#ive never known i never will know and i cant even be nostalgic for when i was younger because when i was younger sucked half the time

[aros-by-any-other-name]

i am not strong.

(tw: discussions of childhood trauma, self harm tendencies)

tonight i am in so much pain but it doesnt feel real. the only thing i want to do is make it real.

i am resisting. but there is no one here to see my effort except my weak, cruel self.

ive never had a home. ive never had a family. i dont know what those things mean. i cant want something i dont understand. i cant dream of something i cant even picture.

i wish someone would help me but there is no one. i know there is no one. i have told myself this for so long. i am annoyed that i still wish for it when i have known there is no one for so long.

i have to build my life for myself. i have to define what i need for myself. i have to find what i want for myself. i have to tell others what i want for myself. 

i dont know any of these things about myself, because all i have ever known and felt is pain and suffering and dissociation. these are the only things i can call home, nostalgic, familiar. and its only been just recently that ive even been able to consider that i dont have to want those anymore.

i dont have any reference for what a happy life for me could look like. it makes it seem like there is truly none out there for me. how easy it is for me to believe the lie that i was (and still am) too stupidly sensitive and yearning and naive, and now all that is left to do is continuously fuck up my life until i realize how good i had it before. the eternal narrative of the ungrateful spoiled child.

the only opposing narrative i have is of people who escaped their family and made their own. who first gained kindness and gentleness outside their parents from a trusted lover. 

i dont have the words, the experiences, the energy, to prove that my way of life isnt hopeless and worthless. i need help. i dont have the ability to prove im deserving, because i myself dont believe it yet. im so used to hearing that the reason im not happy is because i was born terribly wrong. because i didnt put enough effort into doing the right thing. because im not thinking about things the right way. because i dont have the right attitude. because of how i am.

if you tell me im not happy because im somehow choosing to be aro, i’ll believe you. if you tell me im not happy because im cutting myself off from opportunities, i’ll believe you. i’ll look for any excuse to prove im doing things wrong. 

i am not a strong aro. i am not a confident aro. i am just. how i am. i’ll believe anything familiar. and what is familiar is blind acceptance and shame. and pain.

no one will see this pain. is it real if it’s not reflected in anyone else’s eyes? i will not see this pain. i will not feel it.

please someone make it real for me. i want so badly for it to just be real.

[matazz]

entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.‬ ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.

[flakandforay]

뱁새 Silver Spoon Analysis

this is the analysis for 뱁새 - the 6th track of bangtan’s 4th mini album, 화양연화 pt. 2

i will be analysing several components - music, lyrics and choreography. 

disclaimer: this is just my personal opinion, feel free to disagree. do let me know your thoughts in my ask box

overall: talk about a really hyped song that could easily be on par or even overtake dope. the heavy bass and lit song is what we all need once in a while to let loose.

music: the song already starts off with some heavy bass and synths that are so intense - one could already sense that this song is going to be hardcore without any lyrics yet; it’s just how it is. for some reason, the synths kinda sound really creepy and this underlying muffled bass complements the whole beat. not to mention this creepy keyboard melody that just seals the deal. it’s a full 10 seconds worth of soaking in the beat and ive never felt so hyped for it. then at 0:10, here comes the impending crescendo percussion that would lead to the chorus.

the chorus drops already with namjoon and one could hear how there is doubling already to enhance the sound of the song especially songs like this where people could easily sing along to etc. not to mention how namjoon’s style of doing this chorus with his volume of the voice only complements the song even more. not to mention that short adlib of ‘whoo’ at 0:19 and that part before yoongi continues at 0:22-0:23 to hype up the chorus even more ( who knew one could hype the chorus even more than it should !!!! ) also i love how the impending percussion comes around to signal the end of the chorus as well.

then hoseok starts off with his rap at 0:35 with a more relaxed tone to complement the beat that is less intense now. yet even at hoseok’s rap, there’s a lot of adlibs as well inside such as at 0:42 and 0:46. then it transitions quickly to namjoon taking over at 0:47, but the way he raps here is more enunciated to go with the beat now and interestingly namjoon’s part can be seen as a link between the rap and the prechorus especially since it’ll be repeated later on. then this quick synth comes in at 0:57 to signal taehyung’s part for the prechorus.

