#ive got quite the backlog of this ive already written and just need to post

[intherainbowfactory]

Pony Rituals (5/6)

Epiphany! That was what was needed! There was no way that the two of them would be able to work out their problems on their own; they needed a third observer to bring them together by busting their preconceived notions of what the other thought of them! Manipulation would set them free. In my mind’s eye, I began to picture the ponies as sorts of dolls, marionettes, actors without a sort of driving will to give them anything except the horrible existence they eked out before I came into their lives.

And so I enacted my plan. I would bring both of them to neutral ground to meet and talk things out without them being the wiser for my plot. I would enter the friendship lesson so that I could finish it and get out of there quickly before I arouse any suspicion; I may be an expert infiltrator and... I may somehow be considered a friend to both parties I'm bringing together, but I don't know enough about pony culture to pass for one, and I have a couple of bad physiological habits that wouldn't be able to fool a discerning mob. 

The DJ, whose name I learned was Scratch, would be summoned by a letter I would forge so that she would come to the next town the caravan of actors was travelling towards. I would make it so I would be there to mediate between the two as I surmised that the conversation would be awkward, but not hostile.

Finally, we arrived at the next town of Ponyville right on the date before I would have her and Scratch meet. Success! I knocked repeatedly on the door to Melody's wagon that she built herself with her own four hooves. I was so excited for her! Half-formed future exchanges between Scratch and Melody played out in my mind: in a cafe, over tea and donuts, they start laughing over a shared joke and have so much fun rolling all over the floor laughing and screaming! Or maybe they’ll have a heartbreaking, tearjerking reconciliation in a moodily lit fancy restaurant while lamenting their numerous woes… I love playing with my pony dolls! They’re so much better than stubborn changelings.

Trotting in place at the door for minutes lost in imagination bolstered by my companions, I gradually came to feel that something was wrong. Melody didn’t answer the door.

I knocked again. And again. Oh, no! I thought but did not say since I’ve been getting better at doing that. Did I seriously forget how to knock on doors? That must have been the only reason why Melody was not letting me in! How could I have forgotten! I learned how to knock on doors on my very first infiltration mission, where I replaced the filly of an Appaloosan mare. It was only for two days, but I still got a lot of love, and I learned from the natives that the proper way to knock on a door is to pound on it at all times of day or night and in all situations, so I did.

Melody opened the door a crack, hissed at me to get in, quick, and pulled me into the darkness inside her wagon.

I screamed like a little filly for a while. Boy, does that actor juice mess you up but good! When I stopped, I noticed that Melody had the curtains tightly drawn and wrapped over every window or opening (even the bottom of the door) to stop all light from entering her caravan, and she was holding a candle on an upturned hoof that illuminated a face that bemusedly stated, “Are you done,” before she said those exact words.

Moving over to nuzzle her withers (I had realised long ago that the withers were a very calming, huggable, and extra fluffy spot on my supposed friend to put my muzzle on), I told her that I might be done screaming like a filly depending on how dramatic the moment would feel, earning for my troubles an indulgent expression from her.

…An indulgent expression on a face with reddened eyes, layers of bags evident on them. A face with a wild, unbrushed slept-in coat leading to a wild, unbrushed bed-head mane with several black hairs sticking straight out of it. Noticing this led to me noticing how her tail twitched stiff periodically, or shook with an unnerving rapidity quicker than even my eyes could follow. In turn, this led my eyes to her legs which were also shaking and seemed to have lost some muscle, looking as if they could only barely support her weight. Her weight, which was looking awfully unhealthy.

Diagnosis: sick pony. Time to feed some hay to her, brush her mane, and play sportsball with her to raise her fun levels! Or, that would have been the case if I hadn’t tasted something concerning coming from her emotional eigenvector. It had the faint taste of the same sort of sour yearning, for lack of a better term, for Scratch, but worryingly enough, it was subdued by a pinch of amusement and smothered relentlessly by a gagging sense of shame that I could only barely recognize from my hours as an Appaloosan filly.

And so, the only diagnosis could be that Melody needs emotional support.

