#ive lost over 50 pounds in the last year because of medication and stress and sometimes the compliments really get to me.

[darlingian]

"People say I look happy

Just because I got skinny

But the old me is still me and maybe the real me

And I think she's pretty"

Skinny - Billie Eillsh

[doctormage]

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

[themeed]

had like 640 kcal 2.28, down to 175.2 lbs on 3.1 and had some 900 kcal but like 250 of that was a mixed drink and another 250 was the juice and soda in the drink. down to my new lowest weight since high school as of this morning 3.2! 173.6!

ive had a slice of pork, applesauce, a moz quesadilla, and homemade braised potato w ketchup aka Mashbrowns. total so far is 485. might have a fruit portion or some steamed broccoli. maybe an egg. just for dinner.

knowing my highest RECORDED weight was 202 on the old scale... thats some 205, down to 173.6, ive officially lost over 30 pounds since last fall!! i started doing this stuff Seriously in like. winter. gave up for holiday week. that time my sw was some 190, so im just shy of 20 since my actual tracking started. kinda impressed i lost 12 pounds without trying from september to december but 6 of them were over the span of 10 days in december so... *shrug*

anyway. new LW!! i think its because of the water i drank or alcohol affecting my cortisol levels maybe?? or its just that regular flushing water weight thing when you periodically lose weight. theres a chart for it somewhere.

:D im super depressed and rents due this week and im probably gonna be short for the first time and have to talk to the office and i havent showered in like. a week. but at least im losing weight in this hellscape!

yknow what this means??? itll be easier for me to get a job in the places i want to now!!

gods. im not having a good time but at least im not as suicidal as i was on that trip.

i. very much almost died 3 times. very much had to be convinced not to drive into the mountains by a park or good view, leave the car with a will, note, and emergency contact, and just. sit out in the woods on a mountainside in freezing weather watching the sun rise and listening to music.

i called three different people for the separate incidents. i stalled in the morning because i didnt have details written up and i needed to confront some aspects of my mortality. i stalled because i didnt have a playlist ready though i started one at one point. i didnt expect to make it home but someone told me i wasnt going to in a very It Is Fated manner.

so i made it. i am. alive to suffer and live another day.

and of course. i am not skinny enough to die yet. i dont view myself as pretty enough. i still have tits and a legal name i do not identify with. im not strong enough.

i fully expect that i will die by my own hand eventually. if i encounter medical issues rhat will put my loved ones in debt you best believe i will not be waiting to be hospitalized. i will walk out against medical advice. maybe go on a road trip and finalize my will. die of hypothermia, or maybe a gas that will suffocate me without increasing my CO2 levels and giving the bad suffocating feeling. nitrogen maybe? helium? something odorless and clear and easily accessible. but thats 50 years down the line at least.

im not a danger to myself anymore. at least not immediately. i have space and time to stabilize and get a therapist.

gods above. im gonna go find a local restaurant to work at when the vaccines widespread enough here. maybe be a waitress at a strip club. maybe be a barista. maybe be a bookseller. ill see whos hiring. should only be another month or two.

gods. only regret? not researching websites i surfed through while in the Bad Place and needing emergency funds for the car breakdown.

but yeah. that was rough. and i made it out alive.

im just. afraid sometimes. because i feel like i should get some kind of suicide awareness tattoo or something.

but i also have this mindset. i can not EVER attempt. because if i do. it will be planned out enough that i will succeed. a few years ago there were nights i almost did. and the reasons i didnt?? i might not succeed, because i was living with my mother and her insane hearing. i did try once, but the knife wasnt sharp enough without major pressure. it was d u l l. so i backed off and broke down instead. wasnt going to risk the kitchen then. and when i got another knife that next month that was sharp enough, i didnt have the urge as badly and held off.

now its largely the people who care about me in my life that keep me here. three of them really. and spite. and wanting to change the world now that i can be myself.

i have so much to do. now the urges only come when stress gets super high and loneliness takes root and money troubles happen again.

gods. that was longer than anticipated.

right. new low weight, might be late on rent for the first time, having a pretty good time overall right now :')

[kutee-boutique-fan-blog]

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Maybe this comment won’t be important for the majority of people here. Federer Express Rf Shirt Some of you will ignore it, most of you won’t bother to read and it’ll go unnoticed along with other comments, maybe I will be criticised for this but I just want to let you all know I’m selling potatoes. For those who are moaning about those who have pointed out it’s fake, the issue we have is of all the things happening in the world DM choose to report a cats deep meow. Although we shouldn’t expect proper news from them i guess.

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Is there ever a “Wild country album”? Like I guess Wild as in singing about sleeping in a sleeping bag and a fire. But I feel like country and wildest album can’t go together. There’s a blonde and brunette and a red head running from the cops when they stubble upon an old barn. They run inside and find 3 empty burlap sacks and each hide in one. The cops come in a minute later and they know that they must be in there. So one cop kicks the bag the brunette is in and she says “woof woof” the next cop kicks the bag with the red head and she says “meow meow” then they kick the bag with the blonde and she says “potatoes”….

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This has cheered me up no end .cant breathe for laughing .but seriously you can’t beat a good maris piper , the taste is second to none , little bit pricy but once you had em no going back it’s like why have mince when you can have steak .  I was diagnosed with potatoheads disease just last week. You can unfortunately only get it from a potato. I quit smoking after 97 years, lost over 3,900 lbs in my lifetime this far, but I am going to die (hopefully sooner than later because I can’t grasp that someone actually elected Orange Julius for POTUS) without a potato on my plate because of this disease.

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If only I’d of found out sooner. I could of lived another 50 years. Ate you selling anything else? Centrum? (they have silver, gold, copper and rust) I’ll definitely buy a box of Centrum Rust off of you. Do you mind if my cat drinks from my water glass as I swallow it?  I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell me this.”So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.Eventually he called my mobile and said, “Bring it back here right now!”I said, “$200 and it’s yours!”I didnt get the job btw.

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I had a job where my *then only future* boss said “If you can sell the product to those two guys I’ll hire you. So I walked up to them and said *In front of the manager* “Hey guys, my guy over there says if I can get you to buy this product, he will hire me.I will pay you 10 over the product cost to buy it and then return it” and eyeballed future boss. He sighed and said “Fine you’re hired” I became the top salesperson at that job, probably because I thought outside the box to make people convince themselves it was THEIR idea to spend a few hundred dollars on a “crystal” of 2 pounds with their pictures 3d holographed inside them.

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That’s a house cat. Federer Express Rf Shirt Not even a big cat. I call shenanigans. I don’t have a degree in choir, but I sing and know about anatomy because I am in medical care and I know that short small vocal chords do not produce that sound. It’s a recording of the dad’s voice. A cats anatomy is different from a humans, a cat could have an enlargened thyroid causing stress and strain on the cats cords rubbimg them together to cause the deeper sound. Ive seen it many times in my nans clinic.