interestingly this prechorus is not driven so much by the percussion but rather driven by the brasses and synth that gives it a unique sound together with how taehyung does his part slightly differently as well. then there’s this percussion rhythm at 1:03 that becomes quite important as signal markers throughout the song. there’s this quick line at 1:12 before taehyung continues his prechorus again but with a voice slightly lighter; yet it still sounds full because of jungkook doubling for him.

the song then quickly transitions to 1:21 with the vocal line but more on jimin and taehyung as their voices stand out more here. oh, and that riff at 1:30 by jungkook and jimin that leads into the chorus by hoseok this time round- yet keeping the same intensity as the first chorus as though it hadn’t even changed. unexpectedly, there is no synth or percussion that builds in the intensity unlike other songs where one could easily predict the drop but for this case, it seemed as though one would already know when the drop would happen honestly- really interesting if you asked me. namjoon then come back to take over the second part of the chorus and one could hear the more prominent creepy synths being used.

then it moves on to yoongi’s part at 1:55 with namjoon doing a bit of doubling as well. but here the beat is less intense again, pushing the emphasis this time round to the lyrics of yoongi much like hoseok earlier on. then at 2:05, there is that quick hype before it moves on to namjoon again being the link of the rap verses to the prechorus. interesting how namjoon has no actual rap verses here but rather does the links between the verses and the prechorus.

taehyung then comes in swiftly at 2:18 and talk about the use of brasses right here and it suits taehyung’s timbre of voice as well. not to mention the percussion inside is great as well and then short line at 2:29 before taehyung resumes again together with the creepy synth back again.

then there is this nice switch in which the bridge comes around with jungkook singing it at 2:42 and there’s his slight breakdown as well in the beat without the synth but more on percussion. then namjoon comes in at 2:48 with ‘you must be kidding me’ before taehyung comes in again at 2.51. interestingly at 3:06, one could hear jungkook singing this time round and taehyung doing the doubling for this one. then at 3:17 with jimin and seokjin wrapping it up with that nice riff at 3:27 before the last chorus comes in at 3:28.

the last chorus starts off with yoongi as he goes with the beat that is heavily driven on the percussion before at 3:38, the beat slightly changes as hoseok does this part with the beat being more focused on his voice rather than the beat. then the song ends with this synth from 3:49-3:51.

lyrics: okay so honestly i am in love with the lyrics because theres so many underlying nuances inside; it’s like a subtle diss. 

but anyway, for some general information, 뱁새 = crow-tit is a type of bird that is found in Korea, it’s a really cute bird with long legs

but it also has another meaning which is ‘try-hard’; the meaning that bangtan is using for this song. 

There's a phrase in Korean "뱁새가 황새 걸음을 걸으면 가랑이가 찢어진다", which means "if a crow-tit walks like a stork, it will break its legs." The meaning is that you’ll ruin yourself if you try to imitate someone better than you. ( Reference ) 

so this is the meaning that bangtan brought across, sort of dissing the older generation etc since many looked down on the current generation - the millennials 

They call me 뱁새 욕봤지 이 세대

=

They call me a try-hard. Our generation has had it hard.

here namjoon already talks about how the current generation is already under pressure from the older generation by being different etc especially now with the different way of thinking and a lot of technology being infused in the current generation. 

알바 가면 열정페이 학교 가면 선생님 상사들은 행패 언론에선 맨날 몇 포 세대

=

At my part time job, it’s “all for experience”.* At school, there’s the teachers. My superiors use violence. In the media they go on about “the generation that’s given up.”

i really love hoseok’s verse because it’s something that many of us can relate to. in korea, it is commonly known that this current generation are ones who give up too easily, similar to the strawberry generation where we are so called ‘easily-bruised’. really love how hoseok literally brought the fact that last time teachers used violence as punishment etc, last time the popular, hitting the hand with the ruler etc, but of course, now it’s different. love how he made comparisons that feels really nostalgic to me. 

룰 바꿔 change change 황새들은 원해 원해 maintain 그렇게는 안 되지 BANG BANG 이건 정상이 아냐

=

Change the rules, change change. The ones who came before us want to, want to maintain. But we can’t do that, bang bang. This ain’t normal.

this verse by namjoon that could somehow be considered as a pre chorus or possibly a hook ( now that i think about it, the structure of this song is a bit different and is more repetitive ) 

namjoon brings up how we change the rules yet those in the older generations wants to keep them, clear polar opposites. he even talks about how the current generation cant do what we want and it’s abnormal. 

