to  the  empire  .

for  little  madeleine  ,   she  was  the  apple  of  her  father’s  eye  .  he  was  continuously  spoiling  her  and  getting  her  whatever  she  wanted  .  if  she  wanted  a  princess  themed  birthday  ,  then  she  was  getting  a  custom  made  dress  and  a  little  tiara  to  match  .  there  was  never  a  day  where  she  didn’t  get  everything  that  she  asked  for  ,  and  she  especially  would  always  clasp  her  hands  together  every  night  and  ask  to  not  have  a  new  mommy  .

sadly  ,  this  was  the  one  time  where  madeleine  didn’t  get  what  she  asked  for  as  she  was  soon  introduced  to  her  step - mother  ,  bo - ra  jeong  ,  when  she  was  thirteen  years  old  .  bo - ra  was  a  nasty  woman  ,  a  woman  who  didn’t  want  children  ,  and  believed  that  children  should  neither  be  seen  or  heard  .  although  madeleine  didn’t  know  her  biological  mother  ,  she  definitely  took  after  her  in  terms  of  personality  as  she  continuously  bumped  heads  with  her  step - mother  .  there  was  never  a  moment  where  the  two  weren’t  at  each  other’s  throats  ,  and  madeleine  was  especially  upset  with  her  father  for  never  taking  her  side  .

thus  ,  madeleine  became  an  angry  girl  who  took  all  of  her  frustrations  out  elsewhere  .  during  her  high  school  years  is  when  madeleine  made  her  youtube  channel  .  originally  ,  it  could  have  been  seen  as  a  place  where  she  ranted  out  her  frustrations  about  her  step - mother  ,  but  she  primarily  liked  the  aspect  of  doing  something  creative  .  for  the  first  year  ,  she  transitioned  out  of  ranting  lol  and  into  doing  things  she  actually  enjoyed  .  she  often  talked  about  clothing  ,  hair  ,  and  makeup  ,  but  the  subscriber  count  was  very  slow  .  

during  that  time  ,  madeleine  was  faking  being  ‘  relatable  ’  as  it  was  the  most  popular  way  to  grow  a  channel  ,  so  she  often  hid  the  designer  labels  in  her  bedroom  and  filmed  in  one  of  the  smaller  rooms  in  their  home  .  thanks  to  this  ,  her  subscriber  count  began  to  slow  ,  and  she  slowly  changed  back  to  her  actual  personality  where  she  began  to  show  off  the  things  she  or  her  father  purchased  for  her  .  

it  was  in  2014  when  madeleine  graduated  from  high  school  ,  and  her  step - mother  pushed  for  her  to  move  out  .  madeleine  was  annoyed  by  this  ,  but  with  her  channel  growing  ,  she  knew  that  she  was  able  to  do  so  .  not  only  that  ,  but  she  now  had  access  to  the  money  that  her  father  had  been  saving  for  years  ,  so  madeleine  left  and  decided  to  make  toronto  her  new  home  .

as  an  eighteen  year  old  moving  to  a  new  country  ,  madeleine  decided  that  she  would  document  the  journey  through  a  series  on  her  channel  ,  which  aided  in  the  boost  in  her  follower  count  .  she  showed  the  process  of  finding  an  apartment  ,  purchasing  furniture  and  moving  in  ,  which  led  to  a  lot  of  chaotic  vlogs  and  people  really  enjoyed  seeing  her  personality  shine  through  .

madeleine  has  now  been  living  in  toronto  for  the  last  six  years  ,  and  has  been  gaining  subscribers  slowly  but  surely  .  although  she  does  weekly  vlogs  ,  she  still  does  sit  down  videos  for  makeup  ,  fashion  ,  and  hair  .  

iii.  social  media  statistics  .

YOUTUBE  :  23.5m  subscribers  .

INSTAGRAM  :  21m  followers  .  

TWITTER  :  9.8m  followers  .

TIKTOK  :  3.2m  followers  .

iv.  temperament  .

she’s  a  bitch  and  that’s  that  on  that  OUYHUYOIU  .  she’s  very  blunt  and  doesn’t  find  a  reason  to  hold  her  tongue  because  how  the  hell  else  is  she  supposed  to  get  what  she  wants  .  of  course  ,  she’s  really  easy  to  get  along  with  but  it’s  also  equally  as  easy  to  get  on  her  bad  side  ,  so  she  can  turn  into  an  asshole  real  quick  .

madeleine  has  a  HUGE  superiority  complex  ,  and  it’s  so  ugly  !  she  doesn’t  outright  brag  because  she’s  really  not  that  bad  ,  but  it’s  not  unheard  of  her  to  make  little  subtle  remarks  in  reference  to  the  amount  of  money  her  family  has  .  to  put  it  simply  ,  madeleine  is  the  mean  friend  .

she’s  a  person  who  likes  to  challenge  almost  everything  ,  so  she  has  a  habit  of  coming  off  as  someone  who  creates  chaos  just  for  the  sake  of  it  .  she’s  definitely  not  a  stone  cold  bitch  by  any  means  ,  but  depending  on  certain  situations  she  can  sometimes  lack  sympathy  /  compassion  and  will  straight  up  tell  someone  to  ‘  get  over  it  ’  .   she  might  not  be  the  one  to  start  arguments  ,  but  she  will  finish  them  .

