#ive hit that level of depressed

[moeblob]

"It's lonely without Bernard..."

[phagodyke]

okaaaayyy finally watched I saw the tv glow :^)

[thefamilyjewels13]

please the artifact system is so awful how tf am i supposed to get good stats

[am3li420]

Remus Lupin head canons i’ve been collecting for 10+ years

- this hoe loves books, i know that’s a common head canon but let me dive deeper;

- he definitely is checking out matilda level amounts of books from the library every week before going to hogwarts.

- homeschooled by his mother 100% and she would make him write book reports so he learned to love annotating books

- cut to lily seeing him writing in a book in 1st year and being absolutely disgusted but eager to make friends so she asks him his favorite books and authors.

- remus goes on like an hour long tangent about tolkien and c.s. lewis and how much he loves fantasy and how he’s so excited he gets to be at hogwarts because it’s so close to his escape from his lycanthropy as a child.

- lily tells him all about literature and they start a book club right then and there.

- remus also studied piano from his mom as well, and then eventually when she couldn’t teach him anymore his parents saved up to pay for a teacher.

- he loves his piano teacher and over summer breaks goes back and takes lessons

- bonds with sirius because of this as sirius had to learn violin to become a “well rounded heir”. they play duet covers as entertainment for gryffindor parties and everyone fucking loves it.

- eventually mary joins in and plays guitar and they have a cute little peter paul and mary vibe going on.

- remus is so outspoken, and truly always the first to be informed on politics or news

- was very forthcoming on his views about the war, along with james and sirius. i believe remus was the most “radical” of them though, and wanted freedom/ equality for all creatures not just wizards.

- he also felt unease at the ministry and wanted systematic changes as well as wanting to fight against voldemort.

- extremely distrustful of dumbledoor towards the end of the war, and it caused division between him and sirius until the second war when sirius realized remus had been right.

- remus had a magical proclivity for defense, and was a great dueler. the only person who he was evenly matched with in his class was sirius. they often fought to draws. they absolutely keep count of their wins.

- remus, lily, and mary all collectively give james and sirius their music tastes. they have new records every time they come home from break.

- remus is absolutely a stoner and loves smoking joints, reading, and listening to music during his free time.

- him and sirius smoke together sometimes but remus smokes a lot more than sirius because it really helps him with his chronic pain and depression.

- oh remus rolling a joint is like the most sexy thing anyone has ever seen. sirius frequently uses those memories for….personal time.

- remus uses an expansion charm under his bed and grows his own weed, eventually becomes hogwarts resident dealer and always puts freebies in his deliveries

- the freebies include:

- little drawings made by sirius

- chcocolates

- sometimes if he’s hanging out with marlene and has to deliver an order she’ll draw a tarot card for the person and write down a little reading for them!

- remus’ own handmade stickers!

- yeah he’s everyone’s favorite drug dealer seriously 10/10.

- he operates this all under minnie’s nose and is forever smug about getting away with it.

- i could probably think of a million more because i just love him so much but ive been hitting my pen while writing this so i’m gonna go make a snack!!!

[hearts4werka]

Missing

Summary: it’s been six months since your sister went missing, everyone gave up on the investigation but you’re determined to find her no matter what but someone comes along the way��� Genre: ANGST first person pov, Stalker, missing person, thriller, horror, crime investigation, dark aesthetic, stalker romance, double pov, b&e, unexpected visitor, dark themes, Warnings: breaking in, abuse, use of weapons, being held hostage, ?depression?, mental health issues, swearing, pet names (little monster), skin bruising, fighting, ?suggestive content?, traumatizing, possibly trigging subjects, ass content ahead and ofc Read At Your Own Risk!

This is part 4 of the 'Missing' series!

🤍 - Rosalla's POV

I wish she was here with me.

Memories of me and her flood my mind like a tsunami hitting a building, all of the moments I'll cherish for all of my life, with or without her. I've cried over her multiple time since her disappearance and I have to get my shit together and figure out how to report that stalker of mine to the police again, I still cannot believe that my stalker have gone to the point to break into my house and do unspeakle acts between my legs.

My mind keeps on denying the fact that I possibly enjoyed the acts he has done, I havent been able to feel safe in my own house for these past months ever since. Today though the feeling seems to be intensified as I constantly feel a pair of eyes following my every move like everyday but they feel like they're coming closer to me.

I gaze around my surroundings, my mind trying to make me think im not actually going insane and that there is something lurking in the shadows of my own house, before I could get completely dragged into the dark shadows of my mind it has created my cat Willow comes up purring, petting herself on my leg and silently demaning some sustenance in the form of cat food.

A soft chuckle rumbles in my throat at her clear attention seeking attitude, finding it slightly adorable as I rise from my seat and my feet slide over the tile floor under them as I travel into the kitchen. I squat down and take the cat's food bowl into my hand but a simple ring of the front door doorbell catches me off guard as I am not expecting anyone currently nor any packages.

Confusion contours my facial features as my eyes move towards the front door where the noise is coming from, maybe a possible unexpected guest decided to visit my household today? but who could it be? questions begin to rise in my already spiraling mind which only overweighs the other thoughts stuck inside of my head.

I stand up onto my feet and make my way towards the door with upkept caution to not let the person on the other side of the door know that I am trying to figure out who it could be, making as less noise as it is humanly possible in the moment ive been placed in right now, checking through the peephole I dont find what ive expected to be on the other side.

Twisting the house key in the keyhole of the door and grabbing ahold of the doorhandle I swing it open and scan my eyes around the surrounding nature on the front porch and find once again nothing and am only met with my black doormat with "Welcome!" written across it in white bold letters.

My anxiety rises onto a higher level than it was already on before with the growing questions slowly starting to cloud my mind alongside the shadows, I walk back to my living room and notice Willow ran off somewhere and isnt near me anymore, not thinking much about it when I finally find myself back in the living room i notice a strangely familiar man sitting on my couch with his body facing me and Willow snuggled into his lap as he pets her spine with his heavily tattoed arm.

My body instantly responds to the sudden intruder inside of my house by freezing inplace and refusing to move from my standing form, laborthed sharp breaths leave my mouth as I silently observe the surely unexpected guest inside of my house acting way to calm for my liking, not seeming like the hostile type and more on the kinder side which doesn’t make me feel better about this whole situation.

"Look who decided to join us, welcome Rosalla" He speaks in a calm, almost soothing tone while his gaze visibly runs up and down my frozen body as I notice a small smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth under the hood that’s currently concealing the upper half of his face.

As much as I would love to just rip that hood off his face and take Willow away from him I can’t move my body no matter how hard I try, it’s like my body turned into a stone statue in a museum in the section of Ancient Greece but the only thing is that I am in my house currently with what could have the possibility to be my stalker.

“W-who are you and what the fuck are you doing in my house?” I trip over my words as he suddenly rises from his seat and slowly makes steps closer towards me, I continue to stand in place with my mind becoming a bigger scramble and pleading for my body to move or do something rational and not just stand in place like a fucking idiot.

“Oh don’t worry, I’m not here to harm you in any way.” He calmly teased, I already could feel his hot breath hitting my skin and goosebumps growing all over my body. His slender form looms over me as the heavily tattooed arm reaches over and brushes against my chest before roughly grabbing my chin and making me look up at him.

“I’m going to enjoy ruining you, little monster.”

“Fuck you.”

“That as well.”

I roll my eyes at him and finally manage to make my first move, grabbing his hand and digging my nails into his inked skin to leave a mark as I push it away from my chin, freeing my face from his tight grasp and automatically taking a cautious step backwards.

"You're a sick bastard if you think I'll let you anywhere near me." I bite back, now slowly regaining back my confidence and movement capability, now running into the kitchen as he calls out from the hallway. “You’re running already? We haven’t even started the real fun yet.” I notice the slight venom between the ‘innocent’ words which makes a shiver run down my spine.

When he finally catches up to me in the kitchen I quickly open one of the drawers with all of the kitchen knifes residing inside of it and take one of the bigger ones out of it, holding it up for him to see and pointing the sharp tip of it in his direction for any possible protection I could get out of it, he stands infront of me on the other side of the kitchen island.

"Back off, bitch." I state with warning lacing my tone as my confidence rises more and the fear now lowering to a smaller level with a calming shiver washing over my body. The only reaction I manage to gauge out of him is a sinister laugh and his smirk intensifying in growth, as if he wasnt comprehending the fact that a kitchen knife resides in my hand.

"You're gonna try to fight me off with that? how cute." He mocks my choice of protection, as if he has anything on himself. He's helpless right now while the knife stays clutched in my hand, well if you discard the fact he has strong arms and could probably snap me in half with just a flick of his fingers which doesnt help with my already high anxiety level.

Before I get to think and appreciate I have the possible high ground in this situation he quickly makes his way towards me which makes me sprint out of the kitchen and back into the living room with him right on my ass behind me, suddenly as Im running away from him a strong calloused hand slams me into the nearby wall and the pain spreads across the whole upper part of my body, a line of curses leaves my mouth in one painful groan.

“You think you can run from me?” He mocks my attempt on trying to escape his wrath, the hand where the knife resided in is currently pinned against my back. The vice grip he has on my hand makes me drop the knife, it hitting the floor with a loud thud which makes me groan in the increase of the immense pain I already feel all over my body.

“You are mine and only mine, if any other men try to even get close to you. I won’t fucking hesitate to kill them and bury them in your backyard for a little reminder who you belong to.”

I try to wiggle my way out of the trap I’ve been placed in, squirming in pain as I feel multiple bruises growing and starting to adore the surface of my skin, and I was out here thinking I had the high ground in this situation against a man thats clearly way stronger, taller and surely has some tricks up his sleave when I have now none since my item for protection has now ended up on the floor and I cannot move to pick it up because of the position Im in.

Suddenly, I feel cold metal being pressed against the back of my head and the fear rises back inside of me as I realize what is currently being held against my head. My breathing becomes labored as he brings his face closer to my ear, his breath hot against the shell of my ear which sends a shiver running down my spine before whispering. “You look so adorable all scared and terrified.”

“I’m gonna call the police on you and they’ll put you finally where you belong.” I hiss through my gridded teeth, fear being evident in my voice which it seems only fuels him to continue through with his actions, the cold metal barrel sliding down my back and tapping the back of my thighs, asking for them to move apart but with how they’re trembling right now I doubt there are going to move in any moment.