아 노력노력 타령 좀 그만둬 아 오그라들어 내 두 손발도 아 노력 노력 아 노력 노력 아 노랗구나 싹수가 역시 황새!

=

Ah, stop going on about ‘effort’ and more ‘effort’. Ah it makes my hands and feet cringe. Ah, try harder, ah, try harder. Ah, you really don’t have a chance. As expected of the ones before us!

okay this pre chorus lyrics are amazing because look at this diss!!! literally bangtan talks about how the older generations mostly talk about putting in effort so much that the younger generations just gets annoyed, hence the ‘cringe’ line. yet the younger generations already know that they dont have a chance to stand out, hence the older generations could easily talk about effort.

(역시 황새야) 실망 안 시켜 (역시 황새야) 이름 값 하네 (역시 황새야) 다 해먹어라 (역시 황새야) 황새야

=

(As expected of them*), they meet your expectations. (As expected of them), they’ve earned their name. (As expected of them), they can just take it all. (As expected of them), those that came before us.

the ‘them’ here refers to the older generations, saying how being the older generations, they could say all this but they should have known that generations change.

난 뱁새다리 넌 황새다리 걔넨 말하지 ‘내 다린 백만 불짜리’ 내 게 짧은데 어찌 같은 종목 하니? They say ‘똑같은 초원이면 괜찮잖니!’ Never Never Never

=

I’ve got a crow-tit’s legs, and you have a stork’s legs. They all say their legs are worth a million bucks. My legs are shorter, so how do you expect me to keep up? They say it shouldn’t matter since we’re coming from the same place. Never, never, never.

in yoongi’s lyrics, he already makes the stark comparison in terms of their legs and already saying how the current generation is already at a disadvantage, though people say it shouldnt matter, but of course in reality, it does matter, some just have it better than others when they were born. 

hence this line in the chorus, 금수저로 태어난 내 선생님 = My teachers were born with it all.

내 탓이라니 너 농담이지 공평하다니 oh are you crazy 이게 정의라니 you mu be kiddin’ me! You mu be kiddin’ me you you mu be kiddin’ me!

=

It’s my fault? You’re joking, right? This is fair? Oh, are you crazy? This is right? You must be kiddin’ me! You must be kiddin’ me, you you must be kiddin’ me!

then this bridge is the final mockery that bangtan has for them, more like subtle mockery because it is known that the older generation literally blames the younger generation for everything and making comparisons that aren't even having the same base to be compared. hence in reality, it is not fair to the younger generation.

but this line as well in the chorus, 황새 덕에 내 가랑인 탱탱 = thanks to those that came before us I’m spread too thin - in which they talk about how before the younger generation does anything, they are already pressured by the older generation etc. 

i really love the witty lyrics that bangtan delivers here, truly remarkable, especially when seen in context as bangtan talks about the current problems of the youths. 

Reference: Colour Coded ©

choreography: so the choreography was actually released on their 3rd muster 22920, in early Jan where the world of hip thrusts was introduced and we are all deceased ( let’s be real ), no one saw it coming, no one could even prepare themselves emotionally and mentally, let alone spiritually. 

but anyway, i really like how this choreography is just really intense to go with the beat of the song and using hip thrusts to actually relay this out. 

like these hip thrusts are even amplified in hoseok’s rap apart from the chorus ( why more?? ) 

but i love how this dance already starts off, talk about some big movements and when they all do it together, it is more pleasing to look at 

love how bangtan does this move too in which they gather together in sync, for some reason it looks as though they are going to gang up on you with all these powerful moves, coupled with their facial expressions; talk about an impact to the audience

also, one could see that throughout this choreography, they found some spaces in between the song to actually just groove to the song without having to actually have full dance steps every step of the way ( for eg. in dope )

such as here

but what’s interesting is also the pre chorus where namjoon is getting it and showing his great leg proportions with everyone behind him, especially when he does this move when he raps a more elongated part ( if you know what i mean )

also, this iconic dance move that hoseok created ( the horse dance in 2014 during their promotions for war of hormone ) and to think they incorporated it in this dance in Jan 2016 !!! ( a legend !! ) a nostalgic dance move!!! somehow i guess hoseok was inspired by the iconic nae nae. 

i really like how they included something to goof around ( a true trait of bangtan ) by even having them kinda hi-five their hands before they do the move, clearly seen by the maknae line

last thoughts: really love this hyped song because it never gets old despite it possibly being on repeat.

