#ive not even watched that many streams but i cant stop learning spanish | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

suzyqrara · 5 years ago

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4/3/2020

It is 2:46AM and I think I am mentally ready to allow GOD to lead me and Mason to our life’s journey. I woke up at 1 AM and I thought about GOD. I miss being a serving and active Christian. I want to be a part of a community where I am acknowledged as a person and respected just because it is a nice thing to do. I want to be involved in a community that does not judge me and wants to get to know me. I keep thinking about that Somerset church. The only reason why I keep thinking about them is because the Paster still comes to my house and asks for MAse and I to come back.. bit creepy but sweet. The last time he came was this past summer actually. I’ve only been there maybe 2 times and it was 3 years ago. I signed up to get info about the single families ministries in Oasis and this Sunday I will check out Worship Church in New Brunswick. I thought I wanted my 30s to be the “chronicles of ass” lol, tales of my booty call experiences. But I think that will be a complete waste of time for me. To keep going on these dates and make myself open to having sex just because they look do-able and not really giving a damn if we have chemistry. I know, its very stupid. I never find someone Ihave chemistry with so thats why I ereased that completely out of the equation for the sake of experience. I want experience so I know what I am doing in bed and someone will want to be in a relationship with me. That’s so stupid. If someone is in a relationship just because I give good sex, that would be the saddest thing in the world and super unfair to me since I have so much more to offer. I would be committed to them and they would blind me from the man that would love me as I am. Low libido and all. My libido has been super low. I wrote what I would be doing to better explore myself and I haven’t even startedyet. My last experience with a one night stand was just super disappointing. I understand that I want to have more sex so I can know what it is that everyone is so obsessed about. But it is so risky. For me to have sex with them just because I want to experience something I dont even know I will find. I wanted to experience good sex and passion with someone.

I 100% know I will be a wife one day. I 100% know I will have an amazing husband and my heart will melt for him and his heart will melt for me. I think having pointless sex will derail me from him completely. I’ll be wasting my time with losers, comit to another Marvin and miss out on my man since I wont be single. I also know that my husband will love that I only had one partner. I think I am ready to stop online dating and find passion in Christ again. I fell in love with Jesus when I was 20 and he has been with me this whole decade of being lost. I always felt him but this whole want for a “normal” dating life has kept me from being with him. I know that I don’t need to go to church to be with God. God is with me now and he woke me up at 1 AM. In fact I 100 % know that when I wake up this early in the night it is because he wants me up to pray.

I don’t enjoy reading the bible on my own. More then half of the time I don’t understand what it is talking about and that is why I really want to go to church because physically going to one will get me to little by little learn about the bible. I am also a social person, even though I am introvert, I enjoy being around other people and I want to learn the bible by being with other people. The loneliness I feel everytime I go to a new church is worse then the dissatisfaction I feel after a akward or completely pointless date Ive had. I am happy to go to the church but I always felt a sense of sadness and loneliness coming out of it. That feeling alone stops me from embarking another experience with another church. Being with Mason helps so much. I feel less lonely walking out of it. I have a feeling my husband is already walking with Christ and he is just waiting for me to get it together. I know that we wont meet until I am 100% on my own walking with Jesus. Just thinking about it brings me comfort. Ive been anxious for the last 2 weeks and I feel comfort knowing I am ready to pursue GOD again. I feel so good knowing that I can care less about being sexually experienced at this age…at the moment… hopefully it will continue to tomorrow and on. Searching for a relationship so Mason can have a male to look up too. I am happy that Im in the space to stop that search and search for my relationship with GOD because God will 100% provide for Mason and I. It would be nice to have a male figure for Mason to look up too but he is thriving with just me taking care of him. He is super happy and he is such a good boy. I was blessed with him because I don’t have to do much in raising him..just be there for him and with him. I feel sad that Marvin doesn’t get to experience him but at the same time I feel so blessed that I have him pretty much to myself.

I am scared that I will watch one of the live streams from w/e church I pick and I will get bored. I will watch it and then I wont feel like listening to the pastor speak again. But I have to think of my journey with God as a journey in a new relationship. When you feel a connection with someone and you agree to see each other again, You go through a periods of getting to know them. I need to get to know god little by little. But Im saiying what if I begin the cycle of church hopping. I need to just have faith. Its like exercise. You know you need it but to start the habit is super hard because you don’t know if you will be motivated the next day to work out like you did the day before. I am on and off with exercising but I still try even though it doesn’t feel good. Once I make a habit of it and I start to see results that in itself will continue to motivate my drive. Same thing with God. I know I want a relationship with him again and open my heart up to him and his plan for me. But to physically go to church is super hard just like working out on the first day. I am not sure if I will like the church and I dread the feeling of loneliness afterward. But if God has set with me a church for weeks on end then I need to trust it and make a habit of going there. Little by little I will feel his presences within me and I will feel that sweet feeling of meditation and comfort and that will be a motivator in itself. I am thinking about a church with diversity. I don’t want to go to an all black church, all white church, all Spanish church. I will feel good if it is diverse with all types of backgrounds, ethnicities and cutures. Im so over feeling like an outcast. In an all white church I don’t feel like an outcast but church that are all white usually gives me a sense of stuck up and judgemental. Ive felt the most lonely coming out of an all white church. They say hello but that’s it,nothing else. Spanish churches are wonderful and I feel a good connection but I don’t like to feel like an outcast when they have to translate what they are initially saying to me in English. They have no problem doing it but Ive experienced too many times where they have an depth conversation about something and they begin to speak in spanish. They cant translate it to me because they are having a moment of passionate expression. They do explain to me afterward what it is they are talking about but it gives me a lonely feeling because I am not connecting with them during that moment of passion because I don’t understand them. All black church is fine too but I feel like I stand out too much and that in itself is uncomfortable so I cant really relax as much as I would like to feel God in my heart and soul. That’s why I want a church with all different types of ethnicities and backgrounds. Oasis is and it is in NewBrunswick. Plus Oasis speaks to me because they have a single parent ministry and I really want to connect with other single parents so I don’t feel alone in that as well.

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