“And you think they’ll believe any word you say about this? You can call them all you want but just know, you’ll never get rid of me, little monster.” A chuckle rumbles in his throat and escaping past his lips at my words, him mocking me once again and assuring me I’ll never be able to get rid of him. It’s already been over five months and I the police haven’t even found one trace of finding out this man’s identity and neither did I, he seems like just an everlasting shadow that’s just stuck in your mind that you can’t get rid of.

We hear the front doorbell ring and realization hits me, I remembered my best friend Nora was supposed to visit today to check in on my sanity and how I’m holding up. She visits me whenever she can borrow the time and she makes it her priority to see me atleast once every few days which I appreciate her for so much and can’t thank god that she decided to come at this rightful time.

Before I can realize it, the man releases me from his grasp and the cold gun is taken away from my body and I feel slight relief as my body slides against the wall and down onto the cold floor of my house as the doorbell rings again and we hear Nora call out my name form behind the door. “Hey Ro, you good in there? I heard fighting inside.”

As soon as the front door cracks opens and Nora steps foot into the house, the man is gone. No trace left behind of him, only me sitting on the floor and clutching my body as if it would fall apart if I let go. Nora immediately runs up to my trembling form and envelops me into her warm arms, her face contoured with confusion as she finally speaks up.

“What the fuck happened here?”

@hearts4werka

authors note: omfg the end is so rushed and I’m so so sorry that y’all needed to wait so long for this but I’ve been focused on some of the other fics and my mind was so empty when I was writing this so some sentences might repeat, I hope the wait was worth it but I kinda doubt it. Luv y’all so much

& love and peace, V

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[leafostuff]

Eyes On me [Ft. IVE's Liz]

Tags: panic attacks comfort, fluff, girlfriend!Liz

Author's note: It's been a while since I wrote for IVE, but I hope this one will do well. Plus, this will be a callback to my wattpad Era, where I used to do more comfort fics.

========================

there are three kinds of nights in your life.

The first kind is the normal nights, which after hitting the gym, eating dinner, taking a shower, and living overall like a functioning member of society you find yourself falling asleep at 11 PM, maybe 12 AM if you are really not that tired.

The second kind is the nights where you decide to laugh at the concept of sleep, channel your inner shut in and play video games for the whole night, or just goof off with your friends on discord until the sun rises

However, sometimes you have those nights where you find yourself in your bathroom at 3 AM, throwing up all of the food you ate in the entire day and overall being miserable?

Unfortunately, tonight was the third kind of night.

Do you have any idea how you got to this situation? Nope, all you could remember is that around 1 AM, you could only feel your stomach hurting like crazy, your anxiety levels going to the 11 forcing you to go to the bathroom to try and calm yourself

However, even after an hour this was to no avail since still you found yourself throwing up while your eyes were full of tears. "Absolutely fantastic, now the one thing that can fuck me up is-" your thoughts were suddenly stopped by a light touch on your shoulder

As you look up you find your girlfriend Kim Jiwon looking at you, she was wearing a white sweatshirt, which was probably stolen from your closet.

Long black hair just like the night sky and eyes that could show sadness was the only thing you could see from your fully teared eyes as your girlfriend kneeled down before you, letting her arms wrap around your body.

"Another anxiety attack?" She asked since those events were not new to your girlfriend, at least once a month she had to stay up all night with you to try and relax you, to the point it was impressive how she still wanted to stay with you

5 minutes of brushing your teeth and a spare change of pajamas later you walked toward your shared bed with Jiwon as she looked at you with a weak smile, but it was enough to make you feel happy and in the same time: somehow guilty

"Do you know what happened that you are feeling like that?" You simply shook your head in response as she just sighed, "Oh well, it's OK... let's just go to the bed ok? After you brush your teeth" she added, trying to close her nose to block the scent of the puke.

"I don't deserve you." That was the first thing you said while you inched slowly toward Jiwon as she laid her head on your shoulder.

"Ahhhh, so that is what you are anxious about?" She asked while she turned on the TV to a random episode of friends. You could only nod as your girlfriend pulled you into an embrace

"I just..." You hesitated, which in reaction Liz leaned and kissed your forehead. Even after numerous times, she has done that it still surprises you

"Just what?" she asked, he eyes pleading for an answer as you couldn't handle it anymore

"That I am too anxious for you" her reaction could only be puzzled as she tilted her head sideways, letting you explain

"You just... deserve someone who isn't depressed all the time or a scar-" You were shutted by your girlfriend's lips on yours, their sweet taste however was short.

"I. Will. Always. Love. You, " Liz said, each word was spoken clearly as your cheeks turned red from embarrassment. However, as you tried to turn away, both her palms on your cheeks, forcing you to look at her pleading eyes.

"Eyes On me okay baby? I will always love you, say it" she requests as you have no choice but to sigh and comply

"I will always love you" you recited her words as she smiled cutely and pecked your lips.

"Good, now... let's go sleep okay, baby?" She asked, however, as her hands went over to your back she could feel you shake.

"...you are still stressed, right? It's ok, let me help you relax, " she said as her hands reached to your back under your shirt, her fingers lightly tapping on your back, causing you to instinctively let your head find its rest on her chest.

You slowly start to destress yourself by taking deep breaths, "Good baby...I'm here for you," she said while pecking your forehead, "you need this sleep...more than me" she added as you finally close your eyes, the first snore is able to be heard from your unconscious self.

And the last words you manage to hear before fully drifting into dreams.

========================

[softxsuki]

Hey (again)! Ive come back again with another urgent request (sorry) I was wondering if you could do a suicidal reader x nanami the reader is a sorcerer and powers are : they can technically spawn anything from a portal including void swords abd all that stuff - they can also blind their enemies with their powers.

Thank you and even though it is an urgent request take your time and have rest ,sleep and stay healthy (here's a star ⭐ for your hard work) ! My parents are fighting right now and I'm currently upset from the past few days and this 👌 close to giving up but then I remember people that r here for me including you but have a great night and thank you 💞

Nanami with Suicidal S/O

PLEASE DON'T READ IF MENTIONS OF SUICIDE WILL DO YOU MORE HARM THAN GOOD

IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS STRUGGLING WITH THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE, PLEASE REACH OUT FOR HELP.

Pairing: Nanami x Gn!Reader

Warnings: mentions of suicide attempt, wanting to die, reckless abandonment, depression, crying, hopelessness, desperation

Genre: Comfort

Post-Type: Headcanons

Word Count: 730

Summary: In which you're on a mission with Nanami and instead of fighting back, you stop and give the curse a chance to kill you, but not before Nanami steps in to help

[A/N: Hey again! Knowing you came back for another urgent request just is proof enough that you enjoyed my writing and that means a lot! No idea what you're going through in life, but I hope this helps you out, even if it's just a little. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to <3 hope you enjoy!]

Nanami:

Nanami holds your life dearly to him

Your life is precious to him, a life force that he’d never put on the line; he’d sacrifice himself if it meant keeping you alive and well

Loss was a part of his job, he’s already lost countless friends and students, he couldn’t lose you–that would break him

So on one of your missions together when he saw you just stop mid-battle as a curse was seconds away from tearing you apart–he raced into action, adrenaline coursing through him as he ran faster than ever to get you

Your portal was open, it was there for you to easily defeat the lower level curse before you, but you just stood there

That’s when he knew 100% that something was going on with you

He’d seen little signs of it before, like seeing you distance yourself from him little by little, noticing the dark circles under your eyes, your sudden reckless actions, mood swings– all the signs were there, yet you managed to cover it all up so well

It wasn’t until this very moment that it became certain you were trying to die–you were trying to leave him all alone, how would he move forward without you–the love of his life?

This mission was supposed to be simple, he invited you for the sake of spending more time together since you were slowly pushing him farther and farther away

Almost losing you wasn’t in his agenda for the day

He could feel his pulse echoing in his throat as he pulls you away from the curse, quickly exorcizing the last few curses before approaching you

His adrenaline is still racing, so his initial response is rage

“What were you thinking?! Were you really trying to get yourself killed?! Your portal was open, why did you freeze up like that?” He chokes up on his words, falling to his knees before you as tears fall from his eyes, this snaps you out of whatever trance you’re in

You hadn’t seen Nanami so worked up to the point of crying since he lost Haibara back in high school, that’s when you realize what a mistake you almost made

“I-I’m sorry” it’s the only thing you can manage to say to him

He tries to calm himself down, feeling exhaustion hit him from the sudden adrenaline rush

“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap, I just…I almost lost you. I can’t allow that to happen. I don’t know exactly what’s going on with you that you felt like this was your only option, but I can’t lose you, Y/N. I love you so much, you’re my everything, please don’t leave me. Please” he begged, taking your hand in his as he leaves kisses to the back of it, scared to let you go, in fear that he’d never feel the warmth of your hands again, never feel your heart beating against him again…he was terrified

You didn’t think being gone would affect someone so much, sometimes you forgot that you had people in your life that really cared for you, your depression clouding your mind so much

It isn’t until you both go back home and settle down when you open up about your struggles with him

Your internal battles and your troubles at home that all became too much to handle at times

He’d quietly listen to every word you had to say, tracing circles on the back of your hand whenever you stopped speaking at times, finding it difficult to emotionally open up to someone, but he was there. He cared. He really cared

Nanami would ask you what you’d like him to do; of course he’d help in his own way, like asking if you’d like to speak with a professional for help, but if not, he’s more than okay with helping you in any way he can

Moving forward, he keeps a closer eye on you, whether it be holding you more often, inviting you out, staying at home, talking things out–he’d go to the moon and back if it meant helping you feel better and not wanting to leave this world without him

One day at a time–you just need to get through each day one by one, and you’re definitely not alone, he’d be right by your side, taking your hand and walking every step with you

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted: 08/28/2023

[thesophistiicate]

I really enjoy reading your posts and especially the amazing advice you give people in your asks.