[Photo Source] Bighit Entertainment Credits: maxine ☕️ DO NOT REPOST ©

[oakmd]

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 Well, I can’t really express anything but amazement at such an accomplishment, and to be honest I’m pretty blown away that so many of you have stuck with me since the beginning of this blog, and that so many of you enjoy Professor Oak enough to stay. I’ll forever stand by the fact that this blog was the best 'joke’ I ever made, and probably one of the most fulfilling things I’ve actively kept at. 

As much as I hope this blog has helped you find comfort and laughter, RPing Professor Oak has definitely changed me for the better, as well. It has given me an outlet to heal parts of myself and provide help to others, and also pushed me to practice positivity even when I know I get so low sometimes that I don’t even want to try. Another bonus is that I have met wonderful people here, most of you just strictly friends on the dash, but I’ve also gained relationships with people that have extended into discord and I’m sure it has made all the difference this past year and a half. 

As usual, I’m not really a fan of long-winded gushes of emotion, so I’ll keep it short, but I would really like to have it be known that my love for Professor Oak has grown tremendously, in ways I would have never reached without taking the time to thoughtfully craft his backstory and work to develop him further. I know he’s a very nostalgic character that so many of us know and respect that I’m always very careful of how I choose to build on the image without ruining what’s already there.  Out of all my many muses here, this one has seemingly ( and surprisingly ) all at once snuck its way as my primary blog; the blog I always look forward to logging into the most, where I enjoy following your activity whether it be IC or OOC, and just generally enjoy being in the presence of people so passionate about a fandom associated with my childhood. I love this little corner of a community that has welcomed me and engaged with me and unknowingly kept me going, and to look back at my experience and see that I’ve had no trouble at all makes me feel really lucky.

There will never be a way to fully and accurately express my thanks, but I will say it anyway: thank you so much, and I hope that no matter where you go, and no matter what you do, you are trying to be your best, and that you’re happy. Professor Oak will always be there to congratulate you when you reach your dreams.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER ( because my mind is so scattered - ) special shout outs to special people: 

@timecapscle - wasn’t it you that said i’d one day get 1,000 followers? : ) you’ve literally supported me since the beginning and i just wanna say that i appreciate your enthusiasm for professor oak as much as i appreciate your enthusiasm for bill. its wonderful to see someone represent an otherwise under represented character and you do it well. i care for you so much, and wish nothing but good things for your future even if you want to do bad things in the name of science

@diligentseeker / @evolutionexpert  - someone i consider a cherished friend, despite how sporadic our interaction seems, i appreciate all our random long talks on discord, and i’ll never forget our very first conversation. it meant a lot to me, and i want to thank you. i dont meet a lot of ppl that i feel ‘get’ me on some unspoken level, so when it happens, its a nice surprise. anyway i won’t ramble because i take it you’re not one for praise, but im glad people like you exist. with that being said please stop making professor elm stress me out.

@undinaes - the moment you’ve been waiting for. SIKE! just kidding; its no surprise that you’re always filling my dash with testimonials from people that see you for what you are. you’re a beam of sunshine with all the qualities to match; warm, bright, and a natural source of energy that brings people together. your passion for writing is astounding and even when ppl dont deserve your kindness, you’re unbiased in giving it out. truly a mom through and through. but most importantly, ur my girlie and im glad we met :v

@ofpalletown - in my mind, you are practically ash, and ill be here to support you even during all your moments of Extra™ ... but aside from that you’re very loyal to your friends and full of something sunny that i can’t describe. ur gonna be okay, kid. so pls stop stressing out ur dear prof oak 

@03redd - i probably mentioned not long ago that your blog is really good, but ill say it again in case you weren’t listening. i love your blog? its very fun to follow, and i think you’re one of my favorite reds. even with me not being game verse, its so easy to just immerse myself in whatever nonsense you have red drag professor oak into. i dig your creative energy. 