v.  headcanons  .

she  is  never  without  her  vlogging  camera  !  she  always  has  extra  batteries  in  her  purse  just  in  case  ,  so  she’s  ready  to  whip  out  her  camera  whenever  the  moment  calls  for  one  .

madeleine  is  a  pot  stirrer  and  she  wears  that  badge  with  pride  .  do  NOT  tell  her  a  secret  because  she  is  not  one  to  be  trusted  with  such  information  .  she  will  spill  the  beans  ,  tote  the  news  to  her  friends  (  especially  if  she  doesn’t  like  you  )  ,  and  be  hella  shady  .  she  will  literally  spill  your  tea  and  own  the  fact  that  she  did  .

her  hair  is  canon  to  rosé’s  as  she  was  a  strawberry  blonde  for  a  very  long  time  before  dying  it  with  a  silver  tone  with  blue  highlights  .  has  a  habit  of  always  touching  her  hair  and  forever  has  a  scrunchie  in  her  bag  because  she  can’t  live  without  them  .  

the  spare  bedroom  of  her  apartment  is  reserved  for  filming  ,  so  she  set  up  ‘  stations  ’  where  one  side  is  made  for  doing  makeup  videos  ,  another  is  used  for  fashion  /  standing  videos  ,  and  the  back  wall  is  where  she  films  sit  down  videos  .  she  mostly  loves  making  vlogs  ,  though  ,  and  she  does  weekly  videos  .

madeleine  is  calm  chaos  ,  which  is  the  best  way  to  explain  her  .  she  doesn’t  hold  her  tongue  (  per  her  headline  )  ,  and  she  doesn’t  really  hold  her  tongue  either  .  very  much  has  twitter  fingers  but  she  backs  it  up  .

vi.  wanted  connections  .

            my  favorite  part  aka  plots  !  i  find  rich  kids  rps  having  room  for  plenty  of  stuff  ,  so  if  none  of  this  works  or  if  there’s  something  else  you  want  to  do  ,  please  let  me  know  !  all  of  these  plots  are  open  to  female  ,  male  ,  and  non - binary  pals  ,  so  if  something  interests  you  as  well  please  yell  at  me  about  it  because  i  love  yelling  about  plots  NJFBHDBSJHDS  .  

give  me  an  ex - girlfriend  or  give  me  death  !  i’m  thinking  about  something  that  was  cute  and  soft  ,  someone  who  appeared  in  her  vlogs  a  lot  and  someone  who  her  subscribers  absolutely  adored  !  i’m  thinking  that  they  broke  up  on  relatively  mutual  /  good  terms  ,  so  they’ve  become  good  friends  since  their  break  up  !

due  to  her  personality  ,  i  wouldn’t  be  surprised  if  madeleine  found  herself  in  a  toxic  relationship  .  lots  of  back  and  forth  ,  lots  of  arguments  that  ended  in  them  quite  literally  kissing  and  making  up  ,  but  give  me  something  i’ll  dream  about  KNFDBSIFDS  .

i  don’t  really  have  a  label  for  this  one  ,  but  something  that  was  highly  disapproved  by  their  friends  /  inner  circle  ?  this  would  require  a  little  more  plotting  just  to  get  dynamics  down  ,  but  i’m  just  picturing  something  where  when  they  made  it  official  their  friends  were  like  ‘  why  would  you  date  them  ?  ’  so  there  was  probably  a  lot  of  moments  where  they  felt  like  it  was  them  against  the  world  but  i  think  it  could  be  an  interesting  dynamic  to  write  !

the  way  that  madeleine  has  enemies  is  sickening  !  i’m  looking  for  something  where  they  genuinely  hate  one  another  and  there’s  no  chance  of  them  EVER  becoming  friends  .  i  have  no  clue  as  to  why  they  wouldn’t  be  friends  ,  but  i  want  is  please  .

some  collaborators  !  people  who  show  up  on  her  igtv  reels  every  so  often  or  even  in  her  youtube  videos  (  in  videos  like  ‘  what  my  friend  wears  to  fashion  week  ’  or  even  general  vlogs  )  ,  and  they  go  on  little  adventures  with  one  another  !  i  just  think  it  could  be  something  cute  and  fun  !

[daddyd0nt]

Classrooms Should Not Be A “Safe Space”

There should be no classroom where a student feels unwelcome for trying to learn and better themselves.  Especially in areas like racial/cultural/gender studies, these should be places of LEARNING not just regurgitating what you all already agree with.  Let people ask questions.  Let people get it wrong and correct them.  