I am engaged with a wonderful man, who takes great care of me, romantically and financially. I have no complaints about our relationship, Ive been treated like a queen every step of the way. The problem is Ive let myself go in all areas during the time weve been together. Ive gained a crazy amount of weight, stopped taking care of myself, Ive lost a lot of my huge vocabulary that I used to be so proud of, my sharp wit. In general it seems Ive lost my manners, my class and myself. I come from a family where manners, wits and talents where my parents main focus, so I used to be very polished and very well read. I got hit with severe depression during covid, and it seems that let to my lack of disciplin and self respect.

I truly wanna change. He deserves a woman who is genuinely levelling up with him, who takes care of herself. Like the one I was when he met me.I deserve to be proud of myself, and I deserve to treat myself with respect and care.

I just feel so ambivalent when it comes to changing myself so much around him. Maybe because Im already insecure about the whole thing, find it embarrassing if he notice me struggling with my self-esteem. Ive always been the type who would learn new skills or change my looks in secret, so that no one would interrupt me, make fun of me or get me away from my progress.

How would you advice me to handle the conversation if he asks me why Im changing so much? How do I work around my embarrassment of being caught in the process of learning? Any advice on how to keep my journey a secret/less obvious?

We live together, so he would for sure notice me changing habits, try new looks etc. He would probably be supportive, but also defaulting to telling me that he loves me, and that I am perfect as I am rn etc.

i actually relate to a lot of this! your relationship sounds a lot like mine, and like many people i feel i really lost myself in Covid but also during my pregnancy (it was difficult) and then navigating discovering myself again after 5 years of feeling a bit lost… 🤍

i suppose what springs to mind for me reading your story is that this is a wonderful opportunity to discover what it’s like to be seen and supported and loved through effort and change. i’m really private too and i had to learn to become comfortable with my partner “knowing” what i’m doing.

i think it can stem from perfectionism as well, this pressure women in particular feel, to always be the polished end result but to hide away the process, even feel ashamed of it, embarrassed by it. (and extra embarrassed because to start again would be to admit we failed in the past.) we have to try so hard yet aren’t supposed to let anyone else see… it’s supposed to seem effortless. and we don’t want anyone to know in case our result is imperfect, or we are seen struggling, or whatever. it is a part of why women’s work is minimised and mocked and judged overall. so i think it’s important to push past that, to let it be seen and to take pride in it. you are undertaking a powerful, important, life changing journey and there is so much power in allowing that to be seen by somebody who you love and trust.

I’ll tell you about my partner, not to brag but to give a sense of what it may be like to push past your fear… he of course always says he loves me as i am, no matter what and no matter what might change. he loved me when we met and i was heavier and very unfit and chronically stressed out from work. i was his dream girl even then. but i was actually kind of… surprised? yet not? that in the past few years of me turning things around, he’s actually been really encouraging and interested. instead of a “why bother, i like you as you are” attitude (which would actually be insulting, as though i live for his approval lol), he talks about how inspiring (and sexy!) he finds my effort, how much he admires my self discipline, how great my results are, that i carry myself noticeably differently and seem so much happier. he buys me flowers when i hit milestones. celebrates with me when i achieve a new goal. none of it feels invasive or over the top, just gently supportive.

i did sort of start on my own without really discussing it, but he noticed. and that led to the opportunity for me to talk more openly about how i’d been feeling, about how this is a fresh start. i wonder too if you are worried to be noticed because you’re worried about whether you can stick to it? and it might bring up feelings of shame to be seen trying and “failing”? in which case lots of compassion, flexibility, and gentle self care will help. no need for strict new routines and overhauling every habit. just start small with little changes, let it build with time. it took me almost a year of false starts before i managed to stick to my exercise routine!

overall by being open and allowing him to support me, i’ve found it so easy to stick to my goals and our relationship also feels stronger than ever, too. he already loves me so the idea that everything he loves about me is only getting better is exciting to him i think. i think you are at the beginning of a wonderful new chapter and it will take some courage, but everything worth doing does 🤍

[larchelle-ffxiv]

more 7.0 spoilers bc I was DRAINED after finishing msq yesterday. also a lot of headcanon stuff for my skrungly bc I have THOUGHTS AND THINGS I GOTTA WRITE

- so this expac hurt obviously, but MAN I didn't expect it to touch on grief and loss, let alone HOW it approached that. where shb and ew had similar themes going on of "regardless of the loss and sorrow we are faced with, we will learn to press on and continue", that sorta thing. dt is here like "hiya gamers are you ready to learn how to ACTUALLY LET GO OF THAT LOSS? HOW TO ACTUALLY SIT DOWN AND PROCESS THAT GRIEF? WELL YOURE GONNA LEARN TODAY"

- everything about alexandria/LM BROKE ME. a really powerful message on how impressive and impactful technology can be, but also how quickly it can be weaponized and abused. and the shit about erasing the memories of those who die just being commonplace???? the turali people who were in the dome, found themselves losing THIRTY YEARS OF THEIR LIVES, their loved ones back in tural thinking they were dead or missing and they were RIGHT THERE, some in that time REALLY DYING/BECOMING ENDLESS? good GOD that fucked me up. not to mention EVERYTHING ABOUT SPHENE. she didn't ASK to be made into an endless, she had goddamn levin sickness and WENT TO TRY TO HELP HER PEOPLE ANYWAY, preservation forced her new self to put the people's needs and desires so much in the forefront of her priorities that she became a TERRIBLY FLAWED leader, but was so blind to her faults bc she "did everything for her people's wellbeing". she's a heartbreaking character for sure, ugh

- this expac gave us SO MUCH GOD DAMN WORLD BUILDING. WOW. ive never done every single yellow quest in an expac, but I've made it a huge goal of mine to do it here esp throughout the expac, and it's been SO WORTH IT. the further extended lore, the foreshadowing/clarification and further explanation for things, it was all terrific jfc. now I wanna go back and do yellow quests for all the expansions bc bro. this shit is just SITTING HERE??? FOR FREE????

- I've finally figured out why people (aka capital g Gamers on reddit/ff forums/twitter) don't like this expac. it's absolutely feeling like what stb has become to a lot of the player base. it features a lot of POC, has female leads, and we as the WoL aren't The Main Character. at least in stb we had more of a presence as WoL, but here one title doesn't matter anywhere near as much in comparison. also, with a lot of the dialogue/plot stuff/music (esp the songs with lyrics) , this expac is kingdom hearts coded AS FUCK. it's goofier than EW/SHB, it has more corny stuff going on, wuk lamat is LITERALLY female furry sora. they're mad that we aren't the Main Character, they're mad it isn't as edgy/horrific/depressing, they """can't relate""" bc everything is so diverse and full of hispanic culture, and they're fucking FIXATED on wuk lamat's VA being a trans woman. jfc I'm so glad I'm not on Twitter and I don't look at the ffxiv reddit, bc the shit I've heard has been pathetic and obnoxious lmao. like, try to have ACTUAL CONSTRUCTIVE THINGS to complain about.

also, I hold the unpopular opinion of HW being my least favorite experience in game. the beginning of it is SO GODDAMN SLOW AND PAINFUL, and i honestly got soooo bored of seeing the same looking white elezens/hearing about the Catholic Control and Drama. i also really dont like the dungeons or trials (minus the last msq one, still great thematically), and playing 50-60 as a scholar was NOT fun lmao. hilda, the OST, and everything relating to the DRK quest line are basically all that kept me going through that expac.

But I won't go being a goddamn asshole about it to people who like it!!! let people ENJOY things jfc lmao, also recognize that every single expac takes time to hit the Big Frickin Moments (aka level x7 most of the time), and not everything needs to involve huge amounts of massacre and horror!!! even then, did yall NOT pay attention to what happened with solution 9/living memory??? where goddamn SOULS ARE A CURRENCY???? how about the mamool ja SACRIFICING INFANTS EN MASSE in hopes of a two headed son being born, and putting all their faith in that son to get them out from the deepest depths of the jungle???? or the war between them and the x'braal???? is2g the lack of media literacy/reading comprehension amongst gamers, I'm so TIRED

RANT OVER UGH ANYWAYYYYY

- chelle is absolutely gonna find her adoptive mom satsuki in the canal town section of living memory. hands fucking down. ive had this idea for y e a r s now of them having a chance meeting in the aetherial sea as she "died" after fighting zenos in UT, but it fits SO WELL to have it take place in LM of all places. satsuki spending YEARS trying to find her lil meow meow again, hearing tales of what sounded like her girl, but how in the hell did the shy, sickly child she once cared for get strong enough to become a whole ass HERO??? and just always ending up in each place she was too long after she had left, bc she was only able to work off of hearsay ;A;

me and my partner have it where satsuki's wife and her always hoped to visit tural together, and she gave her wife notes on how she needed to help satsuki find this young miqo girl she adopted after her wife went to travel again. as luck would have it, enna was in tural waiting for satsuki to join her there (satsuki and her were doing research based on chelle's appearance and accent and essentially crossed every continent off the list over time. esp Ala mhigo bc, even tho that's where satsuki found her, enna knew she couldn't be born there based on she herself being Ala mhigan). enna becomes chelle's viper mentor and says that she knows her mother, but doesn't elaborate much until they get to know each other better.

so them finding her in LM? still running a tavern and keeping people happy with booze and food and sea shanties all sung off key? oh it's gonna DESTROY THEM, but be such an important step in getting closure/learning to face grief head on/letting her go without regrets. and they're gonna be a family and UGH I CANT WAIT TO WRITE IT

- fellow wolgrahas. fellow wolgrahas how the FUCK WE DOIN BOYS, LIKE?????? they really gave us a main story quest to help an endless find an engagement ring to propose to his beloved, AND THEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER. put us on a gondola ride with g'raha so he could have a """heartfelt conversation"""with us AGAIN???? BRO!!!!!!

chelle and him are absolutely gonna finally address their relationship again, where g'raha has been struggling to figure out whether or not to propose lol. he really wants to do something to symbolize them being together for life, but knows that she isn't the kind of person who likes just staying in one place/being tied down and isn't really about traditional. well anything lol. he's gonna stumble his way through all those thoughts before she gently cuts him off, reassuring him that she understands and appreciates how thoughtful he's been about the whole thing. reflect a bit on what they've seen and been through, both in the first and since he returned to the source, and with this couple and them talking about "living without regrets/living life to the fullest"(gotta reread the dialogue for when I write this lol). and thought stuffy fancy shindigs aren't her thing, she knows damn well that he's someone she wants to see the world and share her life with.

and SHE'S the one who gets down on one knee and asks him to elope with her/be life partners. the bitch PROPOSES HERSELF, but is too stupid to realize/still too scared of vulnerability to actually call it what it is. and he's about to burst into tears and before he can say anything the gondola knocks into the pier at the end of the ride, as chelle's kissing his hand, causing her to nearly headbutt the poor boy in the crotch and both of them panicked going "OH GODS ARE YOU OKAY, DID YOU GET HURT, SORRY". and they stare at one another before chelle awkwardly laughs going "i guess this would be a bad time to make a joke about "giving you head", huh" or something else cringe like that, to which they both start laughing, holding hands as they step back onto the pier before those laughs are joined with joy filled crying as they hold each other as tight as gd possible and jfeivoeoivoeor

I'm sure I'll have more to say and reflect on but this is already super long and I just. wow. what a goddamn incredible experience dawntrail has been.