@normaliium - and ofc i cant leave out my cousin. the one to be admired, the ever-successful, brilliant human being that loves me even when i take off ten years of your life each night. my life would lack such substance without you, and i will never forget all you’ve done to help me when i would otherwise be left to myself. you make me really proud to know you, you really do, and everyone i ever talk to you about can attest to that. #YOLO

@bossgiovanni - you haven’t been active in forever, but you remain one of my friends and that’s all that matters. from skype to discord, im glad we could stick together even with our blatant differences in opinion. you are always so nice to me and say the kindest things, and i just wanna say thanks. hope youve been doing well! you are capable of so much, and i believe in you, so don’t forget that. 

@agentmansley - can i jsut say thank you for staying true to your muse and throwing even the purest of characters into your mess? i have loved your blog long before i made professor oak, and you’re seriously one of the funnest people i’ve rp’d with here. everything i’ve written with you is refreshing and new, and never fails to make me laugh. thank you for your love for kent, and also for writing with me. i know you’ve been MIA for a while, but you’re definitely a memorable person. 

@tcssaiga - i dont have a lot of cross-fandom interactions so when they happen im usually pleased. you’ve got great characterization, and have perfect dialogue. i never watched a whole lot of inuyasha but i’ve atched enough to know that you’re pretty close to canon. thanks for the interactions even if you’re mean to prof oak on archer ; (

@askgarymfoak - MY LITTLE ACORN!!!! the dedication you have for gary honestly gives me so much life, and i love rping with you on discord and just yelling about sam / gary hcs. its always a highlight of my day and i can tell you’ve thought about gary and his life long and hard, and its so cool to see someone interested in all that makes him the Headache we all recognize and love. please never stop sharing with me the personal hcs you have for the boy, i always want to hear them. 

@futureheld - we don’t even rp with each other on this muse BUT youre one of my longest tumblr rp friends that i still talk to and you’re really important to me. we have history, we go back!!!! okay? #FRIENDSHIP n all that. but tbh id follow you on any muse because your writing is just great? id write any weird crossover with you because you have a talent for making it work seamlessly anyway. thanks 4 the memories, loser. 

@seviiserver - CELIO!!! we dont talk as much as we used to, or rather, we talk in bursts every now and then but i consider you one of my good friends! not only are u really talented in all things artistic, but i love your writing and it’s always enjoyable to read, even if its not one of our threads together. you made me have so much adoration for celio and like all the other ppl ive met who bring life to underrated / under-rp’d muses, i enjoy seeing everything you pour into him... AND ALSO I LOVE OUR OAK / ROWAN INTERACTIONS? i love them so much it hurts okay. even if its just silliness in discord it brightens my day. anyway perhaps one day we will cross paths in this sleepless city and i will finally teach u how to ride a bike.

@rottenrhythms - i know i dont have much to say or comment with whenever you message me on discord, but i admire how much detail you put into your characters and meta. im always impressed with all the work and thought you put into your world-building; i wish i had that much drive. also, you’ve made a lot of improvement with yourself from the time i first started talking to you on skype. be proud of your progress, and keep working at it, it’s worth it in the long run!

@lack--two NATE youre definitely a very sweet person, and perhaps a little more devious ooc than i’d imagined you would be ( at least to me, why must you poke me for reactions? ; ( u wound me ) but you’re a soothing presence to be around and im glad you were finally able to make discord work. bonus points for letting me yell about yugioh all the time. never stop being wonderful. im here for you whenever you might need a listening ear, okay? 

@loyalpika / @palletbloomer - #PRIKA!!! ever since i first followed you i remembered being blown away by your extensive headcanons on pikachu and i genuinely enjoy every blog you make! we dont talk OOC but from all your ooc posts you seem like a very caring older sister and thats nice to see; with you running around all the time, i hope you do get some rest every now and then! i hope our camaraderie never falters, take care friend! 

@thepkmnnurse - i cant forget all the love and support both you and your muse have for professor oak, and im happy you try to spread positivity on the dash whenever you can! we don’t talk much OOC but from what i can tell you’re just as kind and nurturing as nurse joy herself. i hope you’ve been taking it easy wherever you are, and i hope your days are bright!