Sophomore year, I joined a sociology class that required no prerequisites or major (aka a beginner class open to everybody) and was really excited and open to the fact that it was run by the Black Studies department because I thought “wow, something other than the white upper class sociology professor, cool.”  When I got there, I was the only white person, and one of three non-black people.  All the students appeared to know the professor already from other classes, who gave off that “cool guy” vibe by opening his classes with music videos and saying ‘fuck’ a lot.  I mentioned him to a friend who had taken a class with him before and knew him as a person (she was black) and she advised I drop the class right away.  I thought she was saying this because the class itself was hard, but when I asked her, shed taken a different class and still advised me to drop it.  We were reading “All the Women Are White, All the Blacks Are Men, But Some of Us Are Brave” which is an amazing book and I was really into the class so I didn’t.  

I sensed some hostility from the professor building until one day I got up to go to the bathroom and he started yelling “You have no respect, you think you can just come and go you don’t respect the class or me” and I profusely apologized and explained that the Disability Resource Center should have sent him a letter that I was on medication and would likely need to use the restroom once or more per class.  I went to the restroom and took all my stuff and left crying (Im REALLY bad about being yelled at by authority figures) and one of the boys followed me out and was another person who told me, concerned, “Drop the class”.  I had to keep the class to have a full-time schedule or I couldnt live on campus so I had no other option by that point in the semester.

A few weeks later, I was reading along on my laptop (which id brought to every previous class, as my disability accommodations allowed it) and he thought i wasnt paying attention so he came by me and slammed a textbook to the ground next to me as hard as he could.  Im autistic, and the loud noise startled me and I started sniffling and he grabbed my laptop really roughly by the screen so the bottom part was hanging, saw that i was reading along, and then dropped it back on my desk with no apology.  I had a panic attack and left the class and, according to somebody who stayed, changed the topic of the day to my “white fragility” and that I was a “crying white woman” (which like technically yea but i wasnt crying because white guilt or being called racist I was crying because I was autistic and startled with a sudden loud noise which is a major trigger).

There were other smaller incidents (he had a major problem with my absences and took them personally even though i have a chronic illness and was absent from every class just the same, I even went out of my way to try to get to his because I was so afraid of him by then).  There was a time where we were talking about drugs and he asked a question about “what drug can get you a life sentence in jail” and I answered “LSD” because there had recently been a case in the news of exactly that happening and so of course I thought he was referring to that and was looking forward to finally getting something right.  How he corrected me: “This girl, again.  Black people don’t DO acid”.  Then he went on to talk about the crack epidemic and i was like oh that makes sense but what I said wasnt wrong?  

He was yelling at me “Do you ever pay any attention?  You barely even show up.  You probably expect me to hand you an A just for taking this class”.  This was at the end of class, and I said to him (crying, again, because i cant talk to ‘real adults’ without melting down) that I had autism and ADHD, that they were both on file with the DRC, and he said my learning disorder and disability were excuses that white people used “to give a head start to their lazy children” and that it was “entitled” of me to ask that my accommodations be respected because my disability was really just white laziness and he made a really good point about how black kids are less likely to be diagnosed with learning disabilities and are treated as behavioral cases which yeah 100% correct but he used it as a way to say “these disabilities dont really exist” not “these disabilities are under-diagnosed in certain communities”.

The final straw was my midterm paper.  I wrote on the book I mentioned above, a really good paper that I worked really hard on that met all the requirements of the rubric.  It came back to me marked C- without any notes or corrections on it, while everybody else had red writing all over their pages.  I mentioned it to my friend who had taken his class before and she said “Oh, he wont give the white kids higher than a C-, its the lowest grade he can give without having to cite a reason.  Hes bragged about it” (she knew him on a personal level, like been-to-his-house-for-dinner personal).  So I ripped the paper up and never went back to his class and just let him fail me for attendance.  It was the first class I ever failed.

The entire time I was trying to learn, I was treated like an outsider.  This was not the BSU or the African Heritage Society or any place where I should have been treated any different than any other student (those places would have been well right to reject me as those are not my spaces).  This was an entry-level classroom, but to the professor I did not belong there even though I paid the same tuition as my classmates.  Every question was treated as hostile.  Every mistake was a personal insult. Ive seen the same thing happen in my women’s lit classes or feminist-related sociology classes done to male students, although I can only speak to my own experiences, its distressing for EVERYBODY in the room, not just the person the professor targets.  

If you are in a classroom in good faith willing to learn, you belong in that classroom.  Professors who act otherwise do nothing but scare people who want to learn away from knowledge (I was afraid to take any classes that overlapped with the Black Studies department after that until my senior year when I took a literature class that overlapped, which was lovely and I learned a lot because the professor was interested in teaching).  There are clubs, student unions, etc that are wonderful to serve as a safe space and a space that excludes those outside of the community but the classroom, where we all pay the same to be, can NOT be a “safe space”.  Classrooms, if anything, should be a DANGEROUS space full of ideas and feedback that threaten the world view you walked in with.

IDK mostly this is just venting about a shitty professor because Im tweaking but yeah him and this lady I took a “women in drama” class with were two of the worst professors in existence and you shouldn’t take pride in making somebody afraid to learn.  IDK.  I feel like these kind of classes can really bring out abusive personality types because it is somehow implicit that there are some students you are allowed to abuse and take the high road if you get called on it (a MAN complaining about his FEMALE teacher in a class on WOMEN automatically looks bad).  IDK.  Abusive teachers are real and do real damage.