[therapy-ghost]

I had to ask my dad cause I keep forgetting it.😭😭 He said it was Asperger’s but a news article said it’s an offensive term so I don’t know what it’s called and neither does he. (I finished asking but I googled what the new term was, and it’s Asd I think. Google didn’t explain it well😫)

But the request is Reader is dating Freddy Freeman, but like is low-key obsessed with his alter ego, Captain Everything. It’s all they talk about when Freddy mentions heroes. So with the help of Billy, he has Reader meet his alter ego. (Reader doesn’t know they the same person, if it’s not clear) Just a lot of fluff cause I love Freddy so muchhhjjjjjh

Hello again! I was wondering when you were going to be back and what type of writing you wanted and this is not what i was expecting(in the best way possible)!!! Warnings; meantion Autism(Im sorry if ive depicted it wrong in anywayT-T), swearing, im hoping no OOC, longer then usual one shot... and tell me if theres anymore warnings to add!.

GN!Reader x Freddy Freeman

From a young age; your parents, teachers and class mates saw you as strange; always bringing up that one topic that yuo would always bring up whenever you could, and sometimes it was fun, but eventually those peole started to not want to talk to you.

When you reached middle school; You had found yourself a community online that would rant about the very topic you had grown fixed on, Superheroes, thats all they would talk about.

It was your save place where you can place yourself in your own world and rant forever on who's a better hero; Superman or Batman? Obviously Batman!

but in the end you still found yourself lonely in the sea of online friends, cause well... they were online, and sometimes you would be stuck in the real world where you couldnt talk to them.

But that was untill you meet Freddy Freeman; a crutch wielding superhero maniac who instandly caught your attention(And maybe even your heart) in sciences.

And Freddy was not gonna lie when saying that you did the same.

The two of you started to hang out; most of the time with the company of Billy who always felt like he was third wheeling even if he was in a whole other building.

Eventually you two had asked each other out on the very same date and proceeded to believe you had a psychic connection; Match made in heaven to be more accurate.

And right now; after 3 months of you to being officially a thing, were laying on the floor of him and Billy's shared room ranting about hero's, like you always did.

"-Come on! he's dark, mysterious, most likely rich, and has a most of gotham and maybe even the whole world fearing him; you cant say that superman in better then Batman when every villain and civilian knows what his weakness is but doesnt even know where the heck batman is majority of the time" You argued with Freddy, who laughed at your statement and nodded a bit.

"Ok you have a point; but Superman in the man of steel, and whats batman? A depressed man in an emo cosplay that scares people by being a furry-" Freddy's statement made you gasp and hit him on the arm.

"How Dare You!" You playfully yelled; Freddy laughed at this.

"Fine; next is... Shazam or Captain Everypower?" Freddy asked, sounding a bit more excited aout this one then the others.

"Oh come on, am I a fucking joke to you; Captain Everypower all the way!" You cheered abit, sitting up, which Freddy followed along with doing.

"A-And why is that?" He asked in a nervous manner, which you didnt notice, all you did was stand up and get really excited.

"He's funny, he's powerful, he's decent on the officiency level, he's quick with his job, he puts people before himself; and like, you Shazam does the same thing but whats sets them apart is that Captain Everypower is just so much better looking" you made a fainting motion at the end of your rant.

Freddy's excitment in your statement went unnoticed by you once again as he nervously figgeted in place.

"-And it would be so cool to meet him! I bet it feel like a dream to be around him! And to touch his skin; Ive always wondered what bullet proff skin feels like!" You fanned over captain everything "Wouldnt it?" You sat back up and got really close to Freddy, who was panicking on what to say.

"O-Oh you, he's a r-really cool guy; met him a few times, great guy-"

"Does This Mean You Know Him!" You squealed in excitement.

"Y-Yeah, we're practically best friends" Freddy lied, bullets of sweat rolled down his face as he tried to to stumble over his words to much.

"Why didnt you tell me?" You asked Freddy.

"Because h-he wanted it to be a secret; and I was like why, and he was like cause its for your safety" Freedy shakely explained.

"But Why now?" You kepted asking questions to get the answers you needed.

"um....Be-because... He has agreed t-to meet...you" He lied through his teeth, only digging his own grave of regrets more.

You froze, shocked as to what he was say but to stunned to see through his semi-lies.

Um.. are you-"

"Oh My Gosh! Freddy! Thank You! You Are So Cool!" You cheered, jumping at him to get a big hug.

"n-no problem"

"When do I get to meet him? where? what time?" you asked frantically.

"Uhhh... tomorrow, after school, the convenience store down the street; O-of course if h-he's free that is" Freddy shakely answered; making you stand back up and cheer in glee.

"Oh I cant wait: I need to head home but I will see you tomorrow!" And with that you rushed out of the house.

"Wow, that was something" Billy walked over and leaned on the door frame, watching as Freddy panicked.

"What the fuck have I gotten myself into.... Can you help me?"

"Nope" Billy said

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day you basically floated down the hall you were so happy; and it was very clear to both Billy and Freddy as to how excited you were.

"How did you get me in this plan again?" Billy asked.

"Cause you care for me and I care for the fact that Captain Everypower has a super fan that is hot" Freddy whisper yelled to Billy, who sighed.

"Fine: so the plan is that distract superfan while you get out of school and ready for the little rendez-vous?" Billy asked, making Freddy nodded as the bell rang for the last class of the day.

They nodded to each other and walked off.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The bell hadnt even rang and you were running out of class, to excited to meet Captain Everypower.

You rushed down the hall and to the front door, but before you could get off school grounds, Billy Baston appeared infront of you.

"Hey... um...." Billy hadnt though of a distraction.

"Oh Hi Billy" You Happily said"Whats up?"

"Um...whats got you so smiley?" He asked as he watched behind you as Freddy walked off school grounds as quickly as possible.

"Im going off to meet Captain Everypower" You said with pride, making Billy fake a surprised expression.

“Wow, thats really cool-“ Billy nodded.

“Yeah! well, i have to get going! Bye!” you cheered as you almost bolted off.

“W-wait! Um, Freddy wanted me to tell you that he is unable to make it to the meet up you are having” Billy covered up, panicking a bit more at you excitement.

“Oh, why?”

‘Shit!’ Billy mentally cursed.

“Well, um, he’s-“

“He’s helping me with a projected in art” Darla came butting in the save the day, leaving Billy in relief.

“Oh well, tell him ill see him later; Bye you too” You then ran off; leaving Billy to really let out a sigh of relief and walk home with Darla.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You waited patiently by the convenience store, waiting the arrival of Captain Everypower in his bright blue super-suit and curly hair that reminded you of Freddy’s in a way.

You were almost jumping down the street at how exhilarated you are for this encounter with the hero and types of questions you would attack the hero with; where did he get his powers? What’s the suit made of? What’s it like to fly? What its-

Your thoughts were interrupted by wind crashing down behind you, you turned yourself to see a very frantic looking Captain everypower.

He looked around a few times before spotting you, then straight into himself out.

“Evening citizen” He said, putting his hands on his hips as he broaden his shoulders.

You were gonna faint at how cool this was.

“I heard from my very good friend, Freddy Freeman, that you, my friend, are a fan of me” He confidently walked over, but not with out stumbling a bit; which concerned you.

“Are you ok? You look tired; Do you need to site down?” You frantically asked.

"O-oh yeah, just was off saving the day and s-stuff before coming here" He waved you off, but his responce excited you.

"What type of 'saving the day'?" You asked, almost jumping at him in curiousity of the question.

"Well, some man tried to steal a womans bag and i stopped it, sent him to jail" He proundly said, making you fan over his actions.

"You are so cool!" You yelled out.

These conversations went on for the next 20 minutes; talking about cool superhero stuff and the best ways to take out villains.

But sadly he had to go, and so did you.

So he bid his good bye and flew off, leaving you as a stuttering mess of excitment and the fact that you believed that it was all a dream.

You made your way to Victor and Rosa's place in a dreamed dazed at meeting captain everything, skipping and humming to yourself with a big smile playing on your lips.

You knocked on the door and Victor answered.

"Hi, Freddy's just up stairs if you need him" He stepped out of the way as you nodded, making you way up the stairs of the home and into Billy and Freddy's shared room.

Freddy was laying on his bed, looking tired as he mumbeled to himself about something when you walked in.

YOu threw yourself down beside him, which obviously made him jump.

You hugged his waist tightly; "Thank you thank you thank you so much" You said, kissing his cheek as he becomes very embarrsed.

"N-no problem... I bet he enjoyed his time with you very much" Freddy said, pulling you close as Darla and Billy watched from the door way.

---------------------------------------------------

Thank you so much for the request and your patience, I really hope you all enjoyed it.

If their is any request you want the fit onto my request list then pleasse dont fear to send it in.

[matthewmurdockswife]

My Story <3

Tw: suicide,Sh,self-hate

Hey yall so I never really talk about my personal life on here but i feel like I owe everyone an explanation.

Within the past two years I have recovered from SH, and an attempted suicide, it was half ass but it was still an attempt. I was playing fast and loose with my life because I thought there was nothing left of it. I hated myself and how I looked, How I always felt so depressed the way my relationships with friends and family always seemed to fall apart but most of all I hated myself.