@rebelracket - will there ever be a day that i dont enjoy seeing your delinquent muse causing havoc on the dash? your creativity is wonderful to witness and i enjoy clarissa so much, thank you for interacting with a pure ol’ muse like mine. i hope we can continue to keep writing together, im excited at where we might end up. p.s. your art is delightful.

@porttownprince - you’re a gentle presence on my dash but im glad that youre here and that you’ve stuck around despite all the bad things that followed you. i hope you can overcome all the trauma you’ve been through. thank you for being kind with me!

@nikkouki - i know i dont say much but i enjoy your random check ins with me on discord, and i think youre a sweet young girl. you’re gonna go far in life, just make sure you keep going! continue being a precious kiddo and don’t forget to study your japanese ; (

@viciousvainglory & @midoriyamight - i cant think of one without the other so accept this double-tag lol. you’ve both supported this blog since the beginning and i wont forget how welcome you made me feel! no matter what blogs you’re on im glad we can still be friends! you deserve the big toblerone! 

@fateandfury - my long time writing parter without knowing we were long time writing partners! the work you put into professor juniper is something to behold! we haven’t seemed to interact much despite rping professor muses, but that doesn’t mean i don’t appreciate your take on such a muse!

OTHER BLOGS TO BE ADMIRED ( also in no particular oder) : @sterlingsilverchampion @starmarkcd @pxgtails @satanstories @champofpallet @golden-oak @spriggaens @nurturen @florenselite @craniumaniac @ask-guzma @tenderpoison @gocatchem @faemoria @hikaup@writtenbykaichu @executiveariana @honoxtokage @simikami @bigcalavera @rotorotom @thehopcful @and-they-succeeded @metalprincess13 @keep-those-memories-away @hisvanity @attitxde @asmayflies @sesshcmaru @theagentlooker @ambcrly @kantocowboy @dauphindekalos @beareroftheblueorb @blastingxff @aquaelegance @bugeyesboutique @make-it-trouble  @thunderstonereject  @theagentlooker @soultattered @scvedbylove  @diluviumx @inevitabilis-sors @pokedouche @fightiniumz @firespun

I’M SO SORRY IF I MISSED PEOPLE, THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR SOMEONE SO SCATTER-BRAINED AND MEMORY-FOGGED AS ME. EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT INCLUDED AND EVEN IF WE’RE NOT MUTUALS, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT OF THIS BLOG. WITHOUT ANY OF YOU I WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN HERE.

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A GIVEAWAY!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[kagayakimasu]

getting to know shinee world ♡

@duevangogh tagged me to answer these shinee questions and before i get started ill tag @acelululala @kimjongloser @ninonisanoctopus @taerrorize @peridoxxx @5-25 @eyes0ny0u @lunar-otter @losteraable  (but its ok if you dont want to do it ♡) and can i tag you @duevangogh back since you posted the questions but didnt answet them? ;u; ♡

01: How did you get into SHINee?

i like telling this story lmao

 yk that msn messenger thing we used to use like forever ago? my friends and i had this emoticon of a guy we assumed was from a kpop group laughing and he was adorable so we decided to look for him in music videos cause we knew kpop existed but we werent rly interested in it so i tried looking for him in shinee videos and instead i found taemin and fun fact: i still dont know who the emoticon guy was lmao

02: Your favorite member in SHINee is?

my favorite member has always been taemin but ive been in such an ot5 mood recently ;;

03: Bias wrecker anyone?

all??? of them???? im like minho it depends on the day

04: Your favorite SHINee OTP (if you have one)

again all of them OTL i mostly ship people like in a friendship kind of way so all the dynamics in shinee are really adorable and i love seeing any of them but ill say ontae and minkey

05: Is there a SHINee ship you don’t like?

at first i wasnt so warm about 2min tbh but that didnt last like a couple of months

06: The SHINee member you think is most easily shipped

i dont know? ;;;;;

07: Your favorite Korean song by SHINee

i cant choose one ;;; hit me, last gift and selene 6.23 are ones that hit me pretty hard 

08: Your favorite Japanese song by SHINee

better is a really really special song to me because i remember when the album wasnt released yet and the only way to listen to it was in a super lq tudou video and right around that time my cousin came home from japan so he brought me the album and it was my first album and i treasure it so dearly TT but honestly im the biggest sucker for shinees japanese discography 

