#ive known lots of great folks thru the interwebs lmao

[loveydoveykirk]

just talk on friends of the past

ive had 6 best friends thru my life. theyve always come in sets of two.

elementary school was brianna and kate. bri was a little mean but we always picked two of the same books and we read them during reading time aloud together (with the permission of our teacher) and whenever a bad word like "darn" came up, we'd lean in close and whisper the word. kate was canadian and we had dreams of the future. anything and everything was our ticket to success and a good life. fries at lunch turned into an international fry business where we would travel on private jets to meet kings, queens, prime ministers, and the president because our fries were that good. but then, a new school year had started. kate wasnt there. she had moved back to canada and no one had told me. i was sad but i had bri right? but over the year she got new sets of friends and i just wasnt good enough. i didnt have any friends before elementary school because i was very shy and reserved. now i didnt have any again. i shouldve been used to the loneliness but once youve experienced something you cant live life the same way again.

in middle school i had anna and miriam. she was so cool. i admired her. she liked the same nerdy things i liked, loved to read and write, and she knew things (like what all those sex terms meant). she introduced me mim, who had her own computer and four older sisters who were really cool. she was super nice and we had a lot of classes together! we experienced things together, anything from our first school dances and dates to puberty. i used to be a good christian girl (minus being christian, but that stereotype yknow?) but they told me swear words and sex terms and made me scream about it until i was comfortable. mim came to anna and i one day and told us her parents had given her and her siblings a choice: they could vote to move to kansas or stay in nebraska. we tried talking her thru her pros and cons. a couple weeks later she said they were moving. she had voted to leave. anna and i became so close after that. the bus routes had changed the following year and anna and i rode together. anna had started self harming that year and constantly flaunted it. i thought she was cool and must know what she was doing so i started doing it too, and showed her on the bus one day. she saw my cuts and smiled proudly, asking my methods. that was the start of a habit that ive struggled with for years. she became more manipulative and practically abusive over the years, always putting me down whether personally or asking complete strangers who was more attractive, me or her? (they always chose her.) it was the last day of eighth grade, the last day of middle school. she was complaining about the yearbook because i was chosen for 'most likely to become a famous author' but she thought she had much more potential and would actually become an author, unlike me. i stopped talking to her. (and currently im published and shes not? fuck her.)

high school came with new friends. sierra and francesca. they were friends in middle school and while i had known them i wasnt really friends with them. sierra was so so good for me. she helped me with my depression and anxiety and helped me figure out my sexuality. she helped me loosen up a little more. we snuck out when i slept over and i was happy and at peace, at least for a night. we went to our first con down in kansas city! it was without my family too, so it was like freedom. it was great, since we planned it for so long. when i was first hospitalized, sierra and i were supposed to go to that same con, the following year. she and her mother begged to see me, but couldnt because mental wards only allow family. she went to the con still and she came back with a surprise. my aph russia plushie was signed by the aph belarus voice actor! (i cosplayed belarus so i was estatic!) frenchie was supportive and offered me rides so i didnt have to ride the bus was so fiercely protective. then, sierra had to move. she stayed in the city but it was a different school district, and she lived 30 minutes away on a good day. i tried to hang out with frenchie a lot and it took me a year to realize this (but i didnt wanna lose another friend, and i was in a bad state mentally) but she always made excuses onto why she couldnt hang out, or, when we made plans, shed back out at the last second. id been hospitalized every year in high school (for 3 days/2 weeks for the first two years) but after all this, i was put back in there, but this time for 8 weeks then put into an instution for longer than i like. senior year started off horribly. there were many times they wanted to put me back in the hospital, but after the institution, i was terrified of hospitals. i refused. frenchie had all but stopped talking to me and when we did it was tense and uncomfortable. after christmas break, i was 18. i could legally drop out of school. even with one semester to go, i couldnt do it and dropped out. it was nearlly march when i got a text from frenchie. "where you been?" i deleted the message. i havent heard from her since then.

im not trying to push blame on anyone but ive been so lonely and depressed and reclusive since senior year started nearly a year a half ago (with no local friends) and i had to get all of this out and off my chest.