Im not sure exactly when it happened but about one year ago I met someone. She had similar interests as me and understood me on a personal level and even though we had lived completely different experiences she was there for me. We started talking more and more and I found out she lived Hours away from me in a completely different country, but I accepted our distance and created our connection. She helped me see that my life was very much so worth living. This girl was harley @dwntwn-strnlo

About four months later the only friends I was talking with in person blew up on me with fake excuses about why we shouldnt be friends, one had stolen some of my clothes as well as some of my money. It hurt more not because they left me but because I trusted them and they betrayed me, They left me out to dry and I reconnected with an old friend from middle school, M.

M helped me to realize that my emotional connection to people isnt a downfall but my strong suit. My intense passion love and energy I give to the world only makes me more beautiful not more weak.

Then M introduced me to S. And S is the most kind and gentle and loving people ive ever met. She reflected me in every sense of my love for others. S helped me to realize that just because someone else doesnt agree doesnt mean I cant formulate and stand up for my own opinions.

The three of us became very close and talked nearly everyday. Im not sure exactly when or why, but one day I decided to pull out my phone and film one of our lunches. Me,M and S all really hit it off we loved being in front of the camera and it almost just felt like the camera wasnt even there.

So we kept filming and that night I went home to edit our very first video and I posted it on an old youtube channel. I touched it up and added pretty colours and tried to make it more asethetic and I stayed up all night working on that first video.

And it got 13 views. And a hate comment. And then youtube took it down. But we didnt care. We kept hussling and we never stopped filming and i havent lost passion in the past half year weve been filming, I even branched off to start my own youtube channel because I love it so much.

I know I dont share much with you all and you dont even know my name, but I felt that where I was today was something i needed to share. My group doesnt have very many subscribers and im okay with that as long as it means I get to keep doing something I love.

so unfortunately I have been putting a lot less time and a LOT less effort into my writing. Im in my senior year of highschool and its all or nothing. I really want to do youtube as a career but i understand the sucsess rate is low, I have a backup plan but ill never be as happy as I am when im in front of the camera filming one of our youtube videos.

So I wanted to apologize to those of you who have been waiting for me to post but its very unlikely that i will be posting many or frequent fics anymore im not saying Im stopping im just slowing down. Its been a rough couple of years but ive finally found something I can pour my heart into. I hope yall understand I love yall so much seriously youve given me so much support<3

Love,

matthewmurdockswife <3

Please never hesitate to talk to me about anything through my inbox or my dms <3

@dwntwn-strnlo @fenoy7 @sturnioloshacker @lvrsparadise @querenciasturniolo

[superchat]

if you are mentally ill (which, no offense, seems to be the case) then it makes sense to me that you'd have times where your coping mechanisms won't be enough, that's what support systems are for. i hope you have some people in your life you can turn to for help and care. im just a rando on the internet but i hope that you'll continue to live no matter how bad it gets, no one has taste in horror content like you

undiagnosed on everything i have. but i 100% have something. no one irl knows what i am like. at best they can infer i have depression + MAYBE some kind of autism but these are conversations i have never had with someone irl.

not meant to be a "woe is me" my mom has a few times in the past asked me if i ever deal with depression and that is a topic im way to uncomfortable to ever hold with her, or any of my family

the most vulnerable convo ive had was with my friend a couple weeks ago where i talked abt how id like to live without agency or responsibility and that i havent enjoyed life for at least 8 years now, but thats abt as deep as it got. kinda stayed on the philosophical level and not the personal

all that to say, if i hit a breaking point, i think i would be fucked

[drdemonprince]

could you tell us about your experience with mushrooms? I've tried it many times, and I feel like it hasn't changed anything for me (though i had no expectations), but maybe i was "doing it wrong"

I posted about it a couple weeks back, so you can scroll thru for that, but it didn't do much for me. I felt high like I was on weed, I danced in a warehouse for a while, which was as pleasant as it always is substances or no, I went outside and the grass and leaves were shimmering, my friend drove me in their car and we listened to Bjork and it was very pretty and moving to watch the sunlight glisten on the skyscrapers and the lake, I felt a sense of peace and certainty in living here being an immense gift that I should cement by establishing more permanent roots here, housing wise, and then we went to the beach to watch a drag show and i drank a bubble tea and felt relaxed and good. later in the evening, mostly sober watching children's dog movies of the 90s like All Dogs Go to Heaven, I got kind of emotional. but nothing beyond my normal range of possible feeling. i was depressed the next day, sad like a forlorn child in a manageable way. i was irritable and pissy the next few days, desperately craving my own space and quiet, which used to happen a few years ago when i was in a worse living situation and place in my life. it felt like backsliding. i was annoyed that i felt that way. it stayed like that for a few days. now a couple weeks later im basically the same, but a little more resolute about some changes that i want to make. i feel like a serious adult man. if anything it just got me to where i was mentally heading a little bit faster.

sometimes the shrooms have something to teach you, my friend blair says, and sometimes they don't. while i was high in the car listening to bjork, i turned inward and asked the mushrooms, "hey guys, whats going on? what do i need to know, if anything?" and they said to me (im speaking metaphorically here) "you already know exactly what is going on in your life. you know what you're good at and what you want, and you know what has been persistently making you upset. youve made certain decisions about how to navigate the difficult things in your life, and you have an accurate gauge of what the costs of that are. not much else to say. you know what's going on." and i was like "bet." i didn't hallucinate, i had no big revelations, and i probably wouldnt do it again for a very long time because the come down sucked for me.

people overhype what substances can do for you, a lot of the time. it's just a tool. it can be fun. it can give you diarrhea. it can make you cry, and maybe that's good. it's not a solution to your problems it's just another problem but some problems are worth it in your own risk cost calculus etc.

and i find that many autistic people just aren't all that impacted by substances like allistics are. we're so reflexive at masking that our impulse may be to maintain composure and level headedness at all times. i was pretty sober after anesthesia too. i often wish that substances would give me some grand feeling of release, but once the drug hits my system all i want is to remain in control, as i always do. there's an infamous story about a guy who the CIA tested acid tabs on, who didn't hallucinate or act funny after like 30 consecutive doses. he just seemed normal. it turned out he was at baseline absolutely consumed with debilitating anxiety. so being super fucking high just gave him something to direct his hyperanalytical system's attention to. i hope someone reading this will remember this account and provide a link, im not being super precise. but. there's something about that experience that i relate to. ive never been out of control on any substance. i always seem pretty lucid, maybe a little sillier or more tired but even those things feel like a choice.

[anonymoushouseplantfan]

Hello Plant. I noticed that James Middleton had bad depression and such. Do think Kate maybe tried to help Meghan since it hit close to home?

I doubt she tried to help with Meghan's depression because it sounds like Harry didn't tell anyone in the family about it. You can't help if you don't know.

But I do think she had sympathy for Meghan. She also suffered at the hands of the press and the tabloids came up with some very embarrassing reveals about her uncle right before her wedding. And she did try to help improve Meghan's image by inviting her to her sister's wedding and to Amner Hall and Wimbledon, doing the forum with her, and doing all the Christmas walks.

We forget how much the Royal Overton Window changed after Meghan. Before she came along, it would have been unthinkable to (i) issue a statement protecting a girlfriend of a few weeks, (ii) let a girlfriend of a few months move in to Nott Cott, (ii) let a girlfriend leak family stories to legitimize the relationship, (iii) let a girlfriend of a few months attend a family wedding, (iv) let a girlfriend do an interview with Vanity Fair, (iv) allow an engagement after a mere year of long-distance dating without the royals having met the family, (v) have a fiancée attend Sandringham, (vi) have a fiancee attend formal forums and Commonwealth events, (v) give a fiancee a royal baptism before the wedding with the POW present and a royal gift, or (v) have post-wedding events with the entire family to support the new member. This was unprecedented. Will and Kate got a reception with the Obamas (on their own!) and then were shipped to Wales for months. Kate's first event with the Queen was like a year later and she did a solo reception for Charles before that. Kate had to be confirmed before the wedding and Will was the one there.

The level of family and institutional support for Meghan was insane. They pulled out all the stops supporting her, which is why she was getting such good press at the beginning. They were literally having family events with her every two weeks or so, to keep the press sweet. That was unsustainable to begin with, then her dad drama (and Harry and Meghan complaining to IPSO about it) and the conflicts with the staff messed it all up.

[omghallucinations]

Your brain is everything 😭 honey i do not understand half of the shit you are saying but you are SAYING it 💅 im new to astrology so forgive me if this is a stupid question or i dont make sense, but i was just looking at my chart and i realized something kind of cool? So hyunjin has a Pisces stellium, and I have a virgo stellium, but get this- he's a Pisces sun Virgo moon, aren't those signs opposite each other's? Aaaand on top of it, I'm a Virgo sun, Pisces moon *jazz hands* theoretically bc obv im never going to meet this man, would that be harmonious? Im not talking about those two ppl dating, but ive just been reading ur analysis for him and it hit so close to home for ME and idk it was really weird and trippy the way it resonated and how connected i felt to his personality. Or like could this explain why i feel such a draw to him? (Not in like a i wanna marry him kind of way, but like in a "the suffering in me feels the suffering in you" kinda way lol) any additional guidance or lessons would be appreciated or you can just skip this ask all together hahha. hope you're doing well 💗!

oh word!! i love this topic. and: yes for sure. imo pisces and virgo are both really karmic signs--pisces is the 12th house, so like the end of a cycle, and virgo is the 6th house, which is like purifying before the next step of life? so they both have that resonance, and often someone with those placements (especially a stellium) has a lot of karmic Stuff going on. i mean everyone does, but i think pisces, virgo and scorpio placements (and 4th/8th/12th house placements) have it on a really personal like "through yourself" level. (aquarius and capricorn and 11th house placements are also super karmic but i see it as more like The Universe works on you/through you more 😩)

and yeah it's common for people to feel a strong connection when their sun and moon reverse match, or even like sun matches their moon by itself! hilariously jisung is also a virgo with a pisces moon so you can look at that relationship--immediate strong feelings (of some kind 😂) that leads to a real emotional understanding or sensitivity. on one level you'll understand each other completely, and on another you deeply will not lmao. there's often some envy or projection mixed in, but more importantly both people can make the other one feel really secure emotionally. and ur lessons and Issues often overlap too. i wouldn’t be surprised if your lunar nodes are similar in some way too (either signs, element, aspect, houses).

like a virgo moon is a real particular placement (my gf has a virgo moon lmao) and that moon is incredibly almost pathologically critical in a way a pisces moon isn't (altho she has her own very Real Struggles, both these moons love to give u depression!!). a virgo sun needs to embody a version of that energy--like, picking out what is actually important, learning to get rid of ego, helping others, doing practical things--so you'll recognize that impulse in someone else’s moon. i feel like especially when your sun is someone else's moon, you can really Key Into that. tho tbh both ways it can be like a laser for REAL.

it’s so interesting!! i feel similarly about ateez wooyoung (my suffering recognises Your Suffering, although we are insanely different people) and i think it’s because we both have a bunch of yods (and quincunx aspects generally) and the yods have tons of planets/houses in common. My Issues recognize Ur Issues in a major way 🫠

[nowandajenn]

Blue Christmas -chapter 11

Summary: After almost three years of marriage, everyone would tell you that Chris and his wife Kelly are the most stable, solid couple they know. But behind closed doors, things are tense as they keep trying for a baby, to no avail. When a secret threatens to shake their solid marriage to it’s core, will they be able to pick up the pieces?