09: Favorite album

the first is really special for me, i love every song and theyre all in japanese and key is in a shopping cart i just love it so much ♡

10: Your favorite live performance

like a fire from swc iii clearly also their very first live comeback stage for everybody it was so good? the first time they performed sleepless night and tho i hate it when a member is missing i find it really nice to hear the other members covering their parts

11: First SHINee MV you saw

for some reason i chose replay out of the youtube search suggestions yk (how did i not pick lucifer i was in my emo phase idk how that happened)

12: Your first impression of SHINee

cute af, onew and keys voices destroyed me and i did not believe the mushroom guy from replay was the long haired lucifer himself in the lucifer mv

13: Is there a SHINee member that recently impressed you?

umm yes they impress me everyday let me live rip 

but jokes aside tbh every time taemin performs sayonara hitori he got me SO shook its never the same and like this isnt necessarily impressing me but sometimes taemins smile is so beautiful i cant believe and i cry 

14: The SHINee member you think has changed the most over the years

tbh i dont really like talking about change because im idk i guess im a little stuck up but one thing im really happy about is the fact that minkey got over their infamous fight and taemin has clearly become this amazing artist but it was kind of to be expected cause weve known him since he was a lil tiny child

15: The SHINee member you think has changed the least

i dont really know how to judge this adkjnvjnf i guess onew has had the least physical change since he was already almost becoming an adult when he debuted so we got to see less of his natural maturing and stuff but i also feel like jonghyun has accepted himself a lot over the years so hes allowed us to see a side of him that has always been there so even though it was sort of new to us at first, it wasnt really a change

16: Your favorite SHINee MV

lowkey replay japanese version highkey married to the music also lucky star is a masterpiece

17: Your favorite SHINee lyric

im actually really weak for even mildly cute lyrics like its two words and im on the floor screaming and there are some really specific ones that people really dont care for but i think are so beautiful like the “im not important” part in selene 6.23 and theres something along the lines of “i want you to depend/rely on me” in colors of the season but like the english translations dont do it justice i think the meaning in the original japanese words is so deep (and its probably really not lmao) also really simple ones like “you are the reason of my smile” in always love i just! want! to talk! about! lyrics!

18: The SHINee member you think has the best face

key 100% i remember when i first got into shinee id think key was taemin because he looked the best and i thought oh that must be the long haired guy

19: The SHINee member you think has the best body

onew hes soft and his face is squishy

20: The SHINee member you think has the best personality

mmmmmmmmm too hard they all have so many qualities i think are important in a person idk 

21: A SHINee picture that makes you smile

its just so funny to me omg

22: A SHINee picture that makes you nostalgic

23: Your favorite quote by someone in SHINee

i think taemin is really inspirational and i think about him saying you have to give up things to achieve others a lot also keys entire chicken speech

24: A picture of your bias with someone else you like in another group

25: Have you seen SHINee live?

not yet ;;

26: Do you have a favorite variety show moment?

tbh every time they eat and all these japanese hosts who treat taemin like a lil prince are 10/10 

27: How would you describe SHINee in three words?

bestthing thatseverhappened tome

28: Which SHINee video would you show to someone who has never heard of them before?

not a video but someone has this series of gifsets that they call “someone asked why im a shawol” or something like that i forgot who it was sry ;;; but i think those sum them up rly well

29. Is there a memory in connection to SHINee that you will always treasure?

when i was in japan there was a day i bought a fuck load of albums and random merch and the store clerks were all really nice to me and at the end of the day i remember when i was leaving shin ookubo, there was a store playing lucifer pretty loud so it felt like it was the soundtrack of my life as i walked down the street lmao and it was really the perfect way to finish such a great day

30: If you could tell SHINee anything you wanted…what would that be?

i think about this a lot but i still havent found an answer orz i think i would just end up telling them theyre the most important thing in my life but i wish i could let them know how much they mean like not to be dramatic but i couldnt live without them, i wish there was a way to make that sound good yk cause like it sounds way too extreme and generic and maybe hard to believe but i wish i knew a way to let them really understand how much they mean to me

[orgasmicstrawberries]

