#ive had some liquor lmfao and im rewatching my fave bts performances and im like

[patheticfrogarchive]

sometimes i feel like im in such a weird position as someone who has a half korean mom and a 100% white dad like so white its blinding. so like im “”””25%”””” korean but like

i apparently look asian. everyone whos ever met me is like “oh yeah i can tell ur some kind of asian. its the eyes” kids would make ching chong jokes to me when i was in middle school. i distinctly remenver a kid doing the thing where he’d pull his eyes into slants and go CHING CHING CHONG CHONg to me across the hall. we were in 6th grade. but im arguably more white than not, right?

like it really is bts and kpop that got me and my mom interested in connecting to our korean culture. i hate to say it but watching bts be huge and popular and loved really did help me finally.... not overcome, but deal with in a more healthy way the very real internalized racism that i had in myself. for years i HATED being visibly asian. “why dont i look like my other friends” id ask. “why do my eyes look like that. why does my side profile look like that.” etc. etc. and like as cringe as it is seeing the bts guys be almost uniVERSALLY praised as good looking did kind of succeed in pushing me over the edge to “oh i AM pretty. hell yeah” and these days im full of myself lmao. id be like “oh jimin has a similar side profile to me, and everyone thinks hes pretty! that means IM pretty for the same reason!” and like. it worked. it works. 

but also part of me is like. am i fetishizing korean culture? aren’t i really just a white person whos tokenizing her barely there korean heritage? whats the difference between me and those cringe white bitches you see on tiktok being like “according to my blood test im .000005% african so i can say the n word!!!!”

ive never REALLY experienced racism, so im a white person right? my brother doesnt look asian, my cousins look more asian than me, im just faking it right? but also like. i AM korean. my grandmother was born and raised in korea, her name was ok-cha kim, shes KOREAN. my mother is korean. IM korean. but sometimes i feel like im faking it and just being a koreaboo. and its weird.