Series warnings: angst (like a lot), mentions of infidelity, language, family drama, pregnancy, sexual situations.

Author’s Note: I do not consent to have my content, whether it be this story or anything else of my creation, posted by a third party on any other platform other than right here without my permission. This blog is 18+ and is not intended for minors. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Heed the warnings.

January 8th (Six days post accident)

The pain meds they give people in the hospital following surgery pack a wallop, especially when given through an IV. They make me have crazy dreams, turn my attention span paper thin, and have the added bonus of turning my brain/mouth filter virtually non-existent.

I’m trying to pay attention to the conversation that Chris is trying to have with me. I really am. To be fair, he knew when he got here an hour ago that I had just gotten another dose. 

“What about this one?”

 Chris turns the iPad towards me so I can see yet another picture and resume’ of a home health nurse. It was an idea that he was originally against, but both Lisa and Andi, my main nurse, had both suggested that maybe having someone come in for a few hours a day a couple times a week would be a good thing. As much as he wants to do everything he possibly can for you, he also knows he’s only one person. After not hearing a response, and thinking maybe I had dozed off into a narcotic induced nap, he looks up to see me using my good hand to fiddle with the end of the braid that the nurse had put my hair into earlier after the shower that I’d finally been allowed to have after days of bed baths. 

Showers used to be glorious things. Water turned up to near scalding levels, music playing loud with me singing loudly (and badly) along, and nice shampoo and shower gel that smells amazing. This was not that. This was an entire process that took nearly an hour, starting with my casted leg and equally casted arm being wrapped in waterproof plastic and ending with me in tears because washing long hair takes two functional hands, and I only had one. There’s zero dignity in having another person give you a shower when you’re a grown woman who’s been showering and bathing by herself for many years now without issue. The nurse had been amazingly sweet and sympathetic and helped me with whatever I couldn’t do on my own (which was a lot), but the whole experience just left me feeling useless and depressed. 

 A soft touch to my hand brings me back to the present. 

“Where’d you go?” he asks softly. 

”My hair smells weird.” 

He leans forward a bit so he can get a whiff of my hair. “It smells okay to me.” 

“It’s not the same. It’s weird, clinical hospital shampoo. It doesn’t smell good like mine.” I lament. “I couldn’t even wash my own hair today. It’s too long, and I couldn’t do it with one hand. I can’t even-”

My voice starts to waver and I look down at my arm that’s laying useless in a sling across my chest. Even my fingers are so swollen and bruised that I couldn’t even put my rings on if I tried. My ring finger, which hasn’t been naked since Chris slipped my engagement ring on it some four and a half years ago, feels very bare and just wrong. Everything about the accident and my injuries keeps hitting me in different ways. 

I look over at Chris and then down at the iPad that he’s still holding. “Hire whoever you want. I honestly don’t care, and it’s not like I have any choice in the matter.”

He sighs softly, knowing that this conversation was never going to go over well. He knows that I know that I’m going to need as much help as I can get when I finally get released to go home, but he also knows that being as stubborn and self sufficient as I am, my worst nightmare is having someone have to help me do something as simple as get out of fucking bed. 

“This is the one thing that’s happened lately that you do get to choose. I want to get someone that you’re going to like and be comfortable with. I can’t imagine what this is like for you right now, and I’m just trying to make life as easy as it can get when you’re home.”

“I don’t know if I’m going to like someone from a goddamn resume’. As long as they can do the job without fucking me up more than I already am, great.” My back is starting to ache because of the position that I’m laying in, and when I go to slide further up the bed, I’m rewarded with a searing pain in my stomach from the movement pulling at my still healing splenectomy incisions. 

“Fuck, honey-”

I fall back on the pillows, irritated as hell and over this damn conversation, and the words fly out of my mouth before I can even think about stopping them. 

“Just pick someone! Maybe you’ll get lucky and you’ll get another girl who’s going to fall for the irresistible Chris Evans charm, who has no moral compass and no compunction about sleeping with married men. Then you can throw a shot into her too.”

I watch as his face falls, his hand pulling back from where it’s been resting on my arm and a lump the size of a golf ball forms in my throat. I didn’t mean to say that. I might as well just be wearing a name tag that says Hi, I’m: Here To Make Things Worse. I cover my mouth with my hand and glance up towards the ceiling, trying to blink the tears away before they can fully form. 

“I’m…..I’m sorry. I didn’t mean….” I start, but the words don’t want to come out. 

“It’s okay.” he tries to assure me. 

“No, it’s not.” I look down at the fluffy blue blanket that Chris brought me from home and I play with the slightly frayed edge, ashamed and unable to look at the broken look on his face. “This is a bad idea.” 

He pops a shoulder. “Could always hire a male nurse.” he says, raising his eyebrow. 

I let out a small snort, knowing he said it to try and lighten the mood, but all I can feel right now is trepidation at the thought of coming home with Chris to recover and him taking the brunt of all of my frustrations and emotional eruptions. 

He turns the iPad off and puts it on the side table and I watch as he stands up and grabs his jacket off the back of the chair, and my eyes widen.

“Don’t leave. Please, I-” I sputter out, trying to push down my panic. 

“I’m not. I’m just going to run down and get a coffee and check in with Shanna and see how Dodger’s doing. Are you getting hungry? You want me to grab you something?” 

I squint, trying to remember the dinner options on the meal sheet they give me every day and which one I might have picked. 

“Uhhhhh….no. I’ll be okay. They should be bringing whatever I picked out soon anyway. I’ll live.” 

“Okay. Text me if you change your mind. I’ll be back. No more than half an hour, I promise.” he says, resting his palm on the top of my head gently. 

When Chris gets back twenty or so minutes later, I’m honestly sort of surprised he came back instead of just going home and getting away from my emotional, broken ass for a while. And even more surprised that his mom is with him, since I didn’t know she was planning on coming by today. 

When they walk in, I’m sitting in one of the chairs in the room with my leg propped up, poking at a dish of red jello with a spoon. 

“What are you doing out of bed?” Chris asks, surprised. 

“I had to pee after you left, and being in bed was making my back hurt, so I asked if they could just park me here for a while. There’s not a ton of options when all you can really do is sit, so…I’ll be ready to get back in bed in a while.” 

Lisa starts towards me and I push the wheeled table away from me slightly so she can bend down and give me a hug, which I return with a strength that takes her by surprise a little bit. Knowing how hard the last few days (hell, weeks for that matter) have been and the fact that your mom isn’t around, she just had a feeling today that you could probably use a big dose of love that only a mama can provide, which is why she decided to pop by and surprise both you and Chris. 

She tilts my cheek to the side gently as she examines my face. “Your bruises are looking better.” 

“Mmm. Still hurts. Airbags will save your life, but you’re going to feel like you went twelve rounds with Mike Tyson after they go off in your face.”

“So, Chris and I were talking downstairs, and I had an idea.” I swallow my mouthful of jello and look towards Chris, really hoping that he didn’t tell her about what I said. He shakes his head almost imperceptibly and the anxiety in my gut loosens up a bit. 

“What would you think about me coming to stay with you guys for a bit when you got home?” 

“Chris, tell me you didn’t ask your mom to come home with us to be my babysitter.” I groan. Lisa snorts slightly. “He didn’t ask. I’m offering. I know you’re not crazy about someone you don’t know being in your house and….” she searches for the right words “helping you. And it wouldn’t be for too long; just until you guys get yourselves situated at home and get into a routine with things. It’s just to make the transition a little smoother.” she assures me. 

I look over at Chris and he shrugs, gesturing to me. “This is your call.” 

I sigh, looking over at my mother in law, who I adore more than anyone in the world. “I’m not great to be around lately. I’m still not convinced that coming home after this is the right thing to do, and I’m afraid it’s really just going to make things worse. I don’t want you both to have to deal with my psychotic mood swings.”

“Sweetheart, if your mood was completely stable after everything that’s happened, I’d be terrified. You’re hurt, and you can’t do the things that everyone else takes for granted without help, and everyone knows how frustrating that is. I know you’re angry and sad and frustrated. And that’s okay. We’re-” she gestures between herself and her eldest son “made of tough stuff. Well, I’m tougher than him. We all know he’s a big baby who cries at the drop of a Hallmark movie.” I sputter out a laugh while wiping my eyes. 

“We all love you, and we’re all here for you no matter what.”

January 17th (Fifteen days post accident)

“They would release you on the coldest day of the year.” Chris says as he makes a final sweep around the hospital room that I’ve called home for the last two weeks. 

I huff out a small laugh. “Let’s just get the hell out of here before they come back here and tell me that they’ve decided to keep me for another week.”

“They should be back any minute with your discharge papers, and then we’ll go. The doc said he was going to call in your prescriptions to Walgreens, so hopefully they’ll be ready by the time we get there. Or I can get you home and settled in and run back out and grab them.” 

“We can wait for them. It’s too cold to be running back and forth.”