1:49 am

maybe i feel out of it lately because everything is about to change. im afraid of the future and whats coming and it makes me constantly nostalgic of like 2012 and it makes me want to go back just for a second, when things were good back then, before everything went bad. i knew id make it here one day, this just isnt how i pictured it and it’s kind of hard for me to deal with that in some weird way. part of me didnt think id make it, so that part of me feels even more isolated because it doesnt even know what it’s doing or where it’s going from here.

i feel like i know what will help bring me back to reality but unfortunately they are out of reach, as now it seems they will always just somebody i used to know, as much as i don’t want it to be. seeing it so close but so far away is one of the most frustrating feelings in the world and it makes me feel helpless. 

everything makes me feel helpless. there are so many people i want to know or people i have known that i want to know again that i won’t be able to be close to, since everybody is living their own lives. there are so many things i want to do that i will practically never be able to do with a stupid barely over minimum wage job. there are things i will never be able to learn because i don’t have enough time in my life, and i don’t even know how much time i have.

but throughout my 18 years of life, i feel like i have been through a shit ton, and although i have so much more to learn, i still feel accomplished because of the amount of suffering i have endured and what i learned from all of it. here are some things ive learned up to 18 years.

speak up. as somebody who is constantly anxious, i definitely have held my tongue in some situations because i was either too worried of what they would think of me, or i second guess myself. i learned that i have to trust myself, and trust is the key to my anxiety, whether it be trusting me or other people. i still have issues with this trust but im getting better.

continuing the last paragraph’s topic, trust. without trust, there is no foundation to anything. people seldom talk about how we should all trust ourselves, and i feel like it’s because it’s something that is so hard to do. how can you trust yourself when you don’t know who you are yet? how can you trust yourself when it feels like your mind and brain are working against you because of all of your mental issues? constant second guessing is something i struggle with everyday, but i’m continuing to progress on immediately following my gut in certain situations, and it’s fulfilling. i need to know what i want and go get it. sometimes i feel like i have subconscious trust issues because of shit that happened in my adolescence, because i used to trust myself. now i am too afraid of being wrong and too afraid of even slightly upsetting anybody; confrontation gives me anxiety and i fucking hate it. i just need to trust myself.

acknowledge it. even if it doesnt seem important in the moment, it may be in the long run. ESPECIALLY if it is something that bothers you, as it will fester and make you sad and anxious over something that may be much smaller in real life than in your head. 

accept relapses. recovery doesnt have a timeline; i still ache over things that happened in 2014 sometimes, and thats okay. it happened. things are bigger and better now, but that doesnt mean im not allowed to feel sad. pay attention to your own patterns, notice when things aren’t going as well as usual. self-care is something that should be paid more attention to by all humans. when things get bad, try to focus on the good that happened beforehand and how things will be better. baby steps help: cant get out of bed? take a short walk. crying your eyes out? watch movies at a friends house. it’s okay to struggle. what’s not okay is to not try.

recognize toxic thought processes. half of the bullshit i would try to wrap my head around would be ideas that i made up in my head. i felt like i was genuinely losing my sanity and i was so stuck in my own head that i couldn’t even distinguish it from reality, and i think that is the worst psychological experience i have ever gone through. i felt like i wasn’t even in my body and i was just this shell that walked around doing ‘isa’ things. it felt wrong and i felt like i didn’t belong on this planet. the smallest things would be twisted into these massive issues, and i unintentionally hurt people because i couldn’t navigate any of my thoughts and feelings. i still think about this experience quite often and hurt quite a bit, and i’m still trying to come to terms to the facts. it’s a strange and difficult feeling to have to convince yourself of facts, and the whole process is exhausting and frustrating. if it’s fucking true, then why do i have a million reasons in my head as to why it wouldn’t be? a million invalid reasons. it’s almost as if my brain tries to prove anything that makes me happy wrong, as if it’s trying to sabotage me. it’s incredibly hard to push those thoughts back. but it has to be done.

write. even if you don’t know what to write about, write about something. i write in a journal and nobody even uses tumblr anymore so nobody’s gonna fuckin see what i post here, so i thought typing it out would be faster and less painless (literally, my hand) for me. i guess i’ll use tumblr the way it really is supposed to be used, as a BLOG. huh? just find what works for you. 

i know nobody is going to read this, but it helped me lay out my thoughts a little bit because they’ve been all over the place lately and it will be nice to look back at this post if things ever get bad again. thanks tumblr