[rhythmharemcallout]

(sorry this is going to be a very long submission… this submission should also contain screenshots of one of our conversations, so warning in advance for that.)

tumblr user herntai (used to go by sen, teeth, and now june) emotionally manipulated and sexually abused me for… a long time. many months. possibly years (i cannot find all the logs of our conversations but i know i have known her for quite some time and the entire time i’ve known her this has been a problem) she repeatedly abused me and kept coming back to abuse me multiple times. i do not doubt that she would take advantage of other people if she could (and she has…)

to start, june knew that i was pretty severely mentally ill (bpd, avpd, dependent traits, at the time depression and anxiety (now i have a bipolar nos w/ psychotic traits diagnosis)), i was a previous sex abuse victim, that i had tremendous trouble telling people no, and that i crave validation/acceptance/approval and will do almost anything for it. im also hyperempathetic and am terrified of hurting peoples feelings or making them feel bad. she used all this to her advantage to seek out sexual favors from me, mostly in the form of nudes, sexual roleplay, sexual information about me, etc.

june had a pattern to her manipulation and abuse. she’s clever and knew how to play upon my weaknesses. she followed my blog and would see posts where i was talking about being depressed or lonely or scared, she would send me a message encouraging/supporting me in order to make me feel safe, then after talking for a while she would become sexual, even if i told her it made me uncomfortable. she did this almost every opportunity she had to talk to me.

every once in a while i would stop talking to her after becoming fed up with her treatment of me. every single time she would find a way to come back into my life and continue abusing me, under the guise of “being better this time” and promising extra hard to respect my boundaries (but never actually doing that)

one time when she was particularly upset she kept asking for nudes and implied that if she didn’t get any that she would hurt or kill herself. this was extremely distressing to me because i felt responsible for her wellbeing. i believed that if i didnt take nudes of myself and send them to her that she was going to hurt herself and it would be my fault. (i do not have screenshots of this conversation but it was incredibly distressing and something i kept in the back of my mind in subsequent conversations)

i remember several conversations where, at the beginning, i would tell her i was feeling very sex-repulsed and didn’t want sex mentions at all. i would practically beg her not to bring up sex. inevitably she would ask for nudes and keep bringing it up randomly and eventually when i would give in she would ask for more or implied it wasn’t enough for her. this happened so frequently that i think it’s telling that i would even have to give a disclaimer at the beginning of our conversations, telling her i didn’t want to talk about sex at all this time.

she would give me excuses like she was hypersexual and sex was the only thing that made her feel stable, which is, by itself, fine but does not excuse making unwanted sexual comments toward me (especially after i expressed i was uncomfortable or at least not giving my consent) or begging for nudes after i said multiple times pretty adamantly (compared to how i usually respond to people) that i didn’t want to send any.

one time i expressed that my fp (favorite person, someone on whom i focus most of my attention and look to for validation and acceptance the most) wasn’t talking to me. june seemed upset that she wasnt my fp and stated that she wished she was someone’s fp. especially considering her manipulation and abuse of me, this is really horrific.

i don’t have screenshots for the majority of this (we voice chatted a lot and it appears ive lost most of the conversations we had and i didnt save screenshots because i wasnt thinking that i would have to write something like this) but this is the exchange that i had before i stopped talking to her. please keep in mind that at the time i considered her my friend (hence the affectionate language because im like that with all my friends) and at this point i had become pretty good at coming up with excuses for why i didnt want to take nudes (like saying i had tried taking nudes that day already but didnt like it) because she asked me so often (also this is about the most adamant i ever got in my saying no because i was sick of her asking me so much even after my telling her i didn’t want to send any and didnt want her to ask anymore):

(these screenshots contain nsfw text)

(im the blue, june is the gray)

(the following happens a bit later on that night but notice that i did not actually consent to the first sexual action but she continues to escalate it. by the time i say “i’m uncomfortable now” i’m actually having a full-blown panic attack and having traumatic flashbacks but she is continuing to try to keep me in the conversation. this had actually happened multiple times in the past where she would try to calm me down so she could attempt it again later on after i’ve stopped panicking. it happened several times that she would make me very uncomfortable and i would say i had to go but she would convince me to stay and continue making sexual comments or ask for nudes again. at that point usually i was dissociating and more willing to just let things happen or make impulsive decisions, which she knew.)

(this is even more sexual than the last screenshots and might be more distressing, im sorry)

(she was very good at making me feel like she cared about me and wanted to make me feel safe, even though nothing could be further from the truth. i fell for it time and time again because i crave affection and support so much. i fell for it so easily and that’s why she kept coming back to me and convinced me to get close to her again even after i cut off contact)

(these screenshots are from our last conversation which was in mid december of 2015, which is a while ago but still something i believe people should be aware of, especially considering she’s still pulling this shit…)

i wanted to try going through more of my backlog for more screenshots but honestly just reading these and typing all of this is making me shake so bad, and the conversation i included isn’t even the worst one we had. i never wanted to think about this again and i hate that i had to write all of this but i really wanted to because i don’t want other people becoming her victim. please, please, please, steer clear of her.

if you need me to submit anymore information i’m willing because i really want people to be aware of how insidiously abusive she is… i’m sorry this submission was so long but i felt all this information was necessary to drive home how ugly her behavior was… and thank you for taking the time to read this, i hope this was written well enough to make sense.

(the email used for this submission is a throwaway, i dont want anyone being able to track me… sorry)