I look down at my “going home” outfit and can’t help but feel completely ridiculous. A pair of pink flannel pajama pants with penguins on them (they’re the only thing besides sweats that I can get up over the cast on my leg), a long sleeved white shirt, and one of Chris’ hoodies that’s zipped up over my sling, leaving just my good arm in the sleeve. They removed the stitches from my arm yesterday, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to look at it. The compression bandage that I’ve been instructed to wear all the time (with the exception of showers) is a lot more comfortable than the layers of wrapping my arm was encased in, but still annoying. And it itches like the devil. My right foot is encased in fluffy socks and a shoe, and my left leg is of course still in a cast, a sock pulled down over my exposed toes so they don’t freeze off when I go outside. 

My eyes go to the small black wheelchair that’s coming home with me and I squeeze my eyes shut. Because I’ve been instructed not to use my damaged arm for ANYTHING more strenuous than moving it gently to maneuver a shirt on and off, I can’t use crutches. 

Chris finishes packing up my backpack, and stops when he sees me staring vacantly at the wheelchair. He frowns, and walks over slowly, sitting on his heels in front of me. 

“Hey.” he murmurs softly, snapping me out of my reverie. 

“Hmm?”

“This isn’t going to be forever. They said the cast is going to come off hopefully in a couple of weeks, and then they’re going to put you in a walking boot. At least then you’ll be able to get up and move around. I know, I know how much you hate this. I do. But it is not forever.”

“I know.” I hate how small my voice is. “I hate how I have to think about every move I make. I can’t reach for anything because I can’t use my arm. I have to be careful when I stretch or it hurts my stomach. I have to cough or sneeze as soft as I can or else my ribs hurt. It’s just….I feel like a prisoner in my own body right now.” 

“But you’re going to get the chance to get stronger and recover.” I look up at him and our eyes meet, and I know we’re both thinking about the fact that the driver of the car that hit me died four days ago from his injuries sustained in the crash, and how that could have been me instead. 

When the nurse comes in with my discharge papers and the litany of aftercare instructions, Chris takes them and heads downstairs with my stuff so he can bring the car around to the front entrance. The nurse helps me put my coat and hat on before helping me maneuver myself into the wheelchair and we head down to the first floor. 

“You excited you’re finally out of here?” she asks me with a smile. 

“And nervous. It was kind of comforting knowing that even though I was stuck in here, if anything went wrong, I was in the right place.”

I see Chris pull up at the curb, and the nurse wheels me outside, and I gasp at the biting cold. It’s the first time I’ve felt fresh air on my skin since the day of the accident, and although it’s beyond freezing, it still feels amazing to breathe it in. It isn’t until I get situated in the passenger seat and we’re ready to drive home that the panic sets in. 

“The last time I was in a car I almost died.”

Chris takes his hands off the steering wheel and reaches over to hold my right hand. 

“I know.”

“You drive like an insane person.” 

Despite the seriousness of the conversation, he snorts, because he knows the amount of speeding tickets he’s accumulated since he started driving is ridiculous. But he also knows that since the accident, he’s been almost hyper aware of his speed and everything going on around him, when he usually just goes on autopilot when he’s driving, like anyone else who drives every day. 

“I promise I won’t drive like an insane person with you in the car.” 

“Don’t drive like an insane person ever. You can’t control the way other idiots drive, but you can control how you do. I need you around.”

Those words make hope bloom in his chest. 

“I promise.”

When we get home, relief washes over me. As promised, Chris drove very carefully and obeyed the speed limit, but I was still a nervous wreck the whole 25 minute drive. Plus, being scrunched in the roomy, but limited space of the passenger seat isn’t very comfortable with my injuries. One the car is parked inside the garage and Chris has my door open, he realizes that he didn’t really think this part through very well. 

The furniture inside has been arranged and re-arranged about a dozen times in different configurations to accommodate the wheelchair in the house. He purchased a shower chair for me to make showers easier, he got cast wraps to keep the cast on my leg dry, he set up a perfect little nest with pillows and blankets on our sectional so I’d be comfortable, with remotes and chargers and books, and even a little cooler within reach. 

I notice the look on his face that he gets when he’s confused about something or trying to find a solution to a problem, and turn to him. 

“You’re trying to figure out how you’re going to get me in the house, aren’t you?”

The sheepish, yet slightly guilty look on his face tells me I’m right. “I have guys coming on Monday to put in a temporary ramp over the stairs in front. But I didn’t think about today.”

There’s two steps to get from the garage into the house, and the wheelchair isn’t going to make it up them. 

“You’re going to have to carry me in the house.”

“I was thinking that, but I don’t want to hurt you. You’re still really sore.” he says, gesturing to his chest and stomach. 

“I’m pretty sure everything I do for a while is going to be somewhat painful, but I think this is our only option. Why don’t you grab the wheelchair and bring it in, put Dodger in the bedroom until we get inside so he doesn’t knock me down when he sees me, and then come back out and grab me?”

He exhales slowly. “Okay. I’ll be right back. Just…..” he trails off, gesturing vaguely at me. 

“Trust me, I’m not going anywhere.” 

When Chris comes back out, he comes around to the passenger side and opens the door for me. I turn in the seat, angling myself as much as I can to make it easier for him to grab me and carry me inside. I’m slightly nervous about how much this is going to hurt, but I’m determined to not let it show. 

“You ready?” 

I take a deep breath and nod. He stoops down and slides his left arm around my back, while his right arm loops under my legs and he lifts me gently, my good arm going around his neck. He’s carried me like this about a million times in the years that we’ve been together, but for some reason, all I can think about is how he carried me (both of us slightly tipsy)  like this up to our hotel room after our wedding reception, and me laughing and telling him not to drop me or else I’d get our marriage annulled. I squeeze my eyes shut at the memory. 

I open them back up when I feel Chris setting me down on the end of the sofa and helping me get comfortable. 

“Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?” he asks nervously. 

“I’m okay. Can you just grab a couple pillows so I can put my leg up though?” 

He hits the button on the side of the couch for the foot rest to come up and slides a couple throw pillows under my leg. 

“Can I get you anything? Are you hungry? Thirsty?” 

“I”m okay for right now. Can you go get Dodger though? I missed him like crazy.”

He smiles and goes to the bedroom to let the dog out, and a second later, I hear the sound of his nails clicking rapidly on the hardwood. 

“Hi, baby!” I exclaim, holding my arm out. 

“Dodge, be gentle, okay? Careful.” Chris warns. 

Dodger jumps up on the couch next to me and immediately snuggles into my side. Luckily enough, he’s on my good side so I can give him pets and belly rubs. 

“Mom’s going to be over in a few hours. She said she wanted to give us a little bit of time to get settled in and such. I’m gonna go and unpack our stuff and start some laundry. You have the remotes and your phone and charger nearby….if you need anything, just yell. Or tell Dodger to come get me.” 

“I will. I think I’m going to try and take a nap though, honestly. The trip home kind of took it out of me.”

“Okay.” He grabs a blanket from the back of the sofa and drapes it over me, dropping a kiss to my head before he leaves to go get started on unpacking our stuff. As he walks away, he stops to look back at me again, thinking to himself how it seems like it’s been a lifetime since the last time the both of us were in this house together, even though it’s only been about three weeks. As much as he wanted you back home, he never in a million years thought this would be how it happened. 

January 25th (23 days post accident)

“God, that feels nice.” I moan at the feeling of Chris’ fingers in my hair, massaging the shampoo in. 

“Why do you think I always beg you to wash my hair?” he says, smirking. I catch his use of the present tense, and try and think about how long it’s been since the last shower we took together before the accident. I’m damn near positive it was way different than the ones that have happened since I’ve been home, and probably ended in orgasms all around. 

“This is infinitely better than the showers in the hospital. The nurse who always used to do mine had long ass nails. I’m pretty sure one of them is still embedded in my brain somewhere.” 

He laughs as he rinses my hair with the detachable shower head. After working conditioner through my hair and helping me scrub myself down and even shaving my right leg and under my arms for me, he steps out of the shower and wraps a towel around his waist before grabbing another one to dry me off. I’m sitting on the toilet lid in my underwear while Chris smooths lotion on me, letting me do what I can reach with my good arm when I say his name softly. 

“Thank you.” I watch his eyebrow quirk up in confusion. 

“What for?”

“This. The- everything. When we got married, I bet you never imagined you’d have to help me shower and put on clean underwear and take me to go pee.”

He looks down as he continues to rub the lotion into my leg. “No, but I don’t think anyone goes in ever thinking about the worst case scenario where those things would ever come up. But that’s part of the deal, right? For better or worse? That covers everything; not just the good stuff. You don’t have to thank me. It’s my job.” 

“You could have just let my mom have her way and let them take me home.” I point out. 

He scoffs and shakes his head. 

“Absolutely not. For one thing, you and your mom would have ended up killing each other. And for another…..your head is giving you enough grief as it is right now, and being around her would have just made it worse. I couldn’t do that to you.” 

I see Chris reach for my shirt and groan, knowing how much it hurts my arm to put a damn shirt on. 

“How bad does it look?”

“Your arm?” 

I nod slightly and he sighs. “It’s still really raw and red. It’s going to fade, but it’s going to take some time. The doctor recommended some stuff that’s supposed to help with scars. Make them less visible over time.” 

“Can I see it?” I ask. 

“Are you sure?” he asks. I shrug a bit. 

He picks me up off the toilet seat and walks us in front of the bathroom mirror and turns so I can see my arm. I suck in a shuddering breath and close my eyes. It’s ugly. A roughly five inch or so vertical incision straight down my upper arm, red and raw and glaringly obvious. Even when it’s fully healed, it’s going to be ugly. 

“If you want, I can always talk to Josh. We can see if he can draw something up so you can cover it up once it’s fully healed.”

I nod as tears leak out of my eyes. Chris tilts my chin up. “It’s just a scar. It doesn’t define you and it’s not the end of the world. It doesn’t make you any less beautiful.” He pivots so my ass is sat on the bathroom vanity and once I’m settled, he pulls the shirt over my head, being gentle with  my arm, and then helps me into a clean pair of pajama pants. 

“You know, we’re actually getting kind of good at this.” he says as he carries me out of the bathroom and sets me down in our bed. 

“I hate that that’s something to brag about.” I tell him, rolling my eyes. “Although, I guess after doing the same thing day after day for a couple weeks, it’s to be expected. You don’t look quite as terrified now as you did the first time we did this.” 

February 2nd (one month post accident)

“I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner….I was in a pretty serious car accident a month ago and things have been a little hectic since then. I haven’t been cleared by my doctor to fly yet, so there’s no way we can make it out there. Mmmmhmmm. Yeah, the reservation is under Kelly Evans.” 

Chris walks into the kitchen and starts making himself a cup of coffee while I’m on hold with the resort to cancel the Valentines Day reservations I had made back in November. I had a solid plan that I had cooked up with Meghan and his team so he wouldn’t have anything scheduled for the three days I had booked at Post Ranch Inn, but then between finding out about the affair and the accident, my carefully made plan got blown straight to hell, leaving me feeling a little (lot) angry. 

“Okay. Thank you again for all your help. I’m sorry again for the late notice.” 

I end the call and toss my cell phone onto the island, irritation bubbling up inside me. 

“Who was that?” 

“Canceling the reservation I made for us for Valentines Day at Post Ranch Inn. I made it before I found out about you fucking someone else. That kind of took the romance out of it a little bit. Well, that and the fact that my body’s still mostly useless.” 

My newly (as of two days ago) uncasted leg starts itching to high hell under the walking boot and compression sock I have on, and I start the process of unstrapping the boot one handed so I can enjoy scratching my leg to my heart’s content. I wish I could have gotten a picture of Chris and the doctor’s faces when my cast was finally cut off and a fork, two pens, and a plastic ruler came tumbling out of it, all lost in my attempt to wedge something down there to scratch the itch. 

He sighs lightly and turns so his back is to the counter, giving me what I’ve coined his “kicked puppy look.” Most of the time, I feel guilty for whatever I said to make that look appear, but today I’m just too agitated to care. 

“Don’t give me that look. You do it every single time I mention the fact that you had sex with someone else. You know what you did. You don’t get to make that face and look like I just told you that Disneyland is closing down forever.”

He walks over to where I’m sitting with a sigh, and reaches to help me with the straps on my boot. “Can we not fight? Please? I know that there’s an ocean of stuff we have to work through, and I know none of this is easy…I just don’t want to fight with you.” 

“Just stop. I can do it myself. You know, just because I still need you to help with most of my basic human functions doesn’t mean that I necessarily like being around you all the time. You’re my husband and for some God forsaken reason, even though you did what you did, I still love you, despite me calling you a cheating shitbag in my head at least once a day. So, just leave me alone for a little while, okay? I was really excited about having this trip happen, and it all got blown to hell in a really magnificent fashion, so let me just sit here and be pissed off and sad about it.” 

He holds his hands up and backs away. “Okay. I can do that. Just, we have your doctor’s appointment at 2, so let me know when you need me to come help you get ready.” I look up at him and nod, spinning my phone on the table. He starts to walk away, but then turns back towards me. 

“You know, when the accident happened and you were out of surgery, I kind of went into crisis mode. I called my team and canceled everything, because I knew that you were going to need someone to be there for you and help take care of you until you were stronger. And I know that you have a million people that are in our lives that would drop everything and do that for you, because you’re amazing and everyone loves you so much. The parade of people that have come and gone through here since you’ve been home is proof of that. I kind of just took charge, because I didn’t know what else to do….and I don’t think I took the time to stop and ask myself if you even wanted it to be me, given everything that happened.”

“Chris….I did. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable having anyone else do it.” 

He nods. “I know that it’s hard for you to be around me sometimes. I know that you’re still angry, and hurt and upset and you have every right to be. I know we’re a mess, but once things settle down a little bit, we’ll get in to go see that therapist that Carly told me about, and we’ll start working through it. That is, if you still want to.”

“I do.”

A few hours later, we’re sitting in the waiting room of my gynecologist’s office, and Chris is just staring around the room at the posters on the wall, and occasionally glancing at the couple of pregnant women that are in the waiting room with us. 

“Why did you need to see her?” he asks softly. 

“I’m overdue for my annual exam, and since all I do lately is go to the doctor, I figured I should probably just get it out of the way.” It’s a half truth. Well, ⅓ truth. If the doctor was right about my hcG levels when I was in the hospital, I’m about six weeks pregnant, and it’s probably time to get official confirmation in black and white. And if I am, Chris deserves to be there to hear it. But first, he needs to get something done himself. 

The nurse comes by and hands us both a clipboard with paperwork on it, and Chris’ eyebrows raise. “Why do I get paperwork?”

The nurse clears her throat nervously and taps a section on the paperwork. STD test, with the works. She walks away to let us fill out the papers, and his eyes shoot to mine. 

“Really? I told you, I used a condom.” he whispers. 

“I don’t care. I need to see it for myself, for my own peace of mind.”

He’s called back first, and with a nervous swallow and a look back at me, he follows the nurse. I’m called back shortly after, and after blood work, urine test, and the internal exam, Chris is allowed back into the exam room to wait with me while the results come back. 

“You want to grab something to eat after this? You didn’t have much for breakfast earlier.” he asks. 

“Uh, yeah, I-” I’m interrupted by a knock on the door followed by Dr. Hartman coming back in. By the look on her face, I just know. 

“Congratulations, you guys are pregnant.”

Chris is lucky that there’s a chair right behind him, or he would have been in a world of pain. When I see him basically collapse into the chair, I get worried. 

“Mr. Evans, are you okay?” Dr. Hartman asks, reaching for his wrist to check his pulse. His face is a look of pure shock, like he can’t begin to comprehend what he just heard. 

“Chris?” I ask, my own emotions threatening to spill out despite knowing this was coming. I instantly feel bad for not giving him a heads up that this was a very real chance. His eyes find mine and we just stare at each other. 

“I’m okay. I just- it’s- are you sure?” he asks, his voice unsteady. The doctor steps away, seemingly convinced that a movie star isn’t going to drop dead of shock in one of her exam rooms. “The tests are extremely accurate, but I’m going to go ahead and do a transvaginal ultrasound so we can take a look. If you’re far enough along, we should be able to hear the heartbeat.” 

Since I’m still in the gown and haven’t gotten dressed yet, I lay back on the table and assume the position again as she pulls the ultrasound machine towards her. Chris gets up on unsteady legs and stands next to me, still looking shell shocked. 

“Okay, this is going to be a little uncomfortable. Just take a nice deep breath.” she warns. I do as she says, but I still make a face when the probe is inserted. Chris is torn between watching my face and wanting to see what’s happening on the screen. Me, I’m too afraid to look anywhere but his face. For as much trepidation as I’m feeling over this pregnancy, I’m overcome with the sudden fear that she’s going to find the baby and there’s not going to be a heartbeat, just like last time, and I honestly don’t know if I can go through that twice.

“There it is.” I hear from next to me. I watch as his eyes move from mine to the screen, seeing the tiny blob in the middle of my uterus with the little flicker in the middle. A heartbeat. I still can’t bring myself to look though. Dr. Hartman, who was the one who told me that I had miscarried and performed my D&C, senses my fear, and quietly hits a button on the machine. The sound is almost overwhelming as it fills the room. I have a crazy thought that it almost sounds like clothes in the washer as it’s agitating. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. My eyes snap to the screen, and I immediately bring my hand to my mouth and burst into tears. 

“From the size, it looks like you’re about six or seven weeks. Which is going to put the due date at about….” she stops to put some numbers into the computer. September 23rd, give or take.”

After printing off some pictures and leaving the room to let me get cleaned up and get dressed, we leave the office feeling a million different emotions. We’re both quiet on the drive home, both lost in thought. How many times have we wished for this? How many negative pregnancy tests have we seen and tossed angrily into the trash, tears threatening to spill. How many times did we say “It’s okay. It’ll happen. I know it.” only for it to happen during the worst period in our marriage? 

When we get home, I slowly waddle into the house, still enjoying the feeling of being able to (somewhat) walk instead of being chained to that damn wheelchair. I make my way to the back door to let Dodger out, passing Lisa, who’s watching both Chris and I with a curious, careful gaze. 

I feel him behind me as I turn on the tap, filling a glass with water and downing it almost all in one gulp. 

“How are you feeling?” he asks softly. He can see my hand trembling slightly as I hold the glass, and he knows he has to tread lightly. 

“In general? Or about the fact that we found out I’m pregnant in the middle of our personal shit storm?” 

“Both.” I drop my head. Truth be told, I’m exhausted. My arm is killing me, the nerve pain making burning pins and needles radiate over my whole arm. My leg is aching from being on it for an extended amount of time. 

I’ve been trying to roll it over and around in my head for weeks. What to do if I really did have the shittiest luck in the world, and I did end up actually pregnant in this situation. I keep coming back to the bad joke that my brother made the night I found out about Chris about me not having to deal with all of this while I was pregnant. 

“I don’t know if I can do this.” My voice is soft, but he hears it like I’m screaming it. “I don’t know if I can have this baby. I don’t know if my body can handle it, and I don’t know if I can handle it emotionally.” 

The words punch through him like a hit from a prize fighter. He knows exactly when it happened; the night that you had come over to get a dress from your closet and we had ended up defling quite a few surfaces in the house. There’s a good chance that our baby was conceived on the dining room table. 

“Are you talking about-” he can’t even bring himself to say the words. He KNOWS this the worst timing for this to happen. He KNOWS that no matter what, it’s your choice. But the thought of not having this baby with you almost brings him to his knees. 

My breath hitches. “Chris, look at us. Take a good look at me, at my body. I’m broken. I’m still recovering. I’d have to be monitored more closely to make sure that everything is okay. Because we don’t know if it will be.” The thought of finally getting everything I wanted with my husband and then not having it makes my chest hurt. 

“I’ve wanted kids with you since the moment you told me you loved me for the first time, and that I was it for you. I knew that you were going to be the father of my kids one day. But now, with everything, I don’t know if that’s the case anymore.” 

The tears are burning my eyes, and I can feel the sobs starting to build in my throat, and I know if I don’t get out of this room right now, I’m going to lose it. I’m pretty sure that Lisa heard at least part of our conversation, and I can’t talk about it anymore without losing my mind. I set my glass in the sink and silently make my way upstairs, thinking that two of the worst conversations I’ve had in my life have taken place in the kitchen that I loved. Now I can barely stand to be in it.